1
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,000
ISA HUMS

2
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,240
Hello, Victor. Isa.

3
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,280
Let me guess...Tuesday lunchtime.

4
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:49,480
Now ye've done yer shopping on
Monday, all yer tins and whatnot...

5
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:55,640
So I'm reasoning that what's in that pot
is half a tin of Heinz's tomato soup.

6
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,880
There ye are. Ye happy?

7
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:03,400
Now piss aff, Mrs Poirot. Charmin'.

8
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,920
Let us in.

9
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,400
Is that you getting
the third degree, aye?

10
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,920
Aye. She's always there.

11
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,240
Ye cannae get past her. She's
like a bastardin' Hare Krishna.

12
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:19,320
You should've took the lid aff
and threw the soup at her.

13
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,120
It's no' hot enough.

14
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,880
It's a bona fide scalding
she's needin'. Nosy cow.

15
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:27,440
Seriously, but. How many times
out of ten is it that you get

16
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:32,560
across that landing withoot her interferin'
in yer bloody business? Oot of ten? Two.

17
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,560
Three maybe.

18
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:40,080
Right, Jack. What garbage
are we watching the day? Trisha.

19
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,920
That fella there,
brought up by his sister,

20
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turns oot it's the mother - and he's
had a ride at her intae the bargain.

21
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,920
It's a mess.
Boy meets maw. Boy shags maw.

22
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,800
Boy loses maw. I love a simple tale.

23
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:56,160
It's either that or the wee fat lassie that
sells you the hooses in Spain, you know?

24
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Ooh!

25
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,080
What's that, Jack?

26
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,800
Here, Victor, don't touch that.
That's a thingummy. A what?

27
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,400
Eh, a remote control
for the...the dish. The Sky thing.

28
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,400
When did ye get Sky?

29
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:15,320
Eh, a couple of days ago. Ma Fiona
got it for me. She's paying for it.

30
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,960
I said no but she insisted. Ach,
it's got millions of buttons on it.

31
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,417
Jesus, Jack. You've got
aboot 150 channels

32
00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:24,880
and yer makin' us watch a bunch
of in-bred bastards fighting?

33
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,760
You'll just end up running up a
bill. No, it disnae work that way.

34
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Big Arthur's got this.

35
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It's a package ye get. One payment
and ye watch what ye like.

36
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Aye, Fiona said that right enough.
Ach, I'm no' bothered.

37
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,760
Well, get bothered wi' it, Jack.

38
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This is the bollocks!

39
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,000
Menu. Aye, ye've got the lot here.

40
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Will ye just leave it?
...What is that? White Heat.

41
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White Heat? That's no'
supposed to be on the day.

42
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It's no'. But it's on yer Sky.

43
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Try another one.

44
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,920
Oh! That's The High Chaparral!

45
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:05,560
Christ, that's no' been
on for years! Leave it there. Naw.

46
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,840
Oh, Steve Irwin!
The Crocodile Hunter.

47
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,800
Ye've got wildlife 24 hours a day!

48
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Aye... That's smashin'.

49
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Ya jammy bastard! I'm moving in!

50
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,960
What's this? UK Gold.

51
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,600
Oh, that's an old Trisha.

52
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,640
I've seen this one.

53
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,652
That boy there gets his cock
bit aff by a Rottweiler,

54
00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:33,720
but the owners are refusin'
to have the dug destroyed.

55
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:38,160
Jeezo. That boy there's
sittin there wi' nae cock?

56
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,040
Dae ye want tae watch this?

57
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,560
Aye.

58
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,360
Bloody shaggin' his maw.

59
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DOORBELL RINGS

60
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Margaret. And Thomas.

61
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,120
Come in. Thanks, Dad.

62
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,280
It's bloody freezing in here.

63
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,480
How have you no' got yer fire on?

64
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,160
Feelin' it cold, are ye?

65
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:13,920
I'm roasting. Are ye?
Naw, I'm actually freezin'.

