1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,399 ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,639 ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,879 ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,399 ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ 5 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,600 ♪ Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! ♪ 6 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,679 I'd like to apologise. 7 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:25,239 Last week, I said I had a meeting with Dominic Raab. 8 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,879 I didn't. I actually met with Boris Johnson. 9 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,719 I'm sorry about the confusion, I didn't mean to cause any offence, 10 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,799 but all Tories look the same to me. 11 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:39,600 Ugh! 12 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,039 A-ha. Yes. Bye, dear. 13 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,599 Right, I'm off to attend to some matters of state at Waitrose. 14 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,199 And then a quick Cabinet reshuffle. 15 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,319 'Cabinet reshuffle! Cabinet reshuffle!' 16 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,919 He's going to fire us all. 17 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,959 OK, Dom, this time, we're gonna learn some countries. 18 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:05,639 OK, you are... Mackle-donia? Macadamia! 19 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,439 Well, anyway, it's near Crete. 20 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,679 Ah, Crete's so great. 21 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,919 No, Dom! Concentrate! 22 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,639 Oh, damn it, I'm gonna get sacked for being too popular! 23 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,159 Then make yourself hated, like me. 24 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,719 With this face? 25 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:24,199 - ♪ Rishi-i-i-i... ♪ ♪ Eat out to help out. ♪ 26 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,564 Stop! Look, if we want to stay in the Cabinet, 27 00:01:26,599 --> 00:01:28,759 we should act like proper Conservatives. 28 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,519 You mean... brief against each other?! 29 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,319 - He's totally incompetent... - Massive egg-head... 30 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,559 ♪ Rishi-i-i... ♪ 31 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,079 Righto, everybody, back to business. 32 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,039 I've finished reshuffling my cabinet. 33 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,079 What? 34 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,759 My drinks cabinet. 35 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,359 From dark and peaty, all the way to pink and jammy. 36 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,999 Which is what you're going to look like after I've reshuffled you. 37 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,359 What?! 38 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:56,959 You can't move me! 39 00:01:56,960 --> 00:02:00,160 - Is there no justice?! - Hmm... 40 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,359 Ah, William! Wasn't it super about the tennis? 41 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,399 I'm just writing a note to Emma Raducanu. 42 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,359 Don't forget you're the Queen of Canada too, Grandmama. 43 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,719 You'll have to commiserate with Leylah Fernandez. 44 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,847 Of course. I take my duties as Queen of the Commonwealth 45 00:02:17,848 --> 00:02:19,924 - very seriously indeed. - Excellent. 46 00:02:19,959 --> 00:02:21,479 So, what have you written to Emma? 47 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:26,159 "Dear Emma. Jolly well done on beating that dreadful Canadian. 48 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,119 "God, I hate Canada. 49 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,479 "Freezing bloody cold the whole time and full of mooses 50 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:35,119 "and stupid bloody Mounties wearing ridiculous hats. 51 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,039 "Half the bloody country speak French. What's that all about? 52 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,479 "But I digress. 53 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,239 "Well done again on your splendid victory 54 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,319 "and, in conclusion, I hope I never have to go to Canada again." 55 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,039 Hmm. And what are you going to say to Leylah? 56 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:54,320 How about, "Well played. Now fuck off back to Moose-Land."? 57 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,999 Mr President, welcome to our secret UFO facility. 58 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,559 But I thought the big report said there was nothing 59 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,319 to that malarkey about Area 51. 60 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,639 There isn't, sir. This is Area 52. 61 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,359 - Ooh! - I should warn you. 62 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,719 You're about to see an object 63 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,399 that will cause you to rethink our place in the universe 64 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,439 and shudder for the fate of humanity. 65 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,439 A haemorrhoid suppository that actually works? 66 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:23,599 Hot damn! 67 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:27,880 - No, sir. An alien spacecraft! - Ooh! 68 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,839 Whoa! Looks like a suppository. 69 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,200 It's not. 70 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,039 So, how does this alien spaceship work? 71 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:44,079 All we know is that these aliens have design taste 72 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,439 far beyond even our most advanced gay couples. 