1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:04,720
Right, that there.

2
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,960
There y'are. HE SIGHS

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,400
It's tatty, it looks terrible.

4
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:13,400
So would you if you'd been up and down all those chimneys.

5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:17,120
Actually, it were tatty when Arkwright bought him, but...

6
00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:18,360
I know.

7
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:21,120
- I know, the price was right.
- Mm-hmm.

8
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,920
It's lost an eye.

9
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,480
Only temporarily.

10
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,280
Now it's cross-eyed.

11
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,280
- ERIC:
- Hey, mind me foot.

12
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:39,920
Hey up.

13
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,480
Where you going with that?

14
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,640
Somewhere quiet, free from nosy neighbours.

15
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,760
Say hello to our new fitness regime.

16
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:56,200
Where we can develop muscles that will be irresistible to the

17
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,040
female of the species.

18
00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,680
Even wives.

19
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,440
Especially wives.

20
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,160
We're in search of domestic happiness.

21
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,840
He means fun.

22
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,680
That too. We're going to surprise 'em.

23
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:10,280
Today trampoline, tomorrow...

24
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,760
HE INHALES

25
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,760
..Mr Wonderful.

26
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,760
Let's see how they feel about living with Mr Six-Pack.

27
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,720
And for this you get out of a warm bed, do you?

28
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,600
Warm? She wears bed socks.

29
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,920
How tropical is that?

30
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,840
- C'mon.
- Oh...

31
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,400
HE YAWNS

32
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,040
Oh.

33
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,400
HE HUMS A TUNE

34
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,640
All right, all right, if you insist.

35
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,800
Right.

36
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,320
That one don't go in there.

37
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,680
HE YAWNS

38
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,000
- You've got a hole in your face. 
- Where?

39
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,240
Underneath your nose, it looks like the Channel tunnel.

40
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,840
Yeah. Well, look what time it is, I'm entitled to yawn.

41
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,440
Listen, I want you awake and alert,

42
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,920
you're going to be looking after the shop for an hour.

43
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,840
I can manage. Not as well as if I had a rise.

44
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:51,040
But relax, I'm awake.

45
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,920
You call that awake, do you?

46
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,640
- Come here.
- What?

47
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,360
Let me have a look, let me see.

48
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,440
Stay there, let's have a look.

49
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,920
I can see through here what you were doing last night.

50
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,040
Good grief, no wonder you're tired.

51
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,640
Oh, dear.

52
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,680
Hey, I were home early last night.

53
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:16,400
Anyway, if you daren't leave me in charge, why don't I go for the tree?

54
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:20,680
No, because you'll come back with some clapped out twig.

55
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,680
I want a tree...

56
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,640
I want a tree that he would've chosen.

57
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:42,200
I want a tree that says, "Arkwright chose this."

58
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:47,320
Or more accurately it would be, "Arkwright ch-ch-ch-ch-chose it."

59
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,280
Mm, oh heck. Who left those there?

60
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,640
Ho!

61
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,880
Anybody seen a reindeer called Golicky Gill?

62
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,880
You get dafter.

63
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,000
HE LAUGHS

64
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,240
Our Madge doesn't do Christmas.

65
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,200
She thinks mistletoe is a foot disease.

66
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,000
Ho, ho, ho.

67
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:25,240
Guess who's coming down Madge's chimney with a secret admirer?

68
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:31,480
If it's that dozy Gastric, he can run up his own chimney.

69
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,000
Well you'd better not hang about, Madonna's been after him,

70
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,680
you know, sending him autographed pictures.

71
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,480
Does he know she's probably no good at gravy?

72
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:42,680
Oh.

73
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,480
Come away, you'll be as daft as the men round here.

74
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,880
Oh, I like daft, makes me feel at home.

75
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,080
Welcome home, Mavis.

76
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,960
Mm-mm.

77
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,560
Thank you, Granville.

