1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,200 - Aye, Toronto. - Aye, Toronto. 2 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,200 Jeez-o. 3 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,640 - Oh, my God. - What is it, honey? 4 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,800 It's my dad. 5 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:59,320 Oh, my God, look at him. He's got so old. 6 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,720 - Ah-ha-ha! - Ha-ha! 7 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,240 Dad! How are you? 8 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,000 Oh, you old bugger, you had me going. 9 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,40 Look at youse two. Tony boy. 10 00:01:12,40 --> 00:01:15,680 Well, listen. I hope you don't mind, I've brought Victor with me. 11 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,840 Oh, Dad! That's a bit much. 12 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,360 I wish you'd mentioned to me. 13 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,800 Oh...Jesus! 14 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,920 Just kiddin'. 15 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,880 Aye, I just about shat myself there. 16 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,360 - This is the bollocks, in't it? - Aye. 17 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,880 It's like Hollywood. 18 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,320 I'm no going hame. 19 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:44,440 Size of that bloody telly... Oh, there's the boys. 20 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:50,320 - There you go, Grandad. - Thank you, Jack. - Here you go, Mr McDade. - Call me Victor. 21 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,720 Tennents! Nice touch. Where did your father get these? 22 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:58,120 There's a great shop in the mall. Wanted to make you feel at home. 23 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,640 That's smashing, Tony. Your health. 24 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,320 Yous are big lads now, right enough, eh? Size of them. 25 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,120 - Do youse drink beer, do you? - No. - No. 26 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,720 Want to try some? Take a wee sip. 27 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:14,560 Fiona! There's the boys drinking beer! 28 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:20,480 Right, youse two. Wire in. You'll be starvin'. 29 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:24,239 It's pastrami sandwiches there, coleslaw, dills and chips. 30 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,440 Very American. I've always wanted to say, 31 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,960 "Give me a pastrami on rye... and hold the, um..." 32 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:36,240 - "hold the..." That stuff that looks like salad cream. - Mayo. - "..mayo." 33 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:40,360 - Lovely. - Cannae believe you're here, Dad. It's so good to see you. 34 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,440 Good to see you too, darlin'. 35 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:46,800 - First things first, you'll be wanting a wee sleep. - Oh, no, no, no, no. 36 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:51,960 - I'm high on adrenaline. I'm that happy to be here. Victor? - Och, I'll no sleep. 37 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:56,640 Well, it's up to you. I've made a list of things you might want to see. 38 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,279 Oh, aye. 39 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:03,320 - There you go. - You know, the CN Tower, Niagara Falls, the touristy stuff an' that. 40 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,440 Aye, that sounds smashing. Eh, Victor? 41 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,480 LOUD SNORING 42 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,000 I'll go and get his bed ready. 43 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:16,280 - Darlin', would it be all right if I used your phone? It's just I promised them we'd phone. - Who? 44 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:21,600 - The Clansman. - A pub?! You're phoning a pub to let them know you've arrived safely! 45 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,359 - Aye, is that daft, is it? - No if you don't think it is. 46 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,400 Dial 00 44 141, then the number. 47 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,120 Och, I'll do it. 48 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,600 What's the number? 49 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:38,280 - 496 0009. - ..There you are. 50 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,800 Right, ta. Oh, that's it ringing. 51 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,840 PHONE RINGS 52 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:48,160 - Clansman. - Hello, Bobby. It's Jack here. 53 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:52,359 - Jack? - Just calling to say we've arrived safe. That's us landed safe. 54 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:57,800 Oh, hallelujah, you're safe(!) I mean, when was it you left, yesterday? 55 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,560 You've landed noo and you're safe(!) 56 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:06,600 Oh, well, thank God, we were worried sick(!) Everyone, it's Jack and Victor, they're safe! 57 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,720 - You bastard, put Winston on. - Winston! 58 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,240 It's Jack. They're safe(!) 59 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,79 - Gie me that phone, ya dick. - Give Victor a big kiss for me, Jack. 60 00:04:16,79 --> 00:04:18,560 God speed, Jack. God speed. 61 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,200 Jack. Jack, you're safe! 62 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,560 - Don't you bloody start. - I'm not. How's your family? 63 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,600 They're fine and dandy. ..Winston. 64 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,200 - What time is it there? - I dunno. Back o' ten. 65 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,320 - At night? - Aye. 66 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:38,840 - It's only the back of five here. - Is it? - Aye. That means when you go to bed I'll still have the whole night. 67 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:44,200 - Aye. - See first thing in the morning, I'll be getting up... - Aye, aye, Jack, the world's round. What is it? 68 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,760 - Have you a pen there? - Aye. Isa! 69 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:49,280 - Have you got a pen? - 'Right, OK.' 70 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:55,719 - This is where we're gonna be, so write this doon in case. - In case of what? In case your granda dies? 71 00:04:55,720 --> 00:05:00,80 - No, I dunno. In case the house burns down or whatever. - Aye, OK. 72 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,680 Right, go. 73 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:07,920 It'll be 001, right? And then it's...555 74 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,920 572 7224. 75 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,840 - Did you hear that? - Aye. - Right, OK, the address - 76 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,39 1009, 77 00:05:18,40 --> 00:05:20,800 1009, uh-huh. 78 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,760 1009, Jack. 79 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,80 - SNORING - Jack? 80 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,800 INDIAN MUSIC 81 00:05:47,80 --> 00:05:51,200 Have a good swatch. You're just gutted cos I've got all the moves. 82 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,360 Aye, just cos you cannae dance, you fat cow. 83 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,880 - Morning, Isa. - Morning, Navid. 84 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:10,440 - Oh, look at your hair, all fancy. - Aye, a wee shampoo and set oot o' Claire's this morning. 85 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:14,160 Classy. I wonder who this new look could be for, huh? 86 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:19,200 It is surely not for me, because sadly I am taken already with Naomi Campbell over there. 87 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:25,240 - Winston? - No. - Oh, gie us all peace, Isa. 88 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:29,680 You've been wittering on aboot him all week making that moon face. 89 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:33,640 - Oh, Winston. - I've not, have I? - Aye, you have. 90 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:37,280 - So are you two an item now? - No. ..Och, I don't know. 91 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:41,119 We have a right laugh together. And he loves his grub. 92 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,920 He's coming round to my place for his dinner the night. 93 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:49,200 No. Me and Winston? Naw! 94 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:55,520 - Ah, but maybe. - Well... Oh, jeez, here he's coming in the shop. Don't say a word about... - Of course not. 95 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,240 - Hello, Navid. - So I hear you and Isa are pumpin', eh? 96 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:03,520 - What? - Aw, you mad shagger, Isa told me. - Indeed I did not. 97 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,560 - I never said that, Vincent. - Does that make you feel proud, Navid? 98 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:11,240 Using that sort of language in front of an employee, hmm? 99 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,280 - Naw, sorry. - Prick. 100 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,320 - Aye, he's a prick. - Gie's my paper. 101 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:28,760 - I was thinking seven for dinner the night. - Oh, no, not the night. I'm playing dominoes with Eric and Tam. 102 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:33,80 Oh, and I've got a lovely big steak pie, you know? Oot o' Finlay's. 103 00:07:33,80 --> 00:07:36,599 Finlay's? With the sausages through it? 104 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:43,280 - And the well-fired crust? - Oh, you should see it. - Aye, I will see it. I'm blowing Eric and Tam oot. 105 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,159 Oh, and you'd dae that for me? 106 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:50,720 - I'm no daein' it for you, I'm daein' it for the pie. - He-he-he! 107 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:54,200 He's daein' it for the pie. He-he! The pie! 108 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:05,680 - Dad? - Oh, I'm sorry, Fiona, have I woke you up? 109 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,600 No. Can you no sleep? 110 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,120 No, I got up about ten minutes ago... 111 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,840 bright as a button. Where do you keep your bloody tea? 112 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,200 - I'll get it. - I'll get it, here. Away you back to your bed. 113 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,240 Oh, no. 114 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,160 We'll have a wee gab. Catch up. 115 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,920 - It's good you've brung Victor with you. - Aye, aye. 116 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,560 He's a good pal to me. 117 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,520 - Is anything the matter? - No, no. I was just thinking... 