1 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:36,840 What time is it? 2 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,560 Eight o'clock. 3 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,320 Aye, still a wee bit of light, and by the looks of things, 4 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:43,360 it's going to be a nice day tomorrow. 5 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,040 Aye. Well, that's what they say, isn't it? 6 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,280 A red sky at night is, eh... 7 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,840 It's got something to do with a shepherd's pie, innit? 8 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,320 Red sky at night - shepherd's delight. 9 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,640 Red sky in the morning... 10 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,480 ..isnae. 11 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,560 Naw, here's what it is. 12 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,640 Red sky at night - you've got dementia. 13 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,640 Red sky in the morning - Alzheimer's warning. 14 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,120 Right, well, I am just aboot done 15 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,920 with this scintillating conversation. Are you coming, Jack? 16 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,320 Aye. 17 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:15,760 I'll nick into Navid's, get a nice wee bottle of gut-rot. 18 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:16,880 Navid's is shut. 19 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,640 What? At eight o'clock, the last four Fridays. 20 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,040 HE SIGHS 21 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,160 Shit. How's Navid shutting early on a Friday? 22 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,480 Dunno. Getting old. 23 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,200 Fed up. Sweet sherry, Boabby. 24 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,040 Hey, boys. 25 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,840 Isa, why is Navid shutting early on a Friday? 26 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,960 I don't know. 27 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:38,160 Maybe you could work it oot. 28 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:42,000 All I know is, he shuts the shop, 29 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,960 him and Meena get in the van in a hurry, 30 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,640 bags of messages, cans of soup and that, 31 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,480 and away they go. 32 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,720 Aye, but where? 33 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,760 Oh, good question, Victor. 34 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,280 I snuck a peek at his petrol gauge when he gets back. 35 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:59,720 Noo, he always fills it up before he goes, 36 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:03,600 but it's just a quarter full when he returns. 37 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:07,120 Tam, how many miles to the gallon does that van of Navid's dae? 38 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,000 30, 35? 39 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,240 Right. How much does it cost to fill it up? 40 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:12,600 55 quid. 41 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,240 Hmm. So three-quarters of a tank. How many miles is that? 42 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,520 Well, three-quarters of a tank, 43 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:22,400 at an average of 35mpg, gives you a radius of 130 miles. 44 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,600 Halved, of course. It's got to come back. 45 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,040 Right. There's Navid's, 46 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,480 there's your 65-mile radius. 47 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,200 Could be anywhere. Aye. That would gie your arse a sore heid. 48 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:37,120 You'd need to know what direction he was going in. Forward, probably. 49 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,720 Nae point reversing everywhere, huh! 50 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,800 Found that in his work-coat pocket. 51 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:48,920 Morrisons. Two sandwiches. Last Friday night. 52 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:52,680 Troon. There's your direction right there. 53 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,320 Why is he driving to Troon for two sandwiches? 54 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:59,560 Because he's en route to somewhere, Poundland Columbo! 55 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,400 Ayr! Hmm... 56 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,440 Eh, Stranraer? Too far. 57 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,000 Cornwall! 58 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,920 Stranraer was too far. 59 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,320 Silver Sands Caravan Site! 60 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,000 Gie the man a free pint, Boabby! 61 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,400 Yes! 62 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,040 That was good fun. 63 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,320 Well done, everybody. 64 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,800 Isa, did you know that already? 65 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:33,800 Aye. Worked it oot last week, but he swore me no' to tell anybody, 66 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,920 else he'd bag me, so thought I'd let yous work it oot for yourselves. 67 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:41,240 Took a wee bit longer than me, but no' bad! 68 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,240 Do I get my free pint, then? 69 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,440 It's a turn of phrase! 70 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,520 Yeah, allow Navid. Fly bastard. 71 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,320 Got himself a caravan. 72 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,800 We love caravans. 73 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,840 Aye, we're caravan daft, sure. 74 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,960 Cos it's no' quite a car...or a van. 75 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,840 It's a phenomenal blend. Genius design. 