I love this square - watching the goings-on.
Years ago, you'd never have sat here to eat your lunch.
It's more cosmopolitan nowadays.
People know how to behave themselves. We're all Europeans now.
If we had the weather, you could be sitting in Paris or Rome -
watching all the lovely young fellas with their shirts aff.
Get off! Come on! Can't you leave me alone!
Oh-h!
Hey! Says no ball games. Can you no' read?
< Shut up, you old dick!
I hate this bloody park.
Me an a' - a picnic in Bosnia.
Can you smell shite? No. I can smell shite.
Aye, Jack. That's what I made up - two pieces and shite!
Here's a flask of piss to go alang with them.
I'm no' imagining it. I can definitely smell shite.
Oh-h!
It's brand new, an' all - fresh out the station, that.
Course that's all people use this park for nowadays, Jack, you know.
Emptying their dogs' guts.
Used to be all go in this park years ago. Oh, aye.
There were a bandstand, sure, a swing park, wee sandpit.
Used to get a pokey hat there.
Do you think someone should bring a camera and catch these bastards
letting their dogs do their manky business here?
Yeah - "Hey, you, get that picked up, get that muck disposed of."
Aye. DOG BARKS
Sit. Jesus! That annoys you, doesn't it...
What?
...my dog doing a big turd in the park, man? No.
No, your park, our park, doesnae matter, wire in.
You think I should pick that up, don't you? No.
Aye, you dae, but I'm not gonnae. I'm gonnae leave it there. Smashing.
Isn't that right, Kaiser? ...Could make you pick it up. Sure you could.
That's what to do. Hands all shite.
Right, come on, Kaiser. Come on. Hurry up.
I hate this park.
Aye, me an' all.
MEN HUM CHEERFULLY
Here, what about that bench there? Oh, I forgot about that.
What are you two daeing up here?
Are you visiting somebody? Is that compost? Will you tidy that up?
I hope you're gonnae move that bench. What are youse doing?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And mind your own business, you nosy old cow.
It was a '60s film. Hold on.
Hey, you old duffers do nothing all day, apart from watch the telly,
what's that horror film, '60s, big fella, nearly got Frankenstein?
Attack Of The Lazy Bastard Barman. Asshole Barman Of The Swamp.
I Married The Dobber Barman From The Clansman!
Two pints. I don't know why I don't bar you two.
Cos you fancy us, you big woofter.
When you're done looking at wur asses, could we get wur pints?
Och, I don't know, Jack.
If I was 20 years younger, I would have booted
that clown in the park right intae the pond.
I'd have stuck my hand down that dug's throat
and ripped its bastard lungs out. Who's getting it now?
Asshole ned lording it down that park. Had one of them devil dogs.
What were you gonnae do - rip its lungs out?
If need be, yeah.
What would you be doing? Giving the ned a scheme booting? Naturally.
What I'd give to be at that fight -
two frail old men against a handy bastard and his wean-eating dug.
I'd root for me pals, but in my pocket would be
a betting slip with "ned" and "dug" on it.
Couple of eejits! Ha-bloody-ha(!)
We're not going back intae that park. I'll not be back either.
What's with the plant? This is the reason
we won't have to go back to that shitty park.
Oh, nice, Eric, a Pieris japonica, low maintenance, very rewarding.
What's that you've got? This is a eucalyptus tree - nice scent,
aromatic, 40 feet in ten year unmaintained. Nice.
Right, Percy Thrower, spill it.
Cannae. Get it out. No, no, no.
It'll be a nice surprise for you, that's all I'm saying.
Eh? Look, youse live on the same landing as Isa, right?
Isa's the Daily Bugle, the Gestapo.
She'd have you strapped to a chair, drilling teeth for information.
She can do that all day to me - I wear falsers.
This is too big. She cannae find out about it.
You're information casualties. Bide your time.
Oh, hello, Isa. Hello, Navid. Here you are.
Tell us the latest gossip... in less than one minute, cos Colombo's gonnae start.
One minute. All the hooses in Samson Court
have to get double-glazed for nothing - the council's doing them.
I thought my block would be next,
but Gina Maguire said she's been waiting three years.
Jeannie's boy's working.
Didnae want it, but he'd to pay for the damage in the Laundromat.
Good news for the bookie's brother. He'll no' lose his eye.
He'll never look right, but he gets to keep it.
I caught Tam and Big Arthur up to no good in the foyer,
lifting benches and plants and all sorts.
