Right, that there.
There y'are. HE SIGHS
It's tatty, it looks terrible.
So would you if you'd been up and down all those chimneys.
Actually, it were tatty when Arkwright bought him, but...
I know.
- I know, the price was right. - Mm-hmm.
It's lost an eye.
Only temporarily.
Now it's cross-eyed.
- ERIC: - Hey, mind me foot.
Hey up.
Where you going with that?
Somewhere quiet, free from nosy neighbours.
Say hello to our new fitness regime.
Where we can develop muscles that will be irresistible to the
female of the species.
Even wives.
Especially wives.
We're in search of domestic happiness.
He means fun.
That too. We're going to surprise 'em.
Today trampoline, tomorrow...
HE INHALES
..Mr Wonderful.
Let's see how they feel about living with Mr Six-Pack.
And for this you get out of a warm bed, do you?
Warm? She wears bed socks.
How tropical is that?
- C'mon. - Oh...
HE YAWNS
Oh.
HE HUMS A TUNE
All right, all right, if you insist.
Right.
That one don't go in there.
HE YAWNS
- You've got a hole in your face. - Where?
Underneath your nose, it looks like the Channel tunnel.
Yeah. Well, look what time it is, I'm entitled to yawn.
Listen, I want you awake and alert,
you're going to be looking after the shop for an hour.
I can manage. Not as well as if I had a rise.
But relax, I'm awake.
You call that awake, do you?
- Come here. - What?
Let me have a look, let me see.
Stay there, let's have a look.
I can see through here what you were doing last night.
Good grief, no wonder you're tired.
Oh, dear.
Hey, I were home early last night.
Anyway, if you daren't leave me in charge, why don't I go for the tree?
No, because you'll come back with some clapped out twig.
I want a tree...
I want a tree that he would've chosen.
I want a tree that says, "Arkwright chose this."
Or more accurately it would be, "Arkwright ch-ch-ch-ch-chose it."
Mm, oh heck. Who left those there?
Ho!
Anybody seen a reindeer called Golicky Gill?
You get dafter.
HE LAUGHS
Our Madge doesn't do Christmas.
She thinks mistletoe is a foot disease.
Ho, ho, ho.
Guess who's coming down Madge's chimney with a secret admirer?
If it's that dozy Gastric, he can run up his own chimney.
Well you'd better not hang about, Madonna's been after him,
you know, sending him autographed pictures.
Does he know she's probably no good at gravy?
Oh.
Come away, you'll be as daft as the men round here.
Oh, I like daft, makes me feel at home.
Welcome home, Mavis.
Mm-mm.
Thank you, Granville.
MADGE MUTTERS
SHE HISSES
Don't forget that loaf for Mrs Mottishaw.
Mm-hmm, engraved on my mind.
And don't let more than two kids in at once.
How do you arrange that?
Well you belt the first two and the third one stays outside.
Oh and keep your eye on that Mr Faucet, he brings mice in.
How do you mean, "He brings mice in"?
I don't know how he does it but he brings mice in.
BELL RINGS
Good morning, Eric.
Is it?
I must've missed it.
Well, good morning anyway, Eric.
Well, not for me, she's in a foul mood.
She found three grey hairs.
That's the closest to excitement we've got all year.
Although, wait until she sees the new...
HE INHALES
..Mr Wonderful.
It's a work in progress.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, where we going?
We're going to get a tree.
How big a tree? It's only a small van.
It's only a small tree. Now c'mon.
Hey, if that Mrs Alison comes in, start coughing,
that should start her off. Once she gets started,
she'll be a pushover for that cough
syrup we're trying to get rid of. HE LAUGHS
Now what?
There's some of yesterday's scones out there,
now if you wrap them tightly in a wet tea towel and spin them
round your head a few times, they come out as good as new.
Right, tightly mind, tightly.
You don't want them, you know, bouncing about, do you?
Hey, what you doing?
I'm confiscating your phone, give your Leroy a break.
A break?
Have you seen all that young totty that hangs round his neck?
I have noticed that.
- Here. - Mm?