76 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:00,880 Oh, now look, yous two. 77 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,760 Any of yous, 78 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,600 you cannae let on you know. 79 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,120 I'm the only one that's supposed to know. 80 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,520 If you're trying to wangle a weekend away, 81 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,480 please, I am begging you, 82 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,720 be subtle. 83 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,240 BOTH: # Every woman, every man Join the caravan of love 84 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,360 # Stand up 85 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,600 # Stand up Stand up 86 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,040 # I'm your brother 87 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,960 # I'm your brother, don't you know 88 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,000 # So we're begging you, please 89 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,960 # Lend us your caravan keys 90 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960 # Stand up Stand up 91 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,920 # Stand up! # Eh? 92 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:38,040 Isa, you rotund, jabber-mouth bastard. 93 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,880 94 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,000 I never said a word. 95 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,560 I was just sitting in the Clansman minding my ain business 96 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,880 with my sweet sherry... 97 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,440 ..calculator and an Ordnance Survey map. 98 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,640 Navid. What? 99 00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:00,120 C'mon! Lend us the caravan. Just for a couple of days. 100 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,240 Gentlemen, let me be straight with you. 101 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,400 Naw! 102 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:05,920 Fair do's. 103 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,080 Yes, we know when we've been beaten. 104 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,720 Hey, Victor? Hmm? 105 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,520 When was the last time you were on holiday 106 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,320 with your dearly departed but beloved wife Betty? 107 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,840 Oh, you're going back now. 108 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,880 Morecambe. We had to come hame early 109 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,080 because she wasn't feeling very well. 110 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,440 Of course, 111 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,920 she was taken from me 112 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,240 a fortnight later. 113 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:26,720 God rest you, Betty. 114 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:27,960 Here, Jack, 115 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,480 did you not make a solemn vow to never take a holiday again 116 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,840 after Jean passed? 117 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,520 You know I don't like speaking about that. Don't take me there. 118 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,400 Get it telt, Jack. Get if aff your chest. 119 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,880 You'll feel better. Well, if I have to tell it, 120 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,840 I'll have to buy a packet of Handy Andy tissues. 121 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,560 TILL BEEPS 122 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,800 COINS CLATTER 123 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:11,640 Rothesay. 124 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,040 Lovely summer's day. We walked for hours and hours. 125 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,640 It was absolutely beautiful. 126 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,600 So was Jean. In that dress I'd bought her. Yellow it was. 127 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,320 I bought it special for that occasion. 128 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,960 Even toyed with the idea of letting the ferry go 129 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,840 and stay in the B&B for the night. 130 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,280 Anyway, there was a wee ice-cream truck, 131 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:29,680 Giacomo's it was called. 132 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,400 Jean liked a 99. 133 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,080 And she also liked an oyster or a wafer. 134 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,400 Or a single nougat. 135 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,840 Or a double nougat. 136 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:39,160 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 137 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,400 Anyway, I opted to buy the 99, 138 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,960 she ate the Flake first. 139 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,720 And she really liked it, you know? 140 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,760 Well, the sun was going down, and the ferry drew away. 141 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,080 It sounded its horn to signify its departure, 142 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,040 and a perfect white seagull showed up 143 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,040 and it took flight into the evening sky, 144 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,720 and I said to Jean, 145 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,360 "Look at that, darling." 146 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,320 I said, "Jean..." 147 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,080 ..but she never heard me because she was on the ground. 148 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:04,720 HE GASPS 149 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,200 She was gone. 150 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,880 SHE WAILS 151 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,760 The remains of the pokey-hat dribbling down the stank... 152 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,000 When I look back, I think... 153 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,400 I think that seagull was Jean's soul 154 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:25,440 flying into the great beyond and the unknown. 155 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:26,520 Enough. 