====================================================================================== The Chicken Song ====================================================================================== It's the time of year Now that Spring is in the air When those two wet gits with their girly curly hair Make another song for moronic holidays That nauseate-ate-ate In a million different ways From the shores of Spain To the coast of Southern France No matter where you hide You just can't escape this dance Hold a chicken in the air Stick a deckchair up your nose Buy a jumbo jet And then bury all your clothes Paint your left knee green Then extract your wisdom teeth Form a string quartet And pretend your name is Keith Skin yourself alive Learn to speak Arapahoe Climb inside a dog And behead an eskimo Eat a Renault Four with salami in your ears Casserole your gran Disembowel yourself with spears The disco is vibrating The sound is loud and grating It's truly nauseating Let's do the dance again Hold a chicken in the air Stick a deckchair up your nose Yes you'll hear this song in the holiday discos And there's no escape in the clubs or in the bars You would hear this song if you holidayed in Mars Skin yourself alive Learn to speak Arapahoe Climb inside a dog And behead an eskimo Now you've heard it once Your brain will spring a leak And though you hate this song You'll be humming it for weeks Hold a chicken in the air Stick a deckchair up your nose Buy a jumbo jet And then bury all your clothes La la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la La la la la la la laaaaaaa ====================================================================================== Tomorrow Belongs to Me ====================================================================================== (Young Banker) The sun on the meadow is summery warm, The stag in the forest runs free. But gathered together to greet the storm – Tomorrow belongs to me. The branch on the linden is leafy and green, The Rhine gives it gold to the sea. But somewhere a glory awaits unseen – Tomorrow belongs to me. The babe in the cradle is closing his eyes, The blossom embraces the bee. But soon, says a whisper, arise, arise! Tomorrow belongs to me! Oh fatherland, fatherland, show us a sign, Your children are waiting to see! The morning will come when the world is mine, Tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs to me! (Douglas Hurd) Yeah! (All) Oh fatherland, fatherland, show us a sign, Your children are waiting to see! The morning will come when the world is mine, Tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs to me! (Roy Hattersley) So, you still think you control them, Neil ? (All) Oh fatherland, fatherland, show us a sign, Your children are waiting to see! The morning will come when the world is mine, Tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs to me! Tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs… (Margaret Thatcher) Tomorrow belongs to me... ====================================================================================== The Atheist Tabernacle Choir ====================================================================================== If you don't believe in God... clap your hands If you don't trust the Lord then... clap your hands If you reject the possibility of a diety then... clap your hands And join the Atheist Tabernacle Choir We're not gonna cross that... Jordan River It don't even exist, that... Jordan River To be honest it's an outmoded religious metaphor, that... Jordan River Yes, we're the Atheist Tabernacle Choir Six feet deep... that's where I'm going Six feet deep... no afterliving Six feet deep... yup, it's depressing We're not gonna reach the... Promised Land There's no such thing as that... Promised Land It's a cynical notion dreamed up by priests in collaboration with landed interests in order to subjugate the masses that... Promised Land Let's sing for Atheist Tabernacle Choir In a wooden box... that's where I'm heading A wooden box... forever dead in- A wooden box... no resurrecting A wooden box... yep, it's depressing If you believe in nothing... sing out loud If you think it's all cobblers... sing out loud If you find the whole idea of personal freedom is circumscribed by the seemingly arbitrary activities of a supreme being, then... sing out loud And join the Atheist Tabernacle Choir Yes folks, we're the Atheist Tabernacle Choir - the only choir that asks Why - do Christians get to sing all the best music? Why - can't non-believers sing gospel? And Why - can't existentialists bang a tambourine? So if you've no hope in your heart, but a song on your lips and the only soul you believe in is James Brown, then come on forward, and . . . join the Church of England or the Atheist Tabernacle Choir. Not Hallelujah! Don't praise the Lord! ====================================================================================== When You're 65 ====================================================================================== When you star’s dropping off, losing your teeth, you’re put out to grass, (?) You've got nothing to do – spend all the day – sitting round on your arse. People think – you’re an old codger – who’s too senile to drive, Things can get pretty tough – no-one gives a stuff – when you’re sixty-five. It’s forgotten too soon – the years you put in – all that work you did, The pension is crap – you’re expected to live – on a couple of quid. Then along – comes the Poll Tax – so you struggle and you strive, You’re old and you’re grey – but you still have to pay – when you’re sixty-five. We’ll be too brassic even to afford a little pot in to which to pee, It’s the end of the line. Every winter we’ll get hypothermia when they disconnect our electricity, Life won’t be like “Last of the Summer Wine”. You barricade yourself in from the violence and crime, OAP’s live in fear. It’s a comforting thought, though, your kids still pop around, Oh, at least once a year. The suggest an old folks home, cause they've got busy lives, What could be worse, than a bullying nurse, when you’re sixty-five? Every single day they send you round the meals-on-wheels and you can eat it if you dare, I’d rather eat the wheels! Then they give you a bus-pass that entitles you to travel without paying the fare, Wow, big bloody deal! If you ever get ill – join the hospital queue – but please don’t hold your breath, You’re in terrible pain – but wait for two years – cause its not life or death, let’s face it! Are you being – a burden – from simply by being alive? If you’re in doubt – you’ll soon find out – when you’re sixty-five ====================================================================================== (How the Hell) Do We Get Away With It ====================================================================================== There are many unanswered questions in the universal sphere Does life have any meaning? I wonder why we're here Is there some higher power? Father, Son and Holy Ghost Dunno but there's one question that baffles us the most How the hell do we keep getting away with this How the hell did I make a career as a vocalist How the hell can we keep getting away with murder How the hell can our clothes get any absurder How the hell can all our songs be quite so duff How the hell can anyone actually like this stuff How the hell can this old cobblers ever become a hit How the hell do we get away with it? The great Bermuda triangle's a mystery to be sure People vanish quicker there than prisoners from Group 4 We can't answer the poser "how many grains of sand" But there are many riddles of which we must demand How the hell can Kate Moss keep on getting any thinner How the hell can any woman fancy Michael Winner How the hell can Major say he'll do away with class How the hell can anyone stick a hamster up their arse How the hell can any sane man laugh at Hale & Pace How the hell can you not wanna smack me in the face How the hell can people stand for such a lot of shit How the hell do we get away with it! ====================================================================================== 80s House Price Slump (The Madness -- "Our House") ====================================================================================== Dad believed what Maggie said Get a mortgage buy a home So dad took out a great big loan For a while there we were chuffed Now the market has collapsed And we're absolutely stuffed Our house, in the middle of a slump Our house, no one wants to buy this dump Dad is desperate to sell But now our homes worth even less Than a pension from Maxwell Our living room's a mess Full of magistrates and bailiffs Trying to repossess Our house, in the middle of the boom Our house, it was worth a small fortune Our house, left us in a dreadful state Our house, why the hell'd we decorate We really caught a cold Nowhere we can go to now All the council houses have been sold Our dads taken some stick He's still voting Tory though By God he must be thick Our house, didn't work out like we planned Our house, prices dropped by fifty grand Our house, threw us out and changed the locks Our house, it is now a cardboard box Our house, didn't work out like we planned Our house, prices dropped by fifty grand Our house, threw us out and changed the locks Our house, it is now a cardboard box ====================================================================================== All Things ====================================================================================== (Cabinet) All things nice and lucrative, All business great and small, All