This programme contains adult humour
I seen Winston earlier.
Oh, did ye?
Was he with his good lady companion?
CHUCKLES He was!
That's a couple of months noo. Aye, aye.
They're a good couple, aren't they?
Aye, they're a nice match.
Did you get the rolls? Did I get the rolls?!
Does a bear take a big honking fetid crap in the woods?
I'm no' sure I'm wantin' a roll noo.
Me neither, oddly.
FOOTSTEPS
Andy Forrester?Andy!
Hello, Jack, Victor.
No' seen you for the longest time.
Are you still working in the People's Palace?
Aye. That's 30 year.
Of course, I'm the curator there now.
Oh, Andy Forrester, Curator.
LAUGHS You've climbed high.
Uh-huh. What is a curator?
Forgive my friend, Andy.
His ignorance knows no bounds.
Awright, then, smart arse, what is a curator?
Well, he...
..he cures things and that, you know.
Generally...curating.
For the museum. In his capacity as...curator.
You don't know what it is either, do you? Naw.Naw.
Andy, would you care to enlighten my dim-witted friend and myself?
The curator deals with the acquisition of items
throughout the country
that would be of interest or importance to the viewing public.
Very impressive, aye.
See when the place is shut,
you know, like that Night At The Museum, do you run aboot daft?
Aye, do you ever lock up at night
and run aboot in Billy Connolly's big banana boots?
No.
Those boots are a national treasure!
Right you are, OK. Aye, very good.
Well, I must be going.
Unlike your good selves, I can't afford myself the luxury
of sitting around doing nothing in a park all day.
Well, aye, it was good to see you anyway, Andy.
Aw the best.
Christ, bit of a snooty bastard, him, wasn't he?
He used to be a good laugh tae.
That was a right boot in the balls at the end there he gave us,
was it no'?What?
"Well, unlike you, I can't afford myself the luxury
"of hingin' aboot in a park, daein' nothin'."
That was directed at us!
Cheeky, lofty, curating-faced bastard!
What are we doing?
Eh, nothin'.
What have ye got?
Chopper Fantasy.
Ooft. 40 to 1?
And it doesnae even like soft ground.
Chopper? I think you're fantasising!
Naw, it's no' aboot the nags for me.
You see, in this establishment, I'm drawn to the outsiders.
Because on the rare occasion that one of these horses comes in,
I get a chance to put a look on that man's face
like he's just been shot through the foreheid wi' an arrow,
only to find a tax bill attached.
And it's worth every crumpled-up bookie's slip
waiting on that tae happen.
TV:Here they come to the finish.
And it's Chopper Fantasy by a nose!Yes!
LAUGHS
Oh, come on, Winnie, my love.
Tax bill time!
SMACKS LIPS Hello, Stevie.
Hello, Winston.
This is my lady friend, Winnie.
Hello, Winnie. Hello.
Welcome to my bookie's shop establishment.
Yes, blah-blah-blah, down to business.
Now, it's funny that my lady companion should be called Winnie,
because as fate would have it,
I myself have had a wee winnie.
THEY LAUGH
£10.
40 to 1.
That's £410
from your bookie's shop establishment till.
Of course.
That's how it works.
Hooray.
CHUCKLES
And you, my dear, are tasked with finding us somewhere nice for lunch.
Oh!
Nothing cheap, mind.
White Dove Bistro?
Oh, yes!
O-ho-ho.
Always a pleasure, Stevie.
Any time. Hurry back now.
He seems like a lovely fella.
You said he was a black-hearted, torn-faced wanker!
WINSTON: Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Would you like anything else to drink at all?
Whatever the lady wants.
Oh, no, nothing for me, thanks.
I'm driving.
LAUGHS
I've never had lobster before.
I dunno whether to eat it or start fighting it.
Oh, I've had it everywhere. America, Canada, oh, Seychelles.
You were very well travelled, weren't you?
Aye. But after John died, then this...
But you don't need all that.
At the end of the day, you cannae beat a good bit of company.
Aye, well,
I'll have a wee look roond and see if I can find some for you.
Oh, yeah! LAUGHS
See these last couple of months, Winnie?
Uh-huh?
They've been the best couple of months I've had in...
SIGHS ..years.
Me too, Winston.
A strange creature, the lobster, in't it?
Look at that - the red body and the big red heid.
If I'm bein' honest, I don't see the attraction.
GIGGLES I do.
WINSTON LAUGHS
Right enough.
Will you marry me?
What?! LOBSTER CRACKS
Oh, there he is! Love's auld dream!
