1
00:00:11,005 --> 00:00:18,005
This programme contains adult humour

2
00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:39,524
# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah

3
00:00:39,524 --> 00:00:41,405
# Zip-a-dee-ay

4
00:00:41,405 --> 00:00:43,365
# My, oh, my...

5
00:00:43,365 --> 00:00:45,405
♪ Oh, get out of the way. ♪

6
00:00:49,085 --> 00:00:50,285
Behold.

7
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,924
Winston Ingram.

8
00:00:51,924 --> 00:00:54,164
Craiglang's very own Ninja.

9
00:00:54,164 --> 00:00:55,964
Hello, Winston.

10
00:00:55,965 --> 00:00:57,925
Knew it was you without even
looking.

11
00:00:57,924 --> 00:01:02,804
Old Spice, stale beer and stinking
socks. Your hallmark.

12
00:01:02,804 --> 00:01:04,125
Bun.

13
00:01:04,125 --> 00:01:06,284
Oh, ya wee bastard, ye!

14
00:01:06,284 --> 00:01:07,444
Ma bag, ma bag!

15
00:01:07,444 --> 00:01:10,164
Winston, help!
Isa's bag!

16
00:01:10,165 --> 00:01:11,405
Isa's bag!

17
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:15,564
Get him, ya wan-legged,
pot-bellied, lazy wanker, ye!

18
00:01:15,564 --> 00:01:17,884
What are you gonnae do, chase me?

19
00:01:17,885 --> 00:01:19,165
MOCKING LAUGH

20
00:01:19,165 --> 00:01:22,805
DIDGERIDOO MUSIC

21
00:01:27,564 --> 00:01:28,765
Oh!

22
00:01:30,125 --> 00:01:32,004
Shut it, tadger.

23
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:33,964
Ma hero!

24
00:01:33,965 --> 00:01:35,365
Any time.

25
00:01:35,364 --> 00:01:36,644
Oh!

26
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,445
Oh...

27
00:01:44,325 --> 00:01:46,484
LIFT BELL DINGS

28
00:01:46,484 --> 00:01:48,125
Ho!

29
00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:50,325
Where the hell have you been?

30
00:01:50,325 --> 00:01:52,245
What do you mean,
where the hell have I been?

31
00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:53,645
I've been at the bookie's
putting on a line.

32
00:01:53,644 --> 00:01:55,364
I always go to the bookie's
on a Wednesday.

33
00:01:55,364 --> 00:01:57,084
Aye, aye, except it's Thursday.

34
00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:58,484
Ohh!

35
00:01:58,484 --> 00:02:00,004
And we go and we buy two
Beefy Bakes

36
00:02:00,004 --> 00:02:02,204
on a Thursday out of
Henderson's and tan them

37
00:02:02,204 --> 00:02:05,045
before we get to the Clansman. So as
not to annoy Boabby.

38
00:02:05,045 --> 00:02:06,924
Because his pies
are pish. Correct.

39
00:02:06,924 --> 00:02:08,365
So...

40
00:02:08,365 --> 00:02:09,605
What?

41
00:02:09,604 --> 00:02:11,125
Where's ma Beefy Bake?

42
00:02:11,125 --> 00:02:14,205
Ach, I've ate them, Jack.
You weren't at the designated
meet point.

43
00:02:14,205 --> 00:02:16,285
Well, all I know is, you've
designated ma Beefy Bake

44
00:02:16,284 --> 00:02:17,645
doon your neck, you skinny
fat rat, you!

45
00:02:17,645 --> 00:02:20,045
This is chaos.

46
00:02:20,044 --> 00:02:21,604
We're gonnae have tae
communicate better.

47
00:02:21,604 --> 00:02:23,164
Well, how about
we communicate like this?

48
00:02:23,164 --> 00:02:24,724
Beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep.

49
00:02:24,724 --> 00:02:26,164
You know what that is?

50
00:02:26,164 --> 00:02:28,804
That's Morse code for "greedy
arsehole"!

51
00:02:31,925 --> 00:02:34,445
LOW GROWLING

52
00:02:38,645 --> 00:02:40,844
What are ye staring at?

53
00:02:40,844 --> 00:02:43,205
Raw man.

54
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,245
All man.

55
00:02:45,245 --> 00:02:48,004
You're just what Craiglang needs.

56
00:02:48,004 --> 00:02:51,245
Oh, you've got me all going.
GROANS

57
00:02:51,245 --> 00:02:54,605
Jesus. Well, gonnae get going
and gie me some space?

58
00:02:54,604 --> 00:02:57,284
Oh, I've got a space for you.

59
00:02:57,284 --> 00:02:58,844
Wrap that.

60
00:02:58,844 --> 00:03:00,524
You're giving me the boak.

61
00:03:00,525 --> 00:03:02,125
SHE GROANS

62
00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:03,645
GROANING STOPS

63
00:03:12,164 --> 00:03:15,924
Och no, Isa. You've bought
me plenty.

64
00:03:15,925 --> 00:03:18,285
Ach, go on.

65
00:03:18,284 --> 00:03:19,805
Just one more pint.

66
00:03:19,805 --> 00:03:21,365
No, I'm half-cut already.

67
00:03:21,365 --> 00:03:24,243
You don't have the money.
Oh, I've got the money, all
right!

68
00:03:24,243 --> 00:03:26,163
Right here in this purse.

69
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,284
Thanks to you.

70
00:03:27,284 --> 00:03:30,564
You're a hero! Like Batman!

71
00:03:30,564 --> 00:03:31,645
Batman?

72
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:34,405
That's right. I'm Robbin'.

73
00:03:36,125 --> 00:03:38,525
Oh, look who it is!

74
00:03:38,525 --> 00:03:40,884
Thelma and Louise!

75
00:03:40,883 --> 00:03:43,923
Aye, well, we'd be happy
to drive off the end o' a cliff

76
00:03:43,925 --> 00:03:45,285
to get away fae your patter.

77
00:03:45,284 --> 00:03:46,405
Two pints, prick!

78
00:03:47,764 --> 00:03:51,044
There you are. Listen, there's
a bunch of weans outside
asking for you.

79
00:03:51,044 --> 00:03:52,284
What for?

80
00:03:52,284 --> 00:03:55,884
Well, they just said, "Could you
please send out Mr Ingram?"

81
00:03:55,884 --> 00:03:58,324
What did you say?
I said, "Away hame and get
to your beds.

82
00:03:58,324 --> 00:04:00,164
"You've got school in the
morning, you wee fannies."

83
00:04:00,164 --> 00:04:03,044
Oddly, that didn't work,
so they're still there.

84
00:04:03,044 --> 00:04:05,004
ALL CHEER

85
00:04:05,004 --> 00:04:06,685
Can we get a selfie?

86
00:04:06,685 --> 00:04:07,924
What?

87
00:04:07,925 --> 00:04:09,805
You want me to take a photo of you?

88
00:04:09,805 --> 00:04:12,085
No, you wi' us, you silly old
duffer.

89
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,164
Oi!
Hey, hey!

90
00:04:14,163 --> 00:04:15,843
W-W-What do you want a
photo wi' me for?

91
00:04:15,844 --> 00:04:17,485
Are you at the wind-up?

92
00:04:17,485 --> 00:04:19,725
Naw. We seen what you done
to that bag-snatcher.

93
00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:22,405
Took your leg off
and knocked that guy oot.

94
00:04:22,404 --> 00:04:24,084
Actual legend.

95
00:04:24,084 --> 00:04:26,125
Actual sick, man.

96
00:04:26,125 --> 00:04:28,444
I filmed you fae o'er there. Look.

97
00:04:28,444 --> 00:04:30,764
Oh, watch this, boys.

98
00:04:30,764 --> 00:04:33,485
Oh, that boy's snatched ma bag.

99
00:04:33,485 --> 00:04:35,245
Noo he's running away.

100
00:04:35,245 --> 00:04:37,004
There's Winston taking his leg aff.

101
00:04:37,004 --> 00:04:39,404
Gonnae wrap it, missus,
wi' the running commentary?

102
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,844
The video speaks for itself.

103
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,805
Aye.
Cheeky wee article.

104
00:04:42,805 --> 00:04:44,725
JACK: Oh, ho, eh! Look at that.

105
00:04:44,725 --> 00:04:46,325
Ho-ho, bull's-eye!

106
00:04:46,324 --> 00:04:47,764
WINSTON: Shut it, tadger!

107
00:04:47,764 --> 00:04:48,964
BOYS CHUCKLE

108
00:04:48,964 --> 00:04:50,964
That is brilliant, Winston!
Aye, you're like Dirty Harry!

109
00:04:50,964 --> 00:04:52,404
Aye, more like Manky Winston!

110
00:04:52,404 --> 00:04:53,644
ALL LAUGH

111
00:04:53,644 --> 00:04:55,245
So?

112
00:04:55,245 --> 00:04:56,444
What? So what?

113
00:04:56,444 --> 00:04:57,485
Can we get a selfie?

114
00:04:57,485 --> 00:05:00,085
Eh, aye, I suppose so.

115
00:05:00,084 --> 00:05:02,404
Right, are you wanting us in
it, then?

116
00:05:02,404 --> 00:05:05,044
Naw. Yous are nobodies
and you'll be dead soon.

117
00:05:05,045 --> 00:05:06,645
Oh, well, that's charming, in't it?

118
00:05:06,644 --> 00:05:08,044
WINSTON: Right, here we go. We're
on.

119
00:05:08,045 --> 00:05:09,004
Shut it, tadger.

120
00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:10,084
SHUTTER CLICKS

121
00:05:10,084 --> 00:05:12,324
RADIO JINGLE

122
00:05:12,324 --> 00:05:14,084
Stay with me, Des Clarke,
as we're joined next

123
00:05:14,084 --> 00:05:17,564
by Scotland's latest internet
sensation.

124
00:05:17,564 --> 00:05:20,485
Des.
Oh! Hi, Winston. I'm Des.

125
00:05:20,485 --> 00:05:22,645
Hello, son.
Great story, by the way.

126
00:05:22,644 --> 00:05:25,524
Eh? Och, aye. Well, it's a simple
enough story, you know...

127
00:05:25,524 --> 00:05:28,084
Oh, hold on. Save it. Have a seat.

128
00:05:28,084 --> 00:05:30,805
Now, when we come out of this track
we're gonnae go live,

129
00:05:30,805 --> 00:05:33,685
and I'll ask you about it then.
You've got about 20 seconds.

130
00:05:33,685 --> 00:05:37,485
Oh, and no swearing. So
now's the time to get anything
out your system.

131
00:05:37,485 --> 00:05:39,324
Can I get you a cup of tea or
coffee, Mr Ingram?

132
00:05:39,324 --> 00:05:41,764
Eh, tea...you bastard.

133
00:05:41,764 --> 00:05:45,644
Milk and a big shitey spoon o'
sugar in it.

134
00:05:48,324 --> 00:05:49,724
Baws, fanny, arsehole.

135
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,885
CHEEKS VIBRATE

136
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,125
Right, son, that's me ready.

137
00:05:54,125 --> 00:05:56,925
We are back and blessed indeed

138
00:05:56,925 --> 00:06:00,324
to have a phenomenal internet
superstar in our company.

139
00:06:00,324 --> 00:06:02,925
As of this morning,
the clip of Mr Winston Ingram

140
00:06:02,925 --> 00:06:08,045
taking down a bag-snatcher
last week has been watched
by over 300,000 people.

141
00:06:08,045 --> 00:06:11,045
So, how does it feel, Winston,
to go viral?

142
00:06:11,045 --> 00:06:12,245
Eh?

143
00:06:12,245 --> 00:06:14,485
I'm no' viral. I have a shower every
morning!

144
00:06:14,485 --> 00:06:15,525
WINSTON CHUCKLES

145
00:06:16,884 --> 00:06:19,964
Tough studio.
Tell us what happened.

146
00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:21,084
Eh, och...

147
00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:22,245
Quite simple, really.

148
00:06:22,245 --> 00:06:23,764
I seen this bast...

149
00:06:23,764 --> 00:06:28,084
..eh, fella running away wi'
my pal's handbag.

150
00:06:28,084 --> 00:06:31,805
I didnae really think twice about
it. I just took him out wi' my leg.

151
00:06:31,805 --> 00:06:33,564
Och, you've seen it.
Indeed we have.

152
00:06:33,564 --> 00:06:37,764
And Scotland thanks you. You,
Winston, are a national hero.

153
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,084
Now, would you like to stick around

154
00:06:39,084 --> 00:06:40,884
and take part
in our Pumping Pickle quiz?

