1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,080 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,280 Iain Duncan Sheathing. 3 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,560 Really? 4 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,320 Thank you. 5 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,480 Craiglang. 6 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,760 CLOCK CHIMES 7 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:48,840 Finally. 8 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,640 Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. 9 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,600 Pickled onion - here we go. 10 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:56,920 Oh... 11 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,120 what's that wee noise you're making? 12 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:02,240 "Pick me, Boabby! I'm Smoky Bacon!" 13 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:05,840 Here. 14 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,640 That's auld McCleary the undertaker planted the day, eh? 15 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:09,920 ALL: Oh, aye. 16 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,160 JACK EXHALES 17 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,000 He buried a few. Aye, aye. 18 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,040 Mind he buried Capper Flynn? 19 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,040 Aye, the Scotland player. 20 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,200 There was hundreds of people at that funeral. 21 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,440 He made a wreath into the shape of a football. 22 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,560 It was lovely, aye. 23 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,040 That's right. VICTOR LAUGHS 24 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,600 That wee boy blootered it against the graveyard wall. 25 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,640 That's right! Cos when it burst, 26 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,360 it was like a spring day. 27 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,040 Right, finish up, guys. 28 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,560 Aw, come on, Boabby. One mair round. Naw. 29 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,080 You've had your time. Do your talkin' while you're walkin'. 30 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,080 Or, in your case, 31 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:44,040 do your mumbling while you're stumbling. 32 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,280 Boabby, when was the last time we had a lock-in, eh? 33 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,480 About eight months ago. 34 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,840 Winston was full o' it and demanded a shot of tequila, 35 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,880 then started doing the Macaroni. 36 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,640 It's the Macarena. 37 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,520 You spewed everywhere. 38 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,960 It was definitely macaroni. 39 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:04,160 Hadn't even chewed it all up, you greedy, fat bastard. 40 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,440 Come on, Boabby. Shut the door and set us up another one, eh? 41 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,000 A man's passed. 42 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,720 Right. 43 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,760 One, then oot. 44 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,800 THEY CHEER 45 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,160 TRANSLATION: 46 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,680 I'm with a customer! 47 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,520 And what can I do for you? 48 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:26,840 SHOP BUZZER 49 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,920 That's a shame about auld Mr McCleary buried. 50 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:34,000 It's a queer thing when an undertaker passes. 51 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,520 To think he's buried thousands of people in his life 52 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:41,520 and then dies alone, in a simple grave 53 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,360 wi' nae fanfare. 54 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,480 TRANSLATION: 55 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,280 What's she saying? 56 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,480 She's saying it's a terrible business. 57 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,840 Naw, she said something about Idi Amin. 58 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,960 Naw, she said...the place is needing a clean. 59 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,320 Right. 60 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,400 Ach, well. He'll be missed. 61 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,240 Who misses an undertaker? 62 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:05,320 I'll miss him! He did a terrific service. 63 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,840 I fully expected him to live long enough to plant me. 64 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,520 And noo he's away, 65 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,760 who's gonnae deal with Craiglang's dead? 66 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,400 Who indeed, Isa? 67 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,840 No-one will be able to die. 68 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,480 Craiglang will become a village of the walking dead. 69 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:26,280 Ancient zombies creepin' aboot shouting, 70 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,920 "Please bury me!" 71 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,120 No change there, then. 72 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,200 Ach, Navid. Oh, listen to yourself, Isa. 73 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,680 You think when the baker dies, there's no bread? 74 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,880 Or when the butcher dies, there's no chops? 75 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,720 Or when... 76 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,160 Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen dies, there's no decorating? 77 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,720 The world keeps turning. 78 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,440 TRANSLATION: 79 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,200 Nearly got it. Give me a second. 80 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,440 Harry Belafonte! 81 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:57,960 BASTARD! 82 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,600 Heid count. 83 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,160 Where's Winston? 84 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,360 He's in the toilet having a Donald... 85 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,480 Duck? ..Trump. Oh. 86 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:12,920 Right. Oot. 87 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,440 That's it. Boabby, gies a minute. 