Two goldies, please, Boabby.
Right, what's the matter wi' your face?
I asked Winnie to marry me.
Aww.
Got a knock-back, yeah?
The old KB.
The old knocko-backo.
Here.
Drown yer sorrows.
Here's one on me.
She said yes.
So here's one on you.
Oh! Look at you, Boabby, yer soakin'!
The old SF, the old soako face-o!
Good for you, Winston. She's brilliant.
Aye.
Ten days' time.
Well, that's quite quick. What, is she pregnant?
I'll knock you out.
Nae point in wasting time at oor age.
Oh, quite right.
So why's your face trippin' ye?
Well, I've pumped Stevie for 410 quid...
Is that yer going rate, aye?
Shut up, you, or you'll be wearing the pint an' all.
So I came oot the bookie's, and I'm feeling like Samson...
Who, Willie Sampson with the neck lump and the breath?
No, Samson oot the Bible!
BOTH: Oh.
So I've a big pocket full of money, right?
And I take her for lunch and I ask her to marry me.
And she says aye.
But you need to remember, she's...
..she's travelled the whole world before her man died.
And Christ knows I cannae compete wi' that!
So what did you dae? I tried to compete with that.
I had a few drinks in me, and I started to promise her the earth.
Such as?
Eh, "I'll gie you the best day of your life."
And a band, and flowers, and the whole shootin' match.
What did ye dae that for, you silly old bastard?
Who am I kidding asking anybody to marry me?
What have I got to offer anybody?
Nothin'.
He's got himself in a hole, in't he?
Aye, it's a bloody liberty, that.
He never gets an even break, does he?
I mean, what's supposed to be the happiest day in his life
has ended up bein' a sore heid for him.
Well, I could dae him a deal on a wedding reception in here.
He said he wanted to gie her a day to remember.
The only thing she'd remember about coming in here is getting dysentery.
I'm only trying tae help.
Where could you have a wedding to remember?
Andy Forrester.
Creator.
Curator, Jack.
What did I say? Creator.
Oh, aye. Anyway, we'll take care of the venue.
All right, then.
I can take care of the band.
How's that?
Well, I was a bouncer at QM Union at Glasgow Uni back in the day.
I met all the bands.
Still got their numbers in my black book.
I was hangin' wi' Jim Kerr, Midge Ure, Proclaimers.
Garbage.
I think The Proclaimers are quite good!
I even hung out wi' Kurt Cobain.
Is that why he shot hisself?
Right, son, just go in there and tell her straight.
"I love you, but I don't have a pot to piss in.
"I'm a potless dick."
DOORBELL RINGS
Come in! It's open!
Ah, there he is.
Oh, they are beautiful.
Now, Winnie...
Uh-huh? I've got something
very important to tell you.
Would it go better with a glass of bubbly?
I think so.
Do me the honours.
And, Winston, we never spoke about rings.
Now, I don't want anything fancy.
Excellent!
Because...
..that will leave us more for the honeymoon!
Oh! Oh, brilliant!
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
UNDER HIS BREATH Ya potless dick!
CORK POPS
Ooh!
So Jack and Victor know the high heid yin
that works at the People's Palace.
And?
And they dae weddings in there!
A freebie? Ooh, you've started a wee party in my basement!
Boabby's gonnae organise some big fancy singer.
And what are yous two daein'? Grub and flowers.
But that leaves me nothin'.
Well, are you no' the best man?
Aye.
But he doesnae want a stag.
He says he's doon a big enough hole already.
Aye.
Let me dae the flowers.
BOTH: Naw.
How?Because you'll make a roaring calamity of it?
I will not!
Aye, ye will.
When was the last time you bought Frances flowers?
Frances doesnae need any flowers.
She's got a perfectly good window box.
How much does a bouquet of flowers cost, Tam?
Five...
..pence.
A flower?
What, 50p?
Tell me that's for a bunch.
Mair? Behave yourselves noo!
Anyway, it doesnae matter what they cost,
because Winston...is my friend.
Tam.
Isa?
Roll and sausage and two cups of tea.
Oh, there they are.
The big man's boots.
That is Glasgow's ruby slippers.
Can I help you, boys?
Yes, we'd like to have a word with Mr Forrester.
The curator?
LAUGHS Mr Forrester?
What was it you called him again?
The curator.
Am I saying that right? Aye, aye.
Well, what's this bastard laughin' at?
LAUGHING He's back there in his office,
up tae his eyes in the curating.
