1
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,600
That's smashin', Davie. That'll do
me here. I'll just get my messages.

2
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,240
No, no, no, Isa!

3
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,280
I'll get your bags.
That's what I'm here fur.

4
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,680
That's awfy guid of ye, son!

5
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:53,120
Mary, see ye at the bingo
and say hello tae Mamie fur me!

6
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,440
Janice, keep well, hen! Dougie!

7
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,000
Hello, youse two.
Say hello tae ma handsome helper.

8
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,680
This is Davie. Davie, this is
Jack, Victor. Hello. How do!

9
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,360
Davie drives the Dial-A-Bus.

10
00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:14,640
Aye, I've seen it floatin' about.
So, can anybody use that, Davie?

11
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,200
Well, it's supposed to be
for the infirm just.

12
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,920
But if I'm passing and I see
somebody needs a lift, I just stop.

13
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,000
So if ye saw us struggling'
wi' shopping or that...? Aye.

14
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,800
Or struggling wi' bein' pished?

15
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,440
Where are ye gaun?

16
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,440
Eh, Clansman.
Know where that is?

17
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,720
Aye. Fraser street.
I pass by it all the time.

18
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,080
Aye, so ye dae. Aye.

19
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,240
Oh, aye, on ye get!

20
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,280
Aye, smashing.

21
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,440
Here ye are Isa, pet.

22
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,040
Want me to drop ye
at the bingo tomorrow?

23
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,640
Aye. 11.30?

24
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,160
I'll be there.

25
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,360
Lovely woman, Isa.
Aye, if yer stone deaf. Sorry?

26
00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:08,160
Nuthin'. Clansman. Clansman, aye.

27
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,520
We've won a watch here.

28
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,880
Oh, aye. Think about it, Jack, if
we jumped a taxi, we'd be what...?

29
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:24,520
£2.40? £2.60? £2.80, if they go through
the scheme as they often do! Aye.

30
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,560
20 pence tip, yer up at three quid.

31
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,120
But this...

32
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:31,760
This is a gift!

33
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:36,840
Might be him that's drivin', but it's us
that's takin' the silly bastard for a ride!

34
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,307
That's a bit harsh, is it no'?
I'm only kidding.

35
00:02:39,332 --> 00:02:41,144
We'll slip him a
quid or something.

36
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,120
Here we go.

37
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:54,600
Here, Davie, take this...
Away ye go. Come on.

38
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,120
Oh, all right.

39
00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:01,600
You're some man, Davie. If ever we see
you in the Clansman, we'll get ye a pint.

40
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,640
I'll maybe take ye up on that!

41
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,520
Aye. Every Tuesday for...I dunno.

42
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,160
Eight weeks or so?

43
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,120
Aye, that's great, ideal.

44
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,160
Smashin'.

45
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,040
OK. Thank YOU.

46
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,210
Ho-ho! It's the Two Ronnies.
We're the Two Ronnies noo.

47
00:03:25,215 --> 00:03:27,620
Well, it's shut up
ya prick from me...

48
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,480
And it's shut up ya prick from him!

49
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,000
LAUGHTER

50
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,880
Two lager.

51
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,360
Make it three. Hello, Winston.

52
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,280
Oh!

53
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:41,320
Should youse two no' be
sittin' doon? Eh?

54
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,280
I'm just sayin'... Shut up.
We heard ye. What ye sayin'?

55
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:49,320
I'm talkin' to the two old pensioners
that just got aff the Dial-A-Bus!

56
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,760
What of it? If we got a taxi...

57
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,200
Ye'd step oot a taxi
wi' yer dignity intact.

58
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:58,200
But the Dial-A-Bus is
for decrepit auld dafties!

59
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,160
No, it isnae. That's plenty.
Winston's right, Victor.

60
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:05,800
Have you looked at the faces on that
bus? Nothin' going on but the rent.

61
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:10,000
"Oh, we're on the Dial-A-Bus!
We're on the Dial-A-Bus! Ho-ho-ho!"

62
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,920
See if you look above the driver?
There's a destination.

63
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,520
It says "crematorium"!

64
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,640
Shut up! It's a bus
like any other bloody bus!

65
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,745
No, it isn't. It's a
nicely-painted coffin on wheels.

66
00:04:20,770 --> 00:04:23,160
That's yer first step
to getting planted!

67
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,243
Say what you like.
It's a service.

68
00:04:25,248 --> 00:04:27,901
There's always a service
before the funeral!

