ALL LAUGH
What's going on here?
This is magic. Wait till you see this.
Right, come on. Do me.
6'1". 14st on the button.
42 chest. 11 in a shoe.
CHUCKLES: That's me fitted for my coffin. The old wooden overcoat.
No measuring tape. No nothing.
And I've to get a cheaper coffin, cos I'm that wee bit wee-er.
Do Meena now.
This'll be the most expensive coffin in Craiglang, huh?
They'll need eight wrestlers to carry it!
SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
Aww.
Actually, Mrs Drennan, it was you I came in to see.
Oh, no, no. Oh, I don't want to play your deid-body coffin game.
No, no, I just want to see
if I could get you to come in and do a bit of cleaning.
Ooh. Cleaning down dead bodies in preparation for the afterlife.
Because the big man upstairs
does not like to receive a dirty body.
SNIFFS: "Ooh, down to hell, you dirty, stinky, manky corpse!"
"We cannae have you honkin' the place out! Get back down the escalator!"
Gentlemen, please.
Just after I close, come in and do a bit of dusting, polishing.
Cash, of course.
Oh, yes, Mr Sheathing.
Lovely. Deal!
Oh! Oh!
Deal!
LAUGHTER
He's a right good laugh, this fella, isn't he?
You always get hit wi' a good bit of patter when you go in.
Aye, I'll give him that - he's funny.
Have you no' got your own magazine to read?
There's a Pokenose Monthly lying over there.
Oh, sorry, son. It looks good, but, doesn't it?
What does? Water-skiing.
Are you thinking of taking it up?
Oh, let's see.
76, red face, pot belly, one leg,
and it's difficult to hold a pint when you're on it,
so it'll no' be this year. So, you've only got the one leg?
Still, you shouldnae let that hold you back.
I've seen boys on the telly doing it one leg.
Spinning, tricks and that, you know.
Mono-boarding, they call it.
You're mono-boring me. I'm no' interested.
Oh, sorry, son. I cannae help myself.
There's all sorts wrong wi' me. I take tablets for everything.
I take 24 tablets in the morning
and then 36 tablets at various times throughout the day.
Listen here, you old prick!
It'll be a bit tickly and mad itchy, but it's healing up.
I don't mind a wee bit of tickly, Doctor.
Stop that now!
Mr Ingram.
Oh, look who it is - Lennon and McCartney.
We'll boot you right in the Ringo Starrfish.
Two pints, you Pete Best prick!
No Tam, no Winston?
Was Winston no' up at the doctor's?
Was he? What's wrong with him?
I don't know. A suspected burst coupon.
Goldie, please, Boabby. What happened there?
I'm gonnae throw this in the skip behind Navid's.
Cat's jumped up and knocked it down.
Destroyed. Bastard.
Cash.
See, the thing is, my Frances, she's distraught.
Sorry to hear that. Money for the goldie.
Aye, she's gonnae miss her
programmes - EastEnders, The Cakey Bake Off...
...Blue Planet.
Oh, she loves the dolphins!
She's dolphin daft.
And the porpoises
and the mollus...molluskerus.
Shellfish.
She's heartbroken, Boabby. It's hard to watch.
Bit like this telly.
Right.
Do you know what else she likes to watch?
Would I Lie To You?.
I'm no' taking this to the skip. I've just taken it out the skip.
It's the same make as my own.
Take it up the road, I lie it flat down on the carpet,
call the insurance - 400 quid, boom!
I just hope the insurance guy's as gullible a wanker as you, Boabby.
OK, Tam, that's it.
I'm no' responsible for what's about to happen.
As much as it pains me,
what with only having six regular customers,
the time has come.
Does Frances watch The Apprentice?
Cos you're barred.
Do you no' mean "fired"?
Aye. Er, no, barred, you miserable bastard.
Oh, that was good!
You were having a right good carry-on wi' her, Doctor.
Aye, aye, she's a scream. Nothing gets her down.
All my patients are a good laugh.
There's not a day I don't love coming in here.
Ho-ho! What a hoot you get.
Now, your other leg's going to have to come off.
Aye, good. Good one. You're murder, you.
It's true.
ISA: Oh, Isa, hen, what have you done?
"Cash, of course."
"Oh, yes, Mr Sheathing. Lovely."
Right, enough!
BANGING
Oh! Oh!
SCREAMS: Oh! Oh!
GROANS
HOOVER STARTS
HOOVER STOPS
OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC
Oh! Oh!
MUSIC STOPS
Cleaning a funeral home, by Christ!
