1
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,800
Aw, Jesus, look at the mess!

2
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:54,160
Morning, Navid. Pete! I'll give you
morning, ye arsehole! Look at this!

3
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:58,520
It wisnae me. Shut up! If you were
hungry you could have come to me

4
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,640
and said, "Navid, I am hungry."

5
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:05,640
I could have given you something
to eat, like potato peelings.

6
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,920
Navid, I didnae dae this!

7
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:13,560
More lies. Pete, why don't you, if
you'll pardon the pun, come clean?

8
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:17,920
You're a smelly beggar and you like
eating fae bins. It was a fox.

9
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,880
A fox? Describe this fox.

10
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:25,640
Er, red, bushy tail. Wee mad snout.

11
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,680
I see.
Let me try and imagine the scene.

12
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:34,360
You are lying here on your arse
when this fox gets into ma garbage.

13
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,120
Then the fox finds two old bananas.

14
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:43,680
He hungrily wolfs one down. Spots you,
Pete the jakie, and feels compassion

15
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:49,520
because he's a kind-hearted fox. So
he then gives you the other banana.

16
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:56,760
Leave it, Pete,
the banana's humped ye.

17
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,160
Ohh!

18
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,080
I love a Sunday morning.

19
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:16,160
Gies ye a chance to power down and
look back on the week's toil. Aye.

20
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,760
What toil?

21
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:23,800
Going for your pension and that and
all that entails, you know, etc.

22
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,120
Aye. Ye must be knackered.

23
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,720
Sit doon and
I'll bring this through for ye.

24
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,600
Aw, ye know what I'm talking aboot.

25
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:37,160
Sunday's a day aff, isn't it?
Ye wanting a tomato in?

26
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:41,320
Ooh, what size is it?
It's a Lanark. Come on!

27
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:46,720
Mm, I doubt if I could eat a whole
one. Half each? Aye, half each.

28
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,640
Here - you seen this?

29
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,600
No.

30
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,360
"Craiglang Community Centre".

31
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,920
They're having
their "grand opening".

32
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:03,040
What do you think a "grand opening"
is? Grand opening?

33
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:07,640
I don't know. Queen and that.
Naw, that would be a royal opening.

34
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:12,560
It'll be somebody from the council.
Naw, that'd be an official opening.

35
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,720
Hmmm... Grand...

36
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,280
Grand opening...

37
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,920
It'll be some arsehole off
Take The High Road.

38
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,000
Or some daft, stupid weather lassie.

39
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,560
Do you remember we went
to that supermarket...

40
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:34,200
and they had that what's-his-face
guy. What was he called again?

41
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:38,143
Oh, aye. The big fat bastard.
Him off that cookery programme.

42
00:03:38,168 --> 00:03:40,560
Stands next tae that stupid cow?
Aye.

43
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:45,320
Honking of drink at nine o'clock
in the morning, cutting the ribbon.

44
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:50,880
That's right - big balloon! Snip,
snip, cheque please! Thank you!

45
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:55,320
Pub. Glug glug glug glug glug glug.
What a tit!

46
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,480
Well, here we are.

47
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,160
Not too much.

48
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,000
Mm, well, this looks nice.

49
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:28,560
You see, I cannae eat much
in the morning.

50
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,160
I'm the same. I've got the appetite
of a sparrow.

51
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:36,880
Little and often. That's the key.
Mm-hm. Ach, well. Bon appetit.

52
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,440
Enjoy.
BURR-RRP!

53
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,160
A quality bit of bunting there,
Bobby.

54
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,800
Nice, innit? How much would you pay
for that? Nothing.

55
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:02,920
Free buntin'?! Where did ye get it?
Brian Dexter's car showroom.

56
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:08,680
Is he no' in the jail for drugs? Aye, he
got ten years. Aye, so I took his buntin'.

57
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:13,480
What?
Ooh, stealing a gangster's buntin'.

58
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,200
Gie's peace! He might come back
for it. Do ye think?

59
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,760
OK, Tam. I'm Brian Dexter
and I'm in my wee jail cell.

60
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,640
"What's happening in ma showroom?
Is ma wife getting pumped?