69
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,960
You should take a leaf
out of my book.

70
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,560
Get some exercise.

71
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:32,960
Get a bike.

72
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,360
Is that yours, eh?

73
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,080
Aye. Halfords. Ten speed.

74
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,840
I'm getting fit, lads.

75
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,240
Gaunie cycle round the countryside.

76
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,400
Brewery's sending in a temp.

77
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:51,400
I've spent too long stuck in here
festering.

78
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,840
Breathin' in your second-hand smoke.

79
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,600
Good luck tae ye.

80
00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,800
Aye, very nice indeed.

81
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,080
Only wan thing missing -
a wee bell.

82
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:06,040
Or ye should get
a wee set of streamers.

83
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,160
Course, that bike'll no dae ye.

84
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,555
How? Ye don't want a crossbarthat
goes along like that.

85
00:05:11,580 --> 00:05:13,920
You want one that
goes doon like that.

86
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,040
That way when you get off it
ye'll no' hurt yer fanny.

87
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,600
Right, Navid, that's the van
all gassed up. Thanks, Tam.

88
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,160
What?
Why are you awkwardly lingering?

89
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:36,600
Am I? Oh, aye. I've changed my mind.
We're not going cash and carry the day.

90
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,960
Aw, Navid!
That's whit I filled the van up for.

91
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:44,880
I've been looking forward to this.
Could barely sleep last night!

92
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,520
What an empty, hollow,
dull, miserable life you lead, Tam,

93
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:53,040
that you could get such a boner at the
thought of going to the cash and carry!

94
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,000
We'll go Tuesday.

95
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,920
Oh, Navid. Ye've made my day.

96
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,440
Ooh, the free samples!

97
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,720
Ah'm coming tae get ye!

98
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,302
Saturday. Finest day of the week.
I love a Saturday.

99
00:06:15,307 --> 00:06:17,780
What are we daein' the day?
Museum of Transport?

100
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,680
Aye, we enjoy the transport museum.

101
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,840
Or I've got a couple of books needing taken
back to the library. I'm due a new book.

102
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,720
I'm needin a battery for this watch.
We could hit the high street. Aye, Aye.

103
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,640
Oh, fitba match. Oh, the match!
We've no' done that for a while.

104
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,160
Get a pint? Aye, pint. C'mon!

105
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,480
Och, is that the rain?

106
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,520
Och, it's a thought, walkin'
doon to the Clansman in that.

107
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,400
We could aways get that Dial-A-Bus.

108
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,720
Naw. Let's not start getting intae that.
Shanks's pony, that's what keeps us fit!

109
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,080
Aye. Got tae keep walkin'. We're
auld, but we're no' that auld!

110
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,600
We're a far cry from getting lifted
and laid in some special bus!

111
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,520
Here's the bus noo. C'mon!
Is it? Good!

112
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:03,240
Doesnae matter what they say,
ye cannot beat a freebie!

113
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:08,280
Too right. But we'll make for our money,
as if we're gaunie pay. Aye, good yin.

114
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,720
Oh, where's Davie?
He's aff. Are youse getting oan?

115
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,600
Day aff, is it?
No. He's aff wi' depression.

116
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:21,720
I cannae imagine what he's got
to be depressed about.

117
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:25,640
Aye. Are youse getting on?
How much is it to the Clansman?

118
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,720
£1.05 each.
50 pence if youse have got cairds.

119
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,720
Huv youse got cairds?

120
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,200
I've left mine on the sideboard...

121
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,680
Victor, where've you left yours?

122
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,880
I've left mine
on the sideboard also.

123
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,440
That's a shame. £1.05 each.

124
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,960
You've got tae have yer cairds on ye.

125
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:47,880
Aye, it'd be the end of the bastarding
world, wouldn't it, if ye let us on, eh?

126
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,680
So where ye headin'?

127
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:59,240
Gaunie go as far past Loch Lomond
as I can. See how I go.

128
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,880
Anythin' else you need to know?
No, no. No worries.

129
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,720
Good, cos it'll no' be that busy.
Never is on a Tuesday.

130
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,760
But listen, see the regulars?

131
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:10,600
They can be sarcastic bastards,
so don't take any pish aff them.

132
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,320
I never dae.

133
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,080
Hello, Bobby Boy.

134
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,080
You look like a prize wanker.

135
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,320
Where are ye, ya bastard?

136
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:26,960
Ah, bingo!

137
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,000
Ooh!