73 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:52,039 Well, my dad sold cars. Inside, they're all the same. 74 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,720 Now, what does this yankamajigger do? 75 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,599 My God, you've activated it! 76 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,799 I'm detecting an incredibly advanced fusion drive signature. 77 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:06,039 I'll tell you what's advanced. The lumbar support on this sofa. 78 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,719 Who has activated the master lounge pod viewer 79 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,559 in our long lost spacecraft? 80 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,999 Hey, it's me, Joe from Scranton, US of A, Planet Earth. 81 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,359 Say, how about you get your ass down here so we can chew the fat? 82 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,759 We do not risk our asses on inter-dimensional travel. 83 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,239 We leave them at home. 84 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,599 Expect our arrival in five glip-glerps. 85 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,119 Make it six glip-glerps. I need to take a nap. 86 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,759 Now, does this thing have auto-massage? 87 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:34,160 Yeah! 88 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:39,040 Wow, even we didn't know it did that. 89 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,039 See you, Donkey! 90 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,679 Alec! I thought we changed the locks? 91 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:45,879 I bit through them. 92 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,959 As the true voice of Scottish independence, 93 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,439 I'm here to tell you time's up. 94 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,039 But I'm loved by the Scottish people! 95 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,839 See? More fan mail! 96 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,879 Er... maybe I have had a good run. 97 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,359 But who could be my successor? 98 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,319 What about me? I'm not just a pretty face. 99 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,359 Who wants a sleepy cuddle? 100 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,883 - Hnh! - Och! 101 00:05:07,918 --> 00:05:10,239 No, I want to hand over to a female. 102 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,799 Thanks to your legislation, I can now self-identify as a woman. 103 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,839 Er... well, I think we need someone younger. 104 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,159 I look peng, G! 105 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,599 OK, I'll be honest. We need someone Scottish 106 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,199 who can tell appalling lies with a straight face. 107 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,959 My ears are burning! 108 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,959 - Not you! - Argh! 109 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:32,199 No. Our candidate has to be able to handle being in hot water, 110 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,999 a thick skin, and be Scottish through and through... 111 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,399 Sounds like you need a haggis! 112 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,079 I think you'll find that, unlike that guy, 113 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,679 I'm a far more palatable bag of guts. 114 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,160 Hmm... 115 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,559 Oh, don't do that. Argh! 116 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,919 Alec! You've sabotaged independence again by eating our new leader! 117 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,839 President Biden, we came here to meet humanity. 118 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,279 Is this your supreme planetary congress? 119 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,879 If you wanna meet Sammy Six-Pack and Sarah Side Salad, 120 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,719 you go to a local eatery. 121 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,719 Joe-creature, we wish to offer you 122 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,399 the blessings of our advanced civilisation. 123 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:16,559 - What can you offer in exchange? - Um, we got... 124 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,639 Hmm. Amtrak. 125 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,919 Uh... sand. 126 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,119 Three Dakotas... North, South, and Fanning. 127 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,959 - Hard pass. - If you have nothing to offer us, 128 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,879 we will take our technology to Planet Dagon. 129 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,399 - Well, as long as it ain't China. - They've already stolen it. 130 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,639 All right, let's split up the bill. 131 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:40,639 Which one of you daredevils chowed down 50 triple-battered taco locos? 132 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,079 It was Zolaprax the All-Eating. 133 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,639 Oh, buddy, you're gonna be a little gassy tonight. 134 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,919 I already am. 135 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,999 Piers Morgan here. 136 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:56,039 I want to join Britain in congratulating Emma Raducanu... 137 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,439 for listening to me! 138 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,759 When she threw in the towel at Wimbledon, like a snowflake, 139 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,039 I said to her, "Loser! Toughen up!" 140 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,239 Which is exactly what she did at the US Open. 141 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,079 So her victory is all thanks to me, Piers Morgan. 