88 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,760 Harry Belafonte? 89 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,480 I mean, I am the Word Wheel king, here. 90 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,240 You are the Wagon Wheel king, my friend. Shut up! 91 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,480 Right. Here's a good game. 92 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,120 Who is the most famous person you've ever met? 93 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,440 And they can be dead or alive. Nice. 94 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,280 OK, here's your wee starter. 95 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,840 Myself and this good man here met Charlton Heston 96 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,520 in this very city. How about that? 97 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,760 What was Charlton Heston doing in Glesga? 98 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,640 He was doing a cookery demonstration. 99 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,280 In John Lewis's. 100 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,960 Do yous no mean the baldy bastard chef Heston Blumenthal? 101 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,360 THEY MUTTER 102 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,160 That's who it was, aye. 103 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,640 You couple of hauf-wits. 104 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:49,680 THEY LAUGH 105 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,840 Well, he is still famous, eh? 106 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,320 Mary Berry? 107 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,200 Whit? Where was this? 108 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,760 BP garage. 109 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,200 She was rattlin' intae a cauld Ginsters sausage roll. 110 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,320 HE CHOMPS 111 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,440 Peter Powers. 112 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,240 Who's Peter Powers? Hypnotist. Pavilion. 113 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,800 Oh, right. 114 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,000 So he's hypnotised you, told you you were a prick, 115 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,040 and you've no' been able to snap oot it? 116 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,440 THEY LAUGH 117 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,520 Here, the game's a bogey. 118 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:19,880 Here comes the ace card. 119 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,320 I was in Henderson's a couple of years back, right? 120 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,480 Good 20 minutes I'd been in the queue, 121 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,360 and who comes through the door? 122 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,000 Wan Direction. 123 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,040 THEY SCOFF I'm telling yous! 124 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,280 All five of them jumped the queue. 125 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,680 "We want beefy bakes 126 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,640 "and bottles of Irn-Bru cos we're in Glasgow." I was like that, 127 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,480 I telt them, "Listen, you, you talentless wee fannies! 128 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:41,760 "If you get served before me, 129 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,680 there's only wan direction you're going, 130 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,480 "and it's oot that bastard windae!" 131 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,120 Right. That's enough. 132 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,880 The polis are gonnae be batterin' that door shortly. 133 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,600 Oh, haud on, Boabby. Eric, how are you no pipin' up? 134 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,680 Och, I'm just enjoying listening. You're the oldest wan 135 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,200 amongst us. You must have bumped into a few, eh? 136 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,040 Gina Lollobrigida. 137 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,120 You bumped into Gina Lollobrigida? 138 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,880 Naw! I pumped intae Gina Lollobrigida. 139 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,800 Oh! Eric wins. 140 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,560 Met her, charmed her, pumped her. 141 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,760 Away and don't talk a lot of shite, Eric. 142 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,920 Eric, you bedded a movie star? 143 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,880 Aye. 144 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,840 Right. 145 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,400 What's everybody wantin'? 146 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,280 Tequila! ALL: No. 147 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:32,920 Right. 148 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,480 Get it telt. 149 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,520 Rome, summer. 150 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,880 The year 1958. 151 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,200 OWL HOOTS 152 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,760 Well, aul' Eric, eh? 153 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,480 Cuttin' aboot Rome, 1958, 154 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,880 and there she is - Gina Lollobrigida. 155 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:55,320 And he says, "Hello, I'm Eric. I'm a randy sailor. 156 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,400 "Would you care for your hole, hen?" 157 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,800 "Hen"! THEY CHUCKLE 158 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,400 Come on! 159 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,680 "Would you care for your hole, Signorina, hen?" 160 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,760 Oh, aye, aye. And she's like that... 161 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,800 COD ITALIAN ACCENT: "Och, it's nae danger! 162 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,480 "Just pull-a my scanties doon and fire right into me." 163 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:12,840 Pish. Aye. 164 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,640 He's definitely losing the place. It's been going on for a while. 165 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,200 Aye. He's always had that patter, though, in't he? 166 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,400 He telt me he ran into Frank Sinatra in the Phoenix Bar in Dundee. 167 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,440 That's right. And I met Sammy Davis Jr doon the Barras 168 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,520 buying a Calor gas fire. 169 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,800 Aye. He's a liar. 170 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,480 He's cracking up at the rate of knots. 