1 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:37,840 What is it? 2 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,120 It is the future. 3 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,520 That's no the future. That's a Dalek! 4 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,920 Let me paint you a scenario. 5 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,400 I'm serving somebody. There are two people behind in the queue, 6 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:52,440 raging because some doddery old fart is going through her purse 7 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,080 looking for ones and twos to pay for her eggs. 8 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,160 72... 9 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,400 Wait! 73... 10 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,720 The guy behind is shouting, "I only came in for pipe cleaners!" 11 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,640 And I say, "Oh, calm the beans. 12 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,440 "The scanner will attend to you." 13 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,640 The future is here. 14 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,360 Star Trek shit. 15 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,720 So it's to make things easier? 16 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,800 TRANSLATION 17 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,240 She's saying, have a go. 18 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,560 Aye. 19 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,040 Hello there! 20 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,680 SELF-CHECKOUT: Good morning. 21 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,560 Please scan your item. 22 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,800 BEEP 23 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,000 Ooh! 24 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:58,360 Are you gaun' anywhere nice for your holidays this year? 25 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,240 Did you hear Mickey McGinlay's got Crohn's disease? 26 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,520 I don't like her, Navid. 27 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,120 She's a bit aloof. 28 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:13,840 No, you're right. Maybe we should wait till next year, when they update it... 29 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,800 ..to the GabShite 3000! 30 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,200 There we are now. 31 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,840 What can I get for you? Hello, Sandra! 32 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,480 Oh, hello, Peggy! 33 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,880 Some queue. 34 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,560 Och, it's always murder on a Thursday. 35 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,960 How's your Davie? Oh, aye. 36 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,560 He's still got that flesh-eating bug. 37 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,240 You can actually see his kneecap noo. 38 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,800 And he will insist on wearing shorts. 39 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,400 Oh, I love a flesh-eating story, 40 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,520 just when I'm about to buy some fresh flesh from the butcher for eating. 41 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,520 Oh, aye. It makes your mouth water, doesn't it? 42 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,600 Aye, like the flood you get just before you howk up. 43 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,280 Are you in for much? Naw. 44 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:52,680 Just a steak pie. 45 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,400 Which'll probably be away by the time 46 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,160 I get to the front! Ach, well. 47 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,520 I'll take that steak pie for Peggy. 48 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,680 You can pay me in a minute, hen. 49 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,680 Hey, wait a minute. We've walked all the way over here for a steak pie. 50 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,520 Aye, and then this chanty wrassler whips in 51 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,160 and steals it fae underneath wir nose? 52 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,600 Keep your hair on, boys. There'll be a fresh batch the morra. 53 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,200 Queue-jumper! 54 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,400 I am not a queue-jumper. 55 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,280 My friend extended a generosity, 56 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,360 and I graciously took it. 57 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,640 Well, you can graciously go and take a running f... 58 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,400 Four sausages, Billy. Easy, Jack. 59 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,720 You're still queue-jumping, ya greedy big b... 60 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,440 And a mince round, please. 61 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,040 Are you no gonnae say something? 62 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,600 Jack, Victor, I'm no bothering, you see? 63 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,520 Next week, I'll be in Fuengirola, 64 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,680 sipping a beer, and tanning my hide. 65 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,280 So don't stress me before I go, eh? 66 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,560 You're going to need a better system than this, Billy. 67 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,200 You cannae just olive-pick out the queue like that, you know. 68 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,800 Cherry. What did I say? 69 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,720 Move. Thanking you. 70 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,440 Mrs Watson! 71 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,240 There we are. 72 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,040 Thank you, my dear. 73 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:01,920 Ah, Mr Sheathing. How's things in the funeral trade? 74 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,880 People still dying to get in, eh? 75 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,400 Ha-ha! "Dying to get in." Very good, Billy. 76 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,520 Can I trouble you for a pork chop? 77 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,280 Oh! You certainly can. Here, there's a nice big one here - 78 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,520 look. You have that on the house. 79 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,600 Tell you what, that might buy me a wee bit more time, eh? 80 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,440 Ha-ha! 81 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,600 Mrs Toner! 