1
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:20,560
Ah - good morning, Vera.

2
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,560
Some of these were here yesterday.

3
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:26,000
Well, so was I and I'm still sweet and juicy.

4
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,600
You get worse.

5
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,600
We try, we try.

6
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,200
You don't get this personal touch at the supermarkets, do you?

7
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,040
Huh, cheapskates.

8
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,640
She was seen at the bus station in Worksop.

9
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:46,520
Well, it's not like being caught in a hotel bedroom, is it, eh?

10
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:51,280
In high heels? Suddenly, at her age, she's in high heels.

11
00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,080
No, I can't see it.

12
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,240
I mean, if you were looking for love, would you go to Worksop?

13
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,080
Ah, it's him I feel sorry for.

14
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,600
Oh, I don't know! He's got his allotment, in't he?

15
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,400
Grows his own veg, instead of buying it from me.

16
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,680
No, if he wants to play with his parsnips

17
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,520
it's no wonder that she goes wild in Worksop.

18
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,000
HE YAWNS

19
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,720
Take those glasses off. You can't see.

20
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,520
You have to make these little sacrifices in the name of cool.

21
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,760
Chill.

22
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,960
Leroy - I'm over here!

23
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,400
You ought be able to find your father in the dark.

24
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,600
Your mother did.

25
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,440
First time.

26
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,520
Well, it was the only time if we want to be technical about it.

27
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,080
But look, look here, look... tidy up.

28
00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:01,400
I'm going to move these chocolates out of the way of sleepwalkers.

29
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,520
GURGLING PIPES

30
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,840
When are you going to get these pipes fixed?

31
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,080
GURGLING CONTINUES

32
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,880
- GURGLING STOPS 
- There you are - fixed.

33
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,360
You've never been totally sure have you? About me.

34
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,800
Are you really my father?

35
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:24,160
Nothing says, "I love you," like a clout round the ears.

36
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,840
That's when I realised you'd got my ears.

37
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,520
Anyway, I'm on your birth certificate, aren't I?

38
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,560
Mind you so is the registrar.

39
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:38,120
I often wonder if I'm really somebody else.

40
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,680
I don't even look like you.

41
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,600
When I was your age even I didn't look like me.

42
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,320
Why do you keep fiddling with that bacon slicer?

43
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,320
Because I'm after the world's thinnest slice.

44
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,520
Bit like my love life was in those days.

45
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:53,880
Did you love her?

46
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:57,080
Well, I was in love with the magic of the exotic setting.

47
00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:01,240
Blackpool in February, mm, and it was raining.

48
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,600
We were both on the rebound from an emotional crisis.

49
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,880
Her because she'd been going out with the wrong types, and me

50
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:12,560
because I'd had to pay for that repair on the roof, yeah.

51
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,920
We comforted each other in The Queen's Hotel.

52
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,560
And here I am.

53
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,680
Most people come back with a stick of rock.

54
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,920
Look what I come back with.

55
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:26,800
Now, take those off will you. Hey - have you seen your eyes?

56
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,760
They look like raspberry ripples.

57
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,280
What time did you get in last night?

58
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,680
You used to wait up.

59
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,040
Yeah, well there's not much point in both of us

60
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,600
losing a night's sleep is there?

61
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,640
Huh. That's a very casual attitude for a father.

62
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,760
You want casual, think of your mother.

63
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,200
Oi!

64
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,800
Everybody else did.

65
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,240
I bet she weren't that bad?

66
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,440
She left you out there on my doorstep

67
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,600
for some nugget in the motor trade.

68
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,000
He could offer her a nearly new Jaguar.

69
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,480
What chance did I have with buy one get one free?

70
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,680
You'd better put these on offer and reduce them.

71
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,040
Reduce?

72
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,320
Wash your mouth out!

73
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,720
You don't use the word "reduce". That's for wimps.

74
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,000
You'll never get rid of all this anchovy paste.

75
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,960
Don't worry, I'll shift it.

