- Aye, Toronto. - Aye, Toronto.
Jeez-o.
- Oh, my God. - What is it, honey?
It's my dad.
Oh, my God, look at him. He's got so old.
- Ah-ha-ha! - Ha-ha!
Dad! How are you?
Oh, you old bugger, you had me going.
Look at youse two. Tony boy.
Well, listen. I hope you don't mind, I've brought Victor with me.
Oh, Dad! That's a bit much.
I wish you'd mentioned to me.
Oh...Jesus!
Just kiddin'.
Aye, I just about shat myself there.
- This is the bollocks, in't it? - Aye.
It's like Hollywood.
I'm no going hame.
Size of that bloody telly... Oh, there's the boys.
- There you go, Grandad. - Thank you, Jack. - Here you go, Mr McDade. - Call me Victor.
Tennents! Nice touch. Where did your father get these?
There's a great shop in the mall. Wanted to make you feel at home.
That's smashing, Tony. Your health.
Yous are big lads now, right enough, eh? Size of them.
- Do youse drink beer, do you? - No. - No.
Want to try some? Take a wee sip.
Fiona! There's the boys drinking beer!
Right, youse two. Wire in. You'll be starvin'.
It's pastrami sandwiches there, coleslaw, dills and chips.
Very American. I've always wanted to say,
"Give me a pastrami on rye... and hold the, um..."
- "hold the..." That stuff that looks like salad cream. - Mayo. - "..mayo."
- Lovely. - Cannae believe you're here, Dad. It's so good to see you.
Good to see you too, darlin'.
- First things first, you'll be wanting a wee sleep. - Oh, no, no, no, no.
- I'm high on adrenaline. I'm that happy to be here. Victor? - Och, I'll no sleep.
Well, it's up to you. I've made a list of things you might want to see.
Oh, aye.
- There you go. - You know, the CN Tower, Niagara Falls, the touristy stuff an' that.
Aye, that sounds smashing. Eh, Victor?
LOUD SNORING
I'll go and get his bed ready.
- Darlin', would it be all right if I used your phone? It's just I promised them we'd phone. - Who?
- The Clansman. - A pub?! You're phoning a pub to let them know you've arrived safely!
- Aye, is that daft, is it? - No if you don't think it is.
Dial 00 44 141, then the number.
Och, I'll do it.
What's the number?
- 496 0009. - ..There you are.
Right, ta. Oh, that's it ringing.
PHONE RINGS
- Clansman. - Hello, Bobby. It's Jack here.
- Jack? - Just calling to say we've arrived safe. That's us landed safe.
Oh, hallelujah, you're safe(!) I mean, when was it you left, yesterday?
You've landed noo and you're safe(!)
Oh, well, thank God, we were worried sick(!) Everyone, it's Jack and Victor, they're safe!
- You bastard, put Winston on. - Winston!
It's Jack. They're safe(!)
- Gie me that phone, ya dick. - Give Victor a big kiss for me, Jack.
God speed, Jack. God speed.
Jack. Jack, you're safe!
- Don't you bloody start. - I'm not. How's your family?
They're fine and dandy. ..Winston.
- What time is it there? - I dunno. Back o' ten.
- At night? - Aye.
- It's only the back of five here. - Is it? - Aye. That means when you go to bed I'll still have the whole night.
- Aye. - See first thing in the morning, I'll be getting up... - Aye, aye, Jack, the world's round. What is it?
- Have you a pen there? - Aye. Isa!
- Have you got a pen? - 'Right, OK.'
- This is where we're gonna be, so write this doon in case. - In case of what? In case your granda dies?
- No, I dunno. In case the house burns down or whatever. - Aye, OK.
Right, go.
It'll be 001, right? And then it's...555
572 7224.
- Did you hear that? - Aye. - Right, OK, the address -
1009,
1009, uh-huh.
1009, Jack.
- SNORING - Jack?
INDIAN MUSIC
Have a good swatch. You're just gutted cos I've got all the moves.
Aye, just cos you cannae dance, you fat cow.
- Morning, Isa. - Morning, Navid.