things privatisable, Our Leader made them all. (Nigel Lawson) The rich man in his Roller, (Norman Tebbit) The poor man on his bike, (Douglas Hurd) She made them high or low and (Norman Fowler) Removed the right to strike. (Cecil Parkinson) All things economical (Nicholas Ridley) Each green belt motorway (coughs) (Kenneth Clark) Hospitals and surgeries (Cabinet) Our leader makes them pay. (Choirboy) The graveyards in the Falklands, The policeman with a gun, The desperate, the homeless, She made them every one. All things that are viable, All semi-poisoned food, All radiated vegtables, Our leader called them good. (Choir) The train that never gets there, The bus that doesn't come, The school with no resources, The overcrowded slum. (Choirboy) All free market enterprise, Each yuppie walking tall, All things indefensible, Our leader made them all. ====================================================================================== America! ====================================================================================== (Announcer) The Sharks and the Wets on-stage please for "Westminster Story!" (Margaret Thatcher) I want to be like America, No-one Lefty in America, Right-wing loony in America, People like me in America! No TUC in America, No EEC in America, No C of E in America, No Rob Runsie in America! I know a city called London, Shaking it up is what I’ve done, British IB hits the silt-works, (?) Still I turn it all into New York! (Ha ha!) I want to be like America, No royalty in America, No-one curtseys in America, Except to me in America! No NHS in America, No state like us in America, (?) No free ill-ness in America, Couldn’t care less in America! I know a village called Greenham, The only place here that I’m keen on, That is the reason that I say, America rules UK! I want to be like America, No good TV in America, No BBC in America, No KDD in America! Free enterprise in America, All privatised in America, Ever despised in America, (?) All are despised in America! America! ====================================================================================== Anteater Song ====================================================================================== (lyrics TBA) ====================================================================================== Are You Getting Old or Are We Shite? ====================================================================================== You might have seen the poster for the album we're flogging It's the tasteful artistic one of the two birds snogging And now you turn on your TV at your children's suggestion You listen to our music, can you ask yourself the question Are you getting old or are we shite Have you got it wrong and our fans got it right Are you a middle aged git who's gone all up tight Are you getting old or are we shite You used to be a rebel even bought a pair of loons And now you long for the days when songs had tunes You don't like loud music now, you've lost all your passion And even more worrying the loons are back in fashion Are you getting old or are we shite Would you rather get down or get a nice early night Does the strobe on our video strain your eyesight Are you getting old Are you getting old Are you getting old No. You're Shite! Are you getting old or are we shite Are you getting old or are we shite (repeats) ====================================================================================== Bonnie Scotland Song ====================================================================================== It’s a foreign mist a’ swirlin’ o’er this distant land ah roam, But it takes me again to the misty glen, and to Scotland, my bonnie home... Where the bluebells sweep the hillside, and the school bells on the valley, And I think as I stand in this distant land; I couldn’t half murder a curry! So beat the drums slowly, but faster than that, No slower... No faster... No slower ya twat! And I’ll tell ya the memory that fair makes me greet, It’s the tandoori take-out on Decatholic Street. (?) The Macgregor's have slain the Camborne's, And the Stuart's have murdered the Grant's, But tonight I be killin’ a curry, God willin', And throwing it up all over the mats! Ah hear the popadoms comin’, And the song of tandoori king prawn, And contented I feed, but for Billy and me, (?) And a bottom that burns in the morn! Oh! (???) and wish to ya mints, (?) I ordered a leopard… That doesn’t make sense… Ah hate bloody Scotland and all that comes from it, Well except for the curry, the fights and the vomit! ====================================================================================== Born To Teach Woodwork ====================================================================================== My mother always told me, "Son take the easy life" Get a good job in the city, get a mortgage, get a wife But the rebel in me wouldn't let me settle for second best And that's why from that day on... I've never worn a vest I wasn't born to read Plato or Neacher I was born to be a... Woodwork Teacher I was born to teach woodwork, born to smell of linseed Born to teach woodwork... all of my life I was born with a 4B pencil wedged behind my ear Making stools and tent-pegs, with the first and second year The teachers in the staff room, well they all look down on me But at least I'm six times smarter than the guy... who takes P.E. Workin' nine to five ain't no good for me I was born to work from nine to half past three I was born to to teach woodwork, born to drive a Renault Born to have nicknames... all of my life I wasn't born to make pastry or quiche Cookery? Ha! Well I'm a woodwork teacher... hargh! (saxophone solo) I was born to teach woodwork, born to wear a cordoroy Born to be laughed at... 'til I die... HUH! ====================================================================================== Calafornia Reagans ====================================================================================== (lyrics TBA) ====================================================================================== Clean Rubgy Songs ====================================================================================== (lyrics TBA) ====================================================================================== Commons of House ====================================================================================== Voiceover: This is a journey into a lunatic asylum. Speaker: Order! Or-or-or-or-order! SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House. Nigel Lawson: I'm the coolest cat Geoffery Howe: And I'm a little mouse SINGERS: House of Commons, where nothing's ever changed Neil Kinnock: I'll fight and die for my country Margaret Thatcher: We'll see if that can be arranged Edwina Currie: There's a doctor in the house, but no nurses in the hospitals David Owen: Jack your body, j-j-jack your body (body) David Steel: For God's sake, David, don't give in. Speaker: Order! Or-or-order! Roy Hattersley: Ooh, I'll have a steak please SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Leon Brittan, Roy Hattersley, Cyril Smith: We are the fat boys Norman Tebbit: And I'm the skinny yob SINGERS: House of Commons, where everyone's a star Neil Kinnock: Hey listen man, I'm bad! Tony Benn: Yes, as leader, you certainly are. Edwina Currie: Push it, push it real good Cecil Singer: (Push it) Ron Brown: Drop the mace, drop the mace Michael Heseltine:And wave it about Nigel Lawson: Drop your wads, drop your wads, drop your wads on the counter Ken Livingstone: Tony Benn, Tony Benn is a bad young brother, in actual fact SINGERS: House of Commons, to be an MP Margaret Thatcher: You must keep talking rap, Neil Kinnock: That's rap with a capital C SINGERS: House of Commons, how common can you get Neil Kinnock: Hey what's your favourite group Roy? Roy Hattersley: Wet Wet Wet! SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Neil Kinnock: Ah, Roy, you big fat... Edwina Currie: Push it, push it, don't force it! We're going to have big fun. (The following goes on during the credits.) SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Douglas Hurd: I'm a ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ninety-nine... our house. Neil Kinnock: Ah, shut up, a lot of you, you bastards. All of you, get out, Out! Out! SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Edwina Currie: Only way is up, babies. SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Other politican: The problem will be, that no-one will ever be... erm... SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Douglas Hurd: You want it open or wrapped? Neil Kinnock: GET OUT! SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Nicholas Ridley (simulated): Build a house, build a house, build a house, on the greenbelt. Edwina Currie (simulated): Oh, Cecil! Must be yours. Roy Hattersley: {unknown} Neil Kinnock: Say that again, Roy? SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House Other politican: Notice the messy compartment. Edwina Currie: What ya mean, you need a whole lot of roses? SINGERS: House of Commons, Commons of House. Douglas Hurd: Our house. ====================================================================================== Cricket Song ====================================================================================== I'm heading for South Africa, I'm off to catch me flight, I left behind me conscience, And now I'm travelling light, People like to hate us, They say we're not too bright, But now we've just defeated, We've ended up alright. Alright! We're breaking down Apartheid, We're going to help the blacks, We're