1 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,240 Right, what have we got? 2 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,800 I've narrowed it down to three. 3 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:39,960 Nae repeats, mind. 4 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,240 Naw, nae repeats. We're no' going up the rubbish channels, either. 5 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,480 BBC Nine and all that shite. That's the wrong end of town. 6 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,400 And I'm no' watching Gobblebox. 7 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,680 Gogglebox? 8 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:53,840 What did I say? Gobblebox. 9 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,960 That would just be a pile of people sitting round watching porno movies. 10 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:58,960 Oh, aye, aye. 11 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,480 Right, so the frontrunner is A Mile In My Shoes, a doc. 12 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,920 The trials and tribulations of two men swapping their lives 13 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,400 for a period of time. 14 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,160 One's a chairman of a big company, 15 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,600 and the other guy's a bampot. 16 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,400 That sounds brutal. 17 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,440 Socially experimenting on people. 18 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,120 That's Mengele pish. 19 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,320 Aye... 20 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,880 Camera crew - "Right, come here," filming him. 21 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,800 Boy's making an arse of it, we're sitting at home heehawing 22 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,600 and laughing at the poor bastard's misery. 23 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,680 It's definitely no' right. It's bad form. 24 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,920 Do you want to watch it? Aye, get it on. 25 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:37,280 Here, I wonder what would happen if you and I swapped houses, Victor. 26 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,080 Well, I'd come to you on a Tuesday and you'd come to me on a Wednesday. 27 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,080 Aye, as opposed to me coming to you on a Tuesday 28 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:44,600 and you coming to me on a Wednesday. I would, however, 29 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,560 be worried about my chip pan if you were living in my house. How so? 30 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,080 Well, I'd be lying in my bed - actually your bed - 31 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,920 eyes staring out my head, 32 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:56,080 worried sick that you'd be rummaging about in my kitchen, 33 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:57,560 drunk on my drink, 34 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,000 looking for things to deep-fry in my chip pan. 35 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,720 And why not? I'd be hungry. 36 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,400 But I'd be bitterly disappointed 37 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,520 because you've no' got anything in your cupboards except tins. 38 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,200 So then I'd be arseing about with your shonky can-opener 39 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,480 trying to wheedle the Spam out the tin and into your fryer. 40 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,400 There it is right there, Jack, eh? 41 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,000 Frying Spam in the dead of night, three sheets to the wind. 42 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,560 "Oh, I know what I'll dae. 43 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,760 "That Spam'll take a wee while to cook through. 44 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,040 "I'll just have a wee snooze on the couch here cos I'm leathered." 45 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,600 Oh, I know what this is. 46 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,320 This is a chip-pan-fire scenario, innit? 47 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,080 Yes. First the handle - puddle of black plastic. 48 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,840 Then my curtains - boof! 49 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,720 The whole kitchen ablaze. The guy upstairs going off his nut, 50 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,760 wondering where all the heat's coming from! 51 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,120 And me, at my age, up umpteen floors 52 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:42,640 on a fireman's ladder, 53 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,480 trying to get out the building. 54 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,360 That widnae bother me. How? 55 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,960 Cos my worries would be over. 56 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,720 I'd be burnt to crisp. 57 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,360 Jack Black. 58 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,480 Aye, lucky you, eh(?) 59 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,440 Aye, well, that's a result. 60 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:56,960 Oh! What? 61 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,560 I've got chips on! 62 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,040 HE CHUCKLES 63 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:07,680 Enjoy your roll. 64 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,240 Thanks, Sinead, hen. 65 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,600 Oh! 66 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,960 Please, Isa, join us(!) 67 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,360 What can I get you? 68 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,280 Oh, nothing for me. 69 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:22,120 Just a tea, hen. I'm watching my weight. 70 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,800 I'll maybe have a wee roll wi' sausage, 71 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,760 and put an egg on it, a wee bit of bacon. 72 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,680 What's that you've got, Victor? Roll and black pudding. 73 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,840 Aye, a wee bit of black pudding an' all, hen. 74 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,800 Stick a tattie scone on the top of it. 75 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,200 Do you want beans an' all? Naw! 76 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,960 SHE LAUGHS 77 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,040 Well, maybe a wee forkful, hen. 78 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,280 Right. 79 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,360 Oh, uh, Sinead, congratulations on your one-year anniversary. 