66
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,840
But if I tell myself I'm roasting
it's no' so bad.

67
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,840
Right, what's all this aboot?

68
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,880
What's it always aboot? Him.

69
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,920
What now, ya wee arsehole? Nothing.
Drinkin', parties, smoking dope.

70
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:29,640
We warned him. If he didnae wrap it,
he wasnae going to Blackpool wi' us.

71
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,760
Seven o'clock
he came in this morning.

72
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,480
That's it. We go in the
morning and he's no' coming.

73
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So there's a spare seat?
I'll come to Blackpool wi' you.

74
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,880
You stay here son. Knock yersel' oot.
Cheerie-bye.

75
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,960
Dad. We need you to look after him.

76
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:45,240
No way. You can stick that
right up yer arse, Margaret.

77
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,320
I've done all that already that
wi' you and Brian.

78
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,400
I'm in my twilight years.

79
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:54,080
Enjoying myself. I could dae without
looking after that cheeky monkey.

80
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,280
Dad. It's no' just that.

81
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:07,600
Gary and I need this break.
We're no' getting on.

82
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,280
Well, how long are ye away for?

83
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,320
Just a week. A week?! What am I
meant to do wi' him for a week?

84
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,120
Take him to the bloody zoo?

85
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:19,360
I want ye to keep on top of him.
Keep an eye on him. Please.

86
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,480
Right, fine. But I'm the boss. Aye.

87
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:25,280
What I say goes. Of course.

88
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,760
Right, well, you
better get away and dae yer packin'.

89
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,280
Oh, thanks, Dad.

90
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,480
You must be right chuffed wi' yersel.
Daein yersel' oot a holiday.

91
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,120
I'm no botherin'.

92
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,000
Aye. Lassies, shaggin'.

93
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,640
Pubs. Blackpool's shite, intit?

94
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,760
Right, spare room's through there.

95
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,280
Away and dump yer stuff.

96
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,920
Let's lay the ground rules
straight away.

97
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,968
This is my house and as such,
the rules laid doon in my house

98
00:05:58,993 --> 00:06:00,960
should be obeyed at all times.

99
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,753
Any breach of said rules will result
in a swift kick in the tadger

100
00:06:04,778 --> 00:06:07,040
and your mum and dad
will be grassed to.

101
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,960
You'll find me hard but fair.

102
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,234
If you keep yer heid
doon and yer nose clean,

103
00:06:11,259 --> 00:06:13,360
we'll get along just fine.
But know this -

104
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,160
I run a tight ship.

105
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Not a shite tip.

106
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,880
And you'll be expected to muck in.

107
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,551
You're a black sheep, Thomas.

108
00:06:22,576 --> 00:06:26,264
But if you play yer cards right,
you could be a graceful swan.

109
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A boot camp.
That's how it's gonnae be, son.

110
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Do you the world of good.

111
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,480
BURR-RRP!

112
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,200
Victor, c'mon! Enough's enough.

113
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,160
Just gimme 20 more
minutes, Jack boy.

114
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:55,480
This Arctic wolf
hasnae had a meal in eight weeks

115
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,200
and it's about to catch a rabbit.

116
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,960
A rabbit, eh?

117
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:04,440
Well, hop intae yer ain hoose,
cos I'm bloody knackered. Ah, what?

118
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,680
We've been watching it all day.

119
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,720
Enough's enough. That's plenty!

120
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,360
What are ye daein goin' tae
yer bed at this time?

121
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,994
I always go tae ma
bed at half ten.

122
00:07:13,019 --> 00:07:15,400
You're the late bedder, I
like tae go tae bed early.

123
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,640
Makes me perky in the morning.

124
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,480
Aye well, fair do's.

125
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:24,520
Fair enough, Jack. You get to yer bed and
I'll just guess the end of ma programme.

126
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,200
Aye well, I'm sorry and
all that, but you know...

127
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,800
No, you're quite right.

128
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I'm being a leech.

129
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Takin' liberties.

130
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,160
You've got Sky an' I've no'.

131
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,680
I'll let mysel oot.

132
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,240
Aye, good.

133
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Night!

134
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,480
Night!

135
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:52,280
Get oot ma hoose, ya arsehole!
I'm gaun, I'm gaun! Sorry.

136
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:59,280
Shug. Isa. There's Shug tae see ye.
Aye, I can see that, Isa.

137
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,880
And he's got his toolbag wi' him.

138
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,640
That's because I asked him to bring
it wi' him, Isa. ...Come on in, Shug.

139
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:11,960
Ooh, it's a bastard, intit, Isa? What's
a bastard? The mystery, the toolbag.

140
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:16,480
Ooh, what is Shug doing up
at Jack's wi' a toolbag?

141
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,000
Wooooh!

142
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:36,200
Right.
What is it yer trying tae dae here?

143
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,800
Well, Victor's maintaining that if
we run a wire fae that satellite box

144
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,102
to his television,
through that wall there,

145
00:08:42,107 --> 00:08:44,540
he'll get cable as well.
Would that work? Aye.

146
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:48,099
Magic! Aye, but you'd have to
watch what Jack was watchin'

147
00:08:48,124 --> 00:08:50,400
because ye've only
got the one signal.

148
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:54,120
And if he changed his channel,
it would change yours.

149
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,280
Ach, right enough. That's shite.

150
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,640
How's it shite?

151
00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:00,320
Cos that's all you watch, intit?
Shite.

152
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,800
Shite! All YOU watch is shite. I
prefer ma ain shite to your shite!

153
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,120
Are you wantin' this
bloody cable or not?

154
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,680
Aye, Jack, but I mean...

155
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,440
Picture the scene, you know?

156
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,320
Jaws, the last five minutes.

157
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,120
I'm on the edge of ma seat
in ma ain hoose. Gripped.

158
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,480
The shark's bearing down on the chief
of police. He's got one bullet left.

159
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,480
One last chance to kill it.

160
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,120
He looks down the barrel,
he cocks the gun...

161
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,080
Boof. Boof?

162
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,720
What happens?
I don't know, Jack. I'll never know.

163
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:34,160
Cos you've turned it over tae QVC!

164
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,200
Let me make one thing
perfectly clear, Victor.

165
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,600
I am the principal viewer.

166
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,120
I have the remote. I am in control.

167
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,520
That thing there is at my behest.

168
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:49,840
You, however - you are the secondary
viewer, of lower importance, if you will.

169
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,680
If you don't like that...

170
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:55,400
I don't like it. I'll tell you
what, Shug - gie Jack the cable.

171
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,040
Jack, roll it up and stick it up
yer arse! Oh, behave yersels.

172
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,560
Yer like a pair of bloody weans!

173
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:05,720
Look, why don't I put a hatch
through there?

174
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,800
What fur? Well, that way you'll be
able to talk to each other.

175
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,440
Rationally. Co-ordinate yer viewing.

176
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,186
Victor, if you want Jack
to change the channels,

177
00:10:16,191 --> 00:10:19,300
you just have to step
up to the hatch...

178
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,360
and ask. Oooh! That sounds good.

179
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,800
We could buy one paper.
I could pass it to ye.

180
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,800
Could take turns at makin' tea and
sandwiches and that.

181
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,920
I could pass ye soup
through the hatch.

182
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,874
I wouldnae meet Isa
on the landing!

183
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,504
We could communicate
without leaving the hoose!

184
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,840
Shug, gies a hatch.
A nice wee hatch.

185
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,360
No bad, eh? Aye, it's a good thing.

186
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:54,200
A smashing thing.
Eh, dae ye think it's a bit big?

187
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,960
Er... Naw.

188
00:10:55,960 --> 00:11:00,320
Just didnae realise the bricks
were gonnae come away so easy.

189
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,880
Aye, it's better tae huv a door.
Gies ye mair options.

190
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:12,680
Right, Lazarus. Get up, ya lazy
bastard. Oot yer wankin' chariot.

191
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,120
What time's it? 6.45am.

192
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,299
There's captains of industry
have closed world-breakin' deals

193
00:11:18,324 --> 00:11:20,520
by this time in the morning.
I'm knackered!

194
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,840
Come on, another half hour. Listen, son.
A boy your age should be up and aboot.

195
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,600
Not wastin' the day away.
There's things to be done!

196
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,400
Oh, aye? What are you daeing?

197
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,360
Never you mind what I'm
daeing the day. I'm an old man!

198
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,280
See this big fat beer belly?

199
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,360
I've earned it. I'm a pensioner.

200
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,440
I've got every right tae loaf aboot.

201
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,760
You've no'. A boy should be up,
and seize the day!

202
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,480
Get yersel busy - get a job!

203
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,600
Mornin' hen. Now,
see when I was your age... JESUS!

204
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:59,720
Mornin', Jack! Just hoovering up.

205
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,880
There's still a lot of dust
coming off it. Aye, that'll settle.

206
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:08,040
What time did you get tae yer bed
last night? Och, quarter to one.

207
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,400
There was a good Bette Davis
picture on last night.

208
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,440
She was a right bastard in it tae.

209
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,640
Here, I was thinkin'. Ye know
what we should dae? What's that?

210
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,200
We should get a pair of curtains.
One on either side.

211
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,040
Just in case, if for any reason the
council are up here, sniffing aboot.

212
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:25,760
That's a good call.

213
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:30,040
We'll pop into Kelvin House, they've
nice stuff. Aye, we'll dae that.

214
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:35,200
Ooh, God. What's the matter wi' you?
I've got a boil kickin' aff on ma arse.

215
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,424
Is it any bloody wonder,
daein' 12 hour shifts

216
00:12:37,449 --> 00:12:39,880
in front of the television?
You're sweating it, man!

217
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,600
Huv ye any cream? Through by.

218
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,360
Or should I say through by?

219
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,720
It's the top shelf there.

220
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,160
DOORBELL RINGS

221
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:04,800
Och, Isa. Mornin', Jack.
What is it? VICTOR SINGS

222
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:08,600
Is that Victor? What's Victor daein'
in your hoose at 7am?

223
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,040
Eh... He came across for butter.
A lend o' butter.

224
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,160
Where is this arse cream, Jack?

225
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,320
Second shelf! What is it you want?
Eh... I...

226
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:22,720
It's your turn to mop the landing and I was
just wondering if you wanted me tae dae it.

227
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:26,200
Aye, that would be smashin', that would be
very good of you, Isa. Mop the landing.

228
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:30,280
Is that it? Aye, that's it.

229
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:31,800
Thanking you.

230
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:38,000
Who was that?
Isa. Who else would it... Aah!

231
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,200
Victor, what ye daein?!
Listen, take a look at this, Jack.

232
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,920
It's getting bigger.

233
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,880
Is it ready to pop? Oof!

234
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,600
That's like Krakatoa, that.

235
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,640
That could blow any minute. Oof!

236
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,600
That's a cracker right enough!

237
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,960
It's an absolute belter.
Gie it a squeeze.

238
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,160
Aye, right.
Squeeze yer ain manky boil!

239
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:13,720
Oh Navid! Navid, wait till I tell ye!
You're no' gonnae believe this.

240
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,760
Calm doon, Isa! Calm doon.

241
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,720
Breaths! Deep breaths!

242
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,040
Jesus, Navid! What ye daein'?

243
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,920
It's OK, Tam. I've seen this before.

244
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,600
It's gossip overload. In, out.

245
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,920
In...

246
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,600
Out.

247
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,520
You OK now? Aye.

248
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,560
Fine noo, aye.

249
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,840
OK, I'm gonnae to
remove the bag slowly, OK?

250
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,520
Jack and Victor are gay!

251
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:53,560
Get that aff ma heid, Navid!
I saw it wi' ma ain eyes!

252
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,800
Victor stayed the night at Jack's.

253
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,520
I saw him this morning in his
jim-jams! Don't talk shite, Isa.

254
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,920
How does that make them gay?
I saw mair than that. It gets worse.

255
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,680
What else did you see?

256
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:08,804
Well, Victor was bent over,
and Jack was standing behind him,

257
00:15:08,829 --> 00:15:10,600
daein' the dirty business.

258
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,760
You saw that? Wi' ma ain eyes.

259
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,000
As God is my witness!

260
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,520
How did you see that?
Through the letterbox.

261
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,280
Through the letterbox? What ye
daein' looking through the letterbox?

262
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,121
What am I daein' looking
through the letterbox?!

263
00:15:23,126 --> 00:15:25,420
Watchin' one old pal
pumping the other!

264
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:30,360
We know I'm a nosy bastard, but try
tae concentrate on the bigger picture!

265
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,720
Sounds pretty conclusive.

266
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,320
Jack and Victor.

267
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,400
Jesus.

268
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,640
What are we gonnae dae?
What are we gonnae dae?

269
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,560
It's quite simple. We lure them into
the shop, bludgeon them to death,

270
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:46,120
cut off their balls and hang them
from those streetlamps as a warning.

271
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,000
That kind of filth
will no' be tolerated in Craiglang.

272
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,520
Is that what they dae
in your country, Navid?

273
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,880
No, you dozy cow.
We live and let live.

274
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:57,400
We certainly don't poke our
bastard noses through letterboxes!

275
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:01,040
So what? Jack and Victor are gay.
Big deal. Good luck to them.

276
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:05,760
Isa, normally I would just let
you get on wi' yer gossiping.

277
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,680
But this is too big.

278
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:11,640
How are we divvying it up?
How do ye mean?

279
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,440
I want to tell the cafe,
the Clansman, and the bookies.

280
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,080
Naw, I want the cafe,
the doctors and the bingo.

281
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,880
Aye, awright. I'll tell Meena.
Meena!

282
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:30,423
Boys will be boys. He's a bit
of a wild stallion is all,

283
00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:32,984
but he's up against the
horse whisperer here.

284
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,800
That's right. Eh?

285
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,720
Right, OK.
Well, I'll see ye when ye get back.

286
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,240
OK, bye bye.

287
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,720
Grandad! Hello, son. I thought
you were doon at the bookies.

288
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,840
I was, aye, but I hud
a wee bit of a win,

289
00:16:48,865 --> 00:16:52,144
and I didnae want tae piss it up
against the wall, so... C'mere.

290
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,320
What's that? Eh... It's just a plant.
What sort of plant?

291
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,880
It's a... A tomato plant.

292
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,720
What ye wanting wi' that?

293
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,960
It's a gift. For you.

294
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,720
I just wanted to apologise for
this morning. Wi' Tina and that.

295
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,040
That's good of ye.

296
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,640
So where's the tomatoes?

297
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,280
Oh, they come later.

298
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,080
The plant blooms first,
and then they grow.

299
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:17,520
Oh right. That's smashin', that.

300
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,560
I'll put that in the kitchen on
the windae-sill. It'll be lovely.

301
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,760
Aye, apology accepted.

302
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,240
Christ, you'd never think that
thing could grow tomatoes.

303
00:17:26,265 --> 00:17:28,664
It looks just like a weed.
Aye, a weed.

304
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,640
Jack, Victor.

305
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,120
Bobby! Gettin' curtains, are ye?

306
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,800
No.

307
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,640
We're getting' curtains.
Aye, I can see that.

308
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:06,160
Tam was, eh, in the Clansman last night,
and told us that you two were both, em...

309
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,360
You guys were, um...
That you were...

310
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,000
Which is great. So, eh,
what am I saying?

311
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,200
Aye, what are you saying, Bobby?

312
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:21,800
I'm saying
that the Clansman is for everybody.

313
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,400
Right...

314
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:28,720
So, ye know, I just want ye both
to know that when you come in,

315
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,640
you'll get served. That's good.

316
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,960
You WILL be served.

317
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:39,240
And furthermore, you will be treated
like human beings.

318
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,200
Thanks, Bobby. Aye.

319
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,440
By the way...

320
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,800
I think it's great that
you guys have come out.

321
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,680
Aye, it's good to get oot.

322
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,680
Ooh! It's great!

323
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,160
What's great? Look at me, Navid!

324
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,160
I've always wanted to be a fag hag!

325
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,200
What's a fag hag?

326
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,800
Is it no' one of they lassies that
hang aboot... Isa! Mop. Floor. Noo!

327
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,200
What can I do for you gentlemen?

328
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,080
Two ounce of Drum.

329
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,080
Huv ye any Savlon, Navid?

330
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:41,680
I've a right sore arse. That's that
wee mystery solved. What? Nothing.

331
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,320
What in the name of Christ's
goin' on here?

332
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,800
Thomas! Who are these wee arseholes?

333
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,640
We're his mates. Oh!

334
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,200
All shiftless bastards together, eh?

335
00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:01,560
Aagh, ya bastard! What the hell
are you daein' in ma kitchen?

336
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:05,320
Burnt ma finger, cookin'
cookies in yer cooker.

337
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,577
Right, get aff yer arses
and sling your hook!

338
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:10,500
Cannae go yet. The cookies are
still cookin' in yer cooker.

339
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,960
Listen, ya wee Fanny Craddock.

340
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,400
I'll cook you. Get oot ma hoose!

341
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,994
And get ma good titty apron aff.

342
00:20:16,999 --> 00:20:20,660
Ye probably want tae gie them another
ten minutes for them to be just...

343
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:25,000
Aw, look what ye've done! All that
smoke's killed ma tomato plant!

344
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,120
Right, here they come. Noo remember.

345
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,320
Try and act as normal as possible.

346
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,400
These guys are yer friends.

347
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,720
Nothing has changed.

348
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,760
Hey-ho!

349
00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,160
What are yous for?
Two goldies, Bobby.

350
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,400
STEREO PLAYS "Dancing Queen" by Abba

351
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,080
Just setting the atmosphere.

352
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,600
In't that right, guys?

353
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:51,360
Well, I hope you lot
are proud of yourselves. Huh?

354
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,840
Aye, you might well stand there
and say nothin', ya wee bastard.

355
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,920
Sorry. Sorry?

356
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,320
Sorry disnae even begin tae cover it!

357
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,703
Your ma and da are due
back in two hours,

358
00:22:12,708 --> 00:22:15,860
and I have to say, the report
card is not looking good.

359
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:20,080
At every turn and corner I've given
you an inch and you've taken a mile!

360
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,880
Och, I had two pies in here
for ma dinner. Where are they?

361
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,680
We ate them.

362
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,200
Ye ate ma dinner?!

363
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,920
Bloody cookies for a
grown man's dinner.

364
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:41,400
They're Davo's cookies, Granda'!
Well, Davo's no' here, is he?

365
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,240
Oh they're smashing.

366
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:49,480
Wee glass of milk wi' them,
that'll be lovely.

367
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,800
Bloody queer day.

368
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,280
Aye, it was.

369
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:05,520
Bloody Isa, and the Clansman.

370
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,560
Oh my God. What?

371
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:13,840
We've been runnin' aboot
wi' wur heids up wur arses.

372
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,360
It's as plain as the
nose on your face!

373
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:17,880
Bobby's gay!

374
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,880
Of course, aye!
The music, dancing, aye!

375
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,520
He's a... He's gay!

376
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,520
Aye, he's gay.

377
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,360
Oh well, good for him, eh? Aye.

378
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:33,080
DOORBELL CHIMES

379
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,440
Tam. Jack.

380
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,200
I'm glad you're in.

381
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,880
This is Mick. Awright, wee man?

382
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,600
Hello, eh, Mick.

383
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,184
Sorry about that carry on
earlier on in the pub.

384
00:23:53,189 --> 00:23:55,220
It was a bit awkward
for us, you know?

385
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,680
Aye, aye.
We just tippled there the noo.

386
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,200
Come in, come in.

387
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:08,680
You'll no' have met Mick.

388
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,080
No, we huvnae, no. Hello.

389
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,400
He lives up the next block.

390
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,280
Aye, Eagle Heights.

391
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,360
That's a nice clean
block that, Eagle.

392
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:21,920
We brought a few tins. Thought
we could all have a wee drink.

393
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,840
Oh! Satellite youse have got, eh?

394
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,360
Aye, that's right, yes.

395
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,480
What's that?

396
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,160
That's a curtain we put up.

397
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,200
Is that a door through to Victor's?

398
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:39,920
It is, aye. That's good. So you can
just go back and forward, eh?

399
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,080
Aye we can, aye.

400
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,680
Oh, Jeez, is that the time?
I'll need tae go.

401
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,880
Mick?
I'm fine, Tam. I don't have to go.

402
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:54,360
OK. Well then. Cheerio.

403
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,080
Well...what are we daein'?

404
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:20,360
Just eh...havin' a can of beer.

405
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,920
No, I mean, are we through here or
through there?

406
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,240
Here?

407
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,000
Is that all right?

408
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,120
Aye, that's fine. We'll finish
these, then we'll have a wee chug?

409
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,720
MUSIC: "Jammin'" by Bob Marley

410
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,600
# Jamming...
Oh, I wanna jam it with you! #

411
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,320
Oh here, you're back.

412
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,280
Did ye like that?
I'm in ma jimmies -

413
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,800
jamming!

414
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,800
HE GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY

415
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,480
Bobby, four mair pints of lager.

416
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,480
Sorry about that, fellas.

417
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,760
I was only trying tae help.

418
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,320
Isa telt me yous were gay.

419
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:12,520
Isa? Aye. Said she seen yous in
the one hoose in your pyjamas at 7am.

420
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,320
That's good yin right enough.

421
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,680
So all of Craiglang
thinks we're gay?

422
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,480
Aye.

423
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,920
Tell me,
did you actually think we were gay?

424
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:26,000
Well, two guys, nae women,

425
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,200
same hoose.

426
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,320
Youse could be gay.

427
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,280
Aye, I suppose we could be gay, aye.

428
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:38,800
Bobby.

429
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,800
"Come in any time.
You'll be welcome.

430
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,680
"You'll be made to feel
like human beings."

431
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,520
Well, let's just see, shall we?

432
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,960
Victor. Bobby. Jack.

433
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:06,040
I think I'll go for a pee. Right.

434
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:16,360
D'ye know what?

435
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:17,880
I'm needin' a pee as well.

436
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,400
Naw, that's too much.

437
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,120
I'm no' putting up with that.

438
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,280
Live and let live,

439
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,760
but no' in my lavvies!

440
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,440
How's that for ye, sweetheart?

441
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,000
That's smashin', darlin'!

442
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,320
Oh, that's really nice.
I'm enjoying that.

443
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,920
Right, ya couple of queerhawks!

444
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:30,520
Yes! I win. Again. Ya bastard.

445
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:32,720
Ma turn. It's too hard, that.

446
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:37,080
I don't know if I'm comfortable
sitting between yous two. Shut up.

447
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:38,600
I'm gonnae get the tea on.

448
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:45,000
Ooh! Did you bring
these cookies, Winston?

449
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,560
Aye. Wire in.