1
00:00:37,590 --> 00:00:40,990
Oh.
CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF

2
00:00:40,990 --> 00:00:45,830
That's the one I've got. Eh?
That one? That's smashing. Aye.

3
00:00:45,830 --> 00:00:48,555
The Sharp 37-inch
plasma widescreen.

4
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:53,690
100 Hertz tube, wall-mountable. It's
the bollocks. What have you got?

5
00:00:53,710 --> 00:00:59,950
Amstrad. Washed-oot colour, all fuzzy,
14-inch tube, 20-minute warm up.

6
00:00:59,950 --> 00:01:02,670
It's bollocks. I see your dilemma.

7
00:01:02,670 --> 00:01:08,750
Ever tried to watch a big horse
race on a portable? Or the fitba'?

8
00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:13,790
Hundreds of tiny wee men chasing a
ball you cannae see? It's nae use.

9
00:01:13,790 --> 00:01:18,790
So what are you after, size-wise?
I don't know. How much is that?

10
00:01:18,790 --> 00:01:23,830
£2,700. 2,700? Right.
Let's see now...

11
00:01:23,830 --> 00:01:29,070
I forgot. It's my arse that's lined
with diamonds. What about this one?

12
00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:33,790
How much is that? 599.
How much were you looking to spend?

13
00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:37,190
80 quid? Max.

14
00:01:37,190 --> 00:01:42,750
Aye, well, there's an optician next
door. Get a thicker pair of specs!

15
00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:50,390
Hi, Eric. Hi, Tam. Jack, Victor.

16
00:01:50,390 --> 00:01:54,351
Here we go! Burke and Hare!
Shut your hole, Boabby.

17
00:01:54,356 --> 00:01:57,530
We'd no' rob your
grave, we'd piss in it!

18
00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:02,390
Two pints of lager, ya prick, ye.
Two pies and a'. Two pies?

19
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:07,398
No steak pie at the funeral?
That's the only reason you go.

20
00:02:07,403 --> 00:02:11,050
Shut up. We went to pay
our final respects.

21
00:02:11,070 --> 00:02:13,710
That's Billy Ferguson buried. Aye.

22
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:16,750
Bloody liberty. What a way to go.

23
00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:21,990
Heart attack, bad fa', deid. Lying
at the back of the door eight days.

24
00:02:21,990 --> 00:02:26,910
Aye. Dug eats you, baws first.
Then the face.

25
00:02:26,910 --> 00:02:31,750
That's what dugs dae, apparently.
Aye, nothing left of Billy.

26
00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:37,190
Mind you, the dug had ballooned up
tae double the size. Full of Billy.

27
00:02:39,230 --> 00:02:45,470
Must be smashing being your age.
A wee pain, dug sitting like that...

28
00:02:45,470 --> 00:02:50,070
A dug won't eat your baws.
It's a wee fanny you've got.

29
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:53,813
Eric, you still looking
for a hoose up oor block?

30
00:02:53,818 --> 00:02:57,610
Get onto the cooncil. There's
wan lying empty now.

31
00:02:57,630 --> 00:03:02,830
Good call. I'll get up there
tomorrow. Here. Tae Billy.

32
00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:08,870
Tae Billy. Pint of lager, Boabby.
Hello, lads. Hello, Winston.

33
00:03:08,870 --> 00:03:14,870
That's Billy planted.
Billy who? Billy nae baws!

34
00:03:14,870 --> 00:03:19,325
What size was his telly? Eh?
I was oot looking at tellies.

35
00:03:19,330 --> 00:03:21,570
Mine's nae use. It's too wee.

36
00:03:21,590 --> 00:03:26,230
And? And I cannae afford it!
They're too dear.

37
00:03:26,230 --> 00:03:31,070
How can they justify a' that money
for a telly? So I got this.

38
00:03:31,070 --> 00:03:34,990
If you cannae afford
a big telly, you can build one.

39
00:03:34,990 --> 00:03:41,510
That's what to dae. While you're at it,
build me one an' all, you daft tit!

40
00:03:41,510 --> 00:03:43,556
Whit are ye's laughing at?

41
00:03:43,581 --> 00:03:48,750
How hard can it be if you've got the bits?
Wires, plugs, valves.

