1
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:40,280
Hello, and welcome, welcome to QI,

2
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:41,960
where the weather outside
is frightful,

3
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,280
but the fire is so delightful.

4
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,200
I am of course your angelic host,

5
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and gathered around my blazing
saddles this Christmas night,

6
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,880
we have a sprig of Holly Walsh...

7
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,440
..Jason three wise Manford...

8
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..Romesh the red-nosed
Ranganathan...

9
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..and yonder peasant, who is he?

10
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,640
Alan Davies.

11
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Holly goes...

12
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♪ O little town
of Bethlehem... ♪

13
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Aww, that's nice. Jason goes...

14
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♪ O come all ye faithful... ♪

15
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It's the O series, do you see? "O."

16
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Romesh goes...

17
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:42,640
♪ O Christmas tree
O Christmas tree... ♪

18
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Some people are never happy.
And Alan goes...

19
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♪ Grandma got run over
by a reindeer... ♪

20
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,440
Right, let's get off and running.

21
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Where do the Christmas celebrations
always end up in a fist fight?

22
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My house.

23
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Is it a fighting household, darling?

24
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Erm... It's the only day of the year

25
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where you can start drinking
at breakfast, isn't it?

26
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Like... Unless you're from Denmark,
in which case, hey, whenever.

27
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Any other time of the year
there's an intervention,

28
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but Christmas Day you're like,
"Ah, come on!" Yeah.

29
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"Let's have a bit of Bailey's
on your cornflakes."

30
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See, it's funny, cos the Danes
don't really have a tradition

31
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of that kind of fighting
at Christmas.

32
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What we do is, we do
silent resentment.

33
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Oh, that's good.
It's much more Nordic.

34
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My brother and I are both
married to white women,

35
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and at Christmas my mum
will invite us all round,

36
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and then she'll do two dinners,
like a roast and a curry.

37
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And then it just looks like

38
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we're encouraging racial
segregation at Christmas.

39
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Well, I'm going to find out
if that's true,

40
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cos your mum's here
in the audience. Shanthi.

41
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Hello, welcome to the show.

42
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,600
Is there fighting at the holiday
season? Is there fighting?

43
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Er... they do. They do fight. Yeah.

44
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They do fight, yeah, both of them.

45
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Well, my mum...
It's lovely to have you here, Mum.

46
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Thank you. Thank you.

47
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..but she has encouraged
my brother and I

48
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to both have very low self-esteem.

49
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That's contributed to it.

50
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Well, there is a place in the world
where people fight on Christmas Day,

51
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and they do it on purpose, in Peru.

52
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A town called Santo Tomas -
it's high up in the Peruvian Andes,

53
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12,000 feet above sea level -

54
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and they have a tradition
which is called Takanakuy,

55
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and it happens on the
25th of December every year.

56
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People dress up in costumes,
and then they have fist fights,

57
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and they take place between
every kind of participant,

58
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between the young and the old,
men and women, rich, poor, sober...

59
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Wow... quite a lot of drunk people.

60
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And the idea is they're settling
all their differences

61
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that have occurred during the course
of the year.

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And it can be anything -
it can be a property dispute,

63
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it could be a spilled beer,
it could be a stolen partner,

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or sheep or... whatever.

65
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There's a cultural sort of outreach
thing in Crawley

66
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where we sort of celebrate that,
as well - it's called Wetherspoons.

67
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But is it legally binding?

68
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Yes, it is legally binding. Right.

69
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Whoever wins, whatever
the dispute was,

70
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that's it, they have to settle it.

71
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So they do this on Christmas Day,
but...

72
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..what do they do on Boxing Day, eh?

73
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I got there!

74
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It's good to have an element
of panto in the show, which I like.

75
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It's behind you! Your career.

76
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But the reason why we have
family fights at Christmas,

77
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it's what known as hypercopresence.

78
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The idea is that we are forced
to spend long periods of time

79
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with people that we don't want to,
and it's what Sigmund Freud called

80
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"the narcissism of small
differences."

81
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We just have our own family
Christmas now,

82
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with just me and Katie and the three
kids, and that is brilliant.

83
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I thought my children,
when they grew up, would go away,

84
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and what they've done is gone away
and brought back other people

85
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I don't know.

86
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When I took my husband home for our
first Christmas together,

87
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I got so self-conscious
about all the things

88
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that my family do at Christmas.
What do you do that's odd?

