I was in ma bed last night with a cardigan on, and gloves!
Mm! Roastin' hot, that's magic.
What's that? 17 minutes ago, was it?
We were in the hoose minding our own business, lyin' on our ribs.
Then boof! We're here on the high street searching for the beefy bake.
That's the power of advertising, Jack boy.
We are the mere puppets of yer marketing bigwigs.
Ah, but it seems to only be for food.
If it was two carpet sweepers,
we wouldnae be standing here with a couple of carpet sweepers.
It's strategy. The beefy bakes are aimed at the likes of us.
Pensioners.
Your marketin' boys know what we're all about.
We're lazy, greedy bastards.
They know at three o'clock you're a baw-hair away
fae opening a pack of teacakes tae tide ye over tae supper time.
Then they go like that - bang! Stick the advert right in there at the exact time.
That there is bait. And we've took it like a couple of wankers.
Aye, we're a couple wankers.
Hullo, Winston. Where you off to in such a hurry?
In there to get two beefy bakes.
Let me guess. 17 minutes ago you were in the hoose. And then,
"Ooh! I could go a beefy bake!"
Eh, aye. He's seen the advert. Aye.
Aye... Did I? Now you're doon here like a zombie. "Beefy bake!"
The telly's made ye dae that, boy.
Ah hate that. It's like hypnotism.
Well, get it up them. I'm no' havin' one. Whoa.
What ye talkin' aboot?
Get in there and see it through like yer supposed to. No way!
Linin' their pockets. I decide when I'm gauny eat!
Okey-dokey then.
THEY SNIGGER What are you hanging aboot for?
Oh, bastards!
MONEY CLUNKS
Are you wantin' a...?
Whoa, oh. It was only three quid. I'll get my own, Tam. Right-o, love.
How long is that you two have been together noo?
That's two year now.
Two year. Aye.
That's lovely. Aye. Aye. It's lovely.
He's great. He's smashin'.
I'm at my wits' end, Isa.
There is absolutely no romance in this relationship.
I'm no agony aunt, hen. But you've got tae put that in, haven't ye?
There's things ye can dae. Maybe get your hair done.
A bit of makeup...
A wee pair of sexy undies.
Tam's wouldn't be interested in undies.
No' unless they were made out of fivers.
Aye, he's tight. It's a turnoff.
He'll no have the heatin' on. Undies, by Christ?
I was in ma bed last night with a cardigan on, and gloves!
I've known Tam a long time. I've never known him any different.
Ye cannae teach an old dog new tricks, eh?
What are youse two conspiring about? Nothing!
Here, sweetheart, put that in yer bag for later.
Afternoon, gents. Afternoon.
Pete? How ye doin'? Jesus.
Hardly recognised ye there.
What ye daein'? Aff the drink. That's three weeks now.
Good for you. Looking well on it.
Aye, I had a moment of clarity. Happens noo and again.
I thought I need a job.
Stimulation.
I've no' got any money but I've got a bucket and a sponge. Windscreens.
Good!
Here's my angle. See them junkie bastards in the toon that dae the windscreens?
Dirty sponges, manky water - no' me.
Clean sponge, clean water, bit of lemon juice for that extra sparkle.
People appreciate that.
Thank you!
Did he just give you a fiver? Aye!
Ye takin' anybody on? You joking? Afternoon!
You!
Whoa! Ho, ho!
SHOUTING
Get him back. I'll kill him, let me go!
You bastard! You bastard! That's enough.
Ya fat specky bastard!!
Whisky, Boabby. C'mon Pete. Willpower, son. C'mon.
Orange Juice. There we go!
We'll take three whiskies, Boabby.
And three half lagers, Boabby. Large Whiskies?
Aye, large whiskies. Aye, big yins.
That better, eh?
Bloody Henderson!
The guy in the car? Ye just about pulled his heid aff!
Poor bastard. You gave him a terrible fright, Pete.
"Poor bastard?" He's anything but poor!
How, who is he? Henderson!
Henderson's the Bakers. We were just in there.
We were getting Beefy bake. Aye a beefy bake.
Nice, was it? The bollocks.
Oh, aye, it would be.
Boabby? Aye, Pete?
Orange Juice.
1979. I'm working in Henderson's the Bakers.
Pies, sausage rolls, that sort of thing.
So one day, I thought I'd try something new.
I've arsed aboot with a nice bit of shoulder steak, spices, black pepper.
I takes my creation up to Henderson.
He tastes it And just aboot blows aff in his pocket.
"Pete," he says...
"That there, is genius.
