1
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,280
Honolulu. That sounds amazing, son.

2
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,520
Aye, aye, Elvis, aye.

3
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,440
A luau, what's that?

4
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,360
The whole pig? Lovely.

5
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,760
The tallest waterfall in the island,
eh? Smashin'.

6
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,720
So the helicopter goes all the way
into the volcano?

7
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,600
Incredible.

8
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,480
Me? No, nothing.
Clansman. Bookie's. Jack's.

9
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,880
Tell him we're havin' a luau the
night with two bits of square

10
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,560
sausage in front of the three bars
of that electric fire!

11
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:07,720
BLOWHARD!

12
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,200
Eh? Nothing.
It's just Jack sayin', "Aloha".

13
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,160
Right, I'll let ye away.

14
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,720
If ye get two minutes, send us
a postcard.

15
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:18,800
OK, son, cheerio.

16
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:21,920
He's unbelievable.

17
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,600
That's seven years since
I've seen him.

18
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:29,360
In the last three years, he's taken
his family to Cairo, Botswana,

19
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,800
India, Tokyo and noo Hawaii.

20
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,400
But no Craiglang.

21
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:38,520
That's odd that Craiglang's no' high
on his list of dream destinations.

22
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,560
I mean, is it a pint fae Bobby,
or two cocktails

23
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,960
fae a lassie wearin' coconut shells
for a bra?

24
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,520
It's a tough choice.

25
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:47,920
And wait a minute,

26
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,440
they don't take the dugs wi' them
all the way to Hawaii, dae they?

27
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,040
Naw, the dugs get papped.

28
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,440
What, to a kennel, like?

29
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,000
No. They go to families.

30
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,960
It's a company that does it.

31
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,560
They take your dug and lend it to
a family and they're all made up

32
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,712
cos they've no' got one

33
00:02:01,737 --> 00:02:04,880
and then they play with it for a
fortnight and then gie it back.

34
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:06,440
What's that company called?

35
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:11,760
Eh... Lend a faimly yer dug for a
week or a fortnight.com.

36
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,600
Catchy(!)

37
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,640
You used to have
a dug when you were a boy, eh?

38
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,720
Aye, Micky, a wee black terrier.
Lovely.

39
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,400
It was a nippy wee bastard, though.

40
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,040
Bit my faither's pinky clean off.

41
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:27,440
He put it in a bag with two bricks
and fired it into the canal.

42
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,960
Mind you, you didnae fare much
better wi' your dug.

43
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,440
No, old George Heggie shot it sure,
wi' that Luger he had fae the war.

44
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:34,600
Three month, he got.

45
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,280
I quite fancy a dug for a fortnight,
do you no'?

46
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,160
Dugs? At oor age? Two words for you.

47
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:43,760
Billy Ferguson.

48
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,760
Oh, aye, Billy.

49
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,360
Lying deid at the back
o' the door for eight days.

50
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,320
The dug's got nuthin to eat,
except Billy.

51
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,760
Rattled right through him.

52
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,400
I'm no' ending up like that.
My organs are getting donated.

53
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,400
Well, in many respects Billy donated
his organs.

54
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,120
Tae his dug!

55
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,600
Heart, lungs, walloper.

56
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,920
I'm no' donating that organ.
Unless it's to Carol Vorderman.

57
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,600
Aye. Or Davina.

58
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:10,880
Oh, Davina.

59
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,800
Oh. That's no' happened for a
wee while!

60
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:19,440
So dae ye want tae gie this dug
thing a go, then?

61
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,640
Aye, gie it a wee go. Look intae it.

62
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,960
Yer fingers are flying there, Isa,
you're good at that.

63
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,480
I'm on the Facebook and
all that noo.

64
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,800
Ye cannae be a slow typist,
no' if you want tae be a gossip.

65
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,520
I mean, how would that work?

66
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:39,760
"T-a-m Ke-n-n-e-d-y's
c-h-e-a-t-i-n-g on his w-i-f-e."

67
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,120
That's nae use at a'.

68
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,400
It's important tae be first
with the gossip.

69
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,440
Like a good journo.

70
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,200
Are you a gossip, Isa?

71
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,720
Shut up!

72
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,240
Right.
That's the baith o' ye signed up.

73
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,440
Somebody will be roond tae see the
pair o' you the morra.

