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This programme contains adult humour

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What's the day's date?

3
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Eh, 1st of November.

4
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Oh, you beauty!

5
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Jesus, Jack!

6
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It's rippy-affy day!

7
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Rippy-affy day?

8
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I hope you're not talking about
your clothes.

9
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No. I'm talking about
my Scottish Nature Trust calendar.

10
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Yes, you want to see
the photographs in here, boy.

11
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And, today, I get to find out what
November has to offer.

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You mean you've no' looked at it
yet?

13
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Of course I've no' looked.

14
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Well, you see,
when I get a calendar,

15
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I like to take a good ten minutes
and peruse every month.

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Then I know what I'm
looking forward to

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when I flip over to the next month.

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Nae...rippy-affy.

19
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See, that's where you and I differ.

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You don't enjoy a surprise.

21
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And another thing you do that gets
right on my tits...

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Gets on your tits now, is it, Jack?

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Right, come on, then, give us it.

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Get it off your tits.

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Every year at my birthday,

26
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you do give me a gift,

27
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but while I'm opening it,
before I've seen it, mind,

28
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you tell me what it is.

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I'm only priming you
in case you don't like it.

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Anyroads, I've only ever done that
once!Once?

31
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You do it every single year!

32
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Mug. Socks.

33
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Wine. Tie.

34
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It's a shirt.

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You can take it back if it's too
tight. It was big on me.

36
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Why am I getting the feeling you
know what the next photograph is?

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Because I do.

38
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So you've been looking through
my Scottish Nature Trust calendar?

39
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I have.

40
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Whenever you make a cup of tea
or go for a pish,

41
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I rummage through it.

42
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I can't help myself.

43
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Well, I don't know what
the next photograph is,

44
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and I do not want to know.

45
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Righto, Jack.

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Do not ruin this for me, Victor.

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Ben Lomond!

48
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Oh, you bastard!

49
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ISA:Oh, that's lovely.

50
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An osprey...

51
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..way up high in the sky,

52
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having a wee fly.

53
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TV:In recent years, the natural
habitat of the African wild mongoose

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has come under threat.

55
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Oh, dear.

56
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And this little fella
needs your help.

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Oh!

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Helping couldn't be easier.

59
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Simply text "mongoose"
from your phone now,

60
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and for as little as £3 a month,

61
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you can ensure this little critter's
days are care free.

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M-O-N...

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Eh, here, Boabby.

64
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It's the 1st of November the day -

65
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are you no' gonnae change
your dirty, manky calendar?

66
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Oh, thanks for the heads-up, Jack.

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Hello, November.

68
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If that lassie went out like that
in November, she'd get hypothermia.

69
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She really should have a cardigan
on her.

70
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I don't bother buying a calendar.

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I just use the same one every year.

72
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Well, how would that work?
The days would all be different.

73
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I know that. I'm no' an idiot.

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If Christmas falls on a Tuesday
one year,

75
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then the next year, I just name
the Tuesday "Wednesday".

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A bit of mental gymnastics,
but it's good for the old grey matter, you know?

77
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And, of course,
there's a saving to be made.

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So what calendar
are you working off of?

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The wedding of Charles and Di, 1981.

80
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So what day does Hogmanay fall on
this year, Tam?

81
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That's simple enough. You give me...

82
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..three or four hours
and a calculator,

83
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and I'll get right back to you.
SCOFFS

84
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See that photie of Ben Lomond?

85
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Aye.

86
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Well, every year for years now,

87
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we have promised ourselves
to walk up that.

88
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And every year, we never do.

89
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We give it, "Ach, we'll wait till
the midgies die down.

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"We'll go in October."

91
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Aye, but then October
turns into November

92
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and, before too long,
we're pulling Christmas crackers

93
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and lamenting the fact that, once
again, we've reneged on ourselves.

94
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Maybe we should just stop
disappointing ourselves and admit defeat.

95
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I want to do it.

96
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When?

97
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Well, right now the weather's mild.

98
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Nigh-on perfect conditions.

99
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I've made my mind up.

100
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I want to go up Ben Lomond.

101
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I'll come wi' you.

102
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I'll humph your stuff.

103
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Oh, don't do yourself down.

104
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You, like my good self,
are a pioneer.

105
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Let these silly bastards
do the stuff-humphing.

106
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MUTTERING:Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday...

107
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Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...

108
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Sunday becomes... Is it Saturday?

109
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Right, listen up!

110
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We've got something to say.

111
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Jack?

112
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Friends, colleagues,

113
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associates...
Hurry up.

114
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Thank you.

115
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Victor and I have decided that...

116
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Victor?

117
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That we assembled here today shall
not endeavour but indeed conquer.

118
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So, we cordially invite you
to join us in conquering

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the world-famous Munro, Ben Lomond!

