1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,003
This programme contains adult humour

2
00:00:36,088 --> 00:00:39,003
I seen Winston earlier.

3
00:00:39,003 --> 00:00:40,070
Oh, did ye?

4
00:00:40,072 --> 00:00:42,084
Was he with his good lady companion?

5
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:45,042
CHUCKLES
He was!

6
00:00:45,042 --> 00:00:47,094
That's a couple of months noo.
Aye, aye.

7
00:00:47,094 --> 00:00:49,042
They're a good couple, aren't they?

8
00:00:49,042 --> 00:00:52,000
Aye, they're a nice match.

9
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,048
Did you get the rolls?
Did I get the rolls?!

10
00:00:55,048 --> 00:00:58,079
Does a bear take a big honking fetid
crap in the woods?

11
00:01:00,008 --> 00:01:01,064
I'm no' sure I'm wantin' a roll noo.

12
00:01:01,064 --> 00:01:03,008
Me neither, oddly.

13
00:01:03,008 --> 00:01:05,043
FOOTSTEPS

14
00:01:05,043 --> 00:01:07,012
Andy Forrester?Andy!

15
00:01:08,078 --> 00:01:10,084
Hello, Jack, Victor.

16
00:01:10,084 --> 00:01:12,055
No' seen you for the longest time.

17
00:01:12,055 --> 00:01:14,084
Are you still working
in the People's Palace?

18
00:01:14,084 --> 00:01:16,063
Aye. That's 30 year.

19
00:01:16,063 --> 00:01:20,022
Of course, I'm the curator there
now.

20
00:01:20,024 --> 00:01:21,084
Oh, Andy Forrester, Curator.

21
00:01:21,084 --> 00:01:23,066
LAUGHS
You've climbed high.

22
00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:26,012
Uh-huh.
What is a curator?

23
00:01:26,012 --> 00:01:28,052
Forgive my friend, Andy.

24
00:01:28,052 --> 00:01:30,024
His ignorance knows no bounds.

25
00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:32,072
Awright, then, smart arse,
what is a curator?

26
00:01:32,072 --> 00:01:34,000
Well, he...

27
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,031
..he cures things and that, you
know.

28
00:01:36,031 --> 00:01:38,012
Generally...curating.

29
00:01:38,012 --> 00:01:41,036
For the museum.
In his capacity as...curator.

30
00:01:41,036 --> 00:01:44,063
You don't know what it is either,
do you? Naw.Naw.

31
00:01:44,063 --> 00:01:49,000
Andy, would you care to enlighten
my dim-witted friend and myself?

32
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:53,007
The curator deals
with the acquisition of items

33
00:01:53,007 --> 00:01:54,048
throughout the country

34
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:58,016
that would be of interest or
importance to the viewing public.

35
00:01:58,016 --> 00:02:00,060
Very impressive, aye.

36
00:02:00,060 --> 00:02:02,048
See when the place is shut,

37
00:02:02,048 --> 00:02:05,052
you know, like that Night At The
Museum, do you run aboot daft?

38
00:02:05,052 --> 00:02:07,007
Aye, do you ever lock up at night

39
00:02:07,007 --> 00:02:10,024
and run aboot in Billy Connolly's
big banana boots?

40
00:02:10,024 --> 00:02:11,026
No.

41
00:02:11,026 --> 00:02:12,084
Those boots are a national treasure!

42
00:02:12,084 --> 00:02:14,072
Right you are, OK.
Aye, very good.

43
00:02:14,072 --> 00:02:17,008
Well, I must be going.

44
00:02:17,008 --> 00:02:19,080
Unlike your good selves,
I can't afford myself the luxury

45
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,096
of sitting around
doing nothing in a park all day.

46
00:02:21,096 --> 00:02:24,056
Well, aye,
it was good to see you anyway, Andy.

47
00:02:24,056 --> 00:02:26,051
Aw the best.

48
00:02:29,068 --> 00:02:33,036
Christ, bit of a snooty bastard,
him, wasn't he?

49
00:02:33,036 --> 00:02:35,008
He used to be a good laugh tae.

50
00:02:35,008 --> 00:02:37,048
That was a right boot in the balls
at the end there he gave us,

51
00:02:37,048 --> 00:02:38,096
was it no'?What?

52
00:02:38,096 --> 00:02:41,038
"Well, unlike you,
I can't afford myself the luxury

53
00:02:41,038 --> 00:02:43,067
"of hingin' aboot in a park,
daein' nothin'."

54
00:02:43,068 --> 00:02:45,056
That was directed at us!

55
00:02:45,056 --> 00:02:48,048
Cheeky, lofty, curating-faced
bastard!

56
00:02:48,048 --> 00:02:49,092
What are we doing?

57
00:02:50,092 --> 00:02:52,012
Eh, nothin'.

58
00:02:57,096 --> 00:02:59,092
What have ye got?

59
00:02:59,092 --> 00:03:01,072
Chopper Fantasy.

60
00:03:01,072 --> 00:03:03,044
Ooft. 40 to 1?

61
00:03:03,044 --> 00:03:05,048
And it doesnae even like soft
ground.

62
00:03:05,048 --> 00:03:09,002
Chopper? I think you're fantasising!

63
00:03:09,002 --> 00:03:11,072
Naw, it's no' aboot the nags for me.

64
00:03:11,072 --> 00:03:14,080
You see, in this establishment,
I'm drawn to the outsiders.

