1
00:00:02,243 --> 00:00:35,012
This programme contains adult humour

2
00:00:35,012 --> 00:00:37,444
Eh, The Avengers?

3
00:00:37,444 --> 00:00:39,106
Naw.

4
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:42,243
People in plastic suits
flying aboot like diddies.

5
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,524
Aye.

6
00:00:43,524 --> 00:00:45,316
Ironing Man.

7
00:00:45,316 --> 00:00:46,914
Iron Man!

8
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,515
What did I say?Ironing Man.

9
00:00:48,515 --> 00:00:51,012
Huh! He'd be a rubbish superhero,
Jack, eh?

10
00:00:51,012 --> 00:00:54,722
Standing there watching EastEnders
rattling through a washing,

11
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,475
"I'll have this done in no time,
for I am Ironing Man!"

12
00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,012
CHUCKLES

13
00:00:59,012 --> 00:01:00,048
Right enough.

14
00:01:00,048 --> 00:01:02,786
OK, Wendy's Wild Flower?

15
00:01:02,786 --> 00:01:04,387
Oh, what's that aboot?

16
00:01:04,388 --> 00:01:07,459
It's a young couple of lovers
at it like knives,

17
00:01:07,459 --> 00:01:09,058
sweat bailing aff them,

18
00:01:09,060 --> 00:01:11,108
no even stoppin' for a plate o' soup
or nothing.

19
00:01:11,108 --> 00:01:15,908
Daein' it in phone boxes, in cars,
up closes, aw that. It's an 18.

20
00:01:15,908 --> 00:01:18,019
Och, naw, the place'll be full
of women.

21
00:01:18,019 --> 00:01:21,090
Aye, we'll be sitting up the back
like perverts

22
00:01:21,090 --> 00:01:23,587
with a couple of storkies.

23
00:01:23,587 --> 00:01:26,594
Awright, this one is about zombies.

24
00:01:26,596 --> 00:01:28,834
Undead Rising.
What happens in that?

25
00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:30,628
The undead rise.

26
00:01:30,628 --> 00:01:33,060
Start eatin' people's brains
cos they're brain daft.

27
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,683
Ach, I cannae be bothered
with aw that, Jack.

28
00:01:35,683 --> 00:01:38,563
Do ye want to just go doon the
Clansman and get a couple of pints?

29
00:01:38,563 --> 00:01:40,611
Nah, I think we should go and see a
movie.

30
00:01:40,611 --> 00:01:42,722
I think it would keep oor
mind aff things,

31
00:01:42,724 --> 00:01:44,644
otherwise we're just going into
the Clansman

32
00:01:44,644 --> 00:01:46,884
and lookin' at two empty seats
where Tam and Eric used tae sit.

33
00:01:46,884 --> 00:01:50,980
And Winston's to lose his other leg
soon.

34
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,772
The old band ain't what it used
to be.

35
00:01:52,772 --> 00:01:56,611
Aye. Like The Drifters -
doon tae its original member

36
00:01:56,611 --> 00:02:00,387
and a bunch o' deadbeat hangers-on
just tryin' to keep the numbers up.

37
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He should be called "The Drifter".

38
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,203
CHUCKLES

39
00:02:03,203 --> 00:02:07,171
Listen, Jack, I've been thinking a
wee bit lately aboot my ain funeral.

40
00:02:07,171 --> 00:02:08,706
Aye, that'll cheer us up.
Let's talk aboot that.

41
00:02:08,706 --> 00:02:10,242
Shut up. Hear me out.

42
00:02:10,242 --> 00:02:12,098
SIGHS
I'm no wanting one.

43
00:02:12,098 --> 00:02:15,299
Ye've got to have a funeral!
Otherwise naebody knows you're deid.

44
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:18,306
Listen. It's my funeral,
and I'm no wanting one.

45
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,227
Like that David Bowie fella,

46
00:02:20,228 --> 00:02:23,235
he never had one.
Didnae want tae put his pals
through all that misery,

47
00:02:23,235 --> 00:02:26,050
you know? He just...skipped it.

48
00:02:26,050 --> 00:02:29,251
What's miserable aboot it?
You get planted, we get pished.

49
00:02:29,252 --> 00:02:30,723
That's a good day oot.

50
00:02:30,723 --> 00:02:33,603
It's no often you get a good day oot
at oor age.

51
00:02:33,604 --> 00:02:35,780
Aye. And how's that a good day out
for me, Jack, eh,

52
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,467
lying in my box looking up
at you lot getting pished?

53
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:41,667
No havin' a funeral
fur Davie Bowie's OK,
because he was a pop legend.

54
00:02:41,668 --> 00:02:42,948
A man of mystery.

55
00:02:42,948 --> 00:02:44,419
Baith his eyes were
different colours.

56
00:02:44,419 --> 00:02:46,467
It looked as if he wis fae
another planet.

57
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:49,730
So, when he dies, well,
it seems as if he went back there.

58
00:02:49,730 --> 00:02:52,931
But you, well,
you're a nae-mark pensioner.

59
00:02:52,931 --> 00:02:54,914
And anyway,
baith your eyes are the same colour.

60
00:02:54,914 --> 00:02:57,538
Oh, but here, if ye want to go
like David Bowie,

61
00:02:57,538 --> 00:02:59,524
what I'll dae is I'll get a blue
Smartie

62
00:02:59,524 --> 00:03:01,508
and I'll stick it the eye
of your dead corpse.

63
00:03:01,508 --> 00:03:07,972
Then I'll sing Ashes To Ashes.

64
00:03:07,972 --> 00:03:10,914
Of course, I'll no be singing
at your funeral, Jack.

65
00:03:10,914 --> 00:03:12,650
I'll be dancin'...on yer grave.

66
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:20,962
CHUCKLING

67
00:03:20,962 --> 00:03:29,218
What will I say?

