1 00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:30,330 ALL LAUGH 2 00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:32,660 What's going on here? 3 00:00:32,660 --> 00:00:34,860 This is magic. Wait till you see this. 4 00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,540 Right, come on. Do me. 5 00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:40,460 6'1". 14st on the button. 6 00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:43,580 42 chest. 11 in a shoe. 7 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:48,220 CHUCKLES: That's me fitted for my coffin. The old wooden overcoat. 8 00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:50,190 No measuring tape. No nothing. 9 00:00:50,190 --> 00:00:53,350 And I've to get a cheaper coffin, cos I'm that wee bit wee-er. 10 00:00:53,350 --> 00:00:55,710 Do Meena now. 11 00:00:55,710 --> 00:00:58,350 This'll be the most expensive coffin in Craiglang, huh? 12 00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:00,510 They'll need eight wrestlers to carry it! 13 00:01:00,510 --> 00:01:02,590 SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE 14 00:01:02,590 --> 00:01:03,910 Aww. 15 00:01:05,710 --> 00:01:09,230 Actually, Mrs Drennan, it was you I came in to see. 16 00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:13,400 Oh, no, no. Oh, I don't want to play your deid-body coffin game. 17 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:14,880 No, no, I just want to see 18 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,040 if I could get you to come in and do a bit of cleaning. 19 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:22,560 Ooh. Cleaning down dead bodies in preparation for the afterlife. 20 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,840 Because the big man upstairs 21 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,640 does not like to receive a dirty body. 22 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:33,800 SNIFFS: "Ooh, down to hell, you dirty, stinky, manky corpse!" 23 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:38,610 "We cannae have you honkin' the place out! Get back down the escalator!" 24 00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:40,850 Gentlemen, please. 25 00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:44,690 Just after I close, come in and do a bit of dusting, polishing. 26 00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,330 Cash, of course. 27 00:01:47,770 --> 00:01:50,530 Oh, yes, Mr Sheathing. 28 00:01:50,530 --> 00:01:52,850 Lovely. Deal! 29 00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:54,610 Oh! Oh! 30 00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:57,530 Deal! 31 00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:07,100 LAUGHTER 32 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:10,140 He's a right good laugh, this fella, isn't he? 33 00:02:10,140 --> 00:02:13,620 You always get hit wi' a good bit of patter when you go in. 34 00:02:13,620 --> 00:02:16,140 Aye, I'll give him that - he's funny. 35 00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:20,780 Have you no' got your own magazine to read? 36 00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:23,140 There's a Pokenose Monthly lying over there. 37 00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:26,620 Oh, sorry, son. It looks good, but, doesn't it? 38 00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:28,590 What does? Water-skiing. 39 00:02:28,590 --> 00:02:30,510 Are you thinking of taking it up? 40 00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:32,150 Oh, let's see. 41 00:02:32,150 --> 00:02:36,310 76, red face, pot belly, one leg, 42 00:02:36,310 --> 00:02:38,630 and it's difficult to hold a pint when you're on it, 43 00:02:38,630 --> 00:02:41,830 so it'll no' be this year. So, you've only got the one leg? 44 00:02:41,830 --> 00:02:43,790 Still, you shouldnae let that hold you back. 45 00:02:43,790 --> 00:02:45,990 I've seen boys on the telly doing it one leg. 46 00:02:45,990 --> 00:02:48,590 Spinning, tricks and that, you know. 47 00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:50,720 Mono-boarding, they call it. 48 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,960 You're mono-boring me. I'm no' interested. 49 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,960 Oh, sorry, son. I cannae help myself. 50 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:58,920 There's all sorts wrong wi' me. I take tablets for everything. 51 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:03,040 I take 24 tablets in the morning 52 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,560 and then 36 tablets at various times throughout the day. 53 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,240 Listen here, you old prick! 54 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:11,960 It'll be a bit tickly and mad itchy, but it's healing up. 55 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,680 I don't mind a wee bit of tickly, Doctor. 56 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,040 Stop that now! 57 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,210 Mr Ingram. 