65
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:18,074
Because on the rare occasion
that one of these horses comes in,

66
00:03:18,074 --> 00:03:21,062
I get a chance to put a look
on that man's face

67
00:03:21,062 --> 00:03:24,096
like he's just been shot
through the foreheid wi' an arrow,

68
00:03:24,096 --> 00:03:27,026
only to find a tax bill attached.

69
00:03:27,026 --> 00:03:30,055
And it's worth
every crumpled-up bookie's slip

70
00:03:30,056 --> 00:03:32,014
waiting on that tae happen.

71
00:03:32,014 --> 00:03:33,091
TV:Here they come to the finish.

72
00:03:33,092 --> 00:03:36,044
And it's Chopper Fantasy by
a nose!Yes!

73
00:03:36,044 --> 00:03:38,056
LAUGHS

74
00:03:38,056 --> 00:03:41,002
Oh, come on, Winnie, my love.

75
00:03:41,002 --> 00:03:42,031
Tax bill time!

76
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,062
SMACKS LIPS
Hello, Stevie.

77
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:50,060
Hello, Winston.

78
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:52,050
This is my lady friend, Winnie.

79
00:03:52,050 --> 00:03:54,079
Hello, Winnie.
Hello.

80
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:57,056
Welcome to my bookie's shop
establishment.

81
00:03:57,056 --> 00:04:00,026
Yes, blah-blah-blah,
down to business.

82
00:04:00,026 --> 00:04:03,086
Now, it's funny that my lady
companion should be called Winnie,

83
00:04:03,086 --> 00:04:05,060
because as fate would have it,

84
00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:08,000
I myself have had a wee winnie.

85
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,084
THEY LAUGH

86
00:04:15,048 --> 00:04:16,096
£10.

87
00:04:16,096 --> 00:04:18,028
40 to 1.

88
00:04:18,028 --> 00:04:21,067
That's £410

89
00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:24,074
from your bookie's shop
establishment till.

90
00:04:24,076 --> 00:04:27,043
Of course.

91
00:04:27,043 --> 00:04:29,072
That's how it works.

92
00:04:29,072 --> 00:04:31,052
Hooray.

93
00:04:31,052 --> 00:04:33,004
CHUCKLES

94
00:04:33,004 --> 00:04:36,091
And you, my dear, are tasked with
finding us somewhere nice for lunch.

95
00:04:36,091 --> 00:04:38,002
Oh!

96
00:04:38,004 --> 00:04:39,019
Nothing cheap, mind.

97
00:04:39,019 --> 00:04:41,024
White Dove Bistro?

98
00:04:41,024 --> 00:04:42,084
Oh, yes!

99
00:04:42,084 --> 00:04:45,007
O-ho-ho.

100
00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:47,060
Always a pleasure, Stevie.

101
00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:50,040
Any time. Hurry back now.

102
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,043
He seems like a lovely fella.

103
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:55,019
You said he was a black-hearted,
torn-faced wanker!

104
00:04:57,012 --> 00:04:59,007
WINSTON: Ho-ho-ho-ho!

105
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,014
Would you like anything else
to drink at all?

106
00:05:01,016 --> 00:05:02,055
Whatever the lady wants.

107
00:05:02,055 --> 00:05:04,050
Oh, no, nothing for me, thanks.

108
00:05:04,052 --> 00:05:05,079
I'm driving.

109
00:05:05,079 --> 00:05:08,007
LAUGHS

110
00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:10,007
I've never had lobster before.

111
00:05:10,007 --> 00:05:12,024
I dunno whether to eat it
or start fighting it.

112
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:18,088
Oh, I've had it everywhere.
America, Canada, oh, Seychelles.

113
00:05:18,088 --> 00:05:21,004
You were very well travelled,
weren't you?

114
00:05:21,004 --> 00:05:23,067
Aye. But after John died, then
this...

115
00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:25,048
But you don't need all that.

116
00:05:25,048 --> 00:05:29,016
At the end of the day, you
cannae beat a good bit of company.

117
00:05:29,016 --> 00:05:30,067
Aye, well,

118
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:33,026
I'll have a wee look roond
and see if I can find some for you.

119
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:35,004
Oh, yeah!
LAUGHS

120
00:05:35,004 --> 00:05:37,040
See these last couple of months,
Winnie?

121
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:38,060
Uh-huh?

122
00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:41,000
They've been the best couple of
months I've had in...

123
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,096
SIGHS
..years.

124
00:05:42,096 --> 00:05:44,091
Me too, Winston.

125
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:53,040
A strange creature, the lobster,
in't it?

126
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:58,028
Look at that -
the red body and the big red heid.

127
00:05:58,028 --> 00:06:01,052
If I'm bein' honest,
I don't see the attraction.

128
00:06:01,052 --> 00:06:03,091
GIGGLES
I do.

129
00:06:06,060 --> 00:06:08,043
WINSTON LAUGHS

130
00:06:08,043 --> 00:06:09,072
Right enough.

131
00:06:09,072 --> 00:06:11,067
Will you marry me?

132
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,031
What?!
LOBSTER CRACKS

133
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:20,084
Oh, there he is! Love's auld dream!

134
00:06:20,084 --> 00:06:23,007
Two goldies, please, Boabby.

135
00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:24,096
Right, what's the matter wi' your
face?

136
00:06:24,096 --> 00:06:26,060
I asked Winnie to marry me.

137
00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:28,060
Aww.

138
00:06:28,060 --> 00:06:30,064
Got a knock-back, yeah?

