Honolulu. That sounds amazing, son.
Aye, aye, Elvis, aye.
A luau, what's that?
The whole pig? Lovely.
The tallest waterfall in the island, eh? Smashin'.
So the helicopter goes all the way into the volcano?
Incredible.
Me? No, nothing. Clansman. Bookie's. Jack's.
Tell him we're havin' a luau the night with two bits of square
sausage in front of the three bars of that electric fire!
BLOWHARD!
Eh? Nothing. It's just Jack sayin', "Aloha".
Right, I'll let ye away.
If ye get two minutes, send us a postcard.
OK, son, cheerio.
He's unbelievable.
That's seven years since I've seen him.
In the last three years, he's taken his family to Cairo, Botswana,
India, Tokyo and noo Hawaii.
But no Craiglang.
That's odd that Craiglang's no' high on his list of dream destinations.
I mean, is it a pint fae Bobby, or two cocktails
fae a lassie wearin' coconut shells for a bra?
It's a tough choice.
And wait a minute,
they don't take the dugs wi' them all the way to Hawaii, dae they?
Naw, the dugs get papped.
What, to a kennel, like?
No. They go to families.
It's a company that does it.
They take your dug and lend it to a family and they're all made up
cos they've no' got one
and then they play with it for a fortnight and then gie it back.
What's that company called?
Eh... Lend a faimly yer dug for a week or a fortnight.com.
Catchy(!)
You used to have a dug when you were a boy, eh?
Aye, Micky, a wee black terrier. Lovely.
It was a nippy wee bastard, though.
Bit my faither's pinky clean off.
He put it in a bag with two bricks and fired it into the canal.
Mind you, you didnae fare much better wi' your dug.
No, old George Heggie shot it sure, wi' that Luger he had fae the war.
Three month, he got.
I quite fancy a dug for a fortnight, do you no'?
Dugs? At oor age? Two words for you.
Billy Ferguson.
Oh, aye, Billy.
Lying deid at the back o' the door for eight days.
The dug's got nuthin to eat, except Billy.
Rattled right through him.
I'm no' ending up like that. My organs are getting donated.
Well, in many respects Billy donated his organs.
Tae his dug!
Heart, lungs, walloper.
I'm no' donating that organ. Unless it's to Carol Vorderman.
Aye. Or Davina.
Oh, Davina.
Oh. That's no' happened for a wee while!
So dae ye want tae gie this dug thing a go, then?
Aye, gie it a wee go. Look intae it.
Yer fingers are flying there, Isa, you're good at that.
I'm on the Facebook and all that noo.
Ye cannae be a slow typist, no' if you want tae be a gossip.
I mean, how would that work?
"T-a-m Ke-n-n-e-d-y's c-h-e-a-t-i-n-g on his w-i-f-e."
That's nae use at a'.
It's important tae be first with the gossip.
Like a good journo.
Are you a gossip, Isa?
Shut up!
Right. That's the baith o' ye signed up.
Somebody will be roond tae see the pair o' you the morra.
As soon as that? What they coming out tae us for?
Well, to assess your suitability to house the animals.
Suitability?
Aye, that yer hooses are clean and the dugs will be in
a good environment.
That yer no' alcoholics and that.
Instead of walking the dog, yer lying in pished in yer underpants
watching Pointless, eating Jaffa Cakes out the box like a daftie.
Careful, Jack, she's been looking through your letterbox again.
No, no, it's Storage Wars I watch.
THEY LAUGH
That's smashin', Isa.
Thanking you.
My pleasure...ya fat bastard.
What?
No, no' you - Peggy McAlpine.
We're messaging each other on the computer. Trash talk.
She's bumming her chat that
she's gonnae beat me in the community centre bake off.
Aye, cos I thought you were calling me a fat bastard.
No! I'm saying your cakes are that rotten, ye'll need to eat them
yersel', ya fat bastard.
Ha ha, giving to her tight, good for you.
Skinny prick.
Is that Peggy's man, aye?
Naw.
Move.
Shovin'.
Take a bite.
What de ye think?
COUGHING
She says it needs a bit of work.
Right, that's me away.