Ah've no idea what's going on there, Navid, but I'll find out.
Best for last, you mind old Ronnie, him that was on Mastermind? Well...
COLOMBO THEME PLAYS Oh, I'm outta time!
You're all right. It's the one with William Shatner. Load of shite.
So, what was his chosen subject?
World War II. He lost by one point cos he passed on Bismarck.
The most famous boat in the war. He's in the loony bin.
Eh? Stripped to his drawers, dancing away in George Square. Me and Sadie seen him.
Jesus, that's a shame, huh? Another good customer down.
DOG BARKS
Oh, where are you going? I'm coming to you.
I was coming to you. You were at me last night. Did you not come to me?
We saw that chef bollocks. Wasn't that the night before? Don't know.
You take your biscuits back and we'll eat these.
What were you bringing? Tunnock's Tea Cakes - the daddy of them all.
Accept no substitutes. We'll wire into them too.
No, these would be eaten if I was coming to you. What did you bring?
Rich Tea - apologies for that. We'll wire into yours. We will not!
These go back in the cupboard until I come to you. Those are the rules.
You couldn't go into a man's house and eat his biscuits -
that would be lawlessness, anarchy, a downward spiral. Och, shut up!
We'll have one each, but we're no' finishing them!
Aww, is that them done? Tut! They were smashing.
Christ, you wouldnae think you could eat three. You ate four!
Pish! I had three. Would you like me to prove it?
Yes, I would enjoy that. Present your case. Right.
You do this really annoying thing, Jack,
where you take the foil and you roll it up into a wee ball.
You've always done it. It's obsessive behaviour.
Now, observe the remains.
You can clearly see four balls.
Right, I'll accept that.
Four, eh? Wait a minute - "obsessive behaviour"?
What do you call that?
You have tension in your anus - that's what it's called.
Thank you, Sigmund(!) They've got hospitals for people like you.
You're gonnae end up like Ronnie. Jeezo, Ronnie, eh?
What do you make of that, Jack?
According to Navid, he was running about in his smalls,
slap bang in George Square, daft.
What a come-down - from Mastermind to your scants.
He used to be in that library every day.
Boning up on book after book about war boats.
He knew everything there was to know - the Hood, USS Indianapolis.
Aye, U-boats. He even knew the sizes of all the guns down to the last inch.
What's the one thing he forgets?
BOTH: Bismarck!
Doo-lally old bastard, eh?
Even Magnus was sniggering, eh?
Do you think he snapped? His boy put him in Balgarnock Sanatorium.
I'd shoot myself before I'd go in there - both barrels - bam!
What if you were too feeble-minded to shoot yourself?
Boof! Next minute, you're sitting there getting spoon-fed
by some big bastard nurse with a moustache,
who'd rather see you dead. You'd be sitting next to me.
Eh? Aye. Stinking the place out because you'd shat yourself.
You don't have the strength to lift your skinny arm
to get anyone interested in cleaning it up.
We'll need to go and see him. We'll go the morrow. You could have fitted me up. Eh?
When I went for a pish, you could have taken
one of your flat wrappers, rolled it into a ball,
and placed it next to mine. Good, theory, Jack, plausible,
and it could be true, were it not for the fact
that you're a greedy bastard. The prosecution rests.
Oh! hey! Oh! I've got to clean that up.
Here, you! > Who, me?
Aye, you. What? What are you doing with that bush? Are you George Bush?
Ask him if he's Kate Bush, man. Shut up, man, shut up. ...Are you Kate Bush?
That's right, couple of eejits! Sing us a song, Kate Bush!
Quality, man! Make him sing, man. Hold on a second, son.
See you two, if I wasn't getting on this bus, I'd rip your arms off, you wee tit,
and batter shite out your pal.
You've ripped the arse out of that park, you freak-show bastards!
Not as smart as soon as somebody stands up to you.
Your skinny wee assholes collapse.
Only kidding.
DOG BARKS
50, maybe 60 pounds' worth of devil dog on top of me, tearing at me, trying to eat me.
The whole time I'm giving it body blows. I must have hit it 40 times in the gut -
nothing, didn't even wind it.
Gnash, gnash! Tear! Bite! Slash!
I managed to get my thumb into its eye, but all I've done is annoy it.
I didnae go thirsty. I must have drunk about a pint of its slabbers.
How'd you get it off you? I didnae. It clocked a wee dog and pumped it.
It's a monster. It should be destroyed. Take a whisky, Winston.
Not to worry, eh? I hear your wee project's nearly finished.
That's right, Eric. We open tonight.
Och, this isnae so bad!
Well-kept grounds and that. Aye.
Smell my fingers! Get yoursel tae...
Get them smelt. It's the good stuff.
Oh, you don't know what you're missing.
Oh! It's OK. Calm down.
In you go.
Hello, gentlemen, can I help you?
We're here to see Ronnie Wilson.
Ah, yes, Ronnie. I see you've already met Alex.
Aye, it's a sin, that.
This way, then.
It's a big old building, this. Aye. Typically Victorian.
We've done a fair amount of work to it over the years.
It was bedlam here 100 years ago.
When I first came here, you'd be amazed at the cases.
In here for as little as under-age pregnancy.
It's terrible. Mild depression. That was the days before Prozac. Oh, aye.
Anyway, if you'd like to wait here. Oh. Here?
# Oh, the Camptown ladies sing this song! Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
# The Camptown track is five miles long! Doo-doo-doo-dah-day!
# Doo-doo-doo-dah-day! # HE LAUGHS
HE SHRIEKS HYSTERICALLY
Cheerie-bye noo!
Jack, wait up!
Wait! No way, Jose. I'm outta here. What about Ronnie? Ronnie who?
Let's look at him. That's what we came for.
Victor, no, this place gives me the fear. Sshh!
There he is, there. Oof, I don't want to look.
Is he acting daft? Is he done up like a woman? Is he chugging himself? No!
He looks fine.
CREAKING
Hello, Winston. Isa, you bastard! What are you doing up here?
Mopping the landing. Mopping it for who?
Mr Sinclair. You're right helping out, daeing your wee turns,
keeping on tap of everyone's business.
What's your business? How do you mean? What's in behind that door?
You'd love to know what's behind the door. It kills you not knowing.
Winston, cards on the table, I'm a nosy bastard -
I cannae NO' know what's in behind that door.
See if you were to take out a Colt .45 and jam it against my ear,
I still wouldnae tell you - you'd have to shoot me.
What's that? It's my mobile phone.
My son Colin bought it for me in case I took a fall. Emergencies.
I don't have to dial his number.
I press that..."Phonebook"..."C"... Colin comes up.
Away! Craiglang Library...Council - they're that fiddly, they things.
I've made that mistake a few times. I've meant to call our Colin...
and ended up talking to the Council. PHONE RINGS
All right, I'll take you through the door.
Do you promise not to breathe a word to any living soul about this?
Isa! I promise. Right. Come with me.
Right, Isa, not a word to anybody. Not a word...to anybody.
Isa? ...Isa!
It's too good! It's too good! People have to know.
Isa, you promised! Not a word to anybody. Promise me.
MUFFLED: I promise. You'll choke me, Winston. Let go.
Only if you promise not to tell anybody. I willnae. Right.
You look fine, Ronnie. I must say you do look all right, aye.
Of course I look all right.
There's hee-haw wrong with me.
With all due respect, they'll all be saying that in here.
There's nothing wrong with me. Let me out.
Look, you two, I'm fine. I had one goofy turn in George Square.
A "goofy" turn, Ronnie? Come on. It's no' as if you just went dizzy.
You were in your scants, running about outside the City Chambers.
I know. I'll tell you what happened.
I bought a magazine out of WH Smiths and a pie out of Greggs.
I thought I'd plonk myself on George Square and have a wee read.
I read an article about pensioners who up sticks and go abroad. I doze off.
I don't know how long I was asleep for - a minute, an hour, maybe.
Next thing I know I wake up and I'm ten year old.
I'm on a beach, it's roasting -
I'm telling you.
It didnae seem like a dream or anything, it was real tae me,
so I whips aff the claithes and I'm running about.
I got lifted and I didn't come to
till I'm sitting in the back of the paddy wagon, saying, "I'm OK."
Two hours later, my Norman signs me in here. Bastard!
So, you all right now? Aye, really, I'm fine. Really.
Oh...you look fine to me. ...Does he seem fine to you, Victor?
Which boat, during World War II, was sunk off the coast of...?
Bloody Bismarck! Don't start! That doesnae prove anything.
Let me ask you a question.
How many Jap zero aeroplanes struck the Cornelius on July 27th 1944?
Oh, now you're asking. That's a cracker, that.
Any ideas? I'd be guessing. I'd say four. Four's too many. Say two. We're saying...
Never mind what you're saying. It's 14. 14! Youse didnae know that.