139
00:06:30,064 --> 00:06:32,060
The old KB.

140
00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:35,055
The old knocko-backo.

141
00:06:36,072 --> 00:06:37,088
Here.

142
00:06:37,088 --> 00:06:39,072
Drown yer sorrows.

143
00:06:40,079 --> 00:06:42,026
Here's one on me.

144
00:06:48,048 --> 00:06:49,076
She said yes.

145
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:52,086
So here's one on you.

146
00:06:54,055 --> 00:06:57,007
Oh! Look at you, Boabby,
yer soakin'!

147
00:06:57,007 --> 00:07:00,019
The old SF, the old soako face-o!

148
00:07:01,024 --> 00:07:03,024
Good for you, Winston.
She's brilliant.

149
00:07:03,024 --> 00:07:04,052
Aye.

150
00:07:04,052 --> 00:07:06,052
Ten days' time.

151
00:07:06,052 --> 00:07:09,000
Well, that's quite quick.
What, is she pregnant?

152
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,036
I'll knock you out.

153
00:07:14,019 --> 00:07:16,031
Nae point in wasting time at oor
age.

154
00:07:16,031 --> 00:07:17,062
Oh, quite right.

155
00:07:19,016 --> 00:07:20,072
So why's your face trippin' ye?

156
00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:24,000
Well, I've pumped Stevie
for 410 quid...

157
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,024
Is that yer going rate, aye?

158
00:07:25,024 --> 00:07:27,064
Shut up, you, or you'll be wearing
the pint an' all.

159
00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:31,002
So I came oot the bookie's,
and I'm feeling like Samson...

160
00:07:31,004 --> 00:07:33,024
Who, Willie Sampson
with the neck lump and the breath?

161
00:07:33,024 --> 00:07:35,055
No, Samson oot the Bible!

162
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,048
BOTH: Oh.

163
00:07:37,048 --> 00:07:39,019
So I've a big pocket full of money,
right?

164
00:07:39,019 --> 00:07:41,072
And I take her for lunch
and I ask her to marry me.

165
00:07:41,072 --> 00:07:43,048
And she says aye.

166
00:07:43,048 --> 00:07:45,064
But you need to remember, she's...

167
00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:48,067
..she's travelled the whole world
before her man died.

168
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,086
And Christ knows
I cannae compete wi' that!

169
00:07:50,088 --> 00:07:53,048
So what did you dae?
I tried to compete with that.

170
00:07:54,076 --> 00:07:57,072
I had a few drinks in me, and I
started to promise her the earth.

171
00:07:57,072 --> 00:07:58,088
Such as?

172
00:07:58,088 --> 00:08:01,084
Eh, "I'll gie you the best day
of your life."

173
00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:07,004
And a band, and flowers,
and the whole shootin' match.

174
00:08:07,004 --> 00:08:09,024
What did ye dae that for,
you silly old bastard?

175
00:08:09,024 --> 00:08:13,088
Who am I kidding
asking anybody to marry me?

176
00:08:13,088 --> 00:08:16,036
What have I got to offer anybody?

177
00:08:16,036 --> 00:08:17,040
Nothin'.

178
00:08:25,048 --> 00:08:27,064
He's got himself in a hole, in't he?

179
00:08:27,064 --> 00:08:29,024
Aye, it's a bloody liberty, that.

180
00:08:29,024 --> 00:08:31,000
He never gets an even break,
does he?

181
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,032
I mean, what's supposed to be
the happiest day in his life

182
00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:35,082
has ended up bein' a sore heid
for him.

183
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:38,062
Well, I could dae him a deal
on a wedding reception in here.

184
00:08:38,062 --> 00:08:41,006
He said he wanted to gie her
a day to remember.

185
00:08:41,008 --> 00:08:44,034
The only thing she'd remember about
coming in here is getting dysentery.

186
00:08:44,034 --> 00:08:46,075
I'm only trying tae help.

187
00:08:46,076 --> 00:08:49,011
Where could you have
a wedding to remember?

188
00:08:51,028 --> 00:08:53,024
Andy Forrester.

189
00:08:53,024 --> 00:08:54,080
Creator.

190
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,038
Curator, Jack.

191
00:08:56,038 --> 00:08:58,051
What did I say?
Creator.

192
00:08:58,052 --> 00:09:01,067
Oh, aye. Anyway,
we'll take care of the venue.

193
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:03,028
All right, then.

194
00:09:03,028 --> 00:09:05,019
I can take care of the band.

195
00:09:05,019 --> 00:09:06,038
How's that?

196
00:09:06,038 --> 00:09:09,054
Well, I was a bouncer at QM Union
at Glasgow Uni back in the day.

197
00:09:09,056 --> 00:09:12,000
I met all the bands.

198
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,052
Still got their numbers in my black
book.

199
00:09:14,052 --> 00:09:19,086
I was hangin' wi' Jim Kerr,
Midge Ure, Proclaimers.

200
00:09:19,086 --> 00:09:21,019
Garbage.

201
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:23,058
I think The Proclaimers are quite
good!

202
00:09:25,024 --> 00:09:27,043
I even hung out wi' Kurt Cobain.

203
00:09:27,043 --> 00:09:29,062
Is that why he shot hisself?

204
00:09:36,019 --> 00:09:40,058
Right, son, just go in there
and tell her straight.

205
00:09:40,058 --> 00:09:44,034
"I love you,
but I don't have a pot to piss in.

206
00:09:44,034 --> 00:09:47,006
"I'm a potless dick."

