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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:04,499
Oh, my God!

2
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:06,839
Tyson, did someone knock
you out in training?

3
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,519
Nah. I fell asleep watching
the Anthony Joshua fight.

4
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,520
Right, back to sleep.

5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,279
<i>♪ Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪</i>

6
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:20,539
<i>♪ Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah ♪</i>

7
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,219
<i>♪ Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪</i>

8
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,972
<i>♪ Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah ♪</i>

9
00:00:27,207 --> 00:00:30,639
<i>♪ Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! ♪</i>

10
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,479
Jess Phillips, I need your help.

11
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,919
I'm supposed to be the star
of the Labour Party Conference,

12
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,519
but Angela Rayner's
been getting all the attention.

13
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,999
Cos she shows
some bloody passion, Keir.

14
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,319
But she used the "S" word,
the one that rhymes with...

15
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,399
bum.

16
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,599
She got excited, and it worked.

17
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,079
Excited, eh?
And how does that come about?

18
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,799
You like football, right?
How do you feel when Arsenal score?

19
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:03,519
Content, on occasion.
Within certain parameters.

20
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,159
Oh, Diane Abbott's tits, bab!

21
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,639
You must have some emotion.

22
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,559
What did you do
on your wedding night?

23
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,039
It was quite something.

24
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,959
We wrote our thank you letters
all night.

25
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:17,359
Oh, I'm sick of you.
You bloody robot!

26
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,039
Don't you whack me,
you Brummie tart!

27
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That's it, bab!
There's your passion.

28
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,839
And so, by convening
the National Policy Forum

29
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,919
to report to the
National Executive Committee...

30
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Eat the rich!

31
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,479
The Conference
Arrangements Committee,

32
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,679
together with the
organisational sub-committee...

33
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,999
Fuck the Tories!

34
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,199
Being a celebrity
isn't all fancy hotels,

35
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,840
private jets
and crashing Friends reunions.

36
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,574
Sometimes it's just about being me.

37
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:08,439
<i>'Twat, by James Corden.'</i>

38
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,159
I now convene
this Select Committee

39
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to investigate the causes
of the petrol panic.

40
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:20,439
First to give evidence,
Barry and Susie from Maidenhead.

41
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,719
Um, why are we here?

42
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,919
Because you, along with
the rest of the idiot public,

43
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panicked about petrol
and now there's queues everywhere.

44
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,279
Explain yourself,
Susie from Maidenhead.

45
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,239
Everyone else was doing it.
I got worried.

46
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I mean, I might have to
go somewhere next week!

47
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,959
Where? Where might you go?

48
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,959
I don't know.
Just out for a pootle.

49
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,679
On weekends,
we might have a pub lunch.

50
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,679
Don't distract the Prime Minister
with talk of pub lunches!

51
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Ooh, would there be sausages?

52
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,319
- And mash, with onion gravy!
- Phwoar!

53
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The point is, your behaviour
has created a crisis

54
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where there was none.

55
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,999
Where was your needle
when you pulled into the station?

56
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,679
- About three-quarter full.
- There, we have the admission.

57
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Better to be safe than sorry.
I mean, what if something happened?

58
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,519
What? What might "happen"?

59
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,719
- I don't know, a petrol panic?
- One final question.

60
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Where did you purchase this petrol?

61
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The place just round the corner.

62
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,559
- I think we can go now.
- Pub lunch?

63
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,119
I'm going mad, Rashy.

64
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,159
I can't score a goal.
I keep missing.

65
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,039
That's just football,
you'll come good.

66
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,239
It's not just football, though.
I'm missing everything.

67
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I even missed the bus yesterday.

68
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Damn it!
That was an absolute sitter.

69
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I'm starting to see what you mean.

70
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,239
- Do you mind if I use your toilet?
- No.

71
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But I should warn you, I missed.

72
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Harry, the important thing is
you're in touch with your feelings.

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It's out in the open now.

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What a positive development
for your mental health.

75
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Oh, shut it, gaffer!

76
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You did it! You didn't miss!

77
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Ooh...

78
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:06,559
Meghan, this new Netflix show I'm
producing for you is gonna be huge.

79
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:10,159
- Tell Elton all about it.
- It's about a beautiful young swan,

80
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but no-one treats her
like the beautiful swan she is.

