- Pension day, eh? - Highlight of the week.
- Pathetic, eh? - Aye, it's piss poor.
Och, I'm not standing behind that.
Erm, we havenae...
(WHISTLING SOFTLY)
No, we havenae, no. Not for a wee while.
You up for it?
Post office special. Always, my friend, always.
- Ready? - Ready.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, my...
Hello there, sweetheart. I came for my pension. I think you'll find that's all in order there.
False alarm. Right as rain. Lovely.
Oh, Victor McDade, as I live and breathe.
Jack Jarvis, the man himself. Excuse me.
(CROWD CHATTERING)
- Easy. - What?
What's the matter with you? Oh, shut up.
Oh, what is that?
What is that smell, eh? Oh, wait.
Don't tell us. My friend here has a nose for perfumes, don't you, Jack?
- Indeed I do. It's never let me down, either. - Off you trot.
Brut 33.
No? Okay.
Old Spice? Oh, still no joy.
Got it. Hai Karate.
You'll have to forgive me today, sweetheart. Bunged up with a cold, you see.
Here's your L78, Mr Jarvis.
Of course, in reality, it's only L58, is it not, Jack?
Aye, that's right. 'Cause that's all I'll have left after I've paid you and I into the Plaza.
- Have I still got it? - Yes, indeedy, boy.
See you later, sweetheart. Thanks for that.
- Hi, Jack, Victor. - Tam.
Oh, no, no, the dizziness.
Too late, Tam.
(JACK AND VICTOR HUMMING)
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
Oh. Victor!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Victor!
What, Jack?
You need to see this. Come on, hurry up before it goes away.
Now. That there, boy, is a DeLonghi, right?
Four slices, it's got the crumb tray in it, cool-touch walls.
See? That is the Rolls-Royce of toasters.
Aye. I'm going to get myself one of them.
Aye, well.
Anything will be better than that heap of shit that you've had for the last 40 year.
Oh, it's served me well, that. Aye, that's a Thorn. It's got three settings, that.
Aye, black, black, burnt.
- Oh. - It's you, Isa. Where you off to?
Navid's. On my way to do my shift.
That was close. Got off lightly there.
Winston, I'm glad I caught ye there. I completely forgot to tell ye.
Tell me what, Isa?
Well, I never buy The Times.
There's usually nothing in it you havenae read in the real papers.
Just the same old news again, later on. Rubbish, really.
And there's nae point paying twice for it.
Anyhows, don't ask me why, but I bought one.
And I was flipping through it, then suddenly...
- What are you doing, Winston? - I'm trying to fast-forward you to the punch line.
- What? - Get to the end of the story.
- Aye, well, I was flipping through it... - The end.
- At the intimations section... - The end, mind.
- Wullie Mackintosh is deid. - Thank you.
- Some holiday, that. - Hello.
- Who is it? - (SARCASTICALLY) Come in. My door was open.
Look at that, eh? Fox's Classics.
You aye got a right snobby, poofy biscuit at Jack's, don't you, Victor?
- I brung them. - Did you? Aye, tasty, though.
I love the, erm, oh, mmm, you know, the chocolaty way that the...
That's plenty.
Wullie Mackintosh is deid.
- Is he? - Aye. Isa showed me in the paper.
Died in the hospital.
- When are they planting him? - The service is on Thursday.
That bastard was into me for 30 quid.
Get in line. I fitted a gas cooker for him and he's yet to square me up for it.
Aye, I lent him something. What was it again?
I cannae remember. I definitely did lend him something, though.
Aye, he was a scrounging bastard.
JACK: Is that you? Oh, aye, is that you? VICTOR: Mmm-hmm, that's me.
Oh, magic, magic. No, no, that's pure quality.
No, no. Thanks very much. Thanks.
Meena, that's the car sorted.
Mercedes Benz, S-Class. Fantastic, huh?
Okay.
Ah, don't get too excited, arsehole.
(SPEAKING PUNJABl)
Oh, stop it, Meena. I'm shitting myself.
Look at me quaking in my boots. Come ahead then, Meena, huh? Come ahead then.
You can give me a kicking when you move your fat arse off that stool.
- That's Wullie Mackintosh deid. - Who?
Wullie Mackintosh with the Gorbachev mark on his head.
Huh?
- Like a bird that shat blood on his head. - Oh, Wullie Mackintosh.
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Oh, for God's sake.
Oh, Meena?
(SPEAKING PUNJABl)
Who?
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
(SPEAKING PUNJABl)
He was on my tick list.
- Tick list for what? - Owed me 11 quid.
That's Gypsy Creams up two pence a packet.
- That's me done, then. - Oh, righto, Isa.
I heard you on the phone there.
You've got your cars then, for the...
- Yes, Isa. The wedding. - Wedding, aye.
Mercedes Benz.
- S-Class. - S-Class.
Luxury.
So, what days are you wanting me on next week, Navid?
Monday, Wednesday and Friday?
- Oh, no, Isa. No Friday. - Oh, no. Aye, the wedding, right.
Right, Isa. Let's you and me dispense with the verbal sparring.
Now, next Friday is the wedding of the year in our community.
Everybody who is anyone will be there.
The Jaffar family are going, the Singhs are going,
the Kumars, even the Ashoka people are coming.
And a few valued customers from the shop will be invited.
Now, you, Isa, are a nosey bastard.
Oh, now you wait here a minute, Navid.
Tact, not insult.
It is only natural you should peddle around,
angling in the desperation to be one of the lucky few.
Now, in one of these envelopes is your wages from last week.
And in the other, an invite to the Asian society wedding of the year.
Pick the one, and forfeit the other, hmm?
(CHUCKLING)
Look at the state of you, Isa, all jangly. I'm only pulling your pisser. They're both for you.
(NAVID LAUGHING)
(SITAR PLAYING)
See, you'll get four slices all in there at the same time.
And they're toasting simultaneously,
the same time as all the rest of them in tandem, you know.
Jack, for God's sake, give the toaster a break, eh?
- Wullie Mackintosh, eh? - Aye.
He was in my class at school.
Snotty wee bastard, you know? "I have a nose bleed."
Aye, and nae family.
I wish I could remember what it was I lent him.
Doesn't Winston have a key for his house?
Aye, he does, aye. 'Cause he was feeding the cat when Wullie was in the hospital, aye.
So we could get in, if we wanted to.
Here, wait a minute, you. You're not suggesting we go up there
and rummage through a deid man's house?
Aye.
That's a cracking idea, aye. With him no having any family.
Well, it's nigh on a perfect rummaging scenario!
If there's any money lying about, I'm due the first 30 quid.
Oh, that's a given, aye.
- Hello, lads. - Oh, Jesus, Isa!
That's Wullie Mackintosh deid.
- For once, your information is second-hand. - Aye, Winston told us.
Terrible, eh?
- Aye, it's bad, aye. - Aye, it's terrible, aye.
Terrible thing to say, but
there he's deid and he never gave me back a good Calor Gas heater I lent him.
Really? Aye, that wasnae like him, eh?
Ideally, if there was a key I could go up there and get it back.
Aye, you could right enough, Isa.
- Aye, if there was such a thing as a key... - Aye, a key would be, would be handy.
Hello, Winston.
I was just saying there, Winston, Wullie had my heater.
A key would be handy.
- I've got a key. - Oh.
For my house, which is handy for getting in and out.
'Cause otherwise I'd have to use the window which would be pish.
That's smashing for you.
I'll away. Look here, before I forget.
Have a look at this.
(SITAR PLAYING)
- Oh, that is beautiful. - What is that?
That, boys, is an invite to Navid's daughter's wedding.
I heard about that, you jammy bastard.
How'd you get your hands on that?
He's inviting a few select friends and customers.
Aye, well, he better be inviting me 'cause I'm never oot of his shop.
Aye, I'm a select friend and customer.
- Half my bloody pension goes in his till. - See youse after.
Jammy old boot.
- Have you been asked? - Not yet. But I'm going, I'm definitely going.
- How's that? - Never you mind.
Let's just say Wullie Mac has left me a gift frae the grave, and I'll be going up to get it.
Aye, well, we'll be going along with you. He borrowed a lot of stuff off a load of people.
Now we need to start a list, aye.
JACK: Oh, that's lovely. VICTOR: Aye, it is...
What was Winston on about, eh?
All that "gift frae the grave" pish.
Aye. Well, maybe Wullie had a shotgun belong to him
and maybe he's going to blast his way into the wedding, eh?
I'll tell you something, Jack. It will kill me if that bastard gets one
- and we don't. - Oh, aye, absolutely. I've been trying to...
(HORN BLARING)
(SHOUTING ANGRILY)
Whoa! You pair of old duffers!
- Get out the road, you dozy pair of... - Are you blind, you bastard?
Victor! Jack! How about youse? You're looking well.
Tam, Jesus! What are you doing driving a van?
I was up at the Cash and Carry...
Navid.
- You're angling for an invite, you wide-o. - No, I was just being neighbourly.
Aye, I'm curry daft. I've got to be at that wedding. I cannae miss it.
- Oh, by the way, Wullie Mackintosh is deid. - Who?
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Oh, aye.
That bastard's got a deep-fat fryer belonging to me.
That old prick didn't have anything that didnae belong to someone else.
Borrowing bastard.
Anyway, they're planting him tomorrow.
- What's in the van? - Oh, the lot.
Here, can I interest you in a couple of bottles of Lucozade?
No.
Oh, come on, take the edge off. A couple of bottles of Lucozade.
- I don't like. - They're just sitting here. Now, come on.
- There they are. - Aye, all right.
- L1.20. - Are you ripping the piss?
- You want to charge us for them? - L1.20. Come on, now.
Right.
I cannae go about giving out Navid's merchandise for free.
He'll have my guts for garters come the stocktake.
I've got to keep my eye on the ball. I've got to think of that invite.
Hey, come on, move.
(CHURCH BELL RINGING)
Jesus, when was that?
- When was that exactly? - It must have been eight years ago.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Nae danger, Kenny. We'll get that sorted for you, eh? Okay.
What does he want?
Oh, he wants us to retrieve a pair of wally dugs
that Wullie hoovered off him in, get this, 1937.
'37? He's over ninety year old.
So, I'm standing outside the Gaumont, waiting to get in to see The Wizard of Oz,
and that bastard Wullie was poncing stuff even back then, eh?
This list is getting stupid, Jack.
Very apt, Father. Very, very nice, very fitting.
Yes, very apt, indeed. Very nice and personal. Nice and personal.
- Well, that was a shower of shite, wasn't it? - It never ceases to amaze me
how wrong these tits get it, you know what I mean?
"Fine, upstanding member of the community." My arse! He's never met Wullie in his life.
It's not that. He's spouting that shite twelve times a day, you know what I mean?
- Will you be joining us for the meal, gentlemen? - Oh, that will be very nice, aye.
Yes, that would be lovely. Lovely, Father, yes.
- What would be lovely? - We're invited up for some free scran...
- Ah, a nice meal, kindly. - Aye, steak pie, probably.
Uh. Oh, no, Father, we can't.
A prior engagement.
Eh?
We're going to pay our respects to Wullie privately.
Oh, really? Where are you off to?
Uh, you see, the thing is, Father,
Wullie was an awful tapper, you see, and his,
his house is cram-packed full of stuff that doesnae belong to him.
So while everybody's paying their respects here, we'll go up there and we'll start rummaging...
- Victor? - Yes, Jack.
Don't let this ever happen to me.
All the milk all stacked up there and nobody even coming to check on me.
That would never happen, Jack.
For I would cancel my own milk and simply take yours.
Free milk!
- Deid man's milk? - Best to give.
And I would continue to do so until the relevant authorities corrected their error.
Excuse me, watch your backs.
(VICTOR CLEARING THROAT)
- What's your name, son? - Chris.
Chris. Caring Chris.
Caring Chris, the community postman.
Take a second, Chris, and tell me what's wrong.
Tell us all, in fact, what's wrong with this picture.
Shite load of milk?
What does that tell us about the occupant of the property, Chris?
- He's not into milk. - Not into milk.
See, if you look at the milk closest to the door, Chris,
you'll observe that it's no longer milk but, in fact, cheese.
Notice the stuffed letterbox. It would appear the occupant is also "not into letters".
Or papers as such.
Now, Chris, you dim-witted prick,
tell us what's wrong with the man that lives in this house.
Is he deid?
This is interfering with Her Majesty's post.
Right, boys, check our watches. We've got an hour before Navid realises his van's missing.
- Who's got the list? - I've got the list, aye.
ALL: # My mate Joe's a burglar #
Four slices. Does them all at the one time, you see.
That's got to be mair toast than you would ever need, eh?
Aye, Jack, aye. You're right.
What is it youse are looking at there?
That's a lot of shite, that.
It is shite. But that there is my passport to pakora.
- Eh? - I was never that keen on it, you know.
Wullie hoached it off me about 20 odd year ago,
and now I'm claiming it back and I'm going to give it to Navid.
He's Taj Mahal daft.
See, when he sees that, he's gonna be that grateful I'll find myself one invite up.
You fly bastard.
There we are.
- You had a gravy boat there. Betty Collins. - Oh, aye.
Here, do you remember yet what it is you lent him?
No, it's doing my nut in and all.
You'd better hurry up and mind, you know.
- Only the bedroom now and that's us. - Aye.
JACK: I'll list it. Sort it oot.
That was it! That's what I lent him.
You mean you forgot you lent him a bloody... What is that?
It's a raccoon. Fiona sent it frae Canada.
Yeah.
I've always liked it. Jean never ever liked it. Frightened her, do you know what I mean?
That's why I was only too happy to lend it to Wullie, you know.
- It's a belter right enough, isn't it? - Aye, it is a belter.
Hello, you...
(COUGHING)
- It's a bit manky, right enough. - He's not looked after that at all, has he?
Aye, well, what do you want us to do, phone RSPCA?
Not at all. I'll hoover it up, it'll hoover up smashing.
Come on, we'll get it in the van. Come on you, you cheeky wee monkey.
There you are, Eric. This invite is for you and the good lady wife.
Magic, Navid.
(SITAR PLAYING)
That's fantastic.
And keep the wee neds from hanging about outside the shop.
Aye, will do.
Thanks, Officer.
Hello, gentlemen. Ah, lovely big fellow that, huh?
So, do you like the new painting?
- Oh, aye. Smashing. Very nice, indeed, aye. - Taj Mahal.
Just saying, Meena, it's a smashing painting Navid's got up there.
(MEENA SIGHING)
Oh, don't ask her anything. Ignorant bastard.
She thought the Sistine Chapel was in the Gorbals.
So, what can I do you for?
- Fry's Cream. - A piece of Bubbaloo.
Fry's Cream
and Bubbaloo.
Oh, I'm glad you came in.
Steady.
There you go, Racing Post.
Delivery boy's off. His dog got killed.
- That's it. Racing Post. - That's our whack?
Yes, gentlemen. That is your whack.
- Right. - Fine.
Charming.
(SNICKERING)
- Hey, where do you keep your Special K, Navid? - Wullie Mackintosh.
You're deid, you're deid.
No, I'm not.
Aye, you are. Everyone was at your funeral yesterday.
Navid, I'm not deid.
I was in the hospital but I'm not deid.
- Isa? - Aye?
Sure he's deid?
We buried you yesterday, Wullie.
I was so sorry to hear of your passing, but you've got to move on.
You cannae wander about amongst the living.
Your place is in the spirit world now.
Go off frae here and rest.
It's not rest I'm needing, Isa. It's a box of Special K.
Isa, give deid Wullie his box of Special K.
For the last time, I'm not deid. Look, can a deid guy do this?
Can he?
- All right, all right. I believe you. - Oh, Wullie!
I've got that painting.
Winston!
(SITAR PLAYING)
You better not bother Navid.
He's an arsehole.
Oh, look who it isnae.
Oh, that is fantastic patter, Bobby.
- Who are we not today, you prick! - Two lager, you fanny!
Christ, what's the matter with you two?
Ah, that big bastard Navid. Still hasn't invited us to that wedding.
Oh, really? That's sad.
That'd bring a tear to your eye, eh?
I'm away.
Let me, erm, dry my eyes.
(SITAR PLAYING)
You've to go? You've to go and we've no.
You, the black-hearted bastard barman for the Clansman, eh?
Well, that's just bloody dandy, innit?
That's me away, Bobby.
Is it raining outside, boys, is it?
Aye, it's spitting now.
Oh, here, I'd better mind and wear my hat then, eh?
(SITAR PLAYING)
Jack. Victor.
- You're more than welcome to have our invites. - Eh?
My sister, Mary, has to go in for a bypass the night before.
I'll be up to high doe.
We just wouldn't enjoy it, would we, Charlie?
- No, we couldnae. - No, you're all right, sweetheart.
Take them. It's not our kind of thing, anyway.
Singing and dancing, all that rich food.
It's not for us.
On you go.
That was a load of pish!
Away you go, you pair of silly old bastards.
Do you think we'd miss a night oot like that?
What youse all bloody laughing at, eh? Think it's funny, eh?
Well, get it right up youse...
Me and my pal Jack, we wouldnae go now even if we were asked.
The humiliation we've had to endure, eh?
Ah!
(JACK AND VICTOR ARGUING)
Give me that. It says "Victor" on it. Back off!
(SITAR PLAYING)
Mummy, Daddy, it's beautiful. Just beautiful.
Does it say "Victor and friend," or no?
Let's see, shall we?
(MUMBLING)
No.
What are you gonna wear, Bobby boy? Gonna wear a suit?
Oh, yes, a suit, aye.
- Yourself, Victor? - Aye, me and all.
I'm going to the wedding, me! I'm going to the wedding.
No disrespect, Pete, but you're a pish-stained rancid tramp.
How in the name of Christ do you get to go to that wedding...
Let me see that.
(SITAR PLAYING)
"Jack." It says "Jack"!
That's my name.
- Your name's Pete. - No, I've always been called Jack.
It's a nickname.
- For what? - For Pete.
Jack is short for Pete.
I found it.
- It must have fallen out of my Racing Post. - Aye.
That's your invite, Jack.
Right, you, you smelly bastard, oot.
Look, I've said already, Isa. We were already at Wullie's funeral.
No, we werenae.
He was in the hospital, right?
And a nurse comes in, right? And sees...
- Wullie Mackintosh? - Aye.
Jesus. So, so they both...
The two of them...
- Oh, Jesus. - Aye.
Wullie might as well be deid. We've emptied his bloody house.
I suppose that means we've got to go around to everyone and get all his stuff.
- That doesnae belong to him. - And gie it back to him.
No.
Right, Isa. You get a table. We'll get them in.
- Hey-ho. - Congratulations. Smashing.
Oh, am I glad we're here. I am going to get pished.
You know, you're going to have to wheel me home in a barrow.
- You're gonna take something to eat? - Oh, I'm gonna eat my weight.
See, line the stomach, means you can drink mair.
- What's this? - Shut.
Victor, Jack. Good to see you. Thanks for coming.
Aye, aye, Navid. Where's the drink?
No drink at a Muslim wedding, Jack.
- Nae drink? - I know. Bastard, isn't it?
You can have a soft drink at the cash bar.
- Hello. - Oh, look at you. That's smashing.
Aye, very smart indeed, Winston.
You look like you fell off a shortbread tin.
I like the kilt, you know. Comfy, isn't it?
Also leaves your tackle free to dangle about and all.
So, Winston? What does a true Scotsman keep under his kilt, eh?
At a Muslim wedding...
What's everybody having?
I'll have that wee miniature there.
Chuffed with it, you know.
One, two, three, four, slices of toast all toasting away at one time.
Jack?
Put the toaster away, eh? Let us get our pints.
(DOOR OPENING)
- Oh, Jesus. - What?
- Wullie Mackintosh. - Eh? Oh.
- Hello there, Wullie. How are you? - Lads.
- We heard you're no deid. - Aye.
- Smashing. - You must be chuffed, Wullie. Back from the deid.
My house was tanned.
(MURMURING IN SYMPATHY)
(ALL CLICKING TONGUES)
But as it is, my postie seen who done it.
(CHATTERING)
Get this, it was four old guys.
- Four old guys? - Robbing, eh?
Took the lot.
I cannae even make myself a wee slice of toast in the morning.
- Aye, that's too bad, eh? - Aye, we cannae have that, can we, Jack?
- Eh? - Here, Wullie, take a lend of this one.
It's a four slicer.
- Oh, no. I couldnae. - Don't be daft.
- Wire in. - Well, I'll take a wee loan of it.