What time is it?
Eight o'clock.
Aye, still a wee bit of light, and by the looks of things,
it's going to be a nice day tomorrow.
Aye. Well, that's what they say, isn't it?
A red sky at night is, eh...
It's got something to do with a shepherd's pie, innit?
Red sky at night - shepherd's delight.
Red sky in the morning...
..isnae.
Naw, here's what it is.
Red sky at night - you've got dementia.
Red sky in the morning - Alzheimer's warning.
Right, well, I am just aboot done
with this scintillating conversation. Are you coming, Jack?
Aye.
I'll nick into Navid's, get a nice wee bottle of gut-rot.
Navid's is shut.
What? At eight o'clock, the last four Fridays.
HE SIGHS
Shit. How's Navid shutting early on a Friday?
Dunno. Getting old.
Fed up. Sweet sherry, Boabby.
Hey, boys.
Isa, why is Navid shutting early on a Friday?
I don't know.
Maybe you could work it oot.
All I know is, he shuts the shop,
him and Meena get in the van in a hurry,
bags of messages, cans of soup and that,
and away they go.
Aye, but where?
Oh, good question, Victor.
I snuck a peek at his petrol gauge when he gets back.
Noo, he always fills it up before he goes,
but it's just a quarter full when he returns.
Tam, how many miles to the gallon does that van of Navid's dae?
30, 35?
Right. How much does it cost to fill it up?
55 quid.
Hmm. So three-quarters of a tank. How many miles is that?
Well, three-quarters of a tank,
at an average of 35mpg, gives you a radius of 130 miles.
Halved, of course. It's got to come back.
Right. There's Navid's,
there's your 65-mile radius.
Could be anywhere. Aye. That would gie your arse a sore heid.
You'd need to know what direction he was going in. Forward, probably.
Nae point reversing everywhere, huh!
Found that in his work-coat pocket.
Morrisons. Two sandwiches. Last Friday night.
Troon. There's your direction right there.
Why is he driving to Troon for two sandwiches?
Because he's en route to somewhere, Poundland Columbo!
Ayr! Hmm...
Eh, Stranraer? Too far.
Cornwall!
Stranraer was too far.
Silver Sands Caravan Site!
Gie the man a free pint, Boabby!
Yes!
That was good fun.
Well done, everybody.
Isa, did you know that already?
Aye. Worked it oot last week, but he swore me no' to tell anybody,
else he'd bag me, so thought I'd let yous work it oot for yourselves.
Took a wee bit longer than me, but no' bad!
Do I get my free pint, then?
It's a turn of phrase!
Yeah, allow Navid. Fly bastard.
Got himself a caravan.
We love caravans.
Aye, we're caravan daft, sure.
Cos it's no' quite a car...or a van.
It's a phenomenal blend. Genius design.
Oh, now look, yous two.
Any of yous,
you cannae let on you know.
I'm the only one that's supposed to know.
If you're trying to wangle a weekend away,
please, I am begging you,
be subtle.
BOTH: # Every woman, every man Join the caravan of love
# Stand up
Stand up
# I'm your brother
# I'm your brother, don't you know
# So we're begging you, please
# Lend us your caravan keys
# Stand up Stand up
# Stand up! # Eh?
Isa, you rotund, jabber-mouth bastard.
I never said a word.
I was just sitting in the Clansman minding my ain business
with my sweet sherry...
..calculator and an Ordnance Survey map.
Navid. What?
C'mon! Lend us the caravan. Just for a couple of days.
Gentlemen, let me be straight with you.
Naw!
Fair do's.
Yes, we know when we've been beaten.
Hey, Victor? Hmm?
When was the last time you were on holiday
with your dearly departed but beloved wife Betty?
Oh, you're going back now.
Morecambe. We had to come hame early
because she wasn't feeling very well.
Of course,
she was taken from me
a fortnight later.
God rest you, Betty.
Here, Jack,
did you not make a solemn vow to never take a holiday again
after Jean passed?
You know I don't like speaking about that. Don't take me there.
Get it telt, Jack. Get if aff your chest.
You'll feel better. Well, if I have to tell it,
I'll have to buy a packet of Handy Andy tissues.
TILL BEEPS
COINS CLATTER
Rothesay.
Lovely summer's day. We walked for hours and hours.
It was absolutely beautiful.
