Calm doon, wummin.
TV: Any regrets about relocating to Rimini?
Well, Italian's not the easiest...
At first you struggle with the language.
But the locals are very patient with you
and there's a lot of Scots and Brits out here, so you don't get lonely.
That's good. I'm that happy for ye.
Is there anything you miss?
Occasionally you'll miss odd things like tea bags or a tin of Baxter's soup.
But we've long since sorted that.
Oor son Robin comes oot at least once a month
and brings us all those provisions that we miss.
Thank God for Big Stupid Robin runnin' aboot
like a daft lassie for his maw and da(!)
The restaurants are that cheap that you can eat out.
We never use the cooker now! SHE LAUGHS
The cooker's never on! Aye, I'm the same!
I just cook everything in the microwave like a bastardin' astronaut!
I don't mean to sound smug, but when November comes,
we really don't miss the Scottish rain.
With all due respect to the people back home,
they do not know what they're missing.
With all due respect, sweetheart, stick it up yer arse.
I've got my wee bit of Italy right here.
PING!
Bon appetit.
That changes yer view, right enough.
I remember when they built that towerblock and now they're pullin' it doon.
Shower of arseholes.
Who? Architects.
Who needs a balcony 24 up? A balcony, by Christ!
Ye can see the church noo.
Can ye? Let me see.
I cannae see...
These are garbage. Haud on.
I've another set in here.
WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Eh? What? What ye sayin'? Nuthin.
I thought ye said something.
How's that?
Aye, that's me noo.
That's something. I can see Navid pointing up at oor building.
Gie him a wave.
He'll no wave back. He'll no see us. He's no got binoculars.
D'ye mind they pulled doon that row of hooses behind Winston's?
They'd only been standing 11 year. Behind Winston's.
I was offered one of them. A Swiss guy or a Swedish guy had designed them.
Flat roofs.
All right for Algeria but no for here.
Aye. Bunch of wankers.
Where is it you live?
A freezing cauld wet and windy country?
There's a hoose made oot o' papier-mache.
And we'll put all yer windaes in wi' Plasticine.
TELEPHONE RINGS
Hello?
It's Isa.
Calm doon, wummin.
Jesus!
Right, Tam. What's this? It's a kitty for Hughie's widow.
No, Victor. No me. Come on. Get yer haun in yer pocket.
No. And I'll tell ye why.
Cos yer a dirty miserable shite, that's why. No.
If that man had died of a heart attack,
ran over wi' a bus or shot, even, I'd've chipped in.
But divin' out a building?
I know it's harsh, but suicide doesn't merit a kitty.
Tam, whatever happened to, "I left ma wallet in ma other troosers,"
or "I don't draw ma pension till Thursday"?
"Suicide doesnae merit a kitty"?
It's no aboot him any mair. It's aboot his poor wife.
She's left tae deal wi' it awe.
What's she called again?
Ella.
Oh, Ella. That's right.
Sherry please, Boabby.
Gies a pie and beans, Boabby...and a whisky.
Have ye heard? Whit?
Aboot Hughie Casey? Aye.
Terrible business, i'n't it?
Ye think? I think he's done himself a favour, if you ask me.
Come on noo, Winston. You cannae say that.
Ach, gies peace, Isa.
His worries are over. I would do it masel if I didnae only live one up.
I see we've caught you on a guid day.
Look, Hughie Casey was a nice fella.
But it's this place, innit?
The Clansman? Aye, it does get to ye.
Naw, Craiglang.
He's took one look at this place and he's went, "Nah!"
If he was a Red Indian, naebody would be botherin' their arse.
The long walk, they call it.
And it's no a big deal tae them.
Nae shame in it at aw.
To Hughie.
Here is your pie and beans, Dances Wi' One Leg. Stick it up yer arse.
Jesus. What's eatin' him? I don't think Winston's far off the mark.
I knew Hughie well. He didnae want tae retire.
He was all about the job.
Chauffeuring for 40 year.
People relying on him to be there.
Then...no longer required. That's a lot for some folk tae to take.
He said to me before, "I don't know what I'll dae when this is all done."
Sittin' in aw day, every day wi' Ella? Hey, hey!
C'mon, Jack. She's nae oil paintin'.
Jesus Christ, that's terrible.
She's the double of Ken Dodd. Aye, Tam. That's enough. Isa?
Aye. She does have a look of Ken Dodd aboot her.
The two boys got called the Diddy Men at school.
Whoa! Where you goin' wi' that pie, Kemosabe?
Winston's pie? Back into the fridge, Tam,
until such time's as a customer wants to pay for one.
That's been heated. You cannae reheat that. That's Health and Safety.
?1.50.
50.
A pound.
Deal.
Ring the bell. Ach, Isa!
We've never even met this woman. Can YOU no just gie her the money?
