1
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,200
Mornin', Victor.

2
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,600
Mornin', Jack.

3
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,840
What are you up tae? Ah. Oh, aye...

4
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:55,040
let me guess. The breakfast biscuit
of this morning is...Rich Tea!

5
00:00:55,040 --> 00:01:00,000
Please, my friend. Oh, aye, right enough,
it was Bourbon Creams at mine yesterday

6
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,760
so you would try and top that
with the Mint Viscount? No. Way aff.

7
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:07,200
If you got in a private jet, Jack,
you could not get further away...

8
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:14,400
Kit Kat? No. Penguin? No. Blue Riband? No.
Breakaway? No. Fox's Classic? ...Jaffa?

9
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:19,320
No. There arnae any mair biscuits.

10
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:24,040
You've gottae think outside the box and
more along the lines of... patisserie!

11
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,942
Mammy Daddy! Chocolate eclairs!

12
00:01:25,967 --> 00:01:30,384
That is exactly what you're after at
half eight in the morning! To me.

13
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:35,560
That's it, Jack.
Savour it. Take your time.

14
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:40,520
Would you like a tea plate
and a pastry fork?

15
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,880
By the way, before I forget, Winston
cannae meet us for a pint the day.

16
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:47,811
He's gaun up the hospital
to get his new leg.

17
00:01:47,836 --> 00:01:50,384
Good fur him. About
bloody time, an a'.

18
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,240
I'd a boner this morning.

19
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,760
A boner? Aye. Just woke up,
there it was. Hello.

20
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,120
So, what did ye dae?

21
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:12,040
What do you mean what did I dae?
A wee fouter...?

22
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,754
Shut up. Course I didnae, no!

23
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:17,220
I just admired it for five
minutes and then it went away.

24
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,240
I cannae remember
the last time I had a bloody boner.

25
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,760
Oh, no, I tell a lie.

26
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,200
Judy Finnigan. Judy Finnigan?!

27
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,920
Aye. Before she went all shakey.

28
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,760
Christ,
that must have been a while ago.

29
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,000
Ah, well, good luck to you, Jack.

30
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,985
That there is Mother Nature's
way of reminding you

31
00:02:37,010 --> 00:02:40,200
that everything is in working
order should you need it.

32
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,385
I think it's Mother
Nature taking the piss,

33
00:02:42,390 --> 00:02:44,500
giein' you a bone and
naewhere to bury it.

34
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:50,520
Tell me this...what would you dae if
a big dame came to the door and said,

35
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,080
"Right, Jackie boy.
Get me squared up pronto."

36
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,613
I know exactly what I'd dae.
"Come in.

37
00:02:55,618 --> 00:02:59,100
Get yer scants and nylons
aff, there's a wee sherry."

38
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,640
Into the bedroom and
yabba dabba doo.

39
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,640
Is that right, aye?
I think ye'd shite yersel.

40
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:09,920
Aye, I would, aye. So would you!
Course I would.

41
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,557
Good job then, intit? What?

42
00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:15,680
That naebody's up bangin' the door
wantin' their hole aff us. Aye.

43
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:19,480
We're lucky.
Couple of lucky auld bastards.

44
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:25,400
KNOCK ON DOOR Smashin'. That'll be
some woman wanting her hole aff us noo.

45
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:29,000
DOORBELL RINGS, KNOCKING CONTINUES

46
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,818
Yes, lads? How you
daein', Mr McDade?

47
00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:40,600
We're collecting for
Craiglang Football Club.

48
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:45,320
Nice touch. Used ma name. Personal.
So what huv ye got tae dae?

49
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,440
Pick a number and write yer name on
the back of it. Back of it.

50
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,986
Then, when a' the numbers are took, we
cut them up and put them in a tombola.

51
00:03:53,011 --> 00:03:54,560
A tombola?
Aye. A tombola.

52
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:59,240
If ye win, it's, er, £20. The rest of the
money goes to jerseys, for the team.

53
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,073
That sounds smashin'.
Hold on, I just want to get my pal.

54
00:04:03,098 --> 00:04:05,344
He'll want a piece of this.
Jack?

55
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,400
What's going on here?

56
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:13,680
The boys here are collecting for the
Craiglang football team. Oh, aye.

57
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,263
Apparently what you do
is ye pick a lucky number

58
00:04:16,268 --> 00:04:18,980
and then they cut them all
up and put them into a...