82 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,000 What can I get for you? 83 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,720 Four Valentine chops, two slices of raw beef ham, six slices of Lorne, 84 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,040 and a packet of tattie scones, 85 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,680 and one of they huge bones for Rusty. Oh, he loves them. 86 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,960 Likes to chew them into wee bits to get to the marra! 87 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,480 Oh, son. 88 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,920 You'll no see the marra! 89 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,800 So see this wee knobbly bit? Please scan your item. 90 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,280 It goes in the opposite end... Please scan your item. 91 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,040 ..of the springy bit. Scan it, love! 92 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,560 Scan it! I am scanning it. 93 00:04:58,560 --> 00:04:59,760 Well, you're no scanning it. 94 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,520 If you were scanning it, it would be beeping! Beep! 95 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,600 Not you, love. You don't go beep, the machine goes beep. 96 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:06,800 It's not going beep. 97 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,200 Please scan your item. One minute. Right, you, ya dafto. 98 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,840 Haud on, Navid. I've got this. Thanks. 99 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,440 Please scan your... BEEP 100 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,440 Oh, that's smashing, son! 101 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,720 In my day we went to Curley's and a lovely man with a white coat 102 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,640 behind the counter would get everything for you. 103 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,280 I remember Curley's, aye. 104 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,600 OK, so let's put the money in here. How much? 105 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:32,840 Jesus. 106 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,840 Just the wan. 107 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,920 Oh. 108 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,360 In there. 109 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,800 I suppose this is the way things will be going from now on. 110 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,240 It'll be spaceships for taxis next. DOOR BUZZER 111 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,200 Oh, I won't be around to see that. 112 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,280 I'm 92. 113 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,800 Oh, come on, now. We haven't seen you in here before. 114 00:05:58,800 --> 00:05:59,880 What's your name? 115 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,920 Maggie. Maggie Stoddart. 116 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,640 Stoddart. Maggie Stoddart... 117 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,160 Have you got a daughter? Aye. 118 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,920 Cathy Stoddart? That's her. 119 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:13,040 Oh! I was at school wi' Cathy! How's she doing? 120 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,960 She's a bastard. 121 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,320 Sorry to hear that. 122 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,680 Small world, though, eh? 123 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,080 Right. Let's get you hame. Thank you, son. 124 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,480 I'll get these. 125 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,360 Oh, that's awfully kind of you, son. 126 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,680 Not at all. Come on. 127 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,840 HE SIGHS, DOOR BUZZER 128 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,600 Computer! Four bog rolls, please. 129 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,240 Oh, suffering Christ! 130 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,480 See my daughter Cathy? 131 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,840 She was to take me to the big supermarket today, but, oh, not her. 132 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:46,440 "I can't, Mum! I'm too busy, Mum!" 133 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:51,080 Not only that, but I bought her the bloody car in the first place. 134 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,440 Take, take, take, that's her. 135 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,040 And Cathy lives with you? 136 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840 No! Just me on my own. 137 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,640 Rattling around in that bloody barn. 138 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,960 Who needs four floors at my age, anyway? 139 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,080 She's just waiting for me to die so she can get the lot. 140 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:15,200 But what can I do? Aye, what can you dae? 141 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,640 This is awfully good of you, son. 142 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,560 No, no. Not at all. 143 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,560 See, I think the high-street butcher 144 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,920 should keep up with the supermarket butcher. 145 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,880 At least they let you have a number, and then your number comes up later on. 146 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,760 42, 43, 44, and I'm like that - "Oh, I've got 45, I'm next." 147 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,680 Then Peggy starts yakking to number 44 148 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,720 and pumps you oot the last steak pie, eh? 149 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,960 Aye, see, she's always been like that. She's a big rat bastard. 150 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,320 Is that Tam? 151 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,320 Tam. 152 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,720 Oh! There's my pals. 153 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,080 Excuse me, Maggie. 154 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,160 Jack, Victor. 155 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,440 Are you no gonnae introduce us to your extremely elderly companion? 156 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,800 Eh...naw. 157 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,400 Whit? 158 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,920 Don't be so rude! 159 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,320 That's Maggie. 160 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,120 She's family. Nearly family. 161 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,400 She's a pal of my auntie's. What auntie? 162 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,040 Well, technically no my auntie... 163 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,840 Know when you know someone really well but they're no exactly family? 164 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,760 It's an affectionate term you use 165 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,040 to somebody you know awful, awful, awful, awful well and you would say... 166 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,840 ..."Hello, Auntie." 