"The meat. The crust.
"The gravy.
"It's perfect.
"What ye callin' it?"
"Beefy bake."
What ye daein'? Eh? Aw aye, you invented the Beefy bake?
Aye, I did, aye.
Lot of crap.
Ah, 1979 - that was the year I invented the Space Hopper!
I took the world by storm with my Rubik's Cube.
You no' believe me? Naw, we don't, naw.
There's your bucket.
Well? It's a bloody beefy bake. Aye it's a beefy bake.
It's a beefy bake and no mistake.
Telt ye. That's fantastic, that.
Here, wait a minute. What's fantastic aboot it?
That fat bastard in the posh motor
has built an empire on the back of the beefy bake.
That's the cornerstone.
That's the lifeblood! That's the bloody crown jewel of the bakery!
And look at this poor dick.
One pair of underpants, lives under a bridge.
This Henderson has to be taken tae task. Aye. Too right...
Pete, where is this factory? Cranston estate.
Right. Victor. Yellow Pages.
Get this Henderson on the phone and demand a meeting tomorrow.
Pete, pen and paper, get that recipe wrote doon.
Winston, bus timetable, it's in that cabinet next to the door.
Find oot what bus goes past that Cranston Estate. Right.
Here, what are you daein'?
I'm gauny finish this!
Morning, Isa! Aye. Navid! Cash and Carry day.
The van is round the back. Bring it round the front. All right.
Here, Navid. Will you do me a favour? What is it?
Will you have a word with Tam for me? What aboot?
About romance n'at. That's a bit desperate.
Tam's married. Find yer own man.
No' me! I was talkin' to Frances.
His stinginess is strangling the relationship!
Aw the romance is oot it.
You need to talk to him about changing his ways.
You want me to talk to Tam,
the most miserable bastard in the world, about changing his ways?
Why don't you give me something simpler to do, woman?
Like stealing the Koh-i-noor diamond?
Or climbing K2 with Meena strapped to ma back? Jesus!
You worked here long, hen?
Three years.
Tell me this. Of all Mr Henderson's wonderfully tasty products,
which is your favourite?
That's easy. The beefy bake. Everybody in here loves it.
In fact see when yer in the queue for the canteen? That's awe ye hear.
Beefy bake! Beefy bake! Beefy bake!
Yer standing there sweatin', in case
by the time ye get to the counter there's nane left!
That happens aw the time.
Someone's got to go away intae the factory to get another tray.
You're staunin' there gie'in it,
"Hurry, up, where's ma beefy bake? I cannae take it!"
Aye. They're that good.
So the answer to your question, my favourite is the beefy bake.
HE SOBS
Can I get you anything to drink?
A last whisky! Easy. Come on, noo. PHONE RINGS
Hello. Right.
Mr Henderson'll see yous now.
Winston, ye no' comin'?
Nah. I'm just gauny sit here.
Gentlemen. Hello.
That was an awful carry-on yesterday.
I got a terrible fright.
Of course, I recognised you, Pete. But it was an absolute bolt from the blue!
When I got home my wife wanted me to phone the police.
But then you phoned and I thought, "No.
"No. I'll hear them out."
Well, that's very kind of you.
And Pete is sorry about that. Aren't you, Pete?
Sit down. Sit down.
How can I help you? What's all this about? Well,
Pete here used to work for you, right? That's right.
And he was telling us while he was here, he invented the beefy bake.
Right. Uh-huh. So, we were thinking... Well...
what we were thinking was... PHONE RINGS
Sorry, I'll not be a minute.
Hello? What's goin' on here, Jack?
He seems like a helluva nice fella...
He does, aye...
Pete! You better not be kiddin', ya bastard!
Sorry about that. You were thinking.
Well, we were thinking Pete is due some form of compensation.
For inventing the beefy bake.
Oh. I see!
Compensation.
Compensation. Compensation.
How about this for compensation, eh?
Would that no' do ye, Pete? A wee dram?
You always liked a dram, didn't ye?
Wait a minute here. Go on, you know you want it. Take it!
You're out of line!
Compensation!?
Do not make me laugh!
This man is a shambling sot!
He always was! I gave this man a job and he drank it away.
Now you come here...
And I've to compensate YOU?
You're a despicable old bastard! I'm gauny stick one on your chin!
Wait a minute, Victor! That's enough.
Let me dae it!
You've no' heard the last of this!
I believe I have! Arseholes!
Where's Winston?
Let me just check this one...
Adequate. Mark that down.
Now, I'll test this one and this one later on.
