This programme contains adult humour
Eh, The Avengers?
Naw.
People in plastic suits flying aboot like diddies.
Aye.
Ironing Man.
Iron Man!
What did I say?Ironing Man.
Huh! He'd be a rubbish superhero, Jack, eh?
Standing there watching EastEnders rattling through a washing,
"I'll have this done in no time, for I am Ironing Man!"
CHUCKLES
Right enough.
OK, Wendy's Wild Flower?
Oh, what's that aboot?
It's a young couple of lovers at it like knives,
sweat bailing aff them,
no even stoppin' for a plate o' soup or nothing.
Daein' it in phone boxes, in cars, up closes, aw that. It's an 18.
Och, naw, the place'll be full of women.
Aye, we'll be sitting up the back like perverts
with a couple of storkies.
Awright, this one is about zombies.
Undead Rising. What happens in that?
The undead rise.
Start eatin' people's brains cos they're brain daft.
Ach, I cannae be bothered with aw that, Jack.
Do ye want to just go doon the Clansman and get a couple of pints?
Nah, I think we should go and see a movie.
I think it would keep oor mind aff things,
otherwise we're just going into the Clansman
and lookin' at two empty seats where Tam and Eric used tae sit.
And Winston's to lose his other leg soon.
The old band ain't what it used to be.
Aye. Like The Drifters - doon tae its original member
and a bunch o' deadbeat hangers-on just tryin' to keep the numbers up.
He should be called "The Drifter".
CHUCKLES
Listen, Jack, I've been thinking a wee bit lately aboot my ain funeral.
Aye, that'll cheer us up. Let's talk aboot that.
Shut up. Hear me out.
SIGHS I'm no wanting one.
Ye've got to have a funeral! Otherwise naebody knows you're deid.
Listen. It's my funeral, and I'm no wanting one.
Like that David Bowie fella,
he never had one. Didnae want tae put his pals through all that misery,
you know? He just...skipped it.
What's miserable aboot it? You get planted, we get pished.
That's a good day oot.
It's no often you get a good day oot at oor age.
Aye. And how's that a good day out for me, Jack, eh,
lying in my box looking up at you lot getting pished?
No havin' a funeral fur Davie Bowie's OK, because he was a pop legend.
A man of mystery.
Baith his eyes were different colours.
It looked as if he wis fae another planet.
So, when he dies, well, it seems as if he went back there.
But you, well, you're a nae-mark pensioner.
And anyway, baith your eyes are the same colour.
Oh, but here, if ye want to go like David Bowie,
what I'll dae is I'll get a blue Smartie
and I'll stick it the eye of your dead corpse.
Then I'll sing Ashes To Ashes.
Of course, I'll no be singing at your funeral, Jack.
I'll be dancin'...on yer grave.
CHUCKLING
What will I say?
You'll say nothing, ye silly old bastard.
Can I help you, Winston?
Naw.
Aye.
Naw. Mebbe. Mebbe. Och, naw.
Have I to pick one?
I was wondering if you could explain something to me.
At Tam's do,
I got a really strange phone call...
..fae Tam's phone.
You think he's phoning you fae beyond the grave?
I just...
Look, I'm sorry. I shouldnae have come.
It was me.
I keep his phone in ma bag.
I like to have it close.
Sometimes when I've reached in, I've dialled somebody by mistake.
I should put the phone in a drawer.
Och, I'm awful sorry, hen.
I...I didnae mean to upset you.
No, it's awright. It's awright, Winston. Thanks for stopping by.
JACK: Zombies.
SCOFFS A lot o' garbage.
Aye.
Probably been better aff goin' tae see that sci-fi movie, Hidden Spaceship.
What do you imagine that was aw aboot?
Oh, I don't know, Jack, I'm no film critic,
but might it be about a spaceship
that was hidden?
CHUCKLES
See if a zombie came at me, I dunno, in the Clansman, like...
Oh, right, what would you dae there?
Well, your zombie's main objective is tae wire intae the brain.