68
00:03:29,218 --> 00:03:35,364
You'll say nothing,
ye silly old bastard.

69
00:03:35,364 --> 00:03:36,900
Can I help you, Winston?

70
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,449
Naw.

71
00:03:38,449 --> 00:03:40,292
Aye.

72
00:03:40,292 --> 00:03:42,532
Naw. Mebbe. Mebbe. Och, naw.

73
00:03:42,532 --> 00:03:45,218
Have I to pick one?

74
00:03:45,218 --> 00:03:48,804
I was wondering if you could explain
something to me.

75
00:03:48,804 --> 00:03:49,890
At Tam's do,

76
00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:53,474
I got a really strange phone call...

77
00:03:53,474 --> 00:03:56,036
..fae Tam's phone.

78
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:58,020
You think he's phoning you
fae beyond the grave?

79
00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:00,132
I just...

80
00:04:00,132 --> 00:04:01,924
Look, I'm sorry.
I shouldnae have come.

81
00:04:01,924 --> 00:04:04,370
It was me.

82
00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,634
I keep his phone in ma bag.

83
00:04:05,634 --> 00:04:07,043
I like to have it close.

84
00:04:07,044 --> 00:04:10,627
Sometimes when I've reached in,
I've dialled somebody by mistake.

85
00:04:10,627 --> 00:04:12,227
I should put the phone in a drawer.

86
00:04:12,228 --> 00:04:13,828
Och, I'm awful sorry, hen.

87
00:04:13,828 --> 00:04:15,747
I...I didnae mean to upset you.

88
00:04:15,747 --> 00:04:33,348
No, it's awright. It's awright,
Winston. Thanks for stopping by.

89
00:04:33,348 --> 00:04:34,627
JACK: Zombies.

90
00:04:34,627 --> 00:04:36,355
SCOFFS
A lot o' garbage.

91
00:04:36,355 --> 00:04:37,507
Aye.

92
00:04:37,507 --> 00:04:40,514
Probably been better aff goin' tae
see that sci-fi movie,
Hidden Spaceship.

93
00:04:40,516 --> 00:04:42,180
What do you imagine that was aw
aboot?

94
00:04:42,180 --> 00:04:44,355
Oh, I don't know, Jack,
I'm no film critic,

95
00:04:44,355 --> 00:04:46,723
but might it be about a spaceship

96
00:04:46,723 --> 00:04:47,747
that was hidden?

97
00:04:47,747 --> 00:04:49,348
CHUCKLES

98
00:04:49,348 --> 00:04:51,908
See if a zombie came at me,
I dunno, in the Clansman, like...

99
00:04:51,908 --> 00:04:53,956
Oh, right, what would you dae there?

100
00:04:53,956 --> 00:04:56,579
Well, your zombie's main objective
is tae wire intae the brain.

101
00:04:56,579 --> 00:04:57,795
CHOMPING

102
00:04:57,795 --> 00:04:59,074
I'd just act doolally.

103
00:04:59,076 --> 00:05:03,684
"Is that you, Brian?
Oh, I've no seen ye in ages, son!"

104
00:05:03,684 --> 00:05:05,540
The zombie'd be like that,
"Ach, that's a shame.

105
00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:08,548
"That poor auld bastard's
brain's turned tae mush.
I'm no eatin' that!"

106
00:05:08,548 --> 00:05:11,235
Aye, cos your zombies are like that,
aren't they?

107
00:05:11,235 --> 00:05:14,050
They kick the door o' the pub in,
wander up tae the pensioner,

108
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:17,449
and they're like that, "Oh, haud on.
I'm gonnae have tae assess

109
00:05:17,449 --> 00:05:20,579
"this poor pensioner's mental state
of health." That's right.

110
00:05:20,579 --> 00:05:21,923
"Before I chow down on his brain,

111
00:05:21,923 --> 00:05:23,651
"I'm going to have to
take the blood pressure,

112
00:05:23,651 --> 00:05:25,764
"get my wee doctor's torch out,
shine it in the eyes,

113
00:05:25,764 --> 00:05:27,172
"and a urine sample."

114
00:05:27,172 --> 00:05:30,754
Of course, you widnae need that
because you've pished yerself
already.

115
00:05:30,754 --> 00:05:33,250
He'd be better aff wi' Boabby's
brains. Much younger.

116
00:05:33,252 --> 00:05:35,172
LAUGHING

117
00:05:35,172 --> 00:05:37,411
Boabby's brains! There's nae eatin'
in Boabby's brains.

118
00:05:37,411 --> 00:05:42,084
That's a light snack.
Aye, a starter...

119
00:05:42,084 --> 00:05:44,708
What's the matter?
You look like you've seen a ghost.

120
00:05:44,708 --> 00:05:47,524
Eh, well, a zomb...

121
00:05:47,524 --> 00:05:53,987
I think I've just seen Tam there.
Eh?

122
00:05:53,987 --> 00:06:00,132
Gie's a goldie, Boabby.

123
00:06:00,132 --> 00:06:01,475
What's wi' the gear?

124
00:06:01,475 --> 00:06:03,204
I'm waiting on a date.

125
00:06:03,204 --> 00:06:05,252
A date?

126
00:06:05,252 --> 00:06:06,980
Aye. I'm on Tinder noo.

127
00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:10,435
Tinder?
It's a dating site.

128
00:06:10,435 --> 00:06:12,995
Ye do it all fae yer phone. There's
an app for auld duffers and all.

129
00:06:12,995 --> 00:06:15,235
You should gie it a go.

130
00:06:15,235 --> 00:06:20,098
What's it called?
Podgers For Codgers?

131
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:21,314
So what dae you dae?

132
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:25,987
You just put yer description in. If
somebody likes you, you make a date.

133
00:06:25,987 --> 00:06:28,612
Oh, this'll be good. Right, Boabby,
describe yersel to me.

