What do you make of this weather, Eric?
Aye, and the ground's all slippy and aw. I nearly went on me arse there.
Oh, it's a pair of these you're wanting.
Permagrip soles. Timpsons, L19.99.
Is that right?
Aye, you've got to take care of yourself at our age, you know.
The bastard.
Come here. Here, hold on...
Jesus. Youse all right?
Watch your feet, Jack. It's slippy.
It's a pair of these you're wanting.
Permagrip, L19.99. Got them out of...
(GROANS)
That boy at Timpsons is getting kicked squarely in the nuts.
Form a queue.
(GRUNTING)
Up you get.
What a caper.
Here, hold that a minute.
Who's that for?
Oh, Willy Napier.
I feel bad, you know. I promised I'd go up last Thursday.
He's not been keeping that well, either.
- I'll come with ye. - Aye, right-o, aye.
Oh.
- Eric. - Eric.
- There you are, Eric, son. - Aye, come on. Gie us your hand.
- All right, mate. - Right.
I'll have that one and that one.
Both of them?
That's what I said, yes. The both of them.
What do you want both of them for?
What age are ye? Where do ye live?
What shoe size are ye? Where were you on the night of the 15th?
Just give me the fires, nosey.
(LIFT BELL RINGS)
Oh, Jesus.
Come on. I'm too cold to listen to her pish today.
- Hold the door. - Close, you bastard, close, you bastard!
Hold on.
That was lucky, Isa.
Three for 14.
- No, we're eight, today. - Oh.
You're going to visit Willy Napier.
Yes, Isa, that's right.
Lovely man.
He's gone downhill awfully quick since he lost his wife.
That's right, Isa, downhill.
Is that you taking him a wee brown loaf?
Certainly would appear so, Isa.
- Real crusty. Very nice. - Isa, for fuck's...
That's us at number eight now.
Nosey old bastard.
Look at this. It's like a midden.
Aye, I know.
It's that lazy, dirty, smelly Frankie bastard in there, aye.
I came down one day to see Willy and there was an engine oot a Transit van lying there
pishing its shite all over the floor.
Bloody disgrace.
- He's no answering. - He'll be lying deid.
Shut up, I'll try again.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Aye, he'll be lying deid.
Stiff and blue, eyes staring.
Pointing at ye.
"Jack. Where have you been, Jack?
"I've been deid since last Thursday.
"You killed me.
"Where's my brown loaf?"
Shut up, you're twisting my melon.
You away in and scout and I'll wait here.
Aye, watch me. Come on.
JACK: Oh, Jesus.
(BOTH SIGHING)
Willy.
JACK: Ye think he's deid?
Let's see, shall we?
(CLINKING)
I'm no Quincy, Jack,
but I'd say he was deid, aye.
Well, what would we do? Phone the fuzz?
No, phone his boy.
Oh, I don't like that.
That's bad news to gie anybody, that. Eh, your father's deid.
- There'll be tears. - What are you talking about?
He'll no bother his arse. Look at the nick of Willy.
When do you suppose the boy was last up, Jack?
JACK: Ah, right enough.
It's deid.
He must have died. Then they cut his phone off because he didnae pay his bill.
Because he couldnae. Because he was deid.
Very good, Columbo. Let's go.
Where is it we're going?
We're going to ask Manky Frankie next door if we can use his phone.
Poor old bastard, eh?
VICTOR: He didnae deserve this.
Another good man down.
There you are, Willy.
We'll see ourselves out.
(BELL RINGING)
What are youse wanting?
Eh, Willy's deid.
Who's Willy?
- Your... - Your next-door neighbour.
And what?
Well, we were wondering if we could use your phone
because his phone's no working and we have to phone his boy.
Right.
Phone's there.
Are these fish and chip papers?
- Aye. - Huh, jeez.
Must be 100 wrappers lying there.
- VICTOR: You must love your fish and chips. - That's right.
Aye, good.
"Pay for your call. It keeps the bill small."
Aye. Well, we can read.
Just a...
- Have you got a... - Oh...
Oh, there we are.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
That's a smashing thing, that.
Where would you get a thing like that?
Maryhill Shopping Centre.
Oh, aye. Smashing.
Aye, smashing.
Hello, Michael.
Yes, it's Jack, yes. Yes, your father's pal.
Eh?
I'm fine, yes. A wee bit of a cold last week.
Aye, not too bad. That was it.
A cold snap, right enough, aye.
Victor?
Victor's fine, aye. Aye, you know Victor, aye.
I'm across the landing from him now, aye.
Eh? Och, no.
No, I didnae bother going there in the end. Was Willy telling you? Aye.
Aye. Willy. I thought Willy would have told you...
You dad's deid. You better come up.
- He's a cert. - No.
JACK: He's heading right for it. VICTOR: No, he's gonna miss it. 20p.
JACK: You're on.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Right on his arse.
60 pence up.
Hot chocolate.
Oh, aye, aye. Bloody freezing in here.
I mean, the thing's ridiculous.
How're you supposed to get a heat in ye with the bloody pension they gie ye?
I know. Millions the government spends on advertising and pamphlets, telling you what, eh?
"Put on a cardigan."
(CHUCKLES)
That's it, what is it they say, "Keep yourself warm this winter.
"Don't squander your money on frivolous things like food."
- Or clothes. - Aye, or medicine.
Scrimp and save every ha'penny you've got and give it to the Electricity Board.
I mean, to hell with that, Victor, eh?
No.
You don't even know what I'm going to say.
Aye, I do. We're not putting the fire on.
Come on. One hour, three bars.
- No chance, Jack. - Two bars?
Have you any idea at all, eh, what that bastard burns?
Where's the point of having a good fire if you've never got it on?
Put the bulb on, then. That suggests warmth.
No. That suggests you're a tight-arsed old bastard.
Well, away into your ain house and get a heat, then.
You know fine I've no got a fire.
Oh, aye. What is it you've got again?
An electric fan heater thing.
And it's never on.
Well, do you blame me?
It's a gutsy bastard. It's nothing but an ornament.
Oh, aye.
We're humped right enough, eh?
Of course, you know what's going to happen to us, don't you?
What?
Well, we're gonna end up in the same nick as old Willy.
Sitting here with these cups welded to our hands with the frost.
Two mair statistics, 'cause you'll no burn that bloody fire.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, here they come. Abbott and Costello.
BOBBY: You're putting the beef on, Jack.
Oh, that's right.
Every time I shag your wife, she makes me a sandwich.
There's Pete Tain.
- He was pally with Willy, you know? - Oh, that's right.
I suppose we should tell him, eh?
- Right. - Pete?
Aye.
Bit of bad news for you, fella.
What is it?
Willy's away. The cold got him.
Oh, Napier's gone.
Who had Napier?
Yes. 3-to-1, 60 quid.
Nice one, Bobby boy. Good call, now.
What's happening here?
Oh, it's the Hypothermia Sweepstake.
We're taking bets on who's going next.
What?
Have youse lost your minds?
Don't you get sanctimonious with us, Victor McDade.
It comes to us all.
Aye, but at least we're not sitting on a bloody ticket waiting on somebody to die.
Look at you sitting there, Eric.
How long did you work with Willy?
VICTOR: Thirty year! JACK: Aye.
And you, you rat.
That money should be going towards that man's funeral.
You should be bloody ashamed of yourself.
Call yourself a community here, taking bets on the death derby.
And Scots across the country are preparing for the coldest front since 1972,
with temperatures set to drop to as much as - 12 in many parts of the west of Scotland.
Social Services are advising mothers with young children and the elderly
to remain indoors unless absolutely necessary.
Well, that's the odds slashed across the board.
Tenner on McDade for me, Tam.
We have a new favourite, old Eric, 2-to-1,
on account of they steel pins in his knee.
Aye, that'll be right. That's a wasted bet. I've got double-glazing.
(SIGHING)
(BELL RINGING)
- Hey, ho. - There ye are.
You heard about this morbid bloody sweepstake that Tam's running over at the Clansman?
- That bastard. - Aye, he's a bastard, aye.
He wouldnae give me any mair than 3-to-1 on Jeanie Shaw.
- No you and aw! - Och, lighten up.
We're all headed that way, as well we make it interesting.
- Jeez. - Oh.
It's like the bloody Belgian Congo in here, Winston.
It's magic, isn't it?
Yeah, well, I'm gonna get my coat off. I'm bloody sweltering here.
Aye. Right, come away through.
- Oh, mind your legs, there. - Oh, aye.
There you are.
What's the story?
What do you mean?
- You've got three in the bedroom. - And three in the hall, there.
VICTOR: Six in here.
That's 12 bars of sweetness all blaring away.
What's going on?
No, no.
I've got three in the kitchen and three in the cludgie as well.
That's 18 bars in total.
Spill it.
I cannae tell ye. I've sworn.
Get it telt, Winston.
Well, I could tell you
but I'd be incriminating myself and, by association, yourselves.
Oh, for God's sake will you tell us before we pass oot.
Right. Come with me.
Right. Do you notice anything odd about that meter?
Eh, no. It's the same as mine.
Take a closer look.
Oh. The wheel isnae going round.
For I have intervened and impeded the progress of said wheel.
Now observe.
Watch what happens when I do this.
Jesus.
Would you look at the speed of that, eh? That would cut diamonds, that.
That's like a sawmill, Winston. They could have your hand off.
I know. Terrifying, isn't it?
Now, if I was to let that run, I'd be potless and in the gutter by Thursday.
Oh, aye. You would, aye.
However with this device, gentlemen,
I, Winston, am king of leccy.
Oh, yes, that's got to be a good thing, oh, yes.
It's all well and good, Winston, but you know what it makes you?
What would that be?
A thief. A rat thief.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, here, now, Victor, that's not entirely fair.
No!
That's how come electricity's so expensive, you see. With the likes of him stealing it,
you know what I mean?
I'll no be party to this. Come on, Jack.
JACK: No.
Eh?
I'm sorry, Victor. I'm with Winston on this one.
I want a slice of this action.
Very well, Jack.
You're a grown man.
You've made your decision.
But consider this, eh?
You're warm now,
but how's it gonna be in a wee stoney jail cell, aye?
With nothing to heat you up
but a hot bobby right up your arse?
Victor's right. You're off your bloody head, Winston.
Ah, well. Away, you two, back to your iceboxes with your principles intact.
And our arseholes.
Did you see him there? Whoo!
(CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)
Oh, Jesus, it would cut the face off you, eh?
Aye.
Smashing there at Winston's though, wasn't it?
Aye, but crime doesnae pay, Jack.
No, but it fair warms you up though, doesn't it?
Aye.
Oh, hello there, Derek.
Oh, how's your grandfather? Is he still laid up in bed, is he?
Aye, he is.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah, but my mammy bought him an electric blanket.
Doctor says he should be up and about in a couple of days.
Oh, aye. Oh, that's good.
Two ounce of Drum, if you please, Navid.
- How're you keeping, Navid? - Och, no bad.
- Awful warm in here, Navid. - Aye.
Aye?
Scratch card?
Aye, two Lucky Donkeys, as per.
Two Donkeys.
Think he was at it?
Aye. Got that look in his eye, didn't he?
Aye. That sort of look to say,
"I'm getting free leccy and youse are a couple of wankers for paying oot for it."
I wanna chuck the Lucky Donkeys.
- Are ye? - Aye.
- What else would you do? - Gie the Pig in a Pokes a try.
Oh, aye.
Close the door, you're letting the cold in.
Aye, sorry.
- Jackie. - Frank.
- Tony. - Willy.
MAN: Hello.
Tommy.
3:30 at Chepstow, Captain Howdy.
- Each way. - Each way, aye.
It's awful warm in here, Tracy.
You think so?
- Stevie. - Aye?
Do you feel it warm in here?
Not overly, no.
Come on, I'm getting the fear.
Aye, well, I'm keeping out of that bookies.
- That was well creepy. - Aye.
It was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, wasn't it?
Oh, there's Tam's there.
- Oh, hi, Tam. - Hello, Jack, Victor.
- Mind if we join you, Tam? - Aye, sit down.
- Well, where have you been? - Bookies.
You been in the bookies today, Tam?
Aye, this morning, how?
- Did you notice anything strange about it? - No.
- How? - The heat.
- You didnae notice the heat? - No.
You couldnae have failed to notice the heat. It was smashing.
Eh, it was too warm. It was too warm in the bookies.
Was it?
What's in the bag, Tam?
An electric fan heater.
I've got one of them. They burn a fortune, they things.
Do they?
Here, they're aw at it. They're all stealing leccy.
That doesnae make it right, but, Jack.
- Right, that's you. Get the heating on. - Thanks.
Winston? What the hell are you doing here?
Serving the community.
Mair thieving, you dafty.
Hey, hey. You're the dafties here.
- How? - I'll tell you how.
We work all our days, right? And for what?
To sit freezing, eh?
Wondering if the phone's gonna ring.
Not allowed to burn the bar in your fire. Waiting for the reaper.
A ball hair away from eating dog food.
Och, it's no that bad.
It is that bad.
The government want us to die. They expect us to die.
Tony Blair's like that, "Come here you, my wee government lackey.
"How many old bastards died last night?" "1,500."
"Oh, smashing. That'll free up some housing stock."
You know what us pensioners are? We're lepers.
We take, take, take and we gie nothing back.
And they hate us for it.
They cannae wait to bury us.
Aye, that's right. He's right, he's right.
You know, you're a pair of silly bastards.
You know, you're even money in the Hypothermia Sweepstake.
Oh, yeah?
That's right. 'Cause you'll no take free leccy. Even money.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
- You know who else is even money? - Who?
Old Pete.
- The jakey? - That's right.
Drank his house, wife, weans, dog, the lot.
Lives outside. Even money.
I'm no having my odds the same as that smelly bastard.
That's a brass neck. All right, I'm in.
What the hell are you saying?
I'm in, I gie up. I want free leccy.
Hook me up, Winston.
How long is this gonna take to get me kitted oot?
- Half an hour, it'll take. That'll be you done, aye. - Aye?
Jack! You think about this. Think about what you're doing!
I have thought about it.
I don't know about you, Victor, but I quite fancy the mad notion of surviving the winter.
- Aye, get him telt, Jack. - Aye.
You shut your hole, you footpad.
You're only bringing him down to your ain level.
He's not bringing me down anywhere. I've made my mind up, Victor.
See you later.
You'll not see me later.
I don't hang about with the underworld.
Arsehole.
Prick.
What a way to end up.
An ice lolly.
Silly old bastard.
Show him a bit of bloody respect, will ye?
You no budging up, no?
(SIGHING)
Look at you two, eh?
Thick as thieves.
What're you up to?
You planning your next heist, are ye? Eh?
What is it, the church silver?
How are things in Frosty Towers? Adequate?
Ample, yes, thank you.
Feeling it warm, are you, Victor?
I am, aye.
You might be interested to know
that Father Graham has availed himself of my services.
WINSTON: It would appear that the good Lord himself likes it toasty.
Victor.
Hey, Jack?
- What time is it? - Time you got a bloody heat in ye.
Come on. Feel your face, you're freezing.
- Och, I'm all right. - Come on, you, get up.
Up you get. That's it.
(SIGHING)
Hook me up.
That's a boy.
You know you're doing the right thing, eh?
I know, I know.
I'm a daft old bugger.
- I wasnae gonna mention this, but... - What?
I had a dream about old Willy last night.
What happened?
Well, he was wearing a shroud and his face was all that blue colour, you know?
It was like iced water, you know, and his eyes were all yellow.
Aye, he always did have yellow eyes. Didn't he, old Willy?
Aye, it's all the booze he drank, sure.
Anyway, he comes to me in this dream and he takes me by the hand, you see.
His hands were freezing.
And he starts leading me up this beautiful staircase,
goes on for miles.
Nae banister. No.
And I'm looking frae side to side
and there doesn't seem to be an end to the stairs, you see?
Well, eventually we get to the top and the thing is I'm not puffed out, I feel fine, you know.
That's when he points.
Exactly the same way he was pointing when we found him in the flat, you see.
And he's pointing to a coffin.
I'm looking at it.
It's an old coffin, you know,
it's aw gone musty while the lid's down, you know?
But it looked as if it'd just been dug up.
Aye, aye, exhumed.
Aye, exhumed.
I'm feart, you know, but he tightens his grip
and he's pulling me closer, he's pulling me forward, you know?
And he's bending down. Of course, the lid's shut.
But no anymair, because he's starting to open the lid, you see?
And I look down, and I'm in a right mess, you know, and...
Then I see it, you know. There it is, staring right back at me.
A body of...
(SCREAMS)
That's all right. That happens sometimes.
I just about shat myself there.
Jesus!
What the hell are you doing? Get a move on, Winston.
Just give me a minute.
There you are now. Welcome to the FEC.
The Free Electricity Club.
Gather round for the ceremonial switching on of the fire.
How does it feel? Feels pretty good, eh?
Oh, aye, aye. Feels good, aye.
Well, switch it on.
Eh, right.
One bar?
One bar's plenty.
Victor, it's gratis. Get the three bloody bars on.
VICTOR: Ah, there we are. Oh, that's rare.
I cannae mind the last time I had the three bars on.
Aye, you can smell the stour burning.
JACK: Hey. I'm gonna put the free kettle on.
Aye.
Free hot water. Free tea. Ho, ho!
VICTOR: (LAUGHING) What else can we turn on?
WINSTON: Aye, you're getting the hang of it now. The telly.
VICTOR: I suppose that's the beauty of it, eh?
They're so many people in this scheme that they'll never know who's stealing it.
(SIGHING)
It's nice to get that cold air round about you, eh?
Gies us a break from that oven of a flat.
Aye.
There's Mary Wilson.
Aye, old wiggy.
You're aye saying that. It's not a bloody wig.
She's baldy. Course it's a wig. It's like a hat.
It's no a wig.
It's a wig, right enough, eh?
Here, you never told me who was lying in the coffin.
- Eh? - That dream you had with Willy.
Oh, aye, aye, aye.
Aye, well, the coffin lid opened and there it was, the body of Jack Lord.
Funny that, innit?
Who's Jack Lord?
- Cop. Hawaii Five-O. - Oh, aye.
Is he deid?
I don't know.