1
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:05,620
# Hurdy, gurdy, gurdy... #

2
00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:09,740
There we go. Tea, teacakes.

3
00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:13,340
Jesus. Teacakes.
Is it no a bit early fur teacakes?

4
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,273
I've been up since hauf four.

5
00:01:15,298 --> 00:01:19,940
This is the middle of the bloody
afternoon tae me. I was up at four.

6
00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:24,220
Of course, you enjoy a lie-in,
don't you?

7
00:01:24,220 --> 00:01:27,220
Well, let's get them defoiled.

8
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:33,220
Smashin'. Laurel and Hardy.

9
00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:34,700
Eh?

10
00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:38,672
You never think o' one without
thinkin' of the other.

11
00:01:38,677 --> 00:01:41,520
Tea and teacakes.
Abbott and Costello!

12
00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:45,340
I've got you. Charlie Chaplin. Aye.
...Naw.

13
00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:50,140
What's this we're watching?
Old Dugs And New Tricks. Channel 5.

14
00:01:50,140 --> 00:01:53,702
That's about people that
come oot of retirement.

15
00:01:53,707 --> 00:01:57,680
And the film crew film them.
On camera. Fur the telly.

16
00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,612
This boy here. Pat Carson.
He's 83.

17
00:02:00,617 --> 00:02:05,040
Started a business wi' his
da, worked until he was 70.

18
00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:11,020
He sold the lot. He's retired. But
then he cannae stick the retirement

19
00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:15,256
so he starts a new business at 78!
That's him at it five year.

20
00:02:15,261 --> 00:02:17,320
Makin' a fortune.
Daein' whit?

21
00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:21,260
Pallets. Carson's Pallets.
Is there money in that game?

22
00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:23,240
Apparently so. Aye...

23
00:02:23,265 --> 00:02:29,180
That's tae be admired that - still
rollin' your sleeves up at that age! 83.

24
00:02:29,180 --> 00:02:31,180
How? Eh?

25
00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:34,558
How's that tae be admired,
workin' at that age?

26
00:02:34,583 --> 00:02:38,500
Eh? Cos he's up and about.
He's no' sittin' vegetatin'.

27
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,323
What's up with vegetatin'?

28
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:45,280
I worked all my life to sit vegetating
if I want tae. Listen tae you!

29
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:50,100
That attitude'll huv you in your box
a' the quicker. Explain.

30
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:57,500
The brain is the most complex muscle in
the body. Organ. Organ muscle, all right.

31
00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:03,220
It needs activity. And that spurs
the body on. To get up, dae stuff.

32
00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:06,420
Get the blood pumpin'.
Live a long time.

33
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:12,780
Why'd you want to live a long time?
For some young bastard tae blow you ower

34
00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:17,733
and rip your pension right aff you,
and there you are, defenceless?

35
00:03:17,758 --> 00:03:19,700
Sittin' aboot? It's wrang.

36
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:25,660
It's a waste o' yersel'. He's active
at 83. You have to admire him.

37
00:03:25,660 --> 00:03:29,500
Och, well, I'll just
admire him as well, will I?

38
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:33,555
Aye, here he comes.
Hello! I'm... ...What's his name?

39
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:37,360
Pat. Oh, aye. I'm Pat. I
don't like to sit aboot.

40
00:03:37,380 --> 00:03:42,900
I'm better than thae sittin'-aboot
bastards Jack and Victor.

41
00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:47,980
Cos I want tae knock ma 83-year-old
pan in liftin' auld skelfy pallets.

42
00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:52,140
For I am Pat.
King Pat, The Pallet Prick.

43
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:54,980
Aye, he is an arsehole.

44
00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:57,470
Imagine going to the
boozer wi' him.

45
00:03:57,495 --> 00:04:01,980
"I'll tell you another thing aboot
pallets." No, you willnae, Pat.

46
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:05,761
Shut up, you prick. Walloper.
He'll be deid in six months.

47
00:04:05,766 --> 00:04:08,560
Worked tae death. Like an old horse.
Prick.

48
00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:10,820
Aye, he's a prick.

49
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:24,287
By the way, Meena, keep an eye out
fur that wee Davie Turner bastard.