89
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,960
Well, we have a set of bells
that we all... We sit round,

90
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we each have a different...

91
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Anybody?

92
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,040
OK, we've got a set of bells.
Yeah.

93
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There's eight bells. Eight bells.
How many of you? Full octave.

94
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There's only four in my family. Oh,
two bells each. Yeah. That's lucky.

95
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But now my husband's joined, it's...
Oh, no! Yeah. He's spoilt it.

96
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No, that's good, that's another
person. Oh, it's good.

97
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"But that's
another person" -

98
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I'm glad you recognise him
as such, Holly, that's lovely.

99
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And in about 1987, my mum
wrote out loads of Christmas songs

100
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,080
on sort of boards
with all the bell numbers...

101
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,320
Right... and we just do that
for about two or three days.

102
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,040
We have a similar thing
where Mum and Dad's friends

103
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would come over, Sri Lankan friends,
and they would get drunk,

104
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then they would turn over bins
and stuff like that,

105
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and then start banging on them,

106
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and singing, like, old traditional
Sri Lankan songs.

107
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Is that true, Shanthi, is that true?

108
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Yes, it's very true. It's very true.

109
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We're checking everything
you say, Romesh.

110
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Confirmation, please!

111
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You'll have the gig from hell -

112
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"Can we have confirmation
that he's telling the truth?"

113
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I've got this horrible judgmental
Wikipedia sitting over here.

114
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Checking on your gags.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

115
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Yeah, "That's true, Sandi,
don't worry",

116
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"you can carry on with the anecdote,
off you go."

117
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Someone from Holly's family going,

118
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"That's a load of shit
about the bells!"

119
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"There are 16 bells,
you lying cow!"

120
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So, like, they would get buckets
and turn them over,

121
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and then just, like, my dad
would just be...

122
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Like that, for, like, hours.

123
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And then once... Do you two
live anywhere near each other?

124
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Calling us up, go a little tour,
coffee and cream, on the road.

125
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But then, one Christmas we did that,
and then the next morning,

126
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we took the blanket off the
budgie cage, and they were dead.

127
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Wait a minute,
had you beaten the birds to death?

128
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No, they just didn't like
Sri Lankan music.

129
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I think your mum thinks
that's not true.

130
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"We never had a budgie!"

131
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Just really racist budgies,
you know?

132
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Right, moving on,

133
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which of these items belong on a
very traditional Christmas tree?

134
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So you have a tree,
and you have some items.

135
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So we're going to decorate
our trees now.

136
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Does anybody know where do we get
the Christmas tree from? Germany?

137
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Germany, indeed, evolved
from the Paradeisbaum.

138
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Paradise tree, so it's part of
a medieval morality play

139
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which was based on Adam and Eve,
and it was staged on Christmas Eve.

140
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It's supposedly the name day of Adam
and Eve in the Christian calendar.

141
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:51,560
So, let's start with apples
and snakes. Would you put these...?

142
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Would you put these on your tree,
apples and snakes?

143
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,280
We're doing traditional
and non-traditional things.

144
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,600
Er... possibly the apple?
Well, if it was...

145
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,760
Yes? If it was Adam and Eve's
birthday...

146
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:04,880
Yes? Then, yeah.

147
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:05,920
Absolutely right,

148
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:09,160
so these are the traditional things
that go on the tree.

149
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:10,400
The snake?

150
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,840
What about the baubles?

151
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,560
No. Can't be. Why not?

152
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,400
Because it's too... There's no way
you'd let us get away with that.

153
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,080
No. Yeah, absolutely right -
they're fake apples.

154
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:23,120
Fake apples! So they represent...
Yeah, they represent the apples.

155
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,400
Yeah, I remember the last time I
tucked into one of these bad boys.

156
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,320
Delicious, the old silver glitter.

157
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,560
Let's do... Which?
Which on the tree?

158
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The angel or the union flag?

159
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,440
Which one are we going to go for?

160
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,480
I'm going to go with the union flag,
I think. Yeah.

161
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,320
I much prefer
the union flag. Yeah.

162
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,400
So that is...

163
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,920
You're absolutely right -
that is the traditional thing.

164
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,800
So, 18th century Christmas,
British Empire,

165
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,560
it is the only proper thing
to top the tree.

166
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:56,400
I've always felt odd about that
moment of... Putting the angel on.