61
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:31,200
"Never mind that. Who's got my buntin'?
Where's my buntin'?" Rattling his bars,

62
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:35,760
screaming for the whole jail
tae hear - "Where's ma buntin'?!"

63
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,440
Ye daft auld prick!

64
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,320
Where's the barman, Jack?

65
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:49,840
I dunno. I can see a big
daft lassie up a ladder, but.

66
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:54,880
Aye. We can see right up your skirt,
Bobby! See your frilly panties.

67
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:58,584
When you're finished fannying
aboot with that buntin',

68
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:01,504
Roberta, can ye give
us a couple of pints?

69
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:06,080
What's a' that in aid of, Bobby?

70
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,764
He's nicked Brian Dexter's buntin'.
Oooh! No' you as well!

71
00:06:09,789 --> 00:06:12,200
It's for the community
centre opening.

72
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:17,100
What's that tae dae wi' you?
There'll be dignitaries aboot.

73
00:06:17,125 --> 00:06:20,040
THIRSTY dignitaries.
Passin' trade!

74
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:26,400
If they've any brains, that's what they'll
dae - pass. Passin' trade. You'll be lucky!

75
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,197
I'LL worry about ma business

76
00:06:28,202 --> 00:06:32,700
and YOUSE two worry about whether
ye'll make it through another winter.

77
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:38,000
When are you gonnae realise, Bobby,
that this place is a shithole?

78
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,400
Accept it. Come to terms with it.

79
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,360
Try and deal with it. It's a coup!

80
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:47,400
And no amount of shitty buntin's
going to change that.

81
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:58,280
Oh, smashing! Two flat lagers.
Fit for a dignitary.

82
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,120
You're clean. Beat it.

83
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,960
Wee wide-o. Keep your eyes
on him, Meena. He's at the rob.

84
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,800
What?

85
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:19,123
I'm giein' it laldy to Pete, and you
sit there like a windae-licker!

86
00:07:19,128 --> 00:07:21,460
When were you going to tell me?

87
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,960
Why?

88
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,480
I knew you weren't sleeping,
you cow.

89
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,800
Pete! Wait! I want to apologise!

90
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:47,320
That was delicious. Another two
pints of your flat lager, please.

91
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,040
Hello, you two! Jesus! Isa.

92
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:55,120
You wantin' a drink? No. I'm no'
stopping. I popped in to tell ye...

93
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:59,360
Aye. Aye, a sweet sherry.
Wait till ye see Pete.

94
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:03,280
The jakie? Ye'll no' call him that
when ye see him. How?

95
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:08,040
He's headed in here. Ye'll see
for yersel'. I'm saying nothing!

96
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,088
Are you all right, Isa?
Aye. How?

97
00:08:10,113 --> 00:08:13,304
You saying nothing! Let me
take your pulse. Get aff!

98
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,880
Charlie.

99
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:25,120
Hen. Isa. Jimmy.

100
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:31,280
Glass of Thunderbird, Bobby. You
can't judge an alky by his cover.

101
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:36,920
Do you, er...want that
in a Martini glass?

102
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,960
Get it up ye!

103
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,000
Naw, naw, naw. That'll no dae at a'.

104
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,160
C'mere, you.

105
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:57,240
Have ye won the lotto? Going
tae a funeral? Or the court?

106
00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:01,000
Are you Pete's rich twin?
ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

107
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:09,920
Community centre. Opening tomorrow.
ALL: Mmm.

108
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,480
Council bigwigs'll be there.
ALL: Mmm.

109
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,836
What with me having been
wi' internal operations,

110
00:09:16,861 --> 00:09:19,344
I've been called in
to protect them.

111
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,760
MUTTERING

112
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,080
Look, I'm tellin' youse!

113
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:29,680
Don't talk shite. Internal
operations? Who are you? 007?

114
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:33,240
Aye - licensed tae get pished!

115
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:38,560
HUMS JAMES BOND THEME
The name's Bastard. Alky Bastard.

116
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:43,120
Martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Seven of them. And a kebab.

117
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,920
So there's me bawlin' at Pete -
"Bloody bin raker!"

118
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,800
then she tells me it was a fox.

