1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

2
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,000
Six boxes of cornflakes, Tam.

3
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,000
OK, What's the angle?

4
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,000
What angle?

5
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:49,000
God's sake. I'm into cornflakes.
I love them. Ooh, lovely cold milk.

6
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,000
Cannae beat them. Lovely. OK.

7
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,000
I'll ride the bus to the next stop.

8
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:57,000
£8.60, please. Okey-dokey.

9
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,000
Oh. What's this I see?

10
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,000
And I'm still on the bus...

11
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,000
These are out of date.
Sell-by, been and gone.

12
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,000
I'll tell you my problem, Navid.

13
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,000
I like my cornflakes to be crunchy,
you know?

14
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,000
I just don't know about these.

15
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,000
They're just...

16
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,000
They're just no' gonnae be there,
are they?

17
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,000
So...

18
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,000
I'll gie ye two quid for the lot.

19
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,000
Finally. The terminus.

20
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,000
Give me it. I'm desperate.
Thank you, now.

21
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,000
Navid. You should have chased him.
He's a chancer.

22
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,000
I can't afford to chase him, Isa.

23
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:37,000
He's a customer, and they're very
thin on the ground these days.

24
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,000
That's why those cornflakes
are sitting there so long.

25
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:44,000
People aren't buying anything.
Aye, cos of that new Hyperdales.

26
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,000
A lot of folk are
buying out of there now.

27
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,000
Hyperdales is suffocating me.

28
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,000
This shop is dying.

29
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,000
Don't be angry with Tam.

30
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:57,000
He is merely a jackal, picking
at the bones of a dying carcass.

31
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,000
Navid, I think you should lay
off that Animal Planet channel,

32
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:04,000
and start thinking about ways
you can get folk back in here.

33
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,000
What's the point? There, now.
You see?

34
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:10,000
There's two faithful customers
there. What's this?

35
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:14,000
Jack and Victor. Hip hip hooray!
What's the matter with him?

36
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:18,000
He's worried cos that big Hyperdales is
taking away a lot of his business. Uh-huh.

37
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,000
Squeezing the very life blood
ootae here. Hmmm.

38
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,000
They've got him by the nuts,
and they're... Ahem!

39
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:29,000
We get the picture, Isa.
Fear not, Navid. At least we're here.

40
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,000
Aye. Hyperdales.
A lot of new-fangled shite.

41
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:36,000
Two buses up there for your groceries
and then all the way back wi' the bags?

42
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,000
Aye. They places are fine
for your suburban wankers,

43
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,000
wi' their big fancy Jeep cars,

44
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,000
but see for the likes of us,
local is king. Yep.

45
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,000
I appreciate the sentiments, boys.

46
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,000
You're my staple,
my bread and butter.

47
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,000
But let's face it, you're old.

48
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,000
Decrepit. Spent.

49
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,000
You'll be dead in six months.

50
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,000
Then where will I be?
What can I get you?

51
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,000
Two coffins, ya cheeky bastard!

52
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,000
Yes. I'm up and about.

53
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:11,000
No, I'm having a couple
of slices of toast.

54
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,000
Hyperdales? Away and
don't talk nonsense, Frances.

55
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,000
There's bugger all up
with the toaster we've got.

56
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000
Right, I'll need to go.

57
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,000
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

58
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,000
A new toaster?

59
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,000
That'll be right. That's 25 quid
you don't need to spend.

60
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,000
"But the toast's always burnt!"

61
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,000
Ye no heard of a knife?
Ye cannae scrape it?

62
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:40,000
Ach, a wee bit of glue,
you'll be all right.

63
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,000
Right, come on now...

64
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,000
Look who it is! Bill and Ben.

65
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:54,000
Two whiskeys,
ya flobba dobbin knob-end.

66
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,000
Suicide bid, is it?

67
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,000
Eh? Eatin' one of Boabby's pies.

68
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,000
You're takin' your life
in your hands, boy. Oh, no.

69
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,000
There's been a development.

70
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,000
Taste this.

71
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,000
Nah, you're all right, Boabby.

72
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,000
A mouthful.

73
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,000
Jesus. Lovely.

74
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,000
What's happened there?
That's edible!

75
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:33,000
Say hello to the Thermolite 360.

76
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:38,000
No cold spots, and an infra-red
grill for a crunchy top.

77
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:42,000
59.99. Hyperdales.

78
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,000
It's no' just the heat.
It's actually tasty, that, Boabby.

