It's a bloody sin they're shuttin' this place.
Aye. Ach, well, we've got mair tae annoy us. Christmas is comin' up.
Aye. What ye daein'? I'm just going to ma son's this year. Oh, lovely.
Nice to have you family roon' aboot ye. What about you?
Oh, I'll no' have time to think. Same auld thing.
Turkey dinner, then I hand that in to my neighbours, Jack and Victor.
Couple of old bloody rogues, they are!
# Gloria, Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis. #
'Scuse me.
Take five. Yes?
I'd like to try oot for the choir.
Er... We actually have a full compliment.
That's a shame. I love singin'.
I was told I've got the voice of an angel.
I'm sure you have, it's just that...
It's a community choir. I live in the community.
Yes, well... The thing is, we've a competition coming up.
Even if you'd come a couple of months ago...
Ye no' even want to hear me singing?
Right. Off you go.
# Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o... #
That's great. I'm sorry, we really have to get on.
Right...
# Hosanna in excelsis! #
Naw?
No.
One more time, from the middle verse.
One, two, three, and...
Oh, hello, Edith.
Hello, Isa.
What's the matter, hen?
I got a knock back fae the choir.
They don't want me.
Aw, that's a shame, i'nt it?
Are you goin' for the bus? Jack and Victor were lucky enough tae get in it.
Eh? I'm sayin' Jack and Victor are in the choir.
# Gloria, Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis
# Gloria, Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis. #
Jack and Victor, a couple of choirboys?!
They'll be gutted that you saw them.
And the first thing you do is come in here and tell me.
Och, don't flatter yoursel'! You're the 38th person I've telt!
Yer jokin'! I'm no'.
Isa saw them. Singing like budgies.
That's Christmas come early for me, Charlie.
I'll get straight doon the Clansman and spread the good word.
Here, are you off tae Blackpool again this year? Nah, that's aw up the spout.
I'm going in to hospital. Whit fur?
Arsehole. Piles.
It's like the hangin' gardens of Babylon back there.
Awf! This is the worst week, tae.
Christmas week. This is when I get ma turn, aw the goodies.
Oh, aye? Aff the weans? Aye.
This is a plum number. Look at the cars.
The parents of the weans here are aw loaded.
Last year, there.
Seven bottles of malt, and I couldnae even coont the tins of biscuits.
An' yer missin' oot on aw that? So what happens, do they just send somebody else?
Aye. Some lucky bastard, hoovering up MY goodwill.
What size o' coat is that ye've got on ye, Charlie?
Two whiskies, Boabby. Nae problem.
Nae wise cracks, Boabby? Wise cracks?
Aye, usually you've got something sarcastic to say. Aye, a quip.
Some remark? Nothing?
Nup.
Okey dokey, then.
Winston. Am I glad to see youse two!
Go ahead, knock yourself out. Right.
You know Charlie, the lollipop man?
Aye. He's had to go into hospital, and I'm taking over for a week!
And? Well, it's no' just any auld week, is it?
It's the week aw the posh weans give the gifts to the lollipop man.
Whisky and chocolates an' that! You know, for Christmas!
And you're getting aw that, ya jammy bastard?
Aye, well, I'm gonnae hauf it wi' Charlie.
That saves the council sendin' in some stranger tae scoop the lot!
Is that it? Aye. Is that no' enough for ye?
Aye.
Right. Well, I'll away an' play the puggy.
Looks as if Isa's kept her mooth shut.
It does, indeed.
I think we're in the clear.
BOABBY CLEARS HIS THROAT, NOTE PLAYS ON HARMONICA
# La, la, la, la, la, la
# La, la, la, la, la
# La, la, la, la, la, la, la
# Ya couple of auld po-o-o-o-o-ofters! #
# Thumpetty thump thump Thumpetty thump thump
# Over the hills of snow
# Over the hills of snow! #
We're gonnie gie Parkmill a run for their money this year! THEY CHEER
Ah, listen up! I don't want to dishearten you guys,
but that trophy we're after, it's by no means a done deal.
THEY ALL CHATTER Sshht!
Sshht! I've got a letter here.
Tonight is the last night we can use this place for practice.
Wait a minute, John. Surely we need more sessions before the competition!
ALL: Aye!
Ideally, yes, but no' here. They've discovered asbestos in the building.
ALL: Whit?!
They're saying January or February before we can get back in here.
So it's singin' in the bath till then.
We've got nowhere else to go. THEY ALL MURMUR
Naw. How no'?
Because it's manky! Naebody's been in that room for years!
Come on. Gie's a look at it.
DOOR CREAKS
See? It's nae use.
Ach, away and don't talk pish.
We'll get this place squared up in two minutes. Aye.
You're no' thinking straight, boy. 35 bodies, singin' their lungs oot.
Mad thirsty.
"35 drinks, please. Mmm. Oh, delicious.
"We'll have 35 more, because remember,
"we're mad thirsty because of aw the daft singin'."
"Now we'll have... Oh, 35 bags of crisps.
"Oh, that's us aw thirsty again. Will we stay for another?"
"Oh, I should think so.
"35 more drinks, please. And give us the change in pound coins
"cos we're desperate for a go on your fruit machine!"
I'll get youse a mop.
Excuse me, sir?
Yes, ma wee cherub?
Where's Charlie?
Oh, eh... Charlie's not well.
I'm helping out. What's your name?
Ma name is Mr Ingram. But you can call me Winston.
Could you give these to Charlie, Winston? Oh! A luxury Christmas selection.
I'll enjoy these. Er... I'll enjoy giving them to Charlie.
Can you put them in my message bag, son?
Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye!
HE LAUGHS The life o' a lollipop man.
Ye cannae lick it!
Where's Charlie? Message bag, son.
Ye working up a sweat, Jack? Aye, I am, aye.
Ye thirsty, aye? Aye, I am thirsty, aye.
Fancy a swig of this? Oh!
For Gods' sake! Don't show that tae Boabby.
He'll put a heid on it and try and sell it to somebody.
He's a dirty, manky, lazy bastard that Boabby, i'nt he, eh?
Aw this mess in here for aw these years and he just shuts the door on it.
I know. It's like a bloody time capsule.
Oh, ya bastard! Look at that!
God almighty! Is that a cat?
Naw, it's too big for a cat.
Is it a fox? Well, if it's a fox...
it's name's Sparky.
Didn't big Don Macmillan have a dug named Sparky?
So he did, aye. And that was years ago.
It went missin'.
It must've come in here, fell asleep and died.
Ach, that's a sin, he was really tore up about that.
He went doo-lally looking for it, sure. He's still no' right.
See if we see him? Let's no say, "Hey, Don! Good news, we found Sparky!"
HE LAUGHS Right you are!
Here, youse two. See when you're done pissin' aboot in 1987,
come through to the present and see what's going on.
Oh, right. Do all the boys in the choir wear marigolds, then(?)
Holy moly, what is this?
Las Vegas cash fountain.
Jackpot - £1,000. You only get them in the clubs.
That's right. Noo that I'm usin' that back room again, I AM a club.
Oh, sweet Nancy!
What treasure do you hide beneath your petticoat?
How many drinks do I have to buy you before you drop your drawers?
Look at your eyes. Aw sparkling and...
fresh, new...
unblemished...
Oh, yes...
You and I are gonnae get along...
just fine.
Behold. The puggy whisperer!
Tam. That's ma bitch.
And here's how it's gonnae work.
Yes. By all means, you gentlemen can flirt with her.
Treat her well. Flatter her.
But when youse are aw away hame and I'm locking up,
it will be ME that's pumping her.
Do you think?
Well, why don't we let the lady decide?
Are we still talking aboot this fruit machine?
An introduction.
A sweet rose from an able suitor.
HE HITS SWITCH, UPWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS
DOWNWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS
Not even a hold! Well, she's no a slapper, Tam.
She's no gonnae gie ye yer hole on the first night!
Oh! Oh, what have we now?
Oh! A hamper!
Full of Christmas goodies.
Aw, look at that. Brandy butter, foie gras, pickled walnuts.
Thank you very much, now!
Thank YOU very much, now!
Eh...can I help you?
Aye, you can help me. You can piss off and stand outside MA school.
Eh... Naw, I'm... I'm standing in for Charlie.
Oh, are you? Qualified lollipop man, eh? With the land services?
I am. Yes.
Awright then, who's the division manager?
Peter...
Stevenson.
Steve Peterson?
Davie... John... Rab.
Rab Mac-something. Close. Sanjay Prekumar.
Listen, you.
Every lollipop man in Glasgow wants Charlie's pitch.
The Beverly Hills Pitch, we call it.
So unless you're wanting grassed and for Charlie to lose his job,
the morra morning, you get yourself down to Parkmill secondary,
and I'LL be standing here.
Excuse me?
Oh... Oh! Mowit Shandin!
I love a drop of Shandin!
UPWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS
DOWNWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS Oh, come on!
That's it, Tam.
Fatten up ma Christmas goose.
Shut up!
So, whit school is it yer at noo?
Parkmill Secondary. Oh!
I went to Parkmill Secondary. Nightmare.
Even the janny carries a knife.
Well, I've got tae stay there tae Charlie comes back.
I've went fae Beverly Hills to Beirut in wan move!
Hello, hello, hello!
Beer? Crisps? Nuts?
I've got the lot! Thanking you.
Ladies, gentlemen, help yourselves.
Hey, Boabby? What do you think? You happy?
Deliriously so, Victor. You boys ready for a pint?
And are we paying for these pints? Don't be silly.