138
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,760
What's this, ma darlin'?
Nut Nuggies.

139
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,000
Nut Nuggies?

140
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,680
I'll try one of them.

141
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,720
Oh...peanut butter, is it?

142
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:59,360
Yes. Wrapped in chocolate
with almond flakes. Oh...

143
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,920
Smashin'.

144
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,720
I own a chain of grocery stores,
you see.

145
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,480
I do a lot of buying...sampling.

146
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,160
Could I...? Of course!

147
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,680
That's smashing.

148
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,480
BIRDS ARE SINGING

149
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,080
Thanks, cheers.

150
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,760
HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY

151
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,320
Hello?

152
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,200
Hello, son.

153
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:53,680
You the temp frae the brewery? Yes.
I'm Matt. Good. I'm Harvey Gallagher.

154
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,000
I'm the owner.

155
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,280
I thought Bobby was the owner.

156
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,400
Boaby telt ye that, did he?

157
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,640
No, Boaby WISHES he was the owner.

158
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,596
Nae offence, son, I've caught
him saying that before,

159
00:10:05,621 --> 00:10:07,864
tryin' tae get his
hole aff the lassies.

160
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,600
I'm the owner. Boaby's ma manager.
See? Right.

161
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,760
Boaby the owner!

162
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:19,560
See when I get a haud of him, he's
gaunie get chased aff that bike.

163
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,800
Oh, thanks for that lift
the other night, Eric. Lift?

164
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:27,040
Aye. Lift. Ye know? Oh aye, lift!

165
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,600
Gie Eric a hauf, will ye, son?

166
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,360
Mmm. They're very moreish.

167
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,800
I don't know what my customers
would make of them.

168
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,280
D'ye think I could...?

169
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,760
Sadie! The godmother tae ma son!

170
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,520
Put yer purse away, hen,
yer money's nae good here.

171
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,880
You'll find a lot of people in here
generally drink for free.

172
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,480
I just don't know
how I turn a profit!

173
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,000
Take a drink, Matt.

174
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,040
I don't really like to... Pish!

175
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:08,000
We always have a good drink on
a Tuesday. That right, Eric? Aye!

176
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,040
Gie Jack and Victor a phone.
Tell 'em tae get doon here...

177
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,600
Ye'll like Jack and Victor.
Good pals of mine.

178
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,360
They like a drink, tae.
They saved my life one time!

179
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,440
Aye, pulled me oot the canal.

180
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:21,600
And...

181
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:27,120
...I'll also be getting rid of
my stack of hard-core porny books.

182
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,120
I've read them all noo anyway
and...

183
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,000
I'm getting too old
for the chugging.

184
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,920
Sweet mother of God!

185
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,640
I'm really glad you came to help,
Tam. Ya greedy bastard.

186
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,280
How many did you eat?

187
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,240
20? 25?

188
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,400
I don't remember pulling Winston
out any canal, do you?

189
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,120
Naw.

190
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,200
You'd remember a thing like that.

191
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,720
Mind you, I like the sound
of the free drink.

192
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,160
Where's this bus?

193
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,480
That's us Dial-A-Bus junkies noo.
It's only spittin'.

194
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,680
To be fair, Jack, we've walked
all the way from the lift.

195
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,120
Aye, that's plenty. Hello,
youse two. Jesus, Isa!

196
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,960
Where are youse two off tae?

197
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,520
We're goin' for a pint.

198
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,800
Oh, here we go.

199
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,440
Oh, Davie! I thought you were aff.

200
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,560
I was, but I'm back noo.
Depression, wasn't it? Aye.

201
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,960
Ma boy Colin had that.
Terrible thing.

202
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,800
S.A.D. they called it.
Cos of the lack of daylight.

203
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:41,200
Turns oot aw we had tae dae was
buy him a big lamp... Isa! Get oan!

204
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,040
How ye daein', son? Fine.

205
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,560
That's £3.15 Eh?

206
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:50,640
That's £2.10 for youse
and £1.05 for...her.

207
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,520
I don't think that fella
should be back at his work.

208
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:13,600
It's no' like him. He never charges me.
He didnae charge you, he charged us!

209
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,840
He's normally gabby.

210
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,560
Gab, gab, gab.
Ye cannae shut him up!

211
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,720
Aye, it's great i'n't it?

212
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,800
Pick me up. Drop me.

213
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,200
Pick me up! Drop me.

214
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:30,800
Fancy a donut, boys?

215
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,320
Aye, ah will.

