1
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:21,960
This one's on Manchester!

2
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,960
And this one's for hungry kids!

3
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,160
Hello, people of Wales.

4
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,160
- What's occurring?

5
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:35,960
As Prince of you,
I want to say how sorry I am

6
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,160
that Wales has been placed
into total lockdown.

7
00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,960
I know how trapped one can feel,

8
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,960
confined to just the four walls
of one's giant palace.

9
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,000
But the good news is,

10
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,960
there's still plenty of ways
to have fun in your giant palace.

11
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,000
Like indoor fox hunting.
Release the foxes!

12
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,960
Take that, you little shit.

13
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960
Oh, and don't forget
to blood your grandson.

14
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,960
OK, that's it.
Brexit talks are done, end of.

15
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,960
Finissimus Maximus.
No more negotiations.

16
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:19,960
Right, who wants to go to Paris
for another round of negotiations?

17
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:20,960
Not me.

18
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,960
There's too much garlic.

19
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:25,960
Well, I'm all talked out
from dealing with Burnham

20
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960
and those bastard northerners.

21
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,000
Govey, why don't you go to Paris?

22
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,480
Me? A naive young laddie
from Aberdeen...

23
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,960
..going to the fabled city of light
and discovering croissants,

24
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:41,960
a workable trade agreement
and love?

25
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,960
Just trying to help the mood.

26
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,960
I'll go and stand behind the plant.

27
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
Hello, Instagram, it's me.

28
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,000
Govey in Paris.

29
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,960
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris ♪

30
00:01:56,960 --> 00:02:00,960
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
Le petit merde ♪

31
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,960
♪ Le petit merde est arrive ♪

32
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,960
♪ C'est Govey
Le petit merde... ♪

33
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,640
OMG!

34
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:12,960
It's everything I dreamed of.
Could I get a latte?

35
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Parlez en francais.

36
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,960
Luckily I have a translation app
developed by Nigel Farage.

37
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
Could I get a latte?

38
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:24,800
'Where is my milky coffee,
you French wanker?'

39
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:30,960
Govey, is that you?
Govey in Paris?

40
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,960
Emmanuel Macron,
the sexiest leader in Europe.

41
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,960
Paris agrees with you,
you look so young and fresh.

42
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,960
Usually not my thing.
What are you doing here?

43
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,960
I came to discuss
the trade agreement and find love.

44
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
Then perhaps we should have dinner.

45
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,320
Oh, sounds wonderful.

46
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,960
'If I have to,
you big-nosed French twat.'

47
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,000
I am thrilled to be here
in Conklin, Iowa.

48
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,960
Home of the famous
Conklin County corn dogs.

49
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,960
Have another one.

50
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,960
Oh, you shouldn't have.
But I'm glad you did.

51
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,960
The best thing about Conklin
is its legendary wishing well.

52
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:13,320
They say no candidate ever won Iowa
without making a wish in this well.

53
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,960
Ow!
Boo!

54
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,960
He's his own worst enemy.
He always blows the easy ones.

55
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,960
But there's some things
you can't wish away,

56
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:22,960
things that I plan to solve

57
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,960
when I become America's
next white president.

58
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,320
Reminds me of a story
Barack Obama told me.

59
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,960
He said, "Joe, I'm running
a little late to our meeting,

60
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,640
"but I'm on my way."

61
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,160
That was considerate, man.

62
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:39,960
We'd win for sure if he could just
shut up until election day.

63
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:40,960
But hey, I'm a problem solver.

64
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,000
I once found my wife
hiding behind a tree.

65
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,800
She said she was just setting up
a picnic,

66
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,960
but I've played
hide-and-seek before.

67
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,800
Women want you to catch 'em,
even when they look scared.

68
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,000
Argh!

69
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,960
Are you all right, sir?

70
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,960
Oh, fine, fine.

71
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,320
But how's anyone gonna hear
my speech?

72
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:03,160
It's all wet and echoey in here,
like singing in the shower.

73
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,000
Now I want to mention,
while I'm on the subject

74
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,960
that I think shower sex
is overrated.

75
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,960
So, our presidential candidate
is alive...

76
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,960
Right.
..but no-one can hear him talk.

77
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,320
Right!
So what do we do?

78
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,960
Relax and have a corn dog.

79
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,960
In honour of her work bringing
clean water around the globe,

80
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,000
the philanthropy award goes to...
Adele!

81
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:28,960
I'm honoured.

82
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,960
But the real winners
are the selfless workers

83
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,960
at my charity, Irrigate Not Hate.