76
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,520
You forget that I was

77
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,960
ter-ter-ter-ter-trained...

78
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:27,320
I was trained by the ma-ma-ma-master.

79
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,920
He was a bair-bair-bair-bair...

80
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,360
..he was a bair-bair-black belt in sneaky, wasn't he?

81
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:48,480
I saw that.

82
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:53,640
You always were keen-eyed, Mrs Agnew.

83
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,280
Well, just remember how close we once were and keep your mouth shut.

84
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,760
How close when?

85
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,240
What - well, don't you remember?

86
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,320
I got you under the mistletoe at Christmas.

87
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,440
It wasn't even Christmas - it was barely August.

88
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:08,960
Well, we have to plan ahead, you know, in the service industries.

89
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,600
How's the lad?

90
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,040
The lad is fine.

91
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,120
Anyway, how is your romantic life?

92
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,680
I heard that it had lost a bit of its sparkle.

93
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,400
Where did you hear that?

94
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,040
From your husband actually.

95
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,600
I'm surprised he noticed!

96
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,120
Hmm.

97
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,920
Pick us a dozen nice ones and send Leroy with them

98
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,320
when the breadman's been.

99
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,520
DOORBELL TINKLES

100
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,120
What's wrong with that slice of bacon?

101
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,120
Don't start a rumour like that.

102
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,840
So, why are you looking at it?

103
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,000
I'm reading it.

104
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,760
How can you read bacon?

105
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:52,000
Well, it takes years of experience, you know.

106
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:56,440
Yes, I'm er, looking for the omens. Reading the future.

107
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,600
They used to do it with chickens' entrails,

108
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:02,000
but this is much kinder to your tablecloth.

109
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,440
You do spin people some fanny.

110
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,840
LAUGHTER

111
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:17,280
Cyril, come inside. Give us a sporting chance.

112
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,720
How much of this anchovy paste is it that you're looking for?

113
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,840
None. Are we alone?

114
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,760
I didn't know you cared.

115
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,680
Yes, we are, but I must warn you that my IT manager

116
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,120
is out there in the back.

117
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,880
What have you got for a rash?

118
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,720
I don't know. What would it like?

119
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:37,640
Well, come in, come in.

120
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,680
Don't be shy. Come along.

121
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,880
It's all right saying, "Don't be shy."

122
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,680
It's a bit personal.

123
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:47,280
Oh, in that case may I say how pleased we are

124
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,880
that you've brought it in here!

125
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,360
Where is this rash?

126
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,520
INAUDIBLE WHISPERING

127
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,760
Well, if it's there how can you see that you've got a rash?

128
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,560
It's all done with mirrors.

129
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,480
Well, your secret is safe in here.

130
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,600
What's said in here stays in here.

131
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,800
You told everybody where I had a boil.

132
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,200
No, that was in here, that wasn't outside.

133
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,880
Right, well, we'll see if we can find you something. Now, then...

134
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,440
Oh, yes. There you go - that'll do it.

135
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,000
For nappy rash?

136
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:34,520
I've seen it all before. You've got flat cap fever.

137
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:35,760
That'll sort it.

138
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,080
Flat cap fever? Down there?

139
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,840
That's where it strikes. Life is a mystery, isn't it?

140
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,320
They reckon it's to do with your follicles.

141
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,320
I'm afraid you've been crushing your follicles.

142
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,680
That's £4.79, please.

143
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:52,920
£4.79?

144
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,440
Yes. It's either that or you got to lose your cap.

145
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,200
Are you sure this is what I need?

146
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,960
Oh, of course. Body builders use that.

147
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,840
Why would they use this stuff?

148
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,800
Well...it's for bulking up isn't it, and improved muscle tone.

149
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,600
How can nappy rash cream bulk anybody up?

150
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,720
How can you argue with facts?

151
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,960
Have you seen how fast babies grow?

152
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,200
Aye...

153
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,160
Yes. Good man. Thank you, thank you.