142 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,839 British tennis, you are welcome! 143 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,399 Ooh! 144 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,759 Still, advantage Morgan. 145 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,039 OK, folks, my space buddies and I have a deal 146 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,599 to solve all the world's problems. 147 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,719 All we need is a buy-in from Congresswomen Pelosi 148 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:38,007 and AOC on the left, and Senator Mitch McConnell on the right. 149 00:07:38,072 --> 00:07:41,039 Let's hear what these aliens have to say. 150 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,239 Excuse me, it's inappropriate to call them aliens. 151 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,919 I suggest "Pre-Documented Non-Terrestrial Dream-Creatures." 152 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,959 We bring you the technology to cure all disease. 153 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:56,359 That sounds like free universal health care! Socialism! 154 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,599 We know how to eliminate economic inequities 155 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,879 and racial disharmony. 156 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,039 Then we'll have nothing to run on! 157 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,999 We can end your climate crisis with clean energy. 158 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:11,079 - That'd be a Democrat win. - With our advanced civilisation, 159 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,719 you won't need Democrats or Republicans. 160 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,199 Or government at all. 161 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,039 No government? Are you crazy? 162 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:22,599 - Ugh! It just gets worse and worse. - This planet is ridiculous. 163 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,079 We will find someone else who can negotiate a deal. 164 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:29,839 - Activate matter transporter! - By which we mean walking. 165 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,599 That was a close call. 166 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,960 We almost solved the country's problems. 167 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,799 Oh, hi, it's me, Rudy Giuliani. 168 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,519 Thanks for paying 400 bucks to do this Cameo call, 169 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,559 so I can... 170 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,919 ..wish happy birthday to your mom. 171 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,639 You know, I was Mayor of New York on September 11th. 172 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,639 In fact, Queen Elizabeth once told me... 173 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,919 "Oh, Mayor Rudy, you're so strong and handsome. 174 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,359 "I dub you Sir Sexy of Awesome. 175 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:08,159 "I love your dark, youthful hair. Ooh!" 176 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,840 Whoa, that got me hot. 177 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,480 Anyway, happy birthday to, uh... 178 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,565 Oh, Jesus, I can't read this. 179 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,439 All right, I need that 400 bucks yesterday! 180 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,079 And I'm not disbarred! 181 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,879 Uh-oh, that's my butt phone, I better take this. 182 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,919 So, I'll pick you up later, Greta, yeah? 183 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,759 And we can watch Ross Kemp's Ultimate Bastards on BritBox. 184 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,114 But, Lee, I'm going to university now, 185 00:09:40,149 --> 00:09:42,536 so I'm breaking up with you. 186 00:09:42,571 --> 00:09:45,639 - And you're moving on too. - How's that, then? 187 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,319 Well, now you are doing plastering as well as roofing. 188 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:54,159 You are going from outside people's houses to inside their houses. 189 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,079 I suppose I'll be warmer. 190 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,999 And a bit nearer the kettle. 191 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,439 Besides, you'd be bored watching me giving inspiring speeches, 192 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,639 doing selfies and arguing over who used all the oat milk. 193 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,159 All right, Greta. I'll never forget you. 194 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,719 I've kept the sign we made for that climate change rally. 195 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,799 And I have kept the sign we made for West Ham versus Man U. 196 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,640 Yeah, it's a good one, that. 197 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,199 Madame Patel, let us come to an entente cordiale 198 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,359 about zese immigrants crossing ze Channel in zeir little boats. 199 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,719 I've got an entente for you, Macron, you garlic-stinkin' frog. 200 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:38,039 - You keep 'em. - You are unusually diplomatic today. 201 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,599 You should take zese immigrants. Zey seek a better life in Britain, 202 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,839 ze land of Shakespeare and Joe Wicks. 203 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,919 - Burpees! - Not now, Joe Wicks! 204 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,039 If you love migrants so much, why don't you keep 'em, 205 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,959 you horse-eatin' weirdo? 