79
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,000
It's because they're out of
Hyperdales, as well.

80
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,000
Jesus, everyone's
on about that place.

81
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,000
Aye, that's cos it's magic.
It's like America up there.

82
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,000
That's all very well,
but what about Navid?

83
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,898
What about him?
That place is slitting his throat.

84
00:04:58,903 --> 00:05:00,980
He's losing all his
customers to it.

85
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,000
Hold on, now. A bottle of ketchup,
right, out of Navid's.

86
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,000
That size. A pound.

87
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,000
You can get a bottle at Hyperdales
twice the size for the same price.

88
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000
You do the math.
Navid's a robbing bastard.

89
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,000
That's how these big places
crush the wee places, Winston.

90
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,000
Aye, you read about it in the papers.

91
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,000
See, your conglomerates
team up in the cartels.

92
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,000
It's monopolies and mergers
commissions,

93
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,000
and they corner the market
for the consortiums.

94
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:28,000
Something then it's something
about a loss leader.

95
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:32,000
Are you just saying
business words now, Jack? Yes.

96
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000
But that's why that sauce is cheaper.
Aye. Ye cannae have that, you know.

97
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:40,000
What do they call it again?
The death of the high street.

98
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,000
No, ye cannae stop progress.

99
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,000
Indeed, you cannot.

100
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,000
I've just been to a smashing place.

101
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,000
BOTH: Hyperdales.

102
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,000
Aye.

103
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,000
Great.

104
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:56,000
Bet that place suits you down to
the ground, eh, Tam? Nice and cheap.

105
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,000
This bad boy was ?45.

106
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,000
Aye, in the sale?

107
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,000
Nah. I looked at the sale stuff.
?20 and that. And I thought, "Nah.

108
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,000
"Be good to yourself."

109
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:11,000
So you've seen a cheaper toaster, but
you've plumped for the dear one? Aye.

110
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,000
What?

111
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,000
Nothing.

112
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,000
Right, I'm ready for a pint.
Anybody else?

113
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,000
See, years ago, you'd would
into the likes of Curley's,

114
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:31,000
hand the fella your slip and he'd
run around like a blue-arsed fly

115
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,000
getting all your stuff,
and at the same time gabbing.

116
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,000
"How you doing?
"Did you hear about so and so?

117
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:41,000
"What's your plans for the weekend?"
Nice, you know? Personal.

118
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,000
Doughnuts and fresh cream,
they're only 30p.

119
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:48,000
See these bigger places, you're
just a number. There's no contact.

120
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,000
You get your gear and you go.

121
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,000
You try and start
a conversation in here,

122
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,000
they think you're
Care In The Community.

123
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,000
A full tea set there for ?14.

124
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,000
We've got Navid's.

125
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:04,000
The way I see it, you go to your
butcher's for your butcher meat,

126
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,000
you go to your grocer's
for groceries, baker's for cakes.

127
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,000
all specialising in the one...
the one thing.

128
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:16,000
That's a lot of steak for a fiver.
Aye, you would freeze some of that.

129
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,000
Yeah, these bastards are trying
to do the lot, aren't they?

130
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:23,000
Jack of all trades, master of none.
And that is what makes them bland.

131
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,000
Jesus, look at that.
You get a free tie with that shirt.

132
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,000
Nice. Anyway, we've got wur routine.

133
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,000
We get wur pension in Craiglang,
and we spend our money in Craiglang.

134
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,000
End of story. Aye. The post office
is too far away from this place.

135
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,000
I'll get a trolley.
I'll get you by the doughnuts.

136
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,000
That's The Guns of Navarone, Raid on
Entebbe and Jade Goody's autobiography.

137
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,000
Aye. 30 pence.

138
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,000
Each? For all three.

139
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,000
Smashing.

140
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,000
There we go, darling.

141
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:14,000
Hello, Winston. Tam, what's this?
Just having bit of a clear-out.

142
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,000
These are all new.
Aye. Birthdays and Christmases.

143
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,000
I got to thinking,

144
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:22,000
"Somebody else could be
getting the benefit out of these."

145
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,000
They're only taking
up space in ma place.

146
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,000
That's very generous of you.

147
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,000
Aye, well, you know.

148
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,000
Now, have you had your lunch?

149
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,000
Me? Er, no. How?

150
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,000
There's a steakhouse round the
corner. I'll buy you a T-bone.