Why don't you nag him a bit?
In fact, make it a lot.
I do love a girl in uniform.
So did your uncle.
ENGINE REVS GEARS CREAK
TILL RINGS
He only comes home at weekends.
It's a good job he doesn't pop back home on Wednesday nights.
Oh, really? What happens on Wednesday nights?
Well, if I were inclined to gossip,
I could tell you stuff that would make your ears curl.
Mrs Hussein, we all know that you're not one to gossip.
- Thank you. - But...
At this very moment in time, you're really well
placed for an ear that is ready to be curled.
It's a nice ear.
Oh, came with the face.
SHE LAUGHS
Well, I suppose I could tell ya, in confidence naturally.
Oh, naturally.
Well...
Every Wednesday afternoon you can see the preparations.
Go on, go on. I'm hooked.
You can hear her singing, hair in curlers,
who sings with their hair in curlers?
Oh, no, I'll have to pass on that one.
It gets worse...
Every Wednesday afternoon?
According to Mrs Hussein and she lives opposite.
Hair in curlers, Wednesday afternoon.
You can't argue with evidence like that.
It's him you feel sorry for.
Oh, be honest, girl, it's us we feel sorry for.
How long since you were in curlers on a Wednesday afternoon?
I daren't think. Where does the time go?
Still, it hasn't taken you much time
to stamp your authority on this new little job of yours.
You can't have them doing as they like.
CAR HORNS BEEP
All right. Thank you, Steve.
And the other one.
- It's too big. - It's magnificent.
But too big.
No, it's your imagination that's too small, Eric.
Put it in the back of the van.
Out? What's he doing out?
He's gone to fetch a tree, Mrs Featherstone,
but I'm sure I'll be able to assist you.
I must confess, Leroy, to not being entirely happy with
the idea of your generation handling a mature person's daily calories.
I find that young people tend to maintain the highest
standards of personal hygiene, Mrs Featherstone.
Yes, but they share it about so.
You see, I've seen you covered in wall-to-wall trollop
on numerous occasions.
A close observer would've seen me struggling to resist.
I was a Girl Guide, Leroy,
we had to light our fires by rubbing two sticks together.
Got some nice ham on the bone.
That is not the image I want to leave with.
Now, are your mince pies wrapped?
Very snugly, Mrs Featherstone, in their own boxes.
Don't, I had three husbands went that way.
TYRES SCREECH
At last, what kept ya?
Where's Eric?
Well, he's in here somewhere, otherwise the tree has been driving.
I had to take over, it were going too fast.
Can somebody open this door?
Well, go on. Go and open his door.
Get me out.
Are you pushing it?
- Yes! - Yeah. - We're pushing at our end. Ow!
Well, right, right.
On the count of three, yeah?
One, two...
HE GRUNTS
Three.
- LAUGHING: - Merry Christmas, Eric.
You think you ought to help but you don't really feel qualified.
It's the only time they put some real feeling into their dancing.
They deserve the occasional pain, especially there,
it's the only time they regard it with any sense of responsibility.
- LAUGHING: - Well, it's no use approaching them
till they've finished their fancy footwork.
I've always maintained they're not good with pain.
Well, not there anyway.
Still, it's the last place you expect to find a Christmas tree.
THEY LAUGH
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
- No, you go there and give it a... - Now... - What?
Did you have to get one this size?
It was a snip.
I think I've just been given the snip.
Oh, hello, Mrs Wilson.
No, no, we're not closed, love, no.
Come in. Just keep going. Don't you worry about your hat.
And how are you today, Mrs Wilson?
It's always a pleasure to see you.
Leroy, your end is too low. Now, come on. Lift it up, will you?
I'm trying!
- Are you lifting? - Push! - Yeah, of course I'm lifting.
Oh... Let it go, let it go.
Oh!
Oh.
It's no good, we're going to have to cut something off.
Story of my life.
You won't be saying that when you come to me
for my help with your problems with your wife.
Leroy, go and get the keys to the yard gate.
What can a grocer do about my wife?
Oh...