50
00:04:24,292 --> 00:04:26,760
I'm sure he's filling
his pockets.

51
00:04:26,780 --> 00:04:28,510
What am I thinkin' aboot?

52
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:33,700
40 casuals could come in here shouting
and bawling and helpin' theirselves

53
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:39,900
and you'd be none the wiser. I'll
cut some eyeholes in the paper.

54
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:43,300
That'll save you
looking up from the bastard.

55
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,190
That's not like you, Meena.

56
00:04:45,215 --> 00:04:49,740
Usually you come back with something
quick. With some slagging.

57
00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:52,220
Where's the verbal ping-pong?

58
00:04:55,980 --> 00:05:01,500
That's a pish comeback. "Your
brother's deid"? How is that funny?

59
00:05:10,260 --> 00:05:13,740
Three lager and...
(a Midori and lemonade.)

60
00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:20,380
Oh, Midori. Quirky. A quirky-wurkie.
It's no fur me. It's him. He's aff his nut.

61
00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:25,500
So you'll be buildin' thae new
flats? Aye. 28 luxury apartments.

62
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:29,417
Luxury? Rooms are tiny.
Aye, but it'll be brand-new.

63
00:05:29,422 --> 00:05:33,240
Like show homes wi' that new smell.
Like a new car.

64
00:05:33,260 --> 00:05:38,380
They'll make smashin' homes for folk
starting oot. Buy me a pint, eh? Eh?

65
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:42,946
Buy me a pint and you can
tell me aboot the new flats.

66
00:05:42,971 --> 00:05:46,124
On you go. No.
You're all right, pal.

67
00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:56,340
Spillage. Hello. Pint of lager,
please. First time in here? Aye.

68
00:05:56,340 --> 00:06:01,020
Ice cream, right? Mobile catering
outlet. A snack van?

69
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:04,260
Fresh snacks. Whereabouts?

70
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:09,220
Ootside the building site over
there. Luxury flats. Lot of bodies.

71
00:06:09,220 --> 00:06:12,540
They boys paid a visit today.
...Didn't you, fellas?

72
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:15,980
Aye. You - bacon and tomato.

73
00:06:15,980 --> 00:06:20,300
That's right. You - roll and
sausage. Aye. Enjoy it?

74
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,820
Very much so. Very much so.

75
00:06:23,740 --> 00:06:30,100
Roll fresh? Aye. Sausage cooked
through? Cooked through, aye.

76
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:32,220
Good.

77
00:06:32,220 --> 00:06:37,860
Eric. Whit? Who he? Him? Vince.
He used tae be a manky bastard.

78
00:06:37,860 --> 00:06:41,447
Poisoned the whole of
Yarrows a few year back.

79
00:06:41,472 --> 00:06:44,500
Delayed a boat goin'
tae the Falklands.

80
00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:49,300
Noo, he's immaculate. Every time
he farts, he changes his drawers.

81
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:51,820
There you go, my friend.

82
00:06:55,260 --> 00:06:59,820
Scuse me? Aye. This gless is
contaminated. Sorry?

83
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:04,420
It's got lipstick on it.
I'm rejectin' it. Oh, right.

84
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,420
There we go now.

85
00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:19,220
Nup.

86
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:22,900
Hasty! Hasty!

87
00:07:29,860 --> 00:07:33,385
It says here, Jack, that
they didnae huv guns.

88
00:07:33,410 --> 00:07:36,460
They had tae use sticks
instead o' guns.

89
00:07:36,460 --> 00:07:39,420
What dae you make o' that?

90
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:41,740
Jack?

91
00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:43,860
Jack!

92
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:49,060
What're you daein'?
See? I knew I had these.

93
00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:52,120
I bought them fur the
grandwean's Christmas.

94
00:07:52,145 --> 00:07:55,860
He was angling fur one o'
them Sony stations, an' all.

95
00:07:55,860 --> 00:07:59,857
Want tae have seen the huff he
went in when I gied him these.

96
00:07:59,862 --> 00:08:02,480
Left them lyin',
ungrateful wee bastard.

97
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:08,380
What ur they? Padz. You put them on
your hauns, and the ba' sticks on.

98
00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:13,180
I can't imagine why the wee fella
was disappointed at that.

