This programme contains adult humour
What's the day's date?
Eh, 1st of November.
Oh, you beauty!
Jesus, Jack!
It's rippy-affy day!
Rippy-affy day?
I hope you're not talking about your clothes.
No. I'm talking about my Scottish Nature Trust calendar.
Yes, you want to see the photographs in here, boy.
And, today, I get to find out what November has to offer.
You mean you've no' looked at it yet?
Of course I've no' looked.
Well, you see, when I get a calendar,
I like to take a good ten minutes and peruse every month.
Then I know what I'm looking forward to
when I flip over to the next month.
Nae...rippy-affy.
See, that's where you and I differ.
You don't enjoy a surprise.
And another thing you do that gets right on my tits...
Gets on your tits now, is it, Jack?
Right, come on, then, give us it.
Get it off your tits.
Every year at my birthday,
you do give me a gift,
but while I'm opening it, before I've seen it, mind,
you tell me what it is.
I'm only priming you in case you don't like it.
Anyroads, I've only ever done that once!Once?
You do it every single year!
Mug. Socks.
Wine. Tie.
It's a shirt.
You can take it back if it's too tight. It was big on me.
Why am I getting the feeling you know what the next photograph is?
Because I do.
So you've been looking through my Scottish Nature Trust calendar?
I have.
Whenever you make a cup of tea or go for a pish,
I rummage through it.
I can't help myself.
Well, I don't know what the next photograph is,
and I do not want to know.
Righto, Jack.
Do not ruin this for me, Victor.
Ben Lomond!
Oh, you bastard!
ISA:Oh, that's lovely.
An osprey...
..way up high in the sky,
having a wee fly.
TV:In recent years, the natural habitat of the African wild mongoose
has come under threat.
Oh, dear.
And this little fella needs your help.
Oh!
Helping couldn't be easier.
Simply text "mongoose" from your phone now,
and for as little as £3 a month,
you can ensure this little critter's days are care free.
M-O-N...
Eh, here, Boabby.
It's the 1st of November the day -
are you no' gonnae change your dirty, manky calendar?
Oh, thanks for the heads-up, Jack.
Hello, November.
If that lassie went out like that in November, she'd get hypothermia.
She really should have a cardigan on her.
I don't bother buying a calendar.
I just use the same one every year.
Well, how would that work? The days would all be different.
I know that. I'm no' an idiot.
If Christmas falls on a Tuesday one year,
then the next year, I just name the Tuesday "Wednesday".
A bit of mental gymnastics, but it's good for the old grey matter, you know?
And, of course, there's a saving to be made.
So what calendar are you working off of?
The wedding of Charles and Di, 1981.
So what day does Hogmanay fall on this year, Tam?
That's simple enough. You give me...
..three or four hours and a calculator,
and I'll get right back to you. SCOFFS
See that photie of Ben Lomond?
Aye.
Well, every year for years now,
we have promised ourselves to walk up that.
And every year, we never do.
We give it, "Ach, we'll wait till the midgies die down.
"We'll go in October."
Aye, but then October turns into November
and, before too long, we're pulling Christmas crackers
and lamenting the fact that, once again, we've reneged on ourselves.
Maybe we should just stop disappointing ourselves and admit defeat.
I want to do it.
When?
Well, right now the weather's mild.
Nigh-on perfect conditions.
I've made my mind up.
I want to go up Ben Lomond.
I'll come wi' you.
I'll humph your stuff.
Oh, don't do yourself down.
You, like my good self, are a pioneer.
Let these silly bastards do the stuff-humphing.
MUTTERING:Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday...
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...
Sunday becomes... Is it Saturday?
Right, listen up!
We've got something to say.
Jack?
Friends, colleagues,
associates... Hurry up.
Thank you.
Victor and I have decided that...
Victor?
That we assembled here today shall not endeavour but indeed conquer.
So, we cordially invite you to join us in conquering
the world-famous Munro, Ben Lomond!
ALL LAUGH
Well, that went well.
Aye, not very embarrassing at all. I say up them, Victor.
Yes, up them.
We should phone Shug, though. Do things right.
Aye, belts and braces. He'll tell us what to get.
Aye. We're no' young men. We've got to be organised.
Aye. Aw, Christ.What?
One of those arseholes.
Do you have it?
Yes. Always.
Get it out.Not quite yet.
Deploy it, Jack.Steady.
Hold.
And there we go.
Have you got a minute there, gents?
Oh, I'm sorry, son, I cannae let you
interrupt our wee game of tennis-baw-chucky-baw.
Aw, Christ.
Here, that's a different-coloured top you're wearing the day.