58 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,130 Oh, look who it is - Lennon and McCartney. 59 00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:30,250 We'll boot you right in the Ringo Starrfish. 60 00:03:30,250 --> 00:03:33,210 Two pints, you Pete Best prick! 61 00:03:34,970 --> 00:03:36,570 No Tam, no Winston? 62 00:03:36,570 --> 00:03:38,450 Was Winston no' up at the doctor's? 63 00:03:38,450 --> 00:03:40,210 Was he? What's wrong with him? 64 00:03:40,210 --> 00:03:44,580 I don't know. A suspected burst coupon. 65 00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:50,340 Goldie, please, Boabby. What happened there? 66 00:03:50,340 --> 00:03:52,660 I'm gonnae throw this in the skip behind Navid's. 67 00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:54,620 Cat's jumped up and knocked it down. 68 00:03:54,620 --> 00:03:57,420 Destroyed. Bastard. 69 00:04:06,150 --> 00:04:08,310 Cash. 70 00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:12,550 See, the thing is, my Frances, she's distraught. 71 00:04:12,550 --> 00:04:16,910 Sorry to hear that. Money for the goldie. 72 00:04:16,910 --> 00:04:18,710 Aye, she's gonnae miss her 73 00:04:18,710 --> 00:04:21,950 programmes - EastEnders, The Cakey Bake Off... 74 00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,150 ...Blue Planet. 75 00:04:25,150 --> 00:04:27,510 Oh, she loves the dolphins! 76 00:04:27,510 --> 00:04:29,630 She's dolphin daft. 77 00:04:29,630 --> 00:04:31,750 And the porpoises 78 00:04:31,750 --> 00:04:34,800 and the mollus...molluskerus. 79 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:35,960 Shellfish. 80 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,120 She's heartbroken, Boabby. It's hard to watch. 81 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,360 Bit like this telly. 82 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,040 Right. 83 00:04:58,530 --> 00:05:00,890 Do you know what else she likes to watch? 84 00:05:00,890 --> 00:05:02,290 Would I Lie To You?. 85 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:08,170 I'm no' taking this to the skip. I've just taken it out the skip. 86 00:05:08,170 --> 00:05:09,810 It's the same make as my own. 87 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,010 Take it up the road, I lie it flat down on the carpet, 88 00:05:13,010 --> 00:05:15,970 call the insurance - 400 quid, boom! 89 00:05:18,770 --> 00:05:21,810 I just hope the insurance guy's as gullible a wanker as you, Boabby. 90 00:05:21,810 --> 00:05:25,060 OK, Tam, that's it. 91 00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:27,540 I'm no' responsible for what's about to happen. 92 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:28,860 As much as it pains me, 93 00:05:28,860 --> 00:05:31,700 what with only having six regular customers, 94 00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:34,140 the time has come. 95 00:05:34,140 --> 00:05:37,540 Does Frances watch The Apprentice? 96 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:38,860 Cos you're barred. 97 00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:41,900 Do you no' mean "fired"? 98 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:47,230 Aye. Er, no, barred, you miserable bastard. 99 00:05:54,150 --> 00:05:55,910 Oh, that was good! 100 00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:59,030 You were having a right good carry-on wi' her, Doctor. 101 00:05:59,030 --> 00:06:01,990 Aye, aye, she's a scream. Nothing gets her down. 102 00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:05,310 All my patients are a good laugh. 103 00:06:05,310 --> 00:06:07,550 There's not a day I don't love coming in here. 104 00:06:07,550 --> 00:06:09,920 Ho-ho! What a hoot you get. 105 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:15,040 Now, your other leg's going to have to come off. 106 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:20,440 Aye, good. Good one. You're murder, you. 107 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,080 It's true. 108 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,400 ISA: Oh, Isa, hen, what have you done? 109 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,400 "Cash, of course." 110 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,360 "Oh, yes, Mr Sheathing. Lovely." 111 00:06:39,210 --> 00:06:41,410 Right, enough! 112 00:06:43,050 --> 00:06:45,690 BANGING 113 00:06:48,810 --> 00:06:51,450 Oh! Oh! 114 00:07:03,060 --> 00:07:07,940 SCREAMS: Oh! Oh! 115 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:11,140 GROANS 116 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:19,820 HOOVER STARTS 117 00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:21,140 HOOVER STOPS 118 00:07:29,430 --> 00:07:32,270 OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC 119 00:07:32,270 --> 00:07:35,030 Oh! Oh! 120 00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,230 MUSIC STOPS 121 00:07:40,190 --> 00:07:43,590 Cleaning a funeral home, by Christ! 