Curator! LAUGHS
SECURITY GUARD:Oh!
CLEARS THROAT
Oh!
Well...
This is a lovely office you have here, Andy.
Ouch ya!
Thank you. Bye-bye.Bye.
Hi, Clare.Hello.
It's good to see you again.
Again? Did we meet before?
Boabby the bouncer? QM Union?
Back in the day.
You had that wee nickname for me?
Remind me.
I said to you,
"Are you gonnae be singing, # Happy Birthday # the night?"
And you, quick as a flash, said, "Shut up, ya wanker!"
Boabby the Wanker.
Right.
Do you want me to sign this for you?
No. I was back there when it was all happening.
I don't need to read aboot it.
Anyway, the book's £18.
What it was was, I was wondering
if you could do a favour for your old pal...
..Boabby the Wanker, hm?
Oh!
See all these acquisitions that you were telling us aboot?
Did you have to acquire this bottle of bleach?
Shut up.
What can I say, boys? Caught bumming my chat.
Aye, and sniffy with it, you were.
You fooled us with the suit.
Naw, I was going to court.
My boy bit a fella's finger off ootside a dance hall.
Oh, court, aye.
What did he get?
I'm pretty sure it was that one.
So what can I do for you?
Very little, it turns oot.
Unless you want to come round our hooses
and rattle round our kitchens with a mop!
No, we were gonnae ask you, you know, in your capacity as big shot,
if you could do us a turn and let us use this place for a wedding.
This place costs a fortune. Anyway, it's fully booked.
Haud on a minute.
I might be able to do something for you. Could this wedding
take place at night?
JANGLES KEYS
Hello, Tam.
Peggy! What are you daein' here?
Nice to see you too, Tam.
How are you and Isa getting on with the food?
Good.
How are you getting on with the flowers?
Good.
Getting a few ideas.
Is that one of your ideas there, Tam?
Defile poor...
..poor Patch's shrine?
What do you take me for?
Forgive me, Tam.
Oh, I'll try.
I'm going this way.
I'm going that way.
You first, then.
Right.
Ooft.
What's the matter with you, smiler?
Och, I've blown my last 20 quid on a 100-to-1 donkey at Stevie's.
I'm gubbed.
Screwed. Shafted.
Pumped.
My paddle's away and I've popped into Shit Creek for a pack of Polos.
Oh, slow down.
Before you throw yourself aff a bridge, we have some news.
Let me guess. You've won five grand on a scratchcard, and you're gonnae
gie it all to me to pay for a wedding that I cannae have?
Close, but naw. We've organised everything for you.
Everything.We've got a pal in the People's Palace.
He's gonnae let us use it as a venue for your wedding.
Wow!
Boabby's getting you a band.
Nae way!
Peggy and Isa are gonnae dae the food.I don't know what tae say.
And Tam's daein' yer flowers.
Aye, that might need a bit of workin' on,
but everything else sounds amazing.
You know what? Thank you.
I mean, really.
It's at times like this you know who your pals are, innit?
I'm flabbergasted.
I'm blown away.
Here, you couldnae rustle us up a honeymoon
while you're at it, could you?
It's no' boxer shorts you're needing,
it's a bin liner for the baws on you. Honeymoon, by Christ.
Where would you care to go? Name your destination. The Seychelles?!
The Orient Express?
India? Aye.
I'm sorry, you're right enough. I-I don't know what I was thinking.
No, I'm saying, would you like to go to India?
Because I can sort that.
MAN: Hello?
DEEP VOICE:Hello, I'm wanting to speak to Midge Ure.
This is he.
No way! Midge! How are you?
I've no' seen you for years.
What you up to, you devil?
You mad party animal!
Larging it like the old days, Midgemaster?
BUZZING
What's all the noise? Are you...laying doon a track?
Hold on.
HOOVER STOPS
Who is this?
Boabby.
Boabby? Aye.
Fae back in the day at the QM.
Boabby the bouncer.
I was wondering if you could do an auld pal a favour
and play a gig for a dear old friend of mine called Winston.
It's his wedding.
I don't know any Winstons.
And come to think of it, I don't know any Boabbys.
How did you get my number?
Well, you gave it to me. When?
37 year ago.
Boabby!
Christ, how are you doing? Great to hear from you!
No problem. I'm in.
Really?
No! Get yourself to fu...
You'd dae that for me?
Well, everybody else seems to be doing something.
I was feeling left out.
We're not going to India this year, so you may as well use them.
But are air miles no' worth a fortune?
They're free.