- Oh, look at your hair, all fancy. - Aye, a wee shampoo and set oot o' Claire's this morning.
Classy. I wonder who this new look could be for, huh?
It is surely not for me, because sadly I am taken already with Naomi Campbell over there.
- Winston? - No. - Oh, gie us all peace, Isa.
You've been wittering on aboot him all week making that moon face.
- Oh, Winston. - I've not, have I? - Aye, you have.
- So are you two an item now? - No. ..Och, I don't know.
We have a right laugh together. And he loves his grub.
He's coming round to my place for his dinner the night.
No. Me and Winston? Naw!
- Ah, but maybe. - Well... Oh, jeez, here he's coming in the shop. Don't say a word about... - Of course not.
- Hello, Navid. - So I hear you and Isa are pumpin', eh?
- What? - Aw, you mad shagger, Isa told me. - Indeed I did not.
- I never said that, Vincent. - Does that make you feel proud, Navid?
Using that sort of language in front of an employee, hmm?
- Naw, sorry. - Prick.
- Aye, he's a prick. - Gie's my paper.
- I was thinking seven for dinner the night. - Oh, no, not the night. I'm playing dominoes with Eric and Tam.
Oh, and I've got a lovely big steak pie, you know? Oot o' Finlay's.
Finlay's? With the sausages through it?
- And the well-fired crust? - Oh, you should see it. - Aye, I will see it. I'm blowing Eric and Tam oot.
Oh, and you'd dae that for me?
- I'm no daein' it for you, I'm daein' it for the pie. - He-he-he!
He's daein' it for the pie. He-he! The pie!
- Dad? - Oh, I'm sorry, Fiona, have I woke you up?
No. Can you no sleep?
No, I got up about ten minutes ago...
bright as a button. Where do you keep your bloody tea?
- I'll get it. - I'll get it, here. Away you back to your bed.
Oh, no.
We'll have a wee gab. Catch up.
- It's good you've brung Victor with you. - Aye, aye.
He's a good pal to me.
- Is anything the matter? - No, no. I was just thinking...
- I cannae believe the boys. The bloody size of them. - I know. Steven starts high school next year.
- Aye, you done the right thing, moving out here. It's a rare place to bring weans up. - It's home noo.
# It's Canada day, up Canada way! # Morning! Where's the cornflakes?
Away back to your bed, you half-wit! It's three o'clock in the morning.
Come on. Come on.
ALL CHEER
Oh.
- What do we owe you for the tickets, boy? - Nothing. I get them through the company. - For nothing? - Aye.
Good, in't it? Smashing atmosphere.
Lovely and safe. Good family outing.
- Have you got ice hockey in Scotland, grandad? - Eh? Oh, aye, we have, Jack,
but, aye, naebody bothers with it. It's football over where we come fae, isn't that right?
We used to go to the fitba'.
We used to take a big carry-out - 12 bottles of beer.
A wee quarter-bottle each.
Course they didnae have seats then - you had to stand. Now and again there'd be a dodgy decision,
and then a sea of beer bottles would come over your head like that.
You could hear them whistling by your ears and you'd be praying somebody wasnae pissing up the back.
Mind this one time after a match. Oh, there was a running battle with folk all stabbing each other.
And we cut up this wee backstreet together, and just as we turned this corner,
this big fat bastard policeman hits me with his baton.
- Pow! You want to have seen the blood. - Oh, what a laugh it was.
- Ya beauty! - Ya bastardin' dumplin'!
- Jack, Victor, please. - Sorry, lads. - It's OK, Grandad.
- It's all right. - We should have had a wee punt on this game.
- Aye. - Tony, we should have had a bet on the game there. - You can't bet on the games. - Cannae put a line on? - No.
- That's a bit poor, is it no? - Aye, it's all very tame, in't it? - Aye.
- It's all about big business, you know? It's aimed at the families. - All the excitement's took oot it.
I mean, that boy's all padded.
- So, you and Isa going oot? - Eh?
- Naw. - Well, you're seein' a hell of a lot of her.
- Aye, well, so would you. - Oh, just sex, then. - No.
- Grub. - Grub! - Ooh, aye.
