1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000
I was in ma bed last night
with a cardigan on, and gloves!

2
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:43,000
Mm! Roastin' hot, that's magic.

3
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,796
What's that? 17 minutes ago, was it?

4
00:00:44,821 --> 00:00:48,000
We were in the hoose minding our
own business, lyin' on our ribs.

5
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,000
Then boof! We're here on the high
street searching for the beefy bake.

6
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,000
That's the power of
advertising, Jack boy.

7
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,000
We are the mere puppets
of yer marketing bigwigs.

8
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,000
Ah, but it seems
to only be for food.

9
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,596
If it was two carpet sweepers,

10
00:01:02,601 --> 00:01:05,980
we wouldnae be standing here with
a couple of carpet sweepers.

11
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:10,000
It's strategy. The beefy bakes
are aimed at the likes of us.

12
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,000
Pensioners.

13
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:16,000
Your marketin' boys know
what we're all about.

14
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,000
We're lazy, greedy bastards.

15
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:20,000
They know at three o'clock
you're a baw-hair away

16
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:24,000
fae opening a pack of teacakes
tae tide ye over tae supper time.

17
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:28,000
Then they go like that - bang! Stick the
advert right in there at the exact time.

18
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,000
That there is bait. And we've
took it like a couple of wankers.

19
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:34,000
Aye, we're a couple wankers.

20
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,000
Hullo, Winston.
Where you off to in such a hurry?

21
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,000
In there to get two beefy bakes.

22
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,000
Let me guess. 17 minutes ago
you were in the hoose. And then,

23
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,000
"Ooh! I could go a beefy bake!"

24
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,000
Eh, aye. He's seen the advert. Aye.

25
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:51,000
Aye... Did I? Now you're doon here
like a zombie. "Beefy bake!"

26
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,000
The telly's made ye dae that, boy.

27
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,000
Ah hate that. It's like hypnotism.

28
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,000
Well, get it up them.
I'm no' havin' one. Whoa.

29
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,000
What ye talkin' aboot?

30
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,000
Get in there and see it through
like yer supposed to. No way!

31
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,000
Linin' their pockets.
I decide when I'm gauny eat!

32
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,000
Okey-dokey then.

33
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,000
THEY SNIGGER
What are you hanging aboot for?

34
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,000
Oh, bastards!

35
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,000
MONEY CLUNKS

36
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,000
Are you wantin' a...?

37
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:32,000
Whoa, oh. It was only three quid.
I'll get my own, Tam. Right-o, love.

38
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:38,000
How long is that you two
have been together noo?

39
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,000
That's two year now.

40
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,000
Two year. Aye.

41
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,000
That's lovely. Aye. Aye.
It's lovely.

42
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,000
He's great. He's smashin'.

43
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,000
I'm at my wits' end, Isa.

44
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,000
There is absolutely no romance
in this relationship.

45
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:57,000
I'm no agony aunt, hen. But you've
got tae put that in, haven't ye?

46
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:02,000
There's things ye can dae.
Maybe get your hair done.

47
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,000
A bit of makeup...

48
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,000
A wee pair of sexy undies.

49
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,000
Tam's wouldn't be interested
in undies.

50
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,000
No' unless they were
made out of fivers.

51
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:14,000
Aye, he's tight. It's a turnoff.

52
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,000
He'll no have the heatin' on.
Undies, by Christ?

53
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:20,000
I was in ma bed last night
with a cardigan on, and gloves!

54
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,000
I've known Tam a long time.
I've never known him any different.

55
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,000
Ye cannae teach an
old dog new tricks, eh?

56
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,000
What are youse two conspiring about?
Nothing!

57
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,000
Here, sweetheart, put
that in yer bag for later.

58
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,000
Afternoon, gents. Afternoon.

59
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,000
Pete? How ye doin'? Jesus.

60
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,000
Hardly recognised ye there.

61
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,000
What ye daein'? Aff the drink.
That's three weeks now.

62
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,000
Good for you. Looking well on it.

63
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,000
Aye, I had a moment of clarity.
Happens noo and again.

64
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,000
I thought I need a job.

65
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,000
Stimulation.

66
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,000
I've no' got any money but I've got
a bucket and a sponge. Windscreens.

67
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,000
Good!

68
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:17,000
Here's my angle. See them junkie bastards
in the toon that dae the windscreens?

69
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,000
Dirty sponges, manky water - no' me.