120
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ALL LAUGH

121
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Well, that went well.

122
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Aye, not very embarrassing at all.
I say up them, Victor.

123
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Yes, up them.

124
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We should phone Shug, though.
Do things right.

125
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Aye, belts and braces.
He'll tell us what to get.

126
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Aye. We're no' young men.
We've got to be organised.

127
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Aye. Aw, Christ.What?

128
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One of those arseholes.

129
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Do you have it?

130
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Yes. Always.

131
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Get it out.Not quite yet.

132
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Deploy it, Jack.Steady.

133
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Hold.

134
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And there we go.

135
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Have you got a minute there, gents?

136
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Oh, I'm sorry, son, I cannae let you

137
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interrupt our wee game
of tennis-baw-chucky-baw.

138
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Aw, Christ.

139
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Here, that's a different-coloured
top you're wearing the day.

140
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Are you working for another charity
now?

141
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As a matter of fact I am, yes.
What is it?

142
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It's a charity that's working to
stem

143
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the black-market trade of
Madagascan lovebirds.

144
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I've actually just finished my shift

145
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so I'll get you next time.
You'll get me...?

146
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You've got me the now!
Funny you should mention lovebirds.

147
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My uncle had a parakeet.

148
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He got it in 1960, but they're very
long-lived, these wee treasures.

149
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Anyroads, he taught it to say,

150
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"Up your ...kin' hole!
Up your ...kin' hole!"

151
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SHE CHUCKLES

152
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Oh, my.
And one day, ma Auntie Sadie

153
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tried to give it a wee bit of
cuttlefish, you know?

154
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Here, it took the end off
the top o' her finger.

155
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Well, she grabbed it out its cage,
and the two of them were brawling.

156
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Bird versus Auntie.

157
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And all the time Sadie's shouting,
"Up your ...kin' hole!"

158
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Oh, my.

159
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Oh, here, that wee parakeet.

160
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It could talk like a budgie,

161
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Talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk.

162
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Where's Jack and Victor?

163
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Out walking.

164
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Training for Sunday.

165
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Do you think they'll manage up it?

166
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I don't know. I'll tell you one
thing -

167
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they'll manage down it all right -
in a rescue copter.

168
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Silly bastards.

169
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I was up gonnae climb Ben Lomond
wi' some pals when I was 18.

170
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But I met a German lassie
at base camp.

171
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She had two Ben Lomonds,
so I decided to conquer them.

172
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Aye, the old rescue chopper
was out that night!

173
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Is that true?

174
00:08:06,064 --> 00:08:08,056
Naw. She was fae Paisley.

175
00:08:10,016 --> 00:08:11,096
They'll end up deid.

176
00:08:11,096 --> 00:08:14,016
What would be so bad about that?

177
00:08:14,016 --> 00:08:15,084
What a way to go, eh?

178
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Venturing into the unknown
at their age.

179
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See if I had two legs?
I'd be going wi' them.

180
00:08:20,076 --> 00:08:24,036
Oh, no, no, no. There was a boy went
up last year wi' no legs.

181
00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:26,084
It was in the paper.Really?

182
00:08:26,084 --> 00:08:28,076
So you've got no excuse
for no' going.

183
00:08:28,076 --> 00:08:29,084
What's your excuse?

184
00:08:31,068 --> 00:08:33,012
I have a wife.

185
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If anything was to happen to me, I
would leave a grieving woman behind.

186
00:08:38,028 --> 00:08:39,052
He's got a wife.

187
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,092
You faked your own death
a couple of months ago

188
00:08:42,092 --> 00:08:45,012
to collect your own insurance,
you arsehole.

189
00:08:45,012 --> 00:08:46,084
That's true, I forgot about that.

190
00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:50,012
Well, OK, then, I'll go if you go.

191
00:08:50,012 --> 00:08:51,084
Right, you're on.

192
00:08:51,084 --> 00:08:53,052
What's your excuse, Boabby?

193
00:08:53,052 --> 00:08:56,052
Well, that's yous going on Sunday.
I cannae, I've got the pub.

194
00:08:57,068 --> 00:08:59,016
Well, who comes in here on a Sunday?

195
00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:02,092
Well, yous two, Jack, Victor.

196
00:09:05,056 --> 00:09:07,012
I'll dig my boots out.

197
00:09:07,012 --> 00:09:09,016
Yeah. That's the spirit.

198
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:12,040
As a matter of fact,
I should be there.

199
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:16,076
If things turn ugly, you'll need
a cool heid on square shoulders.

200
00:09:18,068 --> 00:09:20,088
A Liam Neeson type.

201
00:09:20,088 --> 00:09:22,036
Someone with a...