CHOMPING
I'd just act doolally.
"Is that you, Brian? Oh, I've no seen ye in ages, son!"
The zombie'd be like that, "Ach, that's a shame.
"That poor auld bastard's brain's turned tae mush. I'm no eatin' that!"
Aye, cos your zombies are like that, aren't they?
They kick the door o' the pub in, wander up tae the pensioner,
and they're like that, "Oh, haud on. I'm gonnae have tae assess
"this poor pensioner's mental state of health." That's right.
"Before I chow down on his brain,
"I'm going to have to take the blood pressure,
"get my wee doctor's torch out, shine it in the eyes,
"and a urine sample."
Of course, you widnae need that because you've pished yerself already.
He'd be better aff wi' Boabby's brains. Much younger.
LAUGHING
Boabby's brains! There's nae eatin' in Boabby's brains.
That's a light snack. Aye, a starter...
What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Eh, well, a zomb...
I think I've just seen Tam there. Eh?
Gie's a goldie, Boabby.
What's wi' the gear?
I'm waiting on a date.
A date?
Aye. I'm on Tinder noo.
Tinder? It's a dating site.
Ye do it all fae yer phone. There's an app for auld duffers and all.
You should gie it a go.
What's it called? Podgers For Codgers?
So what dae you dae?
You just put yer description in. If somebody likes you, you make a date.
Oh, this'll be good. Right, Boabby, describe yersel to me.
It's all here. 36.
Waist size?
Age.
What else?Height.
6'2".
SNICKERING
Staunin' on a chair, reaching for a bag of Scampi Fries, mebbe.
GIGGLING
Interests?
Snorkelling, sky diving...
..classical music.
You cannae tell aw they lies, Boabby.
What aboot yer photie?
I mean, that must be a red flag right away!
I have Photoshopped that a wee bit.
He shopped around for photies and put wan in of David Hasselhoff.
GIGGLING
Aye, eh.
Using photies o' other people to get yer hole.
Hasselhoff. Shite Rider.
Look. None of that stuff matters.
Once she gets here, bang.
I just hit her with my personality, patter.
All they lies will just...fade away.
SNICKERING
DOOR OPENS
Two whiskies, Boabby.
Aye, gie's a minute.
Two whiskies, Boabby!
Look at that, Boabby. You're getting hassled for haufs.
How was your zombie picture?
Shite, thank you.
Tell Winston what you thought you saw.
Leave it.
Well, what did you see?
Forget it. Eh, nothing.
Well, now I am intrigued.
As is Isa.
Oh-ya f...!
Right.
We're comin' oot the pictures... Och.
..and Jack here is maintaining...
..that he seen Tam.
What flavour was your popcorn? LSD?
Did you see him, Victor?
Naw. When I looked, I saw nothing.
What?
Eh, nothing.
That's mair common than ye think, that.
Ma pal Sandra fae the bingo,
her man took a heart attack trying to open a jar o' Branston Pickle.
Terrible. I cannae abide it.
Especially that small chunk pickle.
It's the texture.
It's like somebody's chowed it up for you first, you know?
Well, anyway, for aboot a year, she was convinced that she seen him
everywhere she went.
Take A Break did a big in-depth article on this very phenomenon.
That, what you're experiencing, is grief.
You're giving ma ears grief, Isa.
I'm tellin' ye.
The eyes can play tricks on ye.
DOOR OPENS
Leanne?
Boabby?
The very same.
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
The same as what?
LAUGHTER
That's cracking.
David Bloody Hasselhoff?
Aye, the best o' it is, he's saying that I should have a go.
Well, he's right. That's a good idea.
Gie's peace.
No, listen, Winston, in a couple o' weeks,
you'll be in the same club as me.
Invisible.
If I was told I could get two weeks of walking aboot,
I know what I'd be daein'.
Internet dating?
Darn tootin', boy!
Aye, I mean, all I would have tae dae
is come up with an honest description of myself.