156 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:28,960 Keep it tidy. 157 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,120 Thanking you! 158 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,400 # Every woman, every man 159 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,400 BOTH: # Join the caravan of love Stand up... # 160 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,720 Wait! 161 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,240 There's rules. 162 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,120 I'm bringing my pal Eddie on Saturday. 163 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,720 You've got one night. 164 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,200 Friday night. 165 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,440 Friday night! 166 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:47,960 Friday night is boys' night. 167 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,080 VICTOR CHUCKLES 168 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:51,560 DOOR BUZZER 169 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,360 Oh, you couple of bastards. 170 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,600 Take me wi' you. 171 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,640 No, he said we've to keep the place tidy. 172 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,920 That's right. And we've been in your place. 173 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,360 It looks like there's been an explosion in a charity shop. 174 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,400 And it smells like the device responsible for that explosion 175 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,360 was wrapped in a stinking fish supper. 176 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:08,960 HE SIGHS 177 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,800 Craiglang's a jail. 178 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,240 I want oot the jail, for one night. 179 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,800 Aye, a jail pass. 180 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,080 On compassionate leave. C'mon, take me with you. 181 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,560 Twice no. 182 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,440 Right, well... 183 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,960 ..you've made your case, and I have to stand by it. 184 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,240 Enjoy your trip. 185 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,200 But I will say a wee prayer the night, 186 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,080 that two rogue midges fly up your cocks 187 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,440 and eat your balls - frae the inside, mind - 188 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,320 and no' before laying a pile of eggs, 189 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,760 which at a later date will hatch, 190 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:43,240 and a plume of baby midges will come flying oot the eye of your tadger! 191 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,720 Is that frae the Rocky movie, The Eye Of The Tadger? 192 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,200 It is indeed, Jack! 193 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,400 Now change the record, Rocky Bal-bore. 194 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,440 THEY CHUCKLE 195 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,400 Huh. Are we there yet? 196 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,080 Nearly. 197 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,600 DRIVER: Next stop, Silver Sands. 198 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,960 That's us, son! No worries. 199 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,000 Here, Jack, Navid says if we need it, 200 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,360 we can even fold down the wee dining table, 201 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,200 and that turns into a bed. 202 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,360 No, we've got the two singles. We'll no' need that. 203 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,360 Aye, you will. 204 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,680 Ach... 205 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,960 SEAGULLS CRY 206 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,240 DOG BARKS 207 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,760 H52. It cannae be far now. 208 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,840 Christ, we've been walking for ages. 209 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,920 Well, you wouldn't have been doing any walking if you weren't here, 210 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,680 you interloping bastard. Aye. 211 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,240 All uphill, an' all. I wouldnae want to make that journey twice. 212 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,200 Oh, y... 213 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,840 I cannae stop! 214 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,080 H51... H52... 215 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,960 We're on holiday. 216 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,240 Wow! 217 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,200 Ooh, that's like a palace, isn't it? 218 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,480 Aye. Right, let's get it open. Aye. Aye. 219 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,680 Oh-ho-ho-ho! 220 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,240 Minted. Absolutely minted. 221 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,880 That'll be Meena's touch, you know? 222 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,400 Cream carpets. Lovely. 223 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,200 Aye, look at these sofas, huh? 224 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,320 I can see why he wants us to keep it tidy. 225 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,640 Aye, lovely. 226 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,440 I'm needing a shit. Big time. 227 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:29,840 For God's sake! 228 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,440 Taking a shit in somebody's caravan, you filthy caveman. 229 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,080 Well, what do you want me to dae, take a shit outside, aye? 230 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,840 Like a bear in the wild? 231 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,240 Like Tarzan? 232 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:40,880 "Excuse me a minute, Jane." 233 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,480 HE MAKES A TARZAN CALL 234 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,600 "Oh, that'll be the witchetty grubs I had for my breakfast. 235 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:47,840 "They went right through me." 236 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:52,080 No. If you'll excuse me, Victor, I'm touching cloth here. 237 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,440 Right, let's get the tea on, eh? 238 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,240 This is like Scouts, isn't it? 239 00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,960 All mucking in together. 240 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,880 We've got the food, we've got the drink. 241 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,520 Yeah, a bit of banter. 242 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,480 And of course... 243 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,120 ..share and share alike. 244 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:12,640 Wait a minute. 245 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,440 Tea, tea, knives, knives. Where's the roly-poly? 246 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,040 What roly-poly? Er, the one I bought from Navid's. 247 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:22,520 With the jam all through it? With the jam all through it, aye. 248 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,320 And a sponge? I know what constitutes a roly-poly. 249 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,560 Where is the bastard? 250 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,440 Was that your roly-poly? No, it was your roly-poly. 251 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,640 I was going to cut it up and have it with our tea. 252 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,120 I love roly-poly. Shut up! 253 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,680 Where is it, Victor? 254 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,320 I'm not going to lie to you, Jack. Dyb-dyb-dyb. I don't know. 255 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,400 Well, what you doing with jam and crumbs all down the front of ye? 256 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,360 Have I? You have, aye. 257 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,120 I scuttled it. I was starving! 258 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,800 Who eats an entire roly-poly? You greedy bastard! 259 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,280 For God's sake, Jack, calm down. It's away. 260 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,320 There's nae retrieving it. What's done is done. 261 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,520 If it's roly-poly you're wanting, I've just made a belter in here. 262 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,200 Nae jam in it, but. 263 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,200 Right, scoop up they crumbs. 264 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,360 Put them in the sink. Come on. And wipe off that jam. 265 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,280 You know what he said - keep the place clean. 266 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,120 Fair do's, Jack. 267 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,920 Hm. 268 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,320 Right, what are we having with this tea? What have we got left? Er... 269 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,880 Beans. Beans? Tea with beans? 270 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,280 You can have a whole tin. I'm stuffed. 271 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,320 I'll stuff the beans up your arse! What's the racket oot there? 272 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,080 Och, this selfish bastard. VICTOR CHUCKLES 273 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:34,600 Apparently, if you want to eat a whole roly-poly, 274 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,560 you've to apply for Jack's permission. 275 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:38,480 Calm doon, the pair of yous. 276 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,280 Screaming like a couple of banshees. 277 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,880 Gie it a rest. 278 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:43,560 How long have you known each other? 279 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,880 DOOR OPENS 280 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,000 Come up for air. Take a deep breath and... 281 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,600 JACK AND VICTOR GASP 282 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,400 Oh, aye... Sorry about that. 283 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,840 I've been nursing that toxic toalie since Craiglang. 284 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,440 It didnae want to leave. 285 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,160 I wish you would leave, you dirty, smelly tosspot. 286 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,960 Spray something in there. Aye, like petrol, and then light it. 287 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,680 It's the only way you're getting rid of that unholy smell. 288 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:09,040 Listen to the pair of yous. What do your keechs smell of? 289 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,400 Baked biscuits? Lavender? 290 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,240 Well, no' something that fell oot a dinosaur's arse, anyway. 291 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,840 Oh, for God's sake, Winston, that's gone everywhere! 292 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,560 It's only water. Calm doon. 293 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,720 I've got it, I've got it. 294 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,200 It's fine. 295 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,080 Right, let's sit doon, we'll chill oot 296 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,760 and we'll have a beer. 297 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:37,960 Well, you've got the beer and the whisky, so... 298 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,800 No. You had it in a poly bag. 299 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,000 Oh, no. 300 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,120 What? 301 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,120 I've left it on the bus. 302 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,240 You're joking! I wish I was, but... 303 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,320 Well, that's just dandy, isn't it? Noo look what you've done. 304 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:53,760 Look what I've done? I cannae see what I've done 305 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,040 for the shit-fog you've left in here. 306 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,720 Someone's going to have to go and get a carry-oot. What do we need? 307 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,760 Well, we don't need cola. I've seen to that. 308 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:04,440 Right, but we need a half-bottle of vodka, some tinnies. 309 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,680 Oh, aye, and a pizza, because there's a pizza shop doon there. 310 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,760 I don't think I could go a pizza. I'm kind of... Full of roly-poly? 311 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:14,120 Well, good for you, because you weren't getting any! I'm starving! 312 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,200 The shop's away back down the hill. It's ages away, at the front. 313 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,840 I nominate Winston. 314 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,000 I second that. 315 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,080 Up yous. I've only got one leg. 316 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,360 And you've only got one leg to get sore. 317 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,840 We've got two each, so...hop on. 318 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,520 SEAGULLS CRY 319 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,320 Right, pizza place, offie's. 320 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:49,840 Pub. 321 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:14,720 HE GROANS 322 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,720 Beautiful caravan. 323 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,200 Worth the journey. 324 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,080 Oh, aye, aye. It's a different mind-set, isn't it? 325 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,520 Your own tiny, wee, perfect getaway. 326 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,400 It's Friday night! 327 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,360 And Friday night's all right. 328 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,600 The world's our oyster. Anything could happen. 329 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,280 And will happen. 330 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,000 THEY CHUCKLE 331 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,080 Will we just put the telly on? 332 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,640 Aye, a wee bit of telly. Aye. 333 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,000 A nature programme. 334 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000 Oh, good. Well done. Aye, cheers. 335 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,120 Oh-ho-ho! 336 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,320 What you daeing? Having a smoke. 337 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,680 Er, no, no, no, no, no, no. We've to keep this place clean. 338 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,120 I am going to keep it clean. 339 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,440 I've got an ashtray there. 340 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,080 Full of cigar dowts, see? 341 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,720 No. Open a windae. 342 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,200 HE SIGHS 343 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,320 JACK GROANS 344 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,400 There y'are, Mr Hitler. 345 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:16,080 Oh, here, I hope this is about cheetahs, cos I love cheetahs. 346 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,600 I hope it's a marine one. 347 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,840 Fish and squid and coral and all that. 348 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,760 No, no, no, no, big cats, big game, that's what you're after. 349 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,160 Ach, it's always the same, Jack, 350 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,600 chasing some poor gazelle, then eating it. 351 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,480 You've seen it a thousand times. 352 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:30,920 Attenborough's your man. 353 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,120 No, Jacques Cousteau's the king. 354 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,320 Jacques Cousteau was a daft old walloper. 355 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,360 Cutting aboot the deep like he was 25 - 356 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,600 that is no way for a pensioner to behave. 357 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,040 That is out of order! 358 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,320 Shh! Here we go. 359 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,000 Come on. Fish. Cheetahs. 360 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,040 BOTH GROAN 361 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,600 BOTH: Monkeys?! 362 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,480 I hate monkeys! Me, an' all. Chattering bastards. 363 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,400 Ohhh! That was a bit close. 364 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,120 Settle doon! Sorry. 365 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:00,400 What's the matter with ye? Och, I'm parched! So am I. 366 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,880 Where is this bastard with the booze, eh? 367 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,960 MUSIC BLARES 368 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,360 Hey! Hey, where are you going? 369 00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:14,000 I've got to go and get a pizza. 370 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:18,560 You no' buying me another drink? What? You've drank all my money. 371 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,440 I don't need your money, honey, I need your love! 372 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,840 Eh? 373 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,000 What? What? Oh, for... 374 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,200 Here, here, I've got something to tell you. 375 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,960 I've got a rubber leg. 376 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:38,520 It's no' your leg I'm interested in! 377 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,680 HE LAUGHS 378 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,120 That's three hours he's been away. 379 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,800 You don't think something's happened to him? 380 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,440 It's a hell of a time. 381 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,600 Right. 382 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,200 C'mon. Right... 383 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,200 OWL HOOTS 384 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,560 He'll be lying pished somewhere. 385 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:10,920 See, I've heard about things like this. What? 386 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,440 These are the perfect conditions 387 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:14,360 where you could get abducted by an alien. 388 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,200 Well, I'm no Carl Sagan, Jack, 389 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,320 but I wouldnae imagine there's any aliens oot there 390 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,760 interested in probing our arses. 391 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,080 They might want tae have a look up Winston's bumhole 392 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,840 after that science experiment he left in our lavvy. 393 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,320 This is a wash-out. 394 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,080 Hame the morrow, and we've no' done anything. 395 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,840 Like what? We've done nothing, we've seen nothing. 396 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,880 And right noo, we can see hee haw. 397 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,560 There's a reason for that! 398 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,080 That's because you're a landlubber. Take a look up there. 399 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,040 What am I looking at? That's a map. 400 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,480 That's how they dae it oot here. They navigate by the stars. 401 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,000 There's your North Star. 402 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,560 There's your Plough. There's your Orion's Belt. 403 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:51,320 Are you telling me you can use the stars to locate pished pals? 404 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,440 No, I'm telling you, with that up there you need never be lost again. 405 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,040 That is all you need. 406 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,160 You don't need lights, you don't need your Wi-Fi, 407 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,520 you don't need your telephones and you don't need sat navigation. 408 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,400 That's right, if you play your cards right 409 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,320 and keep your wits aboot you, ach... Ohhh! 410 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,880 SPLATTER 411 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,560 Jack! Jack! 412 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,640 I'm doon here! Jesus! 413 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,880 I'm all right, I'm all right. I just tripped o'er something. 414 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,120 Evening! 415 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,320 Argh! 416 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,080 I'm stuck. 417 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,120 Jesus, you look like Steve McQueen's fell aff his motorbike. 418 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,280 Where's our drink?! Where's our pizza? 419 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,960 Yes, I'm fine, thanks. 420 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,080 I'm sorry, Winston. Are you all right? Aye. 421 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,960 Where's our drink, where's our pizza? 422 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,040 Oh, I got something better than pizza! 423 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,600 Like what? 424 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,000 My hole! 425 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,120 HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 426 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,240 I want my bed. 427 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,400 Hey, Victor, wait. 428 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,760 What? He's manky. 429 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:58,440 Huh! Aye, manky with the drink. 430 00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,960 No, manky with the muck. 431 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,400 And you're not going in there to spread it all over the place. 432 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,080 Well, what are you going to dae, hose me doon like a prisoner? 433 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,120 OWL HOOTS Let him have it, Jack. 434 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,120 What's this shit? 435 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,520 Guantanamo, eh? 436 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,480 Dae your worst. I'll never talk! 437 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,960 Agh! 438 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,120 How do you like that, you manky bastard? 439 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,800 Get the hands. The hands are filthy. 440 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,560 Agh! My name's Winston! 441 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:25,680 Agh, don't...! 442 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,760 Don't spill it. 443 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,120 I'm sorry about that, boys. 444 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,560 It's no' like me. 445 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,680 And this woman, she... 446 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,240 She called to me. 447 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,160 Like a siren, she drew me in. 448 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,600 I was powerless. 449 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:47,840 You were pished. 450 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,280 On our money. Look, I'll square you up. 451 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,280 VICTOR SIGHS 452 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,440 Nice to get a wee break, isn't it? 453 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,480 Nice to be in the country. Hm! I'd rather be in the Clansman. 454 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,280 So would I. 455 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,720 Anyway, Navid's coming noo. We'll be away oot of here shortly. 456 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:08,880 Look, I've said I'm sorry. Ach, it's no' that, Winston. 457 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:12,440 We just thought we'd come doon here, y'know, have a few drinks, 458 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,120 a few laughs, talk about old times, get a wee game, 459 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:20,200 a wee game of cards, so... Is it a wee game you're wanting? 460 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,680 We've still got time. 461 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,400 Let's play a game. 462 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,960 Um...I think I've seen 463 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,520 a draughts board there somewhere. No, no, we're no' playing that! 464 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,240 How many countries have you shagged? Eh? 465 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:39,240 What are you on aboot, Winston? Oh, aye, we used to dae this 466 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,160 years ago. How many foreign lassies have you pumped? 467 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,080 A belter of a game, Winston. 468 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,200 OK, hold on. Gie us a minute. Let me think. 469 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,240 Come on to buggery. What are you wanting, a map? 470 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,040 Do the home countries count? 471 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,520 Aye. Scotland. 472 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,160 England. 473 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,800 Ireland. 474 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,080 That's just for starters. 475 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,320 Well, what about Wales? No, I never made it to Wales. 476 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:06,840 Belgium. 477 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,320 France! 478 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:09,840 Switzerland. 479 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,880 On a train. 480 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,800 Oh, that were marvellous. See that train? 481 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,120 It passed into Italy. So do I get Italy? 482 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,760 No, because if you'd shagged somebody on an aeroplane 483 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,440 you could've got... nine countries, so no! 484 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,920 Norway! 485 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,280 Is that you? 486 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,600 Aye, that's me. 487 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,880 Right, my turn. 488 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,760 Er, Scotland, England, Ireland...Wales! 489 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,600 Er... 490 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:39,840 France. 491 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:42,200 Er, Germany. 492 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,880 And Italy. 493 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,280 Seven. 494 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,520 Aye. How many did you get? 495 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,680 Seven. 496 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:52,880 A draw?! That's pish. 497 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,320 No, no, no, no. Jack's no' went. 498 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,880 Er, and I'll no' be going, either, because, um, well, 499 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:00,920 I'm just about ready to get the door, so... 500 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,600 Right, I'm declaring myself the winner, 501 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,480 cos Italy's further away than Switzerland. 502 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,520 Ach, gie us some peace. 503 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,920 Well, if it's distance, um, Canada. 504 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,840 Eh? Canada? 505 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,840 When we were there? 506 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,720 You shagged somebody? No, no, no, no. 507 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:17,960 Long before that. 508 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,840 No, it was round about when Jean died. 509 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,440 So, um...Canada. 510 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,360 I slept with somebody. That's it. 511 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,240 What about that, Victor? Canada? 512 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,360 Mm! I would love to go to Canada again, Winston. 513 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,240 Aye. 514 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,840 "Get your hole in Canada"! 515 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,920 Come on! 516 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,520 Right. 517 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,680 Well, er, Charlotte was her name. Er, and you remember the state 518 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,280 I was in after Jean died, you know. So, well, 519 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,040 my Fiona phoned me up and she said, 520 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,080 "Look, Dad, why don't you come over to us 521 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,440 "in Canada, you know, and have a wee break from it, 522 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:53,920 "get your mind off it, you know, 523 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,960 "get over Mum a wee bit? It'll do you good." 524 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,360 Anyway, as you know, I went. 525 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,080 Well, what a reception I got when I got there. 526 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,640 She'd done the right thing when she married that Tony boy, I'll tell you. 527 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:07,000 Well, they'd got a gathering ready for us, you know, and laid a BBQ. 528 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,040 Um, a BBQ's sort of a big fry-up that you have in the garden. 529 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,680 That's what they do out there, you see? 530 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,400 And there was lots of neighbours there, and that's when I met this, er, Charlotte. 531 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,960 A lovely woman, aye. Very, very good-looking. 532 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:23,320 Ages with me, and she was gabby and funny and all that, you know? 533 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:27,600 And I bumped into her, oh, three or four times, maybe more, and she suggested 534 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,640 to me one day, "Why don't we just go away for the day, y'know, entertain ourselves?" 