202
00:09:22,036 --> 00:09:24,060
AS LIAM NEESON:..certain set
of skills.

203
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,084
He's right.

204
00:09:27,084 --> 00:09:29,044
We should ask Isa to come.

205
00:09:29,044 --> 00:09:31,036
DOOR OPENS

206
00:09:31,036 --> 00:09:33,048
Oh, look who it is.

207
00:09:33,048 --> 00:09:35,076
Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing.

208
00:09:36,092 --> 00:09:38,032
That's actually very good, Boabby.

209
00:09:38,032 --> 00:09:40,036
Cos that's the two fellas
that conquered Everest.

210
00:09:40,036 --> 00:09:42,044
Aye, you finally got one right.

211
00:09:42,044 --> 00:09:43,072
Aye, well done.

212
00:09:43,072 --> 00:09:47,004
That aside...
BOTH:Two pints, prick.

213
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:51,020
Here, do you want the good news
or the bad news?

214
00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,080
Eh, good news.

215
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,028
We're coming wi' you.

216
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:56,060
Brilliant, eh?Aye.

217
00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:57,084
Bad news?

218
00:09:57,084 --> 00:09:59,044
Boabby's coming too.

219
00:09:59,044 --> 00:10:00,096
Oh, are you?

220
00:10:00,096 --> 00:10:03,052
That's bad news, eh?

221
00:10:03,052 --> 00:10:05,044
Look at you.

222
00:10:05,044 --> 00:10:09,060
An ant that looks like
a cuddly wee panda.

223
00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:11,008
But still an ant.

224
00:10:11,008 --> 00:10:14,020
Look at your big, beautiful eyes

225
00:10:14,020 --> 00:10:17,024
and all your wee mad furry legs.

226
00:10:17,024 --> 00:10:19,084
A wee bit creepy, that, but, hey...

227
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:22,044
But you still need my help.

228
00:10:22,044 --> 00:10:24,000
"Would you like to donate?"

229
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,012
CashBuddy.

230
00:10:25,012 --> 00:10:26,096
Password.

231
00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:29,080
Let's see...

232
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:33,020
"Aggie Taylor says she's losing
weight naturally

233
00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:35,084
"but I've heard it's a gastric band.

234
00:10:35,084 --> 00:10:38,040
"36."

235
00:10:40,008 --> 00:10:42,076
Insufficient funds?

236
00:10:45,016 --> 00:10:47,076
Right...

237
00:10:47,076 --> 00:10:49,016
It's ringing.

238
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RINGING

239
00:10:51,032 --> 00:10:53,036
Oh! Look at that.

240
00:10:53,036 --> 00:10:55,020
Oh, hello, boys.

241
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:56,048
Hello, Shug.

242
00:10:56,048 --> 00:11:00,012
It's Jack, Victor, Winston
and Tam.O-ho!

243
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,060
Hello, Shug!

244
00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:04,020
Boabby! You're upside down.

245
00:11:04,020 --> 00:11:06,040
Where are you at the moment, Shug?

246
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,016
Oh, Bondi Beach.
Another cover shoot.

247
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:12,012
So you're upside down!
LAUGHS

248
00:11:13,024 --> 00:11:14,048
Cos...

249
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,088
Cos it's Australia.

250
00:11:16,088 --> 00:11:18,028
Very good, Boabby.

251
00:11:18,028 --> 00:11:19,092
That's you a global prick now.

252
00:11:21,016 --> 00:11:22,076
Did we wake you up, Shug?

253
00:11:22,076 --> 00:11:25,012
No, no, no, it's...it's breakfast
time.

254
00:11:25,012 --> 00:11:26,084
So, what are you wanting?

255
00:11:26,084 --> 00:11:29,068
Eh, there's a bunch of us
going up Ben Lomond.

256
00:11:29,068 --> 00:11:31,012
We were looking for advice.

257
00:11:31,012 --> 00:11:33,060
Check the weather.
Weather's fine.

258
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,040
All right. You got all the kit?

259
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:39,040
I was just gonnae wear my shorts
and a T-shirt and flip-flops.

260
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,024
Very funny, Fatty.

261
00:11:41,024 --> 00:11:44,092
Start taking this seriously
or I'm hanging up.

262
00:11:44,092 --> 00:11:46,052
Sorry, Shug.

263
00:11:46,052 --> 00:11:47,080
Aye. So you've no kit?

264
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,080
No.All right.

265
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,060
There's a pub at the bottom
of Ben Lomond.

266
00:11:51,060 --> 00:11:53,000
The Rambler's Retreat.

267
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,064
You go in there.

268
00:11:54,064 --> 00:11:58,032
You wade past all the English
arseholes and ask for Rab.

269
00:11:58,032 --> 00:12:00,060
And he'll sort you out
wi' all the good kit.

270
00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:03,016
And it's all my kit,
so you'll get it for nothing.

271
00:12:03,016 --> 00:12:04,080
Yes!

272
00:12:05,096 --> 00:12:07,016
Sorry, Shug.

273
00:12:07,016 --> 00:12:08,032
Aye, he'll get you everything.

274
00:12:08,032 --> 00:12:13,048
You know, sticks, compass, tent,
all that essential bollocks.

275
00:12:13,048 --> 00:12:17,004
WOMAN:Talking about essential bollocks,
are you coming back to bed?

276
00:12:19,096 --> 00:12:22,056
Was that Edith, Shug?

277
00:12:22,056 --> 00:12:24,036
Yes.

278
00:12:24,036 --> 00:12:26,072
Are you sharing a room?

279
00:12:28,052 --> 00:12:29,080
Yes.

280
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,096
ALL LAUGH KNOWINGLY

281
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,024
Sorry, Shug.

282
00:12:38,020 --> 00:12:39,056
That's him away.

283
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,052
Well, did you get it?What?

284
00:12:43,052 --> 00:12:45,080
Cos Australia's upside down!

285
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,024
Isa, what are you doing?

286
00:12:53,024 --> 00:12:55,024
Just a wee bit of tidying.

287
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,004
You're making me feel like Julia
Roberts in Sleeping With The Enemy.

288
00:12:58,004 --> 00:12:59,072
What is with the OCD pish?

289
00:12:59,072 --> 00:13:01,060
Your shift ended ten minutes ago.

290
00:13:01,060 --> 00:13:04,044
I've been building up
to ask you something.

291
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:06,032
I need an advance.

292
00:13:06,032 --> 00:13:08,044
Naw. Have a nice evening.

293
00:13:08,044 --> 00:13:10,068
Oh, right.

294
00:13:10,068 --> 00:13:11,088
Hold on, Isa.

295
00:13:11,088 --> 00:13:14,028
You've never asked for an advance.

296
00:13:14,028 --> 00:13:15,064
Have you got a problem?

297
00:13:15,064 --> 00:13:17,020
Oh, I do, aye.

298
00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:18,088
But it's a wee bit embarrassing.

299
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:21,096
You need money to
buy women's-problems creams?

300
00:13:21,096 --> 00:13:23,068
No!

301
00:13:25,064 --> 00:13:28,004
What's your position on charity?

302
00:13:28,004 --> 00:13:29,008
Charity?

303
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:32,012
Charity begins at home. My home.

304
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:34,032
That's my problem.

305
00:13:34,032 --> 00:13:36,052
I'm in deep wi' the charities.

306
00:13:36,052 --> 00:13:38,008
I'm charity daft.

307
00:13:38,008 --> 00:13:39,068
A charity-holic.

308
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:43,008
I'm into them for £250 a month.

309
00:13:43,008 --> 00:13:44,084
A charity junkie?Exactly.

310
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:47,008
Oh, I'm rattling, Navid.

311
00:13:47,008 --> 00:13:49,040
I get a buzz out my fix.

312
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:53,000
I'm a baw-hair away fae hawking
my silver cutlery to fund my habit.

313
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,032
I need help!

314
00:13:55,032 --> 00:13:57,064
-

315
00:13:58,092 --> 00:14:00,032
Give us 40 quid.

316
00:14:00,032 --> 00:14:01,036
Out that till the now.

317
00:14:01,036 --> 00:14:03,092
It's nothing to you,
you've got plenty.

318
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:05,032
You don't need money.

319
00:14:05,032 --> 00:14:06,068
You need an intervention.

320
00:14:06,068 --> 00:14:08,008
Please, Navid!

321
00:14:15,016 --> 00:14:16,020
TILL PINGS

322
00:14:23,084 --> 00:14:25,064
Twix, please.

323
00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:28,012
Oh...animals?

324
00:14:28,012 --> 00:14:30,028
Is it animals?It is, aye.

325
00:14:30,028 --> 00:14:32,024
Isa, no!
What kind of animals?

326
00:14:32,024 --> 00:14:33,092
Korean porpoises. Look.

327
00:14:33,092 --> 00:14:36,076
Oh, look at its wee face!

328
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,088
There's 20 quid.

329
00:14:38,088 --> 00:14:41,036
That'll save a wee porpoise.

330
00:14:43,004 --> 00:14:46,088
There's another 20,
in case it's got a porpoise pal.

331
00:14:46,088 --> 00:14:48,032
Oh!

332
00:14:52,064 --> 00:14:54,068
CLATTERING

333
00:15:00,036 --> 00:15:03,004
So, how do you know Shug?

334
00:15:05,016 --> 00:15:06,048
I cannae answer that.

