1
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,279
- Pension day, eh?
- Highlight of the week.
2
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:41,994
- Pathetic, eh?
- Aye, it's piss poor.
3
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,356
Och, I'm not standing behind that.
4
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,799
Erm, we havenae...
5
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:50,955
(WHISTLING SOFTLY)
6
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,595
No, we havenae, no. Not for a wee while.
7
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:55,915
You up for it?
8
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:59,476
Post office special. Always, my friend, always.
9
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,393
- Ready?
- Ready.
10
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,158
Oh, Jesus. Oh, my...
11
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:22,273
Hello there, sweetheart. I came for my pension.
I think you'll find that's all in order there.
12
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,718
False alarm. Right as rain. Lovely.
13
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,715
Oh, Victor McDade, as I live and breathe.
14
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,877
Jack Jarvis, the man himself. Excuse me.
15
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:33,989
(CROWD CHATTERING)
16
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,712
- Easy.
- What?
17
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,235
What's the matter with you? Oh, shut up.
18
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,512
Oh, what is that?
19
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,679
What is that smell, eh? Oh, wait.
20
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:47,315
Don't tell us. My friend here
has a nose for perfumes, don't you, Jack?
21
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,716
- Indeed I do. It's never let me down, either.
- Off you trot.
22
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,234
Brut 33.
23
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,393
No? Okay.
24
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,956
Old Spice? Oh, still no joy.
25
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,518
Got it. Hai Karate.
26
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,677
You'll have to forgive me today, sweetheart.
Bunged up with a cold, you see.
27
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,916
Here's your L78, Mr Jarvis.
28
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,470
Of course, in reality, it's only L58, is it not, Jack?
29
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,991
Aye, that's right. 'Cause that's all I'll have left
after I've paid you and I into the Plaza.
30
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,428
- Have I still got it?
- Yes, indeedy, boy.
31
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,028
See you later, sweetheart. Thanks for that.
32
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,871
- Hi, Jack, Victor.
- Tam.
33
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,790
Oh, no, no, the dizziness.
34
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,515
Too late, Tam.
35
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,516
(JACK AND VICTOR HUMMING)
36
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,312
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
37
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,715
Oh. Victor!
38
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,558
(TOILET FLUSHING)
39
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:53,749
Victor!
40
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:56,115
What, Jack?
41
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,471
You need to see this.
Come on, hurry up before it goes away.
42
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,753
Now. That there, boy, is a DeLonghi, right?
43
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:11,998
Four slices, it's got the crumb tray in it,
cool-touch walls.
44
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,430
See? That is the Rolls-Royce of toasters.
45
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,358
Aye. I'm going to get myself one of them.
46
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:19,755
Aye, well.
47
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,318
Anything will be better than that heap of shit
that you've had for the last 40 year.
48
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:28,797
Oh, it's served me well, that. Aye, that's a Thorn.
It's got three settings, that.
49
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,388
Aye, black, black, burnt.
50
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,035
- Oh.
- It's you, Isa. Where you off to?
51
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,390
Navid's. On my way to do my shift.
52
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,116
That was close. Got off lightly there.
53
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,668
Winston, I'm glad I caught ye there.
I completely forgot to tell ye.
54
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,074
Tell me what, Isa?
55
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,589
Well, I never buy The Times.
56
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,553
There's usually nothing in it
you havenae read in the real papers.
57
00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,275
Just the same old news again, later on.
Rubbish, really.
58
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,630
And there's nae point paying twice for it.
59
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,797
Anyhows, don't ask me why, but I bought one.
60
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,388
And I was flipping through it, then suddenly...
61
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,709
- What are you doing, Winston?
- I'm trying to fast-forward you to the punch line.
62
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,990
- What?
- Get to the end of the story.
63
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,119
- Aye, well, I was flipping through it...
- The end.
64
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,800
- At the intimations section...
- The end, mind.
65
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,078
- Wullie Mackintosh is deid.
- Thank you.
66
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,114
- Some holiday, that.
- Hello.
67
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,276
- Who is it?
- (SARCASTICALLY) Come in. My door was open.
68
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,674
Look at that, eh? Fox's Classics.
69
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,429
You aye got a right snobby, poofy biscuit at Jack's,
don't you, Victor?
70
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,028
- I brung them.
- Did you? Aye, tasty, though.
71
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:52,233
I love the, erm, oh, mmm, you know,
the chocolaty way that the...
72
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,509
That's plenty.
73
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,872
Wullie Mackintosh is deid.
74
00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,032
- Is he?
- Aye. Isa showed me in the paper.
75
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,879
Died in the hospital.
76
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,592
- When are they planting him?
- The service is on Thursday.
77
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,949
That bastard was into me for 30 quid.
78
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,348
Get in line. I fitted a gas cooker for him
and he's yet to square me up for it.
79
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,513
Aye, I lent him something. What was it again?
80
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,349
I cannae remember.
I definitely did lend him something, though.
81
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,155
Aye, he was a scrounging bastard.
82
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,319
JACK: Is that you? Oh, aye, is that you?
VICTOR: Mmm-hmm, that's me.
83
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,956
Oh, magic, magic. No, no, that's pure quality.
84
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,596
No, no. Thanks very much. Thanks.
85
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,950
Meena, that's the car sorted.
86
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,789
Mercedes Benz, S-Class. Fantastic, huh?
87
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:46,469
Okay.
88
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,835
Ah, don't get too excited, arsehole.
89
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,837
(SPEAKING PUNJABl)
90
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,000
Oh, stop it, Meena. I'm shitting myself.
91
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:58,438
Look at me quaking in my boots.
Come ahead then, Meena, huh? Come ahead then.
92
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,509
You can give me a kicking
when you move your fat arse off that stool.
93
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,317
- That's Wullie Mackintosh deid.
- Who?
94
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,035
Wullie Mackintosh with the Gorbachev
mark on his head.
95
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,275
Huh?
96
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:15,758
- Like a bird that shat blood on his head.
- Oh, Wullie Mackintosh.
97
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:16,835
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
98
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,029
Oh, for God's sake.
99
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,752
Oh, Meena?
100
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,633
(SPEAKING PUNJABl)
101
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,035
Who?
102
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,315
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
103
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,195
(SPEAKING PUNJABl)
104
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:28,993
He was on my tick list.
105
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,509
- Tick list for what?
- Owed me 11 quid.
106
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,955
That's Gypsy Creams up two pence a packet.
107
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,513
- That's me done, then.
- Oh, righto, Isa.
108
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,711
I heard you on the phone there.
109
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,755
You've got your cars then, for the...
110
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,355
- Yes, Isa. The wedding.
- Wedding, aye.
111
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,952
Mercedes Benz.
112
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,036
- S-Class.
- S-Class.
113
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,428
Luxury.
114
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,520
So, what days are you wanting me on
next week, Navid?
115
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,200
Monday, Wednesday and Friday?
116
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,596
- Oh, no, Isa. No Friday.
- Oh, no. Aye, the wedding, right.
117
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,157
Right, Isa. Let's you and me dispense
with the verbal sparring.
118
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:11,239
Now, next Friday is the wedding of the year
in our community.
119
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,915
Everybody who is anyone will be there.
120
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,637
The Jaffar family are going, the Singhs are going,
121
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,752
the Kumars, even the Ashoka people are coming.
122
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:24,635
And a few valued customers
from the shop will be invited.
123
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,760
Now, you, Isa, are a nosey bastard.
124
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,438
Oh, now you wait here a minute, Navid.
125
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,118
Tact, not insult.
126
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,595
It is only natural you should peddle around,
127
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,871
angling in the desperation
to be one of the lucky few.
128
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:42,189
Now, in one of these envelopes
is your wages from last week.
129
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:47,829
And in the other, an invite
to the Asian society wedding of the year.
130
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,353
Pick the one, and forfeit the other, hmm?
131
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,149
(CHUCKLING)
132
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:03,149
Look at the state of you, Isa, all jangly.
I'm only pulling your pisser. They're both for you.
133
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,073
(NAVID LAUGHING)
134
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,311
(SITAR PLAYING)
135
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,670
See, you'll get four slices
all in there at the same time.
136
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,518
And they're toasting simultaneously,
137
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,756
the same time as all the rest of them
in tandem, you know.
138
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,236
Jack, for God's sake, give the toaster a break, eh?
139
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,116
- Wullie Mackintosh, eh?
- Aye.
140
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,591
He was in my class at school.
141
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,952
Snotty wee bastard, you know?
"I have a nose bleed."
142
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,838
Aye, and nae family.
143
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,833
I wish I could remember what it was I lent him.
144
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:45,069
Doesn't Winston have a key for his house?
145
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,791
Aye, he does, aye. 'Cause he was feeding the cat
when Wullie was in the hospital, aye.
146
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,875
So we could get in, if we wanted to.
147
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,356
Here, wait a minute, you.
You're not suggesting we go up there
148
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,391
and rummage through a deid man's house?
149
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:58,555
Aye.
150
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,996
That's a cracking idea, aye.
With him no having any family.
151
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,918
Well, it's nigh on a perfect rummaging scenario!
152
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,598
If there's any money lying about,
I'm due the first 30 quid.
153
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,312
Oh, that's a given, aye.
154
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,710
- Hello, lads.
- Oh, Jesus, Isa!
155
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,751
That's Wullie Mackintosh deid.
156
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:20,199
- For once, your information is second-hand.
- Aye, Winston told us.
157
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,548
Terrible, eh?
158
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,148
- Aye, it's bad, aye.
- Aye, it's terrible, aye.
159
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:25,998
Terrible thing to say, but
160
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:30,199
there he's deid and he never gave me back
a good Calor Gas heater I lent him.
161
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,470
Really? Aye, that wasnae like him, eh?
162
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,354
Ideally, if there was a key
I could go up there and get it back.
163
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,152
Aye, you could right enough, Isa.
164
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:42,353
- Aye, if there was such a thing as a key...
- Aye, a key would be, would be handy.
165
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,629
Hello, Winston.
166
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,991
I was just saying there, Winston,
Wullie had my heater.
167
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,519
A key would be handy.
168
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,073
- I've got a key.
- Oh.
169
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,832
For my house,
which is handy for getting in and out.
170
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:57,509
'Cause otherwise I'd have to use the window
which would be pish.
171
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,312
That's smashing for you.
172
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,352
I'll away. Look here, before I forget.
173
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,151
Have a look at this.
174
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:06,999
(SITAR PLAYING)
175
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:10,317
- Oh, that is beautiful.
- What is that?
176
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,955
That, boys, is an invite
to Navid's daughter's wedding.
177
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,719
I heard about that, you jammy bastard.
178
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,478
How'd you get your hands on that?
179
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:22,070
He's inviting a few select friends and customers.
180
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,272
Aye, well, he better be inviting me
'cause I'm never oot of his shop.
181
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,994
Aye, I'm a select friend and customer.
182
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,636
- Half my bloody pension goes in his till.
- See youse after.
183
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:34,839
Jammy old boot.
184
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,675
- Have you been asked?
- Not yet. But I'm going, I'm definitely going.
185
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,116
- How's that?
- Never you mind.
186
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,598
Let's just say Wullie Mac has left me a gift
frae the grave, and I'll be going up to get it.
187
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:51,475
Aye, well, we'll be going along with you.
He borrowed a lot of stuff off a load of people.
188
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,511
Now we need to start a list, aye.
189
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,473
JACK: Oh, that's lovely.
VICTOR: Aye, it is...
190
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,039
What was Winston on about, eh?
191
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,958
All that "gift frae the grave" pish.
192
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,550
Aye. Well, maybe Wullie had
a shotgun belong to him
193
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,797
and maybe he's going to blast his way
into the wedding, eh?
194
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,992
I'll tell you something, Jack.
It will kill me if that bastard gets one
195
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,873
- and we don't.
- Oh, aye, absolutely. I've been trying to...
196
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,115
(HORN BLARING)
197
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,878
(SHOUTING ANGRILY)
198
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,230
Whoa! You pair of old duffers!
199
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,911
- Get out the road, you dozy pair of...
- Are you blind, you bastard?
200
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,712
Victor! Jack! How about youse? You're looking well.
201
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,912
Tam, Jesus! What are you doing driving a van?
202
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,951
I was up at the Cash and Carry...
203
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,399
Navid.
204
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:48,433
- You're angling for an invite, you wide-o.
- No, I was just being neighbourly.
205
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,873
Aye, I'm curry daft. I've got to be at that wedding.
I cannae miss it.
206
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,037
- Oh, by the way, Wullie Mackintosh is deid.
- Who?
207
00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,429
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
208
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:00,629
Oh, aye.
209
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,319
That bastard's got a deep-fat fryer
belonging to me.
210
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:07,113
That old prick didn't have anything
that didnae belong to someone else.
211
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,593
Borrowing bastard.
212
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,236
Anyway, they're planting him tomorrow.
213
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,836
- What's in the van?
- Oh, the lot.
214
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,550
Here, can I interest you
in a couple of bottles of Lucozade?
215
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:20,875
No.
216
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,560
Oh, come on, take the edge off.
A couple of bottles of Lucozade.
217
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,319
- I don't like.
- They're just sitting here. Now, come on.
218
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,193
- There they are.
- Aye, all right.
219
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:31,993
- L1.20.
- Are you ripping the piss?
220
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,277
- You want to charge us for them?
- L1.20. Come on, now.
221
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,229
Right.
222
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,676
I cannae go about giving out
Navid's merchandise for free.
223
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,913
He'll have my guts for garters come the stocktake.
224
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,749
I've got to keep my eye on the ball.
I've got to think of that invite.
225
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,273
Hey, come on, move.
226
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,752
(CHURCH BELL RINGING)
227
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,519
Jesus, when was that?
228
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,756
- When was that exactly?
- It must have been eight years ago.
229
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,154
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
230
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,556
Nae danger, Kenny.
We'll get that sorted for you, eh? Okay.
231
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:19,595
What does he want?
232
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,393
Oh, he wants us to retrieve a pair of wally dugs
233
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:26,638
that Wullie hoovered off him in, get this, 1937.
234
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,710
'37? He's over ninety year old.
235
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,829
So, I'm standing outside the Gaumont,
waiting to get in to see The Wizard of Oz,
236
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,918
and that bastard Wullie
was poncing stuff even back then, eh?
237
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,270
This list is getting stupid, Jack.
238
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,400
Very apt, Father. Very, very nice, very fitting.
239
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,229
Yes, very apt, indeed. Very nice and personal.
Nice and personal.
240
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,717
- Well, that was a shower of shite, wasn't it?
- It never ceases to amaze me
241
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,910
how wrong these tits get it,
you know what I mean?
242
00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:01,636
"Fine, upstanding member of the community."
My arse! He's never met Wullie in his life.
243
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,196
It's not that. He's spouting that shite twelve times
a day, you know what I mean?
244
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,392
- Will you be joining us for the meal, gentlemen?
- Oh, that will be very nice, aye.
245
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,397
Yes, that would be lovely. Lovely, Father, yes.
246
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,239
- What would be lovely?
- We're invited up for some free scran...
247
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,750
- Ah, a nice meal, kindly.
- Aye, steak pie, probably.
248
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,430
Uh. Oh, no, Father, we can't.
249
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:20,999
A prior engagement.
250
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,275
Eh?
251
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,437
We're going to pay our respects
to Wullie privately.
252
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,995
Oh, really? Where are you off to?
253
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,475
Uh, you see, the thing is, Father,
254
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,239
Wullie was an awful tapper, you see, and his,
255
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,397
his house is cram-packed full of stuff
that doesnae belong to him.
256
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:40,991
So while everybody's paying their respects here,
we'll go up there and we'll start rummaging...
257
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,834
- Victor?
- Yes, Jack.
258
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,358
Don't let this ever happen to me.
259
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,268
All the milk all stacked up there
and nobody even coming to check on me.
260
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,118
That would never happen, Jack.
261
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,956
For I would cancel my own milk
and simply take yours.
262
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:16,829
Free milk!
263
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,794
- Deid man's milk?
- Best to give.
264
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,833
And I would continue to do so
until the relevant authorities corrected their error.
265
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,750
Excuse me, watch your backs.
266
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,992
(VICTOR CLEARING THROAT)
267
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,037
- What's your name, son?
- Chris.
268
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,516
Chris. Caring Chris.
269
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,915
Caring Chris, the community postman.
270
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,119
Take a second, Chris, and tell me what's wrong.
271
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,800
Tell us all, in fact, what's wrong with this picture.
272
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,599
Shite load of milk?
273
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,712
What does that tell us about
the occupant of the property, Chris?
274
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,993
- He's not into milk.
- Not into milk.
275
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,198
See, if you look at the milk
closest to the door, Chris,
276
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:09,075
you'll observe that it's no longer milk
but, in fact, cheese.
277
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,795
Notice the stuffed letterbox. It would appear
the occupant is also "not into letters".
278
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,991
Or papers as such.
279
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,236
Now, Chris, you dim-witted prick,
280
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,313
tell us what's wrong with the man
that lives in this house.
281
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,434
Is he deid?
282
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,789
This is interfering with Her Majesty's post.
283
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,434
Right, boys, check our watches. We've got an hour
before Navid realises his van's missing.
284
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,835
- Who's got the list?
- I've got the list, aye.
285
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,152
ALL: # My mate Joe's a burglar #
286
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,872
Four slices.
Does them all at the one time, you see.
287
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,829
That's got to be mair toast
than you would ever need, eh?
288
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,712
Aye, Jack, aye. You're right.
289
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,036
What is it youse are looking at there?
290
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,358
That's a lot of shite, that.
291
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,396
It is shite.
But that there is my passport to pakora.
292
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,351
- Eh?
- I was never that keen on it, you know.
293
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,030
Wullie hoached it off me about 20 odd year ago,
294
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,311
and now I'm claiming it back
and I'm going to give it to Navid.
295
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:28,953
He's Taj Mahal daft.
296
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:33,757
See, when he sees that, he's gonna be
that grateful I'll find myself one invite up.
297
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,750
You fly bastard.
298
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:42,909
There we are.
299
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,119
- You had a gravy boat there. Betty Collins.
- Oh, aye.
300
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,993
Here, do you remember yet
what it is you lent him?
301
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,076
No, it's doing my nut in and all.
302
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,912
You'd better hurry up and mind, you know.
303
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,429
- Only the bedroom now and that's us.
- Aye.
304
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,271
JACK: I'll list it. Sort it oot.
305
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,717
That was it! That's what I lent him.
306
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:18,155
You mean you forgot you lent him a bloody...
What is that?
307
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,831
It's a raccoon. Fiona sent it frae Canada.
308
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,229
Yeah.
309
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:29,079
I've always liked it. Jean never ever liked it.
Frightened her, do you know what I mean?
310
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:32,237
That's why I was only too happy
to lend it to Wullie, you know.
311
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,040
- It's a belter right enough, isn't it?
- Aye, it is a belter.
312
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,229
Hello, you...
313
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,395
(COUGHING)
314
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,114
- It's a bit manky, right enough.
- He's not looked after that at all, has he?
315
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,993
Aye, well, what do you want us to do,
phone RSPCA?
316
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,429
Not at all.
I'll hoover it up, it'll hoover up smashing.
317
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,916
Come on, we'll get it in the van.
Come on you, you cheeky wee monkey.
318
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,277
There you are, Eric.
This invite is for you and the good lady wife.
319
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,549
Magic, Navid.
320
00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:59,232
(SITAR PLAYING)
321
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,554
That's fantastic.
322
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,035
And keep the wee neds
from hanging about outside the shop.
323
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,149
Aye, will do.
324
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,553
Thanks, Officer.
325
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,352
Hello, gentlemen. Ah, lovely big fellow that, huh?
326
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,799
So, do you like the new painting?
327
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,037
- Oh, aye. Smashing. Very nice, indeed, aye.
- Taj Mahal.
328
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,311
Just saying, Meena,
it's a smashing painting Navid's got up there.
329
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,475
(MEENA SIGHING)
330
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,909
Oh, don't ask her anything. Ignorant bastard.
331
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,873
She thought the Sistine Chapel was in the Gorbals.
332
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,519
So, what can I do you for?
333
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,793
- Fry's Cream.
- A piece of Bubbaloo.
334
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,319
Fry's Cream
335
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,589
and Bubbaloo.
336
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,150
Oh, I'm glad you came in.
337
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,035
Steady.
338
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,837
There you go, Racing Post.
339
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,468
Delivery boy's off. His dog got killed.
340
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,599
- That's it. Racing Post.
- That's our whack?
341
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,870
Yes, gentlemen. That is your whack.
342
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,116
- Right.
- Fine.
343
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:09,869
Charming.
344
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,399
(SNICKERING)
345
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,997
- Hey, where do you keep your Special K, Navid?
- Wullie Mackintosh.
346
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,430
You're deid, you're deid.
347
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:22,875
No, I'm not.
348
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,195
Aye, you are.
Everyone was at your funeral yesterday.
349
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,550
Navid, I'm not deid.
350
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,231
I was in the hospital but I'm not deid.
351
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,998
- Isa?
- Aye?
352
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,314
Sure he's deid?
353
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,636
We buried you yesterday, Wullie.
354
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:43,119
I was so sorry to hear of your passing,
but you've got to move on.
355
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,398
You cannae wander about amongst the living.
356
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,188
Your place is in the spirit world now.
357
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,718
Go off frae here and rest.
358
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:57,199
It's not rest I'm needing, Isa.
It's a box of Special K.
359
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,914
Isa, give deid Wullie his box of Special K.
360
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,919
For the last time, I'm not deid.
Look, can a deid guy do this?
361
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:06,635
Can he?
362
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,278
- All right, all right. I believe you.
- Oh, Wullie!
363
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,358
I've got that painting.
364
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,199
Winston!
365
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:25,789
Winston!
366
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,312
(SITAR PLAYING)
367
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,797
You better not bother Navid.
368
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,639
He's an arsehole.
369
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,152
Oh, look who it isnae.
370
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,749
Oh, that is fantastic patter, Bobby.
371
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:52,879
- Who are we not today, you prick!
- Two lager, you fanny!
372
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,911
Christ, what's the matter with you two?
373
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,519
Ah, that big bastard Navid.
Still hasn't invited us to that wedding.
374
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,835
Oh, really? That's sad.
375
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,436
That'd bring a tear to your eye, eh?
376
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:06,869
I'm away.
377
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,914
Let me, erm, dry my eyes.
378
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:11,912
(SITAR PLAYING)
379
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,389
You've to go? You've to go and we've no.
380
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,069
You, the black-hearted
bastard barman for the Clansman, eh?
381
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,430
Well, that's just bloody dandy, innit?
382
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:27,959
That's me away, Bobby.
383
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,118
Is it raining outside, boys, is it?
384
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,390
Aye, it's spitting now.
385
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,790
Oh, here, I'd better mind
and wear my hat then, eh?
386
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,751
(SITAR PLAYING)
387
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,038
Jack. Victor.
388
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,917
- You're more than welcome to have our invites.
- Eh?
389
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,837
My sister, Mary, has to go in for a bypass
the night before.
390
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,433
I'll be up to high doe.
391
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,432
We just wouldn't enjoy it, would we, Charlie?
392
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,873
- No, we couldnae.
- No, you're all right, sweetheart.
393
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,310
Take them. It's not our kind of thing, anyway.
394
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,229
Singing and dancing, all that rich food.
395
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:11,714
It's not for us.
396
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:13,755
On you go.
397
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,591
That was a load of pish!
398
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,792
Away you go, you pair of silly old bastards.
399
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,549
Do you think we'd miss a night oot like that?
400
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,431
What youse all bloody laughing at, eh?
Think it's funny, eh?
401
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,677
Well, get it right up youse...
402
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,476
Me and my pal Jack, we wouldnae go now
even if we were asked.
403
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,240
The humiliation we've had to endure, eh?
404
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:41,629
Ah!
405
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:50,430
(JACK AND VICTOR ARGUING)
406
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,793
Give me that. It says "Victor" on it. Back off!
407
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,392
(SITAR PLAYING)
408
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,956
Mummy, Daddy, it's beautiful. Just beautiful.
409
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,469
Does it say "Victor and friend," or no?
410
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,393
Let's see, shall we?
411
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,234
(MUMBLING)
412
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:14,629
No.
413
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,674
What are you gonna wear, Bobby boy?
Gonna wear a suit?
414
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,552
Oh, yes, a suit, aye.
415
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,636
- Yourself, Victor?
- Aye, me and all.
416
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,952
I'm going to the wedding, me!
I'm going to the wedding.
417
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:39,118
No disrespect, Pete,
but you're a pish-stained rancid tramp.
418
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,877
How in the name of Christ
do you get to go to that wedding...
419
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,319
Let me see that.
420
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,479
(SITAR PLAYING)
421
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:48,158
"Jack." It says "Jack"!
422
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:50,234
That's my name.
423
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,632
- Your name's Pete.
- No, I've always been called Jack.
424
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,034
It's a nickname.
425
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:56,999
- For what?
- For Pete.
426
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,118
Jack is short for Pete.
427
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:02,709
I found it.
428
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,999
- It must have fallen out of my Racing Post.
- Aye.
429
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:07,758
That's your invite, Jack.
430
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:10,070
Right, you, you smelly bastard, oot.
431
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,918
Look, I've said already, Isa.
We were already at Wullie's funeral.
432
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:32,473
No, we werenae.
433
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,517
He was in the hospital, right?
434
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,029
And a nurse comes in, right? And sees...
435
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,436
- Wullie Mackintosh?
- Aye.
436
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,589
Jesus. So, so they both...
437
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,279
The two of them...
438
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,516
- Oh, Jesus.
- Aye.
439
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,439
Wullie might as well be deid.
We've emptied his bloody house.
440
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:56,677
I suppose that means we've got to go
around to everyone and get all his stuff.
441
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,394
- That doesnae belong to him.
- And gie it back to him.
442
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:00,995
No.
443
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,839
Right, Isa. You get a table. We'll get them in.
444
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,949
- Hey-ho.
- Congratulations. Smashing.
445
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:14,072
Oh, am I glad we're here.
I am going to get pished.
446
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,668
You know, you're going to have
to wheel me home in a barrow.
447
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:20,352
- You're gonna take something to eat?
- Oh, I'm gonna eat my weight.
448
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,199
See, line the stomach, means you can drink mair.
449
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,756
- What's this?
- Shut.
450
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,312
Victor, Jack. Good to see you. Thanks for coming.
451
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:33,919
Aye, aye, Navid. Where's the drink?
452
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,598
No drink at a Muslim wedding, Jack.
453
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,393
- Nae drink?
- I know. Bastard, isn't it?
454
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:40,950
You can have a soft drink at the cash bar.
455
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,073
- Hello.
- Oh, look at you. That's smashing.
456
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:48,838
Aye, very smart indeed, Winston.
457
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,269
You look like you fell off a shortbread tin.
458
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,719
I like the kilt, you know. Comfy, isn't it?
459
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,274
Also leaves your tackle free
to dangle about and all.
460
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:01,393
So, Winston? What does a true Scotsman
keep under his kilt, eh?
461
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,753
At a Muslim wedding...
462
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:05,912
What's everybody having?
463
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:09,230
I'll have that wee miniature there.
464
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:35,595
Chuffed with it, you know.
465
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:39,030
One, two, three, four, slices of toast
all toasting away at one time.
466
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,229
Jack?
467
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,233
Put the toaster away, eh? Let us get our pints.
468
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:45,835
(DOOR OPENING)
469
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:47,598
- Oh, Jesus.
- What?
470
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:50,473
- Wullie Mackintosh.
- Eh? Oh.
471
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,434
- Hello there, Wullie. How are you?
- Lads.
472
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,115
- We heard you're no deid.
- Aye.
473
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,270
- Smashing.
- You must be chuffed, Wullie. Back from the deid.
474
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,319
My house was tanned.
475
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,431
(MURMURING IN SYMPATHY)
476
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,073
(ALL CLICKING TONGUES)
477
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:11,159
But as it is, my postie seen who done it.
478
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:14,237
(CHATTERING)
479
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,314
Get this, it was four old guys.
480
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,119
- Four old guys?
- Robbing, eh?
481
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:23,589
Took the lot.
482
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,593
I cannae even make myself
a wee slice of toast in the morning.
483
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,872
- Aye, that's too bad, eh?
- Aye, we cannae have that, can we, Jack?
484
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,876
- Eh?
- Here, Wullie, take a lend of this one.
485
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,513
It's a four slicer.
486
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,792
- Oh, no. I couldnae.
- Don't be daft.
487
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,233
- Wire in.
- Well, I'll take a wee loan of it.