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Welcome to Spitting Image.

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I'm David Attenborough.
At this time of year,

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many programmes present
Halloween episodes,

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full of frights and horrors.

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But, in the past few years,
we've seen such genuine horror

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that we've decided to do
an episode called "Mellow-een".

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No tricks, all treats.

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Just relaxing vistas
of our animal friends,

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like these gentle mole rats.

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LION ROARS,
MOLE RATS LAUGH

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DAVID CRIES IN PAIN
To hell with your "Mellow-een"!

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# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

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# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

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# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

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# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

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# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

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SIRENS WAIL

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DOOR BELL RINGS
Trick or treat!

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All right, kids?
I've got a right treat for you.

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Track off me new album!

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SOMBRE PIANO TUNE
# I'm 30 now

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# Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh... #

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VOCALISING INTENSIFIES

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Fuck off, Adele!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

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Stop it! I'm 30 now!

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BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

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MR SPEAKER: And now
the Chancellor Rishi Sunak

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will deliver his Autumn Budget.

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Ha! Massive debt, prices soaring.

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I'd like to see
how he gets out of this one.

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Thank you, Mr Speaker.

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TO TUNE OF 'I'M TOO SEXY':
# I'm too dishy for this case

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# Just check my dishy face

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# They call me Dishy Rishi

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# I'm so dishy
I can say what I like

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# Unfreeze your wages
But at a tax hike

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# Here's lots of money
For the North East

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# Check out my tushie
I'm a sexy beast

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# I'm too dishy for this job

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# Much better than this slob

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# Don't you want me as your leader?

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# My face is so ethereal

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# Prime-ministerial

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# So vote for Dishy Rishi! #

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WHOOPING,
SHOUTS OF APPROVAL

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I commend this budget to this house
and thank you for the knickers.

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Those were mine!

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Dammit. He is dishy.

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I need something
to make me look good.

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MR SPEAKER: And now the response
from Keir Starmer.

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Bingo.

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Don't worry, Jess.
I can do sexy too.

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That's right. I've loosened my tie.

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Ah! What have I done?
I'm practically naked!

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Is anyone throwing anything?
Yeah. Huh!

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Oh! I think that's cured my COVID.
THUNK

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Jurgen Klopp, a 5-0 win for your
Liverpool side here at Old Trafford.

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You must be delighted.
Yes. Fantastic.

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Amazing! Ha-ha!

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Still, tough
for the Manchester United fans.

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But I am thinking
it is also positive for them.

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No-one has a sore throat
from cheering, and many left early,

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meaning more quality time
with their families.

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Fantastic! Amazing!

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MAN: Fuck off, Klopp!

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CROWD ROARS,
CLATTERING

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And now the fans are getting
exercise throwing things! Wow!

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Oh!

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Oh, my God.
That was a bottle of piss!

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And it's so clear. Ha!

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Congratulations
on being so hydrated!

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Fantastic!
HE GROANS

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MENACING ORGAN MUSIC,
THUNDER CRACKS

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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Welcome, everyone, to Halloween!

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The spooky night where horrible,
dead-eyed monsters walk amongst us.

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Hi, everyone! I'm here. Amazing!

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Oh, that's original (!)
He came in his Cats costume!

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I can't get it off.
Can someone help me?

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SHE SCREAMS
What's so terrifying?

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No coverage! My Insta-live is...

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SHE GASPS
..buffering!

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HE MOCK-GASPS
That's right!

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No Wi-Fi. No phones!
You're here to enjoy ME.

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Now, who wants to hear a song...

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ALL CLAMOUR EXCITEDLY

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..from my new album?

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THEY GROAN
Don't you groan at me!

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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KNIFE WHOOSHES,
SOMEONE YELPS

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Someone has killed James Corden!

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Is he definitely dead?
Let's make sure.

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ADELE GRUNTS,
JAMES YELPS

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Ugh!
Meow!

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Now he's definitely dead.

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Dear God. He's been murdered!

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We should call the police.
Or a vet?

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We can't. No phone!

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RATTLING,
SHE SCREAMS

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I've just tried the door -
we've been locked in!

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I-It won't open,
no matter how hard I dance.

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Ooh! Ooh, yeah! I'm dancin'!
Ooh, yeah! Huh, huh!

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So we're trapped in this fuckin'
party with a serial killer?!

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What makes you say "serial killer"?

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Cos some knob
has parked his hatchet in my back.

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STRAINED: Oh! I'll say...
hello... from the other... side!

