1
00:00:15,170 --> 00:00:18,810
Hi, America, it's your favourite
president, President Trump.

2
00:00:18,845 --> 00:00:21,810
Now, I hear there's a lot of
confusion about voting.

3
00:00:21,845 --> 00:00:22,844
Mostly caused by me.

4
00:00:22,845 --> 00:00:24,810
So, I'm here to straighten it out.

5
00:00:24,845 --> 00:00:27,515
With my proven technique,
you can vote like Trump,

6
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,278
and for Trump. Trump!

7
00:00:29,323 --> 00:00:31,651
If you're in Florida,
then you should vote.

8
00:00:31,746 --> 00:00:34,124
But if you're in California,
don't bother.

9
00:00:34,179 --> 00:00:35,810
This is a ballot.

10
00:00:35,845 --> 00:00:38,810
If you wanna vote for Trump, do this.

11
00:00:39,810 --> 00:00:42,177
What if you're crazy
and you hate America

12
00:00:42,256 --> 00:00:45,057
and you don't wanna vote for Trump?
Do this.

13
00:00:45,092 --> 00:00:46,647
Good.

14
00:00:46,769 --> 00:00:49,850
OK. Now you voted right,
what do you do with this thing?

15
00:00:49,885 --> 00:00:53,810
On election day, go to the precinct,
or whatever they call it.

16
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:57,810
You'll have to prove you're allowed
to vote, so bring one of these.

17
00:00:57,845 --> 00:01:00,810
Hand in your ballot, then show
those freedom-hating Democrats

18
00:01:00,845 --> 00:01:04,010
waiting to vote
how happy you are by doing this.

19
00:01:06,845 --> 00:01:08,810
Some people wanna mail in votes.

20
00:01:08,845 --> 00:01:10,810
That's OK if you voted for me.

21
00:01:10,845 --> 00:01:13,170
But this ballot is for Sleepy Joe.

22
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- Mike, mail this for me.
- Yes, sir.

23
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:20,810
Mother, help me, ooh!

24
00:01:20,845 --> 00:01:23,260
- Argh!
- See? Mailboxes know.

25
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:24,933
I don't know how, but they know,

26
00:01:24,965 --> 00:01:26,636
and they don't like it
when you don't vote me.

27
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Step 5 to whatever:

28
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After you vote, make doubly sure

29
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that your vote has been counted
by voting again.

30
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:34,810
And there you have it, how to vote.

31
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:39,561
- Clean that up!
- Yes, Mr President.

32
00:01:41,330 --> 00:01:44,810
New James Bond auditions.
Boris Johnson, take one.

33
00:01:44,845 --> 00:01:47,810
My nomen, uh, commencing,
as it were,

34
00:01:47,845 --> 00:01:52,810
with my surname on the non-distaff
side of my family is, uh, Bond.

35
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- Cut!
- And the, uh, cognomen,

36
00:01:54,205 --> 00:01:57,810
or everyday epithet
that I am known by, is James.

37
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Producing, as it were, a complete
appellatory sequence of...

38
00:02:00,845 --> 00:02:03,511
Everyone take five!

39
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:10,704
Ah, Mars.
As first to touch down,

40
00:02:10,705 --> 00:02:14,670
I claim this virgin territory
for the Branson empire.

41
00:02:14,705 --> 00:02:18,510
Touch down?
You literally fell out of your balloon.

42
00:02:18,545 --> 00:02:20,670
Yes, from a great altitude.

43
00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:22,670
Still, fair's fair.
I won our gentlemen's bet.

44
00:02:22,705 --> 00:02:26,670
Look, we're stuck on Mars.
Out of fuel, no way home.

45
00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:30,190
It's cooperate or die faster
than Branson's music label.

46
00:02:30,225 --> 00:02:31,670
Perhaps.

47
00:02:31,705 --> 00:02:34,670
OK. Let's start
by naming our new capital.

48
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- Bezos City.
- Muskatania.

49
00:02:36,705 --> 00:02:38,670
Cooperation over!

50
00:02:38,705 --> 00:02:40,670
So be it.
I claim the southern hemisphere.

51
00:02:40,705 --> 00:02:42,670
I claim the northern hemisphere.

52
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- And I claim all the rest!
- Farewell.

53
00:02:45,705 --> 00:02:49,190
We will not meet again until
the final battle to rule Mars

54
00:02:49,225 --> 00:02:52,704
- across all e-commerce platforms.
- Okie-dokey.

55
00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:55,670
Right, so,
I guess this ditch is mine.

56
00:02:55,705 --> 00:02:59,670
Now, to rehydrate, some sherry.