167 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:21,120 Aye. Like when I call Boabby "Auntie Boabby". 168 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,520 Always nice to meet yous two. 169 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,280 Come on, Maggie. 170 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,320 What was that Twilight Zone pish? 171 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,960 Not a clue. Boys! 172 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,880 That's Billy the Butcher deid. What?! 173 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,280 Aye! 174 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,160 We were only talking to him ten minutes ago. 175 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:38,200 Keeled ower. 176 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,400 There was an ambulance taking him to the hospital, but... 177 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,160 ..he was blue. 178 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,480 God. 179 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,520 So, what do you think? 180 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,920 The bollocks, huh? Oh, aye. 181 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,400 It's a time-saver and no mistake. 182 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,080 Nae messin' aboot waiting on queues. 183 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,920 Bippity-boppity-boo, that's you sorted. 184 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,920 Well, enjoy. Any problems, I'm right here. 185 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,560 There'll no be any problems. My heid's no buttoned up the back. 186 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:07,920 Aye, my boy showed me how to work these. 187 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,800 Noo...where's the keyboard? 188 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,040 Keyboard? 189 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,120 So I can log in and find out what time the swimming's open. 190 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,960 I might even have a sauna. 191 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,320 Sauna? You're making me sweat. 192 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,320 It's no the bastard internet. 193 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,400 Well, what is it, then? 194 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,920 It is to facilitate your shopping experience. 195 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,640 Oh, aye. 196 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,160 Of course it is, of course it is. What a dumpling. 197 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:36,120 I was about to type in W-W-W-W-W-W-dot-Scotstoun Baths. 198 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,160 Right. I'll put in my card and I'll draw out 20 199 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,200 and I'll check my bank balance. 200 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,280 Santander. No, that's my superannuation. 201 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,640 Haud on. Oh, Bank of Scotland. 202 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,160 I told you already, you doddery old tit, 203 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,080 it's to facilitate your shopping experience! 204 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,360 In fact... 205 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,200 why don't you let me facilitate your arse out the door? 206 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,400 Hey! Hang on there, mate. 207 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,880 That was 30 year Billy was there. Aye. 208 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,280 It'll probably be a tanning salon next week. 209 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:07,920 The end of an era. 210 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,680 I'm gonnae miss them steak pies. 211 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,080 Jack! What? 212 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,400 The man's no even cold and you're thinking about your stomach. 213 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,200 Well...that's what the man was. 214 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,120 That's what he represented to us. 215 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,040 When Roger Moore died, everybody went, "Aww, there's James Bond deid." 216 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,920 When Peter Sellers died, everybody went, 217 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,760 "Oh, there's Inspector Clouseau deid." 218 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,280 So noo that Billy's died, everybody'll say, 219 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,360 "Aww, there's the steak pies died." 220 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,640 Aye. 221 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,160 Aye, I get your logic. 222 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,520 That gravy, eh? With the sausages all through it. 223 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,800 And the crust! 224 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,720 Golden. Well fired. 225 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,960 It was a thing of beauty. 226 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,320 A work of art. 227 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:55,120 Well, there's no shame in the fact that that's Billy's legacy. 228 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,920 I'm gonnae miss them. 229 00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,200 Eh, it... Eh, him... Billy. 230 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,040 Mind you, Jack... 231 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,800 ..there's one batch left. 232 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,160 What? 233 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,600 Billy used to make his pies in the morning for the next day. Uh-huh. 234 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,720 That's how that meat was so tender. 235 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,280 We get werselves down there tomorrow morning, pronto, 236 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,000 we'll get a couple each! 237 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,200 Fire them into the freezer! 238 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,480 Aye. 239 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,600 Mark his passing by stuffing up our faces. 240 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,360 That's respect, Victor. 241 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,240 Do you not think it's a bit grisly? 242 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,520 No...there was never any gristle in them. 243 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,640 HUBBUB There you go. 244 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,160 Hurry, boys! 245 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,800 Billy's pies are going fast. 246 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,560 Last batch ever! 247 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,800 Everything's going - steak, mince, chops. 