84
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,320
And the real loser is you

85
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,960
of around 90 pounds,
that's the real achievement.

86
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,800
How do you do it?

87
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,000
I'd rather talk about bringing
clean water to children.

88
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,960
Yes, talk about how that led
to your losing 90 pounds.

89
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
Er, it didn't.
Then don't talk about it.

90
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,960
Can I just do my fucking
acceptance speech? Course.

91
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:55,960
Body acceptance is so important.
Not that you need it, you're thin.

92
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,960
Right, eat this, you big twat.

93
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,960
Argh!

94
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960
So strong! Yet so skinny.

95
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,960
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris... ♪

96
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:13,160
We want the same things,
frictionless trade.

97
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,960
Cooperational law enforcement
and defence.

98
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,960
And broad alignment on standards.

99
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960
So there's nothing to argue about.

100
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,960
It seems we have an entente
that is more than cordial.

101
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,960
Oi, Gove, you mug!

102
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,320
I'm a British fish caught
by a bleeding Frenchman.

103
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:34,960
What are you gonna do about it?

104
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960
Emmanuel, is what
this fish says true?

105
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:42,960
Yes, but so what? Fishing accounts
for less than 0.1% of your GDP.

106
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:46,480
It's about British sovereignty.
We don't pilfer your fucking snails.

107
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,960
I'm sorry, Emmanuel,
I thought Paris would change me.

108
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:51,960
But maybe in my heart,

109
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,960
I want to stick to pointless rules
for no good reason.

110
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,960
No more negotiations.

111
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,960
This is the end of Govey in Paris.

112
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,160
#sadface.

113
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,320
Are you sure about this?

114
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,960
I've never been so sure
about anything in my life.

115
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,960
OK, shall we meet
same time tomorrow?

116
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,640
See you then.

117
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,960
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris. ♪

118
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:23,960
I don't understand.

119
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,640
The Americans are the ones
who called for this meeting

120
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:27,960
here on our Himalayan border.

121
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:31,960
Yet Jared Kushner, their
loud-mouthed negotiator, is late.

122
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,960
Patience, Mr Secretary.

123
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,960
I'm sure he's making every effort
to get here as soon as he can.

124
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:48,640
Hey, everybody, it's me, Ivanka.
Himala-yas queen!

125
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,160
Jared and I are rushing
to stop a diplomatic crisis

126
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,960
between two nuclear powers,
via the scenic route.

127
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,960
Nature's grandeur is so humbling.

128
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:02,480
What better place to rock a
Christian Louboutin stiletto pump?

129
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,000
Hi, Instagram, small setback there.

130
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,960
But life goes on,
except for the goat I landed on.

131
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:18,160
Anyway, through sheer force of will,
Jared and I are almost at the top.

132
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,960
Unfortunately,
my skin is very dry up here

133
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,960
and I bought the wrong lotion.

134
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,640
This is for ankles,
I need it for elbows.

135
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,960
Babu, would you mind making
a quick sidetrack to Paris?

136
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,960
We're ten minutes from the top.

137
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,960
Then I'm glad we got this sorted out
before we arrived.

138
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,800
Hm.

139
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,000
My husband,
he's having a heart attack!

140
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,960
Stand back!
Adele?

141
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,960
In between winning Grammys
and awards for philanthropy,

142
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,000
I've also been training as a doctor.

143
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,960
Live, live.

144
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,960
Oh, my God, that's incredible.
That you're alive?

145
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,960
No, that you're so thin.

146
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,960
How did you lose all that weight?
Erm...

147
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,960
Maybe by doing this?

148
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,960
That's it. Everyone do it.

149
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:18,960
Oh, fuck off!
I can feel myself getting thinner.

150
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,960
I just want to thank you
for these amazing decisions

151
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,000
that went against us.
Wow! What a game.

152
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,480
I thought we were beating Everton,

153
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:31,800
then the goal was taken away on VAR
for no obvious reason.

154
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,000
Ha ha! Amazing twist.

155
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,960
So dramatic. What a joy
for all the fans that hate us.

156
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:41,800
My Twitter is going crazy.
"Go fuck yourself, Jurgen."

157
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,960
Wow, ha ha! A great new challenge.

158
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,320
OK, how will I do this?

159
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:48,960
Hm. One leg goes here,
and the other leg...

160
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,960
Argh! I broke my nose on the ground.

161
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,960
Amazing, wow!

162
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,960
How you doing down there,
Mr Biden?

163
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,320
Oh, good, good.

164
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:04,480
Hey, how's that rescue coming?
I've been down here for 20 minutes.

165
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:05,960
It's been three days, sir.