Who's the daftie now? Bang, bang, bang!
You'd think somebody would have phoned after the first two.
The Japs were fly. Always took out the communications first.
Aye, they're fly bastards.
Youse should be in here, no' me!
Can you not sign yourself out, Ronnie? No.
Norman has to do it. He's my only next-of-kin.
Where is he?
Norwich. He says he cannae get back up for another two weeks.
Two weeks! I'm telling you, if I'm here for another two hours,
I'll be as doo-lally as all these other bastards!
So, you're his brothers?
Yes, that's right, we're his next-of-kins.
We've come from abroad. Where?
Canada. Australia.
Kind of Australia. Yeah, New Zealand. Aye.
Sign here...
and here again.
Oh, no, Jack, I insist.
Di-dum-di-dum-di-doh.
Is that us, then?
Not unless you want to stay for your tea. Stay for your tea!
What are youse having for your tea? Come on.
Oh, Sadie, thank God you're in! Hello, Isa.
You will never guess what Winston showed me.
What did Winston show you?
I knew you couldnae keep quiet!
I knew this would be your first port of call, your wee pal.
Come here, you slab of cabbage!
When's the unveiling? After these. No, we wait for Jack and Victor.
I huvnae said a word to them. ...Bobby, pint of lager. No problem.
Is it the hair of the dog(?)
Ha-ha! I'd like to see how you'd have coped with 60 pounds of devil dog on top of you.
You'd have snapped like a twig. No' me.
To render an angry dog helpless, you simply insert a digit up the dog's rectum.
Bob's-your-uncle. It releases its grip and you are a free man.
You're serious? What do you do after you've inserted your finger in the dog's arse?
A cuddle, a post-coital cigarette, plan the future(?)
Puppies, maybe. Away you go, you queer hock!
I want a word with you. What is it?
I've been sitting with Big Arthur, Jeannie Cassidy and Tommy Canavera.
They were delighted to tell me what I've been told not to mention.
That makes me look like a halfwit,
like I know nothing - well, thank you - thank you very much!
Isa, look at the state of you, all raging, just calm down. Stick a finger up her arse!
Oh, Ronnie, how are you doing?
He's fine. He could use a drink, so gie him peace, Isa. Usual, Bobby.
Fancy a Guinness? Oh, aye, lovely.
Great to see you, Ronnie. What's wrong with your face? ...Don't ask.
£1.80, Winston. £1.80?! That's crazy prices.
You'd have to be off your nut to pay that. ...Nae offence, Ronnie.
I've got something to show you. What?
DOG BARKS
Oh-h! Stop shoving!
That was 15 bodies I counted. There's only supposed to be 12.
You can get as many in that lift as you like as long as the doors shut.
It says, "12 persons max."
Only count yourself as one person? Funny guy(!)
Right, everybody, listen up.
As you all know, the park across the road is a shite-hole.
I'm sorry, ladies, but it is - an utter shite-hole.
At great effort, a hardy band has teamed together,
and worked tirelessly to provide rest and recreation for the over-65s of Craiglang.
Follow me to a new dawn.
Right, spread out. ...That's it.
Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to High Park.
CHEERING
Oh, Jesus, it's beautiful!
It's fantastic, isn't it?
Is that sausages I can smell? It is. Let me paint you a picture.
Roll and sausage, paper, sit on the bench. If you want, feed the duck.
Come on. ...Right, Eric, the VIPs.
Ho-ho! So, Winston, is this park just for night-time and that?
No, no, any time, day or night.
Whenever it gets too much, just come up here. Well done, Winston.
Jack! Victor! >
It's a park! First the beach, now a park!
A sky park! Oh, a park in the sky!
This is rare, eh? No' having to watch your back. Aye.
Nae kids on skateboards cutting the toes off you.
Nae dug mess. You could practically come up here in your slippers.
There you are, Jack.
Can we get a seat? We've got it till half-past-three.
Another ten minutes to go. Och! Come on, Jack. We've sat here long enough, eh?
Let them get a wee seat. Thank you.
Enjoy it.
DOG GROWLS Ah, quality!
A park up in the air. Quality, man. A park up high, man!
You've nae business being up here. You've got your own bloody park.
It's full of dog shit. Gonnae start coming here.
You listen to me. This is our park. You've no right being up here.
We built this for wurselves. Can you no' understand that?
There's nae need to be here. Leave us alain.
Nah.
THUMP!
Kaiser!