81
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Until season two,
when everyone apologises to her.

82
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So brilliant and inspiring.

83
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And we thought
you could write the theme song.

84
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Mm. Ha-ha.
I can hear it already!

85
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,679
Some Cs, some Gs, an F.

86
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Why not?! Make it spicy.

87
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,279
And luckily, one of our neighbours
in Santa Barbara

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- is a pretty famous lyricist.
- Bernie Taupin!

89
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- Tiny wanker!
- The bitch is back.

90
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We wrote dozens of hit songs
over 30 years,

91
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till it turned out
multi-platinum Bernie Taupin

92
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- wasn't good enough for The Lion King.
- Oh, not that again!

93
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,879
- Oh! Hakuna my tata!
- There's the old chemistry.

94
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,639
Anyway, the new show's theme song
should be about a tragic princess.

95
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,319
I thought it was about a swan.

96
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Well, what is a swan
if not a floating princess?

97
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You know what? I love it.

98
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- Which means I hate it. I'm out!
- Good! Who needs you?

99
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,519
Go write a song about yellow bricks
and crocodile rocks!

100
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,519
You just write songs
with Ks in them!

101
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What's the deal with K?
Are you paid by the K?

102
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,359
I'd like to see you write lyrics,
Captain Fat-tastic.

103
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Watch me, I'll write the whole
song with no Ks in it at all.

104
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,879
Actually, the swan's name
is Sweghan Swarkle.

105
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That's a good name. Damn!

106
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Greetings, fellow TikTok-ers!

107
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And especially
the people of Afghanistan.

108
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We created TikTok in China,
but it's for you.

109
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The Western nations
have given up on Afghanistan.

110
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But don't worry,
China is ready to step in and help,

111
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- and we expect nothing in return.
- Sir, good news.

112
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There are billions of dollars'
worth of reconstruction contracts

113
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- available from Kabul.
- Not now, Qian!

114
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I'm busy showing everyone a fun
new dance called the Kabul Kick.

115
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Qian, drop the beat!

116
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<i>♪ Put your hands in the air
And represent ♪</i>

117
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<i>♪ If you like the new
Afghani government ♪</i>

118
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<i>♪ Islamic fundamentalists
Are mighty fine ♪</i>

119
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,479
<i>♪ Especially when they own so many
Copper mines ♪</i>

120
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<i>♪ Get in a line and do the tiny ♪</i>

121
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,199
<i>♪ If you are cool with a patriarchy ♪</i>

122
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<i>♪ To make Muslim friends
We're eager ♪</i>

123
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,119
<i>♪ Just ask our homies, the Uighurs ♪</i>

124
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,559
<i>♪ Your natural resources
Are all we want ♪</i>

125
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,319
<i>♪ Democracy is for silly [BLEEP] ♪</i>

126
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<i>♪ So nod your heads
Because it's gonna be gravy ♪</i>

127
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<i>♪ And stay out of our seas
The US Navy. ♪</i>

128
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I hope you liked
your new dance, Afghanistan!

129
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,439
Actually, sir,
the Taliban just banned TikTok.

130
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That will change.

131
00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:01,719
I've called this meeting because
we are facing a national crisis.

132
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My KFC order hasn't arrived.

133
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,639
- Oh, no!
- Dear God!

134
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,159
Due to our precarious
petrol predicament,

135
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,599
Britain has literally
run out of chickens.

136
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,679
Could this have something
to do with Brexit?

137
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,679
- Can't be.
- Absolutely not. No!

138
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,919
This could be trouble.
England runs on chicken.

139
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I'll put the Army on standby.

140
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- I'll cancel my city break.
- No! Much as our nation has defeated

141
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,199
so many enemies in the past,

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we shall defeat this enemy
of no chicken.

143
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The proud people of Britain
will not give in to panic.

144
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- What do we want?
- Chicken thighs!

145
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,545
- When do we want them?
- Now!

146
00:07:41,580 --> 00:07:42,759
Those people are hungry.

147
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If we don't do something,
it'll be us on the menu.

148
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They've got garlic mayonnaise!

149
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I'm too young to be seasoned!

150
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,279
Did somebody order
a special relationship?

151
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,199
Hi, y'all.
Sorry we're late.

152
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,719
Mr President,
you've come to our aid

153
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,799
just when we thought
everything was clucked.