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LOW: # Whoa, whoa. #
SHE GRUNTS

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EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT:
Looks like we, uh...

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have us a mystery.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Yes.

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NORMAL VOICE:
What the hell is that accent?!

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THUNDER CRACKS

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Welcome to
the CNN Presidential Town Hall.

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Faced with
plummeting approval ratings,

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tonight, President Biden takes
questions from you, the people.

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Look, folks, here's the deal.

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We're gonna build back better.
It's no joke.

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President Biden,
COVID is still a terrible problem.

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What are you doing about it?

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Here's the deal.
We're gonna build back better.

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Look, folks, it's no joke.

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I-I lost my job in the pandemic,
my house burned down in a wildfire,

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and I'm concerned about inflation!

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Look, it's no joke.
Here's the deal, folks.

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We're gonna build back better.

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Now there's a lion.

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LION ROARS
As Americans, what do we do?

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We're gonna build back better.
Look, here's the deal.

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It's no joke, folks.

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LION SNARLS,
BIDEN GROANS

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Tough questioning from the lion,

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but that's what's great about
America's face-to-face democracy.

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Finally, a chance to address

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the most pressing question
facing the planet...

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can I score some Hamilton tickets
from Joe Biden?

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Ha! Typical Tory.

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This conference is about
something far bigger...

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showcasing my leadership
of Scotland!

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Don't you try to steal
the limelight!

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Glasgow kiss!
SHE GRUNTS

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Hey, Macron!

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If you let independent Scotland
into the European Union,

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you can enjoy
our tasty Caledonian cuisine.

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Like this!
'Aggis?

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I am not interested in a bag of guts
stuffed with offal and oats.

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Wha'?! Bloody frog.
Shove a scallop in it!

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Well said, Haggis.
Standing up for Scotland.

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Get tae Falkirk, Alex Salmond!
I'm the voice of Scotland.

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Mm!
Oh! Ma nut!

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Shame on you all.
Apologies, Your Highness.

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This is a climate change conference.

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We're here to teach
the world one thing...

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what a jolly good king I'll be!

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Caring, informed and, yes, hands-on.

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Christ, man! What's up
with those giant tatty shovels?!

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It's an affliction I have.
They swell up whenever I travel

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to climate conferences
by private plane.

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You came here by plane?

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For shame! All of you,
with your own selfish agendas.

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You've forgotten the one reason
we are here. Hit it!

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# Never going to let you go

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# Never going to tell you no

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# Never going to be a clown
And hurt you! #

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She Rick-rolled us!

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What a great, self-empowered
young woman. Heh, ho, heh...

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Mr Javid, with COVID cases rising,

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there's been talk
of Plan A and Plan B.

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As Health Secretary, do you
even know what these plans are?

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I assure you,
the data is being closely monitored

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and analysed
by a hand-picked government team

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in whom I have
the highest confidence.

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MONKEYS CHATTERING

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THEY SCREAM

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BUTTONS BUZZ

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But is there any kind
of independent oversight?

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Oh, yes. We found someone
from the private sector.

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SCREAMING

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THUNDER CRACKS

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Oh, this is a nightmare!

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In the last 15 minutes,

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the killer has decapitated
Macaulay Culkin,

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disembowelled Russell Brand

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and run Gordon Ramsay
through a blender!

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Oh! I thought
it was a strawberry daiquiri.

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Bleurgh!
WAILING: Oh, God!

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Stop barfing, David!
DAVID WHELPS

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Oh!

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THUNDER RUMBLES,
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

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Oh, no. Someone's killed Beyonce!

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STRAINED: # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh
Oh, no, no... #

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THUD
To solve this, we must thee-ink!

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LION ROARS
Now, a murder is like a doughnut.

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ELLEN GROANS
The sugar is like a knife,

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and the sprinkles are the evidence.

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But what is the jelly?

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Answer that, and the truth,
like the knives, will out.

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While you were blathering on,
we lost Ellen AND Taylor!

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And Ed Sheeran has had a fiddle
shoved up his Galway girl.

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00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,380
DOOR CREAKS

199
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Oh, fuck a duck!

200
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,300
Oh, it's a nightmare, Vanessa!

201
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,100
Thanks to COVID, teenagers have got

202
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,220
an eight-month wait
for their driving tests.

203
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,820
If only we had
more trained examiners...

204
00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:19,380
UGH! I'll give your kids
their goddamn driving tests.

205
00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:23,300
Tom Cruise?!
But you're a huge movie star!

