Honestly, Tam. See, if you fell in the Clyde,
you'd come out with a salmon in yer mooth.
I'm gonna look oot ma good suit!
BABIES CRY IN BACKGROUND
Never thought I'd find masel' in a bloody baby store.
I know. It's like a supermarket, they've got everything -
toys, prams, sterilisers. It's mental.
That's Tam doon a financial hole, noo.
New mums, they want all this stuff. It geez em peace of mind.
Everything's gotta be perfect, you know?
What aboot this?
No, we'll get him something to wear.
What about this?
He's a week old, for God's sake.
He'll grow intae it!
Aye, in aboot twelve bloody year! Oh, we'll get him a wee sleepsuit.
There's yer change. So, which one of youse is the new grandfather?
Nah, it's our pal that's had a baby.
Yer pal? Aye.
He's 70. It was in the paper.
Oh, I read about that.
They'll have there work cut out for them there, eh? Not half. Cheery-bye.
Cheery-bye!
Here, Jack, look at this...
125 pound!
It's a clown! It is a clown!
It's obvious it's a clown! You're a clown!
Have you seen the price of cots?
I cannae tell youse how much I've forked out on baby stuff this week.
I've got to make savings somewhere!
Has Frances seen this?
Not yet, no.
There's splinters sticking oot and everything, Tam.
Aye, and what the hell's this?
Bend that back in.
Frances is gonna take one look at that and order you to smash it up.
How will she?
My father built my cot. It's a tradition.
Your father was a joiner! Ah, shut up!
Here, here's an idea.
Why don't you get a bit of string, wrap all this shite up
and make a mobile for the wee baby?
TELEPHONE RINGS
Tam Mullen, 0200...
Uh-huh. Yes.
Oh, that sounds nice.
And who would be paying for that?
Business class? Of course, business class, aye.
A room? No, no, no, no, no.
You see we'd need a suite because we'd be taking the baby with us.
Right, then. Speak to you in the morning.
What's my best side, boys?
That side or that side?
What you talking aboot?
I'm gonnae be on Lorraine Kelly.
What does Lorraine Kelly want with the likes of you?
Because Frances is Britain's oldest mother. It's news!
They're going to take us down and put us up in a fancy hotel.
Honestly, Tam. See, if you fell in the Clyde,
you'd come out with a salmon in yer mooth.
I'm gonna look oot ma good suit!
FABRIC TEARS
VICTOR AND JACK LAUGH
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
Lorraine Kelly!
I tell you this, Jack, Tam may be down there rubbing shoulders with the famous,
but he cannot do what we're doin'.
Do what? We're no' doin' anything.
Exactly. Tam's no gonnae have any time to just dae nothing.
Sit, relax with a book and a can, feet up.
No, no' with a newborn.
See, what Tam's done is he's took the natural order and he's snapped it.
The way it's supposed to work is you're born, you grow up,
you get a wife, then you have weans, then you work your tits aff bringing them up.
Then they leave, then you get to sit on yer arse. Smashin'. Aye.
Tam's got it all upside doon. I mean, what age is he, 70?
New wean, by Christ?
I mean, what's he gonna dae, right,
when that boy's 16, and full of himsel' and givin' it,
"I'm goin' oot tae get steamin' drunk
"and smash windaes and sniff glue"?
Tam's sittin' there, well intae his eighties, givin' it, "No yer no'."
"I am, you auld bastard. And your not gonnae dae anything aboot it."
So Tam's like that. He gets up, arms like knittin' needles,
"I'll stick one on your bloody chin!"
And the boy goes, "Sit your arse, you old prick, while I rifle through yer pockets."
Doesn't bear thinking aboot, does it?
Aye, ye need yer strength tae keep a boy in line. You've got to be young.
I wouldnae swap places wi' Tam for all the tea in China.
No, me neither.
TELEPHONE RINGS Who's that?
Hello?
All right.
No, I don't know what you should do, either. Piss off!
That was Tam. That's them in the hotel.
