TV IS ON What huv I missed? What's this trick aboot? It's a lotta shite.
This boy here wi' the pyjamas on has opened the door to the "council"
who're cuttin' doon a hunner-year-old tree that belangs to him.
The reason they gie'd him is it's against the law. A lot of rubbish.
And he's swallied it? Aye. That's him gaun' aff his nut noo.
Stupit gullible prick! Aye, he's a prick. Ye wouldnae catch me.
See if somebody came tae ma door and said,
"We're cutting' doon yer prize tree, the tree ye grew up wi'."
I'd say, "That's fine. Go and cut it doon.
"I'm just goin' into the kitchen tae get a big knife
tae slit your bastardin' throat wi'!"
Ye wouldnae catch me in my pyjamas, in the gairden, caught on camera.
I'd conduct the entire discussion through the letter box.
"We're cutting' doon yer big tree!"
"Are ye?" Shotgun through the letter box. Good night!
The blast would be muffled by the fat bastard's belly!
Oh, Christ, look at that! There's the presenter dressed as a polis.
Look at the height of him. A midget.
You'd never believe he was a polis. Know what I'd dae?
Boof! Hat off! B-doing! Beat it! You're no' a polis! Think I'm daft?
Turn that shite aff, Jack. I cannae take any mair.
Hunner-year-old tree. Lotta pish.
Oh, here. Don't pour that.
Ye've reminded me.
There ye are.
What's this? Present.
Ye no' know what day it is? It's no' ma birthday. Is it ma birthday?
No, it's no' ma birthday. Is it?
No, but it is an anniversary. Whose? I'll gie ye a clue. Frank McCallum.
Frank McCallum... Jesus, where do I know that name fae?
Was that the fella wi' the golf-ball nose, ran the cafe in Wellshot Rd?
Wee limp. Big family.
Naw. That wis Boabby Jackson. Jackson's cafe, sure.
Oh, aye. Frank McCallum.
The big, red-heided bastard, used tae eat stuff oot the bins?
Naw. That wis Sammy Baker. Baker the Raker, sure.
Frank McCallum... Aw, the boy and the tram!
Bingo. What else happened that day? That wis the day we met.
That's right. 60 years the morra. Naw!
Sure, we went out and got rat arsed on the 50th. Oh, I mind that!
What a heid I had the next day. Christ!
Is that ten year ago? Aye. So it's 60 the morra.
That's right. I was trying to get across... Sibley Street.
Sibley Street, aye. Boof! Young fella gets knocked doon by a tram!
Frank McCallum. Frank McCallum! The driver sends me to get help.
You run into ma da's shop, roarin' and greetin'.
I came out to see what all the commotion was.
That was it. Best pals ever since. ..On you go.
Oh! "60 years best pals"! That's lovely, that is.
I wish you health to drink oot it. Smashin'.
Beer tastes better oot o' a tankard! Aye.
So ye didnae remember?
Naw, I did not, no.
Didnae huv it written doon anywhere?
Naw.
Haud up, Jack. I know what ye're thinkin' - that I'm windin' ye up
and I'm aboot tae produce a gift.
But believe me, I didnae remember. I've got ye hee-haw.
Away, ya lousy big bastard, ye!
I'm standin' in that bloody jewellers gettin' that thing engraved
and you're sittin' wi' yer thumb up yer arse!
So that's the way of it? Givin' tae get?
Ye've bittered this beer noo, Jack! Don't talk pish.
You're tryin' tae cover yer red neck wi' that patter.
Aye, I am. I feel bad. Dinnae make it worse.
Look, what aboot this? We'll go into toon tomorrow, celebrate.
I'll take you for a nice meal. Oh, aye.
A burger and chips in some stinkin' pub? Up to the value of a tankard.
Somewhere proper? Aye. Wi' tablecloths an' that? Of course.
All right, you're on.
I was not roarin' and greetin'. Ye were.
You were bubblin' like a big bloody wean. Ach, yer arse!
That's lovely. Nice wee break.
We gonna go mad and get a taxi? Into the toon?! Indeed we will not.
You said you were gonnae treat me. Up to the value of a tankard.
A taxi into the toon would take ye well beyond the tanker threshold.
Tightwad. It's the bus, in't it? Yes, indeed-y!
Which for us is free. Yes. Haud the lift!
Oh, shut, ya bastard! Shut...shut...
Just me! I'm goin' doon tae Jean's.
Ooh! Look at youse two a' done up smart! Nice jaikets.