Are you working for another charity now?
As a matter of fact I am, yes. What is it?
It's a charity that's working to stem
the black-market trade of Madagascan lovebirds.
I've actually just finished my shift
so I'll get you next time. You'll get me...?
You've got me the now! Funny you should mention lovebirds.
My uncle had a parakeet.
He got it in 1960, but they're very long-lived, these wee treasures.
Anyroads, he taught it to say,
"Up your ...kin' hole! Up your ...kin' hole!"
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, my. And one day, ma Auntie Sadie
tried to give it a wee bit of cuttlefish, you know?
Here, it took the end off the top o' her finger.
Well, she grabbed it out its cage, and the two of them were brawling.
Bird versus Auntie.
And all the time Sadie's shouting, "Up your ...kin' hole!"
Oh, my.
Oh, here, that wee parakeet.
It could talk like a budgie,
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Where's Jack and Victor?
Out walking.
Training for Sunday.
Do you think they'll manage up it?
I don't know. I'll tell you one thing -
they'll manage down it all right - in a rescue copter.
Silly bastards.
I was up gonnae climb Ben Lomond wi' some pals when I was 18.
But I met a German lassie at base camp.
She had two Ben Lomonds, so I decided to conquer them.
Aye, the old rescue chopper was out that night!
Is that true?
Naw. She was fae Paisley.
They'll end up deid.
What would be so bad about that?
What a way to go, eh?
Venturing into the unknown at their age.
See if I had two legs? I'd be going wi' them.
Oh, no, no, no. There was a boy went up last year wi' no legs.
It was in the paper.Really?
So you've got no excuse for no' going.
What's your excuse?
I have a wife.
If anything was to happen to me, I would leave a grieving woman behind.
He's got a wife.
You faked your own death a couple of months ago
to collect your own insurance, you arsehole.
That's true, I forgot about that.
Well, OK, then, I'll go if you go.
Right, you're on.
What's your excuse, Boabby?
Well, that's yous going on Sunday. I cannae, I've got the pub.
Well, who comes in here on a Sunday?
Well, yous two, Jack, Victor.
I'll dig my boots out.
Yeah. That's the spirit.
As a matter of fact, I should be there.
If things turn ugly, you'll need a cool heid on square shoulders.
A Liam Neeson type.
Someone with a...
AS LIAM NEESON:..certain set of skills.
He's right.
We should ask Isa to come.
DOOR OPENS
Oh, look who it is.
Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing.
That's actually very good, Boabby.
Cos that's the two fellas that conquered Everest.
Aye, you finally got one right.
Aye, well done.
That aside... BOTH:Two pints, prick.
Here, do you want the good news or the bad news?
Eh, good news.
We're coming wi' you.
Brilliant, eh?Aye.
Bad news?
Boabby's coming too.
Oh, are you?
That's bad news, eh?
Look at you.
An ant that looks like a cuddly wee panda.
But still an ant.
Look at your big, beautiful eyes
and all your wee mad furry legs.
A wee bit creepy, that, but, hey...
But you still need my help.
"Would you like to donate?"
CashBuddy.
Password.
Let's see...
"Aggie Taylor says she's losing weight naturally
"but I've heard it's a gastric band.
"36."
Insufficient funds?
Right...
It's ringing.
RINGING
Oh! Look at that.
Oh, hello, boys.
Hello, Shug.
It's Jack, Victor, Winston and Tam.O-ho!
Hello, Shug!
Boabby! You're upside down.
Where are you at the moment, Shug?
Oh, Bondi Beach. Another cover shoot.
So you're upside down! LAUGHS
Cos...
Cos it's Australia.
Very good, Boabby.
That's you a global prick now.
Did we wake you up, Shug?
No, no, no, it's...it's breakfast time.
So, what are you wanting?
Eh, there's a bunch of us going up Ben Lomond.
We were looking for advice.
Check the weather. Weather's fine.
All right. You got all the kit?
I was just gonnae wear my shorts and a T-shirt and flip-flops.
Very funny, Fatty.
Start taking this seriously or I'm hanging up.
Sorry, Shug.
Aye. So you've no kit?
No.All right.
There's a pub at the bottom of Ben Lomond.
The Rambler's Retreat.
You go in there.
You wade past all the English arseholes and ask for Rab.
And he'll sort you out wi' all the good kit.
And it's all my kit, so you'll get it for nothing.
Yes!
Sorry, Shug.
Aye, he'll get you everything.
You know, sticks, compass, tent, all that essential bollocks.
WOMAN:Talking about essential bollocks, are you coming back to bed?