78
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,800
MADGE MUTTERS

79
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,960
SHE HISSES

80
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,720
Don't forget that loaf for Mrs Mottishaw.

81
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,480
Mm-hmm, engraved on my mind.

82
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,320
And don't let more than two kids in at once.

83
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,640
How do you arrange that?

84
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,440
Well you belt the first two and the third one stays outside.

85
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:25,920
Oh and keep your eye on that Mr Faucet, he brings mice in.

86
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,800
How do you mean, "He brings mice in"?

87
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,480
I don't know how he does it but he brings mice in.

88
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,840
BELL RINGS

89
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,160
Good morning, Eric.

90
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,280
Is it?

91
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,400
I must've missed it.

92
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,040
Well, good morning anyway, Eric.

93
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:47,000
Well, not for me, she's in a foul mood.

94
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,800
She found three grey hairs.

95
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,600
That's the closest to excitement we've got all year.

96
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,480
Although, wait until she sees the new...

97
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,920
HE INHALES

98
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,200
..Mr Wonderful.

99
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:12,880
It's a work in progress.

100
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,960
Yeah, yeah.

101
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,320
Anyway, where we going?

102
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,560
We're going to get a tree.

103
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,680
How big a tree? It's only a small van.

104
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,040
It's only a small tree. Now c'mon.

105
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,800
Hey, if that Mrs Alison comes in, start coughing,

106
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,680
that should start her off. Once she gets started,

107
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,720
she'll be a pushover for that cough

108
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,080
syrup we're trying to get rid of. HE LAUGHS

109
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,640
Now what?

110
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,080
There's some of yesterday's scones out there,

111
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:53,080
now if you wrap them tightly in a wet tea towel and spin them

112
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:56,160
round your head a few times, they come out as good as new.

113
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,360
Right, tightly mind, tightly.

114
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,720
You don't want them, you know, bouncing about, do you?

115
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,120
Hey, what you doing?

116
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,680
I'm confiscating your phone, give your Leroy a break.

117
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,320
A break?

118
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,920
Have you seen all that young totty that hangs round his neck?

119
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,400
I have noticed that.

120
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:38,920
- Here.
- Mm?

121
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,560
Why don't you nag him a bit?

122
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,960
In fact, make it a lot.

123
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,800
I do love a girl in uniform.

124
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,480
So did your uncle.

125
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,760
ENGINE REVS GEARS CREAK

126
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,200
TILL RINGS

127
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,280
He only comes home at weekends.

128
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:28,000
It's a good job he doesn't pop back home on Wednesday nights.

129
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,160
Oh, really? What happens on Wednesday nights?

130
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,880
Well, if I were inclined to gossip,

131
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,600
I could tell you stuff that would make your ears curl.

132
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:40,760
Mrs Hussein, we all know that you're not one to gossip.

133
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,440
- Thank you.
- But...

134
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,880
At this very moment in time, you're really well

135
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:49,080
placed for an ear that is ready to be curled.

136
00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:51,880
It's a nice ear.

137
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,600
Oh, came with the face.

138
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,720
SHE LAUGHS

139
00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,600
Well, I suppose I could tell ya, in confidence naturally.

140
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,200
Oh, naturally.

141
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,440
Well...

142
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,560
Every Wednesday afternoon you can see the preparations.

143
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,320
Go on, go on. I'm hooked.

144
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,880
You can hear her singing, hair in curlers,

145
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,600
who sings with their hair in curlers?

146
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,440
Oh, no, I'll have to pass on that one.

147
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,880
It gets worse...

148
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,840
Every Wednesday afternoon?

149
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,880
According to Mrs Hussein and she lives opposite.

150
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,320
Hair in curlers, Wednesday afternoon.

151
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,560
You can't argue with evidence like that.

152
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,600
It's him you feel sorry for.

153
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:37,040
Oh, be honest, girl, it's us we feel sorry for.

154
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,960
How long since you were in curlers on a Wednesday afternoon?

155
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,720
I daren't think. Where does the time go?