122 00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:45,270 It's my knickers that'll need 123 00:07:45,270 --> 00:07:47,270 cleaning by the time I get up the road. 124 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,440 Ah, Winston, I'm sorry. 125 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,040 Cup of tea? No, you sit down. 126 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,480 I'll make a cup of tea. Plenty of time for sitting down. 127 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,080 I'll be sitting down for the rest of my bastardin' life. 128 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,840 So, what did they say? 129 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,080 WINSTON SIGHS 130 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,160 I stopped listening after "gangrene". 131 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,960 He'd been sending me these letters every fortnight for the last 132 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,120 three months, and I just ignored them. 133 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:17,330 Was that wise? No, Jack. It was the opposite of wise. 134 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,170 It was wise-less. 135 00:08:19,170 --> 00:08:21,610 And there's nothing they can do? 136 00:08:21,610 --> 00:08:25,810 The amputation policy is to catch it early. 137 00:08:25,810 --> 00:08:28,250 Toe before foot. Foot before leg. 138 00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:30,050 If I'd left those letters any 139 00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:32,970 longer, it would have been leg before arsehole, 140 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:38,050 arsehole before tits, tits before heid, heid before coffin, 141 00:08:38,050 --> 00:08:40,300 so I'm lucky, really. 142 00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:41,540 No way round about it? 143 00:08:41,540 --> 00:08:44,900 No' unless you're a millionaire and you can get to Switzerland. 144 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:48,460 Unless you're John Paul Getty. Did he have rotten legs? 145 00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:51,700 That's right. He had a nickname. 146 00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:54,780 "John Paul Getty, legs like spaghetti." He was a millionaire! 147 00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:56,540 Oh, aye. Sorry. 148 00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:58,540 Right, we promise you this - 149 00:08:58,540 --> 00:09:00,420 there'll be no more jokes 150 00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:02,180 about Hopalong Cassidy, 151 00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:04,430 or stumpin' up for a drink, 152 00:09:04,430 --> 00:09:06,510 or My Left Foot, 153 00:09:06,510 --> 00:09:08,790 or Long John Silver, 154 00:09:08,790 --> 00:09:11,150 or don't step on my blue suede shoe... 155 00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,830 That's plenty, Jack. Oh. 156 00:09:13,830 --> 00:09:17,630 Listen, I knew this day was coming, 157 00:09:17,630 --> 00:09:21,190 but I can take anything that life throws at me. 158 00:09:21,190 --> 00:09:25,150 I'm still Winston, and I can still take a joke. 159 00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:26,830 I'm no' gonnae be a victim. 160 00:09:28,030 --> 00:09:30,840 So, I want you to keep 'em coming. 161 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,760 Right. We hear you. 162 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,360 What are yous up to the day? 163 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,400 Nothing. We're just, erm... Ooh. 164 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,760 Ah, now, see? That's what I'm talking about. 165 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,280 None of that pish. Get it said. 166 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:48,320 Well, we're no' up to anything. We're just...arseing about. 167 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,000 Arseing about. Funny. 168 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,080 ALL CHUCKLE 169 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,570 Very good. 170 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,170 Right, I'll see yous later on. 171 00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:05,850 Aye. 172 00:10:07,450 --> 00:10:08,690 Funny. 173 00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:11,650 Jack. Victor. 174 00:10:11,650 --> 00:10:13,170 Hello, Navid. 175 00:10:14,290 --> 00:10:16,170 Hello, Tam. Jack. Victor. 176 00:10:16,170 --> 00:10:18,010 Erm, have you heard about Winston? 177 00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:19,690 Aye, I did indeed. 178 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,260 Rotten business. You know an' all? 179 00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:25,740 Gentlemen, sometimes I think that you wilfully forget who's in my employ. 180 00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:27,140 Isa? 181 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:31,500 My pal Christine's the receptionist at the surgery. 