Where are youse gaun'? Ye're no' gaun' to the Clansman, no' turned out like that.
Must be somewhere good, somewhere special, eh?
What would that be? What would the reason be?
A wedding? ..Naw. You'd have buttonholes on for a wedding.
It's no' a funeral cos of the ties...
And it's no' a court case. I'd have heard!
Is it a day oot somewhere? Somewhere that isnae Craiglang?
It's the toon! It's the toon, in't it?!
Ha-ha! I know WHERE ye're gaun', but why?
Are you celebratin' something? Your birthday?
No. Two old pals gaun' intae the toon.
Two old pals...celebrating...
Celebrating, er...
Celebrating just being old pals! That's it, in't it?!
Like an anniversary! Ooh! That's it, in't it?!
She's creepy wi' that. Aye, she gies me the fear.
Got a rare day for it. Aye, aye.
I cannae mind the last time I was in the toon, can you? Nope.
Where d'ye want to go first?
If it's all right wi' you, I'd like to pop into that wee tobacconist
off George Square, if it's still there.
I fancy something different, something a wee bit exotic.
Course, you'll no' be interested.
I could get masel' a wee cigar for after the meal.
I enjoy a wee cigar. That's right, so ye dae.
A wee Tom Thumb. Cafe Creme. Mm.
Or a slim panatella. Aye!
Or a Hamlet. Mm-hm.
Or a Castella. That's plenty! Hey-ho.
Whit are youse two daein' oot yer wankin' chariots?
Gaun' intae the toon. Oh. I'll come wi' you. Naw.
How no'? Victor's takin' me for my lunch. We're havin' a wee day o' it.
What's that in aid o'? 60 years we've been palin' aboot thegither.
I'll just amuse masel' the day, then, will I?
Sorry, Winston, that's just the way of it. Fine. Enjoy yerselves.
Cheerie-bye.
D'ye think we should huv asked him tae come along wi' us? Aye. I feel a bit rotten noo.
Away and gie him a shout. Aye, all right.
Mind and hold each other's hauns in the town, now, it's very dangerous!
Victor, keep yer purse wi' you at all times!
..Jack, if ye need the toilet, ye've to say ye need!
Have a good day, ya couple of pansy, poofy, jessie BASTARDS!
That used tae be a fur coat shop. And that was a haberdashers, aye.
The tower's away. There used tae be a clock there.
You could always tell if you were running late.
That used tae be a big Birrells. Oh, there's the 50-bob tailors!
You see... Can we cut the All Our Yesterdays routine
before I burst oot wi' the bloody hankies?
Can we get some tobacco? Right. 'Sake!
This is a lovely shop ye've got. Thanks very much. What're ye after?
Pipe tobacco. I wouldn't mind a look at yer cigars. Some here, more over there.
See, the thing is, we're from a place called Craiglang.
It's only a corner shop that's there,
a wee newsagents. Only got the two types - St Bruno and Drum.
Oh, dear! Ye'll no' have that problem here!
Jeezo. It's some choice. I wouldnae know where to start.
Take as long as you like. I've over 70 brands.
If you want a wee try before you buy, feel free.
Crabbit bastard! Good day!
Whit got up his humph? I'm no expert on tobacco shop etiquette,
but maybe tryin' 17 different kinds
before plumpin' for yer regular brand isnae the done thing.
Ye've got to stick to whit ye know.
# ..Perfect baby, listen to... #
Whit's he singin', Jack? Do ye know any Perry Como, son?
# Oh, hot diggity, dog diggity Boom, what you do to me
# It's so new to me What you do to me
# Hot diggity, dog diggity, boom What you do to me When you're holding me tight... #
MUSIC: "The In Crowd"
No. No.
Trying to poison me?!
Well, sir?
Eh? Oh, aye, it's a smashin' telly.
But I've got a perfectly good 22-inch Grundig in the house.
Oh, eh? Look at this place.
Fabulous, eh?
Come on.
It certainly is fancy. Here, come we'll get that seat.
Haud on. How?
Ye've tae wait to be seated. Fur what? The place is empty.
That's what ye dae. De ye no' know nothin'?
Oh, hello there, sweetheart. Table for two. Two pals.
Smoking or non-smoking? Smokin'. Can we get that seat, hen? Yeah.
Can I take yer jackets?
Oh, I dunno, Jack! What d'ye think? This place looks a wee bit rough!
..Will we ever see them again, sweetheart?
They'll just be on the coat stand over there.
Jesus. Humour bypass! What would you like to drink?