156
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,680
Still, it hasn't taken you much time

157
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,040
to stamp your authority on this new little job of yours.

158
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,160
You can't have them doing as they like.

159
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,240
CAR HORNS BEEP

160
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,760
All right. Thank you, Steve.

161
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,320
And the other one.

162
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,840
- It's too big.
- It's magnificent.

163
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,400
But too big.

164
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,520
No, it's your imagination that's too small, Eric.

165
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,160
Put it in the back of the van.

166
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,120
Out? What's he doing out?

167
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,760
He's gone to fetch a tree, Mrs Featherstone,

168
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,960
but I'm sure I'll be able to assist you.

169
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,440
I must confess, Leroy, to not being entirely happy with

170
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:40,080
the idea of your generation handling a mature person's daily calories.

171
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,040
I find that young people tend to maintain the highest

172
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,400
standards of personal hygiene, Mrs Featherstone.

173
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,520
Yes, but they share it about so.

174
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,400
You see, I've seen you covered in wall-to-wall trollop

175
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,880
on numerous occasions.

176
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:02,520
A close observer would've seen me struggling to resist.

177
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,480
I was a Girl Guide, Leroy,

178
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:08,120
we had to light our fires by rubbing two sticks together.

179
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,720
Got some nice ham on the bone.

180
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,400
That is not the image I want to leave with.

181
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,040
Now, are your mince pies wrapped?

182
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:28,880
Very snugly, Mrs Featherstone, in their own boxes.

183
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,240
Don't, I had three husbands went that way.

184
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,440
TYRES SCREECH

185
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,240
At last, what kept ya?

186
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,600
Where's Eric?

187
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:56,480
Well, he's in here somewhere, otherwise the tree has been driving.

188
00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:00,200
I had to take over, it were going too fast.

189
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,880
Can somebody open this door?

190
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,120
Well, go on. Go and open his door.

191
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:13,760
Get me out.

192
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:18,920
Are you pushing it?

193
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,240
- Yes!
- Yeah. 
- We're pushing at our end. Ow!

194
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,800
Well, right, right.

195
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,360
On the count of three, yeah?

196
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,000
One, two...

197
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,360
HE GRUNTS

198
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,280
Three.

199
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,840
- LAUGHING:
- Merry Christmas, Eric.

200
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,360
You think you ought to help but you don't really feel qualified.

201
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,080
It's the only time they put some real feeling into their dancing.

202
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,360
They deserve the occasional pain, especially there,

203
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,040
it's the only time they regard it with any sense of responsibility.

204
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,280
- LAUGHING:
- Well, it's no use approaching them

205
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,880
till they've finished their fancy footwork.

206
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,920
I've always maintained they're not good with pain.

207
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,320
Well, not there anyway.

208
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:16,200
Still, it's the last place you expect to find a Christmas tree.

209
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,920
THEY LAUGH

210
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,920
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

211
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,520
- No, you go there and give it a... 
- Now...
- What?

212
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,760
Did you have to get one this size?

213
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,720
It was a snip.

214
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,600
I think I've just been given the snip.

215
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,400
Oh, hello, Mrs Wilson.

216
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,400
No, no, we're not closed, love, no.

217
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,640
Come in. Just keep going. Don't you worry about your hat.

218
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,160
And how are you today, Mrs Wilson?

219
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,080
It's always a pleasure to see you.

220
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,240
Leroy, your end is too low. Now, come on. Lift it up, will you?

221
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,360
I'm trying!

222
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,560
- Are you lifting?
- Push! 
- Yeah, of course I'm lifting.

223
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,880
Oh... Let it go, let it go.

224
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,440
Oh!

225
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,800
Oh.

226
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,680
It's no good, we're going to have to cut something off.

227
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,720
Story of my life.

228
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,320
You won't be saying that when you come to me

229
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:16,160
for my help with your problems with your wife.

230
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,240
Leroy, go and get the keys to the yard gate.

231
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,800
What can a grocer do about my wife?

232
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,560
Oh...

233
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:34,000
Eric, your small shopkeeper is, well, he's plugged into generations

234
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:39,200
of folk wisdom, including the secret ways into a woman's heart.

235
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,600
Your medieval monarch wouldn't go anywhere without his grocer

236
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,240
to read the omens.

237
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,880
I don't want to hear anything about animal intestines.

238
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,560
No, no, no, no.

239
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,320
These were progressive grocers,

240
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,280
they used to read the, um...

241
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,840
..runes.

242
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:03,200
You see, the fact of the matter was that it was mistranslated

243
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:08,400
from the Anglo-Saxon, it should've been translated as...

244
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,840
prunes.

245
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:16,720
Your medieval grocer used to read the prunes.

246
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,480
You see, it's all in the wrinkles.

247
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:34,120
The secret of life is hidden in the wrinkles.

248
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,960
Take half a pound for the wife,

249
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:44,200
but keep her locked up until the effects wear off.

250
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,120
That tree took some shifting, didn't it?

251
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,960
- I told you it was too big. 
- Oh, it's enough of that.

252
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,760
I told you, the price was right.

253
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,520
CHUCKLING: Oh, dear.

254
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,720
I'd forgotten we'd got these,

255
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,360
Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up for Upset Stomachs.

256
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,000
We should forget them again, they never sold,

257
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,120
they taste too foul, they taste like a weight lifter's underwear.

258
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:19,560
Oh, no, this is the Christmas season, Leroy, people overindulge,

259
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,400
they'll be in need of a good pick me up.

260
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,520
Oh.

261
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:31,960
Ah, Mavis, now this here is a talking Father Christmas,

262
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:36,400
if you'd like to press just there he'll have a message for you.

263
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,280
HE MAKES A GURGLING NOISE

264
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:43,080
When in doubt, say yes.

265
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,560
I can do that, what's the question?

266
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,920
Now that depends upon your Madge.

267
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,640
Oh, she thinks I'm unreliable, lose something once

268
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:55,560
and they never forget. It was Marks and Spencer's.

269
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,960
It's not as if I forgot and left Auntie Mary in Pound Saver.

270
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,920
Oh. HE LAUGHS

271
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,760
Yes, well, there are a few people

272
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,680
that you would like to forget, you know. (Go on.)

273
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,680
I went back for her, same day.

274
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,840
I often dream about your Madge, you know,

275
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:17,360
emigrating to somewhere where the men are short-sighted.

276
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,280
Anyway, what can I get you?

277
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:27,440
There, you see, you've done it now. You made me lose concentration.

278
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,760
Oh, ha, take your time.

279
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,440
Has your Madge ever thought about taking up dangerous sports?

280
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:39,200
Oh, she's never said. All I know is she's set her

281
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:43,160
face against Christmas, she won't be coming to see your tree tonight.

282
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:46,160
Oh, well, that means you'll be coming on your own, eh?

283
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,200
Oh, I can't come.

284
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,320
Well, I wouldn't enjoy it if she's stuck up there in her bedroom.

285
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,720
- HE SIGHS 
- It'd make me feel rotten.

286
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,800
- Save us a teacake, will ya? 
- DOG BARKS

287
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,960
Yes, I'll leave it just there by the door,

288
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,920
- you can snatch it on your way back. 
- Whoa!

289
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:07,560
Why can't he get a smaller dog, or let it pull him in a cart?

290
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:12,720
I think it's a Tarzan thing, you know, man against the savage beast.

291
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,360
Mm, which brings me back to your Madge.

292
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,520
Oh, I wish she'd relax and have a good laugh.

293
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,320
Oh, needs a laugh, eh?

294
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,840
I know just the man.

295
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,800
What are we doing for Christmas?

296
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:32,960
Forget it.

297
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,520
Oh, as much fun as that?

298
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,000
We've got your mum and mine on Christmas Day

299
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,160
and we've got me brother Boxing Day.

