Oooh !
Eeee !
Hello ?
Hi. Hi !
- Yeah. No, I just... I'm just... - Uhhh !
..you know, just hanging out... Stop it !
Er, no. Nobody, nobody.
Erm, yeah.
Today ? All right, yeah. OK.
Well, I'll, er... I'll see you later, then. Bye.
That was Sarah. She wants to see me today.
- I wonder what that's all about. - I dunno.
Maybe she wants her CD player back.
- Oooh ! - Maybe she's getting married.
Ooh !
- Maybe she's pregnant. - Aaaarghhhh !...
- So what's the attraction of this, then ? - What ?
- Skateboarding. - What do you mean ?
- Why do you do it ? - It's quicker than walking.
- Is it easy ? - Daisy ! I'm kinda busy at the moment.
- Have you seen my chocolate beanie ? - I was just asking.
The only woman in my life I've ever cared about
who isn't computer-generated or a fictional FBI agent
has just phoned up and asked to see me.
You've picked a weird time to take a spontaneous interest in my travel habits.
- Thanks ! - All right, don't get upset.
You hate skateboarding, anyway. You're always saying it's childish,
which really pisses me off because it's not.
- All right, calm down. - I am calm !
I thought you were gonna take me to the ICA to see Akira.
Yeah, well, you know,... we'll watch it on video.
What was all that stuff you were saying about "You've gotta see it on the big screen" ?
Well, we'll just... sit close to the telly.
All right, well,... take care of yourself.
- Thank you. - That's what you're best at, isn't it ?
(Teo Usuelli: Piacere Sequence)
So, er... how's it going ?
Tim, I've split up with Duane.
What are you telling me for ?
Daddy cool.
Ow ! Hi.
- Hi. - Shall we go in ?
Can you believe it ? He's going out to meet her !
So ? I see all of my ex-boyfriends.
I see my ex-girlfriends.
Well, not so much see as... watch.
- They might get back together. - That's what she wants him to think.
She's gonna look really good, to remind him of how much he likes her,
and say things like "I'm just... I'm really confused."
What kind of creature does that...
and knowingly tortures someone just to satisfy her own vanity ?
- What are you doing today, Brian ? - Going to an exhibition later.
Tunde Aragundade's White Paintings of the 20th Century.
- Sounds riveting. - Is he the one who does the white paintings ?
Yeah.
And he wears cheesecloth shirts ? I know who you mean.
D'you wanna come ?
The thing is, I can't really walk in these heels. They're more for sitting down than moving.
Oh, OK.
I'll pop back later if you change your...
shoes.
Bye.
- Did Brian just ask you out ? - No.
- Yes, he did. - No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did. - Don't be silly.
Yes, he diiiiid !
Did he ?
So, er... how's it going ?
Tim, I've split up with Duane.
(Fantastic Plastic Machine: S'il Vous Plaît)
Hey !
- How did it go ? - Pretty good.
- Pretty good ? - Yeah, she's split up with Duane.
- Right. - She said she felt a little bit confused,
but basically... I think she wants me back.
We're gonna meet at the Bell later on, talk at length.
- Right. - Yes, and I've got a funny feeling
she's gonna want me to move back in with her.
- What was that ? - It was our new doorbell.
I bought it back from the shop. It was gonna be a surprise.
- It was a surprise. - Good.
What do you mean, you've got a funny feeling ?
I just know, you know. I can read her like a book.
- Don't judge a book by its cover. - He who dares wins.
- Look before you leap. - Do you believe in life after love ?
- That's a song. - Shit.
How do you know she's not gonna change her mind and dump you again ?
- That's the doorbell again. - Go on, then.
All right !
It's Mike. Gotta take him for his re-evaluation.
- Hello, Daisy. - Tim, I think we should talk about this.
Did I ever tell you how Mike and myself became such good friends ?
It's quite an interesting story. It happened when we were children,
a long, long time ago.
Tim ?
Tim ? Tim !
What ? !
- What ? - I can't believe you wanna move out.
I don't want to...
I don't want to move out from you, I just want to move in with her.
- I don't understand. - What is your problem ?
- I thought you'd be happy for me. - Oh, I am. Yes, I am.
It's what I want, Daisy. You must have things you want.
You always go on about wanting to go to Asia and see the Taj Mahal. I don't complain.
Yeah, I wanna go to Asia, I wanna see the Taj Mahal.
But the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with its boss behind my back and break my heart !
Yeah, well, it might if you go to Asia.