57
00:02:59,705 --> 00:03:01,870
Did anyone bring water?

58
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,440
How are you folks doin'?

59
00:03:09,475 --> 00:03:10,960
You enjoying those pancakes
in front of you?

60
00:03:10,995 --> 00:03:12,440
- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

61
00:03:12,475 --> 00:03:14,440
You know, I whip up
a pretty mean batch myself.

62
00:03:14,475 --> 00:03:17,440
Biden's Famous Flap Joes,
we call 'em.

63
00:03:17,475 --> 00:03:19,457
I like 'em with Aunt Jemima syrup,

64
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:21,440
but they tell me she's a stereotype,

65
00:03:21,475 --> 00:03:25,440
- so now I just sprinkle on Lipitor.
- Sir, instead of saying things,

66
00:03:25,475 --> 00:03:28,440
how about you flip some pancakes
in the kitchen?

67
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:32,200
- Great photo op!
- Genius here loves his photo ops.

68
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,440
How we doin', José?
You know, my friend Barack Obama

69
00:03:35,475 --> 00:03:38,640
and I created the Dream Act
to help illegals like you.

70
00:03:38,675 --> 00:03:41,480
My name is Robert,
and I was born in Nebraska.

71
00:03:41,515 --> 00:03:44,457
Whatever you say, José.
Alrighty, it's grub time.

72
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:47,440
- Got film in that camera?
- Not for many years, Sir.

73
00:03:47,475 --> 00:03:49,480
And a one, and a two,
and a flippitydo!

74
00:03:51,475 --> 00:03:54,440
You get that?
Cos this one's ready to go, too.

75
00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:56,440
Hey, you like that with ham steak?

76
00:03:56,475 --> 00:03:58,440
Sir, we really should wrap it up.

77
00:03:58,475 --> 00:04:00,440
Wrap it up?
So, it's a to-go order?

78
00:04:00,475 --> 00:04:02,440
No, I meant we have to go.

79
00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:05,440
Old Joe Biden don't quit
in the middle of the job.

80
00:04:05,475 --> 00:04:07,440
Look what just came in.
Sausage 'n grits.

81
00:04:07,475 --> 00:04:10,440
Hobo hash.
Eggs sunny side down?

82
00:04:10,475 --> 00:04:14,120
- Christ, I'm falling behind here!
- Yes, but sir, we...

83
00:04:14,155 --> 00:04:16,440
I got orders to sling,
out of my kitchen!

84
00:04:16,475 --> 00:04:18,440
Keep them orders
comin', Millie, come on!

85
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,440
Guten tag, Instagram.

86
00:04:20,475 --> 00:04:22,440
It is I, Angela Merkel,
announcing a plan

87
00:04:22,475 --> 00:04:24,800
to revitalise the German economy.

88
00:04:24,835 --> 00:04:29,440
No more industries of the past like
cars, computers and flugelhorns.

89
00:04:29,475 --> 00:04:33,209
Today, Germany enters
the global industry of the future.

90
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,800
Personally branded makeup.

91
00:04:35,835 --> 00:04:39,440
Say goodbye to the Kylie Jenners,
Rihannas and the Kats Von D,

92
00:04:39,475 --> 00:04:44,640
and hello to the precision German
engineering of Merkel's Merk-Up.

93
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:48,440
My palette has all the vibrant
colours of the German rainbow.

94
00:04:48,475 --> 00:04:52,640
Grey, Dark Grey, Berlin Concrete,
und Accident In A Coalmine.

95
00:04:52,675 --> 00:04:56,440
Und every Merk-Up kit
comes with a special applicator,

96
00:04:56,475 --> 00:04:58,440
a repurposed car factory robot.

97
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:07,440
So, subscribe,
and get 20% off my products

98
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:09,802
with the code Merk Me Beautiful.

99
00:05:09,802 --> 00:05:11,440
Oh!

100
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:19,280
Careful, Harry. I spilled
some essential oils on the floor.

101
00:05:19,315 --> 00:05:20,474
Whoa!

102
00:05:20,475 --> 00:05:21,875
Ahh!

103
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,440
Ooh! What's with
all the potions, Meg?

104
00:05:24,475 --> 00:05:26,440
You're not going scientist on me,
are you?

105
00:05:26,475 --> 00:05:28,440
If I'm gonna succeed in America,

106
00:05:28,475 --> 00:05:31,480
I need a lifestyle brand
of creams and supplements.

107
00:05:31,515 --> 00:05:33,477
Gwyneth Paltrow has Goop.

