1
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:31,940
Gie yersel peace!

2
00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:34,660
It's just another birthday to me.

3
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,420
Aye, I'll get it when I get it.

4
00:00:36,420 --> 00:00:38,900
OK, if you say so, aye.

5
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,660
Honestly.

6
00:00:40,660 --> 00:00:43,620
All right, then. Okey dokey.

7
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,820
Bye. Bye bye.

8
00:00:48,180 --> 00:00:51,380
Arsehole. Forgot yer birthday
again, eh?

9
00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:53,220
Aye. Well, no.

10
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:56,340
He forgets, then he remembers at
the last minute, you know,

11
00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:59,100
and he's got to pay through the nose
to send it special delivery.

12
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,840
Why he just cannae post
on time, I don't know.

13
00:01:01,865 --> 00:01:04,580
I mean, my birthday's the
same day every year!

14
00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:07,180
Yeah. He is sending,
something, though, ain't he?

15
00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:09,220
Aye, I suppose.

16
00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:11,340
What's that?

17
00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:14,700
It's Italian. Beanitos Tostino.

18
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,900
Grazie.

19
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:20,460
And is there red saucio through
the beanitos? The way we like it?

20
00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,620
Si, Signor!

21
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:25,900
I'd be happy to get nothing, Jack.

22
00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:29,100
Oh, shut up.
He always gets ye something nice.

23
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,280
Aye, cos it's guilt!

24
00:01:30,305 --> 00:01:33,820
Aye, he gets me a good thing cos
he's left it late and forgot.

25
00:01:33,820 --> 00:01:37,220
And that's his way of making up.
Listen to you moaning, you clown.

26
00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:39,492
Cos yer son's getting
you something smashing,

27
00:01:39,497 --> 00:01:41,200
on the day you're
meant to get it.

28
00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:44,260
I can see why you're getting
wound up about it, though.

29
00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:47,340
I mean, My Fiona's exactly the same.
She's an arsehole.

30
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:49,860
She always gets me something lovely!

31
00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:52,380
Just ignore me. It's just my age.

32
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,660
Right, what de ye want tae dae?

33
00:01:54,660 --> 00:01:56,540
For what? For what?!

34
00:01:56,540 --> 00:01:59,580
For your birthday! Ah, gimme peace.

35
00:01:59,580 --> 00:02:04,460
Oh, come on noo, Victor. 75. 75 summers.
That's an occasion you've got to mark.

36
00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:08,580
MY arse! I'll mark it the same as
I mark every other day.

37
00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:10,420
With a shower, a shit and a shave.

38
00:02:10,420 --> 00:02:12,180
Classy, aye.

39
00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:15,140
Ah, you've got to do something
special. Something really good.

40
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:18,660
I mean, what do I normally get you?
Bloody bottle of Scotch.

41
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:23,380
That's right. And every year I
drink it. I look forward to it, tae.

42
00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:25,220
What's for pudding, by the way?

43
00:02:25,220 --> 00:02:27,780
Pudding?

44
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,820
Biscotti Penguino.

45
00:02:29,820 --> 00:02:31,740
Nice.

46
00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:34,540
Tell you what, get me 75 of them.

47
00:02:37,420 --> 00:02:38,940
Here, you.

48
00:02:38,940 --> 00:02:41,100
Jesus. ...Yes?

49
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:46,660
This chocolate bar gave Justin diarrhoea!
How do you know it was the chocolate?

50
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:48,740
Cos that's all he had yesterday.

51
00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:50,691
He eat it outside the
shop and by the time

52
00:02:50,716 --> 00:02:52,820
I got him hame he'd shat
all up his back. Nice!

53
00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:57,060
Did you have diarrhoea? Nup.
I didnae have the chocolate.

54
00:02:57,060 --> 00:03:00,087
Do any of wee Justin's brothers
or sisters have diarrhoea?

55
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:01,760
Nup. They didnae have it either.

56
00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:03,780
Does anybody else in your
immediate family have diarrhoea?

57
00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:08,620
No. So wee Justin was the only one
who ate the chocolate? Aye.

58
00:03:08,620 --> 00:03:12,020
Right. I think we might have
arrived at the problem here.