207
00:09:47,008 --> 00:09:48,072
DOORBELL RINGS

208
00:09:48,072 --> 00:09:51,048
Come in! It's open!

209
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:57,003
Ah, there he is.

210
00:09:57,004 --> 00:10:00,052
Oh, they are beautiful.

211
00:10:03,024 --> 00:10:05,000
Now, Winnie...

212
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,058
Uh-huh?
I've got something

213
00:10:06,058 --> 00:10:08,024
very important to tell you.

214
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:11,019
Would it go better with a glass
of bubbly?

215
00:10:11,019 --> 00:10:13,004
I think so.

216
00:10:13,004 --> 00:10:14,058
Do me the honours.

217
00:10:14,058 --> 00:10:18,014
And, Winston, we never spoke
about rings.

218
00:10:18,014 --> 00:10:21,091
Now, I don't want anything fancy.

219
00:10:21,091 --> 00:10:23,082
Excellent!

220
00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:25,075
Because...

221
00:10:25,076 --> 00:10:28,024
..that will leave us more
for the honeymoon!

222
00:10:28,024 --> 00:10:29,096
Oh! Oh, brilliant!

223
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,076
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

224
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:36,000
UNDER HIS BREATH
Ya potless dick!

225
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,032
CORK POPS

226
00:10:37,032 --> 00:10:39,008
Ooh!

227
00:10:39,008 --> 00:10:41,014
So Jack and Victor know the high
heid yin

228
00:10:41,014 --> 00:10:43,000
that works at the People's Palace.

229
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,010
And?

230
00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:46,078
And they dae weddings in there!

231
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:51,056
A freebie? Ooh, you've started
a wee party in my basement!

232
00:10:51,056 --> 00:10:55,019
Boabby's gonnae organise
some big fancy singer.

233
00:10:55,019 --> 00:10:57,078
And what are yous two daein'?
Grub and flowers.

234
00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,072
But that leaves me nothin'.

235
00:10:59,072 --> 00:11:01,080
Well, are you no' the best man?

236
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,010
Aye.

237
00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,058
But he doesnae want a stag.

238
00:11:04,058 --> 00:11:06,043
He says he's doon
a big enough hole already.

239
00:11:06,043 --> 00:11:07,082
Aye.

240
00:11:07,082 --> 00:11:09,027
Let me dae the flowers.

241
00:11:09,028 --> 00:11:10,056
BOTH: Naw.

242
00:11:10,056 --> 00:11:13,056
How?Because you'll make
a roaring calamity of it?

243
00:11:13,056 --> 00:11:15,008
I will not!

244
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,010
Aye, ye will.

245
00:11:16,010 --> 00:11:19,000
When was the last time
you bought Frances flowers?

246
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,072
Frances doesnae need any flowers.

247
00:11:20,072 --> 00:11:22,052
She's got a perfectly good window
box.

248
00:11:22,052 --> 00:11:25,067
How much does
a bouquet of flowers cost, Tam?

249
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:27,067
Five...

250
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,082
..pence.

251
00:11:28,082 --> 00:11:30,058
A flower?

252
00:11:30,058 --> 00:11:32,034
What, 50p?

253
00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:34,095
Tell me that's for a bunch.

254
00:11:34,096 --> 00:11:38,028
Mair? Behave yourselves noo!

255
00:11:38,028 --> 00:11:42,076
Anyway, it doesnae matter what they
cost,

256
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:47,067
because Winston...is my friend.

257
00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,048
Tam.

258
00:11:49,048 --> 00:11:50,076
Isa?

259
00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:53,091
Roll and sausage and
two cups of tea.

260
00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:00,056
Oh, there they are.

261
00:12:00,056 --> 00:12:02,080
The big man's boots.

262
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,034
That is Glasgow's ruby slippers.

263
00:12:05,034 --> 00:12:07,014
Can I help you, boys?

264
00:12:07,014 --> 00:12:09,075
Yes, we'd like to have a word
with Mr Forrester.

265
00:12:11,028 --> 00:12:12,091
The curator?

266
00:12:12,091 --> 00:12:15,052
LAUGHS
Mr Forrester?

267
00:12:15,052 --> 00:12:17,010
What was it you called him again?

268
00:12:17,010 --> 00:12:18,047
The curator.

269
00:12:21,056 --> 00:12:24,008
Am I saying that right?
Aye, aye.

270
00:12:24,008 --> 00:12:26,086
Well, what's this bastard
laughin' at?

271
00:12:26,086 --> 00:12:30,043
LAUGHING
He's back there in his office,

272
00:12:30,043 --> 00:12:32,028
up tae his eyes in the curating.

273
00:12:32,028 --> 00:12:35,015
Curator!
LAUGHS

274
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,032
SECURITY GUARD:Oh!

275
00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:58,075
CLEARS THROAT

276
00:12:58,076 --> 00:13:00,000
Oh!

277
00:13:03,008 --> 00:13:05,052
Well...

278
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:08,000
This is a lovely office you have
here, Andy.

279
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,086
Ouch ya!

280
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:14,034
Thank you. Bye-bye.Bye.

281
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:17,075
Hi, Clare.Hello.

282
00:13:17,076 --> 00:13:19,072
It's good to see you again.

283
00:13:19,072 --> 00:13:21,082
Again? Did we meet before?

284
00:13:21,082 --> 00:13:24,062
Boabby the bouncer? QM Union?

285
00:13:24,062 --> 00:13:26,075
Back in the day.