248 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,680 It's to be a tanning salon as of next week. 249 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,800 Move! There's nae time to lose! 250 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,760 Oh, don't chance it. 251 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:56,880 It's pandemonium. 252 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,640 Winston, have you been crying? Naw. 253 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,320 Some auld bitch grabbed a lovely beef brisket oot my paw 254 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,360 and then pepper-sprayed me! 255 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,320 I'm eating this cold! 256 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,840 Jesus, it's like Saigon in there. 257 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,640 We cannae go in there, we'll get killed. 258 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,040 Watch this. 259 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,880 Has anybody seen my grandson Christopher? 260 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,280 Where are you, son? 261 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,360 He's only five. Blonde hair, blue eyes, just a wee thing. 262 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,440 Christopher, where are you, darlin'? 263 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,560 Oh, check the flair, he might have been trampled. 264 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,240 HUBBUB STOPS 265 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,240 Och, well, he must be up the park playing. 266 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,880 Four steak pies, please! 267 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,160 HUBBUB 268 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,000 Hey! What's your game? Put me doon! 269 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,520 Please, please, I must appeal for calm! 270 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:43,400 Billy would be turning in his grave! Don't talk pish! 271 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,600 He only died yesterday. He wouldn't have wanted this! 272 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,200 Aye, he would. He was an artist. 273 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,960 Gie's 20 sausages! 274 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,840 You're not allowed back here. 275 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,440 I've got a cattle prod. 276 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,280 Gie's the big pie! 277 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,480 No, no, no, the big one, son! The big one! 278 00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:58,680 Oi, get back! 279 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,880 Take that tenner oot my pocket, Victor. Right, Jack. 280 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,800 Leave it! Cannae get it! 281 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,880 Oof! 282 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,080 Take it. Get oot. 283 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,960 Run. Run for your lives! Gie's 20 sausages 284 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,800 or I'll torch your bastarding hoose! 285 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,440 SIREN WAILS 286 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,880 POLICE OFFICER: Right! Oi! 287 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,400 I got a leg of lamb. 288 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,360 A whole leg of lamb! 289 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,440 With a bastarding shoe on it? Give me that! 290 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,560 HUBBUB 291 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,920 I got two. I got two, I got two! 292 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,600 Go, go, go, go, go! 293 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,160 TYRES SCREECH 294 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,360 SIRENS 295 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,280 Four people arrested? 296 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,320 In a bloody butcher's? Aye. 297 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,640 Tch! 298 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,680 Peggy was cautioned for inciting a riot. 299 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,840 Boabby, Winston, Shug, 300 00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:58,880 this is Maggie. 301 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,720 ALL: Hello, Maggie. 302 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,080 Hello. Lovely to meet you. 303 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,240 Boabby, furnish us wi' two pie and beans. 304 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,080 I'll have a lager, and what are you for, Maggie? 305 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,440 Um, an Advocaat. 306 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,200 Advocaat? Very sophisticated. 307 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,520 Well, I think I've got a bottle somewhere. 308 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,120 Why don't you take a seat, my dear? I'll bring it over. 309 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,240 Oh, thank you. 310 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,120 Now, then. 311 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,480 Oh, my. 312 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,320 I've never seen a day like this. 313 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,280 And it's a real one! 314 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,000 I can close early. 315 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,520 Tam has went intae Tam's pocket, 316 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,880 pulled oot Tam's money, 317 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,040 and Tam's using it to pay for Tam's order! 318 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,200 Ho-ho! RINGS BELL 319 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,480 CHEERING 320 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,520 Shut up. 321 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,200 Is this, er, your new thing, Tam? 322 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,560 Grabbing grannies? 323 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,760 A wee dusty threesome wi' Frances? 324 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,160 How dare you, Shug? 325 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,240 Your irreverence is as big as your bastard lugs. 326 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,120 See this? 327 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,600 This isnae just a ring. 328 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,680 This is a symbol of fidelity. 329 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,480 I was at school wi' her daughter. 330 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,560 Aw that woman's looking for is a friend 331 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,200 and I am fulfilling that task. 332 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,240 You disgust me. 333 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,960 Make sure I get my change, Boabby. 334 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,120 Aye, well, that's me told. 335 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,560 It's still a great day. 336 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,360 Tam spending his ain money! 337 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,520 It's no a great day, Boabby. 338 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,360 See, if he'd walked in here 339 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:38,240 and he tried to wheedle that old dear into paying for his pie, 340 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,240 I wouldnae have raised an eyebrow, cos that's regular Tam. 341 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,680 But this Tam? 342 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,400 This is creepy Tam. 343 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,920 See, that behaviour there was an investment. 344 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,960 An investment? For a greater return. 345 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:55,200 He's descended to a whole other level. 346 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,040 Found it. 347 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,040 SQUEAKING 348 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960 Tam! 349 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,880 Advocaat. Thank you, barkeep. 350 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:25,760 I mean, who the hell drinks that, anyway? 351 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,320 It's a Christmas drink, isn't it? 352 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,920 That wee woman doesnae look like she's gonnae see another Christmas. 353 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,960 See that steak pie we're sitting on? 354 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,600 Do you no feel a bit funny aboot it? 355 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,240 How so? Well, the size of that pie. 356 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,800 It would gie Desperate Dan a wobbly. 357 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,000 And the poor guy that made it died yesterday. 358 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,640 Does that no gie you the shudders? 359 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,120 Let me think. 360 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,840 Does taking a big spoon and cracking through that award-winning crust 361 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,480 and lifting out the tenderest hunk of hot beef in Scotstoun, 362 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,200 the finest gravy known to man, 363 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,440 gie me the shudders? 364 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:08,920 Yes, it does, Jack. 365 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,640 The shudders of delight. 366 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,600 Ah, well. Billy's deid - we're no'. 367 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,320 We'll annihilate that delicious bastard this evening. 368 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,040 KNOCK AT DOOR 369 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,000 It's open! 370 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,400 All right, Winston? Whit you wantin'? 371 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,400 To ask yous something. I have a question. 372 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,240 Go well. 373 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,080 Do yous think that Tam could be capable 374 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,360 of murdering an old woman for her money? 375 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,720 THEY LAUGH 376 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,280 Naw. Black gloves, silk scarves for strangling, 377 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,560 and of course bin bags for disposal, all cost money. 378 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,560 And that there is the only reason that Tam hasnae murdered anybody. So far. 379 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,560 Aye. You're right enough. 380 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,160 I'm going aff my heid, ignore me. Am I getting a cup of tea or what? 381 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,120 You know where the kettle is, din't ye? 382 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,640 Haud on. 383 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,200 That was an awfy queer caper, eh, 384 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,320 with that old dame that Tam was wi', mind? 385 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,480 Aye, him making oot she was some sort of auntie. 386 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,880 What do you think he's up to? 387 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,560 You're out of teabags. 388 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,640 Disnae matter - I'm going for a pint anyway. See yous later. 389 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,840 We're no out of teabags. I bought teabags yesterday. 390 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,320 Ohh... 391 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,920 We're no out of teabags, Jack. 392 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,400 We're out of pie. 393 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,040 It's mine! It's all mine! 394 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,480 What's your hurry, Winston? 395 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,000 I'm starvin', if it's any of your business, Peggy. 396 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,640 That's a fine-looking pie you've got there. 397 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,960 Yes, you're quite right, it is a fine-looking pie. Oot ma way. 398 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960 Is it one of Billy's pies? 399 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,360 He did make a fine pie. 400 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,920 God rest him. 401 00:18:55,920 --> 00:19:00,000 It'd be a real shame if anything was to happen to that pie. 402 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,840 Something is going to happen to this pie. It's going doon ma neck. 403 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,040 Move! Not so fast, pie boy. 404 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,720 Here now. What is this? 405 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,640 No... Haud on, wait a minute. No, no, no! 406 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,240 I'm an invalid! 407 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,200 BOABBY: Two women? Shut your hole. 408 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,520 I'd nae chance. 409 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,960 I'm trying to haud on to the pie and Peggy's pummelling my guts 410 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,480 like Jake LaMotta. 411 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,440 And then the other one, she's crouched down behind me and boof! 412 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:24,960 Peggy shoved me on my arse. 413 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,800 Double-teamed and pieless. 