80 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,600 That's flew in. 81 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,240 How did you know? 82 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,320 I just seen wee Fergie across the road. 83 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,160 He was buying you something nice. 84 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,360 Of course I'll no' say what it is. 85 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,200 Flowers! 86 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,880 That's remarkable, Isa. 87 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,120 You manage to order the whole world on a roll and keep a secret 88 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,840 for 52 whole seconds. 89 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,040 Shut up. 90 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,840 A wee slice of tomato an' all, hen. 91 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,520 Tomato. Can I get that to go? Aye, nae bother. 92 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,960 We've got a wheelbarrow oot the back. 93 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,240 Eh? 94 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,440 Nothing. 95 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,720 All right, team? Ah, Fergie. 96 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,280 Happy anniversary, son. Flowers. 97 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,360 All right, doll? 98 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:26,960 Happy anniversary. 99 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,600 Aw, they're lovely. I got you some aftershave. 100 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,200 What were you doing, spending all that money? 101 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,440 Calvin Klein?! 102 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,080 No. It was only six quid. 103 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,720 Calvin Klone. 104 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,400 Thanks. Fire us up a roll and scrambled egg, will you? 105 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,360 SHE COUGHS 106 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,480 Are you doing anything special tonight? 107 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:52,800 We're gonnae get a KFC. 108 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,040 Fitting. 109 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,800 I'm no' quite across what all the anniversary years are. 110 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,200 I know 50's golden and 40's ruby. 111 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,440 So one year must be...chicken? 112 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,880 No! Sure the first year's paper. 113 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,040 Which a KFC is wrapped in. 114 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,280 That was my thinking. Aye. 115 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,640 Ohhh... What's the matter? No... 116 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,320 Nothing... 117 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,040 Here you! 118 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,920 That's enough of that. What? 119 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,440 Looking at that lassie. 120 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,080 What lassie? 121 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,280 THAT lassie. 122 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,840 What, her? 123 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,840 That lassie that just came in there in the two-piece suit 124 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,960 and sat down at the window, with the flattering light on her? Aye. 125 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,680 I wisnae looking at her. 126 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:37,840 You were. 127 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,880 You're allowed to look, aren't you? Fergie! 128 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,240 Well, she's happy enough wi' her flowers. 129 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,720 Enjoy your roll. 130 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,920 Isa, do you want a hand out the door wi' that? 131 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,440 Where did you get the flowers? 132 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,720 Across the road. 133 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,480 At least you didnae get them out the garage, like a lazy bastard. 134 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,920 I got them out the garage across the road. 135 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,400 You lazy bastard. 136 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,960 Hi, Isa. 137 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,440 Boabby, son. 138 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,520 Wow, Navid. 40 year! 139 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,360 Congratulations. That is some shift. 140 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,800 Thank you, Boabby. I thought, "How do you mark it?" 141 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,440 You give something back. 142 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:30,000 So I've rolled back the prices to 1976. 143 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,440 Excellent. 144 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,560 I'll take two dozen bottles of Scotch and all your fags. 145 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,320 Scotch and smokes are exempt. Why's that? 146 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,800 Because I never had time to phone Customs and Excise 147 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,560 to inform them that some poxy shop in Craiglang 148 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,320 was having a rollback experience. 149 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,680 Fair enough. 150 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,840 A packet of Nic Naks, then. 151 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,280 55 pence. 152 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,280 They're always 55 pence. 153 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:54,920 Where is my 1976 rollback? 154 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,520 My shop opened in 1976. 155 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,240 Nic Naks were launched in 1981. 156 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,920 They are also exempt from the rollback bonanza. 157 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,720 Fine! A tube of Pringles. 158 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,360 Pringles have been around for donkey's. 159 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,840 I'm afraid you are the donkey here, Boabby. 160 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,360 Pringles, the taste sensation, 161 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,480 burst onto the snack scene in 1967. 162 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,920 Good. Get them beeped. 163 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,640 But that was in the US. 164 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:26,520 In the UK, they were launched in 1991. Exempt! 165 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,040 Have you actually got anything from 1976 166 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,440 that costs what it cost in 1976, Navid? Of course. 167 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,400 This shop is a treasure trove of savings today. 168 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,080 You, uh, just need to find them. 169 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,920 Da-dee! 170 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,920 Warm. 171 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,120 Warm. 172 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,240 Hot. Hot. Roasting! 173 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,360 Cold again. 174 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,840 SHE MOUTHS 175 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,960 Bleach?! You dick! 176 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,600 Well done. 177 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,240 Sale Of The Century. The Price Is Right. Bleach! 178 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,320 Okey dokey, then. Today's price - 35 pence. 179 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,920 1976 rollback bonanza price - 180 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,600 34 pence. 181 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,200 Ah! Nae luck, Boabby. 182 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,080 Thanks for playing. 183 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,080 Have you enjoyed your time with us? 184 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,600 Aye, I've had a lovely... Oh, for fu... 185 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,840 Unbelievable! Bloody bleach. I don't even need bleach. 186 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:38,680 You don't need bleach? I've smelt the toilets in the Clansman. 187 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,680 SHE LAUGHS 188 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,960 I'm a busy man, Navid. I don't need this garbage. 189 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,040 How are you busy? 190 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,920 I've got the brewers coming in the day. 191 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,720 I've got barrels to change. 192 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,360 I've got the cellar to clean. I've got stocktake. 193 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,480 It's all right for you, eh? You've got it cushy. 194 00:08:58,480 --> 00:08:59,800 Cushy? 195 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,360 You've got your missus doing all your heavy lifting. 196 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,120 You've got Isa cleaning the place for you, 197 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:08,680 sweating like Susan Boyle in a cake shop, 198 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:13,280 while you sit on your wee throne, watching Loose Women. 199 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,280 Cushy. 200 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,720 Cheeky bastard. There's nothing cushy about my job. 201 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,800 TRANSLATION: 202 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,800 Eric. Jack. Victor. 203 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,000 Hi, Fergie. 204 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,480 Have you got a minute? 205 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,280 Lager, please, Boabby. What do you want, Fergie? 206 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,720 It's delicate. 207 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,640 Uh-huh. It's about...marriage and that, 208 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,680 and I want to ask you guys advice. 209 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,280 On marriage? 210 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,400 No, no, you're talking to two old fellas from a different era. 211 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,840 I mean, I was married at 21, for God's sake. 212 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,280 An eejit! A young daftie. 213 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,200 Aye, me an' all. I don't know what I was thinking. 214 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,160 21! Stupid, doolally bastard. 215 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,120 I got married at 21. 216 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,840 Did you, son? Carry on. 217 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,000 I see yous two as the ancients. 218 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,360 I'm no' sure I like that, "ancients". 219 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,240 No! The elder statesmen. The wise men. 220 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,320 Go on. 221 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:16,720 It's just... 222 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,240 See my marriage? 223 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,440 I'm not saying it's no' good, but a lot of time's passed. 224 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,040 A year's a long time? 225 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,640 Huh, right enough, aye. 226 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,800 You must be sick of the sight of one another. 227 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,440 The old 12-month itch. 228 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,080 Is this because you were ogling at that lassie 229 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,960 in the cafe the other day? I've no' done nothing. Good. 230 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,400 It's just... 231 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:40,280 when I married Sinead, I hadn't really been with anybody else. 232 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,240 She's beautiful an' all that, 233 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,520 I just feel I jumped in a bit quick. 234 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,040 Right, let me stop you right there, Fergie. 235 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,280 Temptation is the trial of every red-blooded man. 236 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,360 Marriage is like a fine old classic car. 237 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,440 If you leave it lying, well, it goes rusty. 238 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,640 And then when you're wanting inside it, 239 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,480 you try to get your key in, it'll no' start. 240 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,520 You get me? So, if you've got a classic car, 241 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,800 make sure you're always polishing the bonnet. 242 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,520 I have been polishing the bonnet. 243 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,440 Aye, but now you're wanting to 244 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,840 polish this other lassie's headlights. Eh? 245 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,680 You see, Fergie, your modern women have all these new needs. 246 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,760 You know, fresh demands. 247 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,480 Like the cly-toris. 