154
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,599
You can use this fella
to start a breeding programme,

155
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,999
and in five years, man,
you'll be self-sufficient in...

156
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,080
Tasty, but could do
with some hot sauce.

157
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:21,631
Ah! You have to admit,
Deliveroo are bloody quick.

158
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,359
Ma-ha. It's been more challenging
than I thought.

159
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,759
But I flew here from Venice
the moment I wrote the first line.

160
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:36,437
♪ Sweghan Swarkle
You'll go far-kle! ♪

161
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:41,119
It's great,
but farkle's not really a word.

162
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,559
Ha! Well, there's no words
that rhyme with Swarkle,

163
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,759
- that's not my fault.
- Sparkle?

164
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,239
Shut up, David!

165
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,359
The truth is,
I'm terrible at lyrics!

166
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,079
You should have heard my songs
before Bernie came along.

167
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,839
Rocket Man was Pocket Fan.

168
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,159
- Erm, what's a pocket fan?
- I don't know!

169
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,719
It fit with the melody.

170
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,719
Maybe you should just
go apologise to Bernie.

171
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,199
I'm sure he'd have you back.

172
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,879
That's how I feel about my enemy,
Kristen Stewart.

173
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,159
If she would just apologise
for being so irritatingly aloof

174
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,519
about her own fame.

175
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,119
It's like she has the fame,
but she doesn't want the fame.

176
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,719
I could never apologise to Bernie.
It'd be so humiliating.

177
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,319
- I'm sorry, we're sunk.
- I'll write the lyrics!

178
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,759
Oh, that's so sweet...
but words aren't your thing either.

179
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,999
Oi!
I 'ad done biz went to Eton, I does.

180
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,119
Besides, lyrics ain't about words.
It's poetry about love.

181
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,679
All you need is love.

182
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,599
Love, love is all you need.

183
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:41,399
- That's a great lyric, right there!
- Yes! The Beatles wrote it!

184
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,159
Maybe we'll just make it
instrumental.

185
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,719
No, I'm gonna do it.
I'll show all of you.

186
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,119
I just need a dictionary,
a fethaurus

187
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,439
and a book
what with all the words in it.

188
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,957
A dictionary?
I actually produce one.

189
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,319
Were you busy today, dear?

190
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,199
I'm Sajid Javid, the Health
Secretary for all of England

191
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,639
during a major health crisis.
So, no.

192
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,559
Well, we have a problem.
The dishwasher is broken.

193
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,799
We're just going to have
to learn to live with it.

194
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,119
We can't keep the kitchen on hold.
I need my tea.

195
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,519
But it's flooded the floor.

196
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,119
We can't cower
to the dishwasher, Laura!

197
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,119
Dad, I fell over in the shed
and some of it got stuck on me.

198
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,039
Let's look at the bigger picture.

199
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,879
Statistics show that young people
are in a relatively safe demographic.

200
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,719
No visit to the shed
comes with zero risk.

201
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,239
- So I should learn to live with it?
- Good boy!

202
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,679
And now look!

203
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,399
Well, it's a new challenge,
that's for sure,

204
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,681
but if we all pull together,
we can learn to live with it.

205
00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:40,039
I think it's going to eat you.

206
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,757
Which means we'll get
to herd immunity quicker.

207
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,479
- Daddy!
- No-o-o-o!

208
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,279
Oh, it's in my eye! Argh!

209
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,599
Do you know that your
dishwasher's broken?

210
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,839
<i>'The most watched forensic analysis
team in the world...'</i>

211
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,800
<i>'..is back for another season.'</i>

212
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,159
Deceased male, probable murder.

213
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,079
To be fair,
he's had an absolute shocker.

214
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,719
Micah, have you found anything?

215
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,719
There's something dead funny, Alex.
Look.

216
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,123
I can make my hand go big!

217
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:19,639
So, Alex, what do you think
went wrong tonight?

218
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,239
Well, for me, it's a bit of a mess,
to be honest, Gary.

219
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,639
The victim's a ruthless
billionaire football club owner

220
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,119
who's bled the place dry
running up massive debts,

221
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,599
to the detriment of the team.

222
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,439
With absolutely no regard
for the fans,

223
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,359
the club's history
or the good of the game?