Aye, nae danger, Isa.
Here's ma messages. Making cakes.
Dry runs for the bake off.
Butter, sugar, eggs, large.
When is the bake off happening?
Saturday.
Who's the favourite?
Och, Peggy. She won it last year and the year before.
Peggy McAlpine?
Aye.
You're humped.
She made a cake for Meena for her birthday last year.
Delicious, it was.
One bite and I just about jizzed ma boxers.
Pipe doon, you. I've been training like bloody Rocky Balboa!
Oh, well, give it up, Isa, huh?
Peggy is Muhammad Ali and you are Joe Bugner.
Throw the tea towel in. It's over.
Aye, that's charmin', that. I can bloody bake!
Thankin' you...Mrs Bugner.
Hi, Navid.
Wait a minute, Winston. Mick?
Navid?
What do you want?
Huv ye mice?
Here. Brown or white?
Doesnae matter. As long as they're deid.
Of course they're deid, they're chocolate!
I'm no' wanting chocolate mice, although I do like the white ones.
It's actual mice I'm wanting.
Get out, you junkie bastard!
Huv ye heard the news?
What? Don't tell me, Mick's back on the rubbish!
Oh, no. No, I hope no'.
No, that's a nice boy, that. No, that's no' it.
I've seen the posters. Big bake off.
Peggy's got it in the bag. Magic, they are.
It's like biting into Lorraine Kelly's arse.
No, you stick to what you dae best, Isa. Talk shite.
Don't bake shite.
I'll show yous a'. Anyhow, that's no' the news.
Well, give me the news, then.
Jack and Victor are going to be looking after dugs for a week!
Whit? Aye. What are they wanting wi' dugs?
If anybody's getting a dug, it should be me.
I love dugs. I was brought up wi' dugs.
I've always had dugs. They used to call me the dug man of Craiglang.
Aye, yer dug-daft.
I only wanted to tell ye tae annoy ye.
Hee hee hee!
Mission accomplished, ya rat.
See, I applied for the dug-sitting thing but they knocked me back
because of my leg.
Aye, right enough.
You cannae really take a dog out for a nice long hop.
I'll hop over that coonter and crack your jaw!
Sorry, I'm being rude. What can I get you, Mr Ingram?
Or should I say, Mr "Dugless"?
Oh, a lot younger. That was the '60s, you know.
Oh, aye.
THEY CHUCKLE
Well, thanks very much, Mrs Crossan, that was very good of ye.
You both scored very highly, absolutely no problems whatsoever.
I'll bring the dogs round tomorrow. Half one?
Aye, good stuff, aye.
Now, I meant to say, can I get a short-haired one?
I don't want to be picking up hairs like a dumpling!
Can I get friendly one? I don't want a nut sniffer.
That would just embarrass me.
Gentlemen - here's the thing. It's a small company.
We don't have that many dogs.
Basically, you get what we bring you.
Aye, well, we'll see ye tomorrow. It's all very exciting.
See you tomorrow.
Half one.
Did ye get all that, Isa?
I did, aye. Take what ye get.
Dinnae want a nut sniffer, half one.
Think she got it all, aye.
Isa, do not be spreading this all over Face Paint.
We want the dogs to arrive in a peaceful environment.
Do ye get me?
Oh, aye, aye. Whatever's best for the animals.
Thanking you.
HE LAUGHS
40.
What?
My score. What did you get?
44!
How did you get a bigger score than me?
Well, maybe my place is cleaner than yours.
Bollocks! I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday,
ma hoover just about went on fire.
Aye, but maybe your space has got a bad vibe and that would
agitate the wee thing.
Aye, my joint - my joint's got the edge.
How's your pad got the edge over mine?
Well, maybe I went down the pet store this morning and bought
a whole load of squeaky toys and spread them round the flat.
You dirty fly bastard!
Right, get the kettle on, Fido. Whay!
Woof-woof!
"That's what to dae, Peggy,
"you just push on with your pedestrian apple and ginger loaf."
Send.
MESSAGE ALERT
"It'll be better than your shitty old chocolate cake."
Oh aye, aye, will it, Peggy? Aye, we'll see aboot that!
