KNOCK ON DOOR
HE GIGGLES
It's open. Clockwork.
VICTOR WHISTLES
Top of the morning, Jack boy. Aye, morning, Victor.
A wee bit nippy out there. Is it? Aye.
What's happening? "What's happening?"
Oh, give us a chance, Jack, I've no' looked at the paper yet.
No, the other paper. My paper to read.
Oh, I just got the one.
That's no' how it works.
One of us does the rolls, the Penguins and the teas, and the
other one jumps down to the shop, gets two different newspapers,
we read them, then we swap them. Aye, but the two papers
had the same headline, they put the cost of the papers up...
One will do us, eh?
I'll read this, then I'll give it to you.
Jeezo, didn't see that coming.
Ooft.
That's a surprise.
HE GASPS He's no' dead, is he?
Let me get this straight.
You get to sit there and get the news first-hand,
while I've to sit here with no news, like a daftie?
Completely oot of the loop.
A caveman, a Cro-Magnon.
Put the telly on or something.
Of course, they didn't have telly back in Cro-Magnon times, did they?
Make a fire or whatever it is you people dae.
Do you want the paper?
No. Just give me that wee magazine they always stick in the middle.
I like that.
HE IMITATES A CAVEMAN: Magazine, gift.
Good pictures.
I will fashion a spear and stick it up your arse.
HE IMITATES A CAVEMAN: Make eyes water.
Ah, the Futuroo magazine, I love this.
Full of clever stuff that you can only buy in the shops.
Oh, a thermal cup.
"Keep your cuppa piping hot."
I don't see the benefit of that, Jack.
Oh, well, make a cup of tea, you go to get a biscuit,
you fall, you snap your leg.
You're up the hospital, lying on a gurney.
Four hours - ignored.
So then you're back doon the road again, gasping for a cup of tea,
greetin' with the pain. Tea, tea, tea!
And then you're like that, "Oh, hello!"
Roasting hot cup of tea on the sideboard, just where I left it.
Oh, that is a handy thing, aye.
Bad fracture, nice hot cup of tea.
Oh, it's the shite you get as well.
Oh, dear. The Eggmaster 3000.
This is aimed at the wankers, aye.
You put eggs in it at night before you go to bed.
Uh-huh? And when you wake up in the morning,
they're boiled, ready for you.
If you order it before the end of the month,
you qualify for a toasty soldier companion.
Gee us a look at that, Jack.
No. I'll read it first and then I'll gee it to you.
Eggmaster 3000.
What sort of windae licker would stump up the cash for that, eh?
Yes, the Eggmaster 3000, please.
Am I still eligible for the toasty soldier companion?
You dancing bear!
No, that's great. Thanking you.
Would I like expedited delivery?
Um, what does expedited mean?
Quicker?
Oh, aye, hen.
Aye, gee us that. Cheerio now.
DOORBELL RINGS
Good service.
Registered letter.
Is that your signature, aye?
Yes. Same as it's always been.
Yingamee-yingam-yingam!
Oh, dear.
Better get the hoover out.
# You and me are always meant to be. #
Isa. You know, I never give you anything.
How do you mean, Navid?
Eh?
Eh? A mop?!
Not just any mop.
I've got you something from the Futuroo catalogue.
This is the Floor Hero.
I'm no' needing that, Navid.
I like my string mop.
Oh, come on, Isa.
This looks like it's had chemo.
And anyway, the Floor Hero gives you Bluetooth.
Bluetooth?
It's normally just Dettol I use.
Dear, oh, dear, Isa.
Bluetooth gives you wireless music.
Wireless? And it makes your mopping a whole lot easier,
because music makes a chore pass much quicker.
SHE SIGHS
BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS
Oh!
It's got a lovely fast action!
Ooh-hoo! DOORBELL RINGS
SHE SHOUTS: Hello, Winston. Navid bought me these as a present!
It's actually a present for all of us.
Eh?
Ah!
Earmuffs for a nosy cow.
Jack and Victor have went aff their nut
and jumped aff the high flats!
THEY LAUGH
SHE SHOUTS: When's your house guest visiting? Oh!
What?
MUSIC STOPS
Well...
..big tin of soup, instead of a small tin...
full loaf, when you normally get a wee one.
Oh, a dozen eggs, no' six,
and quilted toilet roll.
You usually buy the cheap stuff that you put your fingers through.
You've got a house guest visiting.
I'm asking when.
Scary. See you, Isa...
..you should grow a moustache.
Well, a thicker one.
And get it all waxed up at the ends, eh?
Get yourself a job mopping up on the Orient Express,
you nosy bastard, you!
Spider catcher.
19.99.
Not a chance.
Boom! Batter it with a slipper.
