1 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,040 Come on. One of yous. 2 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,320 Two weeks, eh? Three, tops. 3 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,480 For the last time, Winston, no! Come on! 4 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,240 The place the council are putting me in is a toilet. 5 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:47,240 I told them. I said, "I'm no' bothered about asbestos. 6 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,760 "I used to have it in my pieces when I worked in the shipyards," 7 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,720 but the council are like that, "Naw, oot!" 8 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,240 Too old for a flatmate, Winston. It's a non starter. 9 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,200 I could tolerate you for...an hour. 10 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:58,640 Oh, thanks. 11 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,000 Victor's right, Winston. 12 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,680 Let me paint you a picture. 13 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,520 Me in my jammies eating a nice bowl of cornflakes. 14 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,720 Yum-yum, munchy-munchy. 15 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,160 You - "Oh, I'm just going to slip this leg off. 16 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,760 "Let the air get round about my stinking stump." 17 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,280 Me - "Bleurgh!" 18 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,880 Cornflakes doon the nose and up the wall. 19 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,160 It's a bad picture. 20 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,760 And it's a picture we are not about to paint. 21 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,360 Right! Who wants a drink? 22 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,720 Are you buying, like? No. 23 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,200 Then why are you asking, does anybody want a drink, then? 24 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,680 Because this is a bar... 25 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,640 ..no' a care home. 26 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:33,960 That's a pity, Boabby, 27 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,120 because I was toying with the idea of shiting myself 28 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,800 and getting you to wipe my arsehole. 29 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,600 Like a big, daft nurse! 30 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,960 Are yous wanting a drink, or whit? 31 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,680 If we want a drink, we'll pull the cord. 32 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,640 Ting-ting! 33 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,520 Nurse! Oh, and could you 34 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,200 pour the drink into my mouth for me, 35 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:53,040 because I'm too feeble to lift the tumbler. 36 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:54,560 Haud on, Nurse, I'm needing a pish! 37 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,360 Oh, forget it. It's too late. 38 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:01,040 Ordinarily, I might have sniggered at that patter, 39 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,440 but then I look at my till. 40 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,360 16 lousy quid, and I've been in here since the crack of dawn. 41 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,240 It doesn't even cover the leccy on that puggie. 42 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,880 BEEPING 43 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:13,040 ALL LAUGH 44 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:14,720 COINS JANGLE 45 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,880 16 quid, tae! It's almost poetic. 46 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,360 Even the puggie gods are taking the piss out of you, Boabby. 47 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,600 Hello, Navid. Oh! Isa. 48 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,920 Is that you back frae the cash-and-carry? 49 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,560 It is, aye. 50 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,200 Do you want a hand emptying the van? 51 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,800 No, thank you. No. 52 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,080 No, course you don't, eh? 53 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,800 Something in there you don't want me to see? 54 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,200 No. Open it up, then. 55 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,520 It's open. Have a look yourself. 56 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,440 SHE CHUCKLES 57 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,080 HE SIGHS 58 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:55,480 DOOR CLOSES 59 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,720 It's just full of sweeties, tea bags and bog rolls. 60 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,360 Aye. I think I know what this is about. 61 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,160 How do you mean? It's about your birthday on Saturday, isn't it? 62 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:06,720 Maybe. 63 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,520 72. 64 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,160 It's no biggie. 65 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,800 Do you know what I got for my 72th? What? 66 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,560 "Hee" wrapped in "haw." 67 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,480 But now you're wanting to find out if I'm throwing you 68 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,240 a surprise party. Naw. 69 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,680 Naw! 70 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,240 Aye! Are you? 71 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,840 No. 72 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,240 Isa, when was the last time you had a surprise party? 73 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,800 Eh... 74 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,600 I've never had one. 75 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,680 Because you are impossible to surprise 76 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,920 on account of your nosy-bastard-ness. 77 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,800 Anybody who has ever tried has failed. 78 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,360 You are chemically intolerant to surprise. 79 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,560 You see, a surprise party brings pleasure 80 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,480 to both the giver and the receiver. 