108
00:05:33,478 --> 00:05:35,440
Kourtney Kardashian has Poosh.

109
00:05:35,475 --> 00:05:39,440
And Jamie Lee Curtis has Poogurt.
Now, I've got mine.

110
00:05:39,475 --> 00:05:44,176
Meg-Goo, celebrating
the sexy Earth goddess in all of us.

111
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:48,256
Brilliant, you're a genius
at sauces and ointments.

112
00:05:48,291 --> 00:05:50,858
What I need now
is a way to launch it.

113
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:55,440
A private, intimate affair that
gets blasted out on social media

114
00:05:55,475 --> 00:05:57,440
to every human in the world.

115
00:05:57,475 --> 00:05:59,800
Like an Emmy or an Oscar bash,
only bigger.

116
00:05:59,835 --> 00:06:01,440
A BAFTA party?

117
00:06:03,475 --> 00:06:06,960
But seriously, it's gotta
sell the mommy lifestyle.

118
00:06:06,995 --> 00:06:09,057
And it's gotta be all about me.

119
00:06:09,058 --> 00:06:11,120
But not seem like it's all about me.

120
00:06:11,155 --> 00:06:13,440
Hm.
If only we had a kid or something.

121
00:06:14,995 --> 00:06:17,120
That's it, you magnificent ginger!

122
00:06:17,155 --> 00:06:19,440
I'll throw a birthday party
for Archie!

123
00:06:19,475 --> 00:06:23,440
With the hottest celebrities
and the handsiest movie producers.

124
00:06:23,475 --> 00:06:24,674
But his birthday was months ago.

125
00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:27,440
Well, round him down.
This is Hollywood.

126
00:06:27,475 --> 00:06:30,280
The last thing we want
is an old baby.

127
00:06:30,315 --> 00:06:31,960
Good news, son.
You're turning one again.

128
00:06:33,475 --> 00:06:37,440
He already hates his dad,
that's a Windsor for you.

129
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,440
Mitch, I'm kind of worried,

130
00:06:42,475 --> 00:06:44,440
but mostly confident,
that I'll be re-elected.

131
00:06:44,475 --> 00:06:48,440
But in case they don't, I've gotta
make sure my legacy survives.

132
00:06:48,475 --> 00:06:50,440
Question one, what is my legacy?

133
00:06:50,475 --> 00:06:54,440
Well, you put up some
test border walls that blew over.

134
00:06:54,475 --> 00:06:55,474
Let me put it differently,

135
00:06:55,475 --> 00:06:58,440
how do I stay out of jail
once I'm out of office?

136
00:06:58,475 --> 00:07:00,440
Uh...

137
00:07:00,475 --> 00:07:03,440
- Don't commit crimes?
- God, you're dumb!

138
00:07:03,475 --> 00:07:05,440
We gotta pack the courts
with conservative,

139
00:07:05,475 --> 00:07:07,440
back-scratching,
Trump-loving judges.

140
00:07:07,475 --> 00:07:11,440
But Amy Coney Barrett was
the last qualified Republican judge

141
00:07:11,475 --> 00:07:14,440
in America.
I'm all out of candidates.

142
00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:17,440
Just do it, Mitch.
This is why I became President.

143
00:07:17,475 --> 00:07:20,440
To keep my ass safe
when I stop being President.

144
00:07:20,475 --> 00:07:25,197
OK, I'm off to Dairy Queen to eat
ice cream straight from the nozzle.

145
00:07:25,232 --> 00:07:28,875
Glug, glug, glug, glug!
Ahh!

146
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,440
Stupid Bezos, I don't need his help.

147
00:07:32,475 --> 00:07:36,280
Step one,
inflate the bubble habitat.

148
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,440
Why is there so little air
in this air?

149
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,280
I told you to bring a bicycle pump.

150
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:59,280
Ow, ow, ouch!
Were you slapping me in the face?

151
00:07:59,315 --> 00:08:01,480
Not at all, I was kicking you
in the gonads.

152
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:05,174
Thanks, I'm awake now. Ow!

153
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,440
What do you want, Branson?

154
00:08:07,475 --> 00:08:08,674
I came to offer you a deal.

155
00:08:08,675 --> 00:08:13,440
If I can inflate your habitat,
can I be your bubble buddy?

156
00:08:13,475 --> 00:08:17,715
I haven't had oxygen in 15 minutes.
I'm open to suggestions.

157
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,514
As an old hand at the balloon game,

158
00:08:22,515 --> 00:08:27,440
I always carry some emergency gas
in case I need to reinflate.

159
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,440
Right, then. Forgot it was helium.
Sherry?

