Come on. One of yous.
Two weeks, eh? Three, tops.
For the last time, Winston, no! Come on!
The place the council are putting me in is a toilet.
I told them. I said, "I'm no' bothered about asbestos.
"I used to have it in my pieces when I worked in the shipyards,"
but the council are like that, "Naw, oot!"
Too old for a flatmate, Winston. It's a non starter.
I could tolerate you for...an hour.
Oh, thanks.
Victor's right, Winston.
Let me paint you a picture.
Me in my jammies eating a nice bowl of cornflakes.
Yum-yum, munchy-munchy.
You - "Oh, I'm just going to slip this leg off.
"Let the air get round about my stinking stump."
Me - "Bleurgh!"
Cornflakes doon the nose and up the wall.
It's a bad picture.
And it's a picture we are not about to paint.
Right! Who wants a drink?
Are you buying, like? No.
Then why are you asking, does anybody want a drink, then?
Because this is a bar...
..no' a care home.
That's a pity, Boabby,
because I was toying with the idea of shiting myself
and getting you to wipe my arsehole.
Like a big, daft nurse!
Are yous wanting a drink, or whit?
If we want a drink, we'll pull the cord.
Ting-ting!
Nurse! Oh, and could you
pour the drink into my mouth for me,
because I'm too feeble to lift the tumbler.
Haud on, Nurse, I'm needing a pish!
Oh, forget it. It's too late.
Ordinarily, I might have sniggered at that patter,
but then I look at my till.
16 lousy quid, and I've been in here since the crack of dawn.
It doesn't even cover the leccy on that puggie.
BEEPING
ALL LAUGH
COINS JANGLE
16 quid, tae! It's almost poetic.
Even the puggie gods are taking the piss out of you, Boabby.
Hello, Navid. Oh! Isa.
Is that you back frae the cash-and-carry?
It is, aye.
Do you want a hand emptying the van?
No, thank you. No.
No, course you don't, eh?
Something in there you don't want me to see?
No. Open it up, then.
It's open. Have a look yourself.
SHE CHUCKLES
HE SIGHS
DOOR CLOSES
It's just full of sweeties, tea bags and bog rolls.
Aye. I think I know what this is about.
How do you mean? It's about your birthday on Saturday, isn't it?
Maybe.
72.
It's no biggie.
Do you know what I got for my 72th? What?
"Hee" wrapped in "haw."
But now you're wanting to find out if I'm throwing you
a surprise party. Naw.
Naw!
Aye! Are you?
No.
Isa, when was the last time you had a surprise party?
Eh...
I've never had one.
Because you are impossible to surprise
on account of your nosy-bastard-ness.
Anybody who has ever tried has failed.
You are chemically intolerant to surprise.
You see, a surprise party brings pleasure
to both the giver and the receiver.
But you cannae have that.
You have to know what is going on.
It's a tragedy...
..of Greek proportions.
Naw. Haud on noo.
I did have a surprise party.
My 65th.
You organised it!
DOOR CLOSES
KEYS CLATTER
ALL: Surprise!
My, what a lovely surprise.
Where's my drink?
POPPER BANGS
I cannae help myself.
I weep for you, Isa.
To live one's life without surprise...
Maserati Quattroporte.
3-litre, twin turbo, V6.
Approaching from Kinellar Drive. Yeah.
CAR ENGINE ROARS
CAR DRAWS UP OUTSIDE
CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, Derek Fry.
You know him, like? Aye.
Wanker.
Went to school wi' him.
Was it a school specifically for wankers?
Wanker High?!
Oh, he's coming in, Boabby.
Aye, nae doubt.
Every time he gets a new motor, he's just "passing by."
Hello, Derek. Just passing, were you?
Indeed, Roberto, my man. Just picking up my new wheels.
Hmm. Still got that place in the town? Aye.
Big Fry'n'Macs. Hand over fist, Boabby. Mental.
I see you're still in the funeral business.
HE LAUGHS
That's a good one, Derek.
Aye.
This place is actually doing no' bad.
Boabby, I've been a wee bit unwell in my troosers.
You might want to take a damp cloth to that stool, an' all.
BLARING RINGTONE
Hello? I'm in Craiglang. Just popped in to see an old pal.
Hey?
Aye, it's like a graveyard.
The walking dead, aye.
I'll sort that out on the way back to the shop.
Just order another 200.
Got to dash, Boabby. I'll see you soon.
Who was that walloper?
Oh, he's a smart walloper. Huh! A smart walloper.
Wee walloper wi' a shirt and tie on.
Round his wee neck, wee blazer on it.
"Look at me, I'm a smart wee walloper."
What's so smart about him?
He's got the Midas touch.
Bought this manky old boozer in Finnieston, turned it round.
Now he charges eight-and-a-hauf quid a burger,
and all the West End wankers are queuing up to pay it.
"Hoo-hoo! There's gold in them there West End wankers!"
Eight-and-a-half quid for a burger?
THEY LAUGH
ENGINE RUNNING
Derek! Mate!
Could I hook up with you tomorrow and pick your brains?
Ah! Eric. Just the very fella.
Naw! Oh, come on!
You wouldn't see an old pal homeless. I would, aye.
You've seen my flat. There's no' enough room to swing a cat...
..which you did one night pished. Wee mitten still isnae right.
Their tongues aren't meant to stick out like that all the time.
Aye. Sorry.
So, there's nae room at the inn, then?
That's right, Joseph. You'll need to find a stable somewhere else.
Just this, Navid.
Oh! "Happy birthday". Who could that be for?
You! I tell you what. Do you know what to do?
You take that card and you fill it out yourself.
Put something nice in it, mind, cos I'm fresh out of nice.
Oh, naw. Naw, wait and gie it to us on Saturday.
What's happening on Saturday?
Eh...what is happening on Saturday, eh?
Hee-hee!
# It's a wee mystery! #
I'll be pullin' ma plug to the women's tennis on Saturday.
You're more than welcome to join me, if you like.
Hey! I tried to throw you a party.
Right, as soon as she comes through that door,
everybody, "Happy birthday, Isa."
Aye, happy birthday, Isa. Happy birthday, Isa.
ISA: Happy birthday, Isa. Hee-hee-hee!
Isa, you bastard. Put that light up.
ALL MURMUR
What's happened to you?
State of the place.
It's all changed.
All changed to buggery.
4.50. That's no' a pint.
That's for a bottle or a wee, daft hauf.
Tablecloths, and people I don't know!
The food? The food?
West End garbage.
Roasted pine nuts.
A thing they call rocket.
Couscous, by Christ!
Stop. Breathe. You're OK.
Oot the road.
Don't go in there.
It's mad.
I mean, what even is pulled pork?
It sounds like a porno movie.
What's wrong with a slice o' gammon?
Nothing.
That's what's wrong with it.
Nothing!
Oh, look who it is.
And here we go.
Jack and Victor.
What can I get yous?
Nae burn?
Are yous here to pay your final respects to the Clansman?
You're too late.
GENTLE CONVERSATION
Two pints of lager, Boabby, please.
No, we don't do pints any more.
Only bottles. A fine selection.
There's a couple of menus. The specials are on the board.
That's Thai lemon grass soup, aubergine frittata
and roast duck and pilau rice.
BOTH: What?!
Nae pies? We dae a pie, aye.
It's Edam and asparagus with rosemary.
See that frottata...
..and your aubergine...
..and the soup with the grass in it,
tell Rosemary to stick it right up her arse.
Rosemary's no' the cook.
It's a herb.
Well, maybe you never herb us. Two pints!
I've already telt you.
We don't do pints any more.
We do bottles of beer and nice food.
We are trying to attract a better class of clientele.
And yous aren't it.
So we've to stand here like a couple of hairdressers,
drinking bottled beer and eating manky pies?
Right, sling your hook.
To where? I don't know.
Park Mill. Aye.
Decades of patronage, huh, and this is what we get!
Swept oot the door! Highland Clearances.
Turfed oot!
Come on, boys, it was long overdue.
Don't be like that.
Take a couple of bottles of beer.
Nae hard feelings, huh?
Fine.
Nine quid.
BOTH: What?!
Nine quid?
Nine quid, you robbing bastard.
Do you get your hole included in the price, as well?
Right, oot!
You should be wearing a mask and a stripy jersey,
you arsehole highwayman!
Sorry.
Ah, hello, Peggy. Flump?
Who are you calling a flump?
No, I'm saying, "Do you want a flump?" Oh. Aye.
They're horrible.
No' very flumpy, are they?
Aye, well, they wouldn't be.
Three years they've been sitting there with the lid off them.
I'm trying to free up the space.
This is prime sweetie real estate. See this area here?
In sweetie land, this is Mayfair.
So, help us out, take them all.
No, you're all right.
Listen, you've no' got such a thing as party hats, have you?
Party hats? Par... Aye, I do!
So, who's having a party?
Just a kids' party at the community centre.
Boabby's lost the plot.
End of days.
Bar-mageddon.
Winston, I heard about you have to be out your flat.
Hmm. I just wanted you to know
there's always a place for you at mine.
Really? Are you serious?
35 quid a night.
For that, you get your breakfast. Uncooked. Frosties, or some such.
And, for a supplementary three quid, you'll get an electric blanket.
As long as you pay part of the electric bill.
Away you go, you rat bastard.
So, it's came to this, eh?
Well, beggars cannae be choosers.
Listen, I'm not advocating a return to the Clansman.
That ship has sailed.
Are you sure about this place?
Look, we're four seasoned men.
We've seen our fair share of the rough stuff.
How bad can it be, eh?
We could always go in for one!
DRILLING
CHUCKLES Shug, you are the man!
You've done me a right turn here. Aye.
20 years in the special services. Never leaves you.
SWITCH CLICKS
Och!
Nae power. Nae worries. I'll fix that.
And I'll get a wee heater for you, and all.
Eh? Magic!
None of that!
Are you wanting busted? Eh?
Oh, aye! Aye. Soft feet from now on.
Right.
Well, soft foot, anyway.
This is very kind of you, Isa. You're more than welcome, boys.
Feels like we're homeless, you know?
Turfed oot our own pub. Ach, well.
You're always welcome here. More peas?
Oh, aye. Aye. Lovely.
There you are, Victor.
You know me, I always make more than I need.
Here, I was watching a film the other night,
Medieval. Oh, smashing.
The Queen was waiting for news,
and the knight turned up on his horse and told her
everything she needed to know.
About what?
Peggy McAlpine!
So the knight in this medieval film was telling the Queen
about Peggy McAlpine?
Naw!
I need to know about Peggy McAlpine.
She was in Navid's buying party hats and the like.
Is this about your birthday?
Uh-huh. And whether or not anybody's going to throw you a surprise?
Yes, indeed.
Let me say this right now, Isa.
As good as that steak pie was, it's no' happening.
We've all tried before and we've all been found out.
You'll remember when Eric was tasked with this,
and you held his head underneath the boating pond until he coughed up
the truth, and four baggy minnies, and also a used johnny bag.
Of course I mind it.
I went a wee bit over the top there, I'll grant you.
It's not worth it to anybody.
You know I don't dae surprises.
So I'm gonnae ask yous... one more time...
What's with the Stasi pish?
This is a bridge too far.
You've broken and entered into Boabby's flat.
This isnae Boabby's flat.
Naebody's lived in this flat for about 30 year.
I see the last tenant was a bird.
Stick a couple of totties and an onion round that,
you'd be sorted. Shut up.
A couple of days. He's none the wiser.
Then I'll be back in my ain hoose.
Look at us, the lost boys with nowhere to go.
I'm just glad to be away frae Isa's.
That's what it must have been like in Guantanamo.
That slap she gave me would have made Marvin Hagler weep.
KNOCKING ON WINDOW
Hey-ho.
What's the caper here? What's the matter with your face?
Eh? Oh, we were just over at Isa's for some steak pie and a beating.
Hey?
She's convinced that one of us is throwing her a surprise party
and she's on the warpath to find out about it.
Either of you organised something?
BOTH: No! Good. Well, stay out her road, then.
Right, who's wanting a beer?
Aye.
You all right, team? Shug!
I bring fire.
Have you ever noticed that a tin of beer is the ugly sister
to the pub-poured pint?
Hmm. Or the optic-dispensed dram. Correct.
But my question is, why is that?
Oh, I can tell you why that is, aye.
See, the pub is the hub. I go in, and they're like,
"Hey, there, Jack. You're looking good, baby."
And I'm like, "Well, thanks," you know? You've got to make an effort.
"Hi, Des. How are you doing, Tony?"
Who the hell's Des and Tony? Well, you'll need to roll with me on that.
What I'm saying is, the pub,
it's where it's at, man, you know what I mean?
It's like that comedy programme, Cheers -
the place where everybody knows your name...
..is Jack.
It's great to walk in and see all the old familiar faces.
Aye, and tap one of them for a 20.
Aye, you cannae beat a pint out the pub.
Boabby stitched us up.
He's took our only pleasure off us.
Ssh! Ssh!
The shutter is down.
Boabby has left the building.
Shug, let Operation Eskimo commence.
DRILLING
There, look.
Come on, Shug.
That you got a bite? Aye.
And it's a whopper, Jack!
There it is, there it is!
THEY CHEER
You beauty!
LAUGHTER
Isa?
Yes, Navid?
Happy birthday.
Aw.
TRANSLATION:
You ate all the good ones, you greedy bastard!
Here, why don't you keep that and gie me it tonight?
Tonight? Aye. At the party!
Still with this? Get off that track, Isa.
There is a disappointment train coming head-on
in the opposite direction and it's no' slowing down.
Aye, well, very convincing performance, Navid.
You should be an actor on the telly.
Oh, there's Peggy McAlpine there.
Oh, and she's got a cake box. Oh, my.
Look at you, Isa. Now you're sweating.
I'm sweating cos I'm mopping.
What's Peggy McAlpine up tae?
I'm no' bothering what Peggy McAlpine's up tae.
See, it is you who's the great actor.
Right now, your mind is racing like Red Rum,
sweat running down the crack of your arse.
SHE TUTS, HE CHUCKLES
SCARY VOICE: What is the name on the cake?
DOOR BUZZER
Alec. Bernie.
Have yous been at this all night?
Aye. With a couple of hours' sleep.
Ew! Is that your scants there?
Aye. I only brought the one pair.
I took them through and rinsed them in the sink.
Oh, what the hell's this?
This is a second hole.
Oh, come on, you've no' dug a second hole?
Well, you know what it's like once you've fished a few halves -
you get...peckish.
Aye. A wee bit nibbly, you know?
See, under this hole is where the crisps are.
Yous are taking a bloody liberty. He's the one taking the liberty.
Years we've been putting money into that bastard's till.
Aye.
And then bang, pfft, no longer welcome.
Right, what flavour of crisps do you want?
Where do you want the hats, Peggy?
Just put one beside every plate, Sandra, darling.
Right you are.
Oh, the cake!
CLATTER
Isa!
You need help, hen.
Do I?
Nice cake box.
Thanks.
Can I see the cake? Naw.
I need to see the cake. No, you don't!
I want to see that bastard cake!
I telt yae, naw! You're sick.
"Happy birthday...
"..Andrew"?
CHATTER
DOOR CLOSES
Hey, wake up!
Wake up.
He's about to go down the cellar.
This is our perfect opportunity.
Tam, take the line.
Come on, Tam.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this no' a bit risky here?
SLURRED: Fishing's a sport.
It's too easy to dae it when the shop's shut.
Here, but imagine getting a catch when the gamekeeper's there, eh?
This... This is what Hemingway would do. Hemingway.
Big game fishing.
Big game fishing! Right, that's him down the cellar.
Right, come to Papa.
Tequila all right, aye?
No' tequila. Tequila makes you dae daft things.
That's fair enough.
Bacardi it is, then.
Ssh-ssh-ssh.
Ssh-ssh... There you go. There you go.
Come on, sweetheart. Come on.
That's him.
Come on, come on. Easy. Easy.
Shut up, shut up. He's got it!
Hey!
Right, get us one of them expensive cheesy-burgers that he does as well.
Get us a plate of them curly fries an' all.
For a fiver! Five quid!
LAUGHTER
ISA SIGHS
I feel like such an idiot.
Och, don't beat yourself up.
Och, I know, but wee Andrew's face when he saw his destroyed cake.
Och, he'll survive. He's a spoilt wee bastard.
So what are you up to the night?
Well, Navid got me a box of chocolates.
I'll probably just go up the road,
watch some celebrity pish and wire into the lot.
Come on, Isa. I'll treat you to a wee sherry.
Oh? Aye.
HE SNORES
Here.
You know Boabby's got a bottle of malt down there?
It's his pride and joy.
Aye, the McCrennan. McCrennan.
25 years old.
Mm-hm.
Unopened.
It was presented to him by the brewery at some fancy do.
Aye.
I've said to him tons of times, I've said,
"Boabby, when are you going to open that thing?"
You know what he says to me?
He says to me, "I'm saving it for a special occasion...
"..like the night you die."
THEY GROAN
He's always at that patter.
Here, I know.
Why don't we get that amber nectar fished out of that hole?
And then we'll get it scuttled, eh?
LAUGHTER
Back we go.
Down we go. Watch he doesnae see. Ssh, quiet.
Be quiet. Boabby's there.
Oh, we've got it!
CHEERING Oh!
ALL TALK AT ONCE
BOTTLE CLUNKS, BOABBY GROANS
What's going on, boys?
We think we've killed Boabby.
Eh?
Oh, my!
Boabby!
Boabby, son!
Isa...
You're early.
Happy birthday.
SURPRISED CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Boabby, well done, son. How did you manage all this?
I was sorry about the covert operation,
but I had to keep yous in the dark, boys,
otherwise Isa would have got it out you.
So, what happened to the fancy-pants pub and the bottles of beer
and all the razzamatazz?
That was all bullshit.
I'd to keep yous lot oot here for a couple of days to set up.
Oh, Boabby, the bother you've went tae.
I hadn't the first idea.
Surprised?
Aye.
Ooh, you got me a belter!
CHEERING
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, dear Isa
# Happy birthday to you! #
HE GROANS AND SIGHS
Right, scants.
That looks delicious, that. Oh, will you look at this spread here!
Pakora and prawns, sandwiches.
Argh! THUD!
And you've got wee chipolatas tae!
Help!
Help...
Everybody's talking about you, Boabby.
You did the impossible.
You expertly displayed your prodigiousness.
Thanks.
And all it cost you was a tooth.
Aye, that and about ten bottles of spirits to the angling club.
Fly bastards.
Which dentist did you use?
Same guy you went to.