"It'll no' just be any old chocolate cake, Peggy, will it?
"There will also be other ingredients
"but they shall remain a secret.
"Ya cow."
Send.
"That'll be the first secret you've ever..."
"Why don't you get yourself to fu..."
Oh, it's half one!
Hello, Tam. Yous a' up tae see the dugs, aye?
ALL CHAT EXCITEDLY
Excuse me. God's sake!
Isa! What the...
I never said a word.
ALL: Aye, ye did. It was your idea.
Look, weesht. Right, do yous know what yous are daein'?
It's a very expensive thing, running a dug.
Ye cannot put a price on companionship, Tam.
Well said, Jack.
ELEVATOR PINGS
Here we are.
TAM: Aye, ye can. That looks aboot 70 quid a week in grub tae me.
Mr McDade.
Oot the road, there.
Oi, God's sake! Here, I've no' even had a clap yet!
Get back! What's its name, love?
The breeder's name is "Golden Shimmer of the Eastern Sahara Sunset."
I'm no' saying that down the park. I'll get set aboot!
No. His pet name is Zeus.
Zeus. Now yer talkin'!
Excuse me, Mrs Crossan, did ye only bring the one dug?
No, Mr Jarvis. Your dog's on his way up now.
I didn't want to put them in the lift together.
Oh, well obviously, aye, aye.
ALL: Ooh!
That's a...lovely wee thing. What's its name?
Onion.
Naw, naw, the, the, the big fancy breeder's name.
Onion.
Oh, no.
What?
It's Isa wi' mair cake.
Bugger that.
Thank you very much, Bobby,
those three pies were absolutely delicious.
I've never eaten as much in my whole life and I could not eat
another thing.
Put them on my tab.
Bastard.
I'm gubbed. Seven packets of scampi fries.
Smell me, I smell like the Clyde. Honkin'!
Coupla pricks!
C'mon, Bobby, I'm needin' a guinea pig. The competition's the morra.
I'm no' really cakey, I'm more savoury-y...
Help us oot, Bobby.
Dae ye no' want me to beat that gloatin' big bugger?
Too dry?
HE COUGHS
A wee bit.
What am I daein' wrang? What is it I'm daein' wrang?
Running out of time and still too dry.
What ARE you daein' wrang?
Maybe cos you're too busy on the internet calling people names?
Aye, well, you started it, didn't ye.
Aye, giein' it the biggun about how you were gonnae win it
three times in a row!
Bobby. Try the hat-trick winner.
Ladies, I don't really want to pick sides.
Try it.
Aye, no problem.
Well?
About the same.
Jack and Victor's got dugs. I'm the dug man.
If anybody's getting a dug, it should be me.
Haw!
Mornin', Winston.
What are you up tae? Nuthin'.
Were you daein' some sort of deal there?
Naw. Well...
Aye.
Ah! So what you got there?
Mary Jane? Jub Jub?
Black Eagle? Mexican mud?
What? I'm askin' if you're back on the bad stuff.
What's in the bag? Crickets.
Crickets?
Oh! Is that what the young team are smoking nooadays?
Naw, man. Smoking crickets, man!
Imagine tryin' tae light a cricket fag! Ha-ha!
Wee crickets like that - "Naawwwwwww!"
They're fur ma mate.
That is boggin'. A big manky bag full of crickets.
What are they for? Come here wi' me.
There's nothing quite like having the dugs, is there?
LAUGHTER
Better than family. You can forget your John and ma Fiona.
A dug's always by your side.
Faithful and dependable.
Unconditional love. Never judging ye.
Shame about the name, though, innit? What was yours called again?
A Golden, er...? Golden Shimmer of Eastern Sahara Sunset. What was yours called?
Onion. It's no' much of a name, is it?
Maybe you should call it Gleaming Star of Soups and Stew?
Very funny, Victor. No, I'll stick wi' Onion.
My dog's got an air of poise. Stature.
A noble bloodline.
That's the difference between a purebred and a pot licker.
You want tae get yersel' one o' them tweed hacking jackets
and a deerstalker hat. Why's that?
Because that's what all the other wankers wear at Crufts.
You want to get yersel' a wee tracksuit, Jack -
go down the estate and organise a wee fight for Onion.
My dug's a show dug.
Your dug looks like a burst ba'.
Your dug isnae even a dug - it's a donkey.
You should go doon tae Blackpool and make yourself a few quid!
Your dug looks like it fell oot of a plane.
Your dug's that big, it would take an hour to lick its own balls.
Your dug needs a gastric band.
You...
..your dug's an arsehole!
God's sake, it's bloody roasting in here!
Aye, ye need the heat. Come in here.
Gaz! We've got a visitor.
Shut the door! Keep the heat in!
HISSING Oh, what the hell is that?
That's a puff adder, man.
Bitis arietans, fae Morocco and western Arabia.
Very poisonous, so watch it doesnae chomp yer leg.
It's all right, son. It's rubber.
It's no' rubber. It's a real wan.
My leg's rubber.
Huv yer legs went rubbery cos you're shiting it?
Who's this?
This is Winston. He's...he's brand new.
Hello. You the zookeeper?
Aye. Where's ma crickets?
This is quite some collection ye've got, son.
I'm right intae exotica an' that.
I tell ye what I'd love to get - a leopard.
Ye don't know anybody wi' a leopard, dae ye?
Let me think. Leopard, leopard.
No.
Here, ye want tae see something good?
CLUCK
Oh, that's a beauty. It's the size of an ashtray!
That's yer fringed ornamental tarantula. Highly toxic venom.
Fangs, man.
What a belter. That blows a dug oot the water!
I'm mair o' a dug man.
Dugs are for dobbers.
# Climbed up the water spout... #
This one's called John - Bible John,
cos see, if John here bites ye, you're gonnae need a Bible.
Aye, you don't huv tae walk it,
doesnae keep ye up a' night wi' its barking.
200 quid.
Oof!
What about this, eh? A loan week?
A trial period? See if we get along.
Nae danger. But listen, see yer flat, keep it warm.
# ..the spout again. #
How much for a bag of crickets?
Couple o' chops. Nice chops.
Only the best for Zeus.
Bloody chops. What did ye pay for them?
Two quid. Away ye go, ya halfwit.
Oh, no, this is what ye want. Chub.
19 pence a tin out of Navid's.
Oh, aye, Onion loves it.
He's had five tins this morning already.
Aye, and he had two link sausages, two bits of toast.
Oh, and an egg that he stole aff ma plate.
Aye, only the best for ma Onion.
THEY LAUGH
Right, here we go.
Pooh!
Here ye go, Onion, boy. Oof!
GOBBLING
DOG FARTS Oh! Manners, Onion, farting like that!
Jack. That's no' a fart.
Eh? Oooooh!
Bar's shut! Bobby! Finish yer drinks!
Bobby, it's the middle of the afternoon!
I'd rather shut the shop than eat any mair cake.
Do yer talking while you're walking!
Bobby, please. The bake off's in two hours.
I've got to beat Peggy! No, I think I've got it right.
Just a wee moothfae.
That's Nirvana. Isa, ye've cracked it.
Oh, hee hee!
Tam. Eric. Shug.
It's safe. Try it.
Oh, Mummy, Daddy!
Isa, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?
Oh, be quiet, Eric!
Now, I just need to replicate that and I've got her beat.
Sweet sherry, Bobby.
A wee sherry to calm yer nerves, Isa?
Naw, an early celebration, Peggy.
Aye, right. A pint of snakebite and blackcurrant, Bobby.
All right, Winston? Are ye in to see Jack and Victor's dugs?
They're on their way doon.
Absolutely, Bobby. You know me. Dug daft.
Everybody's talking aboot it.
I'm surprised it's no' made the papers.
"Jack and Victor Get Dugs!"
Is that a note of jealousy I detect?
No, no, not at all.
Well, you have to admit, I mean,
it's no' the most inventive of ideas, is it?
Dugs are like arseholes. Everybody's got one.
What's that you've got in the bag, Winston?
What bag?
Oh.
THIS bag?
Whoa!
Is that a...
Meet Bible John.
The Fringed Ornamental Tarantula.
That's amazing, Winston!
A thing of rare beauty.
That's better than any daft dug.
It's better than two daft dugs!
This is the life, eh? This'll keep us fit!
Fit for ma' bed!
I've had to carry this lazy bastard a' the way fae the flats!
Nae luck, Jack.
Looks like I'm the one that's landed on ma feet here wi' Zeus!
CAT MEOWS
DOG BARKS
HE LAUGHS
Come on, Onion. Oh, oh...
See you shortly, Isa. I've only got two words for you.
Bake. Off.
Aye. Well, I've only got two words for you, Peggy.
The second word's "off".
But the the first one's no' "bake".
Two lagers, Bobby.
Ho-ho, look who it is! Scooby and Scrappy Doo!
Oh! A Great Dane...
..and a...haggis?
Very good, boys, but I'm afraid ye've been trumped.
Winston, show them what you've got.
It's a tarantula! Get it right up yees!
DOG BARKS
SMASHING
Oh! Oh, Victor, there it is there.
Everybody don't panic, spiders aren't poisonous!
I can assure you, this one is! Deadly!
Take oot an elephant wi' one bite! Bang!
Argh!
Capture it!
Ah! There it is! Look at the jacket on it!
It's like a fur coat! Death by chocolate, ya bastard!
Ye've missed it, ya clown!
Steady on, Jack!
It's a killer, Bobby!
Did ye get it?
Naw, but it might be pished noo!
Ooh, it's ower there.
There it is, Victor. There it goes.
ALL SHOUT
It's on the table.
There it is, Bobby.
Shhh! It's on the dartboard!
180!
It'll no' be 180 if you kill it. It'll be 200.
That's what it's worth! We need to capture this thing alive!
200? Ye'd get a good dug for that!
Ha-ha-ha! Whit's this we're playin'?
We're playing at staying alive. Winston's spider's on the loose!
Right, everybody, oot the pub!
Naw! Ye heard what Shug said, this thing's lethal!
If it gets oot, it could bite a pensioner or eat a wean or,
or kill a dug!
DOG GROANS
The spider's killed Onion!
Who ca's a dug Onion?!
Shut up, ya haufwit! This is a' your fault!
I'm sorry, Jack! I was jealous of yer dugs!
So you decided to kill them with a deadly spider, you maniac!
Calm down! Has somebody been giein this dug chocolate?
No.
The cake's away! The dug's tanned the cake!
He's no deid. He's just jammed. He's full!
I know what to dae, don't panic!
FARTING
Oh!
Oh. Thanks, son, that's brilliant!
Bobby.
Isa!
I know ye've got a terrible situation here, but I'll need to get to ma bake off.
Can ye let me oot?
Oh! Ma message bag! It's got ma recipe in it!
I'm sorry to desert ye, son. Good luck.
I'll be thinking aboot ye! I'm sure it'll turn up.
Right, yous, you've got five minutes to find this thing
and get it oot ma pub.
Winston! The crickets! It'll be hungry!
The crickets! Spiders eat crickets!
We'll lure it and we'll capture it with the crickets!
Just gie it a couple, that'll dae it!
Very nice, Mrs Clark. And what are you calling it?
Pineapple and Walnut Flan.
Hello, Mrs Drennan.
Hello.
Oh, very lovely indeed. Very moist.
And what are you calling it?
Chocolate and Peanut Butter Gateau.
Beautiful.
Mrs McAlpine?
Yes, yes, it's just coming out now!
Ugh!
And what are you calling THAT?
Spider Cake...?
So did the dugs get away all right?
Aye. The lassie came away and took them away in a van.
Aye, not before she accused me of overfeeding Onion, by the way.
Aye. She said he'd put on two stone. I mean, how could that be possible?
She might have had a point, Jack.
When the van drove away, there were sparks flying off the back bumper.
Oh, here we go.
All right, Winston?
Eh, aye.
The box smashed and wee Bible John got oot.
I'm really sorry. I'll square ye up.
Where's the other one?
Other one?
The bigger one. Peter Sutcliffe. In that box, there wis two.