1
00:00:35,180 --> 00:00:37,380
Have you got this steady?
Aye, I've got you.

2
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,740
Okey-dokey, gie me the towel.

3
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,540
Look at that!
Dirty miserable bastards.

4
00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:47,220
Aye, it's all about
saving money, you see?

5
00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:50,180
Wee, low dingy light's cheap.

6
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:53,580
That's no' safe, having pensioners
creepin' about in the half light

7
00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:56,020
trying to get in
and out their hooses.

8
00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:58,460
Let's have a look
and see what we've got here.

9
00:01:02,820 --> 00:01:05,980
Oh, aye. There, you see?

10
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:07,700
25 watts.

11
00:01:09,580 --> 00:01:12,980
Ooh, ya bastard! It's red hot that.

12
00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:15,700
Where are you? Here.
Where's the bulb?

13
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:16,980
I'm offering it tae you.

14
00:01:16,980 --> 00:01:21,300
Where's yer haun'? That's ma face!
Sorry! Right. Take the auld bulb.

15
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:23,500
To me.
BULB SMASHING

16
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,380
Oh, shit!

17
00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:27,740
Was that the good bulb
or the shitey bulb?

18
00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:30,740
Shitey bulb. Here's the good bulb.
Right, aye. Got it.

19
00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:33,940
Right.

20
00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:37,740
That's better, in't it? Aye, aye.

21
00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:39,700
It's no' too bright, is it?

22
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,020
No, no. Not at all.

23
00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:44,740
It's safe, is what it is.
Aye, it's safe, aye.

24
00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:54,340
Jesus! You've got it
bright enough in here, boys!

25
00:01:54,340 --> 00:01:58,940
What time do you call this?
I cannae see ma watch for the glare!

26
00:01:58,940 --> 00:02:02,500
It's 12 o'clock, ya cheeky bastard.
Where's our post?

27
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,740
I was in at half eight
with the post.

28
00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:07,380
Youse two didnae have any.
I'm done for the day.

29
00:02:07,380 --> 00:02:08,580
I came up tae see Isa.

30
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:13,340
For God's sake!

31
00:02:13,340 --> 00:02:15,620
I cannae...
What's going on? Have I died?

32
00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:18,940
Right, Isa doll.
Is that us agreed then?

33
00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:20,540
Aye. See you, darlin'.

34
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,380
Where did you get
the bulb, boys? Wembley?

35
00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:25,420
Shut up ya tit. Navid's.

36
00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:33,180
That one dae you?
Aye, that's the fella.

37
00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:35,568
What's Chris daein'
for you anyway?

38
00:02:35,593 --> 00:02:38,620
Oh, he's just gonnae
decorate my living room.

39
00:02:38,620 --> 00:02:41,260
Eh? Isa, he's a postie...

40
00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:43,500
and a shitey one at that!

41
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:47,020
Naw, he said he was a decorator
before he became a postie.

42
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:49,980
Ri-i-ight.
What's he wanting off you for that?

43
00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:55,260
He's gonnae paper the living room
and paint it for 160.

44
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:58,540
Eh? Aye, and that includes
the paper and paint?

45
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:00,780
No, I've tae get
the paper and paint.

46
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:02,780
Ach away, for Christ's sake!

47
00:03:02,780 --> 00:03:05,300
Tell him to sling his bloody hook!

48
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,473
You do not want that
shiftless bastard

49
00:03:07,478 --> 00:03:09,960
floatin' aboot your
hoose, in your fridge...

50
00:03:09,980 --> 00:03:12,300
In your cupboards...your wardrobe,

51
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:16,260
your knicker drawer, going through
your smalls... That's plenty, Jack.

52
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,780
We'll dae it fur you. Oh!

53
00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:21,980
How much?

54
00:03:21,980 --> 00:03:23,900
We'll no' charge you anything.

55
00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:27,620
Make sure there's plenty for
eatin' an' we'll blast through it.

56
00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:30,340
Are you sure? Aye, for God's sake.

57
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,340
What are neighbours for?

58
00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:36,700
You've got two handymen on your
doorstep. It'd be a pleasure, darlin'.

59
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,460
I suppose.

60
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:41,020
I'd be letting Chris doon, but.

61
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:43,940
Chris is a wanker.

62
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:46,321
I like Chris. Well, that's
what to say to him,

63
00:03:46,346 --> 00:03:48,500
"Chris, I like you.
I've always liked you.