154
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,480
Well done...and you have been.

155
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,280
DOOR BELL TINKLES

156
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,280
Oh, er - Leroy! Come here!

157
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,440
Come and get some practice in.

158
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,400
There you are... come on!

159
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,720
HE SIGHS

160
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,640
Very good.

161
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:45,680
Why, you...!

162
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,760
APPLAUSE

163
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,800
Oh - morning, Mrs Travis.

164
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,520
How's the lad?

165
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,080
The lad is fine. Especially out of business hours.

166
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,000
Morning, Mrs Hemstock.

167
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,640
How's the lad?

168
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:11,720
The lad is fine. I only wish I had half his opportunities.

169
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:15,200
I hope he's grasping them firmly with both hands.

170
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,680
I'm sure he is, Mrs Hemstock. I'm sure he is.

171
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,320
DOOR BELL TINKLES

172
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,520
Ah...the former Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

173
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,160
Retired, free and living alone.

174
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,760
And determined to stay that way.

175
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,680
Why are you cutting your bacon so thin?

176
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,320
You come straight out with it, don't you?

177
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,920
It's not a reportable disease, is it?

178
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,120
I know it's no good for frying.

179
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,320
Ah, no - but you get more slices.

180
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,320
I'm for quality not quantity.

181
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,400
- How's the lad? 
- The lad's fine.

182
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,760
Why is it nobody ever asks about how I am?

183
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,840
Well, they know how you are.

184
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,680
You're an old tightwad like your uncle.

185
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,000
Old tightwad?

186
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,840
Look, could we settle for prime of life, perfectly formed,

187
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,080
and in magnificent condition...

188
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,480
kind of tightwad?

189
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,480
Ee, he trained you well.

190
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,360
Don't be bitter. He would have married you, given time.

191
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:15,680
Time?

192
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:19,960
An alternative view is that he died sooner than pay for the wedding.

193
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,160
All right, so you haven't got matrimony.

194
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,520
How about some anchovy paste?

195
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,360
No, no - special offer.

196
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,880
You'll never get rid of that anchovy paste.

197
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,440
They're staunch potted meat round here.

198
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,680
- DOOR BELL TINKLES 
- Psst, how's the lad?

199
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,960
Oh, the lad's fine and I, I, I...

200
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,840
I'm invisible.

201
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,960
Why do they always ask about the lad?

202
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,720
Well, you were glad of us all when you were raising him.

203
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,600
He's got about 12 mothers round here.

204
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,600
Course they're going to ask, "How's the lad?"

205
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,280
I could do with a bit of mothering.

206
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,000
Huh! We all know what you could do with.

207
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,600
Keep taking the pills.

208
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,200
DOOR BELL TINKLES

209
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,560
That's £3.50.

210
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,800
I'll see you Friday.

211
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,800
- Save me a small white loaf. 
- Right.

212
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,200
Good morning, Granville.

213
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,400
Good morning, Mavis.

214
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,760
I'm all right as far as "good morning,"

215
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,920
then I never know what to say.

216
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,320
That's me finished.

217
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,280
There's no problem. I'm gobby enough for both of us.

218
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,600
Do you know that the small grocer makes an ideal pet?

219
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,920
I like what you're wearing.

220
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,120
Oh, it's just something I threw on...

221
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,080
and off - and on again.

222
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:45,280
You look better since you got rid of that bum of a husband.

223
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,560
I must have liked him once. Can't remember why.

224
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,280
I could never understand why you weren't unfaithful to him.

225
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,160
It wasn't as though I didn't try.

226
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,120
You were always nice.

227
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,800
I used to come in the shop more than I really needed.

228
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,160
Hm, yeah, well, it was a hell of a romance, weren't it?

229
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,480
The closest we ever got

230
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,920
was when we had both our hands on the same tin of baked beans.

231
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,760
And now your sister's moved in.

232
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,520
She thinks I need protecting from men.

233
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,680
She thinks everybody needs protecting from men.