He says he diesnae know whether to have a big steak sent to the room,
beast into the minibar or have a splash in the Jacuzzi.
CHEERING
Coming up after the break, I'm going to be meeting
a couple who've just have just had a lovely wee baby.
"Where's the news in that?", I hear you ask.
Well, the mother of that baby is 64 years of age,
and that makes her Britain's oldest mum.
We'll be right back.
Here, you think they're paying them? It's Tam we're talkin' aboot, here.
He'll have wangled a fee. Aye.
Hotels, flights up and doon to London.
I don't think they pay guests on they types of shows.
Lorraine Kelly'll be hoovering all the money oot it for herself.
Aye, you're right, aye.
There'll be nothing left for any other silly bastard. Yeah, she must be padded.
Aye, she's padded.
And a wee ride intae the bargain!
Aye. She's awe mumsy and pumpable.
That drives me off my nut!
She's my number two after Judy Finnegan. Away, for Christ sake!
You would take Judy Finnegan over Lorraine Kelly?
That's like refusing a Ferrari and taking a Morris Minor.
But yer forgettin', Jack, the Morris Minor's got the big, sticky-oot head lamps.
Aye, I'll gie ye that. Oh, oh, oh!
Still to come, this season's sassy shoes
with our Mark - from the High Street, of course.
First, though, let's meet Frances and Tam Mullen and their beautiful new baby.
Absolutely gorgeous. What have you called him?
Well, he's only a week old, so we're still negotiating.
I like Christopher, Frederick, Crawford
and I really like Augustus, I think that sounds quite noble.
But Tam doesn't agree.
Oh, what name are you holding out for, then, Tam? Tam.
Tam? Aye.
That gies ye, "Oh, look! There's Big Tam and Wee Tam."
Or auld Tam and Young Tam, if you like.
Right. I quite like Augustus.
No. Tam.
OK. Frances, what's it like being Britain's oldest mum at 64?
It's quite strange. We never planned it, that's for sure.
No, no. We did not.
I hope you don't mind me saying, you know, but you're both no longer young.
Have you got friends to help you out with baby-sitting and things?
It's quite tricky. I've only got my sister
and she lives down he coast, and Tam doesn't have any family.
But we've got a good pal, Isa, who I'm sure would love to baby-sit.
In't that right, Isa?
Oh, it's official, Isa. It's been on the telly.
You're first in line for a usin'!
That'll be bloody right.
If he comes to ma door looking for a baby-sitter I'll no' be in!
So, how are you coping with the sleepless nights?
Well, I'm no spring chicken myself, Lorraine, and I'm a wee bit set in ma ways.
I like a can of beer - well, a few cans, really -
so during the night I'm generally comatose, snoring the bit oot.
She'll be getting up. I'll no' even hear it greetin'. It?!
Aye. Until we're agreed on Tam it's getting called "it."
ALL: Oh!
Oh, he's called the wee 'un "it" on national television!
Frances, now, there's been a lot of media attention over this birth, hasn't there?
You're on here, I imagine that companies have been in touch?
You know, offering you complimentary baby items? Eh?
So, what I really wanted to talk about...
Whoa, whoa - put yer foot on the brakes, sweetheart.
What was that about complimentary baby items?
Well, when something so special, you know, like this happens,
big companies fall over themselves to associate their goods with you.
So you'll get free baby items - toys, nappies,
that kind of thing. Has that not happened?
No. How do we go about that? Well, I'm sure they'll be in touch.
Let me give you the details in case you need to get in touch.
0141 946 0200.
We can't give that out on air. Sssh now, sweetheart.
Tam and Frances Mullen, 25 Ratloch Road, Craiglang.
Tam, you can't do that! The doorbell's no' working so gi' the door a tap.
Oh!
KNOCKING
Hello!
Visitors! Are you in?
All right, Frances, there? Hello, Tam.
Oh, how's the wee bundle of joy, there? He's grand, Jack. Thanks.
Youse were good on the telly.
Here's a couple of keepsakes.
Oh... Mugs?
Aye. Lifted them off Lorraine's table.