119
00:09:50,825 --> 00:09:54,440
If you see him, tell him I'm
looking for him. Will do. OK.

120
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:58,760
A fox, eh? Tough one.
See if it was a rat, now,

121
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,352
you just set a trap for it, or poison it.
End of problem.

122
00:10:02,377 --> 00:10:04,520
But a fox! How do
you catch a fox?

123
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,560
By becoming one. Eh? ...Shug.

124
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:12,160
The fox appears tae be a
filthy bastard wi' stinking fur.

125
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,240
Thriving on rubbish.

126
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,680
Giving little in return.

127
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,640
But he's smart. Wily.

128
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:24,320
He's no' dirty.
He's clean. Groomed.

129
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:28,360
Aye, there's more to Mr Fox
than meets the eye.

130
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:32,800
He wants what you've got.
When does he want it? Night time.

131
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,720
You have to outsmart him.

132
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,840
Be trickier than him.

133
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:43,760
See him
in the very darkness he hides in.

134
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,200
Get under his skin.

135
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,800
Become him.

136
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,680
Pack of Yoyos, Navid.

137
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,280
What de ye make of
that bugger Pete?

138
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,000
Bet he found that suit
in a bin.

139
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,520
Internal operations.

140
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,760
Imagine Pete protectin' anybody.

141
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,760
You're awfy quiet, Bobby.
What are you sayin' tae it?

142
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:17,640
I don't know. Don't know what?
Maybe he wis tellin' the truth.

143
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,720
Whit? Get a haud of yerself.
No. Listen.

144
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:28,080
I've never spoke aboot this before.
It's gonnae sound stupid, but...

145
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:33,880
There was one night in here.
Must have been - oh, 20 year ago...

146
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,600
MUSIC: "Gold" by Spandau Ballet

147
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:42,880
De we have tae huv that again?
Turn that shite aff! Shut up. I like it.

148
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,640
TURNS MUSIC UP

149
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,120
'It wis quiet.
Just a couple of punters in.

150
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,440
'A few boys at the pool table.

151
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,960
'Pete was in. Just sittin' like he
always does, reading' his paper.

152
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:05,040
'Next thing I know, a rammy starts
up. Fightin', shoutin' and bawlin'.

153
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,200
'Here's the thing.

154
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,000
'By the time I get round the bar,
two boys are lying decked out,

155
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,120
'and Pete's haudin' a third boy,
who's sleeping like a baby.

156
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,320
'I says, "Whit's happened here?"

157
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,360
'"Nuthin," he says.'

158
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,800
What are ye sayin?
That he set aboot them all?

159
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,080
It'd be the smell off him
that knocked them oot.

160
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:38,200
Tam? Eric? You buyin' this?

161
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:42,360
It's an odd story,
right enough, Jack. Victor?

162
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:47,440
It's a lot of shite. We'll get
tae the bottom of it. Come on.

163
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,117
What is it we're doing?

164
00:12:54,122 --> 00:12:58,700
Well, we've got to find Pete and
find out what he's talking aboot.

165
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,160
I suspect it'll be a lot of pish.

166
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,878
Mind you, that was
a curious tale.

167
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:07,740
How could Pete lay out
three men single-handedly?

168
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:13,280
Maybe they've tried to take his drink
off him and he's turned into the Hulk!

169
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,920
Waagh! Troosers all burst -
"Give me back my pint!"

170
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,637
Where are youse two
off to in a hurry?

171
00:13:19,642 --> 00:13:23,100
Is Navid selling incontinence
pads at hauf price?

172
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,880
Very funny. Where are you going?

173
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:30,240
It's a big story.
Navid's being plagued by a fox.

174
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:34,840
It's tearing away at his garbage
and spreading its filth everywhere.

175
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:39,400
It's got to be stopped. I'm going up
to Shug's. He's got some equipment.

176
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,240
We're going to hunt it doon.
Exciting, eh?

177
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,080
Exciting, aye.
What are youse doing?

178
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:50,000
A certain somebody known to you...
and us...

179
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,480
a man...

180
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:56,520
may or may not be a covert agent
for the Government. Eh?

