1 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,800 THEY SNORE SOFTLY 2 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:47,880 (Oh, Jesus...) 3 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:49,600 Victor... 4 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,280 Victor! 5 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:54,960 - What's that? - Need to stop daein' that. - What? 6 00:00:54,960 --> 00:01:00,680 - Leaving that fire on in the middle of the afternoon. - The fire on...? Oh, ye sleekit bastard - 7 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:05,720 waited till I fell asleep, then you slipped on the full three bars. 8 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,120 Get the kettle on. I'm parched. 9 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,440 Aw, Jack... 10 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,880 it's a bad routine we're in. 11 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,600 Sleeping in the middle of the day. 12 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,839 It's nae use. 13 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,160 We should be up - up and aboot. 14 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,800 - JACK! - Aaagh! 15 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,320 What you tryin' to dae? Gimme a bloody heart attack? 16 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,839 Get that bloody fire aff... sitting here stupefied. 17 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,160 I was away on one, there - 18 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:56,39 dreaming. Wee Wullie Sampson's bike - mind that red bike? 19 00:01:56,40 --> 00:01:59,880 Giving me a hudgie on it, flying down Mayfield Street... 20 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,199 There was a bread van at the bottom of the hill, 21 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:09,240 yous ended up in the back of it, the man gave you cakes, but your maw accused you of stealing them. 22 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,600 - Telt you that before? - No, I guessed it(!) Yes! 23 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,959 Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you. 24 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:20,280 - Aye, well, I've heard all your stories. - That's charming. 25 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:24,640 - I've heard all your bloody stories too. - Aye, right! 26 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:28,160 Aye, right. Tell me one I haven't heard, then. Go on! 27 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:29,840 Fine. 28 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,600 Ah! 29 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:42,680 - Mind o' that tea room at the Cross? - Uh-huh. - Lassie worked there - Denise Kirkwood. - That's right. 30 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,360 - Well... - Well, you fancied her, so you asked her oot. 31 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:52,240 Yous went to the pictures. If my memory serves, it was African Queen that was playing. 32 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,600 And your bottle went cos she grabbed your nuts. 33 00:02:55,600 --> 00:03:01,400 - I never telt you that. Where'd you hear that? - Winston telt me about a hundred year ago! 34 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,720 - That's no' the same! - The same as what? 35 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,480 You hearing a story that I didnae... 36 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,920 Ach! 37 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:15,320 - We're doon a hole right enough, aren't we? - We're oot o' patter. 38 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:19,480 - Heard it a', seen it a'. - The balloon is burst. 39 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:23,440 Why don't you put the fire on for a wee while, eh? 40 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,720 Stick it on for half an hour. 41 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:34,240 - Hello...Winifred. - Hello, Bawbag. Pint of lager. 42 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,600 - Hello, lads. - Hi. 43 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:44,640 - What's going on here? - Don't ask. Last night's the quietest night I've had in eight year. 44 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:48,239 - Is that right? How's that? - Cos of yous. - Eh? 45 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,960 Imagine for a minute you're a young couple. 46 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,560 You're oot takin' in the night air. 47 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:59,160 And she says, "You know whit, Tugsy Wugsy? I'm thirsty." 48 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,720 And he says, "So am I, Fluffy Bum. 49 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,520 "Why don't we pop into this nice hostelry right here?" 50 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:10,240 So, they skip up the stair, open the door, 51 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,880 only to be confronted with... the living dead, 52 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:19,440 in the form of yous old decrepit bastards. So they turn aboot and piss aff! 53 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:24,360 - I'll tell you why you're quiet in here. - Why? - You're a wanker. - I'm no'. 54 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,400 Aye, you are. ..Eric? 55 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:30,840 - You are a bit of a wanker, Boaby. - MOUTHS: Wanker. 56 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,880 And I'll tell you for why 57 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:38,800 - all your customers are going elsewhere. Grady's. - Oh, Grady's! 58 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:44,920 It's smashing there. The big roaring fire, nice cold Guinness - it's smashing. So I'm hearing... 59 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,720 You've been in the Irish theme pub? 60 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,720 Just for fags...and a lime cordial. 61 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:55,520 So I'm a wanker cos all my customers are drinking in an Irish theme pub? 62 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,000 Aye. 63 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:02,000 - How does that work? - Cos you've done nothing to deserve customers, Boaby. 64 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,840 Your theme in here is the theme of shite. 65 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:11,400 Welcome to The Clansman - enjoy the shite atmosphere, the shite patter, the shite pint. 66 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:15,39 If you need to use the facilities, have a shite piss! 67 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,880 Routine - that's your killer. 68 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,520 Breakfast, lunch, Clansman, 69 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,799 hoose, tea, bed. 70 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,800 - If you want to live on the wild side... - Bookies! 71 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,880 - Shite, isn't it? - Aye, it's shite. 72 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,680 A Mexican night - that would pull the customers in. 73 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:43,880 - A Mexican night?! What do you do on a Mexican night? - You could get they hats they wear...they... 74 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,520 - Sombreros. - Aye. 75 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:50,919 That thing they hang up that's full of the... They batter it with sticks. 76 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:56,000 - A Pinata. - Mind you, they drink that wormy drink - tequila. 77 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:01,280 That's a misconception, Boaby - you don't get a worm in tequila. 78 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:06,640 You're more likely to get that in mescal - a drink made from cactuses. That's not all the Mexicans drink. 79 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:12,000 For cocktails, you could have margaritas or caipirinhas. 80 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,840 - You know an awful lot aboot drink. - Aye. See us a Thunderbird. - No. 81 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,599 This Mexican night sounds like a lot of bother. 82 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,40 Have a gay night and invite all your pals. 83 00:06:25,40 --> 00:06:28,960 - Shut up! - Boaby, you know what's rare? A quiz night. 84 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,39 We go to one on Thursday night at The Swan. It's smashing. 85 00:06:33,40 --> 00:06:38,400 Course I've never won, cos I've aye got this stupid wee bastard on my team! 86 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,120 A quiz night - now you're talking. 87 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,840 What do you need - questions, microphone, wee speaker? 88 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,880 I've got a quiz book doonstairs. 89 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,159 Languages - Italian, 90 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,80 Chinese, Cantonese, Mandarin... 91 00:06:53,80 --> 00:06:58,960 No, no - Italian, the language of love. We'll learn Italian and get ourselves a couple of Italian birds. 92 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,640 Aye, cos Craiglang's full of them(!) 93 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,919 Right, no' languages, then. 94 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,160 Oh, archaeology! Do you fancy that, Jack? 95 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:11,840 Cutting aboot, digging things up like him with the whip and the hat. 96 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,560 - Aye, Zorro! - Naw! 97 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,000 - Right, no' archaeology, then. Economics? - No. 98 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:22,240 - Engineering? - No. - Law? - How long does it take to become a lawyer? 99 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,240 Five year. 100 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,160 - No, I'll be dead by then. - Aye. 101 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:33,880 - Wine-making? - No, I've never liked wine. - Me neither. Basket-weaving? 102 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,000 Naw, that's for dafties. 103 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:40,240 - Oh! Medical proficiency. - Hmm... what would that involve? 104 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,480 Well, you become...proficient... in the... 105 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,000 medical things in life. 106 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:51,760 - That might come in handy. - Aye, one of us takes a tumble, the other one knows what to do. 107 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,840 Aye, if you crack your heid, 108 00:07:53,840 --> 00:08:00,239 - or scald yourself making a cup of tea... - Yes. - Or receive a terrible cut from a tin of red salmon. 109 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,800 Or indeed any tin - soup, corned beef... 110 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,800 - sweetcorn niblets... - That's plenty, Jack. 111 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:12,880 - Two for medical proficiency, hen. - Good for you. That's a popular one. 112 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,200 - That class starts tomorrow night. - In here? 113 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,560 - No, in the west quadrangle. - What happens through there? 114 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:24,240 This is the union - you can get a pint in the bar for 75p, 115 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:29,280 snooker on the top floor, reading room on the second, canteen on the third and an amusement arcade. 116 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:33,520 Whoa, whoa - back up a bit, sweetheart. How much is a pint? 117 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:37,480 Right, Wullie, grab the mike and give us a question. 118 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,840 A-hem. 119 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:47,760 What did Mary...Curry discover? 120 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,520 - Marie Curie! - Radium! 121 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,560 Let's just see, shall we? 122 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,439 "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." 123 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,360 - That's no' right... - Thanks, Wullie. We'll let you know. 124 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,560 Look, I can dae better. 125 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,680 Thanks, Wullie. 126 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:14,199 Och, I was a wee bit nervous. 127 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,920 I know! 128 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,800 Cheers. 129 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:27,400 - Right, Mark, where did you do your quizmaster before? - The Ginnel. 130 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,840 - Tough shop, The Ginnel. - No' when I'm on. - Right, grab the mike... 131 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,160 fire us a question. 132 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,960 I'm Mark, your quizmaster. 133 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:42,960 Question 1 - who was the second man on the moon? 134 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,880 - Who was the second man on the moon? - I know that. 135 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:48,000 Right, go. 136 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,520 I know it... It's a funny name. Oh, I know that! 137 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,800 - Oot o' time! - Buzz Aldrin! 138 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:58,800 - OOT O' TIME! - But I said Buzz Aldrin. It's right, isn't it? 139 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,560 Aye, that's right - Buzz Aldrin. 140 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:08,839 But I'm no' givin' you it cos you were oot o' time! Nae points, 141 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,880 PRICK! 142 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,359 Question 2... 143 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,80 That's smashing, Mark. We've got your number. 144 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,800 What a psycho, eh? 145 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:37,319 What the hell's the matter with you? 146 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:41,920 - Hello, lads, what yous for? - Two lager. - What's going on? 147 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,439 - Boaby's auditioning for a quizmaster for a quiz night. - Ah. 148 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:50,560 We won't have a quiz night unless I can find somebody to read the questions. 149 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:54,400 - Six people I've seen - all arseholes. - Is that it? 150 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,640 - One more, Margo. - Margo? 151 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:01,760 - Six of the belt from Margo. - Can I have that question again, Margo? 152 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,520 How are you no' doin' it, Boaby? 153 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,40 Oh, I forgot - you cannae read. 154 00:11:07,40 --> 00:11:11,400 - I'll be pulling pints. - That sounds rare - a wee quiz, eh, Victor? 155 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,360 Aye, we'll walk that, Jack. A couple of guys like us. 156 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:20,160 A couple of learned gentlemen like our good selves are. 157 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:25,40 - What? - Jack and me are going back to school. - It's "Jack and I." 158 00:11:25,40 --> 00:11:27,920 No, it's me and Victor. 159 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,839 Up yours. You cannot take the wind from our sails. 160 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:37,240 - Very soon, me and my colleague will be proficient in all matters medical. - First aid course? 161 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,480 Aye... 162 00:11:41,80 --> 00:11:42,880 Hello! 163 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:46,960 I came about the quiz...? ALL: MARGO! 164 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,160 Aye, that's right, aye... 165 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:56,000 Hello, I'm Kenneth Jordan. Kenny will do. 166 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:02,120 For the next three weeks, I'll be teaching you medical proficiency or "first aid." 167 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:06,720 In this short time you will leave here confident, competent 168 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,720 and able to handle what until now may have been a tricky situation. 169 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:15,600 People have injuries and accidents all the time in many places, 170 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:21,360 and should an accident happen in your presence, you can provide vital support before help arrives. 