414 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:33,040 Right, you, you sticky-fingered bastard, ye. 415 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,560 You're too late. 416 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,920 SHOP BUZZER 417 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,520 Ah, hello, Navid. Tam. 418 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,520 I'm, er, planning on taking a lady friend for her dinner 419 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,200 and I was looking to impress her. 420 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,560 You know, picking her up, dropping her off. 421 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,280 So I was wondering... 422 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,640 ..are you using the cash-and-carry van the night? 423 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,200 A lady friend? That isnae Frances? 424 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,720 You old dog, you. Come on, now, it's no' like that. 425 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,400 I know her daughter. 426 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,360 She's a bastard that doesnae want to go near her. 427 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,960 She's only got a cat. 428 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,320 Poor woman's got naebody. Naebody but you. 429 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,200 You're up to something, and people are talking! 430 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,920 To be fair, maist of that's me, but still. 431 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,240 I know that woman, Maggie Stoddart, 432 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,680 and I also know she's got a hell of a lot a money. 433 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,640 Now, if you are planning to take advantage of that woman, 434 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,360 then that is a new low even for you, Tam Mullen. 435 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,200 Whit have you got to say for yersel'? 436 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,160 Can I have the keys, please, Navid? 437 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,160 You'll need to take the boxes out the back. 438 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,680 Quavers, Curly Wurlies and that. 439 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:52,880 OK. 440 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,880 TRANSLATION 441 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,560 Wayne Rooney! 442 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,760 Hello, Peggy. Jack. 443 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,760 Victor. What can I dae for you? 444 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,760 Well, actually... Well, it's nothing... 445 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,760 It's a Neighbourhood Watch thing, really, is what we're doing. 446 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,640 Neighbourhood Watch? In Craiglang? 447 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,080 Watching whit? Folk getting their windaes smashed? 448 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,160 Well, no, it's just started, and we're in charge. 449 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:35,400 Jack Jarvis, esquire, and my assistant, general helper, dogsbody, 450 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,680 um...Victor McDade. 451 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,080 I know who yous are. 452 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:40,440 What is it you want? 453 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,280 There was a mugging yesterday. It was Winston Ingram, 454 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,040 our good friend. 455 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,680 The two perpetrators of this mugging are still at large. 456 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,480 That's terrible. 457 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,600 I'll keep an eye oot. What did they look like? 458 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,080 Well, one of them was a big gorilla bastard, you know, 459 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,520 like a big Sasquatch. A behemoth. Monster-like. 460 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,160 An ugly big baw-faced thievin' sewer rat. 461 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,760 And the other wan? 462 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,280 Human. 463 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,880 Normal-looking. Tiny. 464 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,400 Petite. Pretty, almost. CLATTERING 465 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,000 Eh... 466 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,160 There's nothing in your fridge, Peggy. 467 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,160 Looking for the steak pie, Winston? 468 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,280 Mebbe. You're too late. I gied it away. 469 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,920 To who? That was oor pie! 470 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,480 You see, you probably think I've got a swinging brick for a heart. 471 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,280 No, that's your right fist. 472 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,440 I gave it to somebody who needed it mair than me. 473 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,720 Want a pie wi' that? 474 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,760 Naw, I'm all right for pie. 475 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,160 Are you slabbering, Boabby? 476 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,200 Yes, Mick. 477 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,880 How much do you want for that? What's money? 478 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:57,160 A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night 479 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,480 and, in between, does what he wants to do. 480 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,720 Robert Allen Zimmerman, otherwise known as your namesake. 481 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,320 Boabby Dylan. 482 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,320 20 quid? Done. 483 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,080 Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. 484 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,480 Ahh, don't you mean "oven's door"? 485 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:28,160 Ha! Please scan your item. 486 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,320 Please scan your item. Bastard! 487 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,720 Please scan your item. 488 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,960 Please scan your item. 489 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,600 I'm broken, Isa. 490 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,320 I thought I was doing a good thing. My takings are actually down. 491 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,320 Aye. I know you meant well, Navid, 492 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:50,280 but the majority of your customers are a good age, 493 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,080 and they don't want to be dealing wi' a robot. 494 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,720 Scanner. Aye, well, you know what I mean. 495 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,800 They come in here for a wee bit chat, you know? 496 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,680 "How you doing? How's the weather?" 497 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,880 You might be the only person they see all day. 498 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,760 A wee bit social interaction's important to them at that age. 499 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,320 Your scanner took that away. 500 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:15,320 Ha! Please scan your item. 501 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,200 Please scan your item. 502 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,000 Excuse me, love. Why, what are you doing? 503 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,560 Community service. 504 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:33,600 Oh, aye. 505 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,480 Please scan your item. 506 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,040 My item today is... 507 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,240 ..a cricket bat! 508 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,480 Oh, my! 509 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,160 Scan this, ya bastard! 510 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,400 Please scan... 511 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,880 Ya bastard! 512 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,000 Mick. 513 00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,720 Jack, Victor. 514 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,120 Winston. Pie. 515 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,840 I've no got the pie. Where is it, then? 516 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,240 In there. 517 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,080 Och, whit? That was stolen goods. 518 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,440 That was tasty goods. 519 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:17,520 Don't tell me you ate the lot. 520 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,480 I tried, but I couldnae manage it. 521 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,640 I tanned half of it, and as delicious as it was, 522 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,120 it beat me. So the other half, 523 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,960 I just scraped into the bin. 524 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,960 You lousy, greedy, skinny fat bastard. 525 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,040 Boabby. Tell me you're joking. 526 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,160 I'm joking. 527 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,480 I thought we could see Billy aff in style, so it's in the oven. 528 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,160 And it's just aboot ready to come oot, as well. 529 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,840 Wow! What a guy. 530 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,920 DOOR OPENS Oh! 531 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,680 What's going on here? Free scran? 532 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,760 What are you needing free scran for? 533 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,800 You're gonna be padded in a wee while. Eh? 534 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,120 You're waiting for that nice wee old woman to croak it 535 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:00,720 so that you can get her money. 536 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,720 Well, as it so happens, she croaked today. 537 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,000 Took her to the pictures last night, and when I went round there this morning 538 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,720 she'd died peacefully in her sleep. 539 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,120 No before I got her to change her will. 540 00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:14,720 You dirty bastard. 541 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,760 You're no sitting wi' us. Do you want to hear the full story 542 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,480 before nailing me to the cross? 543 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,880 Maggie's daughter stood to inherit everything. 544 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,800 The hoose, money, paintings, the lot. 545 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:33,000 Thing is, Maggie's daughter, Cathy, is an arsehole. 546 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,560 I went to school wi' her. 547 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:40,000 When I was ten, we had a cat called Frosty. 548 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,840 Noo, Frosty scratched her one day when she went to pet him, 549 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,560 and she was absolutely ragin'. 550 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:50,880 So when the summer holidays came, know what she did? 551 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,720 She ran him ower on her bike! 552 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,440 Twice! 553 00:26:55,440 --> 00:27:00,760 So...I convinced Maggie to rethink her will. 554 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,800 She left the lot... 555 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,440 ..to the Cat Protection League! 556 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,720 Cathy? Got hee haw! 557 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,160 What did you get? Well, nothing. 558 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,480 I say nothing, but... 559 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,200 This wee fella here. 560 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,120 Maggie's pride and joy. 561 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,440 CAT MEOWS She's lovely. 562 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,880 What is that? 563 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,920 That's the pie. 564 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:36,080 Or rather, it's a display pie. 565 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,960 The sort of thing you'd put in the windae of a butcher's 566 00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:42,120 to encourage people to buy real pies. 567 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,320 That's a plastic pie. 568 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,200 You pair of pies. 569 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,360 PURRING 570 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:19,680 Mm. A handsome wee cat, that. 571 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,240 What you going to call it? 572 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,720 It's no up to me noo. Hi, Tam. 573 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,200 Oh, hello, Lenny. Have you got it? 574 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,560 There we are. Siamese. Pure-bred through and through. 575 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,600 150 quid, that's what we said. 576 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,880 Come on, now, Lenny. 200's what we said. 577 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,800 Cheers. Thanking you. Happy catting! 578 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,520 What? Have you seen the price of cat litter?! 579 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:47,760 THEY CHUCKLE