171 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,320 This cold'll be the death...of...us. 172 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:33,480 OWL HOOTS 173 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,680 What's the matter with you? 174 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,720 VICTOR MUTTERS 175 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,480 JACK: Oh! 176 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,120 Come on. Let's get away fae this Lee Van Cleef bastard. 177 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,400 Aye. 178 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,520 DID you see Sammy Davis buying a gas fire doon the Barras? 179 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:47,840 Naw. 180 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,080 WIND WHOOSHES 181 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,720 SHOP BUZZER 182 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,520 SHE PANTS Oh, my. 183 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,400 Oh, my! Oh, Jesus, Isa. 184 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,960 What's the matter with you? You look like you've seen a ghost. 185 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,160 Worse than that! 186 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,280 A junkie? Naw. 187 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,320 Have you seen Winston wi' no clothes on? 188 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,480 No! 189 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,160 Sheathing, the undertaker. 190 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,800 Fae Park Mill? Aye. 191 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:22,840 So what? 192 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,720 He's taking over auld man McCleary's business. 193 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,640 He's the new undertaker! 194 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:28,760 Good. 195 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,240 It's no' good, Navid! 196 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,800 It's no' good at all! 197 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,320 You've no' heard the stories. 198 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,840 Right. Off you go. 199 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,920 They say whoever he touches 200 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,600 dies within seven days. 201 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,760 Hopefully, he'll come in here and touch Meena. HE LAUGHS 202 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,040 TRANSLATION: 203 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,760 You think I'm being stupid, don't you? 204 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,040 No, Isa. 205 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,640 See the village where I lived? 206 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,040 There was great poverty and battles 207 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,560 and sickness. 208 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,160 No, this was before Govan, 209 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:04,200 you halfwit! I'm talking about India. See, the problem was, 210 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:05,840 the village couldn't prosper. 211 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,920 People were too busy looking after the sick. 212 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,640 So, as cruel as it seemed, 213 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,840 they called for Cretanta. 214 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,480 Cretanta? 215 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,560 He was a doctor...of sorts. 216 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,720 He would come on request, 217 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,360 perform a chant, 218 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,920 pass his hands over the stricken, 219 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,120 and moments later...they were gone. 220 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,280 Like a witch doctor? 221 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,480 No, like a criminal. 222 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,920 They found out later he was injecting the poor bastards 223 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,400 with window cleaner. 224 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,960 He was basically an Indian Dr Crippen. 225 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,920 So what's your point, Navid? 226 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,240 My point is, Isa, 227 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,480 I just think that your story is a pile of fu... 228 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,200 ..kin' bollocks. 229 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,120 Made-up pish. 230 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:53,320 I'm telling ye! Last year, wee Connie Galbraith dies. 231 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,960 She got into bother at the swimming 232 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,920 and the nae-user lifeguard was oot havin' a smoke. 233 00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,880 By the time he got back, poor Connie 234 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,040 had mair water in her than Loch Lomond. 235 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,840 Droont! There was a huge enquiry. 236 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,440 The boy's still working there, 237 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,520 but he's promised to stick to the vaping noo. 238 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,040 Anyroad, I was at the funeral. 239 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,440 What an affair that was. 240 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,320 Oh! A right old-fashioned do, you know, 241 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:18,960 and a huge amount of people. 242 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,440 Anyway, there she was - 243 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,880 top hat, cane, the lot. 244 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,000 She even... 245 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,120 What you doing, Winston? 246 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,840 I'm looking for your point. THEY LAUGH 247 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,240 That's what I'm telling ye! 248 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,320 He reaches oot his haun'... 249 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:39,840 ..and touches Raymond McCall on the shoulder, 250 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,160 to gie him comfort, like. 251 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,080 Well, Raymond was a fit man. 252 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,160 He never smoked, he never drank. 253 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:50,760 He used to run the half-marathon, mind? And? 254 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,200 Stone deid on the Wednesday. 255 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,440 Death has come to Craiglang. 256 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,320 Wait a minute. How old was Raymond? Eh... 257 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,880 he'd a been about 56. 