286
00:13:26,076 --> 00:13:30,052
You had that wee nickname for me?

287
00:13:30,052 --> 00:13:32,015
Remind me.

288
00:13:33,072 --> 00:13:35,008
I said to you,

289
00:13:35,008 --> 00:13:39,038
"Are you gonnae be singing,
# Happy Birthday # the night?"

290
00:13:39,038 --> 00:13:43,019
And you, quick as a flash, said,
"Shut up, ya wanker!"

291
00:13:45,082 --> 00:13:47,091
Boabby the Wanker.

292
00:13:47,091 --> 00:13:49,004
Right.

293
00:13:49,004 --> 00:13:50,096
Do you want me to sign this for you?

294
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:53,082
No. I was back there
when it was all happening.

295
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:56,003
I don't need to read aboot it.

296
00:13:56,004 --> 00:13:57,052
Anyway, the book's £18.

297
00:13:57,052 --> 00:13:59,067
What it was was, I was wondering

298
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:02,091
if you could do a favour
for your old pal...

299
00:14:04,008 --> 00:14:07,024
..Boabby the Wanker, hm?

300
00:14:08,028 --> 00:14:09,072
Oh!

301
00:14:16,024 --> 00:14:19,043
See all these acquisitions
that you were telling us aboot?

302
00:14:19,043 --> 00:14:22,028
Did you have to acquire
this bottle of bleach?

303
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,034
Shut up.

304
00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:27,062
What can I say, boys?
Caught bumming my chat.

305
00:14:27,062 --> 00:14:30,014
Aye, and sniffy with it, you were.

306
00:14:30,014 --> 00:14:31,086
You fooled us with the suit.

307
00:14:31,086 --> 00:14:33,048
Naw, I was going to court.

308
00:14:34,058 --> 00:14:37,054
My boy bit a fella's finger off
ootside a dance hall.

309
00:14:37,056 --> 00:14:39,072
Oh, court, aye.

310
00:14:39,072 --> 00:14:40,086
What did he get?

311
00:14:40,086 --> 00:14:42,076
I'm pretty sure it was that one.

312
00:14:44,058 --> 00:14:47,054
So what can I do for you?

313
00:14:47,056 --> 00:14:49,008
Very little, it turns oot.

314
00:14:49,008 --> 00:14:50,096
Unless you want to come round our
hooses

315
00:14:50,096 --> 00:14:52,091
and rattle round our kitchens
with a mop!

316
00:14:54,056 --> 00:14:58,000
No, we were gonnae ask you, you
know, in your capacity as big shot,

317
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,019
if you could do us a turn and let
us use this place for a wedding.

318
00:15:01,019 --> 00:15:03,078
This place costs a fortune.
Anyway, it's fully booked.

319
00:15:06,019 --> 00:15:07,067
Haud on a minute.

320
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:11,043
I might be able to do something for
you. Could this wedding

321
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:13,024
take place at night?

322
00:15:13,024 --> 00:15:15,082
JANGLES KEYS

323
00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:23,032
Hello, Tam.

324
00:15:23,032 --> 00:15:25,024
Peggy! What are you daein' here?

325
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:27,043
Nice to see you too, Tam.

326
00:15:27,043 --> 00:15:30,000
How are you and Isa getting on
with the food?

327
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,004
Good.

328
00:15:31,004 --> 00:15:33,014
How are you getting on
with the flowers?

329
00:15:33,014 --> 00:15:34,043
Good.

330
00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:36,034
Getting a few ideas.

331
00:15:36,034 --> 00:15:39,082
Is that one of your ideas there,
Tam?

332
00:15:41,019 --> 00:15:42,082
Defile poor...

333
00:15:45,014 --> 00:15:47,014
..poor Patch's shrine?

334
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,014
What do you take me for?

335
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:51,006
Forgive me, Tam.

336
00:15:51,008 --> 00:15:52,087
Oh, I'll try.

337
00:15:53,091 --> 00:15:55,010
I'm going this way.

338
00:15:55,010 --> 00:15:56,071
I'm going that way.

339
00:15:56,072 --> 00:15:58,024
You first, then.

340
00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:03,056
Right.

341
00:16:18,038 --> 00:16:20,028
Ooft.

342
00:16:20,028 --> 00:16:23,014
What's the matter with you, smiler?

343
00:16:23,014 --> 00:16:26,010
Och, I've blown my last 20 quid
on a 100-to-1 donkey at Stevie's.

344
00:16:26,010 --> 00:16:27,086
I'm gubbed.

345
00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:29,048
Screwed. Shafted.

346
00:16:29,048 --> 00:16:30,056
Pumped.

347
00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:33,038
My paddle's away and I've popped
into Shit Creek for a pack of Polos.

348
00:16:33,038 --> 00:16:35,062
Oh, slow down.

349
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:39,004
Before you throw yourself aff
a bridge, we have some news.

350
00:16:39,004 --> 00:16:42,056
Let me guess. You've won five grand
on a scratchcard, and you're gonnae

351
00:16:42,056 --> 00:16:45,024
gie it all to me to pay
for a wedding that I cannae have?

352
00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:47,076
Close, but naw.
We've organised everything for you.

353
00:16:47,076 --> 00:16:50,048
Everything.We've got a pal in the
People's Palace.

354
00:16:50,048 --> 00:16:53,008
He's gonnae let us use it as a venue
for your wedding.

355
00:16:53,008 --> 00:16:54,038
Wow!