182 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:36,020 While Winston was in the waiting room, she'd called me to tell me. 183 00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:39,180 So, not only do I know, but I knew before the information 184 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,460 had crossed the desk and hit Winston. 185 00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:46,420 Terrible business. 186 00:10:46,430 --> 00:10:49,470 Here's the thing, Navid. Here's our dilemma. 187 00:10:49,470 --> 00:10:52,070 He disnae want us to treat him any differently. 188 00:10:52,070 --> 00:10:55,870 And rightly so. Your relationship is born out of banter, 189 00:10:55,870 --> 00:10:58,710 badinage...persiflage, if you will. 190 00:10:58,710 --> 00:11:03,150 You fling insults at one another like monkeys flinging shite at the zoo, 191 00:11:03,150 --> 00:11:08,240 and if you stop that, he'll...not have shite on him, 192 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,280 and he disnae want that because... 193 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,760 Och, you know what I mean. 194 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,320 Aye, we get what you're saying, 195 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,160 but we're just gonnae have to band together 196 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,000 and try and make his life a bit easier. Agreed. 197 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,480 We're gonnae speak to Boabby about us building a ramp at The Clansman. 198 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,120 BOTH LAUGH Mocked by the beads. 199 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,840 Shut up, Meena. 200 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:32,080 That's a great idea. I might build a ramp. 201 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:36,250 You don't need one. You're on the level. No, for Meena. A ramp into the van. 202 00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:38,490 It would help get the bastard into it. 203 00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:45,250 Hey, where are you off to, boys? Clansman. 204 00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:49,930 Oh, no, no, stay here a bit longer. We'll have a catch-up. 205 00:11:52,610 --> 00:11:56,010 So, there's nothing can be done to save his leg, no? 206 00:11:56,010 --> 00:11:59,860 No' without a tonne of money and, well, Winston's no' got two bob, has he? 207 00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:01,380 What the hell are you doing? 208 00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:04,260 I was gonnae pay for them! Get out! You're barred! 209 00:12:11,220 --> 00:12:12,860 CREAKING 210 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:22,710 MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES 211 00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,430 ISA SCREAMS 212 00:12:30,430 --> 00:12:33,190 Oh! Oh! 213 00:12:36,830 --> 00:12:40,510 So, Boabby, are we going to get a green light on this ramp, or what? 214 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:43,790 Let me phone somebody. I don't think you know what you're doing. 215 00:12:43,790 --> 00:12:49,120 Why don't you stick to pulling pints, and we'll stick with the proper graft? 216 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,720 Ha! That's a laugh - proper graft. 217 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,840 Try doing a late-night shift at that creepy bastard's parlour. 218 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,320 Oh, Isa, please. See, it's all in the planning. 219 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,600 This here is a shoring mould. 220 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,440 It's called shoring, Boabby. 221 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,640 I know all about shoring. Well, what is it, then? 222 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,810 Well, after a day's sailing, a boat comes in and goes, 223 00:13:12,810 --> 00:13:15,210 "Right, there's the shore." 224 00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:21,850 And the boat comes in to...the shore and goes up...the ramp. 225 00:13:21,850 --> 00:13:24,570 We're no' talking about the Royal Yacht Britannica, Boabby. 226 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:25,770 It's for a wheelchair. 227 00:13:25,770 --> 00:13:27,090 Britannia, Jack. 228 00:13:27,090 --> 00:13:29,450 Eh? What did I say? "Britannica". 229 00:13:29,450 --> 00:13:33,010 You just described a floating encyclopaedia. 230 00:13:33,010 --> 00:13:35,930 How much is this gonnae cost? 231 00:13:35,930 --> 00:13:37,370 Jack? 232 00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:39,860 Eh? Oh, erm, not a curdy. 233 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:43,580 No, they're building a new block of flats at the bottom of the road as we speak. 