1
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,120
It's a bloody sin
they're shuttin' this place.

2
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:43,920
Aye. Ach, well, we've got mair tae
annoy us. Christmas is comin' up.

3
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:47,880
Aye. What ye daein'? I'm just going
to ma son's this year. Oh, lovely.

4
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,000
Nice to have you family
roon' aboot ye. What about you?

5
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,520
Oh, I'll no' have time to think.
Same auld thing.

6
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:58,080
Turkey dinner, then I hand that in
to my neighbours, Jack and Victor.

7
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,400
Couple of old bloody
rogues, they are!

8
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:04,240
# Gloria, Gloria

9
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:07,960
# Gloria, Gloria

10
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,880
# Gloria, Gloria

11
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:15,120
# Hosanna in excelsis. #

12
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,600
'Scuse me.

13
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,680
Take five. Yes?

14
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,680
I'd like to try oot for the choir.

15
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,960
Er... We actually have
a full compliment.

16
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,120
That's a shame. I love singin'.

17
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,920
I was told
I've got the voice of an angel.

18
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,800
I'm sure you have, it's just that...

19
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,520
It's a community choir.
I live in the community.

20
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,600
Yes, well... The thing is,
we've a competition coming up.

21
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,920
Even if you'd come
a couple of months ago...

22
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,000
Ye no' even want to hear me singing?

23
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,440
Right. Off you go.

24
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:49,400
# Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o... #

25
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,080
That's great. I'm sorry,
we really have to get on.

26
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,960
Right...

27
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,720
# Hosanna in excelsis! #

28
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,000
Naw?

29
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,520
No.

30
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,080
One more time, from the middle verse.

31
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,520
One, two, three, and...

32
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,520
Oh, hello, Edith.

33
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,120
Hello, Isa.

34
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,680
What's the matter, hen?

35
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,720
I got a knock back fae the choir.

36
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,440
They don't want me.

37
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,040
Aw, that's a shame, i'nt it?

38
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:26,840
Are you goin' for the bus? Jack and
Victor were lucky enough tae get in it.

39
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,720
Eh? I'm sayin'
Jack and Victor are in the choir.

40
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,000
# Gloria, Gloria

41
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,480
# Hosanna in excelsis

42
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,640
# Gloria, Gloria

43
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,800
# Gloria, Gloria

44
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,200
# Gloria, Gloria

45
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:54,680
# Hosanna in excelsis. #

46
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,640
Jack and Victor,
a couple of choirboys?!

47
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,560
They'll be gutted that you saw them.

48
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,440
And the first thing you do
is come in here and tell me.

49
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,920
Och, don't flatter yoursel'!
You're the 38th person I've telt!

50
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:12,080
Yer jokin'! I'm no'.

51
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,320
Isa saw them.
Singing like budgies.

52
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,720
That's Christmas come
early for me, Charlie.

53
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,920
I'll get straight doon the Clansman
and spread the good word.

54
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:24,400
Here, are you off tae Blackpool again
this year? Nah, that's aw up the spout.

55
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,760
I'm going in to hospital. Whit fur?

56
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,520
Arsehole. Piles.

57
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,360
It's like the hangin' gardens
of Babylon back there.

58
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,240
Awf! This is the worst week, tae.

59
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,800
Christmas week. This is when
I get ma turn, aw the goodies.

60
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,160
Oh, aye? Aff the weans? Aye.

61
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,960
This is a plum number.
Look at the cars.

62
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:47,640
The parents of the weans here
are aw loaded.

63
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,400
Last year, there.

64
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:53,120
Seven bottles of malt, and I couldnae
even coont the tins of biscuits.

65
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:57,880
An' yer missin' oot on aw that? So what
happens, do they just send somebody else?

66
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,680
Aye. Some lucky bastard,
hoovering up MY goodwill.

67
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,160
What size o' coat is that
ye've got on ye, Charlie?

68
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,960
Two whiskies, Boabby. Nae problem.

69
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,040
Nae wise cracks, Boabby?
Wise cracks?