118 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:40,199 - I cannae believe the boys. The bloody size of them. - I know. Steven starts high school next year. 119 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:46,440 - Aye, you done the right thing, moving out here. It's a rare place to bring weans up. - It's home noo. 120 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,320 # It's Canada day, up Canada way! # Morning! Where's the cornflakes? 121 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:54,160 Away back to your bed, you half-wit! It's three o'clock in the morning. 122 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,880 Come on. Come on. 123 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,920 ALL CHEER 124 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,760 Oh. 125 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:13,400 - What do we owe you for the tickets, boy? - Nothing. I get them through the company. - For nothing? - Aye. 126 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,240 Good, in't it? Smashing atmosphere. 127 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,40 Lovely and safe. Good family outing. 128 00:09:19,40 --> 00:09:23,79 - Have you got ice hockey in Scotland, grandad? - Eh? Oh, aye, we have, Jack, 129 00:09:23,80 --> 00:09:28,120 but, aye, naebody bothers with it. It's football over where we come fae, isn't that right? 130 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,800 We used to go to the fitba'. 131 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,680 We used to take a big carry-out - 12 bottles of beer. 132 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,000 A wee quarter-bottle each. 133 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:42,320 Course they didnae have seats then - you had to stand. Now and again there'd be a dodgy decision, 134 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:46,120 and then a sea of beer bottles would come over your head like that. 135 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:51,160 You could hear them whistling by your ears and you'd be praying somebody wasnae pissing up the back. 136 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:57,400 Mind this one time after a match. Oh, there was a running battle with folk all stabbing each other. 137 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:02,520 And we cut up this wee backstreet together, and just as we turned this corner, 138 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:06,560 this big fat bastard policeman hits me with his baton. 139 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,400 - Pow! You want to have seen the blood. - Oh, what a laugh it was. 140 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:15,920 - Ya beauty! - Ya bastardin' dumplin'! 141 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:20,120 - Jack, Victor, please. - Sorry, lads. - It's OK, Grandad. 142 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:24,880 - It's all right. - We should have had a wee punt on this game. 143 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:30,640 - Aye. - Tony, we should have had a bet on the game there. - You can't bet on the games. - Cannae put a line on? - No. 144 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,319 - That's a bit poor, is it no? - Aye, it's all very tame, in't it? - Aye. 145 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:39,360 - It's all about big business, you know? It's aimed at the families. - All the excitement's took oot it. 146 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,240 I mean, that boy's all padded. 147 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,760 - So, you and Isa going oot? - Eh? 148 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,280 - Naw. - Well, you're seein' a hell of a lot of her. 149 00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:00,480 - Aye, well, so would you. - Oh, just sex, then. - No. 150 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,760 - Grub. - Grub! - Ooh, aye. 151 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:07,439 Best o' gear too, every time. The other night we had steak pie. 152 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,360 - Right. - Oot o' Finlay's. 153 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:14,000 - With the sausages through it? - Aye, the very same. 154 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:19,480 - I gonnae have to knock it on the head. - How do you mean? - Well, all this grub comes at a price, Eric. 155 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:24,800 - I'm no with you. - Well, it's Isa, in't it? You have to put up with her chat all the time. 156 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,640 Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak. 157 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,480 Oh, aye, and...yak, yak, yak, yak. 158 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,520 What's that other thing she does? 159 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,280 That's it, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak. 160 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:39,439 You see my dilemma, Eric. I'm a big fat greedy bastard. 161 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:43,80 - What if you had an emergency? - Keep talking. 162 00:11:43,80 --> 00:11:46,600 Whenever you finish your grub, I phone you. 163 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,600 That would mean I'd have to have her up to mine, but that's no problem. 164 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,960 And I say, "I'm locked oot... and it's an emergency." 165 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:59,880 Eric, that's perfect. Right, 9.30. Call me at 9.30 - no later. 166 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,680 - I'll meet you in the Clansman for a pint. - On you? - On me? That's a given. 167 00:12:09,40 --> 00:12:13,79 Right you, Wendy's Wonder, three quid on the nose. 168 00:12:13,80 --> 00:12:14,960 What's that? 169 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,880 - What's what? - This. 170 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:23,520 - Sucking in through the teeth. - Fell at her last outing - no really living up to her early promise. 171 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,400 - Right, I'm away, OK? 9.30. - On the button, mind. - Aye. 172 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:33,640 - On the button. - Aye, OK. - What happens at 9.30? - Winston has asked me to phone him at 9.30 because... - Eric! 173 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,319 Why are you telling Stevie anything? 174 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,360 Stevie does not need to know a thing. Stevie is a bookie... 175 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,480 and that is all he is. 176 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:46,600 He does not need to know what happens tonight. Now you, 9.30. 177 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,520 You, Wendy's Wonder. Run along, Stevie boy. Trot on. 178 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,240 Wendy's Wonder. Third. 179 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,240 Second. 180 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,440 Pulled up. ..Fell. 181 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,480 Who are you, Stevie? John McCririck, eh? 182 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,360 Wendy's Wonder. Next race. Three quid. 183 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,400 On the nose. Ya tit. 184 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:12,720 - I thought I'd catch you in here. You wee monkey, gambling, eh? - Isa, you gave me a fright. 185 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,480 - What about mince and tatties th' night? - Smashing. Listen. 186 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:20,720 Here, I was going to say, why don't you come up to my house tonight? 187 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:25,760 See, I'm always o'er at yours watching your telly. A wee change of venue, eh? 188 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,160 - Oh, aye, that's smashing. It's a date. - Right. 189 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,680 Oh, Victor, are you still dealing with the jetlag? 190 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,199 Aye. Oh, it's a bugger. 191 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:42,240 - Did you enjoy the hockey match? - Oh, aye, it was smashing, aye. 192 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,720 Your da enjoyed himself an' all. 193 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:51,920 - What's Craiglang like noo? - Pardon my French, darlin', but... it's a shitehole. - Oh, is it? 194 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,880 Aye. It's no the place you remember. 195 00:13:57,80 --> 00:14:00,680 Do you mind your maw used to take you to Mrs McCann's shop? 196 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:04,120 Aye. I'd sit on the counter and she'd give me a toffee apple. 197 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,280 Aye. That's all shutters noo. 198 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,319 Oh. 199 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,480 - Is that wee lane still there - gets you to the park? - Roseford Lane? - Aye. 200 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:18,760 Aye, that's a shooting-up gallery for the junkies now. You need a gun to go up that lane. 201 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:26,439 What do you think my would say if we asked him to come and live with us? 202 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,240 Eh, I don't know. 203 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,280 You gonnae ask him? 204 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,800 We're thinking aboot it. Do you think you could sound him out? 205 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,000 I don't think that's ma place, darlin'. 206 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,000 - But you're his best friend. - Aye, and you're his daughter. 207 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,280 You're talking about a family thing. 208 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,319 CHUCKLING 209 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,560 - Are you up an' all? - Hello, Dad. - Hi, doll. 210 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,160 Right, I'm off to my bed to stare at the ceiling. 211 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,760 Good night! 212 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:00,480 Or morning or middle or whatever. 213 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:05,760 - Oh, he's left tea there. - Me and Tony want you to stay, Dad. 214 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,600 Oh. 215 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:14,240 The summers are long, you could see the kids all the time, there's a lovely wee pub you'd love. 216 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,400 Tony thinks the world of you. 217 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,600 I knew that was coming. 218 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:23,360 Aye, you're right. It would be fantastic but... 219 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,400 - It's no for me. - Why? 220 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,40 Well...right... 221 00:15:31,40 --> 00:15:34,560 See, years ago, before you were born... 222 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:41,199 me and your mother were going to emigrate to Canada. We'd signed all the papers - we were going. 223 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,720 - So what happened? - We couldnae dae it. 224 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:48,839 Our bottles crashed. Bottom line was we werenae the type. 225 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:52,760 Thousands went. Pals o' mine. 226 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,920 Family an' that. 227 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,360 But we didnae. 228 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,240 And then you were born. 229 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,800 And you grew up and you came. 230 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,000 Noo look at you. 231 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,720 I'm that bloody chuffed for you, so I am. 232 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:16,80 Ach, there's a time o' your life when you make those kind of decisions, you know? 233 00:16:16,80 --> 00:16:18,840 My time for that's past. 234 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,280 Come oot here...I couldnae come oot here without your mother. 235 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:29,120 To start again? I'm no at the start. 236 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,319 Anyway, I've got to go hame. 237 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,800 I've still got eight pound left on my power card. 238 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:55,40 Noo, Sandy O'Brien's wife. I... 239 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:12,000 Now...Sandy O'Brien's wife. What of her? 240 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,920 PHONE RINGS 241 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,520 Who could that be? At this time! I wanted to hear that too. 242 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,560 I wanted a right good gab. Tch! 243 00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:29,959 Hello! Who is this? ..Eric. 244 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,000 ..At THIS time? 245 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,920 An emergency, you say? 246 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,360 Locked out. 247 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:42,399 How can I help? Yes, that's true, I did train as a locksmith but... 248 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:47,320 I never followed it through and ended up taking another career path. 249 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,120 I'll be right over. 250 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,40 Is that Eric? Is he all right? 251 00:17:55,40 --> 00:17:59,760 No, he's locked oot. He needs my help. Let yourself oot. 252 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,280 You don't want me to wait here? 253 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,399 No, no. Locks take an awful long time. 254 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,80 - You better go to him. - See you after. 255 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,560 Yes. 256 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:21,159 Here, see when the waitress comes back...I'm going to slap her arse like they do in the movies. 257 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,880 Aye, that's what to do... 258 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:29,000 and me, my daughter, and my grandweans can watch her rip your arm off and batter your melt in. 259 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,560 Aye, right enough. She looks handy. 260 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,520 - What are you getting, boys? - A Gutbuster. - Each. 261 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,600 To share. 262 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,680 That looks big enough, aye. What's that you're having, darlin'? 263 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:47,800 - A Danish and a coffee. - Aye, you see, just like your mother, darlin', appetite of a sparrow. 264 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,40 What are you on? 265 00:18:50,40 --> 00:18:54,280 Eight rashers of Canadian bacon, six sausages, eggs, hash browns, 266 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:59,320 round of toast, and a side of pancakes. THIS is the Lumberjack's Snack. 267 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:05,000 Eight rashers of bacon! That's a full packet. All you'll be fit for after that's your bed, eh? 268 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:09,200 - Nonsense. This'll set me up for the day. What you getting? - Eggs. 269 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,000 - Can you get just eggs? - Aye, you can. I didnae want anything else. 270 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,840 That'll be your eggs, then. 271 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:21,240 - There's a chicken firing eggs out its arse like a Tommy gun. - Dad! 272 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,80 I'll never eat all that. 273 00:19:24,80 --> 00:19:26,40 LOUD BURP 274 00:19:26,40 --> 00:19:30,80 Sorry. You wouldnae think you could eat nine eggs, would you? 275 00:19:30,80 --> 00:19:33,600 - And half my bloody bacon. - Aye, sorry about that. 276 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,639 Look at this queue. What is it we're going up here for again? 277 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,880 - LIFT PINGS - Good point, Jack(!) 278 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:46,000 I've no idea why we're going up the world's tallest freestanding building(!) 279 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,320 Tallest freestanding building... 280 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:54,280 - I don't think I need to bother, I've done all the big heights. - When have you done the heights? 281 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,240 Eh... 282 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:59,720 - Well... - Come on. - The Rid Road flats. 283 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,560 Are you afraid to go up, Grandad? 284 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,399 Me? To go up there?! Oh, no, no, no. I'm quite happy to go up. 285 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,440 LIFT PINGS 286 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,399 Jack. 287 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,320 Hello and welcome to the CN Tower. 