42
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:54,790
Valves?! You dinnae get valves
in tellies any mair. It's all...things.

43
00:03:54,790 --> 00:03:59,630
Electronicals. That's right.
And they've got the...um...

44
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:02,350
...the white light, the big light.

45
00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:06,870
Wow! And you've no'
been heid-hunted by Hitachi!

46
00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:11,510
Mark my words - nothing tae this.
TELEPHONE RINGS

47
00:04:11,510 --> 00:04:13,950
Gonnae get that for us, Victor?

48
00:04:23,990 --> 00:04:29,190
Hello, Clansman. ...John!
Christ, I thought you were deid!

49
00:04:29,190 --> 00:04:34,230
How have you been? ...Smashing! I'll
tell them right away. Cheery-bye.

50
00:04:36,790 --> 00:04:41,510
That was John Logie Baird.
He says you're an arsehole!

51
00:04:48,990 --> 00:04:51,430
KNOCK AT DOOR

52
00:04:57,110 --> 00:05:01,910
Yes? Sign for this.
Oh, boy! Am I glad tae see you!

53
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:06,990
How? What is it? That, son,
is a telly. In an envelope?

54
00:05:06,990 --> 00:05:11,150
That's right. Aye.
Oh, Archie's comin' oot!

55
00:05:11,150 --> 00:05:16,630
Archie Taylor? Aye! You'll no' go.
Stay in and watch your envelope!

56
00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:22,590
No...I want tae see Archie comin'
oot. Where's my coat? Want a lift?

57
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:28,590
You don't drive. Aye, I dae.
I've got a van. ...In here.

58
00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:30,870
Shut up!

59
00:05:33,430 --> 00:05:37,830
Boabby! Jack, Victor.
We were coming in for a pint.

60
00:05:37,830 --> 00:05:40,870
No' the noo. I'm shut. For what?

61
00:05:40,870 --> 00:05:45,390
I didnae get that flat.
Archie got it. He's comin' oot.

62
00:05:45,390 --> 00:05:49,430
Whit?! They're pulling down
his old building.

63
00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:53,070
You'll never guess...
Archie's comin' oot!

64
00:05:53,070 --> 00:05:56,270
Aye. How did youse know?

65
00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:05,190
I want tae get up there early, get a good
look at him. That's what tae dae, Isa(!)

66
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:09,534
How long's he been in there?
Oh, he went in mid-Sixties.

67
00:06:09,559 --> 00:06:12,430
Aye. That would be
when you moved in.

68
00:06:12,430 --> 00:06:15,191
I used tae stay a
couple of doors doon.

69
00:06:15,196 --> 00:06:19,450
He's never set a foot ootside his hoose?
No, complete hermit.

70
00:06:19,470 --> 00:06:21,377
What does he dae for food?

71
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:26,490
Social Services pop up twice a week
with messages and that. Oh, aye.

72
00:06:26,510 --> 00:06:31,310
Social Services will keep him
up-to-date(!) Old tit.

73
00:06:31,310 --> 00:06:36,350
Oh, he's up-to-date. Even a hermit
knows you're a wanker, Boabby.

74
00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:42,630
CHANTING:
Archie! Archie! Archie! Archie!

75
00:06:42,630 --> 00:06:47,070
Coming through, son.
Winston, is he oot yet?

76
00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:51,510
Hello! Doon for a look
at Rip Van Winkle? Yeah.

77
00:06:51,510 --> 00:06:56,150
Archie! Archie! Archie!
He's no' comin' oot!

78
00:06:56,990 --> 00:07:02,030
Oh! That's the last you've seen
of they two!

79
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:04,550
Archie! Archie! Archie!

80
00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:07,910
Oh! Here he comes!

81
00:07:10,670 --> 00:07:13,830
Archie boy! Jack Jarvis?

82
00:07:13,830 --> 00:07:18,590
And Victor McDade!
How are you? How are YOU?

83
00:07:18,590 --> 00:07:22,950
Aye, good. You used tae have
a load of black hair.

84
00:07:23,990 --> 00:07:27,030
So did you. Aye.

85
00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:30,430
Funny, comin' oot.

86
00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:34,510
Now, Mr Taylor,
your flittin's at three. Aye.

87
00:07:34,510 --> 00:07:37,109
We've got a car
arranged for you.

