1
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:38,720
I love this square -
watching the goings-on.

2
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:43,099
Years ago, you'd never have
sat here to eat your lunch.

3
00:00:43,124 --> 00:00:45,680
It's more cosmopolitan nowadays.

4
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:51,560
People know how to behave themselves.
We're all Europeans now.

5
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:56,400
If we had the weather, you could
be sitting in Paris or Rome -

6
00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,880
watching all the lovely
young fellas with their shirts aff.

7
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:05,560
Get off! Come on!
Can't you leave me alone!

8
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,080
Oh-h!

9
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:19,920
Hey! Says no ball games.
Can you no' read?

10
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,400
< Shut up, you old dick!

11
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,320
I hate this bloody park.

12
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,680
Me an a' - a picnic in Bosnia.

13
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,560
Can you smell shite? No.
I can smell shite.

14
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:45,360
Aye, Jack. That's what I made up -
two pieces and shite!

15
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,200
Here's a flask of piss
to go alang with them.

16
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:56,880
I'm no' imagining it.
I can definitely smell shite.

17
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,160
Oh-h!

18
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:05,960
It's brand new, an' all -
fresh out the station, that.

19
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:17,000
Course that's all people use this
park for nowadays, Jack, you know.

20
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,040
Emptying their dogs' guts.

21
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:24,240
Used to be all go in this park
years ago. Oh, aye.

22
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:29,200
There were a bandstand, sure,
a swing park, wee sandpit.

23
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,680
Used to get a pokey hat there.

24
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:36,520
Do you think someone should bring
a camera and catch these bastards

25
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:40,560
letting their dogs
do their manky business here?

26
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:45,480
Yeah - "Hey, you, get that picked
up, get that muck disposed of."

27
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:49,040
Aye.
DOG BARKS

28
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:59,280
Sit. Jesus!
That annoys you, doesn't it...

29
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,760
What?

30
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,360
...my dog doing a big turd
in the park, man? No.

31
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:08,440
No, your park, our park,
doesnae matter, wire in.

32
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,400
You think I should pick that up,
don't you? No.

33
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:17,160
Aye, you dae, but I'm not gonnae.
I'm gonnae leave it there. Smashing.

34
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:22,320
Isn't that right, Kaiser? ...Could
make you pick it up. Sure you could.

35
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,840
That's what to do. Hands all shite.

36
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,600
Right, come on, Kaiser.
Come on. Hurry up.

37
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,400
I hate this park.

38
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,720
Aye, me an' all.

39
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,720
MEN HUM CHEERFULLY

40
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:47,600
Here, what about that bench there?
Oh, I forgot about that.

41
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,640
What are you two daeing up here?

42
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:55,440
Are you visiting somebody? Is that
compost? Will you tidy that up?

43
00:03:55,440 --> 00:04:00,240
I hope you're gonnae move
that bench. What are youse doing?

44
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:06,320
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And mind your
own business, you nosy old cow.

45
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,760
It was a '60s film. Hold on.

46
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:15,400
Hey, you old duffers do nothing
all day, apart from watch the telly,

47
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:20,040
what's that horror film, '60s,
big fella, nearly got Frankenstein?

48
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:24,640
Attack Of The Lazy Bastard Barman.
Asshole Barman Of The Swamp.

49
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:28,120
I Married The Dobber Barman
From The Clansman!

50
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:32,400
Two pints. I don't know why
I don't bar you two.

51
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,960
Cos you fancy us, you big woofter.

52
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:39,640
When you're done looking at
wur asses, could we get wur pints?

53
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,200
Och, I don't know, Jack.

54
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,510
If I was 20 years younger,
I would have booted

55
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:48,680
that clown in the park
right intae the pond.

56
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,892
I'd have stuck my hand
down that dug's throat

57
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:55,720
and ripped its bastard lungs out.
Who's getting it now?

58
00:04:55,720 --> 00:05:01,080
Asshole ned lording it down that
park. Had one of them devil dogs.

59
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,760
What were you gonnae do -
rip its lungs out?

60
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,200
If need be, yeah.

61
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:13,160
What would you be doing? Giving the
ned a scheme booting? Naturally.

62
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,720
What I'd give to be at that fight -

63
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:20,560
two frail old men against a handy
bastard and his wean-eating dug.

64
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:24,118
I'd root for me pals,
but in my pocket would be

65
00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:27,220
a betting slip with
"ned" and "dug" on it.

66
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,016
Couple of eejits!
Ha-bloody-ha(!)

67
00:05:30,041 --> 00:05:35,160
We're not going back intae that park.
I'll not be back either.

68
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,310
What's with the plant?
This is the reason

69
00:05:38,335 --> 00:05:41,704
we won't have to go back
to that shitty park.

70
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:48,960
Oh, nice, Eric, a Pieris japonica,
low maintenance, very rewarding.

71
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:54,000
What's that you've got? This
is a eucalyptus tree - nice scent,

72
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:58,760
aromatic, 40 feet in ten year
unmaintained. Nice.

73
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,880
Right, Percy Thrower, spill it.

74
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,040
Cannae. Get it out. No, no, no.

75
00:06:04,045 --> 00:06:08,060
It'll be a nice surprise for
you, that's all I'm saying.

76
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:12,640
Eh? Look, youse live
on the same landing as Isa, right?

77
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,285
Isa's the Daily
Bugle, the Gestapo.

78
00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:20,260
She'd have you strapped to a chair,
drilling teeth for information.

79
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:24,760
She can do that all day to me -
I wear falsers.

80
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:30,560
This is too big.
She cannae find out about it.

81
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:34,560
You're information casualties.
Bide your time.

82
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:39,280
Oh, hello, Isa. Hello, Navid.
Here you are.

83
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:45,440
Tell us the latest gossip... in less than
one minute, cos Colombo's gonnae start.

84
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,352
One minute. All the
hooses in Samson Court

85
00:06:48,377 --> 00:06:52,720
have to get double-glazed for
nothing - the council's doing them.

86
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,332
I thought my block
would be next,

87
00:06:55,337 --> 00:06:59,460
but Gina Maguire said she's
been waiting three years.

88
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,157
Jeannie's boy's working.

89
00:07:01,182 --> 00:07:05,840
Didnae want it, but he'd to pay
for the damage in the Laundromat.

90
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:09,929
Good news for the bookie's brother.
He'll no' lose his eye.

91
00:07:09,934 --> 00:07:13,180
He'll never look right,
but he gets to keep it.

92
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,383
I caught Tam and Big Arthur
up to no good in the foyer,

93
00:07:17,388 --> 00:07:20,500
lifting benches and
plants and all sorts.

94
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:26,120
Ah've no idea what's going on there,
Navid, but I'll find out.

95
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:32,000
Best for last, you mind old Ronnie,
him that was on Mastermind? Well...

96
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:36,160
COLOMBO THEME PLAYS
Oh, I'm outta time!

97
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:41,080
You're all right. It's the one with
William Shatner. Load of shite.

98
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,760
So, what was his chosen subject?

99
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:49,360
World War II. He lost by one point
cos he passed on Bismarck.

100
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:53,640
The most famous boat in the war.
He's in the loony bin.

101
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:59,560
Eh? Stripped to his drawers, dancing away
in George Square. Me and Sadie seen him.

102
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:04,040
Jesus, that's a shame, huh?
Another good customer down.

103
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,920
DOG BARKS

104
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,760
Oh, where are you going?
I'm coming to you.

105
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:17,800
I was coming to you. You were at me
last night. Did you not come to me?

106
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:22,840
We saw that chef bollocks. Wasn't
that the night before? Don't know.

107
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,400
You take your biscuits back
and we'll eat these.

108
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:31,320
What were you bringing? Tunnock's
Tea Cakes - the daddy of them all.

109
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:35,440
Accept no substitutes.
We'll wire into them too.

110
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:40,520
No, these would be eaten if I was
coming to you. What did you bring?

111
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:45,560
Rich Tea - apologies for that.
We'll wire into yours. We will not!

112
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:50,600
These go back in the cupboard until
I come to you. Those are the rules.

113
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:55,160
You couldn't go into a man's house
and eat his biscuits -

114
00:08:55,160 --> 00:09:00,080
that would be lawlessness, anarchy,
a downward spiral. Och, shut up!

115
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,600
We'll have one each,
but we're no' finishing them!

116
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,720
Aww, is that them done?
Tut! They were smashing.

117
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:15,760
Christ, you wouldnae think you
could eat three. You ate four!

118
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:20,240
Pish! I had three.
Would you like me to prove it?

119
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:24,200
Yes, I would enjoy that.
Present your case. Right.