160
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,440
I must warn you, it's quite dry.

161
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,184
OK, so you say you're a lawyer?

162
00:08:47,219 --> 00:08:50,440
Yeah. Got my business card
right here.

163
00:08:50,475 --> 00:08:52,640
But you have been to law school?

164
00:08:52,675 --> 00:08:56,480
I've been to school,
and I've had run-ins with the law.

165
00:08:56,515 --> 00:08:58,440
Great, you're a judge.

166
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,440
New James Bond auditions.
Adele, take one.

167
00:09:05,155 --> 00:09:06,474
What's my fucking name?

168
00:09:06,475 --> 00:09:08,440
It's Bond, innit?
James fucking Bond.

169
00:09:08,475 --> 00:09:11,440
This is mental, innit, oh, my God,
d'you know what I mean?

170
00:09:11,475 --> 00:09:15,440
- ♪ Skyfall... ♪
- Cut.

171
00:09:15,475 --> 00:09:16,474
Come in!

172
00:09:16,475 --> 00:09:19,440
Coats in the spare bedrooms,
babies in the playpen.

173
00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:22,440
I, Ronaldo, am happy to be here.

174
00:09:22,475 --> 00:09:26,440
Everybody remember to sign
your non-nondisclosure agreement.

175
00:09:26,475 --> 00:09:29,440
Nothing that happens at this party
stays at this party.

176
00:09:29,475 --> 00:09:31,440
Great shindig, Meg.

177
00:09:31,475 --> 00:09:33,440
Even the star of Tiger King is here.

178
00:09:35,155 --> 00:09:38,099
Does anyone smell goat cheese?

179
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,440
Canape? You stay.

180
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,440
Lee, we are going to be late
for the climate strike.

181
00:09:45,475 --> 00:09:48,440
We are going to lie down
in front of a police van.

182
00:09:48,475 --> 00:09:50,440
Yeah, I thought I'd lie down
on the sofa.

183
00:09:50,475 --> 00:09:55,440
The only way to avoid future
suffering is to suffer right now.

184
00:09:55,475 --> 00:09:57,440
But The Fast And The Furious
Presents Hobbs And Shaw

185
00:09:57,475 --> 00:09:59,440
is on right now.
It's got The Rock in it.

186
00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:02,440
The Fast And The Furious films
celebrate everything

187
00:10:02,475 --> 00:10:05,960
I despise about what mankind
is doing to the planet.

188
00:10:05,995 --> 00:10:08,440
Well, that's probably why
you should go on your climate strike

189
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:10,440
and I should stay in
and watch the telly.

190
00:10:10,475 --> 00:10:12,440
We should share
each other's interests.

191
00:10:12,475 --> 00:10:15,440
You should want to come
to the climate strike.

192
00:10:15,475 --> 00:10:19,011
Yeah, or you could stay
and watch Hobbs and Shaw.

193
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,440
- OK. I will.
- You will?

194
00:10:22,475 --> 00:10:25,960
And I will explain to you
why you should hate it.

195
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,800
OK, did you ever do anything bad

196
00:10:29,835 --> 00:10:32,440
that would prevent you
from being a judge?

197
00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:35,440
Well, I did disown my gay son
on Twitter.

198
00:10:35,475 --> 00:10:37,440
No, no, we know you're qualified,

199
00:10:37,475 --> 00:10:40,474
- I mean, like, did you ever kill someone?
- No.

200
00:10:40,475 --> 00:10:43,440
Oh, wait, yes. Yes, I have.

201
00:10:43,475 --> 00:10:46,440
- Were you standing your ground?
- I was standing on the ground.

202
00:10:46,475 --> 00:10:50,440
Well, you gotta stand some place.
You're a judge!

203
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,514
- Order up, Nelly.
- Is that my Western omelette?

204
00:10:57,515 --> 00:11:00,440
Regionally nonspecific omelette.

205
00:11:00,475 --> 00:11:02,440
Breakfasts are inclusive
around here.

206
00:11:02,475 --> 00:11:03,474
OK, next order.

207
00:11:03,475 --> 00:11:06,440
What the hell is
a "we gotta go, Joe"?

208
00:11:06,475 --> 00:11:09,480
It's time to go! You've been
working here for two days!

209
00:11:09,515 --> 00:11:11,440
You've locked down
all the votes in this town

210
00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:14,440
- on the strength of your pancakes alone.
- Pancakes?

211
00:11:14,475 --> 00:11:16,440
What the hell kinda
high-hat bullshit it is that?

212
00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:18,440
I make the food of the working man...