258 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,440 Well, the life expectancy in Park Mill's about 29. 259 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,640 That's a good innings for that shit-hole! 260 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,120 THEY LAUGH 261 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,280 Well, all I'm saying is, 262 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,840 you don't want Sheathing fingering ye. 263 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,480 No' even after a few sherries? 264 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,720 Oh! 265 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,120 DOOR CREAKS 266 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,680 WIND WHOOSHES 267 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,400 BOABBY: Hello. 268 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,000 What can I get you? 269 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,400 Rum. 270 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,160 Dark Heart. 271 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,160 Ice. Right. 272 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,960 I'm the new funeral director here in Craiglang. 273 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,280 Well... 274 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,400 ..if you've come in here to tout your trade, 275 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,040 you've just hit the mother lode. 276 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,600 You wheesh! 277 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,120 Anyway, just thought I'd pop in to introduce myself. 278 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,640 Just, er, leave my card. 279 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,560 If ever, well... 280 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,440 ..you know. 281 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,320 ICE CUBES CLINK 282 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,000 COINS CLUNK 283 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,640 FRUIT MACHINE BEEPS 284 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,560 Any luck? 285 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,200 Aye! It's just aboot tae pay oot. 286 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,200 I hope so. Oh, cheers. 287 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,840 Well...we'll be seeing you, then. 288 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,240 Oh, that's for certain. 289 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,280 See you now. DOOR CREAKS 290 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,760 Creepy, lanky Addams Family bastard. 291 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,160 That's funny. 292 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,160 It was cold when he came in! 293 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,920 Noo, it's all warm. Well... 294 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,080 ..least he never touched any of us. 295 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:41,600 That's all I'm saying. 296 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:42,960 Right, wrap it, Isa. 297 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,080 Let's talk about something else, eh? 298 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:46,400 Aye. 299 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,800 Here, you'll love this, hen. 300 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,000 Eric, tell Isa your story about Gina Lollobrigida. 301 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,960 Eric. 302 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,640 Eric! 303 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,440 COINS CLATTER 304 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,440 Poor old Eric, eh? 305 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:06,960 He'll be sadly missed. 306 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,440 Aye. He will indeed. 307 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,680 Tae Eric. Aye. 308 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,840 Dear auld friend. 309 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,440 Isa's at it full-tilt. 310 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,360 At what? Och. 311 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,040 She's going roon' the whole of Craiglang 312 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,800 telling everyone that Sheathing undertaker fella's the Reaper. 313 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,680 She's got everybody shiting themselves. 314 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,200 It's a load of garbage. 315 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,640 Here, tell me this. 316 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,200 In a lifetime, on average - average, mind - 317 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,240 how many times do you think the heart beats? 318 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,600 Oof, I don't know. Must be up in the thousands. 319 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,080 JACK SNORTS 320 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,960 Thousands. Away you go, you hauf-wit. 321 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,160 No, it's 100,000 times a day. 322 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,960 Thousands?! That widnae gie you enough time to boil an egg. 323 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,080 You'd be dipping your wee soldier in there, 324 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,160 heart attack, that'd be you finished. Game over. 325 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,760 Goodnight, Vienna. 326 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,440 Naw, over the course of a lifetime, the heart will beat 327 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,240 two-and-a-half billion times. 328 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,120 Aye, well, I've rattled a few thousand 329 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,280 listening to this story, Jack. What's your point? 330 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,600 My point is, once you've had all your heartbeats, that's it. 331 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,400 Your time's up. And that is what happened to Eric. 332 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,520 Eric didnae die because he was touched by the hand of Death. 333 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,720 Aye. Reaper nonsense. 334 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,120 You cannae be walkin' aboot 335 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,000 waiting on somebody putting a bony finger on your shoulder 336 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,040 marking you oot for death. Eat what you want. 337 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,360 Smoke all you like. Booze it up like an alkie. 338 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,200 It disnae matter. When your time's up, your time's up. 339 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,920 Aye, well said. 340 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,800 Spot of lunch? Aye. 341 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,720 WHIRRING 342 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,840 What are you doing? 343 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,920 I said, what are you doing? Two smoothies. 