155
00:06:40,884 --> 00:06:41,925
What?

156
00:06:41,925 --> 00:06:43,245
Shut it, tadger!

157
00:06:44,324 --> 00:06:46,404
And Scotland does indeed love you.

158
00:06:46,404 --> 00:06:48,764
Look at the phones, they're lighting
up here, Winston.

159
00:06:48,764 --> 00:06:51,724
Let's go to the lines and speak to
Grant on line 1. Morning, Grant.

160
00:06:51,725 --> 00:06:53,365
WINSTON: Hello, Grant.

161
00:06:53,365 --> 00:06:54,965
That's us friends of the
famous now, in't it?

162
00:06:54,964 --> 00:06:57,685
Aye, he'll be rubbing shoulders wi'
the Kardoshians

163
00:06:57,685 --> 00:07:00,204
and her man that turned
into a woman.

164
00:07:00,204 --> 00:07:03,044
Say hello tae ma friends,
Brad and George.

165
00:07:03,045 --> 00:07:04,485
Formby?
Clooney!

166
00:07:04,485 --> 00:07:05,764
Oh, aye.

167
00:07:05,764 --> 00:07:07,245
Aye, the phone is king noo.

168
00:07:07,245 --> 00:07:09,725
How d'you mean?
Well, everyone's got one.

169
00:07:09,725 --> 00:07:12,524
Me. Isa. Winston. Tam. Boabby.

170
00:07:12,524 --> 00:07:13,803
Even Meena's got one.

171
00:07:13,805 --> 00:07:16,245
She only uses it to order
Chinese takeaway.

172
00:07:16,245 --> 00:07:17,285
MEENA LAUGHS

173
00:07:17,285 --> 00:07:19,405
TRANSLATION:

174
00:07:20,324 --> 00:07:22,485
She likes prawns.

175
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:26,564
Aye. Well, I guess that makes
us a couple of yesterday's
men, doesn't it?

176
00:07:26,564 --> 00:07:28,644
Aye, well, it's no' for us, that,
eh?

177
00:07:28,644 --> 00:07:30,844
I'm quite happy being a
yesterday's man.

178
00:07:30,845 --> 00:07:32,084
Yeah. Well, I'm no'.

179
00:07:32,084 --> 00:07:33,524
Neither am I.

180
00:07:33,524 --> 00:07:36,644
You can stick that right up
your cardigan. I mean, look at
us the other day, right?

181
00:07:36,644 --> 00:07:38,324
I'm in the bookie's.
You're in the baker's.

182
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:42,404
Now, if we had a couple of
phones, we would not have
got in that fankle!

183
00:07:42,404 --> 00:07:44,164
"Hello, there, Jack. I'm in the
baker's!"

184
00:07:44,165 --> 00:07:46,004
"Oh, hello, Victor.
I'm in the bookie's!"

185
00:07:46,004 --> 00:07:47,524
"Should you no' be here?"
"Yes, I should!

186
00:07:47,524 --> 00:07:49,324
"So you stay where you are,
because I'm on ma way.

187
00:07:49,324 --> 00:07:50,685
"Do not eat my Beefy Bake!"

188
00:07:50,685 --> 00:07:52,125
MIMICS CRACKLING

189
00:07:52,125 --> 00:07:53,524
"Sorry, Jack, you're breaking
up!"

190
00:07:53,524 --> 00:07:55,364
ALL LAUGH

191
00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:58,805
Two phones?

192
00:07:58,805 --> 00:08:00,125
Two phones!
Hmm.

193
00:08:00,125 --> 00:08:03,084
Are you wanting Android or
iPhone, 3G or 4G Wi-Fi?

194
00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:06,084
I've got 16, 32, 64 GB.
And I can also do you 128,

195
00:08:06,084 --> 00:08:08,004
but you're only going to need
that if you're storing, like,

196
00:08:08,004 --> 00:08:11,045
a lot of music and videos and
stuff. Are ye gonnae use them
for streaming?

197
00:08:13,764 --> 00:08:14,925
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

198
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,884
Are you just wanting to
talk to each other?

199
00:08:19,884 --> 00:08:21,324
Aye, son.

200
00:08:21,324 --> 00:08:22,964
Hold on.

201
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,724
Here, you got two o' them
Pay As You Goes?

202
00:08:26,725 --> 00:08:28,085
MAN: Which one?

203
00:08:28,084 --> 00:08:30,204
Ach, any one.
They're two daft old bastards.

204
00:08:34,924 --> 00:08:36,084
There you are.

205
00:08:36,085 --> 00:08:38,884
Two Pay As Ye Go phones.
20 quid each.

206
00:08:43,245 --> 00:08:44,804
Well, welcome to the future!

207
00:08:44,804 --> 00:08:46,245
Pure Jetsons!

208
00:08:46,245 --> 00:08:49,004
BOTH MIMIC JETSONS' SPACESHIP

209
00:08:49,004 --> 00:08:51,485
Ah, The Jetsons...

210
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,164
Hot dog, son.

211
00:08:57,164 --> 00:08:58,804
LAUGHS

212
00:08:58,804 --> 00:09:00,844
What are you laughing at?
It's you. You crack me up.

213
00:09:00,845 --> 00:09:02,485
What, for asking for a hot dog?

214
00:09:03,565 --> 00:09:05,525
Tell me what is funny
about these three words -

215
00:09:05,524 --> 00:09:06,725
hot dog, son?

216
00:09:06,725 --> 00:09:08,524
See what I mean?

217
00:09:08,524 --> 00:09:10,365
You wanting ketchup?
Aye.

218
00:09:11,605 --> 00:09:13,764
Mustard?
Aye!

219
00:09:13,764 --> 00:09:15,764
You want onions?

220
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,324
Is this your first day?
Of course I want onions.

221
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,365
Please. Gie us the line.

222
00:09:23,004 --> 00:09:24,125
Shut it, tadger.

223
00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:27,044
LAUGHS

224
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:29,245
Thanking you. Right, how much?

225
00:09:29,245 --> 00:09:30,764
For you, nothing.

226
00:09:30,764 --> 00:09:33,044
Eh?
You're a star, man.

227
00:09:33,044 --> 00:09:34,125
A legend.

228
00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:35,245
A leg-end.