Where's the sausage rolls?
Can we talk mano a mano?
What's mano a mano? Man to man.
How did ye no' just say man to man?
Ach, it doesnae matter. No, what is it?
I have been thinking about the institution of marriage.
Here is what I think.
Marriage is like a garden.
Nice lawn. Plants.
Roses.
If you do not water your lawn, tend to it,
then one day when the sun is shining,
you will go to lie on your lawn and it will be...
rubbish. The grass will all be brown and there will be baldy patches everywhere.
Shit. It will be shit.
I thought we were going to the Cash and Carry? Are we going to the garden centre?
Say you have a car. Bought. Not rented. A good car that you own and love.
You have to put petrol in it.
Otherwise, it won't go anywhere.
So you have to pull in.
Take out your nozzle,
stick it in,
spend a few quid,
fill it up. Navid,
what the hell is it you're talkin' about?
Frances is not giving you your hole because you are a tightarse
and it is making her sick. Jesus. What? Who?
Frances told Isa and Isa blabbed to me.
Well, that's marvellous, in't it? Everyone's talking about my sex life.
Naw. You don't have a sex life worth talking about.
Still on the orange juice, Pete? Aye. That's a month now.
My God. Fair play to you. The next one's on me.
Pete! The very man!
Have ye heard anything yet? You are gonna get your day in court.
Now, listen to this.
"This letter is to confirm that the date of the hearing in the case
of McCormack vs Henderson has been set for 15th of October at 12 noon.
Jesus. October? This is January.
That's a good thing, Pete. That gives us time to prepare.
Build our case.
Do I need a lawyer? What for? You've got the two of us!
What do you two know about the law? Hey! Hey!
What do you think we do all day, eh?
His hoose? Sky. Perry Mason. Boof!
It's a scoosh!
Objection, yer honour!
Lawyers. That's money ye don't need to spend, boy.
Lawyers charge by the hour, Pete.
See for a big courty thing like this? A lawyer would set you back a fortune.
Fine by me. We rest our case.
Evening, boys. Whisky and a sherry, please, Boabby.
Frances! Isa!
What's goin' on? It's great!
He came in and he says "You've been working hard all week, darlin'.
"Get yersel' dolled up. We'll go out for a quick drink, and something to eat!"
Good for you! Thanks love!
Here, Tam. That's Pete got his court date.
When? October. October?
Good news, Pete. Stick it to that miserable bastard, Henderson!
Ready to eat, sweetheart? Aye.
Right. That's us.
Where ye off to? Over there to sit. Two pies and beans, Boabby.
Two pies and beans?
Sorry, sweetheart. Would you prefer peas with your pie?
Go after her, ya arsehole!
Frances! Frances!
What's the matter, sweetheart?
What's the matter? You just don't get it, dae ye?
What?
You said a quick drink and then a bite to eat. Aye.
And the Clansman's your idea of a nice meal?
It's convivial... I'll tell ye what it is. It's the last straw.
Don't say that, sweetheart.
You are unbelievable, do you know that?
You're like Scrooge!
I mean, ye even talked me into putting ma teeth
in wi' yours to save on the Steradent!
Well, I've had enough, Tam!
DOOR SHUTS
Can I try again?
I can change.
If you give me a chance, I can change.
Starting tonight. Look.
A bottle of bubbly.
?24.99. And a Chinese meal.
No shite. Wongs on the High Street.
The good gear. I even got ye they ribs ye like.
Although I don't take ribs.
Even if ye eat a couple and leave the rest.
To hell with it. We'll fire them in the bin.
As long as you're happy.
Do we have to have the leftover prawn crackers for breakfast?
No' if you don't want to.
Separate tumblers for the teeth?
Aye. Let's go crazy.
Bedroom. Now!
This is the full bhuna this, in't it? Aye.
My arse is makin' buttons here, Jack.
All stand.
I don't think you've got tae dae that, Jack.
Jack! Victor!
Case number 804. McCormack against Henderson.
Who represents the defender? Martin Bradshaw, my Lord,
of Bradshaw, Tennant, Osterman, Hendley and Kellerman.
The pursuer?
That's us. Eh?
Ahem, Jack Jarvis and Victor McDade, your worship,
of eh, Jarvis, MacDade, Osprey, Heights, and Craiglang.
Morning, everyone. Objection!
It's two minutes past twelve.
Um. Good afternoon.
Would the two parties like to present their case?
Mr Henderson. Do you wear glasses?
I do, yes. May I see them?
Let the record show Mr Henderson has handed me his spectacles.
Could you look towards my learned colleague
and tell the court what you see in his hands?
From here? I can't. I'm sorry.
Something brown.
Put your glasses back on.
Certainly.
Now tell the court what you see.
Oh, right. It's a beefy bake.
This "something brown"
was indeed something.
A beefy bake.
So it'd be fair to say you've led a privileged life.
Yes. I would agree with that.
Well, he hasnae!
His arse is hangin' oot his troosers!
Your arse is lined with diamonds.
I put it to you, sir, that you are a thieving arsehole!
Objection, my Lord!
Sustained!
So you've abstained from drinking for nine months now? Yes.
So when you were drinking, how much alcohol
would you go through in an average day? Objection!
Yes? Our client would have no way of knowing the answer to that due to
the fact that he's a raging alky and his brain is like scambled egg.
I have to concur with my associate. Mr Bradshaw refers to how much alcohol.
But technically, this is an incorrect line of questioning
because it could also have been Methylated spirits,
hair lacquer or indeed on one occasion, Turps. M'lud.
So the beefy bake, we are agreed,
was invented on the morning of September 15, 1979.
Correct.
And at this time, was Mr McCormack in your employ?
He was.
So for the avoidance of doubt, Mr McCormack was being paid by you,
or in layman's terms, clocked in, when he invented the beefy bake.
Exactly.
Objection!
Hold on a second. Mr Bradshaw, where are you going with this?
I'm simply showing that the beefy bake was invented on Mr Henderson's time.
- Carry on. - Objection!
What is it now?
Bear in mind, this objection had better be good
because all your others have been frankly, preposterous.
Your last one was someone in the gallery was eating and
it was putting you off because you hadn't had your lunch yet.
It is being said that Pete, well, Mr McCormack was clocked in.
But he wasn't.
Because September 15th 1979 was a Sunday.
Yes. And? Since that factory opened...
Remember you're still under oath.
Yes, your honour. Since it opened, there's been no production on a Sunday.
The ovens were switched aff.
That's when we did the cleanin'.
So I made the beefy bake in ma hoose. In ma oven.
I brought it in for him to taste it.
Is this true? Are the ovens always off on a Sunday?
Yes, my Lord.
CHATTERING
Could counsel approach the bench?
This is like the telly, in't it? I beg your pardon?
Approach the bench. Jack, sssh.
I must say, Mr Bradshaw, I'm surprised at the way you've conducted your case today.
You are maintaining this man invented this tasty bake on your time.
Beefy. Tasty beefy...
- Beefy bake. - Whatever.
But this thing was in fact invented at Mr McCormack's home.
Your client cannot own a man 24 hours a day.
I'm going to call a recess to establish
whether or not the date in question was a Sunday.
If it was, believe me. It will be pivotal.
And not in your client's favour.
So if it was a Sunday, that's a kick in the balls for them, in't it?
Just go to lunch.
Looking good, in't it? Aye, it's looking good.
What do you think the judge is gonna say?
It's gonna be a settlement. Ten grand. 100 grand.
I really don't know.
But ye've seen the set-up in there. It's going to be serious.
Jack! Victor! That's Tam on the phone. Wee boy! Eight pounds six ounces.
CHEERING
OK. How does it feel, at 64, to be the oldest mother in Britain?
It's marvellous. What age are you, sir? 70.
Incredible. You looking forward to sleepless nights?
I cannae wait.
At today's cost of living, they say in a baby's first year,
a family can spend ?3,000. Cannae put a price on happiness.
Oh! Jesus. Look at the time. We better get our skates on.
Where's Pete? Oh, ho, ho!
It's a beautiful day!
A new baby in Craiglang!
I'm gaun' for a pish!
Henderson, your arse is collapsing!
Yep.
It sure is.
All stand!
Oh, there ye are.
Ye can take yer stupid wig aff and go have a lie-doon.
The party's over!
If I could interrupt for a minute, my Lord?
During the recess, my client and Mr McCormack
managed to come to an amicable arrangement
and are pleased to announce we no longer need to trouble the court with this matter.
Oh...
Are you happy enough with this settlement, Mr McCormack?
Happy as a gypsy's dug wi' two cocks!
What huv ye done? Wait till ye see what I'm getting.
Right. Breakfast!
Aw, that's marvellous in't it?
Look at him grabbing my finger!
Aye. He's as tight-fisted as his da!
Right. We'll get away and let ye get on with it.
Get some peace.
C'mon, boys. Wee bit of luck, eh?
Oh, aye.
Here, I think this is going to work out just fine!