134
00:06:28,612 --> 00:06:31,875
It's all here. 36.

135
00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:33,795
Waist size?

136
00:06:33,795 --> 00:06:35,908
Age.

137
00:06:35,908 --> 00:06:39,172
What else?Height.

138
00:06:39,172 --> 00:06:40,516
6'2".

139
00:06:40,516 --> 00:06:41,923
SNICKERING

140
00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:44,867
Staunin' on a chair, reaching for
a bag of Scampi Fries, mebbe.

141
00:06:44,867 --> 00:06:47,170
GIGGLING

142
00:06:47,172 --> 00:06:49,156
Interests?

143
00:06:49,156 --> 00:06:52,163
Snorkelling, sky diving...

144
00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:54,850
..classical music.

145
00:06:54,850 --> 00:06:57,168
You cannae tell aw they lies,
Boabby.

146
00:06:57,170 --> 00:06:58,250
What aboot yer photie?

147
00:06:58,250 --> 00:06:59,908
I mean, that must be a red flag
right away!

148
00:06:59,908 --> 00:07:02,276
I have Photoshopped that a wee bit.

149
00:07:02,276 --> 00:07:06,769
He shopped around for photies
and put wan in of David Hasselhoff.

150
00:07:06,769 --> 00:07:08,036
GIGGLING

151
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:09,314
Aye, eh.

152
00:07:09,314 --> 00:07:12,834
Using photies o' other people
to get yer hole.

153
00:07:12,836 --> 00:07:16,995
Hasselhoff. Shite Rider.

154
00:07:16,995 --> 00:07:19,875
Look. None of that stuff matters.

155
00:07:19,875 --> 00:07:22,500
Once she gets here, bang.

156
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:25,314
I just hit her
with my personality, patter.

157
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:29,283
All they lies will just...fade away.

158
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,500
SNICKERING

159
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:31,843
DOOR OPENS

160
00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:34,915
Two whiskies, Boabby.

161
00:07:34,915 --> 00:07:40,163
Two whiskies, Boabby.
Aye, gie's a minute.

162
00:07:40,163 --> 00:07:42,288
Two whiskies, Boabby!

163
00:07:42,290 --> 00:07:47,204
Look at that, Boabby.
You're getting hassled for haufs.

164
00:07:47,204 --> 00:07:48,675
How was your zombie picture?

165
00:07:48,675 --> 00:07:51,170
Shite, thank you.

166
00:07:51,172 --> 00:07:53,475
Tell Winston what you thought
you saw.

167
00:07:53,475 --> 00:07:54,627
Leave it.

168
00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:56,610
Well, what did you see?

169
00:07:56,612 --> 00:07:59,362
Forget it. Eh, nothing.

170
00:07:59,362 --> 00:08:01,603
Well, now I am intrigued.

171
00:08:01,603 --> 00:08:03,012
As is Isa.

172
00:08:03,012 --> 00:08:07,620
Oh-ya f...!

173
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:08,771
Right.

174
00:08:08,771 --> 00:08:10,754
We're comin' oot the pictures...
Och.

175
00:08:10,754 --> 00:08:14,531
..and Jack here is maintaining...

176
00:08:14,531 --> 00:08:16,963
..that he seen Tam.

177
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:21,124
What flavour was your popcorn? LSD?

178
00:08:21,124 --> 00:08:22,730
Did you see him, Victor?

179
00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:27,716
Naw. When I looked, I saw nothing.

180
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:30,084
What?

181
00:08:30,084 --> 00:08:31,250
Eh, nothing.

182
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:36,484
That's mair common than ye think,
that.

183
00:08:36,484 --> 00:08:38,532
Ma pal Sandra fae the bingo,

184
00:08:38,532 --> 00:08:42,692
her man took a heart attack trying
to open a jar o' Branston Pickle.

185
00:08:42,692 --> 00:08:45,508
Terrible. I cannae abide it.

186
00:08:45,508 --> 00:08:48,836
Especially that small chunk pickle.

187
00:08:48,836 --> 00:08:50,628
It's the texture.

188
00:08:50,628 --> 00:08:54,211
It's like somebody's chowed it up
for you first, you know?

189
00:08:54,211 --> 00:08:58,370
Well, anyway, for aboot a year,
she was convinced that she seen him

190
00:08:58,370 --> 00:09:00,482
everywhere she went.

191
00:09:00,484 --> 00:09:04,009
Take A Break did a big in-depth
article on this very phenomenon.

192
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:08,292
That, what you're experiencing,
is grief.

193
00:09:08,292 --> 00:09:10,850
You're giving ma ears grief, Isa.

194
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:12,130
I'm tellin' ye.

195
00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:14,307
The eyes can play tricks on ye.

196
00:09:14,307 --> 00:09:20,067
DOOR OPENS

197
00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:21,283
Leanne?

198
00:09:21,283 --> 00:09:22,692
Boabby?

199
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:24,100
The very same.

200
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:27,364
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

201
00:09:27,364 --> 00:09:34,082
The same as what?

202
00:09:34,082 --> 00:09:35,490
LAUGHTER

203
00:09:35,490 --> 00:09:37,410
That's cracking.

204
00:09:37,412 --> 00:09:39,844
David Bloody Hasselhoff?

205
00:09:39,844 --> 00:09:42,724
Aye, the best o' it is,
he's saying that I should have a go.

206
00:09:42,724 --> 00:09:44,644
Well, he's right.
That's a good idea.

207
00:09:44,644 --> 00:09:46,436
Gie's peace.

208
00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:48,676
No, listen, Winston,
in a couple o' weeks,

209
00:09:48,676 --> 00:09:50,403
you'll be in the same club as me.

210
00:09:50,403 --> 00:09:52,970
Invisible.

211
00:09:52,970 --> 00:09:55,139
If I was told I could get two weeks
of walking aboot,

212
00:09:55,139 --> 00:09:56,292
I know what I'd be daein'.

213
00:09:56,292 --> 00:09:57,764
Internet dating?

214
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,875
Darn tootin', boy!

215
00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:02,178
Aye, I mean, all I would have tae
dae

216
00:10:02,178 --> 00:10:04,489
is come up with an
honest description of myself.

217
00:10:04,490 --> 00:10:06,596
And a wee photie of James Bond.

218
00:10:06,596 --> 00:10:08,836
What ye gonnae call yersel?

219
00:10:08,836 --> 00:10:10,500
Dr No Legs?

220
00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:12,995
LAUGHING

221
00:10:12,995 --> 00:10:17,154
WOMEN LAUGHING

222
00:10:17,154 --> 00:10:19,650
COUGHING

223
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,572
Waiting on the 47?
Oh, Jesus.

224
00:10:21,572 --> 00:10:23,043
Aye, me an' aw.

225
00:10:23,043 --> 00:10:24,649
Hello, Isa.

226
00:10:24,649 --> 00:10:28,034
That was a right old giggle you were
having to yerself there, Frances.

227
00:10:28,034 --> 00:10:30,019
It was, aye.
You with nothing

228
00:10:30,019 --> 00:10:32,514
really to giggle aboot, tae.

229
00:10:32,514 --> 00:10:34,115
I'm no wi' ye, Isa.

230
00:10:34,115 --> 00:10:36,226
There's Tam no away ten minutes.

231
00:10:36,226 --> 00:10:40,259
He's no even cauld yet
and you're pishing yersel'.

232
00:10:40,259 --> 00:10:42,692
How long did you gie it
after your Harry died

233
00:10:42,692 --> 00:10:44,355
before you had a good laugh, Isa?

234
00:10:44,355 --> 00:10:46,274
Aye, well, it was actually...

235
00:10:46,274 --> 00:10:49,475
..as the box was burnin',
but...but that was nerves.

236
00:10:49,475 --> 00:10:54,082
In terms of actual laughing,
bus-stop laughing,

237
00:10:54,082 --> 00:10:55,682
well,

238
00:10:55,682 --> 00:10:59,010
four to six weeks
would be an accepted waiting time.

239
00:10:59,010 --> 00:11:01,250
Well, here's what I'll dae, Isa.

240
00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:04,706
I'll just head back up the road,
get back intae ma black dress

241
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:07,524
and sit there weeping
till you chap ma door

242
00:11:07,524 --> 00:11:13,730
and gie me the all clear to snigger,
at least.

243
00:11:13,730 --> 00:11:15,650
RADIO: Sweeties and biscuits
aren't the same

244
00:11:15,652 --> 00:11:16,932
as what they used to be, are they?

245
00:11:16,932 --> 00:11:19,364
Whatever happened to Sherbet Dabs?

246
00:11:19,364 --> 00:11:20,706
We've got them in the shop.

247
00:11:20,706 --> 00:11:22,692
And Opal Fruits?

248
00:11:22,692 --> 00:11:25,508
They're called Starburst now.
Get over it. Arsehole.

249
00:11:25,508 --> 00:11:28,644
And when I was a kid,
Wagon Wheels were HUUUUUGE!

250
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:30,884
Aye, that's cos yer hands were tiny!

251
00:11:30,884 --> 00:11:34,730
It's an optical illusion called
growing, you brainless bastard!

252
00:11:34,730 --> 00:11:38,307
Och, now look what you made me do,
ya wanker!

253
00:11:38,307 --> 00:11:41,330
TYRES SCREECH

254
00:11:41,330 --> 00:11:50,082
Tam?!

255
00:11:50,082 --> 00:11:58,211
Haw!

256
00:11:58,211 --> 00:12:01,923
FRUSTRATED YELL

257
00:12:01,923 --> 00:12:05,058
Look at this mad rocket, man,
he's the Terminator!

258
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,235
What ye expecting us tae dae?

259
00:12:07,235 --> 00:12:10,250
An abandoned van
crammed full of sweeties!

260
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:11,844
Look what's happened noo!

261
00:12:11,844 --> 00:12:21,250
We've tanned
yer crammed abandoned van, man!

262
00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:26,883
Navid?

263
00:12:26,884 --> 00:12:30,082
Gie's a double brandy, Boabby.
You don't drink.

264
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,369
Single, then.

265
00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:32,706
That's still drinking.

266
00:12:32,706 --> 00:12:34,115
Campari and soda then.

267
00:12:34,115 --> 00:12:35,268
Still alcohol.

268
00:12:35,268 --> 00:12:36,676
Low-alcohol lager?

269
00:12:36,676 --> 00:12:39,043
Still booze.
Low booze, but still booze.

270
00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:56,962
Well, gie's a pack of they
Scampi Fries, then.

271
00:12:56,964 --> 00:12:59,524
Have those Scampi Fries
settled yer nerves, Navid?

272
00:12:59,524 --> 00:13:00,676
Naw.

273
00:13:00,676 --> 00:13:03,490
Hit me with more Scampi Fries,
barman.

274
00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:06,889
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think you've had enough.

275
00:13:06,889 --> 00:13:10,596
Why are you all janglin'?

276
00:13:10,596 --> 00:13:17,572
I just saw Tam.

277
00:13:17,572 --> 00:13:20,330
Navid, you've imagined it.

278
00:13:20,330 --> 00:13:24,292
No. I'm no an alkie pensioner
like you lot.

279
00:13:24,292 --> 00:13:25,379
I know what I saw.

280
00:13:25,379 --> 00:13:28,196
This would explain Frances's
laughing.

281
00:13:28,196 --> 00:13:30,500
You seen him, Jack.

282
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,292
Something's no right.

283
00:13:32,292 --> 00:13:33,316
Now wait a minute.

284
00:13:33,316 --> 00:13:36,388
You and him think ye seen him.