535 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,840 And I said, "Aye, I'll go." So that was, y'know, a sort of date. 536 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,000 Well, you want have heard my Fiona - "Oh, my dad's going on a date, 537 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,080 "my dad's going on a date!" Y'know? 538 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:44,360 Anyway, off we went, I had a phenomenal day, laughing the whole day through, you know. 539 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:47,200 And, of course, day became night, and we're stuck there, and we went, 540 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,640 "Oh, we'll just book into a hotel," and... 541 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:51,680 Well, th-th-that's when it happened, y'know? 542 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,360 That's when we... 543 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:56,000 Y'know, it was the most natural thing in the world. 544 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,160 She just... 545 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,040 I went to her arms, and... 546 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,800 Well, we slept together. 547 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,800 Anyway, after, when we were lying in the bed, 548 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,480 I took that photograph that I keep of Jean in my wallet 549 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,720 and I showed it to her, y'know? And, um... 550 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,640 You know what she said, Victor? She said, "My God, Jack, 551 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,240 "you married a beautiful woman." 552 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,280 And anyway, about er, two weeks later, that was me coming home. 553 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,880 I mean, I could've stayed, because we were talking about it often enough. 554 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,000 But I said, "No, no." I said, "I want to get back." 555 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,520 And, y'know, Jean's memory, and all the rest of it. 556 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,400 You know, I was just... 557 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,320 Anyway, I was in the airport, and, um... 558 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,840 Well, Charlotte never came to the airport. 559 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,200 And, er...I was standing there. 560 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,200 I took that photograph out again, and I looked at it. 561 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:41,800 And, er... 562 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,160 She was a... She was a beautiful woman, my Jean. Wasn't she? 563 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:50,080 Well, I come home, and... 564 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,000 Well, it was about a year later. 565 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,320 Right out of the blue I got an airmail letter, you see? 566 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,360 And, er, well, I opened it up... 567 00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:01,400 ...and there was only the one line in it. And it said... 568 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,880 South Africa! 569 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,840 Ha! I forgot all aboot that! 570 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,800 I've shagged South Africa! That's miles away. 571 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,360 Miles further than Canada. 572 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:15,120 So get it up ye. South Africa! I win! 573 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,800 Well done, Winston. You win. 574 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,360 FIZZING 575 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,280 Let it go! 576 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:35,160 Oh, look at that! Oh, no! 577 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,600 KNOCK ON DOOR 578 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:44,920 DOOR OPENS 579 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,320 Er, we're really sorry, Navid. 580 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,520 It was an accident. 581 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,680 We didnae mean to mess your caravan. 582 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,680 Don't slit our throats. 583 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,240 It's no' me that's going to slit your throat. It's him. 584 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,440 DOG GROWLS Big Eddie. 585 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:04,000 I look after his caravan, 586 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,040 and I gave you the wrong key by mistake. 587 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,600 Oh. 588 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,880 Technically, it's your fault, then. 589 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,840 DOG GROWLS AND BARKS 590 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,120 And Jack comes up on the inside with Canada, 591 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,680 and he thinks he's won, cos it's distance, see? 592 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,800 So on the basis of distance, 593 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,560 I've suddenly remembered, boom! South Africa! 594 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,320 Blew the two silly old duffers right oot the water. 595 00:27:55,320 --> 00:28:00,120 5,976 miles frae Glasgow. 596 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,640 Impressive. 597 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,720 But I can beat it. Shut up! 598 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,800 The furthest you've been is Parkmill 599 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,160 for your wangaloona, you junkie bastard. 600 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:10,720 THEY LAUGH 601 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,680 My distance is 249... 602 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,040 ..million miles. 603 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:18,160 Away and don't talk a lot of shite. Where was she frae? Mars? 604 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,440 Yes. 605 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,680 She had shimmering green skin 606 00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:26,360 and two big, mad tentacles for arms and an indeterminate amount of legs. 607 00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,280 And one eye... 608 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:30,000 ..where her mouth should be. 609 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,280 So, did this one-eyed, leggy looker have a name? 610 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:34,960 Susan.