234
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,120
Where is she now?

235
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,160
- She's parking the car.
- Oh.

236
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,160
She's not great at reversing.

237
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,840
CRASHING OUTSIDE

238
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,120
I ought really to have stopped and helped her.

239
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,320
What is it that you've come in for?

240
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,520
I got the note you slipped in with our order.

241
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,120
I meant every word.

242
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,600
"Sorry, no beef spread.

243
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,720
"I'm enclosing anchovy paste."

244
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,840
Heck, you've got the wrong note.

245
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,400
CHOCOLATE BOXES CRUNCH

246
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,040
Oh, now look!

247
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,120
It wasn't just cold and businesslike then, the note?

248
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,520
No, it could have heated a small dwelling,

249
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,280
the note that I sent to you.

250
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:00,680
DOOR BELL TINKLES

251
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,600
Don't be listening to him, he'll give you all sorts of old twaddle.

252
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,080
It's what they do.

253
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,680
And good morning to you too, Madge.

254
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,920
We can't get a twaddle in edgeways with you.

255
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,640
And where were you when I was reversing?

256
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,080
You know I daren't look.

257
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,840
Well, you look at him.

258
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,640
He doesn't race his engine.

259
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,080
APPLAUSE

260
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,080
Hang on, can we have a little talk about that?

261
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,920
Don't be looking at him soft.

262
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,440
Ask him how much is his belly pork?

263
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,560
I'm not sure I follow that chain of thought.

264
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,120
Anyway, it's no dearer than up the road.

265
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,000
We'll have a quarter, and a quarter of haslet.

266
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,840
Haslet...yes, thank you...

267
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,040
Oh, I daren't look when he's using that bacon slicer.

268
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,800
Well, he's not charging enemy trenches.

269
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,200
No, and he's not over-charging either.

270
00:13:54,480 --> 00:14:00,240
Except for certain awkward customers who are designed for such purposes.

271
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,520
Has he finished?

272
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,680
He's still gobbing. He hasn't started yet.

273
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,320
I can't watch.

274
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,480
I keep expecting to see two slices of bacon and a finger.

275
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,240
I'll wait outside.

276
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,680
Oh, yes.

277
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,440
"Must be over 18?"

278
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,560
Anchovy paste?

279
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:30,400
Oh, yes. Too much power in the wrong hands.

280
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:34,080
A small shopkeeper has to be responsible.

281
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,440
We can't have vulnerable young people

282
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,640
experimenting with mind-altering substances, can you?

283
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,080
LEROY GROANS

284
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,200
What's mind-altering about anchovy paste?

285
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,680
Ah! Well, of course, there's your ancient secret.

286
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,440
Ah, well, yeah, and here comes your ancient load of old cobblers.

287
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:54,600
No. No. No. It goes back to Ancient Egypt.

288
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:59,440
Now, I had to swear a sacred oath before the secret was given to me

289
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,600
by this van driver from Warburton's. I...

290
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,320
Was that Mr Marshall?

291
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,040
I could have sworn that was Mr Marshall.

292
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,560
- Have you got any more of them....? 
- DOG BARKS

293
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:21,320
It was. It was Mr Marshall. He's just like his father, you know.

294
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,920
They always get more dog than they can handle.

295
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,480
How are you going to deliver all of these?

296
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,520
Oh, we have our methods.

297
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,360
I can't see what you've got against the shop bike?

298
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,480
It's clapped out. It's history.

299
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,960
Well, it served me well.

300
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,440
And I've still got the saddle sores to prove it.

301
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,400
Well, don't worry about me. Arrangements have been made.

302
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,920
Oh!

303
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,280
I didn't hear you coming, Mrs Featherstone.

304
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,960
You're very light on your feet.

305
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,720
Oh, lighter than that, Granville, in the right circumstances.

306
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,520
Was that your Leroy with two strumpets?

307
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,160
Yeah, well, I only saw two, but you never know with Leroy.

308
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,800
Your Uncle Arkwright would turn in his grave.