And a wee photie of James Bond.
What ye gonnae call yersel?
Dr No Legs?
LAUGHING
WOMEN LAUGHING
COUGHING
Waiting on the 47? Oh, Jesus.
Aye, me an' aw.
Hello, Isa.
That was a right old giggle you were having to yerself there, Frances.
It was, aye. You with nothing
really to giggle aboot, tae.
I'm no wi' ye, Isa.
There's Tam no away ten minutes.
He's no even cauld yet and you're pishing yersel'.
How long did you gie it after your Harry died
before you had a good laugh, Isa?
Aye, well, it was actually...
..as the box was burnin', but...but that was nerves.
In terms of actual laughing, bus-stop laughing,
well,
four to six weeks would be an accepted waiting time.
Well, here's what I'll dae, Isa.
I'll just head back up the road, get back intae ma black dress
and sit there weeping till you chap ma door
and gie me the all clear to snigger, at least.
RADIO: Sweeties and biscuits aren't the same
as what they used to be, are they?
Whatever happened to Sherbet Dabs?
We've got them in the shop.
And Opal Fruits?
They're called Starburst now. Get over it. Arsehole.
And when I was a kid, Wagon Wheels were HUUUUUGE!
Aye, that's cos yer hands were tiny!
It's an optical illusion called growing, you brainless bastard!
Och, now look what you made me do, ya wanker!
TYRES SCREECH
Tam?!
Haw!
FRUSTRATED YELL
Look at this mad rocket, man, he's the Terminator!
What ye expecting us tae dae?
An abandoned van crammed full of sweeties!
Look what's happened noo!
We've tanned yer crammed abandoned van, man!
Navid?
Gie's a double brandy, Boabby. You don't drink.
Single, then.
That's still drinking.
Campari and soda then.
Still alcohol.
Low-alcohol lager?
Still booze. Low booze, but still booze.
Well, gie's a pack of they Scampi Fries, then.
Have those Scampi Fries settled yer nerves, Navid?
Naw.
Hit me with more Scampi Fries, barman.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think you've had enough.
Why are you all janglin'?
I just saw Tam.
Navid, you've imagined it.
No. I'm no an alkie pensioner like you lot.
I know what I saw.
This would explain Frances's laughing.
You seen him, Jack.
Something's no right.
Now wait a minute.
You and him think ye seen him.
Two maybe sightings.
Aye, if we'd a third sighting that we could rely on.
Well, as a matter of fact, I seen him.
Well, as I say, if there was a third sighting we could rely on...
What do you think, Boabby? What do I think?
I think yous are all aff your rockers.
Wait till I tell Winston all this pish.
Naw, naw, naw, naw, ye cannae dae that.
Winston and Tam were big pals for a lot of years.
Aye, it's tactless, that.
You don't want to go upsettin' him. He's got a lot on his plate.
Aye, listen to the boys, Boabby.
You'll just need tae keep your trap shut.
LAUGHTER
Very funny.
Navid, did you see his face?
As plain as I'm looking at yours.
So what did ye dae?
I chased him.
But I had to break off the chase because two wide-os stole my van.
The van was full of cash-and-carry, so that chase took precedent.
I chased them for four streets, and they stalled it.
And then I battered the shite out of the pair of them.
I went in a wee bit too hard, though, so I gave them a Curly Wurly each
to buy their silence and avoid court.
I'll tell you this, though,
they'll be sucking they Curly Wurlys noo,
cos they've nae teeth left.
Hello, Mr Ingram. What you after?
Can I wait? I'm waiting on a...
..um, on a...
Are you on a date?Maybe.
What's her name?
Never you mind, baby Isa.
A date in here?
What's wrang wi' this place? Well, it's a bit shite, innit?
I'd go aff ma nut if ma Fergie brought me in here.
Well, is there anything you can dae
to make this place more of a romantic setting?
Aye.
Is that it, then?Aye.
That's you ready for yer roll and yer hole.
Noreen.
Winston.