Was that Edith, Shug?
Yes.
Are you sharing a room?
Yes.
ALL LAUGH KNOWINGLY
Sorry, Shug.
That's him away.
Well, did you get it?What?
Cos Australia's upside down!
Isa, what are you doing?
Just a wee bit of tidying.
You're making me feel like Julia Roberts in Sleeping With The Enemy.
What is with the OCD pish?
Your shift ended ten minutes ago.
I've been building up to ask you something.
I need an advance.
Naw. Have a nice evening.
Oh, right.
Hold on, Isa.
You've never asked for an advance.
Have you got a problem?
Oh, I do, aye.
But it's a wee bit embarrassing.
You need money to buy women's-problems creams?
No!
What's your position on charity?
Charity?
Charity begins at home. My home.
That's my problem.
I'm in deep wi' the charities.
I'm charity daft.
A charity-holic.
I'm into them for £250 a month.
A charity junkie?Exactly.
Oh, I'm rattling, Navid.
I get a buzz out my fix.
I'm a baw-hair away fae hawking my silver cutlery to fund my habit.
I need help!
-
Give us 40 quid.
Out that till the now.
It's nothing to you, you've got plenty.
You don't need money.
You need an intervention.
Please, Navid!
TILL PINGS
Twix, please.
Oh...animals?
Is it animals?It is, aye.
Isa, no! What kind of animals?
Korean porpoises. Look.
Oh, look at its wee face!
There's 20 quid.
That'll save a wee porpoise.
There's another 20, in case it's got a porpoise pal.
Oh!
CLATTERING
So, how do you know Shug?
I cannae answer that.
You've no' got the clearance.
Oh, aye. Well, enough said, aye.
I'll tell you this one thing.
Maryhill barracks.
We were young.
There was this right bastard in our squad.
McKenna.
Fancied himself.
A bully.
Shug had just finished reading The Murder On The Orient Express.
So that's what we done.
You murdered him?
Naw.
We waited till midnight.
McKenna was snoring the bit out.
So we all rose fae our beds like ninjas.
Each squaddie put a bar of soap inside a sock,
and we took it in turns to set about him.
One of the boys saw him a couple of years back.
Cannae eat anything unless it's liquid.
He never bullied anybody again.
We all took a vow never to speak of it.
And I've just went and telt yous!
What am I like?
That's what a couple of Johnnie Walkers in the afternoon'll do to you!
And then another time... That's plenty!
Listen, you're no' planning on going up the Ben the morra, are you?
SLURPS
Aye.
Ah. Well, I don't think that's a good idea.
You're out of season.
Have you checked the weather forecast for the morra?
It can turn on a tanner.
Rab...
We can handle ourselves.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
Not one of us has ever put a bar of soap in a sock
and leathered a boy doolally wi' it,
but we're no' soft Yankee tourists, either.
Naw! We're city men.
Clydebuilt.
These aren't bones.
They're girders.
Watch this.
THUMP Ah! You dozy bastard,
that's the real one!
WAILS
Isa. We've been at this for two hours
and you've only let me unsubscribe from one charity.
The Blob Fish.
I liked its wee face, too.
Back to the top. Giant Chinese salamander?
No!
Anteaters?No.
Ants? No. I mean, well,
what would the anteaters eat?
Chips? Kit Kats? I don't know.
Solomon Island glowing sea turtle?
Not on your nelly.
They light up, Navid!
Australian punk rock monkey?
No.
They gave me this!
These animals need me, Navid!
I need a cup of tea.
I've no tea bags.
Or milk.
Point proven.
Will you take a glass of water?
Aye, sure.
You monster!
Do you know what you've done?
That's what you've done!
KNOCK AT DOOR
It's all over, Isa.
You're clean. We've done them all.
We've no' done them all.
PANTING: Here, I'm starving.
Don't worry.
As soon as we get the fire going and the tent up,
I shall prepare us a feast.
Is this the campsite?
No, cannae be, it's a car park.
Well, can we no' pitch the tent here?
I'll give you my watch if you can hammer one tent peg into that concrete.
You're an idiot!
Here, where is the campsite?
Well, it must be round here somewhere.
Aye, thanks, Bear Grylls.
Here, where's Jack away to?
Oh, no! Here, Jack, don't.
Listen!
Can I help you? Eh, hello, aye.
There's a campsite round about here. Would you know where that is?
No.
Right.
Is that us?
Yes, uh-huh.
KNOCKS
It's just that me and my pals are gonnae be climbing Ben Lomond in the morning.
Good for you.
Have you been up it yourself?
I'm trying to get up it the now, but you keep interrupting.