doing it for freedom, And eighty grand less tax, We don't know much about it, But one thing is for sure, It gives us all a great excuse To miss the West Indies Tour! We're welcome in South Africa, They like our macho-state, And I'm allowed to drink with him, 'Cause this is only mud, The alcohol allows us, Our British lying spud, It makes us drop our trousers, And fancy Zola Budd, We're breaking down Apartheid, With all our famous friends, For the Commonwealth of Country, We've buggered up the games, Now every British sportsman Can earn a hefty fee, Unless your game is tennis, You're not worth 50p! (Cricket Commenter) What a marvelous delivery, 10,000 Rands to Gatting, He doesn't know much about Apartheid, And he doesn't know much about betting. (F.W De Klerk) Welcome to South Africa, Feel free to look about, If you've any questions, Then just give us a shout. (South African police officer) A lot of blacks play cricket, Of that there is no doubt, ("Pik" Botha) Mandela's at the wicket, He's twenty six not out. (All) We're breaking down Apartheid, We're all the best of friends, So come and join the party, We hope it never ends. (De Klerk and "Pik" Botha) We've just been re elected, So thanks for your support, (All) And here's to what we always say, Keep politics out of sport! ====================================================================================== Da Do Run Ron (The Crystals -- Da Doo Ron Ron) ====================================================================================== (Ronald Reagan) My fellow Americans, people of the world, I give you... Nancy! (Nancy Reagan and Chorus) His name is Ronald Reagan and he’s quite a guy! [Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] You gotta re-elect him and we’ll tell ya why! [Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] [Yeah!] He can really act! [Yeah!] He’s lowered Income Tax! [Yeah!] He hates the Warsaw Pact! [Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] No one can accuse him of being over the hill! [Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] But when he went out jogging his heart stood still! [Da don’t run run Ron, da don’t run Ron!] [Yeah!] He’s wild and free! [Yeah!] He’s seventy-three! [Yeah!] He’s just run into a tree! [Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] [Oooooh! Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] He went into Grenada with his head held high! [Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] The only trouble is he can’t remember why! [Da do run run Ron, da do run Ron!] (Gary Hart and Chorus) [Yeah!] He ought-a stay in bed! [Yeah!] He’s so nearly dead! [Yeah!] (Ronald Reagan and Soviet Chorus) Yeah, but better dead than Red! [Da da run run Ron, da da run Ron!] [Da da run run Ron, da da run Ron!] [Da da!] ====================================================================================== Deck of cards ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Essex is Crap ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Every Bomb You Make ====================================================================================== Every bomb you make, (Ronald Reagan) And every job you take, (Margaret Thatcher) Every heart you break, (Arthur Scargill and Ian MacGregor) Every Irish wake, (Ian Paisley) I’ll be watching you… Every wall you build, (Konstantin Chernenko) And everyone you've killed, (Robert Mugabe) Every grave you've filled, (Fidel Castro) All the blood you've spilled, (Colonel Gadaffi) I’ll be watching you… Oh, can't you see? (Erich Honecker) You belong to me. (Idi Amin) There’ll be a bill to pay, (Leonid Brezhnev) On that judgement day... (Adolf Hitler) For every empty plate, (Indira Gandhi) And every word of hate, (Ruhollah Khomaini) Those who subjugate, (P.W. Botha) Those who violate, (Konstantin Chernenko) I’ll be watching you… (Death) ====================================================================================== Every Silver Lining Has A Cloud ====================================================================================== When things are looking rosy and you’re feeling fine, The skies are blue and it’s sunshine time, Don’t forget who’s lurking just outside the door: It’s Famine! Death! Plague! And War! Mister Happiness is coming round to tea, The birds are singing in the tree, Don’t forget who’s waiting there just off-stage: It’s War! Famine! Death! And Plague! 'Cause every silver lining has a cloud! And it won’t be alright on the night! There’s nothing at the end of the rainbow! And there’s a tunnel at the end of the light! When things are looking really incredibly bad, Your manically depressed and (Ha!) kind of sad, Don’t forget we haven’t even started yet: We’re War! Famine! Plague! And Death! 'Cause un-happy times are here again! The grass is greener on the other side! Your ship isn't ever coming in! And where there’s a will; someone’s died! When good old Uncle Jollity is out-of-town, You’re feeling blue and you’re wearing a frown, Don’t forget there’s even nastier things a-comin': There’s Plague! War! Death! And Famine! 'Cause every silver lining has a cloud! And it won’t be alright on the night! There’s nothing at the end of the rainbow! And there’s a tunnel at the end of the light! 'Cause every silver lining has a cloud! (Oh!) And it won’t be alright on the night! There’s nothing at the end of the rainbow! And there’s a tunnel at the end of the light! 'Cause every silver lining has a cloud! (It does!) And it won’t be alright on the night! (Oh no!) There’s nothing at the end of the rainbow… ====================================================================================== Food, Dangerous Food (Lionel Bart -- "Food, Glorious Food") ====================================================================================== (Tory Farmer) (Please sir, can I have some more?) (Kenneth Clarke) (MORE?!? What have you done to deserve it?) (Tory Farmer) (Nothing…) (Kenneth Clarke) (Oh, fair enough! Have a portion of decay! Next!) (Announcer) (Everyone onstage for the "Food" number! Keep it down! Shush!) (Edwina Currie and Chorus) Food, dangerous food! No chicken and omelette! You’re soon in the mood, For diarrhoea and gut-rot! TV dinners with (?), Mayonnaise is a killer! Egg sarnies from god-knows where, Smell that salmonella! Food, dangerous food! Make sure that you boil it! One morsel half-chewed means Four days on the toilet! Radiation in British land, Aluminium in water! Tory farmers don’t give a damn, Carry on with the slaughter! Food, dangerous food, Can prove quite alarming! You’ll get yourself sued, Blaming battery farming! Food poisoning’s terribly rare, This tastes so healthy! So let’s all forget the scare, And keep ourselves wealthy! Yes, food, dangerous food! Life-giving food! Sickening food! Wonderful food! Bowel-moving food! Glorious food! ====================================================================================== Football Cliche Song ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Go Now! ====================================================================================== (Roy Hattersley) Mr. Speaker, Mr. Speaker! I suggest that the Honourable Lady opposite follows the example of most of her able Cabinet Ministers, and resigns! (Margaret Thatcher) Mr. Speaker, I still have the support of my Party! (Uh…) Haven’t I? (Um…) Haven’t I? (Uh, well…) Haven’t I?!? (Uh… Um…) (Michael Heseltine) Oh... We've already sai-d-d-d-d… Good-b-y-e-e! (No… No…) Since you've got to go, oh you’d better go now! (David Waddington, John Major and Douglas Hurd) Go now! Go now! Go now! (Colin Moynihan) Before you make me cry! (Cecil Parkinson) Mmm-mmm! I want you to tell me, Tell me what just what you intend to do now! Ohhhh! Ohhh, how many times do I have to tell you, darlin', darlin', I’m still in love with you now? Who-o-o-a-a! (Nigel Lawson) We've already said… (All) So lo-o-o-o-ong! (Cecil Parkinson) I don’t wanna see you goooo…! (Edward Heath) But you’d better go now! (Ooooo!) (Queen Elizabeth II) Don’t you even try – Telling me that you really want to see it end this way, now! (Neil Kinnock) Can’t you see, can’t you see I want you to stay?!? (The Speaker) We’d all like to say… (All) Good-b-y-e-e-e! We all want to see you go – So will you go now? Go now! Go now! Go now! We don’t want you to stay! (Instrumental) Ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-ooooo… Since you’ve gotta go, you’d better go now… (Instrumental) Ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-ooooo… Since you’ve gotta go, you’d better go now… (Winston Churchill) Hmmm… This… isn’t very topical… ====================================================================================== Granthem Anthem ====================================================================================== (Margaret Thatcher) In the face of all adversity, the Armani university, The far-right infiltration, or the rest of it. When I feel like shouting "stop!", I recall my father’s shop, In the days when, goodness me, you made the best of it! When people ask about the jewel key, the refund from the EEC, The Unions and why I want to ban them! However critical they are, I have my guiding star, One guiding principle I call the Grantham Anthem! (Thatcher and Tory Chorus) The bottles of bleach cost thirty pence each, and duraglit' is 46p, And the family size individual fruit pies are a bargain at one twenty-three! The grissini sticks cost twenty-six, and shoelaces twenty the pair, But its seventy-two for the lemon shampoo for greasy or difficult hair! I will sing the Grantham Anthem, which I learnt at my father’s knee, As I helped him in his corner shop in Nazareth, Galilee! Its still twenty-six for the gravy gran mix, and forty for extract of malt, But the low-calorie spread is now eighteen instead of nineteen, that’s the same as the salt! (Thatcher) I sang the Grantham Anthem while I made the Universe! (Tory Chorus) (Have we gone completely barmy? Just look at the price of salami!) (Gospel Chorus) She sings the Grantham Anthem and she made the Universe! ====================================================================================== Green Fever ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Haven't You Heard This Song Before? ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Heavy Metal Song ====================================================================================== I'm the seventh son of Satan but the devil threw me out He said I was too evil when he heard me scream and shout So I joined a heavy metal band and stormed the gates of hell We signed a pact with Lucifer, he promised not to tell... That we really come from Sheffield and our average age is over 35 He's Thor the Mighty Ramrod, but when he's with his mum, she calls him Clive I've seen a naked woman - She was his sister, he was five Now the Pentecostal Priestess was down upon her knees She was lookin' at my love gun, I heard her saying "please" Gonna tie you up in chains, babe, and whip you 'til you pout He's always fancied Sharon, but he's scared to ask her out Because we really come from Sheffield and in fact he's only five foot three He always phones the neighbours when he thinks we might be on TV I take a lot of drugs - They're for his asthma allergy "Where's the catarrh solo?" ====================================================================================== Hello, You Must Be Going ====================================================================================== As you told me you were leaving I didn't ask what I did wrong But there's no time to question why I've got an idea for a song I'm so lonely, life's not fair I've lost my wife, I've lost my hair As you packed your toothbrush in your bag At once my spine began to tingle As you shoved the doorkeys up my nose I thought "here comes another single" I'm so lonely, fame is just a myth I've lost my wife, and I look like Mel Smith As you poured the petrol on my drums I knew that things were getting worse As you struck the match and threw it on I thought "that'll make another verse" (drum solo) I'm so lonely, I feel so boxed in I've lost my wife, and I look like Bob Hoskins Now there's a new lady in my life My days of misery are gone Hang on, she's heading for the door I feel a song is coming on I'm so so lonely, goodbye, farewell, ta-ta She took my heart, 'cuz I look like Eddie Shah So lonely... ====================================================================================== I Cocked It Up Again! ====================================================================================== (God) From pestilence to poverty, from suffering to strife, From earthquakes and Chernobyl, to locusts and "That's Life". There's such a lot of misery, around the world today, But to everyone who's blaming me, I've just one thing to say... Whoops! Sorry! I cocked it up again! Even God Almighty has an off-day now and then! Whoops! Sorry! I really must confess – I overslept this morning now the world is in a mess! (Angel) After all, He's only super-human! (God) I can't be everywhere at once! (Angels) He created Belgians and the food at "Happy Eater", And every crap presenter who's made it on "Blue Peter"! (God) I'm to blame for hurricanes and wiping dodo's out, But why is it that they're extinct and Beadle's still about? Oh whoops! Sorry! I cocked it up again! I let Richard Stilgoe live beyond the age of ten! Oh whoops! Sorry! I don't know what I've done – Why did I let Timmy Mallett get to Number One? (Angels) (Your Highness only knows!) Rottweilers and BSB and wallpaper from Fads, Ian Paisley, Swindon, snot and Maureen Lipman ads! Sarah Greene, Les Dennis and John Sessions on TV – (God) Hirondelle, Pot Noodles, dandruff – all of that was Me! (Tony Benn) I say, I say, I say! Did you hear about the six Irishmen who were locked up for something they didn't do? (God) Er... No, sorry! I must have missed that... (Ronnie Corbett) I say, I say, I said to the producers wife “Somebody made me appear in a sitcom...” (God) "Sorry..." (Ronnie Corbett) That was it! (Angels) Why is it that deer are shot and politicians aren't? That dogs can lick their genitals and human beings can't? (God) I'm to blame to everything disastrous that you see! I even made Paul Daniels... (Satan) No actually, it was me! (God) Thank God for that! (God and Chorus) Whoops! Sorry! I cocked it up again! I only heard about it when I saw the News at Ten! Oh whoops! Sorry! Now I've reached the end – And suddenly I've realised that this bit doesn't rhyme... Oh dear... Whoops! Sorry! He cocked it up again! La la la la la la, la la la ooh la la! Whoops! Sorry! He cocked it up again! La la la la... Whoops! Sorry! ====================================================================================== I Should Be So Lucky ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== I'm Perfect (Michael Jackson -- Thriller) ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== I'm Queen ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== I've Never Met A Nice South African ====================================================================================== I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru, I've had sunshine in the arctic and a swim in Tinbuktu, I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yetti in Nepal, And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall, I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner - But I've never met a nice South African! No he's never met a nice South African, And that's not bloody surprising man! 'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant b***tards, Who hate black people! I once got served in Woolies aften less than four week's wait, I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late, I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool, I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school, I've met a normal merman, and a fairly modest German - But I've never met a nice South African! No he's never met a nice South African, And that's not bloody surprising man! 'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers, Who smell like baboons. I've had a close encounter of the twenty-second kind, That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind, I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings, I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings, I've seen a flying pig, in a quite convincing wig, But I've never met a nice South African! No he's never met a nice South African, And that's not bloody surprising man! 'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths, With no sense of humour. I've met the Loch Ness monster and he looks like Fred Astaire, At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire, I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies, I met a man in Katmandu who claimed to have two willies, I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle - And I've never met a nice South African. No he's never met a nice South African, And that's not bloody surprising man, Because we've never met one either! Except for Breyten Breytenbach, and he's emigrated to Paris. (farts) Yes he's quite a nice South African, And he's hardly ever killed anyone, And he's not smelly at all. That's why we put him prison! ====================================================================================== It Really Doesn't Matter! ====================================================================================== (Narrator) And now, the Red Rose Gilbert and Sullivan Society! (Neil Kinnock) My eyes are fully open to my awful situation, I'm increasingly unable to conceal my desperation, If you ask what I believe in I have simply no idea, Which is why I'm rather given to this verbal diarrhea. What I'd really like to do is go back home and have a cuppa, Cause I know that Missus Thatcher's gonna have me for her supper, As for economic policy I'm mad as any hatter, But I'll never be elected so it really doesn't matter! (Chorus) So it really doesn't matter, No it really doesn't matter, No it really doesn't matter, No it really doesn't matter! As for economic policy he's mad as any hatter, But he'll never be elected so it really doesn't matter matter matter matter matter matter... (Michael Foot) Diahorrea! (Neil Kinnock) I tread the road of socialism firmly down the middle, In the hope that I will die a very decent individdle, My philosophy of life is like the sound of one hand clapping, Though I try to find the content when I offer you the wrapping. I do not see the point of saying something controversial, When I'd rather get Hugh Hudson to direct a new commercial, I've been packaged and presented like a foaming glass of Guinness, And I'll say what I believe in when I've had a word with Glenys! (Chorus) When he's had a word with Glenys, When he's had a word with Glenys, When he's had a word with Glenys, When he's had a word with Glenys! He's been packaged and presented like a foaming glass of Guinness, And he'll say what he believes in when he's had a word with Glenys Glenys Glenys Glenys Glenys Glenys... (Michael Foot) Belgrano! (Neil Kinnock) The Labour Party lumbers me with complicated cases, Such