300
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,320
Your brother? What? Again?

301
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,480
He's all alone, Eric.

302
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,160
What happened to misery loving company?

303
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,800
Oh, lighten up, look at the face on ya.

304
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,320
- MUMBLING:
- What did you get for Christmas, Eric?

305
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,880
Her mother and her brother.

306
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,000
Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up?

307
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,360
I should need picking up if I drank this.

308
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:15,320
Oh, well, please yourself. It's better than trampolining anyway.

309
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,560
Frank Sinatra used to drink this by the bucket-load.

310
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,680
He said it helped him through the high notes,

311
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,120
that and...all them women, mm.

312
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,960
This is one of your stories.

313
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,240
- Mm?
- I don't believe it.

314
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,200
Well, if you had that many women,

315
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,760
you would need some help, wouldn't you, eh?

316
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,880
I've only got one and I still need help.

317
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,960
Yeah, there you go then.

318
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,400
It says here, "For upset stomachs."

319
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,600
It doesn't say anything about...

320
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,840
HE WHISTLES

321
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,320
You know.

322
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,080
Well, of course it doesn't say anything about...

323
00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,760
HE TRIES TO WHISTLE

324
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:06,120
They put that on the label, they'd get arrested, wouldn't they?

325
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,080
Is there a money back guarantee if it fails to...?

326
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,000
HE WHISTLES

327
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:15,680
Fails? This can't fail. This is wisdom of the ages, this.

328
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,760
This goes back long before Dr Proctor. That...

329
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,160
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

330
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,320
Dr Proctor stole this recipe.

331
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,800
Were he a crook?

332
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,360
He was an opportunist.

333
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:35,880
You see, he stumbled on this formula when he was excavating

334
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,960
a tomb in the Valley of the Kings just outside Pontefract.

335
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,640
Valley of the Kings is not just outside Pontefract.

336
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,080
No, you're right,

337
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,000
it's nearer Wakefield, isn't it?

338
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,440
All right.

339
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:15,680
Now this very evening, Madge, who is deeply attracted to you...

340
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:20,880
Give over. When she sees me, she goes, "Eurgh!"

341
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,720
..who is deeply attracted to you,

342
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:30,040
is up there in her bedroom at this moment, miserable.

343
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,600
What she needs is, she needs someone to give her a giggle,

344
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,520
make her laugh, you know, pull funny faces.

345
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000
I dunno if I can do funny faces.

346
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,440
Oh, come on, you've got a good start.

347
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:50,960
No, you see, if you make her laugh you're halfway to romance.

348
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,280
What about the other half?

349
00:21:56,280 --> 00:22:00,160
No. Now listen, you've got to get yourself psyched up, you see,

350
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,480
because it's not only your romance that's riding on this,

351
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,320
it's my love life as well. So you've got to make an effort.

352
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,240
Effort?

353
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,080
I mean...have some fun!

354
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,600
Now, come along, it's fun time.

355
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,800
Let that set, Gastric.

356
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:25,800
If Madge won't come to Christmas, then Christmas has to come to Madge.

357
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,000
I've never been on a trampoline.

358
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,160
Oh, there's nothing to it.

359
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,680
It's the next best thing to flying.

360
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,520
Maybe not to landing.

361
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,000
Don't worry about...

362
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,560
HORN BEEPS Ah! Ah!

363
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,280
- Hey, watch it! 
- HORN BEEPS

364
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,240
Move it around.

365
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,080
Hey! Road hog.

366
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,880
All right, c'mon.

367
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,800
Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey!

368
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,760
Do you mind? HORN BEEPS

369
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,400
Let's get this thing out of the middle of the road, would you?

370
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,600
Going to get run over.

371
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:57,840
Shh, keep quiet.

372
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,640
- Ah.
- What are you doing?

373
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,080
The beard, the beard's fast.

374
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,480
No, don't pull it, you'll pull me face off.

375
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,880
That glue's really sticky.