288 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,879 The world's tallest building and a wonder of the modern world. 289 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:30,480 We're riding in one of our six high-speed elevators which will be going up at 15mph or 22kmph. 290 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,160 Do you hear that, Jack? 22kmph we're travelling at. 291 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,920 - That's faster than the lift at Osprey Heights, eh? - Aye. 292 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,640 Are you all right, Dad? 293 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,680 LIFT PINGS 294 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:54,200 - Dad, what you doing? Come and look! - I can see all right fae here, aye. 295 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,760 Jack, they've got a glass floor. You can see all the way doon. 296 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:04,240 - Come on, Grandad. - Come on! - Come on, Grandad! - I'm fine here. I can see fine. Just leave me, I'm fine. 297 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:08,480 - Grandad's scared. - Grandad's scared. - That's just silliness now. 298 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,000 Jack, watch this! 299 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,80 - Scaredy cat! - Scaredy cat! 300 00:21:13,80 --> 00:21:15,120 RETCHING 301 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,960 Calm, doon, it'll wash off. It's only a bit of sick, for God's sake. 302 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,439 Shite. Bobby! 303 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,520 - What? - Have you got another phone back there I can use? - Oh, aye. 304 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,560 I've got these wee Samsung P500. Oh...! 305 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:38,200 I nearly forgot. That's ma phone. 306 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,440 You use the punter phone. 307 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:44,320 - Come on, Bobby, it's urgent. - Who are phoning? - Winston. 308 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,840 Nah. 309 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:50,879 - I've got to phone him! - What's so urgent? - Isa's cooking him his dinner all the time noo. 310 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,960 Once he's eaten, he doesnae want to sit and listen to her shite, 311 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:59,360 - so I phone at 9.30 and say there's an emergency. - What's the number? 312 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:03,600 And she says to me, "I've been using caramel shortcake for years 313 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,520 "for socks and shawls and the like. 314 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:11,160 "And that there in your haund is a ball of caramel shortcake." Well, I turned it round. 315 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:16,760 There it was. Bold as you like - caramel shortcake. I don't mind telling you, I was mortified. 316 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,240 And then SHE sa... PHONE RINGS 317 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,680 Hello, Eric... Huh-hmm. ..Hello. 318 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,920 Hello, Winston. Enjoy your dinner? 319 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,960 - Hello, Eric. - 'It's no Eric.' 320 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,520 - 'It's Bobby.' - Yes, Eric. 321 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,560 - Put Isa on. - No. 322 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:43,400 I want to tell her how you cannae be daein' sitting aboot listen to all her... What was it, Eric? 323 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,440 - Shite. - Who smashed your windae? 324 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:50,240 I'm aboot to smash your wee windae. That poor woman cooking your dinner! 325 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:54,120 - I'll be right over. - Aye, to buy me a brandy. - Rightie-o, Eric. 326 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,159 Bye-bye! 327 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,360 - It's been great, innit? - Oh, aye. 328 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:04,639 I never thought I'd get to this age and still be seeing new places. 329 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,280 Aye, we're no done yet. We've still got Niagara Falls to see. 330 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,320 That's what you want to dae? Go hame? 331 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,879 Aye, she knows that noo. I've telt her, aye. 332 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,360 I'll no see Canada again. 333 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:22,40 - Well, she can visit you. - Aye, aye, I suppose so. 334 00:23:22,40 --> 00:23:26,159 - Hi, guys. Great place, isn't it? - Oh, it's absolutely stunning, aye. 335 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:31,320 - Course we've got the real thing back home, haven't we? - The real thing? - Aye, a big place called Firhill. 336 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:35,320 - It's about twice the size of this place. - Really, wow. - Aye, 337 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,159 jam-packed every week it is. Smashing. See you now. 338 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,760 Away you go, you couple of lying old bastards. 339 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,200 I was brought up in Maryhill. 340 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:57,120 Anyway I'm seeing her at the bingo on Saturday after, Wins. We'll soon see if her nose is outta joint. 341 00:23:57,120 --> 00:24:00,320 - Why are you looking at the clock? - I'm no. 342 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,760 No. Do you mind wee Kelly-Ann Reid? 343 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:10,360 Well, they don't want her taking up with this boy and they've told him not tae phone, but he keeps phoning. 344 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:15,240 Alison doesn't want a big rumpus, so she'd nae option but to pull the plug oot the phone, 345 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,40 and that way the phone couldnae ring. 346 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,960 - And I thought, "That's a smashing idea." - What did you dae that for? 347 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,200 To stop Eric phoning here with some emergency. 348 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:37,680 - What you on about? - I'm up here every night cooking your dinner, washing your plates, gein' you your tea, 349 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:42,200 - and at exactly half-past nine that phone rings... - No, it doesnae. 350 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:47,520 - ..and you're out that door, so you don't have to sit and listen to ma pish. - No, I werenae. 351 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:52,80 Right, it's 9.35. What do you think's gonna happen when I plug that in? 352 00:24:52,80 --> 00:24:53,960 ..Nothin'. 353 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,400 PHONE RINGS 354 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:08,920 Pick it up! 355 00:25:19,80 --> 00:25:20,919 Uh! 356 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,120 - Hello. - It's me, Eric. 357 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:27,159 Five bloody times I've tried to phone you and it just kept ringing oot. 358 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:31,760 - Right. - Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I've been mugged or whatever. 359 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,280 See you in the Clansman in five minutes. 360 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,240 Oh! 361 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,240 Absolutely staggering. 362 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,680 Aye, this must be my tenth time here. 363 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,840 Never tire of it. 364 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:55,439 Do you know what wastes it a wee bit, though? All they tacky touristy shops o'er there. 365 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,160 - I think it makes it look a wee bit Blackpooly. - Aye. 366 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:04,40 Look at that numpty o'er there with the daft hat on. 367 00:26:04,40 --> 00:26:07,120 Fiona! Jack! What do you think? 368 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:10,399 - Nice. - Aye, lovely. Suit you. 369 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:14,280 Oh, didnae think I'd forget my old pal, did you? 370 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,320 That's smashing. Thanks very much. 371 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,40 - Right, who's for the Maid Of The Mist? - Me! - Me! 372 00:26:24,40 --> 00:26:27,520 Naw, naw. We'll hang aboot here. Away you go and enjoy yourselves. 373 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:30,40 OK. Come on, you two. 374 00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:36,639 Are you sure you don't want to stay, Dad? 375 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,200 Aye, I'm sure. 376 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:44,320 I've often wondered what it would've been like if me and yer maw had come oot here to stay. 377 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,840 Oh, that reminds me... 378 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,920 Mum's ring! 379 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,200 No, Dad, you keep it. 380 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:59,520 No, I brought it oot here for you to keep. 381 00:27:08,80 --> 00:27:11,000 Oop. That was unfortunate. 382 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:48,240 Get your money in. Come on, Eric. Tackiest gift fae Jack and Victor wins the pot. 383 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,840 - Right, Eric. What did they get you? - They brought me a thermometer... 384 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,720 with a photo of Niagara Falls on it. Really shitty. 385 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,360 Nah. 386 00:27:57,360 --> 00:28:00,360 - I could top that. - The floor's yours. 387 00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:03,800 Rocky Mountain desert wine. 388 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,560 That's no tacky. That's no bad. 389 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,919 Gather round, gents. A shot glass emblazoned with the legend Canada. 390 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:16,320 - Aye, so what? Canada, big deal. - Ah, don't be so hasty. 391 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:20,840 Watch what happens when I place some booze into the glass. 392 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:27,600 There you go - a naked lady. 393 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,560 - That's very good. - That's no bad. 394 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:34,639 Oh, here, a naked woman. That's got ma temperature soarin'. 395 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:38,800 I'm roastin', I think I'll have to take my jacket off. 396 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:44,400 Niagra Falls! Come to me with that pot! 397 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,880 Sweet sherry, please, Bobby. 398 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:48,920 Oh, and boys... 399 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:52,200 ALL: Oh! 400 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:57,000 Thanking you.