70
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,000
Clean sponge, clean water, bit of
lemon juice for that extra sparkle.

71
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:28,000
People appreciate that.

72
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,000
Thank you!

73
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,000
Did he just give you a fiver? Aye!

74
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:37,000
Ye takin' anybody on?
You joking? Afternoon!

75
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,000
You!

76
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,000
Whoa! Ho, ho!

77
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:48,000
SHOUTING

78
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,000
Get him back.
I'll kill him, let me go!

79
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,000
You bastard! You bastard!
That's enough.

80
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,000
Ya fat specky bastard!!

81
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:06,000
Whisky, Boabby.
C'mon Pete. Willpower, son. C'mon.

82
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,000
Orange Juice. There we go!

83
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,000
We'll take three whiskies, Boabby.

84
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,000
And three half lagers, Boabby.
Large Whiskies?

85
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,000
Aye, large whiskies. Aye, big yins.

86
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,000
That better, eh?

87
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,000
Bloody Henderson!

88
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,000
The guy in the car?
Ye just about pulled his heid aff!

89
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,000
Poor bastard.
You gave him a terrible fright, Pete.

90
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,000
"Poor bastard?"
He's anything but poor!

91
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,000
How, who is he? Henderson!

92
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:43,000
Henderson's the Bakers.
We were just in there.

93
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,000
We were getting Beefy bake.
Aye a beefy bake.

94
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,000
Nice, was it? The bollocks.

95
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,000
Oh, aye, it would be.

96
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,000
Boabby? Aye, Pete?

97
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,000
Orange Juice.

98
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:02,000
1979. I'm working in
Henderson's the Bakers.

99
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:06,000
Pies, sausage rolls,
that sort of thing.

100
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,000
So one day, I thought
I'd try something new.

101
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:16,000
I've arsed aboot with a nice bit of
shoulder steak, spices, black pepper.

102
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,000
I takes my creation up to Henderson.

103
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:24,000
He tastes it And just aboot
blows aff in his pocket.

104
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,000
"Pete," he says...

105
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,000
"That there, is genius.

106
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,000
"The meat. The crust.

107
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,000
"The gravy.

108
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,000
"It's perfect.

109
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,000
"What ye callin' it?"

110
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,000
"Beefy bake."

111
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:51,000
What ye daein'? Eh?
Aw aye, you invented the Beefy bake?

112
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,000
Aye, I did, aye.

113
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,000
Lot of crap.

114
00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:00,000
Ah, 1979 - that was the year
I invented the Space Hopper!

115
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,000
I took the world by storm
with my Rubik's Cube.

116
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,000
You no' believe me?
Naw, we don't, naw.

117
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,000
There's your bucket.

118
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,000
Well? It's a bloody beefy bake.
Aye it's a beefy bake.

119
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,000
It's a beefy bake and no mistake.

120
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,000
Telt ye. That's fantastic, that.

121
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,000
Here, wait a minute.
What's fantastic aboot it?

122
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,655
That fat bastard
in the posh motor

123
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,000
has built an empire on the
back of the beefy bake.

124
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,000
That's the cornerstone.

125
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,000
That's the lifeblood! That's the
bloody crown jewel of the bakery!

126
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,000
And look at this poor dick.

127
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,000
One pair of underpants,
lives under a bridge.

128
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,000
This Henderson has to be taken
tae task. Aye. Too right...

129
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,000
Pete, where is this factory?
Cranston estate.

130
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,000
Right. Victor. Yellow Pages.

131
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,000
Get this Henderson on the phone
and demand a meeting tomorrow.

132
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:16,000
Pete, pen and paper,
get that recipe wrote doon.

133
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,000
Winston, bus timetable, it's
in that cabinet next to the door.

134
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,000
Find oot what bus goes past
that Cranston Estate. Right.

135
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:25,000
Here, what are you daein'?

136
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,000
I'm gauny finish this!

137
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:33,000
Morning, Isa! Aye.
Navid! Cash and Carry day.

138
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,000
The van is round the back.
Bring it round the front. All right.

139
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,000
Here, Navid.
Will you do me a favour? What is it?

140
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,000
Will you have a word with Tam
for me? What aboot?

141
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,000
About romance n'at. That's a bit
desperate.

142
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,000
Tam's married. Find yer own man.

143
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,000
No' me! I was talkin' to Frances.

144
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,000
His stinginess is
strangling the relationship!