166
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,960
Oh, I've been in tougher scrapes
than this.

167
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
I remember two kids
went up to a well,

168
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,960
one fell down, broke his crown,
serious head injury.

169
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,480
And that's why Barack and I created
the Affordable Care Act

170
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,960
for kids like Jack and Jill,
if she needs an abortion, or wants.

171
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,960
See, I'm learning.

172
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960
This has been the best three days
of the campaign.

173
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
No-one can hear his gaffes,
people love his can-do spirit.

174
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960
That Joe's a tough bastard.

175
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,960
If I was gonna get off my ass
to vote, I'd vote for him.

176
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,960
Hey, Mr Biden assistant,

177
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960
y'all want me to loan you
a rope ladder?

178
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960
Well, yes, we're considering that.

179
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,960
Safety is paramount,
we don't want to rush this.

180
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,960
Yes, and whatever method we use,

181
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,960
should reflect the dignity of
the office for which he is running.

182
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,320
I'm standing in frog shit!

183
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,960
And everyone respects you for it,
sir.

184
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,960
This summit is pointless,
we agree on nothing.

185
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,640
I agree.
Well, I don't!

186
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,960
What does our loud-mouthed
American negotiator have to say?

187
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,960
Perhaps he's waiting
to hear from us.

188
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,800
Americans never listen.

189
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,480
They just yak on about
how great they are

190
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,960
because they invented peanut butter
and jazz.

191
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,960
I like jazz.
No-one likes jazz.

192
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,960
How can we have
an honest negotiation

193
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,960
if you're going to say
obvious bullshit?

194
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:22,960
Eat prayer wheel!

195
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960
GONG

196
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,960
The American is right.

197
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,960
This is a place of peace
and understanding.

198
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,480
Let us talk as friends.

199
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,320
Joe Biden continues to soar
in the polls,

200
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,640
as his aides debate the best way

201
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,960
to extract him
from his watery predicament.

202
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,960
Typical government incompetence.

203
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
Removing a presidential candidate
from a well

204
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,960
is the kind of problem
I was put on this earth to solve.

205
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,640
Sandy, where's my boring machine?

206
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,640
'It's drilling a private tunnel
from your house

207
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:58,960
'to your favourite Taco Bell.'

208
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Have it continue on to Iowa.

209
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,960
Sure, I got problems, but do you
know who else is underwater?

210
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960
America's small business owners.

211
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,320
Great stuff, sir.

212
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,960
And good news, Elon Musk is
on his way with his boring machine.

213
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,800
Sounds exciting.
I'll keep a sharp eye out.

214
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,960
It's me, Elon Musk,
I'm here to save you.

215
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,640
Technical problem.
We'll patch it up.

216
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,480
Out of yoghurt. Damn.

217
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,960
Easily fixed.

218
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,000
There, perfectly curdled.

219
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,960
While Jared is working
on world peace,

220
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,960
it's time for me
to wow the malnourished,

221
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,960
dirt-poor craftswomen
of this Himalayan dump.

222
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,960
Look at those adorable
ethnic outfits.

223
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,320
Argh!
Don't be scared.

224
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,960
It's me, Ivanka Trump.

225
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,480
I thought you were a yeti. Only
the yeti wears white in the snow.

226
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,960
He uses camouflage
to surprise his victims.

227
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,960
Very gruesome. But that's
evolutionary biology for you.

228
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,960
Oh, that fabric is so silky.
What's it made of?

229
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,960
Silk.
Oh, my gosh.

230
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,960
Ivanka idea. Oh, it's coming.
Ooh, it's here.

231
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,960
What if we partner for an indigenous
women's fashion collective?

232
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:27,960
What's a collective?

233
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960
I collect your clothes

234
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,160
and sell them in America
for ten times the price.

235
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,960
Supporting third-world women

236
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,960
would totally restore my cred
with the New York elite.

237
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,960
Sorry, Miss Ivanka,
but we place no value on wealth.

238
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,960
And only a small value on "cred".

239
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,960
But it's win-win. You get money,
I get cred and I get money.

240
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,960
We make our clothes because it
brings us inner peace and outerwear.

241
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,960
Inner peace? I bet I could
market the hell out of that.

242
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Inner Peace by Ivanka.

243
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,960
♪ Ivanka. ♪

244
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:06,640
So, after a truly inspirational day,
I'm headed back to Jared.

