1 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:03,959 Congratulations, Matt, 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:07,959 we're naming you United Nations Ambassador. 3 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,999 Really? Me? 4 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,479 Oh, this is the comeback I've been waiting for. 5 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:13,999 Back in the public eye. 6 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:17,400 I'm going to tell everybody, just everybody! 7 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:20,519 Wait, you're not tricking me? 8 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,279 - No, no. - We wouldn't do that. 9 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,640 Yay! 10 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,280 God, we're good. 11 00:00:29,820 --> 00:00:32,979 ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ 12 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,679 ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ 13 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,699 ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ 14 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,119 ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ 15 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,960 ♪ Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! ♪ 16 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,119 Ah-ah-ah-ah! 17 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,319 I'm the Foreign Secretary, 18 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,599 Chevening is my grace-and-favour mansion. 19 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,319 But I was there first, 20 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,959 and as Deputy Prime Minister, I vote my right to call dibs. 21 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,679 - Double dibs! - Double dibs, no returns! 22 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,519 Oh, sort it out for yourselves. 23 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,799 I didn't come into government to solve problems. 24 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,399 Vroom! 25 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,560 - Dom, let's be grown-up about this. - Yes, absolutely. 26 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,399 Perfect. Right, it's beer o'clock in Raab Town. 27 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,239 Yeah, well, the fridge is in Trussville. Dammit! 28 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,199 Why am I so terrible at geography? 29 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,559 - Can you at least pass me a beer? - Yes. 30 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:29,239 But before it crosses the border, 31 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,879 you'll have to fill out the customs declarations. 32 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,840 - Do you have a pen? - Yes. 33 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,399 - Uh, hello? - Hi, Emmanuel! 34 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,399 - Wait, you invited Macron, too? - Yes, we're going to drink white wine 35 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,359 and watch Married At First Sight Australia. 36 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,719 B-But we're going to watch Cobra Kai in the bro cave 37 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,199 and work on our topless grappling. 38 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,119 Come here. Grapple! Grapple! 39 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,039 No! He's my Frenchman. 40 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,879 Do not finger me like some kind of snail quiche. 41 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,599 I came here for a serious conversation about fishing rights. 42 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,119 Really? In that case, Liz, he's all yours. 43 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,039 - Er, no, no, you had him first. - No! 44 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,799 - Don't touch me. - While this bollocks goes on, 45 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,559 I'm being illegally fished by a load of Spaniards. 46 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,919 Anyway, see you all next week on Chevening Chums. 47 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,359 On a day of high drama, Harry, 48 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,319 you finally scored in the Premier League. 49 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,639 Yeah, no, it was a great goal, but a fan collapsed 50 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,959 in the stadium, and that's my main concern. 51 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,559 I guess some days, football takes a back seat? 52 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,679 Absolutely. I did well, though. 53 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:44,799 The keeper was coming out, side of the foot, silky! 54 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,159 But the main thing is the fan. 55 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,919 And the great news is he's gonna be just fine. 56 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:52,652 He is? Come on! What a goal! First in the Prem! 57 00:02:52,687 --> 00:02:54,880 Here you go, lads, here's the boot that did it. 58 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,839 You took out my eye, you prick! 59 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:02,280 Oh, bloody hell. But did you see my goal? 60 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,519 Faithful Catholics, it's me, Francis the Pope. 61 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,839 You've donated 15 euros, 62 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:16,679 so you've now got access to my private Only Fan-atics site. 63 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:24,839 But in here, you Fan-atics get access to my private practices. 64 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,959 God loves women... when they make babies. 65 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,879 But they're never going to be priests. 66 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,439 You know why? They got us kicked out of Eden! 67 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,359 Boom! That's what I really think. 68 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:41,310 And sure, I said gay and lesbians could get civil marriages, 69 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,839 but they don't make babies, so hell for them, too, 70 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,959 along with the people that make condoms. 71 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,519 The devil's gift-wrap. 72 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,839 Hm. 73 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,199 OK, that's all for today. 74 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,679 Remember, if you have been naughty, 75 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:59,159 try my exclusive Confession Session. 76 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:04,759 For just ten euros more, I'll forgive you all night long! 77 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,200 And help you pay your penance. 78 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,519 Bad Cardinal Marcello. 79 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,719 Bad! 80 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,759 Ooh, yeah! 81 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,999 It's really exciting to be presenting 82 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:20,219 - the first-ever Earthshot Prize. - Everything about tonight is green. 83 00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:22,279 Even our clothes are recycled. 84 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,999 Just the typical things people have around the house. 85 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,139 Or garden. These are feathers from a swan 86 00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,999 that was savaged by a corgi. 87 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,039 Tonight is all about spending money to protect the environment, 88 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,479 not wasting it on space rockets like Jeff Bezos and William Shatner. 89 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,199 But what of mankind's primal urge to reach out and explore, 90 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,559 to push back the frontiers of knowledge? 91 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,199 That is our essence. 92 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,159 Yes, but how do we make people wash out their bean tins 93 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,439 before they recycle them? 94 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,199 The technology we develop on our quest to the stars 95 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,599 will answer all your bean tin-related questions. 96 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,639 How can you not see this? You, a prince? 97 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,839 Why don't you pick on someone your own age, Shatner? 98 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,359 - It's really OK... - Oh, no, it isn't. 99 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,799 Come on, Shatner, you blathering space fuck! 100 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:08,919 A battle of champions? 101 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,199 If it'll stop more bloodshed, then so be it. 102 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,159 You're strong for an environmentalist. 103 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,620 Strong enough to kick your arse, Captain Berk. 104 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,559 Why do we fight like this? 105 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,919 In the end, aren't we all just celebrities 106 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,359 trying to get our face on the news? 107 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,139 You're right. We've let pride get 108 00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:44,279 - in the way of our personal brands. - To friendship. 109 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,359 And, yes, love. 110 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,239 - William Shatner? - Yes, Princess Kate? 111 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,159 I'm a member of the British royal family. 112 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,919 What is love? 113 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,999 - Let me show you. - Ooh! 114 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,039 Um, we need to go inside. 115 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,439 Greta Thunberg is singing Sweet Caroline. Kate? 116 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,079 Um, Kate? 117 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,919 Hey, there, it's Tom Cruise. 118 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,879 I'm here... on Cameo... 119 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,919 to say happy... anniversary... 120 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,959 Jessica and John. 121 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,239 Tom, would you like us to adjust the camera down? 122 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,519 Why would you do that? It's fine where it is. 123 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,439 John, Jessica... have a great... anniversary. 124 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,759 OK, that'll be $14 million. 125 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,799 Well, goodbye forever, Elon. 126 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:28,239 - I'll never forget you. - And I'll never forget you, Grimes, 127 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,080 thanks to these bat wings you gave me for my birthday. 128 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,319 Then I'll sing my farewell song. 129 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,999 ♪ Grimes! Grimes goes bye! ♪ 130 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,479 No. No more. 131 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,159 You've already eased the torment of you leaving. 132 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,040 Oh, you got something from Amazon. 133 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,399 A letter from Bezos itself? 134 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:53,759 "Dear Elon, as you know, I've retired as head of Amazon. 135 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,159 "I thought I'd done it all, 136 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,159 "but there was still something missing..." 137 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,479 "So I've returned to the inspiration for my fortune..." 138 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,039 The Amazon river. 139 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:07,159 And here, deep in the jungle, I've learned the secret to happiness. 140 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,719 I have wisdom and you don't! 141 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,959 "Bez out." 142 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,559 Musk, did you get this letter from Bezos? 143 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:17,279 - The Amazon river? - He's clearly gone Willy in the Wonka. 144 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,439 But what if he hasn't? That would mean he has something I don't. 145 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,719 I have to search the Amazon and find him. 146 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:26,719 I'll come, too. This is a two-billionaire mission. 147 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,639 We'll take the new Tesla self-driving boat up the river, 148 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:34,400 a thousand-mile voyage, deep into the heart of dorkness. 149 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,799 Rachel, can we please go to a gay bar? 150 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,759 - Oh, just relax, Daniel. - In a hetero pub like this, 151 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,719 there's always some testosterone-fuelled tosser 152 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,759 who wants to pick a fight with James Bond. 153 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,159 - Nice pub, isn't it? - Oh, here we go. 154 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:55,239 You want a piece of James Bond, do you? All right, try this. 155 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,519 D'you know if they're showing the football? 156 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,565 What, cos I'm a secret agent and I know everything? 157 00:07:59,603 --> 00:08:01,599 - Eh? - Come on, then. 158 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,839 - Argh! - Sitting all quiet, are you? 159 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,319 Huh? 160 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,079 - Ow! - That's right, I'm James Bond. 161 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,199 Now, why won't you all leave me alone? 162 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,399 I don't need therapy! 163 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,759 'Once, there was a little boy made of wood, 164 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,359 'who was also the leader of the Labour Party.' 165 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:30,479 Oh, Jezza, I want to be a real boy and run the country! 166 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,959 Then, Spinnochio, you must give the people 167 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:38,320 the one thing they really want... a fairer deal for the Palestinians. 168 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,399 Don't listen to Jezza, he almost destroyed the Labour Party. 169 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,159 Students liked me. Who are you, anyway? 170 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,079 Jiminy Blair... conscience of the Labour Party. 171 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,519 What? After you took the country into the war on Iraq? 172 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:56,359 I'm not listening! Spinnochio, to become a real boy, 173 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,359 you must win the forthcoming by-election. 174 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,519 Now, get campaigning. 175 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,159 Everyone knows our frontbench team, they're really cutting through. 176 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,679 And our policies are radically different to those of the Tories 177 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,679 with their calls for levelling up. 178 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,719 And on a personal level, 179 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,200 I have just as much charisma as Boris Johnson. 180 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,599 If not more! 181 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,679 I think you're a boring block of wood. 182 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,359 Jezza, we lost the by-election, but only by 5,000 votes. 183 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,040 Now can I be a real boy? I've got a better idea. 184 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,679 Argh! 185 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:35,039 Argh! Burning wood is environmentally unfriendly! 186 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,880 But it warms my old bones. 187 00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:48,099 Dammit, Branson, we're halfway up the Amazon 188 00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:51,339 and still no sign of Bezos and his secret to happiness. 189 00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:54,459 And we're out of ice, old melon. 190 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:57,139 - You really should have brought more. - I brought the cheese, 191 00:09:57,140 --> 00:10:00,139 50 wheels of Le Brouere melting in the ship's hold. 192 00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:04,699 X5 boat, what's wrong? 193 00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:07,619 'Battery depleted. Reducing to minimum speed.' 194 00:10:07,620 --> 00:10:11,339 This is an emergency. I'm calling for help. 195 00:10:11,340 --> 00:10:12,699 And ice. 196 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:17,259 No reception! Screw you, rainforest! 197 00:10:18,540 --> 00:10:20,460 - Ooh! - I'm a billionaire, Branson. 198 00:10:21,860 --> 00:10:24,659 I'll figure this out the way I solve every other problem... 199 00:10:24,660 --> 00:10:26,019 break out the weed. 200 00:10:26,020 --> 00:10:28,099 - I didn't bring any. - We're fucked! 201 00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:31,230 Ah! Ooh! 202 00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:35,779 This is no good! Where are my reading glasses? 203 00:10:35,780 --> 00:10:37,660 Ah! That's better! 204 00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:40,219 Fuck! 205 00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:42,259 It's from the producers of the next Bond movie. 206 00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:45,475 - They want me to do the song! - Really? 207 00:10:45,510 --> 00:10:47,739 Don't they normally get hip, young people to do that? 208 00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:50,539 I'm young! 74 is the new 35. 209 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:52,859 And I've got lots of trendy new song ideas! 210 00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:56,699 ♪ I'm still James Bond Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪ 211 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:57,739 Are you sure? 212 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,659 Billie Eilish did the last one, and she's still in diapers. 213 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,259 You're right. So, why are they getting in touch? 214 00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:05,220 Where are my bifocals? 215 00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:08,059 Ha! 216 00:11:08,060 --> 00:11:10,059 Double fuck! 217 00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,299 - They want me to play Bond! - What? 218 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,619 Bond. James Bond. 219 00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:16,579 Licence to kill. 220 00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:18,712 Quite a lot of people I'd like to kill actually. 221 00:11:18,747 --> 00:11:21,219 - Starting with Madonna! - Give me the phone. 222 00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,419 They want you to play a comedy part. 223 00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:25,859 An old has-been singer with haemorrhoids. 224 00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:28,299 I don't have haemorrhoids! 225 00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,499 Then why have you been buying this cream? 226 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:34,419 You're right. I'm a pathetic, vain, deluded, hilarious old man. 227 00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:36,699 No! You're not hilarious. 228 00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,699 You won't even give me that?! 229 00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:42,979 I'm going to end it all by sticking my head in the oven! 230 00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:46,219 Goodbye, cruel world! 231 00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,699 Oh, there's an apple crumble in here. 232 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,459 Where's my cup of tea? 233 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,019 Coming right up! 234 00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:56,580 Didn't want to play Bond anyway. Or do the stupid song. 235 00:11:57,580 --> 00:12:00,299 ♪ At the skyfall ♪ 236 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:03,299 ♪ I'll eat crumble ♪ 237 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,219 ♪ With some custard ♪ 238 00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:08,059 ♪ Till my tum's full. ♪ 239 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,659 I'm on the Bond diet. 240 00:12:09,660 --> 00:12:11,339 Double-O Seven helpings! 241 00:12:15,580 --> 00:12:19,379 Oh, no, a baby's about to fall off that balcony! 242 00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:23,139 This sounds like a job for the future King of England! 243 00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:26,219 - How does being royal help? - Because whenever I travel, 244 00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:30,659 my hands swell up to five times their normal size. 245 00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:34,219 It's weird, but true. You can see it in photos of me. 246 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,139 Right now, it's just the ticket. 247 00:12:38,860 --> 00:12:41,779 How can the people of Britain ever repay you? 248 00:12:41,780 --> 00:12:43,859 Just doing my duty, madam. Shake? 249 00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:46,659 Ooh! Get those puffy goo bags away! 250 00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:48,140 Fair enough. 251 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:53,099 God, how long have we been on this river? 252 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:56,019 Food gone... battery dead... 253 00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:59,779 Look, over there! Is that some hideous jungle ghost? 254 00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:04,979 No, it's me! Mark Zuckerberg! I got the letter too, man. 255 00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:08,339 I power-surfed up the river as fast as I could, 256 00:13:08,340 --> 00:13:10,859 living off flies that flew into my mouth. 257 00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:15,693 Follow me to the Temple of Bezos! 258 00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,339 Bezos has got the secret to happiness, man! 259 00:13:32,340 --> 00:13:35,379 He's suckin' wisdom straight from God's teat. 260 00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:39,419 I say, Zuck. You haven't gone full bonkers, have you? 261 00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:42,859 No, man, I've just been off Facebook for six days. 262 00:13:42,860 --> 00:13:46,899 I puked for the first three, but now... I've got clarity. 263 00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:50,499 I knew you'd come... and I'm glad. 264 00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:53,779 In the end, the only friends a billionaire has 265 00:13:53,780 --> 00:13:55,659 are other billionaires. 266 00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:58,899 - That's why I brought you all here. - What about Bill Gates? 267 00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,379 - He sent his lawyer. - Urgh! 268 00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:03,339 Silence, worm! 269 00:14:03,340 --> 00:14:06,899 Of course, my lord. I'll go shoot you a pig. 270 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:09,339 Listen, Jeff, why don't you tell us the secret of happiness, 271 00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:11,299 and Branson and I will be out of your hair... 272 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:13,859 I mean, your scalp... I mean, you're bald. 273 00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:16,499 This is the secret. 274 00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:18,979 All those billions we made, it was just a game. 275 00:14:18,980 --> 00:14:20,859 Who's got more? You, me... 276 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,699 - Me? - Never you, Branson. 277 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:26,579 But here, we're all friends, equals... 278 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:30,059 with me in charge. And this is where we will stay... 279 00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,820 forever. 280 00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:36,699 Argh! 281 00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:39,059 Oops. Thought he was a boar. 282 00:14:39,060 --> 00:14:40,579 He was a bore, but not that kind. 283 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,379 Maybe it's best we never learned the secret, 284 00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:44,339 since it obviously drove him insane. 285 00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:47,979 Some good did come of this. We've become fast chums. 286 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:53,139 Well, I suppose so. I did teach this parrot your name. 287 00:14:53,140 --> 00:14:55,060 Moron! 288 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:01,459 Grimes?! What are you doing here? 289 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:04,499 I came to tell you that even though we're separated, 290 00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:07,019 we can still be part of each other's lives. 291 00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:09,939 Of course! Simple human connection. 292 00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:12,299 That's the true secret of happiness. 293 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,219 I wrote a song about it. 294 00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:15,419 ♪ Grimes! ♪ 295 00:15:15,420 --> 00:15:17,699 ♪ Grimes at home! ♪ 296 00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:19,820 ♪ Hello-o-o! ♪ 297 00:15:21,260 --> 00:15:23,699 Right, Mr Starmer, the lorry's in reverse. 298 00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:25,539 Handbrake's off. Ready when you are. 299 00:15:25,540 --> 00:15:27,019 What a great photo op. 300 00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:29,779 The perfect way to highlight Labour's deep concern 301 00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:31,619 over the shortage of lorry drivers. 302 00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:34,539 Snap away, fellas, as I back this baby up. 303 00:15:34,540 --> 00:15:36,460 Oh! 304 00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:40,139 If this had been a real test, you would have failed. 305 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,459 Well, that's fine, because I have a pre-prepared ad-lib 306 00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:44,339 to turn this potentially embarrassing moment 307 00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:47,219 into a hilarious public relations triumph. 308 00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:50,019 Properly vetted by my inner circle, a real crowd-pleaser, 309 00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:52,379 which won't offend any minority groups. 310 00:15:52,380 --> 00:15:55,899 Ah, bless you. That is the deepest sleep I've ever had. 311 00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:57,099 Oh... 312 00:15:57,100 --> 00:16:02,059 Help! Our Dutch dyke is leaking! Our village will be drowned! 313 00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:06,739 Sounds like a job for the Prince with incredible swelling hands! 314 00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:08,190 Oh? 315 00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:11,939 You saved us! 316 00:16:11,940 --> 00:16:16,059 Lucky I was making a goodwill tour of the Edam and Gouda factories. 317 00:16:16,060 --> 00:16:17,580 That's always a hand-sweller. 318 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,579 Oh. Even I didn't know they could do that! 319 00:16:23,180 --> 00:16:26,859 All right, people. Time to put Global Britain on the map! 320 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:27,899 Remind everyone else 321 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:30,459 that we're definitely one of the world's... countries. 322 00:16:30,460 --> 00:16:34,219 Hear, hear! Bravo! Global Britain! A country! 323 00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:35,979 How are we going to do it? 324 00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:38,859 Start a war? Oh! Can I be head of bombs? 325 00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:40,820 Something far better. 326 00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:46,539 It's the new official British Ship of State, 327 00:16:46,540 --> 00:16:48,579 the HMS Nostalgia! 328 00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:51,900 Brilliant! Nostalgia is the future! 329 00:16:56,780 --> 00:17:00,299 What is the HMS Nostalgia supposed to do? 330 00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,859 Remind us of Great Britain's proud seafaring past. 331 00:17:03,860 --> 00:17:06,939 From Sir Francis Drake to Lord Nelson 332 00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:09,219 to that canoe bloke who faked his own death. 333 00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:11,879 And today's mighty naval fleet, of which two 334 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,539 whole submarines can be at sea at the same time. 335 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,299 How does a boat that takes five weeks to get anywhere 336 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:20,612 - improve our exports? - Who cares? 337 00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:22,499 It's got four bars, three hot tubs, 338 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:25,379 and a discotheque with a topless Russian DJ. 339 00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:26,459 And it's all for us. 340 00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:37,339 For half a trillion pounds, I thought it would be a little bigger. 341 00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:40,419 Yah, the topless Russian DJ cost more than we thought. 342 00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:44,219 Raise roof, Novichokers! 343 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:55,670 Aw. 344 00:17:56,740 --> 00:17:58,740 Oh, no. 345 00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:11,739 Ivanka Trump, this party is the most exciting 346 00:18:11,740 --> 00:18:14,499 thing to hit Florida since Hurricane Andrew. 347 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,659 - Where's Jared? - Working on his book. 348 00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:21,834 His creative juices are flowing with such passion and excitement. 349 00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,619 Jared, come and join the party! 350 00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:28,499 I'm surprised two fancy-pantsers like you moved to Florida. 351 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,779 I thought you loved New York. 352 00:18:30,780 --> 00:18:32,339 Yes, but it's so crowded and noisy 353 00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:34,739 and full of people who hate us because of my dad. 354 00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,179 So, you've sorta been exiled to Florida. 355 00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:40,379 We think Florida is just as good as New York. 356 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:43,179 So many cultured, sophisticated people. 357 00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:45,939 Have you met the chairman of the Miami Arts Commission? 358 00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:49,419 How do! This here's my daughter, Mangy Lou. 359 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:51,859 I love your Gucci alligator-skin purse. 360 00:18:51,860 --> 00:18:54,299 It's an alligator-skinned alligator. 361 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,699 But I keep my oxycodone in it! 362 00:18:56,700 --> 00:19:00,845 - Hey! He's gettin' away with my oxy! - Come back here! 363 00:19:01,870 --> 00:19:03,469 ♪ Dear Meghan ♪ 364 00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:05,989 ♪ You know I've been fascinated By you for a while ♪ 365 00:19:05,990 --> 00:19:09,029 ♪ Your bravery and feminism And the way you smile ♪ 366 00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:11,909 ♪ I'm a total stan for you Call it my obsession ♪ 367 00:19:11,910 --> 00:19:15,189 ♪ I just don't know why I can't get your attention ♪ 368 00:19:15,190 --> 00:19:17,069 ♪ How come you don't respond to me ♪ 369 00:19:17,070 --> 00:19:18,949 ♪ I know you've got a podcast ♪ 370 00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:24,534 ♪ Just say my name once Or I'll blow my fucking brains out ♪ 371 00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:30,389 ♪ My life is lonely all the time ♪ 372 00:19:30,390 --> 00:19:32,149 ♪ I miss Susanna Reid ♪ 373 00:19:32,150 --> 00:19:35,069 ♪ And even though I act Like you got me fired ♪ 374 00:19:35,070 --> 00:19:38,389 ♪ Still got your picture On my phone ♪ 375 00:19:38,390 --> 00:19:42,309 ♪ Give me attention Or I'll poo my pants ♪ 376 00:19:42,310 --> 00:19:43,829 ♪ I'll poo my pants ♪ 377 00:19:43,830 --> 00:19:46,269 ♪ Dear Meghan, I wrote to you again ♪ 378 00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:48,869 ♪ On Twitter, Snapchat And Royal Mail ♪ 379 00:19:48,870 --> 00:19:50,489 ♪ Sometimes people don't understand ♪ 380 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,109 ♪ When I'm trying to be funny ♪ 381 00:19:52,110 --> 00:19:53,269 ♪ Like when I said ♪ 382 00:19:53,270 --> 00:19:56,149 ♪ You were a selfish woke bitch Only in it for the money ♪ 383 00:19:56,150 --> 00:19:58,429 ♪ When I called you Princess Pinocchio ♪ 384 00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:00,738 ♪ I was kind of in a rage ♪ 385 00:20:01,150 --> 00:20:02,749 ♪ Acknowledge my existence ♪ 386 00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:05,741 ♪ Or I'll drive off this fucking bridge! ♪ 387 00:20:12,570 --> 00:20:13,729 Darling, did you hear? 388 00:20:13,730 --> 00:20:16,889 Terrible tragedy happened to that man, you know, Piers Morgan. 389 00:20:16,890 --> 00:20:19,289 Who the fuck is Piers Morgan? 390 00:20:19,290 --> 00:20:23,329 Oh, God, I hate Florida. I miss New York so much! 391 00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:26,929 What I wouldn't do for just one real New Yorker. 392 00:20:26,930 --> 00:20:29,809 And here I am! Mr New York! 393 00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:31,889 Ooh, yuck, yuck, yuck, Rudy Giuliani! 394 00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:33,849 Get out! Shoo! 395 00:20:36,210 --> 00:20:38,449 How 'bout me, Coronavirus? 396 00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:42,449 I spent a lot of time in New York! Is your dad here? 397 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:45,489 I wanna thank him for making me so popular. 398 00:20:45,490 --> 00:20:48,929 Go away. I don't want anything that reminds people of my father. 399 00:20:48,930 --> 00:20:51,289 That's how we got exiled here in the first place. 400 00:20:51,290 --> 00:20:56,209 I hear ya. I'm just gonna go and say hi to my unvaccinated friend. 401 00:20:58,370 --> 00:21:01,249 And you enjoy some hepatitis! 402 00:21:03,050 --> 00:21:06,889 Ivanka and Jared Kushner? I'm an assistant district attorney... 403 00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:08,929 - Get lost. - ..from New York City. 404 00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:11,529 Come in! Prada suit? Ferragamo shoes? 405 00:21:11,530 --> 00:21:15,249 - Oh, my God, genuine New York elite! - I have some questions 406 00:21:15,250 --> 00:21:17,529 regarding irregularities at the Trump Corporation. 407 00:21:17,530 --> 00:21:20,689 If you won't cooperate, we'll have to extradite you to New York. 408 00:21:20,690 --> 00:21:22,489 You'll take me to New York 409 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,769 and all I have to do is not cooperate? 410 00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:27,311 Can we do that, Jared? 411 00:21:27,890 --> 00:21:29,809 I warn you, you'll be in jail 412 00:21:29,810 --> 00:21:32,329 with muggers and pickpockets and gangsters. 413 00:21:32,330 --> 00:21:34,369 Couldn't be worse than my father's cabinet. 414 00:21:34,370 --> 00:21:37,729 Cuff me, you bitch. You beautiful New York bitch! 415 00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:42,300 Jared, baby, get packed. We're going home! 416 00:21:44,650 --> 00:21:47,889 Stop right there, Charles. What are you holding? 417 00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,249 Nothing, Mama. 418 00:21:49,250 --> 00:21:52,569 I thought you were visiting Northern Ireland. 419 00:21:52,570 --> 00:21:54,129 But I see you didn't go. 420 00:21:54,130 --> 00:21:56,370 There's something hidden in those hands! 421 00:22:00,650 --> 00:22:03,129 Sneaking off with my crown again! 422 00:22:03,130 --> 00:22:04,649 I knew it. 423 00:22:04,650 --> 00:22:06,469 You big-handed twat.