376
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,680
- Keep your voice down.
- I'm in pain!

377
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,840
Yeah, but being really brave about it.

378
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,320
Look, she's in.

379
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:21,120
Never mind about the beard, she needs to see his face anyway.

380
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,480
- TEARING 
- Ah! Ah!

381
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:24,800
Oh! Ah!

382
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,400
- Shh!
- Shh, quiet. Shh!

383
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:28,960
Will you be quiet?

384
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,640
Quiet? That's the closest shave I've had for a while.

385
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,640
It's a good job you didn't get your trousers fast.

386
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,040
Now, don't stand there looking at it,

387
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:42,120
climb aboard, feel the weightlessness.

388
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,920
Enjoy yourself.

389
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,000
How am I supposed to get up there?

390
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,240
Oh, for heaven's sake,

391
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,800
they never had this trouble with the astronauts, did they?

392
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,240
Right, just... Come on, we'll give you a hand.

393
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:57,360
Oh, me leg! Oh, me leg.

394
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,760
- Oh! Me leg!
- Put this one...

395
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:06,760
Oh, for heaven's sake! Leroy, go and get the steps, will ya?

396
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,000
It won't stand still.

397
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,800
Keep your voice down, this is supposed to be a surprise!

398
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,880
It is for me, I tell you.

399
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,360
Get a grip, man, will ya? Find your balance.

400
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:41,720
Then what?

401
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,280
Then you keep jumping, that's right, then you get higher

402
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:47,840
and higher and higher and higher, you see.

403
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,160
Good. HE GRUNTS

404
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,120
That's it, go on. Jump up and down now.

405
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,200
There, that's it.

406
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,200
That's it! Go on, jump.

407
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,480
Ah!

408
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:00,560
Ow.

409
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,920
You're going to have to get more power behind it.

410
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,480
Get bigger jumps.

411
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,040
HE ROARS

412
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,080
HE SHRIEKS

413
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,880
LOUD CRASH SHE LAUGHS

414
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,440
THEY CHATTER

415
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:57,600
I rescued my second husband from a trampoline,

416
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,120
her name was Sonia or something equally bizarre.

417
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:03,040
I warned him, she'd been jumped on more times than I've had hot...

418
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,440
Now then, Delphine, put your claws away, it's Christmas.

419
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,240
I'm sure she was harmless.

420
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:10,560
Possibly...

421
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:11,840
when not horizontal.

422
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,840
Cyril has been telling me you've got this stuff?

423
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,080
Oh, Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up?

424
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:29,240
Well, does it work on females?

425
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:34,080
Well, it's fine for females, it's for any upset stomachs.

426
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,400
He never said anything about upset stomachs.

427
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:40,920
Oh, you mean the side effects?

428
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,640
I'll take half a dozen.

429
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,320
Good man. Good thinking.

430
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,360
Ready when you are, Granville.

431
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,240
Ready for what, Mrs Featherstone?

432
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,400
Your mistletoe mince pies, save me a dozen.

433
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,480
I'll be in when you deliver.

434
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,320
What you looking for?

435
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,760
The mince pies, we've got to destroy them.

436
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,360
No, no.

437
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:24,600
If anybody asks, you tell them we've sold out.

438
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,480
We have sold out.

439
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,440
HE SIGHS HAPPILY

440
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,440
Oh, Merry Christmas, Leroy.

441
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,880
DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

442
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:44,360
'Father Christmas bouncing up to a window is not something

443
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:46,360
'you see everyday.

444
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:50,320
'There were bits there you could well do with not believing in,

445
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,680
'even that Madge was smiling.

446
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,320
'If she's going to smile every Christmas

447
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,640
'she could become quite giddy.'

448
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,560
Merry Christmas, Granville.

449
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,800
'Nobody says Merry Christmas quite like Mavis.

450
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,080
LIGHTS CRACKLE

451
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:15,400
'And a Merry Christmas to you, Arkwright.'