HE LAUGHS Aye! "So it's the tenth round and I'm going in for the kill. Eh?
Are you telling us who it is? Naw.
You'll see in a minute.
It'll be a naebody. It's always a naebody.
Who did we get last year?
It was that tit out of Big Brother.
Big Arthur set about him cos he smashed the bottle
and naebody knew who he was. That's right.
Then we had to apologise cause he was "The Celebrity".
Celebrity my hole. He was papped out of Big Brother
after a week for being a creepy bastard.
What field of celebrity is this person fae?
Sport.
It's either Jocky Wilson or that ugly bastard, what do ye call him?
Duncan Goodhew? Naw. No baldy.
Useless, stupid face, man.
Fatima Whitbread. Close. Skier!
Eddie the Eagle. Aye, that's him. Get it up ye. I'm ootae here.
No, no. It's better than that.
We're talking world class here.
Michael Schumacher? Aye, that's right.
He took the slip road fae Monte Carlo into Craiglang. Right, last clue. Boxer.
Boxer?
You better hope it's no Mike Tyson, Shug!
With them bloody ears, he'll think Boabby's laid on a buffet!
No, not Mike Tyson.
Jim Watt.
Well done, Winston. How'd you get that?
He's outside parkin' his motor.
Ladies and Gentlemen...
Please welcome, light weight world champion, Mr Jim Watt!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Jim. Nice to meet ye. We thought ye'd be an arsehole. You what?
Boabby always gets an arsehole for charity things, but you're not one.
Thanks very much. A few of you look like you could lose a few pounds!
THEY LAUGH
These are passes for my gym over at Shawbank.
It's never too late to start looking after yourselves!
ALL MUTTER AGREEMENT
So, where's this bottle?
Any chance of a quick photo?
Aye, nae bother. Alec...
Sorry, Michelle, love. I left a message on yer machine.
I got Jim Watt. Right. Nae bother. SHE SIGHS
Aye, nice fella.
Aye, he wasnae in a hurry to rush off either.
Stayed for a couple of drinks. Never bought a round but.
Miserable bastard. Aye, he's a miserable bastard.
"Ooh, I'm the great Jim Watt, I've to get a drink for nothing!"
HE LAUGHS Aye! "So it's the tenth round and I'm going in for the kill. Eh?
Aye, Large Vodka and Coke, smashing. THEY LAUGH
What's that? I don't know.
Isa?
Hello, boys. What's happening here?
It's gonnae be a pizza shop. Int it lovely?
A pizza shop? In Craiglang? Aye. They've got one in the High Street.
Their pizzas are smashin'.
I remember, one night... That's plenty.
That's quite encouraging. What do you make of that?
I thought we'd seen the last of the takeaways when the Chinese fella left.
HE LAUGHS He never left, Jack.
He pumped Chaz Taylor's wife and got ran out of town. That's right!
She was ordering Chinese food every night for aboot six months before he tippled.
The weans were aw blew up like balloons!
Ye ever had pizza?
Naw, only that deep fried shite out the chippy with grease runnin' out.
Aye, he's a shit monger.
Deep fried haggis, black pudding and wee ratty bits of fish covered in batter.
Aye. Black chips... Ah well, this'll put the wind up him.
He's been getting away wi' murder for years.
That's what you want, quality Italian food.
Any pizza on the go, son? No, not till tomorrow.
Chippy? Aye, chippy.
Go, Spacehopper, go. Feel it!
TV: Spacehopper and Velvet Spark neck and neck as they go towards
the finish and it's Velvet Spark by a head from Spacehopper in second...
Dear God. What have I got to do to get a win?
Oooh, Spacehopper let you down?
Ach, well. Ye'll just have to bounce over to the post office,
bounce back here and back another loser!
Ye b...
Here, Winston! Be sure and come back mind!
There's a horse called Fat Twat running at 3:15!
HE LAUGHS
SHE LAUGHS
Hi.
There you go. Thanks.
Hello! Boabby...
What? I'm Boabby.
Right. I'm Stacey.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Boabby. You're, er... Stacey.
I'm Boabby.
This is new... Yep.
Right.
I'll take a pizza. What size would you like?
Your biggest one. 18 inches? Yes. Excellent.
That's a pretty big pizza.
Not for me. I love pizza.
I probably eat it... I dunno, once a week.
What do you want on it?
When it comes to pizza, I like it all...
Except onions...
Or mushrooms...
Or the bits of sausage you see.
I'm not mad for tomatoes. No a lot of cheese. Goes for me.
So what you're sayin' is, you don't like pizza?
No, no really.
I don't bother with them either. You've got to watch your weight.
I'm into that, too.
I go to the gym and work out.
Big time. Oh, aye. Yeah. Never out of the old, erm...Shaw...
...Bank gym. That's the one I go to.
I haven't seen you there.
I actually tore a ligament a couple of weeks back there.
It's better now.
I'm gonna go back, eh...
When are you next...?
SHE LAUGHS Tomorrow night.
Yeah? That's when I'm going back. Tomorrow night. I'll see you there.
Listen...
I've got the pub round the corner so if you're ever in for a drink...
I might do that.
Yes, sir? Now, don't tell me they're keeping
a beauty like you in here morning, noon and night.
No, I'm just days.
Roberto works at night.
What can I get you? Lemme have the thin crust Romano Quattro Formaggio
with the tomato sliced extra thin, please,
and give the whole thing a light dusting of Parmesan.
There's a fella who knows what he wants.
HE LAUGHS
A Hawaiian. What's on a Hawaiian?
# She lives on just coconuts and fish from the sea... #
Is it fish and coconuts? No.
Hawaii 5-0. 50 toppings? You wouldn't be able to lift that, Jack.
Yer way out. Ham and pineapple.
Eurgh. Pineapple?
On a pizza? That's no right. Gies another one. Margarita.
Is that not a drink? Boabby, what's in a Margherita?
Erm...Tequila and lime.
Oh, no.
A pizza that gets ye pished? No.
Cheese and tomato. That's all it is.
I wonder if they sell it by the slice - save ye buyin' a whole yin.
Here we go. "Why not build your own?" Choose any topping you want.
Boabby, what would you have on a pizza?
I'd have the lassie that's in the shop on it.
Nae cheese, nae tomato. Just tits.
Very nice(!) Very David Niven.
She's a cracker though. A faint heart never won fair maiden.
I'm gonnie make a move.
Dressed like that? Who are you supposed to be? Rocky Arseano?!
No. Sugar Ray Loner. THEY LAUGH
Wank Bruno. Oh! APPLAUSE
Get it up yis. Eric, you're in charge.
I'll see yis later.
Hi, Stacey. Hi, Boabby. You just starting?
Just warming up, aye.
Dunno where to start.
Legs, arms. Stomach, maybe.
Just gonnie...ease myself back into it.
Who's looking after the pub?
One of my minions. You've got to delegate.
Come on, guys! I'm supposed to be in charge here!
You don't want to do too much when you've been out with an injury.
You see, I believe... Arrrrrghhhh!
Wow. That was some lift.
Aah, well.
Light work out.
Listen, are you hungry? Starving.
I'm gonnie catch a bite to eat. You wanna join me?
That sounds great. I'm just about done here.
See you later.
Feel the burn, Boabby!
Feel the burn!
So you've made your move,
and you've let that wee shite nip in front of you.
I've no let him do anything. He just...beat me to it.
Yer a wanker, Boabby.
How am I a wanker?
You should have had a word wi' Stevie.
When we were your age and you had your eye on a lassie
as often as not, you wouldn't be the only one eying her up. So?
You've got to eliminate the opposition.
That clears the field and gets the respect of the lady.
I don't get what your sayin'.
Take Stevie to one side and set aboot him. What?!
Aye, he took my pension off me yesterday, left me pratted.
Let me do it for you, Boabby.
I dreamt aboot gettin' that bastard a scheme bootin'.
That's a great world youse live in, intit?
Why don't I get a white horse, gallop past the pizza shop, snatch her up
and ride into the sunset, shooting likely suitors as I go?
Right guys. Finish up.
Boabby, Stevie is a witless bastard.
He's as funny as a fire in an orphanage.
If you want this lassie's attention, make her laugh.
It's a well known fact that you can laugh a lassie into bed.
Aye. Show her your tadger. She'll piss herself.
Jack, please. I'm trying to help the boy.
Winston's got a good point, Jack. Charlie Chaplin he was NEVER without a woman.
What do you call the guy with the cigars?
George Burns. George Burns, he was the same.
Jesus, even that ugly bastard, Bruce Forsyth,
bagged himself a Miss World for God's sake.
I'm telling you, funny gets the fanny.
What can I get you? You still serving?
Aye, aye. Lager for me.
What will you have, Stacey, darling? Hi, Boabby. Gin and tonic, please.
Excuse me a second, Stacey.
TOM CLEARS HIS THROAT
HE LAUGHS
Here's another one. Another what?
Another one of my jokes.
Oh, aye. You'll like this, hen. Boabby. What a laugh he is.
We were just saying, if you ever give up the pub game,
you could be a stand up comedian, nae bother.
He's that good... On ye go.
Right.
This horse walks into a pub and the barman says, "Ho-ho".
He looks at the horse and says,
"What's with the face?"
Long face.
What? Long face.
He looks at the horse and he says, "Long Face."
"Your face is long." Oh, dear Christ.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING
So, you and Stevie, eh? Me and Stevie?! Noo.
Well, you've been out together... He asked me.
It was hardly a date.
Right.
Well, so it's no...
You're still...
Technically...
What is it you want to ask me, Boabby?
Eh...
Do you want to go out...
with... wi' me?
Sure. Brilliant!
That's that, then.
Right.
Two nuns in a bath... Woah, Boabby!
This is magic. Aye. It's dead exciting.
How long's that now?
25 minutes.
I cannae wait. Can you? No. I cannae wait, no.
DOORBELL CHIMES
Oh! THEY LAUGH
Hello. ?8.95. Winston! What's this?
Pizza. You ordered it.
No, I mean what are you doin'?
Shuddup. It's a cushy wee number. Cash in hand at the end of the night.
You're ma first delivery. I laughed when I seen the address.
That's a cracker, intit? A pizza delivery boy with a wooden leg.
THEY LAUGH You get a scooter. Right Winston. ?8.95, you say.
There's nine. Keep the change.
That's very good of you. I'll jump into Navid's and get a Caramel.
Winston, c'mere.
Is there no an opportunity arisen here? Eh?
Can you not get us free pizza?
What? Pizzas must disappear all the time.
Why don't you make one disappear up here now and again?
Aye. We're mates. That's smashing that, you want me to steal for you?
Well, not steal exactly. They must get cancellations.
There's me in my new job, for good people. They've put me in a position of trust.
And I am trying to do that to the best of my ability.
Just because we're mates you think you can take advantage?
Can we not at least talk about it? No! The conversation's closed.
Winston! Here, have a slice of pizza.
I'm not hungry.
Bloody jobs worth! Arsehole!
You dirty greedy fat bastard!
Stevie.
Don't see you in here much.
Nah. Just killing time, really, till Stacey knocks off.
Then we go on our hot date.
You think you're a smart ass?
Smart ass?
How am I a smart ass?
That wee stunt you pulled in the pub.
I think you'll find Stacey's a free agent.
Aye, well I'm no beat.
You've crossed the line, son.
OK, bookie boy.
Let's have a bet then, shall we?
Me and Stacey go bowling at half seven.
A few drinks and dinner at nine.
Back to mine at 11.
Sooo I'll have 50 quid on, "I'll shag her," 11:30!
Don't kid yourself, Boabby.
I've got my own business! A Mercedes!
You work in a pub that doesn't even belong to you.
You work for the man.
You're a deadbeat. It's nae contest.
If anybody's gonna shag her, it's me.
We'll see, will we?
Feel the burn, Stevie.
Feel the burn!
What's on it? Spicy sausage, hot pepperoni
and jalapenos.
What are jalapenos?
I don't know. Wait a minute.
What's jalapenos?
Oh, no. They'll burn the hole off us.
Just mushroom and onion, thanks.
Jarvis, Floor 14.
It's Osprey Heights.
All right. Thanks, bye.
That's a curious thing, that. Have you read the bottom of this? No. How?
"Our pizza pledge.
"If you're pizza is not with you in 30 minutes,
you will receive it absolutely free!"
Well, how long did he take to deliver it last time? 25 minutes.
Well, we're humped then, aren't we? Are we?
If he'll not give it us for free, we'll have to take it.
Oh, Winston. Isa. Oh, my God.
Did you hear what happened? No.
Terrible. Navid's is burnt to the ground. Eh? Is everyone all right?
Aye. But the shop's gone. Totally gone. When did this happen?
This afternoon. Meena left a pot on and went out. It went on fire.
Jesus! Then the fire brigade came.
They said, it was the worst fire caused by a pot being left on,
that they'd ever been at.
The worst of it is, that Navid lost his entire livelihood,
I'm out a job and Meena's lost... a good pot.
I cannae believe the shop's gone.
Well, you'll probably not notice any difference.
Navid said he'll probably have it all tidied up
and back to normal in the morning.
Back to normal after burning it to the ground? Absolutely.
You'll never know it happened.
I'll probably only be out a job till tomorrow.
Isa, what time is it? Three minutes to go.
Did Jack and Victor send you down to delay me?
They said if you were late the pizza's free. What's in it for you?
Two slices. Out ma way.
Nice try, arseholes.
Enjoy yer pizza.
HE BREATHES OUT HEAVILY
You weren't in ma bookies today collecting your fifty quid
so I'm assuming nothing happened. HE ROARS
That's right...nothing happened!
Good.
So here's what's gonnie happen.
I'm gonnie be taking her out and I'm gonnie shag her.
That's what's happening. Understood?!
Aww!
Right, ya couple of wankers, break it up!
I'm gonnie kill you! Come ahead!
Look, if youse two guys have got a problem,
don't be rolling about in my gym like a couple of lassies.
Let's settle your differences like men.
Come on.
In here.
When? Friday. I'll be there.
I'll be there an' all. So will I... Good! Good!
Good. Now piss off!
Friday.
30 seconds, Jack, then it's free pizza!
I cannae wait to see his face!
Ya couple of pricks. Ye cannae beat me.
Ye won't beat me.
I'm the pizza man!
Thank you!
Enjoy yer pizza!
Gin and tonic, please.
Is Boabby not here? No. He's up at the gym.
Him and Stevie are having a boxing match over some lassie.
What?! Aye. Everybody's doon there and I'm stuck in here.
I'm gutted cause I'd have paid money to see
they two arseholes knocking lumps ootae each other!
It's strange, innit? What's that?
Not knowing who to cheer for.
HE LAUGHS Aye. Cos they're both pricks.
I'm gonna go for Boabby. Boabby!
Boabby's a wanker.
Aye, but he's our wanker. Aye, well.
Boys, I've got a wee book goin'.
Who have you got as favourite? Stevie. By a long shot.
Tenner each on on Stevie. Stevie it is.
Come on, Boabby, son, eye of the tiger!
BELL RINGS
Right, quiet everybody.
Now, these two...fighters are gonnie battle it out
over three rounds to settle an argument
to find out who gets to take out some lassie.
They're not professionals, as you'll soon realise,
and I tell you she must be some bit of stuff,
if these two fellas are willing to go toe to toe for her. She's got great tits!
THEY LAUGH
And after this fight they're gonna be my tits!
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Are you boys sure you want to do this?
Listen, Jim, if you'd seen this bit of gear you'd pull the gloves on an' all.
Don't take our word for it, Jim.
There she's there. Look.
Would you not walk over broken glass for a half hour with that?
Stacey?! Hello, Dad.
My Stacey!
THEY GROAN
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
Everything's in place. Make the call.
He's taken the bait, Jack. Excellent.
VAN SCREECHES TO A STOP
Now!
AIR GUSHES OUT OF THE TYRE
Bastards! You all right there, Winston?
This is ridiculous!
I'll be back to get ye in five minutes, Joe!
He's mobile again, Jack.
HE LAUGHS
Come on.
Come on!
Nearly there, Jack. THEY LAUGH
Did you stop him? Oh, I stopped him.
You should have seen his face, that's him humped.
Free pizza, twice as tasty as paid for pizza.
Seconds, Jack, Seconds!
THEY ROAR
?9.95!
HE RINGS THE DOORBELL
Right, that's it.
Oh here, Michelle, now. You've done really well losin' all the weight.
Don't fold now...
Shut it! I've just split up with my boyfriend. Gies them!
Wait a...
'Ere! What about the money?
Piss off! You were late!