309
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,840
He was never one for mixing business with pleasure.

310
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,640
Believe me, I tried.

311
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,360
You? Tried pleasure?

312
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:27,040
It is within the area of my expertise, Granville.

313
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,520
Oh, we could have made a dream team your uncle and me.

314
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:34,600
With his grasp of the mercenary and my gift for the thrifty.

315
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,560
But, he was blinded by a bigger bosom.

316
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,480
Yeah, well...he did always expect a lot for his pound, didn't he?

317
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,440
Of course it helped that she could bandage his injured parts

318
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,920
and keep an eye on his mild hernia.

319
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,760
So, I lost, I always feel, on a technicality.

320
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,920
But he lost the opportunity to awaken my flame.

321
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,760
Well, I know he never knew where he left his matches.

322
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:04,320
You'd be surprised what burns behind a respectable exterior.

323
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:10,080
Well, behind some exteriors, er, you can see how it is easily overlooked.

324
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:13,520
I have trained two husbands to an early grave.

325
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,680
Discipline was my watchword, but...

326
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:20,840
for a genuine soul mate of strict financial probity,

327
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:25,520
on national holidays and certain personal festivities,

328
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,080
there could be the occasional frolic.

329
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:34,040
I never thought of you in a frolic, Mrs Featherstone.

330
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:37,480
Under strict operational conditions. One must be realistic.

331
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,080
I know how you men are.

332
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:43,200
Really? How are we Mrs Featherstone?

333
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,640
Call me Delphine.

334
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,080
- (Delphine?) 
- I think we are ready to take us

335
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:50,400
to the next level.

336
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:55,600
Oh, look at that. Is that the time? It is.

337
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,640
- I must go and see if I can get... 
- Ooh.

338
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:02,080
I have watched you, lad, growing in wisdom.

339
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:05,600
To you I am always available on a consultancy basis.

340
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:08,520
And there could be more, Granville.

341
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,200
It is the Age of the Cougar.

342
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,560
SHE GROWLS

343
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,400
Oh, did you - oh, did you hear that?

344
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,000
That was the bacon slicer, er...

345
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,600
phone, phone. It was the phone. The phone!

346
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,080
BIKE CREAKS AND GRANVILLE GROANS

347
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,640
I'll slow that Leroy down.

348
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,760
Oooh!

349
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,280
< LEROY: There's a person here who wants to see you about

350
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,560
unlocking his full body potential.

351
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:54,440
Hee, hee! You t-taught me some stuff, didn't you, eh?

352
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,840
I'll never get into heaven.

353
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:59,320
Probably be closed anyway.

354
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:03,400
These big companies don't work the hours that we do, do they?

355
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:08,600
Well, let's see what meh-meh-meh-magic there is

356
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,440
in an-anchovy paste, shall we?

357
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,920
Oh, is it a trough of low depression or is it Eric?

358
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,480
How's it going, Eric?

359
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,240
What's this stuff you've got then?

360
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,320
Stuff?

361
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,160
"What's this stuff"?

362
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,200
Eric, this place is full of stuff, isn't it?

363
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:32,240
This is an Aladdin's Cave. It's the Horn of Plenty.

364
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,600
You're going to have to get a bit closer than "stuff".

365
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:39,280
Now, is it my imagination or are you a bit low in spirit?

366
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,160
So, would you be if you were married to her back home.

367
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,040
I thought you did better than might have been expected.

368
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,840
She's not unattractive.

369
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,120
I know. But what does she do with it?

370
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,720
Nothing.

371
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:55,920
Are you telling me you've lost some of the music of your honeymoon days?

372
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,680
Well, it was never exactly the full orchestra.

373
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,320
But I'm down to solo trumpet.

374
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,880
We ought to form a duet.

375
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,520
You know, people of our generation

376
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:18,400
are in the deprivation zone of playtime.

377
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,240
Playtime?

378
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,640
If I didn't have an X Box, I wouldn't get any.

