1
00:00:14,660 --> 00:00:18,600
We did it, guys!
24 hours of workout to help kids.
2
00:00:18,635 --> 00:00:22,120
I am feeling so awesome.
I could do another 24.
3
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:25,600
24 more hours of positive,
positive, positive energy.
4
00:00:25,635 --> 00:00:27,960
Pudgely the Bear,
are you ready to keep going?
5
00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:29,600
Awesome! High steps!
6
00:00:29,635 --> 00:00:32,640
Burpees, fast feet,
positive, positive, positive!
7
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:40,600
Dom, this is bloody serious,
gravitas maximus.
8
00:00:40,635 --> 00:00:43,120
You've jolly well burnt
your crumpets this time.
9
00:00:43,155 --> 00:00:45,600
Oh, really? Let me guess.
10
00:00:45,635 --> 00:00:48,600
You have qualms about my proposal
to compost asylum seekers
11
00:00:48,635 --> 00:00:50,600
and spread them over
the fruit trees of Kent?
12
00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:54,280
No, that's in the next manifesto.
It's far worse.
13
00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:57,120
You let Carrie find out
our nickname for her.
14
00:00:57,155 --> 00:00:58,600
You mean Baroness Batshit
15
00:00:58,635 --> 00:01:00,600
knows we've been calling her
Princess Nut Nut?
16
00:01:00,635 --> 00:01:04,280
Yes, Countess Cabbage Brain
found out
17
00:01:04,315 --> 00:01:06,600
and she's made it very clear
that she wants you gone.
18
00:01:06,635 --> 00:01:10,600
Oh, she's exploited
your feeble-minded weakness
19
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:13,600
- and that's my job.
- Sorry, Dom, I'm a man of principle
20
00:01:13,635 --> 00:01:17,604
and that principle is bonking
who I want... when I want.
21
00:01:17,635 --> 00:01:21,600
Yet, thanks to you,
I've been blueballed till Christmas,
22
00:01:21,635 --> 00:01:23,035
so push off!
23
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,600
Fine. I was going to leave
by Christmas anyway...
24
00:01:30,635 --> 00:01:32,600
according to the blog I just wrote.
25
00:01:32,635 --> 00:01:35,600
I'll just take my things
and leave by the front door
26
00:01:35,635 --> 00:01:38,490
in case I've tipped off
any photographers.
27
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,600
What's that noise?
28
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,960
It's just my snack for the road.
29
00:01:43,995 --> 00:01:47,600
That's my baby!
Are you planning to eat it?
30
00:01:47,635 --> 00:01:49,960
Oh, so now that's wrong
all of a sudden!
31
00:01:49,995 --> 00:01:53,600
Of course it's wrong,
you bug-headed bigglewimp!
32
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,600
Fine, you "liberal".
33
00:01:55,635 --> 00:01:59,440
Instead I shall feast on all
the brilliant and disruptive ideas
34
00:01:59,475 --> 00:02:01,600
I stuck inside your empty head.
35
00:02:11,296 --> 00:02:14,600
Oh!
36
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,600
Wherever you go,
I will be right there
37
00:02:22,635 --> 00:02:23,994
breathing down your neck.
38
00:02:23,995 --> 00:02:26,600
Do you hear me, you piece of shit?
39
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,877
Hey, listen. Ha!
I just want you to know that
40
00:02:31,878 --> 00:02:33,600
I will also be there for you always
41
00:02:33,635 --> 00:02:37,120
on an emotional level, ha!
Big time! Wow!
42
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:42,600
I don't want a new partner.
I don't need a new partner.
43
00:02:42,635 --> 00:02:43,634
I work alone.
44
00:02:43,635 --> 00:02:47,600
Look, this guy is unorthodox,
but they say he gets results.
45
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:50,120
Guten morgen.
I am making everyone
46
00:02:50,155 --> 00:02:53,600
what we in Germany call
"the hello cake"
47
00:02:53,635 --> 00:02:55,280
for my new colleagues!
48
00:02:55,315 --> 00:02:58,120
And for you,
my misunderstood friend,
49
00:02:58,155 --> 00:03:02,600
a nice big piece
once I take off these handcuffs.
50
00:03:02,635 --> 00:03:04,600
Wow, look at his footwork!
51
00:03:04,635 --> 00:03:06,600
What speed! Fantastic!