216
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,840
ENGINE REVS

217
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,960
Awright there, Davie? Awright?

218
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,960
I'm better than awright,
thanks for askin'.

219
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,800
I'm Jim-dandy. Brand new.

220
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,880
Happy to be driving. Mr Dial-A-Bus!

221
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,960
Will you take a donut, Davie?

222
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,480
Donut?

223
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,320
No, thanks very much,
pleasure for asking, but no.

224
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,360
NO THANK YOU!

225
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:09,760
Um, Davie, you should've took
a left there for the Clansman, son.

226
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,280
Left is it? Is it left?
C'mere and I'll show ye a left.

227
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:16,080
TYRES SCREECH

228
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:22,120
Hello.

229
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,480
Hello. What can I get
for you today?

230
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,520
I'll have a pint of lager, please.

231
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,400
Lisa, a pint of lager
for our guest, please.

232
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:35,160
A bit of cycling? Aye.
Got a new bike.

233
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:40,560
Must say, never even knew there
was a pub here. It's very nice.

234
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,160
Thanks. Aye, we get
a lovely mix of customers.

235
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:49,280
People passing by like yerself
and a healthy band of regulars.

236
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,360
Here's a couple now.

237
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,600
Ho-ho! It's the Two Ronnies!

238
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,760
Ye've got us there.
Two Ronnies. That's a belter, eh?

239
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,480
We've nae comeback tae that.

240
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:04,320
Every time we come in here,
ye've got a new one!

241
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,080
That's us put in wur place!

242
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,920
Two lager, please. Two lager, Lisa.

243
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,440
What is it you do, yourself?

244
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,640
I'm a lawyer.

245
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,160
Davie. Whit you daein'?
Where are we gaun?

246
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,560
Never you mind where I'm gaun!

247
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,960
It's a magical mystery tour!

248
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,080
# Come o-o-on...

249
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,360
# The magical mystery tour

250
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,480
# Is coming to take you away

251
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,520
# Coming to take you away,
toda-a-ay! #

252
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,600
Maybe he's just takin' us
somewhere nice for a wee change.

253
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,440
Aye, or maybe he's as crazy
as a shithoose rat!

254
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,240
Look in the mirror.
It's aw in the eyes there.

255
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:50,200
Davie, are ye taking us away
somewhere nice for a change?

256
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,600
John, Paul, George, Ringo!

257
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,440
Two down, two to go!

258
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:55,920
Okey-dokey then.

259
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,760
That's it. We're in trouble.

260
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:01,400
Thomas the Tank Engine,
Thomas the Tank Engine.

261
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:05,400
Idiot! That's me!
Thomas the Tank Engine!

262
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,400
Look at him! Look at those eyes!

263
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,200
Oh, they're yellow eyes, them!

264
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,440
He's got custard eyes!
# Custard eyes! #

265
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,040
One custard eye!

266
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,440
Haw! Sammy Davis!
Pay the puppeteer the money!

267
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,120
He's earned it!

268
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,760
That was ma stop!
That's the bingo there.

269
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,400
He's away past ma stop!

270
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,920
Listen, ye halfwit!
We've been kidnapped! Hijacked!

271
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,200
I canny be hijacked the day.
I've got the bingo!

272
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,400
Eyes down. Six cards. Gotta keep
ahead of the caller! Bingo!

273
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,040
I don't think ye're gaunie make
the bingo the day, son. C'mere.

274
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,640
Davie's gone off his nut. We're
gaunie have tae overpower him.

275
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,720
Aye, overpower him, good idea.
He's no' gaunie stop.

276
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,440
That's right. We've got
to get control of the bus!

277
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,360
Need to get to a cop station. Aye.

278
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,080
Good luck, Jack. Thanks.

279
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,480
Good luck for what?
You used to box!

280
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,680
Aye, years ago when I was a boy!

281
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,120
Bloody amateur! On ye go!

282
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,109
Right, I'll go and box
his ears for him

283
00:17:05,114 --> 00:17:07,660
while you sit back here wi'
yer thumbs up yer arses!

284
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,920
We've got to go thegither.
Strength in numbers.

285
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,840
Like the Raid On Entebbe.
Attack him.

286
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,480
Overpower him. Surprise him.
The mistake they made that day...

287
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,240
That's plenty.

288
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,480
We've got tae sneak up thegither.

289
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,840
Isa, have you got
anything heavy in yer bag?

290
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,040
Aye, I've got an electricity bill.