It's my knickers that'll need
cleaning by the time I get up the road.
Ah, Winston, I'm sorry.
Cup of tea? No, you sit down.
I'll make a cup of tea. Plenty of time for sitting down.
I'll be sitting down for the rest of my bastardin' life.
So, what did they say?
WINSTON SIGHS
I stopped listening after "gangrene".
He'd been sending me these letters every fortnight for the last
three months, and I just ignored them.
Was that wise? No, Jack. It was the opposite of wise.
It was wise-less.
And there's nothing they can do?
The amputation policy is to catch it early.
Toe before foot. Foot before leg.
If I'd left those letters any
longer, it would have been leg before arsehole,
arsehole before tits, tits before heid, heid before coffin,
so I'm lucky, really.
No way round about it?
No' unless you're a millionaire and you can get to Switzerland.
Unless you're John Paul Getty. Did he have rotten legs?
That's right. He had a nickname.
"John Paul Getty, legs like spaghetti." He was a millionaire!
Oh, aye. Sorry.
Right, we promise you this -
there'll be no more jokes
about Hopalong Cassidy,
or stumpin' up for a drink,
or My Left Foot,
or Long John Silver,
or don't step on my blue suede shoe...
That's plenty, Jack. Oh.
Listen, I knew this day was coming,
but I can take anything that life throws at me.
I'm still Winston, and I can still take a joke.
I'm no' gonnae be a victim.
So, I want you to keep 'em coming.
Right. We hear you.
What are yous up to the day?
Nothing. We're just, erm... Ooh.
Ah, now, see? That's what I'm talking about.
None of that pish. Get it said.
Well, we're no' up to anything. We're just...arseing about.
Arseing about. Funny.
ALL CHUCKLE
Very good.
Right, I'll see yous later on.
Aye.
Funny.
Jack. Victor.
Hello, Navid.
Hello, Tam. Jack. Victor.
Erm, have you heard about Winston?
Aye, I did indeed.
Rotten business. You know an' all?
Gentlemen, sometimes I think that you wilfully forget who's in my employ.
Isa?
My pal Christine's the receptionist at the surgery.
While Winston was in the waiting room, she'd called me to tell me.
So, not only do I know, but I knew before the information
had crossed the desk and hit Winston.
Terrible business.
Here's the thing, Navid. Here's our dilemma.
He disnae want us to treat him any differently.
And rightly so. Your relationship is born out of banter,
badinage...persiflage, if you will.
You fling insults at one another like monkeys flinging shite at the zoo,
and if you stop that, he'll...not have shite on him,
and he disnae want that because...
Och, you know what I mean.
Aye, we get what you're saying,
but we're just gonnae have to band together
and try and make his life a bit easier. Agreed.
We're gonnae speak to Boabby about us building a ramp at The Clansman.
BOTH LAUGH Mocked by the beads.
Shut up, Meena.
That's a great idea. I might build a ramp.
You don't need one. You're on the level. No, for Meena. A ramp into the van.
It would help get the bastard into it.
Hey, where are you off to, boys? Clansman.
Oh, no, no, stay here a bit longer. We'll have a catch-up.
So, there's nothing can be done to save his leg, no?
No' without a tonne of money and, well, Winston's no' got two bob, has he?
What the hell are you doing?
I was gonnae pay for them! Get out! You're barred!
CREAKING
MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES
ISA SCREAMS
Oh! Oh!
So, Boabby, are we going to get a green light on this ramp, or what?
Let me phone somebody. I don't think you know what you're doing.
Why don't you stick to pulling pints, and we'll stick with the proper graft?
Ha! That's a laugh - proper graft.
Try doing a late-night shift at that creepy bastard's parlour.
Oh, Isa, please. See, it's all in the planning.
This here is a shoring mould.
It's called shoring, Boabby.
I know all about shoring. Well, what is it, then?
Well, after a day's sailing, a boat comes in and goes,
"Right, there's the shore."
And the boat comes in to...the shore and goes up...the ramp.
We're no' talking about the Royal Yacht Britannica, Boabby.
It's for a wheelchair.
Britannia, Jack.
Eh? What did I say? "Britannica".
You just described a floating encyclopaedia.
How much is this gonnae cost?
Jack?
Eh? Oh, erm, not a curdy.
No, they're building a new block of flats at the bottom of the road as we speak.
Now, myself, Victor and Shug will saunter down there
and explain to the foreman our friend's situation
and that will appeal to his charitable side.
ALL LAUGH
Free cement? Listen to these old roasters!