Best o' gear too, every time. The other night we had steak pie.
- Right. - Oot o' Finlay's.
- With the sausages through it? - Aye, the very same.
- I gonnae have to knock it on the head. - How do you mean? - Well, all this grub comes at a price, Eric.
- I'm no with you. - Well, it's Isa, in't it? You have to put up with her chat all the time.
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
Oh, aye, and...yak, yak, yak, yak.
What's that other thing she does?
That's it, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
You see my dilemma, Eric. I'm a big fat greedy bastard.
- What if you had an emergency? - Keep talking.
Whenever you finish your grub, I phone you.
That would mean I'd have to have her up to mine, but that's no problem.
And I say, "I'm locked oot... and it's an emergency."
Eric, that's perfect. Right, 9.30. Call me at 9.30 - no later.
- I'll meet you in the Clansman for a pint. - On you? - On me? That's a given.
Right you, Wendy's Wonder, three quid on the nose.
What's that?
- What's what? - This.
- Sucking in through the teeth. - Fell at her last outing - no really living up to her early promise.
- Right, I'm away, OK? 9.30. - On the button, mind. - Aye.
- On the button. - Aye, OK. - What happens at 9.30? - Winston has asked me to phone him at 9.30 because... - Eric!
Why are you telling Stevie anything?
Stevie does not need to know a thing. Stevie is a bookie...
and that is all he is.
He does not need to know what happens tonight. Now you, 9.30.
You, Wendy's Wonder. Run along, Stevie boy. Trot on.
Wendy's Wonder. Third.
Second.
Pulled up. ..Fell.
Who are you, Stevie? John McCririck, eh?
Wendy's Wonder. Next race. Three quid.
On the nose. Ya tit.
- I thought I'd catch you in here. You wee monkey, gambling, eh? - Isa, you gave me a fright.
- What about mince and tatties th' night? - Smashing. Listen.
Here, I was going to say, why don't you come up to my house tonight?
See, I'm always o'er at yours watching your telly. A wee change of venue, eh?
- Oh, aye, that's smashing. It's a date. - Right.
Oh, Victor, are you still dealing with the jetlag?
Aye. Oh, it's a bugger.
- Did you enjoy the hockey match? - Oh, aye, it was smashing, aye.
Your da enjoyed himself an' all.
- What's Craiglang like noo? - Pardon my French, darlin', but... it's a shitehole. - Oh, is it?
Aye. It's no the place you remember.
Do you mind your maw used to take you to Mrs McCann's shop?
Aye. I'd sit on the counter and she'd give me a toffee apple.
Aye. That's all shutters noo.
Oh.
- Is that wee lane still there - gets you to the park? - Roseford Lane? - Aye.
Aye, that's a shooting-up gallery for the junkies now. You need a gun to go up that lane.
What do you think my would say if we asked him to come and live with us?
Eh, I don't know.
You gonnae ask him?
We're thinking aboot it. Do you think you could sound him out?
I don't think that's ma place, darlin'.
- But you're his best friend. - Aye, and you're his daughter.
You're talking about a family thing.
CHUCKLING
- Are you up an' all? - Hello, Dad. - Hi, doll.
Right, I'm off to my bed to stare at the ceiling.
Good night!
Or morning or middle or whatever.
- Oh, he's left tea there. - Me and Tony want you to stay, Dad.
Oh.
The summers are long, you could see the kids all the time, there's a lovely wee pub you'd love.
Tony thinks the world of you.
I knew that was coming.
Aye, you're right. It would be fantastic but...
- It's no for me. - Why?
Well...right...
See, years ago, before you were born...
me and your mother were going to emigrate to Canada. We'd signed all the papers - we were going.
- So what happened? - We couldnae dae it.
Our bottles crashed. Bottom line was we werenae the type.
Thousands went. Pals o' mine.
Family an' that.
But we didnae.
And then you were born.
And you grew up and you came.
Noo look at you.
I'm that bloody chuffed for you, so I am.
Ach, there's a time o' your life when you make those kind of decisions, you know?
My time for that's past.
Come oot here...I couldnae come oot here without your mother.
To start again? I'm no at the start.