Lovely to meet you.
It's lovely to meet you too.
Can I get you a beverage?
What do you have?
Coffee, tea or Bovril.
I'll try a Bovril.
What aboot you, shagger?
Bovril!
You look great.
Just what I expected.
You look even better in person.
Thank you.
So often you go out on these things
and people have bummed themselves up.
Ha! Aye. Wi' me, what you see is what you get.
It's better to be honest, isn't it?
Eh... On that,
I...I...I think it's important to tell you that,
in the next couple of weeks,
I'm going to have my remaining leg took aff.
Oh, that's terrible.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Well, that's good of you.
I just wanted to be straight.
And I appreciate that.
I'm just going to powder my nose.
Of course.
You ready to order?
Aye. Just a wee minute, hen. She's just away to powder her nose.
Where's the powder room, in that taxi?Eh?
Dirty, shallow bastard.
ISA:I feel bad aboot this.
You're feeling bad aboot creeping aboot looking for info,
trying to get to the bottom of a mystery?
No, fair play.
I'm lovin' ma life.
What is it we're looking for?
Anything. Clues. A document.
Evidence.
Where is everybody?
I dunno.
Bowls.
Bingo.
It's this creepy bastard.
He empties the place.
Another Dark Heart, please,
and whatever Mr Ingram's having.
Oh, large goldie, please.
LOUDLY:Doesnae seem like a creepy bastard to me, Boabby.
Yer health, Mr Sheathing.
And yours, Mr Ingram.
So, how was your date?
Good. Aye.
We laughed, we chatted,
and then 45 seconds later, she left.
SNORTS
What went wrang?
I told her about ma leg and she rubbed salt into the wound
by using her legs to run outside and intae a taxi.
CHUCKLING
See? Truth gets ye naewhere.
And you were laughing at me!
SCOFFS
Everybody laughs at you, Boabby.
See if you'd've swept some details under the carpet,
you might have been on the bones right now.
Look, you stick to your game plan and I'll stick to mine.
DOOR OPENS
Suzanne?
No!
LAUGHS
Right, c'mon, boys.
This is a wash-oot.
Haud on.
ANSWERPHONE:Tuesday. 5pm. BEEP
TAM:Mr Sheathing, I...I need to talk to you aboot getting you squared up.
Give me a phone.
I say squared up, I mean, I want a discount.
What with me no bein'...
...well, you know. CLICK, BEEP
FILM:I've got to tell you, Mrs Johnson, it's not good.
Your husband's going to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
We're removing both those legs tonight.
Listen. There's something I havnae telt you.
What is it?
You know how I told you I've only one leg?
Uh-huh. And I told you it doesnae bother me.
Aye, and I appreciate that.
But the other one's to come aff shortly.
Oh, my God!
That's terrible.
Would you like me to get you some popcorn?
SIGHS Aye.
Don't forget your coat.
CLAMOURING
Four pints, Boabby.
This is ridiculous.
It's the last time I listen to yous two.
The bar's never been busier and I'm losing money?!
"Trust us, Boabby! If Tam's alive, he'll no be able to resist this! "
Gie it another five minutes, Boabby, eh?Aye, c'mon, Boabby.
We've got to know for sure!
Boabby! I'm trying tae get a game of pool here!
Right!
Every bastard oot.
Get oot!
Gie's a carry-oot, Boabby. There's £1 -
that equals ten cans.
Party's over.
Sling yer hook!
SIGHS Well, pardon the pun,
but that is the final nail in the coffin.
Aye.
He's away.
Well, you were right about something, Isa.
Grief does strange things.
Aye, it does that, boys.
Cannae take nae pleasure in being right aboot that.
BOABBY:Jack, Victor, Isa,
you might want tae come and huv a look at this.
Look.
Oh-ho-ho!
VICTOR:Jesus Christ!
Welcome back, Tam.
This is it, son.
Your last throw of the dice.
Strike out here and...you're retired.
CLEARS THROAT
Green coat? You must be Winnie.