206 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:59,919 I know you have a softer side. Perhaps I could butter it. 207 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:05,159 Urgh! Put that thing away, you pantin' Parisian perv. 208 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,959 You tell 'im, darling. You've taken back control. 209 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,839 And by the way, Marcel, these are chips, not French fries! 210 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,839 And stop slagging off our British vaccines, 211 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,319 you granny-shagger! 212 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,159 Enough blather from your seaside cuisine! 213 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:24,799 Stop turning boats back, or zere will be an international incident! 214 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,460 Fine. The next person I send across 215 00:11:27,461 --> 00:11:28,960 the Channel won't be a migrant. 216 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,159 Ketchup! Ze enemy of fine cuisine! 217 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,000 Urgh! 218 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,599 - Yeah! Go on! - Get lost. Bugger off! 219 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,359 Yeah, back to Frogland! 220 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,213 _ 221 00:11:47,863 --> 00:11:51,213 Hi, I'm Josh, I'm captain of the lacrosse team. 222 00:11:51,248 --> 00:11:53,359 I am Greta... 223 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,679 ..the spokesperson for our generation. 224 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,839 Oh, I thought she was. 225 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,719 - Greta Thunberg. - Malala! 226 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,519 I think you'll find I am the spokesperson for our generation. 227 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,079 We don't need another, 228 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,679 particularly one who wears her hair in such kiddy pigtails. 229 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,239 Right, guys? 230 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,359 No! 231 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,879 I think you're forgetting something. 232 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,159 Greta won the 2019 Ambassador of Conscience Award. 233 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,639 Wow! Oh, wow! 234 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,919 Oh, no, I'm such a loser. I only got this... 235 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,599 ..Nobel Peace Prize. 236 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,559 You'll never win, Greta. 237 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,579 Come on, Greta, let's get you home. 238 00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:39,559 You can make me tea if you like. I quite fancy tofu and chips. 239 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:43,239 You're right, Lee, I should never have come away to uni. 240 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,799 I was so much happier 241 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,519 watching Danny Dyer's Ultimate Bollock-Kicks with you. 242 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,559 Sorry I'm late, everybods! 243 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,919 This is politics and economics, right? 244 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,279 Harry Styles?! 245 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,719 I want to get stuck into something really serious 246 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,896 after my gap career in One Direction. 247 00:12:58,931 --> 00:13:01,279 Maybe I will stay a little longer. 248 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,120 What?! 249 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,759 Donald Trump, you are the true leader of this country, 250 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:14,279 according to Rudy Giuliani and the My Pillow guy. 251 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:19,359 We offer you the chance to end homelessness, hunger, and war. 252 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,639 Boring! Talk to me about important problems. 253 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,279 Can you make a voting machine that always makes me the winner? 254 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,959 This is ridiculous. Let us return to our home world. 255 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:34,479 Yes, I long for its green rolling hills and abundant water views. 256 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,319 Sounds like the perfect place for a golf resort, 257 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,439 and I'd be a great ruler for your planet. 258 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,519 We could definitely use some tourist business. 259 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,879 Your Highness, you have bankrupted our planet 260 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,879 with the wall you've built around it. 261 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,719 Uh-oh! I'm gonna need a distraction. 262 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,439 Have you guys invented Twitter yet? 263 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,039 Yes, but you've been banned from it. 264 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:04,159 - Oh! - Bring me another space chalupa. 265 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,159 What did you think of my script, Elton? 266 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,999 You and me doing the garden, 267 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,839 you and me going to a school parents evening, 268 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,319 you and me separating the rubbish and taking it down 269 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,199 - to the recycling centre... - I hate it! 270 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,879 It's completely bloody boring! 271 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,679 But that's our life, that's what happened after Rocketman 1. 272 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,839 The second-act climax is me falling asleep in front of the telly! 273 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,719 Oh, that was so funny! 274 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,999 - You dribbled. - No, it wasn't. 275 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,279 It's not my fault I can't keep my mouth closed. 