291
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,560
That was £140!

292
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,720
Tae hit 'em wi!

293
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,960
Naw. Right.
It's back to the mitts, then.

294
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,560
Stay low.
Keep out of his line of sight.

295
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:40,600
Get yer haun o'er his mooth like the SAS.
Then we'll jump him! Good luck!

296
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:45,760
What ye bloody grinning aboot? I
just cannae wait tae tell everybody!

297
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:48,800
No!

298
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,600
No!

299
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,080
Right, noo!

300
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,040
Not tonight, Josephine!
TYRES SCREECH

301
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,040
Oh, I'm feeling much better, Navid.

302
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,240
Glad to hear it.

303
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,040
Can I have a Curly Wurly?

304
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,520
Can you buggery! C'mon. I'm hungry.

305
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,640
Shut up, you greedy dick.
You've just puked your lungs up.

306
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,440
There's Tam and Navid!

307
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,360
What'll we dae? Write something
on the windae! Isa, gimme yer lippy.

308
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,720
What'll we write?

309
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:42,200
"Help Us"?
Ye've to write backwards. Aye!

310
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,320
So "Us" goes before "Help".

311
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,240
Does it? Aye and the "S"
is backwards.

312
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,680
What does "shlep" mean?

313
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:08,400
It is to move doggedly.
Run about like a lapdog.

314
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,560
Like a crappy servant. You.

315
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,040
Away ya go, ya cheeky bastards!

316
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,280
Get that paper, Jack!
Let them see "Alert"!

317
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,840
Good!

318
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,560
Hearts 1, Aberdeen 0.

319
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:31,640
Other way, ya haufwit!

320
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,200
Right, OK.

321
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,800
"Alert"?

322
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,440
Alert? They're in trouble, Tam.

323
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,840
Pull in behind them and
we'll follow them for a minute.

324
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,520
Winston! Ah, Eric. Some day, eh?

325
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,120
It's like bein' gied the keys
tae the candy store. Ah know.

326
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,960
But Boaby's gaunie go aff his nut!

327
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,040
Don't you worry aboot Boaby.
You leave Boaby tae me.

328
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,720
It's Jack and Victor
I'm mair worried aboot. How?

329
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,080
That was an hour ago I telt them
to get their arses down here

330
00:20:12,105 --> 00:20:14,320
for some free drink.
Still no' showed up.

331
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,640
That's no' like them.

332
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,880
Here, maybe their Dial-A-Bus
has got a flat tyre.

333
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,000
Are ye sure ye know what
you're doin' here, Winston?

334
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,000
Listen, Boaby's no'
back in here tae the morra.

335
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,800
Even if that boy was tae say,
"The boss was in."

336
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,880
"What boss?" "Harvey Gallagher."

337
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:36,040
Boaby would spend a week chasing his tail
looking for someone that doesnae exist.

338
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,200
Besides, it's hardly
the crime of the century.

339
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,480
A couple of free drinks
for a couple of friends.

340
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:45,600
# Well, now go! Walk out the door!

341
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:50,720
# Just turn around now,
cos you're not welcome any more

342
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,480
# Aren't you the one
who tried to hurt me with goodbyes?

343
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,400
# But I'll survive
I will survive... #

344
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,280
Why are they stopping? Don't know.

345
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,160
ENGINE REVS

346
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,000
Oh, shit! Oh, no!

347
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,040
REVERSING TONE BEEPS

348
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,640
The stock!

349
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,320
My stock!

350
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:43,200
No-o-o-o-o-o!

351
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,560
BIRDSONG

352
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,520
ENGINE ROARS

353
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,440
# No need to stop for gas

354
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,680
# I'm all gassed up

355
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,560
# I am the gasman. Nee-noo!

356
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,360
# I am the gasman. #

357
00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:01,240
The gasman cometh! See gas?
I am the gastronaut!

358
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:02,800
I'll take you to the moon.

359
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,400
# Pack yer bags,
we'll be home soon! #

360
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,600
No going back! I'll never go back,
they will not take me, no!

361
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,640
Don't look back,
shouldn't look back!

362
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,400
No need to look back.
No need for you!

363
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,560
CACKLES MANICALLY

364
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,640
Well, at least he's calming doon
a bit, eh?

365
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:23,200
Oh my God. Where the hell are we?

366
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,800
Cannae see for sure, Isa. Think
we're aboot haufway up shit street.

367
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,040
I've got an idea.

368
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,880
Isa, you're a wummin, right?

