1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:01,001 _ 2 00:00:34,362 --> 00:00:38,600 Good evening and welcome to the QI office party. 3 00:00:38,618 --> 00:00:41,240 Joining me around the photocopier for a show all about 4 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:45,760 offices and occupations are Vice President of Stapler Affairs, 5 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,480 Deirdre O'Kane. 6 00:00:51,540 --> 00:00:54,580 Senior Partner in Charge of Biscuits, Richard Osman. 7 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,800 Regional Branch Biro Lid Replacement Manager, David Mitchell. 8 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:13,916 And, on the 15th year of his two-week internship, Alan Davies. 9 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,120 Let's hear their noises office. 10 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,560 Deirdre goes... 11 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,600 What is it? Typewriter. 12 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,600 It's a... Thanks for the help! Thank you. 13 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,800 Well done! Wow. There must be a historian in. 14 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,080 But genuinely, kids at home are going, "Oh, thank you." 15 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,120 "Yeah, couldn't know that." They wouldn't have. 16 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,320 And Richard goes... 17 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,560 That's a laugh from a certain section 18 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,240 of the audience who got that. 19 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,800 And David goes... 20 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,960 Diarrhoea, we're all aware of that. 21 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,200 And Alan goes... 22 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,800 The office is now closed. 23 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,520 Please leave a message for... 24 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,360 ...Alan Davies. ..after the tone. 25 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:19,240 Right. What's the worst thing you can catch in the office? 26 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:21,200 Well, I mean... 27 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,400 the plague? 28 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,120 Can you imagine how many days off people had during the plague? 29 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,000 People who were perfectly all right. 30 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,200 "Yeah. Oh, God, plague, yeah." 31 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,800 "Yeah, pretty bad." 32 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,520 What, were they just talking to their hands, they were just...? 33 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,600 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Files disease. 34 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:37,760 Files disease? 35 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,600 Well, in fact it's bad manners. 36 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,480 Bad manners is the thing you are most likely to catch in an office. 37 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,960 They did a study in 2015, and acts of rudeness 38 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,680 apparently spread around an organisation a bit like a cold. 39 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:55,880 And when rudeness starts, it tends to get worse over the course 40 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,680 of a working day. It is the thing you're... 41 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,160 Oh, bugger off! 42 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,040 You can't actually catch bad manners. Well, apparently what 43 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,400 happens is, if somebody is rude to you, you're more likely 44 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,760 to be rude back. So it's one of the things you're most... 45 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,400 Hence the Nazis, and things like that. 46 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,680 That started in an office... Yeah, yeah. 47 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,120 ..with someone being a little bit impolite... Yeah. 48 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,760 ..over some filing. And suddenly they're in Poland. 49 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,520 The next thing you know... 50 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,120 There is lots of bacteria as well. 51 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,120 I mean, they did a study of 33 keyboards in an average office 52 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,120 and one of them had five times as many germs 53 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,600 as the office toilet seat. 54 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,800 But I'm always a bit worried about those numbers of germs things. 55 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,320 OK. Because they say the average kitchen worktop has more germs on it 56 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,200 than the average loo seat. 57 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,520 To which the obvious response is, 58 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,800 well, that's obviously broadly fine then... Yeah. 59 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,440 ..because we're not all dying, we don't go to the kitchen 60 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,440 and have one meal and immediately vomit and vomit and vomit. 61 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,080 But toilets are actually quite clean, 62 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,640 because they are actually cleaned with bleach, which is... 63 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,280 Do you not think bleach is the perfect product of all time? 64 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,560 Because people go to the shops, they buy it, they pour 65 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:07,800 it down the toilet, they flush it away and they go and buy some more. 66 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:11,120 Whoever invented it thought, "This is going to make us a fortune." 67 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,640 So, Deirdre, what do you reckon, 68 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,040 if you had an all-male office and an all-female office, 69 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,680 which one would have more bacteria? 70 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,240 Oh, the male office. Why? 71 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,960 Because they're mankier than us. 72 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,000 So maybe that is the scientific answer. 73 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,080 They're dirtier and bigger, so they give off more bacteria. 74 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,280 But are men dirtier per kilogram? 75 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:33,840 Oh, that's a good question. 76 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,560 Deirdre, how dirty are you, and then we'll work it out? 77 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,840 I know that men don't wash their hands after they've 78 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:40,960 been in the toilet. 79 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,440 There you go. 80 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,560 In fact, I was once at Wembley Stadium, 81 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:49,040 and I went to wash my hands, and when I got to the sink there 82 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,600 were three penises urinating into the sink. 83 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,120 No! 84 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,280 On their own? 85 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,200 I don't really know how it works. 86 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,000 They couldn't be bothered to queue for the urinals, 87 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,400 they just used the sink where I was trying to wash my hands. 88 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,760 And they're here tonight. 89 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,920 Did you ever play the old Comedy Store in Leicester Square? 90 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,120 Yes, I played the old Comedy Store, and the first time 91 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,040 I went in the dressing room, Arthur Smith and Paul Merton were in there. 92 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,000 And they introduced themselves and they said, 93 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,200 "The toilet's over there," and it was the sink. Yeah. 94 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,280 So there was just a basin in the corner of the room, 95 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,240 and they weren't really expecting girls. 96 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,320 I was just going to say, not much good for us. 97 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,000 No, well, Josie Lawrence used to lift me up, to be able... 98 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,920 So, I have four occupations for you. 99 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,720 Deirdre, you are a Sewage Diver. 100 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,800 Richard, you are the Queen's Bagpiper. 101 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,680 David, you're an Ornamental Hermit. 102 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,920 And, Alan, you're Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. 103 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,760 Which of you has got a real job? 104 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,960 The Chiltern Hundreds is a real place. 105 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,840 Yes, but is the job a real job? 106 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,880 It's an anti-job. It's what you get when you resign as an MP, 107 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,800 you join the Chiltern Hundreds. Yeah. So it's not really a real job. 108 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,160 So 1624, and they passed a law saying that nobody 109 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,760 can leave Parliament, and it stems from the time 110 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,800 when people were elected against their will. 111 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,120 So sometimes local gentry were made to join Parliament, 112 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,320 they didn't really want to. 113 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,160 And the law says, technically, you have to die or you have to be 114 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:20,040 voted out or you have to go and work for the Queen or something. 115 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,480 So if you want to retire, you apply for a fictional Crown Office 116 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,960 called the Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. 117 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,720 And here are some people who have, in their time, been Stewards. 118 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,560 Look at Tony Blair pretending to drink wine. 119 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,080 He brought an empty glass to his lips 120 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,440 and now he's filled it with his special liquid. 121 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,280 Then he passes it to the person next to him, 122 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,160 they drink it and then they like him. 123 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,520 So let's go back to the Sewage Diver, what do you reckon, 124 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,080 Deirdre, real job? Well, it's a shit job, isn't it? 125 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,096 It is, look at that, it is a real thing. So they have a... It's more 126 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,480 wading they do, than diving, isn't it? There you go, yeah. 127 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,200 But that's not a way to resign if you're an MP. 128 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,480 You know, I think that would be quite popular as... 129 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:06,720 That would be a good way. 130 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,600 "I wish to leave politics, so now I will immerse myself in excrement." 131 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:10,800 Yes. Hurray! 132 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,360 But who would do this job? I used to be a sewage diver. 133 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,320 It was just going through the motions. 134 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,600 Thanks, anyway. 135 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,840 Well, there are sewage farms and they have sort of moving parts, 136 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,600 and when things get stuck, they're fitted with air pipelines, 137 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,720 they have to dive in and climb down to fix them. 138 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,280 Oh, God. "They're fitted with air pipelines." I would hope so! 139 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,080 Yes, I know. 140 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,920 Just take a deep breath and go for it! 141 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,840 I would have thought the worst job is the person who has to 142 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,760 clean the suit when they get out. 143 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:43,920 I don't know. 144 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:50,920 I think I'd go... Presented with that terrible career choice, 145 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:54,040 I think I'd go for cleaning the suit. 146 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,520 What about Queen's Bagpiper, Richard, is that a real job? 147 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,840 Well, she's got everything, hasn't she, the Queen? 148 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,560 So, yeah, gosh, I'd imagine so. 149 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,000 She is really keen on bagpipers, isn't she? 150 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,400 Well, she inherited it. 151 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,920 Queen Victoria was terribly keen. I mean, mad keen, on them. 152 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,560 Mad for the bagpipes. Mad for the bagpipes. Yeah. 153 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,280 There was no telly then, so, you know, fair enough. 154 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,360 I have to say, it was much easier in the days 155 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,960 when all you had to be better than was a bagpiper. Yeah. 156 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,240 Nine o'clock every morning, he plays for 15 minutes 157 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:21,480 underneath her window. 158 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,480 Oh, no, he doesn't? Well, he's been told it's her window. 159 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,800 I have no... Who knows whether it is or not? 160 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,800 They play 15 minutes every day at Buckingham Palace, 161 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,920 Windsor Castle, Balmoral or Holyroodhouse. 162 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,560 They don't play at Sandringham. Anybody know why? 163 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,040 Because she needs a break. 164 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,840 That's the Christmas one, isn't it, Sandringham? Yeah. 165 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,880 Well, apparently it's because there isn't enough accommodation. 166 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,240 So... 167 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,440 I'm so sorry, we just don't have the room for the bagpiper. No. 168 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:50,840 One of the things they say... 169 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,280 It's kind of anti the Christmas story, isn't it? 170 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,680 Go in the stable! 171 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,640 No room for the bagpipers. 172 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,480 And when he's not bagpiping, he's a Page of Presence. 173 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,040 But I have no idea what that is. 174 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,920 A page of presents is Santa's list, isn't it? Oh. 175 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,080 I'm going to give you an extra point, 176 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,360 because that's the cutest answer anybody's ever given. 177 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,360 What about the Ornamental Hermit, David? What do you reckon? 178 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:23,640 I think... Didn't the sort of very rich man, aristocrat that built 179 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:27,760 follies might think a folly would be even more fun if it was permanently 180 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,880 inhabited by someone employed to sort of be there and be a hermit? 181 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,280 Yeah, you're absolutely right. It was very fashionable 182 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,760 in the 18th century. They liked people to sort of dress-up 183 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,240 as Druids, and they lived in caves. 184 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,240 If the land owner couldn't afford a hermit, 185 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,880 because, you know, they're pricey, they saved money by having 186 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:46,880 just the hermitage and telling everybody the hermit was out. 187 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,640 Which famously, hermits never are. 188 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:49,680 No. 189 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,600 Yeah, I'd have gone with, 190 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,760 "Don't bother the hermit, he's a bit of a loner." You know? 191 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,880 That's more plausible, isn't it? 192 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,240 Well, there are still several towns in Europe that have 193 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,160 professional hermits. So, early 2017, the Austrian town 194 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,640 of Saalfelden advertised for one. 195 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,440 There's no salary, but you get your own house and chapel, which is 196 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,800 very nice. There's no TV, no running water, no internet, 197 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,320 and you need to be sociable. 198 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,000 You need to be sociable? 199 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,480 Yeah, because people turn up. You wouldn't expect that. No. 200 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,600 If you'd finally made it as a professional hermit and then 201 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,800 they say, "Of course the main thing is you've got to be sociable." 202 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:31,000 Now, why shouldn't you give a teenage boy your phone? 203 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,520 Just plain hygiene. 204 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,880 Don't want to give a teenage boy anything, do you? 205 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,000 Actually, we are going back to the 19th century. 206 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,880 It's the very first telephone systems. 207 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,680 Bell telephone, 1878. 208 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,240 If a call came in, 209 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,160 they actually had to put a plug into the hole that the call was 210 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,040 being received, and then run a wire to where the call wanted to go. 211 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,160 And when they first set-up this system, they hired messenger boys, 212 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,160 because it was assumed that it was a physically demanding job, 213 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,760 and the boys would be fantastic at it, they'd be really fit. 214 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,720 Instead, they drank beer and wrestled each other, 215 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,400 swore at the customers and connected strangers together as a prank. 216 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,000 What if... Well, that's like the first social network. 217 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,680 Yes, it is, exactly. 218 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,280 I was going to say, what if this is what the internet is? 219 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,600 We think it's this whizzy thing, but it's actually just 220 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,520 a series of teenage boys in a little bunker, kind of connecting people. 221 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,280 I know, dressed like that. It would explain a lot about the internet 222 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,960 if it was. Yeah. And so the boys were very quickly replaced by women. 223 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,400 By the end of the 1880s, almost all phone operators were women, 224 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,960 and they could always remember who they were speaking to. 225 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,480 They had to say "number please" about a thousand times a day. 226 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,600 They were polite and they managed to knit at the same time. 227 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,600 This is the original multi-tasking. 228 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,360 And yet the toilet was still a sink. 229 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,520 Anyway, another O occupation now. 230 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,480 How would an Onion Johnny bring tears to your eyes? 231 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,240 Is he wearing one there? 232 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,400 No, it's not a thing. 233 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,760 It's not a thing? No. 234 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,760 So it's an emotion? Oh, what is the emotion of Onion Johnny? 235 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,080 It's a sad emotion, obviously, it brings tears to your eyes. 236 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,640 Yeah, because it's making you cry. An ennui, maybe. 237 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,000 You are heading in the right direction. OK, really? 238 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,320 Blimey! 239 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,440 In that we've managed to get a cod French accent in. Oh, all right. 240 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,800 So it's French. French, heading towards France. 241 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,400 French, but it's not a thing. It's a person. 242 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,200 Is it a person selling onions? 243 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,840 It's a person selling onions. 244 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,280 Absolutely right, Deirdre, very well done. 245 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,160 So they were French onion sellers, who travelled door to door. 246 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,560 The 1920s and '30s, there were up to 1,500 of them 247 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,840 who travelled to the UK for several months of the year, 248 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,440 mostly on bicycles. 249 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,560 And they were called Johnnies because were Jean, 250 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,080 many of them were called Jean, so they were Onion Johnnies. 251 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,600 And it's where we get the origin of the French stereotype, 252 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,760 the beret and the stripy jumper. 253 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,800 But in fact they were Breton, they were from Brittany. 254 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:05,080 So most French people are baffled by the fact that we think this is 255 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,680 what a Frenchman looks like, because most of the Johnnies didn't speak 256 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:12,480 French at all, they spoke Bretonese, which is a bit like Welsh. 257 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,760 2008 reported only 15 Onion Johnnies remaining. 258 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,440 Does anybody know the myth that 259 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,960 if you put half an onion in your sock, within half an hour 260 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,960 you'll be able to taste it, as the chemicals run through your body? 261 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,720 But why would you eat your sock? 262 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,120 No, you don't need to eat the sock. 263 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:32,280 You put the onion inside the sock, to keep it in place, 264 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,800 and then the chemicals seep up through your body. 265 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,360 Nonsense, I don't believe it. It is nonsense. 266 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,640 One of the elves tried this and it doesn't work, 267 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,880 and what worries me is that they tried it. 268 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,400 They are very thorough researchers. 269 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,080 They do very thorough research. 270 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,920 Sometimes they make you cry and sometimes they don't, don't they? 271 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,600 Yes. And there are all sorts of... And there's a reason for that. 272 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,480 I think it's the way in which you cut them. 273 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:56,920 Something to do with that, 274 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,280 and also whether your partner's just left you. 275 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,600 There's no point in putting a spoon in your mouth then, is there? 276 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,360 I do that. Put a silver... Yeah. Do you put a teaspoon in your mouth? 277 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,040 You're meant to put a spoon in your mouth. 278 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,480 When you're chopping the onion, you put a spoon in your mouth 279 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,360 and then you won't cry. But it doesn't work. 280 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,640 A teaspoon or a great big spoon, like a ladle? No, like a... 281 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,920 Let's say a dessert spoon. 282 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,920 Soup spoon sized. So you can't cry. 283 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,080 And do you have it curvy bit up or down? 284 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,320 I'd have the curly bit up in the shape of the palate. 285 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,840 Don't ask Deirdre, it doesn't work for her. Yeah. 286 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,760 Have you ever played the spoon game? 287 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,360 What's the spoon game? 288 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:44,040 The spoon game is, you put a spoon in your mouth, a bit like that... 289 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,960 Yeah. Put your head down, put your head down, it won't hurt. 290 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,560 Put my what? Your head. Head down, right. 291 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,720 And you go like that. 292 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,800 Right? Then, David, you can get up now. 293 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:56,840 Thank you. 294 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:02,160 Then David will put the spoon in his mouth and I'll put my head down. 295 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,800 Yeah. And then a third person behind me will hit me 296 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,440 with incredible force with another spoon. 297 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,440 And it really, really hurts. Yes. 298 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,000 So when you come up, you're enraged! 299 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,000 And then you put the spoon back in your mouth 300 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,120 and you really, really try as hard as you can. 301 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,520 And then they say, "Right," and then the third person, 302 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:20,880 and it took me three goes... 303 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,200 ..before I thought, "Hang on a minute," 304 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,360 "you're not doing that with a spoon in your mouth!" 305 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,920 What worried me is how compliant David was. 306 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,240 You had no idea. 307 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,080 I was just trying to look fun. 308 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,760 I've known you a long time, David, it's a new look. Yeah. 309 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:44,560 Right, moving on. 310 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,520 A double-O occupation - can you name the longest-lasting Soviet spy 311 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,320 to work in the UK? 312 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:52,560 Oh, yes. Yes? 313 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,920 My friend, Steve. 314 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,800 I shouldn't say that, actually. Shh! 315 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,480 But it is him. 316 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,320 It was a secretary called Melita Norwood, and she had 317 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:05,200 a job in a metals firm in London that was heavily involved... 318 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,480 You just have to look at her! 319 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,240 I know, you can tell straight away. 320 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,960 To be fair to her, she spent a while in Slade, as well. 321 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,320 Doesn't she look a bit like Richard, though? 322 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:21,560 Shh! 323 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,080 Like a little Richard. 324 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,760 She worked in a metals firm that was heavily involved in. 325 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,440 Britain's atomic project, and every night she used to open her 326 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,800 boss' safe and she used to photograph the contents, 327 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,160 and thanks to her the Soviet Union were able to test their 328 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,960 nuclear weapons much sooner. 329 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:40,280 And she was discovered as a spy in 1999, when she was 87 years old. 330 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,320 And the authorities decided there was no point in prosecuting her. 331 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,720 One of the least effective spies, Britain's Michael Bettaney, 332 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,640 hired by MI5 in 1982. 333 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,920 He once tried to dodge a ticket on a train while drunk, and when a guard 334 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,800 chased him, he shouted, "You can't arrest me, I'm a spy." 335 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,000 It's so easy to over-estimate the efficacy... I know. 336 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,200 ..of the double bluff, isn't it? Yeah. 337 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,760 Well, he later tried to get in touch with the KGB to sell them 338 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,360 some documents, and the KGB thought they were being set-up, 339 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,600 and they informed MI5 of his treachery. 340 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,040 So he was just rubbish. 341 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,760 Look, that is the worst bunny rabbit you've ever seen. 342 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,000 Probably the worst spying operation happened in 1940, 343 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,240 and this is one of my favourites - a dozen German spies 344 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,440 landed in Britain and they were all caught almost immediately. 345 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,680 One walked into a pub and asked for a pint of cider soon 346 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,400 after nine o'clock in the morning, 347 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,360 and they weren't allowed to serve alcohol before lunch. 348 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,120 "Half a litre of cider." 349 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,400 "straight away, please." 350 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,000 Another couple were stopped while cycling through Scotland 351 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,720 on the wrong side of the road, and when they looked in their bags, 352 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,320 they were found to contain German sausages and Nivea hand cream. 353 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,520 And I... What a combination that is! I know! 354 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,680 "Ooh!" 355 00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,280 "Ooh!" 356 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,240 "It's nine o'clock in the morning, Rolf!" 357 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,320 "I've had a cider, Hans." 358 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,960 I think it was because no British soldier would have hand cream, 359 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,120 but it turns out Nivea's German, I didn't know that. 360 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,040 Is it? Did you know that? It is German. Oh. 361 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,456 And one of them spoke no English at all, but the one who spoke. 362 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,480 English the best said his mission was to find out 363 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,160 "how the people is living, how many soldiers there are" 364 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,560 "and all the things." 365 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:32,160 It really is... 'Allo 'Allo! Was a documentary, basically, wasn't it? 366 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,640 There are some people who think they were deliberately sent 367 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,640 by senior German officers to sabotage the plot, 368 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,840 because they didn't want to invade Britain, but... 369 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,000 That's the Germans for you. 370 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,520 At the time. Come the time. 371 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,480 A lot of them have mended their ways since. 372 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:47,680 Oh! 373 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,800 No, a lot of them have. 374 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,040 It's a wonderful country. 375 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,320 For our friends in Berlin, Richard's address is... 376 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,960 Now, what is this man about to post? 377 00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,800 A letter. 378 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,920 Took a bullet there, everyone. Yeah. 379 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,000 Is he about to post a Movember selfie on Facebook? 380 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,480 No, it is a most extraordinary thing, he is about to post himself. 381 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,240 Is he? Yeah. His name is Willie Reginald Bray. 382 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,120 He was also known as the human letter, 383 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,160 he was an eccentric gentleman, who spent his entire life pushing 384 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,760 the British Post Office to their absolute limits. 385 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,000 And he started by sending unwrapped stamped objects to himself, 386 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,280 to see how that would go. 387 00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,800 So he sent a shirt collar and a half smoked cigar. 388 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,720 That's him actually posting onions on the right there. 389 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,200 And almost all of it got through without any trouble at all. 390 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,600 So he began to experiment. 391 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,880 He wrote to "Any Resident of London", there it is. 392 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,200 "Any Resident of London." 393 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,280 Sadly, that was rejected "insufficiently addressed." 394 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:50,000 But he did get his mother to crochet the address and that was accepted. 395 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,560 And he also wrote the address in mirror writing 396 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,360 and that was also accepted. 397 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,840 And then, finally he sent himself through the post. 398 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,480 He shipped himself to his father, 399 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,880 and there's his rather irritated father receiving him. 400 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,160 Then he decided to build the world's largest collection of autographs. 401 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:13,960 He wrote to the Reichstag in Germany so many times. 402 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,800 There's a letter back from Adolf Hitler's office - 403 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,440 "Please can you stop sending letters, the Fuhrer's quite busy." 404 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:25,040 What if that finally pushed Hitler over the edge? Yeah. 405 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,120 As I say, a lot of them these days, very different, 406 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,560 a very different country. Yeah. 407 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,440 Just keep digging that hole there, Richard, it's... 408 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,200 It's not a hole, it's a trench. 409 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:43,080 I'm just saying keep an eye on them, that's all I'm saying. 410 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,520 Right, moving on. 411 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,560 Now it's time for Alan's occupational hazard, 412 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,880 the round that we all call General Ignorance. 413 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,480 Fingers on buzzers, please. 414 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:53,800 Who do you go and see to get your eyes tested? 415 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,320 David? Optician. 416 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:56,680 Ah. 417 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:00,840 No. Why not? 418 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,360 Optometrist. 419 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:13,000 Yes. So the optician dispenses the glasses 420 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,800 and the optometrist is the person who actually tests your eyes. 421 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,600 You can be trained as both, so you might have an optician who is 422 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,840 also an optometrist, that is possible. 423 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,336 An optician who is also an optometrist, 424 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,000 that's a TV show I'd like to watch. 425 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,360 Crazy maverick optician who does optometry as a sideline. 426 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,640 Why might poor eyesight make a good impression? 427 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:38,480 Do you seem aloof and therefore people respect you? 428 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,120 When you can't see them, you don't rear back at their hideousness. 429 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,480 Or try and jump them because of their beauty. Yeah. 430 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,600 So either way your response is muted. 431 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:52,640 Muted. It's not that. 432 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,720 I have very bad eyesight, even with glasses, 433 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,160 so I can see virtually nothing. 434 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,840 But it does mean, you know in all the Hollywood movies 435 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:00,280 when they used to sort of... 436 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,240 Yeah, I see that. Can I say, thank you very much. 437 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,920 So everyone looks like they're shot through a filter. 438 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,160 OK, so it isn't about that, it's to do with impressions. 439 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,560 Oh... Oh, oh, is it because Monet and Manet had bad eyesight 440 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,560 and that's why they painted in the way they did? 441 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:14,760 It's absolutely to do with... 442 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,280 Many of the Impressionists suffered from very poor eyesight. 443 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:18,440 That explains a lot. 444 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,696 I've, yeah, I'm very short-sighted. 445 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,320 Without glasses or contact lenses, 446 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:23,680 things look a bit like an impressionist painting. 447 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,280 Right. I was walking, I was in a hotel in New York recently, 448 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,616 and I was walking down a long corridor. 449 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,776 At the end of the corridor I saw this painting which I thought, 450 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:30,800 this, that is beautiful. 451 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:32,880 Like a big... It was abstract, it was red and white 452 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:33,920 and all kinds of stuff. 453 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,376 And I thought when I get to the end of the corridor, I'm going 454 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,440 to see what that is. And it was a fire hose. 455 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,360 It was very nice. It was beautiful. 456 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,440 That would be a thoroughly irresponsible painting to 457 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,680 hang in a hotel corridor. It would be. 458 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,480 Well, Monet's unusual colours may be down to his cataracts. 459 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:56,880 And he's not the only one. 460 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,520 Degas probably had maculopathy, so it's a retinal disease, 461 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,200 it affects your central vision. 462 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,480 And that explains the increasing blurriness in his paintings. 463 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,200 And it is thought that Van Gogh suffered from lead poisoning, 464 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,120 and that can make your retinas swell, and you start to see 465 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,840 light in circles, so very like the Starry Night. 466 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,480 And Van Gogh also treated, of course, 467 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,000 with digitalis for his epilepsy, 468 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,240 and that drug can cause you to see in yellow or yellow-green, and 469 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,360 that could explain his increasing use of yellow in later works. 470 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:27,040 Now, if your surname is Farmer, what did your ancestors do for a living? 471 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,720 Pharmacists. 472 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,080 Good thing, good! Excellent. 473 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,080 Pharmacists is very good. Very good. Pharmacists, no? 474 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:39,280 In the Middle Ages, a fermier was a tax collector. 475 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:42,520 So early fermiers collected taxes for the Crown, 476 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:46,200 and they would pick applicants to work on tenanted lands. In time, 477 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,696 they made money out of this, they began to buy land, they began 478 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:53,480 to grow crops on it, and eventually they became what we know as farmers. 479 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,040 The very first-ever farmers, in our sense of the word, 480 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,480 was a man called William Le Fermer, recorded in 1238. 481 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,120 So farmers are actually tax collectors. 482 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,240 Well, let's have a look at some other occupational surnames. 483 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,600 Anybody know any of these? Osman? 484 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,280 Oh, that's a good one. Yes? 485 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,920 If you go back a couple of generations, 486 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,960 we were all charcoal burners in the New Forest. 487 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,920 OK, but it's anybody who worked with bones, 488 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,360 so it could be a rag and bone man. 489 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,480 Oh, that's fun. 490 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,160 Yeah, so it was an Osman. 491 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,440 Knatchbull? 492 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,040 It's somebody who hits bulls on the head to stun them 493 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:24,480 before they get slaughtered. 494 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,960 With a spoon. And they do it with a huge spoon, yeah. 495 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,360 Yeah, a massive spoon. 496 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,400 What about a Warner? 497 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,960 Is that a sort of health and safety inspector? 498 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,840 Is it someone who makes yellow cards? No. 499 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,080 That's a football joke. A football joke, OK. 500 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,800 Hang on two seconds. 501 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:47,840 Ha-ha-ha! 502 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,360 It's somebody who looks after royal rabbit warrens. 503 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,520 What about a Dickman, what do you reckon? 504 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,960 It's somebody who digs ditches, a Dickman. 505 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,000 And a Kellogg? 506 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,240 Cereal killer? 507 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:06,280 Yes. 508 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:09,440 Yes. 509 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,120 It is, it's a killer of hogs, it's a butcher. Oh, OK. 510 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:16,720 If your surname is Farmer, your ancestors were tax collectors. 511 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,480 Name the greatest Wimbledon champion of all time? 512 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:21,960 Andy Murray. 513 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,840 I think I would have said Sampras. Sorry. 514 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,360 Sampras? 515 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:32,520 Great Uncle Bulgaria. 516 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:38,040 Is it... Is it a croquet player? 517 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,200 Yes! It is a croquet player. 518 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,560 Absolutely right. 519 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:46,720 Yeah. Aah. 520 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,960 Professor Bernard Neal is the greatest Wimbledon 521 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,840 champion of all time, he won the croquet championships 38 times. 522 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,320 So if you think about it, 523 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:58,080 Navratilova won Wimbledon singles nine times, he won 38 times. 524 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,760 He only took the sport up at the age of 40. 525 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:05,840 Between 1963 and 2002, he won 37 titles out of a possible 40. 526 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,320 Smacks of a drug cheat, that. 527 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:13,400 What do you have to press on the red button to get coverage of the croquet? 528 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,440 I've got a bit of croquet here. So. Oh. 529 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,200 Alan, what colour do you want to be? 530 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,120 Do you want to be red, or blue, or...? 531 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,320 Black. 532 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,120 Black, here we go. Can I be the iron? 533 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,920 Which way are you going to go? Are you going to go right? 534 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,440 I don't know why that's pleased me so much. 535 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,080 It went miles, it went miles, viewer. 536 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,080 That'll be under someone's feet. 537 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:47,880 Croquet, it was an Olympic sport. 538 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,400 And it should be still. 539 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,040 It was dropped after 1900, 540 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,520 because only one person turned up to watch, so... 541 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,040 But the reason it's interesting is because the very first women to 542 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:01,560 take part in the Olympics took part as part of the French croquet team. 543 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:03,200 So there were seven men and three women. 544 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:04,760 And it was thought to be rather racy, 545 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,720 because it was a game where men and women played on equal footing. 546 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,720 There's a wonderful quote from the American Christian Review, 547 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:14,840 in 1878, said, "Croquet would lead to moral decline in American women", 548 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:18,760 "and consequences would include absence from church," 549 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,240 "immoral conduct and eventually ruin." 550 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,440 True though. That's a very pessimistic view, isn't it, really? 551 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,760 I love that. But I love that. 552 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,520 Anybody know the connection between croquet and Pall Mall, 553 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,800 the great street in London? 554 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:36,640 They played croquet upon it? 555 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,736 Yes, they did. It is, in fact, where croquet comes from. 556 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,920 An Italian game, 17th century game called Palle-Malle. 557 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:42,960 And both Pall Mall 558 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,400 and the Mall were designed specifically to play this game. 559 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,120 They whacked the ball up the course, 560 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,840 and then they had to shoot a ball through a suspended hoop 561 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,960 at the end, and that's where we begin to get croquet from. 562 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,880 Can I have my things back, please? 563 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:58,000 I've lost the black, I'm sorry, it's gone. 564 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:02,880 And at the end of all that, it is time for the scores. 565 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:09,880 In first place, our employee of the week, with minus two, is David. 566 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,240 Performing adequately, with minus five, it's Richard. 567 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:20,080 Thank you. 568 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,920 On a final warning, with minus seven, Deirdre. 569 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:30,320 And clearing their desk, with minus 49 points... 570 00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:31,440 What? Alan! 571 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:43,880 And of course we have a prize for our winner. 572 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:50,440 This week's objectionable object is this lovely Queen Victoria milk jug. 573 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,600 That's for you, David, because you can't have a show without prizes. 574 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:55,000 Lovely. 575 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,760 It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Richard, David and Alan. 576 00:28:57,800 --> 00:28:59,400 Thank you and goodnight.