59
00:03:12,020 --> 00:03:15,073
You see, when you bought
your chocolate bar yesterday,

60
00:03:15,098 --> 00:03:17,460
it wasn't this size,
no, no,no, no, no ...

61
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:20,140
It was actually...this size.

62
00:03:20,140 --> 00:03:24,820
You gave a two year-old boy a slab
of chocolate the size of a headstone.

63
00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:26,970
Geoff Capes would have
shite up his back

64
00:03:26,995 --> 00:03:29,940
if he ate that amount of chocolate!
Take a hike, chancer.

65
00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:32,300
And take shitey-arse with you!

66
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:35,340
Arsehole! Junkie!

67
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,940
Customer relations, Navid.
That's the name of the game.

68
00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:40,540
Jack. Drum? No, no, no.

69
00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:44,260
I tell you what it is, it's
Victor's birthday on Thursday and...

70
00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:48,820
I know it's Victor's birthday on Thursday,
cos it's Meena's on Wednesday.

71
00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:52,220
So it is, I remember
you telling me that, aye.

72
00:03:52,220 --> 00:03:54,620
What you getting her?

73
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:56,700
Nothing.

74
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:59,260
£9.99 for the whisky, Jack.

75
00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:01,580
Well, actually, no.
I'm not gonnae bother.

76
00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:04,100
I normally get him
that every year but...

77
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:06,052
No, this is a biggie, you know?
He's 75.

78
00:04:06,057 --> 00:04:08,840
That's a landmark, a milestone,
you know? It's a big deal.

79
00:04:08,860 --> 00:04:10,820
You're right.

80
00:04:10,820 --> 00:04:13,980
Get him two bottles.

81
00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:16,300
Och, no, no.
I want to do something good.

82
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:19,060
Something special, you know? Oh, aye.

83
00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:21,060
I saw a great thing
in this magazine.

84
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:32,620
A balloon?
Oh, no. Ye cannae trust a balloon.

85
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:35,660
How would that be?
Look at the Hindenburg!

86
00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:38,820
That's a zeppelin, ya halfwit!

87
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,340
It's the same principle, just a
different shaped balloon.

88
00:04:42,340 --> 00:04:45,460
I mean, you're up there, dyin'
for a smoke. Spark up, boof!

89
00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:47,380
Happy birthday, Victor.

90
00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:49,140
Away and don't talk a lot of pish.

91
00:04:49,140 --> 00:04:52,257
The Hindenburg was chock
full of flammable gas.

92
00:04:52,282 --> 00:04:54,660
Hydrogen. Hydrogen.
Thank you, Shug.

93
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:58,060
Modern balloons dinnae use
that any more. Very safe.

94
00:04:58,060 --> 00:05:02,940
No, the only thing you need to worry about
in these balloon is low flying aircraft.

95
00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:04,620
Helicopters. Power lines.

96
00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:07,780
Power lines. Good one, Tam.
Lightning. Church spires.

97
00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:10,500
Right, the balloon's humped, then.

98
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:13,660
Oh, here. What about this? Falconry!

99
00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:16,285
"Become one with Mother
Nature and understand

100
00:05:16,290 --> 00:05:19,280
the commanding majesty that
is The Perigrine Falcon."

101
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:21,740
Ooooh!

102
00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:23,900
Falcon? No, that's a non-starter.

103
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,389
A sparrow flew in his living
room windae one time

104
00:05:26,414 --> 00:05:29,220
and he locked himself in the toilet.
He's a big shitebag.

105
00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:32,020
That's that falked then.

106
00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:36,100
Tandem parachuting. What's that?
It's a safe parachute jump.

107
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,620
I've always wanted to do it.

108
00:05:38,620 --> 00:05:42,780
He's 75, Boabby. They dae it for ye.
Ye've a guy strapped to your back.

109
00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:44,740
Is that why you've always
wanted tae dae it? Shut up...

110
00:05:44,740 --> 00:05:49,980
Actually, you said it, boy.
The cheapest adventure there's 150 quid.

111
00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:51,820
There's nae joy in that.

112
00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:55,060
Handing out perfectly good money and
have someone else do it all for you.

113
00:05:55,060 --> 00:05:57,820
That's thoughtless. Corporate. Cold.