59
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,880
What is it you call it? A tombola.
A tombola! Tombola? You can win...

60
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:29,280
20 quid! Where is it Craiglang
football team play again?

61
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:33,640
Eh...doon at the green. Oh, aye,
the green, aye. What green's that?

62
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:38,160
Um...the wan just doon there.
Did you no' get beat last week?

63
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:42,760
Aye! Aye, we did! We got beat!
Who was it that beat ye? Em...

64
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,640
Come on now, ye must remember,
it was only last week.

65
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,461
Was it Made Up United?
Arenae There FC?

66
00:04:49,466 --> 00:04:53,460
Don't Exist Rovers? A Couple
O' Wee Lyin' Pricks Albion?

67
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:57,960
Put that in yer tombola,
ya wee bastards.

68
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,800
Craiglang fitba team! Ma arse!

69
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,560
Anybody sittin' there, Eric?

70
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,840
Eric? Eh? Aye...naw.

71
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:23,520
Mind if I join ye? I'm gonnae get a wee
cup of tea before I start at Navid's.

72
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:26,814
Bloody parched. Never got ma
normal cuppa this morning.

73
00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:28,520
Fuse was away in the kettle.

74
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,254
I always take a cup of
tea in the morning.

75
00:05:31,259 --> 00:05:34,540
Puts ye right off yer stride
when you don't get it.

76
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,240
That first cuppa.

77
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:48,560
Is it tea or is it coffee you take,
Eric? Tea or coffee.

78
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:54,280
No, it's petrol you drink, intit?
Petrol, aye...

79
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,600
Oh, aye.

80
00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,000
That'll be the new lassie then,
is it? That's her.

81
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,160
The lovely Rena.
I don't know about that.

82
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:08,960
Her skirt's away up roon' her erse
and the chest on her's ridiculous!

83
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,000
Oh, aye. I hate that.
She's a widow tae.

84
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,920
What difference does that
make to you? She's aboot 45.

85
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,800
She wouldnae look at any of youse,
ya daft old buggers!

86
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,200
Isa. Eric.

87
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:32,680
Oh, aye. I was wondering when you
two would show up. How's that?

88
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,880
Down here ogling the new lassie.

89
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,336
What new lassie?
Rena. The new lassie.

90
00:06:37,361 --> 00:06:40,800
I didnae know there was a new lassie.
Did you, Victor?

91
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,200
Nup. What can I get for you?

92
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:49,320
You can accept a warm welcome
to Craiglang, sweetheart.

93
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:53,120
We wish you every success
in your new job. Good luck.

94
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,760
Two teas, please, sweetheart.
Aw, that's lovely!

95
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,120
That is really lovely.

96
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,294
And it's Jarvis and
McDade pullin' away

97
00:07:05,319 --> 00:07:08,744
from the pack of dead-beat
loser arseholes...

98
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,920
Chocolates and flowers, Eric.
The only way to fly, son.

99
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,960
There he is!

100
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,200
Can you no' read?

101
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:52,320
Aye, I can read.
I can read perfectly well.

102
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:56,920
Says...Nosmo King. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
He's a good guy, Nosmo!

103
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,360
Very good.

104
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,720
I broke ma wrist at work.
Thanks for that. I didnae ask ye.

105
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,880
Where's yer leg?

106
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,440
You're no' really readin' that, man.

107
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:16,600
You're just pretendin' tae read that
so ye don't huv tae talk tae me.

108
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,960
Cos it's a wummin's magazine. Mate...

109
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,280
Here, mate...

110
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:28,240
Here, mate, it's a wummin's magazine.

111
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,160
Mate...

112
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,120
What is it?

113
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,320
Where's yer leg?

114
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,480
It's no' here. Where is it, then?

115
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,228
I don't know. I got it cut off,

116
00:08:39,233 --> 00:08:44,260
cos I smoked too many fags
like you when I was younger.

117
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,160
You smoked yer leg aff, man? Aye.

118
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:52,640
What ye talkin' aboot? Well...
Naw, man. Naw, man!

119
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,760
You smoked yer leg aff
wi' too many fags?! Like this?

120
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,680
Ohhh!

121
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,480
Naw, I don't think so, mate.

122
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,400
Mr Ingram?

123
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,640
That's me, son.

124
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,480
Oh, aye, mate... What is it?!

125
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,360
Don't smoke yer other leg aff, an a'!

126
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,400
Right, Doc.
Let's get a look at this new leg.

127
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:30,400
I tried phoning you this morning,
Mr Ingram, but you'd already left.

128
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,160
There's a wee bit of a problem.

129
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,120
Oh.

130
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,640
New fitba strips?
That'd be smashin'!

131
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,160
Put your purse away, Mima.

132
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,880
That's right, cos it's a bloody con.

133
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:46,920
Is it?

134
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,280
Ye little bastard!

135
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,360
What is it wi' you, eh?
Preying on bloody pensioners!

136
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,960
Just tryin' tae get masel
some money.

137
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,296
You're gonnae end up
in the pokie, boy.

138
00:09:58,321 --> 00:10:01,800
A couple o' quid just now, but
it'll lead to bigger things.

139
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:06,440
Bag snatchin'. Armed robbery. Diamond
heists. It's a slippery slope.

140
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:11,600
You need to get yersel on the straight
and narra. Get yersel a girlfriend. Aye.

141
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,899
That's what you should
be aboot at your age.

142
00:10:13,924 --> 00:10:16,760
Pictures. Dancin'. Walkin' in the park.
The good stuff.

143
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,186
You got a girlfriend?
Naw. I quite like that lassie,

144
00:10:20,211 --> 00:10:23,160
but, that works in the cafe.
The big redhead?

145
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,840
She's old enough tae be yer maw!
Naw. Sinead.

146
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,151
The one that does the tables.
Oh, aye, the wee lassie.

147
00:10:30,156 --> 00:10:33,020
Well, there ye are then.
Ask her oot. Naw. How?

148
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:38,120
I wouldnae know what tae say. Rubbish.
Just hit her wi' the young patter!

149
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,280
The young patter, eh?
This'll be good.

150
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,680
Gie us some of that, Jack.
Eh, right ye are. Em...

151
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:50,400
I like the PlayStation.
Do you like the PlayStation?

152
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,520
Whit are ye laughin' at?
Can you do any better?

153
00:10:55,920 --> 00:11:00,440
Huv ye heard a' the new rapper music?
I've heard it. And I like it.

154
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,800
I'll gie ye that, aye.
That's good, aye.

155
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,880
No, that was pish, man.

156
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:10,600
There's Isa.
Jesus, look at the state of her!

157
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:15,560
She's hotfooting it into Navid's to
spill the beans about Rena and Wullie.

158
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:20,280
Let's beat her to it and put her
nose right oot o' joint. Come on.

159
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,760
You, keep yer nose clean.
And good luck with that lassie.

160
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,800
Navid! Guess what!

161
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,119
Wait till ye hear, Navid. Isa,
shut up, we're telling the tale.

162
00:11:34,124 --> 00:11:36,380
Ye know big Rena that
works in the cafe...?

163
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,770
Shut yer hole, Isa. Just for
once I would like to hear

164
00:11:39,795 --> 00:11:42,840
a bit of gossip no' from you.
I was in the cafe...

165
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:46,800
Get your brush and go behind the
beads. Yeah, but... Behind the beads.

166
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:57,360
Will you get behind
the bloody beads, woman!

167
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,000
Gentlemen, the floor is yours.

168
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,239
Right...Victor. Not at all, Jack.
Are you sure?

169
00:12:04,244 --> 00:12:07,660
I insist. Right... We're
in the Rendezvous Cafe...

170
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:12,920
Rena the new woman in the cafe was
snoggin' Wullie Reid! Sorry! It's too good!

171
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,000
Ya lousy bastard!

172
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,200
Oh, Christ. That's a belter.
She's been in here.

173
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,404
She's a big honey. Aye. What dae ye
suppose the attraction is there?

174
00:12:23,429 --> 00:12:25,720
It's no' money.
He's no' got two bob.

175
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,909
Naw, he's a scrounging bastard,
always asking for tic.

176
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,860
He must have a
smashin' big cock.

177
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,840
Aye. Probably.

178
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:38,800
I'll tell ye what he's got - that smashin'
hoose on Blairtannoch Avenue.

179
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:43,400
Two in a block. They're like hens'
teeth! She'll be after his hoose!