167
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,120
You know, when you've got the angel,

168
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,000
and you're like putting the tree up
its arse, like, something feels...

169
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,880
But do you know why
we don't have the flag,

170
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:04,720
we have the angel instead now? No.

171
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,120
So, the angel represents Gabriel
in the nativity story,

172
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:10,200
but it's a 19th-century invention
made popular by Victoria and Albert,

173
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:13,800
who should have had the union flag
on the tree, but they were German.

174
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,400
So they had the angel instead. Oh.

175
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,920
OK, so lights or candles on
the tree? Which is traditional?

176
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,600
Oh, it's got to be candles.
It is candles, absolutely.

177
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:23,960
The legend is that Martin Luther

178
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,640
was inspired to put
candles on the tree -

179
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,040
so we're talking 1536 -
after he saw thousands of stars

180
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,440
glinting through the branches
of the trees in the forest.

181
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,640
But to be fair, electronic lights
weren't an option then.

182
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,240
No, that's...

183
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,360
Well, you do get candles
even earlier than that -

184
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,920
you do get candles about the 1440's.

185
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:45,240
There was an amazing group called
the Brotherhood of the Blackheads.

186
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:47,600
Who doesn't want to join?
Brotherhood of the Blackheads.

187
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,400
That's my entire teenage years
summed up at once. Yeah.

188
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,040
They were unmarried merchants
in Estonia, and they put up

189
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,840
one of the first Christmas trees
that had candles on it.

190
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:03,600
Let's do paper, flowers, wafers and
tinsel. Which ones are traditional?

191
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,480
Oh, and how about some chocolate?

192
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,880
Which of those are we going to
go for? Chocolate on the tree?

193
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,600
On the tree, traditional? Chocolate.

194
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,680
..is the one that is in fact
not traditional at all.

195
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,840
Of course.

196
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,680
The others...

197
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:15,720
Good day to you.

198
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,240
So the wafer? All I can hear
is Romesh's mum

199
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,000
laughing in the speaker behind me.

200
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,840
Mum, Alan wants you to shut up.

201
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,320
YOU shut up! Yes, Shanthi, yes!

202
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,760
Guys, guys, it's Christmas,
OK. All right? Just...

203
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,800
Romesh, go and give your mother
a nice chocolate and be nice.

204
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,000
Be nice. Sorry.

205
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,880
Shanthi,
what do you think about the beard?

206
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,400
The beard looks good, doesn't it?

207
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,480
He looks like his dad, actually.

208
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,320
I think it looks very nice.

209
00:10:58,320 --> 00:10:59,960
He didn't have a beard like this,
did he?

210
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,960
He did. He did. Oh, right.
I hated it.

211
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,360
OK. Trees away, please.

212
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:23,200
Now, which king appeared on
the first British Christmas stamp?

213
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,240
Er... George V.

214
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,080
Wenceslas. Yes. Yeah! Yes!

215
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,400
You're absolutely right.

216
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:43,400
So, 1963, the then
Postmaster General was Tony Benn,

217
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,000
and he launched a competition

218
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,840
in conjunction with Blue Peter
and the Post Office

219
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,560
to design Britain's very first
Christmas stamp,

220
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:55,080
and six-year-old Tasveer Shemza -
that's her there on the right -

221
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:59,080
she won with a Good King Wenceslas
design, and James Berry,

222
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,240
next to her, he got a 1/6d stamp,
but here is her stamp.

223
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,960
So he was the only
king on the stamp,

224
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,120
because of course the monarch
is Queen Elizabeth II.

225
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,920
And Tasveer is in the audience...

226
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,600
Shut the front door! There she is,
all grown up. Ah!

227
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,880
Congratulations!

228
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,560
Tasveer, did you...

229
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,920
That's the longest round of applause
we've ever had for anything.

230
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,800
They LOVE your stamp!

231
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,320
Tasveer,
was the picture based on anybody?

232
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,800
Well, it was indeed, yes.
It's not King Wenceslas...

233
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,840
Right... as people say -
it was actually a picture of my dad.

234
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,560
Oh, a picture of your dad!

235
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,040
And we've got... There he is.

236
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,720
I think you did very well with that.

237
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,320
Sorry, if your dad
is wearing that hat,

238
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,320
I think he's a bit
above his station.