99
00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:17,662
There wis he expectin' a computer
console he could play with a' day.

100
00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:19,720
And what did you get him? Padz.

101
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:22,820
I'd huv flung them at you. Ha ha.

102
00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:26,986
It was you sayin' that we
shouldnae be sittin' vegetatin'.

103
00:08:27,011 --> 00:08:29,740
I thought, "Aye,
Victor, that's right.

104
00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:33,302
"Get your blood pumpin'."
Here. Put one of them oan.

105
00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:36,284
It's a good laugh.
Quite a comfy fit, that.

106
00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,860
Right, are you right? Right.

107
00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:48,900
Oh, shit! DOORBELL RINGS
Who's that noo?

108
00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:57,100
It's Navid, Jack. Navid?

109
00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:08,140
Hello, Navid. Oh, good. You're baith here.
This is a surprise. You here. Aye? Haud on.

110
00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:11,740
Isa. Back inside.

111
00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:13,500
Inside now, Isa.

112
00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:19,020
Shut the door.

113
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,500
Properly.

114
00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:23,600
What can we do for you?

115
00:09:23,625 --> 00:09:29,084
I came to see Jack and I was coming
to see you. I've got something to ask.

116
00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:35,380
Come in.

117
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:47,220
Hey ho. Do you want a cup of tea?
No, thanks, Jack. Sit doon. Thanks.

118
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:55,460
Padz. What did you pay for these? I
dunno. Three quid? You were robbed.

119
00:09:55,460 --> 00:10:02,420
You should have said. I could have got you
them for two quid. Well, there you go.

120
00:10:02,420 --> 00:10:07,020
So, eh... Look. It's just Velcro,
cardboard, a wee bit of webbing.

121
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:11,951
There's nothing to them. Cost 30p
to make, and the rest is profit.

122
00:10:11,976 --> 00:10:14,380
This is where the overheads are.

123
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:18,541
Navid, what is it you're wanting?
My brother's died.

124
00:10:18,566 --> 00:10:20,740
I'm sorry. That's bad news.

125
00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:23,188
Aye. I'm going to
be away a week.

126
00:10:23,213 --> 00:10:27,580
You see, my brother wis the idiot.
He had his money in Pardu

127
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:32,183
when everybody else had theirs
in Bangu, know what I mean?

128
00:10:32,208 --> 00:10:35,460
Aye... Clown. I need
to tidy his affairs.

129
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,784
So, Jack, you told me
you used to run a shop.

130
00:10:38,789 --> 00:10:42,160
Aye, I did, aye. Ma father's shop.
A grocer's.

131
00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:48,020
So, could you and Victor run my
shop? Can you not just ask Meena?

132
00:10:48,020 --> 00:10:53,420
Fantastic idea! No, wait. She's
a lazy bastard who'll ruin me.

133
00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:58,363
She's comin' with me.
Jeezo, Navid, I don't know.

134
00:10:58,368 --> 00:11:01,520
It's been 30-odd year
since I ran a shop.

135
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:06,340
How would I work the till? We have
a 35-year-old till. Oh, right.

136
00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:11,500
And stock? You'd have to go to the
cash-and-carry once. I'm not sure.

137
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:15,660
What were we talking about earlier?
Vegetatin'...

138
00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:21,250
OK, you're on. Great.
That's a weight off ma mind.

139
00:11:21,275 --> 00:11:24,700
I'll make a cup of tea to
seal the deal. Lovely.

140
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:29,980
Milk and two. Oh, did I mention I
leave tonight? You omitted that.

141
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:33,660
You mean we're working the morra?
5.45.

142
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:37,060
In at the deep end, eh? Good.

143
00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:43,940
To me.

144
00:11:45,420 --> 00:11:48,180
Mother of Christ!

145
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:54,260
Shite. Naewhere tae hide.

146
00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:56,729
Winston! Isa.
You'll never guess.

147
00:11:56,734 --> 00:12:00,920
You're right, Isa, I probably willnae.
What are you like?

148
00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:06,860
I know. What AM I like? Where are
you goin'? I'm goin' to Navid's. OK?

149
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:10,291
You're in for a surprise
when you get there!

150
00:12:10,316 --> 00:12:14,180
What's that? Jack and Victor
are running the shop.

151
00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:18,414
Navid's away. Eh? Meena takes
a phone call yesterday.

152
00:12:18,439 --> 00:12:22,044
Turns out Navid's brother...
Added-on drivel!

153
00:12:30,340 --> 00:12:34,220
Vince Gallagher!
The poisoner of Clydeside!

154
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:38,259
I don't know what you're talkin' aboot.
Aye, you dae.

155
00:12:38,284 --> 00:12:41,700
You used to run the manky
canteen at Yarrows.

156
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:48,260
What was it? Middle of winter.
You dished up stew. Everybody takes it.

157
00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:52,758
You could huv launched a ship on
the diarrhoea you caused that day,

158
00:12:52,783 --> 00:12:55,140
you filthy, manky bastard.
Hang on!

159
00:12:55,140 --> 00:13:01,380
No, YOU hang on. 1,800 good men went
doon. Nine days I wis oot the game.

160
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,926
Heid ower the sink,
arse ower the pan.

161
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:08,300
Baith ends goin' full tilt cos of
your stew. I can still taste it.

162
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:10,411
Let me explain. Here you are.

163
00:13:10,436 --> 00:13:14,780
And you've the cheek tae still
be in the food gemme. Stop!

164
00:13:14,780 --> 00:13:16,999
Indeed I will not.
I'll trash you.

165
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:21,480
I'll no' let you dae the same tae
this generation as you did tae mine.

166
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:24,220
I'm callin' the health board.

167
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:28,114
And whit are you gonna say, fattie?
You've got nothing on me.

168
00:13:28,119 --> 00:13:30,920
Ma van's spotless. Look at ma hauns.
Minted.

169
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,477
I made a mistake - I paid fur it.

170
00:13:33,482 --> 00:13:37,560
Noo, all I'm tryin' tae dae
is turn a coin. I'm clean.

171
00:13:37,580 --> 00:13:43,620
I'm super-clean. I'm the cleanest.
You're the manky wee bastard.

172
00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:48,620
Germs crawlin' over you. I can see
them. That's psycho patter, that.

173
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:53,220
You're a psycho. A clean psycho,
I'll gie you that, but a psycho.

174
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,860
Jack!

175
00:13:57,860 --> 00:14:00,820
Ja-ack! >

176
00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:06,660
JACK! Where are you?
Look up at the telly.

177
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:11,860
Oh, aye. Hiya.

178
00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:13,380
Hello!

179
00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:16,700
Where are you? In the stock room!
That's smashin'.

180
00:14:19,140 --> 00:14:21,660
Hello, there, now.

181
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:26,020
There we are... Square loaf...

182
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:32,340
Werthers Originals... I could eat
them masel'. They're lovely.

183
00:14:32,340 --> 00:14:35,180
Persil. That's £3.50.

184
00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:36,980
Thanking you.

185
00:14:36,980 --> 00:14:39,140
Ten in!

186
00:14:39,140 --> 00:14:41,660
Nice touch, ten in, very nice.

187
00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:47,780
There we are... 50p is four, and
five is ten. Can you manage that?

188
00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:50,300
Thank you. All right. Bye!

189
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:52,820
I'll get the door for you, ma love.

190
00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:58,900
Do call again now.
Bravo, Victor, bravo.

191
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:01,747
Part of the job, Jacko.
Part of the job.

192
00:15:01,752 --> 00:15:06,240
And don't think I didnae notice
your counter technique. Oh, aye?

193
00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:09,427
Listin' the items.
Askin' if they'll manage.

194
00:15:09,452 --> 00:15:13,580
And the bag. You didnae wait
tae be asked fur one. Classy.

195
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:17,980
That's one of my pet hates,
havin' tae beg fur a bag.

196
00:15:17,980 --> 00:15:21,900
20 John Player Special, as well,
please.

197
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:28,260
Brillo pads... There you are, sir.
Vosene... Yoyos...

198
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:31,140
A magazine. Big Cocks.

199
00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:34,780
Jesus!
The thing's called Big Cocks!

200
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:41,100
Oh, Jesus...

201
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:43,860
Put it in the bag, Jack.