369
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,343
Aye. This is what tae dae.

370
00:22:32,368 --> 00:22:35,720
Go up to him while he's driving
and come over all wumminy.

371
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:37,000
Sexy. Turn him oan.

372
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,840
Turn him oan? Get him goin'.

373
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,119
Just say, "Look, Davie, why don't
we pull in somewhere quiet

374
00:22:42,144 --> 00:22:43,600
and we can have some nooky!

375
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,280
"You can see ma diddees!"
That's shite.

376
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,440
Got tae go in heavier than that.

377
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,040
Offer him one of them, eh...
What d'ye call them?

378
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,360
Blow jobbies.

379
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,320
It's a gobble ye call that.

380
00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,680
You got a better idea?
Here, oot ma way!

381
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,120
Please remain seated
while the bus is in motion!

382
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:24,120
Motion, motion, calamine lotion!

383
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,960
Hello, Davie.

384
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,480
Ye big handsome thing, ye!

385
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:35,160
I was wondering... if ye'd like to pull
in and get a cup of tea somewhere.

386
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,200
Mibbe a sco-o-o-ne...

387
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,480
or a sausage roll...

388
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,840
Sexy! But no!

389
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,280
But I need a pish!

390
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,960
We could stop.

391
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,120
I could pish and you could...

392
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,200
...watch me.

393
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,520
Oh!

394
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:10,920
Oh, Jeez-o!

395
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,040
Isa! Shut the doors!

396
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,000
Open the door, eh?

397
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,760
No way, ya crackpot!

398
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:33,000
I dunno what happened back there
but I'm sorry. I'm fine now.

399
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,280
Yer arse, ya doolally bastard!

400
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,720
Can we at least talk about this?
Sit down and talk?

401
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,440
I saw a pub back there.

402
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,120
There ye are. Ta.

403
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,440
Feelin' a bit better?

404
00:24:55,440 --> 00:25:01,680
Aye, thanks. Eh...I just shouldnae
huv come back to ma work so soon.

405
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,440
Ma maw's not been well.

406
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,280
I've been driving the bus, then
going up to hers every night.

407
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,320
Cook her a wee meal,

408
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,360
but she'll no touch it.

409
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,640
The only thing she wants is...

410
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,720
donuts.

411
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,000
Got to be from Gregg's.

412
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,520
She's like a wee parrot!

413
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:24,960
"Where's ma donuts?
Where's ma donuts, ya lazy bastard!"

414
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:29,160
I didnae realise
the toll it was taking on me.

415
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,600
That's all very well, but...

416
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,400
we were all terrified!

417
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,920
Aye, I'm really sorry.

418
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,440
Gaunie call the cops?

419
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,160
I suppose everyone's entitled
to one mistake.

420
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,200
But listen, Davie,

421
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:53,720
you get back and have a rest. You'll
feel better after a wee break.

422
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,680
Aye, I'm sure I will.

423
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,880
Nice shop this, eh, Boaby?

424
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,920
Aye. If ye like that sort of thing.

425
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,160
# I did it my way... #

426
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:10,720
Some chanter, Eric!

427
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,960
Some chanter!

428
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:16,600
# Regrets, I've had a few

429
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:22,840
# but then again,
too few to mention...

430
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:29,120
# I did
what I had to do-o-o-o-oo... #

431
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,960
Sure yer gaunie be all right?

432
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,840
Fine thanks, Isa. I'll just
get this back to the depot.

433
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:48,120
Get a few hours' sleep. Hopefully
see ye in a week or two, eh?

434
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,720
Go, go, go! Drive! Drive!

435
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:51,480
Where?

436
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,040
Anywhere, ya donut!

437
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:54,560
Donut?

438
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:57,880
Donut!

439
00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,840
HE REVS ENGINE

440
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,680
# The magical mystery tour

441
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,480
# is coming to take you away

442
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,920
# to-da-a-a-ay! #

443
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,200
HE SNIFFS

444
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,560
Bubbalicious. 25p.

445
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:43,000
HE SNIFFS AGAIN

446
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,360
Snickers. 40p.

447
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:48,720
Hmmm...

448
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:54,000
I don't even have to smell
your breath. Cheesy Wotsits. 25p.

449
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,480
Sorry about this, Mr Harrid.

450
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,200
These things happen.
Kids will be kids.

451
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:07,280
HE SNIFFS

452
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,920
You dirty bastard.

453
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,080
Poppets. 30 pence.