344 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:48,040 Kale, spinach, cucumber, and a raw egg. 345 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,560 R-Raw? Just like Rocky. 346 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,800 To be safe. 347 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,800 T-To be safe, aye. 348 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,440 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT What is it you're calling it? 349 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,200 The Insurance. 350 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,920 The Insurance. 351 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,360 That's... Yep. 352 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:12,840 Right. 353 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,920 Sheathing the Grim Reaper? 354 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,000 A load of pish. 355 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,120 Aye, Eric was due to go, eh? 356 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,480 The mind was...drifting. 357 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,200 85. 358 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,680 Aye. And then there was all the lies. Eh? 359 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,240 HE SCOFFS Gina Lollobrigida. 360 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,960 Be great if it was true, eh? Oh, aye. 361 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,760 Widnae be all that difficult to find oot. I mean, 362 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,680 what year did he say it happened? 363 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,360 Eh, summer...1958. 364 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,080 And what was the name of his ship? 365 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,800 That's easy - HMS Corunna. 366 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,520 Well, I'm gonnae get to the bottom of this. Let me make a few calls. 367 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,960 You make a few calls once we get to the bottom of these cans. 368 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,800 To Eric. To Eric. 369 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,440 Do you no'...fancy a wee go on the fruit machine? Hm? 370 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,680 No. 371 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,720 I've not got any change. 372 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,360 Tam! 373 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,920 Hi, Boabby. 374 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,120 You love the puggie. 375 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,360 WHISPERS: Play the puggie. 376 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:28,960 Nah. 377 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,680 Just got a fresh pint there. 378 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,800 Does naebody in here want to play that puggie? 379 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,520 No, I'm OK. THEY MURMUR 380 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,840 Look, I'm as sorry about Eric as you lot. 381 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,760 But I am trying to run a business here, 382 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,520 and what the shit's this?! 383 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,640 THEY MUTTER IN PROTEST 384 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,400 It's a pub! It's no' Lady Diana's bastarding grave! 385 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,920 Boabby's no' to blame here, everybody. 386 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,440 It's that undertaker, Sheathing. 387 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,560 Oh, Isa, gie it a rest. Don't start all that pish again, Isa. It's nae use. 388 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,600 BELL RINGS 389 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,640 I know you're all upset about your good friend Eric passing... 390 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,840 ..but Isa's fear might not be unwarranted. 391 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,800 I have mates in Park Mill that used to hurry by his funeral shop. 392 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,240 But hear this - 393 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,040 there have been loads of depictions of Death - 394 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,160 the Norse Valkyries, Thanatos - that's Greek. 395 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:34,160 But one of the biggest icons is the Grim Reaper. 396 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,240 The Black Death pandemic, right? 397 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,160 14th century, 20 million deid. 398 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,080 A fear of death spread throughout society. 399 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,520 Is it any wonder that a town full of pensioners 400 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,360 in the twilight of their years should fear such a figure? 401 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,280 How we are gonnae get rid of him? 402 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,360 You don't need to get rid of him. 403 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,400 He disnae exist. 404 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,040 Sheathing's just flesh and blood - 405 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,480 like you and me. 406 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:00,680 DOOR CREAKS 407 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:01,880 WIND WHOOSHES 408 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,480 Mr Sheathing. 409 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:06,720 Rum. 410 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,040 Dark Heart. 411 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,000 MACHINE BEEPS ERRATICALLY 412 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,240 Looks like your fruit machine's deid. 413 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,720 Anyway, the reason I came in is... 414 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,320 One touch on the shoulder. 415 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,600 Seconds later, Eric was away. 416 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,040 Taken! 417 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,560 A lot of Bram Stoker pish. I'm telling ye! 418 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,120 If he tried to touch me, 419 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,600 I'd take one of these size 10s, I'd part his Reaper baws 420 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,680 and I'd say tae him, "You feeling grim noo?" 421 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:50,960 SHE SCOFFS 422 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,840 Mrs Drennan! SWING CREAKS 423 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,400 Can I have a word? 424 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,520 Don't let him touch me! It's no' my time! 425 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,600 Take her! She's got high blood pressure! 