74
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,480
As soon as that?
What they coming out tae us for?

75
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,720
Well, to assess your suitability
to house the animals.

76
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,000
Suitability?

77
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,640
Aye, that yer hooses are clean and
the dugs will be in

78
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:04,920
a good environment.

79
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:07,360
That yer no' alcoholics and that.

80
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:10,880
Instead of walking the dog, yer
lying in pished in yer underpants

81
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,480
watching Pointless, eating Jaffa
Cakes out the box like a daftie.

82
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,320
Careful, Jack, she's been looking
through your letterbox again.

83
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,320
No, no, it's Storage Wars I watch.

84
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,600
THEY LAUGH

85
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:22,720
That's smashin', Isa.

86
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:23,800
Thanking you.

87
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,480
My pleasure...ya fat bastard.

88
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,400
What?

89
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,440
No, no' you - Peggy McAlpine.

90
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,960
We're messaging each other on the
computer. Trash talk.

91
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,640
She's bumming her chat that

92
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,800
she's gonnae beat me in the
community centre bake off.

93
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,200
Aye, cos I thought you were
calling me a fat bastard.

94
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,880
No! I'm saying your cakes are that
rotten, ye'll need to eat them

95
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,160
yersel', ya fat bastard.

96
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,400
Ha ha, giving to her tight,
good for you.

97
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,560
Skinny prick.

98
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,400
Is that Peggy's man, aye?

99
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,440
Naw.

100
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,400
Move.

101
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,440
Shovin'.

102
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,840
Take a bite.

103
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,200
What de ye think?

104
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,840
COUGHING

105
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,320
She says it needs a bit of work.

106
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,000
Right, that's me away.

107
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,240
Aye, nae danger, Isa.

108
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,960
Here's ma messages. Making cakes.

109
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,760
Dry runs for the bake off.

110
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,800
Butter, sugar, eggs, large.

111
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,280
When is the bake off happening?

112
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:42,040
Saturday.

113
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,360
Who's the favourite?

114
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:47,720
Och, Peggy. She won it last year
and the year before.

115
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,040
Peggy McAlpine?

116
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,080
Aye.

117
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,200
You're humped.

118
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,800
She made a cake for Meena for her
birthday last year.

119
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,360
Delicious, it was.

120
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,760
One bite and I just about
jizzed ma boxers.

121
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:03,720
Pipe doon, you. I've been training
like bloody Rocky Balboa!

122
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,000
Oh, well, give it up, Isa, huh?

123
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,040
Peggy is Muhammad Ali and you
are Joe Bugner.

124
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,680
Throw the tea towel in. It's over.

125
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,800
Aye, that's charmin', that.
I can bloody bake!

126
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,360
Thankin' you...Mrs Bugner.

127
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:20,640
Hi, Navid.

128
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,040
Wait a minute, Winston. Mick?

129
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,360
Navid?

130
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,520
What do you want?

131
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,960
Huv ye mice?

132
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,200
Here. Brown or white?

133
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,200
Doesnae matter.
As long as they're deid.

134
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,040
Of course they're deid,
they're chocolate!

135
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,760
I'm no' wanting chocolate mice,
although I do like the white ones.

136
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,440
It's actual mice I'm wanting.

137
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,520
Get out, you junkie bastard!

138
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,640
Huv ye heard the news?

139
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,760
What? Don't tell me,
Mick's back on the rubbish!

140
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,320
Oh, no. No, I hope no'.

141
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,240
No, that's a nice boy, that.
No, that's no' it.

142
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,880
I've seen the posters. Big bake off.

143
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,480
Peggy's got it in the bag.
Magic, they are.

144
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,360
It's like biting into
Lorraine Kelly's arse.

145
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,720
No, you stick to what you dae best,
Isa. Talk shite.

146
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:08,840
Don't bake shite.

147
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:12,520
I'll show yous a'.
Anyhow, that's no' the news.

148
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:13,680
Well, give me the news, then.

149
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,680
Jack and Victor are going to be
looking after dugs for a week!

150
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:20,200
Whit? Aye.
What are they wanting wi' dugs?

151
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,400
If anybody's getting
a dug, it should be me.

152
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,520
I love dugs.
I was brought up wi' dugs.

153
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,200
I've always had dugs. They used to
call me the dug man of Craiglang.

