1
00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:34,940
Am I a movie star? Haan.

2
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,780
Am I male? Haan.

3
00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:42,214
Do I ride a horse? Haan.
Is it a white horse? Mm.

4
00:00:42,239 --> 00:00:45,580
Do I have an unquenching
thirst for revenge? Mm.

5
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:48,300
Am I an angry orphan with a
quiet brooding and internal sadness

6
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:51,625
that when triggered by
the right circumstances

7
00:00:51,630 --> 00:00:53,960
erupts in a frightening rage?
Ha.

8
00:00:53,980 --> 00:00:57,900
Am I the sensational
Amitabh Bachchan in Zanjeer? Mm.

9
00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:59,020
Get it up you!

10
00:00:59,020 --> 00:01:01,380
I got it in...seven.

11
00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:03,820
Seven questions, Meena.

12
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:06,940
It's supposed to be 20 questions,
but I never need 20.

13
00:01:06,940 --> 00:01:10,100
I can do it in 7!
That's got to be a record.

14
00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:13,980
I don't want to play with
you any mair, Meena. Huh?

15
00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:16,830
Cos you are shite at it!
You are a diddy!

16
00:01:16,855 --> 00:01:20,020
You took 58 questions
to get to Indira Ghandi.

17
00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:23,300
Brainless bastard!
I retire. Champeen!

18
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,420
Can I help you, gentlemen?

19
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:32,060
I don't think so, no.

20
00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:33,620
How is that?

21
00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:37,340
Well, for a start, your fruit
and veg don't look too healthy.

22
00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:40,100
Your potatoes are starting to sprout.

23
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,660
Oh, is that right?
Well, here's what to do.

24
00:01:43,660 --> 00:01:46,700
Piss off to the Asda and get all
the fresh fruit and veg you like.

25
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:49,900
Sorry. We're getting off on
the wrong foot here, Mr Harrid.

26
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:54,500
My name is Donald Weir,
I'm from Spire Stores.

27
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:56,660
We were looking at shops
in the Craiglang area

28
00:01:56,660 --> 00:01:59,500
with a view to bringing one
of them into the Spire family.

29
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,220
Spire?!

30
00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:03,860
Putting the "U" in produce...

31
00:02:03,860 --> 00:02:05,780
Gentlemen.

32
00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:07,340
Accept my apologies.

33
00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,180
Meena, ya arsehole!

34
00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:14,871
I told you to chuck all that
shitey stuff out yesterday

35
00:02:14,896 --> 00:02:17,980
and replace it with fresh
inviting tasty stuff!

36
00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:19,220
She is new.

37
00:02:21,820 --> 00:02:23,500
Know what I fancy?

38
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:25,140
What would that be?

39
00:02:25,140 --> 00:02:28,100
A game of darts.

40
00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:31,220
Oooh, Mr Jarvis.
The gauntlet is down once again!

41
00:02:31,220 --> 00:02:33,580
Oh, yes! The gauntlet is down.

42
00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:38,460
Furthermore, beside it,
I place one shiny golden nugget!

43
00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:40,220
And there is mine to match it!

44
00:02:40,220 --> 00:02:44,220
Indeed, a king's ransom!
Barkeep! Fetcheth the arrows!

45
00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:46,100
That patter's pish.

46
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,940
Shuteth up, ya prick,
and give us the darts!

47
00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:50,780
Sir, approacheth the ocky!

48
00:02:57,860 --> 00:03:00,860
Stand back, sir,
so that I might take aim!

49
00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:03,380
Oneth ye go. Besteth of luck.

50
00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:05,060
Naneth danger!

51
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,700
Gie's a look at it.

52
00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:14,700
Easy, Arthur. It was an accident!
Jack didnae mean it!

53
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:18,700
With respect, Arthur,
you've got plenty of paddin'.

54
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:22,820
Ye'll no' even feel this.
Is it oot? Aye, that's it oot.

55
00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:33,740
Bobby. Get me a half. Quick.
Ye awright?

56
00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:36,580
Aye I'm awright.
I'm better than awright.

57
00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:40,580
Look out your guid suits, boys!
Who's deid noo? Naebody.

58
00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:44,100
It's a weddin'.
Tam is marrying the librarian.

59
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:48,580
To what? To who? Calm yer beans,
owl boy! "To what? To who?"

60
00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:51,100
That Frances one?

61
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,860
Aye. Aye, they've been gaun aboot
thegither for a wee while noo.

62
00:03:54,860 --> 00:04:00,220
Aye well, guid luck to him. Good luck
to her wi' that tight-arsed bastard!

63
00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:03,460
So when's the do?
Gie him a chance, Eric.

64
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,300
He's only just telt
me there the noo.

65
00:04:05,325 --> 00:04:08,060
He's on his way over to the
library to pop the question!

66
00:04:08,060 --> 00:04:14,540
I'd like to see that! Aye, so would I.
Ooh, that's lovely! I'd love to see that!

67
00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:20,100
Listen tae youse! That's terrible
that. That's an intimate thing that!

68
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:24,020
You cannae just go chargin'
ower there.

69
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:27,460
It's a private situation.

70
00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:32,660
In a public building.
Drink up! Drink up.

71
00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:44,000
What's up wi' you?
Eh?

72
00:04:44,025 --> 00:04:48,044
Ye've been sitting there wi' that book
open at the one page for twenty minutes.

73
00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:52,260
Well, you could say I'm preoccupied.

74
00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:54,140
Oh, aye. Wi' what?

75
00:04:56,460 --> 00:04:59,300
Frances. The librarian.

76
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:03,940
We've been
seein' each other for a wee while.

77
00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:08,060
I'm gonnae ask her to marry me.

78
00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:12,500
That's grand. Good for you, son.
I love tae see that.

79
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,140
So is this you plucking up the
courage?

80
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:18,260
Aye. I'm pickin' ma moment here.

81
00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:20,267
I used tae be a fireman.
Oh, aye?

82
00:05:20,272 --> 00:05:23,080
I met my wife in the station.
She worked there.

83
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:27,420
Took me a year to work up the courage
to ask her to marry me. 50 years noo.

84
00:05:27,420 --> 00:05:28,940
Smashin'.

85
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:32,540
Nice looking girl, that.

86
00:05:33,740 --> 00:05:36,780
Aye. Mousy type.

87
00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:40,020
Quiet. Probably roars like a bear
when she comes.

88
00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:41,500
Aye.

89
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:45,420
EH?! Roooooaaaaaar!

90
00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:48,900
Just sayin', that's the type!

91
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:51,660
Ye've tae watch the quiet ones!

92
00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:03,860
Frances. Hello, darlin'.

93
00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:08,900
Frances...I've been thinking...

94
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:12,740
You and I have been going out
a couple of years noo. Yes?

95
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:17,700
And they say...two can live
as cheaply as one. They do indeed.

96
00:06:17,700 --> 00:06:19,820
You're rattlin'
about in that big flat...

97
00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:22,060
and I'm rattlin' aboot in ma hoose.

98
00:06:22,060 --> 00:06:23,580
Uh-huh?

99
00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:27,300
Well...I was wondering...

100
00:06:32,020 --> 00:06:34,980
I was wondering if... Will...

101
00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:39,820
Will you marry me?

102
00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:42,820
Yes, Tam. I'll marry you.

103
00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:44,460
CHEERING

104
00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:47,540
Aw, fur fu... Ssshh!

105
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:49,300
What time does Isa start? Ten.

106
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:53,300
What is it noo? Ten tae ten.
That's good.

107
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:58,740
That gies us ten minutes to tell Navid
aboot Tam before Isa gets in there.

108
00:06:58,740 --> 00:07:02,380
I love sticking it to
that gabby bastard. Navid!

109
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:06,860
Gentlemen! Wait till you hear this!
Yes. This is indeed a belter!