248 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,280 Don't get embarrassed, Fergie. Victor's right. 249 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,040 Today, it's all about the cly-torises 250 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,880 and making a real effort to reach your woman's G Plan. 251 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,240 G-spot, Jack. 252 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,760 G-spot? What did I say? 253 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,680 G Plan. That's furniture. 254 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,280 Oh, aye. 255 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,160 So, when you have located the G-spot... 256 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,400 Listen, guys, that'll dae me. 257 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,960 That's plenty. 258 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,520 No, give us a minute, we know what we're talking about. 259 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,520 You've seen Kayleigh. She's beautiful, man. 260 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,400 What would you dae? 261 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,760 I'll tell you what I'd dae. Carpe diem. 262 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,240 Carpe diem? 263 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,360 Carpe diem, Fergie. 264 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,840 Carpe diem... 265 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,440 Carpe diem. 266 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,680 Two lager, Boabby. 267 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,080 What does "carpe diem" mean, Jack? 268 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,800 Carpe diem? It's Latin, sure. 269 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,920 It means do right thing. Toe the line. 270 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,560 Behave yourself. 271 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,320 Oh, aye, stick with the missus. 272 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,240 Straighten up and fly right! 273 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:17,960 Carpe diem! 274 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,640 Have you got 50 pence for a cup of tea, mate? No? 275 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,280 Mick? 276 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,880 Aw, Fergie, it's yourself. 277 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:31,640 Aye. Here, Mick, you're good wi' words and that, aren't you? 278 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:35,080 It has been suggested that my loquaciousness is legendary. 279 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,680 Aye, well, have you heard the phrase... 280 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,000 "...carpe diem"? 281 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,840 Yes. What about it? 282 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,240 What does it mean? 283 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,800 It's a Latin aphorism, 284 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:52,720 taken from book one of the Roman poet Horace's work Odes from 23 BC, 285 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,880 which I don't hold with. 286 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,840 I reckon it's later. 287 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,560 Aye, later. 288 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,320 But what does it mean? 289 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:04,560 Seize the day, as in now, get it done. 290 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,600 Don't leave it hinging till it gets minging. 291 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,800 Seize the day?! 292 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,400 Wow. Thanks, Jack. 293 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,720 Thanks, Victor. 294 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,400 Seize the day. 295 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,320 Here I come, seize the day. 296 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,400 Navid? What can I get you? 297 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,920 You can get me an apology. Make it a large one! 298 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,240 Apologise? For what? 299 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,440 All that cushy crack in the shop. What about it? 300 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,760 Let me take you back 40 years to when I started my cushy wee shop. 301 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:41,440 I was the only dark face in all of Craiglang. 302 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,480 Every time I put my shutters up, somebody put my windows in. 303 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:49,560 Every time I shut my shop at night, somebody broke in. 304 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,720 Chucking out alcoholics, 305 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,160 patting down shoplifters, 306 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,000 battling neds, 307 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,520 dodging boys with blades. 308 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,360 It was a war zone. 309 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,440 And meanwhile, what were you doing, eh? 310 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:07,880 "Oh, would you like a piece of ice in your Campari and soda?" 311 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,240 "Oh, salted or dry roasted?" 312 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,200 So what are you getting at? 313 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,240 I'll tell you what I'm getting at. 314 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,400 I could do your job standing on my head. 315 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,880 But you widnae last ten minutes in my place. 316 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:24,160 So apologise, or walk a mile in my shoes. 317 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,680 Thing is, Navid, 318 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,760 sometimes I just open my mouth and I let my belly rumble. 319 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:34,400 I've upset you and, for that, I'm sorry. 320 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,000 Well, good. 321 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,280 I accept. 322 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:44,040 So you away back to your cushy wee sweetie shop! 323 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,240 Bastard! Oh, Jesus! 324 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,960 Whoa! Whoa! That's enough, that's enough. 325 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,480 Stop that! Two grown men fighting! 326 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,800 Well, one grown man and another one wi' learning difficulties, 327 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,680 but you know what I mean. Enough. Did I get that right, Boabby? 