239
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,880
What I love about this is
the stamp was issued in 1966,

240
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,440
so in fact Daleks, which were
introduced in 1963,

241
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,200
are an older Christmas tradition
than Christmas stamps

242
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,480
here in the UK.

243
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,040
Do you know who that is
in the picture?

244
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,960
Is it one of the Doctors,
William Hartnell?

245
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,120
It was William Hartnell,
the very first Doctor Who.

246
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,800
Was the first Doctor Who really old,
then? Yes.

247
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:11,640
He was THAT old, in fact.

248
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,720
It was something about wisdom
and gravitas with the role.

249
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,760
Yeah. Well, I mean, with your new
white beard, you could be up for it.

250
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,200
Yeah. Yeah. I
think now that beards are so...

251
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,080
I don't think the beard
cancels out the skin.

252
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,320
I think you'd be a really good
Doctor Who. Do you think so?

253
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,200
And your mum could
be like Doctor Who's sidekick. Oh!

254
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,200
Oh, my God!

255
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,880
The first Doctor to top himself.

256
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,880
Which is best for Christmas cards -
first class or second class?

257
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,000
Makes no odds.
It doesn't really make a difference.

258
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,320
I don't think we have a second-class
stamp any more, do we?

259
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,400
Yeah, yeah, no, you do.
Oh, how posh are you?!

260
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,600
Things are going all right
for Jason Manford, aren't they?!

261
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,080
So, the Post Office guarantees
with first-class delivery

262
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,480
that 93% of it will be delivered
within one working day.

263
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,160
Oh, I see. 93, not 100%? No.

264
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,200
93% guaranteed, but at Christmas,
that is formally suspended,

265
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,160
and they only manage 50%
next-day delivery,

266
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,520
so frankly, you might as well...

267
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,640
So how can they live with themselves
and sell some people...?

268
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,040
If you were to go in and say,
"Can I have a first class stamp,"

269
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,600
they should say, "No."
Don't bother.

270
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,160
We don't sell them,
because that's morally wrong.

271
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,840
I had a girlfriend once who thought
that if you put more stamps on,

272
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,240
it would get there quicker.

273
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,480
Five first-class stamps on a letter.

274
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,280
Actually, Sandi, my mum
can step in here,

275
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,320
because she works for Royal Mail,
don't you, Mum? Yes, I do.

276
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,960
And there are second-class stamps,
are there not? Yes, there are.

277
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,560
Yeah, there's second-class stamps.

278
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,600
What have you got to say about this
50% success rate scandal?

279
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,560
My lips are sealed!
No, speak up, you're here!

280
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:46,840
Now answer the question!

281
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,880
You said it on the way here. What?

282
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,560
You said you thought
Royal Mail was crap,

283
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,360
and you wished you didn't have
to work there. I never said that!

284
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:57,880
I never said that.

285
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,960
Anyway, please can you thank
Tasveer Shemza?

286
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:13,160
Now, it's time to wrap our presents
in the great QI wrapping race.

287
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,680
OK, so under your respective desks,

288
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,840
you're going to find paper
and scissors and tape,

289
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,520
and I would like you to beautifully
wrap the things you've got.

290
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,840
So Romesh, you need to wrap the game
that we've got there for you,

291
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,200
and if you could find the best
way of...

292
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:31,720
Wrap that for me.

293
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:36,360
And Alan, if you could wrap yours,
there we are, that's lovely.

294
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,360
And what have you guys got
to wrap up?

295
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:45,120
Lovely. So, what do we reckon?
Best way to wrap these things up?

296
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,120
Are you going to say,
"Ready, steady, go"?

297
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,320
Ready, steady, go.
Whoever does it best...

298
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,680
Wow! Jason, that's... Yeah.

299
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,160
Looks good.
I think I've finished, Sandi.

300
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,680
OK, let me see, let me see.

301
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,800
Alan is the winner, I think,
got there first.

302
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,760
OK.

303
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,800
So, awkward items,
what you need is a life-hack, OK,

304
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,800
to wrap something awkward.

305
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,280
So I've got here a small
American football

306
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,560
and a single piece of paper,
and what you actually do,

307
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,560
and you could have done it with
any of your items,

308
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,480
is you take your paper,
and you fold it like this,

309
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:36,320
and then put some tape
down the middle like this.

310
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:40,320
And then you need to fold the piece
of paper like this...

311
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:41,840
and fold it in...