285
00:13:36,388 --> 00:13:39,010
Two maybe sightings.

286
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:41,826
Aye, if we'd a third sighting
that we could rely on.

287
00:13:41,826 --> 00:13:44,514
Well, as a matter of fact, I seen
him.

288
00:13:44,514 --> 00:13:49,826
Well, as I say, if there was
a third sighting we could rely on...

289
00:13:49,826 --> 00:13:52,451
What do you think, Boabby?
What do I think?

290
00:13:52,451 --> 00:13:55,460
I think yous are all
aff your rockers.

291
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,058
Wait till I tell Winston
all this pish.

292
00:13:57,058 --> 00:13:58,914
Naw, naw, naw, naw,
ye cannae dae that.

293
00:13:58,916 --> 00:14:02,052
Winston and Tam were big pals
for a lot of years.

294
00:14:02,052 --> 00:14:03,394
Aye, it's tactless, that.

295
00:14:03,394 --> 00:14:06,019
You don't want to go upsettin' him.
He's got a lot on his plate.

296
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:08,644
Aye, listen to the boys, Boabby.

297
00:14:08,644 --> 00:14:10,947
You'll just need tae keep your trap
shut.

298
00:14:10,947 --> 00:14:15,812
LAUGHTER

299
00:14:15,812 --> 00:14:17,604
Very funny.

300
00:14:17,604 --> 00:14:20,690
Navid, did you see his face?

301
00:14:20,690 --> 00:14:23,940
As plain as I'm looking at yours.

302
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:25,091
So what did ye dae?

303
00:14:25,091 --> 00:14:26,562
I chased him.

304
00:14:26,562 --> 00:14:29,506
But I had to break off the chase
because two wide-os stole my van.

305
00:14:29,508 --> 00:14:33,860
The van was full of cash-and-carry,
so that chase took precedent.

306
00:14:33,860 --> 00:14:36,100
I chased them for four streets,
and they stalled it.

307
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:39,556
And then I battered the shite
out of the pair of them.

308
00:14:39,556 --> 00:14:42,562
I went in a wee bit too hard,
though, so I gave them a Curly Wurly
each

309
00:14:42,562 --> 00:14:44,482
to buy their silence
and avoid court.

310
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,274
I'll tell you this, though,

311
00:14:46,274 --> 00:14:48,067
they'll be sucking
they Curly Wurlys noo,

312
00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:53,379
cos they've nae teeth left.

313
00:14:53,379 --> 00:14:56,004
Hello, Mr Ingram. What you after?

314
00:14:56,004 --> 00:14:59,010
Can I wait? I'm waiting on a...

315
00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:00,291
..um, on a...

316
00:15:00,292 --> 00:15:02,658
Are you on a date?Maybe.

317
00:15:02,658 --> 00:15:03,746
What's her name?

318
00:15:03,748 --> 00:15:05,346
Never you mind, baby Isa.

319
00:15:05,346 --> 00:15:07,331
A date in here?

320
00:15:07,331 --> 00:15:10,850
What's wrang wi' this place?
Well, it's a bit shite, innit?

321
00:15:10,850 --> 00:15:13,410
I'd go aff ma nut if ma Fergie
brought me in here.

322
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,460
Well, is there anything you can dae

323
00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:18,850
to make this place
more of a romantic setting?

324
00:15:18,850 --> 00:15:24,100
Aye.

325
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,532
Is that it, then?Aye.

326
00:15:26,532 --> 00:15:33,956
That's you ready for yer roll
and yer hole.

327
00:15:33,956 --> 00:15:36,004
Noreen.

328
00:15:36,004 --> 00:15:39,202
Winston.

329
00:15:39,202 --> 00:15:40,674
Lovely to meet you.

330
00:15:40,676 --> 00:15:44,836
It's lovely to meet you too.

331
00:15:44,836 --> 00:15:45,988
Can I get you a beverage?

332
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,716
What do you have?

333
00:15:47,716 --> 00:15:49,892
Coffee, tea or Bovril.

334
00:15:49,892 --> 00:15:52,580
I'll try a Bovril.

335
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:54,370
What aboot you, shagger?

336
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:57,315
Bovril!

337
00:15:57,316 --> 00:15:58,980
You look great.

338
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:00,649
Just what I expected.

339
00:16:00,649 --> 00:16:02,434
You look even better in person.

340
00:16:02,436 --> 00:16:04,548
Thank you.

341
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:06,211
So often you go out on these things

342
00:16:06,211 --> 00:16:08,130
and people have bummed themselves
up.

343
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:12,291
Ha! Aye. Wi' me,
what you see is what you get.

344
00:16:12,292 --> 00:16:15,940
It's better to be honest, isn't it?

345
00:16:15,940 --> 00:16:17,604
Eh... On that,

346
00:16:17,604 --> 00:16:20,932
I...I...I think it's important
to tell you that,

347
00:16:20,932 --> 00:16:22,082
in the next couple of weeks,

348
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,067
I'm going to have my remaining leg
took aff.

349
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,754
Oh, that's terrible.

350
00:16:26,754 --> 00:16:28,610
I'm so sorry to hear that.

351
00:16:28,610 --> 00:16:30,914
Well, that's good of you.

352
00:16:30,916 --> 00:16:32,899
I just wanted to be straight.

353
00:16:32,899 --> 00:16:35,586
And I appreciate that.

354
00:16:35,586 --> 00:16:37,572
I'm just going to powder my nose.

355
00:16:37,572 --> 00:16:41,154
Of course.

356
00:16:41,154 --> 00:16:43,010
You ready to order?

357
00:16:43,010 --> 00:16:45,634
Aye. Just a wee minute, hen.
She's just away to powder her nose.

358
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:52,610
Where's the powder room,
in that taxi?Eh?

359
00:16:52,610 --> 00:17:02,980
Dirty, shallow bastard.

360
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,858
ISA:I feel bad aboot this.

361
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,419
You're feeling bad aboot
creeping aboot looking for info,

362
00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:10,722
trying to get to the bottom
of a mystery?

363
00:17:10,722 --> 00:17:12,528
No, fair play.

364
00:17:12,528 --> 00:17:15,714
I'm lovin' ma life.

365
00:17:15,714 --> 00:17:17,507
What is it we're looking for?

366
00:17:17,508 --> 00:17:19,810
Anything. Clues. A document.

367
00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:27,747
Evidence.

368
00:17:27,748 --> 00:17:28,770
Where is everybody?

369
00:17:28,770 --> 00:17:31,076
I dunno.

370
00:17:31,076 --> 00:17:32,290
Bowls.

371
00:17:32,290 --> 00:17:36,644
Bingo.

372
00:17:36,644 --> 00:17:38,500
It's this creepy bastard.

373
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,328
He empties the place.

374
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,106
Another Dark Heart, please,

375
00:17:43,106 --> 00:17:45,220
and whatever Mr Ingram's having.

376
00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:49,250
Oh, large goldie, please.

377
00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:53,604
LOUDLY:Doesnae seem like
a creepy bastard to me, Boabby.

378
00:17:53,604 --> 00:17:55,010
Yer health, Mr Sheathing.

379
00:17:55,010 --> 00:17:56,355
And yours, Mr Ingram.

380
00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:58,914
So, how was your date?

381
00:17:58,914 --> 00:18:00,451
Good. Aye.

382
00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:03,714
We laughed, we chatted,

383
00:18:03,714 --> 00:18:05,891
and then 45 seconds later, she left.

384
00:18:05,892 --> 00:18:07,940
SNORTS

385
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:09,220
What went wrang?

386
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:12,674
I told her about ma leg
and she rubbed salt into the wound

387
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:15,234
by using her legs
to run outside and intae a taxi.

388
00:18:15,236 --> 00:18:17,284
CHUCKLING

389
00:18:17,284 --> 00:18:20,548
See? Truth gets ye naewhere.

390
00:18:20,548 --> 00:18:22,852
And you were laughing at me!

391
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:23,940
SCOFFS

392
00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:25,858
Everybody laughs at you, Boabby.

393
00:18:25,858 --> 00:18:29,634
See if you'd've swept some details
under the carpet,

394
00:18:29,634 --> 00:18:33,154
you might have been on the bones
right now.

395
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:38,596
Look, you stick to your game plan
and I'll stick to mine.

396
00:18:38,596 --> 00:18:41,930
DOOR OPENS

397
00:18:41,930 --> 00:18:43,394
Suzanne?

398
00:18:43,394 --> 00:18:44,932
No!

399
00:18:44,932 --> 00:18:49,412
LAUGHS

400
00:18:49,412 --> 00:18:51,971
Right, c'mon, boys.

401
00:18:51,971 --> 00:18:53,250
This is a wash-oot.

402
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:56,962
Haud on.

403
00:18:56,962 --> 00:18:59,088
ANSWERPHONE:Tuesday. 5pm.
BEEP

404
00:18:59,088 --> 00:19:03,682
TAM:Mr Sheathing,
I...I need to talk to you
aboot getting you squared up.

405
00:19:03,682 --> 00:19:05,474
Give me a phone.

406
00:19:05,476 --> 00:19:07,848
I say squared up,
I mean, I want a discount.

407
00:19:07,848 --> 00:19:09,634
What with me no bein'...

408
00:19:09,634 --> 00:19:14,692
...well, you know.
CLICK, BEEP

409
00:19:14,692 --> 00:19:17,250
FILM:I've got to tell you,
Mrs Johnson, it's not good.

410
00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:19,618
Your husband's going to spend
the rest of his life in a
wheelchair.

411
00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:23,971
We're removing both those legs
tonight.

412
00:19:23,971 --> 00:19:26,530
Listen. There's something
I havnae telt you.

413
00:19:26,530 --> 00:19:27,810
What is it?

414
00:19:27,810 --> 00:19:29,603
You know how I told you I've only
one leg?

415
00:19:29,604 --> 00:19:32,482
Uh-huh.
And I told you it doesnae bother me.

416
00:19:32,482 --> 00:19:36,451
Aye, and I appreciate that.

417
00:19:36,451 --> 00:19:38,564
But the other one's to come aff
shortly.

418
00:19:38,564 --> 00:19:41,762
Oh, my God!

419
00:19:41,762 --> 00:19:46,371
That's terrible.

420
00:19:46,372 --> 00:19:50,338
Would you like me to get you
some popcorn?

421
00:19:50,338 --> 00:19:56,355
SIGHS
Aye.

422
00:19:56,355 --> 00:20:04,548
Don't forget your coat.

423
00:20:04,548 --> 00:20:06,722
CLAMOURING

424
00:20:06,722 --> 00:20:09,666
Four pints, Boabby.

425
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:11,075
This is ridiculous.

426
00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:13,250
It's the last time I listen
to yous two.

427
00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:15,556
The bar's never been busier
and I'm losing money?!

428
00:20:15,556 --> 00:20:22,788
"Trust us, Boabby! If Tam's alive,
he'll no be able to resist this! "

429
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:25,538
Gie it another five minutes,
Boabby, eh?Aye, c'mon, Boabby.

430
00:20:25,538 --> 00:20:27,138
We've got to know for sure!

431
00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:34,692
Boabby! I'm trying tae
get a game of pool here!

432
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:36,482
Right!

433
00:20:36,482 --> 00:20:41,090
Every bastard oot.

434
00:20:41,092 --> 00:20:45,700
Get oot!

435
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:49,220
Gie's a carry-oot, Boabby.
There's £1 -

436
00:20:49,220 --> 00:20:52,740
that equals ten cans.

437
00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,084
Party's over.