114
00:05:57,820 --> 00:06:01,980
The best gifts are the ones that are
thoroughly thought oot, personal touch.

115
00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:04,700
Specially fashioned with
the recipient in mind.

116
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:06,740
Cheap?
Aye, well cheap.

117
00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:10,460
Have your own red Letter Day
here, Jack. Local in Craiglang.

118
00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:13,020
A sort of a reddish letter day.

119
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:14,820
A maroon day, if you will.

120
00:06:14,820 --> 00:06:18,700
Strap yourself to Victor's back
and you can jump aff the high flats.

121
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:21,820
What's he intae?
Sitting on his arse drinking tea.

122
00:06:21,820 --> 00:06:25,060
He's got very, very good at that.
What stuff's he intae?

123
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:29,820
I was gonnae get him a book about fishing
cos he gets that Trout and Salmon magazine.

124
00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:32,180
But it's years since
we've done any fishing.

125
00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:35,220
We used to fish the Kelvin
when we were young boys.

126
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,780
Now we're talking.

127
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:41,180
Shug? Yeah? You still got that
dinghy? Aye, I dae.

128
00:06:41,180 --> 00:06:42,980
Dinghy?

129
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:46,540
A leisurely sail doon the Kelvin,
bit of fishing.

130
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,060
An urban adventure!

131
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:52,300
I'll dae a spread,
sandwiches and that.

132
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:54,540
Och, Jack! That's a lovely idea!

133
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:57,060
Och. And he doesnae
know anything aboot it?

134
00:06:57,060 --> 00:07:00,180
No, he doesnae know anything
aboot it so not a word. As if!

135
00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:03,860
You might not know it, but there
is a code tae being a gabshite.

136
00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:07,300
Births, deaths, cheating,
drink problems...that's all gossip.

137
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,780
Surprise
birthday presents are sacred.

138
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:12,940
Immune! Good.

139
00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:16,220
What's keeping you, Jack? Victor!
I know something you don't know!

140
00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:17,780
For God's sake, Isa!

141
00:07:17,780 --> 00:07:21,660
Did I say anything about Victor's
birthday? No! What's this?

142
00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:25,460
Nothing. Doesnae sound like nothing!
It's no nuthin, it's a good thing!

143
00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:29,140
Will you shut yer hole? Oh, come on.
You know I don't like surprises.

144
00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:31,340
What's going on? What's going on?

145
00:07:31,340 --> 00:07:35,140
# I am saaaailing...

146
00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:38,420
# I am saaaailing... #
How much is this tape? £1.20 a roll.

147
00:07:38,420 --> 00:07:40,460
Ya bastard ye!

148
00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:48,980
Thanking you. It doesnae matter,
I'll tell you tomorrow.

149
00:07:48,980 --> 00:07:51,740
Oh, by the way, Meena.
Many happy returns of the day!

150
00:07:55,380 --> 00:07:56,900
Remember, what, Meena?

151
00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:09,620
Uh? Uh? You thought I forgot, huh?

152
00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:12,260
But I didnae.
Now you're the arsehole!

153
00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:15,020
Get it up you, Meena!
Happy Birthday.

154
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:36,620
Morning! Morning. Shat masel' there.

155
00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:39,900
What's this? Nuthin.

156
00:08:41,420 --> 00:08:44,300
"We called at 09:10am"...

157
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:47,620
That's just noo. "...with a parcel,
but you were not in.

158
00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:50,060
"Please collect it from the depot."

159
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:53,060
What parcel?
The one you've to collect.

160
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:54,860
Why have I to collect it?

161
00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:58,140
Cos...cos you're no in.

162
00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:02,620
But I am in. Can I take a wild guess
at what's happened here, Chris? Aye.

163
00:09:02,620 --> 00:09:06,060
It's easier for you to
fill out these wee cards than it is

164
00:09:06,060 --> 00:09:10,300
to actually dae yer job
and deliver parcels. Aye.

165
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:14,679
Mmm. Now I've got to haul
my old arse down to the depot

166
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:17,040
because you're a lazy bastard.

167
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,580
Aye.

168
00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:21,460
We make oot yer no in,
saves us humpin' the parcels.