202
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:46,660
That's smashing. Er, £5.60, please.

203
00:15:46,660 --> 00:15:52,700
Call again. Victor, would you get
the door for the gentleman? No.

204
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,060
Dirty bastard!

205
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:05,580
What are you daein? Tryin'
tae get that picture oot ma heid.

206
00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:09,140
Right, youse two.
Winston, how are you?

207
00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:13,173
I was in the Clansman.
Naebody knows where youse are.

208
00:16:13,198 --> 00:16:16,460
We're here. And who did
I hear it fae? Isa.

209
00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:21,538
Aye! You might huv telt us. Navid's
away and we're tending the shop.

210
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,820
And I'm hung oot tae dry. How?

211
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:29,180
Naebody tae go for a pint with
or to the library or to the cafe.

212
00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:32,960
Gie's something tae dae.
How are your references?

213
00:16:32,985 --> 00:16:36,060
There they are.
Gie's something tae dae.

214
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:39,164
The two executive positions
have been filled,

215
00:16:39,169 --> 00:16:42,720
however there will be a
requirement for a store boy,

216
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:45,220
a general lackey.

217
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:47,500
What's needing done?

218
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:50,780
We can just as soon can your arse.
Nae eatin'.

219
00:16:50,780 --> 00:16:55,900
Jeezo. Hauf twelve,
and this place is stone deid.

220
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:59,876
And? You know why that is. How?
You should be daein' rolls.

221
00:16:59,881 --> 00:17:02,440
Hot food. There's nae
demand fur that.

222
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:06,948
Your arse. There a building site
there full o' hungry workies.

223
00:17:06,973 --> 00:17:09,940
Waste of time.
He might be right, Victor.

224
00:17:09,940 --> 00:17:16,500
We've got a' the stuff here tae make up
rolls. There's a fryin' pan in the back.

225
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:20,980
We've got sausage, bacon,
tottie scones. Good gear.

226
00:17:20,980 --> 00:17:25,073
And we could make wursels a
couple of quid intae the bargain.

227
00:17:25,098 --> 00:17:27,780
Make Navid a couple of quid.
No, no, no.

228
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:32,340
Whatever we take, we pay for.
Anything above that's ours.

229
00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:35,623
They'll be in for ginger
and fags and sweeties

230
00:17:35,648 --> 00:17:39,180
that they wouldnae be in for.
Navid'll get his cut.

231
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:43,289
No, no, no. You cannae huv
a fryin' pan in Navid's shop.

232
00:17:43,294 --> 00:17:46,440
He's in India! He's
hardly gonnae smell it.

233
00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:48,900
All right. Happy days.

234
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:53,011
Winston, crack open
a packet of bacon.

235
00:17:53,016 --> 00:17:57,320
You get a block of lard. Oh, lard.
Nae oil! Aye...

236
00:17:57,340 --> 00:18:01,260
I'll butter the rolls.
Butter, mind - nae marge.

237
00:18:01,260 --> 00:18:06,540
Open that door to let the workies
have a sniff of the cookin'.

238
00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:10,100
MUSIC: "Green Onions"
by Booker T And The MGs

239
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:09,817
OK, all the best now.
Cheerie bye.

240
00:19:09,842 --> 00:19:13,644
Lads, I do think that was
our busiest lunch yet.

241
00:19:26,620 --> 00:19:30,300
It's a fickle thing,
the customer, in't it? Eh?

242
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:34,884
Hard tae keep their loyalties
when they huv so many options.

243
00:19:34,909 --> 00:19:37,740
It's a consumer-driven society.
What?

244
00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:40,736
Your business! One
minute you're mobbed,

245
00:19:40,741 --> 00:19:44,880
next minute naebody wants tae know you.
What's goin' on?

246
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:48,660
Och, you'll no catch me gossipin'.

247
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:54,884
That was the best day
I've had in a long time.

248
00:19:54,909 --> 00:19:59,140
Good bit of solid graft. Me an' all.
I feel aboot 16.

249
00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:03,691
Days ago, we were callin' Pat the
Pallet all the pricks of the day.

250
00:20:03,696 --> 00:20:06,080
Noo look at us.
Buildin' an empire.