88
00:07:37,114 --> 00:07:42,210
We'll take you to your new flat.
It's oor block. You're in wi' us!

89
00:07:42,230 --> 00:07:47,270
Have a cup of tea. Your furniture
will arrive in a couple of hours.

90
00:07:47,270 --> 00:07:49,710
A couple of hours?

91
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:53,390
Is the Bay Horse still over there?

92
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:58,430
It's called the Clansman noo, mate.
Aye, and it's still a shitehole!

93
00:08:00,470 --> 00:08:05,510
Now, listen, darling. I'm gonna go
for a pint. Is that OK? Of course.

94
00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:10,470
We'll give you a lift. No! I'd like
to walk. That's all right, darling.

95
00:08:10,470 --> 00:08:15,030
We'll look efter him.
OK, here's your keys.

96
00:08:15,030 --> 00:08:22,350
Welcome oot, Archie. We all clubbed
together and got you a Big Mac and fries.

97
00:08:24,150 --> 00:08:28,990
- Enjoy your meal.
- Oh, aye. Thank you, son.

98
00:08:31,070 --> 00:08:33,110
Mmm.

99
00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:35,750
That was oot of this world.

100
00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:40,590
What was it? Hamburger
oot of McDonald's. McDonald's?

101
00:08:40,590 --> 00:08:43,050
Is that a butcher's?
A butcher's?

102
00:08:43,075 --> 00:08:47,030
No, it's a fast food shop.
They're all over the place.

103
00:08:47,030 --> 00:08:51,670
I could get used to them.
You and 30 billion others.

104
00:08:52,670 --> 00:08:57,710
See ootside? Aye. Where are
a' the houses? All pulled doon.

105
00:08:57,710 --> 00:09:03,230
Where are the people? All pissed
aff. Who's the Prime Minister?

106
00:09:03,230 --> 00:09:08,270
Christ, you no' know that either?
Naw. You ever get a paper?

107
00:09:08,270 --> 00:09:10,710
Naw, I never take a paper.

108
00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:15,750
What aboot the telly? I put my boot
through that, 1966 World Cup.

109
00:09:15,750 --> 00:09:18,590
That bastard Geoff Hurst!

110
00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:25,030
Stupid thing to do, really. Not
at all, no. I lost a good wireless.

111
00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:31,030
You've got a lot of catching up
tae dae. What's that?

112
00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:33,750
These?

113
00:09:33,750 --> 00:09:38,870
No' them, Boabby. They're optics.
We had them since the war. That.

114
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:41,150
Oh, this?

115
00:09:41,150 --> 00:09:46,750
- This...is a microwave.
- Microwave? What does it do?

116
00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:53,670
Feel that.

117
00:09:53,670 --> 00:09:55,910
Aye. Cold pie.

118
00:10:16,990 --> 00:10:19,430
MICROWAVE PINGS

119
00:10:25,310 --> 00:10:28,070
Feel that noo.

120
00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:31,590
- It's still cold.
- Is it?!

121
00:10:35,110 --> 00:10:38,150
MUSIC: Theme from THIS IS YOUR LIFE

122
00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:02,390
Hey!

123
00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:05,030
Ohh. Champion, isn't it?

124
00:11:05,030 --> 00:11:07,670
Very nice.

125
00:11:30,630 --> 00:11:36,670
Whit's the sheet for? This is the
screen, where you see the picture.

126
00:11:36,670 --> 00:11:42,590
Explain to me again. How does it
get on the wa'? God! Ya Luddite!

127
00:11:43,550 --> 00:11:47,999
Now, the reason you can see the
TV picture from across the room

128
00:11:48,024 --> 00:11:50,190
is because it gives out lumens.

129
00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:52,430
So...

130
00:11:52,430 --> 00:11:57,270
What you dae is build a box round
your telly, harness the lumens,

131
00:11:57,270 --> 00:12:03,790
magnify them and project them onto a blank,
white screen. Voila. Big bastard telly.

132
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:06,310
Very eloquent, very technical, aye.

133
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:11,350
After this, I'm building another.
Whit for? Anybody that wants one...

134
00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:17,670
because once you see this baby in
action, you'll all be wanting them!

135
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,845
That's gieing you a big heid!

136
00:12:19,870 --> 00:12:24,894
Shut up, Igor, and hit the lights.
The monster is about to awake.

137
00:12:32,990 --> 00:12:35,430
Oh, no. That's no' right.

138
00:12:41,390 --> 00:12:44,430
Who is that?

139
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,630
It looks like Kylie Minogue. Aye.

140
00:12:49,790 --> 00:12:52,230
See in real life?

141
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:54,670
She's totie.

142
00:13:00,430 --> 00:13:02,870
Hey-ho. You fit?

143
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:06,310
Naw, I don't fancy comin' oot today,
boys.

144
00:13:06,310 --> 00:13:09,270
Eh? Aw, we're gonnae dae all sorts.

145
00:13:09,270 --> 00:13:12,030
No, I'm feelin' a bit tired.

146
00:13:12,030 --> 00:13:15,822
Oh, come on. We'll get you
one of them cheesy burgers.

147
00:13:15,847 --> 00:13:19,270
Naw, I think I'll pass on
that, if it's a' right.

148
00:13:19,270 --> 00:13:21,710
Aye. Fine, aye.

149
00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:24,150
See you, then. Bye.

150
00:13:28,230 --> 00:13:31,430
Tarzan. Did you say Tarzan there?

151
00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:33,550
Aye, Tarzan.

152
00:13:33,550 --> 00:13:38,590
Whit aboot him? There's Tarzan,
right. He lives in the jungle.

153
00:13:38,590 --> 00:13:43,710
Brought up by animals. He only
knows the law of the jungle.

154
00:13:43,710 --> 00:13:47,550
Aye. Wi' his wee pal,
Cheetah, the monkey.

155
00:13:47,550 --> 00:13:53,350
Then he gets taken to civilisation,
but he doesnae fancy it. Uh-huh?

156
00:13:53,350 --> 00:13:58,790
So he goes back tae what he knows.
He goes back tae the jungle!

157
00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:05,830
Smashing, Victor. What in the name of
Christ has that got to do with Archie?

158
00:14:05,830 --> 00:14:12,230
Jesus, Jack! Archie's Tarzan. Don't
talk pish! What is it you're on aboot?

159
00:14:12,230 --> 00:14:15,151
Archie comes oot,
he doesnae fancy it.

160
00:14:15,156 --> 00:14:19,250
He's away back in. He's nae
mair than a shaved monkey!

161
00:14:19,270 --> 00:14:23,630
So Archie's Tarzan? Aye!
His flat's the jungle. Yes, sir!

162
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:26,270
So who's Cheetah the monkey?

163
00:14:26,270 --> 00:14:31,590
Naebody! Archie's aboot tae
hole himself up again. Aye, I know.

164
00:14:31,590 --> 00:14:36,258
A' thae years have passed,
millions of things have happened.

165
00:14:36,263 --> 00:14:38,610
Here, we'll go to the library.

166
00:14:38,630 --> 00:14:41,406
We'll get books, old newspapers

167
00:14:41,431 --> 00:14:46,894
and tell him everything that's
happened since 1966. Nae need.

168
00:14:48,990 --> 00:14:54,190
What is it now? Right, Tarzan,
this wummin wants a word with you.

169
00:15:36,950 --> 00:15:40,510
And this...is yesterday's paper.

170
00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:49,789
Imagine, Navid, a home
cinema in your front room.

171
00:15:49,814 --> 00:15:53,590
You could go for a pish
and no' miss the flick.

172
00:15:53,590 --> 00:15:59,337
See, it's ma hoose. Nae couples
practically shagging in front of you.

173
00:15:59,362 --> 00:16:01,390
Naebody gab-gab-gabbing.

174
00:16:01,390 --> 00:16:03,910
I take it Isa's no' invited. No.

175
00:16:03,910 --> 00:16:08,030
Ah, quality.
How much is it costing you? Tenner.

176
00:16:08,030 --> 00:16:12,390
Add me to the Doubting Thomases.
You are an idiot.

177
00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:17,870
Good. See you tonight.
The main feature starts at eight.

178
00:16:17,870 --> 00:16:23,310
Feelin' a bit better after your
sit-doon wi' Isa? I am, Jack, I am.

179
00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:26,030
She's got a gob on her, hasn't she?

180
00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:36,870
I'll tell you, lads, for the first
time, I'm enjoying bein' oot.

181
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,790
Good. That's smashing. Good-o.

182
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:45,110
So, eh, what made you become
a hermit? Christ's sake, Boabby!

183
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:50,710
Ya tackety-booted bastard! It's OK,
boys. The lad's just curious.

184
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:55,870
I was evacuated to a farm
during the war. Lovely big place.

185
00:16:55,870 --> 00:16:59,110
Way oot past Stirling. Quiet.

186
00:17:00,590 --> 00:17:04,830
An auld couple looked after me.
Really auld.

187
00:17:04,830 --> 00:17:09,870
It was great. Every morning
I'd help him feed the animals.

188
00:17:09,870 --> 00:17:14,550
I'd my own horse.
The whole thing.

189
00:17:14,550 --> 00:17:19,590
Then we got news.
My dad had been killed in Belgium.

190
00:17:20,550 --> 00:17:24,990
Four months after that,
ma maw died of TB.

191
00:17:24,990 --> 00:17:29,820
I could have gone to my Uncle John's
but my Auntie Betty wasnae keen.

192
00:17:29,845 --> 00:17:31,430
Didn't have any kids.

193
00:17:31,430 --> 00:17:36,070
Must have liked it that way.
So I grew up on a farm.

194
00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:39,510
Of course, they died.

195
00:17:41,070 --> 00:17:45,910
Aye, the farm wasnae mine,
the bank took it, I came back here.

196
00:17:45,910 --> 00:17:51,350
I got a hoose off the Corpie.
It was like coming to New York!

197
00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:57,390
There were cars everywhere, buses,
music, factories, gangs runnin' aboot!

198
00:17:57,390 --> 00:18:00,766
Comin' back from a farm,
it was just too much.

199
00:18:00,791 --> 00:18:04,430
At first, I was goin' oot,
to the shop an' that...

200
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:09,116
but that winter I got pneumonia
and the social worker got involved.

201
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:11,370
They were bringing the messages.

202
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:16,230
That was it. I got better,
but I never went oot again.

203
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,750
One year, a wee moose came.

204
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,390
Lookin' for scraps an' that.

205
00:18:22,390 --> 00:18:24,830
I was encouraging it, you know.

206
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:27,950
It was quite happy
to run up your arm.

207
00:18:27,975 --> 00:18:31,870
I used to talk to it and
imagine it talked back.

208
00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:36,310
Every day it came,
regular as clockwork.

209
00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:40,270
So did it die? Aye.

210
00:18:40,270 --> 00:18:46,110
It died. I was having my corn flakes
one morning, pouring them in the bowl.

211
00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:51,150
It turns out he'd been going every
day as well, regular as clockwork.

212
00:18:51,150 --> 00:18:54,817
The corn flakes had wee
shit ba's all through it!

213
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,214
I set a trap, snapped
the wee bastard's back!

214
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,070
I still cannae look at a corn flake.

215
00:19:04,990 --> 00:19:09,030
Cola dae ye, Navid?
Aye, soft drink for me.

216
00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:14,430
DOORBELL Are ye in? Aye, I'm in.
Still a couple of good seats left.

217
00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:19,630
We brought Archie, if that's OK?
Of course. Here's beer, Winston.

218
00:19:19,630 --> 00:19:24,550
I'll stick them in the fridge.
Here. You come through here wi' me.

219
00:19:24,550 --> 00:19:26,990
Right, you'll like this.

220
00:19:28,070 --> 00:19:30,110
Noo...

221
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:35,853
I bought this malt back in 1966.
14 quid it cost me back then.

222
00:19:35,858 --> 00:19:38,490
That was a lot of money.
No' half.

223
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:45,550
I was gonnae open it when England got beat,
but needless to say it's still no' opened.

224
00:19:54,870 --> 00:20:00,910
Here's tae you, old chum. Out and
about. That's really nice, Winston.

225
00:20:00,910 --> 00:20:06,350
That's a really nice thing
you've done. Oot and aboot.

226
00:20:12,070 --> 00:20:16,310
Don't be touching that!
What are we watching?

227
00:20:16,310 --> 00:20:18,750
A movie - Towering Inferno.

228
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:23,526
Paul Newman's a fireman,
Steve McQueen's an architect.

229
00:20:23,551 --> 00:20:25,350
Other way aboot.

230
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,310
One mair, then I'm putting it away.

231
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:31,430
They arseholes aren't gettin' it.

232
00:20:32,670 --> 00:20:35,272
Is Fred Astaire no' in this?
Aye.

233
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:39,690
Don't talk pish. Fred Astaire
wasnae in Towering Inferno.

234
00:20:39,710 --> 00:20:44,910
I'm sure he is. Aye, right.
He comes in and he goes like that.

235
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:51,190
# Haud on the noo The building's
on fire! # Jack, he IS in it.

236
00:20:54,070 --> 00:20:59,116
Seven-thirty... "Towering Inferno
- '70s disaster classic.

237
00:20:59,121 --> 00:21:01,490
Steve McQueen, Paul Newman,

238
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,630
"William Holden and Fred..."
Ah, ya...!

239
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:07,230
Wait a minute!

240
00:21:07,230 --> 00:21:12,070
7.30! Christ, Winston, hurry up!
This picture has started.

241
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:15,145
Haud on. Navid, gie
Archie your seat.

242
00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:19,090
No, that's all right. Ssh.
You up, you sit doon.

243
00:21:19,110 --> 00:21:25,230
This is rerr. Now, gentlemen, what
you're about to witness... Shut up!

244
00:21:25,230 --> 00:21:27,710
Turn it on. Probably no' work.

245
00:21:27,710 --> 00:21:32,750
I need a pish. Sit on your arse!
Gentlemen, prepare to be amazed.

246
00:21:38,070 --> 00:21:43,190
Whit's goin' on?
Relax. It's just warming up.

247
00:21:43,190 --> 00:21:47,350
It's a pile of sh... Ho!
CHEERING

248
00:21:47,350 --> 00:21:52,390
That's fantastic. Like a picture
hall! I don't know what tae say.

249
00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:58,430
Youse are clamped. Now the light
is being refracted from the tube...

250
00:21:58,430 --> 00:22:03,950
Oh, there he is! Fred Astaire! Get
it up you, Jack! Shut your hole!

251
00:22:03,950 --> 00:22:06,390
Crystal clear.

252
00:22:06,390 --> 00:22:10,350
Look at that.
Look at they flames.

253
00:22:10,350 --> 00:22:16,790
You're almost in amongst it. Very
realistic. You can practically smell it.

254
00:22:16,790 --> 00:22:19,630
Aye, cos your curtains are on fire.

255
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:22,070
Aw, Jeez!

256
00:22:31,070 --> 00:22:33,710
Big-screen telly for a tenner!

257
00:22:33,710 --> 00:22:38,750
Plus a set of curtains, a pelmet,
hauf a carpet and a radiogram!

258
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:41,190
He's a dozy bastard!

259
00:22:41,190 --> 00:22:47,070
Ah, but it could have been a lot
worse. Aye. Could have been, aye.

260
00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:50,510
Aye, well, this is ma floor.

261
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:53,910
Thanks for a great night, lads.

262
00:22:55,230 --> 00:22:57,870
Aw, no.

263
00:23:03,670 --> 00:23:07,390
Aww, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

264
00:23:07,390 --> 00:23:10,190
Bastards! Better phone the polis.

265
00:23:13,070 --> 00:23:16,950
We'll no' need the polis.
Whit's a' that?

266
00:23:16,950 --> 00:23:22,470
40 years' worth of Social money.
You should have that in the bank!

267
00:23:22,470 --> 00:23:27,510
I've no' been oot. Aye, you should
have it in the bank, Archie. Aye.

268
00:23:27,510 --> 00:23:29,670
I know.

269
00:23:31,310 --> 00:23:35,550
That's a fortnight noo
and naebody's seen him.

270
00:23:35,550 --> 00:23:37,990
He's no' comin' back oot, is he?

271
00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:43,110
First time in years he comes oot
and his hoose is tanned! A liberty!

272
00:23:43,110 --> 00:23:48,150
Enough to turn anybody intae a
hermit. He was getting on so well.

273
00:23:48,150 --> 00:23:51,634
Aye, he was settling in
nice, the pub and that.

274
00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:55,170
I don't think it's right,
locking yourself away.

275
00:23:55,190 --> 00:24:00,030
I've a good mind to go and say
something to him. I'm no' so sure.

276
00:24:00,030 --> 00:24:03,070
Whit can you say to get him oot?

277
00:24:03,070 --> 00:24:07,710
Listen to youse two. Get him oot
tae what? Craiglang?

278
00:24:07,710 --> 00:24:13,150
A shitehole of the first order.
It's OK for us. We're used tae it.

279
00:24:13,150 --> 00:24:17,990
It's hame for us. We don't know
any better, but he's come oot,

280
00:24:17,990 --> 00:24:23,430
looked at Craiglang and us and
thought, "Stick it up your arse!"

281
00:24:24,470 --> 00:24:28,710
I mean, pals are
few and far between at oor age.

282
00:24:28,710 --> 00:24:31,912
I think we should keep
a watch oot for him

283
00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:36,374
or go up to the door and tell
him he's making a big mistake.

284
00:24:39,470 --> 00:24:43,910
Aye. Aye?
You're right, Jack. Come on.

285
00:24:50,070 --> 00:24:52,510
Right, chap the door.

286
00:24:53,470 --> 00:24:57,027
Why? It was your idea!
You agreed. Chap it!

287
00:24:57,052 --> 00:25:01,070
You! YOU chap it! YOU chap it!
Will you chap...?!

288
00:25:01,070 --> 00:25:05,950
Lads? Look, Archie, is it your
intention no' tae come oot again?

289
00:25:05,950 --> 00:25:11,710
Before you answer, you'd be sadly
missed. We were gettin' on well.

290
00:25:11,710 --> 00:25:16,790
Naw, I'm no' comin' oot, lads.
Think of all you're givin' up.

291
00:25:16,790 --> 00:25:21,550
What? There's us, the park,
the toon, the Clansman.

292
00:25:21,550 --> 00:25:26,990
OK, forget the Clansman. There's
lots tae dae! Lads, don't worry.

293
00:25:26,990 --> 00:25:32,870
I'm used to stayin' indoors. That's
what I'm comfortable wi'. Archie!

294
00:25:32,870 --> 00:25:36,830
How can you be?
It's a miserable existence.

295
00:25:44,670 --> 00:25:50,510
Miserable existence? As you can see,
I didnae bank the money.

296
00:25:51,710 --> 00:25:54,390
And I'll no' go short of company.

297
00:25:56,070 --> 00:26:00,230
Oh.
So you've made your mind up, then?

298
00:26:00,230 --> 00:26:02,590
I have, Jack, aye.

299
00:26:04,830 --> 00:26:06,870
Come on.

300
00:26:13,830 --> 00:26:16,270
Cheerio, lads.

301
00:26:16,270 --> 00:26:18,710
Aye, Archie.

302
00:26:20,670 --> 00:26:23,710
LOCKS ARE PUT ON

303
00:26:29,070 --> 00:26:33,110
I've left my bunnet.
We'll get you a new one.

304
00:26:34,270 --> 00:26:38,510
KNOCK AT FRONT DOOR
Och! Who's this now?

305
00:26:45,470 --> 00:26:47,910
What is it?

306
00:26:47,910 --> 00:26:53,550
It's a parcel. You've tae sign for
it. You better bring it in here.

307
00:26:53,550 --> 00:26:56,030
Stick it through here.

308
00:26:57,270 --> 00:26:59,710
Right. Stick it there.

309
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:15,710
"Dear Winston, thanks for the dram. Leave
the telly building to the Japs. Archie."

310
00:27:21,870 --> 00:27:26,510
Oh, look, Chris.
A telly in an envelope!

311
00:28:01,270 --> 00:28:06,510
Archie? If you're no' comin' oot,
can we no' come in?

312
00:28:07,470 --> 00:28:10,310
Lovely big telly. Uh-huh.

313
00:28:10,310 --> 00:28:15,150
And leather couches. Technically,
you still would be a hermit.

314
00:28:15,150 --> 00:28:21,790
There's nothing to say a hermit can't
have visitors. Nothing at all. Archie?

315
00:28:29,070 --> 00:28:31,710
I suppose that's that then, eh?

316
00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:35,550
Aye. Fancy a pint at the Clansman?

317
00:28:36,510 --> 00:28:38,550
Aye.