What's her problem ?
Maybe she's worried about you stumbling blindly into a doomed relationship,
getting badly hurt again,
while losing this place and the friendship you've built up over the past six months.
It must mean a lot to her or she wouldn't be so bothered about your emotional wellbeing.
Get in the car, you big ape.
OK, then.
Just be yourself, OK ? Don't do anything odd. It's really important for me that you get this.
- It isn't your fault, Tim. - It is, Mike.
- Isn't. - Is.
- Isn't...
- Ooh, why, you... - Ahh !
It is my fault, Mike. I know we were only little, but...
I can still see you up that tree.
Come on !
If you hadn't jumped, your retinas'd still be attached - you'd be in the regular army.
- You don't know that, Tim. - Just...
- Give it your best shot, OK ? - Can't you come in with me ?
I'm not your dad, Mike.
Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.
I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab,
I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andie MacDowell,,,
Mr Watt, we're here to ascertain whether you're ready to rejoin the Territorial Army.
Yes.
It's important to establish that you understand the reasons for your original suspension.
- I do, sir. - Go on.
In 1994, while on weekend manoeuvres in France,
I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors.
I then attempted to invade Paris.
However, en route I stopped at Disneyland, or Eurodisney as it was then called,
and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this ?
At the time, I was suffering serious emotional problems that clearly affected my judgment.
I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation
and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
Why do you think that was ?
I dunno.
Thanks for the shoes, Daise.
Ahh, are you sure you don't want to come, mm ?
No, better not, I've got loads of work to do.
Well, maybe I could...
Kick. Kick. Kick !
Kick ! Kick !
- I'm going to pick up Mike from the TA. - Yeah, all right.
What time are you meeting Sarah ?
Will you get off my back ? !
- I'm not on your back. - You are !
Yeah... I can feel you, you're there, like Jabba's little mate - "Wa-ha-ha !"
Why can't you just wish me luck and say "Have a good time" ?
I'm not a hypocrite, I wouldn't wish you luck with something I think is bad for you.
- Well, can't you pretend ? - No.
- You just don't want me to move out, do you ? - What ?
- You don't want me to move out. - Is that what you think this is about ?
- Well... - You conceited little shit !
Don't you dare flatter yourself to think that I would stand in your way for my own ends.
For your information, I would be sad if you moved out,
but it isn't about me.
I'm your friend, and friends are supposed to look out for each other,
and I think you're making a mistake.
If you're too stupid to see that, then someone, a friend, me, should point it out to you.
Well, OK, while we're being friends, maybe I should be a friend to you
and point out that you're using my personal problems
as another in a long line of excuses not to get out your bloody typewriter and do some work !
I am not avoiding work.
Oh, right, OK... "Ooh, let's have a party."
"Ooh, let's do some theatre."
"Ooh, let's get a dog."
"Ooh, let's spend hours in front of our bedroom mirror bogling to Aswad !"
- That was research ! - You keep telling yourself that, Daisy,
but I think I am big enough and ugly enough to make my own mistakes !
Well, Sarah obviously does.
Nina Williams wins !
Ha-ha-ha !
Daisy Steiner wins !
Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha ha-ha !
- Oh, hi, Marsha. - Hello. Are you busy ?
Erm, well, yes, I'm...
working.
But I could do with a breather.
Listen,... I couldn't help overhearing you and Tim rowing.
- Really ? - Oh, it's all right.
It was ever so loud.
- ..bogling to Aswad ! - That was research !
Sorry.
That's all right. Do you want a splash of vino collapso ?
Once again, the fruit of my loins has fucked off to Top Shop with the housekeeping.
Well, I'll just have the one.
I just saw that friend of yours, Twit, leaving with Brian.
- What's that all about, then ? - They're just going to an exhibition together.
Is it serious ?
Tunde Aragundade.
Bloody hell.
Oh, well. C'est la vie.
Et tu, Brian ?
What is going on between you and Brian ?
- This one ? - War.
- This one ? - Bombs ?
- This one ? - Guts.
Guns.
Guts and guns.
Butterfly.
Butterfly with a bomb.
Finally, Mr Watt, how does this make you feel ?
Nice.
Welcome back, Mike.
You and Brian ?
Yeah.
Well...
one night he came up here, begging me to let him stay cos he couldn't pay his rent.
We had a couple of bottles of duty-free grappa.
Next thing I know,...
I'm riding him like a bitch from hell.
You became lovers ?
No, it was his rent, really.
Did he leave a deposit ?
To tell you the truth,
I'm not sure how interested he is in women.
Nice Arse.
1957.
The Fifth Elephant.
Mm.
I mean, look at them, they're all so...
They're really...
Samey.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So, what have you and Tim been rowing about ?
- He says he wants to move out. - Oh, dear.
Trouble in paradise.
He says I was avoiding work.
- Well, are you ? - No !
Yes.
Aah, don't worry, he'll come back.
- If he doesn't, are you gonna chuck me out ? - No !
I like having you here.
I feel like you've always lived here.
I hope you never leave.
Never leave,,, Never leave,,, Never leave,,, Never leave,,,
(Aswad: Don't Turn Around)
Sorry, Marsha, I think... I've got to get on with some work.
Oh, it's all right, kitten.
I'm gonna go and have a lie down, I'm pissed.
Listen,...
you can tell your friend Twit she can have Brian.
His housing benefit's come through, anyway.
- Good night. - Night.
Right. You're coming with me.
(Theme from Murder, She Wrote)
This was really inspiring, thank you, Brian.
- I got you a postcard. - Thanks.
Oh, my favourite !
Well,... I suppose... I'll see you.
Exhibition on next week. Sounds good.
- Really ? - It's Roman Duchamp's insect faecal matter.
Faecal ? Lovely.
I was thinking...
afterwards, if you, er...
er, want to go for a drink ?
Yep, OK.
I've held you in my arms a thousand times
Closed my eyes and known we would always be together
I smiled at you through all your many lies
Unknowing and unthinking that eternity would be never
As distance dulls the memory and bitter history grows hazy
I realise my one true love is in fact a girl called,,,
- Hi. - Hi ! Hi, hi.
- Your hair looks nice. - Thanks.
I see you're still murdering yours with peroxide.
Ah ! Don't know what you mean.
I guess we've got a lot to talk about.
Yeah, yeah. I guess we have.
Paper... paper... I need more paper.
Paper.
Ah !
- Hello ? - Hi, Daisy, it's me.
Oh, Tim. Where are you ?
I'm in the pub. Look, do you fancy a drink ?
Erm,... not really.
'Oh.'
Is Sarah still there ?
- No, she's gone. - Oh, I see. Right.
All right. Well, you get them in and I'll see you in a few minutes. All right, mate ?
- Hiya. - Ah ! Well...
I've been writing.
- Have you ? - Yep.
After you left, I just sat down in front of my typewriter and it just poured out.
- Really ? - Yeah.
"Winter skin care: dos and don'ts",
er, "Sex and food: the modern woman's addiction",
and "Bogling - is it the new tango ?".
Wow ! So it was research ?
Yeah.
So, I'm thinking Bella for the first two, Observer for the bogling.
It's probably for the best.
Yeah, I know and before you say anything, it was my decision.
- Really ? - Yeah.
She wanted me back but I said no.
Wow.
l-I just had a moment of clarity, you know. I woke up.
It's like... you know when you have an orgasm on your own ?
You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa
watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken, Ionely night in Soho,
and everything is really great.
You're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images,
everything seems so right, and suddenly... bingo ! You wake up.
And you're lying there sweating,
desperately looking for the tissue which you know is still in your pocket
and the remote control which is somewhere on the floor,
and it's like walking in on yourself, you know.
It's just like "What you doing ?"
That's how I felt tonight, feeling my heart miss a beat every time the door opened.
"What the fuck are you doing ?"
Well, that's love, isn't it ? A load of old wank.
Life just isn't like the movies, is it ? You know ?
We're constantly led to believe in resolution, in the re-establishment of the ideal status quo
and it's just not true.
Happy endings are a myth
designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is a thankless struggle.
Do you want to dance ?
Do you know what ? I think I do.
Now, I got a woman who's always late
Every time we make a date
But I love her
And I want her
Gonna walk up to her gate
See if I can get it straight
Cos I love her
I'm gonna ask her
Is you is, or is you ain't my baby ?
The way you're acting lately makes me doubt
Yes, it does
You is still my baby, baby
It seems my flame in your heart's done gone out
Do you really watch porn in the flat ?
Er, only when you're out.
Sometimes when you're asleep on the beanbag.
- Can I borrow some ? - Er, yeah.
Thanks.
When you find the one you love
She's gone and made a change
But is you is, or is you ain't my baby ?
Maybe baby's found somebody new
Or is my baby
Still my baby true ?
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