229
00:09:35,245 --> 00:09:36,965
LAUGHS

230
00:09:36,965 --> 00:09:40,805
There he is, the man of the hour!

231
00:09:40,804 --> 00:09:45,364
Enjoying the spoils of
contemporary fame that only
the internet could bring.

232
00:09:45,365 --> 00:09:46,485
Eh?

233
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:49,125
A complete stranger
bestows a gift upon you

234
00:09:49,125 --> 00:09:51,884
in exchange for the privilege
of basking in your glow

235
00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:53,485
for the briefest of moments.

236
00:09:53,485 --> 00:09:55,205
What are you on about?

237
00:09:55,205 --> 00:09:56,365
Observe.

238
00:09:56,365 --> 00:10:00,924
Mate, can I trouble you
for a gratis hot dog sandwich?

239
00:10:00,924 --> 00:10:02,684
Absolutely not, junkie.

240
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:06,044
There it is.

241
00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:09,405
Oh, aye.

242
00:10:09,404 --> 00:10:12,125
Aye, I see what you mean, son. Aye.

243
00:10:12,125 --> 00:10:13,725
Cheers.

244
00:10:16,245 --> 00:10:17,804
What's your next move?

245
00:10:17,804 --> 00:10:20,245
There's a young boy, works in
Henderson's the bakers,

246
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,685
always on his phone.

247
00:10:21,684 --> 00:10:24,084
I think I'll get a sausage roll
out of him.

248
00:10:24,085 --> 00:10:27,325
Winston, if there's anything I know
about digital fame, it's fleeting.

249
00:10:27,325 --> 00:10:31,045
Do you think Elvis played hayrides
and hoedowns all his days?

250
00:10:31,044 --> 00:10:32,524
Naw.

251
00:10:32,524 --> 00:10:35,965
Mr Tom Parker took him to Vegas.

252
00:10:35,965 --> 00:10:38,725
And if you're enjoying
this amount of fame,

253
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:42,004
and that mustard on your
cardigan tells me that you are,

254
00:10:42,004 --> 00:10:44,125
then you need to grow it.

255
00:10:44,125 --> 00:10:45,724
Nurture it.

256
00:10:45,725 --> 00:10:47,805
Keep it fresh.

257
00:10:47,804 --> 00:10:49,564
LAUGHS

258
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:52,005
How would I do that?
Follow me.

259
00:11:00,684 --> 00:11:01,924
KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE

260
00:11:01,924 --> 00:11:03,004
Ooh! Ya bastard.

261
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,285
Jack Jarvis Esquire.

262
00:11:07,284 --> 00:11:10,684
To whom am I speaking?
It's your old pal Victor
McDade

263
00:11:10,684 --> 00:11:12,604
calling you from my mobile device.

264
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,284
Oh, smashing.

265
00:11:14,284 --> 00:11:15,485
Are you in?

266
00:11:15,485 --> 00:11:16,725
Yes, I am.

267
00:11:16,725 --> 00:11:20,165
And the door is on the latch,
so enter at your leisure.

268
00:11:20,164 --> 00:11:23,004
Entering the apartment now, over.

269
00:11:24,845 --> 00:11:28,565
Ho-ho, I thoroughly enjoyed that!

270
00:11:28,565 --> 00:11:31,365
Aye. These are great, aren't they?

271
00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:33,605
But listen, I'm no' keen
on my phone when it rings.

272
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,605
Oh, you mean your ringtone?

273
00:11:35,605 --> 00:11:37,325
Aye. I don't like it.

274
00:11:37,325 --> 00:11:39,605
It sounds like the Titanic
just before it sank.

275
00:11:39,605 --> 00:11:41,164
You can change that.

276
00:11:41,164 --> 00:11:43,164
Can you? What have you got?

277
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,284
Call me.

278
00:11:47,605 --> 00:11:50,764
FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE

279
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,165
I like that.

280
00:11:56,164 --> 00:12:00,764
Aye, aye, it's a good fit for me,
you know. Suggests a man of action.

281
00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:02,365
Mystery. Intrigue.

282
00:12:02,365 --> 00:12:04,245
Well, I'll have that as well, then.

283
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:06,125
Aye. Naw.

284
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:07,524
How not?

285
00:12:07,524 --> 00:12:09,443
Och, we cannae have the same
ringtone, Jack. That's shite.

286
00:12:09,445 --> 00:12:11,245
The ringtone's an individual thing.

287
00:12:11,245 --> 00:12:13,804
It should say something
unique about you!

288
00:12:13,804 --> 00:12:18,204
Well, I want mines to uniquely
say, "Hello, ladies.

289
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:23,845
"I'm a widower, and therefore
available for dinner or
perhaps a little more."

290
00:12:23,845 --> 00:12:26,805
Do you know what the perfect
ringtone for that is, Jack?

291
00:12:26,804 --> 00:12:28,764
What?

292
00:12:28,764 --> 00:12:29,965
KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE

293
00:12:29,965 --> 00:12:31,325
Oh, you bastard.

294
00:12:31,325 --> 00:12:33,085
Are yous in?

295
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:36,965
Oh, yous need to come and see this!

296
00:12:38,404 --> 00:12:40,964
Oh. Oh, look, it's Winston.

297
00:12:40,965 --> 00:12:42,365
Hello, Winston!

298
00:12:42,365 --> 00:12:45,485
For God's sake, Jack,
it's no' a phone link,

299
00:12:45,485 --> 00:12:47,683
it's an uploaded video.

300
00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,923
It's an uploaded video, you daftie.

301
00:12:51,845 --> 00:12:54,365
MICK: What are you doing, Winston?

302
00:12:54,365 --> 00:12:55,965
The Winston combo roll.

303
00:12:55,965 --> 00:12:57,605
The breakfast of champions.

304
00:12:57,605 --> 00:12:59,685
MICK: That looks bogging.

305
00:12:59,684 --> 00:13:01,644
You live under a bridge!
That's bogging!

306
00:13:01,644 --> 00:13:03,365
Anyway, shut up and get in!

307
00:13:03,365 --> 00:13:05,845
It's me they're tuning in to see.

308
00:13:05,845 --> 00:13:09,045
Now, a lot of people
have been contacting me,

309
00:13:09,044 --> 00:13:11,604
tweeting me and FaceChatting me

310
00:13:11,605 --> 00:13:13,164
and certain things like that,

311
00:13:13,164 --> 00:13:15,324
to see how I keep my
strength up. And here it is.

312
00:13:15,325 --> 00:13:17,685
Come in, you eejit,
come in, closer to the pan.

313
00:13:17,684 --> 00:13:20,364
MICK: There's too much oil in there.

314
00:13:20,365 --> 00:13:23,365
What would you know about cooking?
Apart fae cooking wi' a spoon?

315
00:13:23,365 --> 00:13:25,284
BOTH LAUGH

316
00:13:25,284 --> 00:13:27,404
Right, back to the pan. Now,
here we go.

317
00:13:27,404 --> 00:13:30,605
You take your flat sausage
and you stick it there.

318
00:13:30,605 --> 00:13:31,764
Always flat, mind,

319
00:13:31,764 --> 00:13:33,924
because if you use links
they roll off the roll.

320
00:13:33,924 --> 00:13:37,245
So, you put your flat sausage
on the tattie-scone bed

321
00:13:37,245 --> 00:13:39,164
and then finally...

322
00:13:39,164 --> 00:13:41,964
..you top it with a fried egg.

323
00:13:41,965 --> 00:13:45,845
A wee bit o' white pepper and
the secret ingredient, Tabasco.

324
00:13:47,524 --> 00:13:50,444
That looks absolutely delicious.

325
00:13:50,445 --> 00:13:52,965
Right, here we go.

326
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:55,644
MICK LAUGHS

327
00:13:55,644 --> 00:13:58,444
Shut it, you. Get me a towel.

328
00:13:58,445 --> 00:13:59,965
MICK LAUGHS

329
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,685
Right. And what?

330
00:14:01,684 --> 00:14:04,444
Well, that's just Winston
doing what he normally does.

331
00:14:04,445 --> 00:14:06,285
I mean, who's interested in
watching that?

332
00:14:06,284 --> 00:14:09,004
Who's interested? Everybody.

333
00:14:10,245 --> 00:14:12,085
He only put that up this morning.

334
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,925
That'll go up to a million, that.

335
00:14:14,924 --> 00:14:17,084
What's that there? Click that.

336
00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:19,925
There you go.

337
00:14:19,924 --> 00:14:21,524
MUSIC
Oh, dear.

338
00:14:21,524 --> 00:14:24,044
Oh, my God!
Get that off my computer!

339
00:14:24,044 --> 00:14:25,884
You'll have the polis at my door!

340
00:14:27,125 --> 00:14:28,284
Right, that one.

341
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,684
Wait a minute.
Click it, click it!

342
00:14:30,684 --> 00:14:33,004
I can still see it!
What did you click?!

343
00:14:33,004 --> 00:14:34,085
"Like".

344
00:14:34,085 --> 00:14:36,405
Oh, my God.

345
00:14:37,965 --> 00:14:40,285
A million views.

346
00:14:40,284 --> 00:14:41,764
For bursting an egg?

347
00:14:41,764 --> 00:14:43,404
A million-and-a-half, and rising.

348
00:14:43,404 --> 00:14:47,204
That's your problem wi' the
modern world. You can get
famous for doing nothing.

349
00:14:47,205 --> 00:14:49,965
See, in the old days,
you had to have talent.

350
00:14:49,965 --> 00:14:51,805
You had to do everything.

351
00:14:51,804 --> 00:14:54,884
Your Forsyths, your Basseys,

352
00:14:54,884 --> 00:14:56,564
your Pasquales.

353
00:14:56,565 --> 00:14:59,125
He just had the daft voice.

354
00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:00,884
That's more than Winston's got.

355
00:15:00,884 --> 00:15:02,524
Aye, well, anyroads...

356
00:15:02,524 --> 00:15:05,764
We want some of that
and we're going to do it better.

357
00:15:05,764 --> 00:15:09,284
What are you two daft old buggers
gonnae dae wi' phones?

358
00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:10,924
Call each other a hearse?

359
00:15:12,284 --> 00:15:14,125
How many contacts do you have?

360
00:15:14,125 --> 00:15:15,485
Eh...

361
00:15:15,485 --> 00:15:17,324
Let me see noo.

362
00:15:17,325 --> 00:15:18,525
Code.

363
00:15:18,524 --> 00:15:22,884
Contacts. Contacts, contacts.

364
00:15:22,884 --> 00:15:24,325
One.

365
00:15:25,845 --> 00:15:28,245
Let me guess. Jack?

366
00:15:28,245 --> 00:15:29,965
Aye.

367
00:15:29,965 --> 00:15:33,285
And would your secret
passcode be 1234?

368
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,004
Naw.

369
00:15:36,004 --> 00:15:38,365
FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE

370
00:15:38,365 --> 00:15:39,565
Excuse me.

371
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:41,325
Oh, who could it be?

372
00:15:41,325 --> 00:15:43,725
Hello, Jack. How are you, my friend?

373
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:45,245
Good.

374
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:48,685
Are you, aye? Good for you.

375
00:15:48,684 --> 00:15:49,884
What are you wanting?

376
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,524
Pint of lager for Jack, please,
Boabby.

377
00:15:56,804 --> 00:15:58,284
These are bloody brilliant.

378
00:15:58,284 --> 00:16:00,644
You can still talk even when
you're doing a pish!

379
00:16:00,644 --> 00:16:03,524
Here, Jack, how many contacts
do you have?

380
00:16:03,524 --> 00:16:05,044
Oh, right. Eh...

381
00:16:05,044 --> 00:16:06,164
CHUCKLES

382
00:16:06,164 --> 00:16:08,125
Eh...eh...one.

383
00:16:08,125 --> 00:16:11,404
Aye, you should have went to Toys R
Us and got yourselves

384
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:14,845
a pair of weans' walkie-talkies, you
couple of wallopers.

385
00:16:14,845 --> 00:16:17,764
Boys, are yous wanting to add me

386
00:16:17,764 --> 00:16:20,284
to your contacts?
BOTH: Sure!

387
00:16:20,284 --> 00:16:22,964
Are yous wanting my contact
details, boys?

388
00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:24,445
BOTH: Naw.

389
00:16:24,445 --> 00:16:28,685
Right, I've sent my number
to both of your numbers.

390
00:16:28,684 --> 00:16:30,844
PHONES CHIME

391
00:16:30,845 --> 00:16:32,325
How do you know our numbers?

392
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:35,405
How did I know your numbers?

393
00:16:35,404 --> 00:16:36,564
ISA CHUCKLES

394
00:16:36,565 --> 00:16:37,725
See? There you are, Boabby.

395
00:16:37,725 --> 00:16:39,284
We'll build up our contacts,

396
00:16:39,284 --> 00:16:41,605
especially when we go virile.

397
00:16:41,605 --> 00:16:43,085
Viral, Jack.

398
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:45,004
What did I say?
Virile.

399
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,524
Aye, you've not got
whatever Winston's got.

400
00:16:48,524 --> 00:16:51,884
Shut your hole. We've got it in
spades. How hard can it be?

401
00:16:51,884 --> 00:16:54,605
My favourite one of them
is when the wee boy bites the other

402
00:16:54,605 --> 00:16:56,365
- wee boy's finger.
- Aye.

403
00:16:56,365 --> 00:16:59,044
Oh, no, no, I like the newsreader
boy

404
00:16:59,044 --> 00:17:02,164
when his family all burst in
behind him.

405
00:17:02,164 --> 00:17:04,204
This is my favourite.

406
00:17:04,204 --> 00:17:05,804
Cliff diver.

407
00:17:05,805 --> 00:17:07,924
Misses the water completely.

408
00:17:07,924 --> 00:17:09,044
CRUNCH

409
00:17:09,045 --> 00:17:10,565
BOTH: Ohh!

410
00:17:10,565 --> 00:17:14,565
Oh, ye sick bastard!
Why would you watch that?

411
00:17:14,565 --> 00:17:15,965
Cos it's funny.

412
00:17:15,964 --> 00:17:17,605
Look at him.

413
00:17:17,605 --> 00:17:18,924
He's just mush!

414
00:17:18,924 --> 00:17:21,125
Eight million views!

415
00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:23,684
Right, that's what we'll do, then.

416
00:17:23,684 --> 00:17:26,764
I'll get Victor to film me stepping
out in front of an 89 bus

417
00:17:26,765 --> 00:17:27,965
and getting splattered.

418
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,924
I mean, who would watch that?

419
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:32,204
Me, eight million times.

420
00:17:35,204 --> 00:17:38,484
Here he is! Scotland's Angry
Grandpa!

421
00:17:38,484 --> 00:17:40,964
Aye, that's what they're
calling you!

422
00:17:40,964 --> 00:17:43,284
Aye, that's ma gimmick, boys.

423
00:17:43,285 --> 00:17:44,485
BOABBY: Goldie?

424
00:17:44,484 --> 00:17:46,524
Certainly not.

425
00:17:46,525 --> 00:17:47,725
Mineral water.

426
00:17:49,085 --> 00:17:50,485
Got to watch the weight.

427
00:17:50,484 --> 00:17:53,444
- Camera adds 20lb.
- Mineral water, eh?

428
00:17:53,444 --> 00:17:56,004
Listen to this one.
He's went all Hollywood!

429
00:17:56,005 --> 00:17:58,245
You'll be forgetting your pals next.

430
00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,684
Eh...

431
00:17:59,684 --> 00:18:03,044
- Tam, isn't it?
- "Isn't it"?!

432
00:18:03,045 --> 00:18:06,005
I'm only winding you up.
It's good to see ye.

433
00:18:06,005 --> 00:18:07,445
Aye.

434
00:18:07,444 --> 00:18:09,044
WINSTON CHUCKLES

435
00:18:09,045 --> 00:18:10,164
- W-W-What's this?
- Eh?

436
00:18:10,164 --> 00:18:11,365
I've no' got malaria.

437
00:18:11,365 --> 00:18:12,924
Oh, I know, I know,

438
00:18:12,924 --> 00:18:15,365
but the thing is, you see, I've been
shaking that many paws,

439
00:18:15,365 --> 00:18:17,684
you know, you've got to be safe.

440
00:18:17,684 --> 00:18:20,244
I mean, you just don't know what's
out there.

441
00:18:20,244 --> 00:18:22,684
I'll tell you this,
you think you're a big shot.

442
00:18:22,684 --> 00:18:27,244
- There's no money in it.
- Is there no'?

443
00:18:27,244 --> 00:18:31,004
Opened that new bingo hall on Carson
Street this morning.

444
00:18:31,005 --> 00:18:32,805
500 quid.

445
00:18:32,805 --> 00:18:34,445
Cash in hand.

446
00:18:36,884 --> 00:18:38,684
Let's face it, boys.

447
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:42,365
You're analogue...and I'm digital.

448
00:18:42,365 --> 00:18:44,605
Winston.
What?

449
00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:46,325
Can we add you as a contact?

450
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:49,684
Shut it, tadgers!

451
00:18:58,484 --> 00:19:00,684
How do we even get this up
onto the World Wide Web?

452
00:19:00,684 --> 00:19:02,004
It's called top-loading.

453
00:19:02,005 --> 00:19:05,445
We don't need to worry about
that. Isa's going to help us

454
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:08,845
by top-loading it into the
clouds, or something.

455
00:19:08,845 --> 00:19:10,845
Are we...we ready?

456
00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:13,444
Ready, let's do this.

457
00:19:16,444 --> 00:19:18,125
What are you doing, old pal?

458
00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:19,605
Just feeding the ducks.

459
00:19:19,605 --> 00:19:21,204
Hey, hey, classic.

460
00:19:21,204 --> 00:19:22,324
Sick.

461
00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:31,125
Oh, there's the wind blew my
bunnet off.

462
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:33,845
That's embarrassing. I hope you
weren't filming that.

463
00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:36,164
BOTH LAUGH

464
00:19:36,164 --> 00:19:37,805
Right, we're done.

465
00:19:37,805 --> 00:19:39,805
CHUCKLES

466
00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:42,325
Gold.
Oh, aye.

467
00:19:43,565 --> 00:19:44,725
KNOCK ON DOOR

468
00:19:44,724 --> 00:19:48,244
TV: ..Race today we've got eight
runners and it's the 17.45.

469
00:19:48,244 --> 00:19:50,164
KNOCKING CONTINUES

470
00:19:56,484 --> 00:19:57,684
This better be good.

471
00:19:57,684 --> 00:19:58,844
We need to make a new video.

472
00:19:58,844 --> 00:20:01,004
Not good enough.

473
00:20:01,005 --> 00:20:07,525
BANGING ON DOOR

474
00:20:07,525 --> 00:20:09,325
SIGHS

475
00:20:09,325 --> 00:20:10,525
Don't do a PSY.

