1
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,800
Mina?

2
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,480
Mina? ...What's keeping you?

3
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:45,120
Is that what it was? I thought we'd
a deid rat in the shop. Hurry up!

4
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:56,480
Jesus! Isa, I thought you'd gone!
I'm just finishing my article.

5
00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:01,320
Your article? In my magazine?
I've only got a wee bit to go!

6
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:06,360
It's all about benefit cheats.
It costs the Government millions!

7
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:11,200
The cheats would say, "It's only
a wee bit. Whit dis it matter?"

8
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,720
But the Government says,
"It all adds up."

9
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:19,560
Those wasters dae the honest folk
oot of their rightful entitlement.

10
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:24,000
It's a dilemma. Would you
spill the beans on your neighbour?

11
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,520
That's the headline -
"Are You A Grass?"

12
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:32,520
I think all of Craiglang knows
the answer to that - yes, you are.

13
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:36,640
Now, go home, so I can go home!
I'll see you tomorrow.

14
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:54,440
Mina? I'm turning the lights off.
Get your arse wiped and come on.

15
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,640
Sorry, pal. We're shut.

16
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,080
Ah, right you are.

17
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:10,160
Bert? Aye? Come away in.

18
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,320
Sorry, Bert,
I didn't recognise you.

19
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:23,160
No offence, but I thought you were
a jakey. What can I get you?

20
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:26,920
Is it eggs?
I don't know, Bert. Is it eggs?

21
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:30,840
Aye, I think it is.
Eggs, give me six eggs.

22
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:37,440
So, how are you now, Bert? Without the,
er... After the, er... Not that good.

23
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:42,360
You're the first person I've spoken
to in I don't know how long! Christ.

24
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:46,532
No chance of that happening in
here with her gabbing all day.

25
00:02:46,537 --> 00:02:49,540
Gab, gab, gab all day!
You know - the wife?!

26
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,840
CASH REGISTER TINGS

27
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,480
Thanks.

28
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:58,600
TOILET FLUSHES >
Finally!

29
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,160
There.

30
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,680
< DOOR OPENS
Oh, here we go.

31
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:16,200
It's Ant and Dec(!) That would be hilarious
if we had any idea who you were on about!

32
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:21,240
Whit is Ant and Dec?! Arseholes
no doubt, cos that's your patter!

33
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,760
Here comes an arsehole double act!

34
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:27,280
What were we Monday, Jack?
Fran and Anna.

35
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:33,000
You cannae just pluck celebrity names
out of nowhere and pass that as patter.

36
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:37,110
That's like us saying to you,
"Can we have two pints, Parkinson?"

37
00:03:37,115 --> 00:03:39,020
You see, we wouldnae dae that.

38
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:43,280
Cos neither me or my friend,
unlike you, is a prick!

39
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,199
All this chat, and I do
believe I speak for us both,

40
00:03:47,204 --> 00:03:50,580
has made us very thirsty.
...Two pints, prick!

41
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,640
MUTED LAUGHTER

42
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,800
Ta. ...Eric.

43
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:03,160
I never tire of burning that bastard.
VICTOR LAUGHS

44
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:09,120
Aye. Sets you up just nice for the pint.
Aye, it does that. < DOOR OPENS

45
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:13,240
Bobby? Can I have a lager, son,
when you've got a minute?

46
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,480
Thanks.

47
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,200
GASPING

48
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:24,280
Oh! Right, Hopalong(!) What's the
story? Aye. Whit's the stick aboot?

49
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:29,320
About 40 quid a week. Eh?! Whit?
Invalidity - an extra 40 quid.

50
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:34,360
And get this - I've got a home help,
too. You jammy bastard! Since when?!

51
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:38,402
Beginning of the week. So there's
heehaw wrong with the knee?

52
00:04:38,427 --> 00:04:40,880
No. The stick's for
cosmetic reasons.

53
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,880
A prop, if you will. As long as
the knee is BAD, everything is GOOD.

54
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:50,720
You're a fly bastard. You'll get
busted. Och, gie yersel' peace.

55
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:56,240
Whit did your last slave die of?
Fractured skull! Thanking you.

56
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,880
I don't know how you sleep!

57
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:04,120
I sleep on this side, because it's
too sore to sleep on this side(!)