So was Jean. In that dress I'd bought her. Yellow it was.
I bought it special for that occasion.
Even toyed with the idea of letting the ferry go
and stay in the B&B for the night.
Anyway, there was a wee ice-cream truck,
Giacomo's it was called.
Jean liked a 99.
And she also liked an oyster or a wafer.
Or a single nougat.
Or a double nougat.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Anyway, I opted to buy the 99,
she ate the Flake first.
And she really liked it, you know?
Well, the sun was going down, and the ferry drew away.
It sounded its horn to signify its departure,
and a perfect white seagull showed up
and it took flight into the evening sky,
and I said to Jean,
"Look at that, darling."
I said, "Jean..."
..but she never heard me because she was on the ground.
HE GASPS
She was gone.
SHE WAILS
The remains of the pokey-hat dribbling down the stank...
When I look back, I think...
I think that seagull was Jean's soul
flying into the great beyond and the unknown.
Enough.
Keep it tidy.
Thanking you!
# Every woman, every man
BOTH: # Join the caravan of love Stand up... #
Wait!
There's rules.
I'm bringing my pal Eddie on Saturday.
You've got one night.
Friday night.
Friday night!
Friday night is boys' night.
VICTOR CHUCKLES
DOOR BUZZER
Oh, you couple of bastards.
Take me wi' you.
No, he said we've to keep the place tidy.
That's right. And we've been in your place.
It looks like there's been an explosion in a charity shop.
And it smells like the device responsible for that explosion
was wrapped in a stinking fish supper.
HE SIGHS
Craiglang's a jail.
I want oot the jail, for one night.
Aye, a jail pass.
On compassionate leave. C'mon, take me with you.
Twice no.
Right, well...
..you've made your case, and I have to stand by it.
Enjoy your trip.
But I will say a wee prayer the night,
that two rogue midges fly up your cocks
and eat your balls - frae the inside, mind -
and no' before laying a pile of eggs,
which at a later date will hatch,
and a plume of baby midges will come flying oot the eye of your tadger!
Is that frae the Rocky movie, The Eye Of The Tadger?
It is indeed, Jack!
Now change the record, Rocky Bal-bore.
THEY CHUCKLE
Huh. Are we there yet?
Nearly.
DRIVER: Next stop, Silver Sands.
That's us, son! No worries.
Here, Jack, Navid says if we need it,
we can even fold down the wee dining table,
and that turns into a bed.
No, we've got the two singles. We'll no' need that.
Aye, you will.
Ach...
SEAGULLS CRY
DOG BARKS
H52. It cannae be far now.
Christ, we've been walking for ages.
Well, you wouldn't have been doing any walking if you weren't here,
you interloping bastard. Aye.
All uphill, an' all. I wouldnae want to make that journey twice.
Oh, y...
I cannae stop!
H51... H52...
We're on holiday.
Wow!
Ooh, that's like a palace, isn't it?
Aye. Right, let's get it open. Aye. Aye.
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Minted. Absolutely minted.
That'll be Meena's touch, you know?
Cream carpets. Lovely.
Aye, look at these sofas, huh?
I can see why he wants us to keep it tidy.
Aye, lovely.
I'm needing a shit. Big time.
For God's sake!
Taking a shit in somebody's caravan, you filthy caveman.
Well, what do you want me to dae, take a shit outside, aye?
Like a bear in the wild?
Like Tarzan?
"Excuse me a minute, Jane."
HE MAKES A TARZAN CALL
"Oh, that'll be the witchetty grubs I had for my breakfast.
"They went right through me."
No. If you'll excuse me, Victor, I'm touching cloth here.
Right, let's get the tea on, eh?
This is like Scouts, isn't it?
All mucking in together.
We've got the food, we've got the drink.
Yeah, a bit of banter.
And of course...
..share and share alike.
Wait a minute.
Tea, tea, knives, knives. Where's the roly-poly?
What roly-poly? Er, the one I bought from Navid's.
With the jam all through it? With the jam all through it, aye.
And a sponge? I know what constitutes a roly-poly.
Where is the bastard?
Was that your roly-poly? No, it was your roly-poly.
I was going to cut it up and have it with our tea.
I love roly-poly. Shut up!
Where is it, Victor?
I'm not going to lie to you, Jack. Dyb-dyb-dyb. I don't know.