169
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:30,020
Who's done that to you?

170
00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:31,940
No me, cause I'm no in!

171
00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:34,781
Now listen tae me.
It's my birthday today.

172
00:09:34,786 --> 00:09:37,800
Oh, many happy returns.
Oh, thanks very much.

173
00:09:37,820 --> 00:09:40,266
You bring ma parcel to the
Clansman at opening time

174
00:09:40,291 --> 00:09:42,644
and I'll no feel the need
to call your supervisor.

175
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:50,220
Christ, what have you come as?

176
00:09:50,220 --> 00:09:53,380
Happy birthday, Victor!
Have ye telt him yet, Jack?

177
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:55,540
Back off, Isa!

178
00:09:55,540 --> 00:09:57,100
# Cryyyyy meeee a riiiverrrrr... #

179
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,740
Shut up! I'm telling him!

180
00:10:04,340 --> 00:10:07,534
Right. This outfit has
got something tae dae

181
00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:10,360
with what I've got you
for yer birthday.

182
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:12,540
Guess.

183
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:14,380
You've got me a garden gnome?

184
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,626
Very funny. No, I'm taking you

185
00:10:16,631 --> 00:10:20,880
on seafaring adventure down
the River Kelvin on a dinghy.

186
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:23,260
Right...
It'll be great! Will it?

187
00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:28,140
Ach, are you no keen? Well, what
do you mean "an adventure", Jack?

188
00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:32,140
I've got a dinghy offa Shug, you see,
and I thought, well, you and I

189
00:10:32,140 --> 00:10:36,260
on the river, throw the hooks in the
water like we did when we were kids.

190
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,860
Oh, come on, what do you think?
What do I think?

191
00:10:38,860 --> 00:10:40,740
I think you must have
crack in that pipe, Jack!

192
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:42,740
I think you've finally
gone aff yer rocker! Eh?

193
00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:46,820
You and me in a dinghy in the
Kelvin, at oor age? Are ye daft?

194
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,900
What's the matter with that?

195
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:52,100
It's no just a stupid idea you know,
Victor. No, no, it's all organised!

196
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,220
Come on, it'll be magic!

197
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:57,620
I've no even
got wellies or anything.

198
00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:03,620
Organised. How could you no just get
us a bottle of whisky or something?

199
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:05,420
Go and get your jumper on, Victor.

200
00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:08,500
It'll be the best birthday you've ever
had. It's the best idea I've ever had.

201
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:12,900
I think it's the worst
idea you've ever had. Two words -

202
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:15,740
Rat piss. Rat piss? Aye.

203
00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:17,660
Kelvin's full of rats.

204
00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:19,300
Where do you think they piss?

205
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,980
Wee rat toilets stationed
along the banks of the Kelvin?

206
00:11:21,980 --> 00:11:24,980
No, they piss in the Kelvin.

207
00:11:24,980 --> 00:11:27,300
One glug of that and
you'll be stone deid.

208
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,900
We're no planning to drink
the Kelvin, Boabby. No.

209
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:32,222
But once you drag the
arse of yer wee dinghy

210
00:11:32,247 --> 00:11:35,100
over a jaggy shopping trolley
you'll be drinking plenty.

211
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,100
That river's manky.

212
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:40,380
It is not. It's clean now.
There's trout in that river.

213
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:43,260
Aye, hard trout. Trout wi' knives.

214
00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:47,260
Insects, killer midgies! Oh,
it's full of beasties and creatures!

215
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:49,620
It's the Kelvin, no the Congo.

216
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:52,700
Pete the Jakey claimed he saw
a crocodile in it one year.

217
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:56,220
Mind you, that was back when he was
injecting Absynth into his tongue.

218
00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:59,500
Boabby's talking shite, lads.
It's perfectly safe.

219
00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,940
Especially the bit you're going on.

220
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:06,700
Eh, but know this. It's complacency
that kills the sailor.

221
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:10,660
The water is a cruel mistress
and temperamental, too.

222
00:12:10,660 --> 00:12:14,940
Disrespect her and she'll
envelop you.

223
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:16,540
Like a...

224
00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:18,100
an envelope.

225
00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:22,780
Happy birthday, Victor.

226
00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:24,300
Cheers, son.

227
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:29,220
What's this? Postmark Jo'Burg.

228
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,860
What is it?

229
00:12:38,860 --> 00:12:40,540
It's a broken bottle of malt...

230
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:43,620
and a whisky flavoured scarf.

231
00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:50,780
Hello, Tam. Isa.

232
00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:52,969
What's all this?
Pork pies there,

233
00:12:52,974 --> 00:12:56,360
ham sandwiches and steak
bakes out of Gregg's there.

234
00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:59,340
Victor knows nothing about it!

235
00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:03,340
It's a lovely thing Jack's done
for him, do you not think, Tam?

236
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:04,860
Aye, aye.

237
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:06,420
Gies a steak bake.

238
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:10,860
No. You've tae wait. It's Victor's
day, you're no busting into it.

239
00:13:10,860 --> 00:13:12,740
Jack says they'll be here at one.

240
00:13:12,740 --> 00:13:17,220
One! My eyes'll be starin' oot
ma heid by then! Will that dae us?

241
00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:20,860
CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS
Aye. That's nice, Eric.

242
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:25,540
Right. Shoes aff. I'm stickin'
ma tootsies right in that water.

243
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:27,660
It's lovely here, in't it?

244
00:13:27,660 --> 00:13:32,220
You'd never think that you're right in
the heart of the city. It's like paradise.

245
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:37,100
Me and Harry used to come here
when we were courting, like.

246
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:42,140
Aye. He used to dae that, an all.
Stick his feet in the water.

247
00:13:42,140 --> 00:13:46,540
Aye,
this is where we had our first kiss.

248
00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:48,980
Oh, beautiful.

249
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:52,420
Bloody roasting, but beautiful!

250
00:13:52,420 --> 00:13:55,740
Ya greedy big bastard, ye!

251
00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:06,620
I'm no' so sure about this, Jack.

252
00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:09,300
Gie yersel' peace.
No, it's a great thing, that.

253
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,020
Climb aboard, gentlemen.

254
00:14:11,020 --> 00:14:13,060
Get yer sea legs, eh?

255
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,340
Aye, she's a craft of 22 years.

256
00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:19,820
Six years in the service
of Her Majesty's Army

257
00:14:19,820 --> 00:14:24,780
and 16 years
lying in ma loft gathering stoor.

258
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:27,660
She looks sturdy. Aye, aye, aye.

259
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:31,580
It's a belter. Aye, aye, when
you get oot, stick to the middle.

260
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:36,020
Keep away from the shallows
and the debris around the edges.

261
00:14:36,020 --> 00:14:39,940
That's your oars,
and put your life jackets on.

262
00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:42,380
Woah, woah, woah. Life jackets?

263
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:45,700
Just for safety.
Aye, it's all organised.

264
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:48,460
Oh, aye. And speaking of safety,

265
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:50,780
in that bag there is a flare.

266
00:14:50,780 --> 00:14:53,260
Just in case. Just in case?

267
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:54,980
Just for safety?

268
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,700
It's gein' me the fear, this, Jack.

269
00:14:56,700 --> 00:15:02,260
Oh, no, no. Now before you push off,
should you wish to come ashore anywhere,

270
00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:06,620
just do a wee anchor bend...

271
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:10,420
...like that. OK?

272
00:15:10,420 --> 00:15:12,380
Want to try it, Jack?

273
00:15:20,260 --> 00:15:23,180
Perfect.

274
00:15:23,180 --> 00:15:24,740
Do you want to come wi' us, Shug?

275
00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:28,780
No, no, no, no. It's your day.
You and him.

276
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:32,260
Besides,
I nearly died in this bastard.

277
00:15:32,260 --> 00:15:35,060
But you'll be fine.

278
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:37,740
Course they'll be fine,
with me at the helm!

279
00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:40,340
Chase yersel'!

280
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:43,980
How? Because it's his
birthday, no yours. Oh, come on.

281
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:47,300
I was born to be sea. I mean, I've
got the wooden leg and everything.

282
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:50,700
There's nae room, Winston.
You'll capsize us ya fat bastard!

283
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,900
Right. Fine. I'll just
take my gift back then, will I?

284
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:56,620
A monogrammed hip flask. V. M.

285
00:15:56,620 --> 00:16:00,820
Victor McDade. That's you. And it's
chock full of Johnnie Walker, tae.

286
00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:02,420
HE WHISTLES

287
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:05,020
Welcome aboard, Boatswain Ingram!

288
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:00,980
What a present this is!

289
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:05,620
Aye, you've fair outdone yourself this
time, Jackie boy. I'm sorry I doubted you.

290
00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:07,820
Not at all, Victor.

291
00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:09,780
You don't happen to
be hungry, do you?

292
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:13,580
As a matter of fact, I am...
Yoohoo! Jack!

293
00:17:13,580 --> 00:17:17,020
Victor!
Bingo. What's this?

294
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:21,140
Permission to go ashore, sir, for
a light lunch and small imbuement.

295
00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:24,780
Permission granted! Right, Winston.

296
00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:27,220
Off yer arse, take us in.
Oh, right. Right.

297
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:31,740
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birth... #

298
00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:33,820
Are you coming in?

299
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:37,060
Paddle faster, ye wankers, yees.
We're trying!

300
00:17:37,060 --> 00:17:38,780
I'm knackered.

301
00:17:38,780 --> 00:17:40,420
Come on!

302
00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:42,460
What've you got here?

303
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:45,580
Steak bakes, pork pies, beer!

304
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,340
Faster!

305
00:17:47,340 --> 00:17:51,100
Wait a minute... Right!

306
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:53,060
Here's the rope. Eric!

307
00:17:55,380 --> 00:17:59,260
Och, away ye go, ya wanker ye!

308
00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:01,980
Throw the food!
Throw something, come on!

309
00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:08,700
Throw us the steak bakes!

310
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:32,260
I'm concussed. I'm sure of it.

311
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:35,340
Why did you let that
bloody flare aff?

312
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:37,140
It was an emergency.

313
00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:40,500
It's no an emergency no getting fed,
Victor. It is tae me.

314
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:42,180
I've had nae breakfast.

315
00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:44,660
I didn't even got a bite oot ma
roll before you dragged me oot!

316
00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:47,540
I've had nae breakfast.
I could eat a scabby horse.

317
00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:49,820
All I've had is a
couple of strips of bacon.

318
00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:53,300
And a sausage and a
black pudding and an egg...

319
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,580
and some fried toast, and all...

320
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:58,940
And a tottie scone...
Oh, aye, beans and mushrooms...

321
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:00,900
Shut up!

322
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:04,300
I'm seein double.
There's four of you in this boat.

323
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:07,460
Right, what are we doing noo?
Eh, Mr Organisation?

324
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:11,180
I don't know.

325
00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:13,060
Where are we?

326
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:16,700
Oh, it's no so bonny roond here.

327
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:22,140
Aye, this is a bad part of the
river. Is that the Park Mill flats?

328
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:25,860
Oh, Jesus!
We're no in Park Mill, are we?

329
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,900
Apache country.

330
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,420
SIRENS AND HOWLING

331
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:34,100
What the hell was that? Calm doon,
probably just a ned or something.

332
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:37,540
I don't like this, Jack.
It's turning sour.

333
00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:41,180
I want out the boat.
Never get out the boat.

334
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,340
Absolutely godamm right.
Aye, well I want oot.

335
00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:47,900
Even if there was a place to get
oot the boat, we're in Parkmill.

336
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,308
This place is twinned
wi' the Gaza strip.

337
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:53,060
I tell you, get oot the
boat, ye'll get flayed.

338
00:19:53,060 --> 00:19:56,431
Jack's right. The last time I was
stupid enough to come through here

339
00:19:56,436 --> 00:19:58,000
I got beat up by a six year old!

340
00:19:58,020 --> 00:19:59,580
Oh, no.

341
00:19:59,580 --> 00:20:01,660
Here we go...

342
00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:06,100
They look like bastards.

343
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:07,860
You're losin yer melon.

344
00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:11,100
Scared fae a couple of kids.

345
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,740
How do, now?

346
00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:15,620
See, there ye are.

347
00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:17,100
Duck!

348
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:24,060
We're under attack!

349
00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:26,222
If I ever get aff
this boat, Jack,

350
00:20:26,247 --> 00:20:29,644
I'm gonnie slit your bastardin' throat!
Just stay low!

351
00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:34,980
Right, we're all right, noo.

352
00:20:42,180 --> 00:20:45,260
What's that noise? What noise?
WATER RUSHES

353
00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:47,620
It's not unlike

354
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:49,740
water falling.

355
00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:54,660
It's exactly like water falling!

356
00:20:54,660 --> 00:20:57,660
Oh! Paddles! Quickly now. Come on.

357
00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:11,540
Aaaghh!

358
00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:13,260
That were a laugh, weren't it?

359
00:21:13,260 --> 00:21:15,220
In here, this'll do us.

360
00:21:19,220 --> 00:21:22,140
Some birthday, this.

361
00:21:22,140 --> 00:21:25,900
Soakin', starvin, lost.

362
00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:29,380
See you, Victor.
You are one torn-faced bastard.

363
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:34,260
You have been moaning since we hit
the water this morning. Come here!

364
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:37,900
What ya daein, ya madman? You're
Jeremy Beadle, aren't ya, hey?

365
00:21:37,900 --> 00:21:40,580
Get that mask off.
I've had enough o' you, you prick!

366
00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:43,140
Get off me! Where's the cameras?

367
00:21:43,140 --> 00:21:45,460
Let me see yer hand!

368
00:21:45,460 --> 00:21:47,460
Back off!

369
00:21:47,460 --> 00:21:51,740
You're turnin' into a loony. That's what
Boabby said. It's the rat piss thing.

370
00:21:51,740 --> 00:21:54,740
You've took a mouthful
and you're off yer bloody nut!

371
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:57,660
I'm no a loony. You're the loony!

372
00:21:57,660 --> 00:22:00,460
What ye daein for Winston's
birthday? A firin' squad?

373
00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:02,860
Sign me up for that.

374
00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:04,420
Anything but this!

375
00:22:07,220 --> 00:22:09,460
Meat and drink, fellas.

376
00:22:18,860 --> 00:22:21,620
I would have them again.

377
00:22:21,620 --> 00:22:24,180
Prawn cocktail.
That's a first for me.

378
00:22:24,180 --> 00:22:26,620
How was yours? Oh, yeah.

379
00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:30,620
My tomato ketchup flavour
crisps were right on the money.

380
00:22:30,620 --> 00:22:37,260
I had a packet of Starburst, a Mars bar,
an even half dozen of fondant bananas.

381
00:22:37,260 --> 00:22:40,980
About to have a
Pepperami for ma puddin.

382
00:22:40,980 --> 00:22:43,220
Oh!

383
00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:56,180
Is it knackered?

384
00:22:59,260 --> 00:23:01,540
PLAYS A CHORD

385
00:23:01,540 --> 00:23:06,780
You know what, despite these two bollocks
on ma foreheid, it's been a good day.

386
00:23:06,780 --> 00:23:08,300
Aye.

387
00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:11,580
Sorry about that wee
outburst earlier on, Jack.

388
00:23:11,580 --> 00:23:13,180
It's forgotten, Victor boy.

389
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,500
Do you know what this is like?

390
00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:19,780
You know that movie wi'
the boy with the big tache.

391
00:23:19,780 --> 00:23:22,820
Smokey and the Bandit. How?

392
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:27,020
No, no, no. The one when they
go doon the river on the canoe.

393
00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:30,020
Deliverance. Aye.

394
00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:33,780
It was a good movie, that. Aye.

395
00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:36,500
Mind you, somebody got
pumped in that, didn't they?

396
00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:39,380
Aye. By hillbillies.

397
00:23:39,380 --> 00:23:42,620
Ye haven't organised
that for us, have ye?

398
00:23:42,620 --> 00:23:47,820
Here, see if it was that movie, you'd
be the one to get pumped, Jack. How?

399
00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:50,980
Cos it's the wee fat one
that gets pumped in Deliverance.

400
00:23:50,980 --> 00:23:54,980
Victor can be Burt Reynolds. It's
his birthday. Ooh! I like that. Aye.

401
00:23:54,980 --> 00:23:59,020
That makes you the ugly half-witted
bastard that plays the banjo.

402
00:24:00,420 --> 00:24:03,540
PLAYS INTRO TO "Duelling Banjos"

403
00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:08,860
You enjoyed your birthday, then?
Oh, aye. One of the best.

404
00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:13,860
Sling us another can,
will ye, Winston?

405
00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:15,860
What? No, there's none left.

406
00:24:15,860 --> 00:24:17,940
I wonder who that
carry out belonged to.

407
00:24:17,940 --> 00:24:20,460
Haw!
Oh, Jesus!

408
00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:22,660
Back in the boat.

409
00:24:24,180 --> 00:24:26,620
No, this way! In the boat, ya diddy!

410
00:24:26,620 --> 00:24:28,620
Christ!

411
00:24:33,660 --> 00:24:37,540
Youse are deid!
Do we look deid? Gi' us our beer.

412
00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:40,380
We drank it all.
And it was delicious!

413
00:24:40,380 --> 00:24:42,420
Stop that. Yer just annoying them.

414
00:24:42,420 --> 00:24:44,620
Do you know what we're
gonnae dae to yous?

415
00:24:44,620 --> 00:24:48,260
No. See if you hum it,
I'll try and play it.

416
00:24:54,220 --> 00:24:56,740
Where are we noo?

417
00:24:56,740 --> 00:24:59,780
We're home and dry, boys.
Just round this bend is the Clyde.

418
00:24:59,780 --> 00:25:03,580
I used to work it.
There's a slipway.

419
00:25:03,580 --> 00:25:08,020
We can paddle up to that, jump on it,
and we can get a bus right up the road.

420
00:25:14,620 --> 00:25:17,340
Oh, here, what aboot the boat?
Oh, aye.

421
00:25:17,340 --> 00:25:21,740
Well, we could take our time and let
all the air out it, roll it up flat

422
00:25:21,740 --> 00:25:25,620
and the three of us could humph
it up the road dripping wet.

423
00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:28,420
Or we could say it burst and sank.

424
00:25:28,420 --> 00:25:32,620
Burst and sank. It was a shame that.
Unfortunate.

425
00:25:32,620 --> 00:25:36,420
What a day. No offence, Jack,
but I'm glad it's done.

426
00:25:36,420 --> 00:25:40,260
It's no done yet.
Oh, Jesus! Is that a telly?

427
00:25:40,260 --> 00:25:42,140
Oh, no.

428
00:25:42,140 --> 00:25:43,700
You shouldn't huv drunk our beer.

429
00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:46,340
We're sorry. We're pensioners.

430
00:25:46,340 --> 00:25:48,500
It's ma birthday today.

431
00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:50,740
Oh, happy birthday!

432
00:25:50,740 --> 00:25:53,220
We've all clubbed together
and got you a telly!

433
00:25:57,060 --> 00:26:01,700
Abandon ship! No, the rat's piss
thing, remember. Just keep rowing.

434
00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:04,540
There's the slipway! Keep rowing.

435
00:26:17,060 --> 00:26:18,580
Quick!

436
00:26:26,380 --> 00:26:27,980
Quick. In here.

437
00:26:39,460 --> 00:26:41,980
Ssh! Don't move!

438
00:26:41,980 --> 00:26:43,900
We know yer in here.

439
00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:46,340
We're gonnae
boot the shite oot of you!

440
00:26:46,340 --> 00:26:48,260
Jinkie, hit the light!

441
00:27:02,260 --> 00:27:04,460
All the best, Victor.

442
00:27:04,460 --> 00:27:06,260
Cheers, boys.

443
00:27:06,260 --> 00:27:08,060
What age are you again?

444
00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:10,620
75, son. Magic, man.

445
00:27:10,620 --> 00:27:12,340
Good age.

446
00:27:12,340 --> 00:27:14,460
My granda's 75 next week.

447
00:27:14,460 --> 00:27:16,660
Is that right? Aye.

448
00:27:16,660 --> 00:27:19,820
Dunno what to get him. Whisky.

449
00:28:00,460 --> 00:28:03,140
Jesus! What a heid!

450
00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:24,860
No-o-o!