206
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:25,220
Why would you want to do this?

207
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Because I had
an autistic brother, Raymond,

208
00:09:27,220 --> 00:09:29,100
who thought
he was an excellent driver.

209
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:32,460
We went on a road trip,
but I took advantage of him.

210
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Now I need to show Raymond
I'm sorry.

211
00:09:34,820 --> 00:09:36,740
Wait, isn't that
the plot of Rain Man?

212
00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,900
I'm a Scientologist.

213
00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:45,460
I have an E-meter
to prove what's real!

214
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,820
Check your mirror. Stay right.

215
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:49,140
Right. Right!

216
00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:52,140
No, I mean left! Left!

217
00:09:52,140 --> 00:09:54,460
Watch that truck. Hit the brakes!
HORN BLARES

218
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Whaaaa!

219
00:09:56,700 --> 00:10:00,500
ECHOING: I'm sorry, Raymond!

220
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,420
DUCKS QUACKING

221
00:10:02,420 --> 00:10:03,540
Did I pass?

222
00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:11,780
HAUNTING ORGAN MUSIC

223
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:14,020
I haven't been this scared
since Tim Rice

224
00:10:14,020 --> 00:10:16,060
showed me the lyrics
to The Lion King!

225
00:10:16,060 --> 00:10:19,180
It's down to us,
the last three celebrities.

226
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:21,060
Well, two celebrities. Mwa-ha!

227
00:10:21,060 --> 00:10:23,980
I'm well known as a film producer
in my own right!

228
00:10:23,980 --> 00:10:25,420
Uh-huuuuh?

229
00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:29,020
Two frogs and a toad,
alone in a bayou.

230
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,820
That means somethin'
where I come from.

231
00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:33,860
Where? Where do you come from?!

232
00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:37,100
Well, don't you see?
The murderer is...

233
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DAVID SNARLS
..David!

234
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Let him finish.
Kindness of strangers...

235
00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:44,540
Okra... Gumbo...
Them Dukes... Argh!

236
00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:46,460
THUNK
You killed him!

237
00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:49,580
I'm sorry, Elton.
I killed all your friends.

238
00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:50,980
But why?

239
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:54,020
I'm so tired of sharing you
with celebrities!

240
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:58,020
I just want you all to myself.
Is that such a crime?

241
00:10:58,020 --> 00:11:00,820
DRAMATIC MUSIC

242
00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:05,980
No, not really. Meet me upstairs.

243
00:11:05,980 --> 00:11:07,780
Mu-ha-ha-ha!

244
00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:10,060
DOOR CREAKS

245
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:14,220
This year, our nation has faced
shortages in many vital commodities,

246
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,420
even though
we have one of the largest

247
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:19,060
and most advanced economies
in the world.

248
00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:23,220
There are many causes,
but one thing is certain.

249
00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:26,980
ALL: # It's not because of Brexit
It's not because of Brexit

250
00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:29,740
# This is not our fault!

251
00:11:29,740 --> 00:11:32,020
# There were queues
At petrol stations

252
00:11:32,020 --> 00:11:33,740
# And nothing on the shelves

253
00:11:33,740 --> 00:11:35,140
# Fruit just left to rot

254
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:37,500
# And the trucks
Won't drive themselves

255
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,820
# We'll call in the army
Or, if not, a band of elves

256
00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:43,860
# But you can't blame Brexit
And our polls reflect it

257
00:11:43,860 --> 00:11:47,780
# Not our fault! Not our fault!

258
00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:49,780
# Can't sell clams?

259
00:11:49,780 --> 00:11:50,980
# Not Brexit!

260
00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:53,180
# Or butcher hams?

261
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,540
# Not Brexit!

262
00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:56,220
# No microchips?
# Not Brexit!

263
00:11:56,220 --> 00:12:00,020
# No planks or bricks?
# Not Brexit! #

264
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:03,460
Although I did find a plank.

265
00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:05,500
GROGGILY: Building back better...

266
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,500
# We can pass our own laws
Cos we've taken back control

267
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:12,180
# Make a trade deal with America
If they'd return our calls

268
00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:15,580
# Just don't say we did this
To get rid of the Poles

269
00:12:15,580 --> 00:12:19,140
# It's not because of Brexit
Perhaps because of Megxit!

270
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:22,700
# Please show me the exit!

271
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,540
# Not our fault! Not our fault!

272
00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:30,140
# Not our faul-l-l-lt. #

273
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,060
Well, that's the manifesto written.

274
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:33,980
How about lunch?