Anyway, I've got to go hame.
I've still got eight pound left on my power card.
Noo, Sandy O'Brien's wife. I...
Now...Sandy O'Brien's wife. What of her?
PHONE RINGS
Who could that be? At this time! I wanted to hear that too.
I wanted a right good gab. Tch!
Hello! Who is this? ..Eric.
..At THIS time?
An emergency, you say?
Locked out.
How can I help? Yes, that's true, I did train as a locksmith but...
I never followed it through and ended up taking another career path.
I'll be right over.
Is that Eric? Is he all right?
No, he's locked oot. He needs my help. Let yourself oot.
You don't want me to wait here?
No, no. Locks take an awful long time.
- You better go to him. - See you after.
Yes.
Here, see when the waitress comes back...I'm going to slap her arse like they do in the movies.
Aye, that's what to do...
and me, my daughter, and my grandweans can watch her rip your arm off and batter your melt in.
Aye, right enough. She looks handy.
- What are you getting, boys? - A Gutbuster. - Each.
To share.
That looks big enough, aye. What's that you're having, darlin'?
- A Danish and a coffee. - Aye, you see, just like your mother, darlin', appetite of a sparrow.
What are you on?
Eight rashers of Canadian bacon, six sausages, eggs, hash browns,
round of toast, and a side of pancakes. THIS is the Lumberjack's Snack.
Eight rashers of bacon! That's a full packet. All you'll be fit for after that's your bed, eh?
- Nonsense. This'll set me up for the day. What you getting? - Eggs.
- Can you get just eggs? - Aye, you can. I didnae want anything else.
That'll be your eggs, then.
- There's a chicken firing eggs out its arse like a Tommy gun. - Dad!
I'll never eat all that.
LOUD BURP
Sorry. You wouldnae think you could eat nine eggs, would you?
- And half my bloody bacon. - Aye, sorry about that.
Look at this queue. What is it we're going up here for again?
- LIFT PINGS - Good point, Jack(!)
I've no idea why we're going up the world's tallest freestanding building(!)
Tallest freestanding building...
- I don't think I need to bother, I've done all the big heights. - When have you done the heights?
Eh...
- Well... - Come on. - The Rid Road flats.
Are you afraid to go up, Grandad?
Me? To go up there?! Oh, no, no, no. I'm quite happy to go up.
LIFT PINGS
Jack.
Hello and welcome to the CN Tower.
The world's tallest building and a wonder of the modern world.
We're riding in one of our six high-speed elevators which will be going up at 15mph or 22kmph.
Do you hear that, Jack? 22kmph we're travelling at.
- That's faster than the lift at Osprey Heights, eh? - Aye.
Are you all right, Dad?
LIFT PINGS
- Dad, what you doing? Come and look! - I can see all right fae here, aye.
Jack, they've got a glass floor. You can see all the way doon.
- Come on, Grandad. - Come on! - Come on, Grandad! - I'm fine here. I can see fine. Just leave me, I'm fine.
- Grandad's scared. - Grandad's scared. - That's just silliness now.
Jack, watch this!
- Scaredy cat! - Scaredy cat!
RETCHING
Calm, doon, it'll wash off. It's only a bit of sick, for God's sake.
Shite. Bobby!
- What? - Have you got another phone back there I can use? - Oh, aye.
I've got these wee Samsung P500. Oh...!
I nearly forgot. That's ma phone.
You use the punter phone.
- Come on, Bobby, it's urgent. - Who are phoning? - Winston.
Nah.
- I've got to phone him! - What's so urgent? - Isa's cooking him his dinner all the time noo.
Once he's eaten, he doesnae want to sit and listen to her shite,
- so I phone at 9.30 and say there's an emergency. - What's the number?
And she says to me, "I've been using caramel shortcake for years
"for socks and shawls and the like.
"And that there in your haund is a ball of caramel shortcake." Well, I turned it round.
There it was. Bold as you like - caramel shortcake. I don't mind telling you, I was mortified.
And then SHE sa... PHONE RINGS
Hello, Eric... Huh-hmm. ..Hello.
Hello, Winston. Enjoy your dinner?
- Hello, Eric. - 'It's no Eric.'
- 'It's Bobby.' - Yes, Eric.
- Put Isa on. - No.
I want to tell her how you cannae be daein' sitting aboot listen to all her... What was it, Eric?
- Shite. - Who smashed your windae?
I'm aboot to smash your wee windae. That poor woman cooking your dinner!
- I'll be right over. - Aye, to buy me a brandy. - Rightie-o, Eric.
Bye-bye!
- It's been great, innit? - Oh, aye.
I never thought I'd get to this age and still be seeing new places.
Aye, we're no done yet. We've still got Niagara Falls to see.
That's what you want to dae? Go hame?
Aye, she knows that noo. I've telt her, aye.
I'll no see Canada again.
- Well, she can visit you. - Aye, aye, I suppose so.
- Hi, guys. Great place, isn't it? - Oh, it's absolutely stunning, aye.
- Course we've got the real thing back home, haven't we? - The real thing? - Aye, a big place called Firhill.
- It's about twice the size of this place. - Really, wow. - Aye,
jam-packed every week it is. Smashing. See you now.
Away you go, you couple of lying old bastards.
I was brought up in Maryhill.
Anyway I'm seeing her at the bingo on Saturday after, Wins. We'll soon see if her nose is outta joint.
- Why are you looking at the clock? - I'm no.
No. Do you mind wee Kelly-Ann Reid?
Well, they don't want her taking up with this boy and they've told him not tae phone, but he keeps phoning.
Alison doesn't want a big rumpus, so she'd nae option but to pull the plug oot the phone,
and that way the phone couldnae ring.
- And I thought, "That's a smashing idea." - What did you dae that for?
To stop Eric phoning here with some emergency.
- What you on about? - I'm up here every night cooking your dinner, washing your plates, gein' you your tea,
- and at exactly half-past nine that phone rings... - No, it doesnae.
- ..and you're out that door, so you don't have to sit and listen to ma pish. - No, I werenae.
Right, it's 9.35. What do you think's gonna happen when I plug that in?
..Nothin'.
PHONE RINGS
Pick it up!
Uh!
- Hello. - It's me, Eric.
Five bloody times I've tried to phone you and it just kept ringing oot.
- Right. - Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I've been mugged or whatever.
See you in the Clansman in five minutes.
Oh!
Absolutely staggering.
Aye, this must be my tenth time here.
Never tire of it.
Do you know what wastes it a wee bit, though? All they tacky touristy shops o'er there.
- I think it makes it look a wee bit Blackpooly. - Aye.
Look at that numpty o'er there with the daft hat on.
Fiona! Jack! What do you think?
- Nice. - Aye, lovely. Suit you.
Oh, didnae think I'd forget my old pal, did you?
That's smashing. Thanks very much.
- Right, who's for the Maid Of The Mist? - Me! - Me!
Naw, naw. We'll hang aboot here. Away you go and enjoy yourselves.
OK. Come on, you two.
Are you sure you don't want to stay, Dad?
Aye, I'm sure.
I've often wondered what it would've been like if me and yer maw had come oot here to stay.
Oh, that reminds me...
Mum's ring!
No, Dad, you keep it.
No, I brought it oot here for you to keep.
Oop. That was unfortunate.
Get your money in. Come on, Eric. Tackiest gift fae Jack and Victor wins the pot.
- Right, Eric. What did they get you? - They brought me a thermometer...
with a photo of Niagara Falls on it. Really shitty.
Nah.
- I could top that. - The floor's yours.
Rocky Mountain desert wine.
That's no tacky. That's no bad.
Gather round, gents. A shot glass emblazoned with the legend Canada.
- Aye, so what? Canada, big deal. - Ah, don't be so hasty.
Watch what happens when I place some booze into the glass.
There you go - a naked lady.
- That's very good. - That's no bad.
Oh, here, a naked woman. That's got ma temperature soarin'.
I'm roastin', I think I'll have to take my jacket off.
Niagra Falls! Come to me with that pot!
Sweet sherry, please, Bobby.
Oh, and boys...
ALL: Oh!
Thanking you.