312
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:47,880
..and then put some Sellotape
on that, like this...

313
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,600
This is like Blue Peter, isn't it?

314
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,480
It's a really brilliant way
to wrap an awkward thing.

315
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,000
It is basically a bag with a gusset

316
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,120
that you can make out of
a single piece of paper,

317
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,000
and you make it like that, and you
stick your awkward thing inside,

318
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:06,760
and you have a very
neatly wrapped gift. Oh, my God!

319
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,720
Right, let's put the presents away,
please.

320
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,600
Now, because it's Christmas,
we're going to play a quick game.

321
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,720
The envelopes have got
your name on them.

322
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,320
Oh, here we go. Ooh!

323
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,520
Inside the envelope you'll find
a two-syllable word.

324
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:27,320
Here's what you have to do - you
have to act out the first syllable,

325
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,560
then the second,
then the whole thing,

326
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,760
and only then can we guess
what the word is.

327
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,000
OK? Right, Alan, off you go.

328
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,080
OK. I'm not allowed to
speak, am I? No. No, OK.

329
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,920
So this is the first syllable.

330
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,400
OK.

331
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,960
Right, that's the first syllable.
OK, yeah. Second syllable.

332
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
Very good. And now the whole thing.

333
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,800
Bagpipe.

334
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,400
Yes. Very, very good, well done.

335
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:07,520
Romesh? I don't think I can do mine.
Why?

336
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,920
I just can't.

337
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,640
Yes, you can.

338
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,560
OK. Yes, and your mum believes in
you, she just said yes behind me.

339
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,160
Yeah, try. Try.
Yes, see, "Try," says your mum.

340
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,240
Yeah, why don't you try? "Oh, well,
if you believe in me, Mum!"

341
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,720
Doesn't change the word, love,
all right? It's still impossible.

342
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,240
OK.

343
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,480
So, first syllable. Yeah.

344
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,480
Oh good, yeah, good. Yeah.

345
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,440
OK. That's that bit.
Yeah. Second syllable?

346
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,200
No idea what that was.

347
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,600
Shark. OK, the whole thing?

348
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,800
Pie shark? A pie shark?
A pie shark?

349
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:48,880
Is it a pie shark?

350
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,000
It is, I can't believe you got it,
it IS a pie shark!

351
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,400
What is the first bit, so...

352
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,040
First thing? I thought it was going
to be difficult,

353
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,520
but she's absolutely nailed that.
Astonishing!

354
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,480
You're the only other person I know
that's heard of pie shark,

355
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,520
it's amazing!

356
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,360
You were right, Mum - I CAN do it!

357
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,320
Show everybody the card.

358
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,240
It's a muff! Muffin!

359
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,320
Muffin. Muffin.

360
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,120
Have a go. Me? Yeah.

361
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,840
Right. Erm...

362
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,480
Bum. Don't guess yet!

363
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,280
There's only three rules
in this game, Holly!

364
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,800
And then the whole thing.
OK, and the whole thing. Er...

365
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:49,640
OK. Anybody?

366
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:50,760
Pie shark?

367
00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,480
Bum hands. Bum ring?

368
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,680
What's that? What did you say?

369
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,240
I said bum ring.

370
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,560
Bum... ring?

371
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,320
Bum ring, really, on QI?!
How did we get to bum ring?

372
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,120
It's a bum ring, cos he went
like that, he went like that...

373
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,320
But what was the thing when he was
walking around?

374
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,640
It's the sort of thing
that a bum ring would do.

375
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:22,240
What he did there, I thought,
"He looks like such a bum ring."

376
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,800
What does it say on your card?

377
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,240
Bumbling. Bumbling. Oh, bumbling!

378
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,040
Bum-bling. Bling! Bling!

379
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,880
Right, Holly.

380
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,840
Hang on a minute, why is your clue
in your sock? Oh, the foot's out.

381
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,960
OK, first one. Foot!

382
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,040
Don't guess yet!

383
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:40,160
Yeah, second one.

384
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,200
Oh, God.

385
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:46,840
This is very awkward.

386
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:51,560
Is it football?

387
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,880
It WAS football - very well done.

388
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,920
That is how they used to play
charades.

389
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,640
It came from France, actually,
the game,

390
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,840
but it was codified by the brothers
Mayhew, Henry and Horace,

391
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,240
and they decided those were
the rules.

392
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,240
But I think the jokes were supposed
to be out of muff-fin -

393
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,640
that was the idea,
so breast-plate, or cock-ade,

394
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,280
or any of those things
was meant to be hilarious.

395
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,880
Now we invite QI's Lord of Misrule
to the fireside

396
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,640
for the round we call
General Ignorance.

397
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,600
Fingers on buzzers, please.

398
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,880
What did robins originally represent
on Christmas cards?

399
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,200
Evil?

400
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,400
Can you imagine anything less evil?

401
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,360
Was it something to do with
being stabbed, or blood? What?!

402
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,840
You know... I love how your mind
works, but it puzzles me.

403
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:47,400
The red breast. Yes. So, Christmas,
traditional stabbing time.

404
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,640
- OK, anybody in the audience know?
- The postman.

405
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:54,280
Postmen.

406
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,200
Oh, it looks so easy, doesn't it?

407
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,520
The fact is, robins have been
associated with Christmas

408
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,720
long before Victorian...
Long before Jesus.

409
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,880
Long before Victorian postmen
and their red outfits.

410
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,400
So the idea that robins on cards
originally represented the postman,

411
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,840
as, I have to say,
stated in a previous QI,

412
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,680
is wrong, and so thank goodness I am
here to clear up this terrible mess.

413
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,000
Thank God you're here. I know.

414
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,680
There's a traditional Christmas song
called The Robin's Appeal,

415
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,480
so pictures of robins on cards
appear to have been there

416
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:32,560
to represent robins.

417
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,680
But it's changed over the years,
so in the 1860s,

418
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,560
they had robins on Christmas cards,

419
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,680
and they were depicted
as being comic,

420
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,800
then in the 1870s,
they get rather sentimental.

421
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:45,200
1880s, it's... I don't know what
happened - they just show them dead.

422
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,360
I don't know what's...

423
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,560
This is stabbing. There must have
been a terrible epidemic.

424
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,880
Look at... I mean, it says,
"May yours be a joyful Christmas."

425
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,560
Despite what we said
on an earlier season of QI,

426
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:06,360
robins on Christmas cards probably
represent not postmen but robins.

427
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,960
And finally, what should I do if I
spill red wine on the tablecloth?

428
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:16,080
So, gentlemen, I'm going
to give you a tablecloth,

429
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,920
and you've got some wine
between you.

430
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,320
Wine, yes. Wine, lovely wine.

431
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,360
All right, there we go.

432
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,320
If you think any of it's
going on the tablecloth,

433
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,720
you are sadly mistaken.

434
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,160
A merry, merry, merry Christmas
to you all.

435
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,360
I've had drinks with you before,
and I suspect I am not mistaken.

436
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,160
OK, so... Pouring the red on?
Do a bit of red on.

437
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,200
Little bit of red on there. OK.
Now, what would you do about that?

438
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,720
I've gone, "Ooh, my tablecloth!"

439
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:48,240
Oh! Get some white wine,
get some white wine!

440
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,680
Can we try it at least?
You can give it a go, yeah.

441
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,480
I mean, it's a bit unfair
to give us white wine

442
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,760
and then have a go at us for
mentioning it, but... OK, have a go.

443
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:03,840
So... It's gone, it's gone!

444
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:10,280
So, it will dilute the stain,
but it contains complex sugars.

445
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,160
It's perfectly possible that the
white wine will discolour the cloth.

446
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,480
So, you two, you've got a bit of
carpet that you've spilled yours on.

447
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,320
OK. I have seen that work, though.

448
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,600
Spill a bit of red.
Shall I spill it? Yeah, go on.

449
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,120
It's liberty hall. There we go.

450
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,840
Oh, God! Red on the carpet...
Wow, you just went crazy!

451
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,280
You assumed that you were doing just
the one experiment, did you, Holly?

452
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,680
And you were going to get it right
first time out of the gate?

453
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,240
Right, Jason, what are you going to
do? I've got all sorts here.

454
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,640
OK. I think there's some...
Is that soda water?

455
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,200
Er... yes, that's...

456
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,960
Water, maybe a bit of salt.
Yes? OK, you were doing...

457
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,200
But not salt? Not salt.

458
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,160
Salt will absorb the wine initially,
but it's also a fixative,

459
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,280
so unless you manage
to get all the salt out,

460
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,200
it is possible that what
you're actually doing

461
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,560
is making the stain permanent.