145
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,000
Aw the romance is oot it.

146
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:02,000
You need to talk to him
about changing his ways.

147
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,011
You want me to talk to Tam,

148
00:09:04,016 --> 00:09:08,980
the most miserable bastard in the
world, about changing his ways?

149
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,000
Why don't you give me something
simpler to do, woman?

150
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,000
Like stealing the Koh-i-noor diamond?

151
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,000
Or climbing K2 with Meena
strapped to ma back? Jesus!

152
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,000
You worked here long, hen?

153
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,000
Three years.

154
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:37,000
Tell me this. Of all Mr Henderson's
wonderfully tasty products,

155
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,000
which is your favourite?

156
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,000
That's easy. The beefy bake.
Everybody in here loves it.

157
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:45,000
In fact see when yer in the queue
for the canteen? That's awe ye hear.

158
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,000
Beefy bake! Beefy bake! Beefy bake!

159
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,253
Yer standing there
sweatin', in case

160
00:09:49,258 --> 00:09:50,980
by the time ye get to the
counter there's nane left!

161
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,389
That happens aw the time.

162
00:09:52,394 --> 00:09:55,980
Someone's got to go away intae
the factory to get another tray.

163
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,000
You're staunin' there gie'in it,

164
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,000
"Hurry, up, where's ma beefy bake?
I cannae take it!"

165
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,000
Aye. They're that good.

166
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:07,000
So the answer to your question,
my favourite is the beefy bake.

167
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,000
HE SOBS

168
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,000
Can I get you anything to drink?

169
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,000
A last whisky! Easy. Come on, noo.
PHONE RINGS

170
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,000
Hello. Right.

171
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,000
Mr Henderson'll see yous now.

172
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,000
Winston, ye no' comin'?

173
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:31,000
Nah. I'm just gauny sit here.

174
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,000
Gentlemen. Hello.

175
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,000
That was an awful
carry-on yesterday.

176
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,000
I got a terrible fright.

177
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:50,000
Of course, I recognised you, Pete.
But it was an absolute bolt from the blue!

178
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,000
When I got home my wife
wanted me to phone the police.

179
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:57,000
But then you phoned
and I thought, "No.

180
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,000
"No. I'll hear them out."

181
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,000
Well, that's very kind of you.

182
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,000
And Pete is sorry about that.
Aren't you, Pete?

183
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,000
Sit down. Sit down.

184
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:17,000
How can I help you?
What's all this about? Well,

185
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,000
Pete here used to work for
you, right? That's right.

186
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:24,000
And he was telling us while he was
here, he invented the beefy bake.

187
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,000
Right. Uh-huh.
So, we were thinking... Well...

188
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:33,000
what we were thinking was...
PHONE RINGS

189
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,000
Sorry, I'll not be a minute.

190
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:41,000
Hello? What's goin' on here, Jack?

191
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,000
He seems like a
helluva nice fella...

192
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,000
He does, aye...

193
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,000
Pete! You better not
be kiddin', ya bastard!

194
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,000
Sorry about that. You were thinking.

195
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:58,000
Well, we were thinking Pete is due
some form of compensation.

196
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,000
For inventing the beefy bake.

197
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,000
Oh. I see!

198
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,000
Compensation.

199
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:11,000
Compensation. Compensation.

200
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:24,000
How about this for compensation, eh?

201
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,000
Would that no' do ye, Pete?
A wee dram?

202
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:32,000
You always liked a dram, didn't ye?

203
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:36,000
Wait a minute here. Go on,
you know you want it. Take it!

204
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,000
You're out of line!

205
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,000
Compensation!?

206
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,000
Do not make me laugh!

207
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,000
This man is a shambling sot!

208
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:48,000
He always was! I gave this man
a job and he drank it away.

209
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,000
Now you come here...

210
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,000
And I've to compensate YOU?

211
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:59,000
You're a despicable old bastard!
I'm gauny stick one on your chin!

212
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,000
Wait a minute, Victor!
That's enough.

213
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,000
Let me dae it!

214
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,000
You've no' heard the last of this!

215
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,000
I believe I have! Arseholes!

216
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,000
Where's Winston?

217
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,000
Let me just check this one...

218
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,000
Adequate. Mark that down.

219
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:31,000
Now, I'll test this one
and this one later on.

220
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,000
Where's the sausage rolls?

221
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,000
Can we talk mano a mano?