Just a couple of beers, darlin'.
OK, we've got Genuine Draft, Rolling Rock, Peroni, Sapporo, Sol,
Tiger, San Miguel, Heineken, Stella Artois, Michelob, Sleemans Honey Beer or Budvar.
Ye just want a couple of pints, don't ye?
Look at this. It's like the roof of a bloody hoose!
Oh. Oh, here, that cannae be right. Jesus! £8 for a plate of bloody soup!
Huv ye clocked that, Victor? That's a bit steep, is it no'? Victor.
Victor.
C'mon. Eh? Before she comes back!
Ready to order, gents?
Eh... Aye. Absolutely.
Just getting ma jacket cos the pipe's in the pocket, see?
Right, now... Whit to have, eh?
To start, I'll have the duck pate with Scottish oatcakes.
Eh, I'll have the shrimp, eh, wrapped in the fi-lo pastry.
And for the main - sirloin steak, well done,
with the mashed potatoes and the Di-jon mustard.
And the corn chicken breast with rosemary and minted potatoes
resting on a bed of couscous and a side of asparagus with hot butter.
Come to think of it, Jack, I'm no' that hungry.
Neither am I. Will we just have some ice cream?
Two ice creams, please. Have ye no' been in here before? No, we huvnae.
We huvnae ate in the toon fur 20-odd year. See, the thing is,
me and ma pal, we've known each other 60 years the day
so we thought we'd have a nice meal to celebrate,
but we're oot wur depths wi' this menu.
Is it all right just to have ice cream? Mm-hm. Is that a'? Aye.
Thanks very much.
Oh, that's lovely. Thanks very much.
A wee toast, then. Frank McCallum. Aye. Frank McCallum.
That's set me up for my ice cream. Me an' a'.
Haud the bus. We ordered... Ssh. I'll take care o' it.
I don't know if we should let you do that.
If ma old man saw these prices, HE'D huv a heart attack.
Well, that's, eh... What's yer name, son? Norrie. Wire in.
Thank you, Norrie.
MUSIC: "Magic Moments"
# Magic moments
# When two hearts are caring
# Magic moments
# Memories we've been sharing
# I'll never forget the moment we kissed the night of the hay ride
# The way that we hugged to try to keep warm while taking the sleigh ride... #
I'm ruined. Me, an' all. I can hardly bloody move.
What a tightener, eh? Wait till we tell Winston. He'll be beelin'!
What do we do noo? Get a haud of Norman.
(Norrie! Psst.)
Norman! Have you been smokin' in the kitchen again? Em...
Aye. Well, that's it!
Ye're finished! Get yer coat. Please... Get your coat!
I need to get these gents their bill first.
I'll get their bill. You get yer coat.
Did you enjoy your meal?
Aye. Eh, Norman was serving us. Here's your bill, gents.
140 quid! Bastard!
Aye, it's a bastard. I'll go haufers wi' ye.
Och, shut up! That's charmin', in't it? Shut up.
What ye daein'? Going through this bill! Again?!
It cannae be right! That's what it costs!
You saw the bloody menu! Stop torturin' yersel'. Gie that tae me.
Scandalous. £32 for a tiny wee bit of chicken.
Three toty wee totties, an' a'. Stop it, Jack!
It's a kick in the balls, right enough.
But what a meal, eh? I'll remember that fur the rest of ma days.
Ach, I suppose so, aye. Here, that wine was somethin' else, eh?
Aye. We've treated wurselves good and proper.
And rightly so. 60 years is a long time.
You cannae put a price on that. Aye, ye can! It's no' as much as £140 either!
Oh! Oh! Get yersel' thegither. This isnae oor stop!
I know. It's a wee diversion. You'll enjoy this.
4 o'clock. That gies us a good hour tae look roon'.
I'm no' payin' tae get in here, but. I'll get it.
Fly bastard.
This is smashin', eh? Aye, it's the berries, right enough.
A' the old shops.
A right wander down memory lane, in't it?
I reckon you saved that boy's life that day. D'ye think? Aye.
Showed foresight goin' into the only shop in the street that had a phone.
Dunno aboot foresight, Jack. Luck maybe.
Right enough, naebody really had phones back then, did they?
No, they did not. Fate, you'd have to call it.
Aye. Fate.
Some flashback, the old caur, eh?
Aye. They should never huv done away wi' they things.
Smashin' thing, eh?
De ye think that's the one that knocked Frank McCallum doon?
Naw, I wouldnae think so.