20 quid saved.
This is aimed at pensioners.
"That'll make my meaningless life easier!"
"Oh, this'll keep me out the grave for another 15 minutes."
Look at this.
An electric bonnet.
"Outsmart Jack Frost this winter with a hot cap."
Shite.
No' shite, Bobby. Toasty.
And it came the day.
In there, there's a new PP3 battery
and the liner is like a mini electric blanket.
Wait, wait.
There you go.
It's kicking in noo.
Do you want a drink or no? I'll take a pint of cider.
A pint of ice, Bobby.
I'm sweating like Pavarotti's pallbearer.
Oh, look who it is!
Chas and Dave.
That's right, you put the cock in Cockney.
Two pints, prick.
VICTOR LAUGHS
And a pint for Winston, Bobby, please.
That's no' Winston.
Walter! Walter.
Hey.
Long time no see.
It must've been how long?
Oh, let me think now. 15 year?
Have you seen Winston yet?
No. No, I thought I'd jump in for a quick pint
before I go over to see him.
Winston!
What you like, eh?
In here entertaining the troops before you come
and visit your brother. A drink for my brother!
In fact, get one for everybody.
Nice. Good, aye.
Here, what happened to your leg?
Eh? Oh, I lost it.
Fags. Oh, dear.
Anyway, how you been?
Aye.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, I lost it. Rigs.
Well, where have you been? Where have I no' been?!
I was over in that Heimdal gas field there.
Aye. Got transferred over to...
SNORING
Oh, here! Stop me if I'm boring you!
No, no, you're no' boring him.
It's the battery bonnets, puts him to sleep.
Eric! Wake up, you old tit!
Oh!
Argh! It's absolutely roasting!
Whoa!
My good bonnet!
That cost me an arm and a leg!
BOTH: Oh!
Morning, Jack.
Isa.
Jack.
Isa.
Victor.
Morning.
Morning to you, too.
LIFT DINGS
What's this? Have I got aff the lift at a zombie movie?
Dawn Of The Decrepit!
That's very funny, Chris.
Have you got anything for us?
I have, as it happens.
I've got one for each of you.
Ooh, here! Hee-hee!
Nice one, Chris.
Oh, all different sizes!
A wee gadget for each of us, eh?
Something to make life that bit easier.
Who's going to kick things off?
Allow me.
Oh!
A stone?
At first glance.
Observe.
What's the good of that?
Well, let's say I come home one night
after a convivial evening in the Clansman and I can't find my keys
because I'm, you know, pished and what have you.
Boom! I've got a set right here.
Disguised as a common garden pebble.
Which would not look out of place in a garden, but this is a landing.
Oh, aye. Aye, I mean, see a robber would see that
and say, "Oh, that's one of they wee Futuroo hide your keys
"in a pebble things. That'll save me from kicking the
"old guy's door in."
Shut up! Looks good there.
Like a rockery. Nah, it's only a start on a rockery.
It's like a one rock rockery.
It's like a shitey rockery.
Aye, you should get doon the garden centre,
get more rocks to put round aboot it.
Wait till you see.
Hold that.
Hey-hey!
Watch.
Put it there.
Chap my door!
Who is it, please?
Victor McDade and Jack Jarvis.
Er, Esquire. I'm sorry, I cannot come to the door the noo
for I'm making cock-a-leekie soup, so bugger off!
It's a good wee thing that. I like it.
It's a nice wee thing, that. I'd like to get one of them, yeah.
Right, come in and show me what you've got, Jack.
DOOR SHUTS
Jack?
Jack! Victor!
That is the bollocks. Mm-hm.
The business. The daddy of them all.
What the hell is it? What's your bath time routine?
I don't take a bath routinely.
Too much hassle. I do my ablutions with my shower head.
Ablutions? Aye, roond the hooses.
Oxsters, arsehole, clackerbag.
Thanks for that, Victor. I've now got that in Panavision.
I know what you mean though, I'm the same.
Normally a bath at our age is a pain in the arse,
but with the techno tub, no siree.
Soap dispenser.
Beer holder.
Thermometer.
Light.
Book stand. And the piece de resistance...
MUSIC PLAYS
Mm-hm.
And with that, bath time is a pleasure
and I will be having one tonight.
Nice. How much was that?
34.99. That's better than a dummy stone, right enough.
OK, once you've used that tonight,
I'll get a shot of it and have a good steep myself.
No, no, no, no, no.
The techno tub's a personal thing.
That would be like borrowing another man's sponge.
No, no, away you go and fondle your stone.
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER
He turns round and goes, "No, you hold its heed,
"I'll put the wellies on it!"
What am I missing here? What's all the laughing about?
My ribs are sore!
It's Walter here. He should be a bloody stand-up comedian.
Hey, you can be a double act.
Winston, you'd need to be the straight man.
Or the clown that comes oot before the main event!
Cos he's it and you're shit.
That could be the name of your double act.
Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand -
oh, no offence, Walter - for It and Shit!
Thanks for that, Jack.
Right, where are we going?
The bookies? Let's flash some cash.
No, no. Stevie the bookie's a wrong 'un.
How?
It's a long story.
What about the greyhounds?
Where's Victor? Oh, he's up the garden centre.
He's buying bloody pebbles.
What for? He's a crackpot.
Are you coming with us? No, I'm going up the road for a bath.
I've not had a bath for two years.
No, no, no, I've had showers and that. No,
away yous go and enjoy yourself. Have a nice one.
Oh, you're filling up lovely.
Oh, temperature.
Tickety-boo.
Oh, book stand.
CLASSICAL MUSIC Lovely.
Oh! Ho-ho!
Well, I'll be getting in to you shortly
and I don't know when I'm getting out.
16 quid for this pile of shit.
KNOCKING Victor.
Jack. Help.
Have you fell? No, I'm stuck in the bath.
I've been in here all night. What?
'What's all the commotion?'
KNOCKING Isa, Jack's stuck in the bath.
'Who's calling?' It's Victor. Open the door.
'I'm sorry, I cannot receive guests at the moment,
'for I'm in my dressing gown, eating my toast, reading Bella magazine.'
Listen to me, you halfwit! Open the bloody door.
Jack is stuck in the bath.
If you don't open this bloody door now,
I'm going to rip this dog's legs off.
It's locked. Well, put your shoulder to it.
Ooh!
Move!
Hiya-huh!
Are you all right, Jack? What happened here? What happened?
Well, I thought this bath is so good, I'll live in it.
I'm stuck. I can't get out.
Jack, your willy!
Oh, I'll cover that up, Jack. Bigger towel!
Who the bloody hell takes a bath first thing in the morning?
I took it last night. And you took another one this morning?
I've been in here since last night. Last night? Oh, my!
Oh, it's a carry on, isn't it? Look at my skin.
I'm turning into Judy Finnigan.
You canny just lift yourself out? No, I'm stuck to the sides.
It's like... I don't know, suction.
Well, just pull the plug out. Do you no' think I've tried that?
It doesnae work. The plug's located directly below my ringer.
Don't panic. Panic? Oh, I'm way beyond panicking.
I was panicking for about ten hours, but that's passed now.
Call 911. What for? The American cops?
Away you go, you dunderhead.
"Hello, is that CSI Miami? My pal's stuck in the bath."
"Where?" "Glesga." It's 999 you call.
I'm no' dying, I just want to get out the bath.
There's a number you call when you've got trouble with a bath.
B&Q. Shut up! I know what it is, it's 101.
No, that's crime. I'm no' being robbed.
No, the only thing I'm being robbed of is my dignity.
I know what it is. This happened to big Janice McCafferty,
her with the eating disorder.
Oh, you know who I'm talking about.
She got banned from Greggs for grazing.
She got stuck in the bath and her man called...
Her man called? Her man called?
Kenny. No, the number he called, you dozy cow.
NHS Ambulance Services.
That's who you call.
Navid. Meet my brother, Walter.
Nice to see you. What can I do you for?
Cigars. What have you got?
Well, we have classy ones for the men about town
and the not-so-classy ones for the man about scheme.
Classy, always classy.
I used to be a half Corona man myself,
back when we were in Gujarat. I know Gujarat. You know Gujarat?
Oh, aye. I worked in Lahore for long enough.
The boy I worked with was from Gujarat.
Aftab Jarwar.
He was a good laugh. Tiny wee fella.
Must have only been about four foot six.
THEY LAUGH
That's a cracker. Take that.
That's a better laugh than he's ever gave me.
Very kind, thanking you.
So, have you ever been anywhere good, Winston? Aye, Rawalpindi.
Oh, in the Punjab region? No, in the Sauchiehall Street region.
Right next to the dry cleaners. Good pakora.
GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
What the hell are you doing? Sorry, Jack.
I've been putting it off for ages.
I've had to park a loaf in your lavvy. You animal.
Who does that? You only live next door.
Ah, I couldn't leave you by yourself in the bath.
You've been asleep. You could have done a Whitney Houston.
When are these people coming to get me out of here?
It's been nearly two hours since we found you.
They must be due here now.
Well, if they show up now they're going to be confused, aren't they?
"Oh, dearie me, what a dilemma. Who do we save first?
"The old fella in the bath or the daft old duffer superglued to the shiter?"
Finish your manky business and get off my pan.
Look away.
Oh, you must be from the services.
No, no, that's John from down the stair.
Hi, John. What's going on here? Well, he's stuck in the bath, son.
Oh, are you? Well, I have water coming down into my bathroom,
which I've been doing up for the past three months
and I've just finished only to look up and see drip, drip, drip, drip.
Let me take a look at it.
Oh, look at that. That's soaking, rotten.
I told you about that two years ago.
Keep the heid, son, there's an ambulance coming.
If I get any more water coming down on me,
it'll be a hearse you're needing.
Charming. Where are these toe rags? Are they no' here yet?
Typical, isn't it? Leaving an old man stuck in a bath.
It's disgusting. It's because the pensioner isn't a priority.
Aye, that's it, dirty, lazy pigs.
We're the bottom of the pile, make no mistake.
How long did they say they'd be? Who? The services.
What did they say?
What did they say to me? Aye, when you phoned them.
I never phoned them, it was Victor that phoned them.
I was in there getting ready. You daft couple of arseholes!
Victor. Yes, Jack.
Flush.
Come on, then. Get up. Come on, then. Oh, you...
Bingo!
Beat by a bawhair.
Excuse me a minute, sir, if I could just tend to this customer first.
Of course.
Just ignore him, Walter.
How can I help you? Wee accumulator came up there.
Nice. Let me see.
You started with £1.
You predicted McPherson in round three last night, score draw next,
the winner at Hamilton. And you never took the odds.
That was clever. £210.
Well done.
How about me buying you a pint
and picking your brains about your process?
Any time. Aye, any time.
No, I was referring to the winner's enclosure.
Winston.
You're not taking a dump and all, are you?
Indeed I am not. Filthy pig.
What did they say? Ah, you're not going to like it.
They said it could be up to six hours.
No. I cannae go another six hours.
The water's starting to get cold, you know?
Well, we can fix that with a wee top up.
It's not coming. Isa, please.
Ah! Away you go, you halfwit!
What have you done? That's scalding hot, that!
That's too much. Oh, it's absolutely roasting.
You may as well put potatoes in here.
My balls are getting poached.
It's now or never, Jack. Victor!
Are you ready? One, two, three.
GROANS
THEY SHOUT
Get off me!
Victor, are you all right?
That's a good gang of pals you've got here, Winston.
Oh, aye. I'm really lucky.
Jack, Victor, Tam, Eric...
..Isa, Navid. CLEARS THROAT
Oh, and Stevie the bookie.
That was awful news about poor old Auntie Lily dying, wasn't it?
And there it is. There what is? The reason for your wee visit.
Your bus leaves in an hour, but there's still one last
wee bit of business to take care of, isn't there?
The bite. I don't know what you're talking about.
I've warned you. My ceiling is soaking now.
How can you still be stuck? It's a hell of a carry on, right enough.
I mean, they're saying on the phone it could be up to six hours.
Oh, shut up, I'm not wanting your life story, you daft old trout.
Have you any Fairy Liquid?
In my kitchen, under the sink.
What's he going to do with Fairy Liquid, Jack?
I don't know, maybe wants to do a couple of dishes?
Calm himself down a bit. Oh, like therapy that, isn't it?
Anger management. Right, out the road.
Oh, my.
This is the letter that I got telling me Lily had passed.
As soon as that arrived, I knew you wouldn't be long
at the back of it because that's how you operate.
Four times in the last 40 years I've seen you.
Each time to borrow money, which you never paid back.
You never even came to your ma or your dad's funeral
because you knew they had nothing.
So, was there any...
Money?
Aye, she left 4,000.
So that's 2,000 each? No.
Take the lot.
Aye.
I really am sorry for letting all that water down in your new
bathroom, but I was stuck in that bath for 20 hours.
Well, what are you doing taking a bath at your age?
Ah, well, he normally takes a shower, but he bought this, see?
Well, what is it? Oh, that's the Techno Tub.
It's got everything. Radio, lights, thermometer.
Aye, it's a good thing. Well, what do you do with it?
Well, it just sits like this.
Voila. CRASHING
Techno Tub. Bath tidy.
Your bathroom really is lovely.
Is that a new shower cubicle?
That must be weird for you, eh, Winston?
How so? Well, you know.
Having an older brother that's the life and soul and...
Funnier than me? ALL: No!
Look, ye cannae be jealous of family.
Anyway, he's away now. So you'll have to put up with the support act.
Winston, over the last couple of days, Walter ran up a tab here.
£40.
Calm down. He telt me about that.
He gave me this to square you up.
Did you think he'd done a runner? No. That's great.
Right, everybody. To Walter. ALL: To Walter.
To Walter.
Still nae joy? Which one was it?
'Want me to make up the couch? Hee-hee!'