as whether I intend to close down all those US bases, But then even my opponents all agree that I am charming, Which is quite the only sense in which you'll find that I'm disarming. And when I'm making speeches I am desperately praying, That there's somebody who'll tell me what on Earth it is I'm saying, My particularly rapid unintelligible patter, Isn't generally heard and if it is it doesn't matter! (Chorus) If it is it doesn't matter, If it is it doesn't matter, If it is it doesn't matter, If it is it doesn't matter! His particularly rapid unintelligible patter, Isn't generally heard and when it is it doesn't matter! His particularly rapid unintelligible patter, Isn't generally heard and when it is it doesn't matter matter matter matter matter matter! ====================================================================================== Jerusalem Hymn ====================================================================================== And did those feet in Ancient Times, Walk upon England’s lower class? And did our forefathers of old, Tell them to get up off their arse? And did they try and pass the blame, For all of their society’s ills? And now we’re just the same, only worse, We've closed the dark satanic mills. (Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!) Bring me Victorian values of old, Bring me inflation that is low. Bring me your cash, Oh! Business fold! But don’t bring me your tales of woe. I shall not turn from my great plan, No matter how insane it seems. Till we have built Jerusalem, And made it look like Milton Keynes! ====================================================================================== Just a Prince Who Can't Say No ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Keepin' On Rockin' ====================================================================================== (The Rolling Stones) We're getting ready to do some rock or roll shows I'm wearing make-up, and Keith has powdered his nose I still go crazy just like a rock star should, hey Pour me a Bovril, Jerry, mm that tastes good I'm just as sexy and it all gets too much The chicks go wild when I wiggle my crutch The times are a-changin', but the band's stood the test Noone can deny that the old songs are... old But what can an old fart do? Join a job retraining scheme? I may have no voice, still I got no choice But to keep on, keeping on Keeping on! Keeping on, keeping on, keeping on Keepin' on rockin' (Paul McCartney) I like to keep up with the new bands in the biz I've worked with Elvis Costello, whoever the hell he is I'm still gigging, the crowds haven't changed at all Wembley sold out, too bad! I'm at the Albert Hall (The Who) The Who are back playing the same old games Each night on stage, smash up our zimmerframes Inbetween solos we take a little nap And people try to put us down just because we're crap But what can an old fart do? Take an open university course? We don't play so hot, but it's all we got So we keep on, keeping on Keeping on! Keeping on, keeping on, keeping on Keepin' on rockin' (Cliff Richard) After all these years at the very top, my enthusiasm doesn't fade I am the Peter Pan of Pop, the little boy who never got laid I'm still loved by so many kids, my popularity's never fagged I'm old enough to be their dad, but I can't because I've never been shagged But what can an old fart do? Tinker about on an allotment all day? Though the music's died, all we're qualified for Is keeping on, keeping on Keeping on! Keeping on, keeping on, keeping on Keepin' on rocking' (ad-lib to fade) ====================================================================================== Kill An Estate Agent ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Land Of Confusion ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Last Night At The Yobs ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Mad (Michael Jackson -- Bad) ====================================================================================== (Voiceover) "Hi Michael, welcome home, Your monkey's in the fridge, your oven's in the dinner and your analyst called." (Gang member) Hey man how you doing? gimmie some skin! alright Michael! what's happening! Yeah! whoo! Alright! Hey, Hey! wait a minute! You ain't black! (Michael) Yes I am! (Gang member) No you ain't! (Michael) Yees I am!" (Gang member) But, if you're black, how come you're white?! (Michael) I'll tell ya! Sorry... Owe! I'm bigger than Bruce , Sexier than Madonna ! But people are saying, That my brain's a goner! I can outsing Prince, I can outdance Astaire ! But still people wonder, If I'm really all there ? Well' For a couple of years, I've been reclusive , But now the proof is quite conclusive! I'M MAD! (Mad !) MAD! (Mad!) Owe! I'm completely round the bend! Wow! I'M MAD! (Mad!) MAD! (Mad!) A hamster's my best friend! I'm off my head, I've lost my marbles, I live forever, in plastic bubbles ! (cough!) And as for the bits they cut off of me... They're now recording their own LP! (Chorus) He's mad, he's mad! Wow! (Michael) I got fruit-cake in the brain! (Chorus) I'm mad, (Mad!) Mad! (Mad!) (Michael) I make Reagan look quite sane! At the age of three, I made so much lolly! Wow! It's not surprising I've gone off my trolley! I live with puppets ! I'm off the rails! (Whoo Whoo!) I'm even barnier than the Prince of Wales ! (Michael) Who's mad?! (Chorus) Who's mad? (Michael) Who's mad?! (Chorus) Who's mad? (Michael) Who's mad?! (Surgeon) You are, Mr. Jackson. (Michael) Now I'm bad, (Bad) it's bad I guess you heard the news. I'm mad, (Bad!) I'm bad (Bad!) Cuss white men can't sing the blues... I'm bad, (mm-hmm) I'm mad, (Yes) and I'm sad, (mm-hmm) I'm not much good anymore... (Surgeon) Yes, jolly good, come along now Mr. Jackson. (Michael) Now I'm mad. (Surgeon) Yes, of course you are! (Michael) I'm Mickey Mouse! (Surgeon) Yes, you certainly do sound like him, don't you? mm-hmm-mm... Join me and my... ====================================================================================== Making Nice Curtains (Dire Straits -- Money For Nothing) ====================================================================================== Look at them yuppies, they're the ones who buy it Watch 'em playing our new CDs It ain't heaven, it's just sorta soothing Play it in the background at your dinner parties Our music goes with microwave ovens With Filofaxes and with old stripped pine It looks good with video recorders It looks good with Laura Ashley blinds Look at them yuppies, that's the way to sell it Watch them playing in their GTi's That ain't common, it's kinda classy It's Fergie's favourite and it's Lady Di's Our music goes with see-through watches With leather jackets and with arctic plants You can play it to your mom and dad You can even play it to your granny and aunts Look at them yuppies, listening to our records In all the wine bars and the chic bistros And when they go 'round for cocktails with their neighbours Guess what's playing on the stereos I want... I want my royalty I want my royalty With filofaxes! It looks good next to video recorders... It looks good with Laura Ashley blinds ====================================================================================== Meat ====================================================================================== Have you seen the bacon in the fridge compartment Next to the sausages Down the aisle by her side To her husband's knife and fork And that you had a lovely day Let me take you down Salsbury's joint of pork in supermarket city ====================================================================================== My God Is Bigger Than Your God ====================================================================================== (Reverend Billy Graham) My God is my special friend, He’ll guide me to my journey’s end. He’s in my every thought, My God really packs them in at Earl's Court, 'cos: (Congregation) Our God is bigger than your God! Our God is just in a different class! Our God’s bigger than your God! Our God would whoop your God’s ass! (Archbishop Robert Runcie) My God runs the entire globe, insists I wear this silly robe! (Pope John Paul II) My God says never take the pill! (IRA Terrorist) My God says that it’s fine to kill… (Reverend Ian Paisley) Oh, oh, oh! Our God’s bigger than your God! And I think our God is usually right! (Reverend Jesse Jackson) My God says love thy neighbour! (P.W. Botha) As long as thy neighbour is white! Get down! (Catholics) Our God’s a Roman Catholic God that’s why we’ve got a Polish Pope! (Rastafarians) Our God don’t do much at all, He’s too busy smokin’ dope! (Jews) Our God makes us cut our foreskins, pork we mustn’t cook! (Muslims) Our God says to be merciful, but you’re dead if you wrote this book! (Chief Constable James Anderton) And now, the Reverend Jim Bakker will lead us in prayer! (Reverend Jim Bakker) Lord! Can you hear me Lord? Are you there Lord? Give me a sign Lord if you’re looking down on this poor sinner! Okay, nearly there! Get your panties off! (Mary Whitehouse) My God says that love is sacred, so you mustn’t go on telly naked! Oh! (Neil Kinnock) I’m not sure, does my God exist? (Mikhail Gorbachev) If He does, I bet He’s an atheist! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Neil Kinnock) Oh! Bugger me! (Thatcher's Cabinet) Our God’s bigger than your God! (Hindus) No no, we refuse to believe that’s true! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Our God says the Cow is holy! (Thatcher's Cabinet) Well our Cow is holy too! (Margaret Thatcher) Mmm-hmm! (Reverend Billy Graham) Last time! (Congregation) Our God’s bigger than your God! Our God is gonna send you to Hell! Our God’s bigger than your God! Our God thinks your God’s all smell! (Ensemble) Our God’s bigger than your God, Nicer than your God, wahoooo! Our God’s brighter than your God! Exciting-er than your God, wahoooo! Our God’s fresher than your God, Cleaner than your God, wahoooo! Our God’s clapper than your God, More groovy than your God, wahoooo! Our God’s sweeter than your God, Sexier than your God, wahoooo! Our God’s tougher than your God, More superior than your God, wahoooo! (God) OH SHUT UP FOR GOD’S SAKE! SORRY, I HAVEN’T BEEN VERY WELL... ====================================================================================== Old Generation (The Who -- My Generation) ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Pinstripe Wizard ====================================================================================== (Announcer) Please welcome your Minister for Industry – Lord Young! (Lord Young) Ever since I've been Lord Young, I've played the silly arse. From Employment onto Industry, It’s all been total farce. You ain't seen nothing like it, I'm in the Lawson class! (Chorus) That toffed-up and bland git sure wears a big pinstripe! He’s a Pinstripe Wizard; he’s got to be a twit, The Pinstripe Wizard talks such complete bullshit! (Roy Hattersley) How does he get away with it? (Neil Kinnock) I dunno! (Roy Hattersley) What makes him so good? (Neil Kinnock) Bad, Roy! (Roy Hattersley) Yes, Neil! (Lord Young) Ain't never been elected, Never got a single vote. Not a single qualification, Never done a thing of note. When it comes to any talent, I'm afraid I've missed the boat! (Chorus) That toffed-up and bland git sure wears a big pinstripe! He’s a Pinstripe Wizard; he’s got to be a twit, The Pinstripe Wizard talks such complete bullshit! (Lord Young) Don’t hear of any problems, I'm deaf to people’s pleas. I never answer critics, Dumbness is my creed. Can’t see the crooks around me, I'm blind to city greed! (Chorus) That toffed-up and bland git sure wears a big pinstripe! He’s a Pinstripe Wizard; he’s got to be a twit, The Pinstripe Wizard talks such complete bullshit! (Lord Young) Sorry! ====================================================================================== Reviewing The Situation ====================================================================================== (Neil Kinnock) A man’s got to start, hasn’t he? Joking apart, Hattersley! I’m reviewing the situation, 'Cause I don’t know if I’m for it or against. Yes, I’m full of determination, But I’m worried, so I’m, like, sitting on defence! 'Cause if we go unilateral, The generals that matter’ll Say Britain is attackable, And we’ll become un-backable, So then we’ll drop our clarity, And lose our popularity… I think I’d better think it out again! (Labour Party Chorus) He’s reviewing… (Yes!) The situation… (Uh-huh!) And his policies are changing every day, (Ah!) After seeing… (Ah!) No transformation, (Ah!) He’s a loser, and a loser he will stay! (I should know!) All his policies are changeable, Infusibly arrangeable, Which doesn’t make him credible, So people who are fed up'll, Believe there’s no alternative, And then they’ll vote Conservative… (Ah...) We think you’d better think it out again! Hey! ====================================================================================== Santa Claus Is On The Dole (TV Version) ====================================================================================== (Singer) Snow is lying on the ground, And in the air the sleigh-bells sound, The frosty-patterned window pane, It's British summer-time again… (Horse) No it's not! It’s Christmas! (Singer) Yes, Christmas, and though children wait, For hoof-beats on the roof, But this year stockings won’t be filled, There’s been a mighty goof… Yes, this year there’s no peace on Earth, Nor food and gifts abundant, For Father Christmas has been sacked, And his Gnomes are all redundant… (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Oh, I'm UB40! My reindeer's have been sold for glue, You might as well be naughty! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Finis! Kaput! Its curtains! The magic sleigh’s been repossessed, The suit’s gone back to Burton's! My elfin helper’s topped himself, I've lost my little earner! The grotto rent’s three months behind, I’ll die of hypothermia! Oh! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) I’ve lost my money spinner! Real fairy cake, and Rudolph steak, Will be my Christmas Dinner! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Oh yes, I've been undercharging! Giving all the gifts for free destroyed my profit margin! Come on everybody! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Oh, I’m UB40! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) You might as well be naughty! Ha-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-ho! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Finis! Kaput! Its curtains! Ha! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) And the suit’s gone back to Burton's! Ho-ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas, everybody! Ho-ho-ho! ====================================================================================== Santa Claus Is On The Dole (Album Version) ====================================================================================== (Singer) Snow is lying on the ground, And in the air the sleigh-bells sound, The frosty-patterned window pane, It's British summer-time again… (Horse) No it's not! It’s Christmas! (Singer) Yes, Christmas, and though children wait, For hoof-beats on the roof, But this year stockings won’t be filled, There’s been a mighty goof… Yes, this year there’s no peace on Earth, Nor food and gifts abundant, For Father Christmas has been sacked, And his Gnomes are all redundant… (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Oh, I'm UB40! (Singer) His reindeer's have been sold for glue… (Santa Claus) You might as well be naughty! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Finis! Kaput! It's curtains! (Singer) The magic sleigh’s been repossessed… (Santa Claus) The suit’s gone back to Burton's! (Singer) His elfin helper’s topped himself… (Santa Claus) Oh, how will I survive? (Singer) The grotto rent’s three months behind… (Santa Claus) And my giro’s not arrived! (Singer) He’s too old to be re-employed… (Santa Claus) I've lost my little earner! (Singer) The igloo heating’s been cut off… (Santa Claus) I’ll die of hypothermia! Oh! Oh! Oh! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Singer) He’s lost his money spinner… (Santa Claus) Real fairy cake, and Rudolph steak, Will be my Christmas Dinner! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) And things don’t look too handsome… (Singer) His company is being probed by TV’s… (Santa Claus) ...Ester Rantzen! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, I'm UB40! Ha-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho! (Singer) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) So you might as well be naughty! Ho-ho-ho-ho! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Finis! Kaput! It's curtains! (Singer) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) The suit’s gone back to Burton's! (And it’s jolly cold!) (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Oh! But never-mind! Merry Christmas, everybody! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Happy Christmas, boys and girls! Ha-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Stop that, Rudolph! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Put that penguin down! No, not in the Christmas Tree! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Stupid reindeer! Why are you fairies in here? (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Haven’t you got a "gnome" to go to? (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Ha-ha-ha-ha! A “gnome” to go to! You get it? Ha-ha-ha! (Chorus) Santa Claus is on the dole! (Santa Claus) Easy there, Rudolph! ====================================================================================== Send In The Troops ====================================================================================== (Margaret Thatcher) Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair? Me with my troubles at home, You with yours there… (Leopoldo Galtieri) Send in the troops… Isn't it great? Don’t you agree? Nothing like mad little wars to gain unity? Send in the troops… (Margaret Thatcher) I’ll send them in too! (Together) Just when we were… losing control… Seeing our standing collapse in all of the polls… You marched right into this place, god-knows where… Up to that point, you didn't care… (Margaret Thatcher) Rejoice, rejoice! We rule the waves! A shame about all those young men in graves… Send in the troops… Now where are those troops? They’ll always be… there… ====================================================================================== Snooker Rap ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== Talk To The Liberals ====================================================================================== (David Owen) I used to talk to the Liberals, just imagine it, Chatting to a shrimp like David Steel! When I’ve been talking in Alliance, no one talks to giants, So I make sure that no one talks to me! No, I don’t talk to the Liberals or the Democrats, God-knows what they’re calling it today! They’re talking balderdash and babble; they’re such a bloody rabble, I just wish they’d shut up and go away! (David Steel) Away! (Paddy