426 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,760 HE MUTTERS 427 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:11,960 SHE PANTS 428 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,280 Oh! Oh... 429 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:37,000 Oh, Boabby! Boabby, help me! Whit? 430 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,000 Oh, Boabby! Oh, Boabby, for God's sake, help me! 431 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,520 Boabby, he's coming for me! 432 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,880 The Reaper's coming! Mrs Drennan. 433 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,200 Oh, Boabby, don't let him touch me, son! 434 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,560 Right, that's enough, ye daft old bun. 435 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,280 You know what this is aboot, don't you? 436 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,320 People roon' here have got a mad notion 437 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,040 that you're the Grim Reaper. 438 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,120 Wan touch and you're deid. No, no, no. 439 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,560 All I'm after is... 440 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,200 Isa, look at this. 441 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,200 HE IMITATES EERIE MOANING 442 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,240 That's me deid noo. 443 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,120 Oh... HE HITS THE GROUND 444 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,360 SHE WHIMPERS 445 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,760 Oh, my! 446 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,760 Open, ya bas. 447 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,440 Jack! 448 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,360 Oh, Victor! 449 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:33,040 Victor! Something terrible's happened! 450 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,760 Open your door! 451 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,320 Isa, for God's sake. Look at the state of you, woman. 452 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,760 What's the matter? 453 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,720 Death is nigh. What's the matter? Boabby's deid! 454 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,680 Whit?! Aye! 455 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:44,840 Sheathing touched him. 456 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,560 Death is nigh. What do you mean, he touched him? 457 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,200 Boabby got the undertaker to rub him, 458 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,200 and doon he went! 459 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,360 He rubbed him and went doon on him? 460 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:57,080 Naw, ya hauf-wit! 461 00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,520 Boabby collapsed! He's deid! 462 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,240 Death is nigh! What the hell is it 463 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,720 you're babbling aboot? 464 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,000 It's an anagram of Sheathing's name! 465 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,200 Look - "Death is nigh." 466 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,120 Oh, for f... LIFT BELL DINGS 467 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,520 DOORS SLAM 468 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,880 PHONE RINGS 469 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,800 Hello? He's at your door. 470 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,640 SLOW KNOCKING AT DOOR 471 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,280 SLOW KNOCKING 472 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,840 Eh... 473 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,800 Sorry! I can't come to the door at the moment! 474 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,920 I'm tending to my...cat. 475 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,320 It's got a sore paw. 476 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,240 Jack's in, but... 477 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,920 ..and he's not got any animals to attend tae! 478 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,720 Bastard! 479 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,440 What have you done that for, 480 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,640 you back-stabbing, throw-me-under-the-bus, big, lanky bastard, ye?! 481 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,080 I'm sorry, Jack. I panicked and I shat it. 482 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,120 That's him come for you noo. 483 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,920 Open it and see what he wants. 484 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,520 SLOW KNOCKING 485 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:36,840 Aye, watch me. 486 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,520 PHONE RINGS 487 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,760 Mr Jarvis, can I have a word? 488 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,680 You can have two! Piss off. 489 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,360 Will you open the door, please? 490 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:53,040 So you can touch me up and kill me? Naw! 491 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,480 Mr Sheathing, come away in. 492 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:01,840 Isa, darlin'! No! You've still got a couple of good years left in you! 493 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,760 DOOR BANGS SHUT 494 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,960 Right. 495 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,520 Time to staun' up and be counted. 496 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,080 All right. Chap the door. 497 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,800 How have I to chap the door? That would mean I've summoned him. 498 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,920 Hm. Right, we'll chap at the same time, right? 499 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,480 One, two, three. 500 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,080 You bastard! JACK LAUGHS 501 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,880 Noo you know what it feels like to be underneath the bus. 502 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,160 What is that? 503 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:41,720 Garlic paste. 504 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,400 Didn't have any bulbs. 505 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,080 What is it you're gonnae dae, baste him? 506 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:46,600 LOCK CLICKS 507 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,920 Relax, boys. It's fine. 508 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,960 Come in. SHE LAUGHS 509 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,520 Say hello. 510 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:00,800 Say hello. 511 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,520 BOTH: Hello. 512 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,240 Hello. Boabby phoned. 513 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,160 He fainted and bumped his heid. He's all right. 514 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,680 Well, we're glad to hear that. 515 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,360 But what's big Lurch doing going round all the doors? 