476
00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:12,365
I'm sighing because I need to watch
my race.

477
00:20:12,365 --> 00:20:13,724
There's a special horse in it.

478
00:20:13,724 --> 00:20:16,404
Naw. Don't do a PSY -

479
00:20:16,404 --> 00:20:19,524
the South Korean overnight
sensation.

480
00:20:19,525 --> 00:20:21,325
See if I knew
what you were talking about,

481
00:20:21,325 --> 00:20:22,845
I'd be interested, but I'm no'.

482
00:20:24,045 --> 00:20:25,125
See PSY?

483
00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:26,365
See PSY?

484
00:20:26,365 --> 00:20:28,605
Aye, see PSY?

485
00:20:28,605 --> 00:20:30,365
See PSY, see PSY by the seashore.

486
00:20:30,365 --> 00:20:32,444
Why are you still on my doorstep?

487
00:20:32,444 --> 00:20:34,924
PSY had it all. Mad wee dance.

488
00:20:34,924 --> 00:20:36,325
Gangnam Style.

489
00:20:36,325 --> 00:20:37,525
Wee lasso.

490
00:20:37,525 --> 00:20:39,245
The whole world loved it.

491
00:20:39,244 --> 00:20:43,284
PSY's big boss is like that.
"What's next?"

492
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:44,404
PSY's like that...

493
00:20:46,924 --> 00:20:49,164
"..Is this no' enough?"

494
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,244
PSY's boss is like that. "Naw."

495
00:20:51,244 --> 00:20:54,884
PSY's like that. Raging.

496
00:20:54,884 --> 00:20:57,244
Next thing you know,
he's...he's binned.

497
00:20:57,244 --> 00:20:59,844
Like a pumpkin on November 1st!

498
00:20:59,845 --> 00:21:01,045
LAUGHS

499
00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:03,525
Right. I caught PSY and something
about a pumpkin.

500
00:21:03,525 --> 00:21:05,965
Now, my horse is running,
and I need to see it!

501
00:21:05,964 --> 00:21:08,845
What I'm saying is,
don't be a cautionary tale.

502
00:21:08,845 --> 00:21:10,245
A one-hit wonder.

503
00:21:10,244 --> 00:21:12,404
You'll need to come up with
something better than,

504
00:21:12,404 --> 00:21:13,964
"Shut it, tadger."

505
00:21:13,964 --> 00:21:16,404
TV: ..and it's Shut It, Tadger
by a length

506
00:21:16,404 --> 00:21:19,524
from Jacamo Sprint in second and Old
Dumbarton in third.

507
00:21:19,525 --> 00:21:21,644
I had a tenner on my Tadger.

508
00:21:24,964 --> 00:21:26,244
ISA: It's a hit.

509
00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:27,524
Oh, yes, eh?

510
00:21:27,525 --> 00:21:29,125
We're a hit!

511
00:21:29,125 --> 00:21:30,565
Naw. You've got one hit.

512
00:21:30,565 --> 00:21:33,605
And that was me checking I've
uploaded it properly.

513
00:21:33,605 --> 00:21:35,245
Oh, well, we're humped.

514
00:21:35,244 --> 00:21:36,884
Hold on, Jack.

515
00:21:36,884 --> 00:21:40,125
If you throw one dart and miss the
board, what does that tell you?

516
00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:41,765
Well, it means that you're
shite at darts.

517
00:21:41,765 --> 00:21:44,085
Naw! You throw another.

518
00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:45,444
Then another.

519
00:21:45,444 --> 00:21:48,444
Then another one after that. And you
keep throwing them until...

520
00:21:48,444 --> 00:21:51,284
You have to take the dartboard down
and re-paper the wall

521
00:21:51,285 --> 00:21:53,165
cos it's full o' wee holes.

522
00:21:56,085 --> 00:21:59,245
MUSIC: Fame And Fortune
by Elvis Presley

523
00:21:59,244 --> 00:22:01,644
# Fame and fortune

524
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:08,765
# How empty they can be

525
00:22:10,964 --> 00:22:16,684
# But when I hold you in my arms

526
00:22:18,164 --> 00:22:21,964
# That's a heaven to me

527
00:22:21,964 --> 00:22:28,924
# Who cares for fame and fortune?

528
00:22:31,763 --> 00:22:36,603
# They're only passing things

529
00:22:39,044 --> 00:22:44,244
# But the touch of your lips on mine

530
00:22:46,005 --> 00:22:47,485
♪ Fame and fortune... ♪

531
00:22:47,484 --> 00:22:49,924
ISA: Ice bucket challenge.

532
00:22:49,924 --> 00:22:53,724
Wee bit passe, boys.

533
00:22:53,724 --> 00:22:55,644
Time to chuck the darts.

534
00:22:55,644 --> 00:22:58,565
Neither of you is a Jocky Wilson.

535
00:23:00,644 --> 00:23:02,565
Hello, boys.

536
00:23:03,805 --> 00:23:05,965
Here, do you want me to do the line?

537
00:23:05,964 --> 00:23:07,004
Aye, go well!

538
00:23:07,005 --> 00:23:08,085
Shut it, tadger.

539
00:23:08,085 --> 00:23:09,285
BOYS LAUGH SOFTLY

540
00:23:09,285 --> 00:23:11,125
We were actually watching this guy.

541
00:23:11,125 --> 00:23:13,403
He's fae Paisley.

542
00:23:13,403 --> 00:23:15,403
He's brilliant, that old duffer,
in't he, man?

543
00:23:15,404 --> 00:23:17,605
That's the ticket!
BOYS LAUGH

544
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:20,683
- Funny, in't he?
- Are you the Angry Grandpa?

545
00:23:20,683 --> 00:23:23,523
Yes, I am. Shut it, tadger.
Pleased to meet you.

546
00:23:23,525 --> 00:23:25,165
Oh, right.

547
00:23:25,164 --> 00:23:28,325
Would you mind coming to the opening
of the community centre tonight,

548
00:23:28,325 --> 00:23:31,205
saying a few words?
We don't have much money.

549
00:23:31,204 --> 00:23:32,804
Eh, probably 200?

550
00:23:32,805 --> 00:23:34,565
200 is fine.

551
00:23:34,565 --> 00:23:35,884
Great, see you later.