And we'll see ye in the pub later? Look...
ye've done a nice thing here havin' a whip roon.
The least ye can dae is hand the money in yerselves.
Anyway, it's good for her to know she's got neighbours round aboot her.
Oh...Isa.
Hello, hen.
I was just daein' a bit of dusting to take ma mind aff things.
Aye. This is Jack and Victor.
They knew Hughie. Would youse like to come in?
Eh...we were sorry to hear that Hughie was Dodd, eh, dead.
That's good of you, Jack.
He often mentioned youse.
Diddy?
Um, did HE?
The boys have aw put together, and eh...
It's no much but...
there ye go.
It's a lovely gesture. Much appreciate it.
Must have been an awful shock. It was just the way it happened.
So quick.
He parked his car.
He came up the stairs.
I went in the kitchen to get him a cuppa.
When I came oot...
...he'd done it.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Oh, that phone!
I wish I could get peace from it. Why don't you just turn it off?
It's his chauffeur phone.
That'll be his boss.
I don't know what to say to him.
Now listen to me, sweetheart. Calm doon.
Don't concern yersel' wi' this any more.
The next time this phone goes, we'll get it and we'll explain
to him what's happened to Hughie and everything's gonnae be fine.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS AGAIN
Hughie Casey's phone. Jack Jarvis Esquire speaking for Hughie Casey.
I'm afraid he's not available at the moment.
I'll be able to explain that...
If I could... If I could just...
Here, listen, I'd rather you didn't take that tone with me.
Aye, well, you'd have a bloody job wringing his neck.
He's in a million bits.
ELLA CRIES
If you want tae rummage through the mush
tae find his neck tae wring, you're welcome to try, sir.
Excuse me, sir. Sorry about that.
That is an idiot boy that works for Hughie.
Just so you understand,
Hughie Casey took his own life by ejecting himself from his ain living room windae.
That's a very considerate question, sir. Yes, the car is fine.
He didn't jump on top of it.
Righto. Hold on.
...They want the car back.
Is that the keys there, hen? Aye.
If you can come to Osprey Heights on Saturday, 2.30?
We'll make sure the car's there.
Right you are. OK.
The fella was a wee bit concerned because Hughie had two weddings this weekend.
That's that oot the windae, eh?
What about Deanhill? Deanhill?
Do I look as if I enjoy crack? Sorry?
Do I look like a junkie? A dragon chaser? Och, no.
No. Well, I'm gonnae look oot o' place in Deanhill, amn't I?
Whit about Cravenwood?
Cravenwood! Yer offering me a flat in Cravenwood?!
Do I get a free shotgun with that, son? Cos I'm gonnae need it in Cravenwood.
That's Comanche country! Ach, ye know what, son?
Just forget it.
Sorry. Mr Ingram! I completely forgot...
What? Your leg.
You're on invalidity, aren't you?
I am. Aye Well, if your interested...
you would qualify for a new council housing initiative.
Keep talkin', son.
Well, it is in Finport, though. Finport?
I used to go there when I was a wean.
Here we are. Lovely big motor, eh?!
Aye, kept it nice, didn't he?
Automatic.
Easy to drive yer automatic.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's you a chauffeur noo, Jack. What the bloody hell are you doing?!
Oh!
Left here, Jack.
For God's sake!
VICTOR TUTS
What are you tutting at?
Ye never checked yer mirror tae see if anyone was behind ye.
That's because there isnae anybody behind us.
Aye, 20/20 hindsight, aye!
You see, your job as the driver...
Chauffeur. Chauffeur, aye, is to convey your passenger effortlessly from A to B
without them being overly concerned with being battered up the arse by another car
because you never checked yer mirror.
Nobody will be getting battered up the arse on ma shift.
Anyway, if I'm the chauffeur, what does that make you?
Aye, well, I've thought about that.
I'll be dealing with the customer, you know, front line.
Opening doors, the smiling face.
You're mair... boiler-room staff really.
I know what your position is. You're the spare prick at a weddin'.
Oh, dear, Jack.
Navvy chat. Ye've showed yerself tae be uncouth.
Unfit to be dealing wi' the general public.
Shut up, ya bastard.
Just drive, ye clown. Don't call me a clown.
Oh!
PEDESTRIAN CROSSING BEEPS
Fergie, ya bloody halfwit!
What ye daein' in the middle of the road on the crossing
when the...when the wee man's at...
green? Sorry!
It's aw right. Just takin' this beer up ma ma's. Oh, aye. Bit of a party, is it?
It's fur ma reception. Are ye marryin' that wee lassie? Congratulations.
Is that Mr Casey's motor? It is, aye.
I was gonnae ask him how much he charges cos that would have been nice.
Pick her up in a big motor. She'd love that.
But he's thrown hissel oot a windae, i'n't he? Aye, he did.
Ach, probably too dear anyway.
So where are you havin' yer reception?