You'll need to gie them a rinse oot, they're still dirty.
Welcome!
Youse couldnae do us a favour, eh?
Seen that comin' Look after the wean for a couple of hours? Well...
We're kinda busy. We were gonnae ask Isa but she's no' in.
No' in? On a Thursday?
Isa!! ...She's normally in.
Isa!!
Bastard!
The thing, is we need to go into town to meet a media agent. A media agent?
Aye. The phone's been ringing off the hook since Lorraine Kelly.
Companies phoning us up, want to deals wi' their products.
Nappies and that. Baby stuff.
It's big!
How long you gonna be away? Without the wean we'll be in and out in two hours.
Look at the wee soul. He's sound asleep. Aye, but for how long, Jack?
How long? Oh, he'll be sound now for a good three or four hours.
I just fed him. If he wakes, just heat up the bottle in his bag,
give him it and he'll go back over.
Heat up a bottles now?
HE SIGHS HEAVILY
Aye, we'll dae it. Aye. Thanks.
Right, is that the time?
I better be getting off to the bookies! ...Hold the lift.
So, to recap, we are offering two years' commitment.
You'll never have to buy a single nappy. Thanks, Susan.
Finally, Brian.
Brian's with First Taste baby foods.
What's happened to you both, well...
it's a beautiful miracle.
We at First Taste baby foods would like to wish you well.
Now, having a baby can be a stressful time, and we would like to be the ones to help.
You know what would help me? What's that?
Wads of cash.
Wads of cash? Aye.
Let me tell you a bit about my background.
I am a dirty miserable bastard
and I'm famous for it.
I come from a long line of tight arses. It's in my blood
and I'd like to think that when the wee fella,
when he grows up, he, too, will be a dirty miserable bastard.
My good lady here is Britain's oldest mother.
Now, that's worth something. I know youse know that.
Free nappies, bibs, food, talcum...
Nah.
Anybody want to talk aboot money today?
You're clearly a very shrewd man, Mr Mullen,
so I would like to revise our offer.
How does this sound?
A five-year advertising campaign fronted by you and your wife,
with your baby's image on every jar we sell.
From every jar we sell, we'll pay you one pence.
One pence?
One pence a jar?! One pence a jar.
How many jars do you sell a year?
12 million.
Can I borrow your calculator, please?
BABY SCREAMS AND CRIES
This is nae use. I can still hear it.
It's like a bloody fire alarm.
It's cuttin' through me like a knife.
I'm gonna kill tha bastard and his skinny wife when he gets back here!
That's four hours!
We need to dae something.
Why's it greetin' like that? I don't know.
Maybe it's shat itself! Well, I'm not getting involved in that!
No, me neither. Away and bang Isa's door again,
she'll know what tae dae! I'm going to get the bottle.
Isa! Isa, open this door!
We know you're in there, Jack seen ye!
Hello, Victor. What is it?
You know fine well what it is!
Come and gie us a hand with this baby, it's pullin' place doon!
BABY CONTINUES SCREAMING AND CRYING
There, there, my wee lamb. Come on, noo.
Shh.
Isa!
You're a genius!
Jack, come see this.
Jack?
Oh, Jack, you're all right?
That was a helluva fright you gied me!
I'm sorry. No, no, no. There's nothing tae apologise for.
I thought you were deid in that kitchen. I dunno what happened.
I just felt the lights goin' oot.
What's caused that, Doctor?
We don't know. We need to find out why he blacked out.
We're gonna put him in a ward and the next thing will be an angiogram.
A whatogram? Nothing to worry about yet, Mr Jarvis.
We inject some dye and check that your valves are working. It's very routine.
So, it's his heart? It might be. That's what we're gonna find out.
Now, I'm afraid you're gonna have to excuse us.
Victor.
Eh?
Oh, how you feeling?
Aye, no' bad. How long you been sittin' there?
Three hours.
Away up the road. You're like Greyfriars Bobby, there!
No, no. I'll stay with you.
I'll no' die on you, on you go.