So it's double grape... Double grape... ...plum... ...plum...
...bell... ...bell... ...strawberry... ...strawberry... ...bell... ...bell...
And the third wheel...
What's gaun on here? Nothin'!
Just a couple of fellas playing the fruit machine. Nothing to see here.
What's wi' the notepad, Eric? Whit notepad?
The one you were scribblin' intae! Sshht!
Right, backroom. Now.
Oh, you look like you could dae wae a haun', Boabby.
Got a CV? Eh?
Who's your previous employers?
My rates are two sweet sherries an hour! You're hired.
Right! Oot ma way! 'Scuse me, darlin'.
When's yer contest? Friday. I think we've got a chance this year. Aw, aye?
Youse are sounding good. So what do you win? A cup.
Beautiful it is, too. If we pick it up, it'll be going up on your gantry.
I'm sure I can make space! Ye'll need to clear a space for the runners up.
Eh? Tradition. The second place finishers
always come to the winners' place for a drink.
So if we win, this place'll be mobbed!
Oh, Mammy-Daddy!
Mebbe it was the song.
Sorry? I think I've got that X-Factor your choir's missin'.
# Fro-o-o-o-osty the snowman
# He's a jolly happy soul... #
Thanks for everything, Boabby. Aw, don't thank me,
it was Jack and Victor's idea. Aye, they're good men, Jack and Victor.
Oh, aye.
I huv tae be be honest with ye...
there was a lot of cynical faces in here when they joined your choir.
But they're nice guys... Big hearts.
If youse are plannin' tae screw Boabby oot that jackpot, we want a piece of it!
Let's stick it to the bastard! We'll ruin his Christmas!
Whoa! What's with the "we"? It's me and him. We've 40 quid in it already!
We can weigh in! We'll put 40 quid in, call it a syndicate.
Naw, naw. I mean, wi' all due respect, gentlemen,
youse are hardly the Brains Trust, are ye?
Do ye no' think the people that make these machines are a wee bit smarter
than a couple of old duffers and a note pad?
Naw. Whit we need is know-how, technical know-how.
Aye. We need the ear of a man in the know.
SIGN CREAKS IN THE WIND
Are you the new lollipop man?
I am, yes.
CHILD LAUGHS EVILLY
THEY ALL SCREAM
Okey dokey.
This is what I reckon the inside of this bastard looks like.
Aw fruit machines are essentially the same.
Collection chutes, either four or six chambers
located here, depending on the model.
I believe that oor target is of the six chamber variety.
Mair complicated by the multi-chip motherboard,
so the topple point is variable until the excess hopper kicks in.
Can we huv that in English?
Well, puggy machines have got a pay oot point.
Generally running between 94 and 97% in the looser machines.
Thanks for cleaning that up(!) Oi!
Let the man speak. If we count every pound coin that goes in and comes oot,
I can calculate exactly when it's going to pay oot the jackpot.
How will we dae that? There's loads of people play that machine.
We'd need to be there the whole time. Boabby'll tipple.
Exactly. So, I suggest a relay team,
workin' in shifts. Wae these.
What are they?
Well, five pound coins go in,
five clicks on this yin.
Two pound coins come oot,
two clicks on this yin.
Easy.
THEY CHUCKLE WICKEDLY
Cheers.
There no' such a bad lot, ye know.
I was thinking that as I was being assaulted,
"These are good weans. Nice weans."
Bloody polis I should be phonin'. I've had a word wi' them. They're sorry.
Aye. So am I.
It's Christmas, for God's sake.
Yesterday I was countin' bottles of scotch ootside Willow Park Academy.
Willow Park? Great school. Great kids.
It's a bit different for them.
Aye, well. Well, see that boy there?
Mother and faither, baith junkies. Don't know the time o' day.
And see him there? His faither's in jail for murder.
See those kids at Willow Park? They have a great Christmas.
See these kids?
They don't know what Christmas is.
Page...two, bar...50.
OK, sshh, sshh! Right...
# ...And a happy new year!
# Good tidings we bring... #
# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy... #
Whit's that?
Whit's whit? That. In your paw.
Oh, whit, this? Oh, nothing.
It's a counter. I'm counting, eh...
I'm counting pies. Pies?
Aye. I've often wondered to maself,
"Ooh, pies! I wonder how many pies Boabby gets delivered in the morning?
"Is it 20? 40?"
You must think I'M a pie.
Naw! No' really. I've been watching you. And Eric. And Shug.
You're usin that wee doodad to count what's going in that machine.
You think you've some sort of chance of scooping ma jackpot, din't ye?
Oh, no, no, no. It's no' like that, Boabby.
Hand it over.
OK.
And I'll tell ye another thing. You're lucky I'm no' barring you.
ALARM RINGS ON PUGGY Aye, no' bad. Three quid.
See ye Wednesday, Boabby. Aye.