234 00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:46,100 Now, myself, Victor and Shug will saunter down there 235 00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,380 and explain to the foreman our friend's situation 236 00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:52,780 and that will appeal to his charitable side. 237 00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:55,620 ALL LAUGH 238 00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:58,060 Free cement? Listen to these old roasters! 239 00:13:58,060 --> 00:13:59,220 Get to f... 240 00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:00,580 400. 241 00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:02,140 Oh, Jesus! Naw. 242 00:14:03,580 --> 00:14:07,310 Och, all right, fine. It's for a good cause. 243 00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:09,510 THEY CELEBRATE QUIETLY 244 00:14:09,510 --> 00:14:12,070 Erm, can we get three pints, Boabby? 245 00:14:12,070 --> 00:14:14,790 It's thirsty work thinking about building ramps. 246 00:14:14,790 --> 00:14:17,750 Fine. Then get to work. 247 00:14:21,670 --> 00:14:24,590 Tam. Isa. 248 00:14:24,590 --> 00:14:27,390 Where are you headed? Nowhere. 249 00:14:27,390 --> 00:14:30,000 Cannae go into The Clansman. Cannae go into Navid's. 250 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,000 I've been walking about Craiglang like a bastardin' security guard. 251 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:38,000 Even caught myself swinging my house keys earlier, like this. 252 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,960 Aye, must be nice, that - walking about, 253 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,320 on your legs, 254 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,800 which is more than Winston'll be doing in a few weeks. 255 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,720 I'm no' avoiding him, Isa. 256 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,000 In fact, I was gonnae drop by and see him 257 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,610 once I'd stopped walking about...aimlessly. 258 00:14:54,610 --> 00:14:58,770 Aye. Well, why don't you take a walk up tae the bookie's and get barred fae there? 259 00:14:58,770 --> 00:15:01,890 Or take a walk up to the park and maybe get barred fae there? 260 00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:04,250 Or take a walk up and see your bloody pal? 261 00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:09,690 OK! I'll admit it - it's awkward. 262 00:15:09,690 --> 00:15:11,290 I mean, what do you say? 263 00:15:11,290 --> 00:15:14,570 If he's gonnae talk honestly to anybody, it's gonnae be to you. 264 00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:17,410 He disnae want sympathy. 265 00:15:17,410 --> 00:15:19,860 He needs his best pal. 266 00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:23,060 You go up and just be yourself. 267 00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:25,900 No kid gloves. Just be Tam. 268 00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:30,100 Thanks, Isa. 269 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,940 Tam. What? 270 00:15:33,940 --> 00:15:36,260 Winston's house is up there. 271 00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:38,020 Aye, of course it is. That way. 272 00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:47,230 ISA: Just be yourself. Just be Tam. 273 00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:52,430 Well, I suppose, on the up side, your invalidity benefit's gonnae jump up. 274 00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:56,630 I'm no' gonnae be doing any jumping up, am I? 275 00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:57,950 No. Sorry. 276 00:15:59,390 --> 00:16:01,830 Here, I could teach you chess 277 00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,830 and we could go down to the park on a Sunday 278 00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:06,670 and fleece those daft old bastards that play. We'd make a fortune. 279 00:16:06,670 --> 00:16:09,920 So, you're saying to me that this wheelchair 280 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,560 is gonnae give me an opportunity to make money? 281 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,600 I'm no' gonnae need a fortune then. 282 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,720 I'm gonnae need a fortune now to get a specialist to save my leg. 283 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,560 Right, OK, I was thinking - 284 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,520 remember that pair of lovely brogues you bought last year? 285 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,210 Yes. 286 00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:33,490 Can I get them? You'll no' be needing them. 287 00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:36,170 Out, you lousy bastard! 288 00:16:36,170 --> 00:16:39,970 I'm just being myself. That's what Isa told me to be! 289 00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:43,930 You've got a black heart! Away and be yourself somewhere else! 290 00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:45,010 Get out! 291 00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:53,330 Isa, look at that. Proper graft. 