Get to f...
400.
Oh, Jesus! Naw.
Och, all right, fine. It's for a good cause.
THEY CELEBRATE QUIETLY
Erm, can we get three pints, Boabby?
It's thirsty work thinking about building ramps.
Fine. Then get to work.
Tam. Isa.
Where are you headed? Nowhere.
Cannae go into The Clansman. Cannae go into Navid's.
I've been walking about Craiglang like a bastardin' security guard.
Even caught myself swinging my house keys earlier, like this.
Aye, must be nice, that - walking about,
on your legs,
which is more than Winston'll be doing in a few weeks.
I'm no' avoiding him, Isa.
In fact, I was gonnae drop by and see him
once I'd stopped walking about...aimlessly.
Aye. Well, why don't you take a walk up tae the bookie's and get barred fae there?
Or take a walk up to the park and maybe get barred fae there?
Or take a walk up and see your bloody pal?
OK! I'll admit it - it's awkward.
I mean, what do you say?
If he's gonnae talk honestly to anybody, it's gonnae be to you.
He disnae want sympathy.
He needs his best pal.
You go up and just be yourself.
No kid gloves. Just be Tam.
Thanks, Isa.
Tam. What?
Winston's house is up there.
Aye, of course it is. That way.
ISA: Just be yourself. Just be Tam.
Well, I suppose, on the up side, your invalidity benefit's gonnae jump up.
I'm no' gonnae be doing any jumping up, am I?
No. Sorry.
Here, I could teach you chess
and we could go down to the park on a Sunday
and fleece those daft old bastards that play. We'd make a fortune.
So, you're saying to me that this wheelchair
is gonnae give me an opportunity to make money?
I'm no' gonnae need a fortune then.
I'm gonnae need a fortune now to get a specialist to save my leg.
Right, OK, I was thinking -
remember that pair of lovely brogues you bought last year?
Yes.
Can I get them? You'll no' be needing them.
Out, you lousy bastard!
I'm just being myself. That's what Isa told me to be!
You've got a black heart! Away and be yourself somewhere else!
Get out!
Isa, look at that. Proper graft.
Planned to perfection and expertly executed.
Run along, Isa.
Run along now, and tell everybody what you have seen here today.
Tam! Yes, Winston?
I don't wish you the health to wear them, you rat's arse!
Ow! You and I are finished!
Tea - the workers' reward. There you are.
There you go. Oh, lovely, lovely.
Thank you. I'll tell you something else, boys.
See that ramp? That ramp's gonnae be there long after we're gone.
People are gonnae walk by here in years to come and they're gonnae say,
"Who forged this?"
And the answer will be, "They say that three men came
"and gave of their time selflessly and tirelessly
"for the benefit of a dear friend."
Yes, and that there, boys, will be our legacy,
which nobody can befoul.
Oh, you little bastard! You wee cheeky...!
WHIMPERS
LOCK RATTLES
Oh, by Christ!
Whoever you are, you can bugger off!
I'm team-handed in here, and one of them's my mate Peggy.
You might have seen her about. She's built like a brick shit-house!
SHRIEKS
Open the door, Mrs Drennan. Oh!
Oh, you big, lanky streak of creepy piss. What you doing to me?
That's the last straw, Mr Sheathing. Here, I quit.
If I stay here any longer, the next person you'll be burying is me!
Not quite.
I think you'd better sit down.
Must be a lot to lose your legs.
Oh, no!
I've got to be honest with you, boys.
I thought you were going to make a total arse of it.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh!
I didnae think you had it in yous.
Oh! Oh!
Waaah!
Oh, no! Oh!
I thought the whole thing was gonnae fall flat on its face.
Oh, no!
Well, Boabby, when you're quite finished blowing smoke up our arses,
is there any chance we can get three more pints to throw down our necks?
Fine.
Tam's died.
Well, I've been up to see Frances,
and frankly, I couldnae get much out of her.
That's a first.
What were you expecting? The Gettysburg Address?
What I meant was, she was in an awful strange mood.
Course she was in a strange mood, Isa. Her man's just died.
She'll be in shock, Isa. Nothing strange about that.
Well, I think one of yous should go up.
Well, I cannae go up. I barred him. What am I gonnae say?
"Oh, I'm so sorry about Tam, Frances,
"but look on the bright side - he's no longer barred from my shop."
BOABBY: Well, I'm in the same boat.
"Sorry about your loss, Frances.
"You're in my thoughts, hen,
"as is the tab he run up over 30 year."