CLICKING
What we waiting on, mister?
Never you mind. Just you stand there.
Listen, thanks very much for this, Navid. Nae problem.
Bit of a shitehole this, eh? Ah! At-at-at!
Thank you.
Right, let's be havin' ye.
Merry Christmas. Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Ta.
Merry Christmas. Cheers.
Merry Christmas. Thanks.
I know what's gonnae happen.
What?
One of that choir's gonnae win the jackpot.
They're the wans that put the maist money in it.
Aye, right enough. We're just gonnae have to gi'e up.
That's Boabby got the clickers noo, so there's nae real way of knowing, is there?
Gonnae pipe doon, the lot of ye?
What was the figure on the money in clicker when Boabby took it?
Eh... 89 somethin'. That's close enough.
And the money oot clicker?
That's easy. 64.
64! Oh, it's a tight machine! Tight machine!
72 hours since we started.
Divide that by... Gives you...
22 quid. Say that's 6%...
What time is it noo?
Hauf twelve. Hauf twelve... Pub opens at 11 o'clock,
average coin in starts at 12 an hour, gaun up to 15 by tea-time...
Ah... Bingo!
Gi'es you the magic number.
1,300... 1,390.
Well, when the machine's taken that in, it'll spit the jackpot oot.
And if I'm right, and I'm rarely wrang, that's gonnae happen...
this very night. Between 6 and 6.30.
Oh, that's perfect! That's when the choir's aw in the back.
Aye, this is oor last chance at a rehearsal before the big contest!
Right. What we've got tae dae
is position ourselves roon' that machine for that half hoor.
Form a human shield roond it, sae naebody else can get near it, eh?
Right. 10 quid each.
Wh-Wh-Whit fur? The final kitty.
We'll huv tae put some of wur ain money in for the last lap.
Ta.
That's fantastic, Shug. Here, you should go to the casino.
Oh, no, no thanks.
See if they catch you card counting? There's nae arsing aboot.
CHOIR SINGS
I'm gaun in. Good luck.
God speed. Right...
# Glory God
# His righteousness
# And wonders of His love And wonders of His love
# And wonders And wonders of His love. #
Fabulous.
I'm sure you're all agreed we're all roasting. Ready for a drink?
THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT Oh, absolutely, aye! Keep them here. Go, go, go.
Just give it a couple of minutes before we go through, folks.
There's been a wee spillage. Boabby's just cleaning up.
ALL: Aw! I know. Just a couple of minutes, OK?
Whit's happenin'? Still nothin'! How much money have ye got left?
Eh... Eight quid.
How long's that gonnae last? No' long! Has anybody got any mair money?
Want a tenner? Aye.
They're comin' out! Naw, naw, they cannae come oot!
Keep them in there!
Whit's goin' on? Are we gettin' a drink or whit?
Eh...
Well, the thing is, em...
Well, we were thinkin'...
The competition's tomorrow.
And it's been great havin' you here at the Clansman,
and, er...do you no' think...
we should just sing the song one more time?
No. We're as good as we're gonnae get. C'mon, it's roasting in here!
I still think it's a bit...shit.
Eh? The song.
It's still a bit shit, innit? Eh...I mean...
Wan mair go wouldnae kill us, would it?
It's sweltering in here. Let us out for a pint!
Eh... There's a cold air thing. So there is! Aye, I'll switch that on.
Boabby! Haud yer horses!
Yes? Could ye gie us change for the puggy?
Naw.
How much have you got left?
A pound.
Nothin'.
Has anyone got change o' a tenner?
LOUD EXPLOSION, CREAKING
GROANING
COUGHING
Is that everybody oot, Boabby?
Aye, I think so. Just gi'e it a few minutes tae settle.
Hello?
Anybody there?
Hullo-o-o!
ALARM, FANFARE PLAYS
Jackpot!
Oh, Jeez!
That's Donald and Ricky oot the game an' aw. That's 26 call-offs.
Voices shot tae hell wi' the dust. How's your voice doing, David?
CROAKY: It's no' bad. I should be OK.
Just away hame, Davie.
Same for all of youse. It's finished. We'll try again next year. It's humped.
Ah, now...
Not necessarily.
One, two, three, four.
# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
# Lollipop lollipop!
# Ba-bum bum bum
# Call my baby lollipop
# Tell you why
# Her kiss is sweeter Than an apple pie
# And when she does Her shaky rockin' dance
# Man, I haven't got a chance
# I call her
# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
# Lollipop lollipop!
# Ba-bum bum bum
# Sweeter than candy on a stick
# Huckleberry cherry or lime... #
APPLAUSE
Can I get five pound coins for the fruit machine please, Boabby? Nae bother.
So. For the Easter recital,
you'll get two key numbers and you'll be the lead on five more.
And you'll be front and centre the whole time. How's that?
Great!