Oh! STAMMERS
I beg your pardon. As you were.
Right, which way are we going?
You'll never guess what that couple in that car were...
We know. Move. Stop shoving.
So, is that the bastard there?
That's him, aye.
Hello.
Hello. Do you want to sponsor a bird?
I want to cancel a bird.
See that woman there?
She bought a bird
and she cannae afford it. You mean sponsored?
Bought, sponsored, rented.
It disnae matter, bawbag.
That woman, that angel,
that is Isa Drennan.
Through the kindness of her heart, and the softness of her brain,
she has been pledging £250 a month to animals around the world.
Now, I've managed to cancel all of the subscriptions apart from yours.
Ah, see, you need to go on to the website to do that.
Your website is like a pile of spaghetti.
It is like the Gordian Knot.
It is like Crystal bastard Maze!
I know. Clever, in't it?
Cancel it.Cannae.
Let me take the payment, then.
Now that I can do.
Now, are you still wanting your lovebird to be called Isa?
Yes.
OK.
Oh, bugger it. Give me another one.
Another one?
No worries.
You got a name in mind?
Navid.
OK, sign here.
Make like I'm tearing you a new arsehole.
MOUTHS
Did you sort it out?
Big time.
I'm taking you to the Clansman for a drink.
You know I don't drink.
Lemonade on the rocks.
OWL HOOTS
LAUGHS
Do you think we'll all get in that tent?
ALL LAUGH I would think so, aye.
It's as big as the Lidl on Brookstone Road.
Here, what are we eating?
Ah.
There we are. There's no labels on these.
They've been that long in the back of my cupboards, they've disintegrated.
Aye, but we don't know what's in them.
Well, where's your spirit of adventure?
CHUCKLES
Right, come on, we'll try this one first.
So, what's everybody got?
Chickpeas in brine.
Yummy.
Here, this is dog food.
That tin must be 20 year old.
That's when my wee dug Sammy died.
I've got kidney beans here, I think.
Are you gonnae eat them?
Not unless you want to do the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.
What have you got, Jack?
Paint.
Oh, what colour?
Red. What does it matter?
What do you want me to do, hold my nose and make out it's tomato soup?
Well, you could put the kidney beans in wi' the chickpeas
and then pour in the paint and make a chilli.
I've eaten worse.
Shh, shh! ANIMAL CALLS AND RUSTLING
What was that?
Calm doon, there's no wildlife round here.
It'll be a sheep or something.
Aye, aye, aye.
Well, we'll put a stick up its arse, and barbecue the bastard, how about that?
RUSTLING Woo-oo-oo!
ALL YELL Hello, boys!
Oh, Jesus, it's Isa.
Still want to do that stick barbecue thing?
And Navid.
Ah, you're in the wrong place.
The dogging happens down the car park.
Isa, what the bloody hell are you doing here?
The Clansman was shut. Made a few enquiries.
Bingo. Have you any food wi' you?
Naw. Would you like a bowl of chilli?
ALL LAUGH
Here, yous aren't gonnae climb Ben Lomond, are yous?
Naw.
Oh, here, neither should yous!
The weather's no' to be good the morra.
Guys, Isa's right.
I don't think any of us are going up there the morra.
It looks like it's gonnae turn.
Well, that's that, then, eh?
Ach, there's always next year.
Aye, next year, aye.
That's if any of us are still here next year.
Of course we'll be here next year.
None of us are going anywhere.
Just like that mountain.
Ach, we're no' needing to go up any mountain.
This is where the party's at!
ALL CHEER
Agreed?
Well, Winston's definitely no' going up.
Look.
Oh!
You bastard!
YELLS
SIGHS
Disnae look too bad up there, does it, Jack?
No, it doesn't.
Lovely day for a descension.
Ascension.
What did I say?
Disnae matter.
Should I, er...?
Come on.
JACK: Did you bring any water wi' you?
Naw.
But I did fill my hip flask with the last of Isa's bottle.
JACK CHUCKLES
Do you think they'll be wondering where we went?
Nah. They'll know where we went.
MUSIC: "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" by Bob Dylan
# Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
# If'n you don't know by now
# And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
# It'll never do somehow
# When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
# Look out your window and I'll be gone
# You're the reason I'm a-travelling on
# But don't think twice, it's all right
# So long honey, baby
# Where I'm bound, I can't tell
# Goodbye's too good a word, babe
# So I'll just say fare thee well
# I ain't a-saying you treated me unkind
# You could have done better but I don't mind
# You just kinda wasted my precious time
# But don't think twice, it's all right...
Well...
Look who it isnae.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING