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_

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Good evening, and welcome to QI

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for a truly original
episode about origins and openings.

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Please welcome with open arms
the open-eyed Rich Hall.

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The open-minded
Susan Calman.

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The open-mouthed Josh Widdicombe.

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And opening a can of worms,
it's Alan Davies.

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So, without further ado,
I declare the show open.

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Rich goes...

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That's lovely.

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I have to wait for all of that
before I can answer? Yes.

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Susan goes...

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Some of the greatest openings
in the world. Josh goes...

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Alan goes...

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Right, I'd like you to act out
the opening scene

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of the classic film
All Together Passionately.

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Sorry, am I on the wrong show?

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I mean, I'm happy to do it,
as long as I can go on top.

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I think you should speak to Josh.

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As long as you've got a cushion,
I'm fine with it.

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Anybody know
All Together Passionately?

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A great film.
It's not ringing any bells.

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It is the Italian name, I will tell
you, for a very famous film.

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Tutti Insieme Appassionatamente.

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I'll be honest, if anything,
I'm further away from the answer.

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OK, if I do this...
The Passion of the Christ.

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No. Titanic. Titanic?

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No, and I'm twirling around
on top of an Austrian mountain...

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Oh, The Sound Of Music.

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The Sound Of Music.
It is the Italian name...

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There's no Italian phrase for
the sound of music?

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Apparently, that's what they called
it, All Together Passionately.

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In Italy?

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That sounds like a film you
wouldn't watch on a train.

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Do you watch a lot of films on
trains? Lots of them. You have to...

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Oh, yes, because you don't fly, so
you spend your life on a train.

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Yes, so you have to be very careful
sometimes if you have a film

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with a bit of...

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Naughtiness... naughtiness.
You have to turn it to the window.

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Does anybody here cry
at movies on planes

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that you wouldn't normally cry at?

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Like Paul Blart - Mall Cop.
That's...

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I'm in floods. Floods!

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Not just at movies,
sometimes just a credit card ad.

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Like, "Oh, my God, she lost her..."

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"Oh, she got it back.
Thank God!"

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So many emotions to handle
in one commercial!

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Well, here is a thing about
The Sound Of Music.

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It was so popular in South Korea
when it was first released,

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one theatre owner in Seoul
made the film shorter

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by cutting out all the
musical numbers...

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..so they could show it more often.

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Do you know what?
I've never seen it.

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Josh!

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Oh, really? Never?
You've never seen...

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♪ You are 16
Going on 17... ♪

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Yeah, it's like that,
but with a tune.

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Do you know, I was once lucky
enough to meet Julie Andrews?

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It's the only time in my entire life
I have been completely speechless.

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Because she wouldn't shut up?

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Kept harping on about what her
favourite things were.

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It was very annoying.

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"Do you like them
tied up with string?"

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"I bet you do, girl!
I bet you do!"

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"What's a deer?
What's a female deer? Come on!"

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Oh, Julie, leave me alone!

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"I'll get the puppets out.
I'll get the puppets out!"

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"Do you want to see the goat herd?"

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♪ High on the hill... ♪
"It wasn't me singing."

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♪ High on the hill... ♪

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"I'm Maria. I'll be back with you.
I'm Maria."

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Shut up, Julie! God!

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I'll be honest,
I understood none of that.

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OK, let's try five more original
movie titles.

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The top one, I can tell you,
Please Don't Touch The Old Women,

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an Italian version
of a famous film.

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Is it Cocoon?

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No!

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It's The Producers.

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What?!
The Producers.

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Yes. Because, you know, the whole
thing is about him raising money

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from the old women, so I guess
that's the bit they most focused on.

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Try the next one - this is the
Brazilian title of the famous film.

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11 Men And A Secret.

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Ah, it was 12 Angry Men,
but one of them is transgender.

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Ocean's Eleven. It is Ocean's
Eleven, you're absolutely right.

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Yay! OK, this one is also Italian,
this next one.

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Don't Open That Door!

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Das Boot.

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It's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

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Right, this next one is Chinese.

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I'll be honest, when you say
which country it's from,

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it's of no relevance.
"Oh, it's Chinese, oh, yes."

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It's Chinese, yes. His Great...

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Yes?

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The Man With The Golden Gun.

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Come on!

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No, it's Boogie Nights.

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Oh!

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No, no, no, no!

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Would you like to see
my great device?

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Now, next question.

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What did Mr First think
of Mr Second?

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Oh!

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Didn't like him.

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We are talking about Omero Catan,
an American man who claimed

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to have been the first person at
over 500 opening events,

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and he was known as Mr First.

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And his brother Michael very
occasionally took his place,

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and he was known as Mr Second.

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But the rivalry between the two
was truly terrible.

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So he would just turn up
at openings?

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So, when he was 13 years old, Omero
Catan heard of a family friend

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who had been the very first to cross
the Brooklyn Bridge when it opened,

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so that is 1883, and
that inspired him, one year later,

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when he was 14, to become the very
first American passenger

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aboard the Graf Zeppelin.

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There it is, the Graf Zeppelin.
Look at that thing!

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You could fit three 747s
on one of those airships.

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But he was the very first American
passenger to fly the Atlantic

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in that airship.
Yeah.

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Which took four and a half days
in those days.

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And then he rose to fame.
He did all sorts of things.

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He set up camp outside the Lincoln
Tunnel for four days

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so he could be the first
to drive through.

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He was the first person to buy a
ticket for the Eighth Avenue Subway,

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first person to skate on the
Rockefeller ice rink, first person

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to drive across the
Hudson Tappan Zee Bridge, and the

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first person to put a quarter
in a New York parking meter.

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You should never be first to do
things like that. Why not?

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Because the danger aspect. You wait
until a lot of people have done it

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and then you know it's safe,
and then you pop on.

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It's so good Neil Armstrong
didn't make that speech.

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Oh, I bet he hates Neil Armstrong,
doesn't he, Mr First?

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No, actually, he said,
"I wouldn't have had the nerve,"

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is what he said about Neil Armstrong
when he was asked.

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I bet Mr First is an absolute bore
at dinner parties.

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Yes.
"I've been here ages!"

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But what happened was, in 1945,
the third Lincoln Tunnel opened

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and Mr First was in the UK.
And so his brother Michael

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was asked if he would be there
in his place.

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He began to step in more and more
regularly, and the papers started

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to give them equal status,
and Mr Second became Mr First.

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Terrible tensions.
Terrible tensions between them!

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Oh, my God.
Omero became convinced that

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his brother was trying to
steal the limelight.

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There were offers from Hollywood to
make a movie, he wouldn't have it

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because he didn't want his brother
to get equal billing

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and his very last first was a drive
through the newly opened

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I-595 highway from Fort Lauderdale
Hollywood International Airport

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to the Everglades.

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Not one of his classics, that,
was it? No.

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Now, what's the worst thing that can
happen when you open something?

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Well, if it's the gentleman that
pressed the button

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on the Virgin Train
from Glasgow to London, he'd say

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it's seeing me on the toilet,
which is what happened today.

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Those doors take so long to open!

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Especially... If you're a gentleman,
you can go, "Oh, gosh!"

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If you're a lady,
you just have to sit and go...

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But the problem is...

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The problem is, because I'm so
short, my legs were swinging.

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I love that you felt you needed
to explain that to ME!

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We used to take the train to visit
my aunt in California

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and it took five days to get there.

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And so it's quite boring for
children, so what we used to do

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was go to the toilet on the train
and then flush,

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and then run to the back
of the train.

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And there was a little sort of
platform, and you could watch all

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the toilet paper rushing out
across the desert.

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The most marvellous entertainment
for children. It was very good.

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When did you grow up?!

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It was a black and white time.

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I was born in 1958.

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That is astonishing...

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What, that I'm still working?
Five days! No...

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Josh, just a wee thing for you,
sweetie pie. See when a woman

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talks about her past, don't go,
"When did you grow up?!"

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I was...

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It's not the 18th century.

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In the '60s, yes.

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No, that's what I presumed.

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I presumed the '70s or '80s,
actually.

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Thank you.

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And this week's winner is Josh!

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OK, what's the worst thing that can
happen when you open something?

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Is it something that begins with O?

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Well, it's lots of opening
nights that have not

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gone as well as possible. Oh. So the
O-lympics, we could start with.

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There will be no doves
at the Tokyo 2020... Oh, no!

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..which is because they were banned
after the 1988 Seoul Olympics,

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when, instead of flying out,
as this photograph suggests...

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..into the sky, they decided to
perch on the huge saucer

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in the centre of the stadium
with the Olympic Flame,

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and several birds were incinerated.

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You say incinerated,
but you mean roasted. I do, yes.

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Mm! Just a little bit more!
Absolutely delicious.

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Most delicious opening ceremony
I've ever been at!

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Opening night of BBC Two was
a disaster. Oh, that's...

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There was a power outage

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and the whole of Television Centre
went dark that night.

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But the best bit of the story is,
to publicise the launch,

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they had been using
a graphic of a kangaroo.

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So the kangaroo represented BBC One
and then in the pouch,

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the little joey is BBC Two.

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So they thought, "For opening night,
let's get some real kangaroos..."

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Oh, no.
"..in the studio."

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And they had just got them
into the lift

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and pressed the button at the moment
when the power went...

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Oh, my word!

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..and apparently,
the kangaroos went berserk!

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I'd like to think that there was
just some guy in the lift,

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going, "Oh, my God!"

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Also, some opening nights of plays
have been disastrous.

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So, Balzac wrote a play called
Les Ressources De Quinola,

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and it opened to a completely empty
house on March 19th 1842.

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So he had hoped to create
a buzz about the play

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and he told everybody that the
tickets were sold out,

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it was impossible to get a ticket.

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Oh, no! So nobody bothered. Oh, no!

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Yeah. Nobody came.
Did they do the play?

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Well, the Equity rule is you
don't have to do the play

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if there are fewer members of the
audience than there are in the play,

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so whether it was...
That's true.

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Once, I was doing a gig at
Willesden Library Centre...

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Bill Bailey was there
in The Rubber Bishops.

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So there was the two of them,
I think Bob Mills, me,

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someone else and then there were
seven people in the audience.

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So we're thinking,

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"Oh, shit, there's more of them
than there are of us."

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And then this couple came over to us
and said,

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"Would it help if we left?"

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And we said, "As a matter of fact,
technically, it would."

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So they left
and we didn't have to do the gig!

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That's great.

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So, when Disneyland opened, the very
first Disneyland in California,

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July 17th 1955, it's known as Black
Sunday, because so much went wrong.

237
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,120
The first thing was
there were 15,000 gate-crashers.

238
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,800
Apparently, it was incredibly easy
to counterfeit the tickets,

239
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,840
plus somebody got a ladder
to the parking lot

240
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,200
and people could pay 5
to climb over the hedge.

241
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,840
The asphalt had been
poured at 6.00 that morning,

242
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,320
so all the guests'
shoes got stuck in it.

243
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,560
There was a circus parade in which a
tiger and a panther broke loose

244
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,840
and had a fight. I mean, if they're
going to break loose,

245
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,360
at least they've cancelled
each other out. Yes.

246
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,040
Yeah,
lucky there were two of them out.

247
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,560
Not the tiger looking for a fight.

248
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,040
"Release the panther!
The tiger's already out!"

249
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,880
There was a plumbers' strike
and so they had to choose

250
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,280
between drinking fountains
and flushing toilets.

251
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,480
Definitely flushing toilets.
Yeah!

252
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,560
If I go to someone's house,
"Have you got a toilet?"

253
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,560
"No, but I've got
a drinking fountain."

254
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,040
There's a drinking fountain,

255
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,200
but Susan Calman's
sitting on it at the moment.

256
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:57,000
Now, I'm open to a bit of
artistic paper folding.

257
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,000
Of course, the art of making
folded paper models

258
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,800
without cutting
the paper comes from...

259
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,000
Japan.

260
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,520
No. I forgot about that bit! Yes!

261
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,720
It does not come from Japan.

262
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,600
"Ori" means folding
and "kami" means paper,

263
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,240
so the word "origami"
comes from Japan, that is correct.

264
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,920
But Japanese paper folding was done
with white paper which was

265
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,120
both folded and cut.

266
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,080
The modern version, in which
we only fold and we don't cut it,

267
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,240
often done with the coloured
paper on one side

268
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:28,800
and the white
paper on the other side,

269
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,760
it's actually imported from
German kindergartens into Japan,

270
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,800
after Japan opened its borders
in 1860.

271
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,480
So the answer is that origami,
as we now understand it, is German.

272
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,280
Is anybody good at origami? I did
that thing... Oh, yeah, that one.

273
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,480
The only thing I've done is that
thing where it goes,

274
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:44,800
"Pick a number, Josh."

275
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,040
Oh... Three.

276
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,600
"Pick a colour."
Red.

277
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,320
"He fancies you!"
That's all I've done.

278
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,760
How is it so accurate?!

279
00:14:56,120 --> 00:15:00,360
But I've got some very good ones for
you, so, Josh, you can have... Oh!

280
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,800
A frog.
..a little jumping frog.

281
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,240
And, Rich, you have a jack rabbit.
There's a jack rabbit for you.

282
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,720
And, Susan, you've got an elephant.
Oh!

283
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,920
And, Alan, what's this?
That's a blue whale.

284
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,320
No, THIS is a blue whale.
Oh, of course.

285
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,080
All these years,
still don't recognise it.

286
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,760
There you are,
there's your blue whale.

287
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,960
A friend of mine is
brilliant at origami and he made...

288
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,080
This is a little badge.

289
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:39,240
It is a 1 bill which he has
made into a badge for me.

290
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,280
Isn't it lovely?

291
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:43,200
And that is without any cutting,
it's all folded and beautiful. Wow!

292
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,800
Josh, your frog is rather
marvellous.

293
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,560
If you press the back of it,
it will... Yes.

294
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,240
Well, be less violent with it.
Oh, sorry. It will jump.

295
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,600
Be gentle,
like you're touching a woman.

296
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,760
Let me show you.
Let me show you, darling.

297
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,480
I've never wanted someone to fail
so much at anything!

298
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,840
Right, so, let's put our origami
away, please.

299
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,480
Still playing. My rabbit,
look out for the car!

300
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,440
Right. I've got oysters,
ox horns, wood

301
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,280
and the walrus penis.

302
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,720
What are my plans?

303
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:30,360
That's like those
old ads in Loot. "I've got..."

304
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:33,320
"oysters... ox horns, wood,"

305
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,200
"and a walrus penis."

306
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,800
"No time wasters, please."

307
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,920
"It's a set, I can't break it up."

308
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,560
Sometimes I watch Nigella Lawson
and she always goes,

309
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,680
"I went to my pantry to make
some supper"

310
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,160
"and I had what everyone has,
which is some oysters, some oxtails,"

311
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,880
"some wood and a walrus penis."

312
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,840
"I'm going to make myself a
frittata."

313
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,720
It's like she's in the room!

314
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,520
The answer is that all of those
materials

315
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,280
can be used to make windows.

316
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,880
Can you imagine making
windows out of penises?

317
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,760
Well, let's start with the oyster.

318
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,560
The windowpane oyster is
found in the Philippines,

319
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,520
and the shells,
look at those beautiful windows,

320
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:24,280
the stuff in between the wood there
is windowpane oyster.

321
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:28,040
The shell lets 80% of the incident
light through

322
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,920
and it's been used for thousands of
years.

323
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:33,360
It's also incredibly strong.
Despite being 99% calcite,

324
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,840
which is a really brittle mineral,
it can withstand multiple blows

325
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,320
because of the way the material is
structured. And it may have

326
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,520
some uses for the military.
They may even have a look at

327
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,640
windowpane oysters for visors you
can see through,

328
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,720
but are also bulletproof. You
wouldn't think that from an oyster...

329
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,320
Isn't it beautiful? It's a pity

330
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,640
they put those two big pillars
in front of it.

331
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,520
Wood, you can have see-through wood.
It's being developed. Much stronger

332
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,320
and more insulating than glass,
so we're not really

333
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,360
interested in the leaves, but to
show how much you can see through,

334
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,400
what you do is you boil the wood
in water, sodium hydroxide

335
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,480
and other chemicals
to remove the lignin,

336
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,560
so that's the bit that gives
wood its colour.

337
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,040
And then epoxy resin is poured
over it to make it stronger.

338
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,920
But look how much you can
see through. Wow.

339
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,240
Cow horn, used for windows
in medieval times.

340
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,600
So, all of that stuff between is cow
horn, and it becomes translucent

341
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,600
if you soak it in water for three
months, then it becomes malleable.

342
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,160
Now, the walrus penis,
and who hasn't wanted to think,

343
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,360
"What am I going to do with...?"
"Make a sofa out of the walrus."

344
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,120
Yes, historically used in the
construction of Arctic dwellings.

345
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,800
It's stretched over window openings.
The bit... I don't know how to

346
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,680
say this, it's a bit like clingfilm,
really.

347
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:39,680
It stretches out? Well, it depends
how excited the walrus is, really.

348
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,400
Yes, it's a stretchy thing,

349
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,440
and you can stretch it out
and use it a bit like clingfilm.

350
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:48,080
So, it'd be the skin of the penis
and not the... the... the... Penis.

351
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,320
I don't know... Doesn't feel
good in your mouth, does it?

352
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,040
So, the walrus has to stand
outside your window

353
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,280
for the rest of its life,
with its cock stretched out?

354
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,760
A really annoyed walrus.

355
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,800
"How did I get this gig?"
"I'm not getting paid enough."

356
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,400
Now, for a question on
job openings.

357
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:26,080
What will be the first occupation
done exclusively by robots?

358
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,640
Oh, I hope it's not people
on panel shows, otherwise...

359
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:35,000
I would think something like
surgery. OK. Which kind of surgery?

360
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,760
Keyhole heart surgery maybe,
something like that,

361
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:41,120
or brain surgery, where they can
be incredibly precise.

362
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:45,120
So, I need you to go to the other
end. It would be anal surgery.

363
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,800
Wiping arses.

364
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:51,680
You have to try and imagine that you
are training to be a proctologist

365
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:56,400
and you need to, at some point,
have a look inside a rectum,

366
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,680
that's going to be
your basic training.

367
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:03,400
Until recently, the UK
has had only one registered

368
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:07,800
rectal teaching assistant,
who travels around the country,

369
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:13,600
visiting medical schools offering
up his rectum to students.

370
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:19,000
Oh, no, Sandi. Oh, yes.
But somebody says, "I'll do it!"

371
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,160
Yeah, "Leave that with me." So,
there are some problems with this.

372
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,080
You'd definitely make up what you
did for a living, wouldn't you?

373
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,000
There are a few problems with this.
First of all, the strain of training

374
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:33,200
an entire country of doctors with
one rectum, I think... is pressing.

375
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,960
And then the problem with using
a real person is that the professor

376
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,160
who is teaching you,
can't really tell

377
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,400
if you're doing it properly because
they can't see what you're doing.

378
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,960
Sorry, can I just...?

379
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:48,440
Sorry. For the profession
of proctologist... Yes.

380
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:53,200
..everyone in the country... Yeah.
..is using the same person?

381
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:57,240
You can see the problem with this,
can't you? So...

382
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,640
you apply for it or does it...?

383
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,520
Well, they only got one applicant.

384
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,120
It's been a problem,
so Imperial College

385
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,120
have come up
with a robotic rectum.

386
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,200
So, this guy can go home
and sit down.

387
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,880
There are tiny robotic arms
that apply pressure

388
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,280
to the silicon rectal passage.

389
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:18,080
And then the hardware can be changed
to different levels of difficulty.

390
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,760
You can change the size
and shape of the rectum...

391
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,680
..you can change the prostate.

392
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,960
Eventually, you get to
a boss fight at the end.

393
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:31,280
And each one of these arse holes
costs £25,000.

394
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:37,040
So, once the current rectal teaching
assistant retires, we will go from

395
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:40,880
a workforce of one to a workforce of
none, and there will be just robots.

396
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,080
My arse definitely needs
a good looking at.

397
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,560
I've been wondering what to give as
a prize this evening.

398
00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:00,000
The UK's a rectal trailblazer
in more ways than one.

399
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,680
People who have rectums that no
longer function

400
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:06,360
can be fitted with a bionic rectum.
Oh, yeah!

401
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,320
They can fire out their shit
over 40 feet!

402
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:15,680
Or they just pull their pants down
and launch themselves up.

403
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,560
You know, like, Steve Austin, they
can get on the roofs of buildings.

404
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,440
So, was the 6 million man
technically a robot?

405
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:31,320
Well, depends how much percentage...
He was a cyborg. Cyborg, yeah.

406
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,160
What's the difference? Depends on
how much of you is a robot

407
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,160
and how much of you
is still a human being.

408
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,080
So, what about
Robbie Williams?

409
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,920
What about him? Cyborg or robot?

410
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,400
That's a game we could
play for a very long time.

411
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,640
I'm going to carry on with my bionic
rectum if it kills me.

412
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,320
I hope someone's just
tuned in at that point.

413
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,400
Anyway, if you take
a muscle from the inside of a leg

414
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,800
and you wrap it around the anus,

415
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,280
and then you hook it up to the
device with electrodes that makes

416
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,520
the muscle contract or relax
with an electric signal,

417
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:04,720
so, basically,
you activate it by remote control.

418
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,960
The only thing I think is
if you have a bionic rectum,

419
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,880
keep hold of the controls.
Don't let the...

420
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,640
Don't let the children...

421
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,520
Imagine the panic when you've lost
that remote down the sofa.

422
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:22,040
Anyway, we salute the passage
of the UK's only rectal teaching

423
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,440
assistant and welcome our new
robot bottom overlords.

424
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:30,920
Now, it's time to open
the floodgates to general ignorance.

425
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:35,400
Fingers on buzzers. When's the best
time to rob a bank?

426
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,560
Yes, Susan?

427
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,440
Thursday morning. Why?

428
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,280
It's when I'm most free and...

429
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,240
I think I can fit you in around ten

430
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,840
and then I've got coffee
with Sandi Toksvig.

431
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:56,560
Ski season because
everybody would have a ski mask on.

432
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,240
There would be a lot more suspects.
Yes. Alan, do you want

433
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,600
to give it a go? Well, it's
either when it's open

434
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,000
or when it's closed...

435
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,720
Bless you. Here's the thing,

436
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,320
you cannot rob a bank
when nobody's there.

437
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,720
Why is that?
No-one's going to open anything.

438
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,920
No, a robbery's when you steal
something by threatening somebody.

439
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:23,600
So, if you steal from somewhere
and nobody sees you, you know this,

440
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,640
you're lawyer, it's a burglary.
Yeah.

441
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:29,920
So, the Hatton Garden heist was
actually a burglary not a robbery.

442
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:33,040
I also like a Friday about four
o'clock. Right. I think

443
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,880
the best time to do anything... Is
Friday at four?

444
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,360
- Is Friday about four o'clock.
- How are you going to get

445
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,840
in the safe? You can't even get
into a train toilet.

446
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,360
She could get in the safe,
then it would shut her in again.

447
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:57,160
So, the only time you can rob a bank
is when there's somebody there.

448
00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,360
What colour is the pigment
in this person's eyes?

449
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,320
Yes, Josh? Mauve.

450
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:10,320
Mauve is a very good colour
that we hadn't thought of, so...

451
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,080
I'm going to give you a point
for your colour knowledge

452
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,880
but not because it's correct.

453
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,720
OK. Obviously, it's a
bluey-green colour, isn't it?

454
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,640
So, everybody has melanin
in the iris of their eye

455
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,720
and all melanin is
dark brown in colour.

456
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:43,200
The thing is that people with
blue eyes have less melanin

457
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,680
and people with
brown eyes have more.

458
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:49,000
This is called the Tyndall effect.
So, melanin absorbs light.

459
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,920
If you have less of it, so you have
blue eyes, that means that the

460
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:57,040
light is not absorbed and, instead,
some of the light is reflected back.

461
00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,360
So, people with blue eyes
are reflecting back more light.

462
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:03,120
So, people with dark brown eyes,
are they better, then?

463
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,320
You just checked my eyes
before you said that!

464
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,160
You looked at me and thought,
"I'm going to win this one!"

465
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:15,480
Anyway, to finish off, let's go
right back to the origin of man.

466
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,920
What is happening in this diagram?

467
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,040
If you reverse that,
it's the story of Alabama.

468
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:29,040
Very good. What do we think it is?
Well, it's not right, is it?

469
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:33,080
Why is it not right? We didn't
evolve from monkeys in that way.

470
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,120
There are various branches of the
tree of evolution, aren't there?

471
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:38,920
Yeah, the diagram's originally
called The Road To Homo Sapiens.

472
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,200
It was done by an illustrator
called Rudolph Zallinger

473
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,680
and it was to illustrate
a book called Early Man.

474
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,440
Remember those Time-Life Books
that were incredibly popular?

475
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,840
It's most famously known nowadays
as the March Of Progress,

476
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,680
but all of these things are
incredibly misleading

477
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,640
because the road from early primates

478
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,200
to humans cannot be shown in such
a neat diagram.

479
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,040
So, the first four figures
there are in fact offshoots

480
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,400
to the road to Homo sapiens.
They aren't ancestors of us at all.

481
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,840
The original drawing had 15 figures
in it, and there they are.

482
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,600
Slightly better. Again,
it's got some blind alleys in it.

483
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,000
Species that died out or didn't
evolve into modern humans at all.

484
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,960
And the author said it was not
supposed to imply

485
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,520
that one led to the other.
But it clearly does.

486
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:19,960
What you need in the middle

487
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,720
are the four Beatles crossing
the zebra crossing.

488
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,480
What is,
in terms of human evolution,

489
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,640
what is the biggest problem with
this particular picture?

490
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,440
Is it the guy second
from the left? He's the best one.

491
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,440
He's spoiling for a fight.
Look at him!

492
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,720
So, this is a picture of the whole
of human evolution.

493
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,360
There's no women.
There's no bloody women in it!

494
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,080
There we are, you're
absolutely right.

495
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,960
It's like watching
an episode of Mock The Week.

496
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:56,320
Which brings us to the open
and shut case of the scores.

497
00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:59,080
And in fourth place, well,
it's magnificent,

498
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,360
with -25, it's Alan!

499
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,880
In third place,
with -8 points, it's Josh!

500
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,000
I'll take -8.

501
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,200
In second place,
with three points, it's Rich!

502
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,800
And tonight's winner, with a
magnificent nine points, it's Susan!

503
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,680
So, thank you to Susan,
Josh, Rich and Alan,

504
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,280
and I leave you with advice that
Professor Walter Kotschnig

505
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:42,040
once gave his students at Holyoke
College. "Keep an open mind",

506
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,600
"but not so open that your brains
fall out." Thank you and goodnight.