438
00:20:54,084 --> 00:21:02,211
Sling yer hook!

439
00:21:02,211 --> 00:21:05,604
SIGHS
Well, pardon the pun,

440
00:21:05,604 --> 00:21:07,778
but that is the final nail
in the coffin.

441
00:21:07,778 --> 00:21:08,808
Aye.

442
00:21:08,808 --> 00:21:10,530
He's away.

443
00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:13,028
Well, you were right about
something, Isa.

444
00:21:13,028 --> 00:21:14,626
Grief does strange things.

445
00:21:14,626 --> 00:21:17,634
Aye, it does that, boys.

446
00:21:17,634 --> 00:21:21,604
Cannae take nae pleasure
in being right aboot that.

447
00:21:21,604 --> 00:21:23,010
BOABBY:Jack, Victor, Isa,

448
00:21:23,010 --> 00:21:34,019
you might want tae come and huv
a look at this.

449
00:21:34,019 --> 00:21:44,002
Look.

450
00:21:44,002 --> 00:21:46,884
Oh-ho-ho!

451
00:21:46,884 --> 00:21:48,170
VICTOR:Jesus Christ!

452
00:21:48,170 --> 00:22:00,002
Welcome back, Tam.

453
00:22:00,002 --> 00:22:02,500
This is it, son.

454
00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:05,188
Your last throw of the dice.

455
00:22:05,188 --> 00:22:07,875
Strike out here
and...you're retired.

456
00:22:07,875 --> 00:22:10,434
CLEARS THROAT

457
00:22:10,434 --> 00:22:12,994
Green coat? You must be Winnie.

458
00:22:12,996 --> 00:22:15,556
And you must be Winston.

459
00:22:15,556 --> 00:22:17,284
It's nice to meet you.

460
00:22:17,284 --> 00:22:20,996
So, gonnae sit yerself doon?

461
00:22:20,996 --> 00:22:23,940
Aye, I will in a minute. Eh...

462
00:22:23,940 --> 00:22:27,586
Listen, I've no been having
a great deal of success

463
00:22:27,586 --> 00:22:31,426
wi' this dating malarkey,
and...and I'll tell you for why.

464
00:22:31,428 --> 00:22:35,522
The day after tomorrow,
I...I'm going into the hospital

465
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:38,787
for an operation that's gonnae
put me in a wheelchair.

466
00:22:38,788 --> 00:22:42,756
So if ye want to walk away,
I'll no hold it against you.

467
00:22:42,756 --> 00:22:46,980
CHUCKLING:Well, that might be
a wee bit difficult.

468
00:22:46,980 --> 00:22:48,650
How's that?

469
00:22:48,650 --> 00:22:55,810
Because that chair
there belongs to me.

470
00:22:55,810 --> 00:22:58,692
THEY LAUGH

471
00:22:58,692 --> 00:23:00,420
Look...

472
00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:03,106
I know what you're gonnae say.

473
00:23:03,106 --> 00:23:06,115
"How would that work?
Two pensioners in chairs?"

474
00:23:06,115 --> 00:23:08,996
Well...aye.

475
00:23:08,996 --> 00:23:14,884
Well, I'll no hold it against you
if you leave.

476
00:23:14,884 --> 00:23:20,962
Thanks, Winnie.

477
00:23:20,962 --> 00:23:23,010
It was lovely meeting you.

478
00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:24,932
Good luck wi' it.

479
00:23:24,932 --> 00:23:28,002
And do you have a good wee network
of friends round about you?

480
00:23:28,002 --> 00:23:29,474
Oh, aye, aye.

481
00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:49,250
They're always there to dig you out.

482
00:23:49,250 --> 00:23:51,682
Mrs Drennan,
what is it that we're doing here?

483
00:23:51,682 --> 00:23:53,220
I was watching A Place In The Sun.

484
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:59,618
You'll see in a minute,
ya wee black-hearted twister, ye!

485
00:23:59,618 --> 00:24:01,489
Mrs Drennan,
you're actually frightening me now.

486
00:24:01,490 --> 00:24:02,692
Oh!
CHUCKLES

487
00:24:02,692 --> 00:24:04,290
That's funny, in't it?

488
00:24:04,290 --> 00:24:07,298
Me and the undertaker
walking through the graveyard,

489
00:24:07,298 --> 00:24:10,050
and it's you that's
shiteing yourself!

490
00:24:10,050 --> 00:24:16,848
Just a little further.

491
00:24:16,848 --> 00:24:19,267
OWL HOOTS

492
00:24:19,268 --> 00:24:21,892
Evening, Mr Sheathing.

493
00:24:21,892 --> 00:24:24,644
What's the meaning of this?

494
00:24:24,644 --> 00:24:27,586
Oh, look at that, Victor.
Making oot as if he doesnae know
what's happening!

495
00:24:27,586 --> 00:24:28,866
About what?

496
00:24:28,866 --> 00:24:33,730
We are of the belief that were
we to dig this grave six feet,

497
00:24:33,730 --> 00:24:37,378
we'd find nothing but an empty box.

498
00:24:37,380 --> 00:24:40,962
If you were to dig this grave,
you would find not only your friend,

499
00:24:40,962 --> 00:24:43,460
but yourselves in police custody -

500
00:24:43,460 --> 00:24:44,996
for desecration.

501
00:24:44,996 --> 00:24:49,092
Good words, ya lanky, Sinestro,
Pale Rider bastard.

502
00:24:49,092 --> 00:24:53,250
This crime we're committing pales
into insignificance against yours.

503
00:24:53,250 --> 00:24:55,810
You faked the death o' oor pal.

504
00:24:55,810 --> 00:24:57,666
That's worse than discretion.

505
00:24:57,666 --> 00:24:59,651
Desecration, Jack.
What did I say?

506
00:24:59,652 --> 00:25:02,788
Discretion.
By all means, gentlemen,

507
00:25:02,788 --> 00:25:05,730
satisfy your curiosity.