276 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,479 You know I suffer from fat tongue. 277 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,599 Oh, I love you and the life we have together... Blah, blah, blah. 278 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,519 It's just, if we're going to do a sequel, 279 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,839 we'll need to jazz it up for the audience. Just a bit! 280 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,919 - But it'll still have emotional truth? - Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. 281 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,399 Then we better go and do some research, jazz up our lives. 282 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,459 How about going to a party over at Megan Fox 283 00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,759 and Machine Gun Kelly's place? 284 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,645 Have you booked a cab? 285 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:03,319 Here at the CERN institute, 286 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,119 the Large Hadron Collider smashes protons together 287 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,079 at close to the speed of light 288 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,479 to find the very building blocks of life. 289 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:13,719 And here they are. 290 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,273 - Oh, hello. Gosh, only me. - Olivia Colman, 291 00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,999 what are you doing inside subatomic particles? 292 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,519 Oh, I'm in everything! 293 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:24,799 She's right, you know. 294 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,320 Absolutely everything. 295 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:33,759 What a fab night! I haven't had so much fun in ages. 296 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,639 It was horrible. All that loud music... 297 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,239 I liked the music, and Machine Gun was such a cutie. 298 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,979 No, he wasn't! When I asked him who his favourite 299 00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:45,839 Gardeners' World presenter is, he just walked off! 300 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:49,059 So, this morning, shall we look at houses near schools 301 00:15:49,060 --> 00:15:51,919 - with outstanding Ofsted ratings? - Now you're talking. 302 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,599 And we should check out those fabric swatches you had. Ooh! 303 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,959 Elton, I've been meaning to talk to you 304 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,839 about how to stack the dishwasher. 305 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,799 ♪ I'm still stacking Like the way I always did... ♪ 306 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,519 Mm, mm, mm... 307 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,799 Ooh, tricky. 308 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,119 I swear these IQ tests are getting harder. 309 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,599 Prime Minister, I ordered a monogrammed Taser three weeks ago, 310 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,789 - and it still hasn't come. - Hang on! 311 00:16:19,824 --> 00:16:21,759 And my toffee apples never arrived! 312 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,879 - The ones I brush my hair with. - Nothin' is being delivered 313 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:29,319 because Britain is short 100,000 truck drivers. 314 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,639 It's a right royal spiff-spaff. 315 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,559 I'll drive your damn truck. 316 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,959 I'll deliver your draught excluders to Grimsby, 317 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,166 your mild Cheddar to Wigan, and your IKEA Billy bookcases 318 00:16:39,201 --> 00:16:41,359 to every goddamn home in this country! 319 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,679 That's jolly good of you, Tom, but why? 320 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,559 Because of my best friend, Goose. 321 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,439 I was expecting a package and it wasn't delivered, 322 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,719 so I had to go to the post office to pick it up. 323 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:54,039 And while I was gone, Goose got ejected from a cockpit and killed. 324 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,719 I think that was actually a movie. 325 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,959 Damn it, I know when something's real! 326 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,799 I'm a Scientologist! 327 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,239 I got this! M6 to Coventry! 328 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,279 Nuneaton roundabout! 329 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,399 Left... Stay left! 330 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,800 I'm sorry, Goose! 331 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,439 Thank you for coming, Marcus. Isotonic energy drink? 332 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,959 - Red Wall... gives you left wings. - Thanks. 333 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,839 Oh, my Red Wall seems to have turned blue. 334 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,639 Anyway, our focus groups have suggested 335 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,879 that I have a tendency towards verbosity 336 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:43,039 that can render my communication unintentionally opaque. 337 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,679 You mean you talk too much? 338 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,959 That is not insubstantially incorrect. 339 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:51,119 Whereas you, Marcus, have a refreshing brevity, 340 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,599 a resplendent pithiness that I... 341 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,274 - Marcus? - Man on! Sorry. 342 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,714 So, I wonder if you would mind telling me how you 343 00:17:59,715 --> 00:18:03,119 would present a policy idea about tackling child hunger. 