Look, I know it should be me that goes up,
being as his best pal and all, but what am I gonnae say?
"Frances, I feel terrible about this,
"but I'm just happy it was a heart attack he died of
"and no' a brain haemorrhage,
"after I bounced those Clarks brogues off his heid"?
BOTH: Jesus.
Hello, boys.
Hello, Frances.
We thought we'd just come round and just check to see everything was all right.
Just wanted to see if there was anything we could do for ye.
No. Mr Sheathing's taking care of everything.
He's even going to speak, cos I'm too upset.
Right.
Is that a problem?
Well, it's just that Mr Sheathing didnae really know Tam, did he?
Not like all of us.
OK, then. You two can speak at his funeral.
How did we get saddled with this?
Oh, well, let me remind you.
You said, "Sheathing didnae really know him."
Well, let me remind you. You said, "Not like all of us."
Wanker. Call me a wanker, you wanker!
Aye, well, we're a couple of wankers, aren't we? Tam...
That's us dropping like flies now.
Christ, Jack, I'm really gonnae miss him.
Aye, me too.
Well, we're just gonnae have to come up with a few fitting words
to send him on his way.
"Dearly beloved..."
Oh, you cannae start with that, Jack. We're no' priests or ministers.
We're his pals! I mean, what do we know about Tam?
What do we know? What do we know?
He was a miserable bastard.
"Miserable...bastard."
He used to love to con Boabby out a pint.
Aye, he did indeed. Aye. That was always funny.
Is that no' the same as "miserable bastard"?
Aye.
Got it.
"Although he loved Frances, he never took her any holidays,
"nor did he buy her any gifts for her Christmas or her birthday."
Again, I refer to our earlier statement that he was a miserable bastard.
Jesus, this is much more difficult than I thought it was gonnae be.
I think we're making this tougher than it needs to be, you know.
All we need to do is speak from the heart in a sort of freeform sense, you know.
What, like jazz? Exactly like jazz.
Like...
# Bee-bop ba-doo-ba-doo-doo-doo, Tam
# Boo-bop, ba-doo-ba-da-doo Miserable bastard
♪ Miserable bastard. ♪
Well...
STUTTERS: ...it's a smashin' day for it.
Victor?
Just you go on the now, Jack.
Er, well, what can we...?
What can we say about Tam?
He was a man that we knew for a lot of years.
Er, he was just always there.
People would say, "Tam, Tam, Tam, Tam, he was some man."
He was... He was tight...
...er, with the rest of us. We were a tight group.
Miserable...that we all are now that he's gone.
Jack, Victor, a valiant effort,
but on the whole, piss-poor.
Allow me.
Tam...was a miserable git.
He was never happier than when he was trying to con you out of something.
A fiver. A pint. A loaf.
A fridge-freezer. A space hopper. Och, anything.
And he was always coming up wi' some sob story
to make you part wi' your money.
But that got on most people's tits, including mine.
And so, the last time I saw him, we fell out.
But if I'm being honest with myself, it made me laugh -
the barefaced cheek of the man.
CHUCKLING
And I think Tam knew that.
And I think that's why he did it - to gie us all a laugh.
I mean, if we're no' here for a bastardin' laugh, what are we here for?
LAUGHTER
Well said, Winston.
Right, who wants a drink?
On me. For Tam.
His final freebie.
A pint o' snakebite, Boabby.
Two orange juice.
This is grim, isn't it? Mm.
Come on.
You all right?
I'm about to get my leg hacked off in five weeks.
They should have just threw me down that hole along wi' Tam this afternoon.
CLEARS HIS THROAT: We're gonnae have a wee word wi' Frances.
Boys, boys, she's no' for talking to anybody.
Fair do's.
Isa, I'm starving. Nae purvey? Nae buffet?
It's in there.
Er, lovely...spread, Frances.
Don't give me that.
Tam telt me years ago that's what he wanted at his funeral.
He was very specific about it.
To Tam.
Tam. ALL: Tam.
To Tam.
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
Hey, you all right? Eh? Aye.
CLEARS HIS THROAT
You just left a bit quick.
Aye. I just wanted to get out and get a bit of fresh air, you know.
Stretch my leg while I've still got it.
Listen, erm...
Och, nothing. Never mind. Is that the ramp?
Oh, there's still work to be done to that. It's no' finished, no.
Well, let's get a look at it. Naw, naw, naw. No' now.
We were interrupted with all that bad news and that, you know?
Best to wait and see it when it's done. I want to see it.
WINSTON LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
Thanks for that, boys. I needed that.