Right. I'll go to your hoose and let masel' in.
I'll get your 'jamas and that, you know?
I'll get you food, a magazine, juice.
I'll do you up a wee kit bag. Oh, and I'll bring yer tranny. I'll come straight back.
And jelly babies. You love them.
It's ten o'clock at night, Victor. You can dae that in the morning.
No. I'll dae it the night.
You'd dae the same for me.
We've got to watch oot for each other, Jack.
We havenae got anybody else.
I'll be away one hour.
Thanks, Victor.
Nae bother, Jack.
BIRD SINGS
Morning, Jack.
Mornin', Victor.
Aye, I know.
I took a dizzy turn when I was leaving the hospital last night.
I went doon the stairs heed first.
Boof! Unconscious. I never even made it to the bus stop.
Away, ya stupid bastard.
So that's me wi' nae jammies, nae juice and nae Jelly Babies?
Are you all right?
I've bashed a couple of ribs and ma wrist is humped.
Oh, and here's the rub.
I've tae get one of they angiogram thingmies 'an all.
JACK SIGHS
It's ma fault.
I shouldnae have pissed aff to the bookies and left them. I feel bad.
No. If anyone's to blame, it's me.
If I'd have opened the door and taken wean in, this might never have happened.
One pence a jar...
I shoulda pushed for two!
You know what, you bastard?
You're a ball hair away from getting a boot in the stones. Eh?
That's the boys there lyin' up there in hospital,
and all you can think aboot how much money yer gonna make!
Steady on, Winston. I'm worried aboot Jack and Victor an' all.
Selfish! Who, me? Aye, you.
Ye've aye been selfish, Tam.
Because I didnae want to drag the wean into the toon on a freezing cauld day?
How is that selfish?
I don't see why I'm getting all the blame for this.
That wean is your responsibility.
He's only a week old and already yer dumping him off on folk.
I have no' dumped him on anybody. Jack and Victor are friends of mine.
I trust them. I don't just go leavin' ma wean wi' anybody!
Mr Mullen, yer baby's gone aff its nut.
It totally won't stop cryin', and I've got to get back to school.
Stick his dummy in, son, I'll be oot in a minute!
Away ye go, ya daft auld poof!
Eh? You couldnae handle goin' up the road yersel'
so you threw yersel' doon the stairs of the hospital
just so you could jump into the bed next to him. Shut yer hole!
So, have youse had all yer tests?
Aye. It's just that we're lying here, waiting noo.
What like's the grub?
Dynamite. Aye, that boy Jamie Oliver comes round every day
and cooks it fresh at the bottom of yer bed(!)
Aye. He did me a big plate of scrambled egg
this morning wi' a lovely thing all through.
What was it called again? Superbug. Smashin'(!)
BELL RINGS
It's a quick hour, innit? You've no' said much, Tam.
Ah, well, they two have been gein' me it tight since I left the wean wi' yeez.
Ach, well. That's the end of that, then.
These things happen. How you gettin' on wi' that free stuff?
Aye, they're talkin aboot makin' an advert, puttin' me and Frances in it.
Is that right? That's magic.
Here, Jack.
I've got this for you. Keep you warm the night.
Hey, they've got blankets in here to keep them warm at night.
Put that back in your pocket. Busted.
Here, hen. I've done them a couple of filled rolls, would that be OK?
That'll be fine. Smashing.
Right. That's us offski.
See you later.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
I have your angiogram results.
If I could have a word with you first, Mr MacDade.
It's all right. You can speak in front of him, son. He's an old pal.
Well, we've had a look at your tests and we've diagnosed you as a clumsy bugger.
There's nothing wrong with your heart,
but what I would suggest is you make sure you're eating properly,
and try not to do too much running around at your age.
Right-o, son. So, I'm fit to go?
Yes. Have a quick word with the nurse and you can go home.
Right. Me.
I cannae believe you're getting oot. I cannae believe you're no'.
Bloody bypass.
So when are they saying? Wednesday. Two o'clock in the afternoon. Right.