275
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:36,420
PIG GRUNTS AND SQUEALS
On it.

276
00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:37,940
DOOR BELL RINGS

277
00:12:37,940 --> 00:12:40,580
Trick or treat!

278
00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:43,660
Oh. It's Joe Wicks!
My mum loves you.

279
00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:46,140
All right, kids?
I've got some sweets for you.

280
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:49,100
Awesome!
Some sweet burpees!

281
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:51,580
And jumping jacks. Reverse lunges!

282
00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:54,620
Positive, positive, positive.
Energy, energy, energy!

283
00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:56,620
BANG
Agh!

284
00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:58,980
BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

285
00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:10,580
BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

286
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:15,340
Dominic, I'm thinking of making
a move, and I want you on my side.

287
00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:17,220
Boris has never been
more vulnerable.

288
00:13:17,220 --> 00:13:20,460
Prices are up,
and so is his weight.

289
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:22,420
You know I love a back-stab
as much as any Tory,

290
00:13:22,420 --> 00:13:24,860
but Boris is protected
by powerful forces -

291
00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:27,220
dark forces that no-one understands.

292
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:32,580
That is why I am about to summon
a diabolical creature from the past.

293
00:13:32,580 --> 00:13:36,860
Barnard Castle... Barnard Castle...

294
00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:39,780
Barnard Castle!

295
00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:44,740
Mummy!

296
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:48,860
What mighty and powerful creature
has summoned me?

297
00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:50,220
Oh, it's you, Gove.

298
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:53,420
So, you've decided to let SOMETHING
out of the closet.

299
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:53,540
Ahem, yes, well, anyway,
it's time to rekindle our alliance

300
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:59,060
Ahem, yes, well, anyway,
it's time to rekindle our alliance

301
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,380
and finish the job we started.

302
00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:04,580
Excellent.
The country is ripe for conquest.

303
00:14:04,580 --> 00:14:06,340
The power of your royal family
is broken.

304
00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:09,580
The ginger one is in exile,
the Ancient Watcher has perished.

305
00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:11,780
And your woke god, Gareth Southgate,

306
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,060
has been reduced
to a confusing sex symbol.

307
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:16,140
Did someone say "confusing sex"?

308
00:14:16,140 --> 00:14:17,620
GASPS

309
00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:20,060
Cummings! Traitorious Maximus!

310
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,380
You sly, smirking,
snitching snot-woggle!

311
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,140
So you HAVE missed me.

312
00:14:24,140 --> 00:14:27,700
Well, yes, a little. Since you've
been gone, I've had to do... work.

313
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,180
It didn't have to be this way.

314
00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:31,820
One more mind-meld
for old time's sake?

315
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:34,060
Dammit, Dom, why can't I quit you?

316
00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:36,780
SPOOKY MUSIC

317
00:14:36,780 --> 00:14:40,340
Yes, Cummings, clever Cummings,
melt his brains, Cummings!

318
00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:43,540
Step away from my husband!

319
00:14:43,540 --> 00:14:45,620
Urgh! Princess Nut-Nut!

320
00:14:45,620 --> 00:14:48,260
How dare you insult
my current wife?!

321
00:14:48,260 --> 00:14:52,180
It's not an insult! "Nut-Nut"
is Epsilonian for "Super Girl-Boss".

322
00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:53,980
He's right, Boris.

323
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:56,940
I am your protector,
guardian and shield.

324
00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:59,860
I'm right behind you, Dom!
THUNDER RUMBLES

325
00:14:59,860 --> 00:15:04,300
Threaten my wallpaper no longer,
alien intruder!

326
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,300
Your sexual powers
will not work on me!

327
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:09,060
Zow! Zow! Zow!

328
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:12,900
Can't... stop you. I must
know the secret of your strength.

329
00:15:12,900 --> 00:15:14,980
My secret?

330
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:17,900
I have not one, but two vaginas.

331
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:21,780
Behold!

332
00:15:21,780 --> 00:15:25,580
Argh! Powerful vaginas!

333
00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:28,020
This is the future
the liberals want!

334
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:30,540
I banish you to the blogosphere,

335
00:15:30,540 --> 00:15:34,180
where no-one will read you,
except for other bloggers.

336
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,780
No-o-o-o-o-o!

337
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:40,380
Fine. But I warn you,
I'm putting up a paywall.

338
00:15:40,380 --> 00:15:42,340
Now, shall we look
at some tile samples?

339
00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:45,380
Ah, well, I was going to doddle off
and talk to the Chancellor about...

340
00:15:45,380 --> 00:15:46,580
Yah!

341
00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:48,220
Ah! I'd love to.

342
00:15:48,220 --> 00:15:51,700
I want to publicly apologise
for some flirtatious emails

343
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,100
I sent in 2008.

344
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,060
I now realise that saying

345
00:15:55,060 --> 00:15:59,420
"I'd like to install my fire-stick
into your VGA port"

346
00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:01,060
COULD be misinterpreted.

347
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:06,060
Also, the words "I'm ready to
core-dump onto your user interface"

348
00:16:06,060 --> 00:16:08,500
sound more ambiguous
than I intended.

349
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:11,500
I am sorry. In the future,

350
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:15,420
I will choose my words carefully
to avoid any possible confusion.

351
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:18,780
With that in mind, ladies,
I am fully erect

352
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:25,100
and have been since
the beginning of this apology.

353
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,500
This is the life.

354
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,860
Bow hunting on my Hawaiian compound

355
00:16:28,860 --> 00:16:31,140
with two guys
I paid to be my friends.

356
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:33,500
You said it, Z-man.
You're the alpha dog.

357
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,220
I am, aren't I?

358
00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:37,700
A man's man,
and everyone should know it.

359
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:39,580
Can someone put
some more insect spray on me?

360
00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:41,660
CAN HISSES

361
00:16:41,660 --> 00:16:43,940
Shall we corner you
another out-of-shape pig to shoot?

362
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:47,300
It's good, but would that impress
Hemingway or Liam Neeson?

363
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,620
We could ship in something harder
to catch, maybe?

364
00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:52,260
You mean like...
an elite human athlete?

365
00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:54,100
That's not exactly
where I was going...

366
00:16:54,100 --> 00:17:00,980
No, no, it's a great idea.
Hmm, let's see...

367
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:03,460
Gentlemen.
Your quite mysterious owner

368
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:06,540
bought me with
the highest transfer fee ever paid,

369
00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:09,580
but how can I lead you to victory
if I am in a bamboo cage?

370
00:17:09,580 --> 00:17:11,860
All will be explained in good time.

371
00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:13,940
Now back away from the door.

372
00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:15,500
Ow! Ow! Ow!

373
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:17,580
'What makes a man?

374
00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:19,980
'The gravel in his voice?

375
00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:22,180
'The stubble on his chin?

376
00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:23,820
'No.

377
00:17:23,820 --> 00:17:27,300
'What makes a man
is the way he smells.'

378
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,660
SNIFFS

379
00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:31,740
MOANS DREAMILY

380
00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:33,540
THUD
'Pitt smells.

381
00:17:33,540 --> 00:17:36,620
'The smell of Pitt. From Chanel.'

382
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:40,100
PANTS

383
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,500
Hunted for days
without food or water...

384
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:45,300
and I still look fantastic!

385
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:49,540
Now, if only there were some
tiny clean pants I could pose in.

386
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:53,540
ZUCKERBERG: Cristiano!

387
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:58,380
Stop running away so fast.
This isn't how hunting works.

388
00:17:58,380 --> 00:18:00,020
Should I release
the hunting monkeys?

389
00:18:00,020 --> 00:18:03,380
No. I just need a way
to distract him for a moment.

390
00:18:03,380 --> 00:18:06,420
Hmm... Got it!

391
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:08,500
The face... so perfect!

392
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,340
The chin... so strong!

393
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,740
The cheekbones... so high!

394
00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:15,580
Your plan worked, Z-meister.

395
00:18:15,580 --> 00:18:18,100
Now take the shot.
I know I should.

396
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,980
But, somehow, when you get the
world's most renowned soccer player

397
00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:23,300
in your cross hairs,
you start to think...

398
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,180
how graceful, how swift,
how beautiful.

399
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:31,660
Have I come to respect my prey
too much to kill it?

400
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:35,340
On the other hand,
his head does look good on my wall.

401
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:42,140
On the plus side,
now I will be young forever!

402
00:18:42,140 --> 00:18:44,980
DOOR BELL RINGS
Good evening, Mr President.

403
00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:46,700
I know what you are!

404
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,660
# Heroes in a half-shell! #

405
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:51,260
One of those Ninja Turtles.
I'm Mitch. McConnell!

406
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:54,740
Not now, man. I'm handing out candy.
A free government hand-out?

407
00:18:54,740 --> 00:18:57,540
Socialism in the White House?!

408
00:18:57,540 --> 00:18:59,580
Hop On Pop by Dr Seuss.

409
00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:02,940
What are you doing, man?
I'm filibustering this doorway.

410
00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:05,540
By reading a book
that got cancelled.

411
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:08,900
"Pop, pop, pop, hop. Hop, hop on..."

412
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:12,700
Hey! They called a recess,
and the cameras are off! Really?

413
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:16,820
Then I'm off to my terrarium
for some lettuce and bugs.

414
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:19,620
I knew he was a turtle.

415
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:29,660
CROAKS

416
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:38,180
Ah. Acting is all about
showing emotion.

417
00:19:38,180 --> 00:19:43,820
The shared power of symbiosis
is unstoppable.

418
00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:46,540
I am Tom Hardy!

419
00:19:46,540 --> 00:19:55,380
I will break you!

420
00:19:55,380 --> 00:20:01,860
Now, that's a core principle.

421
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:03,740
GASPS
By Jove!

422
00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:05,540
Who are you creepy chappies?

423
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:08,980
ALL: Hello, Papa.
We are your unacknowledged children.

424
00:20:08,980 --> 00:20:12,380
Argh! The ghosts of my sex life!
Bonkergeists!

425
00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:14,620
What do you want? I'll do anything!

426
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,820
You must learn
to be a proper father to us.

427
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:18,740
Well, not anything.

428
00:20:18,740 --> 00:20:20,340
You leave us no choice.

429
00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:23,340
We shall use our powers
to control your mind.

430
00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:29,820
SPOOKY MUSIC

431
00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:33,300
I must block them out.
I will think of a plate of sausages.

432
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,860
I MUST think of a plate of sausages.

433
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,820
Or boobs! Sausages.

434
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,340
Boobs.

435
00:20:39,340 --> 00:20:41,620
Sausages!

436
00:20:41,620 --> 00:20:43,900
Boobs!

437
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:46,940
Oh, it's no good. I'm defenceless.

438
00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:48,700
I AM your father.

439
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:51,020
So... that's our dad's brain.

440
00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:54,100
It's barely a brain at all.
We could put ourselves in care?

441
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,500
Sausages! Boobs!

442
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:59,140
Sausages, boobs, bums!

443
00:20:59,140 --> 00:21:02,980
BOTH: Sausages, boobs, bums!
Sausages, boobs, bums!

444
00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:04,820
Being a parent's rather fun.

445
00:21:04,820 --> 00:21:09,100
BOTH: Sausages, boobs, bums!

446
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:13,940
COUGHING AND SNEEZING

447
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,580
Son! You've got COVID!
You should be in bed.

448
00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:18,580
I've gotta get this new song out.

449
00:21:18,580 --> 00:21:22,820
I need to pay for underfloor heating
in the new orangery.

450
00:21:22,820 --> 00:21:24,660
Not the orangery again!

451
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:27,100
You've already
got 15 conservatories.

452
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:29,580
Orangeries are different!
SNEEZES

453
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:32,540
How are you gonna do a song
when you're coughing and sneezing?

454
00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:33,620
Easy.

455
00:21:33,620 --> 00:21:36,940
COUGHS AND SNEEZES

456
00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:40,380
Now, bit of auto-tune,
slap on some Irish fiddle...

457
00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:44,020
SAMPLED COUGHS AND SNEEZES

458
00:21:44,020 --> 00:21:50,620
FIDDLE KICKS IN

459
00:21:50,620 --> 00:21:57,700
Ah! The floor of this orangery
is so warm!

460
00:21:57,700 --> 00:21:59,860
The Emperor demands to know,

461
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:03,620
why are we not meeting our quotas
of spice deliveries from Dune?

462
00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:06,060
I don't know, Duke Paul.
The spice harvest is low,

463
00:22:06,060 --> 00:22:08,700
and there may be treachery
in the Guild of Spacers.

464
00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:10,540
Well, one thing is certain.

465
00:22:10,540 --> 00:22:12,340
# It's not because of Brexit! #

466
00:22:12,340 --> 00:22:14,580
Oh, sod off!
BORIS GRUNTS

467
00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:20,580
# Oh-oh-oh-oh

468
00:22:20,580 --> 00:22:23,660
# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh

469
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:26,740
# Oh-oh-oh-oh

470
00:22:26,740 --> 00:22:32,660
# Ah-ah-ah-ah

471
00:22:32,660 --> 00:22:35,060
# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah

472
00:22:35,060 --> 00:22:38,540
# Oh-ah! #