222
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,000
What's mano a mano? Man to man.

223
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,000
How did ye no' just say man to man?

224
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,000
Ach, it doesnae matter.
No, what is it?

225
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,000
I have been thinking about
the institution of marriage.

226
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,000
Here is what I think.

227
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,000
Marriage is like a garden.

228
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,000
Nice lawn. Plants.

229
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,000
Roses.

230
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:07,000
If you do not water your lawn,
tend to it,

231
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,000
then one day
when the sun is shining,

232
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,000
you will go to lie on your lawn
and it will be...

233
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:18,000
rubbish. The grass will all be brown and
there will be baldy patches everywhere.

234
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,000
Shit. It will be shit.

235
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:25,000
I thought we were going to the Cash and
Carry? Are we going to the garden centre?

236
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:28,000
Say you have a car. Bought. Not rented.
A good car that you own and love.

237
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,000
You have to put petrol in it.

238
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,000
Otherwise, it won't go anywhere.

239
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,000
So you have to pull in.

240
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,000
Take out your nozzle,

241
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,000
stick it in,

242
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,000
spend a few quid,

243
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,000
fill it up. Navid,

244
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,000
what the hell is it
you're talkin' about?

245
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:51,000
Frances is not giving you your hole
because you are a tightarse

246
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,000
and it is making her sick.
Jesus. What? Who?

247
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,000
Frances told Isa and
Isa blabbed to me.

248
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,000
Well, that's marvellous, in't it?
Everyone's talking about my sex life.

249
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,000
Naw. You don't have a sex life
worth talking about.

250
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:08,000
Still on the orange juice, Pete?
Aye. That's a month now.

251
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:13,000
My God. Fair play to you.
The next one's on me.

252
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,000
Pete! The very man!

253
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,000
Have ye heard anything yet? You
are gonna get your day in court.

254
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,000
Now, listen to this.

255
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,000
"This letter is to confirm that the
date of the hearing in the case

256
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:30,000
of McCormack vs Henderson has been
set for 15th of October at 12 noon.

257
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,000
Jesus. October? This is January.

258
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,000
That's a good thing, Pete.
That gives us time to prepare.

259
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,000
Build our case.

260
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,000
Do I need a lawyer?
What for? You've got the two of us!

261
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,000
What do you two know about the law?
Hey! Hey!

262
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,000
What do you think we do all day, eh?

263
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,000
His hoose? Sky. Perry Mason. Boof!

264
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,000
It's a scoosh!

265
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,000
Objection, yer honour!

266
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,000
Lawyers. That's money ye
don't need to spend, boy.

267
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,000
Lawyers charge by the hour, Pete.

268
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,000
See for a big courty thing like this?
A lawyer would set you back a fortune.

269
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:04,000
Fine by me. We rest our case.

270
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,000
Evening, boys.
Whisky and a sherry, please, Boabby.

271
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,000
Frances! Isa!

272
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,000
What's goin' on? It's great!

273
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,000
He came in and he says "You've
been working hard all week, darlin'.

274
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,000
"Get yersel' dolled up. We'll go out for
a quick drink, and something to eat!"

275
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,000
Good for you! Thanks love!

276
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,000
Here, Tam.
That's Pete got his court date.

277
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,000
When? October. October?

278
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:32,000
Good news, Pete. Stick it to
that miserable bastard, Henderson!

279
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,000
Ready to eat, sweetheart? Aye.

280
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,000
Right. That's us.

281
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,000
Where ye off to? Over there to sit.
Two pies and beans, Boabby.

282
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,000
Two pies and beans?

283
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:51,000
Sorry, sweetheart.
Would you prefer peas with your pie?

284
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,000
Go after her, ya arsehole!

285
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,000
Frances! Frances!

286
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,000
What's the matter, sweetheart?

287
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,000
What's the matter?
You just don't get it, dae ye?

288
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,000
What?

289
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,000
You said a quick drink
and then a bite to eat. Aye.

290
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,000
And the Clansman's your idea
of a nice meal?

291
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:37,000
It's convivial... I'll tell ye
what it is. It's the last straw.

292
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,000
Don't say that, sweetheart.

293
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,000
You are unbelievable,
do you know that?

294
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,000
You're like Scrooge!

295
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,784
I mean, ye even talked me
into putting ma teeth

296
00:17:45,809 --> 00:17:48,024
in wi' yours to save
on the Steradent!