The 3 went through Pollokshields.
It was a 46 that knocked that boy down. 60 year. You wouldnae believe it.
Frightening-looking big bugger, that, eh?
It is, aye. I never knew this place was here. Ma daughter telt me.
Is that right? Only reason we're here is ma pal here,
Victor, saved a boy's life that got hit by a caur.
A long time ago. That's the day we met.
60 year ago the day.
Aye, that's right, aye. Aye, 60 year.
Frank McCallum.
Six month I was in the hospital. They didnae think I wis gonnae make it.
I says tae ma daughter, "That'll be 60 year since I got knocked doon."
It was her suggestion I come here.
It's amazing. A' that time passes and where do we meet ye again?
Right next tae a bloody tram!
In a lot happier circumstances tae.
I'd better get ma skates on. I've got tae pick up somethin' fur ma supper.
Why don't ye huv yer supper wi' us?
Eh? Aye. Come up tae oors and get somethin' tae eat,
have a couple o' haufs and catch up, eh? Aye, c'mon.
That's a very kind offer, boys. Aye. That would be lovely.
That wis lovely. Thanks fur that.
Did ye enjoy that, Jack?
It was lovely, aye. Wisnae as good as lunch, but.
Oh. ..What did ye do when ye came oot the Merchant Navy?
Oh, aye. Well, I'd met this lovely lassie in Portugal - Leone.
Ye want tae huv seen her. Gorgeous. Thin as a pin.
We got married oot there, I brought her hame and we hud our daughter, Cindy.
Aye, we were very happy.
Is she still livin'? Oh, aye. Wi' a lousy nae-user bastard in the South Side.
She's a big fat cow now.
You couldnae knock her doon wi' a tram. She'd derail the bastard.
Aye, it's a bit of a surprise, this, eh? Us three sittin' here.
It's more surprisin' he's broke oot wi' the malt.
I was saving this for a very special occasion.
If this isnae a special occasion, I don't know what is.
Right. Ye want a haun wi' these plates?
Me and Jack'll get these. Want a slice of Viennetta? What is it?
It's ice cream wi' chocolate laced through it. It's lovely.
Aye, well, I'll help ye oot wi' a plate of that, then.
Help yersel' to a wee malt there, Frank.
Cheers, Victor.
Where is he? He must be in the slasher.
Oh, I love this stuff.
It's lovely, in't it? Smashing, aye.
Some day we've had, eh? Aye.
Nice fella, in't he?
That's a big slice ye've gied him. He's a guest.
Take a wee end... Oi! A bit of respect!
The man's in the toilet and ye're tryin' tae steal his puddin'.
I'm gonna get a smoke.
Victor. Where's ma coat?
Bastard!
A carriage clock, sports jaiket and a wallet.
Aye, 60 quid in it!
And a pipe and two ounce of tobacco. Ssh. ..What else? Eh...
Where's yer tankard?
Oh, ma tankard! Ya bastard!
Sorry, hen. No, no' you. Yes, I'll hang on.
Whit ye daein'?
He's hardly comin' back, is he?
They wanted Frank McCallum, so I wis Frank McCallum!
Couple o' daft auld duffers.
So... they took you up tae their hoose?
Aye, and when I got the chance, I lifted this stuff.
Jesus. I thought ye'd chucked that. Still at the blag at your age.
I know, eh? Stupid auld bastards! They deserve a' they get.
Right. I'm away ower the road, try and unload this gear.
Not many people get their stuff back efter bein' robbed. Naw.
Frank McCallum. Frank McCallum. Or whoever you actually were.
Don't drink your beer oot o' that. Drink it oot yer tankard. Funny(!)
Two pints o' lager. Winston said you were in the toon yesterday,
celebrating 60 years of being pals.
Aye. Whit a day it turned out to be. Fantastic.
Did Winston also say he was shoutin' at us at the bus stop, calling us jessies?
Calling us pansies - gave us a right showing up, didn't he?
Just cos we didn't ask him to come. No, he didnae mention that.
Look, lads, I'm sorry aboot that.
I went in the huff cos you wouldnae let me come.
I realise it was your day and you didnae want me hangin' aboot.
Are ye still talking to me?
I suppose so. Nae hard feelings.
Let me get you a drink. Nah, you're awright.
No, I insist. ..Bobby, get us a couple o' drinks.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast.
To friendship.
To two pals who've stuck thegither Through thick and thin
for the past 60 year.
Jack and Victor.
ALL: Jack and Victor.
A couple o' bum chums!