154
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,160
Aye, yer dug-daft.

155
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,480
I only wanted to tell ye
tae annoy ye.

156
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,480
Hee hee hee!

157
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,880
Mission accomplished, ya rat.

158
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:40,080
See, I applied for the dug-sitting
thing but they knocked me back

159
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,320
because of my leg.

160
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,440
Aye, right enough.

161
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,280
You cannae really take
a dog out for a nice long hop.

162
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,640
I'll hop over that coonter
and crack your jaw!

163
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,200
Sorry, I'm being rude.
What can I get you, Mr Ingram?

164
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,280
Or should I say, Mr "Dugless"?

165
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,200
Oh, a lot younger.
That was the '60s, you know.

166
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,880
Oh, aye.

167
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,240
THEY CHUCKLE

168
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,560
Well, thanks very much, Mrs Crossan,
that was very good of ye.

169
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:37,560
You both scored very highly,
absolutely no problems whatsoever.

170
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,720
I'll bring the dogs round tomorrow.
Half one?

171
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:41,960
Aye, good stuff, aye.

172
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,080
Now, I meant to say,
can I get a short-haired one?

173
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,680
I don't want to be picking up
hairs like a dumpling!

174
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,040
Can I get friendly one?
I don't want a nut sniffer.

175
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,800
That would just embarrass me.

176
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:54,280
Gentlemen - here's the thing.
It's a small company.

177
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,880
We don't have that many dogs.

178
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,240
Basically,
you get what we bring you.

179
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,720
Aye, well, we'll see ye tomorrow.
It's all very exciting.

180
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:03,760
See you tomorrow.

181
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,080
Half one.

182
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,440
Did ye get all that, Isa?

183
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,400
I did, aye. Take what ye get.

184
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,280
Dinnae want a nut sniffer, half one.

185
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,400
Think she got it all, aye.

186
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,160
Isa, do not be spreading this all
over Face Paint.

187
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,760
We want the dogs to arrive in
a peaceful environment.

188
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,000
Do ye get me?

189
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:34,240
Oh, aye, aye.
Whatever's best for the animals.

190
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,280
Thanking you.

191
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,560
HE LAUGHS

192
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:41,720
40.

193
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:42,880
What?

194
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,480
My score. What did you get?

195
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,000
44!

196
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,480
How did you get a bigger score
than me?

197
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,400
Well, maybe my place is
cleaner than yours.

198
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,480
Bollocks! I cleaned from top to
bottom yesterday,

199
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,440
ma hoover just about went on fire.

200
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,240
Aye, but maybe your space has got
a bad vibe and that would

201
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,640
agitate the wee thing.

202
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:01,120
Aye, my joint -
my joint's got the edge.

203
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,920
How's your pad got the
edge over mine?

204
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,400
Well, maybe I went down the pet
store this morning and bought

205
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:10,920
a whole load of squeaky toys and
spread them round the flat.

206
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,960
You dirty fly bastard!

207
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:16,960
Right, get the kettle on, Fido.
Whay!

208
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,360
Woof-woof!

209
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,120
"That's what to dae, Peggy,

210
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:31,680
"you just push on with your
pedestrian apple and ginger loaf."

211
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,200
Send.

212
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,920
MESSAGE ALERT

213
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,760
"It'll be better than your shitty
old chocolate cake."

214
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:44,000
Oh aye, aye, will it, Peggy?
Aye, we'll see aboot that!

215
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:51,080
"It'll no' just be any old chocolate
cake, Peggy, will it?

216
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:55,120
"There will also be other
ingredients

217
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,360
"but they shall remain a secret.

218
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,960
"Ya cow."

219
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,440
Send.

220
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,640
"That'll be the first secret
you've ever..."

221
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,800
"Why don't you get yourself to
fu..."

222
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,160
Oh, it's half one!

223
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,680
Hello, Tam.
Yous a' up tae see the dugs, aye?

224
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,880
ALL CHAT EXCITEDLY

225
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,280
Excuse me. God's sake!

226
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,720
Isa! What the...

227
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,280
I never said a word.

228
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:31,960
ALL: Aye, ye did. It was your idea.

229
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,280
Look, weesht. Right,
do yous know what yous are daein'?

230
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,680
It's a very expensive thing,
running a dug.

231
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,080
Ye cannot put a price on
companionship, Tam.

232
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,400
Well said, Jack.

233
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,440
ELEVATOR PINGS

234
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:44,880
Here we are.

235
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:51,240
TAM: Aye, ye can. That looks aboot
70 quid a week in grub tae me.

236
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,600
Mr McDade.

237
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,360
Oot the road, there.

238
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,760
Oi, God's sake!
Here, I've no' even had a clap yet!

239
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,760
Get back! What's its name, love?

240
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:05,760
The breeder's name is "Golden Shimmer
of the Eastern Sahara Sunset."

241
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,880
I'm no' saying that down the park.
I'll get set aboot!

242
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,520
No. His pet name is Zeus.

243
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,520
Zeus. Now yer talkin'!

244
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:20,680
Excuse me, Mrs Crossan,
did ye only bring the one dug?

245
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,640
No, Mr Jarvis.
Your dog's on his way up now.

246
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,000
I didn't want to put them in
the lift together.

247
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,440
Oh, well obviously, aye, aye.

248
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:29,800
ALL: Ooh!

249
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,800
That's a...lovely wee thing.
What's its name?

250
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,480
Onion.

251
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,960
Naw, naw, the, the,
the big fancy breeder's name.

252
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,240
Onion.

253
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:58,320
Oh, no.

254
00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,360
What?

255
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,480
It's Isa wi' mair cake.

256
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,120
Bugger that.

257
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,120
Thank you very much, Bobby,

258
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,720
those three pies were
absolutely delicious.

259
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,800
I've never eaten as much in my whole
life and I could not eat

260
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,040
another thing.

261
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,480
Put them on my tab.

262
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,560
Bastard.

263
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,440
I'm gubbed.
Seven packets of scampi fries.

264
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,960
Smell me, I smell like the Clyde.
Honkin'!

265
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,320
Coupla pricks!

266
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:28,720
C'mon, Bobby, I'm needin' a guinea
pig. The competition's the morra.

267
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,920
I'm no' really cakey,
I'm more savoury-y...

268
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:33,920
Help us oot, Bobby.

269
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,600
Dae ye no' want me to beat that
gloatin' big bugger?

270
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,000
Too dry?

271
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,320
HE COUGHS

272
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,880
A wee bit.

273
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,640
What am I daein' wrang?
What is it I'm daein' wrang?

274
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,840
Running out of time
and still too dry.

275
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,640
What ARE you daein' wrang?

276
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,560
Maybe cos you're too busy on the
internet calling people names?

277
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,160
Aye, well, you started it,
didn't ye.

278
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,680
Aye, giein' it the biggun about how
you were gonnae win it

279
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,560
three times in a row!

280
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:25,480
Bobby. Try the hat-trick winner.

281
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,640
Ladies, I don't really want
to pick sides.

282
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,000
Try it.

283
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,880
Aye, no problem.

284
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,400
Well?

285
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,680
About the same.

286
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,760
Jack and Victor's got dugs.
I'm the dug man.

287
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,360
I'm the dug man.

288
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,200
If anybody's getting
a dug, it should be me.

289
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,080
Haw!

290
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:17,200
Mornin', Winston.

291
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,480
What are you up tae? Nuthin'.

292
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,480
Were you daein' some sort of
deal there?

293
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,160
Naw. Well...

294
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,400
Aye.

295
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,920
Ah! So what you got there?

296
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,640
Mary Jane? Jub Jub?

297
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,320
Black Eagle? Mexican mud?

298
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:38,400
What? I'm askin'
if you're back on the bad stuff.

299
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,600
What's in the bag? Crickets.

300
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,120
Crickets?

301
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:46,240
Oh! Is that what the young team
are smoking nooadays?

302
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,440
Naw, man. Smoking crickets, man!

303
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,320
Imagine tryin' tae light
a cricket fag! Ha-ha!

304
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,680
Wee crickets like that -
"Naawwwwwww!"

305
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,040
They're fur ma mate.

306
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,040
That is boggin'.
A big manky bag full of crickets.

307
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,040
What are they for? Come here wi' me.

308
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,880
There's nothing quite like having
the dugs, is there?

309
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,320
LAUGHTER

310
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,480
Better than family. You can forget
your John and ma Fiona.

311
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,480
A dug's always by your side.

312
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,520
Faithful and dependable.

313
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,960
Unconditional love.
Never judging ye.

314
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:28,360
Shame about the name, though, innit?
What was yours called again?

315
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:33,680
A Golden, er...? Golden Shimmer of Eastern
Sahara Sunset. What was yours called?

316
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,920
Onion. It's no' much of a name,
is it?

317
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:40,280
Maybe you should call it
Gleaming Star of Soups and Stew?

318
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,920
Very funny, Victor.
No, I'll stick wi' Onion.

319
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,360
My dog's got an air of poise.
Stature.

320
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,480
A noble bloodline.

321
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:54,080
That's the difference between
a purebred and a pot licker.

322
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,880
You want tae get yersel' one
o' them tweed hacking jackets

323
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,160
and a deerstalker hat. Why's that?

324
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:03,000
Because that's what all the other
wankers wear at Crufts.

325
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,080
You want to get yersel'
a wee tracksuit, Jack -

326
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,200
go down the estate and organise
a wee fight for Onion.

327
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,280
My dug's a show dug.

328
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,920
Your dug looks like a burst ba'.

329
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,160
Your dug isnae even a dug -
it's a donkey.

330
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,920
You should go doon tae Blackpool
and make yourself a few quid!

331
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,840
Your dug looks like it fell
oot of a plane.

332
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,280
Your dug's that big, it would
take an hour to lick its own balls.

333
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,560
Your dug needs a gastric band.

334
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:26,680
You...

335
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,800
..your dug's an arsehole!

336
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,160
God's sake,
it's bloody roasting in here!

337
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,640
Aye, ye need the heat.
Come in here.

338
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,920
Gaz! We've got a visitor.

339
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,720
Shut the door! Keep the heat in!

340
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,880
HISSING
Oh, what the hell is that?

341
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,560
That's a puff adder, man.

342
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:54,000
Bitis arietans,
fae Morocco and western Arabia.

343
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,480
Very poisonous,
so watch it doesnae chomp yer leg.

344
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,280
It's all right, son. It's rubber.

345
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,960
It's no' rubber. It's a real wan.

346
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,560
My leg's rubber.

347
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,480
Huv yer legs went rubbery
cos you're shiting it?

348
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:07,720
Who's this?

349
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,320
This is Winston.
He's...he's brand new.

350
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,040
Hello. You the zookeeper?

351
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,160
Aye. Where's ma crickets?

352
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,600
This is quite some
collection ye've got, son.

353
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,360
I'm right intae exotica an' that.

354
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:28,840
I tell ye what I'd love to get -
a leopard.

355
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,520
Ye don't know anybody wi'
a leopard, dae ye?

356
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,560
Let me think. Leopard, leopard.

357
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,000
No.

358
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:43,040
Here,
ye want tae see something good?

359
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,200
CLUCK

360
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,400
Oh, that's a beauty.
It's the size of an ashtray!

361
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:55,400
That's yer fringed ornamental
tarantula. Highly toxic venom.

362
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,280
Fangs, man.

363
00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,960
What a belter.
That blows a dug oot the water!

364
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,880
I'm mair o' a dug man.

365
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,120
Dugs are for dobbers.

366
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,480
# Climbed up the water spout... #

367
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,560
This one's called John - Bible John,

368
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,720
cos see, if John here bites ye,
you're gonnae need a Bible.

369
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,200
Aye, you don't huv tae walk it,

370
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,040
doesnae keep ye up a'
night wi' its barking.

371
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,560
200 quid.

372
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,680
Oof!

373
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,320
What about this, eh?
A loan week?

374
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,800
A trial period? See if we get along.

375
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:39,160
Nae danger. But listen,
see yer flat, keep it warm.

376
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,720
# ..the spout again. #

377
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,280
How much for a bag of crickets?

378
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,480
Couple o' chops. Nice chops.

379
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,280
Only the best for Zeus.

380
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,160
Bloody chops.
What did ye pay for them?

381
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,280
Two quid. Away ye go, ya halfwit.

382
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,240
Oh, no, this is what ye want. Chub.

383
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,200
19 pence a tin out of Navid's.

384
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,000
Oh, aye, Onion loves it.

385
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,080
He's had five tins
this morning already.

386
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,480
Aye, and he had two link sausages,
two bits of toast.

387
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,840
Oh, and an egg that
he stole aff ma plate.

388
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,880
Aye, only the best for ma Onion.

389
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,760
THEY LAUGH

390
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,200
Right, here we go.

391
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,360
Pooh!

392
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,560
Here ye go, Onion, boy. Oof!

393
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,240
GOBBLING

394
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:34,440
DOG FARTS
Oh! Manners, Onion, farting like that!

395
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,240
Jack. That's no' a fart.

396
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,160
Eh? Oooooh!

397
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,440
Bar's shut! Bobby!
Finish yer drinks!

398
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,600
Bobby,
it's the middle of the afternoon!

399
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,480
I'd rather shut the shop
than eat any mair cake.

400
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,120
Do yer talking while you're walking!

401
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,880
Bobby, please.
The bake off's in two hours.

402
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,480
I've got to beat Peggy!
No, I think I've got it right.

403
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:03,640
Just a wee moothfae.

404
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:24,040
That's Nirvana.
Isa, ye've cracked it.

405
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,400
Oh, hee hee!

406
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,040
Tam. Eric. Shug.

407
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:32,760
It's safe. Try it.

408
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:41,600
Oh, Mummy, Daddy!

409
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,600
Isa, would you do me
the honour of becoming my wife?

410
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,640
Oh, be quiet, Eric!

411
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:58,480
Now, I just need to replicate that
and I've got her beat.

412
00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,840
Sweet sherry, Bobby.

413
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,440
A wee sherry to calm yer nerves,
Isa?

414
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:08,160
Naw, an early celebration, Peggy.

415
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:13,360
Aye, right. A pint of snakebite and
blackcurrant, Bobby.

416
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:16,520
All right, Winston? Are ye in to see
Jack and Victor's dugs?

417
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:17,600
They're on their way doon.

418
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,600
Absolutely, Bobby.
You know me. Dug daft.

419
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,000
Everybody's talking aboot it.

420
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,840
I'm surprised it's
no' made the papers.

421
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,880
"Jack and Victor Get Dugs!"

422
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,440
Is that a note of jealousy I detect?

423
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,120
No, no, not at all.

424
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,920
Well, you have to admit, I mean,

425
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,080
it's no' the most inventive of
ideas, is it?

426
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,560
Dugs are like arseholes.
Everybody's got one.

427
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,120
What's that you've got in the bag,
Winston?

428
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,160
What bag?

429
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:43,760
Oh.

430
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:44,800
THIS bag?

431
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,920
Whoa!

432
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,280
Is that a...

433
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,520
Meet Bible John.

434
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,080
The Fringed Ornamental Tarantula.

435
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,520
That's amazing, Winston!

436
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:00,960
A thing of rare beauty.

437
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,400
That's better than any daft dug.

438
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:04,360
It's better than two daft dugs!

439
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,720
This is the life, eh?
This'll keep us fit!

440
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,720
Fit for ma' bed!

441
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,480
I've had to carry this lazy bastard
a' the way fae the flats!

442
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:19,240
Nae luck, Jack.

443
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,960
Looks like I'm the one that's landed
on ma feet here wi' Zeus!

444
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,000
CAT MEOWS

445
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,040
DOG BARKS

446
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,840
HE LAUGHS

447
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,920
Come on, Onion. Oh, oh...

448
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:38,000
See you shortly, Isa.
I've only got two words for you.

449
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,440
Bake. Off.

450
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,840
Aye. Well, I've only got two
words for you, Peggy.

451
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,520
The second word's "off".

452
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,240
But the the first one's no' "bake".

453
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,880
Two lagers, Bobby.

454
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:59,240
Ho-ho, look who it is!
Scooby and Scrappy Doo!

455
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,520
Oh! A Great Dane...

456
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,320
..and a...haggis?

457
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,400
Very good, boys,
but I'm afraid ye've been trumped.

458
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,280
Winston, show them what you've got.

459
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,880
It's a tarantula!
Get it right up yees!

460
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,120
DOG BARKS

461
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:20,920
SMASHING

462
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,440
Oh! Oh, Victor, there it is there.

463
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,520
Everybody don't panic,
spiders aren't poisonous!

464
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,760
I can assure you, this one is!
Deadly!

465
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,200
Take oot an elephant wi' one bite!
Bang!

466
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,760
Argh!

467
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,440
Capture it!

468
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,600
Ah! There it is!
Look at the jacket on it!

469
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,960
It's like a fur coat!
Death by chocolate, ya bastard!

470
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,360
Ye've missed it, ya clown!

471
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,520
Steady on, Jack!

472
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,320
It's a killer, Bobby!

473
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,640
Did ye get it?

474
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,040
Naw, but it might be pished noo!

475
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:52,520
Ooh, it's ower there.

476
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,360
There it is, Victor. There it goes.

477
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:55,800
ALL SHOUT

478
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,880
It's on the table.

479
00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,680
There it is, Bobby.

480
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:03,320
Shhh! It's on the dartboard!

481
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,160
180!

482
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:15,720
It'll no' be 180 if you kill it.
It'll be 200.

483
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,720
That's what it's worth!
We need to capture this thing alive!

484
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,960
200? Ye'd get a good dug for that!

485
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,600
Ha-ha-ha! Whit's this we're playin'?

486
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:28,600
We're playing at staying alive.
Winston's spider's on the loose!

487
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,520
Right, everybody, oot the pub!

488
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:34,280
Naw! Ye heard what Shug said,
this thing's lethal!

489
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,640
If it gets oot, it could bite
a pensioner or eat a wean or,

490
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:38,680
or kill a dug!

491
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,000
DOG GROANS

492
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,200
The spider's killed Onion!

493
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,640
Who ca's a dug Onion?!

494
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,840
Shut up, ya haufwit!
This is a' your fault!

495
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:51,840
I'm sorry, Jack!
I was jealous of yer dugs!

496
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,200
So you decided to kill them with
a deadly spider, you maniac!

497
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,640
Calm down! Has somebody been giein
this dug chocolate?

498
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,840
No.

499
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,280
The cake's away!
The dug's tanned the cake!

500
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:05,280
He's no deid.
He's just jammed. He's full!

501
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,360
I know what to dae, don't panic!

502
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,120
FARTING

503
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,200
Oh!

504
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,240
Oh!

505
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:17,840
Oh. Thanks, son, that's brilliant!

506
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:18,960
Bobby.

507
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,000
Isa!

508
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,840
I know ye've got a terrible situation
here, but I'll need to get to ma bake off.

509
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,360
Can ye let me oot?

510
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:32,880
Oh! Ma message bag!
It's got ma recipe in it!

511
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,120
I'm sorry to desert ye, son.
Good luck.

512
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,120
I'll be thinking aboot ye!
I'm sure it'll turn up.

513
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:50,280
Right, yous, you've got five
minutes to find this thing

514
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,640
and get it oot ma pub.

515
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,840
Winston! The crickets!
It'll be hungry!

516
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,040
The crickets! Spiders eat crickets!

517
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,840
We'll lure it and we'll capture it
with the crickets!

518
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,920
Just gie it a couple,
that'll dae it!

519
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,520
Very nice, Mrs Clark.
And what are you calling it?

520
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,120
Pineapple and Walnut Flan.

521
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,280
Hello, Mrs Drennan.

522
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:22,400
Hello.

523
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,800
Oh, very lovely indeed. Very moist.

524
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,560
And what are you calling it?

525
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,480
Chocolate and Peanut Butter Gateau.

526
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:34,520
Beautiful.

527
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:40,640
Mrs McAlpine?

528
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,920
Yes, yes, it's just coming out now!

529
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:44,960
Ugh!

530
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,720
And what are you calling THAT?

531
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:52,320
Spider Cake...?

532
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:24,120
So did the dugs get away all right?

533
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:26,360
Aye. The lassie came away and took
them away in a van.

534
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:29,720
Aye, not before she accused
me of overfeeding Onion, by the way.

535
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,320
Aye. She said he'd put on two stone.
I mean, how could that be possible?

536
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,160
She might have had a point, Jack.

537
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:38,160
When the van drove away, there were
sparks flying off the back bumper.

538
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,560
Oh, here we go.

539
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:42,800
All right, Winston?

540
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:43,840
Eh, aye.

541
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,560
The box smashed and wee Bible John
got oot.

542
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:54,000
I'm really sorry. I'll square ye up.

543
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,320
Where's the other one?

544
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:57,840
Other one?

545
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,200
The bigger one. Peter Sutcliffe.
In that box, there wis two.