356
00:16:54,038 --> 00:16:55,062
Boabby's getting you a band.

357
00:16:55,062 --> 00:16:56,075
Nae way!

358
00:16:56,076 --> 00:16:59,032
Peggy and Isa are gonnae dae the
food.I don't know what tae say.

359
00:16:59,032 --> 00:17:00,080
And Tam's daein' yer flowers.

360
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,000
Aye, that might need a bit of
workin' on,

361
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,030
but everything else sounds amazing.

362
00:17:05,030 --> 00:17:06,083
You know what? Thank you.

363
00:17:06,084 --> 00:17:08,056
I mean, really.

364
00:17:08,056 --> 00:17:11,008
It's at times like this
you know who your pals are, innit?

365
00:17:11,008 --> 00:17:12,076
I'm flabbergasted.

366
00:17:12,076 --> 00:17:14,056
I'm blown away.

367
00:17:16,044 --> 00:17:18,022
Here, you couldnae rustle us up
a honeymoon

368
00:17:18,022 --> 00:17:19,050
while you're at it, could you?

369
00:17:20,076 --> 00:17:22,058
It's no' boxer shorts you're
needing,

370
00:17:22,058 --> 00:17:25,038
it's a bin liner for the baws on
you. Honeymoon, by Christ.

371
00:17:25,038 --> 00:17:28,042
Where would you care to go? Name
your destination. The Seychelles?!

372
00:17:28,044 --> 00:17:29,064
The Orient Express?

373
00:17:29,064 --> 00:17:31,050
India?
Aye.

374
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,022
I'm sorry, you're right enough.
I-I don't know what I was thinking.

375
00:17:34,022 --> 00:17:36,035
No, I'm saying,
would you like to go to India?

376
00:17:36,036 --> 00:17:38,011
Because I can sort that.

377
00:17:44,092 --> 00:17:46,086
MAN: Hello?

378
00:17:46,086 --> 00:17:50,076
DEEP VOICE:Hello, I'm wanting
to speak to Midge Ure.

379
00:17:50,076 --> 00:17:52,038
This is he.

380
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:55,070
No way! Midge! How are you?

381
00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:57,058
I've no' seen you for years.

382
00:17:57,058 --> 00:17:59,030
What you up to, you devil?

383
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:00,096
You mad party animal!

384
00:18:00,096 --> 00:18:04,058
Larging it like the old days,
Midgemaster?

385
00:18:04,058 --> 00:18:05,070
BUZZING

386
00:18:05,070 --> 00:18:11,022
What's all the noise?
Are you...laying doon a track?

387
00:18:12,056 --> 00:18:13,070
Hold on.

388
00:18:13,070 --> 00:18:15,070
HOOVER STOPS

389
00:18:15,070 --> 00:18:17,070
Who is this?

390
00:18:17,070 --> 00:18:19,030
Boabby.

391
00:18:19,030 --> 00:18:20,096
Boabby?
Aye.

392
00:18:20,096 --> 00:18:22,078
Fae back in the day at the QM.

393
00:18:22,078 --> 00:18:24,096
Boabby the bouncer.

394
00:18:24,096 --> 00:18:27,064
I was wondering
if you could do an auld pal a favour

395
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:31,044
and play a gig for a dear old friend
of mine called Winston.

396
00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:33,010
It's his wedding.

397
00:18:33,010 --> 00:18:34,083
I don't know any Winstons.

398
00:18:34,084 --> 00:18:37,030
And come to think of it,
I don't know any Boabbys.

399
00:18:37,030 --> 00:18:39,042
How did you get my number?

400
00:18:39,044 --> 00:18:42,010
Well, you gave it to me.
When?

401
00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:43,056
37 year ago.

402
00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:47,058
Boabby!

403
00:18:47,058 --> 00:18:51,008
Christ, how are you doing?
Great to hear from you!

404
00:18:51,008 --> 00:18:53,048
No problem. I'm in.

405
00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:54,070
Really?

406
00:18:54,070 --> 00:18:56,007
No! Get yourself to fu...

407
00:18:59,016 --> 00:19:01,056
You'd dae that for me?

408
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,076
Well, everybody else
seems to be doing something.

409
00:19:03,076 --> 00:19:04,086
I was feeling left out.

410
00:19:04,086 --> 00:19:07,090
We're not going to India this year,
so you may as well use them.

411
00:19:07,092 --> 00:19:10,000
But are air miles no' worth a
fortune?

412
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,044
They're free.

413
00:19:11,044 --> 00:19:14,010
And if they're not used soon,
they go out of date.

414
00:19:14,010 --> 00:19:15,096
LAUGHS

415
00:19:15,096 --> 00:19:17,036
What are you laughing at?

416
00:19:17,036 --> 00:19:19,079
You being concerned about things
being out of date.

417
00:19:21,022 --> 00:19:23,038
What aboot digs?

418
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:24,063
Meena?

419
00:19:24,064 --> 00:19:27,010
Can the two of them
stay with your brother in Jaipur?

420
00:19:27,010 --> 00:19:29,096
TRANSLATED:

421
00:19:34,064 --> 00:19:36,028
Meena says go with her blessing.

422
00:19:40,008 --> 00:19:41,092
DOOR BEEPS

423
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:44,076
Meena, put the box down.

424
00:19:44,076 --> 00:19:47,044
Mwah!

425
00:19:47,044 --> 00:19:49,008
CLEARS THROAT

426
00:19:51,028 --> 00:19:54,028
This isnae what it looks like.
I was thanking her.