Well, what you doing with jam and crumbs all down the front of ye?
Have I? You have, aye.
I scuttled it. I was starving!
Who eats an entire roly-poly? You greedy bastard!
For God's sake, Jack, calm down. It's away.
There's nae retrieving it. What's done is done.
If it's roly-poly you're wanting, I've just made a belter in here.
Nae jam in it, but.
Right, scoop up they crumbs.
Put them in the sink. Come on. And wipe off that jam.
You know what he said - keep the place clean.
Fair do's, Jack.
Hm.
Right, what are we having with this tea? What have we got left? Er...
Beans. Beans? Tea with beans?
You can have a whole tin. I'm stuffed.
I'll stuff the beans up your arse! What's the racket oot there?
Och, this selfish bastard. VICTOR CHUCKLES
Apparently, if you want to eat a whole roly-poly,
you've to apply for Jack's permission.
Calm doon, the pair of yous.
Screaming like a couple of banshees.
Gie it a rest.
How long have you known each other?
DOOR OPENS
Come up for air. Take a deep breath and...
JACK AND VICTOR GASP
Oh, aye... Sorry about that.
I've been nursing that toxic toalie since Craiglang.
It didnae want to leave.
I wish you would leave, you dirty, smelly tosspot.
Spray something in there. Aye, like petrol, and then light it.
It's the only way you're getting rid of that unholy smell.
Listen to the pair of yous. What do your keechs smell of?
Baked biscuits? Lavender?
Well, no' something that fell oot a dinosaur's arse, anyway.
Oh, for God's sake, Winston, that's gone everywhere!
It's only water. Calm doon.
I've got it, I've got it.
It's fine.
Right, let's sit doon, we'll chill oot
and we'll have a beer.
Well, you've got the beer and the whisky, so...
No. You had it in a poly bag.
Oh, no.
What?
I've left it on the bus.
You're joking! I wish I was, but...
Well, that's just dandy, isn't it? Noo look what you've done.
Look what I've done? I cannae see what I've done
for the shit-fog you've left in here.
Someone's going to have to go and get a carry-oot. What do we need?
Well, we don't need cola. I've seen to that.
Right, but we need a half-bottle of vodka, some tinnies.
Oh, aye, and a pizza, because there's a pizza shop doon there.
I don't think I could go a pizza. I'm kind of... Full of roly-poly?
Well, good for you, because you weren't getting any! I'm starving!
The shop's away back down the hill. It's ages away, at the front.
I nominate Winston.
I second that.
Up yous. I've only got one leg.
And you've only got one leg to get sore.
We've got two each, so...hop on.
SEAGULLS CRY
Right, pizza place, offie's.
Pub.
HE GROANS
Beautiful caravan.
Worth the journey.
Oh, aye, aye. It's a different mind-set, isn't it?
Your own tiny, wee, perfect getaway.
It's Friday night!
And Friday night's all right.
The world's our oyster. Anything could happen.
And will happen.
THEY CHUCKLE
Will we just put the telly on?
Aye, a wee bit of telly. Aye.
A nature programme.
Oh, good. Well done. Aye, cheers.
Oh-ho-ho!
What you daeing? Having a smoke.
Er, no, no, no, no, no, no. We've to keep this place clean.
I am going to keep it clean.
I've got an ashtray there.
Full of cigar dowts, see?
No. Open a windae.
HE SIGHS
JACK GROANS
There y'are, Mr Hitler.
Oh, here, I hope this is about cheetahs, cos I love cheetahs.
I hope it's a marine one.
Fish and squid and coral and all that.
No, no, no, no, big cats, big game, that's what you're after.
Ach, it's always the same, Jack,
chasing some poor gazelle, then eating it.
You've seen it a thousand times.
Attenborough's your man.
No, Jacques Cousteau's the king.
Jacques Cousteau was a daft old walloper.
Cutting aboot the deep like he was 25 -
that is no way for a pensioner to behave.
That is out of order!
Shh! Here we go.
Come on. Fish. Cheetahs.
BOTH GROAN
BOTH: Monkeys?!
I hate monkeys! Me, an' all. Chattering bastards.
Ohhh! That was a bit close.
Settle doon! Sorry.
What's the matter with ye? Och, I'm parched! So am I.
Where is this bastard with the booze, eh?