70
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,560
Aye, usually you've got something
sarcastic to say. Aye, a quip.

71
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,840
Some remark? Nothing?

72
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,800
Nup.

73
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,400
Okey dokey, then.

74
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,760
Winston. Am I glad to see youse two!

75
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,440
Go ahead, knock yourself out. Right.

76
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,720
You know Charlie, the lollipop man?

77
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:44,400
Aye. He's had to go into hospital,
and I'm taking over for a week!

78
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,200
And? Well, it's no' just
any auld week, is it?

79
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:52,360
It's the week aw the posh weans
give the gifts to the lollipop man.

80
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,360
Whisky and chocolates an' that!
You know, for Christmas!

81
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,880
And you're getting aw that,
ya jammy bastard?

82
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,120
Aye, well, I'm gonnae hauf it
wi' Charlie.

83
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:04,600
That saves the council sendin' in
some stranger tae scoop the lot!

84
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,600
Is that it?
Aye. Is that no' enough for ye?

85
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,720
Aye.

86
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,960
Right. Well, I'll away
an' play the puggy.

87
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,680
Looks as if Isa's
kept her mooth shut.

88
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,760
It does, indeed.

89
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,840
I think we're in the clear.

90
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,160
BOABBY CLEARS HIS THROAT,
NOTE PLAYS ON HARMONICA

91
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,240
# La, la, la, la, la, la

92
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,920
# La, la, la, la, la

93
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,040
# La, la, la, la, la, la, la

94
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,680
# Ya couple of auld
po-o-o-o-o-ofters! #

95
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,480
# Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump

96
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,960
# Over the hills of snow

97
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:52,960
# Over the hills of snow! #

98
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,440
We're gonnie gie Parkmill a run for
their money this year! THEY CHEER

99
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,240
Ah, listen up!
I don't want to dishearten you guys,

100
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,200
but that trophy we're after,
it's by no means a done deal.

101
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,800
THEY ALL CHATTER
Sshht!

102
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,600
Sshht! I've got a letter here.

103
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,720
Tonight is the last night
we can use this place for practice.

104
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,520
Wait a minute, John. Surely we need
more sessions before the competition!

105
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,640
ALL: Aye!

106
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:21,880
Ideally, yes, but no' here. They've
discovered asbestos in the building.

107
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,040
ALL: Whit?!

108
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,920
They're saying January or February
before we can get back in here.

109
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:30,800
So it's singin' in the bath
till then.

110
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,400
We've got nowhere else to go.
THEY ALL MURMUR

111
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,640
Naw. How no'?

112
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,720
Because it's manky! Naebody's
been in that room for years!

113
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,440
Come on. Gie's a look at it.

114
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,720
DOOR CREAKS

115
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,200
See? It's nae use.

116
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,120
Ach, away and don't talk pish.

117
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,560
We'll get this place squared up
in two minutes. Aye.

118
00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:02,400
You're no' thinking straight, boy.
35 bodies, singin' their lungs oot.

119
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,920
Mad thirsty.

120
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:08,040
"35 drinks, please.
Mmm. Oh, delicious.

121
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,480
"We'll have 35 more,
because remember,

122
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,200
"we're mad thirsty
because of aw the daft singin'."

123
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,680
"Now we'll have...
Oh, 35 bags of crisps.

124
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:20,560
"Oh, that's us aw thirsty again.
Will we stay for another?"

125
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,360
"Oh, I should think so.

126
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,560
"35 more drinks, please. And
give us the change in pound coins

127
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,760
"cos we're desperate
for a go on your fruit machine!"

128
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,360
I'll get youse a mop.

129
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,000
Excuse me, sir?

130
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,960
Yes, ma wee cherub?

131
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,800
Where's Charlie?

132
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,960
Oh, eh... Charlie's not well.

133
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,280
I'm helping out. What's your name?

134
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,040
Ma name is Mr Ingram.
But you can call me Winston.

135
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:57,880
Could you give these to Charlie, Winston?
Oh! A luxury Christmas selection.

136
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,560
I'll enjoy these. Er...
I'll enjoy giving them to Charlie.