Eric, your small shopkeeper is, well, he's plugged into generations
of folk wisdom, including the secret ways into a woman's heart.
Your medieval monarch wouldn't go anywhere without his grocer
to read the omens.
I don't want to hear anything about animal intestines.
No, no, no, no.
These were progressive grocers,
they used to read the, um...
..runes.
You see, the fact of the matter was that it was mistranslated
from the Anglo-Saxon, it should've been translated as...
prunes.
Your medieval grocer used to read the prunes.
You see, it's all in the wrinkles.
The secret of life is hidden in the wrinkles.
Take half a pound for the wife,
but keep her locked up until the effects wear off.
That tree took some shifting, didn't it?
- I told you it was too big. - Oh, it's enough of that.
I told you, the price was right.
CHUCKLING: Oh, dear.
I'd forgotten we'd got these,
Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up for Upset Stomachs.
We should forget them again, they never sold,
they taste too foul, they taste like a weight lifter's underwear.
Oh, no, this is the Christmas season, Leroy, people overindulge,
they'll be in need of a good pick me up.
Oh.
Ah, Mavis, now this here is a talking Father Christmas,
if you'd like to press just there he'll have a message for you.
HE MAKES A GURGLING NOISE
When in doubt, say yes.
I can do that, what's the question?
Now that depends upon your Madge.
Oh, she thinks I'm unreliable, lose something once
and they never forget. It was Marks and Spencer's.
It's not as if I forgot and left Auntie Mary in Pound Saver.
Oh. HE LAUGHS
Yes, well, there are a few people
that you would like to forget, you know. (Go on.)
I went back for her, same day.
I often dream about your Madge, you know,
emigrating to somewhere where the men are short-sighted.
Anyway, what can I get you?
There, you see, you've done it now. You made me lose concentration.
Oh, ha, take your time.
Has your Madge ever thought about taking up dangerous sports?
Oh, she's never said. All I know is she's set her
face against Christmas, she won't be coming to see your tree tonight.
Oh, well, that means you'll be coming on your own, eh?
Oh, I can't come.
Well, I wouldn't enjoy it if she's stuck up there in her bedroom.
- HE SIGHS - It'd make me feel rotten.
- Save us a teacake, will ya? - DOG BARKS
Yes, I'll leave it just there by the door,
- you can snatch it on your way back. - Whoa!
Why can't he get a smaller dog, or let it pull him in a cart?
I think it's a Tarzan thing, you know, man against the savage beast.
Mm, which brings me back to your Madge.
Oh, I wish she'd relax and have a good laugh.
Oh, needs a laugh, eh?
I know just the man.
What are we doing for Christmas?
Forget it.
Oh, as much fun as that?
We've got your mum and mine on Christmas Day
and we've got me brother Boxing Day.
Your brother? What? Again?
He's all alone, Eric.
What happened to misery loving company?
Oh, lighten up, look at the face on ya.
- MUMBLING: - What did you get for Christmas, Eric?
Her mother and her brother.
Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up?
I should need picking up if I drank this.
Oh, well, please yourself. It's better than trampolining anyway.
Frank Sinatra used to drink this by the bucket-load.
He said it helped him through the high notes,
that and...all them women, mm.
This is one of your stories.
- Mm? - I don't believe it.
Well, if you had that many women,
you would need some help, wouldn't you, eh?
I've only got one and I still need help.
Yeah, there you go then.
It says here, "For upset stomachs."
It doesn't say anything about...
HE WHISTLES
You know.
Well, of course it doesn't say anything about...
HE TRIES TO WHISTLE
They put that on the label, they'd get arrested, wouldn't they?
Is there a money back guarantee if it fails to...?
HE WHISTLES
Fails? This can't fail. This is wisdom of the ages, this.
This goes back long before Dr Proctor. That...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Dr Proctor stole this recipe.
Were he a crook?
He was an opportunist.
You see, he stumbled on this formula when he was excavating
a tomb in the Valley of the Kings just outside Pontefract.
Valley of the Kings is not just outside Pontefract.
No, you're right,
it's nearer Wakefield, isn't it?
