Ho! Mr Gillespie...
A word in your ear.
'Look at that shite!
'Every week!
'That's what 25 quid gets you - own-brand crap.
'Whit in the name of Christ is forced meat?
'Forced tae dae whit?!
'Forced into the can, I suppose.
'Right, biccy.
'Custard creams. Whit's Econo-Save calling them?
'Ooh! Custard Smoothies.
'Right.
'Aw!
'Oh, a whole one. Smashing.' DOORBELL RINGS
Mornin', Jack boy! Aye, mornin', Victor. What are you all about?
You gonnae leave me standing here? Er, no. Come in.
Grab two tumblers out the sideboard, my man. At this time in the morning?
Have you banged your heid?! Have you took a fall?
In a manner of speakin', aye. A windfall!
I see the hamper has arrived from Fortnum & Mason(!)
Shut up. Right. What's all this about the windfall?
I'll tell you, Jack, but get your gums round this.
(Oh!) Oh! That's the bollocks. What's that?
Oporto reserve. 14-year-old. The Rolls-Royce of ports.
Whit d'you pay for that? 28 quid.
28 pound?! You lost the bloody place?!
Whit's goin' on?
Oh, aye. You've got cancer. You've caught the big casino. You're goin' out in style.
No, I've no' got cancer. Whit's it all aboot?
See this? Kept me up all night.
When I reveal its contents, we could be washing our feet in this stuff.
Right. Show me. Take a seat.
Now...
Every week, when we get our pension, we religiously put a wee bit back.
That's right. To bury us. Mm-hm.
Much do you reckon we have in there? I wouldnae know.
It's a while since I've looked. Well, I'll tell you.
£1,050.
We've a wee bit to go, then.
A wee bit to go?! We, my friend, have overshot the runway.
We're in the land of milk and honey.
How? Because it's cheaper than we thought for a funeral.
No, no, that's wrong. A funeral's a dear thing. That's what I thought.
I called the Co-op. Now... A good funeral would set you back about 1,500 quid. Mm-hm?
But a no-frills cremation... Cheery-bye! ...different story.
Nah.
It's all here.
Where are we? Where are we?
Ah.
Pine. That's your key. Mm-hm?
No mahogany, no silver, no brass, no silk. Whit a saving you're makin'!
Then you do away wi' the big fancy urn. That's another massive savin'.
What do you do wi' the ashes? I don't know. Scatter them.
The garden of remembrance. Who cares?! You're deid!
Keep talkin'. A funeral cortege is a hearse and one car following.
I'm sad to say, but we don't need that following car. Who'd follow?
Winston? Eric? Bobby the Barman?
Aye, that's right. They can away and bloody walk!
That's another savin'. Exactly. Whit's the whole thing costing now?
£750.
Leaving the both of us with a balance of £300.
Free money! Yeah!
HE LAUGHS
May I? Oh, allow me.
300 quid?! Can you believe that?
It'd be good to play a good quality course.
How d'you mean? Oot the road, you old dicks!
Aye, I see whit you mean. You'd get a more peaceful game in Chechnya.
THEY LAUGH AND CHATTER
Ahem.
Just play your way through, mate. We're just waitin' here.
It's a Gleneagles garden party. Whit's that, mate?! Nothin'.
Nice. Aye, that'll dae.
Nice shot, Tam.
Jesus! Whit d'you make of that?!
Oh, it's gonnae be a links course now, is it?
THUD! Ow!
Jeez-o, Jack. A couple of ports and Craiglang looks presentable.
Are you jokin'? You'd need tae be on crack
tae make this shitehole look presentable. Hello, Isa.
Jack, Victor, I meant to say... That's plenty.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
What is it? I've seen youse about. We've never actually spoke...
Keep movin', Victor. Just, er...wondered if you needed anything, you know?
Such as? A wee bit of financial assistance maybe.
We're no wi' you. Cannae be easy bein' a pensioner - gas bills,
'leccy, TV licence... I could help you wi' that.
Sounds smashin'. You lend us money
then kick our spleens out when we don't give you it back on time!
Sounds great(!) Where do we sign up? Come on, Jack.
I'm here if you need me!
Think we're being a bit hasty wanting to splash all that money?
Maybe we should hold onto it.
Imagine havin' tae deal wi' that monkey.
Aye, but listen, Jack. We saved that money up. It's ours!
We didnae go tae any money lenders before we had it
and we'll not be visitin' one after it's done!
You're right. It's a bloody miracle we've been able tae save it at all.
Och, aye! You only get one shot!
Let's be good tae ourselves. Yes! What'll you dae wi' yours?
I'm needin' some socks. Socks?!
Aim a bit higher than that, Jack! You've 300 quid, for God's sake!
Aye. All right - a hooker. Now you're aiming a bit too high.
Aim between socks and a hooker.
What are you getting? I dunno. We shouldn't eek it out for months.
We should live fast...for a week!
Aye. Live fast, die...old. Aye, kind of.
300 quid to spend in a week? Yes, indeedy.
Bookies, clothes, grub!
Ooh, Marks & Spencer's. Calm your jets. It's no' a lottery win!
THEY CHATTER What's goin' on?
When it's down, you can't get it up! When it's up, you can't get it down!
I'd have thought you were a bit young for the old Viagra, Bobby? Shut up.
Winston, gie's your putter. No. You've already humped my nine iron.
Right, Bobby. Oot the road.
Right. Come on. You need to shove it. Here we go.
Bloody thing's lethal! It's got a life of its own!
Youse all right in there?
Hello?!
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
Jack? Victor?
CHATTER CONTINUES
Winston?
Has everybody got a drink? ALL: Aye! Hold on! Hurry up!
To Bobby!
Tumblers back. Come on!
Hup! Hup! Back to your seats! Back to your seats!
Right, you arseholes...! Whit have you to do for a drink?
Can I please have two brandies? Good ones - none of your rubbish.
Brandies?! Yes, and what of it?
After we're finished, we're gonna go up the high street for new togs.
Oh? The bingo must've been good.
Get it up youse. We're treatin' ourselves. Yes.
How was the golf? Shite, thank you. Tam, whit aboot you?
Ooh! Whit's that? Air rifle on the fifth.
That widnae happen tae Tiger Woods. Why do you bother wi' that course?
Where else are we gonnae play? Want another drink?
No. We're going to finish our round.
You're off your heids! We can't not finish! What does that mean?!
It means we would've lost. To who?
Two plooky wee neds? Nae chance.
I'm no' aboot tae play the put-upon pensioner
skulking aboot in constant fear for my life! No, no!
There's two type of people in life.
Those who use the front door and those who use the back. ...Come on.
Bobby?
Can we use the back door? The shutter's down.
See you now.
Winston. Cheers.
Hear that? "Back door". THEY LAUGH
Hello, Navid! Hello, Isa! Hello, you two.
Hello, Jack. Victor. Where were you? Hoey's of Partick. Like the new duds?
Oh, lift your heel there, Jack.
A flash of label on the sole of your new shoe. That'll never do.
Fantastic! What d'you think, Meena?
What's in the bags? Auld duds. Classy(!) What can I do you for?
Er... 2oz of pipe tobacco. Drum?
St Bruno. For your new pipe?
Allow me, Jack. You got lunch.
SNIFFS New leather! Unmistakable.
Yes, indeedy. Pipe? Expensive baccy? Wallet? Duds?
Would it be safe to assume you've come into some disposable income?
We're holdin' some foldin', yes.
Today is a fantastic day, indeed.
How's that? My usual type of customer is pensioners, neds, snottery weans, you know.
The manky mob. The rubbish people. Trailer trash. Tornado bait.
Very rarely do I get customers of your calibre.
Follow me, gentlemen. I want to show you something.
Come away in. Ooh! What's all this?
Stock Market Live. What d'you dae wi' that?
You invest - stocks, shares, buy, sell. You should get involved.
Oh, whit do you take us for?
City types sittin' on millions? Houses in the country?
Nah, we're pensioners. That's no' for the likes of us. You're wrong.
It's for everybody. It's like the bookies.
You pick a horse - in this instance, a company - and you back it.
The beauty is it disnae have to win the race, it just has to run good.
What if your company falls, breaks its leg, and has to be put down?
Good point, Victor. But YOU are the jockey.
And you're allowed to jump from the horse at any time in the race! Hmm.
Right, Victor. You want a wee go on this? I fancy a wee flutter, aye.
Right, Navid. Give us that Chromotron UK. Each way.
Well, look at that. Oh, aye. Perfect. Hmm.
Right. Come on! Come 'ere, you wee bastard!
Get them in the bag. Quality, man. Many's that? Dunno, 50! Shut up!
Ho! Gie's our baws back. What baws? The baws that bastard's liftin'!
These are mine. They're not! They are.
Want to buy some baws? 25p a baw. We're no' buyin' our own baws back!
If you weren't so shite, you wouldnae lose your baws!
Whit d'you know?! I'd tan your arse!
You couldnae. I'm golf daft. I play off 14.
Pish! I play off 14! Right, then. I'll give you a game on Wednesday.
If you win, I'll gie you they baws. All the baws. Good baws, an' all.
Stop sayin' baws? How about this?
If I win, me and my pal can play here in peace, AND keep the baws.
All right. What if I win?
You can continue to steal baws, shoot other players in the arse,
and generally be wee fannies.
Yeah. ...Quality, man.
Right, now that's £100. You know there's interest on it, don't you?
I dunno anything about interest.
Does it work the same as in a bank? Aye. Just like the bank.
So you're just really like a mobile bank, eh?
Aye, a mobile bank. That's smashin', son. Thanks.
Sweet sherry, please, Bobby. What you for, Eric?
That's good of you. ...A lager. And a lager, Bobby. Right.
Are you a bit flush, Isa? Aye, I am indeed, Eric.
This morning, I saw Jack and Victor talkin' to that fella over there.
Aye? Next thing, the two of them turn up at Navid's
wi' new clothes and buyin' the best gear, too!
So who's the fella? He lends you money. Ooh!
If Jack and Victor are dealin' wi' him, he must be all right.
I suppose so. I might have a word with him myself.
Is your stupid pal your caddy, aye? Yes, my pal Tam's my caddy.
Good. That's my caddy - Goubo.
- Hello, Goubo. - All right?
Right. I'll tee off, then, will I? What do you think, Tam?
There's a dogleg - a couple to the green.
Aye, you're looking at a four iron. Right. Here we are.
Yes.
Dogleg, you say? What d'you think, Goubo?
Dunno, man. Gie's that metal one.
Oh, quality, man! What a shot!
Thunderbird? No, thank you! Thunderbird!
Come on! Come on, Submarine! Come on! Come on... Go!
Away you go, you dirty useless good-for-nothing bag of shite!
That was smashin', win't it? Aye.
That's the thing about free money - it's no' sore when you drop it.
Aye! New clothes, new wallet, new pipe! Fantastic! That's fantastic.
You two are in a good mood! I hope I'm in one after I've put this on!
50 quid on Dainty Danube, Stevie, my man!
Hold up there, Eric. 50 quid?
Have you lost the bloody place?! I've no worries.
I'm drinkin' from the same fountain as youse.
What bloody fountain d'you mean? I spoke to that money lender. The guy youse two go to.
Are you drunk?! We don't go to any guy for any thing!
Ah. Trying to keep it hush-hush? I got you!
Isa said you got money off him.
She saw you with him outside Navid's. Then she tapped him and so did I!
Isa?
Whit's the score, Jack? Is she in? No. Light's oot, an' all.
Where is she? Whit's she doing?
Isa?!
Come and get a plate of this soup before it gets cold.
JACK SIGHS
Whit kind is that? We still had some money left, so I bought the best gear.
Baxter's? What else? HE SNIGGERS
A money lender in Craiglang. That's the arse finally tore oot it now.
I wish to Christ she was in.
We need to stop her spending whatever it is she tapped.
Damage limitation.
SOUP BUBBLES Right, that's us. Right.
LIFT TINGS > Oh! I'm going.
DOOR OPENS >
Hello, boys! Like my new coat?
Isa, you dozy cow! You've tapped money off that money lender!
Aye. Just a bit. What's the harm in it?
What's the harm in it?! Money lenders are bad news, Isa!
Who've you told? Hardly anybody.
Wait there. Victor, get your coat.
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
Jeez-o. You're awfy busy. Aye. Wednesday?
It's like payday. They want change for the puggy, too.
Is that a mobile there, Peggy?
Aye. I've always wanted one. He's got one, too.
- We're on this lovers' tariff. It's cheaper to call one another. - Oh, aye?
Aye. It means I can keep tabs on the wee whoremeister.
Two pints. Right, Arthur. ...That's nice? Is it new?
This? Aye. Automatic, no batteries...
- Hey, Jim. Where's your specs? - Don't need them. Laser treatment.
Steady now, Winston. This is for the birdie. How's baw bag lookin'?
Pished. He's emptied that flask of Thunderbird. That's the game.
Put it away, Goubo, man. Let the man make his shot.
Cheers for that, Goubo(!)
COUNTRY MUSIC ON RADIO Oh, it's Lambert and Butler(!)
Shut up, Bobby. You're the only fag in here. Get the music turned down.
Right. Listen up, everybody!
There's a money lender in town. WHISTLES A WESTERN TUNE
Bobby! Oh, that's right, aye! Have a bloody good laugh!
A money lender spells the end for Craiglang!
You let him in, that's the whole thing knackered.
He'll take every single cent oot of this place. Mm-hm.
And then that'll be us completely potless! Jack's right. They offer you a bit of help.
A quick fix for your problems? Aye. Well, that's all it is!
A quick fix!
Because before too long, he's got you where he wants you. Down a hole!
Then he moves on to the next place
and starts it all again wi' another bunch of poor gullible bastards!
Right... So who's tapped 'im? Aye.
Come on!
Peggy. You're red in the face. Have you had money off him?
- Aye. - How much?
£150.
Danny. You've got six grand-weans.
Your boy's just lost his job... Have you took money?
Where's your glasses, Jim?
650 quid. Christ almighty! Who else?!
I don't know what you're gonnae dae!
Because £100 the day is £200 tomorrow!
And the day after that, it's £300! Eh?!
Before you know where you are, it's the end of the week, and you owe him £1,000!
The next week, you owe £2,000!
And then, the next week, you owe £3,000!
Then...! That's plenty, Jack. You know what I mean! ...He'll want your guts for garters!
What'll you do when he comes calling?! What'll you do?! CAR STOPS OUTSIDE
CRASH! Oh, you...!
< CRIES OF PAIN
Oh, you...! Jesus!
That thing nearly broke my neck!
It's no more than you deserve, you bastard. How am I a bastard?!
Money lenders. Scum of the earth. Aye, they are, but that's no' me.
You're saying you're no' a money lender? Well, I am.
But I'm only charging 6% - same as the bank. Don't talk pish!
I'm no'! You're pensioners. The bank won't lend you money. 6%'s good.
I borrowed £100. What would I owe you next week? Eh, 106.
What about the following week? £112.36. Och, that's...! That's...
That's actually quite good. It is. It's no bad.
Right, get him up. All right.
Beautiful, Winston! He's got to sink that for a draw, then you'll play another hole!
He won't finish this! Look at the state of him! That's a 65ft putt that!
It cannae happen! No.
I got made redundant a couple of months ago,
I thought I could fritter away the money or get it working for me.
I figures if you come in at a good honest rate,
you could undercut all the toerags charging fortunes.
That's... That's a sound plan. Aye. You want a pint, son.
Aye. Get him a pint, Bobby. ...You want one? I'll take one.
THEY LAUGH AND SHOUT
BOTH: Hooray! Baw! Well done.
Now... Get your gear off.
Eh? Goubo.
Oh, right! Right!
Nice fella, that money lender.
Aye, aye. He was a lovely fella, aye.
You see, you can't judge a book by its cover. Aye.
Unless it's a scud book!
LAUGHTER Aye. You know whit you're getting wi' a scuddie.
It was good having that money, wasn't it?
Aye, it was a good feeling, having a wee bit extra to spend.
But... That's it done now. Aye, that's it.
Hold on! We've still got the shares we got off of Navid!
What was it? Chromotron UK!
Oh, aye, aye. Here, we'll get one of those financial papers tomorrow,
see how they're getting on!
Right, right, OK.
Yes, I see. Yep. ...OK, thank you. Bye-bye.
Jeez-o! Whit a night. I must've swallowed half a pound of sand.
Aye. Me, an' all.
A fox pished on my hair, too.
When do you think somebody'll find us?
Soon. A lot of these golfers start early... Here! Shh! What? ...Eh?!
Aa-aa-agh! That was bastardin' sore! At least we've been found!
Quality, man! Another 25p!
Help.