180
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:50,960
Wullie. Christ, look at the state
you're in. Are you riding a bike?

181
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,240
Aye.
It was a gift from ma girlfriend.

182
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:58,880
Aye, we saw the pair o' youse at the
cafe. She's half your age. So?

183
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,480
It's love. She's moving in wi' me.

184
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,880
You not a bit old for a bike, Wullie?
Nonsense!

185
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:12,760
She got me a bike. Keep me fit! Keep
ye fit for what?! Oh, you're no...?

186
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:16,840
That's absolutely none of your
business! What a thing tae ask.

187
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,480
I would never discuss
anything personal like that!

188
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,040
Any condoms, Navid?

189
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,920
What are youse laughin' at?
Nothing. Nothing. Sorry, Wullie.

190
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,640
Ask again. I won't laugh. Condoms.
I'm needin' condoms.

191
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,880
Ribbed...or flavoured?

192
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,800
...Flavoured.

193
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,960
Ach, get it up youse!
I'll go tae Boots.

194
00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:01,200
There's someone lifted my pint!
Where's my pint?

195
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:07,240
Jeezo! You go for a quick pish and some
lousy bastard whisks yer pint away.

196
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,800
Ye didnae have a pint, Tam.
Ye've just come in.

197
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,880
The Lord loves a tryer.
What's that ye've got, Eric?

198
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:18,760
It's supposed to be mince and
tatties. Tatties rock hard? Mm-hm.

199
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,400
Mince a' watery? Aye.

200
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,440
Nae Oxo. Nup.

201
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,240
Salt? Naw!

202
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,400
Tasteless? Aye.

203
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,120
Pint of lager, Boabby.

204
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:37,120
Two pints, Boabby. Thank you, Eric.

205
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:58,680
Winston. Did you get your new foot?
I did, aye.

206
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,046
That's good, Winston. Noo you
can have the two shoes on.

207
00:15:02,051 --> 00:15:04,860
Two shoes, Eric, aye.
What's the matter wi' ye?

208
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,040
Nuthin'. Gimme a pint o' lager.

209
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,400
Look who it is! Phyllis and Diller.

210
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,960
That's got to be the worst yet,
ya tosspot.

211
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,840
How? Cos Phyllis Diller
is one person, no' two.

212
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,760
Normally, when we come in,
you gie it, "Batman and Robin."

213
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,400
Or "Laurel and Hardy." Double acts.

214
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:29,268
What you said is like saying,
"Look! It's Frank and Sinatra."

215
00:15:29,273 --> 00:15:32,180
Or "Bob and Hope." But
if that's yer patter...

216
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:37,320
Knock yourself out. Look, Jack!
It's Lawrence Lewellyn Bowen!

217
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,480
Two pints, ya prick!

218
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,280
Is that your new foot, Winston?
Smashin'.

219
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,600
Is it comfy?
You getting aboot a' right? Aye.

220
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,840
Gie's a look at it. Eh? Naw.
It's a foot.

221
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,920
I've never seen a rubber foot.
It's no' rubber.

222
00:15:54,920 --> 00:16:00,880
Is it a good match wi' the other yin?
Can you wear shorts? Let's see. Get it oot!

223
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:05,320
Leave the man alone. He's in for
a quiet pint, no' to show it aff!

224
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,000
Let's see it! Aye, c'mon get it oot.

225
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,840
There ye are.

226
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,120
There ye are. Cheers.

227
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:06,960
Gie it a rest, youse two.
You've had yer jollies doon the pub.

228
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:12,080
It's no' the foot. It's the nails.
What's the deal with the nails?

229
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:17,800
I've telt youse. It's the
only one they had. Bloody NHS.

230
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:21,920
It was either that or wait forever
for a man's foot. Get a marker pen

231
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:25,560
and draw hairs on it!
Butch it up a bit! Gie it a rest.

232
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:34,560
Well, it's, um, a bonnie foot, Winston.
Well-turned ankle. Sexy even.

233
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,680
It's depressing, that's what it is.

234
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,960
How? See sitting in that hospital,

235
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,560
wi' a' the other decrepit
old bastards...

236
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,080
in beds, in chairs and on sticks.

237
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,160
I've never seen masel
as one of them...

238
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,560
but that's what
I've become noo, intit?

239
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,520
I mean, what next -
the other bloody leg?