64
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:52,060
"You're likeable. But Jack and
Victor, they think you're a wanker,

65
00:03:52,060 --> 00:03:55,500
"so you'll no' be doin'
any painting!" Hmm.

66
00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:58,660
I'll maybe think
of something masel'.

67
00:03:58,660 --> 00:04:04,700
Right, you come out...and you go in.

68
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:07,780
Ah! That's more like it, eh?

69
00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:10,300
Much better.

70
00:04:13,060 --> 00:04:15,940
Boaby, can we put a film on?

71
00:04:15,940 --> 00:04:19,020
Aye, on you go. They're on the top
shelf through the back.

72
00:04:19,020 --> 00:04:20,700
What are you for, Isa?

73
00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:22,420
I'm getting these.

74
00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:24,300
Not at all now.

75
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:27,500
Two lager and a sherry, Boaby,
and don't take their money.

76
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,700
- Godfather I or II?
- What's going on?

77
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,700
We're putting a film on.
Magic! That'll make a change.

78
00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:35,700
No' The Godfather, but.
"I knew it was you, Fredo"

79
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,860
Bang! Boom! Deid! Shite!

80
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:41,980
Isa buying yer drinks noo?
That's a new low, even for you two.

81
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:44,460
Shut yer hole, Boaby.
We're daein' a favour.

82
00:04:44,460 --> 00:04:48,980
Jaws! Naw. Big, stupid,
rubber shark. Garbage!

83
00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:51,500
- What you daein'?
- Painting and decorating.

84
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:54,740
You two haufwits?
Less of yer shite, noo, Bobby.

85
00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:58,780
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

86
00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:02,740
If you want tae see dafties escaping oot
a loony bin, come back at shuttin' time!

87
00:05:02,740 --> 00:05:06,140
Gie's two cans of Fusilier,
Boaby, will you?

88
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:08,540
Right-o, Shug. I'm off.

89
00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:12,220
That you away on the night shift?
Aye. Pain in the arse.

90
00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:14,540
How's that a pain in the arse?

91
00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:18,420
Big department store all to yersel'?
Ach, yer just watching the telly.

92
00:05:18,420 --> 00:05:22,420
Tryin' tae stay awake.
I'd love tae be in there at night.

93
00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:24,500
Are you allowed visitors?

94
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:27,620
No' really. I'll get a couple
of cans and keep you company.

95
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:29,220
Och, naw.

96
00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:31,660
You'd be bored oot yer tits.

97
00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:34,420
No, gie yerself peace.
It'll be a good laugh.

98
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:51,460
- Huv you got one, Tam?
- Aye. It's a good one.

99
00:05:51,460 --> 00:05:52,780
It's a cracker.

100
00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:58,740
Police Academy 8 -
Mission to Moscow!

101
00:05:58,740 --> 00:06:00,340
ALL: Wa-hey!

102
00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:02,940
I like all that...

103
00:06:07,260 --> 00:06:08,780
Hello. Here you go.

104
00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:12,180
Hello. Here you go.
I'm no needin' a Big Issue, son.

105
00:06:12,180 --> 00:06:14,460
It's a map of the store.

106
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:17,140
Map of the bloody store? Get a grip.

107
00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:19,820
It's a shop, no' a mountain range.

108
00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:22,460
Where are we? I don't know.

109
00:06:22,460 --> 00:06:27,340
What are we needin'?
Ten litres of Vinyl Silk Emulsion.

110
00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:30,220
Dusky blue. Try doon here.

111
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:38,700
Drammall four. It's everything
required in the one tool.

112
00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:43,300
It saws, it drills,
it routs, it jigs, it hammers...

113
00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:46,460
Does it collect yer pension
an' all, does it? Jack!

114
00:06:46,460 --> 00:06:51,620
Imagine a fiddly job. Something
like a letterbox in the door.

115
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:57,060
Normally that would require a drill,
a coping saw, a hacksaw, a file...

116
00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:58,420
but, with a Drammall,

117
00:06:58,420 --> 00:07:01,860
you're in and away
and finished in a matter of seconds.

118
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:05,260
Don't just take my word for it.
You, sir.

119
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:08,820
There you go.
Are you right or left handed?

120
00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:11,100
Oh, you're askin'
a mouthful there, son.