508
00:25:05,730 --> 00:25:11,690
But make no mistake -
you'll be digging your own graves.

509
00:25:11,690 --> 00:25:16,368
Shut up.

510
00:25:16,368 --> 00:25:18,530
Ready, Jack?Oh, aye.

511
00:25:18,530 --> 00:25:21,090
Ready, Victor.

512
00:25:21,092 --> 00:25:23,332
Stop!

513
00:25:23,332 --> 00:25:25,316
You win.

514
00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:45,796
Where's Tam?

515
00:25:45,796 --> 00:25:47,210
I've died, right?

516
00:25:47,210 --> 00:25:49,124
You're still with us.

517
00:25:49,124 --> 00:25:52,067
As am I.

518
00:25:52,067 --> 00:25:53,474
Hello, Winston.

519
00:25:53,476 --> 00:25:56,036
Frances, hen,
are you seeing what I'm seeing?

520
00:25:56,036 --> 00:25:58,608
I am.

521
00:25:58,608 --> 00:26:01,795
But I want you to know,
this wasnae my idea.

522
00:26:01,796 --> 00:26:03,332
Naw.

523
00:26:03,332 --> 00:26:04,932
Naw, it was my idea.

524
00:26:04,932 --> 00:26:07,368
To do what?

525
00:26:07,368 --> 00:26:08,515
Hello, Tam.

526
00:26:08,516 --> 00:26:10,050
To fake his ain death.

527
00:26:10,050 --> 00:26:11,971
Why would ye dae that?

528
00:26:11,971 --> 00:26:14,084
Well, I...did it for you.

529
00:26:14,084 --> 00:26:17,154
I looked oot my insurance policy.

530
00:26:17,154 --> 00:26:19,076
23 grand.

531
00:26:19,076 --> 00:26:21,570
Gonnae be enough
to send you to Switzerland.

532
00:26:21,570 --> 00:26:24,194
I'm no goin' to Switzerland!

533
00:26:24,194 --> 00:26:27,010
I know what they dae tae pensioners
in they Swiss hotels.

534
00:26:27,010 --> 00:26:29,442
Boiled egg for breakfast
and a bullet for lunch.

535
00:26:29,442 --> 00:26:31,810
It's only my leg, for Christ's sake!

536
00:26:31,810 --> 00:26:34,883
Which you'll be keeping.
Thanks to that money.

537
00:26:34,884 --> 00:26:42,756
Frances?

538
00:26:42,756 --> 00:26:46,914
Naw. You put us all
through the mill.

539
00:26:46,914 --> 00:26:50,115
Well, I didnae really have
any other option, did I?

540
00:26:50,115 --> 00:26:52,740
Just take the bloody money, Winston.

541
00:26:52,740 --> 00:26:54,596
I'm deid noo, anyhow.

542
00:26:54,596 --> 00:26:56,324
Oh, aye. And how ye gonnae fix that?

543
00:26:56,324 --> 00:26:58,307
I suppose for a period of time

544
00:26:58,307 --> 00:27:00,355
you'll need to call me...Gerald,

545
00:27:00,355 --> 00:27:01,826
or something. No, no.

546
00:27:01,826 --> 00:27:04,067
Do you know what I've always
fancied?

547
00:27:04,067 --> 00:27:05,412
Clint.

548
00:27:05,412 --> 00:27:08,163
Or Dick, maybe?

549
00:27:08,163 --> 00:27:12,324
Well, here's the bad news,
Clint, Gerald, Dick.

550
00:27:12,324 --> 00:27:14,372
I'm no daein' it.

551
00:27:14,372 --> 00:27:15,652
I'm a Labour man.

552
00:27:15,652 --> 00:27:18,530
I worked all ma days on the Clyde.

553
00:27:18,530 --> 00:27:21,603
If the leg's coming aff, it's coming
aff. I'm no queue-jumping.

554
00:27:21,604 --> 00:27:23,202
You're no jumping any queues.

555
00:27:23,202 --> 00:27:24,482
You're next in the queue.

556
00:27:24,482 --> 00:27:27,364
You're goin' doon to that theatre
the morrow to get that whipped off.

557
00:27:27,364 --> 00:27:29,730
That cheque there
is your passport to savin' that leg.

558
00:27:29,730 --> 00:27:30,946
Jack's right.

559
00:27:30,948 --> 00:27:32,228
I mean, this silly bastard's

560
00:27:32,228 --> 00:27:35,568
gone to ridiculous lengths
to obtain that money.

561
00:27:35,568 --> 00:27:37,090
Take it.

562
00:27:37,092 --> 00:27:45,284
Get yourself to Switzerland,
and get that leg kept.

563
00:27:45,284 --> 00:27:46,564
Jack.

564
00:27:46,564 --> 00:27:47,714
Aye.

565
00:27:47,714 --> 00:27:49,378
See that sign up there?

566
00:27:49,380 --> 00:27:50,722
Uh-huh.

567
00:27:50,722 --> 00:28:26,563
Want tae rip it doon
and get me a fish supper?

568
00:28:26,564 --> 00:28:27,906
CHUCKLING

569
00:28:27,906 --> 00:28:31,171
Green coat? You must be Winnie.

570
00:28:31,172 --> 00:28:32,962
I am indeed.

571
00:28:32,962 --> 00:28:35,010
And you must be Winston.

572
00:28:35,010 --> 00:28:39,298
Winston and Winnie.
It's good that, in't it?

573
00:28:39,298 --> 00:28:42,115
I got you a gift...Oh!

574
00:28:42,115 --> 00:28:43,778
..fae Switzerland.

575
00:28:43,778 --> 00:28:46,914
GASPS
What is it?

576
00:28:46,914 --> 00:28:50,692
What else could it be?

577
00:28:50,692 --> 00:28:51,652
Oh!