297
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,000
Well, I've had enough, Tam!

298
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,000
DOOR SHUTS

299
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,000
Can I try again?

300
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,000
I can change.

301
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,000
If you give me a chance,
I can change.

302
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,000
Starting tonight. Look.

303
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,000
A bottle of bubbly.

304
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:29,000
?24.99. And a Chinese meal.

305
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,000
No shite. Wongs on the High Street.

306
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,000
The good gear.
I even got ye they ribs ye like.

307
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,000
Although I don't take ribs.

308
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,000
Even if ye eat a couple and leave
the rest.

309
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:46,000
To hell with it.
We'll fire them in the bin.

310
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,000
As long as you're happy.

311
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:52,000
Do we have to have the leftover
prawn crackers for breakfast?

312
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,000
No' if you don't want to.

313
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,000
Separate tumblers for the teeth?

314
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,000
Aye. Let's go crazy.

315
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,000
Bedroom. Now!

316
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,000
This is the full bhuna
this, in't it? Aye.

317
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,000
My arse is makin' buttons here, Jack.

318
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,000
All stand.

319
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,000
I don't think you've got tae dae
that, Jack.

320
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,000
Jack! Victor!

321
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Case number 804.
McCormack against Henderson.

322
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,000
Who represents the defender?
Martin Bradshaw, my Lord,

323
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,000
of Bradshaw, Tennant, Osterman,
Hendley and Kellerman.

324
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,000
The pursuer?

325
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,000
That's us. Eh?

326
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:14,000
Ahem, Jack Jarvis and Victor McDade,
your worship,

327
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:21,000
of eh, Jarvis, MacDade,
Osprey, Heights, and Craiglang.

328
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,000
Morning, everyone. Objection!

329
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
It's two minutes past twelve.

330
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,000
Um. Good afternoon.

331
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,000
Would the two parties
like to present their case?

332
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,000
Mr Henderson. Do you wear glasses?

333
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,000
I do, yes. May I see them?

334
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,000
Let the record show Mr Henderson
has handed me his spectacles.

335
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,933
Could you look towards
my learned colleague

336
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:52,000
and tell the court what
you see in his hands?

337
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,000
From here? I can't. I'm sorry.

338
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,000
Something brown.

339
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,000
Put your glasses back on.

340
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,000
Certainly.

341
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,000
Now tell the court what you see.

342
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,000
Oh, right. It's a beefy bake.

343
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,000
This "something brown"

344
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,000
was indeed something.

345
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,000
A beefy bake.

346
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,000
So it'd be fair to say
you've led a privileged life.

347
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,000
Yes. I would agree with that.

348
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,000
Well, he hasnae!

349
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:37,000
His arse is hangin' oot his troosers!

350
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,000
Your arse is lined with diamonds.

351
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,000
I put it to you, sir,
that you are a thieving arsehole!

352
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,000
Objection, my Lord!

353
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,000
Sustained!

354
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,000
So you've abstained from
drinking for nine months now? Yes.

355
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,875
So when you were drinking,
how much alcohol

356
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:56,000
would you go through in an average day?
Objection!

357
00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:00,000
Yes? Our client would have no way of
knowing the answer to that due to

358
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,000
the fact that he's a raging alky
and his brain is like scambled egg.

359
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:09,000
I have to concur with my associate.
Mr Bradshaw refers to how much alcohol.

360
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,000
But technically, this is an
incorrect line of questioning

361
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:15,434
because it could also have
been Methylated spirits,

362
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:19,024
hair lacquer or indeed on
one occasion, Turps. M'lud.

363
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,800
So the beefy bake,
we are agreed,

364
00:22:23,825 --> 00:22:28,000
was invented on the morning
of September 15, 1979.

365
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,000
Correct.

366
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,000
And at this time, was
Mr McCormack in your employ?

367
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,000
He was.

368
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,000
So for the avoidance of doubt,
Mr McCormack was being paid by you,

369
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,000
or in layman's terms, clocked in,
when he invented the beefy bake.

370
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,000
Exactly.

371
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,000
Objection!

372
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:48,000
Hold on a second. Mr Bradshaw,
where are you going with this?

373
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,000
I'm simply showing that the beefy bake
was invented on Mr Henderson's time.

374
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000
- Carry on.
- Objection!

375
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,000
What is it now?

376
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,000
Bear in mind, this objection
had better be good

377
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,000
because all your others have
been frankly, preposterous.

378
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,000
Your last one was someone in
the gallery was eating and

379
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,000
it was putting you off because you
hadn't had your lunch yet.

380
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:13,000
It is being said that Pete, well,
Mr McCormack was clocked in.

381
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,000
But he wasn't.

382
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:20,000
Because September 15th 1979
was a Sunday.

383
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,000
Yes. And?
Since that factory opened...

384
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,000
Remember you're still under oath.

385
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:29,000
Yes, your honour. Since it opened,
there's been no production on a Sunday.

386
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,000
The ovens were switched aff.

387
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,000
That's when we did the cleanin'.

388
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:37,000
So I made the beefy bake
in ma hoose. In ma oven.

389
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:40,000
I brought it in for him to taste it.

390
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:43,000
Is this true? Are the ovens
always off on a Sunday?

391
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,000
Yes, my Lord.

392
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
CHATTERING

393
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,000
Could counsel approach the bench?

394
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,000
This is like the telly, in't it?
I beg your pardon?

395
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:09,000
Approach the bench. Jack, sssh.

396
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:13,000
I must say, Mr Bradshaw, I'm surprised at
the way you've conducted your case today.

397
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:18,250
You are maintaining this man invented
this tasty bake on your time.

398
00:24:18,275 --> 00:24:20,000
Beefy. Tasty beefy...

399
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,000
- Beefy bake.
- Whatever.

400
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:26,000
But this thing was in fact
invented at Mr McCormack's home.

401
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,000
Your client cannot own
a man 24 hours a day.

402
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,253
I'm going to call a
recess to establish

403
00:24:31,258 --> 00:24:33,980
whether or not the date
in question was a Sunday.

404
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,000
If it was, believe me.
It will be pivotal.

405
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,000
And not in your client's favour.

406
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,000
So if it was a Sunday, that's a
kick in the balls for them, in't it?

407
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,000
Just go to lunch.

408
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,000
Looking good, in't it? Aye,
it's looking good.

409
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,000
What do you think the judge is
gonna say?

410
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,000
It's gonna be a settlement.
Ten grand. 100 grand.

411
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,000
I really don't know.

412
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,000
But ye've seen the set-up in there.
It's going to be serious.

413
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:07,000
Jack! Victor! That's Tam on the phone.
Wee boy! Eight pounds six ounces.

414
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,000
CHEERING

415
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:23,000
OK. How does it feel, at 64,
to be the oldest mother in Britain?

416
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:27,000
It's marvellous. What age are you,
sir? 70.

417
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:32,000
Incredible. You looking
forward to sleepless nights?

418
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,000
I cannae wait.

419
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,000
At today's cost of living,
they say in a baby's first year,

420
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:42,000
a family can spend ?3,000.
Cannae put a price on happiness.

421
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Oh! Jesus. Look at the time.
We better get our skates on.

422
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,000
Where's Pete? Oh, ho, ho!

423
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,000
It's a beautiful day!

424
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,000
A new baby in Craiglang!

425
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,000
I'm gaun' for a pish!

426
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:21,000
Henderson, your arse is collapsing!

427
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,000
Yep.

428
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,000
It sure is.

429
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,000
All stand!

430
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,000
Oh, there ye are.

431
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:45,000
Ye can take yer stupid wig
aff and go have a lie-doon.

432
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,000
The party's over!

433
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:51,000
If I could interrupt
for a minute, my Lord?

434
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,584
During the recess, my
client and Mr McCormack

435
00:26:53,609 --> 00:26:56,000
managed to come to an
amicable arrangement

436
00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:00,000
and are pleased to announce we no longer
need to trouble the court with this matter.

437
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,000
Oh...

438
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,000
Are you happy enough with this
settlement, Mr McCormack?

439
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000
Happy as a gypsy's dug
wi' two cocks!

440
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,000
What huv ye done?
Wait till ye see what I'm getting.

441
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,000
Right. Breakfast!

442
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:21,000
Aw, that's marvellous in't it?

443
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,000
Look at him grabbing my finger!

444
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,000
Aye. He's as tight-fisted as his da!

445
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,000
Right. We'll get away
and let ye get on with it.

446
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,000
Get some peace.

447
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,000
C'mon, boys. Wee bit of luck, eh?

448
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,000
Oh, aye.

449
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:51,000
Here, I think this is going
to work out just fine!