All right.
Now this very evening, Madge, who is deeply attracted to you...
Give over. When she sees me, she goes, "Eurgh!"
..who is deeply attracted to you,
is up there in her bedroom at this moment, miserable.
What she needs is, she needs someone to give her a giggle,
make her laugh, you know, pull funny faces.
I dunno if I can do funny faces.
Oh, come on, you've got a good start.
No, you see, if you make her laugh you're halfway to romance.
What about the other half?
No. Now listen, you've got to get yourself psyched up, you see,
because it's not only your romance that's riding on this,
it's my love life as well. So you've got to make an effort.
Effort?
I mean...have some fun!
Now, come along, it's fun time.
Let that set, Gastric.
If Madge won't come to Christmas, then Christmas has to come to Madge.
I've never been on a trampoline.
Oh, there's nothing to it.
It's the next best thing to flying.
Maybe not to landing.
Don't worry about...
HORN BEEPS Ah! Ah!
- Hey, watch it! - HORN BEEPS
Move it around.
Hey! Road hog.
All right, c'mon.
Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey!
Do you mind? HORN BEEPS
Let's get this thing out of the middle of the road, would you?
Going to get run over.
Shh, keep quiet.
- Ah. - What are you doing?
The beard, the beard's fast.
No, don't pull it, you'll pull me face off.
That glue's really sticky.
- Keep your voice down. - I'm in pain!
Yeah, but being really brave about it.
Look, she's in.
Never mind about the beard, she needs to see his face anyway.
- TEARING - Ah! Ah!
Oh! Ah!
- Shh! - Shh, quiet. Shh!
Will you be quiet?
Quiet? That's the closest shave I've had for a while.
It's a good job you didn't get your trousers fast.
Now, don't stand there looking at it,
climb aboard, feel the weightlessness.
Enjoy yourself.
How am I supposed to get up there?
Oh, for heaven's sake,
they never had this trouble with the astronauts, did they?
Right, just... Come on, we'll give you a hand.
Oh, me leg! Oh, me leg.
- Oh! Me leg! - Put this one...
Oh, for heaven's sake! Leroy, go and get the steps, will ya?
It won't stand still.
Keep your voice down, this is supposed to be a surprise!
It is for me, I tell you.
Get a grip, man, will ya? Find your balance.
Then what?
Then you keep jumping, that's right, then you get higher
and higher and higher and higher, you see.
Good. HE GRUNTS
That's it, go on. Jump up and down now.
There, that's it.
That's it! Go on, jump.
Ah!
Ow.
You're going to have to get more power behind it.
Get bigger jumps.
HE ROARS
HE SHRIEKS
LOUD CRASH SHE LAUGHS
THEY CHATTER
I rescued my second husband from a trampoline,
her name was Sonia or something equally bizarre.
I warned him, she'd been jumped on more times than I've had hot...
Now then, Delphine, put your claws away, it's Christmas.
I'm sure she was harmless.
Possibly...
when not horizontal.
Cyril has been telling me you've got this stuff?
Oh, Dr Proctor's Pick Me Up?
Well, does it work on females?
Well, it's fine for females, it's for any upset stomachs.
He never said anything about upset stomachs.
Oh, you mean the side effects?
I'll take half a dozen.
Good man. Good thinking.
Ready when you are, Granville.
Ready for what, Mrs Featherstone?
Your mistletoe mince pies, save me a dozen.
I'll be in when you deliver.
What you looking for?
The mince pies, we've got to destroy them.
No, no.
If anybody asks, you tell them we've sold out.
We have sold out.
HE SIGHS HAPPILY
Oh, Merry Christmas, Leroy.
DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE
'Father Christmas bouncing up to a window is not something
'you see everyday.
'There were bits there you could well do with not believing in,
'even that Madge was smiling.
'If she's going to smile every Christmas
'she could become quite giddy.'
Merry Christmas, Granville.
'Nobody says Merry Christmas quite like Mavis.
LIGHTS CRACKLE
'And a Merry Christmas to you, Arkwright.'