516 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,640 Well, I apologise for the lateness of the hour, 517 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,160 but I was getting desperate. 518 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,920 I was trying to get hold of all yous so you could tell me about Eric. 519 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,200 The man had no family - I was going to do his eulogy, 520 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,120 but every time I approached you, you scarpered. 521 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,520 Aye, well, maybe you could talk in your eulogy about 522 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,120 how you killed him! 523 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,520 He was 85. 524 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,720 The man had a bad heart. He's no' the Reaper. 525 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:37,120 He's a bit creepy, but he's no' Death. 526 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,160 Thanks, Isa. 527 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,040 Er, eulogy? 528 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,120 Well, he was a good footballer. 529 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:48,120 He was in the Navy. And the Fire Service. 530 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,880 He was a brave man, Eric, you know. 531 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:57,400 There was a big fire in a department store in Glasgow, this is going way back... 532 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,160 It is in death that we know life. 533 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,120 It is in the weaving that we know love. 534 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,960 It is in the evening of our days that we truly see the gentle... 535 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,880 Bit of bad news. 536 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,080 Aye! Eric's deid! 537 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,120 Of course it's bad news! 538 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,360 It would be worse if the lid opened and he walked oot. 539 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,920 No, listen, it's about that Gina Lollobrigida thing. 540 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,840 Aye? What about it? 541 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,200 Well, I'm sad to announce it was bollocks. 542 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,360 The auld bugger made it all up. 543 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,760 She was in Rome in 1958, and so was he, 544 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,480 but they missed each other by about three weeks. 545 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,080 The HMS Corunna was docked in Rosyth. 546 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,000 Game's a bogey. 547 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,120 Aw, shit. 548 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,720 ..and was blessed indeed with many friends 549 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,160 and a great and solid community round about him. 550 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,760 And although he was a single man, 551 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,080 he knew the love of a woman. 552 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,320 I wasn't sure whether to mention this, 553 00:25:56,320 --> 00:26:00,160 but in my capacity as the undertaker here in Craiglang, 554 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,400 it is my duty to prepare the deceased for the afterlife. 555 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,720 And it was then that we discovered 556 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,240 a letter in Eric's breast pocket 557 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,320 which I think you might find interesting. 558 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,960 "My darling Eric. 559 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,880 "It was wonderful for us to meet and have those few nights together. 560 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,360 "You are my sweetheart - a true stallion. 561 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:24,440 THEY CHUCKLE AND MURMUR 562 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,960 "I shall never forget us sitting on the beach 563 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,920 "with our toes in the water, 564 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:35,040 "your ship waiting to take you away in the distance." 565 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,160 SHE SNIFFS 566 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,880 "Oh, how I wish our lives could be different 567 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,920 "and for us to be together. 568 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,400 "I will always love you. 569 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,160 "Gina." 570 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:47,920 ALL: Gina? 571 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,160 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 572 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,360 Hello? Hello! 573 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:08,080 Lovely service. Aye, it was indeed. 574 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,480 Very moving. 575 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:11,840 Did you know Eric? 576 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,280 I knew Eric, all right. 577 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:16,480 That was my letter. 578 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,440 Gina. 579 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,520 I had an ice cream cafe in North Queensferry 580 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,120 and Eric's boat docked there one summer. 581 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,920 In Rosyth. Yes. 582 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,280 We'd a bit of a fling, you might call it. 583 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:34,160 Your cafe...it was underneath the Forth Road Bridge? 584 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:39,320 That's right. They built it that summer. 1958. 585 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,880 Eric made up a name for me. Which was? 586 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:45,080 Gina's Lollies Forth Road... BOTH: ..Bridgida. 587 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:47,920 Christ. 588 00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:50,360 JACK: What a boy, eh? 589 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,600 VICTOR LAUGHS A stallion, she called him. 590 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,080 What a hero. 591 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,320 Oh, Winston. Jack, Victor. 592 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,600 And, eh...this is? 593 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:02,880 This is Agnes. 594 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,480 Oh! BOTH: Hello, Agnes. 595 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:46,600 Ooh... 596 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:49,360 What a week.