245
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,320
♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

246
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,160
♪ Isn't Twitter neat, neat? ♪

247
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:35,800
♪ Breaking news, funny jokes
Sending love to all your folks ♪

248
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,000
♪ You've got it wrong
You silly birds ♪

249
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:44,960
♪ Cos everyone
On Twitter is a turd ♪

250
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,960
♪ 280 characters
And everyone's a snowflake ♪

251
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,960
♪ Prince Andrew doesn't sweat
That's the very latest hot take ♪

252
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,960
♪ The death threats from the incels
Come from all around the globe ♪

253
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,960
♪ Oh, look, another writer
Is a massive transphobe ♪

254
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,960
♪ You tweet something innocent like
"I like weekends" ♪

255
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,960
♪ A million people answer back
"Hey, that tweet offends ♪

256
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:18,320
♪ "It's insensitive to people
Who have no friends" ♪

257
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,960
♪ I hope you still like weekends ♪

258
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,960
♪ When your career ends
You're cancelled! ♪

259
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,960
♪ This platform is making
A shit world shitter ♪

260
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:29,960
♪ That's it, we are done
We are leaving Twitter ♪

261
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,960
♪ Goodbye to the reply guys
The performatively woke cries ♪

262
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,960
♪ The can't take the joke bros
The rewrite your joke hos ♪

263
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,960
♪ The snitch-tagging jerks
And the tweet-stealing berks ♪

264
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,960
♪ The mouth-breathing pussies
The pussy-grabbing wussies ♪

265
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,960
♪ The mansplainer dicks
The dick-pic-sending pricks ♪

266
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,960
♪ Get your wieners out my DMs, boy
Hashtag this ♪

267
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:58,960
♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet
Your post has been retweeted most ♪

268
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,960
♪ Your hot take is about to win
Don't you want to log back in? ♪

269
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,960
Ow!
Argh!

270
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:10,960
♪ I said that I would leave
But then I came right back ♪

271
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,480
♪ I love, love, love
To be a self-promoting hack ♪

272
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,960
♪ I'm just gonna quickly call
Someone a paedo ♪

273
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,960
♪ Here's a major spoiler
From your favourite TV show ♪

274
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:25,800
♪ Who cares if Twitter gives you
An awful world view ♪

275
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,640
♪ We will never, ever, ever, ever
Ever quit you. ♪

276
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,480
It would be wrong to confirm

277
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,960
a Supreme Court judge
in an election year.

278
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:42,960
It's OK to confirm a judge
ten seconds before the election.

279
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,960
President Obama is a lame duck.

280
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:49,640
President Trump is a strong duck
with big, flappy wings.

281
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,800
There is no rush.

282
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,960
Go, go, wee!

283
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,480
The President is not above the law.

284
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,800
The President IS the law.
He-he-he-he!

285
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,960
I never flip-flop.
I love the flip-flop.

286
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,960
The dress is white and gold.
The dress is blue and black!

287
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,960
I heard Laurel.
I heard Yanny.

288
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,960
One thing will never change,

289
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,480
my respect for the dignity
of the Senate.

290
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:14,960
There are no rules!

291
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,960
Huh?

292
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,960
Fuck me sideways! Aliens!

293
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,960
We come in peace.
Our species has been monitoring

294
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,960
your Earth news broadcasts
for many years.

295
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,960
But lately, we noticed all
they ever talk about is one thing.

296
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,960
Is it about how much weight
I've lost? Yes, it's incredible.

297
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,480
And your skin isn't even baggy.

298
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,960
'king hell.

299
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,960
We have travelled 1,000 light years
to take a selfie with you.

300
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,960
With our advanced alien technology,

301
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960
you only have to hold still
for three minutes.

302
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:49,000
One potato, two potato...
You extra-terrestrial twats!

303
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,960
You'd be prettier if you smiled.

304
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,960
Mr Chairman,
I'm glad we've found a way

305
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,960
to step back from our conflict.

306
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,960
Indeed, and may I say...

307
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Hold it, hold it.

308
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,160
Only the person holding the head
may speak.

309
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,960
All right.

310
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,320
In the end, it took the Americans
to show us how foolish we've been.

311
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:12,960
Why fight among ourselves
when the US has become so pathetic?

312
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:16,960
If we just sit back and do nothing,
we shall inherit the world.

313
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,800
Let our triumph ring out.

314
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,960
Ha ha!

315
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,960
Daddy gave Jared
a Presidential Medal of Awesome,

316
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
and I found inner peace

317
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,960
and a sick line
of Himalayan merchandise.

318
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,960
Yeti skin wraps.

319
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,960
OK, I've positioned
a hypersonic elevator platform

320
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,960
underneath Mr Biden.

321
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960
It was developed to lift cargo
into orbit.