52
00:03:11,635 --> 00:03:14,600
Shots fired, in pursuit.
14th and Main.
53
00:03:14,635 --> 00:03:16,600
'Kin' hell, mate,
put your foot down.
54
00:03:16,635 --> 00:03:19,600
I am thinking we are setting
a great example
55
00:03:19,635 --> 00:03:22,600
by keeping to the speed limit,
you know? Positive reinforcement.
56
00:03:22,635 --> 00:03:24,600
Amazing!
57
00:03:24,635 --> 00:03:27,600
But the Albanian's getting away
with two tonnes of cocaine.
58
00:03:27,635 --> 00:03:30,163
- They kidnapped Paris Hilton.
- Ah, for sure,
59
00:03:30,198 --> 00:03:32,600
but maybe we just have to
accept this and move on.
60
00:03:32,635 --> 00:03:35,600
Wow! Fantastic!
61
00:03:41,635 --> 00:03:43,600
So, what's our final strategy
for Brexit?
62
00:03:43,635 --> 00:03:44,634
Pudding.
63
00:03:44,635 --> 00:03:47,800
- And COVID?
- Titties.
64
00:03:47,835 --> 00:03:51,276
This is great!
The old Boris is back!
65
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,280
Are you sure you want to watch
the new season of The Crown
66
00:04:00,315 --> 00:04:01,634
with "she who must not be named"?
67
00:04:01,635 --> 00:04:06,280
I just hope that this year,
the actors actually look like us.
68
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,600
Oh, Camilla,
it's always been you.
69
00:04:14,315 --> 00:04:18,280
- Jolly close.
- Yes, indeed.
70
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,600
Not bad, and I should know.
Once, when I was stuck in a balloon,
71
00:04:29,635 --> 00:04:31,600
I ate nothing but toes for three days.
72
00:04:31,635 --> 00:04:33,600
- Hello!
- Oprah?!
73
00:04:33,635 --> 00:04:35,600
You're on Mars too?
74
00:04:35,635 --> 00:04:37,600
Don't tell me you boys
are eating each other?
75
00:04:37,635 --> 00:04:40,600
Just some chums gassing around.
76
00:04:40,635 --> 00:04:44,600
Well, maybe you'd like some
fresh vegetables to go with dinner.
77
00:04:44,635 --> 00:04:46,800
What is this? A poo-cumber?
78
00:04:46,835 --> 00:04:49,600
No, silly, they're fresh
from my garden.
79
00:04:51,635 --> 00:04:53,600
How the hell did you get to Mars?
80
00:04:53,635 --> 00:04:56,440
My driver brought me.
I've got summer homes everywhere.
81
00:04:56,475 --> 00:04:59,800
Anyway, eat up, it's only a third
of the Earth's gravity here
82
00:04:59,835 --> 00:05:01,600
so calories don't count.
83
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:05,600
Do you know what this means?
We can go home!
84
00:05:05,635 --> 00:05:09,600
Lord Oprah!
Can you please make me whole first?
85
00:05:09,635 --> 00:05:12,600
I can't put your arm back,
but I can do better
86
00:05:12,635 --> 00:05:15,511
with festive harvest corn.
87
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,600
Craft day!
88
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,800
For the first time in decades,
89
00:05:26,835 --> 00:05:29,600
Scotland has qualified for
a major football tournament.
90
00:05:29,635 --> 00:05:33,120
- It's fan-dabby-dozey.
- Aye, First Minister.
91
00:05:33,155 --> 00:05:35,600
How do we handle the game
against England?
92
00:05:35,635 --> 00:05:36,834
Well, one thing's for sure,
93
00:05:36,835 --> 00:05:39,600
I won't be like Boris
and use it as an excuse
94
00:05:39,635 --> 00:05:41,600
for flag-waving nationalism.
95
00:05:41,635 --> 00:05:43,600
Only 2-0 down at half-time.
96
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,600
I declare a referendum!
97
00:05:45,635 --> 00:05:50,035
- I knew devolution was a bad idea.
- Glasgow kiss!
98
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,600
Ed Sheeran, Billie Eilish, Grimes.
99
00:05:55,635 --> 00:05:57,800
Three of the world's
wildest pop stars
100
00:05:57,835 --> 00:06:00,440
travelling together on one tour bus.
101
00:06:00,475 --> 00:06:02,800
Our cameras were there
to capture the carnage
102
00:06:02,835 --> 00:06:05,600
on Access All Areas.
103
00:06:05,635 --> 00:06:09,600
Day one and the tension
is already rising.
104
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,960
You drank my almond milk.
105
00:06:11,995 --> 00:06:13,600
I didn't know it was yours.
106
00:06:13,635 --> 00:06:17,600
Mine has a tarantula on it.
Sorry.
107
00:06:17,635 --> 00:06:19,640
Why don't we just buy
two almond milks?
108
00:06:19,675 --> 00:06:21,600
That's a good idea.
109
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,600
Day three and it's mayhem.
110
00:06:26,635 --> 00:06:28,600
Ed, is it true you threw a TV
out of the window?
111
00:06:28,635 --> 00:06:31,600
Actually, it wasn't a TV,
it was a TV guide
112
00:06:31,635 --> 00:06:34,600
and I didn't throw it,
I put it in the recycling bin.
113
00:06:34,635 --> 00:06:37,600
You've got a recycling bin
on a tour bus?
114
00:06:37,635 --> 00:06:39,414
We've got four. Blue for paper,
115
00:06:39,415 --> 00:06:42,600
- green for plastics...
- OK, fine, cut.
116
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,600
Day four and things
are about to get spicy.
117
00:06:47,635 --> 00:06:48,634
- Oi-oi!
- H-hey!
118
00:06:48,635 --> 00:06:51,600
Oh, here we go.
119
00:06:51,635 --> 00:06:54,600
Whoa, is Ed with a groupie?
120
00:06:54,635 --> 00:06:56,600
No, that's his accounting tutor.
121
00:06:56,635 --> 00:06:58,600
He's taking his exams
at the end of May.
122
00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,600
Accounting?
123
00:07:00,635 --> 00:07:02,600
It's good to have something
to fall back on.
124
00:07:02,635 --> 00:07:04,280
I got the idea from Lady Gaga.
125
00:07:04,315 --> 00:07:06,600
She's training to be
a dental hygienist.
126
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,035
Fuck's sake!
127
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:14,600
And what would a tour bus be without
a little chemical assistance?
128
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,600
What is it? Ecstasy? Ket?
129
00:07:16,635 --> 00:07:19,600
Vitamin D.
Really good for the immune system.
130
00:07:19,635 --> 00:07:22,800
So pure.
Whole Foods do really good shit.
131
00:07:22,835 --> 00:07:25,640
I'm so focused, I might do a sudoku.
132
00:07:25,675 --> 00:07:29,600
Are any of you ever gonna do
anything fucking interesting?
133
00:07:29,635 --> 00:07:30,994
Modern pop stars...
134
00:07:30,995 --> 00:07:33,800
focused, middle class and tedious.
135
00:07:33,835 --> 00:07:36,600
- I passed my accountant exam.
- Oh, that's awesome.
136
00:07:36,635 --> 00:07:39,120
Way to go. Congrats.
137
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,600
Mr Hancock,
you're the first minister
138
00:07:46,635 --> 00:07:49,600
to appear on Good Morning Britain
in over 200 days.
139
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:53,617
- Well, thank you for the chance to...
- There's one question
140
00:07:53,618 --> 00:07:57,600
the nation needs answering,
just how important am I?
141
00:07:57,635 --> 00:08:00,600
- I'm sorry?
- It's a simple question.
142
00:08:00,635 --> 00:08:04,120
If one is bloody important
and ten is more important than God,
143
00:08:04,155 --> 00:08:07,600
- how important am I?
- I don't have those numbers.
144
00:08:07,635 --> 00:08:09,600
Is it nine? Is it higher than nine?
145
00:08:09,635 --> 00:08:11,600
9.5?
146
00:08:11,635 --> 00:08:14,640
A bit more important than
oxygen? Are you serious?
147
00:08:14,675 --> 00:08:16,640
No-one's ever called me that.
148
00:08:16,675 --> 00:08:18,600
OK, let me ask you something else.
149
00:08:18,635 --> 00:08:21,600
Just how big do you think
my willy is?
150
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,600
The Zoom link is breaking up.
151
00:08:23,635 --> 00:08:25,600
You're not on Zoom!
How big?
152
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:28,600
I'm gonna restart the connection!
Mum!
153
00:08:28,635 --> 00:08:33,600
Next, I'll be interviewing a
true legend of broadcasting, me!
154
00:08:33,635 --> 00:08:35,600
- I bloody love you!
- Snowflake!
155
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,600
I'm David Attenborough.
156
00:08:39,635 --> 00:08:43,600
Lately, I've had a few
social media fails
157
00:08:43,635 --> 00:08:46,600
and I'm afraid I've used some
rather uncouth language
158
00:08:46,635 --> 00:08:47,634
for which I apologise.
159
00:08:47,635 --> 00:08:51,600
From now on, I promise to laugh
at these little failures
160
00:08:51,635 --> 00:08:53,600
like a grown man should.
161
00:08:53,635 --> 00:08:56,440
No-one can see you unless
you flip the camera!
162
00:08:56,475 --> 00:09:00,600
Oh! Silly me.
I've cocked it up again.
163
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,600
There, look, you can finally see me
164
00:09:04,635 --> 00:09:07,600
as I smash this stupid
fucking piece of...
165
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,280
Ah! Cristiano!
166
00:09:13,315 --> 00:09:14,634
I thought I saw you rampaging
167
00:09:14,635 --> 00:09:16,600
through my caviar
and cheesy Wotsits.
168
00:09:16,635 --> 00:09:21,060
Yes, I love the fruits of the sea,
caviar, sushi,
169
00:09:21,095 --> 00:09:24,120
lobster, and OK,
the occasional whale.
170
00:09:24,155 --> 00:09:26,600
Oh!
Expensive tastes.
171
00:09:26,635 --> 00:09:29,617
Better watch yourself
or you'll end up a fat,
172
00:09:29,618 --> 00:09:32,600
broke footballer
running a pub in Ipswich!
173
00:09:35,635 --> 00:09:37,600
I needed three kegs
of Stella yesterday!
174
00:09:37,635 --> 00:09:40,600
No, Carling is not the same!
It's mouse piss!
175
00:09:40,635 --> 00:09:43,280
Cris, the cat's been
at the fish pies again.
176
00:09:43,315 --> 00:09:46,600
I told you before,
it's your cat, you pay for mess.
177
00:09:46,635 --> 00:09:50,600
- Right, I quit.
- No, no, I'm sorry.
178
00:09:50,635 --> 00:09:52,600
Don't. There's no other barmaid
for 30 miles!
179
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:56,600
No, there isn't. Which is why
I'm going out for a smoke.
180
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,600
Messi does it again.
181
00:10:03,635 --> 00:10:06,600
Still playing at almost 50!
182
00:10:06,635 --> 00:10:08,640
He wouldn't know a bacon
Frazzle from a Mini Cheddar!
183
00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:10,600
But enough about your dick!
184
00:10:13,635 --> 00:10:15,600
Oh, what a nightmare.
185
00:10:15,635 --> 00:10:17,600
No more Elton John caviar for me.
186
00:10:17,635 --> 00:10:22,100
- Cris, get me the bleach!
- No-o-o-o-o!
187
00:10:22,635 --> 00:10:24,600
Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern,
188
00:10:24,635 --> 00:10:27,120
I am delighted you have joined
China's trade bloc.
189
00:10:27,155 --> 00:10:30,600
Here's to a prosperous future
with no questions asked.
190
00:10:30,635 --> 00:10:34,600
We're just happy to sell clean,
healthy Australian coal.
191
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,440
Practically perfect people don't judge.
192
00:10:37,475 --> 00:10:40,400
We just sing.
Cue chimneys.
193
00:10:40,575 --> 00:10:43,440
♪ Jinping and me
Jinping and me ♪
194
00:10:43,475 --> 00:10:44,474
♪ We'll do the deal ♪
195
00:10:44,475 --> 00:10:48,440
♪ Who cares how the people
in Hong Kong might feel ♪
196
00:10:48,475 --> 00:10:50,120
♪ Jinping and me
Jinping and me ♪
197
00:10:50,155 --> 00:10:51,474
♪ What won't he buy? ♪
198
00:10:51,475 --> 00:10:55,440
♪ So sorry to the Uyghurs
We turned a blind eye. ♪
199
00:10:55,635 --> 00:10:57,600
Ow, Jacinda!
200
00:10:57,635 --> 00:11:00,600
Don't complain,
we need their laptops.
201
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,600
Admit the next candidate
for membership.
202
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,600
Good boy. Show me your hidey-hole.
203
00:11:11,635 --> 00:11:12,994
Oh, crocodile fuck!
204
00:11:12,995 --> 00:11:16,600
Oh, it's everything I imagined,
cloaks, a glowing skull,
205
00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:21,035
- a modest buffet in a coffin!
- Not for you.
206
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:22,994
Oh, please let me be a member.
207
00:11:22,995 --> 00:11:25,600
Look, I even made my own
pyramid hat.
208
00:11:25,635 --> 00:11:28,600
And one for my dog as well.
Isn't that fun?
209
00:11:28,635 --> 00:11:30,600
Your dog's already
in the Illuminati.
210
00:11:30,635 --> 00:11:32,600
Who do you think made you
Prime Minister?
211
00:11:32,635 --> 00:11:34,600
I've been running Britain
for centuries.
212
00:11:34,635 --> 00:11:38,283
- Well, dog centuries.
- I reject this candidate
213
00:11:38,318 --> 00:11:40,600
on the basis that I'm
the fat Englishman here.
214
00:11:40,635 --> 00:11:44,600
Then onto new business.
Sex rituals!
215
00:11:44,635 --> 00:11:46,600
Look, our dues are down,
we're way behind on pyramid rent,
216
00:11:46,635 --> 00:11:48,731
we have got to take somebody.
217
00:11:48,771 --> 00:11:52,600
So, you're in, Boris.
Just don't tell anybody.
218
00:11:52,635 --> 00:11:56,600
I would never reveal
this organisation's existence.
219
00:11:56,635 --> 00:11:58,960
We mean just don't tell anybody
you're in it.
220
00:11:58,995 --> 00:12:01,600
Is this a bad time?
221
00:12:01,635 --> 00:12:04,600
We have got to put a lock
on that door.
222
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,640
Worried you won't be seeing any more
of me and my great family?
223
00:12:10,675 --> 00:12:13,002
Don't be!
Because I'm launching
224
00:12:13,037 --> 00:12:17,120
the Trump TV network
with great, great shows like this.
225
00:12:17,155 --> 00:12:20,600
Late night talk show hosted by that
dynamo of energy and excitement,
226
00:12:20,635 --> 00:12:22,600
Jared Kushner!
227
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,600
Tonight's guest, Brad Pitt.
228
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,600
Hey, Jared.
So...
229
00:12:34,635 --> 00:12:36,600
Er...
230
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,035
Um...
what am I supposed to do here?
231
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:42,634
Hello.
232
00:12:42,635 --> 00:12:45,280
Yoo-hoo!
233
00:12:45,315 --> 00:12:47,600
Jared, you draw emotional
honesty out of me.
234
00:12:47,635 --> 00:12:50,600
It's like therapy.
235
00:12:52,635 --> 00:12:54,600
So, watch Trump TV!
236
00:12:54,635 --> 00:12:58,600
The first ten subscribers get
a gold toilet with my face on it.
237
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,600
Catholicism. Heard of her?
238
00:13:05,635 --> 00:13:09,600
Pomp, pageantry, attitude,
239
00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:12,120
and men wearing fabulous dresses!
240
00:13:12,155 --> 00:13:14,960
We call them papal vestments.
241
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,797
Nah.
Franny here is thinking it's time
242
00:13:16,798 --> 00:13:18,600
to retire and pass on his tiara.
243
00:13:18,635 --> 00:13:21,600
But how's he going to choose
a new Pope?
244
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:25,600
I want to engage younger people,
make them feel part of the fun.
245
00:13:25,635 --> 00:13:27,600
That's why he called me.
246
00:13:27,635 --> 00:13:30,704
If you want to choose
the next Vatican king,
247
00:13:30,739 --> 00:13:32,600
honey, you need a queen!
248
00:13:32,635 --> 00:13:36,600
♪ RuPaul's Pope Race
Start your engines ♪
249
00:13:36,635 --> 00:13:40,600
♪ RuPaul's Pope Race
May the best Catholic win! ♪
250
00:13:40,635 --> 00:13:43,600
First up, Angelo Scola,
251
00:13:43,635 --> 00:13:46,120
working a classic cardinal look.
252
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,440
I am giving you scarlet red,
scarlet fever,
253
00:13:50,475 --> 00:13:52,440
Scarlett Johansson.
254
00:13:52,475 --> 00:13:54,440
I am serving a statement necklace.
255
00:13:54,475 --> 00:13:58,440
And that statement is,
I feel papal as hell!
256
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,440
This queen's looking to
excommunicate the competition.
257
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,440
He's from Milano, right?
I love their cookies.
258
00:14:05,475 --> 00:14:07,440
Scola is a great scholar
259
00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:10,440
and a keen promoter
of inter-religious dialogue.
260
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,960
Next up, Brazilian cardinal,
Odilo Scherer.
261
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:18,120
Scherer?
I don't even know her.
262
00:14:18,155 --> 00:14:20,480
I am dusting the wrong way
in this black duster.
263
00:14:20,515 --> 00:14:24,440
Christian Dior said black
is essential to any wardrobe.
264
00:14:24,475 --> 00:14:25,960
I'm pretty sure he was Christian.
265
00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:29,440
It's like Reese Witherspoon,
classic, clean and no surprises.
266
00:14:29,475 --> 00:14:31,440
The Church has always been good
at cover-ups.
267
00:14:34,233 --> 00:14:36,960
Wow.
He just turned water into frosé.
268
00:14:36,995 --> 00:14:40,440
I thought this would be more
of a liturgical competition.
269
00:14:40,475 --> 00:14:44,440
Next up, His Eminence,
Timothy Dolan
270
00:14:44,475 --> 00:14:48,960
giving us body-ody-ody
in old school Vatican opulence.
271
00:14:48,995 --> 00:14:52,440
I am serving fish during Lent
with this look.
272
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,440
You know life begins at conception...
273
00:14:54,475 --> 00:14:56,440
of this outfit, bi-atch!
274
00:14:56,475 --> 00:15:00,440
Look at that egg on his head.
Someone's getting laid.
275
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,440
It's a small cock, but I like
what he's doing with it.
276
00:15:05,475 --> 00:15:08,440
- Ow.
- Ooh, mea so culpa.
277
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,440
I don't know what made that happen.
278
00:15:10,475 --> 00:15:13,440
Oh, Lord, humiliate my competition
279
00:15:13,475 --> 00:15:16,280
until I sit on that sweet
Pope throne.
280
00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:18,800
Hey, you can't pray in here,
that's cheating.
281
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:21,640
Babes, have you cheated on me?
282
00:15:21,675 --> 00:15:24,474
- Are you shagging someone else?
- No!
283
00:15:24,475 --> 00:15:28,069
Well, get on with it,
I need to write a new album! Ha!
284
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,440
Friends, I've called you here today
285
00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:35,440
because of a problem that affects
286
00:15:35,475 --> 00:15:38,440
all of us
simple Wyoming ranch owners,
287
00:15:38,475 --> 00:15:40,440
Gwyneth, Brad, Oprah,
288
00:15:40,475 --> 00:15:42,440
Billie, Elton and David,
289
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,440
we came here because
we believe in freedom.
290
00:15:45,475 --> 00:15:47,440
Testify!
291
00:15:47,475 --> 00:15:51,440
On my ranch, I can do an honest
day's work for an honest day's wage.
292
00:15:51,475 --> 00:15:54,440
What is that? Like, $2 million?
293
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:58,120
And I don't have to impress people
with my wild costumes,
294
00:15:58,155 --> 00:16:01,440
just down-to-earth Western wear.
295
00:16:01,475 --> 00:16:04,440
The great, steaming cracks
in the Wyoming landscape
296
00:16:04,475 --> 00:16:07,957
- are nature's vagina.
- Does she ever say a sentence that
297
00:16:07,958 --> 00:16:09,440
doesn't have the word vagina in it?
298
00:16:09,475 --> 00:16:12,440
Here, no one cares
if you strip-mine crystals
299
00:16:12,475 --> 00:16:14,280
for your healing yoni eggs.
300
00:16:14,315 --> 00:16:18,440
Yoni's just another word for vagina!
She done did it again!
301
00:16:18,475 --> 00:16:22,440
As for me, I want to build
a giant meditation crater
302
00:16:22,475 --> 00:16:26,440
that will broadcast my inner
thoughts to the outer planets.
303
00:16:26,475 --> 00:16:28,440
But some Washington man
says I can't.
304
00:16:28,475 --> 00:16:30,440
Unless I sign a damn form.
305
00:16:32,155 --> 00:16:33,640
Fuck regulatory overreach!
306
00:16:33,675 --> 00:16:36,440
Out here, a man has a right
307
00:16:36,475 --> 00:16:41,440
to his crater full of Tibetan
singing bowls and scent misters.
308
00:16:41,475 --> 00:16:44,834
- That's the smell of freedom.
- Will you join my fight?
309
00:16:44,835 --> 00:16:47,137
Yes! We celebrities stand with you
310
00:16:47,138 --> 00:16:49,440
and your mind-expanding smell hole!
311
00:16:51,475 --> 00:16:53,440
And I, David Furnish, stand nearby.
312
00:16:53,475 --> 00:16:55,663
Grab your weapons!
313
00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:00,440
- Smash day!
- Yeezy!
314
00:17:07,475 --> 00:17:10,280
Ladies, the judges have weighed in.
315
00:17:10,315 --> 00:17:14,280
Angelo, I'm sorry, dear,
sashay away.
316
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,440
Now, before I make
my final decision,
317
00:17:20,475 --> 00:17:26,425
it's time for you
to lip-sync for your eternal life!
318
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,440
There must be some way out
of this contest.
319
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:41,440
Too late, Pope Francis,
I've made my decision.
320
00:17:41,475 --> 00:17:45,440
And the winner of
RuPaul's Pope Race is...
321
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:51,440
..me!
Because who else could it be?
322
00:17:51,475 --> 00:17:53,800
Please tell me you at least
own a Bible.
323
00:17:53,835 --> 00:17:56,440
Don't worry, Franny,
I can't take the job.
324
00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:59,440
I'm still doing Drag Race.
And, quite frankly,
325
00:17:59,475 --> 00:18:01,440
I think it's gonna be around
a lot longer than Catholicism.
326
00:18:01,475 --> 00:18:06,440
- So, bye-ee!
- Well, I learned something.
327
00:18:06,475 --> 00:18:11,240
In nomine patris et spiritus
sancti... girlfriend!
328
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:15,440
This is my seventh World
Championship win here in Turkey.
329
00:18:15,475 --> 00:18:17,440
I dedicate it to the kids who say,
330
00:18:17,475 --> 00:18:21,280
"I want to grow up
just like Lewis Hamilton
331
00:18:21,315 --> 00:18:24,440
and work for justice
by getting paid huge sums
332
00:18:24,475 --> 00:18:27,440
to race in a country with a
dodgy human rights record."
333
00:18:27,475 --> 00:18:29,480
And to all the haters, hear this,
334
00:18:29,515 --> 00:18:33,440
as long as there is inequality,
I will speak out.
335
00:18:33,475 --> 00:18:36,440
Generally from my tax-sheltered
yacht in Monaco.
336
00:18:38,475 --> 00:18:40,640
I get free champagne!
337
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,440
'Once, there were three bears
living in the forest.'
338
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,280
Hey, someone broke our furniture.
339
00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:54,474
And ate our porridge.
340
00:18:54,475 --> 00:18:57,120
There she is.
341
00:18:57,155 --> 00:19:00,440
Hey, private property is
just a tool of the patriarchy.
342
00:19:00,475 --> 00:19:03,440
- I'm squatting here.
- Call the police, Papa.
343
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:07,440
They're here to protect everyone,
including brown bears.
344
00:19:07,475 --> 00:19:09,854
Good luck. We de-funded the police.
345
00:19:09,855 --> 00:19:13,280
- They'll just send a social worker.
- Not in this forest.
346
00:19:13,315 --> 00:19:15,440
Get moving, you slob.
347
00:19:15,475 --> 00:19:17,440
Support the police
in your neighbourhood.
348
00:19:17,475 --> 00:19:19,944
Help them... help us.
349
00:19:19,979 --> 00:19:22,914
'Paid for by the Police Union.'
350
00:19:24,670 --> 00:19:28,670
Today is the day I square off
against that Federal EPA man.
351
00:19:28,705 --> 00:19:30,710
High noon, he said.
352
00:19:30,745 --> 00:19:32,670
What time is it?
353
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:35,710
According to this watch you gave us,
it's two sneakers past ye.
354
00:19:35,745 --> 00:19:37,670
Kanye West.
355
00:19:41,170 --> 00:19:44,670
Are you ready to sign this here
regulatory document?
356
00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,670
Hold on, this is real, Kanye.
357
00:19:46,705 --> 00:19:49,670
You're actually going up against
the Federal Government.
358
00:19:49,705 --> 00:19:53,670
We thought this was one of your
performance art pieces. Vagina.
359
00:19:53,705 --> 00:19:57,190
There she goes again, dagnabbit!
360
00:19:57,225 --> 00:19:59,670
Wait, where's my posse?
361
00:19:59,705 --> 00:20:01,670
And why do I hear Oprah's jet?
362
00:20:01,705 --> 00:20:05,704
Your friends are gone, Kanye.
It's just you and me.
363
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,670
You're gonna have to beat me
Old West style.
364
00:20:08,705 --> 00:20:13,030
Or should I say,
Old Kanye West style?
365
00:20:21,545 --> 00:20:23,510
Oh, God, not a rap battle.
366
00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:28,190
♪ Meditation crater
14 miles wide ♪
367
00:20:28,225 --> 00:20:31,350
♪ Meditate on this
Or I'll tan your hide ♪
368
00:20:31,385 --> 00:20:34,510
♪ No Federal Agent
Should have all that power ♪
369
00:20:34,545 --> 00:20:37,510
♪ To stop a hole
That smells like a flower ♪
370
00:20:37,545 --> 00:20:40,510
♪ Section 1B
paragraph 3 ♪
371
00:20:40,545 --> 00:20:43,510
♪ Don't harm any animals
Above the knee ♪
372
00:20:43,545 --> 00:20:46,510
♪ Do me a favour
Sign the waiver ♪
373
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:50,190
♪ You can even e-sign
It's a paper saver ♪
374
00:20:50,225 --> 00:20:52,870
♪ Can't stop me with rules
What are they worth? ♪
375
00:20:52,905 --> 00:20:56,510
♪ I'm blasting my crater
Into Mother Earth. ♪
376
00:20:56,545 --> 00:20:58,510
Singing bowls!
377
00:21:02,545 --> 00:21:05,510
Who's that? Who that?
378
00:21:05,545 --> 00:21:09,510
It's me, Mother Earth!
379
00:21:09,545 --> 00:21:11,510
♪ Quit your shit
I'm that bitch Gaia ♪
380
00:21:11,545 --> 00:21:14,881
♪ I got the rhymes
You know they be straight fire ♪
381
00:21:14,976 --> 00:21:17,710
♪ Billionaires
And governmental regulations ♪
382
00:21:17,745 --> 00:21:21,510
♪ Are no match for
My seismic vibrations ♪
383
00:21:21,545 --> 00:21:24,510
♪ You both tryna own me
You tryna control me ♪
384
00:21:24,545 --> 00:21:27,510
♪ Sign your stupid form
And blast a hole in me ♪
385
00:21:27,545 --> 00:21:30,510
♪ But I gave you this land
And I can take it back ♪
386
00:21:30,545 --> 00:21:33,510
♪ I'll suck you into my crevice
My crack! ♪
387
00:21:38,510 --> 00:21:41,510
♪ So you see I got the power
You been schooled by Gaia ♪
388
00:21:41,545 --> 00:21:45,434
♪ And if you wanna date me
You can find me on Raya! ♪
389
00:21:47,685 --> 00:21:49,650
Was that real life?
390
00:21:49,685 --> 00:21:52,650
Or just a hallucination from
the CBD oil in the misters?
391
00:21:52,685 --> 00:21:54,330
There's a difference?
392
00:21:54,365 --> 00:21:56,650
What matters is
I have been humbled.
393
00:21:56,685 --> 00:21:59,170
There are greater powers
in the universe than me.
394
00:21:59,205 --> 00:22:02,650
- I will sign your form.
- Great.
395
00:22:02,685 --> 00:22:07,650
So it was all solved by a message
from Mother Earth vagina.
396
00:22:07,685 --> 00:22:10,390
Dang it, she got me saying it!
397
00:22:11,450 --> 00:22:14,650
Hive control,
commence departure sequence.
398
00:22:14,685 --> 00:22:20,553
'The train now leaving from platform 5
is the 14:57 service to Durham.'