344 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,159 - Feed the hungry kids? - It's simple, it's clear, 345 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,839 it obeys the rules of Aristotelian oratory. 346 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,279 I'll try it! 347 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,559 And with the help of my friend Marcus Rashford here, 348 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,239 I present our new campaign. 349 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,279 ...to benefit their sustenance and growth... 350 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,759 Nailed, eh, Marcus? 351 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:36,813 Offside! 352 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,999 Look, Noah! 353 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,719 Our vintage, locally-sourced board game has arrived! 354 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:50,279 - Freshers, freshers, what is go on? - Who are you? 355 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:54,599 I'm Michael Gove, but you can call me the Minister of Sound. 356 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:01,519 - Sir, do you need medical help? - No, I'm bringing the good news. 357 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,599 We got rid of vaccine passports. 358 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,079 You don't need them to get into nightclubs any more. 359 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:09,399 - What's a nightclub? - What's a nightclub?! 360 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:13,159 It's a place for recently-single men to dance and find connections. 361 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,074 Yeah, I think we'll stay in and play a gender-neutral, 362 00:19:17,137 --> 00:19:20,959 non-competitive board game. Humane Mouse Trap! 363 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,640 Well, whatever young people do, I'm in. 364 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:29,599 Yay, we caught the mouse... as a team! 365 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,799 I thought Mouse Trap was slang for drugs. 366 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:40,519 Now, listen, I think apologising is the right thing for you to do, 367 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,079 given the circumstances. 368 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:46,119 Elements of the public are upset, and we have to be alive to that. 369 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:50,119 - Can't blame me, I'm just a football! - Yes, but you didn't go in the net, 370 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,239 and you've got to take responsibility for that. 371 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,519 I said sorry for missing a penalty, and the country's forgiven me. 372 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,599 Apart from a small misguided minority on Twitter 373 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:01,399 - who like to call me a big-nosed twat. - OK, OK, I'll apologise. 374 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,839 Good. You've got a shot at the World Cup, 375 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,759 you don't want to be cancelled. 376 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,359 But you'll have to write it for me. 377 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,479 - Er, why? - Haven't got any hands! 378 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,879 Glad to help. 379 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,679 Now, you need to apologise 380 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,959 for getting in the way of Rashford's penalty kick. 381 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,852 Oh, bugger off, you big-nosed twat! 382 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,279 Kia Ora, good people of New Zealand. 383 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,599 We have had another single case of the deadly COVID, 384 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,679 so Nanny has no choice but to impose a full lockdown. 385 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,239 But, Prime Minister Ardern, 386 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,719 New Zealand can't keep doing this forever! 387 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,799 You must learn to be strong, my child. 388 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:43,359 ♪ Close every border ♪ 389 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:47,599 ♪ Lock every door ♪ 390 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:53,159 ♪ Shut every airport ♪ 391 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:57,519 ♪ A guard on every shore ♪ 392 00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:02,879 ♪ No more interaction ♪ 393 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:07,479 ♪ Stay off the street ♪ 394 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:12,239 ♪ Hide inside your basement ♪ 395 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:16,879 ♪ Staring at your feet ♪ 396 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:23,119 ♪ New Zealand is going to stay COVID-free ♪ 397 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,519 ♪ And all because of ♪ 398 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:30,800 ♪ Wonderful, sensible me ♪ 399 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:37,839 ♪ If you get COVID ♪ 400 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:42,719 ♪ Into a bag you'll go ♪ 401 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:48,199 ♪ No-one gets in the country ♪ 402 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:55,200 ♪ Unless it's Jeff Bezos. ♪ 403 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,439 Good evening, I'm Prince Andrew. 404 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,039 The producers of Spitting Image have invited me 405 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,199 to address the so-called court case in New York. 406 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,119 I would have been perfectly happy to cooperate there, 407 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,679 but I was not served the papers in the correct legal fashion. 408 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,439 If protocol is not followed, 409 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,119 then the law says I have no charge to answer 410 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,239 and I should not be hit with a piece of wood.