335
00:15:07,076 --> 00:15:09,080
You've no' got the clearance.

336
00:15:11,008 --> 00:15:13,068
Oh, aye. Well, enough said, aye.

337
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:15,048
I'll tell you this one thing.

338
00:15:17,004 --> 00:15:18,092
Maryhill barracks.

339
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:20,036
We were young.

340
00:15:20,036 --> 00:15:22,084
There was this right bastard
in our squad.

341
00:15:22,084 --> 00:15:24,048
McKenna.

342
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,064
Fancied himself.

343
00:15:26,064 --> 00:15:27,088
A bully.

344
00:15:29,004 --> 00:15:33,020
Shug had just finished reading
The Murder On The Orient Express.

345
00:15:34,072 --> 00:15:36,048
So that's what we done.

346
00:15:38,028 --> 00:15:39,056
You murdered him?

347
00:15:39,056 --> 00:15:41,044
Naw.

348
00:15:42,064 --> 00:15:44,092
We waited till midnight.

349
00:15:44,092 --> 00:15:47,072
McKenna was snoring the bit out.

350
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:51,064
So we all rose fae our beds
like ninjas.

351
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:56,068
Each squaddie put a bar of soap
inside a sock,

352
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:59,084
and we took it in turns
to set about him.

353
00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:03,048
One of the boys saw him
a couple of years back.

354
00:16:03,048 --> 00:16:06,012
Cannae eat anything unless
it's liquid.

355
00:16:07,064 --> 00:16:10,012
He never bullied anybody again.

356
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:16,040
We all took a vow never to speak
of it.

357
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:21,084
And I've just went and telt yous!

358
00:16:23,012 --> 00:16:25,028
What am I like?

359
00:16:25,028 --> 00:16:29,020
That's what a couple of Johnnie Walkers
in the afternoon'll do to you!

360
00:16:31,012 --> 00:16:34,072
And then another time...
That's plenty!

361
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:39,048
Listen, you're no' planning on going
up the Ben the morra, are you?

362
00:16:39,048 --> 00:16:41,048
SLURPS

363
00:16:41,048 --> 00:16:42,064
Aye.

364
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,080
Ah. Well, I don't think that's
a good idea.

365
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,052
You're out of season.

366
00:16:48,052 --> 00:16:51,048
Have you checked the weather
forecast for the morra?

367
00:16:51,048 --> 00:16:52,068
It can turn on a tanner.

368
00:16:55,060 --> 00:16:57,036
Rab...

369
00:16:57,036 --> 00:16:59,036
We can handle ourselves.

370
00:16:59,036 --> 00:17:01,040
I mean, don't get me wrong.

371
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,008
Not one of us has ever put a bar of
soap in a sock

372
00:17:04,008 --> 00:17:06,028
and leathered a boy doolally wi' it,

373
00:17:06,028 --> 00:17:09,056
but we're no' soft Yankee tourists,
either.

374
00:17:09,056 --> 00:17:12,056
Naw! We're city men.

375
00:17:12,056 --> 00:17:14,032
Clydebuilt.

376
00:17:16,088 --> 00:17:18,048
These aren't bones.

377
00:17:18,048 --> 00:17:19,068
They're girders.

378
00:17:22,048 --> 00:17:23,068
Watch this.

379
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,036
THUMP
Ah! You dozy bastard,

380
00:17:32,036 --> 00:17:33,096
that's the real one!

381
00:17:33,096 --> 00:17:35,028
WAILS

382
00:17:37,088 --> 00:17:40,020
Isa. We've been at this
for two hours

383
00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:42,044
and you've only let me unsubscribe
from one charity.

384
00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:43,088
The Blob Fish.

385
00:17:43,088 --> 00:17:45,068
I liked its wee face, too.

386
00:17:47,004 --> 00:17:50,040
Back to the top.
Giant Chinese salamander?

387
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,080
No!

388
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,048
Anteaters?No.

389
00:17:54,048 --> 00:17:56,088
Ants?
No. I mean, well,

390
00:17:56,088 --> 00:17:58,092
what would the anteaters eat?

391
00:17:58,092 --> 00:18:01,028
Chips? Kit Kats? I don't know.

392
00:18:01,028 --> 00:18:04,012
Solomon Island glowing sea turtle?

393
00:18:04,012 --> 00:18:06,048
Not on your nelly.

394
00:18:06,048 --> 00:18:08,052
They light up, Navid!

395
00:18:09,084 --> 00:18:12,080
Australian punk rock monkey?

396
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,020
No.

397
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:16,040
They gave me this!

398
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,088
These animals need me, Navid!

399
00:18:18,088 --> 00:18:20,024
I need a cup of tea.

400
00:18:20,024 --> 00:18:22,000
I've no tea bags.