151
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,000
Wash it down wi' a couple of pints.

152
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:43,000
You'll... You'll buy me?
Aye, come on.

153
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,000
That's for the weans in Africa.

154
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,000
Can you believe it?
The post office has shut down.

155
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:03,000
They've moved it to the inside
of Hyperdales. Have they?

156
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,000
SHOP DOOR OPENS

157
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,000
I'm no' paying for that Curly Wurly.
What's wrong with it?

158
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,000
It's aw smashed up. It's in bits.

159
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:21,000
The whole thing about a Curly Wurly
is it's supposed to be one big bit.

160
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,000
Take them all! Have a party!
Has he went off his nut?

161
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,000
They've got me by the Curly Wurlies.

162
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:53,000
Jesus, Jack. Quadruple Choc-Chip
Nutfest cookies, Did you buy these?

163
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,000
Eh? Aye, I did, aye.

164
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,000
Here, I've split they steaks up.
That's your end.

165
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,000
Right, I'll freeze these,
we'll do yours in tonight,

166
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,000
and I'll get the return leg.
That's a good deal, aye.

167
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,000
Have one of them. Oh, aye.

168
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:16,000
Suffering God. That's strange, I can
only taste the three chocolates.

169
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:20,000
Ah, no. There's the fourth one,
there. Mummy, Daddy.

170
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,000
That's a bastard, isn't it?

171
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000
I was just looking at that there.

172
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,000
60 quid, that's between
the two of us.

173
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,000
That seems like a lot,
but it's not, really.

174
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,000
Oh, no. There's enough there
to do us for a fortnight.

175
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,000
Puts us in a bit of a dilemma,
though.

176
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,000
How? There's us in Navid's,

177
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,000
giving it the big un,
making out we're all loyal.

178
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,000
The next thing,
we're marching right into Hyperdales.

179
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,000
Aye.

180
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,000
But what are we supposed to dae?
We're pensioners.

181
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,000
We cannae turn doon value like that.

182
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,000
Aye, but it's still a bit shite
for Navid.

183
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,000
Gies a bit of paper.

184
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,000
We'll make a list of things
that we can still get at Navid's.

185
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,000
Milk.

186
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,000
Bread.

187
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,000
Ma Trout and Salmon magazine.

188
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,000
Ma tobacco. Tobacco. Good one, Jack.

189
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,000
The essentials.

190
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,000
The basics.

191
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,167
Except Navid doesnae have
they big huge bottles of milk

192
00:11:27,172 --> 00:11:28,980
that last you all week, does he?

193
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,000
No. Right. Scratch the milk.

194
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,000
That's bread... No, no' bread.

195
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,000
They've got
the in-store bakery, sure.

196
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,000
I mean, when I bought that loaf
this morning, it was still warm.

197
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:42,000
Lose the bread.
That leaves the magazine.

198
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,000
They've got the magazine rack
just as you go in the door. Oh, aye.

199
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,000
Right next to the tobacco stand.

200
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:01,000
'Cleaner to aisle five. Spillage on
aisle five, cleaner to aisle five.'

201
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,000
Jesus. 12p!

202
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,000
How is this possible?

203
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:42,000
Ohhh, get it up you,
you value for money bastards!

204
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,000
Thanks very much, that's marvellous.

205
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000
You cannae argue with that,
can you?

206
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,000
Et tu, Isa?

207
00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,000
Jesus, it's rare and warm,
this coat.

208
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,000
Yeah, it looks good on you, too!

209
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,000
60 quid, but. Is that no' too dear?

210
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,000
Is it?
Nah. It's only money, Winston.

211
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,000
Hello, Peggy, sweetheart.
Where are you off to?

212
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,000
That's my Simon 18 the morra.
I'm gonnae get him a cake.

213
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,000
He's no' wanting a cake, but he's
still ma wee boy, so a cake it is.

214
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:19,000
18, jeezo. Wee Simon, eh?

215
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:23,000
Here. 18's a big milestone.
Tell him his first pint's on me.

216
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,000
Away! He was done for
drunk driving when he was 12.

217
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,000
Thanks, Tam. That's good of you!

218
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,000
That's no problem, darlin'.

219
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:40,000
Listen, I think it's great that
you're spending, and everything,

220
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,000
enjoying it, but people can get
the wrong idea about things.

221
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:47,000
What de ye mean? If people
see you throwing your dosh aboot,

222
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,000
they'll think there's something
wrang wi' ye.

223
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:54,000
You've got cancer, or something.
A brain tumour.

224
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,000
They might think you've found Jesus.

225
00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,000
You don't want people looking at ye,
people worrying aboot ye.

226
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,000
So see this mad spending?

227
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,000
I think that should
just be between us.

228
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:10,000
So that it's just, like,
me that knows aboot it.

229
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,000
You got me? Aye. Aye.

230
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:17,000
Keep it quiet. Aye.

231
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,000
Tam, these bikes are the bollocks,
thanks a lot! Enjoy!

232
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,000
Kids. It's a shame. There's
nothing for them tae dae here!

233
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,000
Double cream. Beautiful.

234
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,000
Did you get it? Yes, I got it.
Would you like to see it?

235
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,000
Oh, my God.

236
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,000
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

237
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,000
See that criss-cross affair
on the top there?

238
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,000
Lattice, they call that.

239
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,000
The colour. It's golden.

240
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,000
Like it's been fired
by the breath of angels.

241
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,000
And it's God's apples
inside it, as well.

242
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,000
See the pies in Navid's?

243
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,000
They're piss thin,
wi' that rotten runny sauce.

244
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,000
You'd need to be Bergerac
to find any apples in it.

245
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,000
DOORBELL RINGS

246
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,000
Who's that?

247
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000
He's let me go. What?

248
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,000
Navid. He's sacked me!

249
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,000
You'd better come in.

250
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,000
It's Isa.

251
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,000
I don't know what to do.
I've been greetin' all morning.

252
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,000
You'd better sit doon.
You're awfy cut up.

253
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,000
Would you like a slice of cake, hen?

254
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,000
No.

255
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,000
I've got one exactly the same
in ma fridge.

256
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:05,000
It's lovely, the lattice, and that.
That's just it.

257
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,000
That's what was in my bag
when he caught me. Who caught you?

258
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,000
Navid. He caught me in Hyperdales.

259
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,000
Oh, the look on his face.

260
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,000
What did he say to you?

261
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,000
He said,

262
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,000
"Et tu, Isa."

263
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,000
I never ate two of anything!

264
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,000
That's no' what he means.

265
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,000
"Et tu", it's fae Caesar.
It means you've betrayed him.

266
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,000
Oh!

267
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,000
It doesnae mean that, Jack!

268
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,000
It means you've stabbed him
in the back, Isa.

269
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,000
I was trying to be a wee bit
mair diplomatic there, Victor.

270
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:50,000
No, what Navid means is...
He just mean you're a dirty Judas.

271
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,000
Oh, get a load of Dapper Dan!

272
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000
Aye, the new coat. You like it?

273
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,000
Very nice. Where d'you get that?

274
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,000
He bought me it. Eh?

275
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000
Aye. Took me into Marks and Spencers
and just paid for it.

276
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,000
Tam? What ye talkin' about?
Watch this.

277
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,000
Thank you.

278
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,000
Oh. Er, I've...

279
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:31,000
Here, Winston. Let me.
Arthur, are you for another one?

280
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
Arthur for another one too, thanks.

281
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,000
It's like Christmas!

282
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,000
April Fools', more like.
What's the joke?

283
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,000
There's nae joke. He took me
for a steak dinner, and everything.

284
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,000
He never batted an eyelid.
Just paid for it.

285
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,000
What's the matter with him?

286
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,000
I think he's went...

287
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,000
Well, that's no' right, is it?
Not if he's went doolally.

288
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:57,000
Of course it's right.
He's been leeching off me for years.

289
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,000
If he's went doolally,

290
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,000
I'm gonnae ride the doolally bastard
like a donkey.

291
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,000
Arsehole behaviour.

292
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000
No. I'll tell you who's
behaving like an arsehole.

293
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000
You. Navid! What?

294
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,000
You, ya lousy big shit. Sacking Isa.

295
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:15,000
Aye! Just because she was gettin' her
groceries out of Hyperdales, you bag her?!

296
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,000
Get this!

297
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:23,000
He sees Isa buyin her groceries
fae somewhere other than his shop,

298
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,000
and he sacks her.

299
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,000
Now, wait a minute.
I didnae sack her. I let her go.

300
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,000
Sacked - let go. Shite - jobby.

301
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:35,000
That's woman has been nothing
but loyal to you! Loyal?

302
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,000
Don't talk to me about loyalty.

303
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,000
I've ran that shop since 1975.

304
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,000
And it's been no picnic.

305
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,000
When I came here, I had to put up
with a lot of shite.

306
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:50,000
Neds, drunks, graffiti,
but I stuck it out.

307
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,000
Every single morning of life,

308
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,000
six o'clock to take in your rolls,
sort your papers.

309
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,000
Every single person in here,

310
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,000
at one time or another,
has struggled for cash,

311
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,000
and come to me
and asked for tick,

312
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,000
and I've given it to you.

313
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:10,000
And now, for the first time ever,

314
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:16,000
when I need you to show me
some support, where are you?

315
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,000
Hyperdales.

316
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:22,000
Shopping like Posh Spice on coke.

317
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,000
Isa wasn't sacked
for shopping somewhere else.

318
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,000
She's finished cos I'm finished.

319
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:34,000
It's finished. So don't stand there
and talk to me about bloody loyalty.

320
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,000
The shop is shut.

321
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000
Let me get you a pint. I'm buying.

322
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,000
I'm sick of this place. Two bloody
buses for a daft carton of milk.

323
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000
Well, Navid's away,
and this is us now,

324
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,000
at these bastards' beck and call.

325
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,000
I'll tell you another con, an' aw.

326
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,000
See having that post office in here -
that's no' a good idea.

327
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,000
No. It's not a good idea.
You get your pension there,

328
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,000
then you're walking over there, and
gieing it right back to them. Arseholes.

329
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:19,000
'Announcement to Hyperdale customers.
All meat produce now 20% off.'

330
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,000
Unbelievable. Aye, it's a beauty.

331
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,000
There's your Uncle Bob there.
An ice machine!

332
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
Right. We'll go tell the woman
that's the one you want.

333
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,000
Eh...
Listen, sure it's no' a bit dear?

334
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:35,000
How much is it? 800. I've got 800.
You're wanting it, right?

335
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,000
Aye. Come on, then.

336
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,596
It's a bad day when you
cannae buy your pal

337
00:20:38,621 --> 00:20:42,000
an Admiral Frost-Free Americana
ice dispensing cool chest.

338
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,000
Aye, aye... No.

339
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:50,000
Look, Tam.
I don't know how to tell you this.

340
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,000
I've been taking advantage of ye.
How?

341
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,000
Tam, you're
a dirty miserable bastard.

342
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,000
Eh? No, I'm always buying you stuff.

343
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,000
I know. I'm talking about before.

344
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,000
I was miserable? Aye.

345
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,000
You were famous for it!

346
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,000
Jesus, Tam, you had a cat once,
right, and it got run over.

347
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,000
So you got another cat,

348
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,000
called it the same name
to save buying another collar!

349
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,000
I liked the name Missy.
Tam, the second cat was a boy.

350
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,000
I don't know what
you're talking about.

351
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,000
Don't just take ma word for it.
Jack, Victor. Come here a minute.

352
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,000
Tam, Winston. What's going on?

353
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,636
I'm trying to buy him a fridge and
he's calling me a miserable bastard!

354
00:21:29,661 --> 00:21:31,000
No, I'm saying... Shut up.

355
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,000
He's buying you a fridge?

356
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,000
I'm no wantin' the fridge.

357
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,000
I'm trying to tell him he should
be a miserable bastard,

358
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,000
like he's always been! Aye.

359
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,000
Eh? See when your wee cat died...
I've telt him that.

360
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,000
'The store is now closing.

361
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:50,000
'Could all Hyperdale customers
please make their way to the exit?

362
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,000
'Till operators,
the tills are now closed.'

363
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:55,000
TENT ZIPS SHUT

364
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,000
Hello, Navid. Hello.

365
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,000
What are you doing?

366
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:11,000
Camping. Camping in a shop? Yes.
What's that on your knee?

367
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,000
Nothing.
It doesnae look like nothing.

368
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,000
It looks like a petrol can.
Is there petrol in it?

369
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,000
I think you should
come out of there, Navid.

370
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,000
No. Go away. The store is closing.

371
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,000
No. Come wi' us, come on.
Leave me alone.

372
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,000
Navid,
what is it you think you're doing?

373
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,000
Oh, I know what I'm going to do.

374
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,000
I am going to raze
this place to the ground.

375
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,000
They'll learn a lesson.
You squeeze the small man.

376
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,000
The small man squeezes back.

377
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,000
This is smashin'!
How much are these?

378
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,000
Come to your senses, man, eh?

379
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,000
I know it's been hard.
You lost your business.

380
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,000
They took it.
But this isnae the answer.

381
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:04,000
No, this is arson, by Christ.
You'll get 20 year for this!

382
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,000
Listen.

383
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,000
This is oor fault.

384
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,000
What you said in the pub...

385
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,000
You were right.

386
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,000
We've let ye doon.

387
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,000
But we can fix it.

388
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,000
Aye. We'll all go back to Craiglang.

389
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,000
We'll tell everybody
to boycott this shitehole.

390
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,000
Then all your customers
will come back.

391
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,000
This place is just a novelty,
isn't it? Aye. And it's worn aff.

392
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,000
Gie it another chance, eh?

393
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,000
Come on hame. Open up the shop.
Just like the old days.

394
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:52,000
Hello? Anybody there?

395
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,000
I've found the lights!

396
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,000
It's nae use.
All the phones are internal,

397
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,000
and I've been roon every door,

398
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:10,000
but there's roller shutters outside
them. We're in here till the morning.

399
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,000
And that's a bad thing how?

400
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,000
Whoa! We cannae go just helping
ourselves to stock.

401
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,000
That's got to be paid for.

402
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,000
No, I left the money
down by the till.

403
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,000
That's better, in't it?

404
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:27,000
Nae joy, Jack?
No. It's an old-fashioned lock-in.

405
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,000
Right. We getting pished?

406
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,000
I would say so. To me.

407
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,000
HE CHUCKLES

408
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,000
So, it's just a case of
sitting tight till morning, then.

409
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,000
Aye. That's what we'll dae.

410
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,000
This is the bollocks!

411
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,000
If I had a garden,
I'd definitely get one of these!

412
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,000
Are you no' getting tired
on that bloody thing?

413
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,000
No!

414
00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:00,000
What have you got there? What it
does is, it massages your spine

415
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,000
from your neck,
all the way doon to your arse.

416
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,000
Jack.

417
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,278
We'll need to get this
place cleared up

418
00:25:10,283 --> 00:25:12,980
before the cleaners come
in in the morning. Hey.

419
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:17,000
They locked us in. We're entitled
to make wurselves comfortable.

420
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:20,000
Aye. I'm getting hungry.

421
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,000
Ooh, this is magic!

422
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,000
Tam.

423
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:42,000
Tam. Oh, Jesus. What happened there?

424
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,000
What do you think happened?

425
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:46,000
Ye poured a lot of lager doon an
electric chair, you tool!

426
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:52,000
Come on. I can smell
burnt hairs in ma nose!

427
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:56,000
Where are we? Don't start, Tam.

428
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,000
We're in Hyperdales. We're locked in,
sure, cos of this barmy bastard.

429
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,000
We're locked in?

430
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,000
A superstore? Wurselves?

431
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,000
Aye. With all this stuff?

432
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,000
And naebody can see us? Easy, Tam.

433
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,000
Free stuff. Free stuff.
Easy, easy, easy! Free stuff!

434
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,000
I think we've got the old Tam back.

435
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,000
Free stuff!

436
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:36,000
I'm quite bevvied. Aye.
That's how you're supposed to eat.

437
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,000
Try one of them, they're lovely.
Prawns.

438
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,000
They only charge 1.50 for this.

439
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:46,000
What about Tam? Oh, aye.

440
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:59,000
Come on! Let me out now.
I'm all right!

441
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,000
Look at him.
He's like a bloody demented animal.

442
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,000
Aye. It's all been a bit much
for him, you know?

443
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,000
Like waking a sleepwalker.

444
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,000
Here, Navid. Aye.

445
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,000
Feeling a bit better about things,
are you? Aye.

446
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,000
Glad you didn't do anything stupid?

447
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,000
Here, boys. Don't go mental.

448
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,000
You've still got your steak to come.

449
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,000
Navid, gies a wee zap
of that petrol.

450
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:18,000
There you are, sir. Thanks.

451
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,000
Here, boys. This is great, huh?

452
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,000
You get your pension at that
counter,

453
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,000
and then you spend it at this
counter!

454
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,000
Get it up ye!

455
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,000
Here, come on
and see what I've bought!

456
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:37,000
What? Well, you've got
to be good to yourself.

457
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:48,000
ALL: Hyperdales.

458
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,000
Aye, I got it in the fire sale,
dirt cheap.

459
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,000
It still works, too!