58
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:11,040
See you right, boys.
BOTH: Right, Parkinson(!)

59
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:16,080
Here, Jack. It's not like us to be
oot this late. No. No, it is not.

60
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:20,920
We'd better get up the road before
the night crawlers come out. Aye.

61
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,788
Allow him, eh? Winston.
Oh! Home help?

62
00:05:23,813 --> 00:05:27,760
If he fell in the Clyde,
he'd come out with a salmon!

63
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:32,280
But listen. 40 quid on top
of your pension. That's no' bad.

64
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:37,120
I wouldn't want a home help. Some
stranger poking through your stuff.

65
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:42,040
Remember Rita Watson's home help?
Said she'd go to the bank for her.

66
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:46,880
Never put a penny in, not to Rita's
account anyway. Robbed her blind!

67
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:51,720
One bad apple. It's a good service.
For them that need it, Jack. Eh?!

68
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,399
Are you saying you wouldn't
like a big darlin'

69
00:05:55,424 --> 00:05:59,000
dusting, hoovering,
getting in your messages?

70
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:04,040
"Can I do anything else for you?"
"Yes, you could give this a tug."

71
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:08,680
Oh, you clattie bastard!
Listen to you - "Big darlin'."

72
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:13,520
She'll likely be a big pug-ugly
Russian shot-putter... A wee tug?!

73
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:18,360
She'll rip it aff ye and sling it
oot the windae! I'd sort that.

74
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:23,200
"I won't put up with your shite!
Rap it! Down you go!" Winded, aye!

75
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:27,000
Here, Jack. Is that Bert Finlay?

76
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:31,640
Jesus, it is, an' all!
Aye. Gie him a shout. Bert!

77
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,680
Bert!

78
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,760
That's a bloody sin that, in't it?

79
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,800
You know whit it's like
to lose your wife, eh? Aye.

80
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:46,640
Here. We should take a wee run up
and see him tomorrow, you know.

81
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:51,280
Make sure he's all squared up.
Aye. Aye, we'll dae that.

82
00:06:55,000 --> 00:07:00,520
For a man that doesn't get about too well,
you've made some mess, Mr Ingram!

83
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:05,520
Please, darlin'. Winston. Never mind
the "darlin'"! Lift yer feet! Oh!

84
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:09,077
Will you do us a bit of
toasted cheese, sweetheart?

85
00:07:09,082 --> 00:07:12,340
No, I will not! I'll do
you another cup of tea!

86
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:16,800
I'm yer home help, for God's sake!
Not your personal flunky!

87
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:22,840
And I'm no' your sweetheart!
That's smashing that, eh(?)

88
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:27,880
And me a cripple! I can't walk the
length of myself! Don't give us it!

89
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,400
That bloody leg
should be better by now.

90
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:36,480
You're at it! And if I find out you
are, you'll be off the register!

91
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,969
But when you're my age,
it takes longer to heal.

92
00:07:39,974 --> 00:07:43,580
Why don't you sit down next
to me and rub my knee?

93
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:49,280
Think I don't always hear this? A randy
old pensioner trying it on? Read my lips.

94
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,920
Never in a million years.
Get a grip of yourself!

95
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,280
Looks like I'll have to!

96
00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,760
Cow!

97
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,600
DISHES RATTLE

98
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,800
KNOCK ON DOOR

99
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:21,600
Oh. I would get that, you know,
but my leg's...a bit...

100
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,720
Right!

101
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,520
Holy-moly! Man alive!

102
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,560
Sweet dreams! And you are, darlin'?

103
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:40,480
Mrs Begg, home help. Oh, Mrs?
Aye, that'll be a lucky fella.

104
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:45,600
Er, we're Winston's pals.
Can we see him? Come in.

105
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:50,640
Not very shot-putterish, is she?
Indeed, she is not, Jack. No.

106
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,200
She's a honey.

107
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:02,120
Oh. It's youse two.
Whit can I do for you?

108
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,234
Er, we're going up to
visit, er, Bert Finlay.

109
00:09:05,239 --> 00:09:08,260
I was wondering if you
want to come with us.

110
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:15,080
Oh. I don't know if I could go visiting
with my knee this bad! Right. That's me.