401
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,028
Or milk.

402
00:18:23,028 --> 00:18:24,064
Point proven.

403
00:18:24,064 --> 00:18:26,052
Will you take a glass of water?

404
00:18:26,052 --> 00:18:28,060
Aye, sure.

405
00:18:39,092 --> 00:18:41,084
You monster!

406
00:18:41,084 --> 00:18:43,076
Do you know what you've done?

407
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:47,048
That's what you've done!

408
00:18:47,048 --> 00:18:48,068
KNOCK AT DOOR

409
00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,064
It's all over, Isa.

410
00:18:55,064 --> 00:18:57,072
You're clean. We've done them all.

411
00:18:58,076 --> 00:19:00,008
We've no' done them all.

412
00:19:07,084 --> 00:19:10,016
PANTING: Here, I'm starving.

413
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,024
Don't worry.

414
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:13,096
As soon as we get the fire going
and the tent up,

415
00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:17,040
I shall prepare us a feast.

416
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,016
Is this the campsite?

417
00:19:19,016 --> 00:19:21,056
No, cannae be, it's a car park.

418
00:19:21,056 --> 00:19:23,044
Well, can we no' pitch the tent
here?

419
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:29,012
I'll give you my watch if you can hammer
one tent peg into that concrete.

420
00:19:29,012 --> 00:19:30,032
You're an idiot!

421
00:19:30,032 --> 00:19:32,096
Here, where is the campsite?

422
00:19:32,096 --> 00:19:35,000
Well, it must be round here
somewhere.

423
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,064
Aye, thanks, Bear Grylls.

424
00:19:36,064 --> 00:19:38,048
Here, where's Jack away to?

425
00:19:38,048 --> 00:19:40,040
Oh, no! Here, Jack, don't.

426
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,060
Listen!

427
00:19:51,088 --> 00:19:53,052
Can I help you?
Eh, hello, aye.

428
00:19:53,052 --> 00:19:57,024
There's a campsite round about here.
Would you know where that is?

429
00:19:57,024 --> 00:19:58,064
No.

430
00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:59,068
Right.

431
00:19:59,068 --> 00:20:01,008
Is that us?

432
00:20:01,008 --> 00:20:02,068
Yes, uh-huh.

433
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:09,016
KNOCKS

434
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,092
It's just that me and my pals are gonnae be
climbing Ben Lomond in the morning.

435
00:20:13,092 --> 00:20:15,016
Good for you.

436
00:20:15,016 --> 00:20:16,088
Have you been up it yourself?

437
00:20:16,088 --> 00:20:20,004
I'm trying to get up it the now,
but you keep interrupting.

438
00:20:20,004 --> 00:20:21,028
Oh!
STAMMERS

439
00:20:21,028 --> 00:20:23,008
I beg your pardon. As you were.

440
00:20:28,068 --> 00:20:30,036
Right, which way are we going?

441
00:20:30,036 --> 00:20:32,024
You'll never guess what that couple
in that car were...

442
00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:35,048
We know. Move.
Stop shoving.

443
00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:39,040
So, is that the bastard there?

444
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,028
That's him, aye.

445
00:20:44,072 --> 00:20:45,092
Hello.

446
00:20:45,092 --> 00:20:48,060
Hello. Do you want to
sponsor a bird?

447
00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:50,024
I want to cancel a bird.

448
00:20:50,024 --> 00:20:51,072
See that woman there?

449
00:20:51,072 --> 00:20:53,016
She bought a bird

450
00:20:53,016 --> 00:20:55,012
and she cannae afford it.
You mean sponsored?

451
00:20:55,012 --> 00:20:56,084
Bought, sponsored, rented.

452
00:20:56,084 --> 00:20:58,048
It disnae matter, bawbag.

453
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,032
That woman, that angel,

454
00:21:03,032 --> 00:21:04,092
that is Isa Drennan.

455
00:21:04,092 --> 00:21:08,040
Through the kindness of her heart,
and the softness of her brain,

456
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:13,020
she has been pledging £250 a month
to animals around the world.

457
00:21:13,020 --> 00:21:16,092
Now, I've managed to cancel all of
the subscriptions apart from yours.

458
00:21:16,092 --> 00:21:19,016
Ah, see, you need to go on
to the website to do that.

459
00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:22,016
Your website
is like a pile of spaghetti.

460
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:23,084
It is like the Gordian Knot.

461
00:21:23,084 --> 00:21:25,084
It is like Crystal bastard Maze!

462
00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:27,084
I know. Clever, in't it?

463
00:21:27,084 --> 00:21:29,044
Cancel it.Cannae.

464
00:21:30,064 --> 00:21:32,028
Let me take the payment, then.

465
00:21:32,028 --> 00:21:34,072
Now that I can do.