81 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,080 But you cannae have that. 82 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,000 You have to know what is going on. 83 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,520 It's a tragedy... 84 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:03,840 ..of Greek proportions. 85 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,320 Naw. Haud on noo. 86 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,680 I did have a surprise party. 87 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,480 My 65th. 88 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,280 You organised it! 89 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,640 DOOR CLOSES 90 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:18,680 KEYS CLATTER 91 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,240 ALL: Surprise! 92 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,520 My, what a lovely surprise. 93 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,080 Where's my drink? 94 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:28,800 POPPER BANGS 95 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,360 I cannae help myself. 96 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,440 I weep for you, Isa. 97 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,360 To live one's life without surprise... 98 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,480 Maserati Quattroporte. 99 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,840 3-litre, twin turbo, V6. 100 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,880 Approaching from Kinellar Drive. Yeah. 101 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,080 CAR ENGINE ROARS 102 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,720 CAR DRAWS UP OUTSIDE 103 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,720 CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES 104 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,080 THEY CHUCKLE 105 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,560 Oh, Derek Fry. 106 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,960 You know him, like? Aye. 107 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,400 Wanker. 108 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,280 Went to school wi' him. 109 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,760 Was it a school specifically for wankers? 110 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,640 Wanker High?! 111 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,720 Oh, he's coming in, Boabby. 112 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,040 Aye, nae doubt. 113 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:24,000 Every time he gets a new motor, he's just "passing by." 114 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:29,600 Hello, Derek. Just passing, were you? 115 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,480 Indeed, Roberto, my man. Just picking up my new wheels. 116 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:36,080 Hmm. Still got that place in the town? Aye. 117 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,200 Big Fry'n'Macs. Hand over fist, Boabby. Mental. 118 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:43,880 I see you're still in the funeral business. 119 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,680 HE LAUGHS 120 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,240 That's a good one, Derek. 121 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,680 Aye. 122 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,760 This place is actually doing no' bad. 123 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,680 Boabby, I've been a wee bit unwell in my troosers. 124 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:59,840 You might want to take a damp cloth to that stool, an' all. 125 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,320 BLARING RINGTONE 126 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,560 Hello? I'm in Craiglang. Just popped in to see an old pal. 127 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,800 Hey? 128 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,040 Aye, it's like a graveyard. 129 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,360 The walking dead, aye. 130 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,080 I'll sort that out on the way back to the shop. 131 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,520 Just order another 200. 132 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,160 Got to dash, Boabby. I'll see you soon. 133 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,840 Who was that walloper? 134 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,760 Oh, he's a smart walloper. Huh! A smart walloper. 135 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,800 Wee walloper wi' a shirt and tie on. 136 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,800 Round his wee neck, wee blazer on it. 137 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,840 "Look at me, I'm a smart wee walloper." 138 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:40,240 What's so smart about him? 139 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,040 He's got the Midas touch. 140 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,920 Bought this manky old boozer in Finnieston, turned it round. 141 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,480 Now he charges eight-and-a-hauf quid a burger, 142 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,120 and all the West End wankers are queuing up to pay it. 143 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:54,160 "Hoo-hoo! There's gold in them there West End wankers!" 144 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,080 Eight-and-a-half quid for a burger? 145 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,920 THEY LAUGH 146 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,040 ENGINE RUNNING 147 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:05,400 Derek! Mate! 148 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:11,280 Could I hook up with you tomorrow and pick your brains? 149 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,720 Ah! Eric. Just the very fella. 150 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,120 Naw! Oh, come on! 151 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,760 You wouldn't see an old pal homeless. I would, aye. 152 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,840 You've seen my flat. There's no' enough room to swing a cat... 153 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,960 ..which you did one night pished. Wee mitten still isnae right. 154 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,960 Their tongues aren't meant to stick out like that all the time. 155 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,720 Aye. Sorry. 156 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,920 So, there's nae room at the inn, then? 157 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:42,120 That's right, Joseph. You'll need to find a stable somewhere else. 158 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:44,720 Just this, Navid. 159 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:49,280 Oh! "Happy birthday". Who could that be for? 160 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,680 You! I tell you what. Do you know what to do? 161 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,880 You take that card and you fill it out yourself. 162 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,560 Put something nice in it, mind, cos I'm fresh out of nice. 163 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,600 Oh, naw. Naw, wait and gie it to us on Saturday. 164 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,120 What's happening on Saturday? 165 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,920 Eh...what is happening on Saturday, eh? 166 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,200 Hee-hee! 167 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,120 # It's a wee mystery! # 168 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,520 I'll be pullin' ma plug to the women's tennis on Saturday. 169 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,120 You're more than welcome to join me, if you like. 170 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,320 Hey! I tried to throw you a party. 171 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,760 Right, as soon as she comes through that door, 172 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,680 everybody, "Happy birthday, Isa." 173 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,040 Aye, happy birthday, Isa. Happy birthday, Isa. 174 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,440 Happy birthday, Isa. 175 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,640 ISA: Happy birthday, Isa. Hee-hee-hee! 176 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,280 Isa, you bastard. Put that light up. 177 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,880 ALL MURMUR 178 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,880 What's happened to you? 179 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,440 State of the place. 180 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:49,960 It's all changed. 181 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,760 All changed to buggery. 182 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,000 4.50. That's no' a pint. 183 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,720 That's for a bottle or a wee, daft hauf. 184 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:00,800 Tablecloths, and people I don't know! 185 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,240 The food? The food? 186 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,600 West End garbage. 187 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,160 Roasted pine nuts. 188 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,920 A thing they call rocket. 189 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:11,760 Couscous, by Christ! 190 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,560 Stop. Breathe. You're OK. 191 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,200 Oot the road. 192 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,640 Don't go in there. 193 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,840 It's mad. 194 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,920 I mean, what even is pulled pork? 195 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:23,480 It sounds like a porno movie. 196 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,440 What's wrong with a slice o' gammon? 197 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,720 Nothing. 198 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,160 That's what's wrong with it. 199 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,960 Nothing! 200 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,800 Oh, look who it is. 201 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,200 And here we go. 202 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,000 Jack and Victor. 203 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,720 What can I get yous? 204 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,400 Nae burn? 205 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,440 Are yous here to pay your final respects to the Clansman? 206 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,600 You're too late. 207 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,400 GENTLE CONVERSATION 208 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,960 Two pints of lager, Boabby, please. 209 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,240 No, we don't do pints any more. 210 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,720 Only bottles. A fine selection. 211 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,160 There's a couple of menus. The specials are on the board. 212 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,400 That's Thai lemon grass soup, aubergine frittata 213 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,040 and roast duck and pilau rice. 214 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,240 BOTH: What?! 215 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,680 Nae pies? We dae a pie, aye. 216 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,000 It's Edam and asparagus with rosemary. 217 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,040 See that frottata... 218 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,840 ..and your aubergine... 219 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,480 ..and the soup with the grass in it, 220 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,080 tell Rosemary to stick it right up her arse. 221 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,760 Rosemary's no' the cook. 222 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,360 It's a herb. 223 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,520 Well, maybe you never herb us. Two pints! 224 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,520 I've already telt you. 225 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,760 We don't do pints any more. 226 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,440 We do bottles of beer and nice food. 227 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,320 We are trying to attract a better class of clientele. 228 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,200 And yous aren't it. 229 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,840 So we've to stand here like a couple of hairdressers, 230 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,800 drinking bottled beer and eating manky pies? 231 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,200 Right, sling your hook. 232 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,040 To where? I don't know. 233 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,360 Park Mill. Aye. 234 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,320 Decades of patronage, huh, and this is what we get! 235 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,000 Swept oot the door! Highland Clearances. 236 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,640 Turfed oot! 237 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,320 Come on, boys, it was long overdue. 238 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,080 Don't be like that. 239 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,960 Take a couple of bottles of beer. 240 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,600 Nae hard feelings, huh? 241 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,600 Fine. 242 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,720 Nine quid. 243 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,160 BOTH: What?! 244 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,360 Nine quid? 245 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,200 Nine quid, you robbing bastard. 246 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,800 Do you get your hole included in the price, as well? 247 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,080 Right, oot! 248 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,800 You should be wearing a mask and a stripy jersey, 249 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,600 you arsehole highwayman! 250 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:41,720 Sorry. 251 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,600 Ah, hello, Peggy. Flump? 252 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:47,960 Who are you calling a flump? 253 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,760 No, I'm saying, "Do you want a flump?" Oh. Aye. 254 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,440 They're horrible. 255 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,240 No' very flumpy, are they? 256 00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,480 Aye, well, they wouldn't be. 257 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,080 Three years they've been sitting there with the lid off them. 258 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,600 I'm trying to free up the space. 259 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,360 This is prime sweetie real estate. See this area here? 260 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,800 In sweetie land, this is Mayfair. 261 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,760 So, help us out, take them all. 262 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,640 No, you're all right. 263 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:16,960 Listen, you've no' got such a thing as party hats, have you? 264 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,560 Party hats? Par... Aye, I do! 265 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,440 So, who's having a party? 266 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,960 Just a kids' party at the community centre. 267 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,360 Boabby's lost the plot. 268 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,840 End of days. 269 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,280 Bar-mageddon. 270 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:44,600 Winston, I heard about you have to be out your flat. 271 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,880 Hmm. I just wanted you to know 272 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,960 there's always a place for you at mine. 273 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,880 Really? Are you serious? 274 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,280 35 quid a night. 275 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,800 For that, you get your breakfast. Uncooked. Frosties, or some such. 276 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,720 And, for a supplementary three quid, you'll get an electric blanket. 277 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,720 As long as you pay part of the electric bill. 278 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,280 Away you go, you rat bastard. 279 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,400 So, it's came to this, eh? 280 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,160 Well, beggars cannae be choosers. 281 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,200 Listen, I'm not advocating a return to the Clansman. 282 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,760 That ship has sailed. 283 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,640 Are you sure about this place? 284 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,960 Look, we're four seasoned men. 285 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,360 We've seen our fair share of the rough stuff. 286 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,080 How bad can it be, eh? 287 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,080 We could always go in for one! 288 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,920 DRILLING 289 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,040 CHUCKLES Shug, you are the man! 290 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,920 You've done me a right turn here. Aye. 291 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:19,440 20 years in the special services. Never leaves you. 292 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,680 SWITCH CLICKS 293 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,480 Och! 294 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,880 Nae power. Nae worries. I'll fix that. 295 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,360 And I'll get a wee heater for you, and all. 296 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,160 Eh? Magic! 297 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,920 None of that! 298 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,240 Are you wanting busted? Eh? 299 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,720 Oh, aye! Aye. Soft feet from now on. 300 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,480 Right. 301 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,920 Well, soft foot, anyway. 302 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,080 This is very kind of you, Isa. You're more than welcome, boys. 303 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,880 Feels like we're homeless, you know? 304 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,360 Turfed oot our own pub. Ach, well. 305 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,840 You're always welcome here. More peas? 306 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,800 Oh, aye. Aye. Lovely. 307 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,280 There you are, Victor. 308 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,120 You know me, I always make more than I need. 309 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,560 Here, I was watching a film the other night, 310 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,120 Medieval. Oh, smashing. 311 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:13,040 The Queen was waiting for news, 312 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,960 and the knight turned up on his horse and told her 313 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,920 everything she needed to know. 314 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,360 About what? 315 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,960 Peggy McAlpine! 316 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,760 So the knight in this medieval film was telling the Queen 317 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,280 about Peggy McAlpine? 318 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,760 Naw! 319 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,240 I need to know about Peggy McAlpine. 320 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,200 She was in Navid's buying party hats and the like. 321 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,800 Is this about your birthday? 322 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:41,440 Uh-huh. And whether or not anybody's going to throw you a surprise? 323 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,920 Yes, indeed. 324 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,760 Let me say this right now, Isa. 325 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,720 As good as that steak pie was, it's no' happening. 326 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:53,520 We've all tried before and we've all been found out. 327 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,760 You'll remember when Eric was tasked with this, 328 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,800 and you held his head underneath the boating pond until he coughed up 329 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:03,800 the truth, and four baggy minnies, and also a used johnny bag. 330 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,560 Of course I mind it. 331 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,840 I went a wee bit over the top there, I'll grant you. 332 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,520 It's not worth it to anybody. 333 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,720 You know I don't dae surprises. 334 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,280 So I'm gonnae ask yous... one more time... 335 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,800 What's with the Stasi pish? 336 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,160 This is a bridge too far. 337 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,640 You've broken and entered into Boabby's flat. 338 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,440 This isnae Boabby's flat. 339 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,040 Naebody's lived in this flat for about 30 year. 340 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,440 I see the last tenant was a bird. 341 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,160 Stick a couple of totties and an onion round that, 342 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,720 you'd be sorted. Shut up. 343 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,920 A couple of days. He's none the wiser. 344 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,760 Then I'll be back in my ain hoose. 345 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,960 Look at us, the lost boys with nowhere to go. 346 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,640 I'm just glad to be away frae Isa's. 347 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,800 That's what it must have been like in Guantanamo. 348 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,800 That slap she gave me would have made Marvin Hagler weep. 349 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,200 KNOCKING ON WINDOW 350 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,320 Hey-ho. 351 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,680 What's the caper here? What's the matter with your face? 352 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,760 Eh? Oh, we were just over at Isa's for some steak pie and a beating. 353 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,400 Hey? 354 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,240 She's convinced that one of us is throwing her a surprise party 355 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,720 and she's on the warpath to find out about it. 356 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,720 Either of you organised something? 357 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,320 BOTH: No! Good. Well, stay out her road, then. 358 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,120 Right, who's wanting a beer? 359 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,280 Aye. 360 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,640 You all right, team? Shug! 361 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,560 I bring fire. 362 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,920 Have you ever noticed that a tin of beer is the ugly sister 363 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,840 to the pub-poured pint? 364 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,360 Hmm. Or the optic-dispensed dram. Correct. 365 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,160 But my question is, why is that? 366 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,480 Oh, I can tell you why that is, aye. 367 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,840 See, the pub is the hub. I go in, and they're like, 368 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,160 "Hey, there, Jack. You're looking good, baby." 369 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,040 And I'm like, "Well, thanks," you know? You've got to make an effort. 370 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,800 "Hi, Des. How are you doing, Tony?" 371 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:22,680 Who the hell's Des and Tony? Well, you'll need to roll with me on that. 372 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,120 What I'm saying is, the pub, 373 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:26,480 it's where it's at, man, you know what I mean? 374 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,000 It's like that comedy programme, Cheers - 375 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,600 the place where everybody knows your name... 376 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,400 ..is Jack. 377 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:37,760 It's great to walk in and see all the old familiar faces. 378 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,800 Aye, and tap one of them for a 20. 379 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,760 Aye, you cannae beat a pint out the pub. 380 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,160 Boabby stitched us up. 381 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,240 He's took our only pleasure off us. 382 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,480 Ssh! Ssh! 383 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,840 The shutter is down. 384 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,200 Boabby has left the building. 385 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,320 Shug, let Operation Eskimo commence. 386 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,840 DRILLING 387 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,720 There, look. 388 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,400 Come on, Shug. 389 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:37,560 That you got a bite? Aye. 390 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,080 And it's a whopper, Jack! 391 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,120 There it is, there it is! 392 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,960 THEY CHEER 393 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,560 You beauty! 394 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,800 LAUGHTER 395 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,080 Isa? 396 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,480 Yes, Navid? 397 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,320 Happy birthday. 398 00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,440 Aw. 399 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:00,960 TRANSLATION: 400 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,360 You ate all the good ones, you greedy bastard! 401 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,880 Here, why don't you keep that and gie me it tonight? 402 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,840 Tonight? Aye. At the party! 403 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,120 Still with this? Get off that track, Isa. 404 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,880 There is a disappointment train coming head-on 405 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,400 in the opposite direction and it's no' slowing down. 406 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,840 Aye, well, very convincing performance, Navid. 407 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,200 You should be an actor on the telly. 408 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,520 Oh, there's Peggy McAlpine there. 409 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,800 Oh, and she's got a cake box. Oh, my. 410 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,400 Look at you, Isa. Now you're sweating. 411 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,440 I'm sweating cos I'm mopping. 412 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,440 What's Peggy McAlpine up tae? 413 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:44,000 I'm no' bothering what Peggy McAlpine's up tae. 414 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,400 See, it is you who's the great actor. 415 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,280 Right now, your mind is racing like Red Rum, 416 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,920 sweat running down the crack of your arse. 417 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,120 SHE TUTS, HE CHUCKLES 418 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,080 SCARY VOICE: What is the name on the cake? 419 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,240 DOOR BUZZER 420 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,920 Alec. Bernie. 421 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,440 Have yous been at this all night? 422 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,240 Aye. With a couple of hours' sleep. 423 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,080 Ew! Is that your scants there? 424 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,840 Aye. I only brought the one pair. 425 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,320 I took them through and rinsed them in the sink. 426 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,640 Oh, what the hell's this? 427 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,760 This is a second hole. 428 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,280 Oh, come on, you've no' dug a second hole? 429 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,920 Well, you know what it's like once you've fished a few halves - 430 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,960 you get...peckish. 431 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,000 Aye. A wee bit nibbly, you know? 432 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:48,440 See, under this hole is where the crisps are. 433 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:52,480 Yous are taking a bloody liberty. He's the one taking the liberty. 434 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,960 Years we've been putting money into that bastard's till. 435 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,240 Aye. 436 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,720 And then bang, pfft, no longer welcome. 437 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:02,640 Right, what flavour of crisps do you want? 438 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,680 Where do you want the hats, Peggy? 439 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,400 Just put one beside every plate, Sandra, darling. 440 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:11,960 Right you are. 441 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,360 Oh, the cake! 442 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,480 CLATTER 443 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,680 Isa! 444 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,320 You need help, hen. 445 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,760 Do I? 446 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:27,960 Nice cake box. 447 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,480 Thanks. 448 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,840 Can I see the cake? Naw. 449 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,800 I need to see the cake. No, you don't! 450 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,960 I want to see that bastard cake! 451 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,240 I telt yae, naw! You're sick. 452 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,800 "Happy birthday... 453 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,200 "..Andrew"? 454 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,160 CHATTER 455 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:53,880 DOOR CLOSES 456 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,280 Hey, wake up! 457 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,680 Wake up. 458 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,480 He's about to go down the cellar. 459 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,840 This is our perfect opportunity. 460 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,520 Tam, take the line. 461 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,840 Come on, Tam. 462 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,040 No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this no' a bit risky here? 463 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,800 SLURRED: Fishing's a sport. 464 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,240 It's too easy to dae it when the shop's shut. 465 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:25,840 Here, but imagine getting a catch when the gamekeeper's there, eh? 466 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:29,240 This... This is what Hemingway would do. Hemingway. 467 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,040 Big game fishing. 468 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:36,000 Big game fishing! Right, that's him down the cellar. 469 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,760 Right, come to Papa. 470 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,200 Tequila all right, aye? 471 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,440 No' tequila. Tequila makes you dae daft things. 472 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,200 That's fair enough. 473 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,840 Bacardi it is, then. 474 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,600 Ssh-ssh-ssh. 475 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,480 Ssh-ssh... There you go. There you go. 476 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,280 Come on, sweetheart. Come on. 477 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,200 That's him. 478 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,720 Come on, come on. Easy. Easy. 479 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,760 Shut up, shut up. He's got it! 480 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,440 Hey! 481 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:18,920 Right, get us one of them expensive cheesy-burgers that he does as well. 482 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,080 Get us a plate of them curly fries an' all. 483 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,200 For a fiver! Five quid! 484 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,200 LAUGHTER 485 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,480 ISA SIGHS 486 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,200 I feel like such an idiot. 487 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,080 Och, don't beat yourself up. 488 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:35,840 Och, I know, but wee Andrew's face when he saw his destroyed cake. 489 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,760 Och, he'll survive. He's a spoilt wee bastard. 490 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,760 So what are you up to the night? 491 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,080 Well, Navid got me a box of chocolates. 492 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,600 I'll probably just go up the road, 493 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,520 watch some celebrity pish and wire into the lot. 494 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,120 Come on, Isa. I'll treat you to a wee sherry. 495 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:54,840 Oh? Aye. 496 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,400 HE SNORES 497 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:02,800 Here. 498 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,000 You know Boabby's got a bottle of malt down there? 499 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,120 It's his pride and joy. 500 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:10,880 Aye, the McCrennan. McCrennan. 501 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,920 25 years old. 502 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,480 Mm-hm. 503 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:16,120 Unopened. 504 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:20,200 It was presented to him by the brewery at some fancy do. 505 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,360 Aye. 506 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,680 I've said to him tons of times, I've said, 507 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,320 "Boabby, when are you going to open that thing?" 508 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:27,640 You know what he says to me? 509 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:31,520 He says to me, "I'm saving it for a special occasion... 510 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,240 "..like the night you die." 511 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,560 THEY GROAN 512 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,840 He's always at that patter. 513 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,120 Here, I know. 514 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,920 Why don't we get that amber nectar fished out of that hole? 515 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:44,880 And then we'll get it scuttled, eh? 516 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,400 LAUGHTER 517 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:48,360 Back we go. 518 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,720 Down we go. Watch he doesnae see. Ssh, quiet. 519 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,120 Be quiet. Boabby's there. 520 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,360 Oh, we've got it! 521 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,480 CHEERING Oh! 522 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,840 ALL TALK AT ONCE 523 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,160 BOTTLE CLUNKS, BOABBY GROANS 524 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,440 What's going on, boys? 525 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,960 We think we've killed Boabby. 526 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,200 Eh? 527 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,000 Oh, my! 528 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,360 Boabby! 529 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,520 Boabby, son! 530 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,040 Isa... 531 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,360 You're early. 532 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,720 Happy birthday. 533 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,120 SURPRISED CHEERING AND LAUGHTER 534 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:55,120 Boabby, well done, son. How did you manage all this? 535 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,240 I was sorry about the covert operation, 536 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,360 but I had to keep yous in the dark, boys, 537 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,000 otherwise Isa would have got it out you. 538 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:06,440 So, what happened to the fancy-pants pub and the bottles of beer 539 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,560 and all the razzamatazz? 540 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,000 That was all bullshit. 541 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,000 I'd to keep yous lot oot here for a couple of days to set up. 542 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:17,240 Oh, Boabby, the bother you've went tae. 543 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,960 I hadn't the first idea. 544 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:21,680 Surprised? 545 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,400 Aye. 546 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,400 Ooh, you got me a belter! 547 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,320 CHEERING 548 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:32,720 # Happy birthday to you 549 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,640 # Happy birthday to you 550 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:39,520 # Happy birthday, dear Isa 551 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:45,960 # Happy birthday to you! # 552 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:50,960 HE GROANS AND SIGHS 553 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,000 Right, scants. 554 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:59,600 That looks delicious, that. Oh, will you look at this spread here! 555 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:03,680 Pakora and prawns, sandwiches. 556 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,760 Argh! THUD! 557 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,040 And you've got wee chipolatas tae! 558 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,480 Help! 559 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,520 Help! 560 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:13,920 Help... 561 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:44,640 Everybody's talking about you, Boabby. 562 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,280 You did the impossible. 563 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,000 You expertly displayed your prodigiousness. 564 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:50,400 Thanks. 565 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,600 And all it cost you was a tooth. 566 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:57,280 Aye, that and about ten bottles of spirits to the angling club. 567 00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,400 Fly bastards. 568 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:00,760 Which dentist did you use? 569 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:03,400 Same guy you went to.