427
00:19:54,028 --> 00:19:56,019
Thanking her for what?

428
00:19:56,019 --> 00:19:58,078
For our wedding gift.

429
00:19:58,078 --> 00:20:01,010
We're going to India!

430
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:05,010
Winnie!

431
00:20:05,010 --> 00:20:06,035
MEENA:Oh...

432
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:11,067
Well...

433
00:20:13,030 --> 00:20:14,038
Isa.

434
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:15,042
Hello, Tam.

435
00:20:15,044 --> 00:20:18,010
Listen, I'm awful busy
with the cakes and that.

436
00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:21,076
I know, but I cannae arrange
flowers, Isa.

437
00:20:21,076 --> 00:20:23,048
It needs a woman's touch.

438
00:20:23,048 --> 00:20:25,036
Can Frances no' help ye?

439
00:20:25,036 --> 00:20:27,036
Naw. She's raging at me.

440
00:20:27,036 --> 00:20:29,036
How?

441
00:20:37,096 --> 00:20:40,092
I got them out a skip
at the back of the crematorium.

442
00:20:40,092 --> 00:20:42,050
I think they look lovely.

443
00:20:42,050 --> 00:20:44,035
Get me a bin liner.

444
00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:47,008
What, and throw them all oot?

445
00:20:47,008 --> 00:20:48,010
Yes.

446
00:20:48,010 --> 00:20:49,042
Starting wi' that!

447
00:20:54,022 --> 00:20:55,035
Oh, come on.

448
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:56,092
It's gonnae be brilliant.

449
00:20:56,092 --> 00:20:58,064
People's Palace.

450
00:20:58,064 --> 00:21:00,076
We're going to be indoors, eh?

451
00:21:00,076 --> 00:21:02,030
Nae chance of rain.

452
00:21:02,030 --> 00:21:05,019
I don't mind rain at a wedding.
I heard it's good luck.

453
00:21:05,019 --> 00:21:09,058
Winnie, when I promised you
the greatest day of your life

454
00:21:09,058 --> 00:21:13,078
wi' a honeymoon and all that,
I had nothin' to back that up.

455
00:21:13,078 --> 00:21:16,096
See, years ago,
when I worked in the shipyards,

456
00:21:16,096 --> 00:21:20,070
I was doing OK, but, well,
then they shut all that doon,

457
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:25,019
and I've been living a hand-to-mouth
existence ever since.

458
00:21:25,019 --> 00:21:29,064
And then I meet you,
I want to gie you everything...

459
00:21:30,086 --> 00:21:31,090
I cannae.

460
00:21:31,092 --> 00:21:35,044
Oh, you have so much to offer,
Winston.

461
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:38,000
You make me laugh.

462
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,092
And you don't need to provide all
that for us.

463
00:21:40,092 --> 00:21:42,000
But I havnae, Winnie.

464
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,056
My pals have done it all, see?

465
00:21:43,056 --> 00:21:50,010
Well, it looks as if your pals love
you as much as I do.

466
00:21:53,022 --> 00:21:56,047
MUSIC AND HUBBUB

467
00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:58,067
Watch it wi' the elbows, mate.

468
00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:00,044
Sorry, pal. This is my spot.

469
00:22:00,044 --> 00:22:01,084
What you talking aboot?

470
00:22:02,086 --> 00:22:04,030
I've met her 17 times.

471
00:22:04,030 --> 00:22:06,015
I know her.

472
00:22:06,016 --> 00:22:07,028
Aye, so ye dae.

473
00:22:07,028 --> 00:22:09,084
Aye, well, she'll be oot in a
minute,

474
00:22:09,084 --> 00:22:11,056
she'll come straight over to me,

475
00:22:11,056 --> 00:22:14,096
and you'll be getting a shut eye
with a bang.

476
00:22:14,096 --> 00:22:17,022
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
Amy, Amy!

477
00:22:17,022 --> 00:22:19,070
Hi, everyone!
Amy!

478
00:22:21,019 --> 00:22:24,042
How you doin', Amy?
I met you before, wi' yer da.

479
00:22:24,044 --> 00:22:26,036
Oh!

480
00:22:27,056 --> 00:22:29,016
Can give me a selfie? How you doin'?

481
00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:30,051
Long time, no see.

482
00:22:33,010 --> 00:22:35,010
That's a shut eye with a bang
right enough!

483
00:22:39,050 --> 00:22:41,028
DISTANT SIRENS

484
00:22:43,010 --> 00:22:45,015
What's the point?

485
00:22:47,038 --> 00:22:51,030
Awright, Boabby?
What you doing hanging about here?

486
00:22:51,030 --> 00:22:54,090
Jeez, look who it isnae!

487
00:22:54,092 --> 00:22:57,048
MUSIC: Golden Ring by
Tammy Wynette and George Jones

488
00:23:11,064 --> 00:23:12,096
CLOTH RIPS

489
00:23:44,067 --> 00:23:48,002
Everybody! That's them coming.

490
00:23:48,002 --> 00:23:49,022
CROWD: Aww!

491
00:23:53,096 --> 00:23:57,016
Good on you, Winston.
Cheers, Peggy.

492
00:24:10,092 --> 00:24:13,022
EXHALES
Right.

493
00:24:13,022 --> 00:24:17,015
Welcome, family,
friends and loved ones.