292 00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:56,690 Planned to perfection and expertly executed. 293 00:16:56,690 --> 00:16:58,980 Run along, Isa. 294 00:16:58,980 --> 00:17:03,660 Run along now, and tell everybody what you have seen here today. 295 00:17:07,140 --> 00:17:09,580 Tam! Yes, Winston? 296 00:17:09,580 --> 00:17:12,820 I don't wish you the health to wear them, you rat's arse! 297 00:17:12,820 --> 00:17:14,820 Ow! You and I are finished! 298 00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:29,870 Tea - the workers' reward. There you are. 299 00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,550 There you go. Oh, lovely, lovely. 300 00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:33,750 Thank you. I'll tell you something else, boys. 301 00:17:33,750 --> 00:17:37,070 See that ramp? That ramp's gonnae be there long after we're gone. 302 00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:40,350 People are gonnae walk by here in years to come and they're gonnae say, 303 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,470 "Who forged this?" 304 00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:45,790 And the answer will be, "They say that three men came 305 00:17:45,790 --> 00:17:48,960 "and gave of their time selflessly and tirelessly 306 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,840 "for the benefit of a dear friend." 307 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,520 Yes, and that there, boys, will be our legacy, 308 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,680 which nobody can befoul. 309 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:01,360 Oh, you little bastard! You wee cheeky...! 310 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,960 WHIMPERS 311 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,520 LOCK RATTLES 312 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,010 Oh, by Christ! 313 00:18:16,370 --> 00:18:20,090 Whoever you are, you can bugger off! 314 00:18:20,090 --> 00:18:24,330 I'm team-handed in here, and one of them's my mate Peggy. 315 00:18:24,330 --> 00:18:28,050 You might have seen her about. She's built like a brick shit-house! 316 00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:37,740 SHRIEKS 317 00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:43,060 Open the door, Mrs Drennan. Oh! 318 00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:47,740 Oh, you big, lanky streak of creepy piss. What you doing to me? 319 00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:55,300 That's the last straw, Mr Sheathing. Here, I quit. 320 00:18:55,300 --> 00:19:00,460 If I stay here any longer, the next person you'll be burying is me! 321 00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:01,780 Not quite. 322 00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:04,670 I think you'd better sit down. 323 00:19:10,870 --> 00:19:13,750 Must be a lot to lose your legs. 324 00:19:17,430 --> 00:19:19,030 Oh, no! 325 00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:21,270 I've got to be honest with you, boys. 326 00:19:21,270 --> 00:19:24,070 I thought you were going to make a total arse of it. 327 00:19:24,070 --> 00:19:27,030 Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh! 328 00:19:27,030 --> 00:19:29,960 I didnae think you had it in yous. 329 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,600 Oh! Oh! 330 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,240 Waaah! 331 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,880 Oh, no! Oh! 332 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,400 I thought the whole thing was gonnae fall flat on its face. 333 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,800 Oh, no! 334 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,960 Well, Boabby, when you're quite finished blowing smoke up our arses, 335 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,480 is there any chance we can get three more pints to throw down our necks? 336 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,090 Fine. 337 00:19:59,810 --> 00:20:02,250 Tam's died. 338 00:20:07,730 --> 00:20:10,410 Well, I've been up to see Frances, 339 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,730 and frankly, I couldnae get much out of her. 340 00:20:13,730 --> 00:20:15,250 That's a first. 341 00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:18,020 What were you expecting? The Gettysburg Address? 342 00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:21,020 What I meant was, she was in an awful strange mood. 343 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:24,980 Course she was in a strange mood, Isa. Her man's just died. 344 00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:28,420 She'll be in shock, Isa. Nothing strange about that. 345 00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:32,260 Well, I think one of yous should go up. 346 00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:36,140 Well, I cannae go up. I barred him. What am I gonnae say? 347 00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:38,460 "Oh, I'm so sorry about Tam, Frances, 348 00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:41,460 "but look on the bright side - he's no longer barred from my shop." 349 00:20:41,470 --> 00:20:44,190 BOABBY: Well, I'm in the same boat. 350 00:20:44,190 --> 00:20:46,350 "Sorry about your loss, Frances. 351 00:20:46,350 --> 00:20:48,030 "You're in my thoughts, hen, 352 00:20:48,030 --> 00:20:50,670 "as is the tab he run up over 30 year." 353 00:20:50,670 --> 00:20:53,750 Look, I know it should be me that goes up, 354 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:58,790 being as his best pal and all, but what am I gonnae say? 355 00:20:58,790 --> 00:21:01,430 "Frances, I feel terrible about this, 356 00:21:01,430 --> 00:21:03,910 "but I'm just happy it was a heart attack he died of 357 00:21:03,910 --> 00:21:05,830 "and no' a brain haemorrhage, 358 00:21:05,830 --> 00:21:08,160 "after I bounced those Clarks brogues off his heid"? 359 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,640 BOTH: Jesus. 360 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,000 Hello, boys. 361 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,000 Hello, Frances. 362 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,200 We thought we'd just come round and just check to see everything was all right. 363 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,010 Just wanted to see if there was anything we could do for ye. 364 00:21:31,010 --> 00:21:33,810 No. Mr Sheathing's taking care of everything. 365 00:21:33,810 --> 00:21:37,370 He's even going to speak, cos I'm too upset. 366 00:21:37,370 --> 00:21:38,690 Right. 367 00:21:38,690 --> 00:21:40,610 Is that a problem? 368 00:21:40,610 --> 00:21:45,010 Well, it's just that Mr Sheathing didnae really know Tam, did he? 369 00:21:45,010 --> 00:21:46,290 Not like all of us. 370 00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:49,930 OK, then. You two can speak at his funeral. 371 00:21:53,610 --> 00:21:55,410 How did we get saddled with this? 372 00:21:55,420 --> 00:21:57,060 Oh, well, let me remind you. 373 00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:59,300 You said, "Sheathing didnae really know him." 374 00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:02,860 Well, let me remind you. You said, "Not like all of us." 375 00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:05,260 Wanker. Call me a wanker, you wanker! 376 00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:08,820 Aye, well, we're a couple of wankers, aren't we? Tam... 377 00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:12,140 That's us dropping like flies now. 378 00:22:12,140 --> 00:22:16,660 Christ, Jack, I'm really gonnae miss him. 379 00:22:16,660 --> 00:22:18,420 Aye, me too. 380 00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:22,550 Well, we're just gonnae have to come up with a few fitting words 381 00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:24,310 to send him on his way. 382 00:22:31,470 --> 00:22:32,910 "Dearly beloved..." 383 00:22:32,910 --> 00:22:36,590 Oh, you cannae start with that, Jack. We're no' priests or ministers. 384 00:22:36,590 --> 00:22:40,430 We're his pals! I mean, what do we know about Tam? 385 00:22:40,430 --> 00:22:43,960 What do we know? What do we know? 386 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,830 He was a miserable bastard. 387 00:22:45,830 --> 00:22:50,000 "Miserable...bastard." 388 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,560 He used to love to con Boabby out a pint. 389 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,680 Aye, he did indeed. Aye. That was always funny. 390 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,440 Is that no' the same as "miserable bastard"? 391 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,280 Aye. 392 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,040 Got it. 393 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,120 "Although he loved Frances, he never took her any holidays, 394 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:08,240 "nor did he buy her any gifts for her Christmas or her birthday." 395 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:12,690 Again, I refer to our earlier statement that he was a miserable bastard. 396 00:23:12,690 --> 00:23:15,650 Jesus, this is much more difficult than I thought it was gonnae be. 397 00:23:15,650 --> 00:23:18,690 I think we're making this tougher than it needs to be, you know. 398 00:23:18,690 --> 00:23:25,330 All we need to do is speak from the heart in a sort of freeform sense, you know. 399 00:23:25,330 --> 00:23:27,890 What, like jazz? Exactly like jazz. 400 00:23:27,890 --> 00:23:28,930 Like... 401 00:23:28,930 --> 00:23:31,170 # Bee-bop ba-doo-ba-doo-doo-doo, Tam 402 00:23:31,170 --> 00:23:33,650 # Boo-bop, ba-doo-ba-da-doo Miserable bastard 403 00:23:33,650 --> 00:23:35,980 ♪ Miserable bastard. ♪ 404 00:23:46,540 --> 00:23:47,820 Well... 405 00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:50,380 STUTTERS: ...it's a smashin' day for it. 406 00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:52,300 Victor? 407 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:55,140 Just you go on the now, Jack. 408 00:23:55,140 --> 00:23:57,380 Er, well, what can we...? 409 00:23:57,380 --> 00:23:58,980 What can we say about Tam? 410 00:23:58,990 --> 00:24:01,870 He was a man that we knew for a lot of years. 411 00:24:01,870 --> 00:24:04,750 Er, he was just always there. 412 00:24:06,550 --> 00:24:13,350 People would say, "Tam, Tam, Tam, Tam, he was some man." 413 00:24:13,350 --> 00:24:16,270 He was... He was tight... 414 00:24:16,270 --> 00:24:21,190 ...er, with the rest of us. We were a tight group. 415 00:24:21,190 --> 00:24:24,870 Miserable...that we all are now that he's gone. 416 00:24:24,870 --> 00:24:28,480 Jack, Victor, a valiant effort, 417 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,080 but on the whole, piss-poor. 418 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:31,920 Allow me. 419 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,440 Tam...was a miserable git. 420 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,520 He was never happier than when he was trying to con you out of something. 421 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:46,120 A fiver. A pint. A loaf. 422 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,530 A fridge-freezer. A space hopper. Och, anything. 423 00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:52,530 And he was always coming up wi' some sob story 424 00:24:52,530 --> 00:24:56,490 to make you part wi' your money. 425 00:24:56,490 --> 00:24:58,770 But that got on most people's tits, including mine. 426 00:24:58,770 --> 00:25:03,210 And so, the last time I saw him, we fell out. 427 00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:07,690 But if I'm being honest with myself, it made me laugh - 428 00:25:07,690 --> 00:25:10,210 the barefaced cheek of the man. 429 00:25:10,210 --> 00:25:11,970 CHUCKLING 430 00:25:11,970 --> 00:25:14,090 And I think Tam knew that. 431 00:25:15,620 --> 00:25:20,380 And I think that's why he did it - to gie us all a laugh. 432 00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:23,540 I mean, if we're no' here for a bastardin' laugh, what are we here for? 433 00:25:23,540 --> 00:25:24,820 LAUGHTER 434 00:25:24,820 --> 00:25:26,620 Well said, Winston. 435 00:25:29,620 --> 00:25:33,020 Right, who wants a drink? 436 00:25:33,020 --> 00:25:35,940 On me. For Tam. 437 00:25:35,940 --> 00:25:38,060 His final freebie. 438 00:25:39,270 --> 00:25:41,220 A pint o' snakebite, Boabby. 439 00:25:41,220 --> 00:25:42,420 Two orange juice. 440 00:25:43,510 --> 00:25:45,670 This is grim, isn't it? Mm. 441 00:25:48,190 --> 00:25:49,590 Come on. 442 00:25:54,430 --> 00:25:55,670 You all right? 443 00:25:55,670 --> 00:25:59,110 I'm about to get my leg hacked off in five weeks. 444 00:26:00,510 --> 00:26:04,360 They should have just threw me down that hole along wi' Tam this afternoon. 445 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,480 CLEARS HIS THROAT: We're gonnae have a wee word wi' Frances. 446 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:16,480 Boys, boys, she's no' for talking to anybody. 447 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,520 Fair do's. 448 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,280 Isa, I'm starving. Nae purvey? Nae buffet? 449 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:23,960 It's in there. 450 00:26:41,170 --> 00:26:45,330 Er, lovely...spread, Frances. 451 00:26:45,330 --> 00:26:47,410 Don't give me that. 452 00:26:47,410 --> 00:26:51,410 Tam telt me years ago that's what he wanted at his funeral. 453 00:26:51,410 --> 00:26:53,770 He was very specific about it. 454 00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:00,660 To Tam. 455 00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:05,780 Tam. ALL: Tam. 456 00:27:05,780 --> 00:27:07,980 To Tam. 457 00:27:09,820 --> 00:27:12,660 PHONE VIBRATES 458 00:27:20,190 --> 00:27:21,830 Hello? 459 00:27:23,510 --> 00:27:24,790 Hello? 460 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,560 Hey, you all right? Eh? Aye. 461 00:27:58,560 --> 00:27:59,840 CLEARS HIS THROAT 462 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,880 You just left a bit quick. 463 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,560 Aye. I just wanted to get out and get a bit of fresh air, you know. 464 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:09,770 Stretch my leg while I've still got it. 465 00:28:11,290 --> 00:28:12,810 Listen, erm... 466 00:28:16,490 --> 00:28:20,370 Och, nothing. Never mind. Is that the ramp? 467 00:28:20,370 --> 00:28:25,370 Oh, there's still work to be done to that. It's no' finished, no. 468 00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:28,690 Well, let's get a look at it. Naw, naw, naw. No' now. 469 00:28:28,690 --> 00:28:31,290 We were interrupted with all that bad news and that, you know? 470 00:28:31,290 --> 00:28:34,180 Best to wait and see it when it's done. I want to see it. 471 00:28:41,340 --> 00:28:45,580 WINSTON LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY 472 00:28:45,580 --> 00:28:47,780 Thanks for that, boys. I needed that.