Haud the lift! > Shite! Come on, you bastard - shut!
That was lucky, eh?
BOTH: Aye, lucky. You'll be wondering why I've no coat. No.
I'm not goin' oot o' the building, just doon to No 2, to Kathy Reid.
She's gonnae gie me her old cooker.
Is that a fact? Where are yous goin'?
See that? Yes, I did, actually. Got a wee keek o' your modus operandi there, Isa.
You telling us where you're going - and we're
no' interested - in order to find out where WE'RE going!
We're off to the Clansman. Nae juicy gossip there.
Nothing newsworthy. Nothing worth passing on.
"Guess what! Jack and Victor have gone to the Clansman!"
"Drinking beer!" Cheeky bastards!
Never seen that there yesterday.
Och, it will be thae wee neds.
"CYT"?! What does that mean, anyway?
Dunno. Craiglang Youth Theatre?
YOUTH GIGGLES What are you laughing at?
Know how all the questions?
"Know how all the questions?" Yes. See where it says "sex"? Uh-huh.
I've put, "Yes, please."! Aye, well done, son. That'll score you a lot of points(!)
Mr Ingram? Oh! Right you are, son.
Please, sit down. Oh, thanks very much, Mr, um... Robin -
there's no Misters here. Thanks, Robin. I'm Winston.
Winston? Good name - noble. Thanks very much.
Yours is a smashing name too - Robin.
Like a wee bird. Well, let's see...
You live in Craiglang. That's our catchment. That's great.
You worked at Yarrow's. All my days, Robin. Excellent!
Ships, building, welding, grafters...
Winston, that's great. That's what Food Fare is all about -
committed people with the same goal, forging ahead, working together for...
For wages. No, the customer. The customer!
When I started here, it was a small company
but I knew that it was going places. That's why I joined.
Why do YOU want to work for Food Fare? Uh, well...
I have been a customer of Food Fare for a number of years,
and I have watched with pleasure it growing from hee-haw to huge,
with branches all over the shop, including...er...
the one next to the motorway there.
I've also admired the courteousness of the staff
and the convenient layout of the shop floor.
I feel also, Robin, that you have a team here
that I would be proud to be a part of...
It... Er...
I'm skint! Sorry?
Listen, son, naebody wants to be working at my age.
But I'm doon a hole. I need the money.
I cannae survive on the pension. I'm too fond of the pub and the bookies.
So what do you say you and I forge ahead and work together
and see if we cannae get me a couple of shifts?
...Can you start the day?
Lovely that, isn't it(?)
I'm gonnae say something. Leave it, Jack. No!
Here, you!
What is it you think you're doing? Painting.
Painting. You must work for the council. I don't see a boiler suit.
So you're part of this "Craiglang Young Team"?
Aye, I'm the leader!
So is all this because you've got nothing to do?
When we were growing up, there was nothing to do either,
but we didnae resort to vandalising things!
Aye, we would get a ball, kick it about all night, right up till lighting-up time!
Aye, or go to the park and fish for baggy minnies!
We'd get sticks, make them into boats, race them.
We FOUND things to do. You've got to find things
to amuse yersel! I mean, that's got to be better than this.
This isnae getting you naewhere!
Shut it! Now, you listen to me...
Right, you! Right, beat it, you old bastard!
Look who it is! If it isnae... Jesus Christ, are thae tits?
Yes, Boabby. They are.
Tits!
No, I'm no' so sure
that I'm keen on your tits, Victor.
Bit droopy.
I love the round ones! Two pints!
So what the hell happened?
We dug up a couple of neds for spray-painting.
Ye didnae do something about it? We're pensioners, for Christ's sake!
I reckon yous got off light. How?
Old John McKenna got two bags of messages
took off him - and a boot in the stones for his trouble.
There's a new Young Team coming up.
A lot of faces down at the off-licence that I don't recognise.
Well, if things get any worse, I'm bailing out, selling up. ...£3.60.
There's a fiver. Keep the change - give us the title deeds!
This widnae be going on if Big Innes was still here. Jesus!
Innes, eh? There's a flashback!
Aye. Aye, he never took ANY shite, did he?
No, you widnae mess wi' Innes. He must be away over 15 years now.
What happened to him? Deid? No, he was doon last year for a funeral.
Stays up in Elgin. Has a croft there. A croft? Aye.
- Can I use your phone? - Aye, over there, mate.
A croft, you say?
Would a croft have such a thing as a phone?
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Jack Jarvis? Jack Jarvis from the Craiglang!
Well, I'm blessed! How the devil are you?
Uh-huh.
And are you still in Craiglang?
Aw! Och, that disnae sound very good.
Innes? Oh, he's fine. Fighting fit!
Oh, I see. I...I don't...
Well...I'd have to ask him.
Right.
Right. Well, I'll ask him.
Now, listen, if he says aye and comes doon,
you've to promise me one thing. Don't gie him...
Midori. Yes, I know. I remember, aye.
Aye, that's right - Midori.
He'll ask for it, but he's no' to get it, Jack!
No, don't worry about that. Haud on, I'll get him for you.
Innes! It's the phone for you.
Download a patch fae the Microsoft site. What's actually happening?
It just keeps rebooting, an' my icons are a' ower the place.
Aye, sounds like Dogtooth. You've got a virus. Ye'll get a wee patch.
All gibberish to you, auld yin?
No! All right, then. What were we talkin' aboot? Wee patch...
Dogtooth...
Em...is it a wee dug... called Patch...that's got a cold?
Aye! It's a wee dug ca'd Patch!
C'mere, Patch!
Watch and no' blow yer brains oot wi' that pricing gun, auld yin!
DING-DONG! Aha! Ooh!
What the hell are ye daein'? What d'you think, gents? About what?
DING-DONG!
It means if I'm in the back of the shop, I know if somebody's come in.
Did you no' used to have one that went "Brr!"?
Aye, but "Brr!" is shite. "Ding-dong!" is mair modern.
What is it you call them again? It's the, um...
Haud on, I know this. It's the, er... Victor?
It's the...the...
the door buzzer...noise. Bell.
Aye. The door noise buzzer bell, somebody's-coming-in doofer.
MEENA:
Aye, Meena doesnae know either.
I had some bother wi' neds comin' in and liftin' stuff bloody oot.
This'll be my eyes an' ears. Good. You'll probably no' need it, though.
Why? Because help is on its way.
You'll no' remember him,
but a big pal o' ours is comin' doon to sort these wee bastards out.
Oh, aye? Big fella, name of Innes.
Him and his wife used to live on the scheme.
There was nae carry-on when he was aboot! Ye didnae cross Innes!
I'll get him from the railway station later on. That'll be great!
Like a sheriff, comin' to round up all the wee pricks! A hard nut?
Aye. So have you any Midori? A poofy hard nut?!
No, you see, the thing is, Innes loves Midori,
but he cannae drink it, cos he's allergic to it.
So we cannae have any about. This is a great day. For years and years,
I've only ever had the one bottle. It sits there, laughing at me.
And now I finally get to shift it. That's great.
I'm gonnae stick it under my bed. Gentlemen, I give you...the stoory Midori!
That's nice o' ye - "I give you!"
£12. £10.
13. 12.
Meena, dust down that bottle of Advocaat - I think we're on a roll!
Steady!
Let me take that for you, madam.
Hey!
Oh! Sorry about that, darlin'.
Right!
Oh, come on!
Problem wi' yer trolleys, auld yin?
Nope! How's an old duffer like you workin' here? What do you mean?
It's a young man's game - stackin' shelves, pricin', trolley recovery.
Nonsense. I'm perfectly capable of puttin' in a day's shift. That right?
Aye, that's right. You've only got six trolleys, and you're sweatin',
strugglin' to control them... cos you're old! Cos I'm new! Naw!
See from day one, I could do 40. You'll never do 40, Grandda!
What is it wi' you and that patter? I'm 24.
I'm gonnae be daein' this job six months, a year, maybe.
I'll no' be daein' this job at your age. That's boggin!
See when I'm your age? I'll be lyin' on a beach wi' a drink and a cigar!
Oh, you bloody think so? Well... Gotta go.
By the way, you've broke the first rule in trolley recovery.
What would that be? You've got a DRT heading for an RPB.
Dangerous Rogue Trolley, Really Pricey Brief.
Oh, Jesus!
Allergic?! To this wee drap?
Right, well, give him it! Then see what you've let yourself in for!
Right!
So how big is this guy?
I'll tell you how big he is. He drinks lager two pints at a time.
In fact, you'd better make that four. He'll be thirsty.
Four pints? Pish! Who drinks four pints? What I'm about to show you
is a picture of me, Jack and Innes in Saltcoats, 1964.
Is that him?!
You'd better get them poured.
Mind your head on that.
Innes! Hello! All right, Victor? Eric!
How are you keepin'? Aye, fine!
You'll be ready for a beer, eh? Any Midori?
Naw. Come on get a seat, take the weight aff.
It's smashin' you're here, Innes.
Nae bother, Victor. It was good o' you to come doon, but.
I tell ye what - I'll get settled in at Jack's and look round tomorrow -
sort those wee bastards oot.
I fixed up the spare room for ye', Innes. That's good o' ye, Jack.
Oh! Where are you goin'? For a pish.
No' in here. Ye're no' a customer. Get it up ye!
Excuse me, lads.
UNZIPS
I think the barman said the toilet's only for customers.
Is 'at right? Barman's a walloper!
How's it going, Jack? All right, except he's eatin' me out o' house and hame.
What are ye talkin' aboot?
He only landed last night. Aye.
Half a loaf o' sandwiches last night, the other half this morning, toasted.
He's done in eight eggs! Eats them like bloody Smarties! See this.
Is that a soup pot?!
Aye! I offered him an ordinary bowl. He just laughed at me.
There's two pints of milk in that, and a full box o' Cornflakes!
Thae wee bastards don't know what's coming! Any mair toast there, Jack?
Yes, Innes, coming.
Want me to cut that up for ye, auld yin? Save you wrestlin' wi' it?
Mash up his egg, Susie - make it nice an' soft for the auld yin!
Winston, is it? Aye, that's right. Ssh! Andy Collier, Warehouse.
Pleased to meet you, Andy. See you've been singled out for attention.
How do ye mean? Gettin' it from Kevin. Oh, is that his name? Aye.
Doesnae like the auld yins. He doesnae seem to hassle you.
He accidentally switched off a fridge once,
ruined a pile o' milk, butters, yoghurts, creme fraiche.
I took the fall for him - said it was me.
He's left me alane ever since. Try and get in wi' him -
it'll make life a whole lot easier. But he's an arsehole!
There's only one other road left open to ye - he's the daddy...
the tallest stalk in here. You have to cut him doon,
send out the right message on the jungle drums.
What are you on about?
I'm sayin' ye have to take him doon. Take him doon tae Chinatoon!
Listen, you - this is Food Fare in Craiglang. Ye're no' in Sing Sing!
Winston!
You'll need these.
Hello, ye wee fanny!
Whit are you on?
Remember us? Aye. Ah dae. Are ye back for another coat, like?
I'm gonnae dae you in!
Hello, there, Stevie.
Oh! Davina - is this Davina?
Oh, look at you! Look at you! You're absolutely lovely.
Well done, hen, eh?
Cheery-bye!
I'm getting too old for that! Nonsense! You're young yet, Navid!
DING-DONG!
How's it going, Navid? Very well, gents, very well,
largely thanks to the big fella cleaning the town out!
Everyone this morning has been wearing a big smile.
I look out the windae - nae neds. Aye, I know. Good, isn't it?
You needin' bread? Aye, two loaves. I'll take a dozen eggs an' all.
Have you any big jars o' jam? Nae bother.
Oh, Wagon Wheels! He enjoys a wee Wagon Wheel.
There we go.
Jesus! Aye, I know! It's like keepin' a bloody bear!
The big man was in earlier. Innes? What was he wantin'?
He was after that Midori stuff. But you havenae got any.
That's what I telt him. Good.
I said you took the last bottle and were hiding it under your bed. What?!
Come on, Jack. He's pullin' your pisser. Hee-hee!
Damn thing!
I'll get that for ye, hen. Oh!
Thanks very much!
Ye'll be wantin' it in here. Aye, in there. That's lovely.
You're like a big body builder! Can I dae ye a sandwich? Aye!
Is this gettin' flung oot? Aye.
I'll need to sort that oot. I've to call the council to uplift it.
Even then, it'll be four days.
Are ye wantin' a cup o' tea wi' that?
Or maybe somethin' a wee bit stronger? Have ye any Midori?
It's nae use. It's this stupid gun! Aw, it's the gun?
The gun's auld. Tell ye what -
take ma gun. I'll kick yer arse using your own gun, eh?
Right.
Ha!
How d'you like that, eh? That's you beat.
Beat, and beat good.
Done, done, done.
Aye, you WOULD be done
if you'd paid £9.99 for a wee tin of sweetcorn.
Done, good an' proper.
These'll need DONE again.
I see Kevin's still ragging you. It's comin' tae a heid.
You see what he's doing, don't ye?
He's making you his bitch. Ach, away you tae f...!
Where are you wantin' this? Oh, oot o' here.
Take it to yours, oot the road of him.
Right you are. Oh, that smells rare. What is that?
Big juicy steak. It's the least we could do after all he's done.
Jesus! Look at the size of that! That's no' a steak, Jack.
That's a coo with the horns snapped aff!
How much did three of them set you back? Oh, I didnae buy three, naw.
These are ours.
Right. I'll go and plank this before he appears.
Oh, Victor!
Victor!
Don't barge out. Look through the peephole, check the coast's clear.
Oh, aye.
Shite!
He's coming oot of Isa's. Isa's?
Hold on. He's waiting on the lift.
Oh, aye.
Oh, what's she slabberin' on about? BELL RINGS
Oh, there's the lift there. He's away into the lift.
Now she's away back into her flat.
Right, that's the coast clear.
What d'you think Big Innes was doing in at Isa's?
ISA SCREAMS Come here! What is it, Isa?
It's in there, it's in there! Calm doon, Isa.
Look! What am I supposed to be loo...?
Is that Big Innes that done that?
Ooh, the dirty big bastard.
He must've had tae stand up tae get himself aff o' that. What am I gonnae dae?
Batter it with a loo brush? Break it into bits?
Will Harpic or Domestos BURN it to death? Domestos!
What was he doing over here anyway? He was coming to me for his dinner.
I fed him. He lifted in a cooker for me.
Where's he away tae noo? Food Fare.
He's away to get himsel' a bottle of Damuri or Madiri...
TOGETHER: Midori.
Aye, that's it. He says he couldnae get it anywhere,
and I says he'd probably get it at the Food Fare.
D'you think we beat him here?
Aye, by a ba' hair. Look.
Jesus! Get in, get in!
Wait, wait! Hands aff.
Aff!
You've only got two things. Carry them up to the coonter.
This is SOFT drinks, you clown! How was I supposed to know?
It said "drinks"! Jack. Victor.
Winston, where's the Midori? You don't drink Midori.
No, we don't, but Big Innes... Ssh! MIDORI!
Aisle 12, aisle 12. 12. C'mon.
Ohh!
Ah, Midori. Get it! Be careful.
He's comin'! ...Sorry, sir.
You'll have to use the other aisle. This floor's wet.
Carry on!
Who's gonnae pay for this? I don't know.
Have you got money? Naw. Quickly now.
Oh, Jesus!
Come on!
Hey!
He's away. Ohh!
Winston, what is it you're doin' workin' in here? Jesus!
Noo there's THREE auld bastards!
I don't work here.
Break it!
Any sign of Jack and Victor, Boabby? Naw, hen. How?
Ach, it disnae matter. I'll see them mysel'.
Oh, Innes, I was lookin' for Jack and Victor there.
Victor left this sittin' on his landin'...
Nice?
Not a bit of bother for days.
Aye, all down to the good man Innes.
SNORING
Midori?
Midori.
Off to Elgin for a wee holiday?
Naw, I'm going hame. I've been doon visitin' some pals.
Sounds lovely. Actually...I might've outstayed my welcome a wee bit.
Refreshments. You wantin' anythin', big man?
What've you got? Vodka, gin...
whisky, Midori...