328 00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,720 You're saying Navid's job is easy? 329 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,520 Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy! 330 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,400 Lemon squeezy, eh? I'll squeeze your neck! 331 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,240 Settle down, settle down! 332 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,280 And you're saying, Navid, that Boabby's job's easier? 333 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,080 Easier. Peasier. 334 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,200 Lemon squeezier. 335 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,600 Right. Well, there's only one way to solve this. 336 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,560 HE GULPS 337 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,960 SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS 338 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,280 Ooh... 339 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,240 MUSIC STOPS 340 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:07,880 No sale. 341 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,320 Boabby, where are you? We're parched here! 342 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,680 Service, please! 343 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:30,520 NAVID: Give us a minute! I'm in the cellar changing a bloody barrel. 344 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,200 Is that Navid's voice? 345 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,560 It's magic, eh? 346 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,360 Already? First one that runs greeting to the other loses? 347 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,360 Oh, this is going to be brilliant. 348 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,400 Oh, it's a good time to be alive. 349 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960 Ah, here we go. 350 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,520 Bob Hope and Bing Crosby. 351 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,680 AMERICAN ACCENT: Well, what do you say to that, Bing? 352 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,160 AMERICAN ACCENT: # Give us a couple of drinks 353 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,480 # Ba-ba-ba-bawbag! # 354 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,920 Two pints, prick! 355 00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,320 What did you say to me? 356 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,680 Two pints. 357 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:01,920 After that? 358 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,040 Prick. 359 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,320 I'm a prick? 360 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,840 You come in here, all puffed up, 361 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,080 and you call me a male appendage? 362 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:14,880 A sexual organ? A dirty, filthy, stinking, unwashed phallus? 363 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,920 Hold on, Navid, this isnae how it works. 364 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,240 You're not meant... No, we normally we come here... 365 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,040 Yes, you come in and humiliate the man 366 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,800 in the foulest sense, in front of the community? 367 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,240 Not on my watch, you cheeky wankers! 368 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,040 Oh, well, sorry. Sorry. 369 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,960 What do you want? 370 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:36,000 Two pints of lager and a bag of salt and vinegar crisps, please, Navid. 371 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:40,240 Salt and vinegar... salt and vinegar...salt and vinegar. 372 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,720 Isa, jump down to the cellar, 373 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,080 get a box of salt and vinegar crisps, will you? 374 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,120 I don't work for you in here, Navid. 375 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,040 I work for you in the shop. 376 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,280 A large whisky, please, Navid. 377 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,320 Am I having a stroke? 378 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,040 What's he... 379 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,480 Don't ask. 380 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,800 There you go. 381 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,640 What's that? 382 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,160 That's a whisky. 383 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,840 No, I asked for a large whisky. 384 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,400 Aye. But that'll do. 385 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:16,880 Look, there's no' even enough in there to clean my specs! 386 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,280 Get another one in there. No. What? 387 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,600 I have known you for many years and you only have two moods, 388 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,680 despondency or rage. 389 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,600 I believe the reason for this is 390 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,920 that you are constantly nursing a hangover. 391 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,800 And that's why I want a large whisky, 392 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,520 because I've got a hangover. 393 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:36,720 I'm trying to save you from the endless roundabout of misery. OK. 394 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,320 I'll be the first to admit that I do drink a wee bit too much 395 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,760 and I suppose I am on a bit of a roundabo... 396 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,240 Look, just get me a large whisky in there, 397 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,080 right now, before I say something I regret! 398 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,520 Say it. 399 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,800 I want Boabby back. 400 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,040 Where's my crisps? 401 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,160 Isa! 402 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:05,200 It's my day off, Navid! I'm getting pished! 403 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,400 Not on his shift, you're not! 404 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:14,440 Meena, if you want to be with Navid over at the Clansman, 405 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:15,920 feel free. 406 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,720 It's stone dead in here. 407 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,960 TRANSLATION: 408 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,200 Just take the afternoon. 409 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,160 I've got this. 410 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,640 SHE LAUGHS 411 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,520 BUZZER 412 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,160 THEY ROAR 413 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,200 HE SCREAMS 414 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,520 Here, what are you doing? 415 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,400 I'm Doctor Who. We're going back in time. 416 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,040 HE SINGS 417 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,360 Winston, keep an eye there. 418 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,520 Tell me when Davros is coming out from the back shop. 419 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,200 Psst. 420 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,520 Bit of service here, please, Navid. 421 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,080 Certainly, Tam. What can I get you? 422 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,040 Uh...a cheese toastie, 423 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,840 a Cointreau and a packet of Scampi Fries, please. 424 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,040 Toastie, Cointreau, Scampi Fries. 28 pence, please. 425 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,000 It'll be a couple of minutes for your toastie. 426 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,560 Oh, I don't mind waiting, Navid. I like my cheese well melted. 427 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,360 Sometimes, you know, I think my brain has melted. 428 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:47,040 I mean, what was I thinking, coming round here to run a pub? 429 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,400 I don't know the cost of anything in a licensed public house. 430 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,560 I'm just a daft Muslim who runs a corner shop. 431 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,560 BELL RINGS 432 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,160 Oh, there's your toastie. 433 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,600 28 pence, please. 434 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,240 There you go. Thank you. 435 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,400 Oh, I nearly forgot! What do you want in your Cointreau? 436 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,240 Just a wee dash of lemonade, please. 437 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,600 So that's 28 pence for the drink, the snack and the toastie 438 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,400 and... 439 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,120 ...and £4.12 for the dash. 440 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,240 Do you think my head buttons up the back? Chancer! 441 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,800 Jack! Victor! 442 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,000 Fergie? 443 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,280 Terrible, innit? Oh... 444 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:55,560 Him sitting there, only a year married, and look at him. 445 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:56,920 Poor Sinead. 446 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,480 I thought that boy had his head screwed on. 447 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,200 I don't know where he got such an idea. 448 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,320 Sweet sherry, Navid. 449 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,960 (Fergie!) 450 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,120 How yous doing? Are yous good? Aye? 451 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,720 "How yous doing"?! What are YOU doing? Eh? 452 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,880 I'm just doing what you told me to do. 453 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,160 What did we tell you to do? Seize the day! 454 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,920 I never said that! 455 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,440 What did I say? Carpe diem. 456 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,400 That's right. Seize the day! 457 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,000 No, that's no' what it means. 458 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,760 It means do the right thing, toe the line, behave yourself. 459 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:32,280 Winston, what's your understanding of the term "carpe diem"? 460 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:36,280 Seize the day. Act immediately. Now is the moment. 461 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,560 It means get her knickers off! 462 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,640 Scantium pull-doonium! 463 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,280 Panties removis! 464 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,000 THEY GROAN 465 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,160 Navid, two lager, please. 466 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,400 What did you do with the two that I gave you? We drank them! 467 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,640 And you're wanting another two already? 468 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,400 Give it another half hour, I'll consider it. 469 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,920 Stick another goldie in there, Navid. 470 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,640 Not for another 12 minutes, you red-faced inebriate bastard. 471 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,520 Fergie, listen to me. You're a married man. 472 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,960 Calm down. I'm just sitting with the lassie, having a juice. 473 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,560 It's all very innocent. 474 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:14,400 Fergie, I thought it'd be nice to ask my parents to join us. 475 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:19,320 Mum, Dad, this is Fergie, my new boyfriend. 476 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,520 HE GASPS 477 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,680 Fergie, you filthy wee pig. 478 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,200 Sinead! 479 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,240 Carpe dum-dums. 480 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,480 'Mugged by a couple of kids. 481 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,120 'How embarrassing. 482 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,680 'Still... 483 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,280 'nobody seen it. 484 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,160 'Nobody needs to know.' 485 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:01,080 BUZZER 486 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,040 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 487 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,520 Hi, Meena. 488 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,200 TRANSLATION: 489 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,840 Well? It's a simple question. 490 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,760 What was the question again? 491 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,920 I asked you who that lassie was that came in when I kissed you. 492 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:29,080 Well, that lassie that came in there... 493 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,600 then marched out... 494 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:33,640 Who was that? 495 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,040 Jack? 496 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,000 Eh, Victor? 497 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,160 Winston? 498 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,680 Tam? 499 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,240 Eric? 500 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,880 Navid? 501 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,600 The lassie is Sinead, Fergie's wife. 502 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,800 The wee creep's married. 503 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,880 You snake! Right, you, you wee shit! 504 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:59,720 It's no' KFC you're getting the night. It's GBH. 505 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,360 RAISED VOICES 506 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,240 Quiet, please. 507 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,760 Can you be quiet? 508 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,080 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 509 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,720 Be quiet! 510 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,480 Thank you. Right, Isa, will you tell us what you saw? 511 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:19,560 Aye. Well, there's things I saw but I heard much more. 512 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:23,280 Mary Shaw, that works in the laundromat... Yous know Mary? 513 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,000 She's just left her man 514 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,800 cos he was stealing knickers off washing lines... 515 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,400 Yes, I know! 516 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,400 Anyhow, she said that Fergie and Kayleigh 517 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,280 have been getting right pally these last few days. 518 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,200 I heard that an' all. I knew you two would be in here. 519 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,320 I've no' done anything! Shut up! You'll get your say. 520 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,560 Thanks very much, Isa. Now be quiet. 521 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,880 What do you think she means by "pally"? 522 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,680 Pally? I'll tell you what she means by "pally". 523 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,280 You doing the dirty with my man! 524 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,600 Oh, well, maybe if you'd paid attention to him 525 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,040 he widnae be sniffing round me! What?! 526 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,960 THEY ALL SHOUT 527 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,480 Shut up! 528 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,440 Every one of you! 529 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:09,200 Two minutes I'm down there changing a barrel, and I come up to what? 530 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,160 Arma-bastard-geddon! 531 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,360 You've got 30 seconds to take this low-order, scum-sucking, 532 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:20,480 gutter-sniping, red-neck, Jeremy Kyle behaviour out of my pub! 533 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,960 Right, you heard the man. Come on. 534 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,080 Listen, Sinead. I didnae have any idea he was married. 535 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:34,800 Really? Really. But the main thing is, nothing happened. 536 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,640 Nothing at all. 537 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,920 I'm sorry. I just wanted to see what was out there. 538 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:51,040 Fergie, maybe we did get married too young. 539 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,160 Go and see what's out there. 540 00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,640 Pint of lager, please. 541 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:02,800 Aye, we'll take two lager and, uh, Isa'll have a sherry. 542 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,760 No! I'm no' selling any more alcohol. 543 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,160 What's your problem? 544 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,560 You stand in that shop of yours and you serve booze all day! Aye. 545 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,560 But you go back to your rats' nests and consume it. 546 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,680 But in here, I have to witness it. 547 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,120 It is like Sodom and Gomorrah... 548 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,760 with crisps. 549 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,640 You win. 550 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,600 I want my pub back. 551 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,760 NAVID CHUCKLES 552 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,960 Oh, this is a great day. 553 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,720 You want your pub back 554 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:35,360 because my wee cushy number isnae cushy at all, right? 555 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:37,880 Right. 556 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,440 Say it. 557 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,760 Say what? 558 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,360 "Navid, your shop is no' cushy." 559 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,640 Your shop is no' cushy. 560 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,600 Yes! I win! Champion! 561 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,720 Damn right it's not cushy! 562 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,520 But this pub? This pub is crazy cushy! 563 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,680 Piece of piss! 564 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,800 Boabby, kiss my ar... 565 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:05,080 THUMPS AND GROANS 566 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,120 Bastarding pub. 567 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:40,240 He's got a lovely arse. 568 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,120 I deserved that. 569 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,360 Oh, love's young dream! 570 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:45,960 Hey, lads. 571 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,040 Yous two patched things up, aye? 572 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,760 Aye, after an appropriate amount of grovelling. Six days. 573 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,680 Aye, and two weeks in Santa Ponsa. 574 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:56,440 Oh, that's excellent. Oh, it's good you've sorted it out, eh? 575 00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:57,960 Que sera, sera. 576 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,520 What does that mean? Och, it's Latin phrase. It means... 577 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,640 Shut up, Jack.