121
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:14,620
Now, ordinarily, if I'm hammerin'
or sawin', I use the right hand,

122
00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:16,824
but I've seen me wi'
pliers in ma left hand

123
00:07:16,849 --> 00:07:19,420
then switchin' to ma right
when this hand gets sore.

124
00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:23,180
But gimme a pen and away I go,
nice as you like, wi' the right hand.

125
00:07:23,180 --> 00:07:26,740
Jack here'll tell you - if I'm
doin' a crossword, it's my left.

126
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,420
It's all capitals. Go figure.

127
00:07:29,420 --> 00:07:33,340
Right. Good. Thank you.

128
00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:35,260
Here. Switch it to drill.

129
00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:36,340
Drill.

130
00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:43,060
Oh... Nice action.

131
00:07:43,060 --> 00:07:46,100
That's yer pilot hole.

132
00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:48,260
Good! Switch to saw.

133
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:52,260
Saw... And off you go.

134
00:07:56,340 --> 00:07:58,580
Here, Jack boy!
This is the bollocks...

135
00:07:58,580 --> 00:07:59,900
Ah! Ya bastard, you!

136
00:08:07,940 --> 00:08:10,580
Right. Let's see
what you're all about.

137
00:08:22,740 --> 00:08:25,300
FEMALE VOICE: 'I'm hot.

138
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:29,140
'Is it OK tae take ma T-shirt off?
Aye. Wow, Tiffany!

139
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:30,700
'You've got great tits.

140
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:34,180
'I know.
They're crackin' in't they?

141
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,980
'If I wasnae straight,
I'd be right intae them.'

142
00:08:37,780 --> 00:08:39,980
Oh, my God. Home-made porn!

143
00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:42,740
KNOCK ON DOOR ON TV
'Who's that? I'll get it.

144
00:08:42,740 --> 00:08:46,140
BOBBY: 'Hello. Just to let you know
yer lawn mower's not working.

145
00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:47,660
'Who are you, big boy?

146
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:50,700
'I'm Troy, the gardener.'

147
00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:55,820
You're no Troy the gardener.
You're Boaby the barman.

148
00:08:57,340 --> 00:08:59,300
FEMALE VOICE: That's me back!

149
00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:12,260
Have we tae wait here for ever?

150
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,900
Do you think that boy's
gonnae be OK? Oh, aye.

151
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,140
He'll be fine,
it's only a bloody thumb.

152
00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:22,460
Pack it in ice
and then they stick it on later.

153
00:09:22,460 --> 00:09:25,020
He'll be back at his work on Monday.
Do you think?

154
00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:30,660
Where is this boy? Excuse me, son.
We've been waitin' a wee while.

155
00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:32,460
We're wanting paint.

156
00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:34,780
You need the paint guy
tae get you paint.

157
00:09:34,780 --> 00:09:36,780
I'm carpet.
I can only get you carpet.

158
00:09:36,780 --> 00:09:39,620
Fine. Where is the paint guy?

159
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:42,260
He might be on his tea or something.

160
00:09:42,260 --> 00:09:45,820
The other paint guy -
he'll be floatin' aboot somewhere.

161
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:50,580
Excuse me, son!
I'm laminated floorin'.

162
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:57,266
There are two customers
hanging aboot

163
00:09:57,291 --> 00:10:00,140
like a couple of spare pricks
waiting for the paint guy.

164
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,985
The carpet arsehole
is unable to assist

165
00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:06,964
because the shiftless bastard
knows hee-haw aboot paint.

166
00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:11,380
AMPLIFIED: You cannae say all
that shite intae a microphone!

167
00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:14,420
Take a walk and get that fat bastard
with the tool belt.

168
00:10:14,420 --> 00:10:16,460
See if that dick'll help us!
All right.

169
00:10:20,460 --> 00:10:23,100
Shovin'.

170
00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:27,740
You all right, son? Aye.

171
00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:31,260
Hello!

172
00:10:31,260 --> 00:10:34,260
Anybody there?
< Just... Just a second.

173
00:10:34,260 --> 00:10:38,260
I'm in a hurry here.
< Just a second.

174
00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:39,580
Can I leave you the money?

175
00:10:39,580 --> 00:10:42,900
Listen, hen. Meena's no' here.
I'm run off my feet.

176
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:46,580
I'm trying to attend to an urgent matter.
Gimme a goddamn minute!

177
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,340
Right.

178
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:54,140
What have I missed? Did you pause
it? Aye, I paused it. OK, play.

179
00:10:55,660 --> 00:11:00,700
He-he-he-he! Look at his arse.

180
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:03,260
It's going up and down
like a jackhammer!

181
00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:06,180
Troy the gardener. Ya dirty bastard!

182
00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:08,860
Go on Bobby, son!
She's a bit of alright, in't she?

183
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:11,020
Aye, she was. She comes in the shop.

184
00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:13,500
She's a big fat cow now.
This must be ages ago.

185
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,980
CUSTOMER: Fine! I'm off to Kohli's!

186
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,259
That's what to do, love!
Knock yourself oot!

187
00:11:19,284 --> 00:11:21,764
That's you losing a customer.
It's only money...

188
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:00,660
Jesus, Shug. This is too good.

189
00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:02,420
Here's what I'm gonnae dae.

190
00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:05,180
I'm gonnae try on all
they fancy aftershaves,

191
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:07,740
maybe even have
a shave with an electric razor.

192
00:12:07,740 --> 00:12:11,580
A jaunt over to the suits to
try on the expensive clothes,

193
00:12:11,580 --> 00:12:14,703
a good hauf hour fannying
aboot in the toy department,

194
00:12:14,708 --> 00:12:16,840
and a rummage aboot
with the hi-fi's,

195
00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:20,340
culminating in a kip on the king of
beds - the Sealy Posturepedic.

196
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,860
Is that so?

197
00:12:31,180 --> 00:12:33,180
What's this? This is it.

198
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:36,580
This is ma work.

199
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:40,780
Aw, yer jokin'! You've got a
world of entertainment oot there.

200
00:12:40,780 --> 00:12:44,700
Aye, a world of security cameras
and recording equipment.

201
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:47,460
I warned you it might be boring.

202
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:49,140
Oot there's a no-go!

203
00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:51,420
Bloody company man.

204
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:53,180
Look. If you want tae go...

205
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:57,620
No. I said I'd keep you company and I am
nothing if not a man who keeps his word.

206
00:12:57,620 --> 00:13:00,340
PHONE RINGS

207
00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:02,220
Delaney's, security?

208
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,780
Whit? Oh, right. It's for you.

209
00:13:11,060 --> 00:13:12,500
Hello.

210
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,740
Uh-huh.

211
00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:19,020
Mmm. Mmm, I see.

212
00:13:19,780 --> 00:13:22,580
Understood.

213
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:23,820
Shug, yer on yer own.

214
00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:26,940
Tam's got a porn tape
wi' Boaby the Barman in it.

215
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:41,420
Are you gonnae buy a pint? Just
staunin' here, if that's all right.

216
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,460
What are you waiting for?
Nothin'.

217
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:47,300
So you've come into the pub
and you don't want a drink?

218
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,780
That's right.
Two pints of lager, Boaby.

219
00:13:49,780 --> 00:13:51,620
See Eric? He knows how it works.

220
00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:58,220
You're here. Have you got it?

221
00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:00,207
Is it right enough?
It's right enough.

222
00:14:00,232 --> 00:14:02,500
It's a belter!
Here, get that in yer pocket.

223
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:06,460
Right, I'll get a pint
and get up the road. Pint nothin'!

224
00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:10,020
Get up the road and get into your
machine. Get it watched and get it

225
00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:11,980
back to me first thing tomorrow

226
00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:14,740
cos Jack and Victor
still huvnae seen it! Got you.

227
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:19,420
There we go. Two pints.

228
00:14:19,420 --> 00:14:23,220
Usual, Winston?
"Usual, Winston", you maddy!

229
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,700
How's you doing?
Shagged oot, Boaby. Shagged oot.

230
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:35,700
It's no' that, I've got
ma garden tae do the morrow as well.

231
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,740
That's a chore. Aye. You see,

232
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,540
what I need is a gardener.

233
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:46,540
That's the problem. Where do
you find a gardener in Craiglang?

234
00:14:46,540 --> 00:14:49,100
There used to be one.

235
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:51,260
Eh, Roy, I think his name was.

236
00:14:51,260 --> 00:14:56,100
Roy the Gardener? If it wasnae Roy
it was something very like Roy...

237
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:59,300
Gie's a pie, Boaby. Aye. Gie's
a minute and I'll stick one in...

238
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:02,420
Ah-hah! Ya dirty clatty bastard!

239
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,460
Two for Jack, two for Victor.

240
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:21,580
Three each.
DRILL WHIRRS

241
00:15:21,580 --> 00:15:23,660
What the blazes?

242
00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:29,540
Have you got it? I've got it, aye.
Well, move o'er a bit. Jesus!

243
00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:31,300
It's all right.

244
00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:35,780
What are you daein'? Well,
you've no' got a pasting table,

245
00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:37,980
so we're just
gonnae use your front door.

246
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:42,220
Oh, now. Naw, this isnae
what I had in mind at all.

247
00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:47,820
You cannae dae that! The big jaggy
letter box'll tear all ma paper!

248
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:50,460
Oh, aye. Ach well, we'll
screw that aff an' all.

249
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:54,900
Oh, I don't know. Calm doon, hen.
It'll be fine. Can I do anything?

250
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:57,407
Yes, you can get tae yer work.
Chase yersel'.

251
00:15:57,432 --> 00:15:59,884
You're only gettin' under
our feet, darlin'.

252
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,020
Oh, here...

253
00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:10,100
Here, I've got ma mobile.
I can leave you the number.

254
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:11,740
We'll no' need you.

255
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:13,260
Go on. Get!

256
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:17,100
Oy, oy!

257
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,900
That's you. There you are.

258
00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:24,100
I've got pies there. Isa!

259
00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:31,940
Right, is that you? Aye. Okey-dokey.
There we are. That's us. On you come.

260
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:34,500
Let's plant it there.

261
00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:39,060
SCRAPING

262
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:47,780
Erm...

263
00:17:03,860 --> 00:17:05,300
Get they pies in, Vic boy.

264
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:06,660
Nae danger.

265
00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:25,340
KNOCK AT DOOR
WINSTON: Jack! Victor! Are you in?

266
00:17:25,340 --> 00:17:29,060
Winston! We're in here.

267
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:34,220
Jack. Sit doon.
Victor, you sit there.

268
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,940
What's going on? Eric.

269
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,860
You're no' gonnae believe this.

270
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:44,740
Silence, Tam. There are no
words needed to describe this.

271
00:17:44,740 --> 00:17:47,460
This truly speaks for itself.

272
00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:52,260
FEMALE VOICES: 'You've got great tits.
I know, they're crackin', aren't they?'

273
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:55,220
- It's a porno movie.
- Wait. Wait. Keep watching.

274
00:17:55,220 --> 00:17:58,020
GIRLS GIGGLE

275
00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:00,940
Ach, turn that aff, Winston.

276
00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:02,860
Easy.

277
00:18:02,860 --> 00:18:05,220
Steady... It's comin'!

278
00:18:05,220 --> 00:18:08,100
BOBBY'S VOICE:
'Hello. Just tae let you know...'

279
00:18:10,180 --> 00:18:13,820
I was gonnae bring this round last
night, but I watched it three times.

280
00:18:13,820 --> 00:18:16,220
The plot's a bit thin,
but there's a lot of action.

281
00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:24,380
Are Jack and Victor good at that?

282
00:18:24,380 --> 00:18:27,700
Aye. They wouldnae
have offered otherwise.

283
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:30,580
I suppose.
I could have done it for you.

284
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:34,780
You? Do you do DIY? Who do you think
keeps this place running

285
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:38,300
like a Swiss watch
when anything goes wrong?

286
00:18:42,780 --> 00:18:44,860
Anyway, it's Chris
I'm worried about.

287
00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:50,020
Aye. You have to break it to him
that he's no daein' it. Aye. I feel bad.

288
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:52,940
What will I say to him?
What can you say, Isa?

289
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:55,980
You promised him the job,
then you give it to someone else.

290
00:18:55,980 --> 00:18:57,620
Your word is not your bond.

291
00:18:57,620 --> 00:18:59,740
You lied.
You stabbed him in the back.

292
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:01,900
Stop it, Navid.

293
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:03,700
Ach, I'll just keep oot his road.

294
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,220
Aye. That's what tae dae.
It might be difficult.

295
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:09,220
How? Because he's standing
right behind you.

296
00:19:14,660 --> 00:19:16,740
Well. What do you make of that?

297
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:19,660
Does Boaby know you've got that?

298
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,580
Aye, aye.
It was him that gave me it

299
00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:24,020
and telt me to show
everybody in Craiglang.

300
00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:26,340
Of course he doesnae
know I've got it.

301
00:19:26,340 --> 00:19:27,940
I lifted it out his stockroom.

302
00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:31,380
How old is that?
We think aboot ten year.

303
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:34,580
Are you no' supposed to have a
big walloper to be in they movies?

304
00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:38,540
Aye. That's just
a daft wee piece he's got, eh?

305
00:19:38,540 --> 00:19:40,380
Mind you, he was busy with it.

306
00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:47,420
I know that, but how does it come to
pass that you end up in a porno movie?

307
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,940
I don't know. Probably an advert
in the back of a paper somewhere.

308
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:54,980
Aye. "Wanted -
men for pumpin' women...

309
00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:57,660
"must be dirty bastards."

310
00:19:57,660 --> 00:20:01,660
I'll no' be able to look him
in the eye again. Or eat his pies!

311
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:06,460
Right youse lot. Shoot.
We've got work tae be getting on wi'.

312
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,620
Who's all seen it?

313
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,020
Navid, you two and us.

314
00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:15,580
You puttin' it back? Oh, aye.
Right back...

315
00:20:15,580 --> 00:20:19,780
via the bookies, big Arthur's and
anybody else that wants a look at it!

316
00:20:19,780 --> 00:20:23,220
Don't forget Shug. He's screaming
oot for it. Oh, aye, Shug tae.

317
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:24,380
C'mere a minute.

318
00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:32,940
That's not right, is it?

319
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,860
That's just a washer.

320
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,500
That's no' a washer.
That just needs tightened.

321
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:40,700
Gie it a twist, Jack.

322
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:45,180
I said twist it,
no pull it, ya daftie!

323
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:48,060
I gie'd it a bloody twist!
Right. Oot ma road.

324
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:52,420
It's nae big deal.

325
00:20:52,420 --> 00:20:56,420
See all that there?
That's just a coupling.

326
00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,260
It's just uncoupled.

327
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:04,380
Eh?

328
00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:06,580
Well, done. Good for you.

329
00:21:06,580 --> 00:21:11,460
Panic merchants.
35 year a Clyde fitter.

330
00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:16,100
The one thing you have to remember about
pipes, especially in these buildings, is...

331
00:21:23,820 --> 00:21:25,580
Ye want tae have seen them.

332
00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:29,700
- They were like the Three Stooges!
- Aye. We high-tailed it oot.

333
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:32,220
Jesus. That's funny.

334
00:21:32,220 --> 00:21:33,740
Oh, right, right.

335
00:21:33,740 --> 00:21:35,060
What about this tape?

336
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,180
OK. There we are.

337
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:41,060
Is it good? Oh, aye.

338
00:21:41,060 --> 00:21:43,020
Is it Boaby right enough?

339
00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:46,220
It's Boaby's all right.
It's all Boaby.

340
00:21:46,220 --> 00:21:50,740
It's full o' boaby! I'm gonnae
watch it the minute I get to work.

341
00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:52,580
I'm burstin' tae see it.

342
00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:53,820
Burstin' tae see what?

343
00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:56,300
Chariots Of Fire.

344
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:58,660
Shug hasnae seen that. Have you Shug?

345
00:21:58,660 --> 00:22:02,820
Eh. Naw. But I am burstin'
tae see it.

346
00:22:02,820 --> 00:22:04,620
Chariots Of Fire?

347
00:22:04,620 --> 00:22:06,500
Aye. I love all that stuff.

348
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:10,860
Romans, horses, chariots.

349
00:22:10,860 --> 00:22:13,620
I love that Charlton Heston.

350
00:22:16,020 --> 00:22:17,460
G'night.

351
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:22,740
Another pint, Tam? Yes, I'll
have another pint please, Troy.

352
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:30,540
What did you call me?

353
00:22:33,780 --> 00:22:35,580
Boaby?

354
00:22:35,580 --> 00:22:37,140
No. You called me Troy.

355
00:22:37,140 --> 00:22:39,020
Did I?

356
00:22:45,020 --> 00:22:47,020
Where's ma tape? Whit tape?

357
00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:48,540
Ma PORN t...

358
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:52,860
My porn tape.

359
00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:54,740
Shug's got it.

360
00:22:55,380 --> 00:22:58,140
Right, Isa? Sherry, Boaby.

361
00:22:58,140 --> 00:23:01,740
You're gonnae have to look after
the bar for hauf an hour, darling.

362
00:23:01,740 --> 00:23:03,260
Aye, aye, OK.

363
00:23:03,260 --> 00:23:08,860
Boaby... Come on, Boaby...

364
00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:16,460
What's going on? Believe me, Isa, you
don't want to know. It's a man's thing.

365
00:23:16,460 --> 00:23:18,900
Och! Is it Boaby's porn tape?

366
00:23:20,740 --> 00:23:22,300
You know about that?

367
00:23:22,300 --> 00:23:24,860
Aye. I seen that years ago.

368
00:23:24,860 --> 00:23:27,020
Connie Jackson
used to clean in here.

369
00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:30,060
She snuck it oot.
We used to watch it at parties.

370
00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:32,180
Sorry, Eric, it's old news.

371
00:23:32,180 --> 00:23:35,980
What are you after? Lager, love.

372
00:23:35,980 --> 00:23:38,380
It's a sin, that.

373
00:23:38,380 --> 00:23:42,180
You coming in after yer work for a
sherry and end up working again.

374
00:23:42,180 --> 00:23:43,900
Ach, I'm no' botherin'.

375
00:23:43,900 --> 00:23:47,260
To be honest, it keeps me oot
the road of Jack and Victor.

376
00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:50,940
They're decorating ma living room.
I know. I was up there earlier.

377
00:23:50,940 --> 00:23:54,620
How are they getting on? Aye, good!

378
00:23:54,620 --> 00:24:00,660
WINSTON: Towels! I need towels!
Victor, for God's sake, hurry up!

379
00:24:00,660 --> 00:24:01,940
Towels, towels.

380
00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:05,140
Oh, that's marvellous,
you clown, in't it?

381
00:24:05,140 --> 00:24:08,700
Right you want to go
and get a bloody sponge.

382
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:10,660
Jack! Shoes aff, you dozy prick!

383
00:24:10,660 --> 00:24:11,820
Ah, Jesus!

384
00:24:11,820 --> 00:24:17,420
Where's these bastard towels?
Gie's yer haun'.

385
00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:19,780
What the bloody hell
has happened in here?

386
00:24:24,540 --> 00:24:27,820
I couldnae find the stopcock.
Somebody's tiled o'er it.

387
00:24:27,820 --> 00:24:31,700
It's the council! They dunno what they're
daein'! It was a drip. A tiny drip!

388
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:34,500
Whit are you shoutin' at me for?

389
00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,540
Stick this up yer arse! I'm off!

390
00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:40,980
Listen to me, you big bastard! We're
supposed to be painting and decorating.

391
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:43,420
We've no' even
opened a roll of paper!

392
00:24:43,420 --> 00:24:47,540
Jack... You're not going anywhere
until you sort that trouble oot.

393
00:24:47,540 --> 00:24:51,060
Jack... You get in there, boy,
and find that stopcock!

394
00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:52,140
Jack! What?

395
00:24:52,140 --> 00:24:53,580
The wall.

396
00:25:15,220 --> 00:25:16,540
HE COUGHS

397
00:25:27,140 --> 00:25:28,540
Now then.

398
00:25:28,540 --> 00:25:29,780
In you go.

399
00:25:38,460 --> 00:25:39,980
What?

400
00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:53,700
Aw!

401
00:25:55,860 --> 00:25:58,780
Ya bastard! Come on!

402
00:26:00,620 --> 00:26:02,420
Right. Delaney's?

403
00:26:02,420 --> 00:26:05,460
Aye, top of the street there.
Below the big telly.

404
00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:07,820
MOANING

405
00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:52,260
It's lovely, boys.

406
00:26:52,260 --> 00:26:55,700
My hall, my living room,
the kitchen.

407
00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:57,460
What have you done all this for?

408
00:26:57,460 --> 00:26:59,140
You know what it's like Isa.

409
00:26:59,140 --> 00:27:02,140
Once you get started,
you just get carried away.

410
00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:05,860
And we're not done yet. C'mon.

411
00:27:08,900 --> 00:27:11,940
Oh, ma bathroom!

412
00:27:11,940 --> 00:27:14,060
It's like Changing Rooms!

413
00:27:14,060 --> 00:27:15,900
Oh! I'll away and get Sadie!

414
00:27:31,460 --> 00:27:33,260
That money was gonnae bury us.