224
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,519
What a twat.
Right, viewers?

225
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,759
As you can see, he's had
his mouth stuffed with chips,

226
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,519
and then he's been drowned in gravy.

227
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,799
So that tells me we've got to be
looking for an angry Man United fan.

228
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,879
So we're looking for
a prawn sandwich-eater

229
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,279
who comes from Surrey,

230
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,799
can't name any United players
since David Beckham

231
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,919
and has never set foot
inside Old Trafford.

232
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,279
Sorry, but for me,
that doesn't make any sense, Gary.

233
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:53,399
It was a joke, Alex.

234
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,399
- Oh.
- I'm the king of friendly banter.

235
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,999
Because of how likeable I am.
Right, viewers?

236
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,759
If only we could
bring dead man back to life.

237
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,239
Then he could tell us
who killed him.

238
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,519
- Life doesn't work like that, Micah.
- Aw, I'm sad now.

239
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,239
We need to establish
how long the victim's been dead.

240
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,679
I reckon less than five minutes.
These chips are still warm.

241
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,679
Are you eating chips
from a dead man's mouth?

242
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,839
- Only way to be sure.
- Well, we're out of time.

243
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:23,319
As usual,
we basically contributed nothing.

244
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,820
See you all at next week's murder.
Good night.

245
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,759
<i>'The evidence suggests that
llama antibodies could cure COVID.</i>

246
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,719
<i>'These woolly wonders are not only
lovely, they may also save mankind.'</i>

247
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:41,039
Fucking llamas. They think
they're special cos they got two Ls.

248
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,079
Huh. You know what else got two Ls?

249
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:47,359
- My balls!
- They're saving people, Mel, come on!

250
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,119
We could save people.

251
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,559
- We're medical miracles.
- It's true.

252
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,959
We live longer
than any other rodent.

253
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:58,759
- We're resistant to cancer.
- We won Vertebrate of the Year in 2013.

254
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,919
Oh! I won it this year.

255
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,759
- I win everything, you know.
- Ah, screw this! I'm offering

256
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,399
myself to science
in the service of humanity.

257
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,319
Well, be back in time for lunch.

258
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,359
It's your own faeces!

259
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,559
I did it, I wrote the lyrics.
In your face, Furnish.

260
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:20,799
- I was always on your side.
- Ha ha! Right, let's have a sing.

261
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,119
♪ Oh, help, it's me, Bernie ♪

262
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,759
♪ Harry lured me over
With the promise of Chablis ♪

263
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,159
♪ Then he locked the door
Until I wrote this song... ♪

264
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,439
- What the hell is this?!
- You locked up Bernie Taupin?

265
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,639
In our wine cellar.
Look, I had no choice!

266
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,440
You all said I couldn't do it, and
then it turned out I couldn't do it.

267
00:13:38,441 --> 00:13:41,001
I thought, if Bernie's locked up
for a day, who's gonna miss him?

268
00:13:41,025 --> 00:13:44,060
I'd miss him.
I'm busting him out.

269
00:13:44,061 --> 00:13:46,317
David, hand me my axe!

270
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,879
Ooh, and my big glasses.

271
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,280
I want to make an entrance.
Ma-ha!

272
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,879
Bernie and I
just want to say thank you.

273
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,319
You made us realise how much
we've missed collaborating.

274
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,639
And how addicted to Chablis I am.

275
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,919
So you wrote the song
about the inspiring young woman?

276
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,399
Well, we wrote a song
about an inspiring woman.

277
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,639
It's the title track for the
upcoming biopic of Angela Merkel.

278
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:16,999
- Got a great K sound, and it stars...
- Don't say it.

279
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,760
- Kristen Stewart!
- Oh!

280
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:28,839
♪ Angela Merkel come full circle ♪

281
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:33,520
♪ Hamburg girl in East Berlin ♪

282
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,919
<i>♪ Christian Democratic leader... ♪</i>

283
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,119
<i>'The Oscar for best song goes to...</i>

284
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,359
<i>'Elton John and Bernie Taupin
for Young Merkel!'</i>

285
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,080
<i>♪ Hold me closer
Tiny Chancellor... ♪</i>

286
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,279
My God, Mel, what happened?

287
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,519
- Those scientists, they sucked me dry!
- Your blood?

288
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,399
My sperm!
Those bastards jerked me off

289
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,277
- till my balls imploded.
- Oh, Mel!

290
00:15:06,312 --> 00:15:08,759
I ain't gonna be able
to have sex again...

291
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:12,039
- No!
- ..for five seconds.

292
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,839
Four, three, two, one.

293
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,559
- Here I come!
- Woo-hoo!

294
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,839
Ah! Oh!

295
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,119
Take that, science.
Nature always finds a way.

296
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,399
There, there.
I'm Jameela Jamil.

297
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,119
It's gonna be OK.
I'm a feminist.

298
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,479
But you're an actress. What are
you doing in a trauma centre?

299
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,599
Being mislabelled by you.

300
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:45,439
I'm an actress-host-
multi-hyphenate-founder of I Weigh.

301
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:46,799
I've come to work here

302
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:50,239
because I myself
have endured so much trauma.

303
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:54,479
I was trapped in a landslide.
I had to eat my own legs to escape.

304
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,119
The same thing happened to me,
metaphorically.

305
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,079
I was forced to come out as queer

306
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,159
to stop people
from tweeting mean things,

307
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,799
and that was like
eating my own heterosexuality.

308
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,159
But th-that's not really
the same thing. I...

309
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,799
Saying that is misogyny.

310
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,399
Let's see how you like body shaming!

311
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,559
Wait, how was I... Argh...

312
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,519
Patient needs 40 ccs of saline.
Stat!

313
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,079
Ugh. Here we go again
with the mansplaining.

314
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,719
Mansplaining?
But I'm a woman.

315
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,199
I'm sorry.

316
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,959
I was confused
because you don't have

317
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,199
symmetrical,
voluptuous breasts like I do.

318
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,639
- Argh!
- Hey, eyes up here!

319
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,599
Could we possibly
make this less about you

320
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,719
and more about defibrillating
this patient?

321
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,679
Sexist! You assume I'm a nurse
because I'm in a hospital

322
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,599
and dressed like a nurse.
You're worse than the media.

323
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,319
Did you know
I've been chased by bees?

324
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,879
Now he's dead. This is terrible!

325
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,359
I know. It's so triggering for me.

326
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,279
It reminds me of the Palestinians

327
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,080
and how I've internalised
their struggle.

328
00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,439
Help!
I've had a spike thrown through me!

329
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,919
Me too! I was metaphorically spiked
by a car driven by a swarm of bees.

330
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,639
- Who cares?
- Oh, I see. Rob me of my narrative.

331
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,479
Typical white patriarchal oppression!

332
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,079
Argh! Is that a bee?

333
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,880
Oh, that's lucky.
I've got something to tweet about...

334
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,319
Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock.

335
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,359
Here to tell you about
my great new show, Young Rock.

336
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,479
It's all about my life as a kid.

337
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:33,080
I had some big obstacles
to overcome. Take a look.

338
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,039
Young Rock, you have to choose

339
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,599
between every single girl
in the school to be your prom date.

340
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,919
- And every single boy.
- And all the teachers.

341
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,519
Whoa, that's a big obstacle.

342
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,319
But before I overcome it,

343
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,839
let's have a sip of
my Watermelon Whatamana Tequila.

344
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:55,339
It's delicious
and a great income stream for me.

345
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,959
Hey! I was in that scene.

346
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,239
Where was I?
 Why'd you cut me out?

347
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,239
- Sorry, Kevin Hart, but you tested badly.
- With who?

348
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,079
- Well, with me.
- You can't just cut me!

349
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,999
I don't wanna talk about it.
Uh, hey...

350
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,079
- Do I smell cheese?
- Cheese? Got some cheese?

351
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,519
Oh, baby, I love me some cheese!

352
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,439
Where the cheese at?
Where the cheese at?

353
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,919
Just over there, little guy.

354
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,239
Young Rock, streaming now, with me...

355
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,839
and not Kevin Hart.

356
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,479
I hate you, you big dumb Rock!

357
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,560
Yeah, well, you're the one
who got caught in a mousetrap!

358
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,639
Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.

359
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,799
Facebook has got a lot
of attention lately,

360
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,559
and I'm here to explain away

361
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,879
some of the really bad stuff
you might have heard.

362
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,399
First, it is not true that
our content moderation algorithm

363
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,479
is arbitrary and ineffective.