And if they're not used soon, they go out of date.
LAUGHS
What are you laughing at?
You being concerned about things being out of date.
What aboot digs?
Meena?
Can the two of them stay with your brother in Jaipur?
TRANSLATED:
Meena says go with her blessing.
DOOR BEEPS
Meena, put the box down.
Mwah!
CLEARS THROAT
This isnae what it looks like. I was thanking her.
Thanking her for what?
For our wedding gift.
We're going to India!
Winnie!
MEENA:Oh...
Well...
Isa.
Hello, Tam.
Listen, I'm awful busy with the cakes and that.
I know, but I cannae arrange flowers, Isa.
It needs a woman's touch.
Can Frances no' help ye?
Naw. She's raging at me.
How?
I got them out a skip at the back of the crematorium.
I think they look lovely.
Get me a bin liner.
What, and throw them all oot?
Yes.
Starting wi' that!
Oh, come on.
It's gonnae be brilliant.
People's Palace.
We're going to be indoors, eh?
Nae chance of rain.
I don't mind rain at a wedding. I heard it's good luck.
Winnie, when I promised you the greatest day of your life
wi' a honeymoon and all that, I had nothin' to back that up.
See, years ago, when I worked in the shipyards,
I was doing OK, but, well, then they shut all that doon,
and I've been living a hand-to-mouth existence ever since.
And then I meet you, I want to gie you everything...
I cannae.
Oh, you have so much to offer, Winston.
You make me laugh.
And you don't need to provide all that for us.
But I havnae, Winnie.
My pals have done it all, see?
Well, it looks as if your pals love you as much as I do.
MUSIC AND HUBBUB
Watch it wi' the elbows, mate.
Sorry, pal. This is my spot.
What you talking aboot?
I've met her 17 times.
I know her.
Aye, so ye dae.
Aye, well, she'll be oot in a minute,
she'll come straight over to me,
and you'll be getting a shut eye with a bang.
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK Amy, Amy!
Hi, everyone! Amy!
How you doin', Amy? I met you before, wi' yer da.
Oh!
Can give me a selfie? How you doin'?
Long time, no see.
That's a shut eye with a bang right enough!
DISTANT SIRENS
What's the point?
Awright, Boabby? What you doing hanging about here?
Jeez, look who it isnae!
MUSIC: Golden Ring by Tammy Wynette and George Jones
CLOTH RIPS
Everybody! That's them coming.
CROWD: Aww!
Good on you, Winston. Cheers, Peggy.
EXHALES Right.
Welcome, family, friends and loved ones.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the wedding
of Winston and Winnie.
You've come here from nearby and from far away...
I now pronounce you... Shh, shh!
Security guard!
Move!
All right, all clear.
..man and wife! CHEERING
Shoosh, shoosh! Shoosh! QUIET CHEERING
CHATTER, GLASSES CLINK
Congratulations, Winston. She is a cracker.
You've won a watch, boy.
Aye, that means a lot. And thanks to you guys.
I mean, this place, the food...
Boabby's even got a band, I hear.
That's what pals are for.
And you, boy, you really pulled it aff with they flowers.
Everybody was doubting you.
Oh, aye, I pulled them aff, all right.
BOABBY:One, two.
What you doin'?
Sound check.
For the band? You cannae have a band!
Ye cannae have a weddin' withoot a band.
But the noise! Nobody telt me aboot a band!
Security arenae gonnae be round for ages.
Here.
Hmm?
Take a drink.
One, two. One, two.
Isa!Oh!
CROWD MURMURS
Eh?Oh, my! Oh!
Oh, look at us!
No, no, no sparklers! No sparklers!
Look at that. Oh, my!
CROWD: Oh!
WINNIE AND WINSTON LAUGH
Rain at a wedding!
There you are, that's good luck!
BOABBY TAPS MICROPHONE
Ladies and gentlemen,
Winston and Winnie,
tonight's entertainment...
..The Bluebells!
Love them!
BAND PLAYS
# Young at heart
# Yet what a start
# Old before their time
# They married young
# For love at last
# Was their only crime
# How come I love them now?
# How come I love them more?
# When all I wanted to do
# When I was old
# Was to walk out the door
# Young at heart
# You're so young at heart
# You're so yo-oung at... #
CHEERING
Ah, good morning, Mr Curator. You're in early.
I'll get the door for you.
Thanks very much for that. That's...
RAUCOUS SINGING
# Na, na, na, na, na, hey!
# Na, na, na, hey!
# Na, na, na, hey! #