181
00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:02,040
We're placing him under oor surveillance
to ascertain if he's telling the truth.

182
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,160
That's really sad, that. What is?

183
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,683
You won't admit you've
got nothing to dae.

184
00:14:08,688 --> 00:14:12,300
I'm doing something really
interesting but you won't have it.

185
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,720
You're trying to top it
with spy pish!

186
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,760
Whit?

187
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:22,320
If you're going to pull on woolly slippers
to slurp tea while watching Fifteen To One,

188
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,560
be men enough to admit it.

189
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,120
Don't lie to me.
Excuse me - I've got a fox to catch.

190
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:33,960
Winston, we're telling you! OK.
I'll play along with your wee game.

191
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,080
Who is your international man
of mystery?

192
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,440
Pete the jakie.

193
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,760
Nope!

194
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:49,440
THEME FROM "The Pink Panther"

195
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:34,240
God's sake. What are we doing? Eh?
Following a tramp aboot the toon?

196
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,800
Desperate, isn't it?

197
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:41,400
Is that all we've got to do with
our time - fill it up with this?

198
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,120
Dreamin' up secret agent shite?

199
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,600
We must be aff our nuts, eh?

200
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,520
Come on. We'll jump back on the bus.
Aye.

201
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,520
Oh! Wait a minute, Jack. What?

202
00:15:53,840 --> 00:16:01,600
Look! He's headin' intae that big
fancy hotel! So he is. Come on! Aye!

203
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,600
Oh! See that? Aye!

204
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,600
Navid.

205
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:40,000
Gentlemen. Right on time.
Are we equipped? We are.

206
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,960
Come on, then.

207
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:50,600
What have you got for me?
Right, Navid...

208
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,120
Eh...

209
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,640
we've got scraps.

210
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:59,600
To attract him.
Chicken, pork and fat. Bait. Nice.

211
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,440
Then...we've got...

212
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:08,600
A stinger. 240 volts. Should render
him immobile for about a minute.

213
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:12,560
Giving us time to batter him
with a brick.

214
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,080
No! Giving us time
to slip him in this bag.

215
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:20,800
Throw him in the canal?
No, release him in the countryside.

216
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:25,520
Countryside. Guid yin. Humane. How are
we gonnae see him? It's pitch black.

217
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,560
We'll see him, all right.

218
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,640
Wi' these.

219
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,880
Night goggles. Quality!

220
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,480
Winston. Put the lights out.

221
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:44,080
Ho-ho! These are the bollocks!

222
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,120
Brilliant, eh Winston? Winston?

223
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,680
Hey you, ya cheeky bastard!

224
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,880
Nae butter on these?
I've no' got any.

225
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:08,120
There's Branston pickle there,
if you want it. That'll dae.

226
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,927
Here, what do you
think we saw today?

227
00:18:11,952 --> 00:18:15,200
Oh, I don't know, Jack.
We saw something, though.

228
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,840
The thing is, he couldnae have
always been an alky.

229
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:22,294
He must have done something
before he hit the sauce.

230
00:18:22,299 --> 00:18:24,620
What do we actually
know about him?

231
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,440
I cannae remember him ever working.

232
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,920
No, neither can I.

233
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:34,440
Maybe he's no' an alky at all -
maybe he's leading a double life.

234
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:38,240
It'll be a turn-up for the books
if he IS leading a double life.

235
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,905
Aye - after ripping
the pish out o' him.

236
00:18:40,930 --> 00:18:43,960
What was it you said?
"Licence to get pished."

237
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:48,040
Och, that was hee-haw. It's you
he'll be pissed off wi'. How?

238
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,880
You called him an alky bastard.

239
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,040
Do you think he will be pissed off?

240
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,600
I don't know.
We went in pretty heavy on him.

241
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,520
Think he's gonnae rub us oot(?)

242
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:00,720
Eh?

243
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:04,040
Aye, kill us government-style,
you know?

244
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,280
There you are,
on your way to the Post Office.

245
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:11,160
In the queue - "Hello, Tam.
Hello, Winston. Hello, Eric."

246
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,000
A face you don't recognise.
Next thing...

247
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:18,040
Urgh! Stabbed with the poisoned end
of a brolly. Assassinated!

248
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:24,920
Or you're sitting in the park, feeding the
ducks, an old dear sits down next to you.

249
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:28,000
"Hello."
But she's got stubbly legs.

250
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,720
Next thing, she's garotting you!

251
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,800
He wouldnae assassinate me, but.

252
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,520
I'd see him coming. Oh, aye? Aye!

253
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,920
I'd chop away the brolly,
grab him, birl him round

254
00:19:40,945 --> 00:19:43,920
and do that thing they
dae in the pictures -

255
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,760
Urgh...krk! - snap his neck.
"There ye are, ye bastard!"

256
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,360
I cannae get that open. Give me it.

257
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:54,880
I'd pull his jaikit over his heid,
pin his airms to his body!

258
00:19:54,880 --> 00:20:00,720
I'd get the palm of my haun', smash
it off his nose, kill him deid.

259
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,760
I cannae get that either.

260
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,080
Do you want to just eat these dry?

261
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,000
Another pint over here, Bobby,
please.

262
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,440
Is that the finishing touches
for the morra? Aye.

263
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:19,760
...Did ye steal that
fae Brian Dexter's showroom tae?

264
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:23,000
Aye...
I had tae cut a bit aff it, but.

265
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,040
Bobby...

266
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,828
You might be right about Pete.

267
00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:34,860
We followed him intae the toun and
he wis acting right suspicious.

268
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,255
We saw him hookin' up
wi' a couple of suits.

269
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,000
There's definitely something gaun on.
I telt youse.

270
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,200
Internal operations... >

271
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,800
...Pete?!

272
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,240
< Bobby...

273
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,320
Glass of Thunderbird?

274
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,400
Eh... No, water -
I'm workin' the morra.

275
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,880
LAUGHTER
That's right - snigger. Have a laugh.

276
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:59,160
Too much tae swallow that a smelly
alky could have responsibilities?

277
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:03,080
Who'd want anythin' tae dae wi' me,
eh? What good am I to anybody?

278
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,560
That's all right.
You wait till the morra.

279
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,920
See who's sniggerin' then.

280
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:13,480
Oh, and by the way, your mission,
should you choose to accept it -

281
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,040
sniff my manky ring!

282
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,720
No, I'll pass, if you don't mind.

283
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:29,960
I'm bored oot ma tits, here. Shh!
We've only been here hauf an hour.

284
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:34,400
So it's been 29 minutes since the
novelty of these goggles wore aff?

285
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:35,480
What are you talkin' aboot?

286
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:39,320
I thought I wis going tae see
Craiglang At Night -

287
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:45,080
break-ins, kids daein' graffiti,
neds shaggin' in the park, knifings.

288
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,560
Instead, what huv we seen?

289
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,440
A dug takin' a dump. Rubbish.

290
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,180
Everything OK
at the community centre?

291
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,600
Everything OK
at the community centre? (Polis!)

292
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,480
Aye. Things should go off
all right tomorrow. Good.

293
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:03,320
I've got tae take a pish. Aye, me
an a'. Ma back teeth are swimming.

294
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,360
We say we're looking for a fox.

295
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:09,120
We're wearing night-vision goggles -
we look like assassins!

296
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:14,160
I borrowed these fae the Terries
without tellin'! I'll get lifted!

297
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,640
THEY URINATE

298
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,160
Naw! This is too much
for any man to take!

299
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:27,280
You pished all over my tank top!
It's wringin', ya filthy bastard!

300
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,720
Oh, I'll need to nick into Navid's
for some tobacco. Righto.

301
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,640
Shut. That's odd -
he's normally open by noo.

302
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:49,000
Probably still in his bed,
the big balloon.

303
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:55,360
You know, they're throwing 30 grand
at this community centre. Are they?

304
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:57,915
That's like pissin' in
the wind round here -

305
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,620
the council build it up
and the neds pan it in.

306
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:05,640
What's in it, anyway? A ping pong
table, I think. Is that it? Aye.

307
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,720
Jesus! Disneyworld.
Isneyworld, mair like...

308
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,720
It gives me great pleasure

309
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,200
to be here today. Naw, it doesnae.

310
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:34,240
With great admiration, I've watched the
community of Craiglang grow and flourish...

311
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,200
Naw, ye huvnae.

312
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:40,270
My father grew up here and
always had the greatest respect

313
00:23:40,295 --> 00:23:42,464
for his home... Naw, he didnae.

314
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,920
I only wish he was here
to see this. Naw, ye don't.

315
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:52,473
I'm sure he would join me in
congratulating Craiglang today

316
00:23:52,478 --> 00:23:57,080
as we open this wonderful
facility, for this building

317
00:23:57,105 --> 00:24:02,840
is a magnificent addition to a caring,
thriving, forward-thinking community.

318
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:03,960
Naw, it isnae.

319
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,880
Oh... There's Pete!

320
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:18,320
Where? There! By the councillor!
Jesus, he wis right enough!

321
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,360
Pete!

322
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,400
ALL SHOUT

323
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,000
He's wan of yer ain!
Take your bloody hauns aff him!

324
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,240
Get your hauns aff him!
...Get off me!

325
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,760
Are you all right?

326
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:12,480
Four bloody hours. We should
punch your hole in, ye bastard.

327
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,680
Tellin' lies
about workin' for the polis...

328
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:20,120
Protectin' the councillor.
Sorry. Why did ye dae it, Pete?

329
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,720
Shut up, ya wee dick. Beat it!

330
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:30,040
We saw you getting intae a lift
wi' two heavies.

331
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:34,600
Aye. Well, I stood beside them
so you'd think I wis wi' them.

332
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,640
You werenae wi' them?

333
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,640
You havnae got 20p for a cup of tea?

334
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,520
Naw...

335
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,200
So that was a' shite?
Sorry.

336
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,560
You're reekin' of pish.
No, that's me. Eh?

337
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:59,480
A cop pished on my tank top.
What? Never mind.

338
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,000
Why did ye tell a' thae lies, Pete?

339
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,840
I'll tell ye why. Have you any idea
what it's like to be me?

340
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,320
Pete the jakie? Pete the tramp?

341
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,280
Smelly Pete? ...Eh?

342
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:18,920
Craiglang - it's a shitehole.
And I'm the shiteiest thing in it.

343
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,440
That's how people think about me
and I'm sick of it.

344
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:27,320
So I made up those lies - that I
was important, that I was somebody.

345
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,840
Big deal. So what?

346
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,760
Noo ye know - I'm a naebody.

347
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:39,520
Bollocks! Aye, bollocks. Sat in a
cell for 4 hours - ma arse is numb!

348
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:43,040
We've just done time for you,
ya arsehole! Easy, easy.

349
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:46,080
Calm doon.
You'll get us lifted again!

350
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,360
Jack. Victor.
You're being a bit harsh.

351
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:54,560
We are all just out the jail. Emotions are
running a bit high. We're all a bit raw.

352
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:58,920
So he told a lie and it got a bit
out of hand. We all tell lies.

353
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,040
We shouldn't be singling him
out because of what he is.

354
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,800
Let's get a drink and have a laugh
about it. We could dae wi' one.

355
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,600
Aye, I'll take a half. A wee pint.

356
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,480
How did a polis come tae pish oan
yer tank top? We were fox hunting.

357
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:27,080
That's another thing. There wisnae
any fox - I raked through your bins.

358
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:33,520
You dirty, smelly, useless bin-rakin'
bastard - I'm going to rip yer jaw!

359
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,520
It's good tae have ye out, Brian.
It's guid tae BE out.

360
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,680
So, what's been happening?

361
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,042
Oh, your business
is doon the tubes,

362
00:27:52,067 --> 00:27:56,024
Bobby nicked yer buntin', Davie
Taylor's shaggin' yer missus.

363
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,000
Back up a bit...

364
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,080
Who's got ma buntin'?

365
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:35,440
Hello? Yes, sir.
...No, thank YOU, sir.

366
00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:39,200
Oh, they still think I'm a tramp.

367
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,800
Really? Where would that be, sir?

368
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:44,840
Eh? ...Thursday, midnight?

369
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:49,240
Eh, I'll need a chopper...
and, eh...six cans?