Naewhere. In ma ma's.
Best of luck to the two of ye, Fergie.
Fergie?
Where is it yer girlfriend lives?
Aah, Mr Finport! Eh?
How...?
I know Jackie in the housing office.
Aye, Finport. It's gotta be better than this cesspit.
Good for you, Winston.
Very brave to make that kind of decision at your age.
A life beside the ocean.
Getting to see your horizons, rather than just imagining them.
Nicely put, Navid.
My father-in-law lived inland all his days.
Then as soon as he unloaded Meena onto me, he took his chance
and started up his own business in the coastal town of Puri.
Building pedaloes. Sounds lovely.
Mmm.
So, is he still there?
No. He was eaten by a tiger shark.
There was a reason there weren't any pedaloes in Puri. Silly bastard.
I'll don't think there are any sharks in Finport.
Jelly fish maybe, but nae sharks.
Finport?
Who's off to Finport?
I am. Saturday. Oh, nice.
How long for?
Eh...
...for good.
For good! Finport, by Christ.
What ye laughin' at? That's what I'm daein'.
I'm leaving Craiglang and I'm setting up in Finport.
If you want a break from Craiglang, do what everybody else does.
Take a couple of days in Blackpool.
That's right, but no, you've got to go a wee bit better.
You've got to go the extra mile. Finport, eh?
That's you all over! Impulsive! Madcap!
Another hair-brained scheme from Winnie Ingram!
Well, I'm glad my plan amuses you.
Navid, cheery-bye.
What's the matter with him?
Where we out of line there? Well, I dunno. He's your pal, gentlemen.
You've known each other all your days.
But if you feel confident enough to stand there and rubbish him
in front of the man who sells him his bog roll, then fine!
Jeezo. Yer far on wi' this.
I telt ye I wasnae messin' aboot.
And, listen, if you've come here for round two
of takin' the piss, ye kin sling yer hook.
Actually, we're here to apologise.
Aye. We were out of order. We just didnae think you were serious.
We don't want ye to make a mistake.
I tell ye what would be making a mistake, stayin' here and festerin'.
You know me. Once I've made ma mind up...
But the coast, Winston, it looks dandy on paper.
A lot of people oor age think that's the answer.
It doesnae pan oot that way but.
Apart fae that, yer breakin' up the old team, ye know.
Christ's sake, Jack. What team?
Most of the team are deid.
Youse two are more than welcome to stay here in Craiglang marking time.
But see this place? It depresses me.
It brings me doon.
I'm sick of the same old faces.
Thanks very much, Winston.
Look, you know I didn't mean that.
Youse two are awright. You do your ain thing.
But me, I'm out.
I'll tell you another thing. They're doin' a lot of good things down there.
They've just put new railings right along the front.
Ooh, new railings!
Sorry.
And a new tea room tae. That'll be good.
It's just been done up. It'll be hoachin wi' widows in the summer.
That's what I'll be - the sly auld fox in amongst the chickens, eh?
Look, lads...
I'm no askin' for yer permission, but I want you to be happy for me.
Eric's organised a wee drink on Saturday night in the Clansman.
A wee sort of cheerio affair.
Will ye come? Eric's organised it, has he?
Aye, we'll come. Of course we'll come.
To the fanny in Finport.
And the other one who'll be joining them shortly.
Oh.
Oh, aye, here, lads! This is Jack and Victor!
They're gonnae pick Sinead up the morra!
How youse doin'? C'mon, we'll buy ye a drink!
No, no. Yer awright, son. We're a wee bit past stag parties.
Garbage. We're going up tae Reflections.
Gonnae get full o' it. C'mon.
Reflections? No. Enjoy yersel', Fergie.
I'll see ye the morra.
I've to let you know about Winston's drink. In here tomorrow night.
You're all the heroes we know all about it.
See ye then.
4pm.
Ye'll have heard aboot this, eh? Winston off to the coast. Aye.
It's a mistake.
Jealous?
Excuse me? You two. Jealous.
Winston! Don't go!
Don't leave us! Yer makin' a mistake! Holding on tae his wooden leg! Sta-ay!
What is it you're on aboot? You two.
You don't like change.
As much as I think he's an arsehole, at least Winston's got balls.
The balls to get up and go. Make changes.
And youse cannae stand it.
Pish. It's not pish.
Winston's a bull and he wants into the next field. Nothing's gonnae stop him.
Whereas you two are sheep.
And Craiglang is yer wee pen.
Right, if that's us, what does that make you?
I know what I am.
A brainless bastard.
The highlight of my day is eating one of ma ain pies
and throwing a few quid intae that puggy.
I know I'll no get oot a here but I've made peace with it.
Craiglang is Death Row
and I'm...I'm on it.
Dead man walking.
Don't rise to that, Victor. He's just pullin' yer chain.
There's plenty of life left in Craiglang yet.
Oh, aye? Where are you two rock stars up tae the night, when you leave here?
Close the curtains. Be-e-e-e-ed.
No, we're going to Reflections.
Aye! Are we?
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Jesus, that boy's got his haun right up that lassie's skirt! Is that allowed?
Evidently.
When was the last time you done that?
I don't know, but Pat Boone was singing while I was daein' it.
This is murder. Let's get oot o' here.
No, you're all right, Fergie. C'mon! Get it doon ye! It's best o' gear.
We're no very big on the blue drinks, Fergie. What are they?
Electroid - vodka, Red Bull and Blue Bols.
That's all we're needin' at oor age.
Blue Bols. We're away!
C'mon. It's ma stag night, man!
For God's sake. Jesus, Jack!
What am I daein' in your bloody hoose?
I'll tell ye what yer doin' in ma hoose.
You and I are a couple of party animals.
HE LAUGHS
Sheep, by Christ!
Ooh...this is the bollocks right enough.
Very strange, though.
What's that? Well, generally if I've been
on a night on the skite, I couldnae face that.
But I feel great.
Aye, me an' awe.
I'll tell ye why that is. See yer boozy coloured drinks,
they're full of vitamin C and fruit juice.
That'll be why the kiddies drink it, aye.
So they can get up nice and early in the morning and go to school.
What a day! I remember Sinead when she was a wee lassie!
Is that right, aye? Prick. Couldnae remember his address.
Are you the drivers? That's right, sweetheart.
Who are you? The blushing bride?
Ooh-hoo! ALEC, that's the drivers here!
'SINEAD!'
"Who are you? The blushing bride!" Shut up. You no wantin' a tip? Fae this mob?
Oh, er, nearly ready then, eh? Just getting a button put on ma troosers.
Bastard pinged aff this morning when I was tryin' them on. It's the cider.
It's a bastard. Ye's wantin' a can?
Oh, no, no.
Here she comes, the bride noo!
Look at her skin! She's been Tangoed! That's no skin, that's rind!
This way, darlin'. What a day!
I remember when Sinead...
Aye, a wee lassie! Aye.
In ye get, darlin'.
Beautiful motor. Classy.
Where's the other motors?
Other motors? Will we all get in this?
I've been a bit selfish with the driving.
Would you like to drive, Victor? And I'll sit with...
No, I'm fine, Jack. Fine.
Haud the bus, driver! I need tae dae the scramble.
Scramble!
Fur God's sake, Da. How much did you throw oot?
Three pound and a power card.
Thanks, fellas! That was smash...
You're welcome. Get back in the car.
Eh? Get back in the car.
Oh!
Hello there! There's your keys there.
Ah, now...
the reason the car's... warm is we, um...
That's because we started it up.
We did, aye. Because...
...because we didn't want you gettin'...a flat battery. Battery.
That's right. Thanks.
Winston's drinks! Oh, Jesus.
Stop! Ye couldnae drap us at the Clansman, could ye?
Well.
Better be off. My taxi comes soon tae take me tae the bus depot.
Hold on for Jack and Victor, Winston.
They'll no want to miss ye. Och, no.
They're obviously busy daein' something else.
Right.
Oh, I'll miss ye, Winston.
Come on, you. Nae tears.
Remember, I'm only away doon the coast.
Listen, hen, thanks very much for that jumper, by the way.
Boabby, thanks for the malt.
Eric, thanks for that smashin' set of darts.
Tam, thanks for...sitting there
and watching me getting gifts off everybody else.
No problem, Winston. Oh, Winston, thank God you're still here.
Oh, ye finally made it.
Eh, we got you something.
Oh, aye. That's right.
We just wanted to wish ye luck.
Well, you've been a great pal.
It's very nice, that.
If you ever need to find yer way back...
There's a compass on the front.
Oh, full, tae.
Oh, it's full o' lemonade.
It was just to gie ye an idea what weight it would be... when it's full o' whisky.
Very nice of ye, fellas.
Right.
Well, I guess that's me then.
Right, where is he? I'm gonnae rip that little bastard's lungs oot!
What the hell's happened?
Fergie! He stood ma Sinead up! Wait a minute, where is he?
Youse were the last to see him. No, we werenae.
Youse were. You took him hame!
Did we?
DRUNKEN SINGING
Jack!
Victor!
Ya couple of basta-a-ards!
SCREAMING AND SHOUTING
Finport?
Finport, aye.
To live.
Really? Me too.
Is that right?
Aye.
Well, my husband died last year so, um...
Sorry to hear that.
Oh, no. He left me a fortune.
So I'm off to Finport to spend the lot. Oh, aye?
And I'm looking for a man to spend it with. But most of all...
I'm looking for somebody to attend to these puppies.
They've been so-o neglected.
FINPORT!
Feet aff!