494
00:24:17,016 --> 00:24:20,019
We are gathered here today
to celebrate the wedding

495
00:24:20,019 --> 00:24:23,016
of Winston and Winnie.

496
00:24:23,016 --> 00:24:26,023
You've come here from nearby
and from far away...

497
00:24:27,028 --> 00:24:29,058
I now pronounce you...
Shh, shh!

498
00:24:29,058 --> 00:24:30,083
Security guard!

499
00:24:30,084 --> 00:24:32,067
Move!

500
00:24:42,086 --> 00:24:45,042
All right, all clear.

501
00:24:49,019 --> 00:24:52,078
..man and wife!
CHEERING

502
00:24:52,078 --> 00:24:56,000
Shoosh, shoosh! Shoosh!
QUIET CHEERING

503
00:24:59,056 --> 00:25:01,051
CHATTER, GLASSES CLINK

504
00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:05,030
Congratulations, Winston.
She is a cracker.

505
00:25:06,036 --> 00:25:08,028
You've won a watch, boy.

506
00:25:08,028 --> 00:25:11,036
Aye, that means a lot.
And thanks to you guys.

507
00:25:11,036 --> 00:25:14,030
I mean, this place, the food...

508
00:25:14,030 --> 00:25:16,015
Boabby's even got a band, I hear.

509
00:25:16,016 --> 00:25:18,000
That's what pals are for.

510
00:25:19,008 --> 00:25:23,030
And you, boy, you really pulled it
aff with they flowers.

511
00:25:23,030 --> 00:25:24,050
Everybody was doubting you.

512
00:25:24,050 --> 00:25:26,086
Oh, aye, I pulled them aff,
all right.

513
00:25:29,076 --> 00:25:31,038
BOABBY:One, two.

514
00:25:31,038 --> 00:25:32,096
What you doin'?

515
00:25:32,096 --> 00:25:34,086
Sound check.

516
00:25:34,086 --> 00:25:38,000
For the band?
You cannae have a band!

517
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,016
Ye cannae have a weddin'
withoot a band.

518
00:25:40,016 --> 00:25:43,076
But the noise!
Nobody telt me aboot a band!

519
00:25:43,076 --> 00:25:46,022
Security arenae gonnae be round
for ages.

520
00:25:46,022 --> 00:25:47,035
Here.

521
00:25:49,056 --> 00:25:50,071
Hmm?

522
00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:53,078
Take a drink.

523
00:25:56,076 --> 00:25:59,058
One, two. One, two.

524
00:26:00,092 --> 00:26:02,010
Isa!Oh!

525
00:26:02,010 --> 00:26:04,067
CROWD MURMURS

526
00:26:05,086 --> 00:26:09,036
Eh?Oh, my! Oh!

527
00:26:09,036 --> 00:26:11,011
Oh, look at us!

528
00:26:13,028 --> 00:26:17,008
No, no, no sparklers! No sparklers!

529
00:26:17,008 --> 00:26:20,010
Look at that.
Oh, my!

530
00:26:22,076 --> 00:26:24,056
CROWD: Oh!

531
00:26:26,016 --> 00:26:28,078
WINNIE AND WINSTON LAUGH

532
00:26:28,078 --> 00:26:30,048
Rain at a wedding!

533
00:26:30,048 --> 00:26:33,050
There you are, that's good luck!

534
00:26:35,058 --> 00:26:37,042
BOABBY TAPS MICROPHONE

535
00:26:37,044 --> 00:26:39,000
Ladies and gentlemen,

536
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,078
Winston and Winnie,

537
00:26:42,078 --> 00:26:45,002
tonight's entertainment...

538
00:26:45,002 --> 00:26:47,010
..The Bluebells!

539
00:26:47,010 --> 00:26:49,056
Love them!

540
00:26:49,056 --> 00:26:51,086
BAND PLAYS

541
00:26:56,048 --> 00:26:58,028
# Young at heart

542
00:26:58,028 --> 00:27:00,058
# Yet what a start

543
00:27:00,058 --> 00:27:05,000
# Old before their time

544
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,002
# They married young

545
00:27:07,002 --> 00:27:09,083
# For love at last

546
00:27:09,084 --> 00:27:13,096
# Was their only crime

547
00:27:13,096 --> 00:27:17,048
# How come I love them now?

548
00:27:17,048 --> 00:27:20,036
# How come I love them more?

549
00:27:22,019 --> 00:27:24,042
# When all I wanted to do

550
00:27:24,044 --> 00:27:26,067
# When I was old

551
00:27:26,067 --> 00:27:30,096
# Was to walk out the door

552
00:27:30,096 --> 00:27:33,056
# Young at heart

553
00:27:33,056 --> 00:27:35,056
# You're so young at heart

554
00:27:35,056 --> 00:27:39,016
# You're so yo-oung at... #

555
00:27:51,036 --> 00:27:53,048
CHEERING

556
00:28:19,067 --> 00:28:24,002
Ah, good morning, Mr Curator.
You're in early.

557
00:28:24,002 --> 00:28:26,042
I'll get the door for you.

558
00:28:33,030 --> 00:28:35,038
Thanks very much for that. That's...

559
00:28:35,038 --> 00:28:38,000
RAUCOUS SINGING

560
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,078
# Na, na, na, na, na, hey!

561
00:28:46,078 --> 00:28:48,096
# Na, na, na, na, na, hey!

562
00:28:48,096 --> 00:28:50,067
# Na, na, na, hey!

563
00:28:50,067 --> 00:28:52,064
# Na, na, na, hey! #