379
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,400
There are ways, you know, to put the colour back in your cheeks.

380
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:34,000
Are we talking...over 18... "unlocking your full potency" here?

381
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,720
We are.

382
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,840
That's it. That's the stuff.

383
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,800
But are you ready for it?

384
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,960
I'm ready.

385
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,160
I'm ready.

386
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,520
Can I ask - ready for what, exactly?

387
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,520
For the road back to playtime.

388
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,000
When you say "back"...

389
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,320
have you got anything for anyone who's never really

390
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,960
been there in the first place?

391
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:06,200
Well, I have to warn you - this stuff, you know, is a life changer.

392
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,200
I'm up for that.

393
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,920
Right now, listen - don't overdo it at first.

394
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,480
You know, small amounts. Pace yourself.

395
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,240
This stuff has a double whammy.

396
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:21,520
You get your general health stimulus plus...

397
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:28,640
Plus...

398
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,920
HE WHISPERS

399
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,960
- From anchovy paste? 
- Oh, yes, it's the fish oils.

400
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,520
Nature's secret,

401
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,360
cos way back then, you know, we were all fish.

402
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,480
This stuff will put a tiger in your tank.

403
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,280
I tell you what, this will transform your nights.

404
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,560
But I warn you - you've got to take it easy.

405
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:53,160
Small amounts, pace yourself. Spread it thinly.

406
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,280
Else what?

407
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:57,760
Else your entire life will be playtime.

408
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,920
I'll take two.

409
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,760
DOOR BELL TINKLES

410
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,200
DOG BARKS

411
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,320
Oh! Oh, it's you.

412
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,840
DOG WHINES

413
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,400
Oh, right...

414
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,400
What have we got here?

415
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,840
HE SIGHS

416
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,280
No, I don't think I've got that particular butter,

417
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,280
but tell her the one I'm sending her is just as good.

418
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,240
DOG BARKS

419
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,160
Oh! It says here two dog chews.

420
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,480
I hope you've not been forging this note?

421
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,560
- Eh? 
- DOG WHINES

422
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,400
AUDIENCE: Aww!

423
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,640
Right, thank you for the lift....

424
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,280
Should you be doing that when you're engaged?

425
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,760
DOOR BELL TINKLES

426
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,720
- GRANVILLE TUTS 
- Oh, heck.

427
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:18,560
The wear and tear on errand boys these days!

428
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,480
Have you seen your face?

429
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,080
It was just a glancing blow.

430
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,760
Well, we can't let everybody know that you're having more fun

431
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,960
than I am. Come here. Now...

432
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,520
You've got my mouth.

433
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,840
Only yours is seeing much more action than mine.

434
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,200
This has got to stop.

435
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,280
Now, we've got to make these deliveries

436
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,160
in a proper commercial manner.

437
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,120
Otherwise we will be known as Squeals on Wheels.

438
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,200
DOOR BELL TINKLES

439
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,800
Warming up out there, is it?

440
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,520
You're a deadpan lot around here.

441
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,160
What does a bloke have to do to get a reaction?

442
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,240
You must be wondering what's the point of being

443
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,920
dressed like a pillock if nobody cares.

444
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,560
"Wear this, the company said, "This'll get you noticed.

445
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:26,720
"This'll help you sell."

446
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,840
I look like a muffin, don't I?

447
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,840
You look as though you could do with a drink.

448
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,320
I do. I need a drink.

449
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,160
That's very good of you.

450
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,520
We're not all barbarians.

451
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,360
Tell me, what are you supposed to be, apart from ridiculous?

452
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:45,640
That's another thing about you lot.

453
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,600
You're all very inclined to speak your mind.

454
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,560
What is it that you're selling?

455
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,040
Planters' Tea.

456
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,040
Our most refreshing brand.

457
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:57,520
HE MIMICS FANFARE

458
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,560
And, for your advertising,

459
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:05,560
a full-size, cardboard cut-out...

460
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:07,320
..of me.

461
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,360
Full size, eh? Well, that'll never go down with the natives.

462
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,280
They'll start worshipping it.

463
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,960
But I'll tell you what we'll do, you leave us a few free samples

464
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:20,280
and we'll see how it goes.

465
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,640
And there's no reason to be calling in the shop.

466
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,320
- What shop? 
- Oh, don't give me "what shop?"

467
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,600
And don't go gawping in as we pass.

468
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,440
So, I give him a wave. I can do waves.

469
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:38,320
I don't get tongue-tied doing waves. It's only friendly.

470
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,280
Oh, he won't have friends. They wouldn't be tax deductible.

471
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,240
"You need a drink," he says.

472
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,040
Then charges me for the bottle.

473
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:49,800
Should have stayed in bed.

474
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,080
You meet some...

475
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:55,880
It's a jungle round here.

476
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,880
You see! What a money grabber!

477
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,920
He's got a nice face.

478
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,880
So has a Jack Russell and they'll bite your hand off.

479
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,720
Treat them right, I bet they're warm and cuddly.

480
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:10,760
Oh...!

481
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,000
I'm recycling the shop bike.

482
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,480
I've got to slow my lad down somehow.

483
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:23,960
You know, I owe my exquisite calf muscles to the years that

484
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,760
I spent on the old shop bike.

485
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:30,440
We won't mention the pressure on certain other parts.

486
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,000
It's there he needs all the knocks he can get!

487
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,840
What are you waiting for out here?

488
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,680
The return of the firm's transport.

489
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,440
He's not trying to get you back on that old bike?

490
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:50,040
- Again.
- It were clapped out when he used to ride it.

491
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,720
Can I ask you something?

492
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,600
Again? Do I think he really is your father?

493
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,320
He's the only one you've got.

494
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,440
He brought you up,

495
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,520
with a bit of help,

496
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,360
and he looks after you.

497
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:10,360
True. And I've got his ear.

498
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:12,600
That's something.

499
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,280
BIKE HORN PUMPS

500
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:23,000
Distinctive vehicles for delivery...

501
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,800
just like Harrods - traditional...

502
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:28,520
style.

503
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:29,960
Watch that pedal.

504
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,600
Oh, nimble errand boys -

505
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,720
they laugh at tricky pedals.

506
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,640
Oh! Oof!

507
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,480
Ugh!

508
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,880
Oh! Ow!

509
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,320
Oh! Ow!

510
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:47,720
Ah!

511
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:57,000
You ought to be locked up, selling diabolical stuff like that.

512
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:01,120
I've never had an easy moment since I put it on.

513
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:03,720
Talk about scratching!

514
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:05,120
I'm going to be red raw.

515
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:10,560
It was for internal use, you barnpot!

516
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,000
Ohh!

517
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,560
When I said spread it on thiiiiiinly,

518
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,080
I meant on a piece of toast!

519
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:19,640
Now he tells me!

520
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,840
Come on in...inside...

521
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,400
- Oh!
- Ow!

522
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,760
It's a duet, in't it, eh?

523
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:36,680
'Oh, it's been a funny old day.

524
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:40,040
'I've seen more of Wet Eric than is customary.

525
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,760
'I believe I'm near a breakthrough with that bacon slicer.

526
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,280
'I thought Mavis was looking good.

527
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:52,080
'But then I always think Mavis is looking good.

528
00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:56,200
'That's a powerful rear light.

529
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,320
'Unless it's Wet Eric still glowing in the dark.'

530
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,280
Your note arrived safely, Granville.

531
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:07,280
Tucked in among my groceries.

532
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,120
Aren't you the sly one?

533
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,840
I don't usually do much for Christmas, but,

534
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,480
under the circumstances.

535
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:16,520
Huh? Argh!

536
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,480
APPLAUSE

537
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:21,720
But it isn't Christmas yet.

538
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,680
- It feels like it to me! 
- Oh...!

539
00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:28,040
Oh, heck!