137
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,840
Can you put them
in my message bag, son?

138
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,200
Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye!

139
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,680
HE LAUGHS
The life o' a lollipop man.

140
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,520
Ye cannae lick it!

141
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,080
Where's Charlie? Message bag, son.

142
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,920
Ye working up a sweat, Jack?
Aye, I am, aye.

143
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,920
Ye thirsty, aye?
Aye, I am thirsty, aye.

144
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,360
Fancy a swig of this? Oh!

145
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,760
For Gods' sake!
Don't show that tae Boabby.

146
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,480
He'll put a heid on it
and try and sell it to somebody.

147
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:42,920
He's a dirty, manky, lazy bastard
that Boabby, i'nt he, eh?

148
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,520
Aw this mess in here for aw these years
and he just shuts the door on it.

149
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,920
I know.
It's like a bloody time capsule.

150
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,600
Oh, ya bastard! Look at that!

151
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,920
God almighty! Is that a cat?

152
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,360
Naw, it's too big for a cat.

153
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,360
Is it a fox? Well, if it's a fox...

154
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,840
it's name's Sparky.

155
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:16,080
Didn't big Don Macmillan
have a dug named Sparky?

156
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,800
So he did, aye.
And that was years ago.

157
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,800
It went missin'.

158
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,760
It must've come in here,
fell asleep and died.

159
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,400
Ach, that's a sin,
he was really tore up about that.

160
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,720
He went doo-lally looking for it,
sure. He's still no' right.

161
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,680
See if we see him? Let's no say, "Hey,
Don! Good news, we found Sparky!"

162
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,120
HE LAUGHS
Right you are!

163
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,280
Here, youse two. See when
you're done pissin' aboot in 1987,

164
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,440
come through to the present
and see what's going on.

165
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,720
Oh, right. Do all the boys in
the choir wear marigolds, then(?)

166
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,680
Holy moly, what is this?

167
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,880
Las Vegas cash fountain.

168
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:03,880
Jackpot - £1,000.
You only get them in the clubs.

169
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:08,120
That's right. Noo that I'm usin'
that back room again, I AM a club.

170
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,520
Oh, sweet Nancy!

171
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,280
What treasure do you hide
beneath your petticoat?

172
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,600
How many drinks do I have to buy you
before you drop your drawers?

173
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,760
Look at your eyes.
Aw sparkling and...

174
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,640
fresh, new...

175
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,960
unblemished...

176
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,760
Oh, yes...

177
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,160
You and I are gonnae get along...

178
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,040
just fine.

179
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,600
Behold. The puggy whisperer!

180
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,480
Tam. That's ma bitch.

181
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,360
And here's how it's gonnae work.

182
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:47,280
Yes. By all means,
you gentlemen can flirt with her.

183
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,320
Treat her well. Flatter her.

184
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,000
But when youse are aw away hame
and I'm locking up,

185
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,960
it will be ME that's pumping her.

186
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,760
Do you think?

187
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,077
Well, why don't we
let the lady decide?

188
00:11:00,102 --> 00:11:02,824
Are we still talking aboot
this fruit machine?

189
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,160
An introduction.

190
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,760
A sweet rose from an able suitor.

191
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,840
HE HITS SWITCH,
UPWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS

192
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,000
DOWNWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS

193
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,440
Not even a hold!
Well, she's no a slapper, Tam.

194
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,120
She's no gonnae gie ye
yer hole on the first night!

195
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,520
Oh! Oh, what have we now?

196
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,600
Oh! A hamper!

197
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,360
Full of Christmas goodies.

198
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:45,600
Aw, look at that. Brandy butter,
foie gras, pickled walnuts.

199
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,800
Thank you very much, now!

200
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,760
Thank YOU very much, now!

201
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,600
Eh...can I help you?

202
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,240
Aye, you can help me. You can piss
off and stand outside MA school.

203
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,800
Eh... Naw, I'm...
I'm standing in for Charlie.

204
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:06,400
Oh, are you? Qualified lollipop
man, eh? With the land services?

205
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,480
I am. Yes.

206
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,440
Awright then,
who's the division manager?

207
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,000
Peter...

208
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,920
Stevenson.

209
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,440
Steve Peterson?

210
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,520
Davie... John... Rab.

211
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,880
Rab Mac-something.
Close. Sanjay Prekumar.

212
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,520
Listen, you.

213
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,640
Every lollipop man in Glasgow
wants Charlie's pitch.

214
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,600
The Beverly Hills Pitch, we call it.

215
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,280
So unless you're wanting grassed
and for Charlie to lose his job,

216
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,640
the morra morning, you get
yourself down to Parkmill secondary,

217
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,320
and I'LL be standing here.

218
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,200
Excuse me?

219
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:48,120
Oh... Oh! Mowit Shandin!

220
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,080
I love a drop of Shandin!

221
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,720
UPWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS

222
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,600
DOWNWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS
Oh, come on!

223
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:02,880
That's it, Tam.

224
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,440
Fatten up ma Christmas goose.

225
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,360
Shut up!

226
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,280
So, whit school is it yer at noo?

227
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,880
Parkmill Secondary. Oh!

228
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,640
I went to Parkmill Secondary.
Nightmare.

229
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,160
Even the janny carries a knife.

230
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,280
Well, I've got tae stay there
tae Charlie comes back.

231
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,200
I've went fae Beverly Hills
to Beirut in wan move!

232
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,920
Hello, hello, hello!

233
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,880
Beer? Crisps? Nuts?

234
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,320
I've got the lot! Thanking you.

235
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,880
Ladies, gentlemen, help yourselves.

236
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:38,280
Hey, Boabby?
What do you think? You happy?

237
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,920
Deliriously so, Victor.
You boys ready for a pint?

238
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,560
And are we paying for these pints?
Don't be silly.

239
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:53,440
So it's double grape... Double
grape... ...plum... ...plum...

240
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,480
...bell... ...bell... ...strawberry...
...strawberry... ...bell... ...bell...

241
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,240
And the third wheel...

242
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,440
What's gaun on here? Nothin'!

243
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:05,120
Just a couple of fellas playing the
fruit machine. Nothing to see here.

244
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:08,840
What's wi' the notepad,
Eric? Whit notepad?

245
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,320
The one you were
scribblin' intae! Sshht!

246
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,680
Right, backroom. Now.

247
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,080
Oh, you look like you could
dae wae a haun', Boabby.

248
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,960
Got a CV? Eh?

249
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,840
Who's your previous employers?

250
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:25,640
My rates are two sweet sherries
an hour! You're hired.

251
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,880
Right! Oot ma way!
'Scuse me, darlin'.

252
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:35,160
When's yer contest? Friday. I think
we've got a chance this year. Aw, aye?

253
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:39,080
Youse are sounding good.
So what do you win? A cup.

254
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,760
Beautiful it is, too. If we pick it up,
it'll be going up on your gantry.

255
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:46,440
I'm sure I can make space! Ye'll need
to clear a space for the runners up.

256
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,800
Eh? Tradition. The
second place finishers

257
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:51,420
always come to the winners'
place for a drink.

258
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,600
So if we win,
this place'll be mobbed!

259
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,840
Oh, Mammy-Daddy!

260
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,480
Mebbe it was the song.

261
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:06,200
Sorry? I think I've got that
X-Factor your choir's missin'.

262
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:10,400
# Fro-o-o-o-osty the snowman

263
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,400
# He's a jolly happy soul... #

264
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,440
Thanks for everything, Boabby.
Aw, don't thank me,

265
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:21,040
it was Jack and Victor's idea. Aye,
they're good men, Jack and Victor.

266
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,040
Oh, aye.

267
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,080
I huv tae be be honest with ye...

268
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,640
there was a lot of cynical faces in
here when they joined your choir.

269
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:35,520
But they're nice guys...
Big hearts.

270
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:39,480
If youse are plannin' tae screw Boabby
oot that jackpot, we want a piece of it!

271
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,440
Let's stick it to the bastard!
We'll ruin his Christmas!

272
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,040
Whoa! What's with the "we"? It's me
and him. We've 40 quid in it already!

273
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,000
We can weigh in! We'll put
40 quid in, call it a syndicate.

274
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,600
Naw, naw. I mean,
wi' all due respect, gentlemen,

275
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,760
youse are hardly
the Brains Trust, are ye?

276
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,480
Do ye no' think the people that make
these machines are a wee bit smarter

277
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,720
than a couple of
old duffers and a note pad?

278
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,880
Naw. Whit we need is know-how,
technical know-how.

279
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:07,400
Aye. We need the ear
of a man in the know.

280
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,640
SIGN CREAKS IN THE WIND

281
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,480
Are you the new lollipop man?

282
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,560
I am, yes.

283
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,360
CHILD LAUGHS EVILLY

284
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,000
THEY ALL SCREAM

285
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,160
Okey dokey.

286
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,160
This is what I reckon the inside
of this bastard looks like.

287
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,480
Aw fruit machines
are essentially the same.

288
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,444
Collection chutes, either
four or six chambers

289
00:16:52,449 --> 00:16:54,820
located here, depending
on the model.

290
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,760
I believe that oor target
is of the six chamber variety.

291
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,960
Mair complicated
by the multi-chip motherboard,

292
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:06,640
so the topple point is variable
until the excess hopper kicks in.

293
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,920
Can we huv that in English?

294
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,320
Well, puggy machines
have got a pay oot point.

295
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:16,560
Generally running between 94 and 97%
in the looser machines.

296
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,120
Thanks for cleaning that up(!) Oi!

297
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:23,720
Let the man speak. If we count every
pound coin that goes in and comes oot,

298
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:28,200
I can calculate exactly when
it's going to pay oot the jackpot.

299
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,520
How will we dae that? There's
loads of people play that machine.

300
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,480
We'd need to be there the whole time.
Boabby'll tipple.

301
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,560
Exactly. So, I suggest a relay team,

302
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,120
workin' in shifts. Wae these.

303
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,160
What are they?

304
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,600
Well, five pound coins go in,

305
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,400
five clicks on this yin.

306
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,280
Two pound coins come oot,

307
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,360
two clicks on this yin.

308
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,920
Easy.

309
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,080
THEY CHUCKLE WICKEDLY

310
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:02,720
Cheers.

311
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,440
There no' such a bad lot, ye know.

312
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,800
I was thinking that
as I was being assaulted,

313
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,720
"These are good weans. Nice weans."

314
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:17,480
Bloody polis I should be phonin'. I've
had a word wi' them. They're sorry.

315
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,640
Aye. So am I.

316
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,680
It's Christmas, for God's sake.

317
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,480
Yesterday I was countin' bottles of
scotch ootside Willow Park Academy.

318
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,320
Willow Park?
Great school. Great kids.

319
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,160
It's a bit different for them.

320
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,880
Aye, well. Well, see that boy there?

321
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,200
Mother and faither, baith junkies.
Don't know the time o' day.

322
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,480
And see him there?
His faither's in jail for murder.

323
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,840
See those kids at Willow Park?
They have a great Christmas.

324
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,160
See these kids?

325
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,960
They don't know what Christmas is.

326
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,320
Page...two, bar...50.

327
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,120
OK, sshh, sshh! Right...

328
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,520
# ...And a happy new year!

329
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,160
# Good tidings we bring... #

330
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:16,320
# We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy... #

331
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,360
Whit's that?

332
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:01,000
Whit's whit? That. In your paw.

333
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,160
Oh, whit, this? Oh, nothing.

334
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,720
It's a counter. I'm counting, eh...

335
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,080
I'm counting pies. Pies?

336
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,480
Aye. I've often wondered to maself,

337
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,320
"Ooh, pies! I wonder how many pies
Boabby gets delivered in the morning?

338
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,840
"Is it 20? 40?"

339
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,400
You must think I'M a pie.

340
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:25,960
Naw! No' really. I've been
watching you. And Eric. And Shug.

341
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:29,400
You're usin that wee doodad to count
what's going in that machine.

342
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,200
You think you've some sort of chance
of scooping ma jackpot, din't ye?

343
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,480
Oh, no, no, no.
It's no' like that, Boabby.

344
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,000
Hand it over.

345
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,880
OK.

346
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:45,280
And I'll tell ye another thing.
You're lucky I'm no' barring you.

347
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,880
ALARM RINGS ON PUGGY
Aye, no' bad. Three quid.

348
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,520
See ye Wednesday, Boabby. Aye.

349
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,200
CLICKING

350
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,360
What we waiting on, mister?

351
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,600
Never you mind. Just you stand there.

352
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:09,160
Listen, thanks very much for this,
Navid. Nae problem.

353
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,280
Bit of a shitehole this,
eh? Ah! At-at-at!

354
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,800
Thank you.

355
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,840
Right, let's be havin' ye.

356
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,280
Merry Christmas. Thank you.

357
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:26,800
Merry Christmas. Ta.

358
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,360
Merry Christmas. Cheers.

359
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:29,760
Merry Christmas. Thanks.

360
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,200
I know what's gonnae happen.

361
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,800
What?

362
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,320
One of that choir's
gonnae win the jackpot.

363
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,800
They're the wans
that put the maist money in it.

364
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:43,160
Aye, right enough.
We're just gonnae have to gi'e up.

365
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:47,360
That's Boabby got the clickers noo, so
there's nae real way of knowing, is there?

366
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,040
Gonnae pipe doon, the lot of ye?

367
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,480
What was the figure on the money
in clicker when Boabby took it?

368
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,520
Eh... 89 somethin'.
That's close enough.

369
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,120
And the money oot clicker?

370
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,840
That's easy. 64.

371
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:03,520
64! Oh, it's a tight machine!
Tight machine!

372
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,160
72 hours since we started.

373
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,320
Divide that by... Gives you...

374
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,120
22 quid. Say that's 6%...

375
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,880
What time is it noo?

376
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:15,760
Hauf twelve. Hauf twelve...
Pub opens at 11 o'clock,

377
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:21,120
average coin in starts at 12 an
hour, gaun up to 15 by tea-time...

378
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,360
Ah... Bingo!

379
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:26,040
Gi'es you the magic number.

380
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,560
1,300... 1,390.

381
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:34,160
Well, when the machine's taken that
in, it'll spit the jackpot oot.

382
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:39,680
And if I'm right, and I'm rarely
wrang, that's gonnae happen...

383
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,080
this very night. Between 6 and 6.30.

384
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:47,280
Oh, that's perfect! That's when
the choir's aw in the back.

385
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,640
Aye, this is oor last chance at a
rehearsal before the big contest!

386
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,166
Right. What we've got tae dae

387
00:22:52,191 --> 00:22:55,320
is position ourselves roon' that
machine for that half hoor.

388
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,680
Form a human shield roond it, sae
naebody else can get near it, eh?

389
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,160
Right. 10 quid each.

390
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,080
Wh-Wh-Whit fur? The final kitty.

391
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,040
We'll huv tae put some of wur
ain money in for the last lap.

392
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,720
Ta.

393
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,880
That's fantastic, Shug. Here,
you should go to the casino.

394
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,520
Oh, no, no thanks.

395
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,960
See if they catch you card counting?
There's nae arsing aboot.

396
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,280
CHOIR SINGS

397
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,880
I'm gaun in. Good luck.

398
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,640
God speed. Right...

399
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,480
# Glory God

400
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,400
# His righteousness

401
00:23:55,400 --> 00:24:00,240
# And wonders of His love
And wonders of His love

402
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:06,720
# And wonders
And wonders of His love. #

403
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:09,360
Fabulous.

404
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,720
I'm sure you're all agreed we're all
roasting. Ready for a drink?

405
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:16,600
THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT Oh, absolutely,
aye! Keep them here. Go, go, go.

406
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,680
Just give it a couple of minutes
before we go through, folks.

407
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,680
There's been a wee spillage.
Boabby's just cleaning up.

408
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,160
ALL: Aw! I know. Just
a couple of minutes, OK?

409
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,240
Whit's happenin'? Still nothin'!
How much money have ye got left?

410
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,560
Eh... Eight quid.

411
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,760
How long's that gonnae last? No' long!
Has anybody got any mair money?

412
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:38,440
Want a tenner? Aye.

413
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,600
They're comin' out!
Naw, naw, they cannae come oot!

414
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,760
Keep them in there!

415
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,320
Whit's goin' on?
Are we gettin' a drink or whit?

416
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,600
Eh...

417
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,520
Well, the thing is, em...

418
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,280
Well, we were thinkin'...

419
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,200
The competition's tomorrow.

420
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:01,000
And it's been great
havin' you here at the Clansman,

421
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,440
and, er...do you no' think...

422
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,960
we should just
sing the song one more time?

423
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,560
No. We're as good as we're gonnae
get. C'mon, it's roasting in here!

424
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,320
I still think it's a bit...shit.

425
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,080
Eh? The song.

426
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,920
It's still a bit shit,
innit? Eh...I mean...

427
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,000
Wan mair go wouldnae
kill us, would it?

428
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,400
It's sweltering in here.
Let us out for a pint!

429
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,960
Eh... There's a cold air thing.
So there is! Aye, I'll switch that on.

430
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,960
Boabby! Haud yer horses!

431
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,440
Yes? Could ye gie us
change for the puggy?

432
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:47,560
Naw.

433
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:54,560
How much have you got left?

434
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:00,520
A pound.

435
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,760
Nothin'.

436
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,000
Has anyone got change o' a tenner?

437
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,160
LOUD EXPLOSION, CREAKING

438
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,440
GROANING

439
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,120
COUGHING

440
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,160
Is that everybody oot, Boabby?

441
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,040
Aye, I think so. Just gi'e it
a few minutes tae settle.

442
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,240
Hello?

443
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,320
Anybody there?

444
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,000
Hullo-o-o!

445
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,120
ALARM, FANFARE PLAYS

446
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:55,640
Jackpot!

447
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,320
Oh, Jeez!

448
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:11,840
That's Donald and Ricky oot the
game an' aw. That's 26 call-offs.

449
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,440
Voices shot tae hell wi' the dust.
How's your voice doing, David?

450
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,120
CROAKY: It's no' bad.
I should be OK.

451
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:20,560
Just away hame, Davie.

452
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,680
Same for all of youse. It's finished.
We'll try again next year. It's humped.

453
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,280
Ah, now...

454
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,720
Not necessarily.

455
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,560
One, two, three, four.

456
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,320
# Lollipop lollipop
Ooh lolly lolly lolly

457
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:38,080
# Lollipop lollipop
Ooh lolly lolly lolly

458
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,560
# Lollipop lollipop
Ooh lolly lolly lolly

459
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,640
# Lollipop lollipop!

460
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,200
# Ba-bum bum bum

461
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:47,120
# Call my baby lollipop

462
00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:48,680
# Tell you why

463
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:52,560
# Her kiss is sweeter
Than an apple pie

464
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:56,000
# And when she does
Her shaky rockin' dance

465
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,240
# Man, I haven't got a chance

466
00:27:58,240 --> 00:27:59,800
# I call her

467
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:03,480
 # Lollipop lollipop
Ooh lolly lolly lolly

468
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:07,200
# Lollipop lollipop
Ooh lolly lolly lolly

469
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,760
# Lollipop lollipop
Ooh lolly lolly lolly

470
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,760
# Lollipop lollipop!

471
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,200
# Ba-bum bum bum

472
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:18,000
# Sweeter than candy on a stick

473
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,640
# Huckleberry cherry or lime... #

474
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,520
APPLAUSE

475
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,760
Can I get five pound coins for the fruit
machine please, Boabby? Nae bother.

476
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:40,320
So. For the Easter recital,

477
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,520
you'll get two key numbers and
you'll be the lead on five more.

478
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,520
And you'll be front and
centre the whole time. How's that?

479
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,840
Great!