240
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,960
You're not one of them, Winston.
Aye, Jack's right.

241
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,560
This'll no' change anything.

242
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,760
Ye've lost hauf yer leg, big deal.

243
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,400
I mean, that's hardly you
on the scrap heap, is it?

244
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,720
When life hands you melons...
make melon-ade.

245
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,160
Lemons, Jack. Eh? Oh, aye.

246
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,200
Melons, ya prick!

247
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,440
Bloody melons.

248
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:30,000
Speaking of melons, eh? We've got
just the thing to cheer you up. Eh?

249
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,680
Put yer socks on.
We're going to the cafe.

250
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,640
Where am I looking?

251
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,320
You see Wullie Reid?

252
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:45,040
Aye, I see him. What aboot him?
He's shaggin'...her.

253
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,680
Away ye go,
ya pair of doolally bastards!

254
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,600
We're telling ye!

255
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,200
Christ almighty. How about that?
Randy old bastard.

256
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,000
Awright?

257
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:03,560
Huv ye asked that wee lassie oot
yet? Naw. Noo's yer chance!

258
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,040
There's yer roll.

259
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,040
Thanks.

260
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,120
Is there sauce on it? Aye.

261
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,360
Is it red? Aye.

262
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,600
Thanks. Right.

263
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,640
Boys. Thought youse might like
to hear the latest.

264
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,400
I was up the high street
payin' ma phone

265
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:37,200
when who staggers oot o' Curry's
carrying a big heavy telly? Wullie.

266
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,040
And she's at his side carrying
nothing! Sweatin', he was!

267
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,240
And if that's no' enough...
Jesus, there's mair!

268
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:48,320
Etta Clarke who lives through their wall
telt me he was up all night bangin'!

269
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,280
Good for him! Naw!
Hammerin' and sawin' and bangin'!

270
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:57,080
What's your point, Isa? I think
she's got him daein' too much!

271
00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,200
I think she's trying tae burst
his wee ticker and keep that hoose.

272
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,960
Where do you think you are? Cabot Cove?
Who are you?! Angela bloody Lansbury?

273
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,680
Black widow pish!

274
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,160
Hello there, Wullie. Hello, lads.

275
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,240
What's that you're drinkin'?
She's got me on it! Red Bull!

276
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,360
Says it's good for me!

277
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,960
My heart's gaun' like a train!

278
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,080
I huvnae slept in two days!

279
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,200
See youse!

280
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:35,800
Very cynical, Isa.
The man's in love.

281
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,120
He's not the only one, Jack!

282
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,560
Isa's talkin' oot her arse. Aye.

283
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,493
A bloody black widow
in Craiglang.

284
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:52,620
I mean, it's only the daft
woman that works in the cafe.

285
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,680
And Sweeney Todd was just
a daft barber.

286
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,040
Be the way tae go, but, eh?
Pumped tae death.

287
00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:59,676
It's the only way tae go.

288
00:20:59,701 --> 00:21:04,520
With a smile on yer face and they
cannae get the lid of the coffin doon!

289
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,057
Look at that Texan billionaire!

290
00:21:06,062 --> 00:21:09,060
He was pumped to death by his wife.
That Anna Nicole Smith.

291
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:13,280
The big blonde? "Here gie me
your money! Feel ma diddies!"

292
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:17,520
It would be bad news if it was
true, but. If what was true?

293
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:22,080
Big Rena shagging
Wullie oot his hoose. At his age?

294
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,000
Your hoose for your hole?
That's a no-brainer!

295
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,766
A pint o' lager.
I'll be next in the queue

296
00:21:28,771 --> 00:21:31,700
once she's finished wi' him.
Imagine that, eh?

297
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,279
The last days o' your life

298
00:21:33,284 --> 00:21:37,820
and you wake up with a big dolly bird
lyin' next to you! You do that already.

299
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:43,330
Wake up, look doon at your lovely wee
woman's foot hanging oot the bed.

300
00:21:43,355 --> 00:21:45,184
Wee painted tootsies.

301
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:52,208
Next, you'll be lookin' for a wee
plastic haun, a fake wig and tits.

302
00:21:52,233 --> 00:21:54,400
You could shag
yersel' tae death!

303
00:21:54,400 --> 00:22:00,360
I'll stick this woman's foot up your arse,
Boabby. I'm intae that. Easy, Winston.