462
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,800
Well, this is...
This is doing a good job.

463
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,120
So, the tip is, blot it...
I can't open the vinegar.

464
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,320
So, again, the vinegar,
frankly no better than water,

465
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:03,440
and extremely expensive.

466
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,320
What's this, then?
No better than water!

467
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,880
It's also acidic, so it's going to
possibly discolour the cloth.

468
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,280
It's going through the desk!
It's going through the desk!

469
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:16,000
Argh, it's like Alien!

470
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,840
So the tip is... Get Ripley!

471
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,960
The tip is to... Oh, no.

472
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,280
Well, that's put that fire out.

473
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,720
That didn't work, Sandi.
That didn't work, no.

474
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,680
What you need to do is blot it
with kitchen paper.

475
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,640
I was going to take
this notebook home.

476
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,200
Well, that's sorted that out,
that's...

477
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,320
Don't spill your wine, that's the
moral of the story.

478
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,360
That's the trick.

479
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,800
But actually, the answer is,
you blot it with kitchen paper,

480
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:56,920
and all you need is tap water,
not sparkling water.

481
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,200
Why not sparkling water?
Cos it's fizzy?

482
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,240
Cos it's really expensive!

483
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:02,560
Oh, it's stupidly expensive.

484
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,480
It's really stupidly expensive.

485
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,080
What have you done?
You've made a mess.

486
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,120
We haven't done nothing.
Underneath. Let me see.

487
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:09,240
How do you get, erm...

488
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,040
wine off expensive
electrical equipment?

489
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,720
Well, I have to say, Sandi,
that's bollocks,

490
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,360
cos that hasn't worked, either.

491
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,520
Shanthi, what would you do, darling?

492
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:26,640
Washing-up liquid.

493
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:28,440
Washing-up liquid?
Oh, controversial!

494
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:30,360
OK.

495
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,200
Yeah, but it's not...
Any particular brand?

496
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,280
But not wasting white wine,
am I right? No.

497
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,160
No, I won't. I'll tell you what
we did one year, actually... Yeah?

498
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,960
..is spilt a bit of red wine,
then took one of the dead budgies,

499
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,600
made it look like a murder scene.

500
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,920
The bird died because somebody
fell on the cage. I remember.

501
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:51,560
Did somebody fall on the cage?

502
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:53,200
Yeah, they were drunk, isn't it?

503
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:54,240
That's why it died.

504
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,000
It's not me!

505
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:02,080
Can I just say, the bird
didn't die, the bird was murdered.

506
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,120
Yeah.

507
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:05,080
And a very merry Christmas
to you all.

508
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,400
Yes, the only thing worse
than spilling red wine

509
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,600
is wasting good white wine
trying to clean it up.

510
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,400
And with that, we come to the
end of the show,

511
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:15,920
so let's have a look at the scores.

512
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,360
Oh, my goodness,
it's a Christmas miracle -

513
00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,760
everybody came first equal!

514
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,960
Thanks to Holly, Jason,
Romesh and Alan.

515
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:39,320
But before we go,
I've got one last Christmas present.

516
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,560
I absolutely love Christmas singing,

517
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,720
so I wonder if there is
anyone in the audience

518
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,160
who's a member of a choir?

519
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:48,280
What?! Wow!

520
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:51,000
OK. Put your hands up,

521
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,080
how many of you know
We Wish You A Merry Christmas?

522
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:58,920
OK. So here is my gift to you -
the QI audience choir,

523
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,600
conducted by Neville Creed.

524
00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:06,280
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas

525
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:10,240
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year

526
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:14,560
♪ Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin

527
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,480
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year

528
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:22,480
♪ Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding

529
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:26,400
♪ Now bring us some figgy pudding
And bring some out here

530
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:30,640
♪ Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin

531
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:34,800
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year

532
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,880
♪ We all like figgy pudding
We all like figgy pudding

533
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:43,000
♪ We all like figgy pudding
So bring some out here

534
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:47,080
♪ Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin

535
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:51,240
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year

536
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,360
♪ And we won't go
until we've had some

537
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:55,240
♪ We won't go until we've had some

538
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:59,280
♪ We won't go until we've had some
So bring some out here

539
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:03,400
♪ Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin

540
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:07,640
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year

541
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,600
♪ A happy new year

542
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:17,480
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year. ♪

543
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:25,720
Merry Christmas!