Ashdown) If I could talk to the Owenites, just imagine it, What a combination that would be! Instead of being different choices, we could speak with single voices, And call ourselves the SDSLP! …DS...PL… Well, something like that, anyway! I mean we don’t want to get carried away with the name! I mean the important thing is the policy! (Together) No I can’t talk to the Democrats/If I could talk to the Owenites! They’re a load of shites, clearly we’ve got nothing to discuss! So I’ll just talk to the (?), Laugh at the Cohenites, (?) Grunt, squeak and squawk at the (?)ites... And you… can laugh at us! This way! I am the leader! No, this way! No, I am in control! No, this way! No, this way! Thi...thi...thi..thi...thi...! ====================================================================================== The Charity Song ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== The Christmas Singles ====================================================================================== (Phil Collins) It's Christmas time but happiness is soon so far away Many awful things go on in this old world today But we can change it for the good if everyone stands tough Let's put an end to suffering it's time we said enough (enough) No more Christmas singles They're worse than any war if we hear Aled Jones again we'll throw up on the floor I'll warn you with no fluffing Cliff Richards will get stuffing No more Christmas singles anymore (Bing Crosby) I'm dreaming of a w-ARGH! (Paul McCartney) The same old records get revived when Santa comes to call (ooh!) (Julian Clary) If Christmas were abolished Roy Wood wouldn't work at all (Elvis) And even when the singer's cloaked his songs still play him away (thank you, mama!) If Jesus Christ were here tonight I'm sure that he would say: No more Christmas singles They make us so forlorn Why do they bring junk out on the day that he was born? They should be made unlawful 'cause they are absolutely awful! So, no more Christmas singles anymore (George Michael) Last Christmas – oow! (George H. Bush) Take every Christmas single (Mikhail Gorbachev) Take every record pack (John Major) Load them on to an aeroplane And drop them on Iraq! (Slade) So here it is – ooh! No more Christmas singles For the peace, goodwill and luck We're stating categorically They're clichéd and they suck We're not dancing to Jive Bunny and the Barron Knights aren't funny. Please, no more Christmas singles anymore No more Christmas singles They're like a bad disease Why don't we just put an end to Yoko's royalties? Perhaps we ought to mention there is one last extention: No more Christmas singles - (Santa Claus) After this! No more Christmas singles And nor more la la la! La la la la la la la, ... ====================================================================================== The Fat Song ====================================================================================== Robin Day: "Yes, that's a fascinating point but let's have another question please. The lady at the back with the sparkly thing on her head, come on." Queen Elizabeth II: "I've tried not to mention it: I thought it might be rude. I don't want my words to be personally construed But I must ask you, have you ever noticed that Everyone in the Cabinet is fat?" Robin Day: "Yes, you're absolutely right Geoffery Howe is and always has been a podge Leon Brittan's a man impossible to dodge In Number 11 Lawson's had to reinforce the floors Whitelaw goes through ceilings, he's far too fat for doors" Cabinet: "Fat, Fat, Fat. We're fatter than a cat If any cat was quite this fat The fact is he'd not be a cat He'd be an elephant! Or something like that Fat, Fat, Fat" Harold Macmillan: "Douglas-Home was thin, he's no longer there" Harold Wilson: "Heseltine's not bad, but he's got fat hair" Alec Douglas-Home: "What of Tebbit?" Harold Wilson: "The deep supporter cries" James Callaghan: "Yes it's true to say he's thin, but he tells fat lies" Cabinet: "She likes us Fat, Fat, Fat We're fatter than a cat If any cat was quite this fat The fact is he'd not be a cat He's be a whale! Or something like that Fat, Fat, Fat" Harold Macmillian: "Roy's pink and huge" Harold Wilson: "Jenkin is nicely plump" Alec Douglas-Home: "Fowler's a bit easy" James Callaghan: "But then he's such a chump!" Robin Day:"He'll soon join the thinnies, like Gilmore and Pym" Margaret Thatcher: "All of them sacked" Robin Day and Margaret Thatcher: "Just for being thin" Question Time Audience:(except the Queen) "She likes them Fat, Fat, Fat They're fatter than a cat" Cabinet: "If any cat was quite as fat He'd be a hippopotomous! Or something like that Fat, Fat, Fat" Cyril Smith: Just bloody take a look at that. A disgrace to the nation. Look at the state of them. What sort of example of that to set the nation? What they need is a bloody good diet. ====================================================================================== The Good Bit (Nirvana -- Smells Like Teen Spirit) ====================================================================================== American band You can't remember our name You know the ones you liked last month We're much the same From Seattle or somewhere You're not sure Boring, boring verse Boring, boring bore So dull and so drab You're sitting on the floor 'till we reach the part You're waiting for This is the good bit The only good bit The reason you bought it You only like this bit This is the good bit, the good bit, the good bit And now there's a quiet bit (lead singer talks to audience) Lead Singer: Yeah, sorry about this part this guys. We got to do these parts to make the good bits better. Guy in Red Hat: That's okay. Big Eared Character: When's the next good bit? Lead Singer: Oh let me see, uh, I think it's right about like now. Back to the good bit The only good bit The bit you can dance to And fall out stage to Get off with with the next tune The Good bit, the Good bit, (audience members chat while song still plays) Guy in Red Hat: This is the good bit, that's good. Punk: It's half past eleven. Big Eared Character: Feel like another band? Guy in Red Hat: Egh, I heard Solthic Mudbath is supposed to be good. Punk: Have you heard them? Guy In Red Hat: No. Punk: Are they from Seatlle? Big Eared Character: Yeah! Punk: Great, they're my favorite band! All: BLOODSHOT! Good Bit, Good Bit, Good Bit Good Bit, Good Bit, Good Bit Good Bit, Good Bit, Good Bit Good Bit, Good Bit Good Biiiiiiiiiiiit (Lead sticks out tongue and licks camera) ====================================================================================== The Invisible Man ====================================================================================== (Thomas King) I’m never in the papers, I’m never on TV. Although I’m in the Cabinet, You won’t have heard of me. Try guessing what my name is… (The Cabinet) (Oh good, a guessing game!) (Thomas King) T.K. are my initials… (The Cabinet) Um… Tony Kurtis! (Thomas King) No, no, no! No, Thomas King’s my moniker! (The Cabinet) (Doesn’t ring a bell!) (Thomas King) Employment’s my position! (The Cabinet) (Employment? Bloody hell! How do you keep it secret from the people and the press? And from your fellow Ministers, too?) (Thomas King) It’s easy! Can’t you guess…? I’m the Invisible Man! (The Cabinet) (I'm the In-vis-ib-le Man…) (Thomas King) Come up and see me if you can! (The Cabinet) (Doo-doo-doo!) (Thomas King) The jobless ask me if I care, Well here’s my answer - I’m not there! (Chorus) Like Arthur Daly’s missus, Like Eros Jimmy’s clean, (?) Like the missing Falklands logbook… (Thomas King) I never will be seen! I’m rare as Haley’s Comet… (The Cabinet) (Yes, we think we get the gist!) (Thomas King) A one-off you could call me… (Unemployed Men) (Yes! A quick one of the wrist!) (Thomas King) Like a British win at Wimbledon, Like a nun who likes a grind, Like a junkie with some furniture, I’m very hard to find! There’s just a big fat empty space, Underneath my hat, I’m rarer than a UFO… (Unemployed Men) (No UFO, you prat!) (Thomas King) I’m the Invisible Man! (The Cabinet) (He’s In-vis-ib-le Man…) (Thomas King) Do you want to hear my unemployment plan? I’m going to take the three-point-nine, And give them faces just… like… mine! ====================================================================================== The Ronnie Reagan Song ====================================================================================== (Ronald Reagan) The winds are blowing cold tonight, along the Kansas trail, The coyotes are howling, and there's varmints on my tail. But when I'm feeling lonesome, like I was just knee high, I sit me down beside the fire, alone beneath the sky: Just me, my old guitar, and God! (Chorus) Just him, his old guitar, and God! (Ronald Reagan) But life ain't quite so simple now, like what it was before, Well there's questions to be answered, there's strangers at the door. But when I'm feeling crowded, by those little men from Mars, I sit me down beside the fire, alone beneath the stars: Just me, my old guitar... (Nancy Reagan) Oh yoo-hoo! (Ronald Reagan) ...And Nancy! Heh-heh-heh! (Chorus) Just him! His old guitar! God! And Nancy! (Ronald Reagan) Abe Lincoln died of syphilis, and Jesus was a Jew, The say God isn't married, I pray that that's not true. But when the world's plum-crazy, I play a country tune, (Yee-Haa!) I sit me down beside the fire, alone beneath the moon: Just me, my old guitar... (President's Aides) Hah! (Ronald Reagan) And those turkeys! Heh-heh! (Chorus) Just him! His old guitar! God! Nancy! And the President's security, publicity, medical and