552
00:23:35,884 --> 00:23:37,964
Did yous hear that, eh?

553
00:23:37,964 --> 00:23:41,004
£200.

554
00:23:41,005 --> 00:23:42,685
That's the ticket!

555
00:23:42,684 --> 00:23:44,204
WINSTON CHUCKLES

556
00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:49,285
What are we celebrating?

557
00:23:49,285 --> 00:23:51,525
Getting out of the fame game.

558
00:23:51,525 --> 00:23:54,165
Face it, Jack. Boabby was right.

559
00:23:54,164 --> 00:23:58,244
Winston has got something
that we don't.

560
00:23:58,244 --> 00:23:59,564
Winston's got talent.

561
00:24:00,845 --> 00:24:03,884
Cheers, you tomato-faced X Factor
bastard, you.

562
00:24:08,204 --> 00:24:09,764
Phones out.
Aye.

563
00:24:14,924 --> 00:24:16,244
PHONE DIALS

564
00:24:16,244 --> 00:24:18,364
PHONE RINGS

565
00:24:34,444 --> 00:24:36,484
Look what I've dug oot.
CHUCKLES

566
00:24:37,805 --> 00:24:40,085
Oh, is that the old wedding
album? It is, aye.

567
00:24:40,085 --> 00:24:42,045
C'mon, we'll gie ourselves
a wee laugh, eh?

568
00:24:42,045 --> 00:24:44,565
Cheer ourselves up. Aye.

569
00:24:44,565 --> 00:24:46,404
CHUCKLES

570
00:24:46,404 --> 00:24:47,605
Eh, huh?

571
00:24:47,605 --> 00:24:49,605
Look at the colour o' my hair
there, eh?

572
00:24:49,605 --> 00:24:52,085
Look at the lassies.

573
00:24:52,085 --> 00:24:53,765
I miss my Jean, you know.

574
00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:56,685
TEARFULLY: I miss my Betty.

575
00:24:58,565 --> 00:25:00,605
SOBS

576
00:25:00,605 --> 00:25:02,684
BOTH SOB

577
00:25:06,565 --> 00:25:07,805
SOBBING CONTINUES

578
00:25:07,805 --> 00:25:09,485
Those poor men.

579
00:25:14,404 --> 00:25:15,924
I need to share this.

580
00:25:17,244 --> 00:25:19,484
CHATTER

581
00:25:19,484 --> 00:25:21,804
Eh, ladies and gentlemen,
a bit of quiet, please.

582
00:25:21,805 --> 00:25:24,005
A bit of hush. Thank you.

583
00:25:24,005 --> 00:25:25,325
Uh...

584
00:25:25,325 --> 00:25:26,805
Here he is,

585
00:25:26,805 --> 00:25:30,245
to open our newly refurbished
community centre,

586
00:25:30,244 --> 00:25:31,764
the one and only

587
00:25:31,765 --> 00:25:33,564
Scotland's Angry Grandpa!

588
00:25:35,644 --> 00:25:37,045
Hey-hey-hey!

589
00:25:38,884 --> 00:25:40,884
How are yous?

590
00:25:48,525 --> 00:25:50,085
It's good to be here!

591
00:25:50,085 --> 00:25:51,525
Stinking!

592
00:25:54,884 --> 00:25:56,845
Shut it, tadger...?

593
00:25:56,845 --> 00:25:57,884
That's ancient patter!

594
00:25:57,884 --> 00:26:00,285
My da's into that shite!

595
00:26:00,285 --> 00:26:02,365
Eh... Eh...

596
00:26:05,045 --> 00:26:06,525
That's the ticket!

597
00:26:06,525 --> 00:26:08,045
- Naw!
- Patter thief!

598
00:26:08,045 --> 00:26:09,845
Patter blagger, ye old shagger!

599
00:26:09,845 --> 00:26:13,444
ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Get off of the
stage, you fat bastard!

600
00:26:14,763 --> 00:26:16,163
This boy's got no new patter!

601
00:26:16,164 --> 00:26:17,605
Why are we even here?

602
00:26:17,605 --> 00:26:20,644
Wait a minute, eh, I've got it!

603
00:26:20,644 --> 00:26:22,644
I've got it. Eh, everybody
shush the now.

604
00:26:22,644 --> 00:26:24,045
Eh...

605
00:26:24,045 --> 00:26:27,205
Clock these scissors, they're
no' blunt.

606
00:26:27,204 --> 00:26:29,964
It's not "shut it, tadger",

607
00:26:29,964 --> 00:26:31,603
it's "shut up..."

608
00:26:31,604 --> 00:26:33,403
BANG!

609
00:26:40,884 --> 00:26:41,924
How...?

610
00:26:46,125 --> 00:26:47,325
Victor.

611
00:26:47,325 --> 00:26:48,443
Victor.

612
00:26:50,285 --> 00:26:51,525
Victor.

613
00:26:51,525 --> 00:26:52,725
GASPS

614
00:26:54,045 --> 00:26:55,765
Oh, my heid.

615
00:26:56,805 --> 00:26:58,485
I thought you were away there.

616
00:26:58,484 --> 00:27:00,044
SIGHS

617
00:27:00,045 --> 00:27:04,285
Probable cause of death - sesh.

618
00:27:04,285 --> 00:27:05,605
LAUGHS

619
00:27:05,605 --> 00:27:07,005
FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE
Oh.

620
00:27:13,444 --> 00:27:14,484
Hello.

621
00:27:18,285 --> 00:27:20,765
No, I'm not interested. Goodbye.

622
00:27:22,644 --> 00:27:23,724
SIGHS

623
00:27:23,724 --> 00:27:24,764
Who's phoning you?

624
00:27:25,924 --> 00:27:27,044
CNN.

625
00:27:28,684 --> 00:27:31,565
That's you, boys. You've made it.

626
00:27:31,565 --> 00:27:33,644
Ten million hits.

627
00:27:36,365 --> 00:27:38,444
BOTH SOB

628
00:27:43,765 --> 00:27:46,165
BOTH WAIL

629
00:28:11,525 --> 00:28:13,485
MUSIC: Gangnam Style
by PSY

630
00:28:20,724 --> 00:28:23,324
Oompa loompa Craiglang style!

631
00:28:24,684 --> 00:28:25,764
Are we done?

632
00:28:25,765 --> 00:28:28,085
We are most definitely done.