110
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,340
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hold that thought. ...Isa?

111
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:12,980
Hello?

112
00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:14,980
Tam?! Jesus!

113
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:20,340
Married at his age. Quality!

114
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:23,660
Anyway. What were you saying?
Disnae matter.

115
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:29,100
Saw youse running away in front of
me there. Cannae have that!

116
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,940
Bastard!

117
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:43,380
Jesus! What's goin' on here? I'm
joining the Spire chain.

118
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,840
I didnae have ye doon
as a sell-oot, Navid.

119
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,580
What d'ye mean sell-oot?
Hookin' up with Mr Big.

120
00:07:48,580 --> 00:07:51,380
A' they shops are the same!

121
00:07:51,380 --> 00:07:54,460
I liked it the way you had it.
You knew where everything was.

122
00:07:54,460 --> 00:07:56,620
Spire shops are a' faceless.

123
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,260
Your shop had...I don't know...

124
00:07:59,260 --> 00:08:01,780
personality. Aye. It was personal.

125
00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:05,340
Personally, I couldn't give a rat's
arse. This is about acceptance.

126
00:08:05,340 --> 00:08:09,100
It's a graduation. To know
that I'm not a wee daft shop.

127
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:12,100
But a shop worthy of the Spire name.

128
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:16,700
Look at me. You are looking at a man
who is now eligible

129
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:21,580
for a Lottery machine! Oh, that's
good, right enough. Intit great?

130
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:24,660
It'll be like working
in one o' yer big supermarkets.

131
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:27,420
They're gonnae tile the flair.

132
00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:29,424
Tiles are a lot nicer tae mop.

133
00:08:29,449 --> 00:08:33,500
And do you know what they gie ye?
Do you know? What's that?

134
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:38,460
One of they big yellow plastic things
that says, "Caution. Wet floor."

135
00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:40,402
So as ye don't fall on yer arse.

136
00:08:40,407 --> 00:08:43,840
One of they yellow things
that you can move about? Aye!

137
00:08:43,860 --> 00:08:50,140
And ye just leave it there till that bit's
dry then you move it to the next bit! Aye!

138
00:08:50,140 --> 00:08:55,100
Like a triangular, pyramid shape?
Are youse takin' the piss noo?

139
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,940
Aye.

140
00:08:56,940 --> 00:09:02,820
That'll be the last of that, Mr Harrid.
What? Selling adult magazines.

141
00:09:02,820 --> 00:09:07,540
Spire do not trade in pornographic
material. Aw. That's too bad.

142
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,460
Still. Out with the old...

143
00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:13,780
Congratulations, Mr Wilson.

144
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:18,860
You are the last person
to buy wank mags from my shop.

145
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:29,420
Oh, here we go. Rod Hull and Emu.
Oh, that's a cracker, aye.

146
00:09:29,420 --> 00:09:33,660
We've got mair chance of getting
wur hand up a bird than you have!

147
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,740
Two pints, ya prick!

148
00:09:36,540 --> 00:09:38,380
Jack, Victor!

149
00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:40,380
How's yer plans comin' along, Tam?

150
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:44,220
Good, aye. The registry's booked,
so keep Friday free.

151
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:47,180
There'll be ten of us.
That's if youse are comin'.

152
00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:48,860
Of course we're comin'.

153
00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:52,300
Are you goin' a wee honeymoon? No.
Back to ma hoose.

154
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:56,180
Smashin'. I've heard
it's lovely this time of year.

155
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,211
What aboot grub?
Ye've gottae huv a do.

156
00:09:58,216 --> 00:10:01,440
I'm no puttin' on ma good tie
unless I'm getting gravy doon it.

157
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:06,020
He cannae decide between the
Labour Club or here at the Clansman.

158
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:09,020
The Labour Club
is looking for 4.50 a head.

159
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:13,220
Whereas Boabby, for pie and beans,
is looking for a pound a head.

160
00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:17,620
Oh, well, you've made your mind up
already, haven't you?

161
00:10:17,620 --> 00:10:21,660
Pie and beans all round in the
convivial atmosphere of the Clansman.

162
00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:25,460
Very glam, Tam. Who's doin' yer
cake? Gregg's the Bakers?

163
00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:29,140
No, that would cost money.
Isa's makin it.

164
00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:34,540
On to more serious matters.
The appointing of a best man.

165
00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:41,260
Victor... Yes, Tam? It's no' you.
How no?! You were a candidate,

166
00:10:41,260 --> 00:10:45,380
but ye're a big bottle merchant. Yer
arse would collapse before the speech.

167
00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:47,860
Rubbish! I tell a smashing joke.

168
00:10:47,860 --> 00:10:49,540
On ye go then.

169
00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:51,300
All right.

170
00:10:53,940 --> 00:10:56,660
My mate Tam, he's so tight fisted...

171
00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:58,820
he dropped a pound note one time

172
00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:01,820
and when
he bent down to pick it up...

173
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:04,180
He dropped a pound COIN one time

174
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:07,620
and it hit him
on the back of the heid...

175
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:10,060
Sit doon, Victor.

176
00:11:11,060 --> 00:11:16,060
Now to Jack. I've known you a long
time, Jack. You certainly have, Tam.

177
00:11:16,060 --> 00:11:18,620
But it's no' you. Oh, Jesus!

178
00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:23,300
You drag the arse oot of everything. We'd
be deid by the time you finished talking.

179
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,100
You're a cheeky bastard!

180
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:27,140
The floor is yours. Away ye go.

181
00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:31,740
Right...em...

182
00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:37,100
unaccustomed... What do they say?
Unaccustomed as I am

183
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:39,220
to...

184
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,980
Och, I've bored masel' there!

185
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,900
So it's Boabby!

186
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:50,260
I am no' doing the pies
for any less than a pound a head!

187
00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:53,940
The natural choice is Winston!

188
00:11:53,940 --> 00:11:57,300
Fourth, eh?
Jeezo. I'm flattered. Fourth!

189
00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,820
Actually ye're fifth. He asked me
but I telt him tae piss aff.

190
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,860
Well, in spite of masel',
I'm honoured.

191
00:12:02,860 --> 00:12:07,220
What exactly are the duties of the best
man at a miserable bastard's weddin'?

192
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:09,820
Well, apart from the speech,
you look efter the ring.

193
00:12:10,820 --> 00:12:16,700
That's a guid one! Winston looking
efter Tam's ring. Winston... Tam's...

194
00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:20,940
...ring. Huv ye got the ring?

195
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:23,340
Aye. Gie's a look at it.

196
00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:27,980
Is that an auld ring?
Aye, it's an auld ring.

197
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:30,620
It's his auld weddin' ring!
Ya dirty bastard!

198
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:34,370
A ring's a ring. A bit of
Duraglit - it'll be brand new.

199
00:12:34,395 --> 00:12:37,660
You want me to hand over
to you and your new wife

200
00:12:37,660 --> 00:12:43,420
an auld ring that yer ex-wife threw at you
for shagging some lassie off the buses?

201
00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:50,100
A ring is an unbroken circle,
Winston. It has no history. No story.

202
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,520
It does if I tell Frances!
I'm no daein' that.

203
00:12:52,525 --> 00:12:55,280
Winston's right. A weddin'
ring's an important thing.

204
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:59,860
Get yer arse doon that high street
and buy a new ring, ya carpetbagger!

205
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:02,500
Where's the sentiment, ya shitpot?

206
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:07,020
Tam. I'm glad I found you.
This best man thing, I cannae dae it.

207
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:10,740
I've tae go down the social
on Friday morning.

208
00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:18,100
Are we buying individual gifts or
are we clubbing? Definitely club.

209
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:20,940
Cot it'll no cost us a thing.
How d'ye mean?

210
00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:24,340
The gift we're giein' him, Jack,
is a gift in kind!

211
00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:29,300
A favour. We're gonnae video
his weddin' for him.

212
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:33,220
Oh, aye, aye. That'll get us
aff the hook, right enough.

213
00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:37,300
Just go down tae Curry's and rent
a video machine or whatever?

214
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:40,180
What ye talkin' aboot? I've got one.

215
00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:42,860
Ach! So ye huv, aye! Go and get it.

216
00:13:42,860 --> 00:13:47,620
Hello, Winston! Away in.
I'll be back in a sec.

217
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:50,380
What a palaver that wis! Oh, aye?

218
00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:54,202
That tight bastard tried to
buy a silver ring at 16 quid.

219
00:13:54,227 --> 00:13:57,300
Said he was gonnae tell
her it was white gold!

220
00:13:57,300 --> 00:14:01,340
"See if you don't get your haun in
your pocket, I'll knock you out!"

221
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,180
And did he? Aye. A nice one tae.

222
00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:06,580
Gold. 18 carat.

223
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:11,740
Oh, boy. That must huv burnt him.
Aye.

224
00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:15,500
He was nearly greetin'.
Shakin' and everything.

225
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:18,700
Howdy doody, boys!
Say hello, you're on Candid Camera!

226
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:21,780
Hello! That's the bollocks, that,
intit?

227
00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:25,140
Aye, that's brilliant.
What ye daein' wi' that?

228
00:14:25,140 --> 00:14:27,820
We're gonnae do Tam a weddin' video.

229
00:14:27,820 --> 00:14:33,060
How long huv ye had that? I dunno.
A couple of year. It's the JVC Handycam.

230
00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:39,700
CAMERA CRASHES ONTO TABLE

231
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:41,500
It's a handy wee thing, that.

232
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:48,100
How are ye gettin' on
with your speech? Aye, good.

233
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:51,980
What was the name of the street
Tam was brought up in?

234
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:54,340
Oh, aye. Brogan Street.

235
00:14:54,340 --> 00:14:56,820
What d'you make of that?

236
00:14:57,220 --> 00:15:00,420
Ooh, that's lovely.
What is that, gold?

237
00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:03,020
Aye, 18 carat.

238
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:06,260
Dae that thing.

239
00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:09,460
Aw, no... Come on, Jack. It's funny.
Dae it.

240
00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:11,460
Aye, gie's it.

241
00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:14,900
What's going on?
Shut up. Watch this.

242
00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:18,580
On ye go, Jack.
JACK SINGS A JAUNTY TUNE

243
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,740
Where did it go?

244
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:30,700
# Ta-da! #

245
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:35,700
That's brilliant, that. You should
do that on the day. Dae it again.

246
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:42,900
PHONE RINGS

247
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:46,340
Very good. Gimme it.

248
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:50,540
I've swallied it.

249
00:15:50,540 --> 00:15:55,380
Bloody phone.
Hello? Naw, it's Victor.

250
00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:57,700
Hold on. Winston, it's Tam.

251
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:00,740
JACK COUGHS
You all right, Jack?

252
00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:04,620
Hello, Tam.
Aye, Jack's here, an a'.

253
00:16:04,620 --> 00:16:06,740
What did they think of the ring?

254
00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:08,900
Eh...delicious.

255
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:14,660
Aye, I'll see ye in the Clansman.
Turn that bastard thing aff!

256
00:16:22,340 --> 00:16:24,940
MICROWAVE PINGS
Ah, look at that!

257
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:28,500
Two minutes. Hot dog. Ready to go.

258
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,940
You want a hotdog, Meena? No. Good.

259
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:34,580
It's aboot time you lost a bit of
weight off that gut of yours. Isa?

260
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:35,980
Oh, lovely.

261
00:16:38,740 --> 00:16:42,900
That's roastin', that.
I never take a hotdog.

262
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:51,660
Yes, sir. Four Stellas, please.
Aye, nae bother.

263
00:16:55,020 --> 00:16:57,352
Brian Semple.
Spire customer services.

264
00:16:57,357 --> 00:17:00,800
You are not allowed to trade
liquor after ten, Mr Harrid.

265
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,020
But it's only two minutes past ten.

266
00:17:03,020 --> 00:17:07,940
Two minutes PAST ten. If I'd been CID,
Spire would have lost their licence.

267
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:12,500
Gie's another chance. What? I'll put the
cans back, you ask me for them again.

268
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:16,220
Right. Four cans of Stella please.

269
00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:22,580
Four cans of Stella? What kind of
place do you think this is?

270
00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:27,100
This is a Spire store! That sort of
behaviour will not be tolerated!

271
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:31,780
Buy alcohol at a responsible hour!
Not at two minutes past ten!

272
00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:34,420
Now get out, ya alkie bastard!

273
00:17:35,420 --> 00:17:39,700
That's better. Remember, Mr Harrid,
you carry the Spire name now.

274
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:44,060
It is your job to vigorously
protect that brand name. I hear you.

275
00:17:57,020 --> 00:18:00,576
It's a cocktail, Jack.
Olive Oil, white paraffin,

276
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:04,040
castor oil and prune juice.
It's called a jollop.

277
00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:08,916
This is what they gie the horses
when they're no shiteing regular.

278
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,360
This'll blow the
bastard through.

279
00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:17,700
Huv I tae drink it? No, Jack. You rub it on
yer tummy(!) Of course ye've tae drink it.

280
00:18:21,020 --> 00:18:25,620
Ach, I've had Andrews Liver Salts
and two plates of prunes.

281
00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:37,580
That wisnae too bad. Well...?

282
00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:43,020
See when I was a wee boy, see if ever you
were constipated, my grandmother would...

283
00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:44,540
Oh, Jesus!

284
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:54,380
How ye getting on? I've think I've
had a movement, yes.

285
00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:57,500
Is the ring in amongst it?

286
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:59,340
Eh...

287
00:18:59,340 --> 00:19:03,060
I'd have tae sieve through it.
You'll need to help me.

288
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:08,220
Sorry, Jack. I believe it was
John Paul Sartre who said...

289
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:11,340
"Through his ain shite,
a man must wade alone."

290
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:19,420
Where's that ring,
ya bastards? Ssh! Calm doon.

291
00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:23,340
Jack's working on it. You'd
better huv it for the morning!

292
00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:24,980
Winston.

293
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,500
Right, gents...

294
00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:40,900
It's customary at a stag night
to have a wee bit of entertainment,

295
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:46,660
so best of order
and a warm welcome for...Lolita!

296
00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:48,780
MUSIC STARTS

297
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:53,300
You paid for a stripper?!

298
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,500
Who's Tam?

299
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,350
Got a nice frock for
the weddin', Isa?

300
00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:31,560
Aye, I'll run hame and get
changed efter I'm done here.

301
00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:33,020
We're looking forward to it.

302
00:20:35,940 --> 00:20:39,980
At least it gets us oot the shop for
a few hours, ya moanin' faced boot!

303
00:20:42,180 --> 00:20:46,980
About time an' a'.
My arse is freezing here!

304
00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:49,100
Mornin'. Mornin'.

305
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:56,700
Where do I hang my coat?
Well, I'll, eh... Aye, right.

306
00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:59,060
What's this?

307
00:20:59,060 --> 00:21:04,460
I'm Gerry, Mr Harrid. I'll be here
for a couple of weeks. What fur?

308
00:21:04,460 --> 00:21:09,620
Have they no' phoned? You're on probation
cos of the booze and the wet floor.

309
00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:12,540
We have to keep an eye on things.
Where's your jacket?

310
00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:17,020
It's there. I've just took it aff.
We're all going to a weddin'.

311
00:21:17,020 --> 00:21:21,420
Gonnae shut the shop for a couple
of hours. Not the day. Eh?

312
00:21:21,420 --> 00:21:26,060
Spire's policy is to be available
for customers from 7am until 11pm.

313
00:21:26,060 --> 00:21:28,140
Aye, I know but...

314
00:21:28,140 --> 00:21:33,260
No buts. You don't work for yourself
now, Mr Harrid. You work for Spire.

315
00:21:33,260 --> 00:21:35,260
Oh, aye.

316
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:37,060
And you...

317
00:21:37,060 --> 00:21:40,140
don't work for Spire.

318
00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:41,900
What's that, son?

319
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:46,450
Our customer services agent who slipped
and fell on your wet floor in here

320
00:21:46,455 --> 00:21:50,560
could have been a customer and it
could have resulted in a law suit.

321
00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:53,300
I'm afraid that's a sackable offence.

322
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:54,900
That's wrong.

323
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,860
Ye've got soup at 59 pence.

324
00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:02,380
It's 49 pence. And your orange
juice should be on a special.

325
00:22:02,380 --> 00:22:06,940
Dear, oh dear. Now you listen here!
Isa's worked here for 12 years!

326
00:22:06,940 --> 00:22:08,300
12 years, eh?

327
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:11,380
You'll have records, then, Mr Harrid.

328
00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:13,860
She'll be on your books.

329
00:22:13,860 --> 00:22:16,500
Are you on the books? No.

330
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:19,140
Didnae think so.

331
00:22:19,140 --> 00:22:22,660
You canna just walk in here... No.

332
00:22:22,660 --> 00:22:26,380
No, it's all right, Navid.
I'll get ma coat.

333
00:22:26,380 --> 00:22:30,380
I'm probably no' right
for this place noo anyway.

334
00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:41,500
I can see ye're a bit shook up.

335
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,011
That's only natural.
It's always the case

336
00:22:44,036 --> 00:22:47,340
that when we take over a shop
there's teething problems.

337
00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:51,140
People in your position can't adapt
to the changes.

338
00:22:51,140 --> 00:22:54,580
The best thing to remember is
you are no longer you.

339
00:22:54,580 --> 00:22:57,380
You are agent 357.

340
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:03,420
No. No, you're right.

341
00:23:05,780 --> 00:23:10,300
I see what ye're sayin'.
But you know what the problem is?

342
00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:11,660
What's that?

343
00:23:11,660 --> 00:23:14,020
I hate being agent 357.

344
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:28,540
At any time in your life,
it's possible to find love.

345
00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:32,020
For most of us, it comes early.
But for some of us,

346
00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:34,540
it comes a little later.

347
00:23:34,540 --> 00:23:39,940
Marriage in Scotland may either be
religious or civil.

348
00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:43,260
Both are of the same legal standing.

349
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:47,220
And Tam and Frances have chosen...

350
00:23:47,220 --> 00:23:49,700
GRUNTING

351
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:54,460
Jack! Jack! For God's sake.
It's now or never!

352
00:23:54,460 --> 00:23:58,660
STRAINED VOICE: I'm trying!
You're no bloody help! Try harder!

353
00:23:58,660 --> 00:24:02,780
PHRRRBBBTT! >

354
00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:06,900
Bingo!

355
00:24:15,420 --> 00:24:17,180
The ring, please.

356
00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:23,060
Oh, yes. Oh, aye, the ring...

357
00:24:24,460 --> 00:24:27,220
A lovely thing, the ring.

358
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:30,020
A circle of love...
DOOR OPENS

359
00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:37,060
...on your finger. The...the...

360
00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:39,740
loop of long life!

361
00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:43,620
The hoop of happiness! The ring!

362
00:24:46,020 --> 00:24:50,460
# Ring! Ring!
Why don't you give me a call?

363
00:24:50,460 --> 00:24:51,860
# Ring... #

364
00:24:51,860 --> 00:24:54,900
Yes. Quite.
Could we have the ring now, please?

365
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,780
Just a wee speck of dirt.

366
00:25:08,180 --> 00:25:11,740
I now pronounce you man and wife.

367
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:24,580
Boabby! Boabby! Whit?

368
00:25:24,580 --> 00:25:26,740
A lager and a heavy! In a minute!

369
00:25:26,740 --> 00:25:31,900
A vodka and lemonade here! Haud yer
horses! Where's MA pie and beans?

370
00:25:31,900 --> 00:25:35,140
MICROWAVE PINGS
Shut up. I'm goin' as fast as I can!

371
00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:45,140
Thanks, everybody. I'm sure you'll
agree we're having a smashin' day.

372
00:25:45,140 --> 00:25:48,893
Just a quick thank you to Boabby
who assures us that everyone

373
00:25:48,918 --> 00:25:52,321
will get their pie and beans
just as soon as he's finished

374
00:25:52,346 --> 00:25:55,780
cooking them one at a time in
that shitey microwave of his!

375
00:25:55,780 --> 00:26:00,161
We were gonnae go into a big
hotel in the town for the meal,

376
00:26:00,166 --> 00:26:02,080
but then Tam saw the bill!

377
00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:04,220
And what with him being so...

378
00:26:04,220 --> 00:26:08,620
Miserable? Tight arse! Thrifty will
do, thank you. Quiet in the back.

379
00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:11,820
So we find ourselves here
at the Clansman.

380
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:14,380
To put your mind at ease, ladies,

381
00:26:14,380 --> 00:26:18,470
Boabby assures me there is a brand-new
toilet roll in the ladies loo

382
00:26:18,495 --> 00:26:20,340
for the first time in six year!

383
00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:21,890
And so...to oor Tam.

384
00:26:21,915 --> 00:26:26,540
I wouldnae say Tam's miserable, but
one time he dropped a pound coin

385
00:26:26,540 --> 00:26:31,020
and when he bent doon to pick it up,
it hit him on the back of the heid!

386
00:26:33,340 --> 00:26:38,460
There are many stories I could tell aboot
Tam, but the one that springs to mind

387
00:26:38,460 --> 00:26:42,300
is when we were posted to Frankfurt
during National Service.

388
00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:46,540
That was at the time when a certain Elvis
Aaron Presley was also in Frankfurt.

389
00:26:46,540 --> 00:26:50,980
Well, you can imagine, the place
was jumpin' wi' frauleins.

390
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:55,900
But Tam, ever the wily old fox, was
aye good at the American accent.

391
00:26:55,900 --> 00:27:01,340
So he says tae this lassie at a bar,
"Aye, I ken Elvis. He's a pal o' mine!"

392
00:27:01,340 --> 00:27:06,060
So there you have it, Tam back up in
the hotel room with this fraulein,

393
00:27:06,060 --> 00:27:08,220
he whips his uniform aff...

394
00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:11,460
Hope ye don't mind me telling this,
Frances, but he was a young man.

395
00:27:11,460 --> 00:27:13,334
He whips aff the uniform,

396
00:27:13,339 --> 00:27:17,960
the fraulein whips off her drawers
and - wallop! - full set!

397
00:27:17,980 --> 00:27:19,620
Big cock. Hairy balls.

398
00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:30,140
I've got mair stories,
mair stories aboot Tam, but...

399
00:27:30,140 --> 00:27:32,500
Ach, I've said enough.

400
00:27:33,540 --> 00:27:37,020
Tam... Tam and Frances.

401
00:27:45,260 --> 00:27:47,620
SHE SNIFFS

402
00:28:21,940 --> 00:28:24,500
That was nice that.

403
00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:28,540
Congratulations, Tam and Frances,
on your weddin'.

404
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:34,940
We hope you enjoyed the tape. This is
me and Jack the day before yer weddin'.

405
00:28:36,540 --> 00:28:41,300
What's happenin' in the bathroom?
Let's go see, shall we?

406
00:28:46,660 --> 00:28:51,020
C'mon, ya bastard!
Stupid idea swallowing that ring!

407
00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:57,420
Oh, come on, Victor! Get oot!
Sling yer hook!