I've got a theory, you know.
What's that?
One in, one out.
What are you talking about?
Well, Tam and Frances, they've got a new baby.
That's a new life in Craiglang.
By my reckoning, that means some old duffer's got tae check out.
Make space for it.
It's him up the stairs making a balance.
Listen to yersel!
Ye're no giein' yersel the best possible chance
worryin' aboot garbage like that, are ye?
Well, I'm worried, Victor.
Listen, Jack.
We've been through a lot of stuff together.
A lot of hard shit in wur time.
But our time isnae done yet!
This is what the Yankees call a curve ball.
And if he's throwing you one, you, Jack Jarvis, you've got tae bat it oot the park.
Victor?
Aye. Where is it you get all that shite?
Aff all they crappy movies they show in the afternoon.
Wednesday, then.
Wednesday.
Look, will ye listen, Fiona, darling?
Look, take a telling. I don't want you here.
No, there isnae any point...
I hear what you're saying, aye, but look,
I'll be doon and I'll be back on the ward before you know what's happened.
Anyway, I've got Victor here.
I know that. Yeah, but I'm no' frightened, so that's all that matters, in't it?.
Well, you know me, I'll no die in ma bloody bed!
Right. As soon as I'm about masel I'll gie ye a call.
Now listen, darling, I don't want you worrying. Right?
OK. Right, well, kiss the boys for me.
All right? OK.
I love you too...
Right ye are. That's my money, I'll see you later.
Alrighty. Bye.
What yous all wanting?
Whisky.
I'll take a sherry, Tam.
Gies a lager.
Put your money back in your pocket, Tam.
No.
Fiona!
How you daein', darling? Where's ma dad, Victor?
He's no gone in yet. I didnae think you were coming.
Jack says he telt you no' tae come.
When did I ever listen to ma dad, Victor?
Dad?
Oh, Fiona.
I thought I told you to stay at home? How you feeling?
I'm just tired, darling.
How long is the operation, Doctor?
I can't really say. Generally it's fairly routine.
But I'll not kid you on. When the patient is this age,
this procedure has a good deal more risk involved.
Now we're going to do our best for him. But we really need to go.
Don't worry. Well, I AM worried.
He's my dad, he's old.
MONITOR BEEPS
Shit... Quick!
Where the bloody hell are you going?
I'm going to Jean, Victor.
It's time. No it's no'.
Sorry darling, I kinda need him for a wee bit longer.
Jack... Jack...
Oot the way, Victor.
Naw. Get doon they stairs.
Ja-ack!
Back aff, ya spooky bitch!
Come on. Shift yer arse.
Quit shovin'.
Fiona darling. Victor.
Jackie boy! Good to see you again! How you feelin', Dad?
I was right there.
That was something else, that was.
Where?
Up there.
Saw yer mother.
Aye, she was beautiful.
She was young, just the way I remember her.
That's good, Dad.
He called her a spooky bitch.
Eh? Did ye? Indeed I did not! Aye, ye did!
As if I'd call her that! When was this supposed to have happened?
Up there. I called your missus a spooky bitch?
Aye, and then you shoved me doon the stairs.
You're out yer tits on morphine, Jack.
So much choice.
At 64, I'm Britain's oldest mum.
And when you're that bit older, you're that bit wiser.
And that's why the obvious choice for our baby... Tam Junior...
...has to be First Taste Original Organic Selection.
First Taste - still doing it after all these years.
You old fox!
And cut! Great.
Well done, that was terrific. Thank you very much.
So, when do the new jars hit the shelves, then?
Oh, it'll be about three weeks.
About the same time the advert's coming out. ...Excuse me.
Hello? What's wrong?
You got a paper? Paper? Give me the paper.
What page?
Oh, shit!
Cut that.
That's us out of here. Come on, let's go.
I'll do it for half a pence a jar!
This is one of the most fire-prone regions on earth.
How far are we from the fire now?
I can see the trees have been completely scorched and blackened.
I've just bought a piece of Amazon.
Just on the other side of this hill.