466
00:21:34,072 --> 00:21:38,028
Now, are you still wanting
your lovebird to be called Isa?

467
00:21:38,028 --> 00:21:39,056
Yes.

468
00:21:39,056 --> 00:21:40,076
OK.

469
00:21:47,068 --> 00:21:49,092
Oh, bugger it.
Give me another one.

470
00:21:49,092 --> 00:21:51,096
Another one?

471
00:21:51,096 --> 00:21:53,032
No worries.

472
00:21:53,032 --> 00:21:54,048
You got a name in mind?

473
00:21:54,048 --> 00:21:55,076
Navid.

474
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,076
OK, sign here.

475
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,088
Make like I'm tearing you
a new arsehole.

476
00:22:06,088 --> 00:22:08,068
MOUTHS

477
00:22:14,076 --> 00:22:16,040
Did you sort it out?

478
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,036
Big time.

479
00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:21,044
I'm taking you to the Clansman
for a drink.

480
00:22:21,044 --> 00:22:22,080
You know I don't drink.

481
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,084
Lemonade on the rocks.

482
00:22:28,024 --> 00:22:29,076
OWL HOOTS

483
00:22:32,092 --> 00:22:34,056
LAUGHS

484
00:22:34,056 --> 00:22:36,076
Do you think we'll all
get in that tent?

485
00:22:36,076 --> 00:22:38,032
ALL LAUGH
I would think so, aye.

486
00:22:38,032 --> 00:22:40,088
It's as big as the Lidl
on Brookstone Road.

487
00:22:40,088 --> 00:22:43,020
Here, what are we eating?

488
00:22:43,020 --> 00:22:44,048
Ah.

489
00:22:50,008 --> 00:22:52,056
There we are.
There's no labels on these.

490
00:22:52,056 --> 00:22:55,088
They've been that long in the back
of my cupboards, they've disintegrated.

491
00:22:55,088 --> 00:22:57,056
Aye, but we don't know what's in
them.

492
00:22:57,056 --> 00:23:00,008
Well, where's your spirit
of adventure?

493
00:23:00,008 --> 00:23:02,052
CHUCKLES

494
00:23:02,052 --> 00:23:04,064
Right, come on, we'll try
this one first.

495
00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:13,008
So, what's everybody got?

496
00:23:13,008 --> 00:23:15,040
Chickpeas in brine.

497
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,064
Yummy.

498
00:23:18,004 --> 00:23:19,032
Here, this is dog food.

499
00:23:20,056 --> 00:23:22,040
That tin must be 20 year old.

500
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,032
That's when my wee dug Sammy died.

501
00:23:25,044 --> 00:23:28,096
I've got kidney beans here, I think.

502
00:23:28,096 --> 00:23:30,068
Are you gonnae eat them?

503
00:23:30,068 --> 00:23:33,036
Not unless you want to do the
campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.

504
00:23:35,048 --> 00:23:36,072
What have you got, Jack?

505
00:23:36,072 --> 00:23:37,092
Paint.

506
00:23:37,092 --> 00:23:39,036
Oh, what colour?

507
00:23:39,036 --> 00:23:41,040
Red. What does it matter?

508
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,012
What do you want me to do, hold my
nose and make out it's tomato soup?

509
00:23:44,012 --> 00:23:47,044
Well, you could put the kidney beans
in wi' the chickpeas

510
00:23:47,044 --> 00:23:49,096
and then pour in the paint
and make a chilli.

511
00:23:51,008 --> 00:23:52,024
I've eaten worse.

512
00:23:52,024 --> 00:23:53,084
Shh, shh!
ANIMAL CALLS AND RUSTLING

513
00:23:53,084 --> 00:23:55,004
What was that?

514
00:23:57,012 --> 00:23:59,084
Calm doon,
there's no wildlife round here.

515
00:23:59,084 --> 00:24:01,004
It'll be a sheep or something.

516
00:24:01,004 --> 00:24:02,056
Aye, aye, aye.

517
00:24:02,056 --> 00:24:06,000
Well, we'll put a stick up its arse, and
barbecue the bastard, how about that?

518
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,080
RUSTLING
Woo-oo-oo!

519
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,032
ALL YELL
Hello, boys!

520
00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:12,048
Oh, Jesus, it's Isa.

521
00:24:12,048 --> 00:24:14,040
Still want to do
that stick barbecue thing?

522
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,032
And Navid.

523
00:24:16,032 --> 00:24:18,004
Ah, you're in the wrong place.

524
00:24:18,004 --> 00:24:20,000
The dogging happens down
the car park.

525
00:24:23,016 --> 00:24:26,024
Isa, what the bloody hell
are you doing here?

526
00:24:26,024 --> 00:24:31,004
The Clansman was shut.
Made a few enquiries.

527
00:24:31,004 --> 00:24:33,040
Bingo.
Have you any food wi' you?

528
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,040
Naw.
Would you like a bowl of chilli?

529
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,088
ALL LAUGH

530
00:24:36,088 --> 00:24:40,012
Here, yous aren't gonnae
climb Ben Lomond, are yous?

531
00:24:40,012 --> 00:24:41,040
Naw.

532
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,096
Oh, here, neither should yous!

533
00:24:42,096 --> 00:24:45,060
The weather's no' to be good
the morra.

534
00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:47,012
Guys, Isa's right.

535
00:24:47,012 --> 00:24:49,032
I don't think any of us
are going up there the morra.

536
00:24:49,032 --> 00:24:51,024
It looks like it's gonnae turn.

537
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,032
Well, that's that, then, eh?

538
00:24:54,032 --> 00:24:56,020
Ach, there's always next year.

539
00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:58,040
Aye, next year, aye.

540
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,084
That's if any of us are still here
next year.

541
00:25:00,084 --> 00:25:02,060
Of course we'll be here next year.

542
00:25:02,060 --> 00:25:05,048
None of us are going anywhere.

543
00:25:05,048 --> 00:25:06,076
Just like that mountain.

544
00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:11,048
Ach, we're no' needing
to go up any mountain.

545
00:25:11,048 --> 00:25:13,084
This is where the party's at!

546
00:25:13,084 --> 00:25:15,064
ALL CHEER

547
00:25:15,064 --> 00:25:16,092
Agreed?

548
00:25:18,044 --> 00:25:20,048
Well, Winston's definitely no'
going up.

549
00:25:20,048 --> 00:25:21,056
Look.

550
00:25:21,056 --> 00:25:23,076
Oh!

551
00:25:23,076 --> 00:25:26,028
You bastard!

552
00:25:26,028 --> 00:25:29,008
YELLS

553
00:25:51,068 --> 00:25:53,076
SIGHS

554
00:25:55,092 --> 00:25:57,060
Disnae look too bad up there,
does it, Jack?

555
00:25:58,076 --> 00:26:00,012
No, it doesn't.

556
00:26:01,032 --> 00:26:03,016
Lovely day for a descension.

557
00:26:04,036 --> 00:26:06,004
Ascension.

558
00:26:06,004 --> 00:26:07,044
What did I say?

559
00:26:09,068 --> 00:26:11,000
Disnae matter.

560
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:15,048
Should I, er...?

561
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,048
Come on.

562
00:26:30,032 --> 00:26:32,008
JACK: Did you bring any water wi'
you?

563
00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:33,028
Naw.

564
00:26:34,072 --> 00:26:37,068
But I did fill my hip flask
with the last of Isa's bottle.

565
00:26:37,068 --> 00:26:39,060
JACK CHUCKLES

566
00:26:39,060 --> 00:26:42,020
Do you think they'll be
wondering where we went?

567
00:26:42,020 --> 00:26:44,096
Nah. They'll know where we went.

568
00:26:48,060 --> 00:26:51,092
MUSIC: "Don't Think Twice, It's
Alright" by Bob Dylan

569
00:26:54,044 --> 00:26:58,068
# Well, it ain't no use
to sit and wonder why, babe

570
00:27:00,052 --> 00:27:02,080
# If'n you don't know by now

571
00:27:04,012 --> 00:27:07,072
# And it ain't no use to sit
and wonder why, babe

572
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,056
# It'll never do somehow

573
00:27:12,072 --> 00:27:16,088
# When your rooster crows
at the break of dawn

574
00:27:17,096 --> 00:27:21,096
# Look out your window
and I'll be gone

575
00:27:21,096 --> 00:27:25,040
# You're the reason
I'm a-travelling on

576
00:27:26,036 --> 00:27:29,020
# But don't think twice,
it's all right

577
00:27:43,076 --> 00:27:46,080
# So long honey, baby

578
00:27:47,084 --> 00:27:50,096
# Where I'm bound,
I can't tell

579
00:27:52,064 --> 00:27:55,092
# Goodbye's too good a word, babe

580
00:27:57,032 --> 00:27:59,048
# So I'll just say fare thee well

581
00:28:01,008 --> 00:28:05,044
# I ain't a-saying
you treated me unkind

582
00:28:05,044 --> 00:28:09,016
# You could have done better
but I don't mind

583
00:28:09,016 --> 00:28:13,060
# You just kinda wasted
my precious time

584
00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:16,024
# But don't think twice,
it's all right...

585
00:28:17,020 --> 00:28:18,044
Well...

586
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,028
Look who it isnae.

587
00:28:28,076 --> 00:28:31,064
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING