1
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:37,840
What is it?
2
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,120
It is the future.
3
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,520
That's no the future.
That's a Dalek!
4
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,920
Let me paint you a scenario.
5
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,400
I'm serving somebody. There are two
people behind in the queue,
6
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:52,440
raging because some doddery old fart
is going through her purse
7
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,080
looking for ones and twos
to pay for her eggs.
8
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,160
72...
9
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,400
Wait! 73...
10
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,720
The guy behind is shouting,
"I only came in for pipe cleaners!"
11
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,640
And I say, "Oh, calm the beans.
12
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,440
"The scanner will attend to you."
13
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,640
The future is here.
14
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,360
Star Trek shit.
15
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,720
So it's to make things easier?
16
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,800
TRANSLATION
17
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,240
She's saying, have a go.
18
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,560
Aye.
19
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,040
Hello there!
20
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,680
SELF-CHECKOUT: Good morning.
21
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,560
Please scan your item.
22
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,800
BEEP
23
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,000
Ooh!
24
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:58,360
Are you gaun' anywhere nice
for your holidays this year?
25
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,240
Did you hear Mickey McGinlay's
got Crohn's disease?
26
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,520
I don't like her, Navid.
27
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,120
She's a bit aloof.
28
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:13,840
No, you're right. Maybe we should
wait till next year, when they
update it...
29
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,800
..to the GabShite 3000!
30
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,200
There we are now.
31
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,840
What can I get for you?
Hello, Sandra!
32
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,480
Oh, hello, Peggy!
33
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,880
Some queue.
34
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,560
Och, it's always murder
on a Thursday.
35
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,960
How's your Davie?
Oh, aye.
36
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,560
He's still got that flesh-eating
bug.
37
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,240
You can actually
see his kneecap noo.
38
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,800
And he will insist
on wearing shorts.
39
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,400
Oh, I love a flesh-eating story,
40
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,520
just when I'm about to buy some
fresh flesh from the butcher
for eating.
41
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,520
Oh, aye. It makes your mouth water,
doesn't it?
42
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,600
Aye, like the flood you get
just before you howk up.
43
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,280
Are you in for much?
Naw.
44
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:52,680
Just a steak pie.
45
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,400
Which'll probably be away
by the time
46
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,160
I get to the front!
Ach, well.
47
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,520
I'll take that steak pie
for Peggy.
48
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,680
You can pay me in a minute, hen.
49
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,680
Hey, wait a minute. We've walked all
the way over here for a steak pie.
50
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,520
Aye, and then this chanty wrassler
whips in
51
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,160
and steals it fae
underneath wir nose?
52
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,600
Keep your hair on, boys.
There'll be a fresh batch the morra.
53
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,200
Queue-jumper!
54
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,400
I am not a queue-jumper.
55
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,280
My friend extended a generosity,
56
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,360
and I graciously took it.
57
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,640
Well, you can graciously
go and take a running f...
58
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,400
Four sausages, Billy. Easy, Jack.
59
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,720
You're still queue-jumping,
ya greedy big b...
60
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,440
And a mince round, please.
61
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,040
Are you no gonnae say something?
62
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,600
Jack, Victor, I'm no bothering,
you see?
63
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,520
Next week, I'll be in Fuengirola,
64
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,680
sipping a beer, and tanning my hide.
65
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,280
So don't stress me before I go, eh?
66
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,560
You're going to need a better system
than this, Billy.
67
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,200
You cannae just olive-pick
out the queue like that, you know.
68
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,800
Cherry. What did I say?
69
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,720
Move. Thanking you.
70
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,440
Mrs Watson!
71
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,240
There we are.
72
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,040
Thank you, my dear.
73
00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:01,920
Ah, Mr Sheathing.
How's things in the funeral trade?
74
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,880
People still dying to get in, eh?
75
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,400
Ha-ha! "Dying to get in."
Very good, Billy.
76
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,520
Can I trouble you for a pork chop?
77
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,280
Oh! You certainly can.
Here, there's a nice big one here -
78
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,520
look. You have that on the house.
79
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,600
Tell you what, that might buy me
a wee bit more time, eh?
80
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,440
Ha-ha!
81
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,600
Mrs Toner!
82
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,000
What can I get for you?
83
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,720
Four Valentine chops, two slices of
raw beef ham, six slices of Lorne,
84
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,040
and a packet of tattie scones,
85
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,680
and one of they huge bones for
Rusty. Oh, he loves them.
86
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,960
Likes to chew them into wee bits
to get to the marra!
87
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,480
Oh, son.
88
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,920
You'll no see the marra!
89
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,800
So see this wee knobbly bit?
Please scan your item.
90
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,280
It goes in the opposite end...
Please scan your item.
91
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,040
..of the springy bit.
Scan it, love!
92
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,560
Scan it!
I am scanning it.
93
00:04:58,560 --> 00:04:59,760
Well, you're no scanning it.
94
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,520
If you were scanning it,
it would be beeping! Beep!
95
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,600
Not you, love. You don't go beep,
the machine goes beep.
96
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:06,800
It's not going beep.
97
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,200
Please scan your item.
One minute. Right, you, ya dafto.
98
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,840
Haud on, Navid. I've got this.
Thanks.
99
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,440
Please scan your...
BEEP
100
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,440
Oh, that's smashing, son!
101
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,720
In my day we went to Curley's
and a lovely man with a white coat
102
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,640
behind the counter
would get everything for you.
103
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,280
I remember Curley's, aye.
104
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,600
OK, so let's put the money
in here. How much?
105
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:32,840
Jesus.
106
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,840
Just the wan.
107
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,920
Oh.
108
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,360
In there.
109
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,800
I suppose this is the way
things will be going from now on.
110
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,240
It'll be spaceships for taxis next.
DOOR BUZZER
111
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,200
Oh, I won't be around to see that.
112
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,280
I'm 92.
113
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,800
Oh, come on, now.
We haven't seen you in here before.
114
00:05:58,800 --> 00:05:59,880
What's your name?
115
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,920
Maggie. Maggie Stoddart.
116
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,640
Stoddart. Maggie Stoddart...
117
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,160
Have you got a daughter?
Aye.
118
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,920
Cathy Stoddart?
That's her.
119
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:13,040
Oh! I was at school wi' Cathy!
How's she doing?
120
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,960
She's a bastard.
121
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,320
Sorry to hear that.
122
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,680
Small world, though, eh?
123
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,080
Right. Let's get you hame.
Thank you, son.
124
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,480
I'll get these.
125
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,360
Oh, that's awfully kind of you, son.
126
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,680
Not at all. Come on.
127
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,840
HE SIGHS,
DOOR BUZZER
128
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,600
Computer! Four bog rolls, please.
129
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,240
Oh, suffering Christ!
130
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,480
See my daughter Cathy?
131
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,840
She was to take me to the big
supermarket today, but, oh, not her.
132
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:46,440
"I can't, Mum! I'm too busy, Mum!"
133
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:51,080
Not only that, but I bought her
the bloody car in the first place.
134
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,440
Take, take, take, that's her.
135
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,040
And Cathy lives with you?
136
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840
No! Just me on my own.
137
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,640
Rattling around in that bloody barn.
138
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,960
Who needs four floors at my age,
anyway?
139
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,080
She's just waiting for me to die
so she can get the lot.
140
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:15,200
But what can I do?
Aye, what can you dae?
141
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,640
This is awfully good of you, son.
142
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,560
No, no. Not at all.
143
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,560
See, I think the high-street butcher
144
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,920
should keep up with
the supermarket butcher.
145
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,880
At least they let you have a number,
and then your number comes up
later on.
146
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,760
42, 43, 44, and I'm like that -
"Oh, I've got 45, I'm next."
147
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,680
Then Peggy starts yakking
to number 44
148
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,720
and pumps you oot the last steak
pie, eh?
149
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,960
Aye, see, she's always been like
that. She's a big rat bastard.
150
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,320
Is that Tam?
151
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,320
Tam.
152
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,720
Oh! There's my pals.
153
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,080
Excuse me, Maggie.
154
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,160
Jack, Victor.
155
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,440
Are you no gonnae introduce us to
your extremely elderly companion?
156
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,800
Eh...naw.
157
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,400
Whit?
158
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,920
Don't be so rude!
159
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,320
That's Maggie.
160
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,120
She's family. Nearly family.
161
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,400
She's a pal of my auntie's.
What auntie?
162
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,040
Well, technically no my auntie...
163
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,840
Know when you know someone really
well but they're no exactly family?
164
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,760
It's an affectionate term you use
165
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,040
to somebody you know awful, awful,
awful, awful well
and you would say...
166
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,840
..."Hello, Auntie."
167
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:21,120
Aye. Like when I call Boabby
"Auntie Boabby".
168
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,520
Always nice to meet yous two.
169
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,280
Come on, Maggie.
170
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,320
What was that Twilight Zone pish?
171
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,960
Not a clue. Boys!
172
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,880
That's Billy the Butcher deid.
What?!
173
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,280
Aye!
174
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,160
We were only talking to him
ten minutes ago.
175
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:38,200
Keeled ower.
176
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,400
There was an ambulance taking him
to the hospital, but...
177
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,160
..he was blue.
178
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,480
God.
179
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,520
So, what do you think?
180
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,920
The bollocks, huh? Oh, aye.
181
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,400
It's a time-saver and no mistake.
182
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,080
Nae messin' aboot waiting on queues.
183
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,920
Bippity-boppity-boo,
that's you sorted.
184
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,920
Well, enjoy.
Any problems, I'm right here.
185
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,560
There'll no be any problems.
My heid's no buttoned up the back.
186
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:07,920
Aye, my boy showed me
how to work these.
187
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,800
Noo...where's the keyboard?
188
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,040
Keyboard?
189
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,120
So I can log in and find out
what time the swimming's open.
190
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,960
I might even have a sauna.
191
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,320
Sauna? You're making me sweat.
192
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,320
It's no the bastard internet.
193
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,400
Well, what is it, then?
194
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,920
It is to facilitate
your shopping experience.
195
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,640
Oh, aye.
196
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,160
Of course it is, of course it is.
What a dumpling.
197
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:36,120
I was about to type in
W-W-W-W-W-W-dot-Scotstoun Baths.
198
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,160
Right. I'll put in my card
and I'll draw out 20
199
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,200
and I'll check my bank balance.
200
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,280
Santander.
No, that's my superannuation.
201
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,640
Haud on. Oh, Bank of Scotland.
202
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,160
I told you already,
you doddery old tit,
203
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,080
it's to facilitate
your shopping experience!
204
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,360
In fact...
205
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,200
why don't you let me facilitate
your arse out the door?
206
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,400
Hey! Hang on there, mate.
207
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,880
That was 30 year Billy was there.
Aye.
208
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,280
It'll probably be a tanning salon
next week.
209
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:07,920
The end of an era.
210
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,680
I'm gonnae miss them steak pies.
211
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,080
Jack! What?
212
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,400
The man's no even cold and you're
thinking about your stomach.
213
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,200
Well...that's what the man was.
214
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,120
That's what he represented to us.
215
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,040
When Roger Moore died,
everybody went,
"Aww, there's James Bond deid."
216
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,920
When Peter Sellers died,
everybody went,
217
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,760
"Oh, there's Inspector Clouseau
deid."
218
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,280
So noo that Billy's died,
everybody'll say,
219
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,360
"Aww, there's the steak pies died."
220
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,640
Aye.
221
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,160
Aye, I get your logic.
222
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,520
That gravy, eh?
With the sausages all through it.
223
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,800
And the crust!
224
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,720
Golden. Well fired.
225
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,960
It was a thing of beauty.
226
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,320
A work of art.
227
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:55,120
Well, there's no shame in the fact
that that's Billy's legacy.
228
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,920
I'm gonnae miss them.
229
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,200
Eh, it... Eh, him... Billy.
230
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,040
Mind you, Jack...
231
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,800
..there's one batch left.
232
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,160
What?
233
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,600
Billy used to make his pies in the
morning for the next day. Uh-huh.
234
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,720
That's how that meat was so tender.
235
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,280
We get werselves down there
tomorrow morning, pronto,
236
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,000
we'll get a couple each!
237
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,200
Fire them into the freezer!
238
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,480
Aye.
239
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,600
Mark his passing by stuffing up
our faces.
240
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,360
That's respect, Victor.
241
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,240
Do you not think it's a bit grisly?
242
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,520
No...there was never any gristle
in them.
243
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,640
HUBBUB
There you go.
244
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,160
Hurry, boys!
245
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,800
Billy's pies are going fast.
246
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,560
Last batch ever!
247
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,800
Everything's going -
steak, mince, chops.
248
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,680
It's to be a tanning salon
as of next week.
249
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,800
Move! There's nae time to lose!
250
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,760
Oh, don't chance it.
251
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:56,880
It's pandemonium.
252
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,640
Winston, have you been crying?
Naw.
253
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,320
Some auld bitch grabbed
a lovely beef brisket oot my paw
254
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,360
and then pepper-sprayed me!
255
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,320
I'm eating this cold!
256
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,840
Jesus, it's like Saigon in there.
257
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,640
We cannae go in there, we'll get
killed.
258
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,040
Watch this.
259
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,880
Has anybody seen my grandson
Christopher?
260
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,280
Where are you, son?
261
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,360
He's only five. Blonde hair,
blue eyes, just a wee thing.
262
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,440
Christopher, where are you, darlin'?
263
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,560
Oh, check the flair,
he might have been trampled.
264
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,240
HUBBUB STOPS
265
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,240
Och, well, he must be up the park
playing.
266
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,880
Four steak pies, please!
267
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,160
HUBBUB
268
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,000
Hey! What's your game? Put me doon!
269
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,520
Please, please, I must appeal
for calm!
270
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:43,400
Billy would be turning in his
grave! Don't talk pish!
271
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,600
He only died yesterday.
He wouldn't have wanted this!
272
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,200
Aye, he would. He was an artist.
273
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,960
Gie's 20 sausages!
274
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,840
You're not allowed back here.
275
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,440
I've got a cattle prod.
276
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,280
Gie's the big pie!
277
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,480
No, no, no, the big one, son!
The big one!
278
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:58,680
Oi, get back!
279
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,880
Take that tenner oot my pocket,
Victor. Right, Jack.
280
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,800
Leave it!
Cannae get it!
281
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,880
Oof!
282
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,080
Take it. Get oot.
283
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,960
Run. Run for your lives!
Gie's 20 sausages
284
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,800
or I'll torch your bastarding hoose!
285
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,440
SIREN WAILS
286
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,880
POLICE OFFICER: Right! Oi!
287
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,400
I got a leg of lamb.
288
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,360
A whole leg of lamb!
289
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,440
With a bastarding shoe on it?
Give me that!
290
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,560
HUBBUB
291
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,920
I got two. I got two, I got two!
292
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,600
Go, go, go, go, go!
293
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,160
TYRES SCREECH
294
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,360
SIRENS
295
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,280
Four people arrested?
296
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,320
In a bloody butcher's?
Aye.
297
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,640
Tch!
298
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,680
Peggy was cautioned for inciting
a riot.
299
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,840
Boabby, Winston, Shug,
300
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:58,880
this is Maggie.
301
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,720
ALL: Hello, Maggie.
302
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,080
Hello. Lovely to meet you.
303
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,240
Boabby, furnish us wi' two pie
and beans.
304
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,080
I'll have a lager,
and what are you for, Maggie?
305
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,440
Um, an Advocaat.
306
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,200
Advocaat? Very sophisticated.
307
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,520
Well, I think I've got
a bottle somewhere.
308
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,120
Why don't you take a seat, my dear?
I'll bring it over.
309
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,240
Oh, thank you.
310
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,120
Now, then.
311
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,480
Oh, my.
312
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,320
I've never seen a day like this.
313
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,280
And it's a real one!
314
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,000
I can close early.
315
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,520
Tam has went intae Tam's pocket,
316
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,880
pulled oot Tam's money,
317
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,040
and Tam's using it to pay
for Tam's order!
318
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,200
Ho-ho!
RINGS BELL
319
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,480
CHEERING
320
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,520
Shut up.
321
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,200
Is this, er, your new thing, Tam?
322
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,560
Grabbing grannies?
323
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,760
A wee dusty threesome
wi' Frances?
324
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,160
How dare you, Shug?
325
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,240
Your irreverence
is as big as your bastard lugs.
326
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,120
See this?
327
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,600
This isnae just a ring.
328
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,680
This is a symbol of fidelity.
329
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,480
I was at school wi' her daughter.
330
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,560
Aw that woman's looking for
is a friend
331
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,200
and I am fulfilling that task.
332
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,240
You disgust me.
333
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,960
Make sure I get my change, Boabby.
334
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,120
Aye, well, that's me told.
335
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,560
It's still a great day.
336
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,360
Tam spending his ain money!
337
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,520
It's no a great day, Boabby.
338
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,360
See, if he'd walked in here
339
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:38,240
and he tried to wheedle that old
dear into paying for his pie,
340
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,240
I wouldnae have raised an eyebrow,
cos that's regular Tam.
341
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,680
But this Tam?
342
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,400
This is creepy Tam.
343
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,920
See, that behaviour there
was an investment.
344
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,960
An investment?
For a greater return.
345
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:55,200
He's descended
to a whole other level.
346
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,040
Found it.
347
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,040
SQUEAKING
348
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960
Tam!
349
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,880
Advocaat.
Thank you, barkeep.
350
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:25,760
I mean, who the hell drinks that,
anyway?
351
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,320
It's a Christmas drink, isn't it?
352
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,920
That wee woman doesnae look like
she's gonnae see another Christmas.
353
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,960
See that steak pie we're sitting on?
354
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,600
Do you no feel a bit funny aboot it?
355
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,240
How so?
Well, the size of that pie.
356
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,800
It would gie Desperate Dan a wobbly.
357
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,000
And the poor guy that made it
died yesterday.
358
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,640
Does that no gie you the shudders?
359
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,120
Let me think.
360
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,840
Does taking a big spoon and cracking
through that award-winning crust
361
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,480
and lifting out the tenderest hunk
of hot beef in Scotstoun,
362
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,200
the finest gravy known to man,
363
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,440
gie me the shudders?
364
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:08,920
Yes, it does, Jack.
365
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,640
The shudders of delight.
366
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,600
Ah, well. Billy's deid - we're no'.
367
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,320
We'll annihilate that delicious
bastard this evening.
368
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,040
KNOCK AT DOOR
369
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,000
It's open!
370
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,400
All right, Winston?
Whit you wantin'?
371
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,400
To ask yous something.
I have a question.
372
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,240
Go well.
373
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,080
Do yous think that Tam
could be capable
374
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,360
of murdering an old woman
for her money?
375
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,720
THEY LAUGH
376
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,280
Naw. Black gloves,
silk scarves for strangling,
377
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,560
and of course bin bags for disposal,
all cost money.
378
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,560
And that there is the only reason
that Tam hasnae murdered anybody.
So far.
379
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,560
Aye. You're right enough.
380
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,160
I'm going aff my heid, ignore me.
Am I getting a cup of tea or what?
381
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,120
You know where the kettle is,
din't ye?
382
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,640
Haud on.
383
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,200
That was an awfy queer caper, eh,
384
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,320
with that old dame
that Tam was wi', mind?
385
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,480
Aye, him making oot
she was some sort of auntie.
386
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,880
What do you think he's up to?
387
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,560
You're out of teabags.
388
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,640
Disnae matter - I'm going for a pint
anyway. See yous later.
389
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,840
We're no out of teabags.
I bought teabags yesterday.
390
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,320
Ohh...
391
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,920
We're no out of teabags, Jack.
392
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,400
We're out of pie.
393
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,040
It's mine! It's all mine!
394
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,480
What's your hurry, Winston?
395
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,000
I'm starvin', if it's any
of your business, Peggy.
396
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,640
That's a fine-looking pie
you've got there.
397
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,960
Yes, you're quite right, it is a
fine-looking pie. Oot ma way.
398
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960
Is it one of Billy's pies?
399
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,360
He did make a fine pie.
400
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,920
God rest him.
401
00:18:55,920 --> 00:19:00,000
It'd be a real shame if anything was
to happen to that pie.
402
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,840
Something is going to happen to this
pie. It's going doon ma neck.
403
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,040
Move!
Not so fast, pie boy.
404
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,720
Here now. What is this?
405
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,640
No... Haud on, wait a minute.
No, no, no!
406
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,240
I'm an invalid!
407
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,200
BOABBY: Two women?
Shut your hole.
408
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,520
I'd nae chance.
409
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,960
I'm trying to haud on to the pie
and Peggy's pummelling my guts
410
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,480
like Jake LaMotta.
411
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,440
And then the other one, she's
crouched down behind me and boof!
412
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:24,960
Peggy shoved me on my arse.
413
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,800
Double-teamed and pieless.
414
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:33,040
Right, you, you sticky-fingered
bastard, ye.
415
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,560
You're too late.
416
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,920
SHOP BUZZER
417
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,520
Ah, hello, Navid.
Tam.
418
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,520
I'm, er, planning on taking a lady
friend for her dinner
419
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,200
and I was looking to impress her.
420
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,560
You know, picking her up,
dropping her off.
421
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,280
So I was wondering...
422
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,640
..are you using the cash-and-carry
van the night?
423
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,200
A lady friend? That isnae Frances?
424
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,720
You old dog, you.
Come on, now, it's no' like that.
425
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,400
I know her daughter.
426
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,360
She's a bastard that doesnae want
to go near her.
427
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,960
She's only got a cat.
428
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,320
Poor woman's got naebody.
Naebody but you.
429
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,200
You're up to something,
and people are talking!
430
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,920
To be fair, maist of that's me,
but still.
431
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,240
I know that woman, Maggie Stoddart,
432
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,680
and I also know
she's got a hell of a lot a money.
433
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,640
Now, if you are planning
to take advantage of that woman,
434
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,360
then that is a new low even for you,
Tam Mullen.
435
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,200
Whit have you got to say for
yersel'?
436
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,160
Can I have the keys, please, Navid?
437
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,160
You'll need to take the boxes
out the back.
438
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,680
Quavers, Curly Wurlies and that.
439
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:52,880
OK.
440
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,880
TRANSLATION
441
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,560
Wayne Rooney!
442
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,760
Hello, Peggy.
Jack.
443
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,760
Victor. What can I dae for you?
444
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,760
Well, actually...
Well, it's nothing...
445
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,760
It's a Neighbourhood Watch thing,
really, is what we're doing.
446
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,640
Neighbourhood Watch? In Craiglang?
447
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,080
Watching whit?
Folk getting their windaes smashed?
448
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,160
Well, no, it's just started,
and we're in charge.
449
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:35,400
Jack Jarvis, esquire, and my
assistant, general helper, dogsbody,
450
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,680
um...Victor McDade.
451
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,080
I know who yous are.
452
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:40,440
What is it you want?
453
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,280
There was a mugging yesterday.
It was Winston Ingram,
454
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,040
our good friend.
455
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,680
The two perpetrators of this mugging
are still at large.
456
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,480
That's terrible.
457
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,600
I'll keep an eye oot.
What did they look like?
458
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,080
Well, one of them
was a big gorilla bastard, you know,
459
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,520
like a big Sasquatch.
A behemoth. Monster-like.
460
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,160
An ugly big baw-faced thievin'
sewer rat.
461
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,760
And the other wan?
462
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,280
Human.
463
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,880
Normal-looking. Tiny.
464
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,400
Petite. Pretty, almost.
CLATTERING
465
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,000
Eh...
466
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,160
There's nothing in your fridge,
Peggy.
467
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,160
Looking for the steak pie, Winston?
468
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,280
Mebbe.
You're too late. I gied it away.
469
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,920
To who? That was oor pie!
470
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,480
You see, you probably think I've got
a swinging brick for a heart.
471
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,280
No, that's your right fist.
472
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,440
I gave it to somebody
who needed it mair than me.
473
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,720
Want a pie wi' that?
474
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,760
Naw, I'm all right for pie.
475
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,160
Are you slabbering, Boabby?
476
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,200
Yes, Mick.
477
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,880
How much do you want for that?
What's money?
478
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:57,160
A man is a success if he gets up in
the morning and goes to bed at night
479
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,480
and, in between, does what he wants
to do.
480
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,720
Robert Allen Zimmerman,
otherwise known as your namesake.
481
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,320
Boabby Dylan.
482
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,320
20 quid? Done.
483
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,080
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's
door.
484
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,480
Ahh, don't you mean "oven's door"?
485
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:28,160
Ha!
Please scan your item.
486
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,320
Please scan your item.
Bastard!
487
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,720
Please scan your item.
488
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,960
Please scan your item.
489
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,600
I'm broken, Isa.
490
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,320
I thought I was doing a good thing.
My takings are actually down.
491
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,320
Aye. I know you meant well, Navid,
492
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:50,280
but the majority of your customers
are a good age,
493
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,080
and they don't want to
be dealing wi' a robot.
494
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,720
Scanner.
Aye, well, you know what I mean.
495
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,800
They come in here for a wee bit
chat, you know?
496
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,680
"How you doing? How's the weather?"
497
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,880
You might be the only person
they see all day.
498
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,760
A wee bit social interaction's
important to them at that age.
499
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,320
Your scanner took that away.
500
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:15,320
Ha!
Please scan your item.
501
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,200
Please scan your item.
502
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,000
Excuse me, love.
Why, what are you doing?
503
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,560
Community service.
504
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:33,600
Oh, aye.
505
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,480
Please scan your item.
506
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,040
My item today is...
507
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,240
..a cricket bat!
508
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,480
Oh, my!
509
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,160
Scan this, ya bastard!
510
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,400
Please scan...
511
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,880
Ya bastard!
512
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,000
Mick.
513
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,720
Jack, Victor.
514
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,120
Winston.
Pie.
515
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,840
I've no got the pie.
Where is it, then?
516
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,240
In there.
517
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,080
Och, whit? That was stolen goods.
518
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,440
That was tasty goods.
519
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:17,520
Don't tell me you ate the lot.
520
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,480
I tried, but I couldnae manage it.
521
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,640
I tanned half of it,
and as delicious as it was,
522
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,120
it beat me. So the other half,
523
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,960
I just scraped into the bin.
524
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,960
You lousy, greedy, skinny fat
bastard.
525
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,040
Boabby. Tell me you're joking.
526
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,160
I'm joking.
527
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,480
I thought we could see Billy aff
in style, so it's in the oven.
528
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,160
And it's just aboot ready
to come oot, as well.
529
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,840
Wow! What a guy.
530
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,920
DOOR OPENS
Oh!
531
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,680
What's going on here? Free scran?
532
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,760
What are you needing free scran for?
533
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,800
You're gonna be padded
in a wee while. Eh?
534
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,120
You're waiting for that nice wee old
woman to croak it
535
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:00,720
so that you can get her money.
536
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,720
Well, as it so happens,
she croaked today.
537
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,000
Took her to the pictures last night,
and when I went round there this
morning
538
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,720
she'd died peacefully in her sleep.
539
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,120
No before I got her to change
her will.
540
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:14,720
You dirty bastard.
541
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,760
You're no sitting wi' us.
Do you want to hear the full story
542
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,480
before nailing me to the cross?
543
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,880
Maggie's daughter stood
to inherit everything.
544
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,800
The hoose, money, paintings,
the lot.
545
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:33,000
Thing is, Maggie's daughter, Cathy,
is an arsehole.
546
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,560
I went to school wi' her.
547
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:40,000
When I was ten,
we had a cat called Frosty.
548
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,840
Noo, Frosty scratched her one day
when she went to pet him,
549
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,560
and she was absolutely ragin'.
550
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:50,880
So when the summer holidays came,
know what she did?
551
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,720
She ran him ower on her bike!
552
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,440
Twice!
553
00:26:55,440 --> 00:27:00,760
So...I convinced Maggie
to rethink her will.
554
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,800
She left the lot...
555
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,440
..to the Cat Protection League!
556
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,720
Cathy? Got hee haw!
557
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,160
What did you get?
Well, nothing.
558
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,480
I say nothing, but...
559
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,200
This wee fella here.
560
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,120
Maggie's pride and joy.
561
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,440
CAT MEOWS
She's lovely.
562
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,880
What is that?
563
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,920
That's the pie.
564
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:36,080
Or rather, it's a display pie.
565
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,960
The sort of thing you'd put
in the windae of a butcher's
566
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:42,120
to encourage people
to buy real pies.
567
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,320
That's a plastic pie.
568
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,200
You pair of pies.
569
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,360
PURRING
570
00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:19,680
Mm. A handsome wee cat, that.
571
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,240
What you going to call it?
572
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,720
It's no up to me noo.
Hi, Tam.
573
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,200
Oh, hello, Lenny.
Have you got it?
574
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,560
There we are. Siamese.
Pure-bred through and through.
575
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,600
150 quid, that's what we said.
576
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,880
Come on, now, Lenny.
200's what we said.
577
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,800
Cheers.
Thanking you. Happy catting!
578
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,520
What? Have you seen
the price of cat litter?!
579
00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:47,760
THEY CHUCKLE