364
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,279
In fact, we do not use AI
to decide what gets blocked.

365
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,919
Watch this video recording

366
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,679
of a content control
committee meeting.

367
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,959
Facebook has also been accused

368
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,639
of favouring one political party
over another.

369
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,719
This video of our
partisanship review board

370
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,159
should put that rumour to rest.

371
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,759
My final point is this.

372
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,199
Facebook believes in transparency,

373
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,239
which is why, from now on,

374
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,919
I will be wearing
this invisibility cloak.

375
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,719
See?

376
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,799
<i>Elle est riche, belle...</i>

377
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,520
<i>et mysterieuse.</i>

378
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,039
<i>C'est a dire...</i>

379
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,639
<i>jusqu'a ce qu'elle ouvre sa bouche.</i>

380
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,479
What the fuck are you on about?

381
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,279
<i>Brassy.</i>

382
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,039
<i>The new fragrance by Adele.</i>

383
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,959
I released a perfume!
What am I like?

384
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,399
<i>'There once was
a brave little fellow</i>

385
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,199
<i>'who wanted to help everyone.</i>

386
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,559
<i>'But some nasty people
got hold of him.'</i>

387
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,959
Net?!

388
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,799
- Wh-What's going on?
- Sorry, old thing.

389
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,999
See, you've been spending
an awful lot of cash lately,

390
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,559
and now, well,
there have to be cuts.

391
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,559
But the Prime Minister and I
can't be the ones to do it.

392
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,599
Very unpopular to make cuts.

393
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,399
I'm afraid it has to be you,
old chap.

394
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,199
So we've made a few modifications.

395
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,639
Back to work, Rishi Scissorhands!

396
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,439
<i>'At first, everyone loved him.'</i>

397
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,919
Look, I'm cutting red tape!

398
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,519
<i>'And no-one seemed to mind</i>

399
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,679
<i>'that the red tape mountain
had actually got bigger.</i>

400
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,839
<i>'But then everyone hated him.'</i>

401
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,599
I'm sorry, kids.

402
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,079
I didn't want to cut your food!

403
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,119
But my scissor hands did!

404
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,399
<i>Save our NHS!
Save our NHS!</i>

405
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,439
Watch out for my hands!

406
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,668
No, no, please! Please don't!

407
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,759
<i>'The simple-minded townsfolk
didn't realise</i>

408
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,679
<i>'that the cuts
were for their own good.</i>

409
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,480
<i>'And in their ignorance,
drove him out of town.</i>

410
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,039
<i>'But he wasn't unhappy for long.</i>

411
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,959
<i>'Because his wife loved him.</i>

412
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:21,692
<i>'And also, he was a billionaire.'</i>

413
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:33,239
Finally, we open the tomb
of the great Pharaoh Intef.

414
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,640
What treasures lie within?

415
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,559
Oh, gosh! Only me. Hello!

416
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,399
What are you doing in a
4,000-year-old burial chamber?

417
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,599
I'm Olivia Colman.
I'm in everything.

418
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,599
Hello! Ah!

419
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,079
Oh. I'm shut in again, am I?

420
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,440
Gosh. See you! Ha!

421
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,999
Chancellor Merkel, after 16 years
of calm, careful, sober leadership,

422
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,759
are you planning to have
a little fun in your retirement?

423
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:00,999
Oh, yes.

424
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,479
I plan to continue with
my interests in quantum chemistry,

425
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,639
write a comprehensive
multi-volume autobiography,

426
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,999
und, of course,

427
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,839
help manage the transition
to ze new coalition.

428
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,399
Wonderful plans, Chancellor.

429
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,919
But first, I'm going to get
super vasted!

430
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,039
Techno, techno, techno!

431
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,640
- Want some ket?
- Ja!

432
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,840
<i>♪ Hold me closer, tiny Chancellor ♪</i>

433
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,880
<i>♪ Lovely leader, first fraulein ♪</i>

434
00:22:51,833 --> 00:22:56,840
<i>♪ Angela, you are our angel ♪</i>

435
00:22:57,998 --> 00:23:01,879
<i>♪ We will not forget you ♪</i>

436
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,800
<i>♪ Nein. ♪</i>

437
00:23:06,713 --> 00:23:10,752
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