And you must be Winston.
It's nice to meet you.
So, gonnae sit yerself doon?
Aye, I will in a minute. Eh...
Listen, I've no been having a great deal of success
wi' this dating malarkey, and...and I'll tell you for why.
The day after tomorrow, I...I'm going into the hospital
for an operation that's gonnae put me in a wheelchair.
So if ye want to walk away, I'll no hold it against you.
CHUCKLING:Well, that might be a wee bit difficult.
How's that?
Because that chair there belongs to me.
THEY LAUGH
Look...
I know what you're gonnae say.
"How would that work? Two pensioners in chairs?"
Well...aye.
Well, I'll no hold it against you if you leave.
Thanks, Winnie.
It was lovely meeting you.
Good luck wi' it.
And do you have a good wee network of friends round about you?
Oh, aye, aye.
They're always there to dig you out.
Mrs Drennan, what is it that we're doing here?
I was watching A Place In The Sun.
You'll see in a minute, ya wee black-hearted twister, ye!
Mrs Drennan, you're actually frightening me now.
Oh! CHUCKLES
That's funny, in't it?
Me and the undertaker walking through the graveyard,
and it's you that's shiteing yourself!
Just a little further.
OWL HOOTS
Evening, Mr Sheathing.
What's the meaning of this?
Oh, look at that, Victor. Making oot as if he doesnae know what's happening!
About what?
We are of the belief that were we to dig this grave six feet,
we'd find nothing but an empty box.
If you were to dig this grave, you would find not only your friend,
but yourselves in police custody -
for desecration.
Good words, ya lanky, Sinestro, Pale Rider bastard.
This crime we're committing pales into insignificance against yours.
You faked the death o' oor pal.
That's worse than discretion.
Desecration, Jack. What did I say?
Discretion. By all means, gentlemen,
satisfy your curiosity.
But make no mistake - you'll be digging your own graves.
Shut up.
Ready, Jack?Oh, aye.
Ready, Victor.
Stop!
You win.
Where's Tam?
I've died, right?
You're still with us.
As am I.
Hello, Winston.
Frances, hen, are you seeing what I'm seeing?
I am.
But I want you to know, this wasnae my idea.
Naw.
Naw, it was my idea.
To do what?
Hello, Tam.
To fake his ain death.
Why would ye dae that?
Well, I...did it for you.
I looked oot my insurance policy.
23 grand.
Gonnae be enough to send you to Switzerland.
I'm no goin' to Switzerland!
I know what they dae tae pensioners in they Swiss hotels.
Boiled egg for breakfast and a bullet for lunch.
It's only my leg, for Christ's sake!
Which you'll be keeping. Thanks to that money.
Frances?
Naw. You put us all through the mill.
Well, I didnae really have any other option, did I?
Just take the bloody money, Winston.
I'm deid noo, anyhow.
Oh, aye. And how ye gonnae fix that?
I suppose for a period of time
you'll need to call me...Gerald,
or something. No, no.
Do you know what I've always fancied?
Clint.
Or Dick, maybe?
Well, here's the bad news, Clint, Gerald, Dick.
I'm no daein' it.
I'm a Labour man.
I worked all ma days on the Clyde.
If the leg's coming aff, it's coming aff. I'm no queue-jumping.
You're no jumping any queues.
You're next in the queue.
You're goin' doon to that theatre the morrow to get that whipped off.
That cheque there is your passport to savin' that leg.
Jack's right.
I mean, this silly bastard's
gone to ridiculous lengths to obtain that money.
Take it.
Get yourself to Switzerland, and get that leg kept.
Jack.
Aye.
See that sign up there?
Uh-huh.
Want tae rip it doon and get me a fish supper?
CHUCKLING
Green coat? You must be Winnie.
I am indeed.
And you must be Winston.
Winston and Winnie. It's good that, in't it?
I got you a gift...Oh!
..fae Switzerland.
GASPS What is it?
What else could it be?
Oh!