111
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,640
When will I see you again,
dear heart?

112
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:24,240
Unfortunately for me, Wednesday.
Oh, allow me, hen. Eh? No, no, no!

113
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:28,080
Allow me! I'll get that.
...There you go, dear.

114
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:32,440
I'll see you out if I can
just manage up. Don't bother!

115
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:37,520
Can you bring me back a packet of
snowballs?! Drop dead! DOOR SLAMS

116
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:43,160
Well, what do you make o' her? Aye,
she's nice. She doesn't seem keen on you.

117
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,720
How? Drop dead?
It's hardly the big come-on.

118
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:51,160
Nonsense! She'll be another
notch on the Ingram bedpost!

119
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,440
Oh!

120
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,000
Forgot my bag.

121
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,440
Cheeri-bye, then.

122
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,480
Hello, Mrs Begg. For God's sake!
Didnae mean to gie you a start.

123
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:14,720
Isa? Is that you collecting
Mrs Kennedy's pension for her?

124
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,080
Um... Yes, Isa, it is.

125
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:21,440
That's quite something.
How are you able to read that?

126
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,960
I've always been good
at upside-down reading.

127
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,480
She getting incapacity rate?
Very good.

128
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,938
Nice to get wee bit extra.
Yes, I suppose so.

129
00:10:31,943 --> 00:10:35,300
I'll be on my way. Oh,
it's nice to see you.

130
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:39,360
Here. How's she keeping?
Who? Who? Mrs Kennedy!

131
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:44,200
Oh, picking up now. You must be
really busy. Yes, really too busy.

132
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:49,080
Anyway, I'll be going... How many's
that you do now? Altogether, four.

133
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,582
Aye, cos you've got Mrs Kennedy.
You've Sadie Jackson.

134
00:10:52,607 --> 00:10:55,320
I know that, cos I saw
you on her landing.

135
00:10:55,320 --> 00:11:00,360
And you've got Jimmy Gibson, cos
I saw you with a box of eye patches.

136
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:05,520
The only one I know that wears an
eye patch is Jimmy. Is it him? Yes.

137
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:10,560
That's right, it is. That's three.
That's only the one I don't know.

138
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:15,720
Well, he lives on the other side
of the scheme - Winston Ingram.

139
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,840
Winston Ingram?! He has a bad leg.

140
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:24,320
Since when?! ...Oh, here.
There's your patient, right enough.

141
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:28,360
Aye, he certainly
would appear to have a bad leg.

142
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,880
Oh, the stick. The limp.

143
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,822
Winston, for God's sake!
We're in the middle of nowhere!

144
00:11:35,847 --> 00:11:38,120
Why are you carrying
on that act?!

145
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:42,960
Because it disnae matter where you
are. Somebody could be watching you.

146
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:48,560
Pish! Who'd be interested? Some bastard
from the social security with a camera.

147
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,927
"Oh, I'll nip Mr Ingram
in the bud." Click-click.

148
00:11:51,952 --> 00:11:55,160
I'll stick with my limp.
You look like a clown!

149
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:58,402
No, I don't! I look like
an old man with a limp!

150
00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:02,240
An old limping clown! You want
to decide whit leg's sore.

151
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:06,470
You've changed over about two or
three times since we came out.

152
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,300
Eh?! ...How you doing, Eric?

153
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:11,829
Hello. Where are you off to?
To see Bert Finlay.

154
00:12:11,854 --> 00:12:15,840
That's a sin. It can't be
easy adjusting to life alone.

155
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:19,880
We saw him last night.
He's no' looking too clever.

156
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,600
We're gonnae go see him
to make sure he's OK.

157
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:28,720
Show support. Be there for him.
Where are you off to? Bookies.

158
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:33,800
Captain Dandy's running. It's soft
ground. Ten minutes. I'm wi' you!

159
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:38,920
Winston, what about Bert?! He's got
you two looking after him, in't he?!

160
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,120
Winston? What?

161
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,240
Limp. Thank you.

162
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,320
DOOR OPENS
Bert?

163
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,680
Bert?

164
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,360
Jack. Victor.

165
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:13,400
Thought we'd pay you a wee visit.
See how you're getting on.