catering team! (Ronald Reagan) I tried to do the best I could, I try to make a stand, Folks keep saying things to me I just don't understand. So when things get on top of me, and streets are full of cars, I sit me down beside the fire, alone beneath the stars: Just me, this old box! Heh! Oh, and Burke! (Chorus) Just him! His old guitar! God! Nancy! And the President's security, publicity, medical and catering team and the black briefcase that follows him around everywhere he goes so that he can launch a nuclear war! (Ronald Reagan) Oh, and I forgot the band! (Band) Woo-hoo! ====================================================================================== Walk On By ====================================================================================== (Sir Alistair Burnet) So, it's the end of an era, but let's not forget on of Mrs Thatcher's many achievements... (Singer) If you see me sleeping on the street, Nowhere to go, nothing to eat, Walk on by... Walk on by... Make believe, That you don't see the people That you leave Behind you, cause each time you see them – You just hurry by... Walk on by... (Don't... Stop...) Walk on by... (Don't... Stop...) Yes I know we're not a pretty sight, So if you see – shapes in the night – Walk on by... Walk on by... Turn away – And even though there's more of Us each day – You think its a shame but you never Stop to wonder why... Walk on by... (Don't... Stop...) Walk on by... (Don't... Stop...) Other people say it isn't true – But if I get hurt – what's it to you? Walk on by... Walk on by... Tell your lies – That's all that you've got left So shut your eyes. As long as we're always forgotten – You'll be home and dry... Walk on by... (Don't... Stop...) Walk on by... (Don't... Stop...) (Vocal Chorus) (Don't... Stop...) (Don't... Stop...) (Don't... Stop...) ====================================================================================== We All Hate Jeremy Beadle ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== We Got Beards (ZZ Top -- Legs) ====================================================================================== We got beards Beards like beavers We got hair Coming out of our chins We got beards Flowing like rivers We got beards Except for him We got beards We don't use razors We got growth Of the longer sorts We got beards We sure ain't shavers We got beards And we don't mean short So what else Can we say about us Apart from beards Which you know we've got Erm... hey, what about the beards? Hey yeah! We got beards Down to our trousers We got beards That's what we've got ...except for him ====================================================================================== We Wish We Were Black ====================================================================================== (Mick Hucknall) I fought my way up to the top With blood and sweat and tears But mainly it's down to my father (father) Holding back the shears I got all the money in the world There's nothing that I can't do But I would give it all away To make one dream come true... I wish I was black I'd pay any amount I wish I was black But a few freckles don't really count I don't wanna be a whinger But there's nothing fine about being ginger I wish I was born in a Mississipi shack And I wish I was black (Andrew Strong) I made it in "The Commitments" (in The Commitments) Still I'm only in my teens Singing "Huh!" and "Yow!" and "Mustang Sally" (Mustang Sally) I've got no idea what that means I got soul, right on baby But there's one thing that's troublin' (troublin' him) If God had meant me to sing this way What the hell am I doing in Dublin? We wish we were black That's what my voice fits Wish we were black 'Stead of white and pasty with zits We wear the right apparel And we nicked the music lock, stock and barrel But it's got no heart, it's just a knack How we wish we were black! (Lisa Stansfield) You gotta be true to your roots, hey hey That's what my momma done warned me, ee-ee-yeah But if I was true to my roots I'd be-ee A female George Formby "Turned out nice again!" We wish we were black Wish we'd paid our dues We wish we were black Got those old Eric Clapton blues Can't seem to get a break It's discrimination for being fake Our chances of ever being black are slim But at least we're blacker than him! ====================================================================================== We're Guilty! ====================================================================================== In all the years I've been a judge since Eighteen Sixty-Four; Such a gang of madmen I've never seen before! They're a menace to society, a rabid bag of pus, They make a mockery of the law... Who is this gang? It's us! We're guilty! We're called the Guilty Three! We stand accused of being crap and guilty is our plea! We're guilty! Any fool can see! Personally I'd lock us up and throw away the key! Constable, arrest this man and bang me up as well! Then make up our confessions and beat us in our cell! We're out of touch and out to lunch; Our brains have long retired! We're senile, old and dribble; I think we should be fired! They're guilty! They always get this wrong! We talk such utter drivel, that's why we sing this song! They're guilty! As welcome as their breath! Personally I'd string us up and sentence us to death! It's the only language we understand! They're guilty! As crap as crap can be! You've got more chance of justice from a cow with BSE! We're guilty! Sick and twisted in the head! We think we should be flayed alive... But we're already dead! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! ====================================================================================== We're Scared of Bob ====================================================================================== ====================================================================================== We're Wets ====================================================================================== (Backing singers) Can you guess who they are? We bet you haven't guessed so far (Pym) Shall we tell them? (Pym and Prior) Let's! We're wets, wets, wets (Backing singers) Swimming around underwater Trying to avoid the grocer's daughter Once in a while letting off a bit of back (Pym and Prior) And always getting our bottoms smacked (Backing singers) No matter how bad things get (All) We're wet, wet, wet (Pym) Me, I'm a wet and my name is Pym (Prior) Me, I'm a wet (Pym) But you won't have heard of him (Pym and Prior) Don't dare come out And speak what we oughta Just blow bubbles Underwater No matter how bloody awful things get Because we're wet, wet, wet Once in a while We stick up our hand Point out that things are not going as planned But we never risk our neck We're only fishy fellows and we're scared as heck (All) We're just drifting around under water Trying to avoid the grocer's daughter We used to be in the leader's pack Now we flip v-signs behind her back Doing sod-all as the sun of England sets Cos we're wet, wet, wets We're wet, wet, wets ====================================================================================== Who Will Buy? ====================================================================================== (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, in tonights performance, the "role" of Nigel Lawson will be flopping over the top of his trousers. And we're sorry, but we've had a bit of a disaster. The role of Nicholas Ridley... will still be played by Nicholas Ridley. Thank you... (Cecil Parkinson) Electricity! Lovely electricity! (Douglas Hurd) Telecom! British Telecom! Lots of lovely Telecom! (Nigel Lawson) Gas and oil! (But enough about me!) (Lord Young) Airways! Lovely safe airways! (Nicholas Ridley) Water! Sparkly, fresh, foamy British water! (Patrons) Oh, no thank you! No... (Margaret Thatcher) Who will buy this wonderful morning? Such a sky you never did see… Who will buy this wonderful morning? We’re selling morning PLC… (Investors) Oh! I will! Four hundred shares in morning please! Morning for me! Shut up! Morning! Morning! Morning! ====================================================================================== You Need Arms ====================================================================================== You need arms to maintain your deterrent, Lots of arms to keep peace with the Reds. Without arms there'd be no 'arms reductions' – That help us sleep soundly in our beds. You need arms to help a mad dictator, And to make damn sure there's no more Vietnam's. And that's why you may be sure that we need the threat of war – Otherwise there'd be no point in having arms! You need arms to stop a war from starting, Even arms they say they'll never use. You need arms to make a tidy profit – Every 'cruise' pays for another winter cruise! You need arms to sell to the highest bidder, Even if the hand that goes up is Saddam's. And though it may seem a crime, you need arms from time to time – To disarm those very people you sold arms! You need arms for industry and exports, And a government to say that that's alright. You need arms to fight for what you believe in – Though you'll never ever seem arms dealers fight! You need arms to kill a newborn baby, Oh, and we'll supply them to you with no qualms. For the moral of all this is – “arms will show that you mean business” – And our business is to fill the world with arms! ====================================================================================== RS 232 Interface Lead ======================================================================================