120
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,428
You do this really
annoying thing, Jack,

121
00:09:29,433 --> 00:09:33,780
where you take the foil and
you roll it up into a wee ball.

122
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:38,000
You've always done it.
It's obsessive behaviour.

123
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,920
Now, observe the remains.

124
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,400
You can clearly see four balls.

125
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,520
Right, I'll accept that.

126
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:53,680
Four, eh? Wait a minute -
"obsessive behaviour"?

127
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,440
What do you call that?

128
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:01,760
You have tension in your anus -
that's what it's called.

129
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:06,640
Thank you, Sigmund(!) They've got
hospitals for people like you.

130
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:12,800
You're gonnae end up like Ronnie.
Jeezo, Ronnie, eh?

131
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,760
What do you make of that, Jack?

132
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:19,543
According to Navid, he was
running about in his smalls,

133
00:10:19,568 --> 00:10:21,840
slap bang in George
Square, daft.

134
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:26,600
What a come-down -
from Mastermind to your scants.

135
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,541
He used to be in that
library every day.

136
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:32,820
Boning up on book after
book about war boats.

137
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,560
He knew everything there was to
know - the Hood, USS Indianapolis.

138
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:43,600
Aye, U-boats. He even knew the sizes
of all the guns down to the last inch.

139
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,120
What's the one thing he forgets?

140
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,760
BOTH: Bismarck!

141
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:52,560
Doo-lally old bastard, eh?

142
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,400
Even Magnus was sniggering, eh?

143
00:10:55,400 --> 00:11:01,120
Do you think he snapped? His boy
put him in Balgarnock Sanatorium.

144
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:06,560
I'd shoot myself before I'd
go in there - both barrels - bam!

145
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:11,240
What if you were too feeble-minded
to shoot yourself?

146
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:15,273
Boof! Next minute, you're sitting
there getting spoon-fed

147
00:11:15,278 --> 00:11:18,260
by some big bastard
nurse with a moustache,

148
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:23,120
who'd rather see you dead.
You'd be sitting next to me.

149
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:27,680
Eh? Aye. Stinking the place out
because you'd shat yourself.

150
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,395
You don't have the strength
to lift your skinny arm

151
00:11:31,420 --> 00:11:34,480
to get anyone interested
in cleaning it up.

152
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:40,560
We'll need to go and see him. We'll go the
morrow. You could have fitted me up. Eh?

153
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,723
When I went for a pish,
you could have taken

154
00:11:43,728 --> 00:11:47,141
one of your flat wrappers,
rolled it into a ball,

155
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:51,920
and placed it next to mine.
Good, theory, Jack, plausible,

156
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,190
and it could be true,
were it not for the fact

157
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:58,824
that you're a greedy bastard.
The prosecution rests.

158
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,160
Oh! hey! Oh!
I've got to clean that up.

159
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,560
Here, you! >
Who, me?

160
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:14,960
Aye, you. What? What are you doing
with that bush? Are you George Bush?

161
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:21,880
Ask him if he's Kate Bush, man. Shut up,
man, shut up. ...Are you Kate Bush?

162
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:27,560
That's right, couple of eejits!
Sing us a song, Kate Bush!

163
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:32,120
Quality, man! Make him sing, man.
Hold on a second, son.

164
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:39,280
See you two, if I wasn't getting on this
bus, I'd rip your arms off, you wee tit,

165
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,600
and batter shite out your pal.

166
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:47,360
You've ripped the arse out of
that park, you freak-show bastards!

167
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:52,000
Not as smart as soon
as somebody stands up to you.

168
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,840
Your skinny wee assholes collapse.

169
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,680
Only kidding.

170
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,120
DOG BARKS

171
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:11,480
50, maybe 60 pounds' worth of devil dog on
top of me, tearing at me, trying to eat me.

172
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:17,240
The whole time I'm giving it body blows.
I must have hit it 40 times in the gut -

173
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,960
nothing, didn't even wind it.

174
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,480
Gnash, gnash! Tear! Bite! Slash!

175
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:28,400
I managed to get my thumb into its
eye, but all I've done is annoy it.

176
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:33,520
I didnae go thirsty. I must have
drunk about a pint of its slabbers.

177
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:38,560
How'd you get it off you? I didnae.
It clocked a wee dog and pumped it.

178
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:44,040
It's a monster. It should be
destroyed. Take a whisky, Winston.

179
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:49,560
Not to worry, eh? I hear
your wee project's nearly finished.

180
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:53,440
That's right, Eric.
We open tonight.

181
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:02,040
Och, this isnae so bad!

182
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,160
Well-kept grounds and that. Aye.

183
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:08,760
Smell my fingers! Get yoursel tae...

184
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,920
Get them smelt. It's the good stuff.

185
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:16,560
Oh, you don't know
what you're missing.

186
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,000
Oh! It's OK. Calm down.

187
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,360
In you go.

188
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,240
Hello, gentlemen, can I help you?

189
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,880
We're here to see Ronnie Wilson.

190
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,840
Ah, yes, Ronnie.
I see you've already met Alex.

191
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,440
Aye, it's a sin, that.

192
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,880
This way, then.

193
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:51,240
It's a big old building, this. Aye.
Typically Victorian.

194
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,000
We've done a fair amount of work
to it over the years.

195
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,640
It was bedlam here 100 years ago.

196
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,701
When I first came here, you'd
be amazed at the cases.

197
00:15:02,706 --> 00:15:06,140
In here for as little
as under-age pregnancy.

198
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:12,640
It's terrible. Mild depression. That
was the days before Prozac. Oh, aye.

199
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,440
Anyway, if you'd like to wait here.
Oh. Here?

200
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:23,920
# Oh, the Camptown ladies
sing this song! Doo-dah! Doo-dah!

201
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:28,000
# The Camptown track is five miles
long! Doo-doo-doo-dah-day!

202
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,240
# Doo-doo-doo-dah-day! #
HE LAUGHS

203
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:37,040
HE SHRIEKS HYSTERICALLY

204
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,560
Cheerie-bye noo!

205
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,200
Jack, wait up!

206
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:49,000
Wait! No way, Jose. I'm outta here.
What about Ronnie? Ronnie who?

207
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,640
Let's look at him.
That's what we came for.

208
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:57,400
Victor, no,
this place gives me the fear. Sshh!

209
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:01,880
There he is, there.
Oof, I don't want to look.

210
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:09,360
Is he acting daft? Is he done up like
a woman? Is he chugging himself? No!

211
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,920
He looks fine.

212
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,240
CREAKING

213
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,720
Hello, Winston. Isa, you bastard!
What are you doing up here?

214
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,160
Mopping the landing.
Mopping it for who?

215
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:52,604
Mr Sinclair. You're right helping
out, daeing your wee turns,

216
00:16:52,629 --> 00:16:55,400
keeping on tap of
everyone's business.

217
00:16:55,400 --> 00:17:00,560
What's your business? How do you
mean? What's in behind that door?

218
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:05,560
You'd love to know what's behind
the door. It kills you not knowing.

219
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:10,120
Winston, cards on the table,
I'm a nosy bastard -

220
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:14,360
I cannae NO' know
what's in behind that door.

221
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:19,120
See if you were to take out a
Colt .45 and jam it against my ear,

222
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:23,880
I still wouldnae tell you -
you'd have to shoot me.

223
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,440
What's that? It's my mobile phone.

224
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:31,800
My son Colin bought it for me
in case I took a fall. Emergencies.

225
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,400
I don't have to dial his number.

226
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:40,400
I press that..."Phonebook"..."C"...
Colin comes up.

227
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:46,240
Away! Craiglang Library...Council -
they're that fiddly, they things.

228
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:52,000
I've made that mistake a few times.
I've meant to call our Colin...

229
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,760
and ended up talking to the Council.
PHONE RINGS

230
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:59,440
All right,
I'll take you through the door.

231
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:05,240
Do you promise not to breathe a
word to any living soul about this?

232
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:10,960
Isa! I promise. Right.
Come with me.

233
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:21,800
Right, Isa, not a word to anybody.
Not a word...to anybody.

234
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,720
Isa? ...Isa!

235
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:37,200
It's too good! It's too good!
People have to know.

236
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:42,560
Isa, you promised!
Not a word to anybody. Promise me.

237
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:47,040
MUFFLED: I promise.
You'll choke me, Winston. Let go.

238
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:51,960
Only if you promise not to tell
anybody. I willnae. Right.

239
00:18:56,360 --> 00:19:01,348
You look fine, Ronnie.
I must say you do look all right, aye.

240
00:19:01,353 --> 00:19:03,580
Of course I look all right.

241
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,636
There's hee-haw wrong with me.

242
00:19:05,641 --> 00:19:09,620
With all due respect, they'll
all be saying that in here.

243
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,566
There's nothing wrong with me.
Let me out.

244
00:19:12,571 --> 00:19:16,900
Look, you two, I'm fine. I had
one goofy turn in George Square.

245
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:21,760
A "goofy" turn, Ronnie? Come on.
It's no' as if you just went dizzy.

246
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:27,200
You were in your scants, running
about outside the City Chambers.

247
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,280
I know. I'll tell you what happened.

248
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:35,200
I bought a magazine out of WH Smiths
and a pie out of Greggs.

249
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:39,920
I thought I'd plonk myself on
George Square and have a wee read.

250
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:46,520
I read an article about pensioners who
up sticks and go abroad. I doze off.

251
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:51,480
I don't know how long I was asleep
for - a minute, an hour, maybe.

252
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,600
Next thing I know
I wake up and I'm ten year old.

253
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,680
I'm on a beach, it's roasting -

254
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,280
I'm telling you.

255
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:06,680
It didnae seem like a dream
or anything, it was real tae me,

256
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:11,240
so I whips aff the claithes
and I'm running about.

257
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,834
I got lifted and
I didn't come to

258
00:20:13,859 --> 00:20:18,800
till I'm sitting in the back of the
paddy wagon, saying, "I'm OK."

259
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:24,040
Two hours later,
my Norman signs me in here. Bastard!

260
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:28,400
So, you all right now?
Aye, really, I'm fine. Really.

261
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:33,360
Oh...you look fine to me.
...Does he seem fine to you, Victor?

262
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:39,560
Which boat, during World War II,
was sunk off the coast of...?

263
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:44,640
Bloody Bismarck! Don't start!
That doesnae prove anything.

264
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,800
Let me ask you a question.

265
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:55,400
How many Jap zero aeroplanes struck
the Cornelius on July 27th 1944?

266
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,960
Oh, now you're asking.
That's a cracker, that.

267
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:05,480
Any ideas? I'd be guessing. I'd say four.
Four's too many. Say two. We're saying...

268
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:10,880
Never mind what you're saying.
It's 14. 14! Youse didnae know that.

269
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,744
Who's the daftie now?
Bang, bang, bang!

270
00:21:13,769 --> 00:21:18,040
You'd think somebody would have
phoned after the first two.

271
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:22,421
The Japs were fly. Always took
out the communications first.

272
00:21:22,426 --> 00:21:24,340
Aye, they're fly bastards.

273
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:27,680
Youse should be in here, no' me!

274
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,240
Can you not sign yourself out,
Ronnie? No.

275
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:35,240
Norman has to do it.
He's my only next-of-kin.

276
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,000
Where is he?

277
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:42,840
Norwich. He says he cannae get
back up for another two weeks.

278
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:47,680
Two weeks! I'm telling you,
if I'm here for another two hours,

279
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,960
I'll be as doo-lally
as all these other bastards!

280
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,440
So, you're his brothers?

281
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:58,040
Yes, that's right,
we're his next-of-kins.

282
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,680
We've come from abroad. Where?

283
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,240
Canada. Australia.

284
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,760
Kind of Australia.
Yeah, New Zealand. Aye.

285
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,280
Sign here...

286
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,640
and here again.

287
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,200
Oh, no, Jack, I insist.

288
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:24,240
Di-dum-di-dum-di-doh.

289
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,000
Is that us, then?

290
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:31,720
Not unless you want to stay
for your tea. Stay for your tea!

291
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,880
What are youse having for your tea?
Come on.

292
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:41,640
Oh, Sadie, thank God you're in!
Hello, Isa.

293
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:45,080
You will never guess
what Winston showed me.

294
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,560
What did Winston show you?

295
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,757
I knew you couldnae keep quiet!

296
00:22:49,762 --> 00:22:54,060
I knew this would be your first
port of call, your wee pal.

297
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,440
Come here, you slab of cabbage!

298
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:05,400
When's the unveiling? After these.
No, we wait for Jack and Victor.

299
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:11,160
I huvnae said a word to them.
...Bobby, pint of lager. No problem.

300
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,400
Is it the hair of the dog(?)

301
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:21,400
Ha-ha! I'd like to see how you'd have coped
with 60 pounds of devil dog on top of you.

302
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:25,000
You'd have snapped like a twig.
No' me.

303
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,720
To render an angry dog helpless, you
simply insert a digit up the dog's rectum.

304
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:38,520
Bob's-your-uncle. It releases
its grip and you are a free man.

305
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:44,960
You're serious? What do you do after you've
inserted your finger in the dog's arse?

306
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,996
A cuddle, a post-coital
cigarette, plan the future(?)

307
00:23:49,021 --> 00:23:52,360
Puppies, maybe. Away you
go, you queer hock!

308
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,000
I want a word with you. What is it?

309
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:59,960
I've been sitting with Big Arthur,
Jeannie Cassidy and Tommy Canavera.

310
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:04,640
They were delighted to tell me
what I've been told not to mention.

311
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,396
That makes me look
like a halfwit,

312
00:24:07,421 --> 00:24:12,200
like I know nothing - well, thank
you - thank you very much!

313
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:18,920
Isa, look at the state of you, all raging,
just calm down. Stick a finger up her arse!

314
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,800
Oh, Ronnie, how are you doing?

315
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:28,640
He's fine. He could use a drink, so
gie him peace, Isa. Usual, Bobby.

316
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,880
Fancy a Guinness? Oh, aye, lovely.

317
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:37,320
Great to see you, Ronnie. What's
wrong with your face? ...Don't ask.

318
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:41,800
£1.80, Winston. £1.80?!
That's crazy prices.

319
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:47,560
You'd have to be off your nut
to pay that. ...Nae offence, Ronnie.

320
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,920
I've got something to show you.
What?

321
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,960
DOG BARKS

322
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,440
Oh-h! Stop shoving!

323
00:24:56,440 --> 00:25:01,160
That was 15 bodies I counted.
There's only supposed to be 12.

324
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:06,367
You can get as many in that lift as
you like as long as the doors shut.

325
00:25:06,392 --> 00:25:08,320
It says, "12 persons max."

326
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,920
Only count yourself as one person?
Funny guy(!)

327
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,480
Right, everybody, listen up.

328
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:19,040
As you all know, the park
across the road is a shite-hole.

329
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:22,600
I'm sorry, ladies, but it is -
an utter shite-hole.

330
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,760
At great effort,
a hardy band has teamed together,

331
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:32,960
and worked tirelessly to provide rest and
recreation for the over-65s of Craiglang.

332
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,480
Follow me to a new dawn.

333
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:48,480
Right, spread out. ...That's it.

334
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,240
Right.

335
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:03,280
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to High Park.

336
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,120
CHEERING

337
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:12,160
Oh, Jesus, it's beautiful!

338
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,280
It's fantastic, isn't it?

339
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:22,880
Is that sausages I can smell?
It is. Let me paint you a picture.

340
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:28,000
Roll and sausage, paper, sit on the
bench. If you want, feed the duck.

341
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:34,040
Come on. ...Right, Eric, the VIPs.

342
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:40,040
Ho-ho! So, Winston, is this park
just for night-time and that?

343
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,229
No, no, any time, day or night.

344
00:26:42,234 --> 00:26:46,940
Whenever it gets too much, just
come up here. Well done, Winston.

345
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:50,000
Jack! Victor! >

346
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,640
It's a park!
First the beach, now a park!

347
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:58,360
A sky park! Oh, a park in the sky!

348
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:33,440
This is rare, eh?
No' having to watch your back. Aye.

349
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,840
Nae kids on skateboards
cutting the toes off you.

350
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:42,680
Nae dug mess. You could practically
come up here in your slippers.

351
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,120
There you are, Jack.

352
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:50,560
Can we get a seat?
We've got it till half-past-three.

353
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:57,440
Another ten minutes to go. Och! Come on,
Jack. We've sat here long enough, eh?

354
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,120
Let them get a wee seat. Thank you.

355
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:03,880
Enjoy it.

356
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,920
DOG GROWLS
Ah, quality!

357
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:12,640
A park up in the air.
Quality, man. A park up high, man!

358
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:18,600
You've nae business being up here.
You've got your own bloody park.

359
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,160
It's full of dog shit.
Gonnae start coming here.

360
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:27,520
You listen to me. This is our park.
You've no right being up here.

361
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:32,240
We built this for wurselves.
Can you no' understand that?

362
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,960
There's nae need to be here.
Leave us alain.

363
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,520
Nah.

364
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,560
THUMP!

365
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:56,440
Kaiser!