213
00:11:18,475 --> 00:11:21,440
griddle flaps, batter bread,
Delaware Dollars.

214
00:11:21,475 --> 00:11:24,480
Now git!
José, hash up a load of fry-spuds.

215
00:11:24,515 --> 00:11:28,440
The man you keep mistakenly calling
José was laid off.

216
00:11:28,475 --> 00:11:29,474
You took his job!

217
00:11:29,475 --> 00:11:31,440
A lot of problems
with the American labour market.

218
00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:35,440
Sure hope the next President
can get a handle on that issue.

219
00:11:35,475 --> 00:11:38,440
Joe, you can cook breakfast
when you're in the White House.

220
00:11:38,475 --> 00:11:40,440
Hey, maybe I like it here, man.

221
00:11:40,475 --> 00:11:42,440
Maybe I just wanna help people
face-to-face,

222
00:11:42,475 --> 00:11:45,440
see their smiles
and smell their burps.

223
00:11:45,475 --> 00:11:47,440
You're supposed to be
at a fundraising dinner

224
00:11:47,475 --> 00:11:50,440
in California tomorrow.
Can't you say something?

225
00:11:50,475 --> 00:11:53,676
Hold the fundraiser here.
This ranchero bean scramble

226
00:11:53,724 --> 00:11:55,834
- is delicious.
- Thanks, pal.

227
00:11:55,835 --> 00:11:59,440
OK, a Trucker Special?
That's an 18-egger!

228
00:11:59,475 --> 00:12:02,440
Dang it, Millie,
I told you we needed more eggs.

229
00:12:02,475 --> 00:12:04,440
Do I have to do everything myself?

230
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,440
Oh, look what you made me do.

231
00:12:12,475 --> 00:12:14,440
Look what you just made me do.

232
00:12:14,475 --> 00:12:19,440
- Hey, that could be a song.
- Yes, but not a good one.

233
00:12:19,475 --> 00:12:21,640
Can I have your attention, please?

234
00:12:21,675 --> 00:12:23,440
I'm so glad
you all came to join me

235
00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:26,440
in the celebration
of the motherhood lifestyle.

236
00:12:26,475 --> 00:12:28,640
So help me welcome
the guest of honour,

237
00:12:28,675 --> 00:12:32,440
my darling baby Meg-Goo Ankle Serum.

238
00:12:32,475 --> 00:12:35,440
Are your ankles dry and chafed
from athleisure pants?

239
00:12:35,475 --> 00:12:38,046
- No more.
- Ah...

240
00:12:38,046 --> 00:12:39,817
Don't worry.
There are some in your gift bags

241
00:12:39,817 --> 00:12:42,440
along with rubs, scrubs
and an exfoliating butt chutney.

242
00:12:42,475 --> 00:12:45,960
Grab one on the way out. See you.

243
00:12:45,995 --> 00:12:47,919
Wait. We were told birthday party.

244
00:12:47,999 --> 00:12:50,440
When do we sing
Happy Birthday song?

245
00:12:50,475 --> 00:12:52,529
- I demand to see the birthday boy.
- Huh?

246
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:56,440
- I don't see him. Archie!
- Check the playpen.

247
00:12:58,475 --> 00:13:00,440
You!

248
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,440
Daddy's coming!

249
00:13:03,475 --> 00:13:05,120
Looking for your kid?

250
00:13:05,155 --> 00:13:07,640
He wandered over to my house,
got into my sneaker room.

251
00:13:07,675 --> 00:13:10,440
He got pretty hyped up
on Nike fumes.

252
00:13:10,475 --> 00:13:13,440
I got him some milk
and let him climb on the ficus.

253
00:13:13,475 --> 00:13:15,440
So, this so-called
celebrator of motherhood

254
00:13:15,475 --> 00:13:17,440
didn't even know
where her own child was.

255
00:13:17,475 --> 00:13:19,440
Teigen is so gonna drag you for this.

256
00:13:19,475 --> 00:13:21,440
Now, everybody fucking sing.

257
00:13:21,475 --> 00:13:24,440
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

258
00:13:24,475 --> 00:13:28,305
<i>♪ Happy birthday dear Archie ♪</i>

259
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,440
Car so fast.

260
00:13:33,475 --> 00:13:35,440
So thrilling.

261
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:42,440
I'm The Rock.
Everything about me is thrilling.

262
00:13:42,475 --> 00:13:46,440
Oh. I always thought exhaust
fumes smelled horrible.

263
00:13:46,475 --> 00:13:50,440
But with you,
they smell like Lynx Africa.

264
00:13:50,475 --> 00:13:52,440
No, I'm wearing Lynx Africa.

265
00:13:52,475 --> 00:13:55,440
This is wrong,
but it feels so right.

266
00:13:55,475 --> 00:13:59,440
Well, you know what they say about
men with big carbon footprints.

267
00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:02,440
They have big
carbon offsetting schemes?

268
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,440
No. They have big cars.

269
00:14:05,475 --> 00:14:08,440
Oh, The Rock,
I hope this goes on forever.

270
00:14:08,475 --> 00:14:11,440
Well, this movie franchise seems to.

271
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:15,440
Oh, Dwayne, so fast, so fabulous!

272
00:14:15,475 --> 00:14:17,791
- Ah!
- What's that, Greta?

273
00:14:17,826 --> 00:14:20,440
Oh, Lee, I've done something awful.

274
00:14:20,475 --> 00:14:23,440
Falling asleep watching Jason
Statham? Everyone does that.

275
00:14:23,475 --> 00:14:26,440
No. We must go
to the climate strike now

276
00:14:26,475 --> 00:14:29,440
and lie down
in front of two police vans.

277
00:14:29,475 --> 00:14:32,800
- Oh, gawd help us.
- Lee, I'm glad I'm back.

278
00:14:32,835 --> 00:14:36,120
But have you ever thought
about taking steroids?

279
00:14:36,155 --> 00:14:38,280
Huh?

280
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:43,541
Now, supposing you were
judging a case about, say,

281
00:14:43,576 --> 00:14:46,640
Donald Trump,
would you be susceptible to bribes?

282
00:14:46,675 --> 00:14:48,440
Cash or OxyContin?

283
00:14:48,475 --> 00:14:51,440
OK, even I can't do this.

284
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,440
Yeah, I can.
You're a judge.

285
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,960
Mitch, those courts
still aren't packed enough.

286
00:15:01,995 --> 00:15:04,120
Well, I've done all I could.

287
00:15:04,155 --> 00:15:06,440
There is not one human being
left in America.

288
00:15:06,475 --> 00:15:10,440
That's not what I'm hearing.
Send in the Rube.

289
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:16,425
But, sir, that's just a raw,
oozing mass of anger and beer.

290
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:19,440
The perfect Republican judge.

291
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,800
Now, that's the kind of courthouse
I want to see.

292
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:27,440
<i>Open carry. States' rights.
Traditional marriage.</i>

293
00:15:27,475 --> 00:15:29,480
<i>- Secretly gay!
- Ah.</i>

294
00:15:29,515 --> 00:15:32,217
My legacy.

295
00:15:32,475 --> 00:15:35,440
Mah!
Normally we'd go to the Maldives,

296
00:15:35,475 --> 00:15:37,440
but 'cos of COVID we're staycationing

297
00:15:37,475 --> 00:15:39,440
and David's booked us
a week in Blackpool.

298
00:15:39,475 --> 00:15:42,440
And do you know what?
It's fucking horrible.

299
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,440
- Oh, El.
- Shut up, David!

300
00:15:44,475 --> 00:15:45,875
Mah!

301
00:15:48,475 --> 00:15:51,440
I can't believe
I got so wrapped up in my own brand

302
00:15:51,475 --> 00:15:55,440
- I forgot about Archie.
- It's not your fault.

303
00:15:55,475 --> 00:15:57,440
And it will never happen again.

304
00:15:57,475 --> 00:16:00,116
- Found him again.
- Thanks, LeBron.

305
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,440
So, you come crawling back
to Bezos looking for help?

306
00:16:05,475 --> 00:16:09,440
"Oh, Mars is so inhospitable."

307
00:16:09,475 --> 00:16:12,440
I'm just saying we should do
what the 1% always does.

308
00:16:12,475 --> 00:16:14,440
Look out for ourselves
at the expense of everyone else.

309
00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:16,440
The sun is about to set.

310
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:19,440
If we don't find shelter,
it's Branson go bye-bye.

311
00:16:19,475 --> 00:16:21,440
And Branson
don't want to go bye-bye.

312
00:16:21,475 --> 00:16:25,440
It'll be fine. We can survive
in my ship's cargo sacs.

313
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,440
My God, Bezos, you went and did it.

314
00:16:28,475 --> 00:16:31,440
You sent a dick pic to Mars.

315
00:16:31,475 --> 00:16:35,440
I'm the first man on the planet
to forward it to everyone.

316
00:16:35,475 --> 00:16:39,169
Our civilization has officially begun.

317
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:48,440
Brad, how good of you to come
all the way to Nebraska for this.

318
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:51,120
Yeah, if anyone asks, that's my
private jet blocking the dumpster.

319
00:16:51,155 --> 00:16:53,440
What's this I hear about Biden
becoming a short-order cook?

320
00:16:53,475 --> 00:16:55,440
Order up, Hungry Man Special.

321
00:16:55,475 --> 00:16:58,440
Um, he's addressing
the national crisis of...

322
00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:01,856
- male hunger.
- Where's my eggs over-Yeezy?

323
00:17:01,891 --> 00:17:04,103
I ordered them
like five damn minutes ago.

324
00:17:04,103 --> 00:17:07,440
Kanye, I thought you were
running for president yourself?

325
00:17:07,475 --> 00:17:10,280
Yeah, but I love crazy good food.

326
00:17:10,315 --> 00:17:12,440
Also, I bought
this part of Nebraska. Feel me?

327
00:17:12,475 --> 00:17:16,109
I... I think so, yes.

328
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,440
Great job, Joe.
The house is packed.

329
00:17:19,475 --> 00:17:21,800
And this is
a $20,000-a-plate fundraiser.

330
00:17:21,835 --> 00:17:24,440
Wait, you're telling me
I gotta make

331
00:17:24,475 --> 00:17:26,440
$20,000 worth of food per plate?

332
00:17:26,475 --> 00:17:28,440
Hell, I only charge
a nickel an omelette.

333
00:17:28,475 --> 00:17:31,120
No, no,
they don't care about the food.

334
00:17:31,155 --> 00:17:33,698
- They just want to help you out.
- Horse shit.

335
00:17:33,733 --> 00:17:36,280
Value for money
is what Uncle Omelet's about.

336
00:17:36,315 --> 00:17:37,800
Step aside.

337
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,120
Ow!

338
00:17:43,475 --> 00:17:46,440
Argh!

339
00:17:46,475 --> 00:17:48,440
Millie, fryer needs more grease.

340
00:17:48,475 --> 00:17:49,514
It's already passed the fill line.

341
00:17:49,515 --> 00:17:52,440
It needs more, man. More.

342
00:17:52,475 --> 00:17:54,440
Come on.

343
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,440
Hey, buddy, I'm back.

344
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,440
Got my Winston pillow.

345
00:18:07,475 --> 00:18:09,440
Nap time. What the...?

346
00:18:09,475 --> 00:18:12,280
Zow-zow-zow-zow-zow...

347
00:18:12,315 --> 00:18:14,440
- Dominic...
- Excuse me, Prime Minister.

348
00:18:14,475 --> 00:18:16,440
I borrowed your sex toy.

349
00:18:16,475 --> 00:18:19,120
It's a vacuum cleaner,
and a jolly good one.

350
00:18:19,155 --> 00:18:21,120
I won't have it treated disrespectfully.

351
00:18:21,155 --> 00:18:25,214
I'm sorry,
but it's been so long since I left

352
00:18:25,215 --> 00:18:28,477
the tentacled sexlings
of Pleasure Planet Ovid 9

353
00:18:28,478 --> 00:18:30,440
in the galaxy of Cygnus Alpha...

354
00:18:30,475 --> 00:18:33,440
I mean, my lovely
wife Mary in Islington.

355
00:18:33,475 --> 00:18:35,440
Well, it's just not on, Dom.

356
00:18:35,475 --> 00:18:38,440
I expect certain standards
of professional conduct.

357
00:18:38,475 --> 00:18:41,440
Let's see if we can find you
a girl in my little black book.

358
00:18:41,475 --> 00:18:45,440
- But how would I woo a girl?
- Well, what do you normally do?

359
00:18:45,475 --> 00:18:48,440
Present an offering of blood meal
for the growth of the larvae.

360
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,440
- Well, I suppose that's Durham for you.
- Oh, yes, Durham.

361
00:18:51,475 --> 00:18:54,957
Not Epsilon 5.
How have you been so successful

362
00:18:54,958 --> 00:18:57,133
with your many, many, many women?

363
00:18:57,168 --> 00:18:59,593
Well, ruffle their hair,
chuck in a bit of Latin,

364
00:18:59,628 --> 00:19:01,640
then sit back
and wait for the paternity suit.

365
00:19:01,675 --> 00:19:04,640
Fascinating.
I will execute your strategy.

366
00:19:04,675 --> 00:19:09,440
May Zargon devour your enemies.
I mean, tatty-bye.

367
00:19:09,475 --> 00:19:11,440
Hi, it's me, Melania Trump.

368
00:19:11,475 --> 00:19:15,440
Donald has asked me to tell you
how much I love being First Lady.

369
00:19:15,475 --> 00:19:18,440
- And tell them how big my penis is.
- Yes, yes.

370
00:19:18,475 --> 00:19:21,440
The thing I love most is organising

371
00:19:21,475 --> 00:19:23,440
the White House
Christmas celebration.

372
00:19:23,475 --> 00:19:26,440
Ignore what I said on those
silly leaked audio tapes.

373
00:19:26,475 --> 00:19:28,440
I don't think it's a shit job at all.

374
00:19:28,475 --> 00:19:32,120
To prove it, I'm going to sing
some Christmas carols.

375
00:19:32,155 --> 00:19:35,120
And the Secret Service
found some kids to help.

376
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,440
<i>♪ Away in a Manger ♪</i>

377
00:19:41,475 --> 00:19:44,440
<i>♪ No crib for a bed... ♪</i>

378
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,440
No, it's no good.

379
00:19:46,475 --> 00:19:49,440
They will say my husband
locks kids away with no beds.

380
00:19:49,475 --> 00:19:51,440
Next song.

381
00:19:51,475 --> 00:19:57,425
<i>♪ Chestnuts cooking
On a burning fire... ♪</i>

382
00:19:57,475 --> 00:20:00,440
No, stop.
California on fire.

383
00:20:00,475 --> 00:20:03,440
Everyone blames my husband
for shit climate.

384
00:20:03,475 --> 00:20:05,440
I hate Christmas so much!

385
00:20:05,475 --> 00:20:07,440
I hate being First Wife.

386
00:20:07,475 --> 00:20:10,280
Please, God, don't let
my husband get re-elected.

387
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,440
Don't you dare leak this video.

388
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,717
Mrs Merkel is here. Prime Minister!

389
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,440
Zow-zow-zow-zow-zow...

390
00:20:22,475 --> 00:20:25,440
And to think I was going to make
a concession on fishing rights.

391
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:27,372
Ejaculatus!

392
00:20:27,373 --> 00:20:29,440
- Eurgh!
- Urgh.

393
00:20:29,475 --> 00:20:33,440
Groovy place. Takes me back
to Carnaby Street in the '70s.

394
00:20:33,475 --> 00:20:35,440
Little did I imagine then

395
00:20:35,475 --> 00:20:38,280
that someday I'd be living
in a Martian ball sac

396
00:20:38,315 --> 00:20:39,674
with my two best friends.

397
00:20:39,675 --> 00:20:42,440
I don't know whether it's the weed

398
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:45,268
or the lack of oxygen,
but this is all right.

399
00:20:45,303 --> 00:20:48,440
Yo, homies, someone
break out the munchies.

400
00:20:48,475 --> 00:20:51,440
That's you, Branson.
You're the in-flight snack guy.

401
00:20:51,475 --> 00:20:53,440
Ah, well...

402
00:20:53,475 --> 00:20:55,440
our brochures exaggerated
our snack capability

403
00:20:55,475 --> 00:20:58,480
and that we had in any way
a working rocket.

404
00:20:58,515 --> 00:21:01,356
So we have no food?
No potatoes to plant?

405
00:21:01,391 --> 00:21:05,960
- Or fungus farms? Or soylent slurry?
- Wait! I've got some seeds.

406
00:21:05,995 --> 00:21:08,440
Then we're in business.
Plant those puppies.

407
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:11,120
Then we'll each squat out
a measure of fertiliser.

408
00:21:11,155 --> 00:21:12,601
Perfect.

409
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,440
I feel sorry for Earth to have
lost three geniuses such as us.

410
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:19,440
Yes, indeed, so are we gonna talk
or make poo pot?

411
00:21:19,475 --> 00:21:21,440
Pants down, gentlemen.

412
00:21:21,475 --> 00:21:23,440
Let's get to work.

413
00:21:25,475 --> 00:21:28,440
New James Bond auditions.
The Queen. Take one.

414
00:21:28,475 --> 00:21:33,440
One's name is Bond.
James Bond.

415
00:21:33,475 --> 00:21:37,440
- Cut. It's "My name..."
- It is? Oh.

416
00:21:37,475 --> 00:21:39,440
Delighted to meet you, Mr Bond.

417
00:21:39,475 --> 00:21:44,440
- No, you say, "My name is..."
- Oh. My name is Windsor.

418
00:21:44,475 --> 00:21:49,440
Elizabeth Alexandra
Mary Saxe-Coburg Gotham...

419
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:52,391
- That's all for today.
- Oh, no, it isn't.

420
00:21:54,324 --> 00:21:55,936
Hmm!