What is it?
It is the future.
That's no the future. That's a Dalek!
Let me paint you a scenario.
I'm serving somebody. There are two people behind in the queue,
raging because some doddery old fart is going through her purse
looking for ones and twos to pay for her eggs.
72...
Wait! 73...
The guy behind is shouting, "I only came in for pipe cleaners!"
And I say, "Oh, calm the beans.
"The scanner will attend to you."
The future is here.
Star Trek shit.
So it's to make things easier?
TRANSLATION
She's saying, have a go.
Aye.
Hello there!
SELF-CHECKOUT: Good morning.
Please scan your item.
BEEP
Ooh!
Are you gaun' anywhere nice for your holidays this year?
Did you hear Mickey McGinlay's got Crohn's disease?
I don't like her, Navid.
She's a bit aloof.
No, you're right. Maybe we should wait till next year, when they update it...
..to the GabShite 3000!
There we are now.
What can I get for you? Hello, Sandra!
Oh, hello, Peggy!
Some queue.
Och, it's always murder on a Thursday.
How's your Davie? Oh, aye.
He's still got that flesh-eating bug.
You can actually see his kneecap noo.
And he will insist on wearing shorts.
Oh, I love a flesh-eating story,
just when I'm about to buy some fresh flesh from the butcher for eating.
Oh, aye. It makes your mouth water, doesn't it?
Aye, like the flood you get just before you howk up.
Are you in for much? Naw.
Just a steak pie.
Which'll probably be away by the time
I get to the front! Ach, well.
I'll take that steak pie for Peggy.
You can pay me in a minute, hen.
Hey, wait a minute. We've walked all the way over here for a steak pie.
Aye, and then this chanty wrassler whips in
and steals it fae underneath wir nose?
Keep your hair on, boys. There'll be a fresh batch the morra.
Queue-jumper!
I am not a queue-jumper.
My friend extended a generosity,
and I graciously took it.
Well, you can graciously go and take a running f...
Four sausages, Billy. Easy, Jack.
You're still queue-jumping, ya greedy big b...
And a mince round, please.
Are you no gonnae say something?
Jack, Victor, I'm no bothering, you see?
Next week, I'll be in Fuengirola,
sipping a beer, and tanning my hide.
So don't stress me before I go, eh?
You're going to need a better system than this, Billy.
You cannae just olive-pick out the queue like that, you know.
Cherry. What did I say?
Move. Thanking you.
Mrs Watson!
There we are.
Thank you, my dear.
Ah, Mr Sheathing. How's things in the funeral trade?
People still dying to get in, eh?
Ha-ha! "Dying to get in." Very good, Billy.
Can I trouble you for a pork chop?
Oh! You certainly can. Here, there's a nice big one here -
look. You have that on the house.
Tell you what, that might buy me a wee bit more time, eh?
Ha-ha!
Mrs Toner!
What can I get for you?
Four Valentine chops, two slices of raw beef ham, six slices of Lorne,
and a packet of tattie scones,
and one of they huge bones for Rusty. Oh, he loves them.
Likes to chew them into wee bits to get to the marra!
Oh, son.
You'll no see the marra!
So see this wee knobbly bit? Please scan your item.
It goes in the opposite end... Please scan your item.
..of the springy bit. Scan it, love!
Scan it! I am scanning it.
Well, you're no scanning it.
If you were scanning it, it would be beeping! Beep!
Not you, love. You don't go beep, the machine goes beep.
It's not going beep.
Please scan your item. One minute. Right, you, ya dafto.
Haud on, Navid. I've got this. Thanks.
Please scan your... BEEP
Oh, that's smashing, son!
In my day we went to Curley's and a lovely man with a white coat
behind the counter would get everything for you.
I remember Curley's, aye.
OK, so let's put the money in here. How much?
Jesus.
Just the wan.
Oh.
In there.
I suppose this is the way things will be going from now on.
It'll be spaceships for taxis next. DOOR BUZZER
Oh, I won't be around to see that.
I'm 92.
Oh, come on, now. We haven't seen you in here before.
What's your name?
Maggie. Maggie Stoddart.
Stoddart. Maggie Stoddart...
Have you got a daughter? Aye.
Cathy Stoddart? That's her.
Oh! I was at school wi' Cathy! How's she doing?
She's a bastard.
Sorry to hear that.
Small world, though, eh?
Right. Let's get you hame. Thank you, son.
I'll get these.
Oh, that's awfully kind of you, son.
Not at all. Come on.
HE SIGHS, DOOR BUZZER
Computer! Four bog rolls, please.
Oh, suffering Christ!
See my daughter Cathy?
She was to take me to the big supermarket today, but, oh, not her.
"I can't, Mum! I'm too busy, Mum!"
Not only that, but I bought her the bloody car in the first place.
Take, take, take, that's her.
And Cathy lives with you?
No! Just me on my own.
Rattling around in that bloody barn.
Who needs four floors at my age, anyway?
She's just waiting for me to die so she can get the lot.
But what can I do? Aye, what can you dae?
This is awfully good of you, son.
No, no. Not at all.
See, I think the high-street butcher
should keep up with the supermarket butcher.
At least they let you have a number, and then your number comes up later on.
42, 43, 44, and I'm like that - "Oh, I've got 45, I'm next."
Then Peggy starts yakking to number 44
and pumps you oot the last steak pie, eh?
Aye, see, she's always been like that. She's a big rat bastard.
Is that Tam?
Tam.
Oh! There's my pals.
Excuse me, Maggie.
Jack, Victor.
Are you no gonnae introduce us to your extremely elderly companion?
Eh...naw.
Whit?
Don't be so rude!
That's Maggie.
She's family. Nearly family.
She's a pal of my auntie's. What auntie?
Well, technically no my auntie...
Know when you know someone really well but they're no exactly family?
It's an affectionate term you use
to somebody you know awful, awful, awful, awful well and you would say...
..."Hello, Auntie."
Aye. Like when I call Boabby "Auntie Boabby".
Always nice to meet yous two.
Come on, Maggie.
What was that Twilight Zone pish?
Not a clue. Boys!
That's Billy the Butcher deid. What?!
Aye!
We were only talking to him ten minutes ago.
Keeled ower.
There was an ambulance taking him to the hospital, but...
..he was blue.
God.
So, what do you think?
The bollocks, huh? Oh, aye.
It's a time-saver and no mistake.
Nae messin' aboot waiting on queues.
Bippity-boppity-boo, that's you sorted.
Well, enjoy. Any problems, I'm right here.
There'll no be any problems. My heid's no buttoned up the back.
Aye, my boy showed me how to work these.
Noo...where's the keyboard?
Keyboard?
So I can log in and find out what time the swimming's open.
I might even have a sauna.
Sauna? You're making me sweat.
It's no the bastard internet.
Well, what is it, then?
It is to facilitate your shopping experience.
Oh, aye.
Of course it is, of course it is. What a dumpling.
I was about to type in W-W-W-W-W-W-dot-Scotstoun Baths.
Right. I'll put in my card and I'll draw out 20
and I'll check my bank balance.
Santander. No, that's my superannuation.
Haud on. Oh, Bank of Scotland.
I told you already, you doddery old tit,
it's to facilitate your shopping experience!
In fact...
why don't you let me facilitate your arse out the door?
Hey! Hang on there, mate.
That was 30 year Billy was there. Aye.
It'll probably be a tanning salon next week.
The end of an era.
I'm gonnae miss them steak pies.
Jack! What?
The man's no even cold and you're thinking about your stomach.
Well...that's what the man was.
That's what he represented to us.
When Roger Moore died, everybody went, "Aww, there's James Bond deid."
When Peter Sellers died, everybody went,
"Oh, there's Inspector Clouseau deid."
So noo that Billy's died, everybody'll say,
"Aww, there's the steak pies died."
Aye.
Aye, I get your logic.
That gravy, eh? With the sausages all through it.
And the crust!
Golden. Well fired.
It was a thing of beauty.
A work of art.
Well, there's no shame in the fact that that's Billy's legacy.
I'm gonnae miss them.
Eh, it... Eh, him... Billy.
Mind you, Jack...
..there's one batch left.
What?
Billy used to make his pies in the morning for the next day. Uh-huh.
That's how that meat was so tender.
We get werselves down there tomorrow morning, pronto,
we'll get a couple each!
Fire them into the freezer!
Aye.
Mark his passing by stuffing up our faces.
That's respect, Victor.
Do you not think it's a bit grisly?
No...there was never any gristle in them.
HUBBUB There you go.
Hurry, boys!
Billy's pies are going fast.
Last batch ever!
Everything's going - steak, mince, chops.
It's to be a tanning salon as of next week.
Move! There's nae time to lose!
Oh, don't chance it.
It's pandemonium.
Winston, have you been crying? Naw.
Some auld bitch grabbed a lovely beef brisket oot my paw
and then pepper-sprayed me!
I'm eating this cold!
Jesus, it's like Saigon in there.
We cannae go in there, we'll get killed.
Watch this.
Has anybody seen my grandson Christopher?
Where are you, son?
He's only five. Blonde hair, blue eyes, just a wee thing.
Christopher, where are you, darlin'?
Oh, check the flair, he might have been trampled.
HUBBUB STOPS
Och, well, he must be up the park playing.
Four steak pies, please!
HUBBUB
Hey! What's your game? Put me doon!
Please, please, I must appeal for calm!
Billy would be turning in his grave! Don't talk pish!
He only died yesterday. He wouldn't have wanted this!
Aye, he would. He was an artist.
Gie's 20 sausages!
You're not allowed back here.
I've got a cattle prod.
Gie's the big pie!
No, no, no, the big one, son! The big one!
Oi, get back!
Take that tenner oot my pocket, Victor. Right, Jack.
Leave it! Cannae get it!
Oof!
Take it. Get oot.
Run. Run for your lives! Gie's 20 sausages
or I'll torch your bastarding hoose!
SIREN WAILS
POLICE OFFICER: Right! Oi!
I got a leg of lamb.
A whole leg of lamb!
With a bastarding shoe on it? Give me that!
HUBBUB
I got two. I got two, I got two!
Go, go, go, go, go!
TYRES SCREECH
SIRENS
Four people arrested?
In a bloody butcher's? Aye.
Tch!
Peggy was cautioned for inciting a riot.
Boabby, Winston, Shug,
this is Maggie.
ALL: Hello, Maggie.
Hello. Lovely to meet you.
Boabby, furnish us wi' two pie and beans.
I'll have a lager, and what are you for, Maggie?
Um, an Advocaat.
Advocaat? Very sophisticated.
Well, I think I've got a bottle somewhere.
Why don't you take a seat, my dear? I'll bring it over.
Oh, thank you.
Now, then.
Oh, my.
I've never seen a day like this.
And it's a real one!
I can close early.
Tam has went intae Tam's pocket,
pulled oot Tam's money,
and Tam's using it to pay for Tam's order!
Ho-ho! RINGS BELL
CHEERING
Shut up.
Is this, er, your new thing, Tam?
Grabbing grannies?
A wee dusty threesome wi' Frances?
How dare you, Shug?
Your irreverence is as big as your bastard lugs.
See this?
This isnae just a ring.
This is a symbol of fidelity.
I was at school wi' her daughter.
Aw that woman's looking for is a friend
and I am fulfilling that task.
You disgust me.
Make sure I get my change, Boabby.
Aye, well, that's me told.
It's still a great day.
Tam spending his ain money!
It's no a great day, Boabby.
See, if he'd walked in here
and he tried to wheedle that old dear into paying for his pie,
I wouldnae have raised an eyebrow, cos that's regular Tam.
But this Tam?
This is creepy Tam.
See, that behaviour there was an investment.
An investment? For a greater return.
He's descended to a whole other level.
Found it.
SQUEAKING
Tam!
Advocaat. Thank you, barkeep.
I mean, who the hell drinks that, anyway?
It's a Christmas drink, isn't it?
That wee woman doesnae look like she's gonnae see another Christmas.
See that steak pie we're sitting on?
Do you no feel a bit funny aboot it?
How so? Well, the size of that pie.
It would gie Desperate Dan a wobbly.
And the poor guy that made it died yesterday.
Does that no gie you the shudders?
Let me think.
Does taking a big spoon and cracking through that award-winning crust
and lifting out the tenderest hunk of hot beef in Scotstoun,
the finest gravy known to man,
gie me the shudders?
Yes, it does, Jack.
The shudders of delight.
Ah, well. Billy's deid - we're no'.
We'll annihilate that delicious bastard this evening.
KNOCK AT DOOR
It's open!
All right, Winston? Whit you wantin'?
To ask yous something. I have a question.
Go well.
Do yous think that Tam could be capable
of murdering an old woman for her money?
THEY LAUGH
Naw. Black gloves, silk scarves for strangling,
and of course bin bags for disposal, all cost money.
And that there is the only reason that Tam hasnae murdered anybody. So far.
Aye. You're right enough.
I'm going aff my heid, ignore me. Am I getting a cup of tea or what?
You know where the kettle is, din't ye?
Haud on.
That was an awfy queer caper, eh,
with that old dame that Tam was wi', mind?
Aye, him making oot she was some sort of auntie.
What do you think he's up to?
You're out of teabags.
Disnae matter - I'm going for a pint anyway. See yous later.
We're no out of teabags. I bought teabags yesterday.
Ohh...
We're no out of teabags, Jack.
We're out of pie.
It's mine! It's all mine!
What's your hurry, Winston?
I'm starvin', if it's any of your business, Peggy.
That's a fine-looking pie you've got there.
Yes, you're quite right, it is a fine-looking pie. Oot ma way.
Is it one of Billy's pies?
He did make a fine pie.
God rest him.
It'd be a real shame if anything was to happen to that pie.
Something is going to happen to this pie. It's going doon ma neck.
Move! Not so fast, pie boy.
Here now. What is this?
No... Haud on, wait a minute. No, no, no!
I'm an invalid!
BOABBY: Two women? Shut your hole.
I'd nae chance.
I'm trying to haud on to the pie and Peggy's pummelling my guts
like Jake LaMotta.
And then the other one, she's crouched down behind me and boof!
Peggy shoved me on my arse.
Double-teamed and pieless.
Right, you, you sticky-fingered bastard, ye.
You're too late.
SHOP BUZZER
Ah, hello, Navid. Tam.
I'm, er, planning on taking a lady friend for her dinner
and I was looking to impress her.
You know, picking her up, dropping her off.
So I was wondering...
..are you using the cash-and-carry van the night?
A lady friend? That isnae Frances?
You old dog, you. Come on, now, it's no' like that.
I know her daughter.
She's a bastard that doesnae want to go near her.
She's only got a cat.
Poor woman's got naebody. Naebody but you.
You're up to something, and people are talking!
To be fair, maist of that's me, but still.
I know that woman, Maggie Stoddart,
and I also know she's got a hell of a lot a money.
Now, if you are planning to take advantage of that woman,
then that is a new low even for you, Tam Mullen.
Whit have you got to say for yersel'?
Can I have the keys, please, Navid?
You'll need to take the boxes out the back.
Quavers, Curly Wurlies and that.
OK.
TRANSLATION
Wayne Rooney!
Hello, Peggy. Jack.
Victor. What can I dae for you?
Well, actually... Well, it's nothing...
It's a Neighbourhood Watch thing, really, is what we're doing.
Neighbourhood Watch? In Craiglang?
Watching whit? Folk getting their windaes smashed?
Well, no, it's just started, and we're in charge.
Jack Jarvis, esquire, and my assistant, general helper, dogsbody,
um...Victor McDade.
I know who yous are.
What is it you want?
There was a mugging yesterday. It was Winston Ingram,
our good friend.
The two perpetrators of this mugging are still at large.
That's terrible.
I'll keep an eye oot. What did they look like?
Well, one of them was a big gorilla bastard, you know,
like a big Sasquatch. A behemoth. Monster-like.
An ugly big baw-faced thievin' sewer rat.
And the other wan?
Human.
Normal-looking. Tiny.
Petite. Pretty, almost. CLATTERING
Eh...
There's nothing in your fridge, Peggy.
Looking for the steak pie, Winston?
Mebbe. You're too late. I gied it away.
To who? That was oor pie!
You see, you probably think I've got a swinging brick for a heart.
No, that's your right fist.
I gave it to somebody who needed it mair than me.
Want a pie wi' that?
Naw, I'm all right for pie.
Are you slabbering, Boabby?
Yes, Mick.
How much do you want for that? What's money?
A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night
and, in between, does what he wants to do.
Robert Allen Zimmerman, otherwise known as your namesake.
Boabby Dylan.
20 quid? Done.
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.
Ahh, don't you mean "oven's door"?
Ha! Please scan your item.
Bastard!
Please scan your item.
I'm broken, Isa.
I thought I was doing a good thing. My takings are actually down.
Aye. I know you meant well, Navid,
but the majority of your customers are a good age,
and they don't want to be dealing wi' a robot.
Scanner. Aye, well, you know what I mean.
They come in here for a wee bit chat, you know?
"How you doing? How's the weather?"
You might be the only person they see all day.
A wee bit social interaction's important to them at that age.
Your scanner took that away.
Ha! Please scan your item.
Excuse me, love. Why, what are you doing?
Community service.
Oh, aye.
Please scan your item.
My item today is...
..a cricket bat!
Oh, my!
Scan this, ya bastard!
Please scan...
Ya bastard!
Mick.
Jack, Victor.
Winston. Pie.
I've no got the pie. Where is it, then?
In there.
Och, whit? That was stolen goods.
That was tasty goods.
Don't tell me you ate the lot.
I tried, but I couldnae manage it.
I tanned half of it, and as delicious as it was,
it beat me. So the other half,
I just scraped into the bin.
You lousy, greedy, skinny fat bastard.
Boabby. Tell me you're joking.
I'm joking.
I thought we could see Billy aff in style, so it's in the oven.
And it's just aboot ready to come oot, as well.
Wow! What a guy.
DOOR OPENS Oh!
What's going on here? Free scran?
What are you needing free scran for?
You're gonna be padded in a wee while. Eh?
You're waiting for that nice wee old woman to croak it
so that you can get her money.
Well, as it so happens, she croaked today.
Took her to the pictures last night, and when I went round there this morning
she'd died peacefully in her sleep.
No before I got her to change her will.
You dirty bastard.
You're no sitting wi' us. Do you want to hear the full story
before nailing me to the cross?
Maggie's daughter stood to inherit everything.
The hoose, money, paintings, the lot.
Thing is, Maggie's daughter, Cathy, is an arsehole.
I went to school wi' her.
When I was ten, we had a cat called Frosty.
Noo, Frosty scratched her one day when she went to pet him,
and she was absolutely ragin'.
So when the summer holidays came, know what she did?
She ran him ower on her bike!
Twice!
So...I convinced Maggie to rethink her will.
She left the lot...
..to the Cat Protection League!
Cathy? Got hee haw!
What did you get? Well, nothing.
I say nothing, but...
This wee fella here.
Maggie's pride and joy.
CAT MEOWS She's lovely.
What is that?
That's the pie.
Or rather, it's a display pie.
The sort of thing you'd put in the windae of a butcher's
to encourage people to buy real pies.
That's a plastic pie.
You pair of pies.
PURRING
Mm. A handsome wee cat, that.
What you going to call it?
It's no up to me noo. Hi, Tam.
Oh, hello, Lenny. Have you got it?
There we are. Siamese. Pure-bred through and through.
150 quid, that's what we said.
Come on, now, Lenny. 200's what we said.
Cheers. Thanking you. Happy catting!
What? Have you seen the price of cat litter?!
THEY CHUCKLE