251
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,340
'Mon. I'm chokin'.

252
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,420
Aye. Good. You're here.
Where's ma cut?

253
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,740
Right here, Winston.

254
00:20:22,740 --> 00:20:27,700
Now, minus overheads,
we're £126 sterling to the good.

255
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:33,100
Navid's to get half, so that leaves
us a three-way split of £21 each.

256
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:34,940
Sweet.

257
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:40,256
But you tapped me 20 fur
your gas bill last week, so...

258
00:20:40,261 --> 00:20:43,720
Jesus. A pound. I'll
stick it in the puggy.

259
00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:47,660
Don't panic. We'll get you a pint.
It's Donald and Ivana Trump.

260
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:51,740
Up yours, Boabby. Three lager.

261
00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:57,500
We saw you slinkin' in fur a roll.
Indeed we did. Did you enjoy it?

262
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:02,540
It wis OK. Bit too much butter.
I prefer a dry roll, you know.

263
00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:09,460
"I prefer a dry roll"(!) 100 customers
cannae be wrong, right, lads?

264
00:21:09,460 --> 00:21:13,448
No' even a bloody nudge. Boys,
I hear things are going a bomb.

265
00:21:13,453 --> 00:21:15,960
The whole scheme's
talkin' aboot youse.

266
00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:22,020
Cut us in, eh? Cut us in, eh?
That's a crackin' idea, Tam.

267
00:21:22,020 --> 00:21:27,420
The more the merrier. Welcome
aboard! Smashin'! Thank you!

268
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:30,020
It's a winnin' team, Tam.

269
00:21:30,020 --> 00:21:34,940
Hang on, Jack. Too many executives leads
tae a top-heavy management structure.

270
00:21:34,965 --> 00:21:36,580
It's unsustainable.

271
00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:40,700
It'll lead to redundancies.
That's right, Victor.

272
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:46,660
Well, Tam, you were last in,
so you'll be first out. Cheery-bye!

273
00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:53,500
Well done, boys.
Business is boomin'.

274
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:58,500
By all accounts, the food's
good, tae. Reasonably priced.

275
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:05,420
Comprehensive menu. Tasty. I might wander
by and see whit all the fuss is aboot.

276
00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:10,100
Don't listen to him.
How, who is he?

277
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:13,640
Vince. He used tae work at Yarrows.
He's a walloper.

278
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,980
He runs that snack bar
over by the buildin' site.

279
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:20,357
Are we pissing him off
by takin' his business?

280
00:22:20,362 --> 00:22:24,360
Competition's healthy. And
he shouldnae be in business.

281
00:22:24,380 --> 00:22:27,580
Right, boys. See you again.

282
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:36,060
That's the last of them away now,
Victor.

283
00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:43,980
Thank God fur that. We must huv been
busier than yesterday. Aye.

284
00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:46,410
We could be daein' wi' Winston.

285
00:22:46,435 --> 00:22:51,820
That's three hours he's been at
that cash-and-carry. Lovely. To me!

286
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:55,820
Come on, youse two. Gie's a haun.
Oh, soup! Lovely!

287
00:22:55,820 --> 00:22:59,180
Jesus, Winston, you've went mental.

288
00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:03,220
What's all that stuff?
Mega tub of ketchup. Pump action.

289
00:23:03,220 --> 00:23:09,660
A time saver. And economical. And one with
brown sauce and one with mustard. Mustard?

290
00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:14,220
For hotdogs. We're branching out,
boys. Expandin'.

291
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:16,860
And let me present to you...

292
00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:18,980
Ooh! ...the Tea King.

293
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:24,980
How much was that? Well, I had
to sink a right few quid intae it.

294
00:23:24,980 --> 00:23:30,500
It'll pay fur itself in two days.
It'll take two days tae fill it!

295
00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:39,080
Listen, lads, gie me
ma divvy the noo.

296
00:23:39,105 --> 00:23:43,700
I'm no' really up for a pint the night.
I'm no' feelin' great.

297
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:48,660
Shut up. You'll be fine.
You're just tired. Aye...

298
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:51,980
Hello, there. Where's Boabby?

299
00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:56,100
Aff sick.
SQUELCHING FART

300
00:23:59,580 --> 00:24:02,180
Did you, eh...?

301
00:24:02,180 --> 00:24:05,660
Aye, I huv.
That's whit's wrang wi' Boabby.

302
00:24:09,860 --> 00:24:15,180
Quiet the night, boys.
I like it quiet.

303
00:24:15,180 --> 00:24:20,500
SQUELCHING FART
Excuse me, gents.

304
00:24:26,540 --> 00:24:31,220
Feelin' any better?
Naw. Ma arse is red raw.

305
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:36,860
Oh, Isa.

306
00:24:36,860 --> 00:24:39,660
Well? Anythin'?

307
00:24:39,660 --> 00:24:42,220
Thae poor boys.

308
00:24:42,220 --> 00:24:45,227
The building site's
completely shut.

309
00:24:45,252 --> 00:24:49,860
Big padlock on the gate.
A whole buildin' site poisoned.

310
00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:53,850
It cannae be fae here.
This place is spotless.

311
00:24:53,855 --> 00:24:57,480
I know! I've been
cleaning it fur 20 year!

312
00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:01,980
Away, ya dirty, sleekit bastard.
...C'mere!

313
00:25:05,140 --> 00:25:06,980
What?

314
00:25:06,980 --> 00:25:13,940
Watch this. What is this? This, Jack, is
Wednesday morning at exactly 11.10am.

315
00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:18,980
And whit? Keep watching.

316
00:25:23,140 --> 00:25:25,300
Eh? Oh...

317
00:25:27,580 --> 00:25:32,660
Whit's that he's daein'?
Watch this. Bingo!

318
00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:39,820
Naw... Naw... Dirty, lowlife stinkin',
smelly, skanky, slimy, manky bastard!

319
00:25:39,820 --> 00:25:44,140
He's done it tae me again.
SQUELCHING FART

320
00:25:45,820 --> 00:25:48,500
There you go. Enjoy that.

321
00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:53,620
What do youse two want? Now, don't
start. We're here tae make peace.

322
00:25:53,620 --> 00:25:58,220
Oh, aye? We're no longer
in the catering business, Vince.

323
00:25:58,220 --> 00:26:03,020
Give you your due. We're
too old for that game. I'm 72.

324
00:26:03,020 --> 00:26:07,940
I'm 74. It's a young man's game.
We're better off oot it.

325
00:26:07,940 --> 00:26:13,820
Fine. Good. Can we have two rolls
and sausage? Two rolls and sausage.

326
00:26:17,420 --> 00:26:22,060
They look lovely. Indeedy they do.
Uh-huh.

327
00:26:22,060 --> 00:26:28,260
What do we owe you? It's on me.
That's very kind. Good luck, then.

328
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:40,180
Roll and egg, mate. OK. Oh, dear! There
would appear to be a cockroach in ma roll!

329
00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:45,740
That's boggin'! That would make you
sick. Oh, naw! There's one in mine!

330
00:26:45,740 --> 00:26:50,500
Beasties in the food, fellas.
I'm gonnae howf! Me an' all!

331
00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:54,820
Don't listen tae them! You'll
no' find cockroaches in here!

332
00:26:54,845 --> 00:26:57,724
They planted them!
This van's spotless!

333
00:26:59,180 --> 00:27:02,020
GASPS OF DISGUST

334
00:27:10,300 --> 00:27:13,340
That's fur Yarrows, ya bastard!

335
00:27:26,620 --> 00:27:33,100
With me are the men who were in the
shop when the incident took place.

336
00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:38,420
A narrow escape. Yes, it was
narrow, yes... It was really narrow.

337
00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:44,820
What happened? I had just come back
from my brother's funeral in India.

338
00:27:44,820 --> 00:27:49,020
Jack and Victor were running
the shop in my absence.

339
00:27:49,020 --> 00:27:52,700
Then the crazy bastard
drove through...

340
00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:57,340
I said bastard.
We can show you some CCTV footage.

341
00:28:39,420 --> 00:28:44,420
The driver of the van got out
and fled and is still at large.

342
00:28:44,420 --> 00:28:49,900
Do you have any idea who
would do such a thing? No.

343
00:28:49,900 --> 00:28:52,940
Not at all.