171 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:26,480 Now, then - first of all - do we all have pens, notepads, erasers? 172 00:12:28,80 --> 00:12:30,880 Good. Now... 173 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,160 if you don't know that this is the head, 174 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,000 arms, legs... 175 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,240 well, you might as well leave now. 176 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,600 - Very good! - Good, aye. 177 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:48,240 But can anyone, for instance, tell me where the tibia is? 178 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,960 Bzz! Jarvis, Craiglang - leg. 179 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,680 Thank you, Jarvis, Craiglang. Leg. OK. 180 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,719 What do we call this airway here? 181 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,240 Yeah... Trachea. Trachea! 182 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:05,680 - Thank you. - This is smashing. - Yeah, I feel smarter already. 183 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:08,319 And what are these? 184 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,400 - Livers. - No, kidneys. 185 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:15,40 - Oh-ho! - Dear, oh, dear. - Livers? Quite poor. 186 00:13:21,40 --> 00:13:23,560 - Jack? - Oh, Winston... 187 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,359 - Uh! - Jesus, Jack... 188 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,280 Nobody move - help has arrived! 189 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:36,320 First, make sure the patient is comfortable by placing him in the recovery position. 190 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,480 How do you feel now, Jack? 191 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,360 Smashing! 192 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:49,80 Oh, aye...first aid thing. Couple of tits! 193 00:13:49,80 --> 00:13:53,280 - The lovely Margo! - Hello, lads! Hello, Boaby. 194 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,640 - Did you get the quiz book? - Aye, I had to hunt everywhere for it. 195 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,640 - What would the quiz book be called? - It's called... - Uh-uh! 196 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,960 - As soon as you tell them, it's the end. - They'll get the same one. 197 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:13,240 Exactly, Margo - you're dealing with sleekit bastards. 198 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:19,520 - I'm going to go and put this somewhere very safe. - Are we getting three pints or no'? 199 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:23,880 - Want me to get them, Boaby? - Could you? - Nae bother. 200 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,760 Victor, come here and see this. 201 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:37,319 They've taken a hand, stripped all the skin back to reveal all the veins and that. Fantastic. 202 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:41,840 Is that right, aye? I've seen something better than that. 203 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,200 - What? - A pickled boaby. 204 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,360 A pickled boaby? 205 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:53,760 - Oh...that's a belter, isn't it? - It's disgusting, eh? 206 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:58,880 But if you had a big boaby like that, you'd want to put it on display. 207 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,80 I'll tell you what's happened there. 208 00:15:01,80 --> 00:15:04,280 That fella's died and the undertaker's clocked that, 209 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:10,319 picked up the phone and said, "Is that the museum? I've got a smashing big boaby in if you're interested." 210 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:16,320 - "Good-oh. I'll be down with my saw to hack it aff and stick it in a jar. Cheerie-bye." - Cheerie-bye. 211 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,320 Come on, we'd better get moving. 212 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:25,319 - Hello, there. - Hello. - Hello. - Are you not going the wrong way? 213 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:29,960 - We're going to the pub. - You've got a class. - What about? - Dressings. 214 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:34,160 - Ach! - Bandages! I know how to put a bandage on. Do you, Jack? 215 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,800 Aye...plaster...boof! 216 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,240 Come on. Come with us for a drink. 217 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:44,680 - No, you're all right. We're going to the class. - Squares. - Chill out, man! 218 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,160 - See you. - Aye, see you. 219 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:55,199 - Should we be going to that class? - Pish! Couple of jars then we hit the library. - I can dig that. Aye. 220 00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:02,439 I mean, you don't want to get to our age and go, "Christ, I should have let my hair doon." 221 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,720 If I was your age, son... 222 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:08,720 I'd be out shagging everything that moves. 223 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,520 That's right. Shag everything that moves. 224 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:16,000 Get us a couple of pints, for your old pals, eh? 225 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,840 That's the boy. 226 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,200 - Dumb. - Brainless. 227 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:28,360 - Here, Jack, we'd better watch our time. - I'm starving. I don't want to go to the library. - Och! 228 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,360 Bloody library. Daft books. 229 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,480 Reading?! 230 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,920 We'd better curtail our bevvy, mind you, cos we've got a class tomorrow. 231 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:42,40 - We'll have these two pints just to be sociable and... - Aye. 232 00:16:42,40 --> 00:16:44,360 - ..that'll be that. - Aye. 233 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,960 Just to be sociable...then hame. 234 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,400 - Go on! - Come on! Come on! 235 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,760 - Keep going. - Get it down you. 236 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:59,240 That's a lot of pens. You planning on doing a lot of writing? 237 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,520 Diary? Memoirs, perhaps? 238 00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:08,959 - They're for the quiz in The Clansman. - Oh, the quiz. 239 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,240 I'll be there - front and centre. 240 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,800 - See you there. - Aye, with bells on. 241 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,599 - Nice girl. - She's working in The Clansman with Boaby. Margo. 242 00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:24,879 - I may be talking too soon, but there might be a wee romance. - Wi' Boaby? 243 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,280 He couldnae get his hole in a barrel of fannies. 244 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:33,920 - So you're going to the quiz? - Aye, I watch all the quizzes, especially The Weakest Link. 245 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:41,360 But I think Anne Robinson's been going over the top. Too much of the insults. 246 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:46,879 I think it's the fault of this prick Simon Cowell from Pop Idol slagging everybody. 247 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:52,720 She's under pressure to up the stakes. There was this nice guy on - quiet, you know. 248 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:57,520 He was a constable. Know what she called him? PC Plod. 249 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,720 PC Plod?! That's too much. 250 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,880 There's nae need. It gets on my tits. 251 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:07,200 For months I've been phoning to get on that show. Put her gas at a peep. 252 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,840 If I got a question about numbers, she might say to me, 253 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,399 "I hope you don't count your till receipts that way." 254 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:20,360 Then the ball would be up on the slates. I'd say to her, "Who are you talking to, you ginger bitch! 255 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:25,80 "I've been in the business 25 years. I'm up at 6.30 every morning! 256 00:18:25,80 --> 00:18:28,360 "What time do you get up, you lazy cow? 257 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:33,560 "No, you're out of your depth here, you botox-faced bastard!" 258 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:38,320 I think you should lay off that Weakest Link for a while, Navid. 259 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,880 - That was some mental night last night. - Aye. 260 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:53,000 Got a wee bit oot o' hand, but. I mean, drinking one another's sick! 261 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,880 That was our cue to leave when the boy stuck a pen up his boaby 262 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:01,320 - and wrote his name on the beer mat. - Jesus! 263 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,439 Right, Jack boy - black ball, corner pocket for the game. 264 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:09,520 - Well, hurry up, we've got a class in five minutes. - What is it? 265 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:13,40 - Och, scaldings and burns and that. - Burns? 266 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,000 Just slap a wee bit of cream on it, don't you? 267 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,280 Aye. Rack them up. 268 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,879 MUSIC: "Alright" by Supergrass 269 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,200 Wahey! 270 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,280 # We are young, we run green 271 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,320 # Keep our teeth nice and clean 272 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:35,240 # See our friends, see the sights 273 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,240 # Feel alright 274 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,200 - # We wake up, we go out... # - Jack! 275 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,320 A tinny. 276 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:48,280 # See our friends See the sights 277 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,680 # Feel alright 278 00:19:53,80 --> 00:19:58,40 # Are we like you? I can't be sure... # 279 00:19:58,40 --> 00:20:01,840 ANNE ROBINSON: Why bother when you can sing like that? 280 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,520 You've got to have something to fall back on. 281 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:08,40 # ..But we are young, we get by 282 00:20:08,40 --> 00:20:11,240 # Can't go mad, ain't got time 283 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:16,600 # Sleep around if we like But we're all right 284 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,320 # Got some cash, bought some wheels 285 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,919 # Took it out, across some fields 286 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:27,520 # Lost control, hit a wall 287 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,920 # But we're alright... # 288 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:37,560 - You know, I'm quite nervous about hosting this quiz. - Eh? 289 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:42,360 Och, nonsense. What have YOU got to be nervous about, eh? 290 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,240 - You'll be great. - You think? 291 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,760 Aye. Absolutely. 292 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,720 Listen... 293 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,800 See once we shut this place up...? 294 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,280 Aye? 295 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,000 You don't fancy... 296 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,40 going for a curry, do you? 297 00:21:01,40 --> 00:21:03,320 Aye, I love curry. 298 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,80 Good. 299 00:21:05,80 --> 00:21:07,199 Good. 300 00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,320 I better go get set up, then. 301 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,360 Aye...off you go. 302 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,320 Wait! Wait! Margo... 303 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,000 Shove your quiz up your arse! 304 00:21:38,40 --> 00:21:41,639 Table for one at The Indian Star tonight, Boaby? 305 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,880 - Hello, Margo, darling - how are you? - Piss off! 306 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,80 Oh, charming(!) 307 00:21:49,80 --> 00:21:51,480 Jeez! Two Fs, Jack. 308 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,840 - Two failures! - Aye, mortifying, isn't it? 309 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,600 It's your fault. You led me astray. 310 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:02,480 Aye, I tied you up and forced all that lager doon your neck. 311 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,600 Still, I mean, flunking two piss-easy first aid courses. 312 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,560 Your patient had a sore eye... 313 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:13,159 and you got him done up like Tutankhamen! 314 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,280 Oh, wait a minute. They're gonna have a bloody field day with this. 315 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,399 - Wi' what? - Two Fs! 316 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:24,879 Two As - the both o' you? 317 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:29,960 - Aye, the both of us. - The both of us, yes. - Fantastic. Do you get certificates? - Aye. 318 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,160 They post them out to you. 319 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,440 But...the post office, you know... 320 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,560 - it'll take ages, won't it? Aye. - Right, you two are on my team. 321 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:43,120 - D'you think that arse thing was the right thing to dae? - Naw. 322 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:46,239 Jesus, now I've got nobody for the quiz. 323 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,320 Don't panic, we'll get somebody. 324 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,679 CROAKY VOICE: Pint of Guinness. 325 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,160 Is this thing on? MICROPHONE WHINES 326 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,520 Testing, testing, one, two. 327 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:02,920 Hello everyone and welcome to The Clansman quiz night. 328 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,320 I'm Edith, your hostess with the mostest, 329 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:11,40 and I'm standing in for... Let's just say we had a technical problem. 330 00:23:11,40 --> 00:23:13,960 Aye, it was a technical knockout! 331 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:21,320 Let me introduce you to the teams. We have Navid's Numpties. CHEERING 332 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,840 The Douglas Bader dancers. 333 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,000 We've also got the Royal Infirmaries. 334 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:35,400 That was me that come up with that! On account of them passing their first aid course... 335 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,360 And the Cunning Linguists. 336 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:42,520 - Cunning Linguists? I don't get that. - Nae wonder! 337 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,680 Arthur's Arseholes. Charlie's Angels. 338 00:23:51,40 --> 00:23:55,639 And last but not least, the Lawbank Lovelies. 339 00:23:55,640 --> 00:24:00,120 Who I think are cheating, cos there seem to be four of them, not three! 340 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:10,520 Remember, there's a winning prize of £50 and a hamper generously donated by Navid Grocers. 341 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:17,879 - That's awful good of you, Navid. - (It's all oot o' date shite.) 342 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,960 Right, we're aff. 343 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,480 Round 1, Question 1 - 344 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:26,000 which TV lawyer did Raymond Burr play? 345 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,80 Which TV lawyer did Raymond Burr play? 346 00:24:29,80 --> 00:24:35,199 - Perry Mason! - You're supposed to write the answers doon, you stupid wee dick! - That's lucky. 347 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,240 I'd have put doon Ironside. 348 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:42,720 What is pop diva Madonna's second name? Madonna's surname. 349 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,360 I don't know that. Do you? 350 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:49,439 - No, I'm no' sure I do know. - I don't know. Let's take a guess. 351 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,320 - Uh... Macmillan. Is it Macmillan? - Macmillan? Hauf-wit! 352 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,679 - You said take a guess. - No, I think it is Macmillan, 353 00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,200 - cos they call her "M and M," don't they? - Aye. 354 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,280 Put Macmillan doon. 355 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,000 Round 2 - 356 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:09,240 which Kevin Costner film featured the song... 357 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:13,960 # And I-I-I-I-I-I... 358 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:18,40 # Will always love you-u-u...? # 359 00:25:18,40 --> 00:25:21,280 - That's plenty. - Sorry, I got carried away, there. 360 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,360 - Whitney Houston. - < I love singin'... 361 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:30,679 Robbie Fowler plays for which premiership club? 362 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,560 Final question...of the final round. 363 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,440 Which fruit is an ingredient 364 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,440 in the spirit gin? 365 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,760 - I don't know. I don't drink gin. - Me neither. 366 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,280 Shh. Juniper berries. 367 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,800 GRUNTS 368 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:09,960 Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have a tie for the winning place. 369 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,920 The two teams are neck and neck with 52 points. 370 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,000 So... 371 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,200 We'll have to have a tie-break question. 372 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:25,720 And the tie-break question is between the Lawbank Lovelies 373 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:30,640 - and the Royal Infirmaries. - Yes! Up ye! Up ye! 374 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,200 - Up ye! - Jesus, Jack, that lassie's pregnant! 375 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,600 Right enough. Best o' luck, sweetheart. 376 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,720 And...here is the question. 377 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,320 And it's a medical question. 378 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,960 Yes! Ya dancer! We're in, we're in! 379 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:49,920 When a person is choking on a piece of food, 380 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,280 it is dislodged... 381 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,639 by what manoeuvre? 382 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,840 (Oh...begins with an H...) 383 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,959 - Well? - Um... 384 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:03,120 - Pat on the back? - B-Back pat...manoeuvre. 385 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:07,560 - The pat the back manoeuvre. - Heimlich manoeuvre. - Correct! - Yes! 386 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,960 < And the Lawbank Lovelies are the winners with 53 points! 387 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,520 - Yeah! Woo! - Well done. 388 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,800 - Oh! - Oh, Jesus. 389 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,440 - Boaby, phone an ambulance. This lassie's having her wean. - Right. 390 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:26,840 I don't think I can wait! It's coming! Aagh! 391 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:32,840 - Is there a doctor in here? - It's OK, Jack and Victor have just passed their first aid certificate. 392 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:36,639 - Let them through! - Naw, Isa... - It's OK. 393 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,480 - Um... - Oh... 394 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,880 - SHE SCREAMS - All right, hen? 395 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,280 SHE SCREAMS LOUDER 396 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:47,840 Is that...the heid? 397 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:50,240 I believe so, aye. 398 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,80 SHE SCREAMS 399 00:27:53,80 --> 00:27:55,720 SHE SCREAMS LOUDER 400 00:28:29,80 --> 00:28:31,120 'Jesus... 401 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:33,560 'what a heid I've got. 402 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:36,120 'Bloody hell! 403 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:39,840 'What was I thinking aboot - slapping Margo's arse?' 404 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:43,80 'You stupid bastard, Boaby! 405 00:28:43,80 --> 00:28:46,40 'Still, the place was mobbed. 406 00:28:46,40 --> 00:28:48,639 'It was a cracking night.' 407 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:54,320 Aagh! 408 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,360 Morning.