322
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,960
But in this case,
I'll use the minimum power

323
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,960
to gently raise the candidate back
to this campaign event.

324
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,960
Cheese and crackers!

325
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,320
This campaign's
going higher and higher.

326
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,000
Hey, can you get me down?

327
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000
Working on it.
Keep spreading the message.

328
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,960
You look tense. Can I massage you?

329
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,960
See you in the morning, honey.
Not morning, tomorrow sunset.

330
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,160
I thought you were gonna leave
the vampire thing back in Slobovia.

331
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,160
I got homesick. Kiss, kiss.

332
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:38,960
Honey, I can't sleep.

333
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,320
I need a bit of
that sweet, sweet sugar.

334
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,960
All right, but hurry up.

335
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,960
OK, that's enough,
you're sucking me dry.

336
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:53,640
A quarter...
and it's Canadian.

337
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,960
This one's just a token
for Chuck E. Cheese.

338
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:56,960
I thought you were rich.

339
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,960
I'm just not very liquid
at the moment.

340
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,960
I'm heavily invested
in Russian oligarchs.

341
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,960
That does it, I'm going to hunt
some tech bros with bitcoin.

342
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960
They taste like douche bags,
but their cheques clear.

343
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,960
We've talked about this,

344
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,960
I'm the one in an open marriage.

345
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,960
Every relationship is hard
in its own way.

346
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,800
Schools are on half-term break,
time for a holiday,

347
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:24,960
to head away from the kids

348
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,960
here in the frigid, howling wastes
of Scotland.

349
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,960
What is the purpose of "holidays"?

350
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:31,960
Surely the time
would be better spent

351
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,800
removing spent workers
from the hive.

352
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,960
Removing what?

353
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,000
I mean, improving retirement
benefits for workers from the hive.

354
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,960
I come here to keep the Scots
in the Union.

355
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,960
I show that I love Scotland

356
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,960
and in return, inevitably,
Scotland will love me.

357
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:51,960
Here, you with ya wee bastard!
Ya skanked my cow, ya wee bawbag!

358
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,960
Ah, hello, fellow Union member.
What's he saying, Dom?

359
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,800
Unclear. I will attempt
a technique I learnt

360
00:19:58,800 --> 00:19:59,960
from the Mind Lords of Thark.

361
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,960
I mean, YouTube.

362
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,960
Za-za-za... so much pain.

363
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,960
Za-za-za... grievance without logic.

364
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,960
Get away from me, ya wee shite!

365
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:14,960
He says we're in the wrong field
and also you ran over his cow.

366
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,960
Ah, I thought I felt a bump
on the Bentley.

367
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,960
Ah, this must be yours.

368
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,960
My poor beef lassie.
Always good to meet the electorate.

369
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,000
Now, I believe this dry field

370
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,960
is a designated place
to build a campfire.

371
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,960
A campfire?
Shouldn't we take precautions?

372
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,960
I never take precautions.

373
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,960
That's how I got all those kids
in the first place.

374
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,160
I love looking at my holiday photos.

375
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,960
Well, Jacinda Ardern, I guess
you feel pretty proud of yourself

376
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,000
after winning a landslide
reelection in New Zealand.

377
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,960
Practically perfect people expect
to win by landslides.

378
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
Aren't you even going to celebrate?

379
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:03,960
Well, maybe I'll do that thing I did
just once when I was a kid.

380
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,000
♪ Let's get high as a kite ♪

381
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,960
♪ Up to the gnarliest height ♪

382
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,960
♪ I said I only tried it once ♪

383
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:21,160
♪ And I didn't like it ♪

384
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,800
♪ Politicians never say ♪

385
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,960
♪ That they like the Mary Jay ♪

386
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:33,320
♪ So let's get high
High as a kite. ♪

387
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:36,960
She's so stoned, she thinks
her umbrella's talking to her.

388
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,960
Welcome to the final
presidential debate.

389
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,000
After the last one,
we have changed the rules.

390
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,960
Should things get out of hand,

391
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,960
I can mute the candidates'
microphones using this red button.

392
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,000
Gentlemen, you may begin now.

393
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,960
Folks, here's the deal...
Corrupt joke. Rigged election.

394
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,480
Poorest president of my lifetime...
I'm fantastic.

395
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,640
Man, shut up...
And done.

396
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,960
I'll be back in an hour.

397
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:18,960
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
Le petit merde ♪

398
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,960
♪ Le petit merde est arrive ♪

399
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,960
♪ C'est Govey
Le petit merde, Govey. ♪

400
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:31,960
♪ C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris ♪

401
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,960
♪ Le petit merde... ♪