166
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:18,440
Whit's the matter wi' your hand?
I burnt it on that bloody cooker!

167
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,080
Oh, jeez-o!

168
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:32,600
You've let things slide in here,
have you no'? Aye, I have.

169
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:37,920
Do you want a cup of tea? Aye.
No, you! Bert! Oh, right. Aye, tea.

170
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,920
SNIFFS
Jesus! Whit's that smell?!

171
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:53,960
What did that used to be? Oh...!
My eggs. I forgot to turn them aff.

172
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:58,040
What d'you take in yer tea, Bert?
Milk and, er...

173
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:02,640
Sugar? I don't know.
Annie used to make my tea.

174
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,720
We're worried about you, Bert.

175
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:15,800
Och, I miss her, Jack.
I miss her badly.

176
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,040
I know.

177
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,560
We both know.
We've been through it.

178
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:29,840
It's a long road, but you'll get to the
end of it. I just don't see much point.

179
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,480
I can't even boil an egg.
You'll pick that up.

180
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:38,440
You'll have to look after yourself,
Bert. Get the bull by the horns.

181
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:44,720
You have to remember you don't
have to deal with this on your tod.

182
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:47,945
I'm sure Victor wouldn't
mind me telling you,

183
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,960
but he was in a state
when his Betty died.

184
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,737
He thought he was goin' crazy.
But we pulled him back,

185
00:14:54,762 --> 00:14:58,240
me and Winston, and that's
whit we'll dae wi' you!

186
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,800
We'll get you back.
I'm in a right mess here!

187
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:08,000
Not at all! You could sit there and
watch us clean, but that won't help you.

188
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:12,040
You have to dae it yersel'
and get yer hoose in order.

189
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,960
Right. Let's see what's what.

190
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,320
Right, Bertie boy.

191
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,520
Gie that a wee taste.

192
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,240
No.

193
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,080
OK.

194
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,520
Whit about that?

195
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,200
Aye. Aye.

196
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:52,400
There you go. Now we know you take
two sugars in your tea. That's a start.

197
00:15:55,560 --> 00:16:01,600
Did ye enjoy yer roll? Enjoy is pushing
it! It was adequate, thank you.

198
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:09,640
We'll pop by in a few days to see
you. Will you clean up? Aye, aye.

199
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:13,880
You'll be all right with lifting
and that? Aye, er...

200
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,800
You couldnae, er...?
There's a pot under the bed.

201
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:22,320
It's heavy. Heavy? How?
Whit's in it? What's in it?!

202
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:26,160
A pot under the bed?!
A plant, you clown!

203
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:31,259
Piss? ...Whit the hell you
daein' pissing in a pot

204
00:16:31,284 --> 00:16:34,224
when you've got a
perfectly good lavvy?!

205
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,840
That... That was Annie's space.

206
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,920
She had all her face creams
and scents laid oot in there.

207
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,440
I don't go in there. I just can't.

208
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,840
I've got it!

209
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,320
Oh, you bad wee bastards!
You've hurt that poor woman.

210
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,840
No, I didnae! It wis you!

211
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,080
Oh! Oh!

212
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,520
Oh, my nose!

213
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,600
It's closer to you, Jack.
You grab it.

214
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:19,640
Yer arse. It's closer to your end.
You know that. Get it lifted oot.

215
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,840
Bloody big pot of pish
under the bed!

216
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,360
Shut up and get it lifted oot!

217
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,800
Wait a minute!
How have I to bloody dae this?!

218
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,320
For God's sake!

219
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,120
Whit are ye daein'? Hold on.

220
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,160
SNAP!

221
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,600
Draw. Ah.

222
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,520
Release!

223
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,960
Oh! O-o-oh!

224
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,040
Get it right up ye!
Get the pish lifted! No.

225
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,680
Eh? I'm no' daein' it.
We drew pencils.

226
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:12,440
Och, stupid pencils!
Gie yersel' peace!

227
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:16,040
I'm sorry, Victor.
I'm no' lifting any pish!

228
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,080
Right!

229
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,040
Jesus!

230
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,440
Oh, God!

231
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,000
Jesus! It's aw cloudy!

232
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,680
I cannae even see the bottom!

233
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,080
Oh, that's heavy.

234
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,000
Oh! Agh! Agh!

235
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:09,560
I imagined myself
getting covered in piss!

236
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,600
HORSE RACING ON TV

237
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,520
'Scotch Corner
still the favourite at 4/1...'

238
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:44,160
Oh, Scotch Corner.
I'm gonnae back you.

239
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:54,840
Did you get everything
out the lavvy, aye? Aye.

240
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,480
Perfume and make-up and that?
Mm-hm.

241
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,000
Oh, that was hasty. Eh?!

242
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:09,040
Well, you could've used some of the
scent to cover the stench of pish!

243
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:14,080
Her at 45. Oh, terrible!

244
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,240
Better get on with it, eh?

245
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:24,040
That was Vincent running by. He was like
a bat out of hell, the speed he was going.

246
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,560
There's only one place he's going -
the bookies.

247
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,080
I dunno where he gets the money.

248
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,840
Whit was that?
She says gambling's terrible.

249
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,960
Oh! Aye, you're right there, Mina.

250
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:42,600
His leg must be aw better noo
an' aw, eh? Nae stick wi' him!

251
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,480
'Scotch Corner! It's Scotch Corner!'

252
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,000
HE LAUGHS
You beauty!

253
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:57,720
Look at youse! Faces like fizz!
Who did you have, Eric? Calypso Jet.

254
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,802
Wanker! I said Scotch Corner,
but you would not listen.

255
00:21:01,807 --> 00:21:04,260
Get it right up
the lot of youse!

256
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:07,600
# Scotch Corner!
Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner!

257
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:11,480
# Scotch Corner!
Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner!

258
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:16,680
# Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner!
Scotch Corner... # DOOR CLOSES

259
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:20,720
Hello, Mr Ingram. Oh! My knee!

260
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:25,400
Em, where's my stick! Where is it?
You didn't come in with a stick.

261
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,240
Oh, yes, I did! ...Where is my stick?

262
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,440
Where...? Ah, here it is.

263
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,200
Gie's ma stick, ya prick!

264
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:54,480
Aye, aye. ...Hmm.
...(Come in. Want a wee half? Aye.)

265
00:21:54,480 --> 00:22:00,000
Right-o. ...That's smashing.
If ye're sure ye're up tae it, aye.

266
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:05,320
Clansman. Say half an hour?
(...Clansman?) Yeah. ...Right-o.

267
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,840
Cheeri-bye, Bert.

268
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:13,920
Did you say Bert? Aye.
He wants to go for a pint.

269
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,520
Seemed quite perky. Did he?! Hmm.

270
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:21,560
That wee pep talk you gave must've
done the trick, eh? Oh, well.

271
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,440
SNIFFS
Oh, you smell better!

272
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,120
Aye, I'd to have a bloody bath.

273
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:36,160
Here. Do you want me to get a pot
in case he's needing the toilet(!)

274
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,200
THEY LAUGH

275
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,520
Did you get him? No.

276
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,800
There wisnae any answer.
Whit d'you make of that?

277
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:59,320
He's probably thought better of it and
gone to his bed. Aye. Do you think? Aye.

278
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,640
I'm not so sure, Victor.
He'll be fine, Jack.

279
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:10,040
Fancy another pint?
No, we'll just split Bert's.

280
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,880
Not at all. That's flat.
I'll get fresh ones.

281
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:17,480
SPLASH!

282
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,374
Aye, you want to have seen me.

283
00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:25,800
After winning and dancing
in front of Ronnie and all.

284
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:30,920
Next thing, I'm begging her no' to
tell the social. She stuck me in.

285
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:36,440
That's poor. That's out o' order.
Aye. But you were warned. Oh, aye.

286
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,331
By youse. The white
knights of righteousness!

287
00:23:39,356 --> 00:23:42,600
"You'll get busted!" How
are you doing without her?

288
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:47,160
Huh! Dandy! That's a week now.
My house is in a state.

289
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,631
Where are youse going?
To see Bert.

290
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:53,660
He was coming for a pint last
night, but he was a no-show.

291
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,440
I'm a wee bit worried.
Well, I'll come wi' you.

292
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,509
All I'm saying is we asked
him out for a pint,

293
00:24:00,534 --> 00:24:03,840
he said he'd come, then he doesn't show.
It's odd.

294
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:07,880
It's no'! He blew us oot!
You know whit he's been like.

295
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,800
DOORBELL RINGS

296
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,520
That's no good! Gie him a minute!

297
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:20,320
Let him get his arse out the seat.
Whit'll ye dae?! Shoulder it in?!

298
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:24,440
Aye. Oot the way.
Get back! Ring it again!

299
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:29,000
Oh, Bert! ...Oh, razor in the hand.
Just in time.

300
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,840
For what? To watch him shave? Lads,
Winston. What can I do for youse?

301
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,594
We were a bit worried about you
when you didn't show for a pint.

302
00:24:38,599 --> 00:24:41,060
I've been busy
tidying things up.

303
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,120
So you're all right? I'm fine.

304
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:49,320
I brought you a pack of biscuits.
Yoyos. Thanks.

305
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,600
Is... Is that it, then, lads?

306
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,315
Well, I suppose,
if you're OK, aye.

307
00:24:55,340 --> 00:25:00,544
Bert, if you don't mind, could we
come in just to see for ourselves?

308
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:18,120
That was a close call. I nearly got
pumped out of a packet of Yoyos.

309
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:25,800
Oh! Look at this place.
This is smashing, Bert!

310
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:30,040
What a difference!
Aye, it's a rare job you've done.

311
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:35,400
Everything's in order. Organised.
Any chance of a cup of tea?

312
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,960
You can keep these, Victor.
Eh? I'll no' be needing them.

313
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:46,280
This is textbook stuff. Whit?
He's gonnae do himsel' in!

314
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:51,720
How in Christ have you worked that oot?!
It's blatantly obvious! Think about it.

315
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,261
They tidy up, then get
their hoose in order

316
00:25:55,286 --> 00:25:58,960
and do themselves in. You
told him to tidy up!

317
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:04,000
But there's tidying up and tidying
up! It's like a showroom in here.

318
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,310
He said, "Everything's organised."

319
00:26:06,335 --> 00:26:10,600
And he's standing with a razor and
he disnae want us to come in!

320
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:15,840
I tell you another thing they dae -
they gie things away. The Yoyos!

321
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,132
He said he wouldnae need them!

322
00:26:18,157 --> 00:26:22,640
Maybe he disnae like the mint
ones, just the toffee ones.

323
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,280
What?!

324
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,600
WATER RUNNING

325
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:34,960
There's water running oot there!
That's whit he must've been daein'!

326
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,033
He'll jump into a warm
bath, tan his wrists -

327
00:26:38,058 --> 00:26:41,064
"Good night, Vienna."
Whit's goin' on, lads?

328
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:47,080
Is water running in that bath,
Bert? No. I think there is.

329
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:51,760
No, there isnae! Well,
let's just see, shall we? Lads?

330
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,280
Don't go in there, lads!

331
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,320
WATER CONTINUES

332
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:07,880
Is that you in to scrub ma back?
I've been waiting on you.

333
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:12,560
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
Mrs Begg! You manky minx!

334
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:18,970
Sorry about that, Bert.

335
00:27:18,995 --> 00:27:23,560
But it looked like you were gonnae
do yourself in. I don't see how.

336
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:27,800
Cos the hoose was tidy? Well,
you gave me back those biscuits.

337
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,926
I don't like mint ones,
just the toffee ones.

338
00:27:30,931 --> 00:27:33,420
Thank you. No
apology necessary!

339
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,160
Well, I'll away.
And, by the way, well done.

340
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,880
Aye. Good for you, Bertie boy!

341
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,200
Right, lads.

342
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,960
Oh, Mrs Begg?

343
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,431
I think my knee's
playin' up again.

344
00:27:47,456 --> 00:27:51,504
I'll have to register for a
home help, if that's OK. Fine!

345
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:31,840
Mrs Begg? Mrs Begg?!
Turn that aff! Listen to this!

346
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:34,320
JACK CLEARS HIS THROAT

347
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:38,160
# This is the ballad of Mrs Begg

348
00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:41,200
# Who doubted Winston's dodgy leg!

349
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:44,640
# Now she waits on me
round the clock!

350
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:48,760
# Because she got fond of... #
ALL: # Old Bert's cock! #