MUSIC BLARES
Hey! Hey, where are you going?
I've got to go and get a pizza.
You no' buying me another drink? What? You've drank all my money.
I don't need your money, honey, I need your love!
Eh?
What? What? Oh, for...
Here, here, I've got something to tell you.
I've got a rubber leg.
It's no' your leg I'm interested in!
HE LAUGHS
That's three hours he's been away.
You don't think something's happened to him?
It's a hell of a time.
Right.
C'mon. Right...
OWL HOOTS
He'll be lying pished somewhere.
See, I've heard about things like this. What?
These are the perfect conditions
where you could get abducted by an alien.
Well, I'm no Carl Sagan, Jack,
but I wouldnae imagine there's any aliens oot there
interested in probing our arses.
They might want tae have a look up Winston's bumhole
after that science experiment he left in our lavvy.
This is a wash-out.
Hame the morrow, and we've no' done anything.
Like what? We've done nothing, we've seen nothing.
And right noo, we can see hee haw.
There's a reason for that!
That's because you're a landlubber. Take a look up there.
What am I looking at? That's a map.
That's how they dae it oot here. They navigate by the stars.
There's your North Star.
There's your Plough. There's your Orion's Belt.
Are you telling me you can use the stars to locate pished pals?
No, I'm telling you, with that up there you need never be lost again.
That is all you need.
You don't need lights, you don't need your Wi-Fi,
you don't need your telephones and you don't need sat navigation.
That's right, if you play your cards right
and keep your wits aboot you, ach... Ohhh!
SPLATTER
Jack! Jack!
I'm doon here! Jesus!
I'm all right, I'm all right. I just tripped o'er something.
Evening!
Argh!
I'm stuck.
Jesus, you look like Steve McQueen's fell aff his motorbike.
Where's our drink?! Where's our pizza?
Yes, I'm fine, thanks.
I'm sorry, Winston. Are you all right? Aye.
Where's our drink, where's our pizza?
Oh, I got something better than pizza!
Like what?
My hole!
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
I want my bed.
Hey, Victor, wait.
What? He's manky.
Huh! Aye, manky with the drink.
No, manky with the muck.
And you're not going in there to spread it all over the place.
Well, what are you going to dae, hose me doon like a prisoner?
OWL HOOTS Let him have it, Jack.
What's this shit?
Guantanamo, eh?
Dae your worst. I'll never talk!
Agh!
How do you like that, you manky bastard?
Get the hands. The hands are filthy.
Agh! My name's Winston!
Agh, don't...!
Don't spill it.
I'm sorry about that, boys.
It's no' like me.
And this woman, she...
She called to me.
Like a siren, she drew me in.
I was powerless.
You were pished.
On our money. Look, I'll square you up.
VICTOR SIGHS
Nice to get a wee break, isn't it?
Nice to be in the country. Hm! I'd rather be in the Clansman.
So would I.
Anyway, Navid's coming noo. We'll be away oot of here shortly.
Look, I've said I'm sorry. Ach, it's no' that, Winston.
We just thought we'd come doon here, y'know, have a few drinks,
a few laughs, talk about old times, get a wee game,
a wee game of cards, so... Is it a wee game you're wanting?
We've still got time.
Let's play a game.
Um...I think I've seen
a draughts board there somewhere. No, no, we're no' playing that!
How many countries have you shagged? Eh?
What are you on aboot, Winston? Oh, aye, we used to dae this
years ago. How many foreign lassies have you pumped?
A belter of a game, Winston.
OK, hold on. Gie us a minute. Let me think.
Come on to buggery. What are you wanting, a map?
Do the home countries count?
Aye. Scotland.
England.
Ireland.
That's just for starters.
Well, what about Wales? No, I never made it to Wales.
Belgium.
France!
Switzerland.
On a train.
Oh, that were marvellous. See that train?
It passed into Italy. So do I get Italy?
No, because if you'd shagged somebody on an aeroplane
you could've got... nine countries, so no!
Norway!
Is that you?
Aye, that's me.
Right, my turn.
Er, Scotland, England, Ireland...Wales!
Er...
France.
Er, Germany.
And Italy.
Seven.
Aye. How many did you get?
Seven.
A draw?! That's pish.
No, no, no, no. Jack's no' went.
Er, and I'll no' be going, either, because, um, well,
I'm just about ready to get the door, so...
Right, I'm declaring myself the winner,
cos Italy's further away than Switzerland.
Ach, gie us some peace.
Well, if it's distance, um, Canada.
Eh? Canada?
When we were there?
You shagged somebody? No, no, no, no.
Long before that.
No, it was round about when Jean died.
So, um...Canada.
I slept with somebody. That's it.
What about that, Victor? Canada?
Mm! I would love to go to Canada again, Winston.
Aye.
"Get your hole in Canada"!
Come on!
Right.
Well, er, Charlotte was her name. Er, and you remember the state
I was in after Jean died, you know. So, well,
my Fiona phoned me up and she said,
"Look, Dad, why don't you come over to us
"in Canada, you know, and have a wee break from it,
"get your mind off it, you know,
"get over Mum a wee bit? It'll do you good."
Anyway, as you know, I went.
Well, what a reception I got when I got there.
She'd done the right thing when she married that Tony boy, I'll tell you.
Well, they'd got a gathering ready for us, you know, and laid a BBQ.
Um, a BBQ's sort of a big fry-up that you have in the garden.
That's what they do out there, you see?
And there was lots of neighbours there, and that's when I met this, er, Charlotte.
A lovely woman, aye. Very, very good-looking.
Ages with me, and she was gabby and funny and all that, you know?
And I bumped into her, oh, three or four times, maybe more, and she suggested
to me one day, "Why don't we just go away for the day, y'know, entertain ourselves?"
And I said, "Aye, I'll go." So that was, y'know, a sort of date.
Well, you want have heard my Fiona - "Oh, my dad's going on a date,
"my dad's going on a date!" Y'know?
Anyway, off we went, I had a phenomenal day, laughing the whole day through, you know.
And, of course, day became night, and we're stuck there, and we went,
"Oh, we'll just book into a hotel," and...
Well, th-th-that's when it happened, y'know?
That's when we...
Y'know, it was the most natural thing in the world.
She just...
I went to her arms, and...
Well, we slept together.
Anyway, after, when we were lying in the bed,
I took that photograph that I keep of Jean in my wallet
and I showed it to her, y'know? And, um...
You know what she said, Victor? She said, "My God, Jack,
"you married a beautiful woman."
And anyway, about er, two weeks later, that was me coming home.
I mean, I could've stayed, because we were talking about it often enough.
But I said, "No, no." I said, "I want to get back."
And, y'know, Jean's memory, and all the rest of it.
You know, I was just...
Anyway, I was in the airport, and, um...
Well, Charlotte never came to the airport.
And, er...I was standing there.
I took that photograph out again, and I looked at it.
And, er...
She was a... She was a beautiful woman, my Jean. Wasn't she?
Well, I come home, and...
Well, it was about a year later.
Right out of the blue I got an airmail letter, you see?
And, er, well, I opened it up...
...and there was only the one line in it. And it said...
South Africa!
Ha! I forgot all aboot that!
I've shagged South Africa! That's miles away.
Miles further than Canada.
So get it up ye. South Africa! I win!
Well done, Winston. You win.
FIZZING
Let it go!
Oh, look at that! Oh, no!
KNOCK ON DOOR
DOOR OPENS
Er, we're really sorry, Navid.
It was an accident.
We didnae mean to mess your caravan.
Don't slit our throats.
It's no' me that's going to slit your throat. It's him.
DOG GROWLS Big Eddie.
I look after his caravan,
and I gave you the wrong key by mistake.
Oh.
Technically, it's your fault, then.
DOG GROWLS AND BARKS
And Jack comes up on the inside with Canada,
and he thinks he's won, cos it's distance, see?
So on the basis of distance,
I've suddenly remembered, boom! South Africa!
Blew the two silly old duffers right oot the water.
5,976 miles frae Glasgow.
Impressive.
But I can beat it. Shut up!
The furthest you've been is Parkmill
for your wangaloona, you junkie bastard.
THEY LAUGH
My distance is 249...
..million miles.
Away and don't talk a lot of shite. Where was she frae? Mars?
Yes.
She had shimmering green skin
and two big, mad tentacles for arms and an indeterminate amount of legs.
And one eye...
..where her mouth should be.
So, did this one-eyed, leggy looker have a name?
Susan.