1
00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:02,017
Honestly, Tam. See, if
you fell in the Clyde,

2
00:00:02,022 --> 00:00:02,480
you'd come out with a
salmon in yer mooth.

3
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:04,500
I'm gonna look oot ma good suit!

4
00:00:35,500 --> 00:00:37,500
BABIES CRY IN BACKGROUND

5
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:40,500
Never thought I'd find masel'
in a bloody baby store.

6
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:46,500
I know. It's like a supermarket,
they've got everything -

7
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:49,500
toys, prams, sterilisers.
It's mental.

8
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:52,500
That's Tam
doon a financial hole, noo.

9
00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:55,500
New mums, they want all this stuff.
It geez em peace of mind.

10
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:57,500
Everything's gotta be perfect,
you know?

11
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:01,500
What aboot this?

12
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,500
No, we'll get him something to wear.

13
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:05,500
What about this?

14
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,500
He's a week old, for God's sake.

15
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:08,500
He'll grow intae it!

16
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:13,500
Aye, in aboot twelve bloody year!
Oh, we'll get him a wee sleepsuit.

17
00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:16,500
There's yer change. So, which one
of youse is the new grandfather?

18
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:18,500
Nah, it's our pal that's had a baby.

19
00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:19,500
Yer pal? Aye.

20
00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:22,500
He's 70. It was in the paper.

21
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:23,500
Oh, I read about that.

22
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,500
They'll have there work cut out for
them there, eh? Not half. Cheery-bye.

23
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,500
Cheery-bye!

24
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:33,500
Here, Jack, look at this...

25
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:35,500
125 pound!

26
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:43,500
It's a clown! It is a clown!

27
00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,500
It's obvious it's a clown!
You're a clown!

28
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,500
Have you seen the price of cots?

29
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:50,500
I cannae tell youse how much I've
forked out on baby stuff this week.

30
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,500
I've got to make savings somewhere!

31
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,500
Has Frances seen this?

32
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:56,500
Not yet, no.

33
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:59,500
There's splinters sticking
oot and everything, Tam.

34
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:00,500
Aye, and what the hell's this?

35
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,500
Bend that back in.

36
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:09,500
Frances is gonna take one look at
that and order you to smash it up.

37
00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:11,500
How will she?

38
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,500
My father built my cot.
It's a tradition.

39
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:16,500
Your father was a joiner!
Ah, shut up!

40
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,500
Here, here's an idea.

41
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:22,500
Why don't you get a bit of string,
wrap all this shite up

42
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,500
and make a mobile for the wee baby?

43
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,500
TELEPHONE RINGS

44
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:36,500
Tam Mullen, 0200...

45
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:39,500
Uh-huh. Yes.

46
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:41,500
Oh, that sounds nice.

47
00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:44,500
And who would be paying for that?

48
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:47,500
Business class?
Of course, business class, aye.

49
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:50,921
A room? No, no, no, no, no.

50
00:02:50,946 --> 00:02:54,500
You see we'd need a suite because
we'd be taking the baby with us.

51
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,500
Right, then.
Speak to you in the morning.

52
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,500
What's my best side, boys?

53
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:04,500
That side or that side?

54
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:05,500
What you talking aboot?

55
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:08,500
I'm gonnae be on Lorraine Kelly.

56
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,500
What does Lorraine Kelly
want with the likes of you?

57
00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:15,500
Because Frances is
Britain's oldest mother. It's news!

58
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:18,500
They're going to take us down
and put us up in a fancy hotel.

59
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:20,567
Honestly, Tam. See, if
you fell in the Clyde,

60
00:03:20,592 --> 00:03:22,500
you'd come out with a
salmon in yer mooth.

61
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,500
I'm gonna look oot ma good suit!

62
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,500
FABRIC TEARS

63
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:31,500
VICTOR AND JACK LAUGH

64
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:40,500
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

65
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,500
Lorraine Kelly!

66
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:49,500
I tell you this, Jack, Tam may be down
there rubbing shoulders with the famous,

67
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,500
but he cannot do what we're doin'.

68
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:53,500
Do what? We're no' doin' anything.

69
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,500
Exactly. Tam's no gonnae have
any time to just dae nothing.

70
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:59,500
Sit, relax
with a book and a can, feet up.

71
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:03,500
No, no' with a newborn.

72
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:07,500
See, what Tam's done is he's took
the natural order and he's snapped it.

73
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:11,500
The way it's supposed to work is
you're born, you grow up,

74
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:15,500
you get a wife, then you have weans, then
you work your tits aff bringing them up.

75
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:20,500
Then they leave, then you get
to sit on yer arse. Smashin'. Aye.

76
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:24,500
Tam's got it all upside doon.
I mean, what age is he, 70?

77
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:25,500
New wean, by Christ?

78
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,478
I mean, what's he
gonna dae, right,

79
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:32,500
when that boy's 16, and full
of himsel' and givin' it,

80
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:35,500
"I'm goin' oot
tae get steamin' drunk

81
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,500
"and smash windaes and sniff glue"?

82
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:43,500
Tam's sittin' there, well intae his
eighties, givin' it, "No yer no'."

83
00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:47,500
"I am, you auld bastard. And your
not gonnae dae anything aboot it."

84
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:51,786
So Tam's like that. He gets up,
arms like knittin' needles,

85
00:04:51,811 --> 00:04:54,500
"I'll stick one on
your bloody chin!"

86
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:59,500
And the boy goes, "Sit your arse, you old
prick, while I rifle through yer pockets."

87
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,500
Doesn't bear
thinking aboot, does it?

88
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:06,500
Aye, ye need yer strength tae keep a
boy in line. You've got to be young.

89
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:10,500
I wouldnae swap places wi' Tam
for all the tea in China.

90
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,500
No, me neither.

91
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:14,500
TELEPHONE RINGS
Who's that?

92
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,500
Hello?

93
00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:23,500
All right.

94
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:30,500
No, I don't know what
you should do, either. Piss off!

95
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,500
That was Tam.
That's them in the hotel.

96
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,500
He says he diesnae know whether to
have a big steak sent to the room,

97
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:39,500
beast into the minibar
or have a splash in the Jacuzzi.

98
00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:56,500
CHEERING

99
00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:58,953
Coming up after the break,
I'm going to be meeting

100
00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:01,480
a couple who've just have
just had a lovely wee baby.

101
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:04,500
"Where's the news in that?",
I hear you ask.

102
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:08,346
Well, the mother of that
baby is 64 years of age,

103
00:06:08,371 --> 00:06:11,500
and that makes her
Britain's oldest mum.

104
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:12,500
We'll be right back.

105
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,500
Here, you think they're paying them?
It's Tam we're talkin' aboot, here.

106
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,500
He'll have wangled a fee. Aye.

107
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,500
Hotels,
flights up and doon to London.

108
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:25,500
I don't think they pay
guests on they types of shows.

109
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,500
Lorraine Kelly'll be hoovering
all the money oot it for herself.

110
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:31,500
Aye, you're right, aye.

111
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,500
There'll be nothing left for any other
silly bastard. Yeah, she must be padded.

112
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,500
Aye, she's padded.

113
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:39,500
And a wee ride intae the bargain!

114
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,500
Aye. She's awe mumsy and pumpable.

115
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,500
That drives me off my nut!

116
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:47,500
She's my number two after Judy
Finnegan. Away, for Christ sake!

117
00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:50,500
You would take Judy Finnegan
over Lorraine Kelly?

118
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:52,500
That's like refusing a Ferrari
and taking a Morris Minor.

119
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:56,500
But yer forgettin', Jack, the Morris
Minor's got the big, sticky-oot head lamps.

120
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:59,500
Aye, I'll gie ye that. Oh, oh, oh!

121
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,346
Still to come, this season's sassy shoes

122
00:07:01,371 --> 00:07:03,500
with our Mark - from the
High Street, of course.

123
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:08,500
First, though, let's meet Frances and
Tam Mullen and their beautiful new baby.

124
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:11,500
Absolutely gorgeous.
What have you called him?

125
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:14,500
Well, he's only a week old,
so we're still negotiating.

126
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:17,716
I like Christopher,
Frederick, Crawford

127
00:07:17,721 --> 00:07:22,480
and I really like Augustus, I
think that sounds quite noble.

128
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:23,500
But Tam doesn't agree.

129
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:26,500
Oh, what name are you
holding out for, then, Tam? Tam.

130
00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:28,500
Tam? Aye.

131
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,798
That gies ye, "Oh, look!
There's Big Tam and Wee Tam."

132
00:07:30,803 --> 00:07:32,480
Or auld Tam and Young
Tam, if you like.

133
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:35,500
Right. I quite like Augustus.

134
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,500
No. Tam.

135
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:43,500
OK. Frances, what's it like
being Britain's oldest mum at 64?

136
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:46,500
It's quite strange. We never
planned it, that's for sure.

137
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,500
No, no. We did not.

138
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:52,500
I hope you don't mind me saying, you
know, but you're both no longer young.

139
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:55,500
Have you got friends to help you
out with baby-sitting and things?

140
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,575
It's quite tricky.
I've only got my sister

141
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,500
and she lives down he coast,
and Tam doesn't have any family.

142
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:05,500
But we've got a good pal, Isa,
who I'm sure would love to baby-sit.

143
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:07,500
In't that right, Isa?

144
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:12,500
Oh, it's official, Isa.
It's been on the telly.

145
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,500
You're first in line for a usin'!

146
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,500
That'll be bloody right.

147
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:19,500
If he comes to ma door looking
for a baby-sitter I'll no' be in!

148
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,500
So, how are you coping
with the sleepless nights?

149
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:26,500
Well, I'm no spring chicken myself,
Lorraine, and I'm a wee bit set in ma ways.

150
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,500
I like a can of beer -
well, a few cans, really -

151
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:32,500
so during the night I'm generally
comatose, snoring the bit oot.

152
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:35,500
She'll be getting up.
I'll no' even hear it greetin'. It?!

153
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:38,500
Aye. Until we're agreed on
Tam it's getting called "it."

154
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,500
ALL: Oh!

155
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:43,500
Oh, he's called the wee 'un "it"
on national television!

156
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:48,500
Frances, now, there's been a lot of media
attention over this birth, hasn't there?

157
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:51,500
You're on here, I imagine that
companies have been in touch?

158
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:55,500
You know, offering you
complimentary baby items? Eh?

159
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:56,790
So, what I really
wanted to talk about...

160
00:08:56,815 --> 00:08:58,500
Whoa, whoa - put yer foot
on the brakes, sweetheart.

161
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,500
What was that about
complimentary baby items?

162
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,500
Well, when something so special,
you know, like this happens,

163
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:08,500
big companies fall over themselves
to associate their goods with you.

164
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:11,111
So you'll get free baby
items - toys, nappies,

165
00:09:11,136 --> 00:09:13,500
that kind of thing. Has
that not happened?

166
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:17,500
No. How do we go about that?
Well, I'm sure they'll be in touch.

167
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:21,500
Let me give you the details in
case you need to get in touch.

168
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:26,500
0141 946 0200.

169
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:29,500
We can't give that out on air.
Sssh now, sweetheart.

170
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:33,500
Tam and Frances Mullen,
25 Ratloch Road, Craiglang.

171
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:37,500
Tam, you can't do that! The doorbell's
no' working so gi' the door a tap.

172
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:39,500
Oh!

173
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:44,500
KNOCKING

174
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,500
Hello!

175
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:49,500
Visitors! Are you in?

176
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:52,500
All right, Frances, there?
Hello, Tam.

177
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:56,500
Oh, how's the wee bundle of joy,
there? He's grand, Jack. Thanks.

178
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,500
Youse were good on the telly.

179
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,500
Here's a couple of keepsakes.

180
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:03,500
Oh... Mugs?

181
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,500
Aye.
Lifted them off Lorraine's table.

182
00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:08,500
You'll need to gie them a rinse oot,
they're still dirty.

183
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,500
Welcome!

184
00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:12,500
Youse couldnae do us a favour, eh?

185
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:16,500
Seen that comin' Look after the
wean for a couple of hours? Well...

186
00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:21,500
We're kinda busy. We were
gonnae ask Isa but she's no' in.

187
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,500
No' in? On a Thursday?

188
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,500
Isa!! ...She's normally in.

189
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,500
Isa!!

190
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,500
Bastard!

191
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:43,500
The thing, is we need to go into town
to meet a media agent. A media agent?

192
00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:48,500
Aye. The phone's been ringing
off the hook since Lorraine Kelly.

193
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:51,500
Companies phoning us up,
want to deals wi' their products.

194
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:52,500
Nappies and that. Baby stuff.

195
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:54,500
It's big!

196
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:58,500
How long you gonna be away? Without
the wean we'll be in and out in two hours.

197
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:04,500
Look at the wee soul. He's sound
asleep. Aye, but for how long, Jack?

198
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,500
How long? Oh, he'll be sound now
for a good three or four hours.

199
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,718
I just fed him. If he wakes,
just heat up the bottle in his bag,

200
00:11:10,723 --> 00:11:12,480
give him it and
he'll go back over.

201
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,500
Heat up a bottles now?

202
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:18,500
HE SIGHS HEAVILY

203
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,500
Aye, we'll dae it. Aye. Thanks.

204
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:24,657
Right, is that the time?

205
00:11:24,682 --> 00:11:27,524
I better be getting off to the bookies!
...Hold the lift.

206
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:39,500
So, to recap, we are offering
two years' commitment.

207
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:44,500
You'll never have to buy
a single nappy. Thanks, Susan.

208
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,500
Finally, Brian.

209
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:49,500
Brian's with First Taste baby foods.

210
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,500
What's happened to you both, well...

211
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,500
it's a beautiful miracle.

212
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:58,500
We at First Taste baby foods
would like to wish you well.

213
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:03,500
Now, having a baby can be a stressful time,
and we would like to be the ones to help.

214
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:06,500
You know what would help me?
What's that?

215
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,500
Wads of cash.

216
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,500
Wads of cash? Aye.

217
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,500
Let me tell you a bit
about my background.

218
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:18,500
I am a dirty miserable bastard

219
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,500
and I'm famous for it.

220
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:24,500
I come from a long line
of tight arses. It's in my blood

221
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,087
and I'd like to think
that when the wee fella,

222
00:12:27,112 --> 00:12:30,524
when he grows up, he, too, will
be a dirty miserable bastard.

223
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:35,500
My good lady here
is Britain's oldest mother.

224
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:39,500
Now, that's worth something.
I know youse know that.

225
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:44,500
Free nappies, bibs, food, talcum...

226
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,500
Nah.

227
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:49,500
Anybody want to talk aboot
money today?

228
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:53,341
You're clearly a very
shrewd man, Mr Mullen,

229
00:12:53,366 --> 00:12:56,500
so I would like to
revise our offer.

230
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:57,500
How does this sound?

231
00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:01,500
A five-year advertising campaign
fronted by you and your wife,

232
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,500
with your baby's image
on every jar we sell.

233
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:06,500
From every jar we sell,
we'll pay you one pence.

234
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:08,500
One pence?

235
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:10,500
One pence a jar?! One pence a jar.

236
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,500
How many jars do you sell a year?

237
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,500
12 million.

238
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,500
Can I borrow your calculator, please?

239
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,500
BABY SCREAMS AND CRIES

240
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:26,500
This is nae use.
I can still hear it.

241
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,500
It's like a bloody fire alarm.

242
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:30,500
It's cuttin' through me
like a knife.

243
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:35,000
I'm gonna kill tha bastard and his
skinny wife when he gets back here!

244
00:13:35,025 --> 00:13:36,500
That's four hours!

245
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,500
We need to dae something.

246
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:45,500
Why's it greetin' like that?
I don't know.

247
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,500
Maybe it's shat itself! Well,
I'm not getting involved in that!

248
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:50,830
No, me neither. Away and
bang Isa's door again,

249
00:13:50,855 --> 00:13:53,524
she'll know what tae dae! I'm
going to get the bottle.

250
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,500
Isa! Isa, open this door!

251
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,500
We know you're in there,
Jack seen ye!

252
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:08,500
Hello, Victor. What is it?

253
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,079
You know fine well what it is!

254
00:14:10,104 --> 00:14:13,524
Come and gie us a hand with this
baby, it's pullin' place doon!

255
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,500
BABY CONTINUES SCREAMING AND CRYING

256
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:22,500
There, there, my wee lamb.
Come on, noo.

257
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,500
Shh.

258
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:25,500
Isa!

259
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:28,500
You're a genius!

260
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,500
Jack, come see this.

261
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:35,500
Jack?

262
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,500
Oh, Jack, you're all right?

263
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,500
That was a helluva
fright you gied me!

264
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:03,500
I'm sorry. No, no, no.
There's nothing tae apologise for.

265
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:06,500
I thought you were deid in that
kitchen. I dunno what happened.

266
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,500
I just felt the lights goin' oot.

267
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,500
What's caused that, Doctor?

268
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,500
We don't know. We need
to find out why he blacked out.

269
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,500
We're gonna put him in a ward and
the next thing will be an angiogram.

270
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:18,500
A whatogram? Nothing to
worry about yet, Mr Jarvis.

271
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:22,500
We inject some dye and check that your
valves are working. It's very routine.

272
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:26,500
So, it's his heart? It might be.
That's what we're gonna find out.

273
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,500
Now, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to excuse us.

274
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:42,500
Victor.

275
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,500
Victor.

276
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:48,500
Eh?

277
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,500
Oh, how you feeling?

278
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:54,500
Aye, no' bad.
How long you been sittin' there?

279
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,500
Three hours.

280
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,500
Away up the road.
You're like Greyfriars Bobby, there!

281
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,500
No, no. I'll stay with you.

282
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:06,500
I'll no' die on you, on you go.

283
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:11,500
Right. I'll go to your hoose
and let masel' in.

284
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,500
I'll get your 'jamas
and that, you know?

285
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:16,500
I'll get you food,
a magazine, juice.

286
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:20,500
I'll do you up a wee kit bag. Oh, and I'll
bring yer tranny. I'll come straight back.

287
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:26,500
And jelly babies. You love them.

288
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,500
It's ten o'clock at night, Victor.
You can dae that in the morning.

289
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,500
No. I'll dae it the night.

290
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,500
You'd dae the same for me.

291
00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:37,500
We've got to watch oot
for each other, Jack.

292
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:39,500
We havenae got anybody else.

293
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:41,500
I'll be away one hour.

294
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,500
Thanks, Victor.

295
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,500
Nae bother, Jack.

296
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,500
BIRD SINGS

297
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:58,500
Morning, Jack.

298
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:00,500
Mornin', Victor.

299
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,500
Aye, I know.

300
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,500
I took a dizzy turn when I was
leaving the hospital last night.

301
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,500
I went doon the stairs heed first.

302
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,500
Boof! Unconscious. I never
even made it to the bus stop.

303
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,500
Away, ya stupid bastard.

304
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:17,500
So that's me wi' nae jammies,
nae juice and nae Jelly Babies?

305
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:21,500
Are you all right?

306
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,500
I've bashed a couple of ribs
and ma wrist is humped.

307
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,500
Oh, and here's the rub.

308
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:30,500
I've tae get one of they
angiogram thingmies 'an all.

309
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:31,500
JACK SIGHS

310
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:33,500
It's ma fault.

311
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:37,500
I shouldnae have pissed aff to the
bookies and left them. I feel bad.

312
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,500
No. If anyone's to blame, it's me.

313
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:44,500
If I'd have opened the door and taken
wean in, this might never have happened.

314
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:46,500
One pence a jar...

315
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,500
I shoulda pushed for two!

316
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:50,500
You know what, you bastard?

317
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,500
You're a ball hair away from
getting a boot in the stones. Eh?

318
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,794
That's the boys there lyin'
up there in hospital,

319
00:17:54,799 --> 00:17:57,480
and all you can think aboot how
much money yer gonna make!

320
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:00,500
Steady on, Winston. I'm worried
aboot Jack and Victor an' all.

321
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:03,500
Selfish! Who, me? Aye, you.

322
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,500
Ye've aye been selfish, Tam.

323
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,500
Because I didnae want to drag the wean
into the toon on a freezing cauld day?

324
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,500
How is that selfish?

325
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,919
I don't see why I'm getting
all the blame for this.

326
00:18:13,924 --> 00:18:15,480
That wean is your
responsibility.

327
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:18,500
He's only a week old and already
yer dumping him off on folk.

328
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:22,500
I have no' dumped him on anybody.
Jack and Victor are friends of mine.

329
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:26,500
I trust them. I don't just
go leavin' ma wean wi' anybody!

330
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:29,500
Mr Mullen,
yer baby's gone aff its nut.

331
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:33,500
It totally won't stop cryin',
and I've got to get back to school.

332
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,500
Stick his dummy in, son,
I'll be oot in a minute!

333
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,500
Away ye go, ya daft auld poof!

334
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,500
Eh? You couldnae handle goin'
up the road yersel'

335
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:46,500
so you threw yersel'
doon the stairs of the hospital

336
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,500
just so you could jump into the
bed next to him. Shut yer hole!

337
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:51,500
So, have youse had all yer tests?

338
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:54,500
Aye. It's just that
we're lying here, waiting noo.

339
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,500
What like's the grub?

340
00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:01,425
Dynamite. Aye, that boy Jamie
Oliver comes round every day

341
00:19:01,450 --> 00:19:04,500
and cooks it fresh at the
bottom of yer bed(!)

342
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:06,500
Aye. He did me a big
plate of scrambled egg

343
00:19:06,525 --> 00:19:08,500
this morning wi' a lovely
thing all through.

344
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:11,500
What was it called again?
Superbug. Smashin'(!)

345
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,500
BELL RINGS

346
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:17,500
It's a quick hour, innit?
You've no' said much, Tam.

347
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:21,500
Ah, well, they two have been gein' me
it tight since I left the wean wi' yeez.

348
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:24,500
Ach, well.
That's the end of that, then.

349
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:27,500
These things happen. How you
gettin' on wi' that free stuff?

350
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,500
Aye, they're talkin aboot makin' an
advert, puttin' me and Frances in it.

351
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,500
Is that right? That's magic.

352
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:34,500
Here, Jack.

353
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:38,500
I've got this for you.
Keep you warm the night.

354
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:41,600
Hey, they've got blankets in
here to keep them warm at night.

355
00:19:41,625 --> 00:19:43,500
Put that back in your pocket.
Busted.

356
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:46,500
Here, hen. I've done them a couple
of filled rolls, would that be OK?

357
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:49,500
That'll be fine. Smashing.

358
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,500
Right. That's us offski.

359
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:53,500
See you later.

360
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,500
Afternoon, gentlemen.

361
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,500
I have your angiogram results.

362
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:06,500
If I could have a word with you
first, Mr MacDade.

363
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:09,500
It's all right. You can speak in
front of him, son. He's an old pal.

364
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:14,500
Well, we've had a look at your tests and
we've diagnosed you as a clumsy bugger.

365
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:16,357
There's nothing wrong
with your heart,

366
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,500
but what I would suggest is you
make sure you're eating properly,

367
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:23,500
and try not to do too much
running around at your age.

368
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:26,500
Right-o, son. So, I'm fit to go?

369
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:30,500
Yes. Have a quick word with
the nurse and you can go home.

370
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,500
Right. Me.

371
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:45,500
I cannae believe you're getting oot.
I cannae believe you're no'.

372
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:47,500
Bloody bypass.

373
00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:53,500
So when are they saying? Wednesday.
Two o'clock in the afternoon. Right.

374
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,500
I've got a theory, you know.

375
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:56,500
What's that?

376
00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:59,500
One in, one out.

377
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:00,500
What are you talking about?

378
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:04,500
Well, Tam and Frances,
they've got a new baby.

379
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,500
That's a new life in Craiglang.

380
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:10,500
By my reckoning, that means some
old duffer's got tae check out.

381
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,500
Make space for it.

382
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,500
It's him up the stairs
making a balance.

383
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,500
Listen to yersel!

384
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,633
Ye're no giein' yersel
the best possible chance

385
00:21:19,658 --> 00:21:21,500
worryin' aboot garbage
like that, are ye?

386
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:23,500
Well, I'm worried, Victor.

387
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:27,500
Listen, Jack.

388
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:30,500
We've been through
a lot of stuff together.

389
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:32,500
A lot of hard shit in wur time.

390
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:37,500
But our time isnae done yet!

391
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:41,500
This is what the
Yankees call a curve ball.

392
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:48,500
And if he's throwing you one, you, Jack
Jarvis, you've got tae bat it oot the park.

393
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:49,500
Victor?

394
00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:52,500
Aye.
Where is it you get all that shite?

395
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:57,500
Aff all they crappy movies
they show in the afternoon.

396
00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:05,500
Wednesday, then.

397
00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:06,500
Wednesday.

398
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:19,500
Look,
will ye listen, Fiona, darling?

399
00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:22,500
Look, take a telling.
I don't want you here.

400
00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:24,500
No, there isnae any point...

401
00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:29,500
I hear what you're saying,
aye, but look,

402
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:32,500
I'll be doon and I'll be back on the ward
before you know what's happened.

403
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,500
Anyway, I've got Victor here.

404
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:40,500
I know that. Yeah, but I'm no' frightened,
so that's all that matters, in't it?.

405
00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:45,500
Well, you know me,
I'll no die in ma bloody bed!

406
00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:49,500
Right. As soon as I'm about masel
I'll gie ye a call.

407
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:53,500
Now listen, darling, I don't want
you worrying. Right?

408
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:56,500
OK.
Right, well, kiss the boys for me.

409
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,500
All right? OK.

410
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:01,500
I love you too...

411
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:05,500
Right ye are.
That's my money, I'll see you later.

412
00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:06,500
Alrighty. Bye.

413
00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,500
What yous all wanting?

414
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,500
Whisky.

415
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:25,500
I'll take a sherry, Tam.

416
00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:26,500
Gies a lager.

417
00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:34,500
Put your money
back in your pocket, Tam.

418
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:35,500
No.

419
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,500
Fiona!

420
00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:44,500
How you daein', darling?
Where's ma dad, Victor?

421
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:48,500
He's no gone in yet.
I didnae think you were coming.

422
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:50,500
Jack says he telt you no' tae come.

423
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:51,500
When did I ever listen
to ma dad, Victor?

424
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,500
Dad?

425
00:23:56,500 --> 00:23:58,500
Oh, Fiona.

426
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:01,500
I thought I told you to stay
at home? How you feeling?

427
00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:03,500
I'm just tired, darling.

428
00:24:05,500 --> 00:24:07,500
How long is the operation, Doctor?

429
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:09,500
I can't really say.
Generally it's fairly routine.

430
00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:13,132
But I'll not kid you on.
When the patient is this age,

431
00:24:13,157 --> 00:24:16,500
this procedure has a good
deal more risk involved.

432
00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:19,500
Now we're going to do our best
for him. But we really need to go.

433
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:30,500
Don't worry. Well, I AM worried.

434
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,500
He's my dad, he's old.

435
00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:45,500
MONITOR BEEPS

436
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:47,500
Shit... Quick!

437
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:24,500
Where the bloody hell are you going?

438
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:26,500
I'm going to Jean, Victor.

439
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,500
It's time. No it's no'.

440
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:35,500
Sorry darling, I kinda need him
for a wee bit longer.

441
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:38,500
Jack... Jack...

442
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:39,500
Oot the way, Victor.

443
00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:42,500
Naw. Get doon they stairs.

444
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:45,500
Ja-ack!

445
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:48,500
Back aff, ya spooky bitch!

446
00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:49,500
Come on. Shift yer arse.

447
00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:51,500
Quit shovin'.

448
00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:03,500
Fiona darling. Victor.

449
00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:07,500
Jackie boy! Good to see you again!
How you feelin', Dad?

450
00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:10,500
I was right there.

451
00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:13,500
That was something else, that was.

452
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:14,500
Where?

453
00:26:14,500 --> 00:26:16,500
Up there.

454
00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:20,500
Saw yer mother.

455
00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:23,500
Aye, she was beautiful.

456
00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:25,500
She was young,
just the way I remember her.

457
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,500
That's good, Dad.

458
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:31,500
He called her a spooky bitch.

459
00:26:31,500 --> 00:26:34,500
Eh? Did ye?
Indeed I did not! Aye, ye did!

460
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:37,500
As if I'd call her that! When was
this supposed to have happened?

461
00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:40,500
Up there.
I called your missus a spooky bitch?

462
00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:42,500
Aye, and then
you shoved me doon the stairs.

463
00:26:42,500 --> 00:26:44,500
You're out yer tits
on morphine, Jack.

464
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:16,500
So much choice.

465
00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:18,500
At 64, I'm Britain's oldest mum.

466
00:27:18,500 --> 00:27:21,500
And when you're that bit older,
you're that bit wiser.

467
00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:26,500
And that's why the obvious choice
for our baby... Tam Junior...

468
00:27:26,500 --> 00:27:30,500
...has to be First Taste
Original Organic Selection.

469
00:27:30,500 --> 00:27:34,500
First Taste -
still doing it after all these years.

470
00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:36,500
You old fox!

471
00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:39,500
And cut! Great.

472
00:27:40,500 --> 00:27:43,500
Well done, that was terrific.
Thank you very much.

473
00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:45,500
So, when do the new jars
hit the shelves, then?

474
00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:47,500
Oh, it'll be about three weeks.

475
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:50,500
About the same time the
advert's coming out. ...Excuse me.

476
00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:52,500
Hello? What's wrong?

477
00:27:52,500 --> 00:27:54,500
You got a paper? Paper?
Give me the paper.

478
00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:56,500
What page?

479
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:02,500
Oh, shit!

480
00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:04,500
Cut that.

481
00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:06,500
That's us out of here.
Come on, let's go.

482
00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,500
I'll do it for half a pence a jar!

483
00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:29,500
This is one of the most
fire-prone regions on earth.

484
00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:34,500
How far are we from the fire now?

485
00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:39,500
I can see the trees have been
completely scorched and blackened.

486
00:28:42,500 --> 00:28:45,500
I've just bought a piece of Amazon.

487
00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:48,500
Just on the other side of this hill.