304
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,600
That'll learn ye, ya bastard!

305
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:12,760
Aw, naw!

306
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,240
I know I'm right.

307
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,920
She was living in that council
estate that had to get pulled doon!

308
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:26,520
So she needs Wullie's hoose!
Everybody thinks it's a big joke!

309
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:31,120
And I'm thinking, "Is it ME?
Am I the crazy one here?"

310
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:34,560
BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYS

311
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,200
I mean, what do you think, Navid?

312
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,520
Navid!

313
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:44,880
Navid! I'm no' listening to you,
Isa. I'm listening to my iPod.

314
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,880
Go and hawk your bullshit to someone
who gives a toss! All I'm saying...

315
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:58,327
All bloody week! "She's
trying to kill Wullie!

316
00:22:58,352 --> 00:23:01,504
Big Rena from the cafe
is a murdering cow!"

317
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:08,640
Did you hear any of what I was saying
there? Er...no. Quality.

318
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,320
What can I get you?
Big box of matches. Matches.

319
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,520
Bottle of methylated spirit. Spirit.

320
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,680
And a packet of Jammy Dodgers.

321
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,400
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

322
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,560
That's...£4.75.

323
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,520
There you go.

324
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:47,360
There you go. Thank you.

325
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,703
What an elaborate trap, huh?

326
00:23:55,708 --> 00:24:00,540
First, she lures him into the basement
with a trail of Jammy Dodgers...

327
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,280
then squish...

328
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,560
whouf... Boof!

329
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:12,320
I'm beginning to think
you're not so crazy after all!

330
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:23,160
That'll be Winston barred
oot the Clansman for a wee while.

331
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,000
Well, it's his ain fault.

332
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,800
He hasnae got a leg to staun' on.

333
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,120
There she is.

334
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:39,960
I know I'm being a sexist pig
an' a' that, but...

335
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:43,728
there'll no' be a man in Craiglang
that wouldnae gie their eye teeth

336
00:24:43,753 --> 00:24:45,720
tae be hangin' oot
of that big dame.

337
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:50,440
I know exactly what you're sayin',
Jack. Good luck tae ye, Wullie!

338
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:54,680
Aye, happy huntin' tae him, aye.
Get in amongst it, boy!

339
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,960
How's that, Rena?

340
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:12,560
Are ye gettin' a picture noo? Rena!
...Aagh!

341
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,400
GLASS SMASHES

342
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,760
Victor, open the door!

343
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,480
Jack! Are ye in there?

344
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,280
What the bloody hell is it, Isa?
Quick!

345
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,920
I telt youse,
but you wouldnae listen!

346
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,080
What are we lookin' at?

347
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,520
Oh, Jesus!

348
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,440
Poor Wullie.
I hope you've got her arrested!

349
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:05,520
Can you stand back, please? What
happened? There's been an accident.

350
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,440
My arse! Easy, Isa.

351
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,840
It was no accident.
She's killed him!

352
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:16,117
Keep your voice doon, hen.
Mr Reid is with the officer just now.

353
00:26:16,142 --> 00:26:18,904
He's very upset. MR Reid?
Is he no' deid?

354
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,880
I wis fixing the aerial...

355
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,800
Lost ma footin'...

356
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,280
Ended...falling off the roof...

357
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,680
crashin' through the greenhouse.

358
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:43,200
Rena must have came runnin' doon the
stairs tae see what happened and fell.

359
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,520
Snapped her neck like a twig.

360
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,480
Oh, my...

361
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,000
Are ye OK, Wullie?

362
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,000
I'm fine.

363
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,720
These wounds are superficial!

364
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,800
I don't know what I'm gonnae dae.

365
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,240
I loved her that much.

366
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:10,760
You're a big honey.
What's your name?

367
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,640
DO you like the rappin'?
Or the PlayStation?

368
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:47,240
Winston!

369
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,600
You gettin' aboot then? Aye, I am.
Good.

370
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,440
Want tae by a ticket for the
Craiglang fitba club? Aye.

371
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:58,240
When's the draw? What the bloody
hell are you daein'?

372
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,869
You still connin' people?
We were trying to help you.

373
00:28:01,874 --> 00:28:04,940
Get you a girlfriend.
Keep you oot o' bother!

374
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:09,040
I know, man, but I need the dough.
Ma burd's up the duff.